Things Narcissists Get Wrong About Punishing Their Scapegoat Adult Children. Includes Some Discussion on Medical and Emotional Issues in Both.

Copyright: Lise Winne

Note: TRIGGER WARNING for those of you with PTSD or CPTSD

The post follows:

Most scapegoat adult children are punished using specific kinds of punishments. 

So what are the most common form of punishments that adult scapegoat children endure?  - Here is what that link reveals (written in dark red in bold type with other points and links explored after the initial common punishments): 

* The silent treatment
   The silent treatment is considered a form of punishment because it withholds connection, induces a high amount of stress (especially in children and adult children), and shames in a way that is not understood. It is considered destructive and toxic for modeling behavior (i.e. other children in the household will take up using the silent treatment too, and will most likely normalize it).   
   Reasons why the silent treatment is ineffective in relationships in general. What that link reveals:
The reason it is ineffective is because it not only halts communication (including "understanding" why the communication has been halted), but it damages emotional safety (something I bring up in this post).
   Making rules about speech, trying to control speech, trying to control when the silencing of their scapegoat begins and ends, trying to control the scapegoat's narrative, trying to control the scapegoat  through the silent treatment, trying to temporarily ostracize the scapegoat by the silent treatment does not really work. It's an authoritarian move, plus it brings out undesirable outcomes. Here are the undesirable outcomes:
* It blocks problem-solving: You can't fix issues if one person blocks the speech of another person, or if one person refuses to talk or share thoughts and feelings. 
* The silent treatment triggers survival responses: The brain registers sudden withdrawal and rejection as a physical threat (a reaction of the anterior cingulate cortex). The brain still works very much the same as early humans did when being in a group or tribe was necessary for survival, and being left alone meant a high risk of death. In other words, emotions such as "threat" and "panic" take over instead of "Let's do some teamwork to fix this".
   Since social pain uses the same neural pathways as physical pain, how a person responds to emotional pain will be similar to physical pain. 
   (my note in teal ... with links: The fawning trauma response for a scapegoat in this situation would be interpreted in many cases as a way to ask, "Are you sure you want to reject me, and are you sure you want me to be in this much pain? I'm fawning, which means I'm willing to do some bending. So do you accept me now, or do you still want to reject me?"
   If the parent rejects the fawning attempts of the scapegoat, and continues with the silent treatment, the relationship is highly likely to be over. At that point, staying away means the hurt starts to subside, whereas to try more fawning attempts brings high anxiety. High anxiety can create  freeze trauma responses to take over. Thinking about contact with the rejecting parent means the scapegoat often really, really regret it afterwards. Why? what that link reveals is that the likely outcome is that old wounds reopen, and if the parent responds, the narcissistic parent is likely to initiate hurtful patterns, new wounds, or re-establish old wounds. The narcissistic parent sees the contact from the scapegoat as re-establishing control over the scapegoat. 
   Scapegoats do try in minor ways for a while to communicate just to see if there are regrets in the parent for giving the silent treatment (the answer is that narcissists rarely ever regret it, even when they know it is traumatizing, and a form of abuse - that link says they justify it and blame the child for causing it). In other words, being around a parent who can reject at any time is more painful and anxiety provoking than being away from that parent. Part of this is also a brain matter, similar to what children go through when a parent doesn't want to hear what their child has to say - the brain registers the parent as "unsafe", and in this case, "too unsafe to be near".
   "Staying away" also has to do with feeling a lot less helpless, of making a clear decision and taking away the narcissistic parent's ambition to control everything: the narratives, speech, when to begin and end the silencing of a child, and when to punish through more silent treatments. Taking away some of that power that narcissists insist is solely under their control can also create a little less anxiety in the scapegoat and pave the way for their own future). 
* The silent treatment can also register as a "power struggle", the parent wanting power over the adult child. In addition, power struggles with the parent are also seen by the brain of a child as "a threat". Why? Because parenting is looked at instinctively as nurturing by most people, so when a parent treats their own silent treatment as a power struggle that they must win against the child or adult child, it is no longer nurturing, no longer caring, no longer loving, and the trust in the parent goes away (this link says it is a highly toxic way to treat a parent) And by the way, the former link shows that the response of the child or adult child activates the survival part of their brain and triggers a high-stress fight, flight, or freeze response. In other words, it registers as "My parent wants to hurt me, to threaten me, to control me and win a competition I don't want to play", not "My parent wants cooperation between the two of us, wants to find a way to hurt me less, threaten me less, and wants to find a way where we can both live with the outcome.")
* The scapegoat sees that the trust in the parent is destroyed by receiving the silent treatment - this link and the link from why the silent treatment fails says that scapegoats who receive the silent treatment put trust in themselves instead of the parent. It sends the message: "I cannot safely approach my parent about my honest feelings, thoughts and experiences, ever, without facing punishment". - quote taken directly from Google AI. 
The general response and outcome in most people, including adult scapegoats are these issues:
* The person receiving the silent treatment can have trauma symptoms. However, scapegoats will always have trauma symptoms because of the nature of the scapegoat role, whether they are a child or an adult. In fact, if the silent treatment is practiced a number of times, or over a number of months or years, the scapegoat is likely to have CPTSD. Some of what the links in this section reveal about receiving the silent treatment (written in red) is:
   - A heart rate which either spikes or slows way down.
     The heart rate generally spikes when the target of the silent treatment is fawning, fighting back or fleeing.
     But it can also go in a different direction. The heart rate generally slows way down when in the freeze trauma response (dissociating, "not fully present", feeling helpless, feeling there is no choice, feeling trapped).
     For scapegoats who are in a constant state of high anxiety with a fast heart rate (and experiencing chronic hypervigilance), or are in the first three trauma states (fawn, fight, flee) it can cause abnormally high blood pressure and a constant fast heart rate (which can eventually create a normalization of heart problems which tend to manifest as frequent palpitations, heart disease, heart attacks, strokes, blood clots, and other heart problems by middle age or at least by age 60). 
     For scapegoats who respond by dissociating or freezing, the chronically lower heart rate often causes dizziness, extreme fatigue, chest pain, shortness of breath (inability to talk without running out of breath) and fainting. Long terms effects of a chronically lower heart rate include chronic fatigue, and faintness.
     Fatigue and faintness can cause injuries because feeling faint and dizzy will mean you feel off-balance. Long term effects of chronic fatigue and faintness include cognitive decline, memory issues (especially concerning short term tasks, organizing, knowing where you put things, and procedural tasks). It can also cause confusion, and a disability diagnosis (inability to maintain work, school or independent care - this is especially likely if they have CPTSD and forms of dissociation in addition to an abnormally slow heart rate). Other symptoms include low blood pressure, A-Fib, heart failure, and sudden cardiac arrest ... And we wonder why trauma therapists so often suggest "no contact" to scapegoats of narcissistic parents, especially parents who want to hurt you more when you "no contact" with them. Sheesh!
     In terms of narcissists, they experience hypervigilence too (feelings that they are under constant ego-threats). So they also experience heart issues. Most of theirs are in the form of a fast heart rate which can cause all of the same symptoms and problems many scapegoats face. The only thing that slows down their heart rate is "total environment control". What this means, and what the link refers to is this: "a secure steady stream of validating praise and flattery, and an elimination of any perceived threats to their fragile ego."
   This means that they want total dominance and predictability over their children, partner, work environment, and social environments. This kind of control is perceived to be absolutely necessary to them to relieve themselves of hypervigilant states (and cardiac issues), to achieve temporary calmness, as well as avoidance or retaliation of any perceived threat to their power, control and dominance. 
   - Stomach ache and/or nausea.
     A stomach ache is a trauma response because of "the gut-brain axis". So what is the gut-brain axis? It is "a two-way communication system linking your central nervous system and your digestive tract. It uses nerves, hormones, and immune signals so that your brain and gut constantly influence each other. This connection explains why stress can cause stomach aches and why gut health can affect your mood." Go to the link to receive more information about how this works. 
     And what kinds of moods do you experience with stomach aches?
     * irritability: constant pain and bloating can make small annoyances feel much bigger and harder to ignore or tolerate. 
     * stress and worry: both can trigger stomach cramps which can, in turn, create more stress and worry, which can create even worsening stomach cramps. There tends to be a powerful feedback loop where you can never get out of "stomach ache hell" unless the stress and worry subside. And guess what? You're never going to be able to get relaxed enough to recover fully from stomach aches with a narcissist in your life constantly disturbing your peace (that link says they rely on high drama and your negative emotional reactions to feel in control personally, and in the controlling of other people - both of these make the narcissist feel "stable" and take away anxiety on their end). 
    * the constancy of pain, and an attitude of "eating and stress creates stomach aches and sadness" will create a heavy gloomy mood that is also constant. 
     What kinds of moods do you experience with nausea?
     * irritability: small sounds, lights and questions can feel overwhelming
     * anxiety and dread: This tends to be a feedback loop too: nausea can make you feel panicked, and panic can create nausea, so the symptoms tend to get worse and worse and you can lose your dinner or other meals - and no, this isn't bulemia. It's, again, the result of trauma, which cause these symptoms. "The flee trauma reaction" especially, and commonly, cause nausea. The reason why "flee" reactions would tend to cause more nausea than say, fawn, and a little more than "fight", is because the body wants to make you "light" to make you run away successfully, with speed. A full stomach makes running away more cumbersome. Even if you do not run, or feel the need to, the trauma reaction still lives within you in the way that it would if you were a hunter/gatherer, meaning the impetus to "run away" that the "flee response" gives you, still reacts by eliminating food, or if a bit milder, "almost eliminating food". At any rate, you will probably won't feel as hungry as you used to. 
     * restlessness: you will not be able to get comfortable in a state of nausea, leading to impatience, sadness and tense muscles. This can also create a feedback loop. 
     Do scapegoat children and adult children experience more nausea and stomach aches than other kinds of people? Yes. What about scapegoats with PTSD? Yes, and the link says "heavily disrupts the gut-brain axis, leading to significantly higher rates of somatic symptoms like chronic stomach aches, nausea and digestive disorders compared to people without trauma. 
     Can constant trauma and the digestive issues that come with being traumatized cause diseases like Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn's and digestive cancers? Yes, but there isn't a direct link to cancers of the digestive tract, however there is a "but" - so much inflammation can have an "indirect link to causing cancer". 
     It's been established that scapegoats, particularly scapegoats with PTSD or CPTSD, usually get an array of gastro-intestinal problems, but what about narcissists? Do narcissists get gastrointestinal problems from feeling they are losing control? Yes. It is tied to losing control or having to do with a threat to their ego. One thing I found interesting in this link is this phrase: "Even if they do not feel a loss of control or threat to their ego, persistent hypervigilance to maintain dominance results in chronic muscle tension, headaches, and cardiovascular strain alongside digestive chaos."
