Are you obsessed by what happened to you when it comes to how you were treated (abuse, mistreatment, bullying, why your parents threw you away, affairs that your wife had and threw in your face, and wondering why it happened to you?) and PTSD

In this post, I discuss a "perceived obsession" by other people over traumatic wounding experiences, societal attitudes about people who are traumatized and wounded, and whether people who have been wounded and traumatized are actually obsessed.

As usual with most of my posts, I also cite articles and give you further sources for reading.

SO ...

ARE VICTIMS OBSESSED
WITH WHY AND HOW

THEY WERE WOUNDED?
AND ARE THEY REALLY
OBSESSED OR IS IT SOMETHING ELSE?

The short answer is no, you are not "obsessed", but there are a few "yes"es (even normal ones).

The initial reason we think about what happened to us always has to do with the question of why. We have a right to know "why". We want to know "why".

We also want to know why all of the wounding is effecting us so deeply. Why can't we concentrate like we used to? Why do we have nightmares, perhaps? Why can't we sleep? Why are we having gastrointestinal problems (stomach aches that never seem to end)? Why do all of our muscles seem to ache? And so on ...

Plus, on top of it all, "why" sometimes helps us decide if we want to stay or if we want to leave a relationship that is causing us pain (what we can and can't work out in our relationships). "Why" also lets us know whether our value and moral systems are compatible with their value and moral systems.

The reason for most separations is that those value systems are completely out of alignment with each other.

The other thing is that, are you given clear answers as to "why" the person hurting you (especially if you are in an abusive relationship that has a cycle of honeymoons and abuse)? I would guess: probably not. I will discuss "why not" later in the post.

In many ways perpetrators of abuse or mistreatment can and do suffer as much as their victims because of the mis-alignment, but it isn't all that visible at first. And in fact, it may never be visible to you or anyone else because perpetrators love to come off as arrogant (they will down-play their attachment to you: you were just a piece of @ss, a sniveling cry baby, a broken record, a worthless piece of junk, an old used up broad with a whiny kid, whatever ... none of it is all that thoughtful or intelligent).

Even if they kill a victim, unless they are a psychopath, they will live with paranoia, have to devise plans not to be accountable, or to be excused in some way, and in many cases, damned to relationships which are shallow and are about either fighting against investigation and the domination of others (prison guards, juries and judges) or fighting to gain domination over others and trying to throw investigation off.

In any case, their world is a "dog-eat-dog" world, not enviable. Relationships for perpetrators are wrought with fear, paranoia, acting, fantasy, quick rushes of adrenaline, hiding, strategizing at how to take blame off of themselves and give it to someone else, trying to talk others into false narratives that sound believable (smear campaigns), all of this producing anxiety in them. They aren't in the kind of expansive peaceful supportive fun creative relationships that the rest of us have and enjoy. They are spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about how to manage and manipulate other people most of the time into what they want, and into their way of thinking. To them it doesn't seem like Hell because it is all they have ever done or know, but for the great majority of us it would seem like a dark dungeon. Most of all, it would seem to be a waste of energy, time and to be highly immoral too (because most of us have some sort of semblance of empathy, which is where the anxiety comes in for them: they often have to fake empathy because they don't want to feel it).

Better relationships are possible for their victims too, and can resemble the best of the best in terms of a deeply fulfilling relationship. Some perpetrators try to talk their victims into not being worthy of this kind of love, or of any love or consideration ... it is the usual self esteem crushing monologues that abusers use to try to talk their victims into being unworthy ... for instance "No one would ever put up with you except a desperate mangy dog" and themselves - yes, they put themselves in there with a mangy dog. It will come down to some variation on why they believe you don't deserve anyone but them and all of the abuse they dish out.

Believe it or not, anyone with low self esteem might believe it.

You have to wonder why they are so invested in convincing you of all of this stuff if they really hate you this much.

But my main point is that perpetrators are stuck with themselves much more than their victims are. Many victims find the happiness they are looking for, especially if they can undo the brainwashing, the stranglehold of being dominated, disparaged and patronized, and detox from all of the negative judgmental controlling comments, which many of them do, especially in these times with all of the public uproars over narcissism both in the personal sphere as well as the work sphere, and in the last couple of decades in the political sphere too. The United States is awash in domestic violence, abandonment of children, family estrangement, parental alienation syndrome, child abductions, child abuse, abuse of the poor and people with different racial backgrounds, bigotry, police misconduct, and child trafficking. The result of a lot of this is that more people are living alone than ever before.

WHY PEOPLE MIGHT SAY YOU ARE OBSESSED

* There are some people who are not empathetic. They don't feel and think in empathetic ways.

* There are some people who are empathetic and perhaps going through tragedies of their own which seem overwhelming, whereas they look at your tragedy as having been long ago. They are dealing with a lot of sadness and grief which already seems overwhelming, and they need people who aren't mired in their own issues.

* There are some people who only want happy, fun times and think that you are stuck in sadness (that it is of your own making that you don't snap out of it and join the world of "the living" and "the joyous" - maybe they had a car accident and they snapped out of it and they equate their tragedy with your tragedy).

