Do Most Narcissists Think They Are Really Victims When They Use the DARVO Tactic? Comes With an Introduction to the Shame-Rage Spiral

In order to understand what this post is about, I invite you to get acquainted with what the DARVO tactic is through this link. The short version is that it is a type of blame shifting, but the narcissist reverses the victim and offender so that you are cast in their eyes as the perpetrator and they, the victim. It's also a distortion of reality in that they want to be seen as the victim (when they are not), and want to see you as the perpetrator (when you are not). 

It is attributed to people in the Cluster B spectrum of disorders as a common manipulative tactic. 

So do most narcissists actually feel like a victim when they DARVO? The answer, on the whole is yes. And it may not necessarily be a manipulative tactic to deny reality. You can decide from reading this post. The research is surprising.

There are also a lot of nuances in the answers about this. 

Let me explain it for this day and age:

It's the opinions of victims of narcissistic abuse in forums that narcissists feel like victims when they use a DARVO tactic, though the root of the narcissist's feeling is psychological self protection and a defense than an outright objective reality for them. In other words, they react as if they are incensed that they would ever have to take accountability for any hurt or wrong they commit towards others. 

But can victims of narcissistic abuse really tell what is going on inside a narcissist's brain? I don't think so. 

Then there are the professionals and research studies which should help answer this question with a lot more authority.

But what did they find? 

It was mixed. And it was in the context of interviews. 

So I'll share a few and tell you why I numbered them at the end of the post, and also tell you why I think a post like this is important. 

1. Some people who were diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder said that they talked themselves into being victimized.

2. Some of them said they "may have provoked" another person, but forgot how they did it, and all of the details of the conversation, and then were only aware of "the terrible responses" that they received afterwards which always seemed out of proportion, too strong, too emotional, and therefor unjust. 

3. Some said they always feel like a victim in relationships they are in. They said they never got the feeling that the other person was on the victimized end of conflicts. They described what they were going through as an unbearable pain. 

4. Others said they mostly felt like a victim too, but that they were aware that they "might have provoked it" by criticizing another person, or going into a rage they said they couldn't control, or being toxic in general. They down-played it as "not being that important", that these emotional outbursts they do are forgivable because they are good people, and that people want to be close to them because they are superior, generous, successful, good looking. After they provoked the other person and got a reaction that they didn't like at all (such the other person pulling away), they said that the reaction caused an enormous amount of pain, panic and feelings of worthlessness. But the fact that they felt worthless made them feel angry because they didn't feel they deserved to feel that worthless, that the other person must have "made them feel worthless on purpose" and that the person  needed to see that they were a lot better than worthless, even perhaps, the best person they'd ever had in their lives, that no one else could measure up. So as the anger grew, the feelings of being treated unfairly grew, and they sought some sort of revenge, or some sort of audacious response like "How dare you make me feel this way!" Sometimes they felt like they couldn't confront the other person because it might make them look bad to others in their group, and pulled away themselves, convinced they never wanted a relationship with someone so stupid in their lives. 

5. Some said they always know the DARVO tactic is a manipulation and a defense, but often one that is impulsive and full of deeply uncomfortable, uncontrollable anger and too many negative emotions to deal with. They said they didn't know how to cope with the strong emotions, and to relieve the flood of emotions that they knew they didn't deserve, they felt sure it had to be someone else's fault, otherwise they wouldn't feel so bad. 

6. Some said they were perfectly aware that they were not victims, but couldn't stand to be accountable for anything. They said that accountability was not in their lexicon, and rarely a good idea to admit, that accountability was for suckers, losers and put a person in a lower status, i.e. "not winning". It might mean they'd lose their status to admit anything like that.
   They might lose the victim, but before the specter of losing them seemed like a big possibility, they would try to talk the victim into being accountable again because they were great at talking people into things. It makes them feel powerful that they can convince people.
   They also used the opportunity to convince many others too that they were the true victim so that if an opportunity arose, they would have the backing of so many believers and that most victims cannot fight off a whole army that put them first before the victim.
   Also when others believed them, the reaction of belief gave them the same belief as the group had, and the true right to claim they were the one and only victim. They'd make it clear to the victim that they had a lot of backing and that they'd be foolish to challenge them.
   If the victim could be talked into it too, then "problem solved!".
   If they couldn't convince the victim or other people, they felt completely helpless and powerless, and that the only way to relieve it was to try again and again to make the victim accountable. If they still got push-back, they'd refuse to even acknowledge the victim to teach them a lesson. 

7. Others said they used the DARVO tactic as a manipulation and defense because "others always used it too", so they felt they had a right to use it too, and because they were always smarter, because they "won" the conflict almost all of the time; i.e. they "got their own way", it was okay to use it.
   If they didn't "get their own way", it could cause pain, but they'd get angry and the pain would go away.
   They felt enraged that the other person was trying to persecute them into believing things they didn't want to believe about themselves. 
   Why angry? Because they assume they are superior to other people at most times, but then if they are getting criticized instead, or when someone else is hurt, angry or accuses them of something, it seems like a mere fantasy they, and the victim has dreamt up.
   If they start to question their own opinions and feelings that they may not be so superior after all to everyone else, their self esteem takes a huge nose-dive to the point where they feel "they are nothing, nothing special, nothing of note." In some narcissists it produces suicidal feelings - it's what a narcissistic collapse can be all about.
   They blame themselves, and the world, and especially people they are close to for letting them think that they are great when maybe it isn't true.
   It makes them so extremely enraged, in fact, that they feel it is necessary to lash out and give others a taste of the medicine they are feeling - which means making another person feel bad about themselves, and feel invisible to them, accusing them, giving them a sense of what having a terrible self esteem is, what having absolutely no power and ability to sway opinions feels like, retaliating in the way they feel retaliated against. The only thing is that they keep doing it until the other person gives in, or leaves, not realizing that it is destroying their relationships.
   In those instances, they sometimes feel they have to DARVO again so that they feel "they are not, and never will be, at fault, or that powerless again" and will always gain superiority over the person or people again. In other words, the DARVO tactic is used mainly to gain superiority, and to feel "righteous" in their feelings of superiority.
   If they can convince others it is always the victim's fault, the intense anger goes away. If not, the feelings of shame are intolerable for them and often the shame turns into extreme forms of anger in the blink of an eye. They become full of resentment and even vengeance they feel they cannot control, especially if the other person does not accept the fault. 
   If they get to a point where they feel they cannot talk other people into being the true victim, and the victim refuses to believe it too, they get both severely depressed and uncontrollably angry that they want to hurt people.
   But before they take action on that, they tell themselves over and over again "that the person doesn't mean anything to them and never did, that they are horrible for making them feel that bad, and that some day they'll get theirs!"
   Then they ruminate on the best way to "make them disappear" from their life, and this is where discards and the silent treatment comes in. They hope the victim will realize they need to be at fault or the relationship will not continue 
   For malignant narcissists, that vengeance often turns into violence, sabotage, sadism and other crimes. 

