PETITION: the first petition I have seen of its kind: Protection for Victims of Narcissistic Sociopath Abuse (such as the laws the UK has, and is being proposed for the USA): story hereandhereorsign the actual petition here
Note:After seeing my images on social media unattributed, I find it necessary to post some rules about sharing my images
So, before you shame the next victim of narcissistic abuse for divorcing their spouse, or for a child who prefers to be estranged from a parent or sibling, or for letting a rift come between two best friends, consider that the reason may be that one of them has many or all of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that this narcissist is actually on a campaign to hurt the person they claim to love.
And if they do have this personality disorder, plus some power over you, and they have hurt you once, and continued to try to hurt you, consider that narcissistic traits in the "hurter" might be the culprit.
Some reasons why narcissists want to hurt other people, and why they go on retaliation and revenge binges:
* when they feel hurt over your complaints or criticisms about them, or in situations they manage They take complaints and criticisms as insults to their ego, an ego they feel must be worshipped, not found to be at fault. When dealing with others' complaints and criticisms, narcissists rage. They feel disappointed in the messenger of those complaints and criticisms. For covert narcissists and malignant narcissists, they most often want to seek revenge. Take note however: most narcissists believe that you have no right to complain about or criticize them because they put themselves in higher status and value than others, whereas they criticize other people in extreme ways: insults, degrading comments, false narratives, smear campaigns with only a little truth, fantasy scenes which make you seem to be the instigator. They call on others to have a bad opinion of you even if they don't know you, calling on others to hurt you. In fact, they try to out-do you in extreme ways with complaints and criticisms, as well as take on aggressive behaviors. This shows a number of things: -first: that they have narcissistic traits, and maybe even the whole personality disorder, and possibly even other personality disorders too, especially if the revenge is so extreme that you wonder when they'll be done, or they use sabotage, crimes, physical abuse, and physical injury or attempted murder to make their point, the sign of either malignant narcissism or psychopathy. -second: entitlement. Narcissists feel entitled to hurt you, but that you aren't entitled to walk away from them because of the hurt they caused. They also believe you are not entitled to defend yourself against their attacks, or to call the police if a crime that they instigate or get someone else to instigate against you seems connected to them, or to live happily ever after without them. They can't stand any of these, so there is a great resentment against others' boundaries. -third: boundaries. They believe they are so special that they have a right to traverse and crash everyone's boundaries. This includes emotional, mental and often physical boundaries. It also includes a right to interrogate you, or demean you. If they are home invading, stealing, stalking, trespassing, and sabotaging, this points more towards Antisocial Personality Disorder or Malignant Narcissism.
* when they feel slighted when you don't invite them to important events in your life, or to a party, and believe it means they have a right to seek revenge over it Narcissists feel too important to be taken for granted, forgotten about, overlooked, or to be unwanted company. They assume they control others more than they actually do (they even think they control others' thoughts and opinions), that they are always the most important person in the room, that people always listen with baited breath to what they have to say while disregarding what others have to say, that others will always be careful not to step on their ego ("walking on eggshells"), that they "own" the event to which they are invited to some degree. They are not at events to get to know others except in gleaning information on how much influence they, the narcissist, can insert into conversations. This is one way they find both new narcissistic supply and new victims. Since "not being invited" is a bruise to their ego, their highly crafted "perfect persona", and sense of importance, entitlement and grandiose visions of themselves, they tend to get hurt and retaliate. They may do a tit-for-tat and stop inviting you to their events too, but more likely they will go way beyond that in revenge-seeking.
* when they feel they are losing control and power over you or over the events in your life that they believe they have a right to control One of the big things narcissists feel they have a right to control are the weddings of their children (and to some extent their grandchildren). This includes the cake, the guest list, the dress or tux, and anything else they can think of. It's the rare narcissist who says, "You can run your wedding any way you want to. If you need my support, I'm here for you." That is so obvious in forums for child abuse survivors. That is the more well known control they exert, but there are also plenty more. If you are in a close personal relationship with them, they also feel entitled to control what you say, how you say it, where you go, what you do, what you tell them, who you have relationships with, what career you choose, how you manage your career, how you dress, what you do with your hair, everything. They are even known to try to micro-manage situations they aren't part of and know nothing about. If you are in a work environment with them, they typically use gossip, tell false narratives to the boss, sabotage your work, take credit for your work and other maneuvers to make sure they are promoted and that you are demoted (or fired). Note: if bosses don't look into situations carefully, they can be taken in by narcissists. If they are adamant that the narcissist is right, then you can't talk them out of it. You can read my post on enablers and flying monkeys in narcissistic abuseto understand the dynamic. The work environment is likely to get more toxic than less toxic if narcissists are promoted. If they've gained that kind of control over you, and feel they are losing it later on, or if you've come upon a false narrative or two that they've told about you, and you are showing distrust of them over these facts, then they are likely to go on a revenge binge. They don't like losing power and position, and have to know they are always going to get more power, not less of it, and while rage is certainly part of losing power for them, it's a rare narcissist who won't retaliate too.
* when you aren't walking on eggshells for them Narcissists feel they are too sensitive, that they need special care and that your duty is to be careful around their super sensitive feelings. Fine, but they aren't sensitive to other people's feelings by a long shot because of their profound lack of empathy. This makes it very difficult to be super sensitive to them when they are hammering away at you with such callousness. When you've had enough, they'll play the victim. The only person they notice who is hurt is them, always and forever, because again, they don't care about your feelings (because of their lack of empathy). If you don't come rushing to their aid immediately, when they want it, they feel you are a calloused brute who can't toughen up when they hurt you. So they want to hurt you more. There is so much hypocrisy in these situations that it is hard to turn yourself inside out to address their feelings when most likely, because of their narcissism, they instigated it, they took hurting you to such extremes, they never offered a realistic resolution, and all you want to do is leave. Their playing the victim in these kinds of situations perhaps nauseates you too. When you aren't taken in by their being the victim instead of acknowledging that they victimized you, then they start playing the victim in front of others, inserting a lot of false narratives about what happened between the two of you, making sure they turn you into the instigator, making sure they make everything that happened totally your fault, etc. Believe it or not, a lot of narcissists still expect you to save their sorry ass. When you don't save their ass, they go on a revenge binge.
So let's say they have decided the best way to react to being hurt is to go on a retaliation spree. Where does it end? How much destruction satisfies them? And do they keep wanting to hurt you once they have started?
Yes to all of it.
For part of this answer, I went to Google AI and Google Search. I give you the Google AI answer below in dark red, and you can search through articles through the same link.
There's a saying, "Hurt people hurt people," and it often applies to individuals with narcissistic tendencies. While it might seem counterintuitive to keep hurting someone they've already harmed, several factors contribute to this behavior:
Lack of Empathy and Self-reflection
* Narcissists struggle with empathy, meaning they have a diminished ability to understand or share the feelings of others.
* They may not fully grasp the depth of pain they inflict because their reality is distorted and focused on their own needs and perspectives.
* This lack of self-awareness makes it difficult for them to recognize the impact of their actions or take responsibility for causing harm.
Underlying Insecurities and Fragile Ego
* Despite appearing confident, narcissists harbor deep insecurities and a fragile sense of self.
* To protect their ego, they may employ defense mechanisms like projecting their flaws onto others and blaming them for their own insecurities or past traumas.
* Hurting others can be a way to regulate their own emotions and boost their self-esteem, even if it's temporary.
The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse
* Narcissists may engage in a cycle of abuse that includes love bombing, devaluation, and discard stages, where the victim is idealized, then criticized and put down, and finally cast aside.
* When a narcissist feels challenged or threatened, they may lash out in narcissistic rage, which is characterized by intense anger and a need to regain control.
* This cycle perpetuates as the narcissist struggles to maintain a sense of superiority and control, and may repeat hurtful behaviors to ensure the victim remains under their influence or subservient to them.
Pleasure from seeing others suffer
* Some narcissists, especially those with sadistic or malignant traits, may derive pleasure from the pain and humiliation of others, according to Medium.
* They may see it as a way to prove their own superiority and get the "narcissistic supply" they need to feel good about themselves.
It's important to remember that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder or strong narcissistic traits are operating from a place of deep pain and insecurity. While it's crucial to acknowledge the harm they cause, it's also essential to understand the underlying psychological factors driving their actions.
If "the retaliations" are scary and seem like the actions of a "disturbed person" and they are escalating, this article by Psychology Today called "The Hidden Danger of the Homicidal Narcissist
So here are some traits to watch out for to tell whether you are in any danger. The more of these things there are, the more dangerous the person is.
* A need to get negative narcissistic supply from you Negative narcissistic supply would mean the narcissist is feeding on these emotions from you: being upset and sad: being upset means, to them, that they have control over your emotions, that if they try to upset you, they will realize they have that kind of power over you. It's another sign to them that they can make a puppet out of you. If you are bothered by them throwing out your clothes, they'll be sure to "up" throwing your clothes away just to upset you, and then play dumb afterwards. If you are sad, to them it means they have managed to effect you in a negative way. They may do things that upset you more. If you don't like your dog running in the street, they will send your dog out to run in the street and then play dumb afterward. If you don't like ginger cake, they'll buy you a ginger cake especially for your birthday. If talking about a certain subject makes you feel sad and you don't like to re-visit those sad memories, they'll make constant excuses as to why they need to keep bringing it up. sabotaging you: a lot of negative narcissistic supply comes from sabotaging you. Let's say you get a promotion at work, and they not only do not celebrate the event with you, they also decide to rage at you and start an erroneous argument so that your attention is on them instead of your promotion. They might call your boss up at work and tell them you didn't deserve the promotion because you have serious psychological problems (when you don't). Then they refuse to talk to you for three days. getting you angry: They provoke you and bait you in ways that they know will get you angry and reactive. Once you become reactive, they tell you that you have serious mental health problems to get that angry at them. Then they tell you the argument was all your fault without taking accountability for provoking and baiting you for a response. This is also a bullying tactic, by the way. getting you jealous: Again, they provoke you and bait you to get you jealous. They talk about what great sex they had with their ex. They talk about how attractive a woman is at work. If you go to a dance, they spend most of the night dancing with others and keep looking at you to see if you are reacting. In extreme cases they have affairs and flaunt them in your face, but then act surprised, devastated and vengeful when you file for divorce. They can even say things like "You never cared about me to file for divorce!" controlling the conversation to get negative reactions out of you: blaming you for things you did not do, blaming you for things you did not say, blaming you for thoughts you do not have (called perspecticide). Any actions that show that they do not value you, who you are, what you do, or what you have to say is usually to get a reaction out of you. Stonewalling and silencing you is also one of the ways narcissists try to control what is discussed, when it is discussed, and how it is discussed. If they don't get their own way in this regard every single time, they have a tantrum, and often refuse to talk to you at all. sending the message that no one cares about you: This usually is a bullying technique meant to make you feel alone and lonely, without support from a single soul, an outcast, a shunned person that no one in the world will accept. Except that it usually comes with false narratives about you, and lots of smear campaigns to get other people doubting you and siding with the narcissist way before they want others to shun you. In other words, it is premeditated, an insurance policy in case you "buck" their control. Part of why they do this is to get you wanting to get approval from them and the group, especially their brainwashed group. This tends to work in their favor in the short term, but not in the long term. If this is the first time they do this, the negative reaction they want is probably what they will get: you'll feel alone, lonely and shunned. If they keep doing it, you'll probably figure out it is an obnoxious game they want to play to get you afraid and reacting, and to keep you from seeking other avenues of genuine support, instead of the very tenuous support they show you. getting reactions out of you where you feel afraid, intimidated, threatened, anxious and/or hunted: This is generally referred to as coercive control. This is the most dangerous of negative narcissistic supply, but I bet it comes with all of the others I have mentioned first or in tandem with it. If it includes sadism too, there is even more danger to it. Their wanting to get negative narcissistic supply out of you doesn't get better, and can get much worse. The amount of narcissistic supply they get from others is never enough. They always want more. Now imagine that their main source of narcissistic supply is the negative kind. This means they'll be increasing the amount of hurt they give you, sometimes to the point of sadistic acts. When therapists tell you that abuse escalates, listen to them. Getting negative narcissistic supply is part of it.
* Insults are a sign of danger too. This means they are devaluing you. When they've devalued you, they don't care what you feel, or how you feel, or how much damage they've done. Not caring about how you feel gives them the entitlement to treat you badly, with even more insults - or at least that is what they tend to think. To them, you've lost their esteem of you. How insults contribute to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)
* Arrogance is a sign of danger because it means the narcissist won't really hear you or listen to you because they have the attitude that they know best, that their mind and perspectives are better than yours. So if you want to tell them how you feel, grandiose narcissists will talk over you (not let you get a word in edgewise), covert narcissists will tell you that isn't how you really feel (and lecture you about how you feel something else instead), and malignant narcissists will tend to get angry because they don't want to talk about how you feel (it simply doesn't matter to them at all). Arrogance tends to contribute to narcissists having confirmation biases and being blind to knowing anyone else other than themselves, so they will not necessarily care if they put you in danger, or someone else does. How arrogance contributes to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)
* Controlling behaviors: Coercive control consists of threats, humiliation and intimidation. Usually there are fear tactics, interrogation tactics, revenge tactics if you are prone to autonomous thoughts and decisions, isolation tactics to keep you from relating to common friends and family, and gaslighting tactics to get you to question your own mind. Coercive control usually goes with domestic violence or precedes it. Therefor it is dangerous. Managing you as though they are your boss, teacher, or spiritual leader, and trying to keep you from your own autonomous decisions is a common type of coercive control. This means if you have an autonomous thought or ambition you are being talked out of it to take on the controller's perspectives, ways of doing things, thinking style and opinions. Sometimes you might experience revenge or threats from them if you don't "do what you are told to do" or "think the way they want to think" or "feel the way they want you to feel". Usually this kind of action is only for their benefit, not for yours. They also tend to give you negative reinforcement than positive reinforcement to get you back under their control. Negative reinforcement always comes with dangers.
