PETITION: the first petition I have seen of its kind: Protection for Victims of Narcissistic Sociopath Abuse (such as the laws the UK has, and is being proposed for the USA): story hereandhereorsign the actual petition here
Note:After seeing my images on social media unattributed, I find it necessary to post some rules about sharing my images
So, before you shame the next victim of narcissistic abuse for divorcing their spouse, or for a child who prefers to be estranged from a parent or sibling, or for letting a rift come between two best friends, consider that the reason may be that one of them has many or all of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that this narcissist is actually on a campaign to hurt the person they claim to love.
And if they do have this personality disorder, plus some power over you, and they have hurt you once, and continued to try to hurt you, consider that narcissistic traits in the "hurter" might be the culprit.
Some reasons why narcissists want to hurt other people, and why they go on retaliation and revenge binges:
* when they feel hurt over your complaints or criticisms about them, or in situations they manage They take complaints and criticisms as insults to their ego, an ego they feel must be worshipped, not found to be at fault. When dealing with others' complaints and criticisms, narcissists rage. They feel disappointed in the messenger of those complaints and criticisms. For covert narcissists and malignant narcissists, they most often want to seek revenge. Take note however: most narcissists believe that you have no right to complain about or criticize them because they put themselves in higher status and value than others, whereas they criticize other people in extreme ways: insults, degrading comments, false narratives, smear campaigns with only a little truth, fantasy scenes which make you seem to be the instigator. They call on others to have a bad opinion of you even if they don't know you, calling on others to hurt you. In fact, they try to out-do you in extreme ways with complaints and criticisms, as well as take on aggressive behaviors. This shows a number of things: -first: that they have narcissistic traits, and maybe even the whole personality disorder, and possibly even other personality disorders too, especially if the revenge is so extreme that you wonder when they'll be done, or they use sabotage, crimes, physical abuse, and physical injury or attempted murder to make their point, the sign of either malignant narcissism or psychopathy. -second: entitlement. Narcissists feel entitled to hurt you, but that you aren't entitled to walk away from them because of the hurt they caused. They also believe you are not entitled to defend yourself against their attacks, or to call the police if a crime that they instigate or get someone else to instigate against you seems connected to them, or to live happily ever after without them. They can't stand any of these, so there is a great resentment against others' boundaries. -third: boundaries. They believe they are so special that they have a right to traverse and crash everyone's boundaries. This includes emotional, mental and often physical boundaries. It also includes a right to interrogate you, or demean you. If they are home invading, stealing, stalking, trespassing, and sabotaging, this points more towards Antisocial Personality Disorder or Malignant Narcissism.
* when they feel slighted when you don't invite them to important events in your life, or to a party, and believe it means they have a right to seek revenge over it Narcissists feel too important to be taken for granted, forgotten about, overlooked, or to be unwanted company. They assume they control others more than they actually do (they even think they control others' thoughts and opinions), that they are always the most important person in the room, that people always listen with baited breath to what they have to say while disregarding what others have to say, that others will always be careful not to step on their ego ("walking on eggshells"), that they "own" the event to which they are invited to some degree. They are not at events to get to know others except in gleaning information on how much influence they, the narcissist, can insert into conversations. This is one way they find both new narcissistic supply and new victims. Since "not being invited" is a bruise to their ego, their highly crafted "perfect persona", and sense of importance, entitlement and grandiose visions of themselves, they tend to get hurt and retaliate. They may do a tit-for-tat and stop inviting you to their events too, but more likely they will go way beyond that in revenge-seeking.
* when they feel they are losing control and power over you or over the events in your life that they believe they have a right to control One of the big things narcissists feel they have a right to control are the weddings of their children (and to some extent their grandchildren). This includes the cake, the guest list, the dress or tux, and anything else they can think of. It's the rare narcissist who says, "You can run your wedding any way you want to. If you need my support, I'm here for you." That is so obvious in forums for child abuse survivors. That is the more well known control they exert, but there are also plenty more. If you are in a close personal relationship with them, they also feel entitled to control what you say, how you say it, where you go, what you do, what you tell them, who you have relationships with, what career you choose, how you manage your career, how you dress, what you do with your hair, everything. They are even known to try to micro-manage situations they aren't part of and know nothing about. If you are in a work environment with them, they typically use gossip, tell false narratives to the boss, sabotage your work, take credit for your work and other maneuvers to make sure they are promoted and that you are demoted (or fired). Note: if bosses don't look into situations carefully, they can be taken in by narcissists. If they are adamant that the narcissist is right, then you can't talk them out of it. You can read my post on enablers and flying monkeys in narcissistic abuseto understand the dynamic. The work environment is likely to get more toxic than less toxic if narcissists are promoted. If they've gained that kind of control over you, and feel they are losing it later on, or if you've come upon a false narrative or two that they've told about you, and you are showing distrust of them over these facts, then they are likely to go on a revenge binge. They don't like losing power and position, and have to know they are always going to get more power, not less of it, and while rage is certainly part of losing power for them, it's a rare narcissist who won't retaliate too.
* when you aren't walking on eggshells for them Narcissists feel they are too sensitive, that they need special care and that your duty is to be careful around their super sensitive feelings. Fine, but they aren't sensitive to other people's feelings by a long shot because of their profound lack of empathy. This makes it very difficult to be super sensitive to them when they are hammering away at you with such callousness. When you've had enough, they'll play the victim. The only person they notice who is hurt is them, always and forever, because again, they don't care about your feelings (because of their lack of empathy). If you don't come rushing to their aid immediately, when they want it, they feel you are a calloused brute who can't toughen up when they hurt you. So they want to hurt you more. There is so much hypocrisy in these situations that it is hard to turn yourself inside out to address their feelings when most likely, because of their narcissism, they instigated it, they took hurting you to such extremes, they never offered a realistic resolution, and all you want to do is leave. Their playing the victim in these kinds of situations perhaps nauseates you too. When you aren't taken in by their being the victim instead of acknowledging that they victimized you, then they start playing the victim in front of others, inserting a lot of false narratives about what happened between the two of you, making sure they turn you into the instigator, making sure they make everything that happened totally your fault, etc. Believe it or not, a lot of narcissists still expect you to save their sorry ass. When you don't save their ass, they go on a revenge binge.
So let's say they have decided the best way to react to being hurt is to go on a retaliation spree. Where does it end? How much destruction satisfies them? And do they keep wanting to hurt you once they have started?
Yes to all of it.
For part of this answer, I went to Google AI and Google Search. I give you the Google AI answer below in dark red, and you can search through articles through the same link.
There's a saying, "Hurt people hurt people," and it often applies to individuals with narcissistic tendencies. While it might seem counterintuitive to keep hurting someone they've already harmed, several factors contribute to this behavior:
Lack of Empathy and Self-reflection
* Narcissists struggle with empathy, meaning they have a diminished ability to understand or share the feelings of others.
* They may not fully grasp the depth of pain they inflict because their reality is distorted and focused on their own needs and perspectives.
* This lack of self-awareness makes it difficult for them to recognize the impact of their actions or take responsibility for causing harm.
Underlying Insecurities and Fragile Ego
* Despite appearing confident, narcissists harbor deep insecurities and a fragile sense of self.
* To protect their ego, they may employ defense mechanisms like projecting their flaws onto others and blaming them for their own insecurities or past traumas.
* Hurting others can be a way to regulate their own emotions and boost their self-esteem, even if it's temporary.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
* Narcissists may engage in a cycle of abuse that includes love bombing, devaluation, and discard stages, where the victim is idealized, then criticized and put down, and finally cast aside.
* When a narcissist feels challenged or threatened, they may lash out in narcissistic rage, which is characterized by intense anger and a need to regain control.
* This cycle perpetuates as the narcissist struggles to maintain a sense of superiority and control, and may repeat hurtful behaviors to ensure the victim remains under their influence or subservient to them.
Pleasure from seeing others suffer
* Some narcissists, especially those with sadistic or malignant traits, may derive pleasure from the pain and humiliation of others, according to Medium.
* They may see it as a way to prove their own superiority and get the "narcissistic supply" they need to feel good about themselves.
It's important to remember that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder or strong narcissistic traits are operating from a place of deep pain and insecurity. While it's crucial to acknowledge the harm they cause, it's also essential to understand the underlying psychological factors driving their actions.
If "the retaliations" are scary and seem like the actions of a "disturbed person" and they are escalating, this article by Psychology Today called "The Hidden Danger of the Homicidal Narcissist
So here are some traits to watch out for to tell whether you are in any danger. The more of these things there are, the more dangerous the person is.
