What was the most repeated abusive phrase your abusive parent made to you, or what was the most hurtful?
If you have been reading my blog, you probably know that the one floating to the top is: "You're crazy!" But there are a lot more of them, and they are pretty common.
I am putting them together here from three groups, just to help children of abusive parents know that they are not alone, and that narcissistic parents all seem to have their favorite phrases to hurt their children across the western world.
However, most child abuse survivors know that it doesn't end with these phrases. There is usually a lot of emotional, psychological and sometimes physical abuse that goes along with it, and it goes without saying that neglect is also part of the picture.
And to make matters worse, abusive parents tend to scapegoat one of their children, so the phrases tend to be "dumped" on them the most, and sometimes exclusively. The child chosen for scapegoating has been written about before many times in other posts, but for the sake of brevity here it tends to be a child who is seen as the most vulnerable, the most disabled, the most empathetic and the most sensitive to pain (emotionally responsive).
the echo aspect
One of the huge challenges for therapists whose clients who have been brought up to accept abuse by narcissistic or psychopathic parents is trying to beat back the brainwashing these parents have done.
These kinds of abusive authoritarian parents basically fill their children's minds with poisonous attributes while at the same time expect their children to withstand it, not fight back, and even to absorb it. They are shut up if they feel, and they are shut up if they object.
So the child goes out into the grown up world with all of these parents' sayings in their head:
"I'm no good"
"My sibling is better than me."
"I deserve to be abused."
"I always believe I know what I feel or think, but my parent tells me I'm too crazy to know, and tells me what I feel and think instead." And even things they don't say, but infer:
- You only deserve frumpy matronly clothes (for girl scapegoats)
- You won't ever be successful (for boy scapegoats)
- You only deserve family bullying
- You don't deserve to be heard or taken seriously
- Your feelings only deserve to be considered if you are a complete "Echo" to my narcissism.... and so on ...
That is all poison, all of it, and that poison is what fills up the mind of the Echo scapegoat.
It's like being bitten with a venomous snake over, and over, and over again. The child is hurt and they are taught to be an empty vessel instead where the parent fills up their personality with these horrific judgements.
Unless the child has another parent who counters all of this, which some of us have (I will talk about "the other parent's role" in an upcoming post), then going through the "de-brainwashing part of therapy" with a domestic violence counselor will be faster. However, if this is the only or main "food" for your self esteem that you have received while growing up (for instance if both of your parents are narcissists), "the de-brainwashing part of therapy" can take years and years unless you can begin to see where their voice ends and yours begins. But I bet you anything, you don't have much of a voice yet (in the sense that you listen to it and your family listens to it). You may not even know what your voice is, where your voice separates from your family's. Your identity has been lost and crushed under the overwhelming weight of your parent's venomous judgements, judgements that rarely left you with the ability to have critical thinking about them.
If you were the scapegoat of your parent, you probably heard so many of the following sayings, that you don't even know the number of times you heard them. There were too many to count.
When children grow up with "normal parents", there will probably be a few times the parents snapped, perhaps out of impatience (at least that is what I have heard - and they are usually forgiven by their children, because the rest of the time, the parent was kind). And believe it or not, the children remember those few "slip-ups" for the rest of their lives. It has probably been discussed many times, perhaps even giggled about sheepishly for both children and their parent. Normal parents get no joy out of hurting their children. It's a family way of saying the children acted out and the parents made the mistake of saying something hurtful that they regret, and that all human beings are flawed enough that they will hurt one another a few times in the course of the whole relationship.
But for survivors of child abuse, they don't remember singular incidents. They remember incidents and sayings as though they were a kind of alternate reality about their behavior that the parent sees, but that they can't see (because there is too much gaslighting, invalidation and perspecticide). In other words, it is a day-to-day or week-to-week attacking session, as though it is melded into their entire childhood and even part of their inner dialogue. The child's mind is full of the negative sayings of their parent, even to the extent that it is their parent's voice speaking in their minds and in their sleep through nightmares, and not their own voice.
And that is unacceptable.
This post is also being published as a preliminary to posts having to do with narcissists and their agenda to break the self esteem of one or more of their children.
Narcissists have a profound lack of empathy and narcissists experience and view love as role-related and as a transactional business relationship even with their own kids. That will become clear below.
As far as abusers go (those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and those with Antisocial Personality Disorder), breaking the self esteem of others primarily has to do with their lust for power, control and domination, their over-the-top feelings of competition and envy, and their inability to regulate their rage when things aren't going the way they want them to in these prior areas.
Perpetrators are often not aware of the pitfalls, and victims are often not aware of how much this kind of treatment is effecting them over the long haul (and they also question why a perpetrator would want a relationship at all when they seem to hate and threaten them so much, even when the perpetrator is a parent ... in fact, the desire to parent is often voiced to be undesirable as you will see).
Just as invaders try to hurt "the invaded", and make them bend to their will, invasions do not always work, precisely because the agenda entails inflicting pain.
In terms of this post, the hurtful things these parents say often goes hand-in-hand with control, such as "We're only treating you bad because you need to learn a lesson!" And of course, the lesson either entails hurting the child and/or teaching the child to be catering to the needs and desires of the parent.
Hurtful lessons have been shown not to work (the research on punishment versus teaching by example is clear ... another link). The harsh lesson for the child to sublimate their own feelings and needs and submit at any and all times to the parent usually continues when they are a full adult (and forever after - a child's retirement age does not keep a parent from trying the same lessons that they did on the three year old).
Apparently once you learn the lesson, your parent often tells you that he or she will treat you better. But this is overwhelmingly an empty promise, as they crave more and more power, and as more life situations come up. Then the abusive sayings appear again (the ones the child had nightmares about).
Now as far as lack of empathy goes, abuse couldn't happen unless a lack of empathy was present. Empathy means that you care how criticisms, insults and put-downs are effecting your children. Narcissists only care how they are being treated, not the impact they make on others. That is why they are so quick to minimize, deflect, make endless excuses, and blame-shift.
