Once Narcissists Try to Hurt You, They Don't Want to Stop. It's One of Many Reasons Why Most Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Eventually Leave Them.

(edited)

So, before you shame the next victim of narcissistic abuse for divorcing their spouse, or for a child who prefers to be estranged from a parent or sibling, or for letting a rift come between two best friends, consider that the reason may be that one of them has many or all of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that this narcissist is actually on a campaign to hurt the person they claim to love.

And if they do have this personality disorder, plus some power over you, and they have hurt you once, and continued to try to hurt you, consider that narcissistic traits in the "hurter" might be the culprit.

Some reasons why narcissists want to hurt other people, and why they go on retaliation and revenge binges:

* when they feel hurt over your complaints or criticisms about them, or in situations they manage
     They take complaints and criticisms as insults to their ego, an ego they feel must be worshipped, not found to be at fault. When dealing with others' complaints and criticisms, narcissists rage. They feel disappointed in the messenger of those complaints and criticisms. For covert narcissists and malignant narcissists, they most often want to seek revenge.
     Take note however: most narcissists believe that you have no right to complain about or criticize them because they put themselves in higher status and value than others, whereas they criticize other people in extreme ways: insults, degrading comments, false narratives, smear campaigns with only a little truth, fantasy scenes which make you seem to be the instigator.
     They call on others to have a bad opinion of you even if they don't know you, calling on others to hurt you.
     In fact, they try to out-do you in extreme ways with complaints and criticisms, as well as take on aggressive behaviors. 
     This shows a number of things:
     -first: that they have narcissistic traits, and maybe even the whole personality disorder, and possibly even other personality disorders too, especially if the revenge is so extreme that you wonder when they'll be done, or they use sabotage, crimes, physical abuse, and physical injury or attempted murder  to make their point, the sign of either malignant narcissism or psychopathy. 
     -second: entitlement. Narcissists feel entitled to hurt you, but that you aren't entitled to walk away from them because of the hurt they caused. They also believe you are not entitled to defend yourself against their attacks, or to call the police if a crime that they instigate or get someone else to instigate against you seems connected to them, or to live happily ever after without them. They can't stand any of these, so there is a great resentment against others' boundaries. 
     -third: boundaries. They believe they are so special that they have a right to traverse and crash everyone's boundaries. This includes emotional, mental and often physical boundaries. It also includes a right to interrogate you, or demean you.
     If they are home invading, stealing, stalking, trespassing, and sabotaging, this points more towards Antisocial Personality Disorder or Malignant Narcissism.  
     
* when they feel slighted when you don't invite them to important events in your life, or to a party, and believe it means they have a right to seek revenge over it
     Narcissists feel too important to be taken for granted, forgotten about, overlooked, or to be unwanted company.
     They assume they control others more than they actually do (they even think they control others' thoughts and opinions), that they are always the most important person in the room, that people always listen with baited breath to what they have to say while disregarding what others have to say, that others will always be careful not to step on their ego ("walking on eggshells"), that they "own" the event to which they are invited to some degree. They are not at events to get to know others except in gleaning information on how much influence they, the narcissist, can insert into conversations. This is one way they find both new narcissistic supply and new victims.
     Since "not being invited" is a bruise to their ego, their highly crafted "perfect persona", and sense of importance, entitlement and grandiose visions of themselves, they tend to get hurt and retaliate. 
     They may do a tit-for-tat and stop inviting you to their events too, but more likely they will go way beyond that in revenge-seeking. 

* when they feel they are losing control and power over you or over the events in your life that they believe they have a right to control
     One of the big things narcissists feel they have a right to control are the weddings of their children (and to some extent their grandchildren). This includes the cake, the guest list, the dress or tux, and anything else they can think of. It's the rare narcissist who says, "You can run your wedding any way you want to. If you need my support, I'm here for you." That is so obvious in forums for child abuse survivors. 
     That is the more well known control they exert, but there are also plenty more.
     If you are in a close personal relationship with them, they also feel entitled to control what you say, how you say it, where you go, what you do, what you tell them, who you have relationships with, what career you choose, how you manage your career, how you dress, what you do with your hair, everything. They are even known to try to micro-manage situations they aren't part of and know nothing about. 
     If you are in a work environment with them, they typically use gossip, tell false narratives to the boss, sabotage your work, take credit for your work and other maneuvers to make sure they are promoted and that you are demoted (or fired). Note: if bosses don't look into situations carefully, they can be taken in by narcissists. If they are adamant that the narcissist is right, then you can't talk them out of it. You can read my post on enablers and flying monkeys in narcissistic abuse to understand the dynamic. The work environment is likely to get more toxic than less toxic if narcissists are promoted. 
     If they've gained that kind of control over you, and feel they are losing it later on, or if you've come upon a false narrative or two that they've told about you, and you are showing distrust of them over these facts, then they are likely to go on a revenge binge. 
     They don't like losing power and position, and have to know they are always going to get more power, not less of it, and while rage is certainly part of losing power for them, it's a rare narcissist who won't retaliate too. 

* when you aren't walking on eggshells for them
     Narcissists feel they are too sensitive, that they need special care and that your duty is to be careful around their super sensitive feelings. 
     Fine, but they aren't sensitive to other people's feelings by a long shot because of their profound lack of empathy. 
     This makes it very difficult to be super sensitive to them when they are hammering away at you with such callousness. 
     When you've had enough, they'll play the victim. The only person they notice who is hurt is them, always and forever, because again, they don't care about your feelings (because of their lack of empathy). 
     If you don't come rushing to their aid immediately, when they want it, they feel you are a calloused brute who can't toughen up when they hurt you. So they want to hurt you more. 
     There is so much hypocrisy in these situations that it is hard to turn yourself inside out to address their feelings when most likely, because of their narcissism, they instigated it, they took hurting you to such extremes, they never offered a realistic resolution, and all you want to do is leave.
     Their playing the victim in these kinds of situations perhaps nauseates you too. 
     When you aren't taken in by their being the victim instead of acknowledging that they victimized you, then they start playing the victim in front of others, inserting a lot of false narratives about what happened between the two of you, making sure they turn you into the instigator, making sure they make everything that happened totally your fault, etc. Believe it or not, a lot of narcissists still expect you to save their sorry ass. 
     When you don't save their ass, they go on a revenge binge. 

So let's say they have decided the best way to react to being hurt is to go on a retaliation spree. Where does it end? How much destruction satisfies them? And do they keep wanting to hurt you once they have started?

Yes to all of it. 

For part of this answer, I went to Google AI and Google Search. I give you the Google AI answer below in dark red, and you can search through articles through the same link. 

There's a saying, "Hurt people hurt people," and it often applies to individuals with narcissistic tendencies. While it might seem counterintuitive to keep hurting someone they've already harmed, several factors contribute to this behavior: 

Lack of Empathy and Self-reflection

* Narcissists struggle with empathy, meaning they have a diminished ability to understand or share the feelings of others.

* They may not fully grasp the depth of pain they inflict because their reality is distorted and focused on their own needs and perspectives.

* This lack of self-awareness makes it difficult for them to recognize the impact of their actions or take responsibility for causing harm. 

Underlying Insecurities and Fragile Ego

* Despite appearing confident, narcissists harbor deep insecurities and a fragile sense of self.

* To protect their ego, they may employ defense mechanisms like projecting their flaws onto others and blaming them for their own insecurities or past traumas.

* Hurting others can be a way to regulate their own emotions and boost their self-esteem, even if it's temporary. 

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

* Narcissists may engage in a cycle of abuse that includes love bombing, devaluation, and discard stages, where the victim is idealized, then criticized and put down, and finally cast aside.

* When a narcissist feels challenged or threatened, they may lash out in narcissistic rage, which is characterized by intense anger and a need to regain control.

* This cycle perpetuates as the narcissist struggles to maintain a sense of superiority and control, and may repeat hurtful behaviors to ensure the victim remains under their influence or subservient to them. 

Pleasure from seeing others suffer

* Some narcissists, especially those with sadistic or malignant traits, may derive pleasure from the pain and humiliation of others, according to Medium.

* They may see it as a way to prove their own superiority and get the "narcissistic supply" they need to feel good about themselves. 

It's important to remember that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder or strong narcissistic traits are operating from a place of deep pain and insecurity. While it's crucial to acknowledge the harm they cause, it's also essential to understand the underlying psychological factors driving their actions. 

If "the retaliations" are scary and seem like the actions of a "disturbed person" and they are escalating, this article by Psychology Today called "The Hidden Danger of the Homicidal Narcissist

When ego threats, perceived slights, and romantic rejections can lead to murder" might be helpful.

Note: Most victims of narcissistic abuse tend to downplay the amount of danger they are in (meaning they are usually in much more danger than they realize). 

So here are some traits to watch out for to tell whether you are in any danger. The more of these things there are, the more dangerous the person is.