* A need to get negative narcissistic supply from you Negative narcissistic supply would mean the narcissist is feeding on these emotions from you: being upset and sad: being upset means, to them, that they have control over your emotions, that if they try to upset you, they will realize they have that kind of power over you. It's another sign to them that they can make a puppet out of you. If you are bothered by them throwing out your clothes, they'll be sure to "up" throwing your clothes away just to upset you, and then play dumb afterwards. If you are sad, to them it means they have managed to effect you in a negative way. They may do things that upset you more. If you don't like your dog running in the street, they will send your dog out to run in the street and then play dumb afterward. If you don't like ginger cake, they'll buy you a ginger cake especially for your birthday. If talking about a certain subject makes you feel sad and you don't like to re-visit those sad memories, they'll make constant excuses as to why they need to keep bringing it up. sabotaging you: a lot of negative narcissistic supply comes from sabotaging you. Let's say you get a promotion at work, and they not only do not celebrate the event with you, they also decide to rage at you and start an erroneous argument so that your attention is on them instead of your promotion. They might call your boss up at work and tell them you didn't deserve the promotion because you have serious psychological problems (when you don't). Then they refuse to talk to you for three days. getting you angry: They provoke you and bait you in ways that they know will get you angry and reactive. Once you become reactive, they tell you that you have serious mental health problems to get that angry at them. Then they tell you the argument was all your fault without taking accountability for provoking and baiting you for a response. This is also a bullying tactic, by the way. getting you jealous: Again, they provoke you and bait you to get you jealous. They talk about what great sex they had with their ex. They talk about how attractive a woman is at work. If you go to a dance, they spend most of the night dancing with others and keep looking at you to see if you are reacting. In extreme cases they have affairs and flaunt them in your face, but then act surprised, devastated and vengeful when you file for divorce. They can even say things like "You never cared about me to file for divorce!" controlling the conversation to get negative reactions out of you: blaming you for things you did not do, blaming you for things you did not say, blaming you for thoughts you do not have (called perspecticide). Any actions that show that they do not value you, who you are, what you do, or what you have to say is usually to get a reaction out of you. Stonewalling and silencing you is also one of the ways narcissists try to control what is discussed, when it is discussed, and how it is discussed. If they don't get their own way in this regard every single time, they have a tantrum, and often refuse to talk to you at all. sending the message that no one cares about you: This usually is a bullying technique meant to make you feel alone and lonely, without support from a single soul, an outcast, a shunned person that no one in the world will accept. Except that it usually comes with false narratives about you, and lots of smear campaigns to get other people doubting you and siding with the narcissist way before they want others to shun you. In other words, it is premeditated, an insurance policy in case you "buck" their control. Part of why they do this is to get you wanting to get approval from them and the group, especially their brainwashed group. This tends to work in their favor in the short term, but not in the long term. If this is the first time they do this, the negative reaction they want is probably what they will get: you'll feel alone, lonely and shunned. If they keep doing it, you'll probably figure out it is an obnoxious game they want to play to get you afraid and reacting, and to keep you from seeking other avenues of genuine support, instead of the very tenuous support they show you. getting reactions out of you where you feel afraid, intimidated, threatened, anxious and/or hunted: This is generally referred to as coercive control. This is the most dangerous of negative narcissistic supply, but I bet it comes with all of the others I have mentioned first or in tandem with it. If it includes sadism too, there is even more danger to it. Their wanting to get negative narcissistic supply out of you doesn't get better, and can get much worse. The amount of narcissistic supply they get from others is never enough. They always want more. Now imagine that their main source of narcissistic supply is the negative kind. This means they'll be increasing the amount of hurt they give you, sometimes to the point of sadistic acts. When therapists tell you that abuse escalates, listen to them. Getting negative narcissistic supply is part of it.
* Insults are a sign of danger too. This means they are devaluing you. When they've devalued you, they don't care what you feel, or how you feel, or how much damage they've done. Not caring about how you feel gives them the entitlement to treat you badly, with even more insults - or at least that is what they tend to think. To them, you've lost their esteem of you. How insults contribute to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)
* Arrogance is a sign of danger because it means the narcissist won't really hear you or listen to you because they have the attitude that they know best, that their mind and perspectives are better than yours. So if you want to tell them how you feel, grandiose narcissists will talk over you (not let you get a word in edgewise), covert narcissists will tell you that isn't how you really feel (and lecture you about how you feel something else instead), and malignant narcissists will tend to get angry because they don't want to talk about how you feel (it simply doesn't matter to them at all). Arrogance tends to contribute to narcissists having confirmation biases and being blind to knowing anyone else other than themselves, so they will not necessarily care if they put you in danger, or someone else does. How arrogance contributes to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)
* Controlling behaviors: Coercive control consists of threats, humiliation and intimidation. Usually there are fear tactics, interrogation tactics, revenge tactics if you are prone to autonomous thoughts and decisions, isolation tactics to keep you from relating to common friends and family, and gaslighting tactics to get you to question your own mind. Coercive control usually goes with domestic violence or precedes it. Therefor it is dangerous. Managing you as though they are your boss, teacher, or spiritual leader, and trying to keep you from your own autonomous decisions is a common type of coercive control. This means if you have an autonomous thought or ambition you are being talked out of it to take on the controller's perspectives, ways of doing things, thinking style and opinions. Sometimes you might experience revenge or threats from them if you don't "do what you are told to do" or "think the way they want to think" or "feel the way they want you to feel". Usually this kind of action is only for their benefit, not for yours. They also tend to give you negative reinforcement than positive reinforcement to get you back under their control. Negative reinforcement always comes with dangers.
How to recognize this subtle yet dangerous form of domestic abuse - by Shelley Flannery for Domestic Shelters Excerpts: ... Evan Stark, Ph.D., a forensic social worker and author of Coercive Control, estimates between 60% and 80% of female domestic abuse survivors have experienced coercive control beyond physical and emotional abuse. And a brief on the subject by Andrea Silverstone, RSW, executive director of Sagesse Domestic Violence Prevention Society in Canada reports more than 95% of domestic violence victims experience coercive control. ... ... While coercive control can be found in any type of relationship, it’s most common in heterosexual relationships in which the man uses coercive control against the woman. In fact, about one in three women who experience intimate partner violence report being the victim of coercive control as compared with about one in 20 male victims of domestic abuse. Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, says she believes this is due to pervasive sexism. ... ... Coercive control may not be explicitly outlawed in every state, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a red flag. In a review of intimate partner homicides in New South Wales, Australia, 100% of cases involved prior coercive control while just over half of offenders had previously been physically violent toward their partners. In other words, violence doesn’t always escalate incrementally. In more than 40% of intimate partner homicides, offenders who had previously used coercive control against their partners killed them with no reports of physical violence in between. ... * Does coercive control lead to domestic violence (Google Search and Google AI) * Does coercive control lead to criminal behavior (Google Search and Google AI)
* Isolating you from others is often part of every narcissist's agenda. Again, this usually comes with a lot of smear campaigns with false narratives that they tell others long before your relationship with them seems to be in trouble. Narcissists use smear campaigns as their insurance policy to hoard the people that you both know with fake charm and false narratives about your sanity, so that you will be shunned and unsupported by their sycophants and other minions when you do break up with the narcissist. If these minions are brainwashed for a long time, they won't want to hear your side of things. Isolating is another aspect of Coercive control that can be more obvious than other traits. *How domestic violence offenders try to isolate their victims (Google Search and Google AI) *ISOLATION TACTICS – How victims of Domestic Abuse fall into the trap- National Centre for Domestic Violence *How isolating a victim contributes to victimization (Google Search and Google AI) * How does isolation lead to victimization? (Google Search and Google AI) *Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age - by Günnur Karakurt and Kristin E Silver for Violence Vict., and National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology, Pub Med Central (professional paper) - section on isolation
* Breaking your property is often a precursor to physical abuse. It is also a type of revenge, and revenge in any close personal relationship is definitely a more serious kind of danger. Property Damage in the Domestic Violence Context - by D. Kelly Weisberg, UC Hastings College of the Law, for UC Law SF
* Lack of empathy is another danger sign. If they don't care about you, they won't care how things affect you unless they are into negative narcissistic supply and sadism. Lack of empathy with threatening, menacing behavior? Particularly dangerous. Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders (Google Search and Google AI)
* Lack of any regret or accountability for hurting you - more dangerous. A sign of Antisocial Personality Disorder which can co-exist with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders is particularly dangerous. However, even if they have a habit of apologizing, it doesn't necessarily mean they've reformed. It doesn't necessarily mean they have regrets either. This is especially true if they keep hurting you in the same ways over and over again via a cycle. * Lack of remorse or regret in Antisocial Personality Disorder- (Google Search and Google AI) * The Remorse of Abusers Too much can lead to more abuse. - by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. for The Resilience Center of Houston
* Criminal past, criminal tendencies, or a criminal mindset - even more dangerous. A lot of narcissists will break codes of conduct, like having extra-marital affairs on partners (the partner thinks they are in a monogamous relationship and is shocked to find they are not, for instance), or playing around with damaging gossip, or hiding addictions, or saying "I do" for the fifth time in terms of being faithful in their marriage, and insulting others in institutions like schools that expect polite discourse, but most of narcissists fall just short of committing crimes. For those narcissists who do commit crimes, there is usually some element of Antisocial Personality Disorder. The crimes can be taking things that aren't theirs but have no value on the lower end of criminal activity. Murdering you is on the higher end of criminality obviously. The amount of Antisocial Personality Disorder that is mixed in with Narcissistic Personality Disorder depends largely on what they do and say. A person that cannot take any complaint or criticism without wanting to hurt you in extreme over-reactive ways might be someone high in Antisocial Personality Disorder, especially if they cannot tolerate any kind of autonomous decisions or thoughts from you either. Micro-managing you in extreme ways so that you are constantly being monitored and told how you are making mistakes, and raging at you about the mistakes you are perceived to make, and punishing and insulting you for your perceived mistakes, especially when you are a full adult, is another trait of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Sometimes it is hard to tell what criminal deeds they've done until after the fact since narcissists also have a strong need for positive validation from society tend to put hiding their criminal acts first. The truth can come out as late as when they've been arrested for some other crime in the past, or it comes out in court from the prosecution lawyers that they've committed crimes before and have many victims. So don't necessarily assume they've never committed crimes. If they have strong Machiavellian tendencies that can be a sign of a criminal mindset as the focus is mostly on deceit and self serving interests. A "criminal mindset" can mean they are focused a lot on "getting their own way" in issues where property is joint, or children are joint, or where they make plans to "get" what they want out of a relationship without considering you or your feelings. A "criminal mindset" is often much more focused on revenge over matters which aren't meant to hurt them. While normal minds can be focused on revenge, it is more episodic and rarely carried out. A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting money, material possessions, lying about other people to gain favor, and rewards at the expense of others. A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting rid of people or manipulating people to get an unfair advantage over them (power) or to take something from them. A "criminal mindset" uses an incredible amount of charm, politeness and love bombing in order to gain favor and entry into someone else's life in order to gain something for themselves. They also use it in cases where their real motivations are not easily detected. Most narcissistic criminals are much more charming and affectionate than non-criminals. They act over-familiar, and over-intimate. The love bombing is usually intense, with a lot of flattery, a lot of mirroring of your likes and dislikes, and memes that you later find out were insincere. However, if you're not bowled over by them and their love bombing, or accept them right away (take things slowly), they can be rejecting, snippy, feel insulted and angry - that shows their entitlement. Entitlements is another danger sign. A "criminal mindset" is also about getting away with things as much as possible. A criminal mindset is very unlikely to change. If you tell them how you feel, how their actions effect you, the damage their actions have done, or the repercussions in their own life, or with their own family and society at large, they are still not likely to change a bit. These people are "all about themselves and what they want" so much so that they really can't focus on others. They will not have empathy, and they tend to act on impulse when their needs become "overwhelming" to them. Some of them make elaborate plans "to get the most out of situations that aren't immediately rewarding them". It is who they are, in other words. They may promise to stop stealing, or stop home invading, or stop dealing drugs, or what ever their specialty is, but overwhelmingly they don't unless they feel that arrest for their crimes and attempted crimes is imminent. They tend to go for more vulnerable victims, victims who are not suspecting or show weakness at being talked into things. A lot of people describe criminal narcissists and psychopaths as intelligent. However, committing crimes and lying about their intentions is not difficult. The difference is that if we act like they do, we feel sick. If they do it, they don't, and have very little conscience about their actions. They use your empathy and trust to gain access to you, to take from or manipulate you for their own gains. The real word for criminals is "predatory" and "Machiavellian" instead of "intelligent". The latter uses plans and deceit to get what they want, but many criminal plans usually can be detected by law enforcement, especially with technological advancements: DNA, social media and sightings, warning signals, cameras in every city and most businesses, drones and satellites, among other investigative techniques. Thus most criminals do not have "unusual intelligence" to go undeciphered. If you have a sense that something is "not right" about a person, or someone you know has the traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder, never meet with them alone. Crowds are best.