How to recognize this subtle yet dangerous form of domestic abuse - by Shelley Flannery for Domestic Shelters Excerpts: ... Evan Stark, Ph.D., a forensic social worker and author of Coercive Control, estimates between 60% and 80% of female domestic abuse survivors have experienced coercive control beyond physical and emotional abuse. And a brief on the subject by Andrea Silverstone, RSW, executive director of Sagesse Domestic Violence Prevention Society in Canada reports more than 95% of domestic violence victims experience coercive control. ... ... While coercive control can be found in any type of relationship, it’s most common in heterosexual relationships in which the man uses coercive control against the woman. In fact, about one in three women who experience intimate partner violence report being the victim of coercive control as compared with about one in 20 male victims of domestic abuse. Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, says she believes this is due to pervasive sexism. ... ... Coercive control may not be explicitly outlawed in every state, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a red flag. In a review of intimate partner homicides in New South Wales, Australia, 100% of cases involved prior coercive control while just over half of offenders had previously been physically violent toward their partners. In other words, violence doesn’t always escalate incrementally. In more than 40% of intimate partner homicides, offenders who had previously used coercive control against their partners killed them with no reports of physical violence in between. ... * Does coercive control lead to domestic violence (Google Search and Google AI) * Does coercive control lead to criminal behavior (Google Search and Google AI)
* Isolating you from others is often part of every narcissist's agenda. Again, this usually comes with a lot of smear campaigns with false narratives that they tell others long before your relationship with them seems to be in trouble. Narcissists use smear campaigns as their insurance policy to hoard the people that you both know with fake charm and false narratives about your sanity, so that you will be shunned and unsupported by their sycophants and other minions when you do break up with the narcissist. If these minions are brainwashed for a long time, they won't want to hear your side of things. Isolating is another aspect of Coercive control that can be more obvious than other traits. *How domestic violence offenders try to isolate their victims (Google Search and Google AI) *ISOLATION TACTICS – How victims of Domestic Abuse fall into the trap- National Centre for Domestic Violence *How isolating a victim contributes to victimization (Google Search and Google AI) * How does isolation lead to victimization? (Google Search and Google AI) *Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age - by Günnur Karakurt and Kristin E Silver for Violence Vict., and National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology, Pub Med Central (professional paper) - section on isolation
* Breaking your property is often a precursor to physical abuse. It is also a type of revenge, and revenge in any close personal relationship is definitely a more serious kind of danger. Property Damage in the Domestic Violence Context - by D. Kelly Weisberg, UC Hastings College of the Law, for UC Law SF
* Lack of empathy is another danger sign. If they don't care about you, they won't care how things affect you unless they are into negative narcissistic supply and sadism. Lack of empathy with threatening, menacing behavior? Particularly dangerous. Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders (Google Search and Google AI)
* Lack of any regret or accountability for hurting you - more dangerous. A sign of Antisocial Personality Disorder which can co-exist with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders is particularly dangerous. However, even if they have a habit of apologizing, it doesn't necessarily mean they've reformed. It doesn't necessarily mean they have regrets either. This is especially true if they keep hurting you in the same ways over and over again via a cycle. * Lack of remorse or regret in Antisocial Personality Disorder- (Google Search and Google AI) * The Remorse of Abusers Too much can lead to more abuse. - by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. for The Resilience Center of Houston
* Criminal past, criminal tendencies, or a criminal mindset - even more dangerous. A lot of narcissists will break codes of conduct, like having extra-marital affairs on partners (the partner thinks they are in a monogamous relationship and is shocked to find they are not, for instance), or playing around with damaging gossip, or hiding addictions, or saying "I do" for the fifth time in terms of being faithful in their marriage, and insulting others in institutions like schools that expect polite discourse, but most of narcissists fall just short of committing crimes. For those narcissists who do commit crimes, there is usually some element of Antisocial Personality Disorder. The crimes can be taking things that aren't theirs but have no value on the lower end of criminal activity. Murdering you is on the higher end of criminality obviously. The amount of Antisocial Personality Disorder that is mixed in with Narcissistic Personality Disorder depends largely on what they do and say. A person that cannot take any complaint or criticism without wanting to hurt you in extreme over-reactive ways might be someone high in Antisocial Personality Disorder, especially if they cannot tolerate any kind of autonomous decisions or thoughts from you either. Micro-managing you in extreme ways so that you are constantly being monitored and told how you are making mistakes, and raging at you about the mistakes you are perceived to make, and punishing and insulting you for your perceived mistakes, especially when you are a full adult, is another trait of Antisocial Personality Disorder. Sometimes it is hard to tell what criminal deeds they've done until after the fact since narcissists also have a strong need for positive validation from society tend to put hiding their criminal acts first. The truth can come out as late as when they've been arrested for some other crime in the past, or it comes out in court from the prosecution lawyers that they've committed crimes before and have many victims. So don't necessarily assume they've never committed crimes. If they have strong Machiavellian tendencies that can be a sign of a criminal mindset as the focus is mostly on deceit and self serving interests. A "criminal mindset" can mean they are focused a lot on "getting their own way" in issues where property is joint, or children are joint, or where they make plans to "get" what they want out of a relationship without considering you or your feelings. A "criminal mindset" is often much more focused on revenge over matters which aren't meant to hurt them. While normal minds can be focused on revenge, it is more episodic and rarely carried out. A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting money, material possessions, lying about other people to gain favor, and rewards at the expense of others. A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting rid of people or manipulating people to get an unfair advantage over them (power) or to take something from them. A "criminal mindset" uses an incredible amount of charm, politeness and love bombing in order to gain favor and entry into someone else's life in order to gain something for themselves. They also use it in cases where their real motivations are not easily detected. Most narcissistic criminals are much more charming and affectionate than non-criminals. They act over-familiar, and over-intimate. The love bombing is usually intense, with a lot of flattery, a lot of mirroring of your likes and dislikes, and memes that you later find out were insincere. However, if you're not bowled over by them and their love bombing, or accept them right away (take things slowly), they can be rejecting, snippy, feel insulted and angry - that shows their entitlement. Entitlements is another danger sign. A "criminal mindset" is also about getting away with things as much as possible. A criminal mindset is very unlikely to change. If you tell them how you feel, how their actions effect you, the damage their actions have done, or the repercussions in their own life, or with their own family and society at large, they are still not likely to change a bit. These people are "all about themselves and what they want" so much so that they really can't focus on others. They will not have empathy, and they tend to act on impulse when their needs become "overwhelming" to them. Some of them make elaborate plans "to get the most out of situations that aren't immediately rewarding them". It is who they are, in other words. They may promise to stop stealing, or stop home invading, or stop dealing drugs, or what ever their specialty is, but overwhelmingly they don't unless they feel that arrest for their crimes and attempted crimes is imminent. They tend to go for more vulnerable victims, victims who are not suspecting or show weakness at being talked into things. A lot of people describe criminal narcissists and psychopaths as intelligent. However, committing crimes and lying about their intentions is not difficult. The difference is that if we act like they do, we feel sick. If they do it, they don't, and have very little conscience about their actions. They use your empathy and trust to gain access to you, to take from or manipulate you for their own gains. The real word for criminals is "predatory" and "Machiavellian" instead of "intelligent". The latter uses plans and deceit to get what they want, but many criminal plans usually can be detected by law enforcement, especially with technological advancements: DNA, social media and sightings, warning signals, cameras in every city and most businesses, drones and satellites, among other investigative techniques. Thus most criminals do not have "unusual intelligence" to go undeciphered. If you have a sense that something is "not right" about a person, or someone you know has the traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder, never meet with them alone. Crowds are best.
Narcissism is often described as a personality disorder with arrested development. When a child is born, they focus overwhelmingly on their own needs, and on getting those needs met by a caregiver. However, as they grow older, and as empathy develops in a normal way, they stop thinking of the world as "I got to have --" and "I have to get my needs met by others", and "I'm the most important person in this relationship". As the enmeshment with the caregiver weakens, either in a slow or fast way depending on the caregiver, the child also takes on more autonomous thinking, doing and planning. Narcissists and narcissists who commit crimes never get to this point. Their minds are still on "how to get from others" and "I'm the most important person in this relationship." Entitlement to control or take from others can come from having most every need and want met, especially compared to other children in the family - important distinction. As children, budding narcissists probably receive very little explanation for why they can't have everything and anything they want, (i.e. they are not taught "resource lessons") . Many of them are not taught basic lessons like: "Do not take from others," or "Those aren't your toys," or "You aren't entitled to receive more than your sibling." This is especially true if they are taught by example that they are "special" and deserve more rewards than others (arrogance). Thus when they believe that they deserve more than others, and also deserve to be "treated special" in terms of "getting", it is this entitlement, often mixed with envy, that drives them to exploit situations and others to "get more". If others show weakness in terms of the exploiter (malignant narcissist) gaining easy access, a trusting person can become a victim. Children who grow up in narcissistic families are often taught that boundaries are not acceptable when it comes to family members, and this is what can cause them to be victims with people outside of the family too. Boundaries are one of the first steps to becoming safe and autonomous if you are in a narcissistic family. Criminals especially love people who have poor boundaries, poor self defense, poor self esteem, poor knee jerk reactions to being exploited and taken from, and high empathy and trust. Criminality doesn't preclude doing damage to you in terms of taking your finances, your assets, your mental health, your trust in others, your peace of mind, and your very life. If they've gotten away with a lot of crimes, they can feel especially emboldened to hurt you and take from you again by other means. In other words they like scheming against you because of your vulnerability. * Can a criminal mindset contribute to domestic violence?(Google Search and Google AI)
When you are in danger, often a number of these things are at play. Whether it's two of them or ten of them, it's still dangerous. Yes, some of them are more dangerous than others. But when I visit forums for battered women, most of them are surprised that their so-called lover was that violent, was that calloused about how the violence was effecting his victim(s), was that blind as to how "at fault" he was. Most of these women are surprised that they ended up in the hospital with severe injuries that needed in-patient care. In other words, they didn't see it coming. And for a lot of them, only verbal abuse, or emotional abuse precluded this kind of violence.
... Not everyone is inclined to vengeance and some are much more inclined than others; additionally, certain emotions, such as anger, are much likely to up the possibility of revenge as well. People who set great store by their reputations, for example, are more likely to seek revenge if they feel they and their honor have been unfairly impugned. But the clear top-scorer on the vengefulness scale is the person high in narcissistic traits. Up next? The one high in neuroticism.
The narcissist and revenge
One study by Ryan P. Brown explored the link between lack of forgiveness and vengefulness; was being unforgiving a guarantee of revenge? It was true enough that people high in forgiveness were low in vengefulness, but being unforgiving per se didn’t predict vengefulness. The deciding factor? Narcissism. The people most hell-bent on revenge were both low in forgiveness and high in narcissistic traits. ...
Sense of Entitlement: Because they consider themselves special, narcissists expect favorable treatment as their due. They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get. They also expect the people around them to automatically comply with their every wish and whim. That is their only value. If you don’t anticipate and meet their every need, then you’re useless. And if you have the nerve to defy their will or “selfishly” ask for something in return, prepare yourself for aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder.
Entitlement is one of the major signs and symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (that whole article is worth reading if you are new to studying narcissism).
If you have a disagreement with the narcissist, expect that they will leave you with a list of demands that they expect to be fulfilled. If you don't fulfill them, you will be given the cold shoulder and they will try to smear your reputation and character. While it is extremely hurtful, don't take it personally - realize that it is part of their disorder.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula (whose video I have inserted below) makes a very good case that a narcissist's sense that they deserve entitlements that others do not deserve, has a deep connection to why they are not empathetic. I recommend it even though it's for narcissist's ears to hear, not their victims.
In most relationships with narcissists, make-ups aren't a mutual effort. They expect you to make all of the efforts and overtures (that's often the first time you see their entitlement). If you don't do it, most of them just give you the silent treatmentand try to sully your reputation. It is their way of showing you contempt for not doing as they please. Most of them go on to someone new who they think will better serve their needs. Usually that is as far as it goes.
However, it can go much further where they are dangerous to you: stalking, threats, threats of physical or social harm, sexual abuse, financial threats and financial abuse, demands that put you in danger, kidnappings or false imprisonment, murder.
You won't know how dangerous they are. It depends on their personal make-up and how distracted they are with their new source of narcissistic supply. It also depends upon whether they get similar narcissistic supply that they used to get from you. And it depends on how enraged they become over time about the contact or lack of contact you give them (a warning: they usually aren't happy with either so it is usually a no-win situation).
When they are "supply deficient", when their grandiosity is going through incredible challenges, when they are being called upon to deal with any kind of shame-related or illegal activities that they perpetrated, when they have expressed violent behavior in the past (with peers, or children, or animals), they can become dangerous. If you don't know enough about the violence or illegal activities they perpetrated in their past, the advice is to usually plan an exit, to stay away from them and keep law enforcement in the loop by keeping a record of aggressive texts, e-mails, conversations and actions. Talk to a domestic violence counselor and to police if you think you may be in danger.
Which is to say that their entitlement to initiate punishments and afterwards to receive apologies, attention, for you to be obedient towards them and their wishes, to put up with their abuse can become quite harmful and happen in ways you do not expect.
Narcissistic rage is an outburst of intense anger or silence that can happen to someone with narcissistic personality disorder ...
... We all desire attention and admiration from the people around us.
But people with NPD may react with narcissistic rage when they aren’t given the attention that they feel they deserve.
This rage may take the form of screaming and yelling. Selective silence and passive-aggressive avoidance can also happen with narcissistic rage.
Most episodes of narcissistic rage exist on a behavior continuum. On one end, a person may be aloof and withdrawn. Their goal may be to hurt another person by being absent.
The next article I'll present to you basically says the same thing with the caveat that it's a no-win situation for you if you ignore them (when they go silent and you accept the silence between you) or when you engage with them (which is likely to bring out their overt rage and the demand that you give into them): What Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist? According to 8 Expertsbythe editors of Up Journey:
How will a narcissist react to being ignored: If you ignore a narcissist and deny them their source, they may become enraged and try even harder for your attention – especially in ways that can be toxic or abusive. Ignoring a narcissist will enrage them because of their fragile egos. They’ll feel humiliated and lash out against you to protect themselves.
So for all intents and purposes, narcissists who hurt you by rejection and moving on to have a relationship with someone else, who forget about you or don't bother with you any more are a blessing compared to narcissists who become continually enraged that they didn't get what they wanted or expected to get from you (who are more likely to become dangerous). By the time you are discarded and they have moved on, perhaps you are exhausted from trying to please the impossible-to-please narcissist anyway. It certainly won't seem like a blessing at the time, but it can certainly be one later on as you realize that they were only in the relationship with you to attain more and morepower, control and domination over you, and basically run your life.
However, if you are involved with a narcissist who is continually becoming enraged (or conversely hoovering and stalking you) over being ignored, what do most domestic violence counselors suggest that you do?
Most domestic violence counselors will be making suggestions that will keep you safe. A good domestic violence counselor will always make that their first priority. So the general advice is to accept the silent treatment, move on with your life, and if they become enraged to the point where they "punish you" for not giving into them (giving them what they want), these counselors tend to advise getting law enforcement involved. Stalking, harassment (including unwanted communications from them), threats, stealing, slander (smear campaigns), restraining you, financial abuse, false imprisonment, attempted murder, attempted violence and physical abuse are all illegal. Eventually all states in the United States are likely to have coercive control laws to add to this list too. You have rights to peace, boundaries and safety and to not be controlled and manipulated by someone else. Note: people who are controlling in a close personal relationship usually have narcissistic traits. I encourage you to look at the other traits they tend to exhibit (some of them are listed on the right side of this blog) to make a determination if that is who you are dealing with.
A lot of blogs having to do with narcissistic abuse (like the one I found here that is a great blog in terms of what happens when narcissists try to dismantle your reputation and life, but not a good one in terms of keeping safe). These kinds of articles will tell you to keep ignoring the narcissist as he or she ramps up the attacks via smear campaigns, however ignoring them also means they are ramping it up without resistance - quite abusive and dangerous. Abuse always escalates, and most of the time it continues to escalate whether you are talking to them or not. Smear campaigns are just abuse-by-proxy. So resorting to a strategy where you are just ignoring them and their aggressive behavior (or their passive aggressive behavior) and the problems and attacks they are perpetrating in your life are often not a great idea. Always remember that ignoring them (even if they are the ones who originally initiated a silent treatment or discard) can mean that their narcissistic rage is deepening into an obsession, to the point where they have to do something to you to get relief from the rage.
They are often thinking ahead on how to do destruction to you or your life, so you have to think ahead too on how to handle it. Being proactive in terms of reporting is a great way to achieve a record, and to get legal help when you need it. There are many other things to do, and for that a domestic violence counselor should be sought.
Be aware, however, that victims tend to downplay the abuse and violence they are receiving. "It's not that bad", "He (or she) loves me", "He has a hard day at work, so I give him a little leeway", "She has to take care of all of our kids and I understand why she goes off the deep end sometimes", "I can put up with it", "He (or she) wouldn't be doing this if I had apologized more" and so on. Under-reacting happens because you are overwhelmed (and cognitively in a fight or flight mode), so it's natural to diminish abuse (but it is also dangerous).
