In this post I discuss the reasons why narcissists argue and why the frequency of arguments top other kinds of relationships. What is in it for them that they want to indulge in arguments and disagreements so much? And how do they argue?
In terms of how they argue, please see the further reading section at the end of this article, especially the ones that I recommend. There is also a very, very good video by therapist, Les Carter, who explains how narcissists blame-shift and almost never feel or show accountability for their actions.
This post will explain more of the "why" than the "how" because there are simply so many good articles on the "how" (it would be redundant to explain them here).
So, why are narcissists so argumentative? And how do they get to the point where they abuse and adopt false narratives with people they argue with? Why do they seem to love arguments so much? And why do so many of them resort to name-calling and personal attacks when they feel like they are on the losing end of an argument?
And why do so many of us get drawn in, especially in terms of defending ourselves, trying to make a point that might be heard by them (and often failing at it), splitting hairs over opinions (they tend to operate more on opinions than on facts), and generally feeling like we are talking to a brick wall? Why do we get to a point where we feel it is pointless and frustrating to even have a conversation with them? And after awhile we even lose respect for how they treat us and others, to the point where we no longer desire to hear what they have to say? Why do we eventually get so anxious about having to be around them and to listen to them and that they will pick yet another fight with us?
There are a lot of reasons for all of this. I outline some of these reasons below. But one thing you can count on in arguments with narcissists is:
* They won't care how the argument is effecting you (and often they won't listen to you because they have made up their minds about how they want the arguments to go: in their favor)
* They use arguments to persuade (for the domination and control of the issue where there is disagreement)
* They use arguments to wear you down (so that you will give into them)
* They use arguments to justify cruelty (silent treatments, hitting, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, stealing, attempts to destroy your self esteem and make you feel "less important" than them, broken promises, future faking, not showing up for special events, ignoring you when you are going through a tragedy or a major illness, coercion to do things which are bad for you or which sabotage you, and so on)
* They start arguments sometimes to take the focus off of their unethical treatments of you or others and put you on the defensive (most often using erroneous blaming)
* They use arguments to gaslight you ("You're so crazy!", "It's no wonder you're so incompetent: it's your mind again", "What's the matter with you? Are you stupid?", "There you go again -- I'm not listening to someone who is so unhinged!")
* They are not out to understand you or why the argument is happening; their whole mode of operandi is to "win" the argument and for you to do what they tell you to do. They aren't good at relationships where they don't feel in control of you 24/7, or where people around them aren't submitting to their will.
* They use arguments to triangulate people (i.e. divide and conquer): "You were never as good as such-and-such a person", "I prefer your brother over you", "So, I cheated. What's the big deal! You didn't take out the garbage last week", "You know she has always been a bad person" - justifying cheating with erroneous justifications, flaunting another lover in your face, flaunting the close relationship they have with your sibling in your face while at the same time treating you with disregard, telling bad things about you to person A and then telling you bad things about person A (so that both people are brainwashed to see the other person as "bad" - it is how the narcissist gains control of both people), showing up at the wedding of your sister but disregarding your own wedding, and so on. Sometimes they try to make it a point to grind into your mind that you aren't loved; you don't deserve a voice or respect - but everyone else does. Beware: people high on the scale of narcissism spend most of their waking hours triangulating. They are too insecure not to be triangulating. Triangulating hurts you socially and isolates you (and many people are susceptible to brainwashing, especially with narcissists who can fake empathy for their victims, so narcissists often get away with these actions). "Don't talk to him (or her)!" is one of the most common phrases for narcissists. Trying to manage how you have relationships with others is also a sign. "Behavior lectures" when you are a full adult (and they are showing all of these other signs of narcissism) can be another bad sign.
* They often use the "You're lazy" approach in arguments so that they can get you to feel guilty and persuade you to do as "you are told" by them. Close personal relationships with narcissists always bend more and more towards master-slave relationships. Narcissists are too power hungry to have relationships that are healthy, mutual, considerate and loving.
* They use arguments to attack and to put you on the defensive (they do this when they feel insecure about their ability to wield power).