8. For the narcissists who most always see themselves as victims in a conflict, for some of them, they don't even understand why others do not want to be controlled by them. They feel they are superior, with a superior brain, with superior looks and social charm, a superior social standing, superior enlightened perspectives, superior at getting people to do what they want, while you and everyone else, as they see it, and believe it, is to varying degrees inept, stupid, crazy and not "quite good enough", to the point of "Why wouldn't you want to be controlled by someone who is superior to you?"
   The way they'd word it is: "You should feel honored that I'd want to take care of you! You should be honored that someone with a superior brain would even be interested you! You should be honored that someone who is a lot more together than you are would want to be with you and to help you out!"
   (My note on this kind of narcissist: we know that narcissists have an idea of how you're feeling, but lack the desire to care or delve into more understanding about it, and many of them cannot see much beyond their own projections - projecting who they are on to you. Most of them have no clue as to what normal human reactions are either, and it is rare to see them having an interest in human psychology, what causes trauma in others, thus they can't fathom why you'd want to get away from them ... except believing that you're stupid and/or crazy to see how great they are. 

The reason I think these are important to know about is that from my own research, and poking around at forums of narcissists, these are all legitimate.

One of the reasons I decided to cover this subject is that it is the prelude to my post on the shame-rage spiral, a post I hope to publish this month where most of these prior perspectives repeat in some way. 

Most people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder use DARVO, so it's just part of "the human behavior" element of their particular disorders. In fact, if you meet someone who DARVOs and blame-shifts, you are probably dealing with someone with a Cluster B personality disorder. Most of the rest of population doesn't use DARVO because they don't get their self esteem from narcissistic supply, power, control, and feelings of greatness and superiority to others - that link tells why. In fact, these kinds of thoughts and feelings are off-line for the rest of the population, not perceptible in themselves or others, until they study the Cluster B personality disorders and realize what is going on with someone in their life who cannot seem to respond to uncomfortable subjects except to compulsively blame-shift. 

The rest of the population does not have these drastic highs and lows in terms of their ego and their self esteem either. If all that narcissists think about in terms of relationships is power, control, domination and narcissistic supply, which most do, then it makes sense that if there are drastic changes where they don't feel as powerful, or their self esteem feels shattered, that they'd feel deeply depressed.

For the rest of us, self esteem is mainly derived from "right action", ethics, compassion, work well done, working in ways that are helpful or needed, how we conduct ourselves when relating to one another, how we bring up our kids, whether we are good citizens, and most of all, our ability to take accountability when we slip up, make mistakes, momentarily lose our morals or ethics, or momentarily lose our ability to understand others and their perspectives. Slipping up also means an opportunity for growth, where we try to better ourselves, where we try to understand others, and try to better our communication and compassion styles.

Narcissists don't do that and many people have the opinion that they are stuck in the same perspectives (forever), and the same ways of relating, that they don't evolve, and in the meantime, their outmoded styles and views make them "difficult people" - that link is worthwhile to read because it says that some narcissists are able to change a little in old age (perhaps a baby step, and through various therapies like Schema therapy), but people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (the diagnosis, people who have all, or almost all of the traits), tend to become even less adaptable (often going through old age with something called "narcissistic mortification"). 

The rest of us do not generate our self esteem from other people, with the exception of some children who grow up with a parent who wants their child to have big insecurities (and usually the parents who want their children to have big insecurities are parents with Cluster B personality disorders).  

Very little can be achieved by trashing someone else's self esteem - look at how narcissists behave. These are not people most of us want to emulate. Children who help, or copy their parent in wrecking the self esteem of other children in the household can become narcissists themselves - how does that achieve good in the world, or even in the family, or teach anything of value?

And then the children who are the victims of constant self esteem bashing aren't going to fare all that well either: they are frequently saddled with depression, anxiety in the way of hypervigilance (walking on eggshells), and trauma symptoms, some of them quite severe. If they don't realize that all of the bashing is based on their parent's low self esteem and insecurities, their parent's need for superiority and power, their need for negative narcissistic supply, some of what happened to this child in childhood can carry them into adulthood (like setting their sites very low in terms of what they think they deserve in terms of a career, making a living, and the choice of a marriage partner). Unless the world needs a lot of disabled children with bashed up self esteems, and children estranged from their families, and children who are low-balling their ambitions, and children who are trying to make it on their own because they view their families as dire enemies, and rightfully so, is that good for society?

And note here: some children actually realize what they've been put through before they reach adulthood. They can start to question their parent's motives for why they want a child or children with low self esteem when they hear too many lies, too many distortions of reality, too many assumptions about what they, the child, thinks, and feels, and experiences, and too many conclusions that don't add up (common). Or there is a family member, or other parent who alerts them as to what is really going on, who has the "power of insight" (also common). Scapegoats of families are the most likely to be aware from at least one of these two sources.

These days, it's less of a guessing game. A child or pre-teen can Google "Why does my parent always try to make me look bad, but themselves look great even though I'm the one who is hurt by them?" They can now learn they are a scapegoat as soon as they are able to read and have some sort of vocabulary where they can understand concepts that are being presented to them. It's how many pre-teens and teenagers are learning they are the scapegoat of the family. And DARVO is certainly a type of scapegoating except that it doesn't always involve the same person. 

However, scapegoats also realize that when their self esteem is recovering from a combination of realizations, it becomes a huge challenge for the narcissistic parent, and the scapegoat receives even more self esteem bashing. - that link says the usual things about how to handle it, i.e. "think about 'no-contact'", "anchor yourself in your own reality and don't allow the narcissist to alter it", "go on an 'information diet' where you don't share what you are experiencing, feeling or thinking with the narcissist so that it diminishes attacks" and "consider the JADE technique". That's all well and good when you are an adult and have some means to escape, but it isn't great when you are a child. The result is that many child scapegoats go along to keep the peace by "dressing down for Mom", or "down-playing success for Dad", or "nod in agreement" when they really don't want to, but do it to keep the peace.