* There are some people who don't want to hear your pain because they are going through so much pain themselves. And then there are some people who tell you that you complained of the same thing last week and because of that it shows that you are obsessed.

These are just a few of the reasons ... If you look at these attitudes closely, these really don't have anything to do with you, but being called "obsessed" does not feel good either. I get to why later in the post.

Abusers usually have their own reasons for why they think you seem obsessed:

* They usually want the attention on themselves, and cannot stand it that your attention is elsewhere.

* Calling you "obsessed" might be a gaslighting strategy, i.e. "You are crazy for being obsessed. Who thinks about these kinds of things as much as you do? No one!" - these statements are to get your mind off of their abuse too.

* They don't think you should ask "why?" In fact, a lot of abusers want to suppress information, and silently punish you in varying degrees for researching because research makes them feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. They don't want you putting the magnifying glass on them. Usually you know when you are making them uncomfortable with research because they will give you the silent treatment or short snippy dismissive answers, and yet want to know everything about you (there is an extreme amount of hypocrisy in abuse). Abusers like to control information and be looked at as the "genius source" of information. They also spend an inordinate amount of time triangulating (sometimes it is their full time profession in the work place and in the home), trying to make people hate or be suspicious of each other so that they remain in charge of everyone and the primary source of information, which differs from the rest of us who are trying to do something for humanity, our family or a cause. We don't like triangulation and we don't have time for it. 

Again these are just a few instances and reasons.

Sometimes you really don't know what people are thinking and feeling when it comes to your issues. Some people get in closer and want to run your life and advise you to the point of control, others distance themselves from you. And if you are lucky you have one best friend who listens and supports you with an open mind and is there for you through the thick and thin of it.

When you don't have support, the trauma feels quite a bit worse than if you had support. Trauma can make you sick emotionally, mentally and physically after awhile, and if you don't have anyone to talk to and there are no empaths in your life, then you start asking "why" about that too. "Why are people so damned wrapped up in themselves?" "Why isn't our friendship solid when I have problems, not just when she has problems?" "Why do I feel so alone when all these people say they care but are too busy to have anything to do with me?" "Why do people rely on me so heavily when I've been through this kind of a traumatic event? Why can't I be supported for once?" "Why do the people around me only have an ear for (this) and not for (that), and not for what people are suffering through?" - for instance.

You are not alone in asking why. The culture is becoming more and more anesthetized to other people's traumas (and issues in general), there are a lot more "fixed opinions", there is a lot less discussion and research, and there is a lot less empathy and more narcissism (USA).

So, why can't people just be a little more empathetic to what you went through?

IT'S PARTLY ABOUT FAMILY

AND IT'S PARTLY ABOUT CULTURE

The Family Issue:

I have talked many times in this blog about how it stems from the family, particularly dysfunctional abusive families, which also tend to be authoritarian families too.

Not all children from narcissistic abusive families will be abusive, but about a third will.