* A need to get negative narcissistic supply from you
Negative narcissistic supply would mean the narcissist is feeding on these emotions from you:
      being upset and sad: being upset means, to them, that they have control over your emotions, that if they try to upset you, they will realize they have that kind of power over you. It's another sign to them that they can make a puppet out of you. If you are bothered by them throwing out your clothes, they'll be sure to "up" throwing your clothes away just to upset you, and then play dumb afterwards. 
If you are sad, to them it means they have managed to effect you in a negative way. They may do things that upset you more. If you don't like your dog running in the street, they will send your dog out to run in the street and then play dumb afterward. If you don't like ginger cake, they'll buy you a ginger cake especially for your birthday. If talking about a certain subject makes you feel sad and you don't like to re-visit those sad memories, they'll make constant excuses as to why they need to keep bringing it up. 
     sabotaging you: a lot of negative narcissistic supply comes from sabotaging you. Let's say you get a promotion at work, and they not only do not celebrate the event with you, they also decide to rage at you and start an erroneous argument so that your attention is on them instead of your promotion. They might call your boss up at work and tell them you didn't deserve the promotion because you have serious psychological problems (when you don't). Then they refuse to talk to you for three days. 
     getting you angry: They provoke you and bait you in ways that they know will get you angry and reactive. Once you become reactive, they tell you that you have serious mental health problems to get that angry at them. Then they tell you the argument was all your fault without taking accountability for provoking and baiting you for a response. This is also a bullying tactic, by the way. 
     getting you jealous: Again, they provoke you and bait you to get you jealous. They talk about what great sex they had with their ex. They talk about how attractive a woman is at work. If you go to a dance, they spend most of the night dancing with others and keep looking at you to see if you are reacting. In extreme cases they have affairs and flaunt them in your face, but then act surprised, devastated and vengeful when you file for divorce. They can even say things like "You never cared about me to file for divorce!" 
     controlling the conversation to get negative reactions out of you: blaming you for things you did not do, blaming you for things you did not say, blaming you for thoughts you do not have (called perspecticide). Any actions that show that they do not value you, who you are, what you do, or what you have to say is usually to get a reaction out of you. Stonewalling and silencing you is also one of the ways narcissists try to control what is discussed, when it is discussed, and how it is discussed. If they don't get their own way in this regard every single time, they have a tantrum, and often refuse to talk to you at all. 
     sending the message that no one cares about you: This usually is a bullying technique meant to make you feel alone and lonely, without support from a single soul, an outcast, a shunned person that no one in the world will accept. Except that it usually comes with false narratives about you, and lots of smear campaigns to get other people doubting you and siding with the narcissist way before they want others to shun you. In other words, it is premeditated, an insurance policy in case you "buck" their control.
     Part of why they do this is to get you wanting to get approval from them and the group, especially their brainwashed group. This tends to work in their favor in the short term, but not in the long term. If this is the first time they do this, the negative reaction they want is probably what they will get: you'll feel alone, lonely and shunned. 
     If they keep doing it, you'll probably figure out it is an obnoxious game they want to play to get you afraid and reacting, and to keep you from seeking other avenues of genuine support, instead of the very tenuous support they show you.  
     getting reactions out of you where you feel afraid, intimidated, threatened, anxious and/or hunted: This is generally referred to as coercive control. This is the most dangerous of negative narcissistic supply, but I bet it comes with all of the others I have mentioned first or in tandem with it. If it includes sadism too, there is even more danger to it. 
     Their wanting to get negative narcissistic supply out of you doesn't get better, and can get much worse.
     The amount of narcissistic supply they get from others is never enough. They always want more. Now imagine that their main source of narcissistic supply is the negative kind. This means they'll be increasing the amount of hurt they give you, sometimes to the point of sadistic acts. 
When therapists tell you that abuse escalates, listen to them. Getting negative narcissistic supply is part of it. 
     
* If there is gang bullying going on, it can be more dangerous than one sole narcissist bullying you because brainwashed fools in numbers tend "not to be smart".
     They aren't being smart about what they are doing because they are brainwashed. They have given up any kind of moral convictions in order to please the narcissist. They have also given up on their own independent thoughts to act on the narcissist's behalf.
     The dynamic doesn't change because of the number of people involved (and the co-supporters of the bullying will justify each bullying incident)
* When family mobbing becomes dangerous (Google Search and Google AI)
* When the golden child participates in family mobbing (Google Search and Google AI)
* The enabler parent in the narcissistically abusive family - by therapist, Jay Reid (You Tube)
* Dirty Secrets: The Hidden Truth of Family Mobbing and Scapegoat Abuse #scapegoat #toxicfamily - by Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT Scapegoat Abuse Expert (You Tube)
* An INSIDIOUS type of narcissistic BULLYING - by Dr.Ramani Duvasula (You Tube)
* Family scapegoat, prized, needed and envied | Diane Collins | TEDxFederalHill (You Tube)
* Are family scapegoats sometimes killed? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Signs Your Family is Using You as the SCAPEGOAT - by Psych To Go (You Tube)
* Are authoritarian families more abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Are authoritarian parents more abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Family mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Friendship mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Workplace mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Why are daughters more at risk in family mobbing? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Who Fares Worse?

How boys and girls of narcissistic mothers can be impacted. - by Claire Jack Ph.D., and reviewed by Devon Frye for Psychology Today
* Why do narcissistic mothers hate their daughters? (Google Search and Google AI)
* 10 symptoms of daughters of narcissistic fathers (Google Search and Google AI)
* 10 symptoms of sons of narcissistic fathers (Google Search and Google AI)
* When your father is a malignant narcissist (Google Search and Google AI)
* My family is a narcissistic bully and keeps bothering me. What should I do? - Quora question
* What are the 3 R's to break the cycle of violence? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Domestic Violence (professional definition) - by Martin R. Huecker, Kevin C. King,  Gary A. Jordan, William Smock, for University of Loisville, Muhlenberg Community Hospital Greenville, University of Tennessee, National Library of Medicine (professional research paper)
* Signs and Effects of Workplace Bullying - by Sherri Gordon  and reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS for Very Well Mind

* Insults are a sign of danger too.
     This means they are devaluing you. When they've devalued you, they don't care what you feel, or how you feel, or how much damage they've done. Not caring about how you feel gives them the entitlement to treat you badly, with even more insults - or at least that is what they tend to think. To them, you've lost their esteem of you. 
How insults contribute to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)

* Arrogance is a sign of danger because it means the narcissist won't really hear you or listen to you because they have the attitude that they know best, that their mind and perspectives are better than yours. So if you want to tell them how you feel, grandiose narcissists will talk over you (not let you get a word in edgewise), covert narcissists will tell you that isn't how you really feel (and lecture you about how you feel something else instead), and malignant narcissists will tend to get angry because they don't want to talk about how you feel (it simply doesn't matter to them at all). 
     Arrogance tends to contribute to narcissists having confirmation biases and being blind to knowing anyone else other than themselves, so they will not necessarily care if they put you in danger, or someone else does. 
How arrogance contributes to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)

* Controlling behaviors:
Coercive control consists of threats, humiliation and intimidation. Usually there are fear tactics, interrogation tactics, revenge tactics if you are prone to autonomous thoughts and decisions, isolation tactics to keep you from relating to common friends and family, and gaslighting tactics to get you to question your own mind. Coercive control usually goes with domestic violence or precedes it. Therefor it is dangerous. 
Managing you as though they are your boss, teacher, or spiritual leader, and trying to keep you from your own autonomous decisions is a common type of coercive control. This means if you have an autonomous thought or ambition you are being talked out of it to take on the controller's perspectives, ways of doing things, thinking style and opinions. Sometimes you might experience revenge or threats from them if you don't "do what you are told to do" or "think the way they want to think" or "feel the way they want you to feel". Usually this kind of action is only for their benefit, not for yours. They also tend to give you negative reinforcement than positive reinforcement to get you back under their control. Negative reinforcement always comes with dangers. 

* A Guide to Coercive Control

How to recognize this subtle yet dangerous form of domestic abuse - by Shelley Flannery for Domestic Shelters
Excerpts:
     ... Evan Stark, Ph.D., a forensic social worker and author of Coercive Control, estimates between 60% and 80% of female domestic abuse survivors have experienced coercive control beyond physical and emotional abuse. And a brief on the subject by Andrea Silverstone, RSW, executive director of Sagesse Domestic Violence Prevention Society in Canada reports more than 95% of domestic violence victims experience coercive control. ... 
     ... While coercive control can be found in any type of relationship, it’s most common in heterosexual relationships in which the man uses coercive control against the woman. In fact, about one in three women who experience intimate partner violence report being the victim of coercive control as compared with about one in 20 male victims of domestic abuse. Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, says she believes this is due to pervasive sexism. ... 
     ... Coercive control may not be explicitly outlawed in every state, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a red flag. In a review of intimate partner homicides in New South Wales, Australia, 100% of cases involved prior coercive control while just over half of offenders had previously been physically violent toward their partners. In other words, violence doesn’t always escalate incrementally. In more than 40% of intimate partner homicides, offenders who had previously used coercive control against their partners killed them with no reports of physical violence in between. ... 
* Does coercive control lead to domestic violence (Google Search and Google AI) 
* Does coercive control lead to criminal behavior (Google Search and Google AI)  

* Who is most at risk of becoming a victim of coercive control? - Women's aid, under the article, "What is Coercive Control?"
* 9 Signs of a Relationship with a Controlling Partner - by Hilary I. Lebow and medically reviewed by  Lori Lawrenz, PsyD for Psych Central
* Recognising the Difference Between Love and Controlling Behaviour in Relationships: Warning Signs - by the administrators of National Legal service Solicitors (UK)
* Why is coercive control illegal? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Why isn't coercive control illegal in many states in the USA?  (Google Search and Google AI)
* What do you call someone who wants to control everything? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Do criminals use coercive control? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Isolating you from others is often part of every narcissist's agenda. Again, this usually comes with a lot of smear campaigns with false narratives that they tell others long before your relationship with them seems to be in trouble. Narcissists use smear campaigns as their insurance policy to hoard the people that you both know with fake charm and false narratives about your sanity, so that you will be shunned and unsupported by their sycophants and other minions when you do break up with the narcissist.
     If these minions are brainwashed for a long time, they won't want to hear your side of things.
     Isolating is another aspect of Coercive control that can be more obvious than other traits. 
* How domestic violence offenders try to isolate their victims (Google Search and Google AI)
* ISOLATION TACTICS – How victims of Domestic Abuse fall into the trap - National Centre for Domestic Violence
* How isolating a victim contributes to victimization (Google Search and Google AI)
* How does isolation lead to victimization? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age - by Günnur Karakurt and Kristin E Silver for Violence Vict., and National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology, Pub Med Central (professional paper) - section on isolation