     It is interesting to me that scapegoats need to flee the dominance of narcissists to feel better, and that narcissists need to constantly reinstate their dominance over the scapegoat to feel better. No wonder some narcissists stalk scapegoats who keep trying to get away or go "no contact", or the narcissist dies completely resentful and full of hate for their "not-going-to-dominate-me-again-or-cause-me-any-more-symptoms-or-pain" scapegoats. It gives new meaning to "no contact". 
     However, the law gives the rights to scapegoats, and not to narcissists in this regard (in the USA). I doubt that will change, and if anything, provide protective laws to scapegoats. 
     But just for kicks, I asked, "Why does the law help victims and not abusers and perpetrators?" The answers reveal that society wants laws that help victims to feel safe, and stop harm, and where there are consequences for perpetrators of abuse, people who use fear to control, and people who use violent and violating acts. Much of society feels "no right to harm" laws also serve as a preventative (only sometimes, depending on what kind of narcissist they are, and depending on how much they try to subvert boundaries; many of them will not respect boundaries no matter how many laws that there are because it is part of the darker trends of narcissistic traits). I also found this quote which I found interesting: "Abusers hurt others and break rules." When I googled that quote, I found many, many links to domestic violence sites as well as "How to tell if you are being abused" types of sites. When I asked, "What rules do abusers break?" Again, I got most of the same links.
     When I asked, "What rules do narcissists break?" I got a lot more responses. Basically the main response was that narcissists operate with a deep-seated sense of entitlement, that they believe rules  apply to others and not to them. The rules they break tend to cover the interpersonal, ethical, societal and sometimes they break the law because they think of themselves as exceptionally clever enough to  break boundaries successfully and constantly, without being caught or held accountable for a single transgression, and because they lack empathy. Promises, contracts and monogamy are often broken too. Truth and honesty are forsaken to twist narratives in their favor. They expect a lot from others, but it is rarely reciprocated. They often cross emotional, physical and digital boundaries without caring how it impacts you. They treat workplace policies and basic societal rules as optional. They often lack respect and etiquette when talking to others - they lack the basic rule of treating others with as much respect and consideration as they expect from others. 
     Note: I'm stopping at the two trauma symptoms, but there are others including headaches, autoimmune responses, mental, hormonal and emotional issues. Trauma tends to affect the entire body and brain. I'll bring them up later in posts specifically designed to deal with these issues. But I thought I'd give you a taste of what they are and why you might be having them when narcissists decide to punish you.
     The message that the silent treatment often conveys to underage and adult children (using a parent's voice): "You are not safe", "I am predatory", "I like to attack you with this punishment because I think you should either go away because I don't care about you, or because I think you should panic", "You are being forsaken and I don't care how you feel at all or what you are going through", "I only want to control you; the rest of our relationship means nothing to me. You mean nothing to me without my fully dominating you and I don't care how being dominated makes you feel", "The rules I want you to follow only apply to you, but not to me", "I could care less whether you live or die. That's why I gave you the silent treatment in the first place: your existence and what you are going through mean absolutely nothing to me, otherwise I would make contact to see if you are okay."
    In terms of the victim's thoughts, they tend to run along these lines: "I've been shown that I don't belong in this relationship", "I've been forsaken because my attachment to them was sick", "I went through all of these symptoms to find another way of living", "I'm glad they showed me who they really are so that I can move forward."
     Some adult children describe the silent treatment as "like my narc parent inserted poison into my body that left me with all kinds of horrible symptoms to deal with on my own." 
     The silent treatment is also often referred to as "silent death", "social death" and as a "living death". At the very least, it is stonewalling, and stonewalling is one of the 4 horsemen of the apocolypse that kills any relationship. However, I would also argue that the silent treatment shows all four of the horsemen (criticism of core personality traits, defensiveness with blame-shifting, and contempt for who you are). 
     Some narcissists eventually try to break the silent treatment and re-establish contact, but these days it is not very effective because it is a known fact that the silent treatment is abuse, that it is usually used with a host of other abuses, and that the parent puts you back into a scapegoat role and never feels accountable for what they initially put you through. For one thing, the trust has been broken and can never be put back together again, which means that adult children who have received this kind of abuse (and the silent treatment is abuse) will feel the same physical, emotional, mental and hormonal symptoms in the presence of their parent that they did when they first received the silent treatment.
    There is a reason why the body shoots all of these stress hormones and symptoms back into your body and brain when the parent is in your presence again. It is involuntary and evolutionary from when humans lived in tribes. The body and brain interpret the presence of the parent as "this person is not meant for me" and "this person is not safe and is predatory" and if the tribe goes against the scapegoat or needs a scapegoat to regulate their own egos, the scapegoat is lkely to think, "This tribe isn't for me either." 
     Do narcissists mean to send these messages? I'm not sure they know anything other than their own thoughts, ambitions for power and control, and beliefs. They are very poor at perspective-taking. I have to say it is amazing to me that they can be extremely retaliatory when a silent treatment is taken this way. They have little concept of what normal responses are because they never look into it. Why?  Because they think they are superior with a superior mind, so it makes sense that they would never look into anything outside their own mind and their own judgments (even with heavy confirmation biases).
   The main reason why traumatizing and hurting others is not talked about much. These aren't very good narcissistic supply, and what narcissists think will come out of these experiences is "positive narcissistic supply": gratitude, "seeing the light" that the narcissist is always right and superior, that the narcissist is always kind no matter the reality of the situation, that the victim will do what ever the narcissist wants over being hurt by them. 
   In fact, what happens is that the victim is concentrated on feeling bad (heart issues, stomach aches, headaches, body aches, auto-immune resposes) as well as mental issues (panic, depression, sadness, feeling frozen to do anything, being the first to show up in a hypervigilant state). The onslaught of physical and mental symptoms will be taken to mean that the victim is even worse about supplying narcissistic supply. Again, narcissists aren't good at perspective-taking when it comes to other people, they will look at what the victim is going through as another hit to their ego and punish even more. 
   At best, a traumatic reaction looks like laziness or recalcitrance to do what they expect. That's not even scratching the surface as to what is really going on, and is another fantasy that all narcissists share. 
   So the victim's forced forgiveness and forgetfulness becomes another feedback loop: the victim's trauma symptoms increase, the narcissist becomes enraged by it, inflicts more punishment, and then the victim has more symptoms which make them want to protect themselves more. Eventually it means the victim leaves, which causes another ego-shattering event for the narcissist, more rage, "punishments-by-proxy", which eventually result in "no contact" initiated by the victim (sometimes complete with police protection, security systems, isolating themselves, giving up on relationships where the narcissist is smearing the scapegoat's reputation. 
   Part of the reason why some people buddy-up with narcissists is because there are still some societal pressures that you must forgive family abusers, and forget how they hurt you. However, those attitudes are changing with Gen X, Millennials and Gen Z.
   Forget the trauma symptoms? Even if they are heightened by the presense of the abuser?That's just not going to happen because of the way the brain works when it comes to trauma and PTSD.
   Even if victims pretend to "forgive and forget" to get rid of the pressures of others or the dogma that lives within them or the religious faith they've adopted, trauma symptoms are very likely to persist and increase. 
   And the narcissist? They get worse (traumatize more), and the cycle, or feedback loop, continues again. 
        Hopefully you can see why scapegoats who are already saddled with being perceived by a narcissistic parent as "all at fault", "always to blame", "an unreliable source of narcissistic supply", "inept and crazy", "a person who cannot totally accept all of the blame and must be punished for thinking that way", "a perceived enemy who must receive abuse and whose ego must always be bruised and who can never be allowed to heal from wounds" would be totally incompatible and in danger from a narcissistic parent who needs, at the very least, some temporary flattering yes-men types of sycophants (but usually way more than that) in order to have a regulated sympathetic nervous system and a lowered heart rate.
     And why can't scapegoats provide it? Because they live in a chronic state of pain and suffering from the relationship with the narcissistic parent. It would be like asking a scapegoat who is lying on a bed of nails to praise the narcissistic parent for putting them there. What is the scapegoat supposed to say? "Thanks for the pain"?, "Thanks for the nails"?, "Thanks for using such sharp ones"? "Thanks for increasing the number of nails"? - because that is what it is like. Maybe they'd get it if it looked like the title of a book: Most Scapegoats Live in a Chronic Amount of Pain When They Live With, or Are Around, a Narcissistic Parent - by Yours Truly, and scientifically vetted by neurologists and trauma therapists from around the world.
     At any rate, narcissists can't seem treat their scapegoat child well, even when others can, and even enjoy the scapegoat when the narcissistic parent can't or won't - that link says that most people do not scan their environments for threats to their ego, and don't need to hurt a child to feel emotionally regulated. The link also says that healthy people see the child for themselves rather than as a dumping ground for their negative emotions. It also mentions that outsiders are not pressured by coercion and rewards to ostracize the scapegoat, so they can have a relationship without the judgmental or bullying structures established in generational abuse.
     Anyway, torturing a scapegoat isn't going to work in positive ways for the parent, not with the human brain the way it is, not with the central nervous system the way it is, not with the gut-brain axis the way it is, and not the family the way it is, and not because narcissists want flattery from their scapegoats. Apparently, narcissistic parents think they deserve positive responses like "I learned so much from being hurt by you! Thank you so much!!" even though they are beyond delusional. It seems the link points to deluded thinking about this, that scapegoats will wake up and feel overwhelming gratitude - over being continually hurt over the scapegoating. Wow, just wow.
     In fact, narcissistic parents even think silent treatments will work wonders. Maybe the silent treatment works with people they don't hurt, or don't want to hurt, or where they are in exceptionally superficial relationships like the transactions you might have with a bank teller, or a grocery store clerk, or with a waitress, but with their scapegoat adult children it fails miserably.
     In forums, scapegoats give into "going back" once at most, very, very reluctantly. Twice? The flee response kicks in so permanently that the other responses are barely felt. - this link points to why: the silent treatment communicates that you do not exist. A parent doing it the second time proves to a scapegoat that it is an act of cruelty, and a bad pattern, and not just a mistake. The child deducts from these two experiences that the parent will never change (into the kind of caring parent that most children have). The brain registers the silence as physical abandonment. How the flight response manifests is to  avoid the parent, emotionally detach, compulsively get busy, and have urges to escape (and even run). 
     Some scapegoats may feel a tiny bit of guilt or cognitive dissonance over a second silent treatment; most feel none at all. In fact, they tend to think of their parent as crazy. 
     The end result is that the narcissistic parent and the scapegoat think of each other as "crazy" and also "the enemy". You can see why this happens in the text I have written above and the links I have put up so far.
     But, can it be fixed? Very doubtful. While the scapegoat can change a lot (they practically shape-shift all through childhood to keep the narcissist regulated, i.e. not having temper tantrums and abusing over ego matters), but the narcissist cannot and will not change. And that translates to further destruction to the scapegoat if the relationship continues.
    Do narcissists know this? Very, very doubtful, nor do they care. 