But the question remains: That's a good way to experience childhood? That's a good way for parents, siblings and children to behave and relate to each other in families? And what good does it do for society? 

Narcissists apparently need it to regulate their self esteem and moods. And guess who is in charge of that job? The family scapegoat child, of course, and the siblings who yell at the scapegoat to regulate (i.e. "Why did you say that? Now she's in a bad mood and hating all of us! It's your fault!"). In terms of the "moods" part of the link, it's a survival technique, often used by scapegoats who are aware enough of what is going on with their parent to know what and won't keep the parent emotionally regulated. It fits into the "fawning" category of trauma responses (the other major ones being fight, flee and freeze). 

THE DARVO TACTIC IS ONLY A STOP-GAP
SOLUTION FOR MOST NARCISSISTS

What I'm about to say here is based on many, many studies of how narcissists use DARVO, and what the fall-outs are for them. I'll prove these findings in the post about the shame-rage spiral.

And note: in the following text, I'm talking about overt grandiose narcissists and covert vulnerable narcissists here, not malignant narcissists. 

So, here goes:

The DARVO tactic can lift a narcissist's self esteem, and temporarily help them avoid "the excruciating pain of accountability" (and believe it or not, they actually do register it as deeply painful - they aren't like the rest of us in this way ... and a narcissist can even feel suicidal or long term chronic emotional distress if many people in their life won't accept the narcissist's blame-shifting tactics).

However, the fall-out for them is that most people do not like the narcissist's faults or bad deeds shifted on to them and think it is audacious, cruel, unnecessary and bad form to try to do it (people do not like blame-shifting, and being held accountable for another person's deeds, or their traits).

So the narcissist usually meets resistance there.

If people have the sense the narcissist is trying to retain or gain power, control and domination, people, especially adults, do not like having someone dominating them or having control over them. 

So the narcissist usually meets resistance there. 

If the narcissist is having an ego crash, and wants to reassert dominance through the DARVO tactic to regain it, most people don't want to be put in that position either. 

So the narcissist usually meets resistance there too. 

And what happens after all of this? (and note: this is going to sound redundant, but the difference is that there are links in this paragraph this time). It puts the narcissist back into the dungeon of pain, with feelings that they aren't so superior after all, and they entertain the possibility that maybe they are even worthless. And of course, all of this pain, and feeling powerless is not tolerable for them, and they start to feel that they don't deserve "this much pain" (link, and another link, and another link). I mean, how could they feel superior and then someone comes along and makes them feel inferior? It doesn't seem fair to them. And because they feel they don't deserve it, that they are more meaningful than they are made out to be, the pain of accountability starts to turn into feelings of rage, and vengeance starts overwhelm their thoughts, and make them feel temporarily better, more powerful, gradually putting them back into their superior state of mind, and more able to act on the vengeance they feel is mounting inside. 

To them, rage and vengeance make them feel powerful. - what the Google AI article points out is this (largely taken from many research articles on narcissism, and put forward for the general public by people like Dr. Ramani Durvasula's writings and videos and Dr. Les Carter and his videos on the subject ... another link):
"Acting out through aggression, smear campaigns, legal harassment, or manipulation allows them to swap a terrifying feeling of inner weakness for a temporary sense of dominance." 

So what do they do with making someone else accountable for "the mistake" or "the fault" or "bad deed" they did? 

They either go back to the original person who would not accept "the blame shift" and try to talk them into "why" it is necessary that they accept the blame and also to take on the added responsibility for making them feel hurt and worthless. If it's still not working, they use as many gaslighting techniques as it takes to get the other person to accept the blame. 

If they still don't take the blame, narcissists often resort to abuse tactics, sometimes many of them all at once, or they do a discard and talk themselves into the other person being worthless. Typical phrases you hear are "I never liked them anyway", "I never cared about them anyway", "I never thought they were ever good enough, and not worth much to me anyway", "And now they've ruined our relationship", "And now they can sit in what they've done to me. I hope it's excruciating." 

And you can see from the last two quotes here is that they like to re-write the narrative so that you're 100 percent at fault for not taking on blame or traits that do not belong to you. 

And since people don't like false narratives, and do not like being in the company of people who adopt vengeance as a coping mechanism for inter-personal conflicts, and don't like being abused, and don't like feeling "forced" to take on the blame and traits of the narcissist, most people tend to retreat from the narcissist, or go "no-contact" with them, or refuse to talk to them (because narcissists will often act as if nothing happened when they deeply hurt another person). 

So, the narcissist tends to lose people and the power they used to have, the very relationships and power they are trying to protect through the DARVO tactic.

What happens is that they go back to feeling shame, then rage and thoughts of vengeance appear, and the whole cycle starts again, even if they feel helpless to act on the rage. It can live within them for years, where they make plans to hurt the victim in other ways - note: the obsession for revenge is especially dominate in vulnerable and malignant narcissism. 

However, some people are not capable of backing away or leaving a narcissist. For instance, children are trapped with them, so these children have to have other coping mechanisms for dealing with this much force, and this much abuse, and this many smear campaigns, and this much "discard" ... although children do not go through a discard as much as compensations for it: "getting the invisible treatment" where the parent "offers zero emotional warmth, validation, or genuine interest, reducing interaction to cold logistics or criticism" - quote from Google AI, Other tactics in that article point to "parentification": where the parent leaves the child to take on the responsibilities of the household, child care and adult burdens.  Some narcissistic parents create a villain narrative about their child: "they cast the child as 'difficult,' 'defiant,' or 'ungrateful,' engineering constant conflict". Some provoke the child into leaving: "they push the child until they act out, rebel, or distance themselves. This allows the narcissist to flip the script and claim the child abandoned or rejected them, playing the perpetual victim to friends, family, or the court system". Other narcissistic parents "withhold money, praise, or basic necessities unless the child serves a specific narcissistic need (such as complying with strict control)". Some "provide their child with the bare minimum required by law or social norms to avoid looking like a neglectful parent, while completely detaching themselves from the child's emotional well-being and care".  

This is an awful amount of coercive control and punishment to deal with for a child, so they usually cave in and accept the blame-shift just to survive the situation. 

This tends to create a habit, and cyclical pattern in the narcissist, that they can always count on shifting fault and accountability on to this one child. This is how scapegoats are created in a narcissistic family (the scapegoat is almost always a child too). 

