Part I is suggested before you read this post.
This post is Part II, and the end of the series.
Like the first part, you may want to read this a section at a time. It is long because I was finding so much that was relevant to the topic, at least for a deep understanding of it. I prefer to go in deeply because I know that family scapegoats read these posts, and most of them usually want as much information they can get.
However, independence of mind is not always adopted, or adopted after childhood years, as some commenters of Part I said.
When I delved deeper, it appears that scapegoat children want to please their parent, and even try to for awhile, but eventually get exhausted and depressed, or they realize there is a "scapegoat agenda", and then try less.
Since child neglect can end up as family scapegoating, the brain of a scapegoat is going to take those messages as "I need to be 'hyper-independent'" - what this link reveals is that safety comes from self reliance, not asking a parent for help (because asking for help often adds to "further blame and rejection"), and that taking care of parents or siblings (parentification - often the only way scapegoats are accepted) pushes them into even more self-reliancy. Independent self-reliancy can lead to a narcissistic parent emotionally abandoning the child. - what this link reveals is this quote from Google AI: "Narcissistic parents often view children as extensions of themselves rather than independent individuals, creating conflict when children display autonomy, independent thought, or separate needs" and these quotes: "Narcissistic parents view children as property or tools to boost their own image, rather than autonomous people ... They often refuse to acknowledge the child’s personal thoughts, needs, or desires, expecting the child to exist solely to serve them ... Independent thinking or success by the child can be seen as a threat or competition rather than a source of pride."
The "profound loneliness" they find in a family who won't take care of them or accept their full membership eventually leads many scapegoats to adopt "no contact".
The "independence of mind" is largely because of, and in response to, the narcissist's indulgence in chronic lying (a core narcissistic trait, meaning almost all narcissists take up lying, along with gaslighting). The parent uses lying to avoid accountability, manipulate and control people to do what they want (coercion), to brainwash others, to control environments they are in, to control how others perceive them, to gain allies and run smear campaigns against a scapegoat, and to protect their ego from fall-out.
Once the lying is detected, the scapegoat child will begin to minimize, lose respect and sometimes barely hear what the parent has to say (another link and even when the parent is telling the truth). This is to say that scapegoats mostly think their own thoughts, have their own opinions, avoid, or involuntarily shut down their hearing, especially when the narcissistic parent is trying to convince them of something, or to manipulate, or when the parent is in the mood of criticizing or bruising the self esteem of the scapegoat.
PTSD and C-PTSD comes with "triggers", and one of the responses of being triggered is dissocation, as opposed to say, hypervigilence and high anxiety where there seems to be an imminent threat and the blood pressure and heartbeat go up. Dissociation tends to go in the opposite direction and "often coincides with a decrease in autonomic nervous system arousal, which can lead to lower blood pressure."
Being highly pressured to accept a lie as a truth, and the truth as a lie can also be part of a "collapse and submit response" (another link) with shallow breathing, low heart rate, and numbness, but usually this is in cases where the child is in a severe depression from trauma and where they have a mindset where they feel they cannot change their circumstances (i.e. "learned helplessness").
It's as if the brain cannot take any more lying and gaslighting and decides to shut down or "collapse" into an auto-pilot type of compliance.
These are topics I'll discuss in a lot more detail when I start the trauma section.
The unfortunate aspect of being a scapegoat and being so skeptical of people's motivations and what they say is that you aren't likely to trust many other people either, again because of "PTSD triggers", which most scapegoats experience.
It is especially hard to make a campaign out of convincing scapegoats.
Many scapegoats find that they put themselves in a detective role, out to find the truth instead.
Scapegoats have an enormous capacity to work hard and creatively, but the thing that holds many of them back is the dichotomy-no-win situation of knowing they have to be successful to survive (and many scapegoats like to challenge the family's narratives about them anyway), but they can also associate being exceptional as rejectable by the family especially, however it can be carried over into other relationships unconsciously (to avoid rejection in close personal relationships). Some scapegoats down-play their successes by not bringing up work, by avoiding discussions about success, by trying to make their careers sound dull, by downplaying their talents - all to avoid the envy and competitions of family, friends and a spouse.
Which is to say that some scapegoats aren't necessarily aware that most people aren't out to hurt their chances at success.
However, by the scapegoat downplaying, they are also "giving in" to some version of the scapegoat role, so the double bind can feel very uncomfortable. To make money in some professions, you have to stand out. But if you stand out, you may invite envy, jealousy, sabotage, competition and revenge for being successful. And this is the dilemma of a lot of scapegoats to the point of anxiety, and sometimes hypervigilence, as success can invite attacks.
It can leave scapegoats feeling frozen: fear of being rejected because they are a scapegoat, and fear of being successful because someone might sabotage it. Most family scapegoats are used to family members sabotaging them because "successful scapegoat" doesn't fit in with the usual scapegoat narrative of being incompetent, crazy, no good at anything, useless, and at fault for everything. Narcissists are also profoundly jealous and competitive, and when their jealousy and competitivenss is taken to the level of sabotage, isolating the scapegoat from all support, trying to wreck the self esteem and prospects of their scapegoat (extremely common) it usually has to do with their shame. Narcissists don't have a healthy relationship with shame, so they feel they must dump shame on their scapegoat and ruin their prospects. A scapegoat without prospects, without successes, will lessen the shame in the narcissist (they get to feel great about themselves by telling themselves and everyone they know that the scapegoat is the "shameful one" instead).
Although rejection feels horrible at the time a scapegoat goes through it, sometimes a complete discard can put a scapegoat on a path where they become unusually successful because they know they won't be hoovered back by the family or accept any kind of hoovering maneuvers from the family. Some narcissistic families are too dangerous or toxic to go back to, and if there is or was a lot of sabotage by the family, they don't want to experience that again either.
They most likely have gotten very little care from their family anyway, at least without lots of strings attached - what this link reveals is that they are, in essence, "orphans with living parents". I think any scapegoat can relate to that quote.