Narcissism is often described as a personality disorder with arrested development. When a child is born, they focus overwhelmingly on their own needs, and on getting those needs met by a caregiver. However, as they grow older, and as empathy develops in a normal way, they stop thinking of the world as "I got to have --" and "I have to get my needs met by others", and "I'm the most important person in this relationship". As the enmeshment with the caregiver weakens, either in a slow or fast way depending on the caregiver, the child also takes on more autonomous thinking, doing and planning. Narcissists and narcissists who commit crimes never get to this point. Their minds are still on "how to get from others" and "I'm the most important person in this relationship." Entitlement to control or take from others can come from having most every need and want met, especially compared to other children in the family - important distinction. As children, budding narcissists probably receive very little explanation for why they can't have everything and anything they want, (i.e. they are not taught "resource lessons") . Many of them are not taught basic lessons like: "Do not take from others," or "Those aren't your toys," or "You aren't entitled to receive more than your sibling." This is especially true if they are taught by example that they are "special" and deserve more rewards than others (arrogance). Thus when they believe that they deserve more than others, and also deserve to be "treated special" in terms of "getting", it is this entitlement, often mixed with envy, that drives them to exploit situations and others to "get more". If others show weakness in terms of the exploiter (malignant narcissist) gaining easy access, a trusting person can become a victim. Children who grow up in narcissistic families are often taught that boundaries are not acceptable when it comes to family members, and this is what can cause them to be victims with people outside of the family too. Boundaries are one of the first steps to becoming safe and autonomous if you are in a narcissistic family. Criminals especially love people who have poor boundaries, poor self defense, poor self esteem, poor knee jerk reactions to being exploited and taken from, and high empathy and trust. Criminality doesn't preclude doing damage to you in terms of taking your finances, your assets, your mental health, your trust in others, your peace of mind, and your very life. If they've gotten away with a lot of crimes, they can feel especially emboldened to hurt you and take from you again by other means. In other words they like scheming against you because of your vulnerability. * Can a criminal mindset contribute to domestic violence?(Google Search and Google AI)
When you are in danger, often a number of these things are at play. Whether it's two of them or ten of them, it's still dangerous. Yes, some of them are more dangerous than others. But when I visit forums for battered women, most of them are surprised that their so-called lover was that violent, was that calloused about how the violence was effecting his victim(s), was that blind as to how "at fault" he was. Most of these women are surprised that they ended up in the hospital with severe injuries that needed in-patient care. In other words, they didn't see it coming. And for a lot of them, only verbal abuse, or emotional abuse precluded this kind of violence.
... Not everyone is inclined to vengeance and some are much more inclined than others; additionally, certain emotions, such as anger, are much likely to up the possibility of revenge as well. People who set great store by their reputations, for example, are more likely to seek revenge if they feel they and their honor have been unfairly impugned. But the clear top-scorer on the vengefulness scale is the person high in narcissistic traits. Up next? The one high in neuroticism.
The narcissist and revenge
One study by Ryan P. Brown explored the link between lack of forgiveness and vengefulness; was being unforgiving a guarantee of revenge? It was true enough that people high in forgiveness were low in vengefulness, but being unforgiving per se didn’t predict vengefulness. The deciding factor? Narcissism. The people most hell-bent on revenge were both low in forgiveness and high in narcissistic traits. ...
This is part of a series The Golden Empath Child part I (you are here) and The Bully Golden Childpart II
The golden child refers to the "favorite child" of a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A golden child can also emerge in alcoholic families, but for this post, I will be talking about the golden child in the narcissistic family (a family headed by a narcissistic caregiver/parent).
Golden children come about because of roles that are assigned to children at a very early age, including the scapegoat child, the family mascot, the lost child and, of course, the golden child. These roles have everything to do with how much abuse is given out to each child (the scapegoat getting the most abuse and the golden child getting the least amount of abuse), how much each child is valued (the scapegoat is the least valued, and in fact may be devalued, and the golden child is the most valued), who gets blamed for when things go wrong in the household (the scapegoat is used for blame, and the golden child is deemed to be blameless).
It all depends on hierarchy and status. Narcissists do not love the way the rest of us love. Narcissists see people in terms of usefulness to them and their agendas. Love is withdrawn easily depending on what you are willing to do and not do for them, and on what you are willing to put up with (including being abused or seeing others abused) as to whether you are valued, loved, in good standing, rated as useful and accepted. Where you find a narcissistic family, you often find estrangements from children (this can multigenerational as well as policy throughout the extended family).
Who gets what role can be anything from sex of the child, to hair color, and to what and how much a child can do for his or her narcissistic parent. Sometimes it can be a number of things. One thing that seems to be prevalent is who is most like the narcissist, who mirrors the narcissist most in terms of personality, likes and dislikes, looks, disposition and values. A lot of narcissists tend to favor the child who seems to be most like them, and disfavor (and scapegoat) the child who seems less like them.
In a lot abusive situations we find that there is a cycle of behavior which defines relationships that narcissists have (usually with partners): idealize, devalue, discard. Some psychologists prefer to label this as "love bomb, devalue, destroy" instead. Either way, the narcissist starts out idealizing you, and either gets bored or realizes you are "just a human", then they start to devalue you, and once they have devalued you, either discard you or abuse you (verbally, emotionally, psychologically and/or physically).
The difference between partners and children is that the idealization usually goes to the golden child (often for life), and the devaluing and discarding goes to the scapegoat (often for life too).
However, roles can change just as people change. Roles can also change depending on how serviceable you are to them.
The way you can tell if you've been devalued is when they say things like: "You were never good at ----" "You were never good enough for me." "You really are stupid, aren't you?" "You really are crazy, aren't you?" "I hate your guts." "You're no good." "Who would ever want to be with someone like you?" "You aren't worth my time!" "You're nothing to me." "You're a waste." "You're useless." Or they will try to prove all of these things by plainly abandoning you. But before they abandon you, they usually verbally abuse you first, and perhaps even call you names.
In general, there is a lot of hate-talk and who they value most in the family, who is doing better than whom, what such-and-such a family member is willing to do to keep them happy, who to talk to and who not to talk to, how they are going to spend a lot more time with x family member and less time with you, how if you really loved them you would act like such-and-such a family member, how boys are all good and girls are a pain, and in general the "drama" phrase and the "useless" phrase are used a lot ... It is triangulation and prejudice (narcissists like comparing people a whole lot, even when it comes to themselves; i.e. most often comparing themselves to others in such a way that is boastful and better than how someone else is).
So, since the narcissist tends to like mirrors, wouldn't it be fitting that the golden child would be a bully?
Not necessarily. There may not be a child who is like the narcissistic parent (the child is more empathetic than they are). So then what do they do?
They often choose the child who is most utilitarian for them: - Who is willing to babysit? - Who is willing to cook and clean to the perfection standards of the narcissist? - Which child is willing to co-parent with the narcissist? - Who is trying to seek validation and praise from the narcissist? (i.e. who is the best bet for co-dependency and trauma bonding?) - Who cares a great deal about the opinions of the narcissist? - Who hangs on to every word the narcissist speaks? - Who seems super sensitive to what the narcissist can do to them (trauma bonded, therefor stick with them through thick or thin so they won't be hurt or abandoned)? - Who is willing to fight over the narcissist in order to be "the favorite" and "the chosen"? - Who is willing to take commands without comment or backlash? - Who is acting most dutiful? - How much power and control can the narcissist have over a particular child? (this has the most to do with who is chosen because narcissists are all about being concerned with how much power, control and dominance they have over other human beings, and also with what their reputation is outside the family).
The child who acts "most responsible", "most concerned with what the parent wants", who seems to sublimate the most, will be chosen as the golden child if a "clone" did not materialize in the birth room.
This child can be an empath. This child can also be put in the role of handmaid for the narcissistic parent, and even the entire family. It is an age-inappropriate role where the child is expected to parent the narcissist, do chores consistently, and sometimes for all of the children too, and it can last well into adulthood as well as for a lifetime.
The handmaid may be idealized, but only because they "do, do, do" for the parent, and not because of who they are, what their strengths are, or even for what their potentials are. If they stop the role, they can often be abused, threatened, discarded, get the silent treatment because the parent comes to expect the role, rather than it being voluntary.
Sometimes a parent wants a sensitive empath for the role too because having a bully in the role may put the parent out of control. Some narcissists are aware enough to know that a bully is not only going to bully for the parent exclusively (ensuring that all the siblings stay in role; i.e. policing and tattling on siblings), but for themselves too. And it is easy for them to go from bullying for the parent to bullying for themselves.
However, there are more bully golden children than empath golden children, more than half. Still the under-half is a pretty good representation of how many empaths are chosen for the role.
The other reason that sometimes an empath is chosen for the golden child role over a bully is because empaths are more susceptible to guilt trips, obligation lectures, "you should care" lectures, and victimization stories by the narcissist. They will want to take care of the narcissist. They will want to soothe. They will want to help them. They will feel guilty if they don't take care of the narcissist.
