Note: I injured my hand, and I couldn't manipulate my computer art programs, so I will be uploading a picture here at a future date ...
This post will primarily cover why and how narcissists parentify minors, and why and how they infantilize adults (both partners and adult children). Another post will cover why and how alcoholics and addicts can behave somewhat similarly, and why, if they have both conditions, it can be a stand-out trait which is difficult to ignore.
In that same Wikipedia article, parentification with narcissistic parents is described as:
Narcissistic parentification occurs when a child is forced to take on the parent's idealised projection, something which encourages a compulsive perfectionism in the child at the expense of their natural development.[21] In a type of pseudo-identification, the child is induced by any and all means to take on the characteristics of the parental ego ideal[22] – a pattern that has been detected in western culture since Homer's description of the character of Achilles.[23]
Negative effects are described as (from the same Wikipedia article):
Parentification is harmful when it is unfair and significantly burdens the child.[20] As it may be adaptive or maladaptive,[5] it is not always pathological, but its destructive form (termed destructive parentification) is linked to maladaptive parenting, child maladaptation, physical abuse, sexual abuse, behavioral problems, decreased emotionality, and poor social competence.[3][20][24] Parentified children also have a higher risk of depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and low self-esteem.[20][24] ...
... A significant byproduct of parentification is losing one's own childhood.[26] The child may also drop out of school to assume the parental role.[13] In destructive parentification, the child in question takes on excessive responsibility in the family, without their caretaking being acknowledged and supported by others.[27] By adopting the role of parental caregiver, the child loses their real place in the family unit and is left lonely and unsure.[12] In extreme instances, there may be what has been called a kind of disembodiment, a narcissistic wound that threatens one's basic self-identity.[28] In later life, parentified children often experience anxiety over abandonment and loss, and demonstrate difficulty handling rejection and disappointment within interpersonal relationships.[29]
For literary examples of parentification, look to Agnes Wickfield in the novel, David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens.
Then there are the terms, "emotional incest" and "covert incest" which are often used interchangeably.
The definition given for emotional incest from GoodTherapy.org (from the article, Emotional Incest: When Parents Make Their Kids Partners by Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT):
Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a dynamic that occurs in parenting where the parent seeks emotional support through their child that should be sought through an adult relationship. Although the effects of emotional incest can be similar to those resulting from physical incest, the term does not encompass sexual abuse.
In terms of why it happens (from the same article):
Most often, emotional incest occurs when an adult marriage or relationship is fragile, a parent is lonely, or there is a broken family dynamic such as infidelity, mental health conditions, or addiction. One or both parents may seek to get their emotional needs met through the child instead of seeking support from adults. Sometimes a parent will undermine the other parent during an argument or separation/divorce proceedings by putting children in the middle or colluding with a child, which increases the level of the parent’s dependency on the child. The child, in turn, may become concerned about having to take sides or protect a parent. ...
... Emotional incest also can impact the family dynamic as a whole. One partner typically experiences being shut out and may be denied opportunities for parent-child bonding. Additionally, other children may be neglected as the parent leans heavily on the “chosen child.”
In another article by GoodTherapy.com, the article, Enmeshment and Blurred Boundaries: Emotional Incest Explained by Fabiana Franco, PhD goes a little further in explaining how enmeshment (another kind of relationship feature that narcissists demand to feel both securely attached to their child, and also in control and in a state of domination with their child) can also lead to parentification. Here are some highlights of the article when it comes to narcissistic abuse:
Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, has nothing to do with incestuous sexual abuse. Rather, it is an unhealthy emotional relationship between a parent and a child that blurs boundaries in a way that elevates the child into an adult role. The parent looks to the child for emotional support. In some cases, the parent also seeks practical support from the child.
In an emotionally incestuous relationship, the child is expected to meet the needs of the parent rather than the parent meeting the needs of the child. This type of relationship, which is similar to enmeshment, is inappropriate and can be psychologically damaging for the child. ...
... Emotional incest occurs when the child believes they are responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. This can happen when the parent talks to the child as though the child were an adult. The parent may request advice from the child regarding adult issues and can even place the child in the role of therapist. ...