You'd think that with all of the psychological bullying, and family members trying all sorts of ways to wreck the family scapegoat's self esteem, that scapegoats would be chronically sad, unable to survive or thrive, that "bombing them out" of care, peace, comfort, plus taking up sabotage, and taking a wrecking ball to their self esteem, and giving them a refugee status, that they'd be hopeless failures, but more often than not, at least in terms of what I see, they often are victorous instead, especially if they can keep to "no contact".
There are some amazing success stories of scapegoats, and I wish I could share them with you, but I don't have permission at this time. Maybe I will eventually. What I can say is that they resemble what happened to Elizabeth Barrett Browning who I brought up in Part I.
Anyway, before "no contact" or "complete discard" by the family itself, most scapegoats have a difficult relationship with their own success if they were in a narcissistic home because narcissists look at all of this as a threat:
* that attention will go away from them and on to their child
* that a successful scapegoat is a threat to the "constructed family narrative" that the scapegoat is too inferior, crazy, craven, stupid, doomed to failure and too inept to be successful - and then the family tries to make it stick
* that it's a threat to their "constructed" narrative that they are superior
* that it's a threat to their ability to control the scapegoat and use them as the trash can for blaming and shaming
* that there is a threat of exposure to the truth of how the family treated the scapegoat (this is especially true if the scapegoat is in the public eye).
What that link also says is this quote from Glynnis Sherwood:
"While other siblings (such as the Golden Child) may be encouraged to succeed, the scapegoat is expected to remain in a state of failure to validate the narcissist's low opinion of them."
So after a childhood with all of these elements, it's no wonder that you become wary of "tooting your own horn" and having an attitude that "I can do anything" and "get a job in my field." And many scapegoats start out that way, but because so many of them are innately talented and smart, they can eventually reach heights in their profession whether they actively sought it or not.
In Rebecca Mandeville, MFT's book, Rejected, Shamed and Blamed, a book about "family scapegoating abuse", she talks about how many scapegoats go through "imposter syndrome" at first.
So, what is "imposter syndrome"? Here is an explanation from Google AI (partial):
Imposter syndrome is a psychological experience where individuals doubt their skills and accomplishments, fearing they will be "exposed" as a fraud. Despite external evidence of their success, those affected often attribute their achievements to luck or timing rather than genuine ability.
And even if you don't have imposter syndrome, I'd bet you have some "brakes"on your success. Many scapegoats have said, even publicly, that the more successful they became, the more cruel or sabotaging their family members got. Some of the common things that are said to scapeoats are hese: "You must have cheated on that test to get an 'A'!", "You had to sleep with the boss to get to the top of your profession!", "I really don't care what your successes are! Here, throw out the garbage!", "You don't need to be successful! You're fine just the way you are!", "You don't need to get out of poverty. Poverty suits you!", "A dip-sh&t like you got a reward!? In what? Stupidity!? Bwahahaha!"
In other words, they wanted their scapegoat just the way they were when they were little, taking all of the family's crap, and being cut out of family resources, family gatherings, and family communications. Most narcissistic families want their scapegoats isolated and alone so that they can control them more. If the scapegoat dares to protest the injustice, they are called crazy for reacting to it, are punished over the emotions they have, and often there is an increase of isolating and shunning of the scapegoat. These families also want outsiders thinking the scapegoat is crazy and inept so that the scapegoat is never heard or taken seriously about what they endured, and what they achieved afterwards.
In fact, many scapegoats stop trying to talk to people in their family, and if they can and aren't always grounded and isolated from human contact, they develop their own relationships and sometimes even minimize the importance of these relationships to the family so that they won't be sabotaged by the family.
* "Oh, you poor thing. You've got something coming if you want to be friends with my sister." - talking about a scapegoat sister.
* "You can have my brother. No one likes him around."
* "You want to marry my sister? Oh, you poor bastard!"
* "You're in love with my brother? Why on earth would you choose someone like him when there are so many better choices out in the world?"
And then many siblings who want the family resources for themselves prefer it if the scapegoat gets "rejected".
"Rejected, Shamed and Blamed." - yup. Scapegoating is almost always a whole family affair.
Some scapegoats are rejected through chronic silent treatments, or the cycle of abuse ("love bomb, devalue, discard"). Many of these are "fake discards", of course, made to indimidate the scapegoat "back into role", to get them into a pleading mode and accepting the blame for the family member's abuse of them. It's meant to terrorize and install panic in the scapegoat. However, most scapegoats, feeling the constant rejections, their siblings contempt and bullying, and the stress of constant cycles of being "thrown out" of the family until they crawl back to beg and submit is incredibly manipulative, and "disgusting" to any scapegoat with morals or any self dignity, and most people do not like being manipulated especially in this way - this link mentions how it is a betrayal of self and gives too much power to the abusive person.
However, "walking on eggshells" after they do plead, beg and submit is also more likely than not to get the scapegoat rejected again over smaller and smaller issues. It tends to happen over and over again because abuse escalates and the abuser/tyrant tends to keep trying new ways to abuse power to see what they can get away with) - these links are worth looking at.
This shows that trying to appease abusers is a "no-win" situation, even if the abuser tells you that if you work harder for their approval and affection, they'll abuse you less or reject you less. - those kinds of conditions are never worthwhile, rarely true, and you can see that it puts relief from abuse and escalation of abuse in their hands solely over any little situation of their choosing.
Narcissists will always escalate abuse if they feel that any of the power you have given them is starting to erode away. - that link also points out how dangerous they can be. If the whole family is part of it, then double, triple, quadruple the dangers, depending on how many family members are backing the narcissistic parent.
Enough studies have been done on individuals who abuse their children and partners and it follows this particular pattern just about every single time unless these individuals get distracted by something else that seems in need of conquering. Narcissists and sociopaths tend to think that if you are still in a relationship with them, that you want to enable their behavior and put up with them, that you are getting some transactional benefit out of them to stay. The thought process here is: "If she didn't want to enable it, she'd walk away, or fight me to gain power over me. But she knows she'd lose the fight because I have a lot more power and hierarchy than she does, and she knows I'd make life miserable for her, so frankly I can treat her any way I want", and if they've grown up as a golden child you can add in: "and my parents have shown me that I'm better than anyone else, and I know I'm way better than her because I have so much more power, including power over her, and my family is pouring resouces into me and not my sibling(s), and frankly I deserve to get anything I want out of her, my parents, or any other people."