* Constant criticism
   Constant criticism is considered a form of punishment because it conditions a child and adult child to look at love as conditional on "performing". 
   * It conditions a child to "walk on eggshells" (i.e. to be hypervigilant and anxious), constantly modifying their behavior to meet the expectation of their parent and to keep the parent from having outbursts of rage, and verbal attacks. 
   * It conditions a child to be afraid to be themselves (resulting in low self esteem, insecurity and shame for being normal and having normal reactions)
   * The controlling parent makes sure they have all of the power in the relationship, lashing out with criticism when they have less power or when you act independently from their direction or demands. 
   * Moving goalposts: The narcissist does this so that they can get away with saying that nothing you do is ever quite right, meaning new standards and criticisms are introduced. 
   * The hypervigilance and stress hormones treat constant criticism in the same way as other forms of abuse: symptoms (body and brain), as well as a "perceived threat to self" and as "predatory" on the parent's behalf. 
   Constant criticism is also seen by the brain as a form of rejection.
   Constant criticism is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse - where the relationship will not survive. But I would also argue that constant criticism also shows a lot of contempt, the most deadly in terms of relationship longevity. 
   Narcissists will often react to your inability to take lots and lots of criticism as a flaw in your character, saying "You're too sensitive!" When you react badly to these constant barrages of criticism, they tell you that you are crazy for having emotional or strong reactions. - however, that link should assure you that your reactions are normal and that you are being gaslighted. 
   Narcissists are actually the ones who cannot handle criticism, not even a little, not even  "constructive criticism". Covert vulnerable narcissists even take one criticism of them as life threatening. Some narcissists have a narcissistic collapse over a criticism and become highly accusatory, cruel, rageful and abusive. Why? Because covert vulnerable narcissists have exceptionally more fragile egos than grandiose narcissists, but they also feel more entitled to only get flattery and positive manifestations of narcissistic supply more than grandiose narcissists.
   Whether they are the grandiose or vulnerable type, peppering you with constant criticisms and moving goal posts as to what "behaviors" and "personality styles" are acceptable to them is very, very hypocritical and shows the "entitlement" aspects of narcissism ("rules for thee, but not for me", "you need to change drastically for me, but I don't have to change for you at all", "I deserve constant praise and you deserve constant criticism" - yes, they put themselves on that high of a pedastal). 
   How does a scapegoat with CPTSD react to being constantly criticized by a parent (because they will most likely have PTSD if they were and are still constantly criticized)? What that link reveals:
   * they will have trauma symptoms
   * they will be hypervigilant
   * they will have intense emotional flashbacks
   * they will have a constant urge to freeze (or possibly fawn, fight or flee if they don't feel trapped)
   * they will pull away
   * they will tend to feel paralyzed (part of the freeze response)
   * they may "isolate" themselves
      Again, with all of the hypervigilance and trauma symptoms associated with being peppered with constant criticisms, it is going to send the message (using the parent's voice): "I have contempt for who you are", "I really can't stand you. You're just a byproduct of a birth, and then I became intensely dissatisfied with you afterward", "I don't really want you unless you can change who you are completely", "I've always hated you; that's why I criticize you so much", "I really don't care what criticism does to you; I want what I want and you're not it". The possible thoughts that scapegoats have: "They must really hate me if they constantly criticize me" or "I don't feel like the person or even act like the person they make me out to be. They must be full of hate, and I can't live with it", "I should just disappear, because I get nothing but grief by sticking around", "It's interesting that they can't take criticism without having a total meltdown, but have no trouble dishing it out to me all of the time and expect me to stalwartly take it with no emotions attached!" Or "they like the emotions so they can call me crazy. Something is wrong with this set of circumstances, and with them". - by the way, these are normal take-aways.
   You can think you'll make your life better, and their life better by disappearing. Why else would they criticize you so much if they didn't want you to disappear, right? 
   However, narcissists don't think about the messages they actually send when it comes to constantly criticizing someone, even their own child. And what is more baffling is that they can be extremely retaliatory over people who leave them. This is so hard to figure out until you learn about "the service" that scapegoat children are expected to provide to narcissistic parents forever.
   The role of the scapegoat is that you are the person they hurt and rage at when they are feeling powerless, when they don't want any shame sticking to them and feel they need to dump it on someone else instead (you), when they aren't feeling so superior after all (they need to make sure you never feel anything but inferior, so they dump that on you too to make themselves feel they are still in a superior position somewhere in your life). If they need any service that they find too degrading to perform, they give that to you to do too. In other words, they feel absolutely entitled to have a scapegoat, and you're so good at taking the crap (or so they think), so they retaliate with even more punishments because you've walked away (and refused them that role they thought they had for life - "How dare you!!!! So ungrateful!!!!").
   Again, they don't care about you, or your symptoms, or what you lived through - they only want you back in that role. So they either punish you for leaving, which makes you back off more (usually), or they sweet talk you back.
   However, the only reason they want you back is to put you into that role again, but with even more entrapments to keep you from leaving the role again. - that link shows you all of the tricks they use to get you to comply with the role before they slam you with traps, and more punishments, to keep you from leaving again.  
   Warning: going back into a scapegoat role is so much worse the second time around. I cannot emphasize that enough. Some narcissists turn sociopathic to keep their scapegoats from running away again. Abuse is highly likely to escalate no matter what. 