What is learned in childhood:
* "Don't feel":
   "Don't feel", and sometimes "Don't feel because I don't have the time or patience to deal with your feelings", and sometimes it is "Don't feel or you will be punished (abused) for feeling." Sometimes feelings are described as "drama".
   This teaches other children not to be empathetic when it comes to the suffering of others. In this case, it is also "everyone to themselves": you are responsible for how you feel (the attitude that what is outside yourself has no bearing to how good or bad you feel, and no matter what the circumstance - we know this isn't true, but parents who do not want to feel culpable at all, a narcissistic trait, will teach their children that all culpability resides within themselves).
* Toxic roles:
   In most abusive narcissistic families, there are toxic roles for every family member which includes child roles: the golden child "who is my favorite and better than my other children, who can do no wrong, who deserves a lot more than my other children, who puts me first, and who I can brainwash with ease" and a scapegoat child "who is my least favorite child, who is smart and creative but cannot seem to be talked into anything, who is burden-some and reject-able, and who is not afraid of me enough so points out flaws within me and with our family" ... and usually a spouse who is idealized as "my wonderful husband who will do what I want and expect him to do, who will give me what I want, who will make my life into a fairy-tale-come-true, who will be my 'knight in shining armor', who will let me take advantage of him, who will put me on a pedestal, who will tolerate me having an affair (at least once, but I'll keep testing his tolerance), who will tolerate being punished by me if he doesn't do what I want, who will put me first at all times, who will stand by me even when I'm evil, who will let me take total charge in running the children's lives, who will let me reprimand him if isn't 'behaving' etc  ... until he's not 'behaving', then he is put in the devalued spouse role: a husband who has smartened up, who no longer seems to accept my lies, a husband who makes me feel terrible and terribly insecure that he will abandon me (therefor I have to have more affairs in case he dumps me ... and I have to make up lies that he's having affairs instead), who I need to make feel insecure in case he leaves me, which I do by rubbing his nose into into the fact that other men want me ... he is turning into someone who is depressed and angry because I hurt him and is no fun any more because of it, and who I am starting to not want because he is so focused on my culpability."
   Basically roles come about because the narcissist is a control-freak and each role he or she assigns is useful to the narcissist: the scapegoats are useful for blame (i.e. to get rid of any potential "bad image" the narcissist might have), golden children are useful for "having a good image", the "idealized husband" is good for the image of "loyal wife who appreciates a husband", "devalued husband" is good for the image of "he's all at fault and I'm the victim" and other men are good for "I'm so desirable, dear husband, have a look! You're not the only fish in the sea!" as well as "My new knight in shining armor who saved me from my 100 percent bad husband."
   And, children see it all! They have to decide whether it is cool or sickening.
   With all of this going on, it can teach children to be non-empathetic too, as well as inauthentic, to only look at and be in relationships to "get", that the only relationships worth having are relationships where you can blame and shame a partner into giving you what you want by threats, having affairs, pitting men against each other (or women, for male narcissists), blame-shifting the dissolution of relationships on to others, blaming and shaming others into compliance. You can't take "anyone's word" because truth simply doesn't exist and is open to interpretation. It can also teach that backstabbing is okay (and acceptable), breaking promises and vows is okay (and acceptable), being a bully is okay (and acceptable).
   If you are in a relationship with a person from a family like this, and you are being treated this way too, it might be worth leaving this person.
   Note: if you are in a relationship with the scapegoat of a family like this, they may have been the one to have been disgusted by these practices (meaning they don't practice these tactics - one main reason why is that they were hurt by them), which is why they are on the outside of family membership. It would be good to talk to them in terms of where they stand morally, how their family effected them, what they want that is different, and if they want a relationship with anyone in their family (abusive family members can effect your children negatively). In the case that the scapegoat wants to move beyond their family, its abusive heritage, and wants to keep the influence of the family out of their lives, you will have some of their wounds to deal with and be compassionate about, but on the whole they are telling you that they don't want their family practices to poison the life they have with you.
* Authoritarian families:
   In authoritarian families the hypocrisies run wild.
   The typical quote of the authoritarian family is that "children should be seen but not heard". The insinuation is that children have no rights (should not speak) while the parents have all of the rights (only do the speaking). When children do not have a voice, it means that they are totally dominated. If the domination includes abuse, it is expected that some of the children will rebel against the abuse and others will not. Domination is so "all-important" that rebellion will be put down by increasing the abuse until it is egregious. "Time outs" in authoritarian families are usually sadistically metered out (extreme), abandonment of children in whole or in part is common, disdain is common. In other words, children are only accepted based on what they can do for the parent, period.
    Since children aren't wind-up dolls, and have minds of their own (something that authoritarian parents abhor), it means that some children will comply (have "appearances" of being complicit including appearing to be a mini-me version of their parent, appearing to parrot the parent, appearing to put the parent first but possibly have agendas of their own outside the parent, appearing to expect to be rewarded for complying, appearing to be 100 percent compliant but being two-faced in a way where docility is "acted" in front of the parent but the child lets out steam against his parent out of view and out of sight, appearing to play dumb when big issues or culpability issues arise, and so many other appearances).
    If you wonder why acting is so prevalent among narcissists, this would be why.
   Authoritarianism distorts childhood and either you grow up too fast or too slow (i.e. being autonomous enough to live without the parent and the parent's influences when you are an adult, which is what maturity means). Scapegoats are often expected to be full autonomous adults by age 14, and golden children are expected to be children and child-like forever (i.e. put the parent first: the parent's feelings, the parent's wants, the parent's dreams, the parent's thoughts and advice, to be dutiful to the parent even in old age and even when the parent acts atrociously ... "and by the way, do not, under any circumstances, talk to your siblings until I say so ... and I get to tell you what to say to them").
   It teaches children that dominating and hurting other people, especially children, the weak, the disabled, the lonely, and the helpless is good and okay. It teaches that acting (and not being authentic) is good and okay. It teaches that bullying people who you feel are weaker than yourself is good and okay.
   If your spouse is treating you badly, he or she may feel that he is or she is higher in "domination stature" than you are, and in order to get you to comply in putting "them first", you will be punished if you do not put them first. An arrogant, admonishing, reprimanding style is what they use to put you in the "down inferior position".
   Authoritarian families are very hierarchical. You will know how high you are on their ladder of hierarchy as to how well or badly they treat you. Egregious abuse = very low. Mostly praise and rewards with some reprimanding here and there = fairly high, but not perfect.
   All of this hierarchical "stuff" should not damage your self esteem because it is all self serving on their part. It is done without compassion, empathy and it is bullying. It is extremely liable to become a highly abusive "system" that had its roots in their family, and has been grounded into them and molded into their brain from birth, where either it is compliance or non-compliance (i.e. your compliance or your rebellion, an either-or ultimatum, which contributes, in part, to their black-and-white, all-or-nothing attitudes and enmesh with me, or be totally discarded by me - neither are healthy for the other person).
* Utilitarian love and love bombing:
   When "I love you" comes from narcissists, it is not love in the way most of us mean it. It is a very shallow kind of love. It is "utilitarian love" as psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula likes to call narcissistic love. It equates to this: if you are useful to them, you are loved. If you are not useful to them, you are not loved by them. There isn't all that much more to it.
   Narcissists tend to view people as more closely related to objects than the rest of the population. A good example would be to compare people with a toy: as long as the toy is useful, and it winds up the way it "is supposed to", the narcissist plays. If the toy is not useful, it is thrown away, or it is pounded to get it to work again. So toys that aren't "acting right" (programmed the way the narcissist wants, which has everything to do with the roles the narcissist gives to people closest to them), then the toy is either destroyed or thrown away.
   In the following case a man is expecting a woman to provide sex at any time he wants, or she is thrown away or destroyed. "He treated me like a piece of meat" is the complaint you will hear from women who are put into sex roles.
   In the case of a child, the child may be put into the role of something to do with the household. So let us say he has been put into the role of emptying the garbage. But he does not want to be put into that role all of the time. So let us say he either rebels against being put into that role all of the time, or he gets sick with the flu and does not feel well enough to put the garbage out, or he has been diagnosed with a disability somewhere down the line, or he has an important school assignment and forgets to take the garbage out. The parent goes into a rage about the garbage not being taken out. And the circumstances for "why" don't matter to the narcissist (narcissists are primarily known for lack of empathy so it is common for them not to allow mitigating circumstances, plus they are also noted for being controlling and putting control above a child's welfare, and if that wasn't enough, they are also known to get into rages about things most of us would find to be inconsequential). Roles aren't about "why" and "why not". They are only about expectations of the narcissist. The problem with narcissistic roles is they have expectations that you will perform your role to perfection too, and for that reason, it typically leads to child abuse too.
   The child is either destroyed or thrown away for not "being in role". "You weren't perfect enough to keep around" or "You aren't perfect enough, so perhaps if I stomp on you and shake you up like a toy, you'll work a little better for me."
   The child is seen as something to conquer: conquer his will, conquer his career, conquer his marriage, conquer his wife, conquer putting doubts in his head about others around him, and if he isn't in role, starve him out, ignore him, kill his self esteem and then "maybe he will act like the wind-up doll I can control", thinks the narcissist - I think most of us find that thinking to be highly immoral.
   We know that narcissists don't grieve all that much when they lose relationships whether it is spouses or children. Love is a momentary thing, a shallow thing, not something that lasts. That is why marriage and marriage vows aren't taken seriously by them unless they are "religious narcissists" or "traditionalist narcissists". That is why they have estranged children or a child. That is why they get over their old relationships so easily. That is why they remarry in record time. That is why they are going on vacations and cruises so soon afterward with a new lover or a golden child, depending on whether they dumped a spouse or a child. That is why they don't care about the people they left behind. That is also why they get over the death of their children who commit suicide (often seen by their family members, but they will fake cry for the public at a funeral - as reported by child abuse survivors, which I will cover at some point).
   Love bombing is about idealizing (until they can find something to devalue and discard you about). Love bombing is about flattering you and mirroring your perspectives, likes and dislikes. Love bombing is about drawing you in with flattery, sweet nothings, and when they are bored or you aren't acting enough like a robot or a toy for them, and performing roles they have given you, discarding or destroying you.