In order to stop enabling all of this, including the usual escalation processes of them raging and abusing over minutae, and their transactional thinking style, you basically have to walk away. Otherwise you will be complaining to deaf ears about how they treat you. They like the way they treat you; otherwise they wouldn't be doing it.
So what are they getting out of it?
What they get out of it is way more power and control than they ever thought possible. They only live for power and control in relationships, as well as narcisistic supply - getting good and bad attention. It's all they care about and complaints about their behavior are seen as a nuisance, and "how dare you!" grandiose stances, or a reason to walk away and not listen to you, or rage at you and blame you even more.
Scapegoats often decide, because they are being abused by this kind of behavior the most, that they have to put their rejectability into their own hands by leaving the family and trying to make it on their own in a less panic-oriented, less contemptuous-filled, stressful environment. And almost any work environment is better than what they endured as a child (which is just one reason why scapegoats thrive in work).
Regardless, what a horrible way to treat children, and most people who find out about the truth of the horrors agree. The only thing that scares narcissists is being revealed, and getting a bad reputation. Nothing else stops the trajectory of abuse. However, like a lot of abuse victims (and like the victims in Jeffrey Epstein's circle), victims often just try to move on instead of putting the spotlight on their abusers. Not focusing on the abuser also keeps the victim a lot safer.
The call to heal, the call to live a life of peace, to live a life less starved of respect, politeness and love is why most scapegoats put their own fate into their own hands - and no longer leave it up to their families to decide that. If you've mostly always received abuse, insults, lies and invalidations, it will continue.
Deciding "not to enable" or "give in" also tells the abusive family that they will not push the scapegoat around any more. And maybe it keeps some narcissistic parents from pushing another scapegoat around to the extent that they pushed around the original scapegoat.
At any rate, the family can no longer tell the original scapegoat what to do, and how to act, and what to say to "please the parent and family". "Pleasing behaviors" are given up and if scapegoats go into therapy, they are largely encouraged to give up plaasing behaviors as well. And frankly, after awhile, most scapegoats have no stomach to please their families, and many view them as evil.
Even their bodies and brains tend to view these people as evil: high anxiety in their presence, an onslaught of physical symptoms in their company, involuntary spacing out/distracted by other thoughts when they talk, an inability to tolerate any more lies, blame-shifting, silent treatments, sabotage, and all of the tactics narcissists are known for - it just reaches a dead end.
Hiding out, or moving to undisclosed locations, or trying to make themselves small and invisible so that the narcissist doesn't pick on them, or going to self help groups to find a community, or clinging to people or communities who are invested in their well being and safety from any more narcissistic abuse, is what some scapegoats decide.
Professional mental health practitioners who specialize in abuse almost always make the suggestions to "save yourself instead of focusing on the family." That's the bright light of hope that most scapegoats go towards, and it helps when you're trying to escape on your own.
However, the family pressures to be a sycophant will always be there. I do think the attacks that the scapegoat continues to have long after they have left has to do with trying to apply continued pressure to be a sycophant. Many of these kinds of families actually dream about forcibly taking over the scapegoat's life again in some way, including making sabotaging decisions for them, home invasions, showing up in a hospital room when they are sick and when their presence is clearly not wanted, trying to get them incarcerated with trumped up chargses, trying to see if they can institutionalize the scapegoat, showing up at a funeral when the scapegoat's partner or child has died - the myriad of situations to make their scapegoat uncomfortable, to try to make a scapegoat feel constantly bullied, afraid and "hunted down" are largely the actions that they take.
If the police have a record of intrusions, stalking, stealing, intimidating or threatening e-mails or texts to hurt you (common), or they have committed crimes against you, they are so unlikely to ever have control over you again.
Some family members will still try, but they are likely to be ineffective.
As far as a narcissistic family is concerned, if you are not controlled by them, they will often perceive that you are a danger to them. It's why they indulge so much in smear campaigns and false narratives if you've left.
In one horrific story I heard, one scapegoat made a successful escape. But when her hussband died, her family love bombed her and invited her to live in a small house on the family compound to deal with her grief. They made many promises to treat her better, that they understood why she left the family, that she would be "safe now".
Then the family went to work on her.
They destroyed everything she had accumulated during her marriage, as if it was a sin or an abberation of their wishes that she sought a life without them. They even destroyed all of the photographs of her with her deceased husband. They saw her husband as a block to their control of her, and were not going to accept any part of him or his memory in the family or into this small house they let her live in. They told her that it was necessary for the family to destroy that part of her life so that she, and them, could forget those years, heal from her abberation of getting married against their will, and move on. It was like they took ownership of her. They told her what to do every minute of every day. And the scapegoating abuse began again, only so much worse. The smear campaigns were almost all lies - very little truth in them, or just enough not to raise too many suspicions. She was isolated from any support from her past life and visitors were told that she was "not available" and "not mentally well" and therefore not up to seeing anyone.
She said she was being punished for getting married.
She felt suicidal in that state, without her loving husband who helped to shield her against their control and abuse, but narcissistic families do not care if a member feels suicidal. "If you hadn't defied us, you wouldn't be be feeling this way!" - of course they will make it her fault that she is feeling this way (blame-shifting is very common and even crazy-making in narcissistic families; and blaming is taken to extreme levels).
It didn't surprise me, the fake care, the broken promises, the luring, only to punish her for having any sort of life or thought besides them, the suicidal feelings she had afterwards, but I was also horrified as I reaziled that "going back" often means this kind of a life.
Unfortunately suicide can be the ultimate way of getting out of the scapegoat role for good. Narcissistic families tend to have higher rates of suicide than other kinds of families. But narcissistic families are so cruel that if the scapegoat does commit suicide some family members will say "she deserved to die", at least amongst themselves, but pretend to feel enormous grief in front of non-family members (acting is very common in narcissistic families).