* Witholding affection and support
   Why is witholding affection and support to a scapegoat child or scapegoat adult child considered to be a punishment? Here is what that link reveals:
   * Humans are wired for connection, and denying love and affection causes pain.
   * It ultimately makes a child and adult child feel unsafe, alone and unwanted. 
   * It denies basic needs: children need love and care 
   * It creates deep fears of being left alone or abandoned
   * Retreating is likely
   * It can play with a child and adult child's mind: that they are so flawed as to be unlovable
   * It puts power and control totally with the parent, and they use withholding support and affection to get what they, the parent, wants
   * The brain treats emotional rejection like physical pain. There is a high stress factor when a parent withholds affection and support too, meaning that trauma symptoms, both physical and mental, are very likely to appear. Again, I've listed two of the big ones under "the silent treatment" above, and it's the same for this brand of punishment just as it is for others. 
   Withholding affection and support from a scapegoat is child abuse. That link says that it falls under the legal and clinical definitions of child maltreatment and abuse in most jurisdictions. 
   While withholding affection and support can be more confusing than say, the silent treatment, especially if there is a cycle of withholding and then giving you affection and support when you're performing to a "perfection standard" they've made, it still registers in the mind of any child that has lived through this set of standards into teen years and adulthood as "unsafe". 
   Again, being smacked with trauma symptoms and stress hormones is going to mean that you'll feel uneasy and sick in their presence, as well as when you constantly or intermittently receive this kind of treatment. You are also likely to think that this is not your tribe, especially if no one in your family cares about your feelings or well-being.
   You're going to feel like an outsider, especially if you are a scapegoat to your parent, and you've been diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD. Actually, all scapegoats feel like outsiders of their family, but they feel even more like outsiders if they receive less affection and support than their siblings. The silver lining in this is that they have less of a hard time leaving their family than, say, the golden child, who can experience life without the family as even more traumatizing. 
   So what message does it send to a scapegoat adult child to grow up without support and love from a parent, or with intermittent support and love?
   Using the parent's possible voice:
   "You aren't important to me", "I don't feel like giving you affection or care" or "I don't feel like giving you affection or care. Maybe if you do something for me, I might care", "I don't care what you are going through when I treat you this way; your feelings don't matter to me at all", "I decide how I'm going to treat you and you can't do anything about it because I'm in charge" (actually, the law is in charge, but many narcissists ignore laws or don't feel it applies to them), "I don't feel connected to you, or affectionate towards you, and I don't love you, so I'm not going to force myself to consider you", "I don't need to support you. I decide who I'm going to support." 
   What do scapegoat children conclude after a childhood of being treated this way? Here are some common thoughts:
   "I'm not important to them. They don't support me or give me affection. I'm pretty much invisible", "They could care less about how this affects me", "Since I'm invisible to them, I can leave and they will hardly notice", "I don't belong in this tribe of theirs. I'd be the first one they wouldn't defend or care about if I was attacked, or we were all attacked". It's not much different than the thoughts scapegoats have when given the silent treatment, though I would consider the silent treatment to be a more extreme message than not giving affection or support, especially if the silence goes on for weeks, months or years. 
   Note: some narcissistic parents do "double trouble" by showering a golden child with lots of affection and support, while ignoring, withholding affection, and never supporting their scapegoat child. So the message a scapegoat child can receive from this treatment is going to be: "the golden child matters to them and I don't", "I don't belong because they are happy together, and my parent and I don't have that kind of happiness with each other".
   This may be more traumatic too, because you see that the parent is capable of affection and support because they are giving it to another child. So then it becomes you being "singled out not to receive it". It is perceived as "being more cruel" too, and cruelty, especially coming from a parent, also shoots cortisol into your system (stomach aches, pounding heart, flight trauma reactions).  
   Again, scapegoating means being the receptacle for your parent's bad behaviors and cruelty. So they often go ballistic (or try to sweet talk you back) if you leave under these circumstances. But why wouldn't you leave?
   Again, they can't begin to comprehend why, as hard as it is to fathom this. It's a brain thing in them and it is why they are so insular and almost exclusively self enamored and self focused in their thinking. 
   So like all of these abuses/punishments, they are an epic fail because narcissists don't look into or care about human behavior or psychology, or even what normal responses are. They don't care what is going on after they use these abuses/punishments either. They are out of touch with your feelings, and if you tell them what you're feeling, they are likely to ignore you, take it as an attack on their character, or tell you that you are too sensitive, the rote responses that all narcissists give (extremely predictable). 

- Financial abuse
   Why is financial abuse considered a punishment?
   Here is what that link reveals:
   * the abuser uses it as a mechanism to punish, restrict and systematically entrap you
   * it often is used to hurt you and your prospects
   * some abusive parents use it to restrict food, clothing, shelter to force compliance with their demands
   * they support you, but then leave you "high and dry" suddenly to create financial panic
   * they give a meager allowance based on compliance with their rules
   * they have been known to rack up "secret debt" in the adult child scapegoat's name, ruining their credit score and future financial independent options
   * it creates "forced dependence" (i.e. they tell you that you can depend on them financially, or that you no longer need to be independent, or that you should give up dreams of "becoming anything worthwhile", or they stop financing your college tuition even when you are a model student, or they won't help you or support you as a child unless they get something from you in return (and if they have the only say of what you will do in return, it is considered coercive control) ... the idea is to sabotage an independent financial future you might want to have. 
   * the main reason it is used is for isolation and entrapment. 
   This is the one punishment they try to make stick to any scapegoat if you've ever rebelled against their punishments, or reacted emotionally, or they've decided you are worthless even if you've done as much for them as you could, or you left over any of their other punishments. And what is that punishment? Taking you out of their Last Will and Testament or leaving you a dollar so that you have to sit in a room with your relatives and hear what they get as compared to what you get - it's the common bullying and humiliating experience that almost all scapegoats go through, and the common narcissistic tactic they do to just about all scapegoat children, so don't be surprised if it happens to you too ... note: new laws may be on the horizon about this, so keep your eyes on new legislation, or if you don't care, don't go to the reading of the Will ... you can also ask that it be sent to you or your lawyer instead. 
   What does financial abuse do to a scapegoat with PTSD?
   What that link reveals:
   * It short-circuits the nervous system's capacity to flee, fight, fawn or to establish any safety. Thus it leaves only the freeze trauma response (and that can have dire consequences for the brain and body).
   * It tends to make victims feel more powerless and helpless than the other kinds of abuses, however, many other types of abuse usually coexist with financial abuse. Financial abuse helps the abuser get away with the other kinds of abuse more easily. 
   * Financial abuse creates panic in the scapegoat, and prolonged feelings of panic can keep the nervous system in high alert. The body and mind can't rest. It shrinks the part of the brain that handles fear control. It keeps the body from REM sleep which keeps the body from healing itself. The body becomes weak from constant stress chemicals. Suffering from lack of sleep, lack of healing, and more stress hormones entering your system, and hurts your ability to think clearly or pay attention. 
   * It can have the effect of destroying your autonomy.
   * Financial abuse tends to act as a continuous stressor without let-up or escape. The body and mind are always on high alert compared to other types of abuse except the silent treatment or a narcissistic discard. Financial abuse can have some intermittency. The inability to be independent or safe signals a primal threat to survival.  Not in the link: So what is a primal threat to survival? It is a "danger to life that triggers hard-wired, instinctive defenses". The message to the child or adult child can be taken to mean: "I don't care about your survival." And this is not something that is just "how the scapegoat feels": the parent really does not care if the child survives. 
   Other messages it can send (using the parent's voice):
   "I don't care what kind of pain you're in. I run the finances and I decide whether you can stay or leave", "If I don't like how you behave, I can withhold food from you too", "I don't care what you're going through. I decide whether you are going to the doctor or not", "I don't care what I'm doing to you financially or to your prospects, or independence, or anything. I call the shots and I don't care if you survive financially or not", "I certainly don't want you financially independent of me. I will sabotage as much as I can in that regard". 
   To a scapegoat child or adult child (using their voice):
   "My parent does not care about my survival", "My parent does not care if I die impoverished", "My parent took me out of the Will to punish me and to make sure I would be financially distressed in my old age", "My parent does not love me to put me through this and deny me my independence at the same time". 
   But again, if the parent is giving loads of gift money and financial support to a golden child, it shows that the parent is not "naturally stingy", so it can translate to: "My parent wants my sibling to survive, but not me". 
   Note: 98 percent of narcissists use financial abuse. 
   One reason why financial abuse of scapegoats is so high is because almost all scapegoats are called crazy and inept. And narcissists have to prove to the people around them that they are and always will be. There are many reasons they are called this, but one reason is to keep the scapegoating and abuse a secret. By calling a scapegoat "too crazy to function", then anything the scapegoat reveals about the abuse will not be taken seriously at all, particularly by the parent's closest family members and peers. It's also a way that narcissists get narcissistic supply from outsiders: "Oh, you poor thing, having a crazy child has to be so hard! Is there anything I can help you so that you aren't so burdened?" - and of course, if the abuse leaks, or the child leaves the parent, they've got plenty of flying monkeys to attack their so-called crazy child: "Why would you ever do that when your parent took such good care of you and helped you financially!? You're such a bad, bad child!" - uh, if a child is that crazy and inept they aren't going to be able to tell you why they do anything, especially why they leave a parent, or even why they go to the bathroom. You wonder why the so-called smarter flying monkeys with PhDs can't figure this out. 
   Brainwashing. "Oh, narcissists are so charming! So much fun to be around!" - yes, in public.
   And narcissists also like to mirror you, your likes and dislikes. Why, they might even pretend to be the best version of yourself.  
   If it looks like a scapegoat has success or has "climbing success", narcissists will feel they have to sabotage it, or try to hide it. What really crazy, inept scapegoat finds unlimited success? If it can't be hidden by the narcissist, you can expect a hoover of the scapegoat by the parent. 
   However, narcissists greatly resent the success of their scapegoat. In their mind, it has to be dismantled and removed by whatever overt or covert means they can dream up that won't scare a scapegoat back into success and "no contact" again, and expose the narcissistic parent's abuse. 
   So, the cycle tends to be "hoover, a honeymoon with praise and gifts (often financial), codependency, back into abusing and scapegoating again". They'll repeat these cycles enough times to get the scapegoat financially trapped. 
   Note: Most scapegoats abandon parents who use financial abuse to entrap them. This makes financial abuse an epic fail. 
   Also note: If you are experiencing financial abuse, you can always go to a domestic violence center to get counseling on how to leave safely, how to keep safe, what to take with you, how to get shelter if you need it, and how to explore legal resources and community resources like job training, student aide, apprenticeships and local housing assistance. 