This has an enormous cost for the child and the entire family. For one, they have to keep the vengeance and rage from their parent from re-surfacing, so they often become "the person who has to regulate the narcissist's emotions and self esteem" by sacrificing the truth, producing narratives that don't hurt their parent's ego, and scapegoating themselves (sometimes for real, and sometimes in "pretend fashion"). Often other family members put them in that role too.

However there is much more fall-out than this. As I said, it effects everyone in a narcissistic family system, and either the kids implode, or the narcissist does, depending on how the trauma bonding is playing out, who has trauma symptoms and who doesn't, how many members have adopted narcissistic traits themselves, depending on the kind of support that is coming from other adults inside and outside the family system, and all of the variables that can push the family to be more toxic, or less so. And sometimes, believe it or not, the forces at work that pull the family into less toxic behaviors can actually increase the toxicity of the narcissists themselves and even make them more dangerous than they were previously. Again, any interruption to their control produces rage, or an escalation of abuse. 

Avoiding implosion, keeping narcissists emotionally regulated, and ego regulated often is expected of the family and becomes an enabling system much like alcoholic families have. It tends to branch out into trying to keep the family from having a cruel, heartless, broken reputation. It usually does not work over the long run. It's actually normal for narcissistic families to reach a chronically implosive state without the narcissist or anyone else being able to stop it, also known as "the critical mass of dysfunctional families". 

I hope to continue to describe in more detail of what all of this feels like on the receiving end in another post, especially for the family members who have been stuck in roles by the narcissist that they never wanted, believed they deserved, or asked for.

BUT HOW DOES THE NARCISSIST REACT WHEN THEY ARE THE TARGET OF A DARVO? 
CAN'T THEY SEE THAT IT IS HYPOCRITICAL TO EXPECT OTHERS TO TAKE ON FAULTS THAT DON'T BELONG TO THEM
IF THEY CAN'T DEAL WITH IT?

The answer to that is that they most often react with explosive rage, panic and compulsive smear campaigns when they receive it themselves. 

It's basically about two Cluster B's trying to out-do each other in mutual destruction. 

Neither one is willing to feel pain, accountability, or think in a way that is a deep self observational dive into the workings of their own mind and emotion, or understand how others might react to them, so it becomes like a war, with each of them trying to out-do the other with massive amounts of destruction. 

In the meantime, they wear out everyone else around them, unable to step back from the war, even if it's an embarrassment to the whole family to have this rogue member out to destroy "the family reputation", a reputation that the narcissist would normally care about if the person was someone else besides them. 

Do people side with one or the other narcissist when two narcissists are at war with one another? Or do they chastise them for having a war? It depends. What that link reveals is that some narcissists are able to recruit enablers, and some of them threaten and coerce family members into enabling them to win, and some people choose "the lesser of two evils", and some others choose "the safer narcissist". What that link also reveals is this (excerpt, quote is in burgundy):

Do people chastise them for the war?

Yes, neutral or outside observers frequently feel deep frustration, disgust, or fatigue, and they do criticize the conflict:

* Exhaustion and Boundary-Setting: To anyone outside their immediate web of influence, a war between two narcissists looks like a toxic, ego-driven spectacle. People often roll their eyes, mock the immaturity of it, or explicitly tell them both to stop.

* The Danger of Chastising Them: Anyone who openly chastises, mocks, or laughs at a narcissist quickly learns that it carries a heavy cost. Narcissists experience any criticism or blow to their ego as a severe threat, which usually causes them to double down, redirect their rage onto the person scolding them, or drag the critic into the mess as well.

As for whether they can see the hypocrisy ... Absolutely not, even if every single person around them sees it that way. What that link reveals is this:

There is no psychological insight, and no yearning to explore psychological insight as protecting their ego, control and power come first always, even as they are destroying their reputation and the power they hold over others, and ultimately the ego they are trying to protect from criticism by being so hypocritical.

This double standard doesn't make sense to the rest of us, that's for sure. And it shouldn't make sense to them either because most people generally view people who indulge in hypocrisy with deep distrust, resentment, and moral disapproval. Thus their ego crashes over that. 

Of course, if you explained this to them, they would have another narcissistic injury and rage over it, and start hurting other people just for noticing the hypocrisy. But I'd bet anything that is why most people abandon narcissists. It's just a fact of life that hypocrisy causes reputation damage to the people who use it, and for people to develop a distrust and disapproval of them. 

So my particular feeling is that there are several reasons for it. The first is that the panic of losing narcissistic supply and power is so over-powering, that thought, logic, and self reflection about why it is happening is not taking place at all; their feelings and impulses are taking over. Narcissists are known to have dysregulated emotions, and as far as I'm concerned, it seems that cognition and introspection disappear and emotions and impulses take over. What that link reveals is this: "When overwhelmed, narcissists often attempt to regulate themselves by destabilizing the nervous systems of people around them—creating conflicts or picking fights to shift the emotional burden onto others." - quote from Google AI. 

I thought this Psychology Today article by Julie L. Hall, in particular, had the best answers and insight as to why they stay stuck in patterns and hypocrisies like this, and keep spinning them to their own detriment, and why they cannot see their way out of them. 

The other ingredient going on, I think, is the core personality trait attributed to narcissists: "a belief that they are entitled to special treatment" (from the Diagnosis and Statistical Manual that psychiatrists and psychologists use to diagnose). The fact that they use the DARVO tactic and automatically expect people to take accountability when the narcissist would never do it in similar situations is definitely a sign of "entitlement to special treatment". 

One other aspect is that narcissists see people as tools, as extensions of themselves that they can use in what ever way benefits them.

The other part to this is that since narcissists seem so similar in this way across the board, it seems like they are possessed in a similar way that people with alcohol use disorder are often described as acting possessed (possessed by alcohol in that case). Granted there are scientific explanations for an alcoholic's behavior in the same way that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have. But  realistically, how many narcissists are out there who don't DARVO? 

however, it seems uncanny, from the perspective of regular everyday people, that narcissists are all so alike. I remember reading a forum where someone said, "It's like they all caught the same disease, went to school and studied how to use all of the same awful manipulative tactics, and on top of that, believe that somehow the rest of us who don't have this disorder are expected to put ourselves in harm's way to serve them and raise up their ego. A lot of them are so rageful, destructive and violent, that to take care of them, and the issues they have, is to deny our own reality and health since so many of us get sick around them, deny that we matter except to serve them, to deny our own hurts to serve their hurts, and at the end of it all, we have nothing to show for it except debilitating trauma symptoms, and more rage from them because our symptoms are not serving them in the way they want."