There is a saying going around that if a relationship is chronically painful, it's not a real relationship (i.e. it's not built on trust, safety, warmth, love, care, intimacy, affection, compromise, commitment and understanding, the things that most relationships are). - note that narcissists do not break these things; they were never in relationships committed to any of this in the first place. They might have pretended they were "to soften you up" to manipulate you, but most narcissists are only in relationships for power, domination and control and to achieve that, they almost always feel they have to "go abusive" on you to get these things.
Usually abuse goes hand-in-hand with power, control and domination - they are not separate from one another.
I think this says that if you want a relationship that is mutually loving, caring, safe, warm, understanding and commitment-oriented, and for scapegoats some modicum of politeness and respect, you aren't going to find it in a narcissist or in a narcissistic family system - that link says that narcissistic families are "structured around control and self-interest", period.
That realization also paves the way to leave.
I saw the woman's story about "going back" to a narcissistic family as as a cautionary tale. It helped to prove to me that they will never give up on putting you in a scapegoat role with hopes of sycophancy, and if it gets to the stage where you willingly go back, even over false promises and pretenses, even with every single promise broken, even with such a huge escalation of narcissistic emotional abuse, the police, lawyers and the justice system won't be able to do much of anything for you because of "your willingness" to go back.
It showed me that you have to leave for good, and build a case that you don't want them in your life at all, and to keep reiterating that they are cruel and aggressive (and that would most likely be true anyway) that you will resist their "sweet talk" and overtures at every turn.
This story should also partly explain why scapegoats cannot afford to be sycophants, or people "who go back". I've already said in Part I, family scapegoats tend to have self-disgust when they give into sycophantic-like behavior because it's not safe for them to have it, as the story above reveals. It would come to reason that why a scapegoat becomes "independent-minded" is a direct result of being assigned a scapegoat of the parent, but again, the narcissist doesn't see the "cause and effect" (again, the blindness to what other people go through can be severe).
What this means is that narcissists have a fixed trait of "having to have a sycophant" and "trying every coercion tactic possible in their arsenal to get one" out of a scapegoat who has a fixed trait of having "an independent mind not easily or ever coerced".
It has to do partly with having to endure the pressure to be a scapegoat (with a mind and body that is involuntary resistant to, and figthing against submission as a result of the burden of the scapegoat role - of being forced to take on family member's traits and sins) and endure their abuse and control.
When boiled down, it is as if the narcissistic parent is saying "I have the fixed trait of absolutely being entitled to have a scapegoat, and you're going to be it whether you like it or not" and the scapegoat is saying "You can't have me as your scapegoat because I have the fixed trait of being resistant to that role or even hearing much of what you have to say, let alone follow it."
"Even when I insult you, it doesn't motivate you?"
"No, I'm blanking out on what you have to say. You're using insults as a hammer anyway, and they are the same ones each time, year after year, decade after decade, and it's not a brilliant, thoughtful analysis into my character, or even true. Because of this, you won't hear me, and I won't hear you. You need to back off and go back to your mirror and not expect me to be your 'Echo'." (note: Echo was the silent woman who loved Narcissus even though Narcissus only loved his own reflection and ignored her except if she was also admiring his reflection).
However, are sycophants disgusted with non-sycophants as much as scapegoats are disgusted with sycophants? Yes. Here is what this Google AI article has to say about it:
And this is how sycophancy and a lack of empathy become normalized in most narcissistic families. Here is the Google AI version of this link:
The normalization of sycophancy, and even the tradition of becoming a sycophant, enables narcissistic families to think there is something wrong with a child or an adult child who is not magically turning into one themselves. I honestly think that is why and how scapegoats are called "crazy".
* "You must be crazy for not being a sycophant! What is wrong with you!? Don't you know sycophants get rewarded? Get in line!"
* "You must be dangerously crazy if you're not a sycophant! We brought you up right, to respect your elders, and to sublimate to the wishes of the family. Why is your mind so independent? Why do you have to try everything out to see if I'm wrong or not? Why won't you trust everything I say?"
* "You can't be serious. You've been following orders and now you think you can buck them!? What happened to you?! Such crazy unwarranted behavior!"
* "Why do you care if other people are being hurt? Why don't you care about me enough to be a sycophant!? Our feelings should matter more! You are hurt when you become punished for being insubordinate?! What about us for being hurt by your insubordinant behavior? When did we become your enemy!?"
* "We've been controlling you and disciplining you since you were a child! What has changed since then? Now all of a sudden you want to buck our control at age 55? You know, you won't get an inheritance if you decide to become insubordinate! There are consequences for your actions!"
Anything is used as an excuse for why the scapegoat doesn't get an inheritance (that's a Google AI link, but here's another link to my own article). Even when the scapegoat stays in the family and tries to be sycophantic, they are disinherited, so who is kidding who here? In fact, it's the only weapon they have and narcissistic families use anything as a weapon to produce absolute compliance about everything - that particular link talks about the "weaponization" of financial and social resources particularly, as well as bullying the lowest on the family hierarchy into accepting their low status. According to narcssistic family hierarchiarchical thinking, scapegoats are supposed to tolerate being last in every way. I'd even say that the hierarchy goes something like this, using Bowen Family Systems theory: golden child first, mascot second, lost child third, scapegoat last.
However, do narcissists feel punished by a scapegoat's independence? Apparently yes. Here's some revelations brought up in that linked article:
* It Disrupts the Narrative: The narcissist needs to feel superior and in control. A scapegoat’s independent, successful life threatens the narrative that the scapegoat is a "failure" or "broken".
Ultimately, the punishment is not because the scapegoat is doing wrong, but because they are doing right and living outside the control of the narcissist.
There isn't "enough" for most family scapegoats to stay in this kind of a family system anyway (again they are starved even of politeness, dignified helpful responses, truth, affection, no one listens to them, and there is no understanding of what they are going through). Narcissists tend to be a chronic disappointment even in non-scapegoating relationships because they aren't invested. But when they add in scapegoating and being used for rage, insults, abuse, exploitation, and taking a wrecking ball to their scapegoat's self esteem, it has gone way beyond simple feelings of disappointment. Some members become dangerous to the scapegoat, especially in making sure the exclusion is complete (i.e. it is highly likely that some member will make the case that the family scapegoat should be fully and completely rejected).