- Gaslighting and blame-shifting
   If I was writing this list, I would put this in a category of a "horrible manipulation" and would prefer other punishments like blaming (especially when there is scapegoating going on), shaming, triangulation, pitting people against you, bombing out your self esteem, favoritism, and hoovering. I talk about hoovering at the end of the post and why I think it deserves to be in this line-up of punishments. But, to make this more of a "reporting post" than about "what I think", I decided to stick with the original - and what is generally cited. 
   Why would gaslighting and blame-shifting be categorized as abuse? Or a punishment?
   What that link reveals:
   * They are categorized as psychological abuse because they are deliberate manipulation tactics used to gain power and control.
   * They erode trust in a person's own memory and sanity where the narcissist tries to impose their own versions of what happened onto the scapegoat
   * Gaslighting, when believed, can cause you to doubt what you see, hear, or remember - leaving you confused and helpless
   *  Constantly apologizing and second-guessing your reality makes you dependent and cuts you off from other people's support. 
   * People who are successfully gaslighted by a narcissist and the narcissist's enablers often feel isolated, alone and not cared about. 
   Are scapegoats easily gaslighted? Yes, especially if it started in childhood and spans into adulthood. 
   Since the scapegoat role requires that the scapegoat has all blame shifted on to them in every adverse family situation, and because it takes a "distortion of reality" to shift that much blame, scapegoats can doubt their own reality, sanity and perceptions. 
   Sometimes what can stop it is another parent, or another relative who can concur that your facts are right and that the parent is playing with reality to suit themselves, or a therapist who will tel you that gaslighting and blame-shifting are so common among narcissists as to be inevitable. Still, the child is constantly groomed to please the parent, so may pretend to go along with the gaslighting just so the parent does not rage and abuse. This can create a kind of split, where one side of the scapegoat keeps the parent emotionally regulated by not interfering with the parent's perceptions and gaslighting attempts, or even resist the narrative that the scapegoat is "crazy". And then the other side of them, their authentic or true self is shown to the other parent, or a relative, or friend, or anyone who is "safe". In other words, they are complicit in their own demise as a sane, independent and able person just to keep their parent regulated. 
   But does being gaslighted for a scapegoat create the same kinds of trauma symptoms as, say, the silent treatment, being discarded, and being socially outcast? Yes, trauma symptoms can actually exceed these other forms of abuse, especially if the scapegoat believes the narcissist. Children are conditioned to believe parents, so trauma symptoms emerge from this form of abuse too. 
  But what happens when a scapegoat doesn't believe in the parent's gaslighting attempts to alter reality? What that link reveals: The parent escalates their attacks against the scapegoat, doubling down on false narratives, doubling down on frightening rages, and often threatening rejection. Thus the child feels forced to accept delusions and the messing with reality to be acceptable to the parent, and accepted by the parent.
   What scapegoat do you know who comes out and says, especially when they are a child, "I am not really crazy, but I have to pretend to be, so that my parent won't hurt me"? - so it stays hidden and a secret.
   This is what I mean by scapegoats having to practically shapeshift their entire childhoods, i.e. change not only their behavior, but who they are, if they know who they are to begin with - and this is where a narcissistic parent will interfere too: This is a child who, for the parent, gets labeled as "all bad" and "all at fault" and "all crazy" even when it's not true. Trying to shape-shift into that goes against every survival mechanism that exists within the child. Is it any wonder that suicide ideation becomes the inner dialogue of a scapegoat? What that link reveal
   ... "scapegoats face a sharply elevated risk for severe psychological distress, depression, and suicidal ideation. While formal, isolated public health tracking metrics do not categorize victims specifically under the sociological label "scapegoat," extensive clinical research on childhood emotional abuse, chronic invalidation, and family dysfunction links these exact maltreatment dynamics to high rates of self-harm and suicidality ... Clinical observations show a consensus that severe targeted abuse causes children to develop acute suicidal thoughts at very young ages." - from Google AI and taken from professional research articles.  
   Meanwhile the parent remains unchanged, unmoved, with a mind like cement. They rarely change their opinion of their scapegoat child even though there are a lot of changes from being a two year old to being a sixty two year old. That's hard to live with too. 
   Why are gaslighting and blame-shifting epic fails for a narcissistc parent? What that link reveals:
   * Adult children eventually see the truth and the manipulation behind the tactic
   * The toxic habit of gaslighting and blame-shifting means their child won't trust them and eventually won't hear anything they have to say 
   * Emotional distancing is bound to start eventually for any victim of gaslighting. It takes just one slip-up not to trust a parent, and then the distancing starts and continues, until "cut off" becomes the final chapter of their relationship. 
   * Reality checks: partners, friends, some relatives and therapists start to show gaslighting for what it is, and what a healthy relationship looks like instead. 
   * Exposing the power and control games of the narcissist: other people are bound to come forward too, to expose the narcissist's games and manipulations to gain power and control
   * Narcissistic parents often are alone in old age because they traumatized and discarded their scapegoat child too many times, or played so many manipulations on them (including mandatory-type you-better-believe-me-or-else! gaslighting strategies). Because narcissists are inherently traumatizing, and adopt new scapegoats when the original leaves, their children can't deal with them any more, and experience too many symptoms besides, if they are in their parent's company. 
   * Narcissists can also be left with a broken family, some who are still loyal to them and others who have pulled away. This is especially true if the narcissist is wealthy. 
   * Sometimes narcissists have a narcissistic collapse where most people have zero respect or tolerance for them (including their gaslighting strategies).
   Any way you look at it, continual gaslighting is bound to fail. No relationship with a parent is worth it if you have to appear crazy so that your parent can get away with abusing you, or giving you an absurd amount of faults and punishments.  
   