Most of the people I know who are continually exposed to narcissistic abuse (including abuse-by-proxy) eventually feel they have to move, go no contact, contact a lawyer, get police involved, to get some sort of relief and legal protection to totally avoid the narcissist and the destruction they are trying to wield. However, moving is not always your preference, or do-able. But sometimes moving and going "no contact" is the best strategy with the present laws and types of protections we have in the United States (where there are too many loopholes in the laws and not a consistent form of training when it comes to police enforcement and protection).
As far as entitlement goes, abusers in general feel entitled to abuse you. They will make all kinds of excuses for why they have a right to abuse and to be emotionally dysregulated (i.e. rage off the charts). The excuses run the gamut: - "I was abused too as a kid. It was all I ever knew" - while it may be true, they have an obligation to clean up their act. - "I fed you and took care of you! I was a much better parent than my parent!" - it may be true, but they have an obligation to seek help to stop abusing you. - "It's just the way I am! I fly off the handle! If you don't like it, leave!" - good advice. Leave. - "I'm sorry you're upset. I have a right to rage if I want to. I'm not obligated to be 'Mr. Smooth Emotions' around you." - this shows lack of empathy for what their rage is doing to you (one of the definitive characteristics of narcissism is lack of empathy). While technically rage isn't against the law, it is a form of intimidation that tends to get worse over time. Raging at you a lot is a power and control move: they count on their rage intimidating you enough where you will give in to what they want. It should be a deal-breaker in terms of trying to maintain a healthy relationship. - "I'm sorry I insulted you so much, but you brought it upon yourself" - very typical phrase among abusers, and a sign of blame-shifting. - "If you had vacuumed the room perfectly, I wouldn't have gone off on you like that.", "If you had taken all of the dishes out of the dishwasher when I told you to do it, I wouldn't have smashed up the kitchen" - perfectionism in an adult-to-adult relationship is a common expectation among abusers, and they use it as an excuse to abuse. Notice how imperfect they are and stop trying to reach their absurd standards of perfection ( I suggest the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" as that movie demonstrates the absurd levels of perfection that can be expected over time). - "Stop crying, or I'll strangle your scrawny little neck!" - they feel entitled to tell you when you get to express emotions. Most narcissists do not have empathy when you cry, and they find it irritating. Plus they get enraged when other people cry over how they are treated by them. It puts the abuser in a shame-rage spiral (when narcissists feel ashamed, unlike the rest of us, they rage - they also do not feel you have a right to shame them, which is another reason they rage). Also, believe them when they make threats of strangulation. They definitely feel entitled to threaten, abuse and rage when they are feeling ashamed by anything, including your crying. However, just to put this in perspective, look at how much they shame you and others - probably a lot. Shaming is a form of abuse. Don't take any of this behavior personally and don't put up with their hypocrisies.
Some of the other common entitlements they expect: - they often feel entitled to tell you what you think and what you feel and will often resist being corrected by you. - they feel entitled to break your self esteem to teach you that they are more superior than you are, and that you should always be be their student. - they feel entitled to teach you "behavior lessons" (i.e. to treat you like a child who needs to learn lessons from them on how to behave in ways that will make them happy and where they can feel emotionally regulated enough not to go into a rage) - they feel entitled to shame you continually (to wreck your self esteem so that they can be in charge of what you do and what you say) - they feel entitled to meddle in your career or job. Some of them don't want you to work at all, especially if they are jealous (boss, co-workers, people you have hired, the type of work you do, etc) - they feel entitled to pit your spouse, siblings, children, grandparents, nieces and nephews, friends, co-workers, and boss against you. - they feel entitled to treat their children like little slaves
- they feel entitled to break promises any time they feel like it - they feel entitled to ignore your feelings
Need I go on? Narcissists can feel entitled to get everything they want, whether they hurt other people or not. The higher they are on the spectrum, the more entitled they will be.
WHY ARE NARCISSISTS SO REBELLIOUS?
One of the telling signs of a narcissist is road rage, going way past the speed limit, passing on the solid line, not letting you merge with traffic, hitting your car with their car and telling you that it was "all your fault".
If you are riding with them and you get into an argument in the car and you aren't responding the way they want you to, they can threaten to drop you off in the middle of nowhere and make you walk.
Some of the other things I have noticed personally:
* swimming in reservoirs (for drinking water) where there are clear signs that say things like "no swimming and no boating" * on the Long Island ferry there are clear signs everywhere that cars should not be started until the boat docks and comes to a complete stop. But invariably the "entitled people" start their cars up anyway, sometimes way before they see land (to keep the heater on, to listen to music - gassing out the people in the car behind them). * during the mask ordinance, a lot of the people who didn't wear masks felt that they had special immune systems, or special medications, that they could dodge the virus while watching the rest of their countrymen die or get sick (because, they reasoned, the average citizens had "inferior immunity", and lack of knowledge about medical or herbal "cures") * break laws about nude swimming * stealing * if they are "financially challenged", and a car is unlocked with a wallet in the front seat, they might feel entitled to take it * having affairs despite their marriage vows to stay faithful * abandoning their children, and because they don't want to be embarrassed by that fact, they tell others that their children abandoned them instead * they are caught cheating and to not be embarrassed it, they tell the person who caught them that their spouse is a domestic violence offender and that their new lover is saving them * they indulge in domestic violence and child abuse even though it is illegal * false imprisonment even though it is illegal * trespassing even though it is illegal * stalking, even though it is illegal * threats to hurt their spouse or grown children if you don't do what they demand (illegal in some states in the USA under new coercive control laws, completely illegal in the United Kingdom) * teaching a child how to shoot a pistol even though it is illegal * killing wild animals out of season, harvesting more wild animals that is over the legal limit * torturing wild animals in ways that are illegal * setting traps where there are "no hunting, fishing or trapping" signs * hunting on private property where there are "no hunting, fishing or trapping" signs, hunting within 100 yards of someone's house (both illegal) * consumption and trafficking of illegal substances * trafficking children or other human beings * lie about how much alcohol and drugs they consume * lie about cheating * lie about being victimized when they are the victimizers * then there is Jeffrey Epstein who felt entitled to have sex with a lot of underage girls, breaking the law blatantly, because he was wealthy, had co-conspirators, manipulated prosecutors into giving him "sweetheart deals" and had "dirt" on other wealthy people - he had all of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder plus some of the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder and communal narcissism. * and then there are a lot of narcissists who don't want to care a shred about how you feel and what you've endured, and they also feel entitled to refuse to hear you out, but when you put up boundaries and refuse to talk to them about certain subjects, and want "out" of the relationship, they find it maddening and cruel
Most of these incidences show rebellion. In other words, they feel entitled to act in these ways, but do not want others in their life to act like this towards them.
This is all so confusing when it comes to children: "Am I supposed to do what you do, or am I supposed to only listen to what you want me to do? And by the way, why do you get to do what you don't want me to do?" That's where the cognitive dissonance starts: wrong is right somehow, and right is somehow wrong. If you are a good kid and tell the truth, you are somehow bad, and if you lie a lot (especially for them) you are good. That's just a small example of the thousands of mixed up messages kids get. And to make it all worse, one kid from the same family practically gets away with murder, while another kid can't even get away with a facial expression the narcissist doesn't like without getting abused over it. That is because narcissistic parents put their children in roles. And to randomize this set of circumstances, some narcissists change the roles on their children so that no child gets comfortable with consistent treatment!
One of the greatest hypocrisies that most people notice early on in a relationship with a narcissist is that they expect complete compliance, conventional adherence, loyalty, and even hate any signs of rebelliousness from their victims, but are often over-the-top rebellious themselves, refusing to live by the standards they set for others.
They feel free to thumb their noses at societal norms, to be disloyal, to lie and over-inflate what they do and who they are, even break laws, and to top it all off, too cowardly to confess when they've broken laws. But others? They want complete confessions and reparations, especially if abuses, mixed messages and crimes committed against them. They have expectations of others that they would never live up to themselves.
If they are so rebellious, why can't they give you a break when you are just a tad rebellious? Do they only give themselves a break to act out, and excuse themselves for acting out, and not you?
The answer to this is "yes".
And it is why it is so hard to respect them, or even listen to their defenses, lectures, insistences of compliance, and attacks on our character. We get fed up with their double standards and their "Do as I say and not as I do" stances and excuses.
Entitlement, rebelliousness, "it's okay for me to act like this, but not okay for you" attitudes, and all of the glaring and myriad hypocrisies around their entitlements are too hard to live with day in and out, for anyone ... They are also some of the first signs that we see when we have gotten to know narcissists a little for who they really are. We come to understand that entitlement explains why they break promises without any kind of feeling or introspection, but feel that others should not only keep their promises to the narcissist, but do everything the narcissist wants. What kind of fantasy world do they live in?
A big one.
Their entitlement and hypocritical rebellions are also one of the biggest contributors to why they are incapable of hanging on to deep authentic close personal relationships. They can't be close to people because they have a compulsion to control them in ways they can't be controlled = bad outcome for relationships of longevity.
"Introduction to Entitlement"
by Dr. Ramani Durvasula: (my note: she makes the case that entitlement is deeply connected to their lack of empathy):
"Understanding the narcissist's entitlement (30 DAYS OF NARCISSISM) - Dr. Ramani Durvasula"
"When narcissists use their performance/accomplishments to justify their entitlement" by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:
"Your Disobedience Toward A Narcissist's Control" by psychologist Dr. Les Carter for Surviving Narcissism
"7 Signs Of A Narcissist's Entitlement" by psychologist, Dr. Les Carter:
also from Dr. Phil McGraw that I thought was really to the point (he makes the case of why narcissists should not be in therapy): What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
If you have been around abusers, you know that they blame a lot. They blame their co-workers, they blame their bosses, they blame their parents, they blame their family, and if you have any issues with them, they blame you too. In fact, the first thing they do if an issue arises is to start blaming you.
A trait that most narcissists, sociopaths and abusers in all facets have in common is that they tell you, others and themselves that you are 100 percent at fault for what goes wrong between you.
The exceptions are these: if they have just met you, they will be love bombing you, and in order to draw you in, they may make some exceptions to your being 100 percent at fault for issues that rise between you. The other exception is when they are trying to hoover you back in. I have yet to do a post on hoovering, but the premise is that it is part of the make-up stage in the cycle of abuse: idealize, devalue, destroy (or replace destroy with discard). They are trying to win you back into another phase of the cycle. In order to win you back, they might feel they have to apologize, or admit to as little of the blame as possible. The other exception is if they have become very educated about the Cluster B personality disorders, and are trying to avoid detection.
Other than these three incidences, if they are not attempting to put all of the blame on you, then they are not full blown narcissists or sociopaths. They may have some narcissistic or sociopathic traits if they are doing otherwise, but they aren't full blown narcissists unless you are deemed to be 100 percent at fault, and you are gaslighted (called crazy).
The fact that they never see themselves at fault, should convince you that they are incapable of self reflection. If you are always at fault, while they never are (in their eyes), it should also convince you that they don't know you, or anyone else. The fact that they are incapable of knowing you should also convince you that how they see you is projection.
Have you ever tried to argue with a narcissist or sociopath? If you have, it becomes clear that they are very aggressive, and that they think they are always right and that you are always wrong. They get haughty and they lecture you. It isn't a normal conversation or debate between two mature adults. In fact, during the debate process, they usually resort to "the low blow" of attacking your character instead of "keeping it on the subject." They also don't take a step back and say, "You know, you have a good point there. I hadn't thought of that before." They are hell-bent on winning the argument and talking you into their way of thinking and trying to corral you to think the way that they think (so they can get you under control, and doubting your own experiences and ways of thinking). Their self absorption is wrapped up in their own perspectives and feelings at all times. They try to think of come-backs when another person is talking rather than ruminating on what is being said. Most narcissists and sociopaths also interrupt, discount, get into your personal space, and refuse to listen to you as well.
You also know, if you have been on the outside of an abusive family, that the great majority of mature adults don't act this way: they don't go around telling someone else that they are 100 percent right, and that the other person is 100 percent at fault. Mature adults know how to reflect, and to think about what each person may be going through, why they have the perspectives they do, why the situation ended up in the way that it did, and so on. The rush to criticism, judgement and fault-finding are very narcissistic and sociopathic traits, and also one they practice even as they don't like it practiced upon them (hypocrisy and entitlement). They especially practice it on their own children (narcissists and sociopaths often have at least one estranged child eventually, if not more).
So why are they like this? How did they get like this?
Narcissists and sociopaths grow up in abusive, often authoritarian homes. There is evidence that narcissists have some brain abnormalities too (lack of gray matter in the left anterior insula which compromises empathy). With sociopaths, there is evidence that their brains are wired differently and thus react differently than the rest of the population in terms of stimulus. There is also evidence that severe child abuse can cause brain damage. So, some of this is on a physical level.
But most psychologists and psychiatrists believe that environmental and childhood factors play the largest role. The overwhelming number of abusers and batterers come from abusive homes and families. When a parent is an abuser, roughly 30 percent of his or her children will be abusive too (they will carry on the tradition of child abuse, and spousal abuse if the parent exhibited spousal abuse).
The fact that narcissists and sociopaths can lie, trick, slander and hurt others with impunity, and then "play innocent", also means that brain damage cannot be used as excuse for the wrongs they commit towards others and their constant desire to manipulate others to do as they say, think as they think, have the same opinions that they have, and so on. They also are fully aware that they are envious, retaliatory, vengeful and arrogant, but many who have woken up to the fact that they are narcissists admit they also like being this way, that it works for them as a pre-emptive defense mechanism. Most narcissists do not seek therapy, so that would seem to say that they like a defense mechanism that hurts others. So they definitely have a consciousness when it comes to how they treat others, and they know when they have hurt others.
Most will admit they don't care if they hurt you, but they are fully aware that they have.
HOW THEY GOT THIS WAY
Abusive families (families who have abusers in them) have several characteristics:
1. They lecture one another 2. They don't listen to one another (they often talk over one another, or interrupt, or talk loudly and hurriedly to get their point across -- in general, there is a lot of interruption of speech). Often there are accusations and defensive speech as well 3. There are estranged family members in the greater family: often there is a trend like it's the girls who are estranged, or the empaths who are estranged (very common), or the most successful ... in other words, the family decides to scapegoat members who have some similar characteristics 4. They use the drama phrase: like "So and so creates drama" -- they also use that phrase to excuse their scapegoating or ostracizing of a member (the drama phrase is a great tip-off to the lack of empathy residing in family attitudes, and lack of empathy is both a narcissistic and sociopathic trait). 5. Opinions are talked about more than facts 6. When children are hurt, the biologicals (i.e. not the inlaws) react to the children being hurt in several ways: "Toughen up! Stop crying!", or "You brought this upon yourself", "Fix your own problems", or "The bandaids are upstairs. Help yourself", "I can't be bothered now". Children are thought of as being so low in stature that their feelings, thoughts and experiences don't matter very much. The responses to pain are about ignoring, diminishing, making the child responsible for self-soothing, or putting the blame on the child. Children who go through pain are sometimes labeled "crazy" or "disturbed" as well (another tactic to take the blame off of themselves and put it onto a child). There is the expectation that family members should suppress, repress and bottle up feelings. 7. Money, power and politics are talked about the most. Competitive games are more of a family pastime than, say, music jams, writing a group letter to Aunt Agatha who couldn't make it, making a quilt together, getting the family plot ready to plant food, and other co-operative pastimes. 8. Someone in the family is deemed to have authority and a higher status than other family members (i.e. that their opinions, likes and dislikes, and what they want comes first, at all times, before all others in the family - the sign of an authoritarian family). This extends to Last Wills and Testaments where one child gets a great deal more from a parent, and the others either get a minimal amount or nothing at all. 9. Money and guilt-trips about money are talked about as an excuse for estranged family members. Also the "punishment phrase" is used (note that adult-to-adult punishments are always characterized as abuse, especially between family members). In other words, excuses and blaming are used to describe the estrangement and there is very little thought or discussion given to how estrangement effects the estranged person. 10. There is often a "ganging up" mentality, where one person is singled out for bullying (scapegoating). Typical phrases are, when the person tries to defend themselves from accusations being made against them: "We don't care how you feel," "We have heard enough", "We don't care to listen to what you have to say", "Don't listen to (scapegoat); there isn't anything worthwhile to hear" and so on. It is an isolation tactic common to all abusers (conform or be cast out: only two choices are given). 11. The attitudes about abuse are lax, and most often include pressuring a victim to apologize to an abuser, or turning the other cheek, or putting up with abuse to keep the family unit together. Most of the time this does not work, no matter how much pressure, shaming, consequences and ostracism is put on the family victims. If family victims do go back after they have been ostracized, they often leave again (abuse always gets worse, and escalates; it does not get better without an intervention). 12. Abusive elders assign roles and hierarchies to children and grandchildren. The child who is the most conforming, pleasing and fawning is given a higher stature (whether the child really means it or not -- note that conforming and fawning can be a defense mechanism against being abused, so it can be disingenuous). Favoritism, and the blatant expression of favoritism is a given in abusive families.