The Cultural Issue:

When you grow up in a narcissistic society you are going to have a lot of dichotomies:

* people who are super rich and want more power and domination over others, and people who are poor and can barely feed their kids or put a roof over their heads.

* people who don't value empathy and compassion versus people who put a high value on empathy, community well being/health, and compassion ("might is right" and "every man for himself" versus "we are all in this together" and "everything we do effects someone else")
* "worship me, my wealth and my domination-over-you cult" versus "stop trying to steamroll me into poverty and slavery revolution"  

* people who take advantage of others and people who are of service to others 

* people who steal and people who give away

* people who want the status quo to own most of the wealth in the USA, and people who want wealth spread to all citizens in an even manner

* people who want to brainwash, people who refuse to be brainwashed
* people who love narcissists and narcissistic values, and people who are horrified by it
* people who want narcissists as their leaders, and people who want empaths as their leaders
* people who like investigative reporting and people who like "news as opinion"

Again, it is about a dichotomy of values and morals.   

We know that the rates of narcissism in adults is going up (in America). We also know that domestic violence is going up too (America).

My own personal view is that we have a society (American) that is incredibly tolerant of narcissistic tactics: lies, misinformation, gaslighting, word salad arguments, cruelty, hypocrisy, the slandering of other people, black and white thinking, worshiping false heroes, insults, favoritism and nepotism, "me first" over community welfare, erroneous blaming, erroneous prejudice ("I shot him because he looked at me funny" or "I shot him because he was running and I thought maybe he was running away from a crime"), invalidating (i.e. invalidating expertise, research, science, i.e. the anti-intellectualism culture of invalidating others who are experts, who research, who prefer science ... which leads to expertise not mattering, truth not mattering to the point where truth is defined as opinion and not research and data, and the display of ineptitude as perfectly fine and status quo).

Then there are constant shouts of "fake news" which can be a gaslighting strategy to fool others into believing news is just about opinions.

On top of it all, there is more blaming and shaming going on now than ever before: everything happening in the world is all someone else's fault, right?

Blaming and shaming leads very quickly to phobias: xenophobia and prejudicy, misogyny and cultural wars specifically.

Blaming and shaming can be effective in terms of brainwashing, but true intellectuals and moral people will always be fighting against it, which is why many toxic psychopathic authoritarian nations either kill off their intellectuals (as in Cambodia), or they threaten them, or make them disappear without a trace. Or they take away education as a right. You cannot gaslight a population when everyone is smart and likes to examine all sides of an issue.

Blaming and shaming is only effective when most of the people around you, including the community you live in has integrity, treats you and others with regard, civility, respect, kindness, empathy and they aren't hypocrites (in other words: "Can they take the pain they dish out?" - if they can't, that is a sign of entitlement). -- Unless, of course, you have been brainwashed?

Do we want a nation of "special people" who are not accountable to rules and laws, or do we want a nation of "We are equals"?

So what does all of the tolerance of immorality suggest about people? That they are tolerant ultimately of narcissism and psychopathy? The clinical definitions of it (characteristics) are there, plus the tactics (most of all, gaslighting). When did gaslighting become such a huge popular American pastime? When divorces went up in the 1970s? When the "Gaslight" movie debuted in 1944? Did people see that movie and say, "Oh, cool! I'll have to use that on my spouse! And while I'm at it, on my children too! And maybe on everybody I meet!"

Constant immorality is a sign of a culture bending towards narcissism, whether we like it or not. Does narcissism care about the pain of others? Not at all. Real flesh-and-blood malignant narcissists will mostly discard if you are going through hard times, or if they aren't too far on the cruelty scale they will try to convince you that "You brought it on yourself"). Hrrmmmph. Poverty? "You brought it on yourself." Got raped or had to endure years of childhood sexual abuse? "Maybe you were wearing sexy clothes for a nine year old. Maybe in that way you brought it on yourself, and besides who cares ..." Your mother cheated on your father with numerous men? "Everyone breaks promises and marital vows these days! Who cares! Only throwback empaths care!" Homeless veteran? "PTSD does not concern me." Cannot afford health insurance? "Every man for himself. You'd be a good one to scapegoat. It is obviously a sign of weakness and weak people are good for all of us to blame." All of these answers add up to narcissism.

So morals are going "to hell in a hand basket" in this country and everyone knows it. So many people are crying about their wounds (in private, to therapists, in forums, in comments on narcissism videos, on facebook, in war torn countries where children are getting their drinking supplies from mud puddles, in self help groups where women talk about enduring sexual slavery as children and how it still effects them in their sixties, with friends and family members, in forums about finances about how their tax dollars are going to fund billionaires and giant corporations while they can barely keep their kids in clothes). So much suffering! But narcissism turns its back on all of it and says, "I don't care! I only care about myself! I don't want to hear any more drama about your pain!"

Which means that the culture has decided that it is cool to be narcissistic, to not be empathetic and insult or laugh at people who are hurt or disenfranchised instead.

Have you ever noticed that narcissists think bullies are the sane people in their families and in society, and that empathetic people are insane? In fact empathetic people are often told they need counseling, that they are not normal or acting right, that they are obsessed with other people's wounds and their own wounds, that they should be "thinking happy thoughts." In homes with child abuse in it, children get beat up and reprimanded for having feelings, any feelings. They are sometimes derided: "Poor baby! Cry, cry, cry!" And if you are happy instead, and plan a beautiful wedding, they get insecure and call all of the relatives and tell them to boycott it because you are such a bad child. You need to be punished! It's the good 'ol double bind game of narcissism.

As more people are brought up this way, and see their nation headed this way, the less people will care about others.

Elderly? "You're on your own. You're useless to society now. We're paying a lot of money to keep you in your life of entitlement when it could be going to our kids instead! Selfish bastards who wrecked the economy, voted for sleazy misogynists and racists, who sold the country to an oligarchy, and never cared about their young! Child abusers!"

Child? "I don't care about you! I never wanted children anyway! You're a big burden around my neck! Why don't you do us a favor and run away, you big cry baby! Tomorrow you're going to Day Care for 12 hours because I can't stand the sight of you! In fact, maybe you should live there! I don't have time for this!"

So this is what the nation has come to. Child abuse is sky high, sexual trafficking of minors as young as seven years old is up, way up, elderly parents are abandoned, children and grandchildren are abandoned, children's interaction is with screens a lot more than people, siblings are pitted against each other where the bully child wins and is rewarded (because again, the country is enthralled with narcissism and narcissists, as if siblings should be in a gladiator game), the wife has an affair and can't make up her mind which man she will go with and the bully wins there too (because bullies are the great cultural "norm" now, as if affairs should be part of gladiator games too), the abandoning, estranged family is "the new cool" trend, stonewalling and violence in relationships is shrugged off, not having feelings (yours: "be sure to numb them or you will be punished"), keeping horrific family secrets behind thick doors in a suburban neighborhood with lawns spread big enough so that neighbors won't hear the cries, the slaps and hits, the drunken-ness, the incest, the swearing and insults being bandied about all day long by all generations, the constant battles about who should be respected and who gets to dominate, the fistfuls of money going to nebulous narcissistic pastimes and politicians who talk about being concerned about citizens in a monotone drone.

After becoming a narcissistic nation and society, the brilliant next step (said tongue-in-cheek) is to be a sociopathic nation or a psychopathic nation. Go around and kill innocents or be killed, yes? (- again said sarcastically). Take over everything. Steal another nation or be stolen from. You're going to have to be psychopathic yourself to endure it all. No civility allowed! No politeness! No caring attitudes if you are lying on the battlefield wounded. It's every man for himself. - again, my sarcasm.

But isn't this the way the world is going anyway, isn't this the world we are slowly building for ourselves?

And by the way, after watching so many moving picture series that depicted "just that", it will be like going back to the B.C. days up to about the World War II. This should prove we are devolving as a species, not evolving.

And with this present pandemic of "social distancing" and a political system that never prepared itself for a pandemic and never stashed away money for a disaster, I wouldn't be surprised if what ever remains left of a polite society and the wealth it used to have doesn't just disintegrate in the next few years. In a society that doesn't even care about its own children (why child abuse is way up), it isn't fit to care about anyone.

To not care about children, means also to not care about the child within us. When we are childlike and helpless or sick or old, we are thought of as unworthy of compassion if we are in a narcissistic society. We have paved the way for our own abandonment. Narcissists do not care about the weak; in fact they look at weakness as something to abuse and take advantage of. When a narcissist brings up a child to abuse, to dominate and turn into a failing misery, he chooses what he believes to be the weakest child. So if you teach bullying by example in your household, children-turned-adults will either be bullies too to those who are weak (including the elderly).

The other problem is that too many children are brought up by brainwashing memes: "You brought this upon yourself." "Only throw-back empaths would care." "When you are weak is the time attack!" 

When times are tough, narcissists either go up in value (conquerors), or down in value. What is pretty clear is that the best survivors of disasters are usually in the 25 - 40 age group, with strong muscles, the best immunity systems, the best brains, the best in terms of ability to fight in battles, the best in being able to work long hours, the best at being able to pro-create, the best at being able to be self sufficient, the best at being able to strategize and create - they will have the best chance at survival.

If they were brought up by narcissistic parents, they won't care about the suffering of others (for the mini-me bullies) or they will be suffering too much themselves to be of much service (for the victims).

If they were brought up by empaths, however, they will care about the suffering of others. A nation that doesn't care about the suffering of its citizens is a nation that will either fall apart from within, or fall apart because very few of its members will be invested in defending it (the corruption is too rampant): the Vietnam War might be a prime example.

IT IS PARTLY ABOUT TRAUMA ANS/OR PTSD

If you are with an abuser or abusers for a long time, who practiced a lot of abuse tactics (tactics are in the right hand column of this blog), and especially verbal abuse, emotional bullying, splitting (Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde behaviors), punishing behaviors, and the silent treatment with stonewalling, people who insist on getting their way all of the time, and you suffered over the relationship for a long period, you are likely to get PTSD.

One of the first emerging symptoms of PTSD is hypervigilence with sleep disturbances. Sleep disturbances manifest as nightmares, inability to fall asleep, inability to sustain sleep (sleeping less than 6 - 8 hours a day), feeling hyper-alert when you do sleep (waking easily from a little noise or from someone going to the bathroom), feeling jumpy or having a headache when you do awake. And by the way, it is at this stage that PTSD should be addressed.

However, severe PTSD often means 2 - 3 hours of sleep with nightmares mixed with depression. If you are living with only these numbers of hours of sleep, I wouldn't be surprised if you also have or had:
* blistering headaches
* stomach aches or nausea with little desire to eat (or alternatively, insatiable hunger)
* muscle aches
* heart arrhythmia
* possibly even a developing auto immune disorder
* possible hallucinations (lack of sleep will cause hallucinations in anyone, even the most stalwart among us).
* the replaying of events (and in a society that is too narcissistic and sociopathic, there does not seem to be a satisfactory resolution much of the time, adding to the replaying of events)

There are a lot more symptoms, but these top the list.

The last one (replaying of events) is a PTSD reaction, not a self-generated one. So if someone asks you why you can't move on, why you can't forget, why you can't seem to resolve it in your mind, it is the result of PTSD (tied to hypervigilence).

A lot of abusers will tell you that you are going mad when you have PTSD (it's part of their isolating strategy, trying to invalidate what you say as "a crazy mind", also called a gaslighting strategy - the link on gaslighting takes you to my review of the "Gaslight" movie which shows you how it is all implemented), but what is really happening is that you are traumatized.

PTSD can happen to anyone, even to people in horrific car accidents. However, long lasting PTSD, often referred to as C-PTSD, happens when someone is in abusive relationships for too long, or has grown up with child abuse, or has endured years of sexual abuse or sexual slavery, or is in a war too long. The brain is incapable of dealing with constant attacks and onslaught, so part of it shuts down (hippocampus) and part of it lights up and becomes hyper alert and sensitive (the amygdala) - and yes, PTSD can be a permanent state, with ebbs and flows, the ebbing only possible in calm, stable environments with calm, stable people.

Also the number of experiences of trauma can make PTSD worse, and the trauma sufferer less able to deal with people and situations where triggering the trauma might be happening or likely, one reason you don't want to bully someone with PTSD.