* They use arguments to twist facts, come up with false narratives that make them look better to themselves and others, and to make you look worse. They also use the twisted facts to blame you and shame you. They refuse to have any "fault" stick to them, so they will be trying to pin it on you every time, even if they have to make up situations - count on it.
* They use arguments to "play the victim": they will try to make the case that there are conspiracies against them, that "other powerful people" are trying to gain power over them, that they are the victim of smear campaigns (when they, themselves, have no trouble smearing others and twisting the facts in their favor). This is a ploy especially by covert narcissists to get you to feel sorry for them, to take care of them, to get roped into enmeshment with them (i.e. revealing all of your thoughts and feelings while they withhold all of their information), and to do their bidding for them, especially in assisting them in some way in bullying and/or recruiting. When they are done using you in this way, many of them will use you as a scapegoat when you refuse to get roped into another of their paranoid perspectives.
* They use arguments to build a case against you. This is kind of how criminals operate too. They try to trip you up in a way where you will do or say something so that they can justify more cruelty and selfishness (usually they are desperate enough to use erroneous blaming).
In other words, arguments with narcissists are not about finding middle ground, coming to an understanding, each person making concessions, each person compromising. It won't be like the arguments you have with others. The arguments rarely make you feel good, and issues are never resolved. On the other hand, narcissists feel much, much better when they are in arguments, especially if they can get a rise out of you. But they only feel better for a short amount of time because somewhere deep in their unconscious, they know that people pull away from them because of the arguments. The fact that they only feel better for a short amount of time means that they will start another argument, or if not, then another act of coercive control.
For these reasons and many others, domestic violence counselors strongly urge you not to get into arguments with them. Arguments are a way for them to vampire you: to take away your strengths, your self esteem, your esteem in your mutual social circles, and even who you are and your life (if you let them).
For the most part, domestic violence counselors urge their patients and clients to excuse themselves quietly from these types of arguments, not to give the narcissist ammunition by defending or attacking. Many patients and clients have difficulty with that because often there is some kind of huge injustice and provoked cruelty by the narcissist and the patient wants to defend their own honor, to get the narcissist to understand them so that the rift can be healed, to get the narcissist to stop being cruel. The sad reality is that it won't work. They have deemed themselves to be the persuaders and since they are so role-driven and black-and-white in their thinking, they believe their role is to persuade and your role is to be persuaded. If they are malignant narcissists (narcissists with sadism), they like that you are hurt, they like it that you are feeling injustice, they like it that you want to keep defending yourself without their regard, consideration, or care, and they like it that they keep thwarting your efforts to be understood. They like the frustration that arguments bring to you.
Beware: it will sometimes frustrate narcissists if you refuse to argue with them, and if you are being physically abused by them, they can get violent because of your refusal to engage with them. This is why you should always consult with a domestic violence counselor first before taking any actions (every situation is different).
My point here is to show that arguments with narcissists feed the narcissist temporarily, and they will be smug and arrogant, and they will stand tall, and they will scoff at you, and they will act like "winners", but they make you feel frustrated, if not sick and weak. If you have PTSD, arguments can also trigger PTSD episodes. The more arguments you have with narcissists, the more triggered you will be, the more symptoms you will have. If you are not at a place where your anxiety levels are through the roof at having to endure yet another one of their arguments, you will be there eventually, because every person has a "point of no return" where they cannot take any more of the stress that narcissistic arguments bring. You will eventually see why you will have to walk away from the no-win arguments. You probably will get to a point where you walk away from the narcissist too (their mere presence can also become a triggering event - which is one reason why some narcissists stalk, to purposely trigger you, and not kidding - always get help for these issues).
So, since they know on some level that their style of arguments are so unpleasant for others, and that people eventually walk away from them because of the brand of arguments they like to use (which forces them to find yet another scapegoat or narcissistic supply for the role of arguments), then why do they keep instigating arguments?
REGULATING THEIR RAGE AND OTHER EMOTIONS
AS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS FOR THEIR LOVE OF ARGUMENTS
Remember that no-win arguments and scapegoats are necessary for the narcissist to keep them emotionally regulated. Why must they be emotionally regulated? Because they don't want to rage at absolutely everyone in their lives that they feel disappointed by, who they envy, who they feel angry with, and who they use for narcissistic supply. They want to channel their anger, jealousy and rage instead in a direction where they will find the least amount of culpability or social derision. They choose not to be treating everyone in a cold, cruel manner, so they save that part of themselves for you.