It is through hierarchy and favoritism that can determine whether a child will grow up to be abusive.
The golden child:
* The golden child is the favorite one, and grows up being taught that he is more important than his brothers and sisters. The golden child is often given praise while the brothers and sisters are not. This can, and often does, translate in his mind to him being more important than other people. This is a lot of the reason why abusers are so arrogant. They were groomed as children that they are higher in stature than others, and are rewarded for it as well.
* He grows up being taught that he can do no wrong. This would account for why they cannot tolerate the thought that they are wrong about anything, and why another person is 100 percent at fault. A person who has been taught that he can do or say no wrong in childhood feels that his ways of thinking, his experiences, and his ambitions are more important than what others think, experience and dream about, and that the people who are in his life must conform to it, or be cast out. A person who was able to abuse a sibling in childhood, feels that he can abuse others without feeling that he isn't doing anything wrong. This is because there were no repercussions in childhood for the sibling abuse. In most abusive families, victims are told to apologize to family abusers, or to keep quiet about the abuse. In fact, many golden children keep their status by continually blaming another sibling when things go wrong. If it works, he will use it in his other relationships.
If he can't totally convince, he can lie or exaggerate. This would account for why abusers lie more than others in the general population.
Sometimes a sibling abuser is rewarded for lying about and bullying the family scapegoat (all abusive families have a scapegoat that either gets picked on relentlessly and grows up with different rules of conduct than other family members, and is either derided as being crazy, or is ostracized, or isolated).
* He grows up feeling that he deserves and is entitled to deserve so long as he plays "the fawning game" with his parent, telling them sweet-nothings, or makes excuses for falling off the "fawning bandwagon"; i.e. that he made a mistake in not supporting his parent 100 percent. If a parent believes the excuses, this would account for why your abuser uses excuses, and believes that excuses will work in winning you back.
Fawning over an abusive parent is a lot of the reason why grown up abusers love bomb,flatter, tell you that you are a soul mate and ingratiate so strongly in the beginning of their adult peer relationships. They flatter you so much because they grew up with a parent who required flattery constantly (translation: narcissistic supply). In fact, flattery was the panacea to everything that went wrong. "Flatter or be treated as a scapegoat" is the underlying message. In his grown up relationships, he will think it is fine if he abuses a partner so long as he can make excuses for it or blame his victim (as he did in childhood: he got away with excuses and blame-shifting in childhood, so he figures he will do it in adulthood too).
If his parent or parents put 100 percent of the blame for abuse or separation on his spouse, this will further the idea that he can be rewarded for blaming others and not be accountable for hurting others.
* He grows up being rewarded for mirroring his abusive parent. This is the same as flattery, except he takes on the qualities and personality of his parent. He flatters by showing, "See? I am so much like you! You have to accept me because I have all of your qualities. To reject me would be like rejecting yourself!" Narcissists especially enjoy children who are like them, so this works as a strategy for avoiding abuse, and for getting the parent to abuse the one least like himself or herself. This is why abusers try to mirror you in the beginning of a relationship, pretending to have the same thoughts, experiences and interestswhen they are love bombing you. If they can convince you that you are their soul mate (as they did with their parent), then they feel they have "hooked you in."
* If a mother treats her son like a god, and abuses her daughters, a boy can learn that women are to be looked at as objects for abuse (sexism). If the girls aren't listened to, he will learn that women his own age aren't to be listened to or taken seriously. If he learns that he never has to apologize to his sisters, and they have to apologize to him instead (which is what favoritism by a parent means), then he will grow up with the attitude that his wife or partner always has to do the apologizing. If he learns that it is okay to verbally abuse his sisters, he will most likely verbally abuse his wife or wives (unless, they too, have learned how to mirror to avoid abuse).
* The scapegoats of abusive families often tend to be sensitive, empathetic and creative. This translates into his learning to look at sensitive, empathetic and creative people as being lower in stature, of being worthy of scapegoating, rejection and abuse.
* Golden children, more than the other children in the family, learn to have a false self. They feel they have to mirror and conform to their parent to feel safe from the abuse and threats that the parent lobs at the other children (or scapegoat child). This would account for the public self and private self that abusers often have (Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde).
* If the parent describes the scapegoat as crazy (which just about all of them do), they might eventually take the scapegoat to therapy. If the golden child hears the parent continually using the "crazy" label and that the scapegoat "needs therapy", the golden child is likely to be resistant to therapy themselves. Just about all narcissists and sociopaths are resistant to therapy and working out their relationships. They blame instead. Grooming a child to think of an emotional, sensitive, artistic child as crazy, while he is not, has a lot to do with why abusers don't go to therapy unless they are required by law to do so.
* In conclusion, golden children can end up as grandiose narcissists who feel on top of the world, as though they can exploit or lie to anyone and get away with it, who feel they are always right (because of their higher status in the family, which gets translated into "higher status in the world" for many of them), who feel they don't need to listen to others, who feel they always deserve (entitlement), who feel that they will never be accountable for anything, any behavior, any wrong-doing towards others. Their parent has taught them that they are special. That would explain why they never feel accountable, and why they put 100 percent of the blame on someone else's shoulders, yours (if you are their spouse), for instance.
The scapegoat:
Note: most scapegoats are sensitive, empathetic, artistic and whistleblowers. Most of them can't stand the false faces, the parade of false flatteries, the lies and inauthenticity. So they speak loudly about it. This gets them punished (because others in the family are trying to keep the false image intact so that they don't get attacked). Because they find themselves punished, derided, isolated, abused, rejected and outside the family so often, and for erroneous reasons, they are the least likely to carry on the tradition of abuse. However, a small number of them still do as a way to never let what happened to them in childhood happen to them in adulthood. They sometimes compensate for their low self esteem, and being the object of bullying by being aggressive and bullying themselves in their adult relationships.
* They learn that they cannot be heard within their family, so they make a point of being heard in adult peer relationships. Sometimes this goes overboard, to the point where they interrupt, talk over, shout over others who are trying to talk.
* They have the attitude that most people are lying and inauthentic, so they can accuse others of lying and being inauthentic. If their narcissistic or sociopathic parent cheated (common), they think others cheat too, including their present partner. This would explain the accusatory nature of some abusers who are sure, for instance, that their partners are cheating on them, or will cheat on them, when they are not, or won't.
* An abusive parent will try to sabotage a scapegoat. The sabotage can be far-reaching and extend from emotional damage, to sabotaging the relationship their child has with other family members through smear campaigns, to sabotaging their work (by the parent trying to become enmeshed with their child, or by telling them they won't amount to anything, or conversely micro-managing their careers and infiltrating, to jealous revenge if their child succeeds). It tends to be multi-faceted. Scapegoating means not being loved by your parent, and it means being bullied by your parent, and by your siblings too. So scapegoats can be justifiably afraid that others are trying to infiltrate their lives to control them and to sabotage them too. Many scapegoats will not want to commit to others, including their family members and those outside their family, and will not want to be controlled in any manner (they become allergic to any kind of authoritarianism to the point where the drive to be independent of authority is overwhelming). So even a mild suggestion can set off the alarm bells that someone is trying to control them (with all of the brainwashing and sabotage that comes with being controlled) that they can go ballistic over an insignificant experience that puts them in a helpless position again. Over-reacting to being told what to do is the outcome. If your abuser was severely abused as a child, he (or she) may be losing their temper in order not to be controlled, bossed, sabotaged or hurt again.
* Child abuse often extends into their personal belongings where the parent uses a child's belongings and toys as weapons. If their toys constantly came up missing, or were given away, or broken in a rage, or sold or given away without permission, or where a more favored child was granted their toys, the scapegoat grows up with the feeling that his or her possessions and money are "never safe" (common). Toys and belongings are exploited or used to express rage and disapproval. In addition, scapegoats are often stolen from by their siblings (especially a golden child who feels he is entitled to what the scapegoat has, who feels as though "he deserves it" by virtue of his higher status with his parent, who feels that if he doesn't get what his sibling has or wants, he will no longer have anything to do with his parent or his sibling). Most scapegoats have experienced this to a great or lesser extent.
This can mean that scapegoats often feel that others want to steal from them, or to sabotage them when it comes to money and possessions. The first place they look in adulthood is at the partner. The accusatory remarks are directed at the partner because they know nothing else other than being stolen from, their things being broken or missing, their things being used for nefarious purposes. They can be paranoid where personal property is concerned. Scapegoats can get to the point where their family is no longer welcome in their homes. They can also get extremely overwrought and accusatory when it comes to things and money going missing.
Many abusive parents and bully goldens keep toying with scapegoats in terms of money and possessions long after childhood, and they can still be stolen from and threatened when it comes to money and possessions, because child abuse never ends, even when the scapegoat becomes a full adult. He is still punished, and there is ample evidence that 70 year old children are still being punished by parents in their 90s.
* Scapegoats often learn they are hated by their parent, no matter what they do or say, and even when they are kind, so they stop trying to please. Most abusive parents do not celebrate their scapegoats' birthdays, and awards and successes. If the labors of their work are destroyed by the parent (common), then they are especially likely to give up. To many, pleasing and fawning are sickeningly phony anyway, especially if they have a fawning pathological liar sibling. And while many scapegoats take the attitude that they will be authentic to juxtapose the phony family image and the lying, being overly truthful can hurt others too. Some bully scapegoats have no problem talking about their spouse's weight, attractiveness, talents, and other things which they find lacking, and are hurtful. They can attack in a way their parent attacked them (by attacking, and looking threatening, some scapegoats who become resentful loners hope others will not dare to mess with them again). In fact some of them try to micro-manage others in a way that they would never be able to tolerate themselves. While this isn't common (because scapegoats themselves are often micro-managed on steroids and are groomed to feel they should always listen to others and not themselves), if they get to a tipping point where they are punished over too many unjust episodes, where they believe they won't be liked or loved even when they are kind, they can experiment with bullying themselves.
Because they feel they won't be loved or liked anyway, they can have the attitude that "why care what effect it has on others; they won't like me anyway whether I'm nice to them or not" -- because most scapegoats are still hated and marginalized no matter how many good things they do. They are heard the least amount in the abusive family system. When they are blamed 100 percent, it is usually made up and erroneous, such as making up the thoughts and feelings of the scapegoat -- referred to as perspecticide. Since abusive parents cannot admit to fault, they scapegoat a member instead. Isolating a child, making them feel they are a freak, making them feel unwanted, making them feel 100 percent "at fault", can sometimes mean an explosive dangerous suicidal bully (see Lyle and Erik Menendezwhose parents were allegedly verbally, emotionally, psychologically and sexually abusive towards them)
* Since a parent who scapegoats, often judges his or her child to be 100 percent at fault for what goes wrong in the family, if it is particularly unjust, cruel and abusive, the child can judge his parent to be 100 percent at fault as well. There begins to be a rift, a permanent enmity between parent and child. There also begins to be "blaming sessions" on both sides, with neither side listening. The child will not listen to the parent because of the blame shifting the parent is likely to do, and the parent will not listen to the child because they are dead-set on scapegoating the child. The child is not loved by the parent, and the child can no longer respect or love his cruel parent either. Scapegoating usually produces a broken relationship. Not only that, but many scapegoats find that they are so embarrassed by their parent, and sometimes by their entire family, that they don't want them around. Putting up with interruptions, crazy-making lectures made for 7 year olds instead of grown adults, being punished over a look on your face or a feeling they decide is egregious, is not palatable or desirable for scapegoats, especially in front of one's spouse, children and inlaws. For some scapegoats, the inlaws become much more important than their own blood family. Imagine being bullied, lectured and blamed over erroneous made up things by your parent in front of your own children or your spouse, or your mother-in-law. This is a boundary most scapegoats will not allow their parent or a bully sibling to cross. Trying to keep the toxic family and their ways of coping (like blaming 100 percent) away from them, their children and spouse is why most scapegoats go "no contact" with abusive parents. Sometimes these parents are derided, ridiculed, and laughed at, just as they laughed at their scapegoat - while common, it is also a continuation of the family tradition of blaming, even if out of sight, though it is heaped on the parent who instigated it in the first place.
For some scapegoats who haven't worked through their feelings about their parent, or haven't sought out a healthy resolution to the problem of being constantly blamed, continuing the family tradition of blaming can be the result.
Fortunately most scapegoats seek therapy, and through therapy they learn they have an abusive parent. Instead of the blaming going outwards into future relationships, and poisoning those new relationships, a therapist can help a scapegoat get out of the role of being blamed, and having to defend themselves from real or imagined attacks. Additionally, most therapists strongly suggest scapegoats go "no contact" with abusive parents in order to heal and live in harmony with a "family of choice".
Without working through the feelings of injustice, grief and anger in a healthy way, some scapegoats hang on to these feelings for a long time. In a forum for scapegoats who are estranged from their parent, a question was asked that if your parent would listen to one thing what would you want to tell him or her? Hundreds responded, and roughly 50 percent had something to say that had anger in it. "I hate you b**ch", "You became nothing to me just as I was always nothing to you", "Let your golden child lock you away in a nursing home and throw away the key. You deserve it", "I won't cry when you die. In fact, I may go out dancing" and other angry phrases were written. The other half said things like "I have no desire to talk to my parent. I left that a long time ago", "It's a cruel fantasy to think that they would listen to anything we would have to say. No, I have nothing to say to my parent", "I have nothing to say to that woman. I like my life now. I have accepted that we're done."
Anger is part of the grieving process and is somewhere in the middle. Acceptance is at the end of the grieving process. While every scapegoat will go through the grieving process differently, it is my opinion that being stuck at the anger phase does not help you heal. It will also not help you in your present and future relationships. You are stuck at the point where you were blamed unjustly, and while it is human to seek justice and a fairy tale ending, scapegoating usually does not produce a fairy tale ending with the person who hurt you. Parents who abuse their kids do not feel good unless their children feel bad -- that's just a fact of life that one has to accept. You can get the fairy tale ending via a healthy loving relationship with a "family of choice" and abide by the quote that "the best revenge is living well", but the huge majority of abusive parents will not wake up; they will not seek help; they will still want to hurt you; they will still want to dominate you and punish you at all ages; they will still spend a lot of their time in blaming and rejection activities; you won't change them into loving non-retaliatory types of human beings, because, to reiterate, they don't feel good unless you feel bad.