- Smear campaigns
   Why are smear campaigns a sign of punishment of a scapegoat child or adult child?
   Here is what that link reveals:
   * Smear campaigns are distorted truths or outright lies to spread bad stories about their scapegoat child to others who are positioned to believe them 
   * They do it to hurt the child or adult child and to ruin their child's reputation while attempting to keep their own reputation intact and appearing "superior" and "perfect" in comparison to their child. (my note: narcissists are usually in competition with their own children). 
   * They also do it to punish truth-telling, twisting the truth to be a lie, and to punish the child who is not going along with the lie or who is straying from the narrative that their parent is "perfect". If the scapegoat tries to "right the narrative to the truth" in front of people the parent considers to be essential narcissistic supply, the scapegoat will usually be harshly punished later on (my note: this is gaslighting). 
   * They also do it to shift the blame. The parent shifts the blame so that they look like the victim. 
   * They do it to control the group: The parent turns family members or friends against the scapegoat to isolate them from social connections, belonging, affection and warmth. 
   Ways it hurts the scapegoat:
   * Loss of support: Some friends and family pull away because they believe the false stories
   * Deep pain: Being lied about by a parent causes heavy stress and emotional hurt.
   * Forced ostracism: The victim often has to cut ties with the whole family or a friendship circle to be safe and to heal.
   What do smear campaigns do to a scapegoat child or adult child? What that link reveals is that it can destroy the scapegoat's self worth (my note: especially if they are gaslighted and believe in the gaslighting narratives that drive the parent's smear campaigns). It can also socially isolate them from family members, friends and others who might otherwise want a connection with the scapegoat child. It invites other family members to look at the child as crazy, bad and lying too. In other words, it can be like living with enemies who care nothing about you or your fate in a full time mode, and for a child it can cause deep emotional pain. 
   How about if the scapegoat has PTSD? - which is likely, since narcissists don't just use one form of abuse, but most of these in tandem. Actually, it is more common for scapegoats to have CPTSD, but that is more of a European diagnosis than an American one.
   Anyway, for scapegoats with PTSD, smear campaigns trigger intense trauma responses. The constant attacks by the narcissist isolate the victim from help and healing.
   Here is what the link reveals:
   * Triggers severe anxiety and panic attacks
   * Increases depression and hopelessness
   * Causes intense hypervigilance and a fear of others 
   * Deepens the core wounds of PTSD
   * Healing seems impossible 
   The social and personal damages:
   * Cuts the victim off from family and friends
   * Destroys safety from abuse and support networks
   * Creates intense loneliness and isolation which can cause deep lasting pain
   * Constantly forces the victim to either defend their name or to go along with the parent's smear campaign narratives to avoid further abuse
   Impact on healing:
   * Re-traumatizes the scapegoat constantly as there are usually very few people who will come to the scapegoat's defense
   * Can cause deep distrust of other groups of people
   * Delays recovery and deepens PTSD because the nervous system is constantly in survival mode.
   Can smear campaigns cause as many trauma symptoms as the silent treatment and gaslighting? Yes, the symptoms match the severity of the other forms of abuse. 
   Can smear campaigns drive someone with PTSD to suicide? Yes. 
   Here is what the link reveals:
   * A smear campaign can act as a catastrophic psychological crises that pushes someone with PTSD toward suicide ideation or suicide. The deliberate destruction of a person's reputation, combined with pre-existing trauma vulnerabilities, creates an intense emergency. (my note: we know teenagers commit suicide all of the time over smear campaigns and social rejection by groups of people. It is not that different for a child or adult to go the same route. While people who destroy the reputation of others can be sued successfully by a victim's loved ones, it's a little more difficult to sue a parent of a scapegoat in the present day (it may be easier in the future as Millenials and Gen Z become law makers -  these are generations who normalized becoming estranged from a parent for mental health reasons).
   If you want your scapegoated partner to heal from their parent's abuse and smear campaigns, suggesting breaking the trauma bond, and a lot of therapy may be what is most important to protect the scapegoat from any more trauma, and stopping the abuse for good.  
   Warning signs of an impending emergency: 
     * Expressing feelings of hopelessness, entrapment, or having "no way out."
     * Sudden shifts toward extreme social withdrawal or saying goodbye to loved ones.
     * Drastic changes in mood or sleep
     * Giving away possessions
     * Sudden withdrawal from all family and friends
     * Self seclusion
     * unrelenting trauma symptoms like on-going headaches, stomach aches and nausea, heart pain or racing heart, muscle tension and spasms, tremors, high alertness and panic, pacing
     * Co-ordinated group exclusion of the scapegoat: The scapegoat is caught in a constant state of sadness or grief.  
     * Intense emotional dysregulation, panic, or severe depressive drops tied to ongoing harassment. 
   Some resources:
     * Smear Campaigns and How to Overcome Them. Smear campaigns involve manipulation, and are often a behavior of narcissists. - by Karen Stollznow Ph.D., and reviewed by Tyler Woods, for Psychology Today
     * The Relationship Between PTSD and Suicide - by William Hudenko, PhD, Beeta Homaifar, PhD, and Hal Wortzel, MD for PTSD: National Center for PTSD, U.S Department of Veteran's Affairs
     * Suicide risk in people with post-traumatic stress disorder: A cohort study of 3.1 million people in Sweden - by Verity Fox, Christina Dalman, Henrik Dal, Anna-Clara Hollander, James B Kirkbride, and Alexandra Pitman, for Pub Med (National Library of Medicine)
     * Surprising Truths About Smear Campaigns: Structure, Membership, Dynamics - by Professor Sam Vaknin (You Tube)  
     * Are smear campaigns large scale gaslighting? - by Dr. Ramani Durvasula (You Tube)
   Do most scapegoats leave the narcissist and the enabling family over smear campaigns about them? Yes, usually out of safety concerns, and because smear campaigns cause initial deep pain and feelings of being betrayed. For most scapegoats, peace means more than trying to fix relationships (my comment: it is pointless to try to change things with unchangeable narcissists anyway).
   A possible internalized narrative of the scapegoat's feelings about their narcissistic parent's smear campaigns:
"They planned this evil maneuver. How stupid of me to believe they cared or loved me at all", "They don't care that this looks like a huge betrayal", "They must not want me to have a family. How cruel", "They must want me to believe in the lies that are part of these smear campaigns. How evil", "They must not want me in their life and as part of the family if this is how they treat me", "Why are all of their flying monkeys giving me grief? Are they that susceptible to brainwashing?" "No one who does this kind of thing cares about the person on the receiving end of the smear campaign, or the people they tell these lies to. They must want to throw all of their relationships away. If I was their friend and lied to like that, I'd never want to be around them at all", "How debased to spread lies. They must want to hide a lot of stuff." - in other words, disgust can take over after grief subsides. 
   How narcissists epically fail at smear campaigns of their scapegoat children: 
   * Most adults eventually see through the lies, posturing, and negativity the parent keeps giving the scapegoat child or adult child, even when the scapegoat is long gone. 
   * The scapegoat often heals, sets firm boundaries, and builds a strong support system outside their family, and others notice. 
   * Showing a lack of credibility: People notice the narcissist acts dramatic and is cruel. 
   * Facts expose the lies over time
   * The independent life of the scapegoat: the adult child builds a safe life and does not make contact or bother the narcissist about anything and the group notices
   * Friends and family get tired of being drawn in to the narcissist's angry and cruel agendas
   * The lies no longer matter to the scapegoat because they've built a community of mutual love and support and the group notices
   * The scapegoat maintains "no contact" for years or decades, stopping the constant drama, even if the narcissist tries to keep it going with the family or friends who are left. 
   * Most people are much nicer, more concerned, more caring than narcissistic parents are, even when they aren't related, so scapegoats can and often find these kinds of people and they stop thinking about the parent and the group notices
   * Narcissists feel they need a new scapegoat, so the smear campaigns start again for the new person, and they sound just like the same grievances as the last scapegoat, raising suspicions
   * Smear campaigns often cause permanent estrangement with a child and most people know it

- targeting what you love. 
   Why is targeting what you love considered to be a punishment?
   What that link reveals:
   * Targeting what you love is a punishment because it weaponizes your deepest joys and values against you
   * When a system or person attacks or takes away the thing you care about most, the emotional pain hurts much more than a random or neutral loss. 
   * The psychology of targeted loss: There are higher emotional stakes as you invest more care and hope into the things you love. Your favorite things define a large part of your identity. Cruel people and systems use this bond to cause the highest amount of grief.
   * Some examples: Bad actors threaten your family or pets to force compliance. Authorities restrict an artist's ability to paint, write, or perform. Taking away a hobby or a passion breaks a person's spirit. Stealing a person's coat means they can't survive in the cold very long. Destroying a person's memorabilia disrespects their past and familial belonging and is generally painful. Taking away someone's shoes is a form of entrapment. 
   Do narcissists target what you love? - that link says, yes, often. What some of the rest of the link says:
   * In the beginning they mirror your likes, your interests and hobbies to draw you into a relationship, and then they resent them eventually. 
Why and how?
How:
   * They start making small, negative comments about the things or people you care about.
   * They may pick fights with your close friends or family members to pull you away from your support system.
   * They might mock your career, creative outlets, or personal goals. 
   * They demand that all time and energy be re-directed toward them and their needs, treating your personal joys as a threat to their control.
Why:
   * To a narcissist, anything you love that is not them represents competition for your attention.
   * By destroying or devaluing the things that bring you joy or confidence, they make you more dependent on them for validation.
   * Controlling what you love allows them to control your emotional state.
What effect does taking what a scapegoat loves away? Here is what that link reveals:
   * "When a toxic system or abuser takes away what a scapegoat loves—such as a cherished relationship, a prized possession, an opportunity, or peace of mind—it usually triggers profound emotional devastation, but it can also catalyze ultimate detachment, righteous anger, and permanent emotional independence." - a Google AI quote. 
   * With grief and despair, the scapegoat experiences heartbreak, feeling targeted, helpless, and profoundly punished for simply having a normal life and attachment to things and people: interests, hobbies, relationships outside the one with the parent, ambitions, a career (or the making of one). 
   * The punishment is perceived as a sabotage of not just the things and relationships that define the scapegoat as a separate individual, but directly plays into the false narrative that they do not deserve happiness or nice things. 
   * Being punished in this way creates hypervigilance and anxiety where the scapegoat realizes that the abuser will weaponize or destroy what they love to control them. 
What if the scapegoat has PTSD, what then? Here is what that link reveals:
   * It deepens the PTSD
   * It triggers emotional pain
   * It deepens trauma responses and helplessness
   * It destroys trust in the parent
   * Losing a valued item, interest or friend creates deep sadness. The victim may feel trapped with no way out.
   * It heightens stress and hypervigilance (the scapegoat stays on high alert, certain there are more attacks to come with sudden losses. 
The impact on the relationship:
   * Home or being around the narcissistic parent feels like a war zone with weapons at the parent's disposal. 
   * Taking, stealing or destroying cherished items, destroying or meddling in the scapegoat's relationships, taking away hobbies, sabotaging work or careers, keeps the scapegoat's nervous system in constant survival mode, as if they are starting over again, and again without relief. (my note: a lot of scapegoats leave their parents over this as these things and their cherished relationships are part of what makes the scapegoat separate from the parent in identity and everyone else. Not many scapegoats can tolerate this particular brand of punishment. In childhood, it can force them to adopt a new interest, until that is taken away too, and then another interest, until that is, again, taken away or destroyed. Scapegoats tend to take this very, very personally, as if it is an attack on self, not just things outside themselves. Some scapegoats say they felt incredibly scattered when they reached adulthood, that they had too many interests than seems healthy, and didn't know which direction to pursue - this may be why). 
   Here is a possible internal narrative of the scapegoat:
   "My parent doesn't want me to have things, let alone nice things", "My parent doesn't want me to have interests", "My parent doesn't want me to have hobbies or a career", "My parent doesn't want me to have friends", "My parent doesn't want me to be me", "My parent doesn't care about my things or how their actions affect me. If I treated their things the way they treat my things even just once, they would sob like a victim, but I'm supposed to be sabotaged without emotion? Something is not right about this picture and with them", "If they want to destroy everything I'm about and everything I love, they must not want me around, and I feel really unsafe around them anyway. I'll do us both a favor and leave." 
   How a parent's punishment of sabotaging a scapegoat's relationships, cherished possessions, hobbies and work epically fails:
   * When a parent tries to ruin a scapegoated child’s life by attacking their relationships, things, hobbies, and work, it ultimately backfires because the child loses all trust and interest in the parent. 
   * The scapegoat builds a strong and independent life away from the parent, and the toxic family dynamic becomes clear to many people inside and outside the family. 
   * Growing up in a toxic home helps the child spot fake people and stay away from bad relationships.
   * The adult child usually cuts off contact with the sabotaging parent to keep their new partner, children and friends safe from the same kinds of treatment. 
   * Losing old items pushes the scapegoat to try new hobbies which can provide them with new abilities
   * Overcoming loss usually makes the scapegoat brave, creative and able to handle diverse occupations and interests.
   * When the parent breaks or throws away personal items, other family members see how cruel the parent is.
   * Interference with types of work in childhood can make them super-focused, a hard worker and protective of their career from further sabotage. 
   * The scapegoat learns to keep their private life, career and goals to themselves
   * The parent usually ends up without a relationship with this particular child
   * While the narcissist was fixated on controlling the outcome of the scapegoat (my comment: by keeping them in the role of scapegoat by sabotaging everything else), the scapegoat became focused on freedom, peace and a life free from abuse (and usually achieves it) after living with this particular kind of punishment

- raging and threatening
Why is a parent raging at and threatening a scapegoat child or adult child considered a form of punishment? Here is what that link reveals:
   * It is a form of punishment because it uses fear, anger, and emotional abuse
   * The scapegoat is treated like a bad person to force them to obey and hide the family's real problems.
   * The parent blames the scapegoat for every family fight or bad mood. This makes the scapegoat role a form of punishment. 
   * Raging, screaming loudly in anger, and threats scare the scapegoat. The rage is often expressed to keep the scapegoat quiet, in a panic, and doing what the parent wants. 
   * The parent tries to make the scapegoat appear bad, including deserving of anger, threats and abuse.
   * The silent treatment can be a form of "silent rage", "silent threats", "ignoring you on purpose", or if you are an underage child, "neglecting you on purpose". Maybe they hope you'll have some "desire for attention" eventually so that the attention they give you will be planned out: incensed remarks about your "utter failure as a child", more abuse, playing the victim and crying about how they were treated, or love bombing. It's bound to be the usual tactics that all narcissists use. Sometimes the parent wants to force a scapegoat to apologize for actions, thoughts, feelings and perceptions that they do not have or experience (my note: this is a form of invalidation and perspecicide, another narcissistic trait).
What do adult scapegoats go through when their parent is threatening them and raging at them? Here is what that link reveals:
   * The scapegoat will usually experience intense emotional abuse from being raged at and threatened. 
   * They generally also experience severe anxiety, hypervigilance, emotional exhaustion, and sometimes self doubt.
   * It triggers deep fear and tends to reactivate childhood trauma
   * They "walk on eggshells", fearing the next angry outburst
   * They may feel responsible for the parent's anger even when they did nothing wrong
   * Most of the time there is a fight-or-flight trauma reaction in the scapegoat: racing heart, tight muscles, and a rush of stress hormones
   * The chronic stress often leads to exhaustion and withdrawal from the parent. 
   * Physical pain: They often suffer from tension headaches, gastrointestinal issues, and trouble sleeping
Coping and Survival Strategies: 
   * Fawning: They try to appease the parent to keep the peace and stay safe.
   * Dissociation: They mentally check out or numb their feelings to survive the abuse.
   * Isolation: They pull away from others because they feel ashamed or misunderstood.
   * Going no-contact: Many eventually cut ties to protect their mental health and safety.
What about for scapegoats with PTSD? Here is what that link reveals:
   * They experience a severe trauma response.
   * They can feel fight-or-flight trauma symptoms or intense fear, panic and emotional numbness.
   * The heart usually beats fast.
   * The muscles usually lock up. 
   * The mind can feel blank, or filled up with loud thoughts, or be full of foggy out-of-focus, disjointed thoughts. 
   * Flashbacks of past abuses usually take over the mind at some point where the ability to listen goes off-line
   * Shame and guilt with panic can also flood the thoughts even when they did nothing wrong
   Emotional struggles
   * Deep dread and anxiety set in.
   * A heavy sense of helplessness and withdrawal usually set in
   * Anger can arise but usually stays trapped inside. 
   * Grief can feel like a punch over the realization they never had a safe parent.
   Defense and survival actions:
   * Freezing or fawning to stay safe, or fleeing as fast as possible, or involuntarily shutting down feelings
Some possible thoughts of what scapegoats go through:
   "I wish they'd stop raging; it hurts my head", "Why do they think this is productive at these decibels? I can't hear them!", "Why do they always resort to this? I just don't want this any more", "Why am I the nervous wreck after these sessions, while they are all calm and satisfied? They feel satisfied after raging and threatening? What's that all about?", "Why are they screaming when they won't even let me get my own thoughts together enough to respond", "Maybe I should just stop talking about anything. They don't understand anything anyway", "I wish I'd just take the final cue from this and never go through this again. I've lived with enough rage and threats for a hundred lifetimes!", talking to self: "Just be brave and leave. It would probably do everyone the most good."
Why a parent using rage and threats as a punishment of a scapegoat turns out to be an epic fail. What that link reveals:
   * "Using rage and threats to punish a scapegoated child fails because it destroys trust, models toxic behavior, causes deep emotional trauma, and fractures family bonds. Instead of teaching accountability, this abusive approach forces the child into survival mode, ruins their self-esteem, and ensures they will distance themselves permanently as adults." - direct quote from Google AI. 
   * The scapegoat learns the parent isn't safe, loses respect for the parent, and feels fear of the parent instead. 
   * Doesn't teach any lessons: Rage triggers a defense response, stopping the brain from learning or processing right from wrong.
   * Models Toxic Coping: Some children will learn that screaming and bullying are acceptable ways to handle stress and anger, and the scapegoat, and they will go after the same scapegoat and other peers in the same way the parent did, creating a more toxic environment that requires the scapegoat to flee if they are ever going to live a life without abuse.
   * "Destroys the Parent-Child Bond: Constant hostility breaks all trust, ensuring the child feels no loyalty or love for the parent later" - direct quote from Google AI 
   * "Drives permanent estrangement: Once grown and independent, the scapegoat usually cuts ties completely to protect their own mental health." - direct quote from Google AI
   A resources for this section:
   How Narcissistic Parents Pick Their Scapegoat (And It's Never Random) - by Kerry McAvoy, PhD (You Tube)
   Narcissistic Family: 12 Toxic "Rules" That Don't Exist in Healthy Homes - by Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC (You Tube) 
   