... Elevating a child to the role of supporter and adult can lead to neglect and emotional abuse. A parent who is overly dependent on a child can also be critical and neglectful. Parents who have traversed or inverted parent-child roles can refuse or be unable to provide appropriate support for the child. This can result in a confusing mix of love and abuse (Hosier, 2015).
When a parent relies on the child, the child’s needs are not being met. Children who are placed in the role of adults often do not know how to ask for help. They understand that their parent is unable or uninterested in providing emotional support, so they deny their own needs. ...
... Parents with narcissistic personality (NPD) may lack insight into how their behavior affects their child (Kriesberg, n.d.). They may also justify or deny their behavior and refuse to see that their child may be suffering.
Narcissistic parents and parents who engage in emotional incest often need praise from their child. Questions such as, “Am I a good mother?” or, “How much do you love me?” can place the child in a precarious position, as the child is not allowed to complain or express their own needs. Instead, the parent is the primary one who needs care. This unspoken understanding that the child’s needs are not as important as the needs of the parent can have lasting effects and can cause difficulties in adult relationships.
There are several aspects at work when narcissists expect enmeshment with parentification with one or more of their children.
But first, let us get to the definition of enmeshment (also from GoodTherpay.org):
... Enmeshment is a psychological term that describes a blurring of boundaries between people, typically family members. Enmeshment often contributes to dysfunction in families and may lead to a lack of autonomy and independence that can become problematic. ...
... While many families value closeness and intimacy, enmeshment goes beyond the bonds of a close family. Enmeshment may mean a parent centers their actions or emotions on the child(ren) and their successes or mistakes, attempts to know and direct all of the child’s thoughts or feelings, and relies heavily on the child(ren) for emotional support. ...
... In enmeshed families, children may be brought up with the expectation that they will accede to their parents’ wishes and develop the same belief system and ideals. ...
... Most often, enmeshment occurs between a child and parent and may include the following signs:
- Lack of appropriate privacy between parent and child
- A child being “best friends” with a parent
- A parent confiding secrets to a child
- A parent telling one child that they are the favorite
- One child receiving special privileges from a parent
- A parent being overly involved in their child’s activities or achievements
Parentification can also occur in tandem with parental alienation.
What is parental alienation? According to this Psychology Today article written by its staff members:
Parental alienation occurs when a child refuses to have a relationship with a parent due to manipulation, such as the conveying of exaggerated or false information, by the other parent. The situation most often arises during a divorce or custody battle but it can happen in intact families as well.
Then there is parental alienation syndrome. According to an article by Amy J.L. Baker, aptly called Parental Alienation Syndrome, it is what can happen when a parent pressures a child to give up their other parent:
Among the many areas of concern for social workers working with divorced or separated couples with children are two related problems: parental alienation, or the efforts on the part of one parent to turn a child against the other parent, and parental alienation syndrome, or a child’s unwarranted rejection of one parent in response to the attitudes and actions of the other parent.
Besides enmeshment and parentification, the narcissistic parent often expects:
- to dominate and control a child (even way past childhood)
- expect their child to flatter them and agree with their opinions (which is another sign of enmeshment and of exerting power and control)
- expects their child to play a role (the role is given by the parent to the child, and often means a lifelong role that the child cannot break out of unless they leave their parent)
- sometimes expects the child to "take the blame" (or the rap) when the parent commits the wrong, or when the child wants the parent to take some responsibility for the way the parent's relationships or life has worked out
- sometimes expects the child to believe, repeat and justify the known fibs of the parent.
- sometimes expects the parentified child to assist the parent in bullying, disciplining and in expecting perfection (in terms of deeds, looks, and behaviors that the parent wants from the other children in the household, but isn't getting, and looking to the parentified child to get the goal that the parent wants).
- sometimes expects the child to assist in terms of keeping the other children in the household walking on eggshells for the parent and making sure the other children in the household go along with the parent's rages being the fault of these other children in the household ( i.e. never the parent's fault)
- sometimes expects the parentified child to give up one or all of their siblings in order to serve the parent (a toxic combination of power and control, triangulation, rewards, enmeshment, playing favorites and the isolation tactic in order to get the child to submit).