Most parents wouldn't dream of saying the things in the list below to their own children for fear of causing harm to their children and destruction to the relationship. A normal parent's agenda is NOT to hurt their children, but to help them grow to learn how to be autonomous adults with skills and talents. By modeling empathy, the bond between parent and child becomes stronger, as well as the entire family unit.
The goal of abusive parents (who tend to have a Cluster B personality disorders including narcissism) is to have a trauma bond or a co-dependent relationship with their child, if they want any bond at all. A trauma bond is where the bond exists because of traumatizing: punishments, threats, blackmail, insults, hyper-critical comments, emotional wounding, psychological wounding, financial abuse, sometimes physical wounding, gaslighting, lying, abandonments, broken promises, denying care, denying resources, destroying the self esteem of the child, and all kinds of other abuses (to get the child, and the adult that the child becomes, to do what the parent wants them to do at all times, to control the child and adult child, to mold the child into a puppet-like role - parental abuse tends to be life-long, and the scapegoat role is simply the role to be hurt, bullied and threatened by your family, and often abandoned and ostracized as well).
Trauma bonds are what they sound like: the child (and later the adult child) is traumatized by the bond between himself and his parent, just as "the invaded" are traumatized by the bond by the invaders. The trauma bond often does not work to keep the child bonded over the long term because inflicting and administering pain to the child tends to cause debilitating symptoms to the child. It isn't a happy bond. It is a bond where the child experiences fear, trepidation, hypervigilance, anxiety, sadness, anger at the injustice, depression, sometimes disassociation, and often all of the symptoms of C- PTSD both physical and mental. It isn't a strong bond either in the way normal bonding is between a child and a parent. For a trauma bonded child, it is about walking on eggshells for the parent. Meanwhile the parent is always gauging how much pain it is taking to get the child to re-bond, or bond more. When the parent feels he is losing the game of administering pain to get the child back into the trauma bond, they wonder why the abuse isn't working in the way it used to when their child was still a child (i.e. why it isn't garnering ever more power, domination, respect, grandiosity and control for the parent).
Wanting the trauma bond so badly and gaining ever more domination, power and control has everything to do with why they erroneously blame (blame you and end the relationship over any little desperate thing they can think of), pick a time when you are already traumatized by something else in your life (their thinking is that if you are vulnerable and suffering, that you will cave into more trauma bonding with them), and why they punish you when trauma bonding does not work. Most often the punishment for children is some sort of abandonment like the silent treatment, but often there are other punishments which are added to it when that doesn't garner results.
When the trauma bond doesn't materialize for them, it is also why they tell other people that you victimized them (even though the victimization was the other way around: it is the DARVO tactic which they teach their co-bullies to use too). It is just another punishment for you when you do not give into the trauma bond.
As for a parent wanting and expecting role playing and a transactional business relationships with an underage child as well as an adult child, it is also usually about: the parent gives something to the child, and expects the child to let the parent dominate and control the child in return for what was given.
Most children will balk at that, at least to some degree. Or they will try to keep some part of their life from the narcissist's knowledge (compartmentalize). The child who doesn't balk at the parent trying to gain more power and control tends to be the golden child (they are usually an empathetic golden child or a bully golden child). The reward that the golden child gets is favoritism and being held up as an example of how the other children in the family should be behaving to get the better part of a transaction from a parent.
However, since family roles tend to last a lifetime, especially if the golden child is a bully (he enforces the roles even more than the parent does, and administers more pain than the parent does too), having a better transactional relationship with a parent may never happen (broken promises are very common for narcissistic parents). So children see pretty early on that it is a pointless goal. The way the roles are assigned will also ensure that the scapegoat gets left out of the Last Will and Testament, again as a punishment for not being as trauma bonded as the parent wants (i.e. wholly, and absolutely a total Echo, with no voice, thoughts, feelings, dreams and inspirations of their own), and that the role itself demands that the scapegoat suffers whether in the family, or out of the family (smear campaigns when out of the family is how the scapegoat keeps getting abused), whether the parent is alive, or dead.
It is extremely rare for a scapegoat to get an inheritance (from looking through forums), whether they are the only ones to care for the parent, or not, whether they are bending to the parent's will or not, whether they fully try the transactional role-related relationship the parent wants, for the very reason that the scapegoat role requires them to be a scapegoat, to be continuously bullied, threatened and hurt (and all of the phrases below repeated over and over again to them by the parent throughout childhood and adulthood).
To understand this further, you can look to how countries scapegoat. Being Jewish in Germany at the time of Hitler meant you were being hunted to be killed. It didn't matter who you were, what you had to say, how educated you were, how pretty you were, how much of a puppet you were willing to be to the regime to stay alive. It only mattered if you were Jewish. The same thing is happening in Ukraine. Being Ukrainian means you are seen as a scapegoat for Russia. That is the level of thought that is put into it - the individuals picked for death, robbery, torture, and scapegoating don't matter. And I bet both regimes said as many nasty things to and about their scapegoats as narcissists say about their scapegoat children.
Narcissistic parents hate their scapegoats. They really, really despise them in the same ways that all scapegoats are hated. You cannot love people you are trying to hurt, destroy or dominate. So the parent wants to make that message loud and clear even when they, the parent, dies, and it is usually generated by a generational prejudice and practice ("girls must submit to their mothers and husbands", "whites must be the dominant decision-makers", "liberal family members are higher in our family hierarchy than conservative members", "family scapegoats must be in pain all of the time because that is the way the rest of the family stays loyal, out of fear, to a parent", "the point of having children is to serve the parent and to be a perfect example of a well-bred family" and other toxic rigid generational assertions) - I have talked about this in other posts.
Scapegoat's symptoms can become so severe (C-PTSD), that the kind of relationship the parent demands makes recovering from C-PTSD nearly impossible. C-PTSD symptoms can be so bad that it will make a person suicidal and dysfunctional. The physical symptoms, based on age and overall health, based on whether both parents are narcissists, can make a person disabled too. Those who I have known with seemingly incurable and severe C-PTSD (usually with some Dissociative Identity Disorder symptoms too) have killed themselves, or gone to Europe for an assisted suicide, or the stress brought about an incurable auto-immune disorder where their life is always hanging in the balance.
