Peep's Article on Adult Children and the "No Contact" Trend With Parents in the USA. Is Narcissism Really Behind It?

To reference what I'm talking about in this post, I am responding to Peep's article on the "No Contact" issue sweeping the nation that she discusses through this link. She has also written and illustrated a book about why she went "no contact" with her own parent and most of her family and you can buy her book through this link to find out why (the book includes cartoons which helps to lighten a dark subject a bit, kind of the way comedians do it). 

However, this does not mean that she feels that all adult children should go "no contact". Far from it ...

Anyway, her article talks about the subject of "no contact". Apparently parents who have had children go "no contact" on them are in an uproar. "No contact" (estrangement from the parent) is having its "backlash moment" where many parents on social media are banding together to complain about how they are being treated and either shaming the act of "no contact" or shaming their children or retaliating against their children because of it. 

However, Some of them blame therapists instead.

Many of these parents feel they have been really good parents and that therapists are mistaken in suggesting or supporting "no contact" as an answer to their child's distress. 

And some of them are taunting their children too: "Just you wait and see! I'm going to have a perfectly peaceful happy life without you! In fact, I'm going to forget you ever existed! My life is mine going forward and you are never going disrupt it with your complaining and issues ever again!" 

I have no problem with parents "finding a way to be happy without their children", but the taunt will never build a bridge should you ever want them back, or to teach them about good "bridge building" or "what reconciliation looks like". Maybe you don't want them back ever again, and that's your choice, but make sure it is a choice that you can live with for the rest of your life as taunting is very unlikely to change the trajectory of "no contact" that your child has initiated. 

I also acknowledge the pain that many of you are going through. I have friends who are going through this too (being ghosted by a child) and some of the reasons for it do seem flimsy compared to children who really do have narcissistic or psychopathic parents and have never been treated in a fair, on-going kind, non-painful or equal way. In other words, narcissistic and psychopathic parents enjoy hurting at least one child and using their power to get what they want out of their children (they are also very controlling kinds of parents with little to no empathy ... although narcissists tend to regret hurting their children over time; psychopathic parents never have any regrets hurting anyone, including their own child). And that's how you tell the difference between the children who "go no contact" over real trauma and damage to their health than children who "go no contact" for other reasons. 

Parental taunting of your own children or any child is a narcissistic trait, and its another reason why you may not want to use it (it may be used as proof for your child), even if you feel angry and want to lash out. So is retaliatory behavior. It can peg you as a narcissist and give a child proof. Retaliatory behavior against a child is also illegal if they are still a child under the age of 18, and considered to be under the umbrella of instigating more conflict and can escalate to "coercive control" (another link) which is increasingly becoming illegal in the United States and is already illegal in most European countries. 

Taunting and retaliation are not likely to give you peace of mind or to make the pain of separation go away anyway. Neither is the attitude that you are an exceptional parent. Shaming will not work either and often reinforces their desire to stay away. All of these tactics are ineffectual to reconciliation. 

These are my major gripes with this movement to make children feel accountable and guilty for going "no contact". It just puts both child and parent on their own insular islands, afraid of reconciliation, and of one another, rather than opening up a dialogue to mend fences.

I'm not diminishing the pain this is causing a lot of you, especially if you really are not narcissistic and care about the welfare of your child and never thought they'd follow a trend just to manipulate you into a kind of relationship they want to have, whether that is to control discussions, to silence your perspectives and feelings, or to endlessly hammer you with their grievances. 

However, I have an open mind and tend to look at situations from both sides - the negatives and positives, the good and bad, the children who are going "no contact" and the parents who are hurt by the trend. 

So here is what I think ... 

Is there a demand behind "no contact"? 

In my opinion, for a lot of Gen Z and Millennials there is. I'll get to it later in the post. 

Is it reasonable that 16 - 25 percent of all of America's population is "no contact" with at least one family member  and that 30 percent of Gen Zers are estranged from at least one parent? 

Probably not. However, it is the reality of the present situation. I think it is important to deal with realities instead of depressive thinking or hopeful thinking.

But what's the best way to deal with it?

When I look at Peep's blog post on this, and the responses of parents going through this, it becomes obvious that it's not going to get better by parents retaliatating against their child (because it is a generational shift after all) and going "no contact" themselves with their children, or indulging in all of the tit-for-tat I'm seeing, is copying what these adult children are doing. It would be hypocritical, right?