All of it is held together by a kind of blackmail. The blackmail is more extreme and obvious for malignant narcissists and less extreme or obvious for communal narcissists on the whole. The black mail is more or less "You must validate me and follow my wishes at all times, or else you will be attacked like my scapegoat child or like the other children in the household."
Usually the parentified child is awarded "favorite empathetic golden child status" or "favorite bully golden child status" depending on the parent's proclivities, and what she wants from his or her parentified child. Usually money, gifts and spending a lot more time with the parentified child is part of the mix.
One of the first ways you know that your parent expects emotional nurturing (a type of parentification) is when they look to you to tell them they are a good or great parent. If they don't get the answer they want, they withdraw either in self pity, with the silent treatment, or by overt raging and punishing you in some way. The reason they expect you to validate them as good parents can stem from:
- childhood emotional neglect, emotional or actual abandonment from a parent figure, or "insecure attachment" to a parent, all leading to the desire or entitlement to get emotional nurturance and emotional validation from their child or children instead.
- they feel that what they want (true enmeshment and control) cannot happen when you don't prop up their ego or their entitlements to feel "grandiose" and "in charge".
In other words, they expect their underage child to provide the emotional nurturance and supports that they did not get from their own parent or parents, which in turn can stunt the emotional growth of their child. The sad part is that this dependence can continue well into their child's adult years and old age. It can create children who "fail to launch" into true adulthood. It can also manifest as side effects in a child: crippling guilt, crippling "obligation" to serve their parent, and crippling fear (the fear of being abandoned if they do not parentify to the parent's standards).
Narcissists are often still stuck in childhood and "child behaviors".
The silent treatment, one of their favorite weapons, has often been described as "childish". Stealing or destroying another person's personal property (one of the favorite pastimes of malignant narcissists) is even more childish. It shows no more maturity than a very small child stealing cookies from the cookie jar and trying to get away with it.
It shows how destructive they get when they don't "get their way". "Getting their way" is very much a childhood dream of being a princess, prince, queen or king where tantrums like rage and threats are supposed to get them good results from their underling pretend-sycophant children. Contrast that with adult behavior and ways of coping: instead of the silent treatment, silent sulking, and playing the victim, the "fully launched adult" talks things out, has the ability to compromise, is capable of negotiating and listening with an open mind, is humble and is self assured enough to know that he doesn't know everything and can be open to new perspectives and experiencing things, has the strength of character and experience to know that he isn't always going to get his way, has the ability to see how he can effect others in a positive or negative way, and is grown up enough not to take opposing views as a personal insult. Instead of stealing, a "fully launched adult" will know why it is illegal and why it is hurtful, selfish, and often spiteful to steal (stealing deprives one person in order to fulfill another person). It's low, but it is also 3 year old behavior: "If Mommy doesn't give me that cookie, I'm going to steal it. If she asks me if I ate it, I'll lie."
If you've got a genuine seven year old child trying to take care of an adult who has "failed to launch" past four years old, it's a little like the blind leading the blind. Most children are going to fail at being a parent to their parent. At best their emotions and desires will be ignored, and at worst they will be hit over having emotions. These children are likely to be taken for granted, or raged at and abused for not parentifying enough.
If the four year old acting adult is giving the seven year old real child the silent treatment, the real child isn't going to really understand why: they are more likely to react: either an anxious-ambivalent style or an anxious-avoidant style. That is because most children who receive the silent treatment have been receiving it in similar ways most of their life (through neglect or a parent's resentment of having to raise a child). They have been receiving negative feedback, rather than soothing, since they were tiny babies.
If the four year old acting parent is stealing or breaking the toys of the seven year old real child, the real child is not going to really understand why this is happening either. They might, in the best of circumstances, realize that it is unjust and that it hurts.
All in all it creates a co-dependent "mess".