The take-away that a parent assumes from having a child with PTSD, is that their child does not want to please them, and therefor they feel let down by that child, and because they feel let down, they use anything at hand for more punishments (just as an invader throws more bombs at a nation that is acting recalcitrant about being invaded). The perception that they have been let down by a child who cannot please by virtue of their traumatized state, keeps existing because of the parent's lack of perception (narcissists do not like to learn new perspectives ... another link), their lack of empathy, lack of insight, lack of caring about what their child is enduring, their on-going prejudiced rote perspectives, and their usual self absorbed tendencies and dreams of being the ultimate authoritarian.
As evidenced below, they show they don't care about their children.
Hurting their scapegoat child is always the agenda whether there is a present existing trauma bond or whether the child is estranged. Both actions break the child, to the point where the child becomes useless in the transactional business way that narcissists require.
For scapegoated children, the role and the transactional expectation is that this child take all of the blame for issues that arise with his parent(s), his sibling(s), and anyone else the parent puts in superior hierarchies over this child. The bargain also often entails being abused (child abuse) by the entire family. At the very least, the phrases below are used disproportionately to this child than anyone else in the family. This has to do with narcissists black and white thinking, that the people they are in relationships with are either all bad or all good, where the narcissist's opinions depend a great deal on whether a family member will adhere to the role that the narcissistic parent wants. Abusive parents think the all bad child is so desperate for any morsel, that the bargain is reasonable (i.e. to give the child some kind of breadcrumbing in return for being blamed and bullied), but any reasonable person knows that this is still child abuse.
Like any abusive relationship, the abuse escalates.
Now in terms of therapy, certain phrases like, "I wish you were dead" shows a lot more danger than "Money doesn't grow on trees!" Likewise "You're crazy" is much more damaging and destructive to a child's psyche than "Set a good example! You are the eldest!"
The one thing it should begin to show is:
* What are these phrases doing to the child?
* How much pro-active abuse as compared to reactive abuse is going on in conjunction with these phrases?
* How calloused are the parents to how the child is feeling? Is it intermittent or is it uncaring all of the time?
* How much "cloaked danger" is there in these phrases that point to a rapid escalation of abuse that require an immediate intervention?
* How many others in the family are doing this to the scapegoat, and what are their agendas for doing it?
* How many of the phrases have underlying threats that point to a situation of great harm for the abused?
At any rate, I put the most common phrases towards the top. The "x 28" (the numerical number means the original plus all of the repeats by other survivors) to take care of redundancy issues. The ones toward the bottom are "one-offs", in other words, just said once where they didn't seem to fit into any category. There were so many "one-offs" that I decided to do just a sampling of them. Some were parental threats of murder or abandonment towards their child, and others were "much milder". I tried to go with a sampling that encompassed both sides and everything in the middle so that it wouldn't be overwhelming.
These are the answers from real survivors (one answer per survivor). Please also note that I was not part of answering the question; I was an observer only.
THE ANSWERS FROM SURVIVORS
* "You're crazy!" Some of the similar ones that I put in this category were: "If you weren't so crazy, you'd understand that I did the best that I could!", "If you weren't so crazy, you would have appreciated the good parent I always was!", "If you weren't so crazy, you would have realized that everything you thought about me was a figment of your imagination!", "If you weren't so crazy, you would know good parenting when you saw it", "You were always so crazy to think you were a victim of abuse!", "I treated you right! But you were too insane to realize it!", "You have mental health issues!" and so on. (x 48) see my post on this phrase
* "You have a vivid imagination!" (x 45) - a common gaslighting phrase.
* "When I need you to say something, I'll ask for it. In the meantime, I expect you to be quiet and listen!" Some others I put in this category: "You should listen to your elders! They know best!", "I don't want to hear about your problems until you listen!", "You need to do more listening! That way we would get along better!" - in other words, shut up about abuse or being hurt, and endure a lecture instead (x 41)
* "You are so ungrateful!" (x 41) - after you tell them that you are hurt, or that you want something different for your life, or any other reason that has nothing to do with gratitude see my post on this phrase
* "You're so fat!" (x 40) - or insults about weight issues
* "Nothing you could say could make this right!" (x 40)
* "If you think you're going to blame me for this, you have something else coming!" - refusing to be accountable, and threatening their child if the child "dares" to hold them accountable. (x 40)
* "You’re ugly on the inside AND out" - sometimes said with a big smile. Others along the same lines: "You are not beautiful and never will be. You will have to work at a job where beauty is not required", "You were never beautiful. Ugly in fact. You might be an old maid", "You're ugly! That's why no one loves you or cares about you!", "You're ugly as sin!", "Unfortunately you didn't get my genes, so you have pimples, greasy hair, pockmarked skin, and you have a long way to go to attract anyone. In the meantime, you are stuck with me!", "You were the ugly duckling in the family!" (x 39)
* "Shut up or I'll beat you!" and variations thereof: spanking, whipped, slashed, punched, etc. (x 39)
* "You always were stupid!" - and variations like: "For someone who is supposed to be so smart, you sure are dumb!", "What's the matter with you!? Are you so ---" - stupid, dumb, retarded, loony, etc. (making fun of your mind or intelligence) (x 39)
* "You're useless!" and variations thereof such as: "If you weren't useless, you'd actually amount to something that I can be proud of", "You aren't useful to me. I don't really appreciate you. But you were born to me so I guess I'll have to suck it up until you can be useless to someone else!" - all of these adult children are estranged from the parent who shouted this at them (x 38)
* "I'm sick of you!" Others that fit in this category are "You make me sick with your whining! Go away!", "I'm so sick of you! I wish you were never born!", "I'm so sick of dealing with you! I wish I never had kids!" (x 38)
* "You're worthless!" and variations thereof: "No one will ever find any worth in you if a parent doesn't", "You were born worthless and you will always be worthless", "If you were worth something, people would want you and be trying to snatch you up." (x 38) - most of these adult children are estranged too.
* "You'll never be as good as" - a sibling, sometimes a cousin, or your friend - comparing children to each other (x 37) - tends to lead to estrangement too.