If they are a narcissist or a sociopath, they will still want to blame you 100 percent no matter how much evidence and reason you throw at them. They are heavily, heavily invested in scapegoating and there isn't anything you can do about it, at least in the United States under present laws.
Some narcissists and sociopaths may try to trick you into thinking of them as changed human beings, but realize it is extremely rare and takes a great deal of steps at rehabilitation, much as addicts have to do to stay on track (which I will discuss in another post). Their pronouncements of enlightenment and change are likely to be a hoovering maneuver, so be careful.
In order for a scapegoat to be healthy to his partner, and his children, counter-blaming and feeling like an eternal victim has to be given up eventually to move on with your life. In order to be happy with a partner and children, and to reach a point where you can "dare to trust" others, an abusive parent should be let go of (and often scapegoats are rejected anyway), or at the very least put on the extreme sidelines of your life. Please note that most scapegoats find that "sidelining" a parent does not work because abusive parents toy with and test boundaries.
Other toxic roles:
There are other toxic roles in abusive families other than the golden child and the scapegoat, and these include the lost child and the mascot.
With mascots who turn abusive, the weapons of choice can be making a laughing stock out of their victims, taunting, goading, prodding, poking fun at, deriding in a humorous way, saying passive aggressive things which make their victims look stupid or crazy.
With lost children who turn abusive, the weapons of choice can be ghosting, avoiding, dodging, deflecting, balking at talking about certain subjects, frustrating, stonewalling, retreating when confronted, stopping the conversation short, and a general over-all inability to discuss emotionally-laid issues in any depth.
The point is that abusers started out as child abuse victims first. They either adopted abusing as a defense mechanism, or they adopted abuse to make sure they retained a dominant position at all times.
The worse type of abuser feels above everyone else and is entitled, that they deserve to be in charge and call the shots at all times and under every circumstance. They are more likely to be an abuser who is a golden child who could do no wrong in a parent's eyes, and will reject many people throughout life because they are on a quest to find the perfect sycophant or servant, someone who will put them on a pedestal just as the parent did. Let them reject you unless you like walking on eggshells, taking constant commands, dealing with lectures meant for small children, being reprimanded and/or replaced if you don't live up to the command. Otherwise, move on with your dreams.
When children grow up in abusive families, they are either going to be fawning, fighting, avoiding, joining in on the bullying or trying to get away as these are the only responses available to children who are hostage to seeing, hearing and/or experiencing abuse.
THE DYNAMICS AND ABUSE TACTICS OF BLAMING WHY ABUSERS CANNOT ACCEPT BLAME AND INSIST THE BLAME BELONGS TO OTHERS
Most abusers are going to be fault-finding constantly in order that you work harder for them. This is why they want your self esteem to be compromised: to do what they say, think what they want you to think, and feel what they want you to feel. The worst abusers manipulate people around them constantly, with every word that comes out of their mouths. They also enlist and engage flying monkeys to do their bidding.
When they want everything that goes wrong to be 100 percent your fault, they will be telling you that youhad it coming, that you brought it on yourself somehow. The selfish label is also used (however, always pay attention to hypocrisies because abusers are notorious hypocrites). These people feel entitled to abuse because they see you as needing to put them way ahead of yourself and other people in your life. They see you as needing to be 100 percent loyal to them at all times (even though most of them are extremely disloyal themselves).
They see you as a child in need of a commander, rescuer and reprimand-er. It is probably projection on their part that they see you as a child.
In order to get you to let them be in command, they gaslight you (i.e. try to get you to believe that you are too stupid or crazy to be able to handle your own life and affairs). All victims of abuse experience gaslighting from their abusers because it is the most common tactic used among all of them.
Whether you believe in their gaslighting (their propensity to tell you that you are confused, crazy or stupid) largely depends on how supportive your family is, how grown up your family is, whether you are educated in the gaslighting tactic, and how much you really believe in what they say. If you catch on that they are gaslighting you, and they are controlling in a way that it is for their best interests, then you are more likely not to believe in what they say, so in order to not be detected, they do try to convince you that everything they do is for you, and you alone.
Other ways you can become vulnerable to gaslighting is if you were gaslit by a parent as a child. Also, it can be easier to ignore the gaslighting if you are trauma-bonded to your abuser, financially dependent on your abuser, or if you have Stockholm Syndrome.
Children, by far and away, are most vulnerable to being talked into gaslighting by abusive parents, and vulnerable to more gaslighting from school bullies and mates later on. They are also, by far and away, the most damaged from gaslighting. In fact, it is so effective at making children feel they are crazy, confused, powerless, voiceless, incompetent, stupid, wrong, flawed, unlovable and not valuable that they become vulnerable to other abusers, and thus evermore gaslighted. I would venture to say that when children under the age of 18 who commit suicide over abuse and bullying, do so because of gaslighting. Gaslighting will destroy your child.
The only reason that you can accept something as being 100 percent your fault is by being gaslit effectively, by being talked into it, and believing in the results of the gaslighting, otherwise you can't. Being 100 percent at fault is not reasonable, or adult, or emotionally mature, and, as I have said before, is a major sign of a narcissist or a sociopath. The 99 percent of the population with normal empathetic constitutions do not talk that way, or even think that way. They self reflect and try to understand all of the dynamics at play in situations, they ask a lot of questions, try to gain an understanding of why, what and where, and they don't have temper tantrums over their lack of control over other people, where as abusers think in black and white terms: i.e. "I am 100 percent innocent and wake up as a saint every morning and you are 100 percent at fault and are evil for not letting me take command over your life and allowing me to tell you what to do, how to think, and how to feel, and how to perceive yourself in the way that I do: as someone who is flawed in every possible way."
The important thing to remember is that labeling you as "100 percent at fault" is seven year old behavior; it is how very young children experience the world, in good and evil terms. Narcissists and sociopaths also see the world in good and evil terms (black and white thinking). That is why cartoons and "The Wizard of Oz" appeal to children. It plays to their growing sense that there is good and evil, and they have to decide which road they will take. It is normal in very young children to think in black and white terms, i.e. to say someone is 100 percent at fault, and not normal in grown adults at all.
The proclamations of labeling you 100 percent at fault are also very self serving for them. They are letting you know with that statement that they are not doing what is best for you; they are doing what is best for themselves. If you are 100 percent at fault, they do not even think about your issues. They want you to think the way they do, and be concerned for them only (while not showing you the same kind of concern in return). They want you to take the entire burden of fault on to your own shoulders, so that they do not have to be burdened themselves with thinking about the situation, feeling anything about the situation. They just want their entitlements and fantasies met, and they don't want to be inconvenienced with perspectives, differing viewpoints, thinking about how they are effecting other people, being concerned with other people's feelings, and they will do just about anything destructive to get their needs and wants met.
They will try to talk you into as much as they can towards what they want and how they perceive things, and if you don't cave in, they start with the threats and terrorizing: "You won't have my love", "You won't go with me to the office party", "You won't be part of the family", "You won't get any more money", "I'll go find someone else", "I'll abandon you," "I'll make your life miserable", "I'll take away the kids", "If you get sick, you are on your own," "You won't get any inheritance", "Other women want me", and so on. If they use the silent treatment on you, there is usually blame behind it, and often the end to the silent treatment is about allowing them to blame you 100 percent. The threats are aimed where they think you are most vulnerable. If you are having medical problems they will threaten not to care or help you, if you are financially dependent, they'll threaten to take away money or make you homeless, if you are disabled and dependent on a seeing eye dog, they'll threaten to take away your dog. They will "hold out" in many cases for years and years until you bend to their will by telling them they are 100 percent right and that you are 100 percent wrong (and in most cases, they will accept lies about this if they are the words they want to hear).
If you are a child, you can see why this is extremely damaging: you are taught that lies are acceptable to make them feel better; you are expected to see yourself as flawed (100 percent at fault, even when you aren't) to be considered worthy by them at all.
If you are aware that you have been abused as a child and that it continues into adulthood, you will probably not want to be part of your parent's horrendous game of "It's all your fault all of the time". You can go to this post to determine if you are the victim of child abuse.
Constant injustice (which is what being 100 percent at fault is) will cause PTSD. PTSD gets worse every time you are around your parents because they trigger you, which gets your brain in PTSD mode again. PTSD is caused by being bullied (or emotionally abused, or physically abused, or by being in a violent situation, or by being traumatized by something catastrophic, or by being threatened) coupled with feeling helpless and hopeless. PTSD symptoms get worse every time you are traumatized. PTSD can become so extremely debilitating and difficult to live with, and the worse part is that narcissists and sociopaths can't and won't care or try to make things better for you in that department. If anything, they want it to get worse, much worse, so that they can talk you and their friends into looking at you as crazy. Your PTSD works for them because they see it as an avenue for shaming, manipulation and control, for more enmeshment, infantilization, parentification, isolation from real love, and co-dependency. They will always make your PTSD worse. As psychologist Dr. Judy Rosenberg has reiterated many times "They only feel better if you feel worse."
Being triggered by bad parents who cannot take any responsibilities for their own part, or their own actions, and cannot love you without constantly strong-arming you into making their fantasies come true at your expense, are why a lot of child abuse victims separate from their parents.
I will talk about PTSD and abusive parents in another post, but suffice it to say that if a commander was telling you to go into battle in never-winning-forever-losing battles with heavy casualties, you couldn't do it after awhile. The reasoning, the commands, the demands, the sacrifice, shouting, punishments, reprimanding -- you could no longer get talked into it. You would probably be willing to be court-martialed.
You can't get talked into any more with abusive parents either after awhile. It gets to the same point as it does with soldiers who are constantly in defense mode, constantly traumatized by the tactics and surprises of the enemy, and constantly retreating from attack. If the casualties are covered up or lied about, or soldiers are slandered and shamed, it will quicken and deepen the PTSD. Likewise if you have parents who attack you, who constantly put you on the defensive, who demand you explain your actions and motives (and then give you the feedback that your actions and motives are all wrong most of the time), who talk you into them being in charge of your self perception and well being when it is obvious they don't care about you or love you at all, who slander you and get others to bully you, you will develop PTSD after awhile, and it will get worse every time you are in their company. It will especially get worse if you experienced a lot of abuse in childhood too. The more abusive your childhood is, the less you will be able to withstand their fault-finding, walking on eggshells and arm twistings (i.e. the PTSD that results from it).
In other words, it will get to a point where leaving them is your only option if you are to live a fulfilled life without abuse and without getting constantly traumatized and triggered. The most triggered child abuse victims will feel sick to their stomachs, will have heart issues, will sometimes dissociate, will sometimes have weight issues whether that is anorexia, bulimia or obesity, and will be extremely distraught around their parents, and also around their siblings if the siblings took part in any scapegoating.
Since most abusive parents do not have the slightest understanding of PTSD, they keep thinking that if they punish their children harshly enough, if they devalue their children enough, if they sanction their children enough, their children will come running back and bend to their will, when just the opposite will happen. The longer the parents hold out, the more it proves to the children that the parents are unloving and cruel. Also the children will get triggered to the point where they will not even want to see their parents. They will also be criticizing their parents more and more, just the opposite of what the parents want. That is because child abuse has a planned obsolescence in its victims. As it escalates (which it will if there is no intervention), the "punishments" become more and more unreasonable and severe. If abusive parents can isolate their kids enough, they may very well turn into Turpin-style parents, with false imprisonments and terrorizing their children for more and more erroneous reasons. These kinds of parents live to disable and isolate their children, even adult children. The less these kinds of parents feel they are in control of their children, the worse the child abuse gets (and that goes for adult children too). Everything that isn't nailed down into rules and regulations will get nailed down, or used for reprimanding. That is why they micro-manage, and why the micro-management gets ever more rage-ful and severe. Abusive parents are never satisfied with the level of control and persuasion they already have. They want more, and more, and more, down to punishing your facial expressions and it even escalates to Turpin-style reprimanding and punishments: how much water is on your wrists, for instance (a particular Turpin-style discipline) ...
Asking children with PTSD to go through yet another shaming session with their parents is like asking a child who is starving and disabled from starvation to get up and do a marathon dance for food. It isn't going to happen.
The reason why abusive parents will insist that you are one hundred percent at fault has to do with their parents expecting perfectionism: they either saw their siblings being reprimanded or experienced it themselves, often over "little things" like spilled milk, leaving peas on the plate, not caring enough about their feelings (when they show they could care less about their children's feelings), to the point of micro-managing everything you do so that you reach their expectations of perfectionism in manner, dress, in the words you say, in the feelings you express, and in the duties you perform for them.
While it is good to teach children to be aware of the feelings of adults and how much food they are leaving behind on their plate, reprimanding them constantly has the opposite effect that parents want. Children who go around feeling guilty that they are not perfect, and who never questioned whether the insistence on being perfect was a good or bad thing, can, and do, sometimes reprimand their own children for not being 100 percent perfect too. It is not a very big jump to go from "my child is not being 100 percent perfect and co-operative for me" to "my child is 100 percent at fault."
Narcissists absolutely believe (especially if they are constantly surrounded by fawners and worshipers) that they are 100 percent perfect. That is why they have no tolerance for people who want them to take some part of the blame, who are criticizing them or shaming them, even if they dish out plenty of it to others, which most of them do. So since the belief that they are perfect is pretty rigid (unchanging), they also believe that just about everyone around them is imperfect, and needs their lessons on how to be perfect. That is where the lectures come in. Lecturing and haughtiness is a sign of an abuser (before you get hurt).
If you fail at learning their lessons on how to be perfect, you are punished, even as an adult.
So the progression goes like this: you are deemed to be perfect for a little while (at least long enough for some initial love bombingandmirroring) until you do something they don't like. When you do something that they don't like, which you will, they will lecture you, gaslight you and tell you how flawed you are, then if you put up any resistance or do not follow their prescriptions of how to be perfect, how to perceive yourself as flawed, how to live your life up to their standards of what they believe about you, they then devalue you and threaten you. From there, they either discard you or try to destroy you. After that, they try to run smear campaigns either about your character, your sanity, your intelligence or they try to paint you out as a bad person. They are forceful about their opinions of you and usually if people outwardly nod their heads in agreement with them, the narcissists and sociopaths take the nod at face value, rather than as a nod with some suspicion and questioning behind it. That is because narcissists and sociopaths cannot see or believe in nuances: they are, as I have said before, plagued with black and white thinking, even when it comes to being flattered (or getting narcissistic supply).
A lot of why they discard and destroy is that they feel entitled to get what they want, and if you cannot give them what they want, they feel they have the inalienable right to devalue you or destroy you, and claim that you are 100 percent at fault for it.
One reason they want very badly to believe that you are 100 percent at fault is because they feel completely vulnerable, like shattered unprotected little children if they do not lay all of the blame on yours or someone else's shoulders. It is totally Halloween scary for them to entertain the idea that they are as imperfect as other human beings, that they have the same flaws that they announce other people have (they don't want flaws so they give them to other people, in other words, leading to hypocrisy). They are also very afraid of not having control and power over others, of being looked upon as anything other than an authority, which is why they threaten people so often.