* male perpetrators who are loners, outcasts or have endured loneliness and social isolation for years or decades: The Cultural Roots of Loneliness and Violence

* Research with boys helps us understand the roots of loneliness and violence. - by Niobe Way Ed.D. for Psychology Today

* Entitlement can mean they feel entitled to do anything and get away with anything. 
How does entitlement figure into domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI)
Can spoiled children become abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Breaking your property is often a precursor to physical abuse. It is also a type of revenge, and revenge in any close personal relationship is definitely a more serious kind of danger. 
Property Damage in the Domestic Violence Context - by D. Kelly Weisberg, UC Hastings College of the Law, for UC Law SF

* Lack of empathy is another danger sign. If they don't care about you, they won't care how things affect you unless they are into negative narcissistic supply and sadism.
     Lack of empathy with threatening, menacing behavior? Particularly dangerous.
Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders (Google Search and Google AI)

* Lack of any regret or accountability for hurting you - more dangerous. A sign of Antisocial Personality Disorder which can co-exist with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 
     Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders is particularly dangerous.
     However, even if they have a habit of apologizing, it doesn't necessarily mean they've reformed. It doesn't necessarily mean they have regrets either. This is especially true if they keep hurting you in the same ways over and over again via a cycle. 
* Lack of remorse or regret in Antisocial Personality Disorder - (Google Search and Google AI)
* The Remorse of Abusers
Too much can lead to more abuse. - by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. for The Resilience Center of Houston

* Criminal past, criminal tendencies, or a criminal mindset - even more dangerous. A lot of narcissists will break codes of conduct, like having extra-marital affairs on partners (the partner thinks they are in a monogamous relationship and is shocked to find they are not, for instance), or playing around with damaging gossip, or hiding addictions, or saying "I do" for the fifth time in terms of being faithful in their marriage, and insulting others in institutions like schools that expect polite discourse, but most of narcissists fall just short of committing crimes. 
     For those narcissists who do commit crimes, there is usually some element of Antisocial Personality Disorder. 
     The crimes can be taking things that aren't theirs but have no value on the lower end of criminal activity. Murdering you is on the higher end of criminality obviously. The amount of Antisocial Personality Disorder that is mixed in with Narcissistic Personality Disorder depends largely on what they do and say.
     A person that cannot take any complaint or criticism without wanting to hurt you in extreme over-reactive ways might be someone high in Antisocial Personality Disorder, especially if they cannot tolerate any kind of autonomous decisions or thoughts from you either. 
     Micro-managing you in extreme ways so that you are constantly being monitored and told how you are making mistakes, and raging at you about the mistakes you are perceived to make, and punishing and insulting you for your perceived mistakes, especially when you are a full adult, is another trait of Antisocial Personality Disorder. 
     Sometimes it is hard to tell what criminal deeds they've done until after the fact since narcissists also have a strong need for positive validation from society tend to put hiding their criminal acts first.
     The truth can come out as late as when they've been arrested for some other crime in the past, or it comes out in court from the prosecution lawyers that they've committed crimes before and have many victims. 
     So don't necessarily assume they've never committed crimes.
If they have strong Machiavellian tendencies that can be a sign of a criminal mindset as the focus is mostly on deceit and self serving interests.
     A "criminal mindset" can mean they are focused a lot on "getting their own way" in issues where property is joint, or children are joint, or where they make plans to "get" what they want out of a relationship without considering you or your feelings. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often much more focused on revenge over matters which aren't meant to hurt them. While normal minds can be focused on revenge, it is more episodic and rarely carried out. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting money, material possessions, lying about other people to gain favor, and rewards at the expense of others. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting rid of people or manipulating people to get an unfair advantage over them (power) or to take something from them. 
     A "criminal mindset" uses an incredible amount of charm, politeness and love bombing in order to gain favor and entry into someone else's life in order to gain something for themselves. They also use it in cases where their real motivations are not easily detected. Most narcissistic criminals are much more charming and affectionate than non-criminals. They act over-familiar, and over-intimate. The love bombing is usually intense, with a lot of flattery, a lot of mirroring of your likes and dislikes, and memes that you later find out were insincere. However, if you're not bowled over by them and their love bombing, or accept them right away (take things slowly), they can be rejecting, snippy, feel insulted and angry - that shows their entitlement. Entitlements is another danger sign.
     A "criminal mindset" is also about getting away with things as much as possible.  
     A criminal mindset is very unlikely to change. If you tell them how you feel, how their actions effect you, the damage their actions have done, or the repercussions in their own life, or with their own family and society at large, they are still not likely to change a bit. These people are "all about themselves and what they want" so much so that they really can't focus on others. They will not have empathy, and they tend to act on impulse when their needs become "overwhelming" to them.
     Some of them make elaborate plans "to get the most out of situations that aren't immediately rewarding them". It is who they are, in other words.
     They may promise to stop stealing, or stop home invading, or stop dealing drugs, or what ever their specialty is, but overwhelmingly they don't unless they feel that arrest for their crimes and attempted crimes is imminent. They tend to go for more vulnerable victims, victims who are not suspecting or show weakness at being talked into things. 
     A lot of people describe criminal narcissists and psychopaths as intelligent. However, committing crimes and lying about their intentions is not difficult. The difference is that if we act like they do, we feel sick. If they do it, they don't, and have very little conscience about their actions. They use your empathy and trust to gain access to you, to take from or manipulate you for their own gains. The real word for criminals is "predatory" and "Machiavellian" instead of "intelligent". The latter uses plans and deceit to get what they want, but many criminal plans usually can be detected by law enforcement, especially with technological advancements: DNA, social media and sightings, warning signals, cameras in every city and most businesses, drones and satellites, among other investigative techniques. Thus most criminals do not have "unusual intelligence" to go undeciphered. If you have a sense that something is "not right" about a person, or someone you know has the traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder, never meet with them alone. Crowds are best. 

     Narcissism is often described as a personality disorder with arrested development. When a child is born, they focus overwhelmingly on their own needs, and on getting those needs met by a caregiver. However, as they grow older, and as empathy develops in a normal way, they stop thinking of the world as "I got to have --" and "I have to get my needs met by others", and "I'm the most important person in this relationship".
     As the enmeshment with the caregiver weakens, either in a slow or fast way depending on the caregiver, the child also takes on more autonomous thinking, doing and planning. Narcissists and narcissists who commit crimes never get to this point. Their minds are still on "how to get from others" and "I'm the most important person in this relationship."
     Entitlement to control or take from others can come from having most every need and want met, especially compared to other children in the family - important distinction. As children, budding narcissists probably receive very little explanation for why they can't have everything and anything they want, (i.e. they are not taught "resource lessons") . Many of them are not taught basic lessons like: "Do not take from others," or "Those aren't your toys," or "You aren't entitled to receive more than your sibling."
     This is especially true if they are taught by example that they are "special" and deserve more rewards than others (arrogance).
     Thus when they believe that they deserve more than others, and also deserve to be "treated special" in terms of "getting", it is this entitlement, often mixed with envy, that drives them to exploit situations and others to "get more". If others show weakness in terms of the exploiter (malignant narcissist) gaining easy access, a trusting person can become a victim.  
     Children who grow up in narcissistic families are often taught that boundaries are not acceptable when it comes to family members, and this is what can cause them to be victims with people outside of the family too. Boundaries are one of the first steps to becoming safe and autonomous if you are in a narcissistic family. Criminals especially love people who have poor boundaries, poor self defense, poor self esteem, poor knee jerk reactions to being exploited and taken from, and high empathy and trust. 
     Criminality doesn't preclude doing damage to you in terms of taking your finances, your assets, your mental health, your trust in others, your peace of mind, and your very life. If they've gotten away with a lot of crimes, they can feel especially emboldened to hurt you and take from you again by other means. In other words they like scheming against you because of your vulnerability. 
* Can a criminal mindset contribute to domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Domestic Violence and Deviant Behavior - by William D. Norwood, Ernest N. Jouriles, Renee McDonald, and Paul R. Swank. This research was supported by grant number 98–WT–VX–0005 from the National Institute of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice. (professional paper)
* Men are more likely to commit violent crimes. Why is this so and how do we change it? - by Rick Sarre, Andrew Day, Ben Livings, Catia Malvaso for The Conversation, re-published at The University of Melbourne, Australia
* Is domestic violence a violent crime? (Google Search and Google AI) - the answer? - yes, it is. 
* Narcissism and criminal behavior (Google Search and Google AI)
* An exploration of the link between narcissism, masochism, and crime in a post-incarcerated sample - by Hannah I. Piros , Amy Bauman  and Brendan Clark for Journal of the National Medical Association, Volume 115, Issue 5, October 2023, Pages 488-495, and Science Direct (professional paper)

* Physical abuse? - even more dangerous still.
* Rates of homicide in physical abuse (Google Search and Google AI)
* Danger Assessment - Women'sLaw.org
* Is pushing and shoving assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is shoving someone physical abuse? (Department of Justice USA)
* Is pushing and shoving abuse? (Government of Canada)
* Is throwing objects at you considered an assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is grabbing a hold of you considered assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is spitting on you considered assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* What to do if a child is punched in the stomach (Google Search and Google AI)
* Child Abuse - Mayo Clinic
* Definition of Domestic Violence (Government of Delaware, USA)
* Abuse Almost Always Escalates

Bad news: If you’re trapped in a cycle of abuse, it’s most likely going to only get worse - by Amanda Kippert for Domestic Shelters
excerts:
     ... While an abuser may say they “lost control” or “didn’t mean it” when their abuse escalates, that’s not true. Escalation is a choice abusers make when they feel like they’re losing control of the survivor or when they want to send a very clear message—they hold the power in the relationship. ... 
* Why would my boyfriend say he loves me but when he gets mad, he says mean things? - Quora question
* RECOMMENDED: How To Know If My Abusive Husband Is Changing – Claire’s Story

Learn how to safely observe if he's truly changing or if it's just more grooming and gaslighting. - Betrayal Trauma Recovery (a podcast, but by scrolling down, you can read the transcript)

* Any assaults to the face, head and neck - especially dangerous - can put you in imminent danger of losing your life, even. Includes slapping your face, digging fingernails, pushing your face, clawing your face or neck, touching your neck in an aggressive way, choking, punching, karate chopping at your head or neck, slamming your face or head into an object, pulling your head, kicking your head, face or neck, jerking your head to one side. 
* Assaults to the face head and neck in domestic violence (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is a slap across the face assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* How dangerous is strangulation? Domestic Violence and Strangulation…4 Facts and 4 Myths - by Sarah Swiston for Wings, Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence
excerpt: 
The odds of homicide increase 750% for victims that have been previously strangled by their partner. If an abuser has access to firearms, the odds of female homicide increase by 1,100%.
* Domestic Violence and Traumatic Brain Injury: The Chilling Truth of This Hits Home - American Brain Foundation, American Academy of Neurology 
* What are the most common injuries from domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI) - answer: head, neck and face
* Domestic violence, assaults to the head (Google Search and Google AI)
* Understanding Domestic Violence as a Cause of TBI - Brain Injury Association of America
* What to do after getting hit in the head? (Google Search and Google AI)

When you are in danger, often a number of these things are at play. Whether it's two of them or ten of them, it's still dangerous. Yes, some of them are more dangerous than others. But when I visit forums for battered women, most of them are surprised that their so-called lover was that violent, was that calloused about how the violence was effecting his victim(s), was that blind as to how "at fault" he was. 
     Most of these women are surprised that they ended up in the hospital with severe injuries that needed in-patient care. In other words, they didn't see it coming. And for a lot of them, only verbal abuse, or emotional abuse precluded this kind of violence.

Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are not to be taken for granted. 

FURTHER READING

The Psychology of Revenge (and Vengeful People)

When it comes to watching your back, hone in on narcissism and anger. - by Peg Streep, and reviewed by Matt Huston  for Psychology Today
excerpt:

     ... Not everyone is inclined to vengeance and some are much more inclined than others; additionally, certain emotions, such as anger, are much likely to up the possibility of revenge as well. People who set great store by their reputations, for example, are more likely to seek revenge if they feel they and their honor have been unfairly impugned. But the clear top-scorer on the vengefulness scale is the person high in narcissistic traits. Up next? The one high in neuroticism.

     The narcissist and revenge

     One study by Ryan P. Brown explored the link between lack of forgiveness and vengefulness; was being unforgiving a guarantee of revenge? It was true enough that people high in forgiveness were low in vengefulness, but being unforgiving per se didn’t predict vengefulness. The deciding factor? Narcissism. The people most hell-bent on revenge were both low in forgiveness and high in narcissistic traits.  ...

Narcissists = REVENGE-Seekers - Dr. Rhoberta Shaler for Help for Toxic Relationships (You Tube)

NOTE

I hope this post wasn't too link-heavy for you, but I thought the links were important to understand so that it wouldn't look like an opinion piece. 

FOUND ON FACEBOOK

Is Racism Linked to Narcissism?

Yes. Racism is linked to narcissism. See the research done on this below. 

According to a Very Well Mind article, The Link Between Psychopathy, Narcissism, and Racism by Nadra Little and fact-checked by Rich Scherr:
     * A recent study has drawn a link between racism and certain personality disorders, such as psychopathy and narcissism.
     * In many cases, a lack of empathy can lead to harmful beliefs about others.
     ... Psychopathic traits such as a lack of empathy and callousness are predictive of prejudicial tendencies. ...

Should anyone be surprised? The lack of empathy, the propensity to be highly negative and judgmental about other people and even to dismiss their concerns and voices, the need to control other people and put them into submissive positions, nitpicking people apart endlessly because they don't seem "perfect enough" for the narcissist, the need for narcissists to destroy the self esteem of others who do not reach their impossible and often unwarranted "perfection standards", and the grandiose views that narcissists have of themselves, we shouldn't be surprised at all. 

I have written about prejudice in Narcissistic Personality Disorder myself in this post and also made mention of it in the post, Warning: The "You're Useless" Phrase, the "You're Nobody" Phrase and "You're Worthless" Phrase in Narcissistic Abuse and Domestic Violence.

One other take-away from the article I found interesting:

The Role of Machiavellianism and Narcissism
     Roy said that his research stands out because, while numerous studies have investigated the toll of racism on minority groups, few have examined the personality traits that make individuals more inclined to hold racist views.
     A 2017 Austrian study however, found that those with the four dark tetrad personality traits—psychopathy, narcissism, sadism, and Machiavellianism—were more likely to vote for a xenophobic presidential candidate with right-wing views.
     The researchers studied 675 Austrian citizens (264 females, 411 males) with a mean age of 35.9. The study found a positive association between the dark tetrad and a political right-wing attitude, with Machiavellianism emerging as the most important predictor that one would have such views.

The narcissists I have known in my own life were heavily sexist, more than racist, and included women being sexist - hard to believe, except that narcissistic women typically compare themselves to other women and find other women to be lacking in personality, grace, talent, success, and beauty compared to themselves. But, to be fair, I also never saw that people of different races, or people of color, were part of their inner, or even their outer, friendship circles.   

At any rate, noticeable prejudice is always going to be part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It will just manifest in different ways depending on their social circle and their family's attitudes, whether that be sexism, racism, cultural, religious, sexual orientation, weight, education, or some other human issue they like to laugh about, and talk derisively about (perhaps the health practices of others, the jobs of others, the mental health of others, refugees, the disabilities of others, the style of clothes other people wear, the type of groups people associate with, people in certain professions, people who believe in God or aliens ... it can be anything). What kind of people they talk about derisively will clue you in to where their prejudices lie.

Most of the rest of us have open minds enough not to shut down the possibilities that people who look and think differently than us may have "more brilliant realizations" than we do, especially if we are not in a hierarchical frame of mind or a comparative frame of mind to begin with, where we see others as equals to ourselves, no more or less powerful, no more or less deserving, no more or less submissive, in other words. We realize that perspectives come from our experiences, how we filter those experiences, and how we react to those experiences, and how our personality developed, and whether we have "openness to new experiences and styles of thinking." 

I have an article I'm working on that talks about narcissism and racism, so I thought I'd publish this preliminary post first. The links to the research into this phenomenon are below:  

Racism: A Symptom of the Narcissistic Personality - by Carl C. Bell for Journal of National Medical Association and the National Library of Medicine - professional paper

Racism, Narcissism, and Integrity - by Carl C. Bell for Journal of National Medical Association and the National Library of Medicine - professional paper

Racism: A Mental Illness? - by Carl C. Bell Community Mental Health Council, Chicago, and the University of Illinois at Chicago and Psychiatry Online - professional paper

The roles of gaslighting and narcissism in racism - by Dr. Ramani Durvasula (You Tube video)

Intolerance and Psychopathology: Toward a General Diagnosis for Racism, Sexism, and Homophobia - by Mary H. Guindon, Ph.D., Alan G. Green, Ph.D., and Fred J. Hanna, Ph.D. for Wiley Online Library - professional paper

THE “SICK” RACIST (Racism and Psychopathology in the Colorblind Era) - by James M. Thomas and W. Carson Byrd for the Cambridge University Press (book)

Beyond Empathic Failures: Cultural Racism as Narcissistic Trauma and Disenfranchisement of Grandiosity - by Maria T. Miliora for Clinical Social Work Journal

Racism: Revisiting Carl Bell (When racism and narcissism collide.) - by J. Luke Wood, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

The Narcissism of Whiteness - by Cheryl E. Matias for Brill - professional paper

Racial implications of the narcissistic personality inventory reinterpreting popular depictions of narcissism trends - by Mike A. Males for Oat - professional paper

How Narcissism & Racism Are Connected, According To Research - by Abby Moore for Mind, Body Green

Whiteness as Pathological Narcissism - by Arianne Miller, M.A. and Lawrence Josephs, PhD for Taylor and Francis Online 

Narcissistic Racial differences in narcissistic tendencies - by Virgil Zeigler-Hill and Marion T. Wallace for Science Direct - professional paper

Pale Narcissus: The Role of Primitive Narcissism in the Relationship between White Privilege Attitudes and Modern Racism - by Adam Breakey Hinshaw for Mo Space - professional paper

Alt-Right: Are Racists Mentally Ill? Some Psychiatrists Say Yes - by by Jessica Firger for Newsweek

Personality Traits Could Predict Those Prone to Prejudice - administrators of Neuroscience News (original source: The University of Oregon)

A Psychiatrist’s Perspective on Racism: 2020 - by Rahn K. Bailey, MD for Psychiatric Times

If Racism Is Broadway, Narcissism Is Grand Central - by Donald E. Collins, Ph.D.

Piper Devi: The link between malignant narcissism, racism and fascism - by Piper Devi, holistic counselor for TheUnion.com

Racism and narcissism: America’s original sin (The racist, narcissistic behaviour that characterises the Trump administration has its roots in US colonial history.) - by Donald Earl Collins, Visiting Professor of African American History with Loyola University Maryland for Aljazeera

Types and Traits of White Narcissists (A guide on how to spot the worst of the worst of white supremacists) - by Savannah Worley for Medium.com

Black American Refugee: Escaping the Narcissism of the American Dream - by Tiffanie Drayton

The Deadly Collision of Racism and Mental Illness - by Eyal Press for The New York Times

It's Totally OK To Unfriend Your Racist Friends — In Fact, You Should - by Laura Mae Lindo for Your Tango

Narcissism topics - Science.gov (government website with a list of topics on narcissism, including narcissism with racism)

Diagnosing Racism - by James M. Thomas, PhD for his own website

Are narcissism and racism linked? They may be, in Donald Trump. - by Jerry Adler, senior editor for Yahoo News

White Narcissism - by Ron McDonald for Friends Journal

Is Racism a Disease? (Since the 1940s, mental health professionals have repeatedly debated the question of whether (some forms of) racism can be classified as a disease.) - by Livia Gershon for JSTR

Racists are essentially Narcs - Lipstick Alley (forum)

MORE ARTICLES SINCE PUBLISHING

The Young Conservatives Trying to Make Eugenics Respectable Again (The pseudoscience of race provides both a justification of hierarchies and an enemy to rail against.) - by Adam Serwer for The Atlantic (2023)
excerpt:
     ... One explanation for the resurgence of scientific racism—what the psychologist Andrew S. Winston defines as the use of data to promote the idea of an “enduring racial hierarchy”—is that some very rich people are underwriting it. Mathias notes that “rich benefactors, some of whose identities are unknown, have funneled hundreds of thousands of dollars into a think tank run by Hanania.” As the biological anthropologist Jonathan Marks tells the science reporter Angela Saini in her book Superior, “There are powerful forces on the right that fund research into studying human differences with the goal of establishing those differences as a basis of inequalities.” 

     There is no great mystery as to why eugenics has exerted such a magnetic attraction on the wealthy. From god emperors, through the divine right of kings, to social Darwinism, the rich have always sought an uncontestable explanation for why they have so much more money and power than everyone else. In a modern, relatively secular nation whose inequalities of race and class have been shaped by slavery and its legacies, the justifications tend toward the pseudoscience of an unalterable genetic aristocracy with white people at the top and Black people at the bottom. ...

     ... “The lay concept of race does not correspond to the variation that exists in nature,” the geneticist Joseph L. Graves wrote in The Emperor’s New Clothes: Biological Theories of Race at the Millennium. “Instead, the American concept of race is a social construction, resulting from the unique political and cultural history of the United States.” ...

     ... Scientific racism is little more than a resurrection of slaveholder ideology given an empirical sheen. As the proslavery congressman James Henry Hammond declared in his 1850s “Cotton Is King” speech, “In all social systems there must be a class to do the menial duties, to perform the drudgery of life. That is, a class requiring but a low order of intellect and but little skill. Its requisites are vigor, docility, fidelity. Such a class you must have, or you would not have that other class which leads progress, civilization, and refinement.” When Hanania wrote that “even if groups differ in skills or cognitive abilities, we can all still benefit from the division of labor,” he offered a not-so-subtle restatement of this idea. Note that he refers not to “people” or “individuals” but “groups.” Woe to those born into the wrong caste! ...
     My note: In this we see narcissistic hierarchical thinking: they believe they are always better, smarter, and if they can "under-class" one group of people, they will keep trying to "underclass" other groups so that they will have no competition for resources, or "entitled wealth". 
     What is next? More past prejudices emerging like disenfranchising the Irish, Catholics, Jews and every other manner of immigrants? 
     James Henry Hammond's declaration that we must have a "drudgery class" of people so that intellectualism and progress can thrive is obviously false in light of the fact that American progress has meant "machines can do the drudgery" to free most minds to pursue some goals other than hard or dangerous labor in their lives and thinking. Now we have AI and robots. Not that this isn't taking jobs away, but it is enabling most of us to stop being "docile" to quote James Henry Hammond.
     Part of being smarter is being more empathetic, and looking at the reasons people who think they are "greater than you" are treating you so badly. Treating people dismissively, badly, and hierarchically is not smarter; it is just denying to them that they have intelligence and must work as either an indentured servant to a "class of narcissists". No thanks!

A Discussion on Cognitive Empathy in Abusive Relationships: How to Tell if the Person You Are Dealing With in a Close Personal Relationship Has Empathy

This is an addendum to my post on Lack of Empathy and the Cluster B personality disorders. It is also an addendum to my post on why narcissists Pick the Worst Times of Your Life to Do Damage.

As usual I have articles at the end of the post written by other authors for your further reading enjoyment.  

To some of my steady readers, the following 2 paragraphs will be redundant, so you can skip over them if you want. For those who have landed on my blog for the first time, you will probably want to read the first two paragraphs to get a better understanding of what is at play.  

To get some perspective on who abuses, and who tends to have a lack of empathy, go to this post first. Or to get a synopsis, it tends to be people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder, all of which tend to be in the Cluster B range of personality disorders. Borderline Personality Disorder is part of the Cluster B personality disorders too, and whether they have enough empathy when tragic situations arrive in their closest people's lives, has to do with whether they also have some narcissistic traits (they will not have all of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder however). All of these disorders are on a spectrum - Borderline Personality Disorder is on the lighter end of the spectrum and Antisocial Personality Disorder is on the darker end of the spectrum. 

In a generalized sense of the word, in Borderline Personality Disorder the main characteristics are: terrified of abandonment, they don't have a good sense of who they are and tend to change their personalities and style of dress often to reflect a new persona, they are changeable emotionally and tend to have strong, and even overwhelming emotional responses, and they are quite prone to black and white thinking. They can show bullying tendencies, and even some lack of empathy at times, but they are very impulsive about it (quite a bit more impulsive than the other Cluster Bs) and they tend to feel pretty guilty afterwards. There a number of "types" of Borderlines however, so again, this is very generalized and is mitigated by the type of Borderline they are. Borderlines can grow out of their "disorder" or change out of it through therapy. Narcissists, Histrionics and the Antisocial Personality Disordered overwhelmingly will not grow out of their disorders, and overwhelmingly will not want to change when given the chance. They tend to want to move on to other victims instead, or other people who cannot detect their personality disorder very easily.

If they do go to therapy, they tend to want to trick therapists into their way of thinking about issues. In other words, the focus will not be on healing their relationships, but on getting the therapist to side with them and their perspectives. It will be clear that is what they want and for their victims to do all of the work in the relationship (meaning giving in to the narcissist). They will also want their victim to take full responsibility for what happened between the two of them. 

"Heal your relationship" types of therapists often fall for this trick/manipulation by the narcissist; domestic violence therapists overwhelmingly tend not to. If you really want help, think about the kind of therapist you see. Note: relationship therapists and mediator-type therapists are not trained in domestic violence and the signs, and they are also not trained in trauma responses. You can end up more traumatized than when you went in if you pick this kind of counselor. For more information about therapy with abusers, GO HERE. 

Also consider that abusive relationships aren't really relationships; they are one person trying to terrorize and traumatize another person into submission. And also consider that the relationship problems aren't real relationship problems; the real problem between you is abuse (note: even verbal abuse counts). 

For the purpose of this post I will be talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder the most. 

Some psychologists say that the first tell-tale signs that you are dealing with a narcissist is 1. that they rage when criticized, and 2. they push you to believe that they are faultless, that only the other person is at fault when there are conflicts in their relationships. and 3. that the other person is crazy and therefor the relationship is not conducive to working out relationship issues (gaslighting).  

However, the other sign is that they tend not to show you empathy when you are going through a really tragic period of your life (especially if they have the other traits of narcissism shown in the right column) - unless they are trying to win you over during that time. Their agenda, once you are feeling "secure in your relationship with them" will be to get more power, control and domination for themselves. In other words, they try to create more trauma and drama at the time you are on your knees with tragedies so that you are putting your thought towards them instead of dealing with your tragedy. The reason they do this is because they look at it as a prime time to get more submission out of you in regards to fulfilling their desires for more power, control and domination. Quite heartless. 

They are always working on making you submissive anyway through gaslighting, lots of lectures about what you should do and how you should behave. If they feel secure in their bet for getting more domination and control out of you, and they are not getting it by your attempts to put up a resistance, it will be obvious they want to abandon you or hurt you if you do not give into them. It will be clear that they have put "be submissive to me" above healing for you. 

People in the normal range of human behaviors will always put your healing above their own agendas. 

Narcissists are always going for trauma-bonded relationships. That's the reason they go from lecturing you ----> to lecturing with trying to control your decisions in your own life ---> to lecturing & trying to control your decisions about your own life with gaslighting (trying to make you feel that your perceptions are so skewed and wrong that you are incapable and inept at making good decisions, or your own decisions, and that they have to make your decisions for you - where their domination and control starts to show up) ---> to coercive control, domination, the beginnings of abuse (usually devaluations of your character, lots of criticizing, and sometimes insults), with either threats of abandonment beginning with some mild forms of abandonment. 

All of that will still be obvious if that is all that they do. 

Where it can get tricky is that while they are gaslighting, and being abusive, they will most likely do several things. Try to convince you that you are the unempathetic one. For instance say things like:

1. they did so much for you in the past that showed they were empathetic.
2. that you are withdrawing from them (which is the normal response from you) to being abused, gaslighted, being threatened and going for their own power, control and domination fantasies over your healing from trauma.  
3. Tell you that they have done much more for you than you did for them (try to make a competition out of who is more empathetic).
4. You are not living up to their perfection standards and being in a relationship with you is exhausting, and they are really empathetic, but because you aren't doing x, y, and z for them, they don't want to show you any empathy. 
etc ...

However, that usually won't be the end of it. They will argue their points until the other person gets warn down and exhausted  ... and they even resort to word salad arguments, gaslighting, using perspecticide, all leading up to a blame-shift, so that they are assured that you are saddled with all of the blame, or as much blame as they think they can reasonably get away with, taking your co-dependency with them into account, your vulnerability to power, control and domination into account, and your propensity for empathy into account. Narcissists make an art out of this, and on gauging your responses ahead of time (yes, they plan how to do this successfully, in their favor), and if you give in to all of this, you can fall into a state of cognitive dissonance and get abused again, and again, and fall into a pattern where you keep going back to your abuser again and again too. 

You always have to be cognizant of their propensity to blame, shame and blame-shift all culpability on to you, otherwise you will be in trouble. For this reason, most domestic violence counselors would prefer their clients not argue with narcissists, or have much contact with them. 

Also, their blame-shifting tactics are a huge red flag that they are not the empaths they are pretending to be.  

These are all tactics and distractions that the narcissist uses to get you into a compromised situation, using your empathy against you, using your vulnerability against you, using your trauma against you, using your trusting nature against you in order to get you into a submissive state. It is highly unethical. No matter what they have done in the past, in the present day they are showing you that this is who they are. 

The past is not who they are. They may have been more careful in the past (maybe they sensed you were endowed with too much power to be too cruel to). They might have sensed that you had a lot of support. They might have sensed you were not vulnerable enough for their manipulations. Many of them wait for the coast to be clear in terms of their agendas, and that is especially true of covert narcissists. Hopefully that will become obvious further into the post.

At any rate, narcissists are sometimes capable of something called "cognitive empathy", whereby they say things like:
"Oh, I'm so sorry you are going through this."
"What a tragedy! I'm sending you much love, healing vibes and all of my sympathy!" 
"How awful! I wish you and your loved ones the best!"
"Life can dish up so much tragedy! It's too bad so many people are cruel these days! I love you so much!" 

However, they usually don't experience empathy on the "feeling level". The feeling level is exactly what it sounds like: they don't feel what you feel. Signs that they feel empathy include:
- looking directly into your eyes and crying when you cry.
- your tragedies tend to come first in their agendas 
- understanding on a deep level what you are going through emotionally, such that they feel what you feel even when it is not their direct experience 
- empathy turning into compassion
- "We're in this together" types of outpourings. 

But most of all, there is constant eye-contact. Often real empathy is expressed by sitting near you, comforting you with hugs and other physical gestures, crying with you, making compassionate statements (i.e. what they can do to help you heal). Again, the constant eye contact is key.  

If you know narcissists, they don't do this. However, WARNING: there is a dark traumatizing breed of narcissist, one who has studied how to make empathetic gestures to the point of a significant acting ability. I talk about that later in the post. So it is not always the case that narcissists avoid eye contact, but mostly they do. They may give you fleeting looks, but they tend to look elsewhere when you are expressing emotions and telling your story. And some of their comments will probably seem odd, off-hand, or cold. Also their brand of empathy can turn off like a light switch - and most of us know that real empathy in close personal relationships can't do that. So we consider that when their empathy dies for us suddenly, it is fake. Fake empathy might be at play, certainly, but the right word is really cognitive empathy. 

Can they help it?

A lack of empathy is probably the one thing they probably can't help. Some psychologists (who I feature below) say narcissists can be helped to feel more empathy, but I have never seen it myself, and if anything, I saw it get much, much worse. Most of the survivors I have talked to numbering in the thousands never saw it once either.

More likely, the ability to feel empathy probably died in them in early childhood. It can be from being a golden child of a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, where the child is never called upon to be empathetic, accountable, ethical or responsible for hurting others. In many of these cases, bad bullying behavior is even condoned and coddled by a parent. They are only required to be loyal to a parent, who may be highly unethical themselves. I discuss this phenomenon in my post on the bully golden child where I make it clear how this can happen.  

Some psychologists say it might also be a "brain issue", and can be to some extent even when a child is put into a golden child role (that is also discussed in the bully golden child post). But some psychologists are convinced that it has to do with a brain issue that starts in the womb, but those psychologists tend to be in the minority. However, most psychologists and psychiatrists believe that whether it is organic or learned, the lack of empathy starts in early childhood and becomes part of the development and fixed elements of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Even without all of the other symptoms and tactics narcissists use, a lack of empathy is still extremely challenging, especially for children. Some of the complaints I have seen personally run the gamut: being stuck in infantilized or parentified roles forever, not getting enough nutrition as a child and relying on people outside the family for an adequate amount of food, being carted around to lovers' living spaces and having to find ways of being occupied while their parent had sex, suffering through life threatening illnesses without medical care because the parent thought they, the child, was faking it ... In other words most children of narcissists suffer long periods of neglect. Being concerned about what their child is experiencing is just not on the radar of things to be concerned about when it comes to narcissistic parents and their needs for narcissistic supply, and that definitely includes children's feelings. If anything, the parent tries to either provoke children, or they try to squash the feelings of children. They tend to be enormously out of touch with what their children are experiencing, and even who they are, especially those children who are emotionally abandoned (very common), making children of narcissists vulnerable not only to bullying and predatory adults, but to health and medical issues, nutritional issues, safety issues, and general issues that arise where they are being called upon to be much more autonomous for their own care than their age can handle.  

Since narcissists are only capable of cognitive empathy, with a profound level of misunderstanding others, they tend to do the following (this is their best behavior, by the way, not their worst - at the worst they won't care at all what you are experiencing, and sometimes even abandon when tragedies enact feelings):
- they tend to lecture you about how you should solve the problems in your life that will make the tragedy less tragic 
- they will diminish the tragedy and the people who are effected by it and tell you not to focus or dwell on it (to make the best of it) - that is because that is what they do when they have tragedies. 
- they will do research for you so that you know what kind of tragedy you are dealing with and how to respond to it
- they will tell you that your tragedy is ruining your life, or more importantly, their life. They put demands on your attention, and can even try to make you feel guilty for having feelings and thoughts about it. They might say they are being extremely patient until you can work through it, but again, it is all about them. 
- they talk about how their tragedies are worse than yours (compete with you about whose tragedy was worse).
- they talk about how they got over a tragedy like yours, or similar to yours. Why can't you get over yours? - note: getting over tragedies fast is actually not normal, and is not the way you heal, so that should send up red flags. 
- if someone else caused the tragedy, they disparage you for not forgiving and forgetting, or they ask you why you can't just forgive and forget, like something is wrong with you. "Forgiveness shaming" is quite common, and actually makes the trauma worse and last a lot longer, but because they want to see forgiveness in you so badly and right away for all kinds of reasons, usually for self serving purposes, they will most likely be shaming you for not forgiving or forgetting.   
- that they helped you (in some small way, or in some way that they feel that you need to be grateful for) and "now you need to get over it!" - mostly they want you to get over it fast, not in terms of healing, but to get back to them and what they want from you - they have very little patience for people who are distracted by trauma and trauma symptoms.

Anyway, I hope I have enlightened you as to the differences between cognitive empathy versus the ability to actually feel empathy (to understand your agony on an emotional level, and a much, much deeper level than cognitive empathy).

THE DARK EMPATH AND HOW IT RELATES TO THIS DISCUSSION

Most narcissists don't know that real empathy requires constant eye contact, even when you are crying.

And they don't know that lectures aren't helpful and can traumatize you more when you are going through a tragedy. 

And most narcissists don't know that most people aren't like them. They think everyone projects and fakes the way they do.  

But then there are those narcissists who do understand on a lot of levels that they are different from other human beings, especially when it comes to empathy. And they understand on an intellectual level the difference between cognitive empathy and real empathy. They even understand that in order to portray empathy the right way they have to keep constant with the eye contact, with attentiveness and soothing, and not to say anything too self-serving while this is going on - until they want to, of course, when they realize some ultimate goal in power and it seems ironclad. In other words they wait much later than most narcissists. 

They actually diligently study how people empathize. And they can even fool on empathy tests at times as well.  

These particular narcissists are called "dark empaths". They usually have many Dark Triad markers in their personality (a mixture of narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism) with scheming and planning. Their main mode of operandi is to fool others that they are empaths and then when they get into a position of overwhelming power over others, lower the boom on their victims in terms of taking complete control over them; i.e. trapping them in ways that the victims would find extremely difficult to get out of. 

These people create much more trauma in their victims than your usual run-of-the-mill narcissists because run-of-the-mill narcissists are simply too self involved to study empathy to that degree. They are not really interested in empaths beyond what an empath can do for them. They know what empaths say, and they think that is all there is to it. And they aren't entirely convincing to most of us when they say they care (there is just enough looking away or a nose in the air, lecturing, and coldness in their delivery to make most victims suspicious of their real intentions). So they tend to over-play their hand early when an empath can still escape the relationship without as much trauma as victims of dark empaths.

A few cult leaders are dark empaths, especially the ones who want to kill all of their followers. They find ways to manufacture the idea that the whole cult is in danger from outside because of their beliefs or religion, when the real truth is that they are in danger from dying from inside the cult (dark triad cult leaders can and do insist that their followers willingly commit suicide as a sign of loyalty). 

Dark empaths can create the kind of trauma where victims want to jump from a high building, who tell others they no longer want to live, who feel inexorably trapped (the ultimate in trauma bonding in other words). In fact, the trauma they feel is often so bad precisely because they could not detect that the person was not an empath at all (so convincing): the leader turned into this horrific, abusive, threatening, paranoid, murderous authoritarian monster practically overnight. And many kinds of narcissists do tend to switch from nice to horrifically abusive overnight, so that is where dark triads who show empathy have something in common with run-of-the-mill narcissists.

Beware of these dark narcissists. Resist the thinking that you will find an idealized significant emotional and spiritual connection and community (especially in cults). This is especially a warning to scapegoats and lost children who generally are the ones to be discarded by narcissistic parents, and are on a journey to find more genuine connection and empathy than the cold cognitive empathy they got from a parent or parents. 

If you are supposed to give up your past, all of your past relationships, and be isolated within the cult, or in the personal relationship, that is a sign of narcissism at work. Some cult leaders live "high off the hog" with lots of money and cars while their followers live barely scraping by (which is the usual sign of narcissism too), but dark empath narcissists can live like their followers, in poverty, giving and giving, and sacrificing, just to get followers' undying devotion. 

Trust should only be metered out a little at a time, and depending on how a person is behaving. Being aware that real empathy is expressed mostly with continued eye contact, with feeling your feelings, and soothing is definitely useful to know, but like anything, only up to a point. While dark empaths aren't very common, also remember that narcissism is on the rise in the Western world, which means more dark empaths, even if the percentage of them isn't higher. 

Most of all, any relationship (aside from a boss at work) that requires lots of submission is not healthy and probably will hurt you greatly in the end. Which, of course, means resisting forgiving and forgetting to the extent where you are back in a relationship with them, resisting fawning and submitting when people are raging, demanding, abandoning, cruel, and commanding, and where it is obvious that they only want power, control and domination over you. The relationship is just a "throw-away" in those cases, for them.

All of this, of course, means resisting being a fawning submissive follower of their dubious and diabolical authority.    

REAL EMPATHY CREATES LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIPS
HEALTHY RESPONSES, AND CONTENTMENT

Narcissists tend to discard empaths and prefer other narcissists be their main personal relationships (they love mirrors), and now there is research to back it up (and another link). 

I'm not sure how that works long term, but perhaps with no one bothering them about ethics, which empaths would speak to them about, and hold them accountable for, perhaps on their own they lie to each other, stab each other in the back, and somehow tolerate it all as long as they are loyal to one another and there is a prize? It's something I do not care to study, frankly. In survivor forums I hear the worst stories, primarily of elder care, but maybe the rest of the time they are having a ball, living it up, idealizing each other in the most syrupy ways imaginable? 

So where do the narcissists discarded empaths go? 

My feeling is that they end up with other empaths. This is what happened in my own life. I became educated in the Cluster B Personality disorders (at the suggestion of a domestic violence therapist), and to some degree I can see them a mile away and avoid them.

However, I was almost fooled by a construction worker (who was working for a friend at the time). I wanted to hire him. But something did not seem right about him, or his proposals, and he was shutting down my voice and insisting that I needed to trust in him. Most of my experiences with construction workers is that I ask questions, and they answer. If I had concerns, they'd explain in detail how they tackled the project. This guy was, in his own polite way, telling me constantly to shut up, to just put my faith in him and to stop questioning him. One evening I just wasn't feeling right about how I was being treated and I looked him up on the internet and found that he had an arrest and prison record a mile long. Good thing he didn't have an alias too. And my friend fired him once he found out what I found out. 

So, my ability to sense narcissism or psychopathy is not full proof. But apparently it is enough in terms of my close personal relationships. My relationships now are with the kinds of people I always wanted to be around and with. I always had really close girlfriends growing up, and that is what I modeled in seeking other relationships. I was fooled a bunch of times (especially the love bombing stage), because I was not studying narcissism enough. I only knew the basics - narcissists get enraged when criticized; they are preoccupied with fantasies of power, success and money to the exclusion of other things; they believe they are granted special entitlement (while other people have to follow rules and laws); and they act grandiose. However I didn't know about covert narcissism, the very common brand of narcissist who isn't particularly grandiose outwardly, and that's where I messed up in my life. I also didn't know about gaslighting (even when I was experiencing it constantly), and I didn't know that the silent treatment was pretty exclusive to them if it lasted longer than 24 hours. In fact, I didn't know much about any of it, certainly not enough to make a difference in my life. And so narcissists slipped under my radar quite a lot, and created a great deal of havoc, messed with my head, messed with my career and my life, and even stole from me.

Had I studied it as diligently as I do now, my whole adult life would have probably been like it is now. I regret that I didn't study it much earlier.

I knew my closest girlfriends and my father were very different people from the kinds of aggressive personalities I was dealing with, but I didn't understand what made them different, and I was under the wrong impression that narcissistic personalities were actually more in the majority instead of in the minority. In other words, I thought that empathetic people were in a crushing minority, barely hanging on, barely heard, barely considered, being replaced with people with much darker traits. 

So the fact that I was able to get out of the company of narcissists and their power trips entirely could be luck, or it could be that their personality types are in a significant minority, and maybe it is just the same "birds of a feather flock together" phenomenon that happens when "like" people come together. 

One thing about empathy is that you are understood on a deep level. I do think and feel that it can create intuitive or perhaps even a psychic connection with others. A deep understanding of how others feel, respond and what they are going through in their lives means that you won't hurt each other. What hurts them hurts you too, and not just on some sort of psychic feeling level. 

One of the big ways you can destroy relationships is by breaking the trust between you. Undermining someone's trust who you deeply care about is a nightmare for you. I'm of the opinion that trust can never be repaired once it is broken. No person can change enough of who they are to ever be a reliable "person of trust" again.

So when you are in a mutually trusting relationship, you understand that. You do everything you can to keep the trust alive so that it can continue to be a deep relationship that you both can rely on. It is probably built in to our DNA to some degree so that we can survive as a tribe, or raise crops together, or hunt together.  

Narcissists don't do that. When narcissists break the trust and hurt you a great deal, as much as they possibly can hurt you, with knowledge they have gleaned about you and your vulnerabilities, and in ways they know will garner the most pain for you, they are also hell-bent on destroying the trust between you. They make it very, very plain that they don't care about you a bit. And, of course, they destroy the trust over the most inconsequential things usually - however it's usually not about the thing they are raging about; it is really their insecurity that you are not being submissive enough to them, doing what they tell you to do, that you are not seeing them as "the boss" or in an elevated way, and saying what they tell you to say (another thing you learn when you study narcissism).

It's easy to get in a retaliatory mindset when they attack you so many times in an egregious unprovoked way and are willing to lose the trust entirely that you used to have in them. They care a great deal of keeping up a public image that is not even true to who they are in private (common), but have no trouble smashing up your image even if they are using lots of lies to do it. It's disgusting. Unprovoked attacks do the opposite of what they want: it shows very little integrity such that you don't respect them and definitely do not want any part in idealizing them or "following them" again.

They throw a lot of rage-bombs at you that you don't deserve just because they are having a crisis about their image. They devalue you, insult you, destroy the bond between you, destroy the trust that you used to have in them, for no apparent reason you can understand (unless you study narcissism). And in an impulsive retaliatory mindset you might throw some bombs, or counter manipulations, back at them to get them to stop, that break their trust in you too. It's called the war at home for a reason. What it accomplishes in the end is that you don't trust them and they don't trust you. You could have just as easily have achieved the same end by walking away from each other and agreeing never to bother each other again. 

In truly empathetic relationships the war at home simply doesn't happen. That means relationships can go deep. It is because you aren't trying to protect yourself from narcissistic attacks, which, as I said can be so small and ungrounded that it is impossible to tell what narcissists will do next. That means with true empaths you can be your authentic self. Self defense isn't necessary. Trying to figure out the next head game or blame game isn't necessary either. Roles aren't required which is very freeing and feels boundlessly loving, peaceful and appreciative. Gaslighting doesn't happen because no one is trying to control the other person (what they say, what they do, and how they behave is up to the other person - and empathy always turns them towards intimacy and empathy rather than domination and control).

Boundaries of ethics and morality also keeps you respecting each other, which is something you can never, ever experience with narcissists no matter how hard you try because they are continually sacrificing ethics and morality to get narcissistic supply.

It's really a night-and-day difference. 

What it has created in my own life are meaningful long lasting relationships, some that date back to high school and have evolved over the years, and most of all peace. I feel I can open my heart more too, and be vulnerable because empathy allows it. Being vulnerable used to frighten the hell out of me with the exception of my father and the friendships I made along the way. In the present day, being vulnerable means being able to tell the truth - people who want to live in the truth want you to speak the truth.

Narcissists who want to keep a lie going about themselves or about one of their henchmen or about one of their cherished beliefs, will punish you or rage at you for telling the truth. 

In contrast, perspectives with empaths are often open rather than closed. In other words, it's about exploring each other's perspectives rather than fighting about whose perspectives are right or wrong. Confirmation bias is a lot less of an issue. 

I remember asking my husband what he thought the world would be like if narcissists had no power to invade nations, to do school shootings, to rob other people, to rape land for personal gain, to become the abusive Mr. Hyde with their families while spending most of the day outside the home being nice to strangers, and so on ... 

And he said, "The world would be a paradise." In other words: nothing ugly, nothing sclerotic, no drivers cutting you off, no mates having sex on their spouses behind their back, no more child abuse, no more senseless shootings, no more invasions, probably no need for mind altering drugs because your mind would be content with the paradise you were living in. 

What I'm about to say next may seem a bit "far out" for some people, but many of us in the world who have been beaten down in life still get out of bed with hope, grace, and dreams of a better future. 

Here it goes:

I have been blessed to have gotten so many of my inspirations for art and writing from dreams. In fact, most of my inspirations come from dreams. I wake up in the morning and get to work on what I've seen or heard in these dreams.  