Empaths are also more susceptible to being jerked around via the cycle of abuse (honeymoon, tension, explosion, reconciliation, back to honeymoon) because of their empathetic natures. They fall for the sob stories, the fake apologies, the not-really-mean-it overtures to do better next time, whereas a bully will only fall for it if there are rewards, power, money and control involved, or if they feel their reputation is at stake.
Empaths are also more susceptible to being put in a handmaid role. The parent might say: "I need help and you need to help me with this", "Your baby brother is crying and he needs you to comfort him and I don't have the time", "You always need to think of others first and not for yourself," and so on.
The empathetic child is groomed to be ever more empathetic to the point where his (or her) thoughts are always on how the parent thinks and feels, and on how others in the family are thinking and feeling too. In fact, the point is to bring out evermore empathy in the handmaid.
Handmaids become so sensitized to how people in the family are responding, who needs what, often to the detriment of caring for themselves. Sometimes they are expected to be a martyr, and that is where the narcissistic parent may get some push-back.
The push-back can mean that this golden child gets knocked off the pedestal and scapegoated in the end. If the golden child has become too much of a martyr, they can manifest PTSD symptoms which make them less dutiful (they become triggered by commands; also one of the symptoms of PTSD is an inability to focus, so making mistakes is very likely - and one thing narcissists can't tolerate is mistakes!).
Rejection becomes a huge blow to a child who always assumed they were valued. They find out they are only valued for being useful, and in the role. Now that they can't be in role, they are thrown away like trash.
Following are the four types of golden children that I have noticed in my years of contact with many survivors of child abuse and narcissism: the handmaid golden child, the "star" empath golden child, the empath clone child, and the empath golden child in an exclusive relationship with their parent.
As stated before, the bully golden child is discussed in another post HERE.
THE HANDMAID EMPATH GOLDEN CHILD
The handmaid golden child can alter between being a golden child and a lost child, depending on whether some other sibling outshines him or her (a sibling who has become famous, or won awards, or has become a whiz doctor, or who becomes an astronaut, a sibling that makes the parent "look good" may replace the handmaid in terms of value and attention eventually, thus becoming more of a lost child).
The handmaid child is slightly more prevalent in alcoholic families than in narcissistic families, but the role can happen in both. In alcoholic families, the parents are too inebriated to take on all of the adult responsibilities of caretaking the children, and the chores around the house, so the handmaid child does them instead.
This is the child in an alcoholic family who makes mixed drinks for the parent, opens their beer cans, is always at the ready to "fetch" things for the parent (a pair of glasses, a pen and paper, the phone, diapers for the baby, the remote for the television, the laptop computer from the other room, a straw to stir their parent's drink, some chips and salsa, and so on). These children also often make dinner for the parents. And they are continually relegated to chores: rake the lawn, dig a hole for the new tree, go get the eggs from the chickens, do the laundry, make sure your younger siblings have their raincoats on, soothe your mother who is having a meltdown and has had too much to drink, don't forget to make sure your mother goes to bed early so that she gets up in time to drive you to the doctors, and so on.
They are often relegated as babysitters too, to their younger siblings, to make meals for their siblings, to change their siblings dirty diapers, to fetch toys and pacifiers for their sibling, to put their sibling in a high chair, to put their sibling to bed, to make sure their sibling has brushed their teeth, to make sure their sibling doesn't cross the road and get hit by a car (and take the brunt of blame if something goes wrong), "help your sibling(s) with their homework" - often every evening, "make sure your sibling has a clean set of clothes for the morning", etc.
This is called parentification of a minor. I hope to be covering this topic soon and giving you a link where the bold type exists, but for now, read on:
The handmaid role can also turn into the "fix everything" role too: fix the car, fix the mower, fix the dishwasher, get the viruses out of the computer, help the parent figure out why the refrigerator might not be working, see if there is a hole in the roof and see which roofer has the best recommendations, fix the reason why your parent has gone off the deep edge emotionally, fix the rage your parent is in, make sure you pass your driver's license so that you can do some chores like grocery shopping, etc.
Anyway, parentification can happen in a narcissistic family too, especially if the narcissist grew up with alcoholic parents who were inconsistent in their loving and in their caregiving, were authoritarian in their make-up, hypocritical (expected things from their children they would never expect from themselves), and were arrogant and/or selfish. When they mature and have a child of their own, they may feel that it is perfectly acceptable to have a handmaid child themselves (they have normalized it and now feel entitled to have a child in that role too).
The new child might not be expected to make mixed drinks, but that's about it.
The problem with this role being expected (or else!) is that it will stunt the child's development. A child's real job is in growing up, in learning, in exploring activities, to figure out what their talents and specialties are that they can offer to their own future spouse and children (and/or to the world). When they are their parent's crutch and expected to be the parent's lifelong caregiver, fetcher, and fixer of every household issue, sibling need, and every family member's emotional melt-down, there will usually be some pushback at some point from the handmaid child. Their empathy is taken advantage of and exploited rather than truly appreciated. It also ceases to be a learning experience by the time they repeat the chores so many times. It can also cease when they become a teenager.
Some handmaid golden children stay in this role for the rest of their lives, however. They live with the feeling that this is the only way they will be loved, get through life in one piece and accepted by their parents and family, and are terrified of losing their parents and family members since they have put them at the center of their world by attending to their every need.
Since narcissists tend to have a scapegoat child, and constantly threaten the scapegoat with ostracizing, they also notice how expendable a child can be. Very often it is a "either get bullied by the family or have no support from your family at all" kind of outcome. The terror that they will be ostracized too if they go out of role can overwhelm any other desires they might have: their desires for their own life, their own mate, their own house, and their own children.
Some of them live in with their parent, or nearby, and keep doing chores, fixing things, often expected to give their parent money, and become the primary caretaker and crutch to the parent for the rest of their lives. Taking care of their parent's every want and every need becomes the all-encompassing job. Some of them sacrifice having children, getting married, sometimes having a career (beyond the kind of career their parent wants them to have, that is). Everything they do becomes a parental or family decision too, i.e. the decision-making is taken out of the hands of the handmaid at every point of their lives, even when they are middle aged. They learn to only go places and do things that the parent will approve and not find threatening (or anything that is out of role).
But more often it is not a life long role, despite how many guilt trips and shaming the parent does when the child steps out of role. The reason is simple biology: becoming more autonomous as a teenager. Also teenagers begin to see their parents as mere mortals instead of in an idealized way (some even become somewhat disgusted or embarrassed by their parents), and they begin to re-focus their attention on the opposite sex, peer relationships, and on how they might want to make a living. Some people refer to this stage as "teenage rebellion", but it has more to do with the biology of becoming an adult (the beginnings of making their own decisions, and feeling like they don't need the validation of their parents nearly as much as they used to).
This is all pretty normal behavior, but narcissists often cannot handle it, especially if they have come to count on their handmaid child making their, the parent's lives, better and easier.
So, your question might be: shouldn't a child be helping with household chores and learning how to have empathy for siblings and a parent? Of course. But there are ways parents can do this so they aren't hindering and harming.
The best way to do this is not to put any one child in a role.
You put up a list of chores in a room like the kitchen. Children alternate on evening dishes, helping to cook, helping to sweep, doing outside work, etc. There are ways to make it fun and a productive learning experience. The more you can join in, the more the child likes it. The more you can model behavior that you want to see in your child, the better off you will be in terms of your child's participation. Children are very good hypocrisy detectives and if you want respect, you have to model the behavior you want to see in your child. Always.
That is the short explanation. This post isn't about this, but you can find articles on the web about how to motivate your child to do dishes, do outside chores, to partake in cooking, to partake in family projects, in being empathetic towards other family members ...
Next up is what happens when the handmaid child role is continually expected through the years:
teenage years:
I have already discussed how the child with the handmaid role can start to go out of role as he or she becomes a teenager.
Where it becomes toxic is if this role is expected to continue in the way it did before, or even get better. Narcissists don't necessarily know what is age-appropriate, and they assume all of the service is for them, not for the sake of evolving into an adult. That assumption is where the parent can get into a power struggle with the teenager.
So, let us say the parent heats the house with wood. They count on the two oldest children, a boy and a girl, to keep split wood in the house at all times. Anyway, the girl teenager is staying after school for rehearsal of a school play, and when she is done, it is late, so she messages her parent that she won't be home until bedtime. The other teenager, the boy, has lot of homework, including an important test to study for. He decides to go next door to study with a friend.
The parent, a father, comes home late from work, and perhaps the bar afterwards, and notices that the woodstove hasn't been loaded and that there is no wood stacked in the bin inside the house. When the boy comes home, the father goes ballistic on the son for his failure to take the woodstove situation seriously.
"What's the matter with you? Are you stupid?! You know that you're supposed to load the stove and make sure there is wood in the house!" - now this is disrespectful, and no one, not even a teenager, wants to be treated this way.
The son talks about homework, tests, the pressures of school, what the teacher expects, and it goes right over the father's head. The father talks about responsibility, being aware of what needs to be done, "thinking about others rather than just yourself!", that "you know where you can take your attitude!", and "That's no excuse! You could have studied at any time!", and so on.
The teenage boy is looking at the father as being unable to listen, unable to be concerned, unable to be empathetic and sympathetic, and the father is thinking the same about his son.
Then the father physically pushes his teenager out the door and demands: "You get some wood for the house now! Right now, if you know what is good for you!" - so we have a threat from the father, and an insistence that he get his way. The teenager feels humiliated, disrespected and his manhood is being challenged. He is not a boy any more.
In order not to be humiliated in this way, he takes off for another neighbor's house and then wanders back home when his siblings are getting ready for bed.
The father meets him at the door. "Oh, so you think you are going to just come in this door, do you? You think you are some big shot who can just dis-obey my orders!! Well, just for that, you are going to sleep in the barn tonight! It's going to be a very cold night, down to freezing, so you are going to need all of these blankets to keep warm!" he shouts shoving the blankets at his son. "Of course, I could let you freeze!"
"Damn it, Dad! I'll just go back to the neighbors and tell them that you want me to sleep outdoors for doing homework and studying for a test!"