The problem, for them, comes in trying to convince others that you are 100 percent to blame. First of all, it is not the way most people talk or think about things. They actually raise suspicion when they talk in that way. This is especially true if they say it about their own child (because they brought up their child). If they seem to have a pattern of getting remarried and divorced on a regular basis, or are in one relationship after another, or there are a lot of children in the greater extended family who are estranged from their parents, if they always lay blame on their former lovers and spouses (and those former lovers and spouses have similar stories) they also raise suspicion. If they are known to have affairs or to bankrupt their exes with frivolous lawsuits, it raises even more suspicion. They will do anything to keep those suspicions out of people's minds with word salad and lectures and elaborate explanations and excuses, but it still doesn't work because laying 100 percent of the blame on someone else is not an adult response to issues.
If they say you are crazy and that they can't "take it any more" -- most people know that normal parents do not abandon children who have mental health issues. With former lovers and spouses, they can get away with calling them crazy for a time, but not if they leave a bunch of victims behind with the same stories (they tend to label all of their exes as crazy).
So from suspicion and not believing in the stories that narcissists and sociopaths tell, there arises the problem of narcissistic supply depletion for them (which can cause tremendous depression in them as the one thing they count on is that they will be forever young, forever looked up to, forever entitled to receive special treatment and status from everyone around them, forever telling people what to do, and being first place). If all of that is crumbling away, they are pitiful in a way that others aren't, because most of us are not like them: we don't live by the fantasy that we are rulers and infallible. We don't think that we deserve high praise for discarding important people in our lives, but they do. They want the praise even if they discard their own children and spouses for erroneous reasons. In fact, most of us don't discard unless we are dealing with outright criminals or child molesters, and we tend to do a lot of self reflection, even in the company of others. We are not so arrogant to think that 100 percent of the blame should always be on someone else's shoulders. In fact normal people are not all that focused on blame; they are focused on experiences, the nuances of experiences, the feelings that are generated from experiences, and the re-telling of experiences in honest terms.
Narcissists are turned off by the open discussion of experiences, preferring to believe in their own fantasies and distortions of experiences in order to fit their world view or their opinions about other people. They also cannot tolerate feelings about those experiences. They spend more time trying to shut people up than dealing with the experiences that people have.
Narcissists and sociopaths spend their entire lives "jockeying", in smear campaigns, and in blaming others, shutting people up, and in either lying about others or in fantasizing about others as either all good or all bad. It seems that is their number one job and career in life. They spend inordinate amounts of energy on these kinds of narcissistic supply issues at the expense of other important things, that when they get older, they get worse because they think all of their tactics and tricks will still work even when their victims are long burnt out. As psychologist, Dr. Judy Rosenberg has also reiterated, "Most narcissists and sociopaths die alone." This would be the reason why.
Many years ago when I first went to a domestic violence counselor, I told him that a narcissist in my life loved hurting me, that they lived to do that. "I disagree", he responded. "They live to control you, and only hurt you when they feel out of control. But people in our profession know that they feel out of control often, and that they keep testing new avenues for power and control. That's why they escalate abuse. They are never satisfied with the power and control they already have; they want more, an amount that is never attainable. It doesn't mean that you should let them control you so that they can feel normal again, and get back on the throne that they think they deserve. (This person) is not happy at all, let me tell you. They feel extremely hurt, depressed and paranoid when their self-entitlements to control others are being taken away."
In the next two segments I show what it sounds like. The first segment shows some examples of how a narcissistic parent tries to convince her child that she is 100 percent to blame, and the second shows how a narcissistic spouse tries to convince his wife that she is 100 percent to blame.
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE FOR ADULTS
OF CHILD ABUSE
Warning: if you are a survivor, the following instances may trigger you. Please take precautions.
These examples came from forums for adult children of narcissistic parents (to get advice and support).
The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
In the following illustration, Stephanie is happily married to John and has two children. Jason is 2 years old, and Emily is 4 years old. Stephanie complains that her stepfather, Alan, has a horrendous temper and is blaming her for feeling and thinking certain ways (perspecticide). Her stepfather also tries to discipline Stephanie's children by locking each in an empty separate room in a basement with nothing to play with for an hour. After the hour is up, Jason is found playing in his own feces, and her daughter is so traumatized by the experience that she screams in terror and then is unresponsive for days afterward. Her stepfather tries to keep Stephanie from her children during the "learning lessons" that the "punishments provide". She is seen as a bad mother by her parents for trying to intervene on her children's behalf.
Her mother, however puts the blame entirely on Stephanie's shoulders for her step father's rage and for her children not being able to cope with "the punishments". Stephanie is backing away from her mother and stepfather to protect her own children, and the mother is retaliating with threats. Stephanie reports to the forum members that she feels guilty for abandoning her mother, but feels she has no choice, that she has to put her own children first, and keep them from being damaged the way she was damaged by her parents.
The conversations were all from texts and e-mails and my own notes are in red:
The issue was about Stephanie wanting Emily to have a birthday party at her own home, with 4 year old peers, and the mothers of the 4 year old peers. The mother has just found out about the party through the grapevine and invites herself and her husband:
mother: We can come to the party after 3. Alan has his pool match, and nothing can deter him from that.
Stephanie: This is really a party for 4 year olds and the mothers of 4 year olds. No parents, and no one your age will be there. You won't enjoy this party.
mother: Alan is enough companionship. I don't need people there my age. That's funny that you think I need to be entertained by people my own age! In fact it is interesting that you think I won't enjoy this party, as if I don't have a say in this matter.
Stephanie: Mom, I'm asking you kindly. This is my child's birthday. Please respect that. I need this party to be about my kids.
mother: You forget that I'm her grandmother somehow. How convenient of you to think that you are the only person who is in their lives and loves them.
Stephanie: You can send them a present if you like. They'd enjoy that. I just want my kids to be happy. I don't want them to be upset like the last time.
mother: How dare you insinuate that I'm not a good grandmother and that Alan made them upset! Your kids are out of control and you've never disciplined them. Alan is just trying to teach you from his years of experience. Notice how she automatically assumes that she is a wonderful grandmother and that her daughter is a bad parent. It's stated as a fact. Narcissists are so sure they are wonderful and 100 percent in the right, that they rarely, if ever, consider anything different.
Stephanie: Mom, they are upset every time they are at your house. I can't have Alan screaming at me again, then shutting away my kids when they get upset that their mama is being screamed at. John and I work really hard at creating a loving, calm environment for our kids, and Alan can't seem to respect that.
mother: It's interesting that you see Alan's discipline and calling a spade a spade as screaming. It's also interesting that you attribute his discipline as being upsetting for kids who you are allowing to be out of control. Family is family. You need to learn to accept that Alan is family because that will never change. You also need to respect that everyone has a different way of expressing themselves, and Alan has some legitimate points. Notice the lecturing here: "You need to learn" is very, very common. Narcissists still treat adult children as 10 year olds who need to learn lessons. Also note how the mother is trying to put her husband's and her own disciplining of the children above her own daughter's. She is not letting her daughter decide on how her children are to be treated.
Stephanie: I disagree. My kids don't need to be locked in basement rooms. My son doesn't need to play with his own feces!
mother: That's your doing! Not Alan's. Let's put the blame where it belongs. It belongs to you. The fact that Jason played with his feces has everything to do with your parenting skills, not with us! He spends almost every waking minute with you, not with us! If you had disciplined your son, he wouldn't be playing with his feces! Did you ever consider that for one moment? No, because it's all about you. What child plays with their own feces and it's the grandparents fault! I guess we're your dumping ground for everything that goes wrong in your life and your kids life. You know, Stephanie, I've had quite enough of this.
Stephanie: He never played with his feces anywhere but your house, and I have to attribute it to being locked in a basement. It has happened twice now.
mother: I know a liar when I see one. You're not going to convince me of that. Good try, but I don't buy that for a second! It is common for narcissists to say that their children lie. It is just another way to deflect culpability.
Stephanie: Why can't you see that this behavior hurts me? Why can't you see that this kind of discipline creates trauma for my kids? Why can't you see that this is not healthy for us? Believe me, they are not learning anything from these lessons other than that Alan is cruel. Children know the difference between cruelty and a learning lesson. Notice how Stephanie is trying to get her mother to recognize the pain that she and her children are going through. Narcissists spend so little time on how anyone feels, and how experiences effect others, that you can see that this passes right over the mother's head:
mother: I really don't want to hear any more of this. This is so disrespectful. You WILL respect me. One way or another you will show respect for your elders. You might have to learn the hard way by not having parents. Is that what you want? We are certainly not going to take responsibility for how you feel or even how Jason and Emily feel. You have created this monster mother and monster stepfather. Interesting. Did it ever occur to you that you need to create monster parents to keep you from taking responsibility for how you feel and how your children feel? Notice how the mother is focusing on "respecting your elders", the card that most abusive parents play to get their children to comply and put up with parental rages and cruelty. Also notice how she is turning herself into the victim of her daughter. "You have fantasized a monster mother" is used to deflect away from her daughter being in pain, and the grandchildren being traumatized by the experience of being locked in a basement. Trying to make the daughter responsible for her own feelings, and the children for their own feelings, despite what is happening, instead of "looking at the discipline of locking children in a basement as a possible folly that might produce undesirable results" is a common manipulative tactic.
Stephanie:I need respect to be a two-way street. John and I are bringing up our children in a certain way, not your way. I'm asking you to back away from these disciplinary lessons, and let us be in control of that with our own kids.
mother: And you continue to be disrespectful. You really are pushing me to the edge. Well I have a son. You're not the only child in my life. I don't need to be wasting my time talking to a brick wall.
Stephanie: Mom, I love you, but we disagree with your disciplinary measures. I don't want my kids locked in a basement again. Alan assured me that it would create good results, but it hasn't and won't.
mother: You didn't give it enough time. Children stop acting out after awhile. Don't you think we know something after all of these years? I've been a parent much longer than you have, and you need to understand that I have been at this job of parenting your whole entire life plus years before. I don't appreciate being treated as though I'm inept at this. "It takes a village to raise a child".
Stephanie: He used to lock me up too. And let's be honest: Alan's kids come to see him once a year or once every other year. This is not what I want for my own family. It doesn't do the good that you think it is doing. I just don't want to talk about this any longer. You had your way of bringing up your kids. Now it is my way.
mother: Interesting. You're not just going to fire your mother without a fight. I am those kids' grandparent. They love me, despite the monster you have told them that I am.
Stephanie: I didn't tell them you were a monster. They still love you. That hasn't changed.
mother: But you won't let us into their lives. You make it all sound like cookies and cream, but you are prejudicing them against Alan first, and then me. You're trying to convince them that Alan putting them in a basement room is cruel. It's not like it is solitary confinement.
Stephanie: Well it is cruel. They were crying! And Emily was screaming! What don't you get about that? There is evidence that isolating children does more harm than good.
mother: Children cry and scream. That's the nature of children. Yesterday coffee was bad for you, and now it is good for you. It toughens children up to isolate them and teach them a lesson. There has to be consequences for behavior. They were screaming, and crying and having a tantrum when Alan was trying to talk to you. Is that a way to behave in front of an elder? They need to learn to sit there quietly. They learn to self-care when they are left alone, and they learn to be disciplined and listen to the good advice of the people who love them. You'd rather read about crazy fad stories than your own mother. Interesting.
Stephanie: Mom, I'm not going to be treating my children like their feelings don't matter. I don't wish to discuss this matter any more. "Empathy is more meaningful than discipline" is the message here. Often authoritarian families do not put stock in empathy because toughening up and obeying your parents comes first. This daughter of an authoritarian family is breaking with tradition and often when these kinds of traditions are broken and not respected, ostracism of the daughter is the result.
mother: Interesting that you're trying to shut me down and shut me up. I've had enough of this drama. Give my regards to my Emily and Jason. I won't come. And neither will Alan. Goodbye. Notice the very common "drama phrase" being used.
The more the daughter tries to get her mother to focus on feelings, the more the mother shuts that part of the conversation down, and answers back that the daughter is not respecting her elders -- this is typical of authoritarian families. "Compliance over what ever pain you are feeling" is the rule reiterated over and over again.
So parents like this will get rid of their child so that they don't have to look at or pay attention to the pain that the child or the grandchildren have. Even it is about unhealthy disciplinary tactics (i.e. abuse tactics). Since the parents no longer have to look at it, they no longer have to hear about it, they no longer have to talk about it, or consider that it might be wrong. To consider they "might" be culpable in hurting their own child or grandchild does not enter their minds. If it did, the response is: "It's good for them. It toughens them up" -- called normalizing abuse.
The cartoon is: "Child acting out? Just put him in an empty basement room for an hour or two or three. How about for days when he's a teenager and has the audacity to wonder if you are doing the right thing? How about a life time when your daughter makes it known that locking humans in a basement is not a family tradition she will be carrying forth? If you can't lock her in a basement, why not reject her? That will teach her to respect how her elders do things!" "Your feelings belong to you"; i.e. "You are responsible for your feelings no matter what" is also the other blame-shifting tactic at work here. More people on the planet believe this phrase over the preceding narcissistic phrase: "Each one of us is responsible for how we effect others, and other beings on the planet. For every action, there is a reaction."
Stephanie was ostracized by her family. There were two more short conversations after this that we all saw (messenger texts), but as is usual in these situations, it went downhill fast.
Most of the conversations featured her mother saying things like, "You know what the matter with you is?", "Listen, Stephanie, I'm not going to go along with your crazy viewpoint" -- gaslighting, "You know, you can't be a part of this family if you don't listen to and accept Alan. He's trying to do the best by you.""Family should come first over your own feelings" -- look at the hypocrisy and projection in this statement. Alan is made out to be a saint who is losing his temper because Stephanie is not listening to him. Meanwhile, Alan tells Stephanie that the way she feels about her mother is tearing the family apart (this is an assumption about Stephanie's feelings; it is not a question posed to Stephanie about her own feelings). It went so far as to telling Stephanie that Stephanie is jealous that her parents are giving more attention to the grandchildren instead of to Stephanie, and it is the "real reason" why Stephanie is trying to limit her parents contact with her children.
In the end, everything that was said by Alan and everything that was said by the mother featured perspecticide. Perspecticide is about negating the feelings of others, or assuming that you know about the feelings of others, and replacing them with your opinions. It is, of course, an admittance that you think others lie about their feelings constantly. It is a tactic to put the other person on the defensive, and each defensive phrase iterated by the other person is used to create another attack. It is the most common abuse tactic there is. You can assume that Stephanie was demonized at the end of it all, and "black-sheeped": seen as a foreigner, and scary, and of not acting "the way she is supposed to act", daring to disrespect the traditions of her elders (it's a tradition of child abuse that Stephanie does not want to pass down), and of not acting like one of them. At the end of it all, daughters like Stephanie are told they are either a "spawn of the devil" or "a serpent" or a "snake". She received the "spawn of the devil" label. Instead of dealing with the pain that Stephanie and her children are dealing with, and making Alan even a little responsible for his rages, it is all turned on the daughter. By failing to act like "one of them" and "approving the disciplinary activities" of her parents, was the reason for the ostracism. Her mother, however, goes around saying that her daughter no longer wants to have a mother, which has created a situation where others approach Stephanie on the street and say, "How could you do that to your own mother?" -- which gives a narcissist a lot of narcissistic supply, "the pretend act of being a victim" of a recalcitrant daughter or spouse (translated: "I didn't get my way").
So how did the forum members react to all of this?
Hundreds responded to each post that Stephanie put up. The overwhelming response was "Your mother and my mother are the exact same mother! All so word for word, and the only thing that has changed is the set of circumstances! Wow!"
Most other responses were about their own stories (which I tell below) or ran along these lines:
"Stop talking to her! Run away!"
"So glad I left all of those kinds of conversations behind. Happy to be on my own and having normal conversations again."