It's a wonder scapegoats stay as long as they do, frankly. This has to do with why, when scapegoats break away, which they are likely to do, they tend to change pretty drastically after a long grieving process has ended. They tend to graduate from living in a cloud of depression, and it is in this constant state of sadness, depression and the bigotry they endure which drives them to be independent, or suicidal, most choosing independence.
They also tend to let the truth out. Finally, a way to stop stuffing what they have gone through for a lifetime!
You can see this on a grand scale too: a leader of a country decides to invade another country - he wants what he wants.
Perhaps he wants everything in that country, to control it absolutely, even to be worshipped for his invasion. And like any narcissist he goes after it without thinking about how it will affect others, the risks, the loss of life, the loss of infrastructure, the dangers to his public standing in the world or in his own country. He expects the citizens of the other country to admire, submit, capitulate, comply, cave in, and be grateful to "his highness" (gratitude for invasion is where you would find the unrealistic grandiosity of narcissists).
But you'll notice that a lot of people are willing to fight for their autonomy from this tyrant. These are the scapegoats of the tyrant. They can, and do, eventually find ways to out-smart tyrants because tyrants are predictable in terms of reactions and ways they fight to get their own way, and even the sycophants who support them can get lazy, self serving, entitled, uninterested in winning an invasion, and only interested in self-pampering.
And guess what? Often the "sycophants" around tyrants get to be "independent-minded pretend sycophants". It's a rare mind that agrees with what ever a tyrant wants, perceives and lies about. Most people do not like following tyrants, even if they feel they must "out of fear", or because they perceive they have no support because everyone around them is either another sycophant or an enabler, or because they feel they would be isolated and hated if they weren't a sycophant. Some do it over a desire for "being rewarded by the tyrant", or to the point where sycophancy becomes "co-bullying", rather than more simple types of silent enabling.
What is going on in the tyrant is that he wants mirrors: people who agree with him on everything, and people who capitulate to his desires and whims, and people who will put him on a pedastal.
As for invasions, it doesn't always work out in terms of the way narcissists expect it to. Fantasies don't always become realities, and they are less likely to with scapegoats. In fact, the more aggressive the narcissist becomes, it usually means the scapegoat becomes more independent and develops coping mechanisms that are more creative to ward off the constant attacks. They also become quite a bit less sychopantic, more safety-oriented, more about preserving country, culture, family and themselves. They don't want a trauma-bonded relationship with the invaders (capitulating all of the time). Survival becomes more about following their own instincts than about following people.
That's what is going on between the narcissist and scapegoat too. The scapegoat usually isn't anything to a narcissistic parent either except in terms of whether the scapegoat can be molded into a "a grateful, prostating, pleasing sycophant".
FROM PART ONE OF THE MAIN ARTICLE
Here is more from the article I started to comment on from PART I (written in the same dark red, with links to other articles in blue, and my own comments in black). The original article is THIS ONE (although Google AI can change its articles if more researchers publish articles on a particular subject).
Key Reasons for Resistance
Forced Independence: Scapegoats are denied the nurturing and support available to other family members (e.g., the "golden child"). This emotional abandonment forces them to develop self-reliance and an independent sense of self, making them less likely to seek external validation through flattery or excessive compliance later in life.
Again, since family scapegoats must foster independence, does their brain change? Yes. So let us explore this a bit more. But first the link points to this Google AI article:
Yes, being a family scapegoat can lead to significant changes in brain structure and function due to the chronic, systemic stress of the role. This experience often fosters a "fierce independence" as a survival mechanism, which further shapes neurological pathways.
Neurological and Psychological Brain Changes
Years of being the target of family projections and blame can lead to the following changes:
* Heightened Hypervigilance: The constant need to defend against unjust blame or anticipate conflict keeps the brain in a state of high alert (hypervigilance). This often correlates with an overactive amygdala, the brain's fear center.
* Complex Trauma (C-PTSD): Chronic scapegoating is a primary driver for C-PTSD. This condition impacts the brain’s ability to regulate emotions, often leading to intense mood swings or a persistent sense of emptiness.
* Distorted Self-Perception: The brain may "internalize" the family's negative narrative, physically wiring the mind to default to self-blame, shame, and a feeling of being "inherently bad".
* Enhanced Intuition: Some survivors develop a highly tuned ability to "read the room" and decipher others' needs as a safety measure, essentially sharpening the brain's social and emotional processing centers for survival.
The Role of Independence and Recovery
The independence forced upon a scapegoat is often a double-edged sword:
* Protective Armor: Independence acts as a survival mechanism that helps the scapegoat "peek behind the curtain" and question the family's reality.
* Neuroplasticity and Healing: While the brain is shaped by trauma, it can also be "rewired" through intentional practices. Techniques like meditation and trauma-informed psychotherapy (such as CBT or Family Systems Therapy) are used to build new, healthier neural pathways based on self-compassion and truth rather than family projections.
* Cycle Breaking: As a "cycle breaker," the scapegoat's brain eventually shifts from survival-based independence to an authentic identity, reclaiming their sense of self-worth and reality.
What happens when a scapegoat leaves narcissists (and their "fixed traits" of control, scapegoating, gaslighting, blaming and shaming)?
They can begin to let go of defenses. The symptoms of C-PTSD may start to slowly, very slowly, become less of a disability.
All of the defense mechanisms meant to shield and survive narcissistic abuse can start to soften too. Trauma therapy and learning how narcissists behave from domestic violence therapists helps to shed the scapegoat role over time.
A new life starts to emerge out of a scapegoat role. It is bound to be about authenticity, healing, cycle-breaking, talking about what happened, and a high motivation to seek peace in ones own life and the lives of others.
C-PTSD means, in this context, a chronic lack of peace along with not being able to heal because of the constant scapegoating, gaslighting and abuse.
Once face-to-face scapegoating with gaslighting disappears from everyday life, clarity of mind often becomes the new reality. Part of what happens when scapegoats are gaslighted is this: the parent tries to convince the child that they are insane for not believing them, for not following orders about believing them, for not following their orders in general, and for not looking at abusers as superior beings.
The narcissistic parent is trying to convince a child who is abused that something is wrong with them for not praising their abusers and looking at them as admirable, justified commanders, justified lovers of other people, justifified "superiors at all times" - however there are a minority of scapegoats who believe this about any abuser. These scapegoats can also believe they are so flawed that this is all that they deserve, but for most scapegoats I have known over the years, the conclusion goes in the opposite direction, i.e. away from being gaslighted and even with all of attepts to convince them that they don't deserve better, they do think they deserve better.
In other words, they believe that abusers are not admirable, are not justified in commanding or of being worshipped, that abusers are not lovers or loving, and that the "I am superior" lectures of abusers are irritating, untrue, hollow and transparent, and just grandiose statements to make them feel better about themselves (more of an "emporor with no clothes" kind of thinking in terms of superiority fantasies).
In fact with enough gaslighting, independence tends to deepen because gaslighting is about manipulating and playing with reality and is in direct conflict with authenticity, truth-telling, independent thought, and being accountable for ones own mistakes and weaknesses. The whole premise of the narcissistic family is that everyone but the scapegoat is "perfect", without a single flaw, without any weaknesses at all, always upright and proper, and most scapegoats don't believe it partly because they see behind closed doors the opposite of it. The other reason they don't believe it is that they don't respect the ethics of arrogant bombastic people who gaslight and abuse, and who are sycophants to others who gaslight and abuse.
Escaped scapegoats deeply crave authenticity in themselves and in others, and after being denied "reality" from the narcissist who manufactures narratives, and gaslight-y fantasies, unadulterated reality can be exceptionally compelling and feel very different because there are no more comments and invalidations about what a scapegoat is experiencing. This is another way independence deepens.
Apparently it's very hard to brainwash the majority of scapegoats.
Frankly, it feels like getting out of a cramped jail. You notice things more, the nuances of nature, the nuances of conversations, the breath of fresh air at not being called insane at all, the nuances of other people's feelings, the nuances of animals' feelings, all of the sounds and sights seem clearer and all of it is so captivating and riveting, leading to evermore independence.
However, it doesn't always work this way even if does for most scapegoats.
I have a friend with C-PTSD who said she can look right into the eye of an animal, and understand the essence of that animal (what they are feeling, thinking, their instincts, their motivations, their needs), but when it comes to humans, they look away from direct gaze, and prefer looking away because they prefer to be with animals and not people. I would say this person is not healed yet, but what do I know, since it is a preference she likes to keep? And she does take care of a lot of animals and it is what gives her the most joy in life.
But I also think it is part of having been a scapegoat, that you are deemed to be so weird (the gaslighting which makes you highly sensitive to the moods of others to the point of being on high alert to manipulative behaviors in others your entire childhood) that you don't feel like one of the human species. Perhaps scapegoats are neurotypical or neurodivergent in some way. Perhaps their independence of thought, noncomformity, deep appreciation for truth-telling, creativity and justice, and the propensity to become CPTSD-triggered by commands and bossy individuals, bullying individuals, predatory individuals, grandiose individuals, power-hungry individuals as well as loud noises and shouting could make them neurotypical or neurodivergent?
Scapegoats become very aware of individuals who want a "power over" kind of relationship, more than other individuals who aren't as hip to the love bombing tactics and persuasion tactics of narcissists. Scapegoats often possess a heightened awareness of power tactics and abuse, both within and outside their original dysfunctional systems, thus leading them to be justice seekers.
As far as justice-seeking goes, here is part of the Google AI article on that:
In 2026, psychological and family systems theory continues to identify a strong correlation between the role of a "scapegoat" and justice-seeking traits. In dysfunctional systems—such as narcissistic families or toxic workplaces—the individual chosen as the scapegoat is frequently the one most likely to question injustice, speak the truth, and refuse to comply with manipulative group norms.
Most of the general population is not nearly as aware of it, or sensitive to it, or as compassionate to people who are being harmed by power imbalances as scapegoats are. Nor will most people go to bat from someone being harmed by power imbalances as much as scapegoats will (generally speaking). All of this can set them up to become scapegoated again, in new environments.
Anyway, reality without gaslighting is very likely to feel a lot different, more "opening", less anxiety (like a lense opening to become more panoramic). - the link points, in part, to this phrase: "Greater Cognitive Openness: By removing the mental energy spent navigating a false reality, your focus shifts to curiosity and growth, allowing for a more open mind." The result is often more self confidence - that is also brought up.
It's a wonderful, deeply positive and empowering feeling, and it is also why scapegoats don't usually want to go back to narcissists who gaslight. Besides, gaslighting becomes highly triggering for scapegoats with C-PTSD.
Now back to the article's main points in Part I:
Strong Moral Compass: Scapegoats are constantly exposed to hypocrisy, as they bear the blame for the actual dysfunction within the system. This firsthand experience with injustice can lead to a strong moral compass and a desire for truth, which is fundamentally at odds with the deceitful nature of sycophancy.
While some sycophants function out of fear of retribution from the narcissist, other sycophants are in a relationship with a narcissist for rewards.
If the narcissist loses all of their money, or power, it's pretty likely that the "rewarded sycophant" will lose interest in the narcissist and walk away. That tells you where a sycophant's head is at.
With all of what is at stake from sycophants, including sycophants abandoning the narcissist when the narcissist is at a point where they can no longer afford rewarding, they still want sycophants. Go figure.
Perhaps their brains are so wired for transactional relationships that they can't imagine anything more than that.
So while scapegoats see the deceit and unethical natures of sycophants, why would they want to be one of those? The answer is: they don't want to be sycophants.
However, narcissists will never understand why a person would not want to be their sycophant. The Google AI article that this link goes to points out reasons as to why narcissists can't quite believe that some people exist do not want to be their sycophant:
Narcissists often struggle to understand why anyone would refuse to be their sycophant because their psychological makeup depends on external validation to maintain a fragile self-image. In their worldview, people are often viewed not as independent individuals with their own needs, but as "actors" or objects meant to serve their requirements for admiration and control.
In other words, they cannot understand why anyone would want to be independent in a relationship with them, or independent of a relationship with them. Here is where arrogance, entitlement and beliefs-over-reality bind together to create blindness in narcissists.
In terms of a scapegoat not wanting to be a sycophant, it would stand to reason that most scapegoats have a strong moral compass enough to reject sycophancy and the extremely conditional rewards that go with it.
The quality of life and relationships of a sycophant can seem awful to a family scapegoat. In fact sycophants seem desperate: "I will do anything for a prize" or "I will do anything for approval". From a person who wields power in unethical ways and rejects others when they aren't getting their own way? - that's why it seems so desperate to many scapegoats.
And, in fact, sycophants usually have terrible self esteem. The link partly goes to this Google AI explanation (partial):
Psychological research and professional analysis support the view that sycophantic behavior is often rooted in fragile self-esteem and deep-seated insecurities.
The following key psychological drivers explain the connection between sycophancy and low self-esteem:
Fragile Self-Identity: Many sycophants lack a solid sense of self-worth grounded in their own values. Instead, they "borrow" identity from those in power, using external approval as a mirror to feel impressive or worthy.
Survival through Submission: For some, flattery is a defense mechanism born from fear of punishment or exclusion. In these cases, sycophancy is an "adaptive" strategy to manage anxiety and keep "internal punishing figures" or external threats at bay.
This explanation supports the idea that sycophants get their self esteem from external sources just as narcissists do. In fact, sycophants can adopt narcissistic traits, especially if they were expected to be sycophants in childhood.
Scapegoats tend not to get their self esteem from outside sources because they don't trust others very easily. One of the ways they don't trust others is expecting them to tell the truth. A childhood of gaslighting, smear campaigns (as well as hearing narcissists and sycophants talk about others while twisting the truth) means that when healed, scapegoats' self esteem is resistant to being bashed, and even goes in the opposite diection: the self esteem is garnered through independent thinking, not through the opinions of others.
So while blaming, shaming and smear campaigns create repurcussions of unwanted independence in golden children, scapegoat children come to value their independence over sycophancy. They will always value independence over sycophancy. Here's what that link reveals:
Healing Pathway: As they recover, scapegoats often embrace their independence, using it to break free from toxic environments, often leading to them becoming "escapegoats" who leave the dysfunctional system behind.
Healing oneself and rejecting the sycophancy of toxic or corrupt leaders can mean a life of being a beacon of hope for others who are being oppressed, lied about and/or prejudiced against. Most healed scapegoats find prejudice to be intolerable. What that link reveals (Google AI article again):
In 2026, research into the psychology of scapegoating highlights that while many scapegoats are subjected to prejudice and mistreatment, their ability to tolerate it varies significantly based on their stage of healing and individual personality traits.
Unhealed Scapegoats: Individuals who have recently left toxic environments or are still embedded in them may have a "doormat" type of personality. These individuals often tolerate disrespect, bullying, and prejudice because such treatment feels "normal" based on their past trauma. They may also endure abuse to avoid seeing others targeted or because they believe they must earn love and acceptance.
Healed Scapegoats: As scapegoats undergo recovery and develop self-awareness, they typically reach a point where prejudice and abuse become intolerable. These individuals are less likely to tolerate bullying and are more willing to stand up for themselves or remove themselves from toxic systems.
There used to be so much research on narcissism, but now mental health researchers are starting to delve into scapegoat children of narcissistic families (finally!) and the personalities a lot of them have as a result of the scapegoating. Are researchers finding they are lying all of the time (something that narcissists accuse scapegoats of doing)? No. If anything researchers are finding that scapegoats are the truth-tellers. Are they finding that scapegoats are insane and inept, what their families label them as? Almost always no; they are finding them to be the emotionally healthy, intelligent, perceptive, resilient and aware instead. Are they finding that most scapegoats are independent minded and the least likely to be sycophantic? Yes. Are they finding that scapegoats have strong morals? Yes.
Narcissistic family members do not know any of this and are mostly "projecting" their own negative behaviors and proclivities on to one of their children so that they don't have to face their own "ugliness within".
Thus they don't know their scapegoats. Child scapegoats are dumping grounds for aggressive types of projection of the nacissists' own undesirable narcissistic traits, and that's about it, which brings me to the next part of the main article:
Awareness of Manipulation: The prolonged experience of being a "punching bag" for others' issues makes adult scapegoats more adept at recognizing and understanding toxic power dynamics and manipulation techniques. Once they understand the process, they become "impervious to manipulation techniques" and less likely to fall into the role of a sycophant, which is a form of manipulation in itself.
I don't know if this sentence means "Once scapegoats understand the process, they are less likely to fall into the role of a sycophant, which is a form of manipulation in itself" or "Once scapegoats understand the process, they are less likely to fall into the role of sychopant, and sycophancy is a form of manipulation in itself".
If it is the former (which it's not likely to be), "not falling into sycophancy" is actually going against the tide of being accepted, and rarely is "not wanting to be accepted by others" a form of manipulation. I suppose it can be, but I doubt it is for most scapegoats.
The reason I think this is because realizing that manipulative techniques of narcissists and sychophants are not for them is more about perception than it is about playing head games to get people to back off. They give up on competing for prizes and affection from their narcissistic parents and the sychophants that surround their parent. They are so weary of the whole manipulative climate and see way more of the negative outcomes of manipulation than positive outcomes. They want no part of manipulation, and competing with siblings or other family members.
Granted I think there may be some manipulation going on when scapegoats are about to leave. They may feel they have to present themselves as manipulate-able and compliant (which is a form of manipulation in that it is "putting on a face of compliance" before they leave), but they do it to survive leaving, which is always tough. Most scapegoats face poverty right after leaving.
If it is the latter, it makes more sense: sycophants are "in line" to be rewarded by narcissists, and many of them have unempathetic narcissistic qualities themselves because they are worshipping someone who is manipulative and without empathy. Sycophants see the narcissist as a stepping stone to more power for themselves, or better finances, or a prize, or they just like being loyal to tyrants who threaten, silence, have tantrums and abuse because they are that way themselves and seek the same kinds of loyal sycophants that the head narcissist has.