* "Children should be seen and not heard!" - the ultimate authoritarian family phrase - the attitude is about seeing children's concerns, experiences, feelings and issues as unimportant and invisible. It promotes neglectful parenting. (x 36) - most of these adult children tend to be estranged too, but not as much as the ones that I mentioned above.
* "I know how you feel! You don't fool me!" and variations thereof like, "Wipe those thoughts from your mind!" - when they don't know what the child is actually thinking. This is called perspecticide and I cover this in my post about it. (x 36)
* "If you're going to be like that, then you won't have a (mother or father) any more!" - threats about abandonment (x 35)
* "You'll never get anything from me again!" - threats about holidays, birthdays, family resources, love, caring, empathy; in general, withdrawing in similar ways as the threat above. (x 35)
* "You gonna cry? I’ll give you something to cry about!" there are also similar ones under this category: "Stop that sniveling or I'll give you something to snivel about!" (x 35)
* "I hope you have kids just like you!" (x 35)
* "Don't talk to (x family member)!" and variations like: "You are not to talk to them, do you hear me!?" twisting your arm to make you comply ... in other words, their family enemies (which tend to change) have to be your enemies too or you will endure a consequence. (x 35)
* "You'll never amount to anything!" (x 34)
* "I hate you!" - and variations thereof such as "I can't stand the sight of you!", "I hate the ground you walk on!" and so on (x 34)
* "I wish you were never born!" and variations thereof: another common one I counted in this category is "I should have aborted you!" (x 34) All of these adult children are estranged from their parent.
* "You brought this upon yourself!" (x 33) see my post on this phrase
* "You're too sensitive!" (x 33) when you complain that your parent or other family member is hurting you
* "Life isn't fair, get used to it!" when complaining about how you are treated, and variations thereof (or being treated unjustly: post coming soon on this). (x 33)
* "You ruin everything!" and variations thereof. Some others in this category are: "You ruined my life!", "I was a good looking woman until you came along!", "If it weren't for you ruining my life, I would have been a dancer and attracted a better man than your father!", "You ruined my life on purpose!", "You know you ruined my life! And now you want to ruin it some more!", "You ruined our marriage! We were happy until you came along!", "You ruined my happiness when you put your mother before me!", "We were happy until you told me he was sexually abusing you! I should just feed you to the dogs for what you've done to me!" - sexually abused by a stepfather in that case, "You ruined my health! Before you were born I was on my way to becoming a star athlete!" (x 32)
* "You're so jealous!" - when you complain that your sibling is hurting you or bullying you (x 32)
* "Shut up!" (x 32)
* "I can't stand the sight of you!" (x 32)
* "Suck it up and deal with it!" and variations thereof when you are upset about something (x 31)
* "You'll sit here until you clean up your plate--I'm setting this timer, and if you haven't eaten those (vegetables) when the timer goes off, you're getting a spanking!" and variations thereof, threatening abuse if you don't eat the food that they make - many survivors have reported that they have food issues from childhood (bulimia, anorexia, feeling a need to eat everything on their plate when they are full, etc) when they became full adults (x 31)
* "I don't care!" - when you are trying to tell your parent something important that happened to you (x 31)
* "You just think you're better than anyone else!" (x 30)
* "Why do you think anyone cares how you feel!?" (x 30)
* "You were never good enough for me!" and variations thereof. Some of the variations are as follows: "I deserved so much better than you!", "I have always been a stellar parent while you have been a bad child!", "I deserved a better child, and what did I get?? A stranger in my house!", "I deserve a much better child than you! In fact, I think I'll trade you in for another! I'll just drop you off at the adoption center, and get another child, and you can rot in an orphanage!" Arrogance, and thinking they deserve a better child, is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic and abusive parenting. (x 30)
* "I never cared for you!" or "I never wanted you! I got pregnant with you and that's the only reason you're here!" (x 30)
* "You think money grows on trees!" (x 29)
* "Why do you think you're so special? You're not!" (x 29)
* "Why don't you just run away and make my life easier!?" (x 29)
* "You're a -- (animal name: snake, tarantula, pig, hog, b$tch, black widow spider, etc) (x 28)
* " I am busy go find someone else to bother!" (x 28)
* "You think you have it so bad! There are starving children in Africa!" ... India, Siberia and other places are mentioned sometimes too. (x 28)
* "I'm not abusive! I never put my cigarettes out on you!" Other phrases are: "I never threw you across the room!", "I never let you starve!", "I never made you sleep outside!", "I always made sure you were fed and clothed!", "I never slapped you even though I thought about it many times!", "I never stopped talking to you! You can't say I ever gave you the silent treatment or abandoned you! So I insult you sometimes! Big deal! Get over it!", etc ... they excuse their abuse by planting the idea that you could have had it so much worse in the abuse department. (x 27)
* "No one likes you!" or variations thereof like "No one can stand you!" (x 27)
* "You are never to defy me or I'll be your worst nightmare!" (x 27)
* "Cry your eyes out for all I care!" - leaving you alone with your sadness (x 27)
* "Just for that, I'll --- " they threaten a retaliation (x 26)
* "You are just like your father!" or "You are just like your mother!" (x 26)
* "Your (other parent) never loved you!" and variations thereof like "Your (other parent) was never as good to you as I was" - competition with your other parent (x 25)
* "Lord, why did I have to have you as my child?!" (x 24)
* "So I love (your other sibling) more! Get over it!" (x 23)
* "I don't care if you think I'm treating you unfairly! All I care about is how you are behaving!" and variations like: "Life isn't fair, and since you are stuck with me, you're going to have to prove to me that you deserve fairness." - using the position of power to decide how much fairness is doled out to you - gets a child into pleasing behaviors which can lead to soft boundaries and depression. (x 23)
* "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" (x 22) All but one of these adult children are estranged from their parent.