It definitely creates a dysfunctional and toxic family. In toxic families ruled by narcissists, you'll usually find other members who "failed to launch" as full autonomous adults too. Co-dependency is the main priority of toxic families. The other priority is "soothing the parent" rather than soothing the child. In fact, the child's feelings are often ignored in narcissistic families. Children are required to walk on eggshells around their supersensitive can-rage-at-any-moment parent, but if the child feels anything, they are told to squelch their feelings, or that their feelings are selfish and are being "used to get attention." It's normal for children to have trouble regulating their emotions and self soothing, but when the parent is worse at it than the child, it's a disaster.
And many children resent the fact that the only relationship that their parent will accept is an enmeshed, co-dependent one. Even rewarded golden children get sick of the lack of boundaries and triangulation that their parent uses to remain the number one focus. Some golden children will do just about anything for money and rewards, but they sacrifice their own well-being and many, many relationships in the process, even with their own spouse.
In the end, the resulting co-dependency that happens over this, can create a normalization of the silent treatment, normalization of going ballistic over relatively small mistakes, stealing and breaking other people's personal property, especially if the parent looks the other way, coddles or rewards the real child. And often certain children are rewarded for being co-dependent or accepting a state of "emotional incest", and acting like the parent acts, as long as the parent doesn't have to fix the child's emotional dysregulations or rages themselves, and that the golden's rage or other outbursts go somewhere else for someone else to fix (possibly a sibling in childhood, and possibly a spouse in adulthood).
But keeping the parent emotionally regulated and soothed isn't the only thing that their parentified child has to perform, usually. They may be called upon to take care of a younger sibling, their other parent, the parent's physical needs, health needs, psychological needs, financial needs, technology needs (like fixing a computer or resetting a home alarm system), nutritional needs and transactional needs (which can include getting on the phone with repairmen, doing grocery and bank transactions, dealing drugs at a young age for a parent's clients, being called upon by their parent to bully other family members -often called being a flying monkey). In some cases, the child may be called on to provide a parent's sexual needs, needs for sadism, or proxy raging.
Although parentification isn't child abuse per se, it often leads to child abuse.
It also leads to stunting the child's emotional and intellectual growth.
In the article, The Effects & Examples of the Infantilization of Women from Study.com it states:
However, it can also happen to men by their marriage partners too. It is not as common because narcissism is around 75 percent more common in men than women (male privilege or male golden child status helps to exacerbate the problem of men becoming narcissistically and arrogantly inclined), but when men are infantilized, such as when they are not in the dominant race or culture of the society, it can also make them feel as inadequate, invisible, dominated and "used" as any woman in the same position.
In the case of men, narcissistic women "use" men for money more than for sex.
A lot of divorces from narcissistic women are as hellish as divorces from narcissistic men.
A good example of infantilization in a marriage can be seen in the movie, Sleeping With the Enemy.
Then there is infantilization of adult children:
Causes of Infantilization
The causes of infantilization can vary, but in general a person who treats someone like an infant often feels superior or needs to feel superior. Children who are now adults may find that their parents refuse to see them as such. Instead, these parents feel the need to express superiority in many ways, including micromanaging their adult children’s activities.
Parents who exhibit narcissistic tendencies are inclined to infantilize their children because they likely see their children as an extension of themselves. A child’s independence is a threat to that relationship. Using infantilization, parents undermine that independence by doing things for their children in inappropriate ways or by trying to make their child feel incompetent when learning something new. ...
The article goes on to give examples of infantilization:
Disapproval
Interference
Excessive Criticism
The effects of it can add up to:
... For adult children, it can create a sense of dread around interacting with their parents. If the situation goes on long enough, the child may end up cutting off contact with their parents.
In terms of infantilizing seniors the article states:
... On the other end of the spectrum, seniors can become dependent on their children for care. These adult children find themselves stepping in and making decisions for their parents, and they may not even consult their parents. In the end, they treat their parents as if they are incapable of making decisions for themselves, despite the fact that they may still have a clear mind. This could make the parent infantilized.
Parents need to be willing to address these issues with their children, reminding them that they are adults as well. If necessary, legal protections can be put in place to keep adult children from overstepping the boundaries of the relationship. ...