The other thing they regulate through arguments and rage is their ego (a dysfunctional self esteem). By making you feel worse, studies have shown that they feel better.
Usually narcissists only have a few scapegoats: one at home or within the family (usually a child, sometimes a spouse), one at work, and one in their social circle. The scapegoat serves as their dumping ground for all of their cruelty and harsh judgements. Usually they pick a scapegoat who they deem as weak, who they think won't defend themselves, someone who already has the qualities of self reflection (who they think will reflect well upon the narcissist and reflect badly upon themselves), who they think will give in under stress and blackmail, who they believe is having some self esteem issues (i.e. who is humble or is having trouble thinking of himself or herself as deserving, just the opposite of what they are: entitled), who they think will allow the raging and bad unethical treatment the most in their lives. Most of the time the scapegoats they choose are empathetic, sensitive, down on luck, going through something traumatic, or they are from happy families who help one another a lot. There is a good reason why these kinds of scapegoats don't last for them, but that is for another post. In the mind of the narcissist, they believe strongly that these scapegoats will last a lifetime, and if not, they try to keep the scapegoat in role by blaming them from afar (through smear campaigns mostly) until people around them tire of hearing about it and tell them to "move on".
That's when another scapegoat becomes necessary.
So, how does having a scapegoat regulate their emotions?
Most psychologists who treat narcissists report that narcissists are miserable, miserable people. They feel extremely high levels of rage compared to other people (just-on-the-surface-rage that they can barely control), extreme levels of jealousy and envy that they can barely control either, quite a bit of anxiety which is paranoia-related especially if they have hurt a lot of people, extreme levels of shame (shame creates rage in them) and if they don't have a reliable scapegoat, extreme levels of depression, listlessness and hopelessness. Depression and hopelessness for narcissists is called narcissistic collapse.
There is a reason why it is called "collapse" rather than "depression." Because all of what they have done to others starts collapsing in on themselves and they begin to feel elevated levels of shame. They will try, and try, and try to put the shame on to someone else when they start to feel any inklings of that collapse, even adopt a makeshift or phantom scapegoat who is torturing them (they will always believe they can talk others into believing that their victims have tortured them instead, rather than the other way around). But when even this fails to work, and their grandiosity and ego is collapsing too, the collapse into hopelessness and listlessness begins to take on more and more momentum. Narcissists who have no scapegoats left can and do commit suicide. If they break the law with their narcissistic supply endeavors, or have too many victims who want to see justice done, they are the ones who hang themselves in their prison cells with the bedsheets.
To keep them from feeling shame, or having to atone for their unethical, cruel and sometimes illegal misdeeds, they blame-shift and adopt a scapegoat. It's really as simple as that. In this way, they keep the shame, the rage, the cruelty, the envy and all of the other destructive forces of their own nature under wraps and under their control, only letting it bubble out and onto to a scapegoat (where they try to make it stick like glue). If they can get others to blame the scapegoat too, then they also feel more free to mistreat the scapegoat. The more supported they are, the more hidden the abuse is, the more malfeasance they feel they can dish out to their scapegoat, sometimes even in front of a large audience. They get reckless and arrogant about how they treat and fool others into thinking their scapegoat is 100 percent at fault.
The scapegoat becomes the dumping ground for what bubbles up to the surface. Once they feel they have relieved themselves on the scapegoat without detection or accountability, they also feel relieved emotionally and empowered to do it again. It's as satisfying as "taking a dump", where all of the toxicity within themselves is relieved out on to another person.