Empaths will be sensitive enough to respect the request "not to bully." People with high traits of narcissism and psychopathy will not only be incredibly insensitive, they will look at it as an easy avenue for bullying; it is something to take advantage of. A lot of PTSD survivors end up with abusive people because abusive people are usually super-attracted to people with PTSD, especially sufferers who are empathetic: perpetrators look at victims of trauma as the love of their life, someone to fulfill all of their "I dominate-you-constantly-and-forever-fantasies", someone to gaslight, shame and to take advantage of.

As I said, the societal attitudes about PTSD don't help. Look at how our veterans are treated: as if the many who are homeless will make them less traumatized: wrong approach. Being an active citizen requires less trauma, not more trauma, and homelessness makes them vulnerable to more trauma. Having an uncaring, kick-the-sufferers-to-the-curb society is about the worse thing you should do for the country, not just the sufferer. The nation is likely to get worse for people to live in, not better, especially if you want to count on soldiers to defend the country. How can they when they see vets treated badly and their concerns not addressed? But we live in a narcissistic, often sociopathic "I don't care" society. So soldiers' PTSD is not addressed except through counseling (I'm someone who does not believe counseling solves everything, just as counseling cannot solve bigotry - in most ways ignoring PTSD and the suffering that brought it about has more of a bigotry response - they are caused by lack of empathy in the society, and it is truly sad that the only empathy available is "paid-for-empathy" via counselors).

WHY THE "WHY ANSWERS" FROM ABUSERS

CAN MAKE YOU FEEL MORE TRAUMATIZED

AND RUMINATING

If you get answers, they are likely to either be gaslighting answers, verbal abuse answers, blame shifting answers or blackmail answers.

 Gaslighting answers are (some instances):

* "You know why! What's the matter with you!"

* "If you weren't so crazy, you would get it, but that mind of yours, is, well..."

* "You can't be serious! After all you have done!" And they don't tell you "all that you have done" or it is another gaslighting answer like: "That expression you gave me!" or "You're ungrateful" or "You brought this upon yourself" or "I just want some peace" or "You create drama".

None of the answers bring satisfaction.

Verbal abuse answers are (some instances):

"You're a pig and I can't stand you!"

"If you're going to make me talk about this, then I'm getting out and you're going to get your sorry ass out of here! And take your sniveling brat with you!"

"I really never did give a f$ck about you! You're some winded up piece of crap!"

"F$ck you! You're like a tarantula! All you want to do is talk to me about this f$cked up sh&t and suck the living daylights out of me with answers you can't possibly comprehend somehow! If you want to be with me, then learn how to behave! You should know when to shut up!"

These answers won't really answer the question "why" either.

Blame-shifting answers (some instances):

"You know what you did to me. You need to take responsibility for this. Surely you know that this ALL your fault!"

"Why do you blame me for trying to take our daughter away! You take our daughter away!"

"You need to take the blame for this whole thing now!"

"I don't feel like answering unless you can take responsibility for this whole mess that was created between us." - even when they are having an affair (it happens!)

"You know you caused me to cheat!"

Blackmail answers are (some instances):

"I'll answer if you come back to me, sleep with me, give me what you owe me, and won't leave. And how dare you talk to my ex-wife! You are never to do that again! Do you hear me loud and clear? Do you? Do you?"

"I'll answer if you give me the house in the divorce."

"I'll tell you. But you have to agree to meet me by the cliff." - especially when he's tried to push you off the cliff before.

"I'll tell you, but you need to shut your mouth after this. Do you agree to that?"

The thing is, blackmail creates a feeling of mistrust as to the other person's intentions. These aren't the kind of orders you want to follow anyway, and they will most likely result in the answering styles above: gaslighting answers, verbal abuse answers and blame shifting answers. The blackmail offer you should accept from them is them going to domestic violence therapy, but abusers never offer it.

If they told the truth, it would sound like this:

* "I needed to file for divorce because I'm so insecure and I was going to see if you would come running back to me."

* "I needed to have affairs with x, y and z because I feel powerful then. Like I can wrap women around my pinky. "

* "I needed to control you because I don't feel good (grandiose enough) unless I am controlling other people."

* "I needed to blow up at you when you criticized me so that you wouldn't do it again, because underneath it all, I know I haven't treated you well and I don't like to be reminded of it."

* "You weren't offering me enough narcissistic supply, whereas Mr. Sociopath came on so strong! He really wanted me! I had to have someone who seemed to worship the ground I walked on!"

* "I needed to beat you up because I feel that dominating you and causing you pain is the only way I can get what I want out of you."

But they will never tell you any of these things (they are allergic to shame). So they put you in the dark about it all and blame/shame instead.

It is kind of pointless to ask "why" for these reasons. Some domestic violence therapists may encourage you to ask "why" through e-mail or cell phone if only to get information that can help you to stay safe, and to help you figure out what you are dealing with.  

So know that "why" is often extremely unsatisfying when it comes to a real answer. The good part is that since you know they won't tell the truth, it helps you get over the constant rumination of it. When you understand that narcissists (and other types of abusers) are validation-seeking and that they practically live full time for triangulation and dominance, the "why" should not make much difference one way or the other. 