Note:

There are other types of punishments that narcissists indulge in when they want to hurt their scapegoat children, but these are the ones listed in the initial article.

Hoovering (a fake make-up) can be just as traumatic, and probably even more so, than say, a discard or silent treatment. Granted it will be more traumatic to be hoovered in by a malignant narcissist, but in the end all narcissists get to a "punishing stage" after they've successfully hoovered.

After writing this post and looking into articles, it's so obvious that the destruction of the scapegoat is so egregious that a hoover is a kind of "finishing off" of the destruction. Unless a scapegoat can get SSI disability income for the deepening PTSD symptoms that come after the hoovering has turned into more severe forms of scapegoating and deeper punishments, isolation and, for the victim, another necessary "no contact" exit, I really can't see how most scapegoats can survive another round of being scapegoated without significant damage and disability. Not to make light of a discard, but sometimes narcissists do better by their scapegoats by discarding them for good than hoovering them back with fake intentions and more nightmare situations. 

Also:
This post was written about the more common run-of-the-mill narcissists (the grandiose and covert sub-types that are most often encountered), so if the scapegoat is dealing with a malignant narcissist, it's obviously going to be so much worse, with quite a few more punishments, with trauma symptoms that are incredibly disabling, with more physical diseases manifesting either during or afterward. Emotional abuse takes a huge toll on the body even if they never touch you. But malignant narcissists are more likely to touch you, and not in good ways. 

Also, let's take the family into consideration too. Most narcissists encourage other family members to scapegoat you too. And sometimes those other family members are narcissists too and have a weaker connection to you, so they can treat you much worse than the narcissistic parent. Sometimes the flying monkey is a malignant narcissist (and gets that way because he or she was encouraged by the parent to bully you). Sometimes you are dealing with a parent's abuse, sibling abuse, the abuse of a step-parent and step-sibling all at once. - that link says this is an extreme form of complex trauma, and emphasizes the necessity of calling emergency services or a crisis hotline right away. 

While living without a family, and what ever little help, comfort, care, belonging, promise of an inheritance they give you (usually a fake promise), is incredibly challenging. I do think, however, that dealing with a hoover and deepening PTSD and more abuse is exponentially more challenging. There really is no rainbow at the end of the tunnel when you are hoovered. It's a devastating knife-in-the-back experience.  

Some scapegoats and domestic violence survivors desperately want a hoover just to know that the narcissist didn't just throw them out like a piece of trash and never thought about them again, or cared what they felt, that they want to be at least "acknowledged", or "slightly missed" or "that they've changed a little" from losing you.

But when you take into account that narcissists are only in relationships for power, control, domination and narcissistic supply, and only see you in terms of these desires, they never miss "you" as you are or were. They miss what you provided for them in this way.  So, let's put it this way:

They might miss either the positive or negative narcissistic supply they received from you or your emotions. If they miss the negative narcissistic supply they got from you (tears, fears, defenses, anxiety, rattled nerves, trauma symptoms, freeze responses, labeling all of your emotions as crazy, which is what they tend to get out of scapegoats), what good is that? And not only that, but the negative narcissistic supply they want from you is going to be in tandem with not caring at all about how you feel, and not caring how any of this effects you. What could possibly go wrong??? - said facetiously, of course.

Personally, I think since scapegoats get high PTSD symptoms and high amounts of trauma reactions from growing up in a narcissistic family that oten last until adulthood or far beyond, and since they often have high ACE scores as well, and since narcissists generally don't feel good unless their scapegoat feels really bad, and since scapegoats take a very long time to heal from this kind of childhood, they've served their time and several more lifetimes as the tortured scapegoat. 

For me personally? I don't care if I was their positive or negative supply in the past, or whether they are low on either kinds of supply, or whether they are high as a kite on a million sources of narcissistic supply now. All that I know is that I don't want to be anyone's narcissistic supply. I don't want to be their golden girl or their scapegoat girl or someone to admire or despise, or someone in-between. I want "out" of the whole d&%# narcissistic supply food chain! 

Their seeing you or me or anyone as narcissistic supply is never going to change: we only have to look at the fact that most narcissistic parents see you as a scapegoat before the age of 4 (age 2 being the mid-point, and probably the most likely age when they begin scapegoating only because two-year olds are exceptionally challenging for narcissists). And guess what? They still see you in the same way at the age of 65. For narcissistic parents, you are their scapegoat for life as long as you put up with it. If that has never changed, it will never change. I'm pretty convinced their minds resemble cement. There isn't much room for change there, including any noticeable change of perspective. 

Maybe it's not their fault that their minds resemble cement, but I don't want to get stuck in any part of that cement again. 

In terms of them having power, control and domination over you, or me, or any scapegoat, again? Perhaps we'd be a little nuts to miss that, knowing what they did with the power, control and domination in the first place. I don't want to be anyone's ladder step to more power, control and domination, or less of it. I want to be off of that ladder completely. Let them find their hierarchies, sycophants, or enemies "of hierarchical advantages" somewhere else. 

Besides being cement-adverse, I also find myself thinking how superficial to only be looked at that way. Maybe they can't help that either. But what adult child needs a poison relationship like that with a parent, and what parent needs to have this kind of blind, senselessly vicious relationship with a child or adult child? Maybe they can't help it, that only power, control and narcissistic supply is all that is in their brains. Again, the superficiality of only wanting narcissistic supply and power over a child and adult child, in addition to gauging whether they'll gain or lose power over knowing me, or us, or anyone, is not of my concern. I want "out" of being either "the awarding sycophant" or "the un-rewarding great disappointment" in terms of whether they lost or gained power. I don't care whether they are gaining enough power to run for president, or whether they're losing power altogether and sleeping in a bunker every night like Saddam Hussein did, or even what they are doing these days to maintain it. I just want "out" of the whole political game of it.

I would prefer to be part of the healing community; they can have the type of political crowd that smears each other's reputations to win popularity. 

I don't think narcissists and scapegoats are compatible at all since narcissists usually become exceptionally disappointed in their scapegoat children, and scapegoats feel incredibly sick, out of sorts, head-achy, stomach-achy, exhausted, super anxious and unsafe dealing with narcissists. Most scapegoats also want very different things from relationships than narcissists too such as unadulterated love (free of power struggles, rages or competition), as well joyous shared experiences, safe enlightening conversations and communications (without lectures and authoritarianism) - that won't ever happen with a narcissist, and narcissists will never be satisfied with their scapegoats either.

There are two posts coming with information that I think may be even more helpful sources of information in terms of making decisions about narcissists. One part of this information tackles Jekyll/Hyde behaviors more deeply than the post I've written before, and another tackles intermittent reinforcement. Both have so much to do with hoovering, and why it can turn out to be so punishing and traumatic for the victim. But for now, I've written enough. 

Another note: one reason I wrote this post is because when I get close to publishing the post on hoovering, I want to be able to link to this post since hoovering, as I've already hinted at before, is really just another punishment in disguise. And the disguise is often expertly acted and premeditated. 

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