"No, you won't! If you do that, the consequences are much worse! Take these blankets and make the barn your bedroom until you can behave yourself and apologize to me for what you have done!" The door slams in the teenager's face.
So now the father is threatening, and there are pretty tough consequences, and the teenager is being punished (which is humiliating and resentment-making for a teenager because many teenagers are starting to look at themselves as adults - they aren't full adults yet, but it matters to them in terms of being treated with the kind of respect you give an adult ... and it is necessary for the parent to meet them half-way if the relationship is going to have any semblance of mutual respect in the future).
The parent is also taking out his revenge on the child for failing to follow commands, and a failure to keep in the handmaid role, a role that he usually fulfills. Parental revenge makes no sense at all if you are still trying to teach your children, as the child may normalize revenge himself (and perhaps use it on the parent who started the revenge cycle). Disrespect makes no sense either in terms of modeling behavior you want to see in your child. Your teenager will look at "revenge" and "disrespect" as a normal way to work out relationship problems instead.
Sometimes teenagers capitulate under the pressure of punishments, retaliations, disrespect and dire consequences, but they also tend to resent their parents, and lose respect for them too. Teenage resentment will not necessarily ever go away unless there is an obvious enlightenment in the parent.
The way the father communicated with the son in this example, therefor, is age-inappropriate. But, by and large, this is how many narcissistic parents behave: the abuse and consequences escalate, the retaliations escalate too, the power struggle deepens and starts to divide father and son. The father thinks he will win this power struggle (because he has deemed himself to have way more power than a dependent son) and the son thinks he will win by making plans to renounce his father (devaluing and discarding), and relinquishing the role altogether.
Many teenagers, however, won't capitulate under pressure from an authoritarian parent no matter what. They won't because part of growing up is gaining more autonomy from your parent, including making your own decisions about how you will spend your time and your life. While the parent is pressuring the child to remain a child (infantilizing), the child is pressuring the parent to stop looking at them as a child.
Some handmaids admit defeat in the face of a power struggle, and they can be afraid thereafter of getting out of role again, so they stay in this child role, being ordered around like a slave, sometimes relinquishing part of their adulthood just to please the parent, and because they are terrified of their parent, terrified of the awful consequences, terrified of the lack of support they will receive from an autonomous decision, and terrified of leaving. This is what trauma bonding looks like.
The contrast to this story would be: "I understand that you were studying for a test, and that it was important for you, and it is important for me too that you pass this test, but I'm worried about the woodstove too and keeping the house warm. Could you load some of the bin or get a fire going with what is left in the bin before going next door? If not, I'll have to figure out something else. Or maybe we can figure this out together." And believe it or not, the high majority of teenagers will bring the wood in and stoke the stove. They actually like being regarded as mature and responsible.
For more help on how to handle chores during teenage years, this can be researched on-line too.
Anyway, I hope this illustrates how narcissistic parents try to keep a child in a handmaid role in teenage years. The parent views this type of golden child as only so good as to how much he can fulfill the role of being told what to do, of being empathetic towards his parent's concerns (while they show little empathy towards him), how much he can follow orders, how much perfection and thoughtfulness he exhibits while following the orders, and how many more orders he can take on to keep the household humming along.
Many children equate their value and ability to be loved only by how useful and empathetic they are to the parents and anyone else who needs a duty or a problem solved. Narcissistic love tends to be "utilitarian love", a term coined from Dr. Ramani Durvasula. And you know it when narcissists put you in the handmaid role and rage and call you "useless", "worthless" and "a waste" when you can't or won't fulfill their commands - it is proof of it.
twenties and thirties:
I notice a huge chorus of golden children in groups and forums complain they are still entrapped with their parent, kept from doing anything but being a handmaid, who are still living at home, and that they are envious of scapegoats.
Envious of scapegoats!? The ones who are thrown away like so much garbage and often have to fend for themselves at such a young age, and who sometimes also become a suicide statistic because of the ruthlessness of the discard?
The answer is that neither of these situations are good. They are extremes. The scapegoat is expected to become a full autonomous adult with no family safety net at least by age 18 (and they often start by getting discarded by age 16: sleeping out in a cold barn, or given the silent treatment for long period of time, told they are worthless and that the parent doesn't want to see or hear them, relegated to a basement room with a hotplate, having to do all school activities alone, not having their parent at graduation, and so on). The handmaid golden child, in contrast, is expected to be a child until they are well into their thirties at the very least ("hopefully longer" - the parent might think, trying to manipulate an outcome to make it happen).
In the case of these handmaid golden children, every tactic is used to keep the child entrapped: - "There are dangerous predatory people out there in the world. You are safer with us." - "You don't need to go out on a date. You have everything you need at home." - "You don't need to be successful outside the home. We already consider you successful just the way you are!" - "I'm sorry you thought we came in the middle between you and (your fiancé), but he was never good enough for you! You need a good (fill in the blank) man instead!" Although no man ever will ever be good enough, of course, because a handmaid is suppose to stay home forever. - Dressing them in frumpy styles so that no one will be attracted to them to take their handmaid away, or elope (God forbid!) - these kinds of parents are known for still making decisions on what clothes their handmaid will wear, down to their shoes and coat, and I have heard stories that the parent lays the clothes out on the bed of their adult child too, as though they were still in grammar school! - Constant lectures about why their parent knows best and why you should have the same values that they have. - Often handmaids are expected to work the family business too, or some business that the parent has started just for their adult child, which the parent will run (because Mommy or Daddy deems themselves to know best at how to run a business!) and this keeps them even more entrapped.
All of this is very manipulative and cult-like in that there is constant indoctrination and control of their every movement.
Again, some of them are terrified about leaving, so they will complain in a forum, but stay because of the repercussions of getting their own apartment, or their own job, or their own mate.
Many of these situations have a heavy emotional incest component to them too, which makes golden children feel guilt-ridden if they so much as want to have an autonomous thought, or action.
And of course, if the golden child steps back instead of stepping ever-more forward into the role, the parent freaks out. If lectures and arm-twisting don't work, then the adult child is presented with an all-or-nothing situation: "Go ahead and live on your own then! Don't come back if you run into trouble! You are totally on your own and alone for the rest of your life! You have no idea how hard life is!" - the threats come out.
What often happens in these situations, at least for these women who are in their twenties and thirties, is that they escape the household long enough to find someone to marry. Then they are free. They are still scapegoated in the end, punished in some way, but at least they are not totally alone in dealing with the situation. The parent is likely to reach back in eventually, especially if there is no one available as "fixer" or housemaid, or if there are grandchildren. They look for new recruits for the handmaid role, a grandchild is eyed for it, even a whole family if they can muster it.
what can go wrong for the handmaid golden child:
it turns out to be a lot of things
babysitting:
So suppose your parents left you with four younger siblings to take care of while they went out. You are only 13.
You have a hard time dealing with these siblings while narcissistic Mom is out of the house. The three year old is particularly acting up, grabbing food out of the refrigerator and trying to get it on the counter, but more often dumping it on the floor because she can't reach the counter. To make matters worse the three year old starts eating the dip that Mom told you not to give any of the kids because it's for the party tomorrow.
You are also trying to chase two brothers who are running through the house with squirt guns, and they have already knocked over a table.
None of these siblings would act like this if Mom was in the house!
You keep taking the dip away from the three year old while you are also telling the boys to stop squirting at each other in the house.
No one is listening to you. When the three year old goes to the refrigerator for the fourth time to get the dip out, you slap her on the hand and put her in her room and lock the door for twenty minutes while she wails and you chase the boys around the house.
When Mom comes home she learns that you locked her sweet little three year old in her room, and slapped her hand. "How could you be so cruel! She only wanted dip!" - this happens with narc Moms by the way, these can't-win double binds.
Your little sister punches you while she is wrapped up in Mom's arms and you feel bad that you hurt your sister. "Oh, she was such a meanie! But I'm here now! Mommy loves you!"
"I love you too," you say. "I'm sorry!"
"You best leave her alone now!" Mom retorts back.
That's called triangulation, pitting siblings against each other, creating an environment among siblings of distrust that was never really there to begin with.
Later on Mom scolds you: "What were you thinking! I put you in charge because you are responsible and nice! What happened to the nice girl I know! A nice girl would NEVER put her younger sister in her room for twenty minutes and let her cry like that! Over dip! Give me a break!"
"But I thought --" you say, but your mother waves her hand in a way that she doesn't want to hear what you have to say.
you are always supposed to be nice (like a good sensitive empath should always be):
One problem with always being nice, and expected to alwaysbenice is that it's a poor boundary for you.
And anything that is "an always" in narc-speak has to do with the role: "You should always be nice," "You have always been responsible! What's the matter with you now?", "You should always think of others first before yourself! You've always shown that good side of yourself before! I expect it in the future!", "You always were bad at babysitting", "You were never good at deciphering what to take seriously! Remember that time your sister got into the dip? It was just dip! Bwahahaha!" - not so funny.
Always/Never statements are unhealthy, especially for children. And it is black and white thinking besides, something that narcissists indulge in a lot. Judgements about your character in a black and white context is not fair; it is unjust; it is too simplistic for most situations; it does not use intelligence; and it is too opinion-oriented to be at all helpful.
So, let's say that you were groomed to always be nice and always be empathetic towards other people: nice to your siblings, nice to your parents even if one of them did not treat you all that well, and well, nice to everyone: "She's SUPER nice! Wow! You raised her well!" "Such a nice daughter you have! You must be so proud!" "Some kids are just so nice, you know what I mean? They are always so thoughtful of other people! How does this happen?! It must be genes!" "Such a breath of fresh air to be served lemonade, a sandwich, and even dessert by such a nice sweet girl! She's only nine? Does she serve mixed drinks? Bwahahaha!"
And then, because you are so nice, and your parents are smiling proudly, and your parent's friends are complimenting you and them so nicely, everyone expects you to continue to be nice.
It can be a terrible and dangerous set-up for a lot of kids and young adults who have grown up with this role thrust on them.