* "Who cares!" - when you are trying to tell your parent something (x 21)
* "I always do stuff for you, but I never get anything back!", "If I give you something, you need to give back!", "It's called giving and receiving and you've never been good at that!" - when you are still a child; expecting a transactional business kind of relationship with your own child (common expectation among abusive parents) (x 21)
* "What the hell did I do to deserve this?" - after you tell them that you are hurt by their behavior (x 20)
* "Nothing you say will ever make a difference to me!", "If you notice, I never listen to you, so you can stop talking now!", "I don't care what you have to say because I decide what is what, and make the decisions!", "When I want you to talk, I'll ask for it! In the meantime, what you have to say on any subject without my permission to talk is meaningless!", "When you talk, I don't listen! Just stop bringing me your bullsh&t!" (x 20)
* "You act like everyone is out to get you!" - when you complain about family mobbing, a form of family abuse against a designated scapegoat (x 19)
* "Your feelings belong to you! You are responsible for how you feel, not me!" - when you confront them about hurting your feelings. (x 19)
* "You always feel so sorry for yourself! Wahhh!" - when you are crying over their mistreatment (x 19)
* "You're never going to marry anyone! No one would ever want you!" (x 19)
* "You used to be so pretty!" ... or handsome (x 18)
* "You're never going to gain my approval, so don't even try!" Others in this category are "You're never going to gain my love, trust, care, etc" (x 18)
* "You don't need to be (educated, successful, happy, married, going to college, having children, buying a house, moving away, making that much money, going on that cruise, hanging out with those friends)" and variations thereof like "You hurt me when you decided to go to college!" - they are hurt that you are an adult, in other words (x 17)
* "You need to be punished for that!" - when you are an adult (x 17)
* "You'll never get an inheritance!" and variations thereof like threats about who will get what, leaving you out (x 17)
* "You used to be a nice girl! What happened to you?" - other variations include: "When you were a kid you were good! But now you're just bitter and awful to be around!" (x 16)
* "If you want to be part of the family, you need to do --" something that is either not in your best interest or is downright hurtful to you (blackmail). (x 16)
* "I really can't stand how you are behaving! If you want anything from me, then you'll have to please me!" and variations like: "You need to please me in order for me to be a good parent to you", "I expect you to behave in ways that please me, or else!" (x 16)
* "You just love to cause drama!" - when you are hurt; other variations are: "Stop being so melodramatic!", "You are such a drama queen!", "I can't stand all of your drama!" and so on (x 15)
* "I'm the worst mom in the world and you're always the victim! Boohoo!" and variations thereof (x 15)
* "We're only treating you bad because you need to learn a lesson! Once you've learned the lesson, then we'll treat you better!" - using abuse as an excuse to teach a lesson. (x 15)
* "You always make a mountain out of a molehill!" - similar to the drama phrase. (x 15)
* "You just love attention!" when you are trying to tell them something important (x 15)
* "You're nothing special to me! Never were and never will be!" (x 14)
* "Run away and never come back!" - and variations thereof (x 14)
* "Ha! You would never commit suicide! I know a liar when I see one!" - and variations thereof, making fun of a child who has suicidal thoughts (x 14)
* "You're not sick; you're just faking it!" - and variations thereof; health issues aren't taken seriously (x 14)
* "Who do you think you are!?" loudly and sadistically, said before a beating (x 14)
* "I gave birth to you and that is all. It doesn't mean you are important to me." (x 14)
* "I have always been deeply ashamed of you." (x 13)
* "Big liar!" when you are telling your parent that you are being sexually abused by a family member (x 13)
* "You need to apologize to (him or her)!" - when you've confessed to being abused by a family member (x 13)
* "Stop living in the past!" - when you feel there is an injustice from the past that hasn't been solved (x 13)
* "That never happened!" - when you are trying to make them accountable for something they did or said. (x 12)
* "This is MY house!" - or variations thereof - the message is basically about telling a child that it's the parent's house and therefor the parent can do or act in any way that they like, even abusively (x 12)
* "A mother always tells her children the truth!" - when caught at a lie ... can be a father too (x 12)
* "Why couldn't you have been a boy?" and variations thereof like: "Girls are so much easier than boys! Why did I have to have you, another boy to deal with!?", "I like boys so much better! God didn't do me any favors by giving me two girls!" (x 11)
* "Only a mother could love you!" and variations thereof like: "At least you HAVE a mom!", "Only I could love you!", "Only a parent loves a child. No one can compete with that. So you better get used to it and not complain!", "A mother's love is unconditional!" when by their actions they are abusive and showing you conditional love based on usefulness to them. (x 11)
* "It's just a joke, don't be so damned miserable!" - when they are hurting you and laughing at you and you are obviously distraught. Variations would be making you a laughing stock or teasing you, and you react with pain. Not being empathetic is also the hallmark of abusive parenting. (x 11)
* "He's only treating you bad because he loves you!" or "She's only treating you bad because she loves you!" (x 10)
* "You love to make me look like a bad parent!" (x 10)
* "Knock that (facial expression) off your face before I knock it off for you!" (x 10)
* "I always knew you loved (your other parent) more than me!" (x 10)
* "You take the patience of a saint!" (x 10)
* "This hurts ME worse than it hurts YOU!" when being beaten with a belt or switch as a child. (x 10)
* "I would never do that to my own child!" - when you talk to your parent about the beatings you endured from them when you were a child. (x 9)
* "I always knew there was something wrong with you!" when they hear bad news about you including divorce, accident, coming down with an illness, etc. (x 9)
* "Look what you made me do!" - a parent blaming their own bad behavior or mistakes on a child (x 9)
* "I feel so sorry for you!" when you are upset by something they did (x 9)
* "We don't keep secrets in this family! You owe it to me to tell me what is going on!" (x 9)
* "You're a little devil and I'm God!", "You're the devil and I'm the saint for putting up with you!" (x 9)
* "Who's going to believe you?! It's best to say nothing because people don't believe you." - - "Don't air our family's dirty laundry - don't you dare tell the neighbors!" and variations thereof like: "If you tell anyone the police will take you away and you will never see me or your grandparents ever again!", "What happens in this house, STAYS in this house!" (x 9)