As far as the DARVO tactic is concerned, most people view it as a narcissistic moral weakness complete with cowardice and selfish ends. Most people don't understand why narcissists don't want to grow, evolve and stop using tactics that hurt other people, and eventually themselves since people will only excuse these transgressions for only so long.   

IN CLOSING

The DARVO tactic and the expectations and entitlements that narcissists have about other people taking on their sins, and how it all plays out, is just one of their "shame-rage spirals". There are so many others - and hopefully you can see how absolutely sapping that would be, with constant "danger elements" to us as we either try to grapple with these spirals, or walk away from them. Even when we walk away, we are grappling with them because, as I've said, many narcissists are grappling with their own obsessions of revenge against us.

Is it any wonder that scapegoat children (who are saddled with all of the narcissists in a family using them for blame-shifting too) often develop autoimmune diseases and heart issues sooner rather than later? The human body is not meant to be in this much of a highly stressful environment for years on end without some serious health repercussions. And children have immune systems that are still "in the development stage", and even migrating out of the thymus gland and into T-Cell regeneration, lymph nodes, spleen and blood stream. A lot of trauma can disrupt a child's developmental immune system - that link says "profoundly effect it". 

Anyway, #4, from the last chapter, is the most common way most narcissists do the DARVO tactic, and if you re-read all of the other ways narcissists feel and why they did what they did, it is mainly a variation on #4. My only question on some of these was: Can narcissists really forget what they said and only ruminate on the responses they receive? It seemed far fetched. But apparently they can dissociate, although clinical observations note mixed opinions on whether this is a conscious choice or an automatic defense mechanism - it's an interesting topic if you love Psychology research.  

VIDEO ON FACEBOOK:

"The narcissist will accuse you of exactly what they’re doing behind your back"
- by No More Narcissists (channel run by clinical psychologist, Alexander Burgemeester)

FOUND ON FACEBOOK:

When Narcissists Pit Children Against Each Other to Win Their Affection, This is What It is Largely About

When narcissists pit children against each other to compete for the parent's affection, validation and resources, the outcome has already been decided. It's not like this parent is thinking really hard about who should win each competition they set up, who should come first, who should get more affection and who should be shamed and shunned.

They put children in roles, usually at least by age four (at the latest - but I'd say that two year olds present the biggest challenge to a narcisistic parent because two year olds start being head-strong, exploratory and they wander off in ways that can be seen to be adverse to such a parent, and also there isn't the kind of "transactional relationship" that narcissists crave and often demand that can be extracted from a two year old, plus there is very little narcissistic supply you can get out of a two year old). So I'd say that is when it starts for a large number of narcissists.

In some narcissistic families roles are sometimes based on the sex of individuals, or the "perceived strength" and "power" of an individual "the child who appears most 'acceptable' to others, the most capable looking, the kid who is deemed to grow up to be the most accomplished, the kid who will make the parent 'look good', the kid who is more even-tempered or unreactive when provoked" ... 

Anyway, it is these roles that decide the attitude and outcome of the narcissistic parent: "the golden child can do 'no wrong'; the golden child can think 'no wrong'; the golden child 'comes first and is always best'". Then the attitude towards the scapegoat is "they 'can't do anything right', they can't 'think clearly and are inept in their thinking style or they are bat-sh*t crazy', and therefor the scapegoat must 'always be last', in importance, in getting affection, care, or family resources, or attention."

Narcissists feel they absolutely need, and they constantly crave "narcissistic supply" which is a fancy way of saying attention, importance, admiration, envy, respect, devotion, being able to control you and others in any and every situation, being the absolute center of attention, getting what they think they are entitled to get, getting people angry, getting people upset, getting 'the best transaction out of their children'."

And how do they get this out of their own children? - by setting up competitions between their children. A golden child can be bashing the hell out of a scapegoat sibling, and it often is met with cold indifference because the important thing to them is "They are fighting over me! How sweet!" - and by the way, that link is worth exploring.

And what makes this dynamic "double trouble" is that narcissists don't have the empathy to feel anything different.

Narcissists often need both positive narcissistic supply and negative narcissistic supply to tell themselves that they matter to other people. 

Because the golden child is treated like gold, and wins these dreadful competitions over and over again, he's very likely to provide the narcissist with positive narcissistic supply: praise for the parent to get praise from the parent, affection for the parent in order to get affection from the parent, attention to every word the narcissist says in return for positive attention from the parent. And some golden children will do anything for the parent's approval in return for the parent's approval of them, allowing the parent to control them in return for even more approval. The darker side of this is that when the parent insists that the child ignore or bully a sibling or the other parent, or to disparage a sibling or other parent, the golden child may go along with it to keep receiving affection, accoldaes, prizes, attention, and loyalty from the narcissistic parent.  It can get him the best kind of transaction from the parent, and the parent can get the best transaction from the child as well, and keeps other siblings from being rewarded, or even noticed much.

And because the scapegoat is treated like crap unless the "golden child has fallen off the narcissistic parent's imaginary pedastal", the parent is likely to get a constant flow of negative narcissistic supply out of the scapegoat. Narcissists crave as much negative narcissistic supply as they do positive narcissistic supply. They feel it is an "existential threat" to them if they lose, or are without, narcissistic supply.
   We only have to look to despotic world dictators with a lot of narcissistic traits to see that they crave this: doing invasions, breaking international laws by killing civilians and bombing their homes and communities, doing everything they can to get others to capitulate to their demands, getting positive narcissistic supply from some countrymen, and other dictators or would-be-dictators, for appearing invincible and audacious. In the meantime, they "divide and conquer" their countrymen to see who is totally on their side, and who seems totally against them (in terms of power), and they attempt to get rid of the people who contest their power, and bait their scapegoats (usually foreigners, the disabled, the elderly, women, immigrants, people of different cultural or racial backgrounds than their own) to suppress, punish, shun, disparage, and outlaw. It's usually always a despotic dictator's playbook.