These are just some instances where it can work against you:
- A man stops you to ask for directions and you tell him how to get where he wants to go, but he says he can't hear you and waves to you to get closer. Then as you talk and point down the road to where he needs to go you do it with the utmost empathy. He's lost! His feeling lost makes you feel very sad because you've been so trained to be sensitive to how others may be feeling and their needs: and again, his needs are of the the utmost importance to you in that moment ... and then he grabs you!
- One of the siblings that you care for has been hanging out with a bunch of bullies at school, and has decided to try out bullying you too. He notices that your common mother orders you around a lot, and that if your mother doesn't get her way, she punishes you. He decides to try all of this out on you using a combination of what he has learned from the bullies at school and how the parent treats you at home. He orders you around, and your parent is telling you to attend to his needs. However, it becomes obvious this is just a little game to see how much he can order you around and how much you'll do for him. You have other chores to get to, and he follows you around telling you that you need to do what he wants you to do. At this point you laugh and say, "Good try!" But then he says he is serious. Then he throws his dirty clothes at you, and they land right in your face. "Ew! That's disgusting! I hope you didn't poop in any of these clothes!" "What if I did! You wash my clothes now! You're supposed to be nice and wash our clothes!" But you refuse to wash his clothes. Then it becomes a power struggle to see what he can get away with. You still refuse. Then he punches you in the gut really hard the way one of his bully friends does. You run to tell your mother that your brother punched you in the gut, and her response is: "Why would he punch you in the gut!? He's never done that before. Did you punch her in the gut?"
"No," he lies. "Mom, he's lying!" "Maybe you're lying!" she shouts back. "He would NEVER do that, would you?" - again, triangulation comes first in narc-world. You are only a kid and you cry at the injustice. He looks a little sheepish and says, "I'm sorry. I was just trying to pat you on the stomach." It's another lie, and you walk away, seeing that there is not going to be any empathy, reasonableness, listening, research. "You know what's the matter with you? You're too sensitive! A little pat! Cripe!" Your mother yells at you as you walk away. As the years go on, his bullying and lying get worse, and the continual response is that you should be nicer to him so that he won't want to hurt you and that you are too sensitive - typical. You were groomed to be sensitive, and now it's become a fault. - it is a double bind, also typical. The double bind puts the fault squarely on your shoulders (blame-shifting), something that narcissistic parents do when they don't want to be the ones to resolve anything. They deem it is all your fault that you are too sensitive and that you are getting bullied. It is also the way victimization can happen so easily in families headed by a narcissist.
- You are in your thirties and you desperately want to get out of the role of handmaid for your parent. You meet someone at the part time job your parents got for you. You secretly have lunch with him, and one day, he pops the question about wanting to marry you. You accept the marriage proposal. At some point you have to tell your parent and it gives you extreme anxiety. As you expected, your parent goes ballistic, and also tries to break you apart. It doesn't work. The parent also does not show up at the wedding - this is somewhat typical of narc parents - at least I have seen this happen in a number of situations. Your groom takes note on how little support you have. Three years into your marriage, it's a nightmare and you are in a worse situation than you were when you lived with your parent. He won't let you go anywhere; he orders you around the house constantly; it's like he's holding you prisoner; you are depressed, alone and lonely most of the time; and the domestic violence situations are piling up so that you are wounded a lot too. This happens to children put in handmaid roles because they are taught to be nice to other people no matter what (even to be nice to bullies in the hopes that the bully will treat you better).
This is not teaching you good boundaries. Predatory types of people who become domestic violence offenders often are attracted to nice people who have few boundaries, who have been taught to please others to great lengths, and who have no familial support. In fact, you have been taught to be nice rather than to have boundaries. Good boundaries means having a good plan on protecting yourself against any bullying and domestic violence situations. Good boundaries also means a support system. A support system makes it harder for predators to go to the extreme lengths of hurting and traumatizing you to the extent that they are capable because they know that people will defend you.
- Abuse in the family: incest, bullying, co-ercive control, false imprisonment looks the same as being in a marriage with a domestic violence offender except it can seem there is no escape, especially if you are a child. In many narcissistic families, abuse is largely ignored. If someone complains, they are marginalized, treated with disdain, given the silent treatment, ostracized, or threatened. That is because narcissistic parents care more about their image than the events unfolding. Handmaids can especially be vulnerable to abuse. If they complain, they are told to be nicer. What I have seen when it comes to narcissistic families: A high proportion of children who complain about sexual abuse from stepfathers are ostracized. Their parent is even willing to let the state take control and put them in foster care. If other children come forward and complain (which is likely since sexual predation is repeated with other victims), then the parent may divorce and re-unite with their children. Most sibling bullying is ignored in families headed by a narcissist, even egregious bullying. Some children call Child Protective Services (if they are aware enough), or a teacher does the calling. Child Protective Services will remove children who are enduring sibling bullying and often require the parents to go to counseling. This wasn't true a couple of decades ago, so you may have long lasting emotional scars that are still not healed or recognized by your parent(s).
- If you go home to your parent after a bunch of traumatic experiences, they may decide that it was all your fault ("If only you were a little nicer!" - in other words, you are deemed to be not "nice enough" to keep yourself safe from violence and predation - whew! What a message, yes? - but I've seen this happen!) And of course the parent can punish you for going against their orders. And they will expect the same kind of sensitivity, duty, niceness, self effacement that you gave them before.
Some handmaids commit suicide because they felt they were as nice as they could possibly be, that they had reached the apex of "niceness", altruism, unselfishness and self effacement and, in their minds, it still wasn't enough to keep them from being bullied and abused. They felt they were in a hopeless situation with this, and killed themselves.
Girls, especially, are often taught to be nice and self effacing. Maybe they should be taught self defense instead, and that domestic violence and bullying is not their fault. Schools would be a good place to start since narcissistic parents are not likely to do it.
However, handmaid children may not have any abuse committed against them, but still there are drawbacks. Here are a few:
* Because handmaid children are so empathetic, and brought up to be so sensitive to the feelings of others, the narcissist cannot easily triangulate siblings. This kind of empath golden will care too much about how their siblings feel for the narcissist to break them apart (divide and conquer). When the narcissist has a scapegoat, the empath golden will usually not take part in the family bullying against the scapegoat, and in fact may try to protect the scapegoat. Protecting the scapegoat can have consequences (narcissists will demand, even when it comes to bullying), but most of the time the handmaid is just removed from the golden role and put into the lost child role instead (a role where they are somewhat sidelined: somewhat ignored, perfunctorily engaged with, not provoked or bullied, not particularly doted on either, or noticed aside from making sure they stick to their role). It would be out of role for this kind of golden to be insensitive to a scapegoat sibling, and they often cry when asked to take part. "I just can't tell them what you want me to tell them! You always told me to be nice! Well this is cruel!" said through a lot of tears. Some of them can be talked into some insensitivity (especially when the parent spends a great deal of time comparing them much more favorably than the scapegoat), but on the whole, no; it won't work. A lot of empath golden children work underground, out of view, to help siblings who are being abused. "I just wet the bed! Mom is going to KILL me for it! I didn't mean to do it! Help me!" and the golden child may do something to help hide it from Mom. Some of them slip their siblings money when they are in dire straights. I also know personally of a situation where one of three daughters received a Will, but her two other siblings were left out. As soon as she received the money from the Will, she split the money evenly between all three of them. The father's last ditch effort at triangulation did not work. Bravo for the three sisters who saw through this evil tactic and still have a very close relationship! Christina, the child of Joan Crawford, from the movie Mommie Dearest gets enough money together to get her younger brother, who is a teenager, out of jail, and she also fights for an inheritance for him when they are both left out of Joan Crawford's Will. She succeeds. She gives her portion of the proceeds entirely to her brother. Christina also wrote in her autobiography that she did everything to protect her younger brother against Joan's rages and abuse. She would be a prime example of an empathetic handmaid child. When the parent is a Malignant Narcissist or a very punishing breed of narcissist, they find all of this sibling togetherness too much of a direct hit to their fear that the power, control and domination they wield and want ever more of, will be compromised, so prefer the bully brand of golden child instead. But even that has as many pitfalls for them as putting an empath into a golden child role, if not more so (I will be explaining why when I get around to writing that post). Sometimes when a scapegoat child is bullied, the scapegoat child commits suicide. This happens a little too often, in fact. It can effect an empath golden greatly. They may carry around survivor's guilt for the rest of their lives as a result of this. They may also grow to hate their parents. They won't take kindly to hearing their sibling being talked about derisively when they know what really happened, and that the results of "the happenings" had everything to do with the sibling being bullied by the parent(s), even if their parent(s) spent an inordinate amount of time, lectures, and "convincing sessions" trying to blame-shift it off of themselves and on to their dead child.
I haven't seen that blame-shifts work in this regard, at any rate. I know of quite a few of these former golden children who left their parents for good, forever disgusted and heartbroken, without looking back, over the bullying and aftermath suicide of their sibling.
So, as you can see there are a lot of pitfalls to putting a child in a role like this, and also for you, if this was your role.
The next type of empathetic golden child I will talk about more briefly, if only because they have a lot in common with the handmaid role:
THE EMPATH "STAR" GOLDEN CHILD
This role has most of the same kinds of expectations as the handmaid golden child, but in this case the role tends to go to a male whereas the handmaid role tends to go to a female (not always, but mostly).
Also, the other difference is that not only is "the star" a parental and sibling caretaker, they are usually gifted at something too: it can be science, or the arts, or sports, anything. The parent usually does not notice until the kid wins a reward. If one reward does not get their notice, then a number of awards usually does.
So the parent not only uses this child to show how nice he is, but how gifted he is too. They use him to show what great parents they are, really.
The other thing that sets "the star" apart from the handmaid is that when he is making lots of money at his gifts, he might be expected to use his money to put his siblings through college, to buy expensive things for the parents, to still be at their beck and call.
There can be boatloads of guilt for "the star" if the bulk of his income is NOT spent on the family or on the parent(s) every want and need, in fact, even when he has his own children to raise!
"The star's" success can also be so intimidating to the parent's grandiose self, that "the star" often gets advice from the parent(s) like: "You don't need to be a star doctor! Working at the local hospital was always fine for you!", "You don't need to get any further in your career as a singer! In fact, you should probably think of retiring now before you lose your voice, your looks and your stage presence!" (even when they are only thirty).
I have already talked about how narcissist's envy is off the charts in other posts, and that goes for being envious of their children too, but they will also feel threatened by anything that threatens their grandiose sense of self (and therefor their abilities to wield power, control and domination). That's when you hear all of "You don't need to be successful!" kinds of lectures. That's when you hear all of the "It's not THAT big of an award!" kinds of putdowns. That's when you hear all of the "You could have done better than going to THAT (prestigious) University!" Well, you sure do need to be successful! Especially when they are narcissists!
Often a parent doesn't know what to do with this kind of child of theirs. Try to stick him with more obligations and babysitting to sabotage some of the success? Try to bring them down a notch or two, or all the way to the bottom in the "opinion department"? Try to only use him to show what great parents they are for having given birth to a "star child", but reject him and resent him in their own minds? What to do, what to do ...
One thing their siblings notice is that behind "the star's" back, the parent(s) both aggrandize him to strangers and friends, and tear him to shreds privately.
If he is rich, they like it when he invites them on exotic vacations and cruises, and they meet other "stars", of course, but they feel they deserve more, more of what they want, and they also put him down behind the scenes for flaunting his money when they don't have as much as he does (because they are always comparing people; it is what leads to all of the triangulation).
Often this kind of parent feels as though they are walking a tightrope of derision, resentment, and hatred towards "the star", plus getting praise, pride and attention they would not otherwise have received. They feel a lot of humiliation at being caught up in a situation like this, one where their grandiosity, power, control and domination are all very wimpy, and only limited to having given birth to him and raised him. He gets the bulk of the accolades, and they are on the sidelines of it.
However, at the core of all of this for "the star" is sabotage because of the parent'(s) insecurities. How will they be able to count on you to put them first the way you used to do? How are they going to be able to dominate someone who is not vulnerable to domination, someone who can just throw them off and shout: "I don't need you! And you are NOT dominating me!"?
What I have noticed personally, that in the end, these narc parent(s) go in the direction of sabotage and rejection of "the star". Not always, but mostly. While they used him to help his siblings, they also don't like it that he is more of "the favorite" among the siblings than they are. That's the big difference with normal parents: they like it when the siblings foster closeness with each other. So, "the star" helped the siblings too much, in their eyes (that double-bind no-win situation again)!
So then they deride him to the other siblings. They take the crown off of this empath golden and make up stories about him so that the children don't run to him for help, but to them instead.
I know a lawyer, a doctor and a well known artist who were treated this way, and the narc parent not only tried to triangulate their siblings against them, but "the star's" own children too. Needless to say, this triangulation did not work. So, the bet that the parents were making of gaining more dominance, power and control backfired in a big way.
The artist's narc mother rejected her (the artist daughter) once she became "famous." The mother tries to use the "You're not good enough!" self esteem crushing tactic on her, but it doesn't work because she knows she has a narc mother (she educated herself on narcissism), and has loving children, a loving husband who is extremely supportive, and a great number of fans. The people who love her outnumber the single one who doesn't. It's amazing that the mother feels so threatened by her daughter's fame and success, and has to ruin it, even if ever so marginally for her, that she lets it stand in the way of a relationship with her, and her own grandkids! Whew - let that one sink in!
Both the lawyer and doctor have extreme boundaries in place so that their children are not exposed to the parents. The lawyer notices that the new golden child in her family is a home maker, a new handmaid. And the doctor is aware that the golden child in his family is a criminal in charge of his narc parent's medical care (you can't make this up, it's crazy-making! - but that's life with narcissists!).
THE CLONE EMPATH GOLDEN CHILD
Please note: I don't know any of these kinds of golden children personally, but other child abuse survivors have talked about them and there has also been some writing on the internet about them. In these cases, I only know of mother/daughter cases.
The children who assume a clone role seem to be born to a mother who displays sadism: vindictiveness, vengefulness and tit-for-tat spiteful behavior (whether the parents are malignant narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths is something I wasn't told).
At any rate, sadism is usually a sign of malignant narcissism or antisocial personality disorder (the latter being sociopaths and psychopaths).
Some sadists feel that sadism is necessary to get what they want (the arm twisters who think inflicting pain on their child is going to reap good results for them, the parent: these would tend to be your malignant narcissists) and some of them actually get a thrill and a high from sadism, where the sadism is either something erroneous, felt, perceived, or over nothing at all, and is mainly sought to get the high of feeling grandiose and all powerful, and they really don't care what you feel in the slightest (these would more likely be your sociopaths and psychopaths).
Anyway, the golden child has empathetic qualities throughout childhood and tends also to be put in a handmaid role, but because the parent is so sadistic, and never models empathy herself, her child feels that empathy might be a detriment. So she may have displayed empathy in her childhood to her siblings, but at some point feels she must keep it hidden, especially around her mother, and in situations where she might be shamed for showing empathy to a sibling who is being abused by the parent (it's that "go along to get along" kind of pressure). The parent is justifying that the abuse of one of her children is necessary and that no sibling should interfere with that.
What happens is that eventually all qualities that the mother doesn't have are somehow deemed as detrimental in the child: "I can't be successful because Mom will be envious and ruin my life or reject me over it", "I can't show love and compassion to my siblings or I will be perceived as going against Mom", "I can't wear something different that would make her feel envious or critical because she'll hurt me if she is envious and critical", "I can't pursue any dream or career beyond what she has done with her life so that I don't trigger her envy and inevitable rage", "I can't have my own opinions because Mom will constantly pressure me to have her opinions", and so on.
It may be unconscious, but eventually these siblings dress like the mother, have a haircut like the mother, mannerisms and speech patterns like the mother, repeat what the mother says in the same tones, if in a more robotic way, take up hobbies and jobs that are like the mother's, decorate their house like the mother, help the mother in such a way as to mirror how she does tasks. They look like and act like a twin, albeit a younger version of their parent. They tend to go shopping with their mother and buy the same clothes.
They also seem to grow into unemotional beings in that they don't allow themselves to feel anything the mother doesn't want them to feel. You also can't vote contrary to the way they vote; you can't be happier in your marriage than they are in theirs (or at least you have to pretend your relationship is the same); you can't keep a house differently; you can't even cut a pie differently or you will be lectured at as to how to properly cut a pie.
Who knows why this happens, but my big guess is that it is done out of fear. I think anyone with a narcissistic parent with dark traits (sadism, Machiavellianism) knows to downplay success to some degree, to appear to be unemotional when you can be, to agree on the small stuff that your parent wants you to agree with at the very least, but these kids take it to the extreme, become their parent just so they won't be attacked. They probably have a core self that is differentiated from the mother, but they don't dare show it (with the result that it becomes a dimmer and dimmer part of their makeup).
In that story the sister goes from being an empath in childhood, starts to follow advice that will estrange her from her sister in highschool, to adult mirroring of her mother to such an extent that the narcissism is cloned too.
I have tried to find some links on this phenomenon, but only found these to show you:
*Why would my narcissist wife want our daughter to be a mirror/clone of her? - a Quora question answered by Clinical Psychotherapist Karen Arluck. excerpt: People who suffer from NPD have often see their children as extensions of themselves. The more they view their child as being similar to themselves, the more loved, admired, and connected they are likely to feel towards them. Conversely, anytime your daughter chooses another interest, hobby, or preference that is completely different from their narcissitic parent, the more likely it is that the parent will feel rejected, uninterested, and less loving. * What You Need To Know To Free Yourself From Narcissistic Parents - by David McDermott
excerpt: Remember that these parents use mind control to create clones of themselves and this would explain a lot of the narcissistic behaviors of these children.
* Your Narcissistic Mother Hates Your Body, and Here’s Why - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files excerpt: You exist as an extension of herself and an object in relation to her, not as a subject with your own valid and complex identity, traits, feelings, needs, preferences, and boundaries. Whether you function as a source of pride, embarrassment, and/or competition, your body is not your own but rather hers to control, judge, display, reject, or otherwise exploit, neglect, and abuse. * Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children - by Julie L. Hall for the Narcissist Family Files excerpt: Narcissist parents charge a high price for their favoritism: enmeshment and isolation. The narcissist “owns” her/his golden child and demands compliance and loyalty. If that child attempts to break away from the narcissist’s control and/or form relationships of her/his own, s/he faces a battalion of punishments, from guilt trips to judgment, rejection to abandonment, or worse.
I think all of us are capable of chameleon-like responses. In war, you might pretend to be one of the enemy if you are surrounded by the enemy, and you know their language and habits. You do it to get through it alive.
Unlike a war where things are moving fast, being a life-long chameleon to a parent, however, seems like a harsh existence, especially if you have a full range of empathetic emotions underneath your chameleon role, but if your parent is violent, dangerous, highly abusive, and there are also some rewards, I can understand why some kids resort to this. It would explain why some children who are anointed the golden child role are anointed because they "seem" enough like the parent that the parent can keep molding them into evermore of a clone. An empath is not going to be like the parent, but if they have huge pressures from the parent to be a clone, and there are no apparent natural or inherent bullies to take the role, an empath might go down the dark path of being a clone just to survive the experience, and to keep surviving it.
I would imagine that "the clone" would be attacked if she went out of role.
"You imposter!" the parent might say in a rage. "You fooled me! You are so evil to act like a clone and not really mean it!"
So this previously empathetic sibling may feel stuck in this role for the rest of their lives, afraid to reveal anything authentic, never understanding or exploring who they really are as a separate individual, what their opinions might be, what their interests might be, not even how they feel. Narcissistic parents love to tell their children how they feel even if it is not the truth. The clone golden child lets the parent do it, and is defined and imprisoned by the role.
The enmeshment is also at its apex, and with narcissists, if you withdraw from enmeshment, there are huge consequences.
So what can go wrong with having a clone or being a clone besides some of the things I talk about in the other type of goldens?