* "Behave yourself! Set a good example. You are the eldest!" (x 8)
* "You're lucky to have a roof over your head!" (x 8)
* "You need to prove your worth!" and "You need to prove that you are worthwhile!" (x 8)
* "I don't want to be around you!" and "You should just go away!" - temporary rejections (x 8)
* "You'll never appreciate anything!" (x 8)
* "I'm always going to be better than you at ---" - competition with their own child over an activity or profession (x 8)
* "I'm always doing what's best for you!" when they aren't (x 8)
* "All you have ever done with your life is to embarrass me!" many abusive parents are concerned about their image. (x 7)
* "You should have been institutionalized, but no one does that any more." (x 7)
* "If I have to stop this car, someone's gonna get out!" Alternatively it is "someone is going to get it!" (x 7)
* "How dare you think I would insult you! I would never do that! I have always been polite." - playing the amnesia card out of being culpable - common (x 7)
* "You just love to argue, don't you?" (x 7)
* "I don't want a son!" ... or daughter (x 7)
* "What are you crying for? I'll tell you when you can cry, when I'm dead! Then you'll have something to cry about." and variations thereof. The message is that the child can control when they are crying. (x 6)
* "I stayed married to your (mother or father) just for you!" - blaming a child for staying married to his or her other parent (x 6)
* "Everybody thinks you're so pretty, but they wouldn't think so if they knew the real you!" and variations thereof. (x 6)
* "You always have an alibi, don’t you?" and variations thereof including "You're always trying to get off the hook", "You're always trying to appear innocent!", etc. (x 6)
* "I always liked (your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend - i.e. the opposite sex of the parent), but he was never good enough for me, so I let you have him!" - competition with their child over a mate. Some others are: "I know your husband always thought I was more attractive, but I never wanted to hurt your feelings!", "(Your date) looked at me! I'm a mature woman. You can't compete with a woman who is as well endowed as I am!", "You think you are the only beautiful one in the room! But your boyfriend always gives me a twice-over!" (x 6)
* "You put a permanent frown on my face, and now you'll have to live with it!" (x 5)
* "You act like I'm not important!" - after the parent has ignored them. (x 5)
* "You think you are so talented!" (x 5)
* "It's not that big a deal!" and "You could have done better!" and "There is always room for improvement!" - when you've won a prize, received a promotion, or are proud of something you did. (x 5)
* "You need to do things without being asked!" - said to an underage child about household issues, cleaning, changing their siblings dirty diapers, mowing the lawn, etc. (x 5)
* "You never were good enough for (your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc)" - after a break-up when you are grieving and heartbroken (x 5)
* "Stop living in fantasy land!" and variations thereof are: "Stop drawing unicorns! You have something better to do with your time!", "You could never be a fairy princess! You're an ugly duckling so you dream about being something other than what you are!", "Fantasy is everything to you, but then there is the real world, and I'm in it and you better get used to it!" (x 5)
* "Get off your high horse!" (x 5)
* "Why don't you die? Then we can all be happy!" (x 5)
* A parent sobbing and saying "You're abusing me!" - after they have abused you (x 5)
* "Why is it always that what you want, isn't what I want for you?" - i.e. the child complains about receiving food they don't like, toys they don't want, clothes and fashions they don't like, but the parent wants them for the child (x 4)
* "You think you are so hot!" (x 4)
* Regarding dreams: "You have to have people skills, and be a good person to be successful, and you don't have any of that!" (x 4)
* "You took the best years of my life!" and variations thereof - trying to make a child feel guilty over being born and parented. (x 4)
* "You're such a prude!" - when a parent goes around the house naked, or making out on the couch with a lover, or being sexually inappropriate, and you've asked your parent to put on clothes, or to stop feeling their partner up on the couch when your friend is coming over or when you have a date coming over to pick you up. (x 3)
* "You could be doing so much more to make me proud!" and variations like: "You're not everything you think you are! You could be more than that!" (x 3)
* "I take it that you are hurt by something I said, but you need to understand it is not my fault. You should always look first at what you do." (x 3)
* "Your Dad (or Mom) is always angry because of you!" - blaming a child for the mood of the other parent. This quote sort of goes along the same lines: "'Your dad drinks because of YOU.' He was my step-dad and he was a falling down drunk when she married him. I was 6 years old". (x 3)
* "You're a fuckup! That's the cause of all of your problems!" (x 3)
* "That dress looks too good on you! Take it off!" when you are trying dresses on in a store and your abusive parent is with you (x 3)
* "I'll kill you if you don't follow my orders!" (x 3)
* "I can't believe you actually found someone who wants to be friends with you!" (x 2)
* "It should have been you that died instead of your brother!" (x 2)
* "You like to pretend you are a better parent than I am! But I know you are a sh&t parent! You can't fool me!" The other one was: "You are a much worse parent than you are pretending to be! What did you do? Threaten them to say you were a good parent?" (x 2)
* "If you don't respect me, you will fear me." (x 2)
* "I'll knock you down a peg or two!" (x 2)
* "You're a disaster!" (x 2)
* "You're so annoying!" (x 2)
* "You're a piece of sh&t" (x 2)
* "Creep!" (x 2)
* "You think having a parent is bad? You can try living without one any time you want!" (x 2)
* "You think you are a saint, but I think you are the devil in disguise!" (x 2)
* "I have never cared what you thought or felt. It's my life, not yours when you are under my roof!" (1)
* "Why do you have so many flaws when I'm such a good parent and teach you how to behave all of the time?" When I told her that my flaws weren't any worse than hers, she punched me in the gut and didn't talk to me for 3 days. I was only 9. (1)
* "Why do you do art? You were never good at it!" when I've won more awards at it than she can count and am bringing up a son on the income I make! (1)
* "There’s nothing human about you! You’re an alien living in my house!" (1)
* "You have sh&t brown eyes, just like your father!" (1)