It would seem that J.R.R. Tolkien may have been inspired by dreams too. There is a lot of wisdom in his books, especially from Gandalf, Galadriel and some of the hobbits, and a lot of fantastical happenings and beings as well (which are what dreams are made of: fantasy is inevitable in dreams, and to some extent hope too). And then there is even some seeing into the future which may be the hope part of the subconscious: some warnings about the mechanized world (Mordor) taking over the natural world (Lothlorien, Rohan, Hobbiton, Gondor, and so on). The push into the mechanized world are largely made possible by not-too-intelligent, and largely self serving Orchs. Orchs run machines all day, and are fodder for Sauron's war, and so they don't have good lives and no one is promoting their intelligence to improve their lot. Thus in wars they get killed with more frequency. They don't even have good dental work if we look at how they are portrayed in moving picture series. They are kept stupid for a reason, and they can always be defeated even when their numbers greatly out-number the elves, dwarfs, hobbits, and men. And then of course, there are a lot of references to addictions in Tolkien's work: addictions to powers, to revenge and sadism, to the thought of everlasting life, to substances and even to jewelry (the rings). And of course, submission has a role in the story too, and how submissive should you be to rulers who are focusing on issues that are leading kingdoms astray, and are destructive in all of the ways I mentioned in this paragraph.

I have had dreams about Tolkien's Middle Earth myself, dreams that altered the story slightly, or that continued after Galadriel left with Frodo, or where I am a character in the story. Not of my own choice, mind you. The most lucid dreams have a life of their own. 

But I also have dreams that are entirely my own, or are just ever so slightly influenced by someone else's art or perspectives.

Anyway, one of the dreams I had was during the height of experiencing narcissistic abuse - I was being tortured over not being submissive to a series of lies. This was the dream:

The dream concerned two very tall beings that I met in the forest. One was female and the other a male. They looked sort of human except they were twice as tall as I was, with long white hair cut in a "V" streaming down their back, past their waist. Some other differences: they had very wide flattened foreheads, where their foreheads did not slope back like present day humans. In other words, there was quite a bit more brain-matter than present-day humans as well. Their eyes were also big, and somewhat slanted.

When I looked at them, I could feel more empathy emanating from them than I felt in my entire life. I felt a relief that I had never felt in my life also, and I started to cry, thankful that they were there, and the male said, "You are worth saving. Follow us. We have some medicine that will take care of that." 

So I followed behind them in a wooded forest where the trees were quite substantial, larger than the usual forests I visited during my waking day time hours. As I said, these human-like beings were huge and it was hard for me to look down at the path because I wanted to study them like an artist would, to look thoroughly at their features, and to know who they were as beings. 

They had me sit in an organically styled chair that had a big red cushion for a seat, and they gave me the medicine in my arm - it was a shot. As I was waking up, I could actually still feel the shot on a physical level for quite awhile, a minute even. 

In my grogginess when I first knew I had exited a dream, I thought, "Is that medicine to help me from feeling sad? Is that what humans are evolving to? Can we please just evolve into that sooner rather than later? Are we capable of it?" 

Anyway, I still have a tendency to discount my dreams as "just dreams" even though they have given me so much inspiration. I should always be grateful that I have them, right? Not everyone has them, and certainly not everyone has, or remembers, so many lucid dreams. But then the "lower thoughts" roll in: "Oh, it was just a dream. Now I have to deal with the real circumstances, as awful as they are." But on the other hand, like Tolkien, I had a dream of what humans could be, given enough time, and generations, and wisdom enough to give up on anything that runs contrary to empathy. 

As in Tolkien's Middle Earth, we are at a crossroads. We can keep going in the direction we are going with thick low black clouds rolling in (something I really saw: they were the result of fires burning in the west, and looked other-worldly, not anything I ever saw before, very ominous and acrid, effecting my lungs, something that the fantastical realm of Mordor might produce, but was real instead, something that alarmed me greatly and made me realize that we are on the brink of disaster with climate change and creating an earth that may not be inhabitable to us any more). But we are also at a crossroads with the other things that Tolkien brought up: over-building, over-mechanization, greed, invasions, wars, how we treat each other, narcissistic concerns, addictions to things and people who are unhealthy, etc.

Whether we decide it with a war as all-involving as the Siege of Gondor, or solve it by slow evolution, or just die in what we have created, is the gargantuan issue of our day. 

I also look at Putin's invasion in this light too. It could turn into a world war, and if Belarus and China get involved, it is likely to end up that way. There is not a speck of empathy in invading a country, none, and it is pointless too, because as soon as fossil fuels start to be in short supply, or another type of energy takes over, Russia will lose then, at that later time. The bombing of people's houses and businesses, the raping, the intentional killing of children, the atrocities, the forced evacuation of citizens to Russia, it's all a devolution away from empathy and our higher selves. And even if Russia, China and Belarus manage to overtake Ukraine, the Ukrainians will be trauma bonded to Russians. That's the worst possible outcome for Ukraine, and for the world (the tolerance of slavery will be an issue again), and even, in the long run, for Russia. They will not be able to win the minds of a people who have been terrorized, tortured and robbed to this extent. 

That's pretty much all I have to say today on why I'm convinced that empathy is the only road out of this mess. I got a little off-track with this post with the inspirations of dreams, but I hope I have inspired some people who read what I have to write, that empathy is the main path forward if we are to survive as a species. 

As for how to deal with the parts of the population who have very little empathy or who have none at all, I don't know how to deal with that problem except to avoid them. If we all avoid them and they can't get into positions of power, maybe that helps move our evolution forward? That's where I am in my personal journey with this problem.

But what if they are invading you and bringing a war to your home?

I do have some ideas on how to deal with school shootings and other mass murders, most of which are largely perpetrated by young men with significant narcissistic traits and who are also consumed with paranoia and prejudice (that is an upcoming post).

FURTHER READING

15 Signs You're Dealing With A Narcissist, From A Therapist - by Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT for Mind Body Green (note: this article discusses lack of empathy in Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

How to Spot a Narcissistic Sociopath (Is a Sociopathic Narcissist the Same Thing as a Narcissistic Sociopath?) - by Arlin Cuncic, and medically reviewed by  David Susman, PhD for Very Well Mind (note: this article discusses lack of empathy in Narcissistic Sociopaths)

How to Identify a Malignant Narcissist - by Elizabeth Scott, PhD and medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD for Very Well Mind 

Lack of empathy in patients with narcissistic personality disorder - by Kathrin Ritter, Isabel Dziobek, Sandra Preißler, Anke Rüter, Aline Vater, Thomas Fydrich, Claas-Hinrich Lammers, Hauke R. Heekeren, and Stefan Roepke for Psychiatry Research and Science Direct (professional article)

Do Narcissists Lack Empathy? It Depends - by Greta Urbonaviciute for SpSp

Agenda-Driven Empathy: How Narcissists Fool You Into Thinking They Care - by Angela Atkinson for QueenBeing

Yes, Narcissists Can Cry — Plus 4 Other Myths Debunked - by Alex Klein, PsyD for Healthline

Do Narcissists Actually Lack Empathy? (An unwillingness to empathize is different than being unable to do so.) - by Mary C. Lamia Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Narcissism is essentially a problem of lack of empathy - by Shawna Freshwater, Ph.D. for Spacious Therapy 

How the Narcissist Hurts You Using Cognitive Empathy - by Kim Saeed for Psych Central

Cognitive Empathy vs. Emotional Empathy (Learn the differences between these two types of empathy) - by Jodi Clarke, MA, LPC/MHSP, medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS for Very Well Mind

There Are Actually 3 Types of Empathy. Here's How They Differ--and How You Can Develop Them All (Understanding the three types of empathy can help you build stronger, healthier relationships.) - by Justin Bariso for Inc

Empathy in Narcissistic Personality Disorder: From Clinical and Empirical Perspectives - by Arielle Baskin-Sommers, Elizabeth Krusemark, and Elsa Ronningstam for National Library of Medicine

‘Dark empaths’: how dangerous are psychopaths and narcissists with empathy? - by Nadja Heym and Alexander Sumich for The Conversation

The emotional deficits associated with the Dark Triad traits: Cognitive empathy, affective empathy, and alexithymia - by Peter K. Jonason and Laura Krause for University of Western Australia and Research Gate (professional article)

Am I a Narcissist or an Empath? (Take this quiz to find out!) - Wiki How

Narcissistic Test - Psych Central

This Narcissist Test Will Tell You If Someone Has Narcissistic Tendencies - by Kelly Gonsalves and Kistina Hallett, Ph.D., ABPP for Mind Body Green

Quiz: How narcissistic are you? (quiz) - by Associate Professor Ross King, School of Psychology, Faculty of Health, Deakin University for Deakin University

Psychopath, Narcissist, Sociopath or Empath? test - All the Tests

Are You an Empath or a Narcissist? (Are you an empath or a narcissist? Empaths are genuinely in touch with other people's feelings and quick to offer a listening ear. Narcissists can come off as self-centered but are often unaware of it. Does this sound like you? Take our narcissist or empath test now to find out.) - Quizony

Am I an Empath or a Narcissist Quiz - Marriage.com 

Can a narcissist fake being empathetic? - Quora question (one of the answers is from someone diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

Are there ways to identify a narcissist's empathy as fake? - Quora question

Can someone have narcissistic personality disorder, but be very empathetic too? - Quora question

Note: I would not recommend taking this article seriously. It doesn't cite professional articles or studies, and can confuse readers, but I put it on the reading list anyway to stir conversation: Empathic Narcissist: What It Means, 15 Unique Traits & How to Cope with Them - by Nicky Curtis for Love Panky