tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6255338109333635304.post6340998221816843153..comments2024-03-27T21:41:01.781-07:00Comments on Misadventures with Angry Alcoholics, Bullies and Narcissists: constant insults and criticism (verbal abuse), how to deal with themLisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06266942951190435796noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6255338109333635304.post-39851170335907838382022-09-17T13:58:27.416-07:002022-09-17T13:58:27.416-07:00This reply is for the 3 comments above. You might ...This reply is for the 3 comments above. You might be the same anon poster on the Jekyll Hyde post too? I replied there as well.<br /><br />You said: "Some people refuse consequences at all costs. The most damaging people in the world are those that believe they can do no wrong. That justify in themselves everything." - So true! <br /><br />This even happens to leaders who are invading and bringing wars to other countries.<br /><br />Can they change? Doubtful if they ONLY believe they can do no wrong. However, the two-faced personality of being nice to friends and acquaintances and cruel to family members can sometimes be taken care of by recording: it happens to be the go-to technique in workplace bullying situations, but it can work in other situations too. <br />Lisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06266942951190435796noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6255338109333635304.post-37005982184113572112022-09-17T12:41:41.334-07:002022-09-17T12:41:41.334-07:00So it took me a long time, but I know she's no...So it took me a long time, but I know she's not crazy, she's not truly out of control, despite what it looks like. She exhibits enormous control in public. When it suits her. Right after she's been abusive is when she'll act the most sickeningly sweet and pathetic. I wasted a lot of years comforting HER after she'd abused me, because I believed in her self-pitying performance. I see it now for what it is-a performance in order to get me to sooth her, give her attention, reassure her that she is all good. It was all to avoid responsibility for her behavior. To keep everyone treating her as if she were the child. And I the one responsible for her moods, her acts, everything she didn't want to deal with. She cycles through episodes like this a few times a day. In between she can be chatty, gossipy, fun. Like a teenage girl that's fun to hang out with. Not like a mother, no. But still, she isn't abusive 100% of the time. The only thing about her that's constant is that she must always be right, never wrong, and is never responsible for anything negative. That is the heart of the problem. Because if she's never responsible for anything negative, what else can she do when she's feeling depressed, or angry, or jealous, or bored, than to attack those nearest to her? And believe with all her might that all the negativity she feels is coming from them. With people like this, the only option you're allowed is go along to get along. Letting them off the hook. Playing along. Looking the other way. Some people refuse consequences at all costs. The most damaging people in the world are those that believe they can do no wrong. That justify in themselves everything. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6255338109333635304.post-38720300719816327522022-09-17T12:40:39.835-07:002022-09-17T12:40:39.835-07:00There's no compromise, no alternative to this....There's no compromise, no alternative to this. She has trained our family to successfully go along as if nothing ever happened. We're all living in forced denial. It's her way or she'll take down the whole castle. Minutes after her rages, she is contentedly chatty, absorbed in her tv program, whatever. Completely fine with herself. As crazy as it seems, she was not. How do I know this? Because she was quite clever about making sure the bullying, rages, and abuse only happened behind closed doors. If there were witnesses, she'd become a delicate flower. Super smiley, deferential, sweet and accommodating. Always making jokes, like everything was a laugh and she acted like she was nothing but lighthearted fun. That's right, laughing and giggling right after a rageful violent display. Anyone else would be mortified and/or deeply ashamed after behaving this way. Not her. <br /> I would always know if there was company by the sound of her voice. She uses a different, sweeter, more feminine tone of voice during those times. And she projects lightheartedness, super femininity (almost girlishness, like a sweet little girl voice). She would change her voice to something sweet and soft and light, almost like her voice was an instrument and she was giving a performance. <br />Like turning on a switch, it was time to put on her performance voice. She still does it. As soon as the witness, friend, public, whoever was gone, the transition back to her usual self (sour, angry, bitter) swooshes right back. Never, ever has she let the mask slip in public. She maintains the façade for the public like its her only job. Which, I suppose it is. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6255338109333635304.post-73430191345479492242022-09-17T12:40:08.120-07:002022-09-17T12:40:08.120-07:00Go along to get along seems to be the only option ...Go along to get along seems to be the only option a bpd will allow. That is, you have to pretend the abuse or episodes never happened. If one veers from that, they rage and become more abusive, accusatory, and will project, insisting YOU are the bad, terrible, evil one. Occasionally, strictly confronting my narcissistic father with consequences has worked (but at great cost, as it is usually a battle before he accepts that there will consequences and compromises to the extent that he can). However, with my bpd mother nothing works but absolute appeasement. We all had to take on her violent rages, then act like it never happened 20 minutes later. She demanded that we act like she never did anything. There is no talking to her about afterward. If you bring it up her behavior when she is calm it will instantly set her off into attack mode and she'll behave worse than the original incident. Ratcheting it up, up, up is all she does until she gets her way. Unlike my father, who's behavior can be reeled in if there are real life consequences that he knows he will have to face, when my mother is faced with an actual consequence- she will either threaten suicide and dissolve in self-pity whereupon we are expected to flock to her side and comfort her OR (and she prefers this over suicide threats to her children) she will throw dishes, slap, rage, shake you, slam doors and cupboards, or come at you with cutlery. That's what happens when you try to talk to her, or fix things. Frankly, that can happen when you do nothing at all, but it most assuredly happens if you try to talk to her about her behavior. She only pulls out the suicide threats (those are for her children only btw) when all else has failed and people are still talking about or disturbed by her behavior. She demands that we play along with her and pretend her rages never happened, and if we don't do that her attitude is basically either "I'll destroy you" or "I'll threaten to destroy myself." Whichever she think will work best to get you to back off and agree that she's nothing but sweetness and roses. <br /> Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com