* "Nobody will care about you like we do." Around the time they were feeding me and my sister these phrases and lies, they changed the family trust and gave their house to GC brother and disinherited my sister and I. They did not disclose this for 5 yrs, the same 5 yrs they kept feeding me and my sister phrases like this. I got a letter from their lawyer, wretched awful people, and I have no words for the deceit they gave all of us kids, nor for my brother. (1)
* "You had a perfect childhood! You have never had anything to complain about!" I was raped by my neighbor and she did nothing! (1)
* When I was about 3-4 I would ask her if she loved me. She would angrily exclaim, "of course I love you, I could tell you I love you 'til I’m blue in the face and you’d never believe me." Last year (when I was 41) she told me how when I was little she used to imagine giving me to my dad (because I was so much like him) and leave with my younger sister. So that was actually quite validating. (1)
* "I'm gonna ship you off to a reform school if you don't behave!" (I was a super shy and a good kid) (1)
* "You have Borderline Personality Disorder! I always knew it wasn't my fault!" (1)
* "I should have locked you in a basement the entire time you were growing up and never let you out!" (1)
* "You're ruining people's lives! You're so selfish and manipulative! " It started when I was six years old! (1)
* "Slut! I bet you have every STD! Oh let me guess, YOURE little miss fucking perfect, huh? You NEVER hurt ME! I’m the only one who fucks things up?! I fucking hate you! Never loved you. Never wanted you." - tried to kill me (slapped a restraining order on her) (1)
* "For our sake, feel sorry for us when something happens to you!" I'm the one in the hospital, why should I feel sorry for them? It's always about my Nmom! (1)
* "He only does that to you because he likes you, it's not bullying, you have to take it and be grateful. Nobody will ever love you, you have nothing to offer." (1)
* "You should just be a strip tease artist!" when I was getting A's in school. (1)
* "You will never amount to anything!" Meanwhile I’m the most successful one of the whole family. (1)
* "You owe me 1,000 dollars just for breathing the air in my house while you were growing up!" (1)
* "You don't look pretty with your own hair color", blonde, "When are you going to dye it dark again? You look so much better as a brunette." (1)
* "I guess I'm the worst mother in the world! What do you want me to do about it? Stand on my head?" (1)
* "So, I stole your pictures! You shouldn't have shown them to me!" (i.e. the parent is sending the message that stealing is okay when you show them something they want to steal) (1)
* "You're so in love with yourself!" - when I was a small child. (1)
* "You’re not worth loving. He doesn’t love you. Look at you! You need a man with pockets down to his knees and unlimited money!" (1)
* "You'll take what I give and like it." Then it would be taken away. (1)
* "What makes you feel you are so important? A lot of parents can't stand their kids! You're all pariah and you especially were when you were little!" (1)
* "I'm not committed to anyone! I never got married to your father, and I'm not going to be committed to you either! If you don't like it, I can give you away!" (1)
* "If you don't get along with everyone in the family, you deserve to be left out!" (1)
* "You were a little liar when you were two and you're still a liar!" How can a two year old be a liar? They can't even talk yet. When I asked NM about this, she said I was talking enough to lie. What BS, but it hurt anyway to be called that so often and especially in front of my extended family. (1)
* "But poverty is good for you! This lifestyle is perfect for you!" My mother is a millionaire (1)
* "You were always good at being alone!" After my mother abandoned me when my father died. (1)
* "Maybe you should be a lesbian. No man will ever want you! Men don't like women who complain about how they are treated!" (1)
* "I should have won a medal for going to your boring concerts and plays!" (1)
* "You are perfect!" and then minutes later she would be a nightmare: "I hate your guts and I wish you were never born!" After a childhood like that I can't be around her any more. She tells everyone that I abandoned her, that I'm a psycho who loved her one minute and then hated her the next - she thinks I'm her, in other words. She has never been able to see me as a separate person. (1)
* My stepmother said to me when I was 12, "Stepchildren are not wanted! We put up with you because you came with your father! My own children come first!" And then she slapped me hard across the face. It was the second time I was in her company after my Mom died. It really hurt me and I walked on eggshells for years afterward. (1)
* "I regret that you're not up to par with people who behave themselves and don't cry when they are told the truth." NM was so cold about it too! The truth was, according to her, the incredible number of insults and put-downs she gave me. (1)
* "Why would you ever want to see your father? He's a loser. You don't want that rubbing off on you!" to try to keep me from seeing him. Other times she would say, "You're a loser just like your father! You should go live with him!" (1)
* "You have 3 minutes to be upset, and then you need to move on." (1)
* "You can't be serious? You will never have anything to offer anyone if you are fat, grieving and complaining!" when I was an underfed child and grieving over my father dying. She was trying to keep me on a diet until the doctor told her that I was seriously underweight and at risk for heart issues. (1)
* "If you complain, you won't have a parent at all! Got that?" (1)
* "I never cared for you as a child. You just wanted to suck on my breast and then later suck the life out of me." (1)
* "Your uncle never really molested you! He's family and would never do that, but as a child you insisted on it to your own detriment! So now look where you are! I'm sorry you didn't like him." (1)
* Anytime I express my experience of being raised by them I get, "No, no, no, that didn't happen that way, that was how YOU felt!" (1)
* "I'm always going to think you are inferior to me! Everyone knows that mothers don't love their daughters! You just have to pretend that you do!" (1)
* "The reason I loved your sister more than you was because she was easy! You had way too many problems like the time you were raped at xxxxxx summer camp! That made my life miserable!"(1)
* "What makes you think you're so special? I'm going to wring your scrawny little neck! I'm done with you. Your hair is a rats nest!" - while tugging hard on my hair with the brush. "You are a nothing and you will always be a nothing." (1)
* "You need to appreciate what parents do for you no matter what! Otherwise you don't have parents." She was always threatening abandonment and I could never tell her I was hurt or I was threatened by abandonment for that too! (1)
* "You never liked anyone but yourself when you were a child. That's why I left you for your father to to take care of you." (1)
* "You think you're better than me!" when I won a scholarship award in college.