My own observation: if you are a senior, making sure you are not infantilized by your own children means not infantilizing them after they become full adults. Remember that you teach more by example than by words, and you don't want to normalize "infantilizing adults" of any age.
Infantilization of adult children can go hand in hand with narcissistic traits too:
* perspecticide and invalidation: they deem that you are not worth listening to or hearing out because you are still being perceived as a child
* perfectionism: they deem that you are still a child who needs to know how to act perfectly, and to do things perfectly - usually for them. They deem you still need to be a parent-pleaser just like you were when you were six. In other words, they put themselves in the "teacher" position (which is annoying to any adult, even adult children). If they can't get what they want, they usually stoop to erroneous blaming and commanding behaviors to get what they want.
* gaslighting: they treat you like an inept crazy child because you need someone (usually them) to boss you around and tell you what to do
* physical abuse: they deem that you need to be punished (to go around hurt) because you didn't act the way they wanted you to, or you didn't do what they wanted. The message is: "You need to behave yourself and the only way I know that will happen is if I hurt you!" Note: physical abuse of one adult towards another adult is illegal.
* emotional bullying: they also deem that you need to be punished (to go around hurt), but the hurt is emotional: triangulation, smear campaigns, the silent treatment, having affairs on you (if you are their spouse), only having a relationship with your other siblings (when you are their kid), circular arguments, stonewalling, a lot of attempts at trashing your self esteem.
* Even their common statements like "You're ungrateful", "You create drama", "You brought this upon yourself" is not indicative of an adult conversation. All of their endless "behavior lessons" (when their own behaviors are hypocritical and dubious at best and incredibly evil and abusive at worst) is also just another round of infantilization.
Note: narcissists do not usually give up infantilizing you. It's how they feel powerful, dominant and in control (their unfortunate addiction). In terms of abuse, it is done by the narcissist so that they can keep assuming a role of power and control over you. It is harder for them to dominate and control you if they can't convince you that you are inept (i.e. childlike or disabled in some way). It is also how they get a grandiosity hit (again "hit" is used in the same way that the drug culture uses "hit" - i.e. taking the drug). If they get arrogant in the process of infantilizing you, you can practically bet that they are narcissists.
If you ask them to stop with the infantilizing, and they don't, consider that they won't change and that you might want to put your attention elsewhere, on people who will treat you with respect, and as an equal.
As for other kinds of relationships:
It can happen to seniors (as in the article above).
And infantilization can happen to adults with disabilities. This means they will be trying to take away your rights more and more. They may insist on making all of the decisions for you. In order to avoid being exploited, it is important to see a lawyer.
It can happen in a sibling relationship, especially if the narcissistic abuser is or was the golden child of your common parent and you were the scapegoat. In that case, you are infantilized in the same way that your sibling saw the parent do it to you. However, it can be quite a bit worse, and also a lot more dangerous because the parent does not see themselves as a rival to their child necessarily, as much as a sibling sees his other sibling as a rival.
In sibling rivalry, the golden child may try to dominate you and lie about you to the parent to keep his or her status up (and to keep getting rewarded), and for your status to drop. So many of them put rewards from the parent absolutely first before any relationship with you, so that can make them dangerous as well.
Infantilizing can also be used by itself: to keep their status high and yours low by appearing to be ultra-competent, and you disabled and inept.
If your parent is heavily narcissistic, they will have created the hellish "sibling rivalry" themselves to make their children fight for their love (many children don't even realize this is going on until they are in therapy and when you begin to evaluate how your parent treated your siblings). But by the time they put your sibling first in almost all situations and transactions, usually by early childhood, and you last, it is fixed that way for life usually. If you are the parent's scapegoat, or the family scapegoat, then they are extremely unlikely to change (being able to hear anything other than their golden child's perspectives). They can be extremely cruel unless you repeat, puppet-like, that their golden child is all wonderful, all competent, all altruistic, while you are expected to self-flagellate and portray yourself as all inept and all wrong - not likely over the long term, even when your parent expects it and blackmails for it. It means that you are expected to lie about how great the golden child is even if and when they are a bully.