It's not going to get better through narcissistic tactics either (even if it is just one of the tactics) - the reality of the situation is that scientifically narcissistic tactics have been shown not to work at ending "no contact". They have very tentative troubling short term success at best, with the final outcome being "a type of destruction" of the child and a "destruction of the relationship with the child". 

And to use narcissistic styles in relationships or tit-for-tat reasons, is teaching both other parents and future children that "no contact" is normal - as normalized as divorce, as normalized as finding a new job, as normalized as hiring and firing workers, and that anyone has a right and privilege to divorce any person at any time, no matter the destruction it causes. 

It's also a fact that estrangement in families is increasing, not decreasing.

I feel it is important to deal with these facts. The facts aren't going to go away by themselves or from the drumming of constant complaints from children or from estranged parents. 

Who wants children if they are just going to divorce you, right? And who wants parents if they invalidate, don't listen, are so far from understanding a child's personality, thoughts, experiences, feelings and childhood and adult needs, that parents are treating children like their workers who they can fire at any time? What child would want a life like that, right?

Expect a low birth rate, right? Expect every old person for an entire century to be part of a boomer generation that young Americans are paying taxes to keep alive, right? 

Does this have a good ending? Can it have a good ending?  

So what can you do? 

I really think that understanding all of the issues surrounding this trend is paramount. Without understanding the issues, it's like playing baseball in the dark of the night. You are going to miss the ball and never get off the home plate, so the trend is likely to continue and to deepen, not to resolve. 

According to the younger generations, many have gone no contact over perceived toxic family dynamics and narcissistic traits in their parents (I suggest reading through the Google AI version and then going to the articles on this). I also cover the major points of both articles towards the end of this post.

Okay, so what is the demand behind the "no contact"? 

Not using narcissistic tactics is definitely one of them. If you are inclined to use narcissistic tactics to solve a "no contact" situation, it will just cement the opinion that you are a narcissist. So that obviously can't work in ending "no contact".

If you are using any of the narcissistic tactics and a therapist catches it in a session, the therapist is likely to tell your child that narcissists don't change, so the "no contact" may continue over a lifetime over "that fact".

As far as going "no contact" over toxic family issues, it's complicated, and often "the choice of last resort". But there are reasons why Gen Z is going this way: many of them "just can't take added stress any more", at least where they are at this particular time, with many trying to find good paying jobs, some of them trying to pay off student loans with higher interest rates than their parents had to endure, trying to find adequate living quarters, trying to find a mate, trying to avoid the uptick of viruses since the pandemic hit, and all of the challenges that young adults are facing in today's world. 

With 30 percent of the Gen Z and Millennials going "no contact", you aren't going to be able to shame, blame, continually criticize them, go tit-for-tat, or hurt your child out of "no contact" because these are also well known narcissistic tactics and traits. If you are not a narcissist you can stop at least most of these tactics that the "real narcissists" use. And if you're not a narcissist, it will be easy to transition out of these types of responses and behaviors.

As for the real narcissists, it won't be easy at all, or desirable to them, to transition out of these  behaviors (it's a serious highly resistant-to-change personality disorder, a disability because they don't feel empathy or understand the perspectives of others, and a brain matter), and they will play the victim for years, decades and a lifetime about "how badly they were mistreated" without ever considering their own contributions to how the estrangement with their child happened. They will not understand others much, if at all. Some of them can recognize the feelings of others cognitively, but even that tends to be limited.  

Anyway, understanding narcissistic tactics will hopefully keep you from using the tactics and hopefully help in solving some of the gap that is between you and your child. 

You can read this blog as to what the narcissistic traits and tactics are, or go to other writers on the topic. 

For the rest of the blog I have two sections, one for parents and one for children who are thinking of going "no contact" with a parent. 

FOR PARENTS

One key ingredient is not to make a child always accountable and responsible for reconciliation: If children have always tried to reconcile and cave under pressure to "get along with the parent" it is likely to stop at some point - it's a bad habit that often leads to trauma and a trauma bond. 

A trauma bond is exceptionally unhealthy for anyone, especially children. And it does lead to "no contact" after awhile, especially when a child reaches adulthood. 

Narcissists always try to make their child accountable for a rift or disagreement between them and their child. You may not want to do what narcissists do in this regard. Also, narcissists are known for trauma bonds with their children - you may not want to go down this road either to avoid estrangement. 