* "Oh, poor you! I was raped a couple of times in college! I got over it! I don't let it effect my life! You were a kid and kids snap out of everything! But not you, God forbid, piece of sh$t!" (1)
* "I could never read any of your novels! I'm not a novel reader and there are so many lies you like to tell in those books!" She can't wrap her head around the idea of fiction apparently. Still hurts that she is not interested in my life or career. (1)
* "You never appreciated me, so I thought you'd appreciate me more if I took you out of the Will." (1)
* "I thought you were a devil when you were a child like in 'Rosemary's Baby'. At least the beatings helped in getting the devil out of you!" (1)
* "At best you're an inconvenience and at worst you are a nightmare!" (1)
* "Why would you think that we would think about what you were going through! We had ten kids to raise!" I was just another one of the kids. (1)
* "Everyone knows that boys are better than girls and that boys need money and girls don't! Girls can get money with their pussies and a little make-up!" This was said to me by my mother when I was fourteen and told her that I hoped she was saving up for college for me just like she and Dad did for my brother. (1)
* "You think your mother was a saint? Well she wasn't! All she wanted to do was to defy everything I wanted! That doesn't make a saint. All she wanted to do was fight me! And she's nasty! Even a jerk! You're never going to be good enough for me now! You're just like her, her clone, so I don't want you any more!" said to me by my father when I was just 16 and hadn't seen him since I was 4. He sent me on a plane back to her just after 5 days. I hardly said a word to him the whole time because I was nervous about being accepted by him. I told him I didn't like fish on the fourth night and he threw a temper tantrum. That was all it took. At the time I was devastated. But I also understood why Mom left him. (1)
* "I know I always loved your brother more than I loved you. But you never admit that to a child. You're supposed to raise them as if you really love them, but inside you resent every breath they take. I didn't know how to get someone else to take care of you without making myself look like a bad mother, and I'm a Christian so I couldn't just throw you in a dumpster, so I put up with you for as long as I was required, and now I've let you go." She said it so coldly. She seemed like a psychopath in that instant. It made me shiver that she even thought about throwing me away in a dumpster, let alone talk about it. It made me suicidal. I haven't seen her since then. (1)
* For me it was these "Don't cry!" sessions. She would throw me across the room, throw things at me, punch me, insult me, and yell, "Don't cry, don't cry, or I'll hit you some more!" When I was 11, my father came home early and I didn't flag him to get his help because I wanted him to see everything that I confided in him was true, and that she was the liar. He hid, and peaked out at what was happening with eyes as big as saucers. When she grabbed this coffee table book to beat me with it, he flung into the room and grabbed me and packed suitcases for us both. She lost custody and I have never seen her since then. However, I still have a lot of trouble with dissociation, so just because abuse ends doesn't mean you can't be damaged and haunted by it for life. (1)
* "I can't wait until you're old enough to get the f&ck out of my house and I can finally enjoy life without you and your drama trying to make us as miserable as you!" - I was 13 and suicidal. I stormed upstairs the last time my stepmom said that, and maybe 10 minutes later my dad kicked my door down to find me standing on my desk chair in my closet with a noose tied to the rod and secured by the top of the door that I'd fashioned from my flat sheet looped around my neck. My NPD Dad + BPD stepmom were so enraged by this that my stepmom fractured my wrist dragging me downstairs and then strangled me, crushing my windpipe. I briefly lost consciousness, and because my head was being slammed against the hardwood kitchen floor too, I threw up from the concussion they gave me. My dad ended up frantically driving me to the hospital and abandoning me outside the ER at 1 AM. That's the last time I saw them in person as a minor, because they lost custody pretty much on the spot. (1)
* After I tried to commit suicide when I was ten years old, both of my parents were screaming at me in my hospital bed that I should be in prison and in solitary confinement for the rest of my life. I went into foster care after I got out of the hospital. Years later I learned that my only bio brother took his own life. Now they have no kids. (1)
* When I was fifteen, my mother told me I was worthless and useless. I was rebelling a little, but not nearly as much as my peers were. I was forgetting to do things that were expected of me around the house because my mind was too focused on school and friends. Sometimes I was away at a friend's house or stayed after school and she would go ballistic on me because I failed to do a chore. I asked her what she was going to do when I was all grown up and living on my own in a few years. That made her so angry that she drove me to my dad's 311 miles away with my clothes in trash bags. One night I got into an argument with my stepmother and she said my mother was right, that I was useless, and drove me back to my mother's. My mother told me she was going to discipline me by making me live in an unheated cabin in the back of her property. It was pretty far away from the house and my friends got whiff of it and used it to party in and sleep over. It became a place to get high. I forgot to throw out some marijuana butts one morning and Mom found out what was going on. I also left my homework in the house and it was locked, so I couldn't get it to take to school. Anyway, I told my teacher what was going on and Child Protective Services looked at my situation and put me in foster care. My mother wasn't all that bright. She told school authorities that I was too focused on school and not enough on what she wanted me to do, that I had become useless to her in terms of serving her needs. Anyway, it stuck in my head for years, that I was useless to my parents. I had severe depression for awhile. Then I got angry. Then I recovered. When I was 30 I ran into her with my two kids. She told me how much she loved me with tears flowing, and how she always wanted grandkids. I hated her touching them. I grabbed my kids and said, "You are not going to be a grandmother and teach my kids that they are useless! And you are not capable of love either! Leave us alone!" Her tears dried up pretty fast and she looked like she wanted to kill me. As if she's entitled to my kids after all of that abandonment!
* They called me “Little Princess.” But not in a good way. “Why do you have to be such a little princess?” They always told me I had no reason to be unhappy. That I was just spoiled. They were grooming me to be a narcissist too. They told me I was better than everyone else that also I was worse than everyone else. It was pretty sick. I think I’m half narcissist still for this reason and also half zero self-esteem. (1)
* Maybe we should literally put all these in a book and publish it with the title "Things to NEVER Say To Your Child Ever Ever Ever In a Million Years".
* Title: "The Abusive Parent's Guide for Making Your Child Miserable by the Things You Say" - unfortunately, probably a best seller the way the world is going!
* Reading these comments....my God, look how strong and beautiful we all are; look what we've overcome! Hugs to all my fellow warriors
How Unloved Daughters Rationalize Verbal Abuse (Insights into why it often takes so long to recognize toxic behavior) - by Peg Streep for Psychology Today
How most people view having children from The Atlantic article, Invasion of the Baby Haters by Elizabeth Bruining:
excerpt:
Children are excellent; they’re wonderful. Having them, loving them, raising them is everything it’s cracked up to be and more; you could install an ecstasy pump in your brain stem and never feel half the euphoria that rushes up from within when your child runs to you, beaming, to bask in your love. These feelings are ancient and deep ...
My note: when you are a scapegoat, your parent never sends this message, and probably never feels it.
by Psych2Go:
