I asked Google Search and Google AI this question: "If people don't want to hear what you have to say, is it normal for you to not want to hear what they have to say?"
The answer to that is "absolutely".
What that link reveals:
* Your brain tends to perceive some form of "rejection" from people who do not want to hear what you have to say.
* Emotional distance starts to happen. Unless establishment of "caring about the other's views and feelings" has been established in most other conversations, you will start to distance yourself from that person. In other words, disagreements have to be rarer than agreements, otherwise you will not feel connected or understood.
* If there is a chronic inability to listen to you, people start to distrust others who do not listen to them.
* Respect for the person who will not listen to you begins to fade and can create "a fading away" of the relationship as well.
The result is:
Listening has to be a two-way street in order to maintain a relationship. Otherwise, the person who is not heard will seek other relationships where they are more seen and heard than in the relationship where their opinions, thoughts and feelings don't matter.
Narcissists do not understand this principle because they rarely listen to others, or they "listen and distort". Everything is filtered according to whether the other person is providing the right kind of narcissistic supply they crave, and whether the other person can be "thought-controlled" by the narcissist.
They also consider their voice, their opinions, and their viewpoint to be the most important in any relationship. - that link says they look at what they have to say as "the law". Once a narcissist thinks they know you, conversations become one-sided (they dominate the conversation). They invalidate - differing opinions and insights are not considered, and they deem them wrong, irrational and disrespectful of them. They maintain rigid, harsh opinions and try to condition you to be quiet or to remain quiet when they are opinionating, making decisions for you or the two of you, deciding how to narrate their dominant position over you. They also condition you to be quiet lest they rage, create a conflict, or dismiss you over your difference of opinion.
That link about trying to "thought-control" others is interesting. It basically says that they test new sources of narcissistic supply by:
* testing if you'll agree with them
* to see if you put up boundaries (i.e. how much you'll stand up for yourself)
* to see if you'll follow their demands
* to see if you'll question their behavior (to see how much "bad behavior" that they can get away with)
It also talks about what kind of narcissistic supply they want:
* easy targets that will not argue, not question them and their motives, and who will easily "give in"
* targets that will tend to flatter them and tell them what they want to hear
* targets that will change their feelings, opinions and thoughts to adopt theirs
* targets who have exceptionally poor boundaries where the narcissist can "take over", "call the shots" (i.e. control), "make the decisions in your relationship" (i.e. dominate you) and "achieve more and more power" (i.e. watch you cave into every single one of their demands ... eventually - they keep testing how far you'll go without push-back)
But since this requires them not listening to you or caring what you are going through (and they really do not care), the relationship tends to have a "point of no return", because at some point the defenses you experience, "turning off their voice when they speak", having trauma symptoms when they push you to perform for them, not respecting your boundaries (almost no narcissists respect the boundaries of others), becomes a brain issue for you.
What happens to your brain is the beginning of PTSD symptoms, and it is the main reason why people stop listening to a narcissist, distance themselves from a narcissist, and leave narcissists.
Also being in one-sided conversations where you are not listened to, not heard, not understood, and where the other person is pushing their agenda on you is exhausting.
If you get a headache, stomach ache, feel tense and anxious, feel like your mind is drifting away from what they are saying or only absorbing parts of what they are saying, those are the beginning signs of PTSD. Feeling sad can also be part of these symptoms, though there are better remedies for sadness than for these other symptoms.
Here is a bit more on narcissists' strong tendency to listen and distort:
* Narcissists do not listen to understand; they listen through the filter of their ego.
* When you speak, they selectively absorb only what validates or threatens their inflated viewpoints, intelligence, opinions, views and feelings on subjects, and their self-image. They often twist your words to validate their own perspectives or angles or to rewrite reality. They often sound like politicians with an agenda to win arguments, or to win validation of their own views.
* Most narcissists operate with ego-filtered listening. They briefly listen to the facts you are presenting or your feelings, but they don't listen long enough; they try to find an angle, often interrupting and treating your words as an attack or personal criticism (narcissists rage when they feel criticized). They make it your fault that they don't listen to you, because they will take any disagreement of facts as an attack on their self esteem and feelings of grandiosity and control. In other words, they react emotionally when you present facts that differ from your theirs. And emotions from narcissists tend to be highly dysregulated.
* They indulge in "defensive editing": they find instant ways to edit what you said so that it aligns with their narrative (even if it is not what you said), or they take the opposite tack and edit your agenda so that they can villainize you. They often try to make a disagreement into an accusation about your character.
"You are crazy" is a common one. So is "You're too sensitive." So is "You're ungrateful for treating me this way" (over a disagreement of facts - keep that in mind). So is "You brought this upon yourself" if they try to punish you for disagreeing with them (punishments over disagreements are mostly reserved for malignant narcissists who can perceive any and all disagreements as a giant threat to their control over you, not just their ego). And note: the punishments can be severe.
* If you express hurt, they hear it as an accusation.
* They will almost always reframe what you are saying so that they can turn conversations into what they believe, or what they want to believe, or to attack your character.
* They often use the DARVO tactic to get you to question your own memory of the conversation, and so that they can play the victim if your facts are too strong, if the argument has caused a rift between you, if they unsuccessfully "lost" an argument, if they've punished you too severely over a disagreement.
Some of the reasons they do it:
* Exerting power, control and domination, and obtaining narcissistic supply is all that is important to them in relationships, and in any discourse. They are not happy unless they are managing and controlling other people, and getting away with distorting reality. If they feel any of this is slipping away and not advancing, they will make life very difficult for you and any other people who appear to "side with you".
* Admitting fault shatters their feelings of superiority and omnipotence, that they are the "strong leader" who can divide and conquer people, that they are the smartest person in every room, that they can manipulate any person with ease, that they can crash through any boundary (and for malignant narcissists, any legal boundary), that they can do things that most people can't do and that they deserve much more admiration and special treatment than other people do.
Seeing hypocrisy and entitlement in their actions is not acceptable to them: they play the victim, deflect, respond with hot or cold rages, or attempt to rationalize and make excuses for their behavior.
* In distorting reality, and trying to keep you off-balance. They feel they must maintain control over you by getting you on the defensive all of the time, trying to prove your point to deaf ears.
* For a narcissist, conversations are about "winning". In other words they see conversations as competitions with only one outcome: they are always right, and you're only right if you agree with them or coddle their distorted beliefs and attempts to distort reality. Otherwise, you are viewed as the enemy who is always wrong. For them conversations are a zero-sum game with only one outcome, and only one winner, them. And if they feel that they won't win, they will have a fit and resort to some form of attacks, emotional outbursts, or playing the victim.
What this means:
* Your belongings: a lot of malignant narcissists destroy your belongings, throw things away that are important to you, or sell them, or steal them.
* Your privacy: Most malignant narcissists do not feel you have a right to privacy. What that link reveals is that they really do believe that they own you, that they do not see you as a separate person, that you are like an employee or slave, and they are the boss or slave master. Whether they believe they are the boss or slave master has to do with whether they reward you for doing what they want. If they reward you, they see themselves as your boss, if they don't, they see you themselves as your slave master.
* Your home: malignant narcissists do not believe in the sanctity and protection of your home from them. They see it as another boundary to crash, or another challenge that they will see if they can invade. As far as they are concerned, your home is a boundary to overrun, to enter, to control and disrupt. They believe your home is their home because they feel they deserve it in their distorted perception that they are so superior that they have a right to be in it, or own property that is not theirs. This is true even when they cry like a baby if they experience a home invasion themselves.
Malignant narcissists push, and push, and push you to adopt their perspectives or threaten you that you will be put on their enemies list. The pressures to get you to give into them can be endless.
You can see why therapists would never suggest you stay in a relationship with a malignant narcissist. There is too much danger of quick and devastating escalations of abuse, and since malignant narcissists are usually sadists, you won't survive very well in any relationship with one. Most people go to domestic violence centers to get help assessing the dangers, and for drawing up plans of escape.
Things to remember: A lot of malignant narcissists are criminals.
They also want to punish you if you disagree with them. What that link reveals:
* They want total control over every person and every situation.
* They view any boundary to their desires as a major threat.
* They will never care about people they hurt; they will justify every invasion, every criminal offense, every law-breaking activity, even indulge in stalking or death threats if they feel it suits their agenda.
* They will use every arsenal at their disposal to weaken you, silence you, disenfranchise you, and to make you feel afraid of the consequences of "going against them" in any manner, even in opinions. Rage, intimidating others, planning revenges, fear-mongering, smear campaigns and sadism rule every malignant narcissist's thoughts.
WHEN OTHERS REFUSE TO LISTEN TO YOU
* Another person chronically not listening to you or silencing you makes you feel your safety is compromised (unless you have people in your life telling you that your voice is needed for a worthy cause). But still, you will not feel safe. People who do this often assume authority, that your visions, opinions, feelings, experiences, sense of safety and peace, and perhaps your very life do not matter (to them anyway). You will be able to tell if they are assuming authority because they will laugh at you, roll their eyes, or mock you when you talk. There will be a general atmosphere of bullying you, ordering you around, or smearing your reputation.
* Talking to them seems exhausting, with little or no acknowledgement of your viewpoints or feelings.
* Quiet resentment takes over. If they are putting you into a cycle of letting you talk, then not letting you talk, back to letting you talk, then not letting you talk, this puts the authority of "what will be talked about" totally in their hands, and never in yours. That's not a relationship; that's someone who is trying to have power over you, trying to control you and dominate you.
If they assume authority over every narrative, and every conversation, and expect you to give into them, this also shows heavy traits of narcissism in this person.
And warning: Punishing you by not letting you talk can turn into a scapegoating situation, where you will be targeted for the blame of "not keeping the peace". However, keeping the peace does not mean silencing yourself about important matters. It can mean you are free to bring up these important matters with others instead.
At any rate, you will probably not feel trusting or friendly with people who are not interested in what you have to say. This is normal.
In my view, however, they deserve politeness (a mild short form of friendliness and acknowledgement), as all human beings do.
If another person chronically does not want to hear what you have to say, and you are silenced a lot, and you are invalidated, you will probably experience the beginnings of PTSD or trauma symptoms. What that link reveals:
* The stress at the very least, will put your body through fight, flight or freeze reactions. The other person will be associated with giving you those symptoms as well.
* You will feel hypervigilant before or during interactions with the person.
* You may feel numb, hopeless, dizzy or exhausted after talking to them.
* Your mind may wander off of the topic they bring up and you'll feel a sense of heightened anxiety, and you may even experience your own thoughts taking over instead. The sadistic narcissists will enjoy seeing this in you, so beware.
* Physical symptoms like rapid heartbeat, stomach aches, and headaches may appear when around this person
* The brain views chronic silencing, especially of your feelings, as a threat to your survival. Even mild forms of "social outcasting" are generally viewed by the brain as "these people will not protect me and I'll be the first one sacrificed when the group is attacked" - it comes from our human past when people lived in tribes, and where relationships built on safety and trust in one another were a "must".
It may be beneficial not to become too attached to people who chronically refuse to listen to what you say, or who refuse to listen to important matters (such as your safety). If you are emotionally attached, you may find that your emotions and mind start detaching more and more, that you stop sharing, that your sense of trust and safety begin to lower, that your respect for the other person lessens, and your anxiety heightens. If this person dominates a group, finding your own group becomes important as "the alarms" in your mind that you are not safe with this person are real.
* Over time, the chronic stress of being around such a person can effect everyday activities and mere chores, putting your mind in fight, flight and freeze reactions even when there is no one in your immediate environment who is silencing your voice or emotions. The mind also "re-lives" these kinds of adverse experiences in nightmares and in waking reality as well. Your mind is often called upon to review troublesome situations you are in.
People who want to control and dominate you, and do not care about you or your feelings count as a "troublesome situation".
Solutions:
* If your symptoms seem to have a life of their own and you cannot control them, trauma therapy may be able to help.
* Limiting or ending engagement with the person is always a road you can take too.
* Telling your story to others who show consistent care of your feelings and insights is better than talking to people who do not care about you.
* Feel free to express yourself in other ways and with other people. It is not wise to keep talking to people who are not willing to listen, who are not willing to consider other people's points of view, or feelings, who assume authority over you or others even though you haven't given them permission to have authority, who don't care about you or others ... these people will never have your best interests at heart, and dare I say it, probably no one who disagrees with them.
You have a right not to listen to them, even though, I bet, they will not like it, and insist that their voice, their desires, their way of looking at situations, their impetus to over-run you, shout your voice out of existence, over-dominate your voice is "their right". However, I doubt anyone's voice matters to them with this attitude, accept agreeing with them.
This is to say that if it is "chronic", or over dire issues, it is more of a "them problem" than a "you problem".
No one has the right to authorize a leadership position over you if you don't want it. You have a right to reject their leadership any time you want, and you are not a bad person for doing so.