The scapegoat is used for fault-finding, for absorbing all of the narcissist's faults, for absorbing all of the narcissist's emotions ("You're SO jealous", "You're SO angry all of the time!", "You have NO control over your emotions" - all of it is projection on the narcissist's part, if you are feeling confused as to why they are saying these things to you). The scapegoat is also used for when things aren't going right for the family, at the work environment, and so on. The smear campaigns against the scapegoat are used to get others to gang up on the scapegoat too ("Believe me, not her" and "Don't talk to her" and "She's SO negative" with damaging gossip and false narratives is how scapegoating happens so seamlessly ... and by the way, the "negative emotions" arise in scapegoats because they are being attacked and treated with cruelty and disrespect and are often complaining about that fact).
Which is to say that arguments with scapegoats never get resolved for a reason. The reason is the above reason. They aren't supposed to be resolved. They are only meant to provoke the scapegoat and use as another reason to relieve themselves of the toxic emotional pressures and shame within themselves.
Some narcissists are so disordered that they think that if their scapegoats truly loved them and cared for them, that they would stick around and be willing to be abused by them, by their family or friends. "Prove your love for me by letting me abuse you" is not as uncommon as you would think. It is one reason why they choose empaths for the role over other kinds of people.
Thus scapegoating and arguing with people who they think they can coerce into feeling blamed and shamed is how they regulate their emotions so that they can put on a good face to the other people they have put into non-scapegoat roles.
LACK OF EMPATHY AND RESPECT FOR OTHER'S FEELINGS
ALSO DRIVES THEIR LOVE OF ARGUMENTS
This is probably the most important part of why they start arguments, especially when you are in a close personal relationship with them, and why the arguments are so unpleasant (and often come with a great deal of injustice) and do not get resolved.
Lack of respect for others and an inability to feel empathy for you is just part of their make up (it's their personality disorder and you can't do anything about it: you can't talk them into being empathetic towards you, and they don't want to regardless). You can't talk them into being reasonable when they are argumentative.
Anyway, they might show more consideration to some lover, or some favorite child, or a total stranger than they do to you, but that is because they feel less insecure and in a "safer" dominant position with these people than they do with you. If they feel their dominance is slipping, or on shaky ground around you, or that you might challenge their dominance, they usually become enraged. Discarding other people from their lives happens a lot because they flat-out refuse to be in relationships where they aren't dominating. As you learn more about narcissism, the discard can be "a blessing in disguise".
The discard often feels bad for you, especially at first, and is often confusing because many of them don't give you adequate reasons for it, but it also says a whole lot about them: that they are not empathetic. And it leads you to discover that they are narcissists. Generally narcissists practice idealize, devalue, discard in their close personal relationships. This behavior is pretty exclusive to them.
"The blessing in disguise" is that relationships with narcissists usually don't go anywhere. They tend to cycle for a long time in the idealize-devalue-discard realm, so if you are discarded forever, you have saved yourself from any more cycles of this behavior. I have explained why relationships don't evolve into anything healthy like on-going mutual love, mutual intimacy, or mutual respect. In fact, the longer you are with them, the more they withhold. They even withhold love and empathy with a spouse and their own children. And there will usually be a great deal of broken promises too (especially something called "future faking" and often affairs):
Love to them does not mean what it means to most people. For them it equates to you agreeing to be dominated, triangulated and isolated. If narcissists really revealed themselves, they would be asking themselves these questions about you:
* "Does he/she love me enough to walk on eggshells and try to please me at all times when I am in a rage?"
* "Is he/she insecure enough that I can treat them badly, even cheat on them, and will I still be able to count on them because they will believe the horrible things I say to them, and the horrible way I treat them? Can I crush their self esteem enough for my comfort?"
* "Can't they always put me first?"
* "Will they always listen to me first, and let me have power and control over them, and everything in their lives from career, to relationships to how they conduct themselves towards me? Will I get everything I want from them?"
* "Will he/she let me dominate them, or will it always be a fight?"
* "Will he/she be intimidated enough by people who I talk into hating them? People who I have brainwashed with false narratives?"
* "How do I keep him/her socially isolated so that they have no say?"
* "I can't believe I have to pretend to love him/her. It's so hard. I really don't love anyone. I wish they would just do what I tell them to do without having to go through this charade over and over again of having to convince them I love them when I really don't."
I could go on, but the point is that the internal dialogue is mostly about them, why they aren't getting the entitlements they think they deserve, why they can't bend people to their will as much as they would like, why they are so distraught because so-and-so is not acting the way they have been programmed by the narcissist to act.