But back to the narcissist in your personal life:
   Most narcissists also take wild chances to keep the attention on themselves, much of it impulsively driven. 
   If they are malignant narcissists, which most despotic tyrants usually are, they get off on the suffering of others because it shows them that they can affect others negatively, and get what they want, and it's powerful narcissistic supply for them too ("I can make other people suffer so much; they have to think about me all of the time; and they will eventually capitulate to my great and invincible power, and be punished for defying me").
   So what is negative narcissistic supply? Tears, fear, heartbreak, resistance from being controlled (especially if the narcissist targets those they see as too weak, disabled or ill to fight back - which they usually do), and singling out a scapegoat for narcissistic rage and prejudice. If necessary, they seek assistance from all family members and others so that they gain no resistance to their aggressions against the scapegoat.
   WARNING: When people turn a blind eye to what the narcissist is doing, and validate, enable and enforce the narcissist for abusing, raging and scapegoating, even if the narcissist uses false narratives to achieve those ends, unless the scapegoat can escape, these acts will tend to escalate.
   Part of negative narcissistic supply is also baiting the scapegoat to get angry.
   Trying to get the scapegoat to feel fear is also part of negative narcissistic supply. And what do they want scapegoats to feel afraid of? Threats. Punishments. Being invalidated, proved unworthy of listening to or deserving of affection. The "absolute power" of the narcissistic parent to do anything they want to the scapegoat, including damaging outcomes. Of being excommunicated or shunned from the family. Of being "canceled out" and "threatened into renouncing their own autonomy to put the parent's needs and feelings first always". The absolute loss of autonomy. Being continually controlled and abused. Being mocked, degraded, and laughed at for the narcissist's family entertainment. Being isolated from any authentic affection, friends, caring family members, and belonging (i.e. total entrapment). Fear of the narcissist's smear campaigns. Getting others to withdraw any kind of authentic love, support or understanding of the scapegoat's plight (the narcissistic parent  decides what kind of affection and attention a scapegoat is to receive from others, if any).
   With malignant narcissists it can mean fear that they will launch a home invasion, stalk, steal from them, have things they've made or deeply valued destroyed. Having one's children and spouse turned against them. Fear of physical harm, and often fear of "their presence" in their life. Fear of them "intruding" in their life in some way, or knocking on the door, or "retaliating" in ways that will cause deep pain.
   Note: The reason why narcissists want their scapegoats afraid of them and in pain is to get an internal surge of power which translates into a big dopamine high for them, but also to get the scapegoat to capitulate to being at fault. 
   Also note: Most scapegoats want a malignant narcissist out of their life instead because of the destruction they cause. It's just a matter of time until the destruction comes out.

When a narcissistic parent has at least two children, they are probably getting all of the positive and negative narcissistic supply that they crave (at least in terms of what children are capable of giving). They see this dual narcissistic supply as regulating their own self esteem, moods, and their feelings of "being great and superior to others". 

WHAT IS REALLY HAPPENING

Narcissists have several issues going on:

* They don't feel empathy (they have cognitive empathy, i.e. realize someone is upset, and may feel remorse over it if they think it will ruin their public standing or feelings of superiority in their narcissistic supply's eyes). Lack of affective empathy in narcissists is a brain issue, but also narcissists really don't want to know what other people go through or are feeling unless it concerns their ego. 

* They tend to think in black and white terms called "splitting": this means that the "golden child" will often be looked at as "all good, all of the time" and the scapegoat will be looked as "all bad, all of the time". 

* Narcissists have an extreme form of confirmation bias and rarely investigate anything, and tend to go with their own opinions about events and judgements about others. 

* Narcissists tend to project all of their own good qualities on to the golden child, and all of their own bad qualities on to the scapegoat. They rarely, if ever, try to put themselves in the shoes of others to understand their perspectives, or investigate, so they rarely have perspectives about others that change. 

* Narcissists tend to be prejudiced, especially about their scapegoats. 

* They pressure other people to alter reality so that the narcissist can avoid accountability for their actions, and to assure themselves that they are always in charge of how others speak, and of the narrative. ... (another link)

* Narcissists only appreciate scapegoats in terms of avoiding responsibilities for their own faults and flaws and to transfer the blame to the scapegoat. Once a scapegoat is no longer useful to them in this way, they generally discard the scapegoat. 

* Scapegoat children are rarely appreciated, or even understood, but narcissists often try to entrap them so that they can have the narrative that the scapegoat is always at fault and to get the negative narcissistic they crave. 

If you are a scapegoat and don't want to be someone's negative narcissistic supply any more, or are really sick and tired of giving any part of supply to them at all (and getting hypervigilant symptoms), you can choose to leave. Most scapegoats leave their narcissistic families anyway, this day and age or they are discarded for not staying in role. 

Many people who are being abused in family and domestic situations seek out help from domestic violence centers to talk about how to leave safely and with enough resources to ensure survival, and to be able to "move beyond" the narcissistic family system. And by the way, "emotional abuse" counts as domestic violence at most domestic violence shelters and centers. 

Other solutions aren't great, but you can always try gray-rocking, Jade and DEEP methods if you feel they might work enough while you consider alternatives to your life within or without the narcissistic family system. 

   Note: I recommend this following video by Jerry Wise, but some of your reactions may be different from what he states.
   For instance, when I left a narcissistic system, I didn't feel guilt (what he says you can feel) as much as panic: heart racing, feeling I had to live up to my usual role in order to avoid the consequences of narcissistic punishments at a super challenging time in my life (explanation below).
   I was used to trying to "regulate" narcissists, or at least "dodge and weave" the worst ones, and in a lot of ways programmed to do it (my intention of writing this little story is for the sake of differences with some of Jerry Wise's assertions, not to expose any particular narcissists, and I do keep them anonymous in this post). 
   Anyway, I was re-wording events so they didn't sound like "they'd be threats to a narcissist's ego" - yea, I know the job that keeps on giving you more jobs ...  calming them down, or taking words back to re-word, and re-explain, and re-explain again. I thought I could slowly ease the situation and make things more clear, and, as most of us do when we feel we have to - explaining, explaining, explaining (most often to deaf ears), but also doing my best to keep to the reality of events too, and not just give into narcissistic denials and fantasies about what was happening. 
   So when the narcissists went off the rails after I pulled away for good reasons (medical crises at home, an accident of a loved one, and a host of other dire issues that would normally take precedence in anyone's life), I decided my attention should be on the more calamatous issues than being a regulator for a small ego issue. And to me, it was exceptionally small, but probably not to them as they were used to every ego issue being stroked by someone in their circle.
   I called it "the princess and the pea syndome" at the time.  
   However, I did find myself in what little downtime I had, internally wrestling with the narcissist's issue. Sometimes it was all I could do to stop myself from being Ms. Regulator or Ms. Explainer for the umpteenth time, but I didn't: taking myself out of the other crises would not have been wise, responsible, reasonable, loving, or compassionate of me. 
   The inattention to the narcissist's ego made the narcissist have an ego-tantrum and breakdown. 
   When trying to explain, yet again, I was surprised that they took the Ms. Explainer role that I had always had, away. For the first time, they didn't want to hear explanations, so I was taken out of that job altogether, and the result is that I no longer had much to say (experienced as part relief, part injustice - it's possible to feel two things at once that are somewhat opposites). And frankly, I thought silencing me was pretty bad form, like only they get to talk? No, I wasn't having it, or the fantasies they were trying to re-invent around the issues between us. 
   Jerry Wise in the video also talks about how this kind of silence can feel "unsettling", and induce a "guilt-ridden state", however for me, it was just the opposite because I was exhausted from at least two years of non-stop crises. Rescuing the narcissist from some ego crisis, but "in silence" this time, was no longer my job as I saw it - or a job I knew how to do "in silence", or a job I wanted to do "in silence". Over time I felt their whole issue around their ego was bogus, a "power and control move" to get me to accept a lie, or force a lie on me, and I felt some shame that I ever thought "It was my job to fix an ego crash" and that "I had to do it, or else!" instead. No, I didn't need to be their rescuer. 
   I also had the realization that "they never rescued anyone else's ego; if anything they blasted people with too many criticisms."
   I think usually when someone is trying to twist the truth, and when they don't want to hear what you have to say, and where the issue is silly (like regulating an ego should come first over the large load of "real crises" that I was carrying) wipes out the guilt. If there was a potential for guilt, the load I was dealing with didn't allow it.
   If anything, I felt irritated that they wanted attention at a time like that. But narcissists and their fragile egos must come first for them as we all know!
   And it is this thought that I ruminated on in the silence they imposed on me. I was exhausted taking on the role, and it was screaming "unethical" besides. And why shouldn't they be accountable for things they've done; why is it always up to someone else, or a group of members, to make it seem that they aren't? "Oh, you're perfect! You would never do that, would you?" - it's like trying to fulfill a childhood fantasy they never did anything wrong. Why go on with this charade at all!? Why not just tell them they are accountable, period, and let the chips fall where they may? Why does absolutely everyone around them have to deny the truth, or a flaw, or a fault, to make life easier for them, make reality more palatable for them, make explanations and words more palatable, or try to dodge and sway on issues for fear of enduring more rages and the awful consequences of their retaliations and punishments? They have no problem pointing out everyone else's flaws, so they should be able to take what they dish out, right?
   Wrong (maybe, in the sense that it brings out more ire in them ... most psychologists who specialize in narcissistic abuse suggest that instead of pointing out these inconsistencies and hypocrisies, that pulling away more, putting even more distance between you, a lot more boundaries, and more silence is better than saying anything to them). Anyway, it was "a mistake", or "an experiment gone awry" more likely in the sense that the head narcissist put me through "a punishment" much more severe and a lot more immoral than I thought they would, and even the panic I felt of being out of role went away, as protecting myself from them took priority. 
   I think I also miscalculated what kind of narcissist they were (perhaps more dark triad than merely covert). 
   Then I learned of their smear campaigns. It made the separation much easier, as they were also vindictive with the craziest false stories I ever heard about myself. That produced disgust and alarm - it  further wiped out any feelings of guilt. 
   And it also wiped out hope. Before this series of events, I thought, with enough time, they'd come to their senses, see some of my perspectives, do some double-takes, the normal things that most people do.
   But when getting advice on this whole issue from a series of professionals, they said it would be a miracle if it ever happened. "The narcissistic mind is stuck in a pretty severe form of confirmation bias" they said, and the only thing they will accept is total agreement with them and their perspectives, and most people can't do that after awhile. Sometimes it's even dangerous to do so, like if they have a co-bully who wants to hurt you. That's why they leave a trail of broken relationships, with broken down communications, and why they always have to look for ever more narcissistic supply. And it's not that they are just stubborn with their confirmation biases, they actually think their perspectives are superior to yours and everyone else's no matter how far from reality they get. They have to believe that they are great and that you have to worship their perspectives and decisions, and if you doubt them, they can start to feel their reputation is at stake, and then they feel an enormous amount of rage. And rage is what gives them a temporary sense of power again, that they can affect people that way. Then the vindictiveness inside of them takes over producing another "power feeling". Then they'll try to punish you and scare you to death - another way they compensate for an ego crash.
   The fact that it happened in this way made it clear they were right, and made any potential hope disappear, and certainly any potential guilt I might have. 

   But generally, for most scapegoats, I think Jerry Wise is right, that you are indoctrinated to take on a role, and if you don't do it, you'll feel guilt and have to endure a pretty awful retaliation from them, and perhaps from their flying monkeys too. Part of the scapegoat role is about making sure that the narcissist is emotionally regulated at your expense and often it gets to be the truth's expense too. You are caught up in saving them from their shame-rage spiral fallout, and yourself from their vindictiveness if they don't get their way in being coddled and excused for any wrong-doing they commit. I just did not want them thinking that I was always to be counted on to fix every ego crash they endured when they got challenged by "accountability". 
   The audacious feelings they have at being held accountable for issues (when they actually are accountable) should be a child's full time anxiety ridden job to fix? Hell no!
   And having a child in your life does make that seem like an evil expectation. 
   It resembles "snowplow parenting" where the parent removes every obstacle a child faces, where even any discomfort of emotion is cleared away, except it is in reverse, where the child clears out every uncomfortable feeling, every challenge to their parent's ego, every blockade to their lust for more power and control, and with scapegoats, doing it while still trying to retain the truth, and what ever the narcissist can stand as the truth. It's a degrading job, not meant for any child. Maybe it should be called "snowplow childrening", although it is certainly parentifying, a very sick version of it. 
   The rest of what he says, I think, is relevant, that being without the role, and knowing the smear campaigns afterwards are just the same desperate falsehoods needed by them to make you appear accountable and themselves appear unaccountable. They apparently also have to add in more false stories than ever and make you into a more pronounced villain than before. Icky.
   And it is this feeling of "icky" that made me stop the role, and want to find out who I really was without their constant approvals and disapprovals, and judgements of others in general (in my experience, narcissists judge all kinds of people, and not in nice ways, throughout the day, or every minute of the day depending on what kind of narcissist they are). And that's hell to be around. 
   Their judgements tend to be so wrong too because with that many judgements, and that much negativity put into their judgements, most of them are bound to be wrong. It's not like they investigate, or want to listen to anyone, or want to understand anyone, or want to put themselves in other people's shoes, so it's "just opinions". And opinions don't mean much, or have much weight. They certainly aren't like facts and never will be. 
   We know how world tyrants come to conclusions about others. It's very much like that. 
   So once you are out of role, and not just a defender, or a person who "smooths things over", or "the reasonable un-prejudiced voice", or a fixer, or "an endless explainer", there is an identity crisis you face for sure. But I'd bet some of that unprejudiced voice that scapegoats have, the fixer, and defender of minority issues is just re-routed into "societal causes" you feel should be addressed. It also feels wonderful to get to know oneself on one's own terms and through other people besides narcissists, especially the creatives of the world, the empaths, the people who love all "god's creatures" including children and the care-takers of animals, the functional families who try to work out conflicts than to throw blame around and vilify the truth and a sole member, the self-aware, our partners if we are happily married, and the positive people with "authentic integrity" in our lives. 
   Now to the video:

Family No Contact: 8 Things Nobody Warns You About
by Jerry Wise,
(recommended by psychologist, Dr. Les Carter):

FOUND ON FACEBOOK:

Dealing with Overwhelming Emotions From Narcissistic Abuse, an Introduction. Comes With a Discussion on Dysregulated Emotions.

 
I found this illustration on Facebook, and when I clicked on the drawing to see whose it was, I was taken to the NICABM website to see this ad for an upcoming workshop. 

You may or may not want to take the workshop - I don't feel it is my duty to advertise for them, although I may be interested enough myself to take it. I will let you know. 

However, I don't expect this workshop to cover the stress that comes from narcissistic abuse. In fact, it looks like they go in the opposite direction and cover, briefly, snowplow parenting - a type of over-protective parenting where every distress is removed so that their child never feels any manner of distress when growing up. 

I suppose this set of circumstances can happen between spouses too, where one spouse removes every stressful situation their spouse is going through. This spouse might get rid of children for awhile, or forever, who are seen to be distressing to their spouse, or the lawn mower doesn't work as well as it should for their spouse so it gets removed too, or they talk to the spouse's boss when this boss seemingly makes too many demands on their spouse  ...  or if they are dealing with a narcissistic spouse, where everything that makes the narcissistic spouse rage is removed. 

However, when you grow up with narcissistic parenting, or snowplow parenting, it tends to influence your personality, and personality traits are much harder to change, unless "constantly changing" was expected of you. 

Apparently narcissistic abuse in a family, and snowplow parenting, can create dysregulated emotions in the child (dysregulated is just another fancy way of saying "overwelmed with emotion" to the point where it seems impossible to stop the emotions). 

Narcissists have dysregulated emotions when it comes to rage, anger, vindictiveness, entitlement/grandiosity, envy, overwhelming feelings of competition in most of their discourses with others, and the aggressive over-powering of others (overwhelming others with force or with their incensed emotions and rageful reactions, demanding and commanding others, not letting others speak, cutting conversations short, giving the silent treatment in order to express their displeasure where they treat others as though a person is invisible, acting like know-it-alls, and deciding that they have "won the argument" by making it clear they are done listening to you).

The lesson narcissists try to teach you is to "tolerate" baiting you for an emotional response, but then shame you and blame you for the response you make (typically called narcissistic baiting). The endgame agenda of narcissitic baiting is to get you to drown your own needs, feelings, presence and voice, and to put taking care of their feelings and needs first. 

And by the way, some narcissists "play the victim" instead of blaming and shaming, or they do both. 

Meanwhile their "victims" often have the dysregulated emotions of grief, sadness, depression, fear, hypervigilence (which translates to a highly alert state with anxiety they can't seem to temper), helplessness, the symptoms of trauma and exhaustion (the exhaustion translates into an inability to feel certain kinds of emotions, typically referred to as emotional exhaustion, emotional numbing, emotional blunting, emotional and physical "freezing" to the point of not making a move or decision, alexithymia and anhedonia).

"Victims" may also have internalized anger too due to betrayals, enduring too much narcissistic abuse and lack of justice, but in terms of a "victim" having dysregulated anger and rage, it is not as possible with a narcissist in your life as narcissists take every opportunity to try to stuff your emotions by out-doing, out-performing, overwhelming you, and over-powering you with their emotions, particularly rage and entitlements to get their own way (often to keep you from fighting for yourself, to keep your feelings and needs invisible and suppressed, to keep you from thinking you can express anger towards them without severe consequences, to keep you from thinking of doing anything that will compromise their power, control, and domination over you, or bruise their ego, or make them accountable for anything). 

All of the stuffed emotions make it more and more impossible to take on other highly charged emotional experiences, making "an expanding window of tolerance" seem like an impossible dream. 

However it is possible. To a large degree, and in the beginning of trying to heal, it means putting yourself into more situations and environments that are peaceful, respectful and compassionate than highly charged ones. It can be difficult if you've got a family or work situation which is stressing you out, where you feel trapped in the situation, "tapped out" and exhausted, where too much is being expected of you and you're not able to perform your best or get enough sleep, or get enough relaxation into your day. 

This is where therapy can really help. And this can be where NICABM comes in ... they mainly teach psychologists and therapists how to help clients ... even when the workshops are open to anyone. 

My main purpose for this post was to show you how dysregulated emotions in narcissists can create dysregulated emotions in you, and why you can feel emotionally depleted, or unable to feel emotions, or why you might be overwhelmed by emotions, or living with an extreme number of emotional storms day in and day out. 

Narcissists can trigger anyone into a hypervigilant, dysregulated state, but if you are not triggered and overwhelmed in other parts of your life, i.e. have peace in other parts of your life, it is easier not to get into a dysregulated state or numb out altogether around a narcissist. 

Note: Again, I'm not suggesting any healing modality, or this NICABM course, or even suggesting you have to "find a way to build tolerance for emotional distress", especially since being in a relationship with a narcissist often means the narcissist will find your happiness, your resilience, your tolerance and your peace a challenge. They do like to provoke negative emotions out of others they feel challenged by. With anyone they feel they have power over, baiting emotions out of you is just par for the course.  

I have been taking a break from writing and publishing, but I do have some posts to publish which I think can add to understanding this dynamic in more detail as well as other topics I have felt need to be covered having to do with narcissists' core personality traits. Rage is just one of them.

One type of rage is overt and very noticeable, but there is also covert rage (planned covert vindictiveness and attacks, also meant to bait emotional responses). Then there is malignant narcissistic rage, a combination of both and very difficult to live with or through if you are a victim of it. 

Until next time ...