In those cases, there is nothing you can do to change their minds that you don't deserve the abuse of your sibling. They turned off your voice a long, long time ago.
Note: if your parent neglects that you are abused, or if your parent expects you to apologize to your abuser, you are a scapegoat of your family. Scapegoating is usually extremely dangerous because you have no advocates, no one to keep the abuse from escalating. And it can escalate very, very fast, especially if the sibling is scapegoating (treating you abusively while being nice to other people), and if they are physically abusive.
Also note: a parent expecting you to apologize to an abusive sibling, or arm-twisting you to do so, is also a form of infantilization and very, very common in toxic narcissistic families. Co-adults respect your decisions to separate from your sibling, no matter how uncomfortable it is for your parent. In most of these situations, holidays are split: Thanksgiving with one child, and Christmas with the other, for instance. If they insist on infantilizing you about your decisions to cut ties with the golden child sibling, and you are the family scapegoat, infantilization can mean dangerous situations coming from many directions.
Most scapegoats leave their families because of escalating abuse, or have extremely limited contact (usually restricted to very large family gatherings, if that).
Realize that infantilization can go hand-in-hand with parentification, and often does, causing you to feel confused and being prone to cognitive dissonance.
If you are being "punished" in a marriage by your partner, or if you are being punished as an adult by your parents, that is almost always a sign that you are being infantilized and abused. Most domestic violence scenes have to do with both as well.
IS RELATED TO GASLIGHTING
But before they get to that point, they need to convince you that you are crazy first. And that's where the invalidation of your thoughts, feelings and experiences come in.
They need to convince you that your thoughts aren't right. Phrases such as "That's not the way it happened", "You need to see a psychiatrist", "You've never been able to decipher reality from fiction", "That's conspiratorial thinking", "You can never get things right", "I'm not interested in what your thoughts are" are some common phrases.
Your feelings are also negated: "You're too sensitive", "You make a mountain out of a molehill", "If you had just done what I told you to do, you wouldn't be in pain now", "You're such a drama queen", "You really need to get a grip", "If you're going to cry, you'll get it!", "I can't stand you when you're upset", "You brought this upon yourself", "You don't feel that way! The way you really feel is -", "Oh, here we go again!" when you are upset, or when you try to bring up their abuse and, of course, "I'm not interested in what you feel".
Your experiences are also negated: "It didn't happen that way", "Poor thing! You can't get a grip on reality", "The way it happened was - ", "If you can't agree with me on this, then I guess the relationship is over", "I don't want to hear what your experiences are" followed by "They are so boring!" or "This isn't relevant" or "Why would you think I want to hear about this?"
The reason why this is going on is that narcissists have very little empathy, and it is a power play to put themselves, their concerns, their emotions, their trials, their experiences ahead of yours. They want the attention going their way, and the inconvenience of dealing with your emotions, thoughts and experiences is irritating to a lot of them.
They tend to be liars too. And the reason they lie is to get their own way, especially in the perspectives department. They reason that their "so-called", "lie-filled" reality needs to come before yours.
If they are being called upon to deal with your emotions, thoughts and experiences, they can discard you or at least shut your voice down.
The reason for grooming you in this way is to get you infantilized, and hopefully parentified too: dealing with their rages by listening to why they rage: for you to take care of the issue they are raging at you about. Some of them advance to rages with threats. Often it is a blackmail maneuver, and also it is an assumption that you have empathy for them, which you probably do. The way rages relate to gaslighting is that if you don't agree to do something for them to get them emotionally regulated again, they are likely to call you crazy, and sometimes stupid as well, or at the very worst, beat you up, or run smear campaigns on you, or end the relationship with you completely.
They are all pretty predictable in this way.
Dealing with their rages is a parentifying move. If they say they can't help but rage because you "are so --" (trying to convince you that you are the cause of their rages), watch them in public with some of the same issues. I bet they don't rage there.
The infantilizing move, is to get you feeling incompetent enough that you will take orders from them. Infantilizing can also mean they will try to sabotage your adult dreams and ambitions, or at least try to control the details or give you lots of unsolicited advice about your career. They talk to you like you are a child who needs to learn lessons from them and to be lectured at. The worst of them try to micro-manage everything you do and say, even when it comes to your career. It is inappropriate to adult relationships.