Intimacy to them also does not mean what it means to most people.
Covert narcissists use love bombing, idealizing and flattery to try to get you to reveal the most intimate parts of yourself: your strengths, your weaknesses, what motivates you, your dreams, how compassionate you are, how loyal you are without revealing much of any of this themselves (and if they seem to, they are mostly lies, mirroring and projected blaming). Their lives are full of toxic secrets and maneuverings, and yours is an open book to them which they "use" for their own benefit. That isn't intimacy, and it is pretty clear it isn't when you are discarded or beaten over "nothings".
While covert narcissists keep everything close to the chest, overt narcissists make sure the conversation always comes back to them, with a lot of grand-standing, boasting, laughing and chiding. They show very little concern for you because they overtly make it known that the world revolves around them, that they are important, that their views are the most important, that they are so important that you should follow them.
Mutual respect does not happen in relationships with narcissists because they expect that respect will only go one way, towards them. They will make it known they don't respect you when they get into a rage. The bullying comes out. They make attempts to crush your self esteem. Anyone who tries to crush your self esteem or to bully you (especially gang bullying) is not empathetic.
Their behavior, in short, compromises any dormant ability they may have to be empathetic. In other words, you can't be empathetic and treat people like this. So, the empathy they showed you in the beginning was fake, was "acted" to rope you in and try to get you enmeshed with the ultimate goal to dominate you and use you in some manner.
Usually victims of narcissists are left with false promises and broken promises, so-called "mutual" dreams that don't go anywhere, and into your feeling extremely lonely in the relationship (because you aren't heard, they are stabbing you in the back constantly, using you for evermore triangulation games, and their love turns to hate over so many "nothings". See Sleeping With the Enemy review and Mommie Dearest where the rage over the "nothings" are best illustrated.
However, even if they appear to show more empathy to someone else, it doesn't mean they are. They are usually playing head games and emotional games all of the time, even when they appear to favor someone else over you, or to be going back and forth in terms of who is their favorite of the month. It's called triangulation, which I discussed above.
For the purposes of this post, I will be talking about close personal relationships (because business relationships deserve another post on this topic - and yes, even business relationships can escalate to a point where they are highly abusive and unethical, where triangulation is off the charts, and narcissistic co-workers can be especially abusive if they deem you as any kind of threat to their dominance, agenda, favoritism by the boss, or advancement).
To get back to their lack of empathy and respect ...
It is pointless to argue with someone who has a lack of empathy. They are not going to care about how they effect you or how you feel. Lack of respect means they will not respect your wishes to stop or end the arguments (again they take it as you are criticizing them for starting yet another argument), so they escalate the arguments and cruelty to make you stay engaged (defending yourself, or trying to explain). If anything, they have blatant disregard for your feelings. Sometimes your feelings even enrage them because they take it as criticism of them. What do narcissists do when they feel criticized? They rage. So it is like a never-ending loop: you feel hurt by them and they rage because of it! - over, and over, and over again, getting worse and worse every time it happens.
So they will probably not really hear you because the lack of empathy and the raging negates them having any kind of enlightenment.
In the end, their attempts to argue (so that they can feel better, i.e. grandiose and arrogant again) backfires on them. They tend to live with a great deal of shame because of the lack of empathy they exhibit. And when they feel shame, the whole loop of rage over feeling criticized because of their lack of empathy is what causes them ever more shame ...
The only way you can stay clear of being vampired from their arguments, is to not be engaged with them, or to walk out on arguments.
The way you do this if you are a family member of a narcissist, for instance, and you want to stay in the family enough to see other members, Dr. Ramani Durvasula who is an expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder often suggests: don't engage them in conversation other than the normal courtesy, lower your expectations a lot, don't take the bait (especially argument baits or bait that will lead to an argument), keep your dreams, successes, tragedies, thoughts and feelings to yourself, get them to talk about themselves instead, and withdraw from them as much as possible (she suggests doing it slowly, smartly, boringly, and without fanfare - a kind of lost child method).
However, keeping so much bottled up inside you is also not healthy for you.