- You can't afford to show your mother that you might be an imposter, that you were just acting to keep safe. - You have to put her first for the rest of your life because she and you are joined at the hip and what ever she wants is what you have to talk yourself into wanting too. - You can't have a relationship with the sibling that she hates (because you are supposed to be her and what ever she hates you have to hate too). - Most people cannot live or deal with malignant narcissists, so everyone in the family may either be discarded or walk out. When you are all alone with a malignant narcissist and they cannot easily blame or abuse anyone else in the family, you turn into one part scapegoat and one part golden child. You will often be dealing with wild swings from your parent. - You have to ignore other siblings and cousins who have a strong identity, interests of their own, successes that they made on their own, talents they explored on their own, a fashion sense that is much more complimentary to their shape and hair than the "clone one" you have adopted - and by the way, a lot of success stories come from scapegoats. They rebelled against the unhealthy, spirit-stifling, emotion-stifling, intelligence-stifling, incredibly restraining and unethical "clone atmosphere" of the malignant narc or sociopathic family.
- You have to put your mother's happiness always before your own even if you are miserable (she won't care if you are miserable anyway; you are supposed to have the emotions she wants you to have). - You have to pretend to look the other way when she lies, says untrue horrible things about your other parent, including how she treats him. You are also supposed to look the other way if she steals, when she hurts others that you used to care about, when she ruins property you care about, when she makes fun of one of your children who you love and protect, when she sends a prospective spouse of yours away, when she insults your spouse, when your child is sick and she wants your undivided attention for days on end instead ... the price for favoritism from malignant narcissists is pretty darned steep and is usually tinged with immoral behavior ... and if you are a true empath underneath it all, it makes you feel a lot of self disgust that you can't seem to stand up to your parent: it just produces a lot of high anxiety and guilt instead. - Your parent may dangle the "inheritance carrot" in your face, so you work hard for her just to get that reward, justifying all of the unethical situations. And then she decides she doesn't want you to have that money after all when she dies, the idea of you vacationing in the Caribbean or buying a mansion is too much for her (it triggers her envy to the point where she wants to hurt you): it is something she never got to experience! Remember: you are supposed to be her clone, and part of being one is that you don't get to experience what she was never allowed to experience! - very common, especially when it comes to narcissists with a sadistic mindset. - Another situation where the parent dangles the "inheritance carrot" in your face: Say that your scapegoat family member has a wonderful house, a wonderful career, a wonderful spouse, and has never been estranged from any of her children in her life - and it all happened despite the fact that she was scapegoated and thrown away a long time ago. Your mother has told you that you will get the entire inheritance because the scapegoat is bad and doesn't need it anyway (even though your mother hasn't seen your scapegoat sibling in decades), and because she wants you to be well taken care of. The way she talks, she is going to leave you a million! Wow! You go to the lawyer's after her death, and she leaves you 30,000 dollars - also common. It's all that is left after she has spent it down. You have no pension because you've taken care of her your entire life, perhaps no social security for the same reason, and you are supposed to make it through old age on $30,000! - What happens if you get seriously sick or disabled? Let's say your scapegoat sister got thrown away when she was going through an incredibly difficult period of her life, but this would never happen to you because you are so much more special than she ever was to your mother, right? But the problem here is that you aren't a real clone if you are disabled and expect her to take care of you for a change! Malignant narcissists want you to put them first place, not the other way around. The role demands it, and you can't keep in role with your disability or illness. But unfortunately, let us say that your disability is progressive, and you won't be able to fulfill the role. So she throws you away at the height of your illness or disability and gets in touch with the scapegoat, trying to convince the scapegoat that she loves that scapegoat after all, and that the golden child "disappointed her" - it happens.
- And back to the scene where your sibling(s) are committing suicide because of the sadistic, cruel and abusive environment of the family (it happens: sometimes most of the family goes this way). You are now alone with your mother. Is being a clone going to keep you from the same fate? Will you grieve or put on an uncaring face the way she does just to "clone" her on this too? Will you explain away the suicides as she does: "all their fault?"
And what are the drawbacks for the malignant narcissist or sociopathic Mom? Here are just a few too:
- You have driven almost everyone away with your cruelty and malice except your clone daughter. What happens if she dies? Will you try to convince your scapegoat daughter (or son) that you actually loved them when you've showed them otherwise most of their lives? Will you make a lot of excuses and cry pathetically to get your scapegoat(s) back again? Will it be believed? And what if the scapegoat(s) knows so much about narcissism, and knows that you will triangulate out of habit that she doesn't want you back again? - What are you going to do with this compulsion to triangulate and dominate everyone in sight with people who no longer respect you and don't want your domination, your promises (that never materialize)? It's a mighty strong compulsion in you, but does it make sense to keep it? - Do you like it that people feel like they are talking to a brick wall when they talk to you? That you can't compromise at all, and they get tired of this unwillingness to compromise? - Are you happy that you drive people away with your insults, hyper criticisms, gaslighting, narcissistic tactics? - I bet no narcissist will ever get through these questions because they will find them provoking (the rage will come out: "I'm not listening to this drivel by this two-bit author!"), but an empath golden child might - have a look around you: is it right to be pressured into an enmeshed exclusive relationship with your parent; is it right to force a sibling to get along with an abusive family member; is it right to feel elated because you have been chosen by a parent who is morally bankrupt?
THE EMPATH GOLDEN CHILD IN AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PARENT
These golden children are not necessarily clones of their narcissistic parent, but the parent seeks to make them their best friend through rewards. You go on trips together and sleep in twin beds in the same room; you share the same house; you make dinner together; you share the same friends; you sacrifice a life of your own to be best friends with your mother (or father).
You put your parent higher in priority than anyone else in your life, including a partner and children, or if you are unmarried, of having a partner and children. Your parent comes fist in every way.
Do you feel like there will be fall-out for being married? Or putting most of your attention into your children?
These golden children will even brazenly tell you that their parent is their best friend.
They show great empathy towards their parent, but like the clone, that empathy does not necessarily extend to the other parent, or the scapegoat sibling, or any family members in the same all-encompassing way (you will know if you have a scapegoat sibling because the scapegoat's concerns are not addressed; they often are estranged or on the sidelines; they are often lectured to about getting along with a bully or sexual predator in the family, and they are called crazy).
One of the big drawbacks to having an exclusive "best friend" relationship with a parent that excludes your sibling, is that it isolates you with your parent. When your parent dies or gets sick, you may not have anyone else. Insensitivity and going along with insensitivity to other members' plights in order to have an exclusive relationship with a parent will breed some separation, loneliness for you, and resentment from them. It's like Martin Luther King's quote about "the appalling silence of the good people."
When all you have left in your family are people you have treated with appalling silence and insensitivity to their feelings and plight, it can be make you feel very alone in the end.
IN CONCLUSION
The golden child has a lot of decisions to make when it comes to being crowned.
Will you insist on forging your own life, or be the parent's handmaid?
Will you be triangulated against your siblings? Your other parent? A stepparent? Your spouse? Your children? - because that is what happens in a lot of these situations.
Will you sit by while abuse happens to everyone else in the family even if it doesn't happen to you?
What will you do at family get-togethers: listen to endless insults, put-downs, and criticisms of family members you love and care about, or will you sit silent and let it happen?
Do you feel like you have to adopt their opinions, feelings about others, their perspectives, their world views in order to get along with them?
Are you afraid of your parent's reaction if you stand up to them when they are blatantly lying about people in the family? Or will you let them get away with lies and smear campaigns against your other parent, or other members of the family? Do you take part in it to keep safe?
Are you allowing a parent to tell you who in the family you can talk to and who you can't? Are there great pressures to be loyal only to them and their wishes?
Are you hanging out in the toxic environment of the narcissistic family to get a reward like an inheritance (the thing that abusive parents use to get their kids to comply with domination and control of you)?
Something to think about:
Most people are concerned about their spouse first, their children second, their parent third and their siblings fourth. In narcissistic families, it doesn't tend to look like that.
A narcissistic parent will want you to put them first, always. Are you willing to put them first, and are you also willing to have your spouse on the back burner? And your children too? - Narcissistic parents are known to manipulate this. And all the while they will be trying to convince you that they are smarter and know how to run your life when it comes to how you relate to your spouse, your children and your siblings. If you are a true empath, where is your empathy for everyone else that inhabits your life? Or does your empathy only go to your parent, and exclusively to your parent?
The narcissist and the golden child (Narcissistic Family Roles) by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:
The narcissist and the handmaid (narcissistic family roles)
Being a golden child is like being the narcissistic parent’s mini me. They aren’t allowed to be themselves, nor are they allowed to be imperfect, because that would reflect badly on the parent. Whilst they seem to have it easy, the reality is that they are always on stage being scrutinised, usually suffering from a permanent and crippling case of performance anxiety. To be in the narcissist’s spotlight is to be constantly judged. Having one’s inevitable flaws held up to the cruel and critical gaze of the narcissist.
I don’t have access to any proper studies, but my own experiences would suggest the vast majority become narcs themselves. Scapegoats, no, if anything they become anti-narc, they have seen the dark side, so they veer away as soon as they become aware of the term. They have all the baggage that being a golden child brings- the arrogance, the insecurity, the hot and cold, jealousy, lack of empathy, lack of trust, no friends. You’d think they’d try very hard to avoid becoming like the parent, but it’s the opposite, and they always have kids, so it goes on down the line. All that toxicity in one family is truly appalling to behold. So when they become a narc themselves they behave as all narcs do, in a selfish, friendless, loveless way, and hurt everyone they come across. This is the dark side of narcissism. If it was all just boasting and flamboyant dress it would be tolerable if a bit annoying, but it is much darker than that. Narcs are unpleasant people, self-obsessed and simply not nice to be around. They damage people. So I am on a campaign to educate everyone about narcissism, and the dangers thereof. My little answers can only provide a snapshot, in relation to a tiny aspect of narcissism, and it is a big subject, so you need to study it to understand it properly. This will pay enormous dividends. You will be able to better deal with any narcs you are stuck with, like relatives, and will be able to see what is going to happen if you have the misfortune to be in a relationship with one, so I am recommending everyone learns about it by reading. And you will be able to spot one , and take evasive action. Everyone normal should become an expert on narcissism. This is surprisingly easy, because they always act the same, all the time, and they do the same things to people over and over again. There is a narc pattern. So one good book will do it. The best book I ever found on narcissism generally is Prepare to be Tortured- the price you will pay for dating a narcissist. AB Jamieson, Amazon ...