If you are being physically abused in addition to being infantilized, you can call a domestic violence hotline or check into a domestic violence center to assess the dangers, discuss safety plans, keeping your documents in a safe place, etc.
In another post, I will be covering parental alienation, something that often happens in conjunction with parentification and sometimes with infantilization too.
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT for Psychology Today
excerpt:
All children of narcissists suffer. Sons of narcissistic mothers suffer damage to their autonomy, self-worth, and future relationships with women.
Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to nurture their children. They don’t see them as individuals, but as extensions of themselves. Their children’s feelings and needs are neglected and criticized, while their own take precedence. Narcissists feel entitled and insist on getting their way. They exact compliance through control, manipulation, guilt, and shame. It’s "their way or the highway,” and if you don’t oblige, they punish you with attacks, coldness, or withholding. Insecurity drives their insatiable, unrealistic needs for high regard and admiration. They take offense easily, triggering contempt and rage. Because they lack boundaries, they project—they shame and blame others for their own emotional discomfort, which they can’t tolerate. ...
... Just as daughters of narcissistic mothers experience their mother’s envy and competition, a narcissistic mother may be jealous of her son’s girlfriends and compete with his wife. No one will be good enough, because no one will measure up to her inflated self-image and standards. She must remain number one in his life. She may try to control and undermine his intimate relationships, criticize or disrespect his partner, or do so subtly with innuendo and manipulation. (See the movie Queen Bee.) Her son will feel hopelessly guilt-ridden and caught in the middle, trying to avoid hurting and angering his mother and partner (who may also be a narcissist or otherwise mentally unstable.) He feels guilty, is unaware of appropriate boundaries and unable to set them. ...
... Some sons of narcissists may develop a narcissistic personality disorder. Sons of narcissistic mothers have higher rates of narcissism. This may be because she’s more likely to idealize and aggrandize him rather than compete, as she would with a daughter.
Parentification: The Role of the Parentified Child in Narcissistic Families - by Carla Corelli for her own websiteNote: this website also has other helpful articles
The Real Effect of Narcissistic Parenting on Children (Narcissists raise children who suffer from crippling self-doubt.) - by Karyl McBride, PhD for Psychology Today
What is Infantilization? - by Brittany Loggins, medically reviewed by Ivy Kwong, fact checked by Aaron Johnson for Very Well Mind
excerpt:
Infantilization is when an adult is being treated like a child, even though nothing about their mental, physical, social, or intellectual wellbeing requires such treatment.
Oftentimes, parents are guilty of this to some degree as their children are growing up, particularly when they are teenagers and trying to forge their own path. That said, infantilization can also happen in both friendships and romantic relationships, especially if someone is trying to demonstrate superiority. Verywell Mind spoke with Dr. Sherry Benton, a practicing therapist and founder of digital the mental health platform TAO Connect, to find out more about what infantilization looks like and what impacts it can have.
"Infantilizing is treating someone as less than they are," says Benton. "It is treating them as a child, a victim, and so forth."
The Infantilization of Women in Mainstream Media and Society - by Tavisha Sood for The Verdict Online
Why Narcissistic Parents Infantilize Their Adult Children - by Kaitlyn Vogel (medically reviewed by Nathan Greene, PsyD)
Please Stop Infantilizing Me — Especially In The Workplace - by Danielle Corcione for Ravishly
Parentification and the Codependent Four-Year-Old -- by Lenora Thompson for Psych Central
Another puzzle piece added to the picture!
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate. I was infantilized by my hyper controlling parents all the way until I was 58 years old! They commented on everything whether I liked it or not. I was also a scapegoat. I think the scapegoat gets the infantilisation and the golden child gets the parentification, right?
Whew! That's an awful long time to be infantilized! My condolences ...
DeleteAs for your question, yes, you are right. Most often the scapegoat gets stuck with infantilizing and the golden child either gets stuck with emotional incest and/or parentification.