They love arguments because they don't have feelings for you, and they reason that it is a place where they can display their lack of empathy without being accountable (especially if they can get you on the defensive or under their control in the process).
THEIR LOVE OF TRIANGULATION ARGUMENTS
In these kinds of arguments, the narcissist compares you with others. Somehow you aren't adding up compared to ...
Again triangulation arguments are extremely destructive arguments and heavily into the no-win category.
Some triangulation games are:
* trying to make you jealous of someone else
* trying to make you feel insecure about the sincerity of someone else (especially where it concerns love or regard for you)
* trying to divide and conquer siblings (and generally causing trouble between siblings)
* trying to coerce you to side with them against someone else (brainwashing, possible gang bullying)
* trying to coerce you to have a relationship or to stay in a relationship with someone who is abusive, or who is showing signs of abuse
* trying to be so unavailable that you have to go through someone who is cruel to you to communicate with them
* arranging a go-between to talk to them
* arranging a gang of bullies to talk to you instead of talking to you directly
* refusing to give you important family medical information if you are an adult child, keeping you from important financial information if you are married to them without going through someone else - very common
* refusing to talk to you unless they have the "protection" of someone who will back them up or ignore their abuse - to make you look unhinged and dangerous - also very common (and also projection)
* trying to get you to fight over them with a lover they have brought into your life together
* trying to make you feel "less than" their lover in the hopes that you will work harder for them
* sewing seeds of doubt about you to others
* damaging gossip
* parading people in front of you on purpose who do not mean you well
* playing the victim to get you to hate the person they say they have been victimized by (often the narcissist's victims are accused of being the victimizers)
* introducing you to someone they claim they aren't interested in, and once they find you are interested, move in to seduce them
* saying things like "No one likes you", "No one approves of you", "No one cares for you", "No one loves you", "Mom loves me; she'd never stick up for you"
All of these triangulation games and more are used by narcissists to get you to comply with their maneuvers and wishes as it regards others. If you refuse to be part of all of their "full time" triangulation games, they start arguments with you:
* "If you truly loved me, you would - "
* "So, he was acting with a little insensitivity. Why do you call it abuse?" - minimizing is extremely common for narcissists because they are working so hard to normalize abuse, and they like other abusers on hand when they aren't feeling they are in "the winning position".
* "Did you hear what happened? They fell off a cliff! Aren't you happy for me?"
* "Your father never really loved you! I was the one who loved you! Why can't you see that? What is the matter with you!?"
* "Why can't you get it through your fat skull that Mom never loved you! Why would she love a girl anyway? You're competition for her!"
At this point, I have the opinion that you should never get into arguments when triangulating games are being inserted into the argument. My opinion might change, depending on the cases I see, but for the most part, I see absolutely no benefit at all in engaging with them when this is going on. Most psychologists agree. It is especially evident when full blown narcissism is present (all of the symptoms) - these include lack of empathy, "idealize-devalue-discard", smear campaigns and false gossip about other people, entitlement and hypocrisy, and the need for a scapegoat as part of their personal makeup.
ARGUMENTS WITH NARCISSISTS ARE ALWAYS RIFE
WITH INVALIDATION AND PERSPECTICIDE
I have written about perspecticide and invalidation extensively through this link.
Basically, it comes down to the narcissist making these kinds of statements:
* "You didn't feel that way! The way you really felt is _______________."
* "You don't fool me for a minute. You're telling me you're hurt, but I know rage when I see it."
* "You can't be serious! She would never purposely try to hurt you!"
* "You uncle would never have sex with you! You need to apologize to him now!"
* "Your brother would never bully you! You need to apologize to him now!"
* "You're such a liar when it comes to your emotions. I know how you feel!"
* "You always mean to hurt me" when you don't (most likely this is projection on their part, because narcissists go out of their way to hurt you).
* "Your emotions have always been out of control and inaccurate." (probably projection too)
* "Why are you trying to tell me that your grandfather snuck into your room to play with your privates when I know d#mn well you tried to seduce him! Little tramp!"
* "Why are you telling me there was no gas in the car when I know I filled it up? I don't want to hear another word of this. You owe me for the gas, and you are grounded for a week."