Further reading:

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Myths (Despite the plethora of research surrounding Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, there are many popular Posttraumatic Stress Disorder myths. It is important to correct the public’s understanding. In addition, there is often stigma attached to PTSD for many people, causing maltreatment and prejudice) - PTSD Alliance

* Understanding the Stigma Around PTSD and How to Overcome Barriers to Care - by Julie Revelant and medically reviewed by Kathryn Keegan, MD for Everyday Health

* The Link Between Racism and PTSD (A psychologist explains race-based stress and trauma in Black Americans) - by Monnica T Williams Ph.D. for Psychology Today

* The Best Ways for People With PTSD to Reduce Stigma (Getting mental health treatment can help) - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

PTSD: National Center for PTSD - opens to page on stigma

* Rethinking Rumination - by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Blair E. Wisco and Sonja Lyubomirsky for PubMed.gov - offers a lot of other links to other pertinent articles on the subject

* Hooked on a Feeling: intrusive and ruminative symptoms in PTSD - by Kate Dahldren for Emotion, Brain, & Behavior Laboratory

* "Dwelling in the Past": The Role of Rumination in the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder - by Aileen M. Echiverri, Jeff J. Jaeger, Jessica A. Chen, Sally A. Moore, and Lori A. Zoellner for U.S. National Library of Medicine, National Institutes of Health

* Cognitive Processing of Traumas: The Role of Intrusive Thoughts and Reappraisals - by Melanie A. Greenberg (the whole article is not on-line, but worth reading, and can be found in the "Journal of Applied Social Psychology", Volume 25, Issue 14, 1995)

* Violence transformed: Posttraumatic growth in survivors and their societies - by Richard G. Tedeschi (the whole article is not on-line, but worth reading, and can be found in "Aggression and Violent Behavior", Volume 4, Issue 3, 1999) 

* Ruminative coping as avoidance (A reinterpretation of its function in adjustment to bereavement) - by Margaret Stroebe, Paul A. Boelen, Marcel van den Hout, Wolfgang Stroebe, Elske Salemink and Jan van den Bout for European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience

* Attachment Styles and Personal Growth following Romantic Breakups: The Mediating Roles of Distress, Rumination, and Tendency to Rebound - by Tara C. Marshall, Kathrine Bejanyan, Nelli Ferenczi

* 12 Thoughts For Moving Past Betrayal, Trauma and Rumination (A client story and a path to recovery) - by Carrie Barron, M.D. for Psychology Today

* How to stop ruminating thoughts - from the staff at Medical News Today

* Types pf Re-Experiences in PTSD - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* How to Anticipate and Manage PTSD Intrusive Thoughts - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* Tips for PTSD Survivors to Cope With Upsetting Memories - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* Understanding PTSD in Children - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* Dealing With PTSD in Your Family - by Matthew Tull, Ph.D. for VeryWellMind

* Narcissistic Victim Syndrome - by Katie Sanford, LPCC, CCPS-C for the Banyan Therapy Group (note: this syndrome is PTSD)

* SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE SYNDROME - by Rosglasrecovery.com

* Narcissism - from Wikipedia

* Are Narcissists and Sociopaths Increasing? (There are plenty of signs in the workplace, relationships and criminal behavior) - by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD for Psychology Today

* The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement - by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell

* Mapping the scale of the narcissism epidemic: Increases in narcissism 2002–2007 within ethnic groups - by Jean M. Twenge and Joshua D. Foster (the whole article is not on-line, but worth reading, and can be found in the "Journal of Research in Personality", Volume 42, Issue 6, 2008)

* The Narcissism Epidemic - a C-Span video with Jean M. Twinge author of  The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement

* The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations - a book by Christopher Lasch (I actually met him in my early twenties at a conference)

* Researchers say we have a 'narcissism epidemic'. So what's causing it? - by Teodora Zareva for Big Think

* Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths―and How We Can Stop - by Bill Eddy LCSW, Esq.

* How our society and culture rewards Narcissists - by Alexander Burgemeester for Lust for Life

* It is high time you stopped playing an empath to a narcissist (An empath is one who unknowingly takes the tantrum and rubbish from a narcissist) - by the staff at The Economic Times

The Treason of the Ruling Class (They have destroyed our capitalist democracy and replaced it with a mafia state) - by Chris Hedges for Common Dreams

* Malignant Narcissism: Concealed Side of Psychopathy - by Saeed Shoja Shafti, Professor of Psychiatry, University of Social Welfare and Rehabilitation Sciences, Razi Psychiatric Hospital, Iran

* The 7 Things That Only Narcissists Will Do (6. They assume everyone adores them) - by
Amy Morin for Psychology Today

* Do Narcissists Actually Lack Empathy? (An unwillingness to empathize is different than being unable to do so) - by Mary C. Lamia Ph.D. for Psychology Today

* Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Know someone who expects constant admiration, who thinks they’re better than everyone else, but flies off the handle at the slightest criticism? These tips can help you recognize and cope with a narcissist) - by Melinda Smith, M.A. and Lawrence Robinson for HelpGuide

* Dear Therapist: I Still Obsess About My Ex From a Decade Ago (I’m 40 now, and I feel like a fool.) - by Lori Gottlieb for The Atlantic