Some sycophants are even more manipulative than the "head narcissist" - my life experience with them anyway. They learn from the head narcissist what works and what fails in getting people to do what they want, and hone those skills further. They can become micro-managers or super covert schemers. But because they are so sure their own narcissistic skills will work better, they tend to use more threats, more tantrums and more coercion than the head narcissist, which is actually a blindness to a scapegoat's reactions of wanting to flee.
Anyway, being a sycophant means manipulating a narcissist. Even over-manipulating them (winning at manipulating the parent more than the parent wins at manipulating the sycophant). It has its fawning aspects, but underneath the often Jekyll/Hyde two-faced side of them, they want what the head narcissist has, a scapegoat of their own and more power.
More from the article:
Desire for Autonomy: The core of the scapegoat's struggle is the imposition of a role they did not choose. Their eventual goal is often to reclaim their authentic self and break free from the system, which typically involves setting firm boundaries or going "no contact". This pursuit of autonomy directly conflicts with the compliant, approval-seeking behavior of a sycophant.
From my own experience of being exposed to many scapegoats, I would say this is true.
They are constantly denied their authentic self while the narcissist pretends to be a mind-reader and personality-reader and gets it wrong because they desperately want to dump their own worst qualities on to someone else other than themselves and choose the most vulnerable to do it to. First they have to talk the scapegoat into not understanding themselves or that the reality they are experiencing is not the reality of everyone else (on-going gaslighting).
It's easier to do to a child than an adult, though we know plenty of adults who get talked into things by tyrannical heads of countries. This is because the adults are looking at the tyrants promises to them - too much so (this is the narcissistic tactic of future faking). These adults are not looking at the realities of how tyrants have lived their lives, bullying others, a focus on making more money, and getting evermore power, domination and control over others (corruption).
If these leaders have spent a lot of their life helping others, or in charities, or taking good care of animals or a disabled child, and they have lived a life of good ethics and morality, they may not be as likely to become corrupt. However, power, in and of itself, can make a person less empathetic and more corrupt, so no one person should be in power too long.
And unfortunately, the presence of a scapegoat in a family means many of the members have had power for too long too, and do not need any more of it (at least that is what scapegoats often conclude as they get depressed when their siblings become bullies and escape from the family looks like the best option).
Scapegoats are basically refugees of families and most of them go through the same things as refugees of countries: poverty, finding they have no home to go back to, out on their own entirely, lumped in with other refugee scapegoats (when they go to mental health counselors and domestic violence centers), enduring smear campaigns, being treated like second class citizens, sabotaged and hated by allies of the narcissist.
However once a scapegoat has gone through this and received help (domestic abuse counseling, ACON counseling, trauma therapy, perhaps career counseling), they have lived through the worst and become more resilient because of it. They have learned through an entire childhood how to endure the tenuous membership of their family and the extremely rocky rage and love bomb periods of a narcissist, and how to re-set their goals, and adjust to extremely different and difficult emotional environments.
If they are allowed out of their homes, they learn to find love, care and resources elsewhere.
Many scapegoats are stolen from (that link says "frequently"), or their things are given away, or their creative projects are destroyed by their family of origin. Many scapegoats find their narcissistic parent has ripped up all of the photos of them, or cut them out of family pictures (extremely common). Some scapegoats live very simply, with the attitude that if their possessions are always going to be taken from them or destroyed, they might as well not own anything. Some of them figure out how to have better security systems and get police involved instead.
It's the pre-planning that helps with resilience, and most scapegoats learn to pre-plan for almost any adverse situation.
Which brings me to the final part of the article:
Innate Resilience: Despite the abuse, many scapegoats are described as having an inherent resilience and an inability to have their spirit "broken". This inner strength provides the foundation for them to resist further attempts to control or define them, including attempts to force them into a sycophantic role.
One of the ways that scapegoats survive outside their families is not to let anyone define them, and sometimes even control them. "Not being controlled" in hiring environments is tough and exhausting and triggering, and so many of them try to build careers where they are either allowed to be independent thinkers and do-ers or self employed.
It is also why scapegoats often have autonomy with decision-making in a workplace. They also have more resilience and self-reliance to work alone than other types of people. However, because they were betrayed for an entire childhood, and sometimes beyond, they can have difficulty reaching out to others, or asking others for help. They are used to surviving independently, without help.
However, reaching out is necessary in order to make an adequate living. With scapegoats being so introverted, it can be more difficult to "toot your own horn", than leaving the family.
So a scapegoat has to let go of that mind-grip from the family. Selling work or services was most likely discouraged too as they were taught to think of themseves as crazy or inept (post coming soon on that phenomenon, or another link HERE). Their self esteem was constantly played with and sabotaged in childhood, so they need to feel able to generate enough self esteem themselves or find support outside the family to really be effective in forming business relationships with others. Confidence that you can do a job, that you deserve a good life with a career and family of your own is important to adopt if you're going to leave your family of origin. In other words, it takes some change of mind, super-resiliency, strong ambition and not giving into learned helplessness to succeed.
Most scapegoats do succeed, and from looking through forums, often succeed more than the compulsively rewarded or babied family members of their family of origin.
He and his wife, Lisa, also adopted pets who were old, sick, and/or traumatized.
Steve has been open about his life with Lisa on social media outlets (who he calls his "soulmate"), and how lost he has been since she died.
She was an empath. She loved these animals and adopted ones that other people would not, if to relieve them of suffering in their last days. There were so many dogs that were brought into their household. She treated all dogs, even aggressive dogs, with kindness, full time care, and loads of patience and love of their individuality. She never wanted to be in the spotlight, and preferred to have a supportive role in Steve's life.
I understand the grief of losing an empath. These kinds of people are so desperately needed in the world that you want them to live forever. There aren't many people around with that level of empathy either, so the rarity can really take a bite out of your interest in another romantic relationship, or even the ability to be around others for awhile.
So here's a virtual toast to the empaths of the world. Narcissism may be a phase, like a tantrum in the collective mind, until it plays out for good.