There's more, but you get my drift ...
Narcissists want to control the narrative of what happened, what your feelings are about what happened, and even lie about what happened so that it fits into their playbook about what kind of person you are.
This is why the number of arguments with them is so high too.
When domestic violence counselors and psychologists who are narcissism experts really want you to think about whether you can withstand any more "together-ness" with a narcissist, they tend to focus on all of the ways you are invalidated when there are disagreements between you and them. Some of them write the list on the blackboard of things the narcissist has said that were invalidating, cruel and false. They ask you to look at that list every time you think about going back to them.
* Are you heard? No.
* Are your feelings being considered? No.
* Have they ever NOT indulged in perspecticide and invalidation during an argument? No.
* Do they make it seem they can read your mind and emotions and try to talk you into that? Yes.
* Do they say things like "I can read you like a book?" but they consistently don't understand what you are going through? Yes.
* Do they act as though you are lying about your feelings and thoughts? Yes.
* Have they ever shown any compassion for you when they pick fights? No.
* Do they get punishing and rageful when they feel criticized, when their grandiosity, dominance and power trips are being challenged? Yes.
* Do they insist on getting their own way, and that you have to adapt to their perspectives on what you feel, and/or what happened? Yes.
* Do they try to change the narrative of what happened so that it is their narrative that dominates? Yes.
* Do they ever expect you to apologize to people who bully or abuse you? Yes.
* Do they ever try to pull other people into their narrative as being the one true narrative when it comes to your feelings, thoughts, experiences? Yes.
I think all of us can count on these things with narcissists. This behavior is part of their disorder.
When you are asked these kinds of questions on a consistent basis, you tend not to want to go back. It works. It breaks the cognitive dissonance.
Narcissists love this dirty way of fighting arguments because it is yet another way for them to gain power and control: the narrative of what happened (even in situations when they are not there), the narrative of the emotions you are having, the narrative of the thoughts you have, the narrative of the experiences you have, the narrative of what your possible motivations might be and the narrative about your character.
Power and control is also the motivation behind abuse.
It is just one of many reasons why psychologists insist on low levels of conversation ("talk about the weather instead"), do not engage with them in arguments, withdraw as much as possible, leave them behind enough so that they have very little information about you or your life so that they will be forced to find another scapegoat (and believe me, they will).
USING ARGUMENTS AS AN INDIRECT WAY
TO ABUSE AND PUNISH
Malignant narcissists, as opposed to run of the mill narcissists, are usually sadistic, vindictive, punishing and they practice schadenfreude.
Malignant narcissists are like run of the mill narcissists in that they use arguments to make themselves feel better (more grandiose, more entitled, giving their ego and immune system a boost at the expense of yours). The difference is that malignant narcissists also abuse, punish, retaliate, and delight in your suffering to feel better too. In other words, arguing is not enough for them. They not only want to rage, but punish you too.
So the way this works is that when they feel shame (or feel they are being criticized), they rage and punish. That makes them quite a bit more dangerous than the purely rage-ful run of the mill narcissist.
If they are Machiavellian, they will, of course, be making elaborate plans on how to hurt you in addition to, or instead of, the impulsive rage at feeling "less than" (criticized, looked at as imperfect, looked as an abuser, looked at as sadistic, and so on).
Where the schadenfreude comes in is during the "check up on my victim" stage. If their victim is deeply traumatized and hurt, they get a hit of dopamine from it. In other words, they delight in their victims' suffering and they want the suffering to be long lasting, thus checking up on you to get information.
Because malignant narcissists have Antisocial Personality Disorder symptoms in addition to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they will usually be devoid of empathy. It is not that they don't want to feel it, they don't feel it. Asking them to be empathetic, would be like asking a man with no legs to walk: they just don't have it in them to feel empathetic towards others.
With no ability to feel empathy, and with a substandard amount of conscience, they will by-pass all of your pleadings and your wishes to be understood to get to the punishment stage as quickly as possible. "You are bad, so you need to be punished" is the typical brazen phrase they will use unless they think it will hurt their reputation later on.