"They want you to learn, while they can't learn a thing! So blind. It's wearying and triggering to look at this again. They are ALL alike, every single last one of them. I swear they went to narcissism school just to learn how to shift the blame off of themselves in all the same ways that every narcissist does."
"Look at how enamored she is of herself, at what she has to say! Narcissism at its finest."
"They will never hear what anyone has to say, at least not without putting it through a blaming filter, on top of a shaming filter, on top of a filter that says everyone lies all of the time, on top of another filter that says they are right all of the time, on top of another filter that says they can read people's minds and judge people's feelings accurately when it's just a lie they tell themselves, that how they do things is the best for everyone even when it isn't. How can you listen to a person who sees the world through all of these filters 24/7?"
"I wish people like your mother and my mother didn't exist. There isn't an ounce of love or understanding in anything she has to say. She's just strutting around like a peacock trying to peck you to death."
"How easy would it be for her to say, 'Okay. We'll try it your way.' No. 'Children MUST be locked in a basement and be miserable!' So absolutely bonkers!"
"They can't stand it that their parenting style might be abusive. Instead it is 'Get rid of the messenger, and fast!'"
"They think the world should pity them for you not following their abusive parenting style, instead of your children for being miserable in a basement for hours."
"They love to eat their own."
"Save your kids first, worry about the parents later."
"Maybe your step parent did this to try to get rid of you. Mine tried every tactic in the book, including anything cruel he could think of, lying about things I said, to get my mother to believe I was an evil child that should be gotten rid of."
"I bet she believes in a woman's right to vote. But she doesn't believe in a woman's right to bring up her own children in the way she wants."
"Here ye, here ye: how to put 100 percent of the blame on your child and ostracize him afterwards in three short conversations, in easy-to-follow steps that all narcissists use, and in no time flat."
"I couldn't even read this. Triggering after the first few phrases."
Absolutely no one said, "You need to go back to your parents and apologize" or "How cruel you are for not taking your parents advice about how your children should be treated." The therapists and psychologists who scan these kinds of sites reiterated that the parenting style was abusive and that Stephanie did the right thing by not exposing her children to this form of cruel discipline.
One reason I am bringing up this example is that this situation is exceptionally common for daughters of narcissistic mothers.
They tell their daughters that they are lousy mothers. This is so that they can go in for control of their daughters and of the grandchildren by teaching "parenting skills." They hope their daughter will believe in herself as "a lousy mother". If these narc mothers are not given the "okay" to control, they threaten their daughters instead, in the following way: you won't have a mother, you won't have support if you ask for financial help or help with the children, you won't be included in the Last Will and Testament, you won't have a family of cousins and aunts and uncles because no one will support you or like what you have done. So a daughter has to make up her mind whether she will cut her losses and live without the extended family, or whether she will allow her mother to infiltrate.
If she allows her mother to have control of the parenting and the kids, this is typically what happens:
The grandmother usually tries to talk the kids into her daughter being a lousy mother, that Grandma loves and cares about them while Stephanie does not. If Stephanie hears of it, she may say, "Mom, why are trying to tell my daughter that I don't love her?" And the mother usually responds, "I would NEVER say that! About my own daughter? Who do you take me to be?" -- which is the typical gaslighting phrase.
The grandmother tries to talk Stephanie into punishing Emily over telling lies that grandma said things about Stephanie that weren't true.
After Stephanie punishes her daughter, grandma tells her grand-daughter, "You poor thing! Your mother spanked you? Oh, come get comfort from Grandma! I'm so sorry your mother doesn't believe you or love you! But I do. You can always count on Grandma's love. If you aren't being treated well by your mommy, just come to grandma."
The grandmother, in effect, puts Stephanie on a string, as though she is a marionette, telling her how to treat her children at all turns. The grandmother is constantly making plans to divide and conquer the kids and Stephanie.
The other thing that happens is that the grandmother makes herself such an annoyance to Stephanie's husband, demanding enmeshment with her daughter, trying to get her daughter to talk about troubles in the marriage, that the husband ultimately makes an ultimatum: it is me or your mother.
So Stephanie, again, must choose. If she chooses to keep her mother in her life, husband and wife must divorce.
If there is a divorce, the next thing that happens is that grandma invites Stephanie and the kids to live with her and Alan. Since Alan is abusive to children, the children become traumatized, and then Grandma soothes the kids over the trauma, at least the kids who are following grandma's orders.
What happens in the end is that Stephanie becomes estranged from her own children (they take grandma's side and become abusive to her, with the abuse condoned by the grandmother). She also becomes estranged from her mother (ostracism -- "No one likes you, not even your own children"), from the entire extended family (because grandma has worked for many years at turning them against Stephanie too, little by little, by telling them that Stephanie is mentally ill, that Stephanie makes up stories, that Stephanie is a failure and a burden because of having to rely on the family financially, that Stephanie's ex-husband is a no-good louse and that Stephanie can't make good decisions about men, that she is doing most of the child-rearing while Stephanie goes around in a daze and is not a good mother, etc). The reason why the whole family might reject Stephanie is because they grew up with abuse and estranged family members too; abuse has been normalized within the entire family.
When the grandmother dies, she leaves all of her money to Alan and her grandchildren, making sure that Stephanie doesn't get a cent.
If you read survivor forums, you see this again and again. And many forum survivors tell their stories to get young mothers to see the insidious road to hell with a narcissistic mother who wants to control the grandchildren.
Not all survivors of narcissistic mothers know they are being abused, or know they have a narcissistic mother. They might not find out until they are completely alone without a family. If they are lucky enough, they will separate at the stage where they bring up their own children without grandma in the picture, or move far enough away where grandma cannot see them very often. If Stephanie has been told what to do by her mother her entire life, it will feel very foreign to Stephanie to make her own decisions, which is why daughters cave under their narcissistic mother's ultimatums.
For those survivors who did not have children, they said things like, "I always sensed that my mother would try to impoverish me and take over my children. It was just a gut feeling. Now I know why I felt reluctant to have children."
In the next segment I talk about what it sounds like for partners or spouses of abuse. The important thing to remember is that in this segment and in the next segment is that narcissists and sociopaths do not care about another person's feelings. You can talk about feelings, how hurt you are or how your children are, or your spouse is, for decades, but they will not listen or care. They show they don't care by insisting that you apologize to abusers (if the daughter, Stephanie, goes no contact, if she does come back her mother is highly likely to insist that Stephanie apologize to Alan). The most important thing to them is control, and the way they see themselves getting control is to blame, criticize, triangulate with the people in their targets' lives (including a target's children as in the Stephanie example), to strong-arm them into apologizing to abusers, create doubt and confusion through lies, brainwashing, smear campaigns and gaslighting.
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE FOR PARTNERS AND SPOUSES
In this segment, I talk about how the typical blaming tactic can sound between husband and wife. For the sake of convenience I will use a narcissistic husband who is blaming his wife.
A note here: The high majority of survivors who end up with abusive narcissists or sociopaths as mates came from abusive homes. The reasons are:
1. permeable boundaries (from growing up with abusers who demand apologies to abusers, who expect enmeshment and answers to constant interrogations and gossip)
2. not knowing how to set and keep a boundary (because abusive parents try to crash through the boundaries their children set -- see past example)
3. a poor understanding of what constitutes appropriate behavior (because abusers will always try to normalize abuse -- that there is something wrong with their victims for not being able to live with it, for not seeing the good in it, for not feeling anything but hurt by it
4. over-familiarity with narcissists and abusive people while growing up
5. feeling loved starved (abusive families make it a point that children aren't valued or loved unless they are controlled, accept that they are deeply flawed, and allow their parents to claim full authority over their children's lives
6. where normalization of abuse comes in the form of tenuous family membership, where victims of abuse are expected to apologize to abusive parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents.
If you are from a normal family without abuse, I would suggest you read the prior example as it will explain the ultimatums and enmeshment that happen in abusive families, one that your abusive spouse or partner grew up in.
One reason your spouse or partner went in the direction of being a perpetrator of abuse as a child is:
1. to try to please an abusive Mom or Dad by being a "mini-me". Trying to mirror their parent in terms of having the same personality, views, feelings, thoughts and aggressive behavior is the highest form of flattery, and narcissistic parents make it known that they have to be flattered at all times, to be thought of as "the perfect parent", and will punish any child who criticizes them (while they feel they have the inalienable right to constantly criticize their children).
2. by being abusive, your partner or spouse feels they are defending themselves against attack, criticism, and feelings of shame. They don't want to feel shame, so they adopt grandiosity and a threatening demeanor instead -- i.e. that they are beyond reproach.
3. they are controlling as a defense mechanism against being controlled themselves. They grew up in a family where the members were either dominated or controlled, and where there was a hierarchy of who was allowed to dominate, and there were no other alternatives. If abusers can be in a position of controlling everyone around them, they feel relaxed, and good. When they don't feel in control, their anxiety is off the charts, their minds are either spinning like crazy to find out how they can manipulate their victims to gain control over them again (and this is where the threats and hoovers come in), or they simply do not want children in their lives whom they cannot control. As I've said before, abusers are in families with a lot of parent-child estrangements, or the children are neglected at the very least.
4. they shame you, blame you, take you for granted, gaslight you (tell you that you are crazy), and criticize what you do, what you say, make fun of your feelings, etc. because, most likely, they saw their own parents do it. They do it as a way to control you and keep you under their control. They figure if they can break your self esteem and your ambition to do things without their comments and meddling, that you will look up to them as an authority and do as they say. The reason why they get so angry when you criticize them is that they feel they cannot be an authority if you look at them as flawed, as having the same faults as you do, or as others do. It also has everything to do with why you are 100 percent at fault for what goes wrong in the relationship between you. If you are 100 percent flawed, and they are 100 percent perfect, they feel they have retained their control and their stature over you. It is only through being an authority that they feel at peace in the world. If their authority is challenged, and it touches their own self esteem, they can either feel hurtfully angry, or shattered to the point where they feel suicidal, or both. They try their best not to get to that point by discarding you, or imprisoning you, or beating you up when their authority is being challenged or threatened. This includes anyone else in the household as well, including any children. They feel they want and need total control over everyone, including who talks to whom, how people express themselves, what members say to others outside the household (it is why they comment on these things constantly) ... they feel that controlling others successfully means keeping themselves free of being dominated and shamed themselves.
Please note: it is perfectly natural to feel compassionate towards a partner or spouse with this kind of background, however it does not mean that you should allow them to call the shots, or to dominate you, or to isolate or imprison you, or slander you, or repeatedly shame you, or to micro-manage you, or to beat you up. They will not "get better" by you allowing them to completely dominate you and tell you what to do. In fact, they are known to get much, much worse. That is because when you give them what they want a little, they will keep chiseling away at other things they want, so that you are under their total control. That is why in the prior example Stephanie ended up with no children, no parents, no money, no dreams of her own.
They know that all of the things they are afraid of (being dominated, being abandoned, being criticized, being nitpicked, being lied to, being talked down to, being isolated, being controlled, being talked about disparagingly, being thought of as a pitiable lowly creature, being shouted at, being interrupted, being made a laughing stock, being hit, being made to feel 100 percent at fault, being financially destitute, leaving them without any familial support) is bad for them; however, they don't take even a second to think that it is bad for the people in their lives too. They are too self absorbed to think about it. They are so focused on what they want, what image they are projecting, what they are doing or not doing that is succeeding in getting people under their power and control, what come-backs they have to what other people are saying, that they don't have any empathy. They can't under those circumstances.
If you truly have empathy, you cannot control others or purposely hurt others. You are forced to deal with how other people are feeling. You are also forced to see people more for who they truly are rather than how they are living up to what you want or don't want. But narcissists don't want to feel empathetic. They don't like empathy. Most of them have the attitude that empathy is "inferior", because they see how they can trick and fool empaths, without realizing that without empaths, the whole world would be at war, with everyone out to dominate by the most forceful means possible, and no one would bother to help the wounded or dying in those wars. Empathy keeps the human race from destroying itself. Not wanting to feel empathy, or respecting empathy, is why they don't care when you are hurt by them. They especially make that clear when they cavort with your enemies, or try to turn other people against you.
Control and domination, and talking down to others, for them, always has to come first, even if they have to get rid of you or ignore you or make up wild stories about you in order not to hear any of your feelings.
If there is one thing all survivors have in common, it is being shut up.
The other reason why being controlled and dominated won't work for you is that as your abuser escalates the control and the abuse, the more likely you are to develop PTSD. PTSD is horrible to live with and there is no cure for it. Ask any soldier afflicted with it. If the PTSD gets severe enough, you won't be able to live with, or placate your abuser anyway. Everything he or she says will trigger your PTSD. You will feel like a chained up animal who can't sleep. Or you'll sleep with one eye open. Living in an environment with people you can't trust, and are purposely hurting you and controlling you will also make you hyper vigilant, like walking on eggshells. If you fight their control, your abuser will just try to control you more (whatever your abuser feels he must do to keep you doing what he or she wants you to do). When you are no longer useful to your abuser as you won't be if or when your PTSD becomes severe, he (or she) will usually discard you for someone else. The abusers' constant discards to find better, newer sources of narcissistic supply, all without caring how it effects you or anyone else around him (or her), should always be taken into consideration as you make plans for your life and future. Narcissists discard, sociopaths terrorize. It's just who they are.
Both also put the blame 100 percent on your shoulders as well, whether they are talking to you directly or trying to persuade others. That's also who they are.
If you are a survivor of abuse, and have been to therapy, I bet you walked into your therapist's office and asked, "What happened? What did I do wrong? Why am I being blamed? Why is he trying to turn our kids against me? Why did he run off with another woman and treat me like so much left over garbage? What just happened to me?" -- that's because you have been criticized and expect a critique on how imperfect you are, and what you didn't do right for him. You might even think you need to say something perfect, or look perfect to get him to treat you right. You might be trying to get advice on what you need to do in order to get him back to loving you again the way he did at the beginning of your relationship.
If the perpetrator hasn't discarded you yet, and they are willing to go to therapy with you, most of them will be criticizing you in the therapist's office, about what you don't do, and do. They will be focusing on what you do that upsets them and makes them angry, and they will be blaming you as much as they possibly think they can get away with, close to 100 percent if they can slip it by the therapist without detection or a reaction. They'll also see you as culpable for making the relationship a nightmare, and for creating an unhappy uncaring environment for the children -- that's how the majority of perpetrators approach marriage counseling. The majority don't go to therapy in the first place, because they don't want to be questioned. They just want a docile marionette. Because they don't like to "chance it" that they will be interrogated, cross-examined, that they will be put on the spot for their behavior. They may reluctantly go, but it often isn't their idea to go to work out the differences between you. They have deemed that to be your job, right? Most only go because they want to "win the argument." They will be feeling they have to win favor; they will have to win at the therapist agreeing with their perspective over their partner's; they will have to feel they are in the right and that their partner is in the wrong; they will have to feel that they can turn the therapist against their partner. Otherwise, they will quit.
That's a huge difference in approaches to therapy.
The reason I have spent so much time talking about what generally happens, is that looking at a conversation between an abuser and a partner is just a snippet in time, and doesn't show you all of the pitfalls.
But, as promised, here is a sense of what it sounds like (again names have been changed to protect the guilty, and the dialogue is taken from a hidden video). Heidi is married to Jack. They have three kids, a daughter, Breanna (9), another daughter, Tia (6) and Pete (3).
Warning: if you are a survivor, the following conversation may trigger you. Please take precautions.
Jack: (comes home from work): How come the house is a mess? Did you sit around all day or is there a good excuse as to why it looks like this? Notice he is ready to attack right away unless he's given an excuse that is up to his standard.
Heidi: I'll clean it up. Some of the neighbor kids came over and they were having a good time, and they threw things around a little.
Jack: And you didn't think to clean it up before I came home?
Heidi: I lost track of the time. Sorry about that.
Jack: What about the cleaners? Did you pick up my coats at the cleaners?
Heidi: Oh, my God, I forgot! The kids were --
Jack: (interrupting) What?! You didn't think to pick up my coats? I rely on those for work! When I tell you that they are ready to pick up, why in the hell can't you pick them up, god@%mit! I swear you are getting worse and worse! It's like no one exists --
Heidi: (interrupting) Jack these are our kids! Listen, I'm sorry I didn't pick them up! I'll pick them up first thing in the morning. You still have a bunch in the closet.
Jack: (getting louder) I need those coats! God@%mit, Heidi! What don't you get about my needing them for work! I work all day to keep everyone here fed, with a roof over their head and the kids in clothes, and you can't give me a second of your thoughts enough to pick up my coats! Notice the guilt trip here.
Heidi: Listen, Jack, I'm really, really sorry. I'd go down to the cleaners now except they are closed for the day. I don't know what else to say.
Jack: (mocking) You don't know what else to say. Ppppptttt!
Heidi: Please don't, Jack. The kids.
Jack: (shouting again) You make it sound like I'm a monster for the kids! Isn't that it? These are my kids too! You like to act like they are ALL your kids. Screw you! Like I'll corrupt them and make them into monsters because I'm upset with the god@%m coats! F#!k this, I'm getting a drink!" Notice the perspecticide here: he's making up what Heidi is thinking to both demonize her and guilt-trip her into getting her to never forget what he has asked her to do.Narcissists count on people doing what they tell them to do, and when they are disappointed they are usually infuriated.
Jack: (Jack goes into the kitchen to get a drink) "God@%m it, even the sink has dishes in it! Why do I always have to come home to this ja&%ass sh!t!"
Heidi: I got you some beer when I was out in case you wanted it. It's on the bottom shelf.
Jack: (comes back out to the livingroom without giving Heidi eye contact) Right now I just want some peace and quiet. Clean up these toys, will ya, so I don't have to look at them?
Pete comes in the room.
Pete: Hi Daddy! Look what I made!" Holds up a drawing of scribbles.
Jack: I betcha your Mom taught you how to do that. That's about where her artistic talent is at. Notice how he is putting his wife down in front of their children. Pete: Is Mom a good draw-er?
Jack: No, that's my point.
Pete: What about me?
Jack: I'd say you draw like your mother (flicks his middle finger at the drawing)
Pete: I'm going to draw another one. (sits down with some crayons and when he's done, shows it to Jack). How about now? I made a bear like the one you liked, Daddy. Is this how you draw?
Jack: Better. Better than your Mom can draw.
Heidi: Why do you have to put me down over a drawing? Why can't you just say that Pete's drawing is better, without comparing it to the way I draw? I feel like I can't do anything right any more.
Jack: That's because you can't!
Pete: (sounding distressed) Don't yell at Mommy! I promise to do another drawing that is better than this. Daddy? I promise. I promise. Daddy?
Jack: Listen, Pete. You're doing fine. The drawing is fine. Can I talk to your mother right now? Can you go up to your room?
Pete: Maybe I should draw like Mommy AND Daddy. Mommy and Daddy. Mommy and Daddy. (Pete runs off with his paper and crayons)
Jack: If you dare to talk to me like that in front of Pete again, I'm warning you! Notice how Jack is escalating it. He's also flipping the tale, so that Heidi seems like the perpetrator and the trouble-maker and not himself. Heidi: (stays quiet, and then whispers) Warning me about what?
Jack: (shouting) What do you think? You are trying to prejudice my boy against me! That's what I mean! I'm working all day long, and the one time I get to see my boy you are saying that I treat you bad! He's all worked up about it, and you made him worry needlessly! Just wake up already! Who put this T.V. in front of us? Who paid for the couch we are sitting on? Who paid for the car in the garage that your ass sits on? And by the way, your ass is getting too fat. You need to take off some pounds. Notice the projection here. He is calling Pete his boy, but he accused his wife earlier of thinking they were just her children. Heidi: It's interesting that you say "my boy" right after you have accused me of thinking they are all my kids. Well, they aren't all mine. But growing up in a peaceful environment where they can be all that they can be without the shouting and swearing is my big concern. These children have feelings, and you are always brushing that aside.
Jack: (rolls his eyes) You make me sick. Translation: "I'm not going to look at that" thrown in with an insult. He's saying that he doesn't want to be concerned over other people's feelings, even as he expects her to care about his feelings. The insult, I believe, is also a distraction away from thinking about other people's feelings, so that he and Heidi can talk about the insult instead of the children's feelings. Heidi: God, I'm sorry I make you sick. mocking: That's a nice thing to say to your wife.
Jack: Just look at you! You get more spacey and self centered by the day. You are turning into a fat cow too. You aren't who I thought I married. You had all of this energy, and self assured-ness, and now you're just defending your spacey-ness and your god@$m self-righteousness. mocking: "Oh, I care so much about the kids!" Bullshit! You are the one who is not tuned into their feelings! You're making me sick with your accusations!
Heidi: Wait, wait, wait. What did I accuse you of?
Jack: I'm not going to sit here and dredge up every part of this stupid conversation! We've been through it a million times! Notice the exaggeration. Heidi: No, I really don't know what I did to offend --
Jack: (looking arrogant with his head up, avoiding eye contact with Heidi) You always offend. Every day, Heidi. Every single f#cking day. Over and over and over and over. I'm just sick to death of your bu//sh$t.
Heidi: I still don't understand.
Jack: That's you. You don't understand. You. Don't. Understand. Notice the repeat here, as though he is talking to a child who can't hear. (takes a swig of his drink and says quietly) F#ck you for trying to turn Pete against me. Just f#ck you.
The next video is days later (and it is in the middle of Jack's tirade - he is in the garage past the doorway and she is in the kitchen. He appears to be handling some tools):
Jack: F#ck you, Heidi! F#ck you!
Heidi: Now what did I do? What is this about?
Jack: You know what this is f#cking about!
Heidi: I really don't know what I've done to upset you other than that you didn't like the lunch.
Jack: You know I like meat! But you never think about what I like!
Heidi: I do. I just didn't have any more left. Breanna got in the fridge this morning and ate your meat. She's 9 years old. Please stop this!
Jack: You should take control of this situation and enforce it! Why do I have to eat left over pasta and salad on the days I'm home from work? Why isn't there enough meat in the refrigerator?
Heidi: I'll try to make sure there's enough next weekend. I thought I purchased enough, and Breanna simply did not know she was eating the last slice. Can we drop this now?
Jack: No, we can't drop this now! Who made you queen of the conversation? I've had enough, Heidi! There's always some excuse! It's either the kids' fault, or you have an excuse as to why the kids did or didn't do something, or you didn't think about me, your own husband who keeps this all going around here! You're too damned spacey to take care of things! What the hell is wrong with you? It's like you don't have a brain any more! Note: PTSD can make you spacey and forgetful. If severe, it can make you blank out when people are shouting or demanding in a forceful way. The way he is treating her is not going to make her less spacey; it is going to make her more spacey. Also note how he is inserting blame into the situation, that it is Heidi's responsibility for being thoughtless about him (all the while he is thoughtless about her by throwing her insults and deeming himself to be an authority on her weight, and on her capabilities of being a wife and mother to their children). Heidi: One thing I don't get is why is it my responsibility to keep the kids from eating meat. Why don't you tell them?
Jack: Don't give me that! Don't you dare shift your incompetence on to me! You're in charge of the grocery shopping. I put you in charge and you're not doing a good job. If you were my worker, I'd fire you!
Heidi: That's screwed up! Looking at me as your worker.
Jack: Oh, yea? Well maybe I just won't fucking work for you any more either! What if I just refused to bring in money to this house? What if I just refused to contribute any more grocery money?
Heidi: Even if you divorced me, you'd still be responsible for feeding the kids.
Jack: Divorce, huh? We'll see who is going to get a divorce! (throws a wrench at her)
Heidi: (looking at where the wrench hit her: in the leg ... she is silent while she looks herself over, then she starts crying) Now you're throwing tools at me?? (dumbfounded) Really? You want me to care about your meat, but obviously you don't care if you cause me bodily harm? Physical abuse should always be a sign of danger. That is because, like all forms of abuse, physical violence escalates. Husbands who do not show enough respect to keep that part of their anger in check, will not necessarily respect a life. He has already devalued her ("You're too fat", "I'd fire you if you were my worker"). After devaluation comes a discard or escalation. She is especially in danger if he puts his hands around her throat, or tries to choke her. See this post.
Jack: You're making a big deal out of nothing! It's just a little scratch! Minimizing is very typical of abusers.
Heidi(walks away).
There are more videos, but this gives you a sense of how blaming is used, and how it escalates to blaming 100 percent. Heidi, in this case, is blamed for everything that goes wrong between herself and Jack. He is in the dominant position, and she is in the submissive position. By the way, a marriage should not have, nor does it need, roles where there is a dominator and someone who takes orders.
If this situation continues, their mutual children can also be blaming Heidi for any relationship issues between them as well. Children will learn this to keep on their father's good side.
Heidi is getting a divorce the last time I heard. Her husband is fighting for sole custody of the children. The videos of him throwing things at her were useful in assessing the breakdown of the marriage, as well as how safe she is, and how well he deals with conflict.
IN CONCLUSION
Narcissists make it known that they have to have their way, and that you have to agree with their perspectives at all times. They also make it known that if you complain or have excuses (which they deem as overlooking them), then they will escalate it so that you do think about them at all times. They escalate it so that you will think about them first (via fear and anxiety: "fear, obligation, guilt" is the term domestic violence counselors use). They also become more and more demanding in a relationship, especially if there are finances involved or something they want (like controlling the actions and words of everyone in the family).
By making you responsible for what goes right and wrong, it sets you up in a situation where you are blamed when things go wrong. The constant blaming and criticizing are their way of trying to get you motivated, and of grooming you to take orders from them. It is also their way of breaking your self esteem, and of breaking your free spirit, much the way someone "breaks a horse". If they feel they can groom you to take orders, they will invariably feel that they can groom you to take the blame when their orders aren't met or seriously considered by you. The grandmother's order is that Stephanie let her mother take control of the grandchildren, and to let Alan discipline them harshly (from the first example). Jack's order (from the second example) is that Heidi become sensitive to her husband's needs and wants at all times, and to agree to let him be an authority figure over her.
If you are not agreeable to letting a parent be an authority figure (and in his or her mind he/she feels entitled to be the authority), the result is often a parent-child estrangement.
If you are not agreeable to letting a spouse or partner be an authority figure (and in his or her mind he/she feels entitled to be the authority), often the result is a divorce or permanent separation.
If you are met with these kinds of situations, you have a choice, and although it often is a choice that does not give you justice (because of present laws and attitudes about abuse, which in the UK are better than the USA), it allows you be free of abuse. "Cut your losses", and "give up on a fairy tale ending" are often the phrases used.
Some of these situations become so horrific, and often you can't tell how far your abuser will go, which is why "cutting your losses" can be the best bet. Abusers often escalate abuse when you are going through the worst period in your life, when you've been diagnosed with a terminal illness, when your "other" parent dies or when your child dies.
If they can hurt you in all of these ways, what more are they capable of? That should always be the question you carry around with you: "What more are they capable of?" It should always trump what ever feelings of love or compassion you have for them. Most abusers destroy their victims if their victims allow themselves to be controlled, interrogated, insulted, told what their feelings and thoughts are, talked down to, given the silent treatment, and all of the other things abusers do (found in the right column of this page).
In reading the story of Stacey Castor, who killed both of her husbands and then tried to kill and frame her daughter for the murders, one can sense narcissistic qualities in her. She is described as a psychopath, but psychopaths use all of the same tactics as narcissists, but they kill people to extort what they want, in this case it was life insurance and the estate.
In Stacey Castor's case, her first husband was allegedly having an affair and argued extensively with Castor. Castor was also allegedly having an affair. What infuriates narcissists the most? Being argued with and someone having an affair on them (even when they are having an affair themselves).
Her second husband also argued with her. Rather than risk losing him, whereby she would also lose his estate, she decided, apparently, to kill him.
If you look at this case, it is evident that there is rampant favoritism in this family, another big sign of a toxic family.
When the police closed in on the case, Castor didn't want to be blamed (because narcissists will invariably choose someone else to be blamed other than themselves). She chose her daughter to be framed for the murders instead, because narcissists have no empathy, and they blame-shift, even when it comes to their own offspring (look at forums for adult children who have been abused or ostracized by their own parents; it is very obvious that these kinds of parents frame their own children for all kinds of things).
It is remarkable that Castor chose her golden child to be framed, but the reason she did probably had more to do with her golden being the most convenient one to use, the one whose story might be most believable to prosecutors and police.
Do I think that any narcissist can go in this direction?
That is a hard question to answer. Castor's daughter didn't know her mother was capable of it, for instance. My own belief is that if they are displaying a number of these signs, yes:
1. they are framing you to be 100 percent at fault or they are scapegoating you
2. if they have treated you horrendously during a traumatic point in your life
3. if they show they blame-shift for just about everything, and will take no accountability (that's the main one)
4. they insist that you apologize to people who have egregiously abused you
5. they have very little concern for your feelings and welfare when you say you have been hurt by them
6. they try to exert a lot of power and control over you, and they interrogate you and intimidate you for information
7. you are an adult and they tell you that they will punish you
8. threats to hurt you or others
9. they have made you the fall guy or the scapegoat for wrongs committed by themselves or others
10. you are adequately concerned enough to call the police on them (or you have been told by a domestic violence counselor to call the police on them) and they call the police on you in retaliation to make you look like the aggressor instead.
Remember, when dealing with abusers, always ask yourself, "If they are capable of doing this to me, what else are they capable of?" Force yourself to think it every time you think you might be missing them, or if you think you might like to be in a relationship with them again.
For victims of child abuse, I suggest you do the same, though I understand it is harder to do. In fact, if you are a victim of child abuse, you will know how egregious they are after they have abused you or discarded you.
A normal parent will grieve A LOT over the loss of his or her offspring, even if it is an estrangement. He or she will grieve for years, be distracted, unable to focus, feel sad, often withdraw from society, try to get some perspectives and advice on what went wrong and how to end the estrangement.
However, if they are taking up a lot of time right afterward going on exotic vacations, running smear campaignsagainst you which put all of the blame on your shoulders, spoiling their golden child, that is a major sign of a narcissist at the very least, or a sociopath, or psychopath at the very most. Do you want to hang around with them to see which ones they are? Again the warning: sociopaths and psychopaths have the same traits as narcissists, but they often plan ways to extort, manipulate and hurt others, often in silence, without anyone knowing. You won't know if they have plans for you until you are in the thick of it with them. That is why, when so many domestic violence counselors see or hear of the signs that point to them being a narcissist or sociopath, they tell their clients to get free, to get themselves out of the relationship. The escalation of abuse, and not knowing how far your abuser is planning to go, is not worth the risk. If, in addition to all of the signs of the narcissist, they blame you and frame you for things you did not do to make themselves look better, they have already taken that step into the realm of the sociopath and psychopath.
NPD manifests as anger triggered by feelings of social rejection and tendencies to derogate those who give negative feedback. Persons with NPD often feel hampered in pursuing goals and blame others for being inept, incompetent, or hostile.
The Blame Game and A Daughter’s Trust in Herself - by Peg Streep, for Psych Central, and author of "Daughter Detox: Recovering From An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life" and "Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt"