But ... some malignant narcissists don't care about their reputations as much as run of the mill narcissists. They assume they will come out on top. They assume they will win the argument. They assume they will hurt you and crush you to the point where they will always be the dictator, and always have the right-of-way to hurt and punish others, and to always be in charge. They believe they will always have enough charm and charisma and that they can fake being the victim to be let off the hook for their sins and wrongs.
They assume that all of their lies will be forgiven and glossed over too. Malignant narcissists make lying more of their full time occupation than triangulating, though they triangulate too.
Personally attacking you when they don't like what they are hearing in terms of feelings you have, questions you are asking, thoughts about a compromise, are par for the course with malignant narcissists. All they want to do is to get to the punishment stage.
Punishing others gives them a big boost of dopamine, as well as power and control. Again, the satisfaction they get from it is usually short lived - they usually have to find someone else to punish if you are not around for more of it.
Punishments give them a powerful surge of arrogance and grandiosity. It makes them feel powerful because powerful positions where you get to punish other people tend to be judges, teachers, fathers of underage children, and mothers of underage children. They pretend at being one or all of these things so that they can get the dopamine high when they feel they must have it - and while it wouldn't provide that for the average person, it does provide it for the malignant narcissist. Narcissists live in fantasy worlds where they rule the stage or the world with their judgements - very child-like. It is especially child-like because these positions carry with them the responsibilities not to use erroneous punishments and perspecticide when "claiming someone else guilty", when grading papers, or assessing children.
And if you notice, these kinds of abusers tend to treat you either like a child who needs to learn lessons from them and/or a criminal who needs to be incarcerated by them. They don't make good judges, or teachers, or parents, but they like to pretend that they do - at least to themselves.
A perfect example of a malignant narcissist who acts like this is in the film, Sleeping with the Enemy. He insists to his wife that she is looking at a man in a lustful way. She explains that she had only briefly noticed him. The reason she only gets to say it once is because the husband interferes with her defense and smacks her so hard that she falls to the floor. Again, he gets to the punishment right away without concerning himself with what she might have to say, or even how she feels. It's a perfect example of how perspecticide and invalidation work, and it is also a perfect example of how a malignant narcissist goes from accusation to punishment without a backward glance. There isn't much of an argument per se, but the argument (the disagreement) festers and breaks them apart forever.
The punishments aren't always physical abuse. They can also be shunning or silent treatments, blackmail or coercive control, social isolation or false imprisonment, financial abuse or refusing to help during a medical emergency, smear campaigns and gaslighting to keep you socially isolated, neglect when you are dealing with a long illness or disability, indeed any kind or a combination of punishments are used. Then, to make matters worse, they escalate it all.
Punishing other adults is the malignant narcissist's specialty. Don't be in their crosshairs. Know the signs.
IN CONCLUSION
Narcissists will usually insist that you deal with their arguments and "picked fights". They always have an agenda for these fights that benefit them but leave you feeling demoralized, unheard, out in the cold, depleted, sometimes numb, and, if you live with them, often sick with anxiety and other PTSD symptoms.
I will talk about how narcissistic arguments effect non-narcissists in another post. It isn't pretty. And if you are exposed to it a lot (in a marriage or as a child) it can be very, very damaging in terms of both physical health and emotional health.
but have no problems trying to force accountability out of others
by psychologist, Dr. Les Carter:
by Lisa A. Romano:
one of the best videos I have found on this subject,
"#1 Tactic Narcissist Use to Make Sure You Lose Every Argument Every Time"
by Lia R. Romano:
FURTHER READING
* recommended: 6 Toxic Arguing Techniques Used by Narcissists and Manipulators - by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Centralexcerpt of the six arguing techniques:
1. Arguing in bad faith
2. Fallacies, nonsense, word salad
3. Provoking, bullying, intimidating
4. Lying, denying, changing definitions
5. Deflecting, attacking, projecting
6. Involving others and acting out revenge fantasies
Four Reasons Explanations Rarely Work in an Argument with a Narcissist - by Rhonda Freeman, Ph.D. for Neuro Instincts
Malignant Narcissism - from Wikipedia
Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse - by Andrea Schneider, LCSW