If you want to tell a child that you are enjoying life without him or her, that sends a myriad of messages you may not want to send if what you actually want is reconciliation. One of the messages that you send when you say that you are enjoying life without them is that "parent and child estrangements are acceptable, joyful and normal, and I'm enjoying the estrangement." - probably not a good idea if you want a healthy bond. 
     If life is truly better without him or her in your world, make sure you want to send this message - it will be taken as rejection by almost all children, even adult children and will cause trauma.
     If it causes a trauma bond, most therapists encourage patients to break trauma bonds so that they can live without trauma - this is also good to realize.  
     Children who are rejected in this way can struggle with panic ("Should I go back to my parent?") for a little while, maybe, but for the most part, they will not want to go back. If you understand what rejection feels like, you would not want to go back either. 
 
Remember, you were their "first teacher" and they still listen, and more importantly see what you mean by your actions. 

In order to keep a child in your life, avoid these other kinds of actions that narcissistic parents are know for too:

* Don't play games with rejection. Don't do fake discards. Here is another link to a discussion on fake discards. If you're going to reject them, mean it, i.e. don't turn it into a manipulation or punishment over unfavorable behavior from them - only do it because you really don't ever want to see them or be in a relationship with them again for the rest of your life.
     For an underage child, bring them to your local hospital and tell the social workers there that you no longer want your child and that you are dropping him or her off to be parented by someone else.
     If your child is an adult, tell them that you no longer want to talk to them or be in their presence again, and mean it. 
     If you do fake discards it will most likely turn into an estrangement anyway because discards, even fake ones, are traumatizing and deeply unsettling to any child, even an adult child. They will no longer trust you as a teacher or that you will put their well being and safety as a priority.
     Don't reject them and then turn around to give them positive reinforcement once they are doing what you want. This does not work with adult children. This includes silencing your adult child, giving them the silent treatment, telling them that they are "useless", periods of real rejections followed by honeymoons, micro-rejections and neglect. The cycle of abuse that narcissists use is about rejections with honeymoon periods (positive reinforcements after rejection) and a dangerous game of manipulation that narcissists are known for. Rejections to play head games to hurt a child (punish them without regret or remorse) is more of an Antisocial Personality Disorder trait (note narcissists can have both Narcssistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder resulting in malignant narcissism). 
     If you don't use discards or rejection and you feel confident that you will never use them when angry, you are way ahead of narcissists and psychopaths who use this tactic religiously and destructively.
     Children are not going to look to parents who use discards, fake discards, rejections, silent treatments to get parental approval. While it may work for awhile, especially when they are very young, it won't last and even underage children are more likely to "be more and more independent minded", and not want to be influenced by you, which can mean eventual "no contact". 
     Also make sure you are not using rejection as a retaliatory measure against your child when they go  "no contact" as it just reinforces that "no contact" is good for interpersonal problems. If you are angry or heartbroken over "no contact", or don't believe "no contact" is good for relationships, don't retaliate with a "no contact" response. 

* Don't "toot your own horn" or act arrogant if you want reconciliation. Arrogance is also a narcissistic trait and what it shows is "I am right and you are wrong, and as long as I think I'm the best parent in the world, nothing will change between us. It's all your fault and it's your burden to make up with me." - it doesn't work. 

* Constant shaming and criticizing doesn't work in terms of reconciliation and is also a narcissistic trait. It also can teach a child that constant shaming and criticizing is normal and okay to practice - even when it comes to shaming and criticizing you. It is also one of the four horseman of the apocolypse (relationships that don't last). If you want tolerance for yourself, practice tolerance towards others. 

* Don't put your children in contests with each other for your love and approval. It doesn't work, and it is also a narcissistic trait. Again, what does that teach them? To put you on notice when they are an adult that you have to work hard for their approval and care too? 
     It tends to teach lessons about empathy too. "I don't have to have empathy for you when I disapprove of you!" - that sends a bad message. 
     If one child is always getting the approval and another child isn't - that is a sign of scapegoating which is also a narcissistic trait. After awhile the child who does not get approval gets used to it, stops trying, doesn't seek it and gets the message that they are "odd man out" and that they have to seek a life of independence, which can mean "independent from you". This happens on a "brain level" in a young child, by the way, especially if the child experiences scapegoating at an early age, which most scapegoats do - usually by age 4 and lasting a lifetime. This "brain change" cannot be changed back into caring what your opinions of them are.
     Some of this will be discussed more in another post about why scapegoats will never be, and can never be sycophants or approval seekers - at least without faking it (some scapegoats fake it so that they aren't rejected, since most of them know that their parent wants admiration so badly, even if they do not really care if their parent admires them or not). 
     If you can tolerate a child who is not an approval-seeker, then you can probably reconcile, but if you can't, the "no contact" is much more likely to never end. 
     Narcissists are approval seekers (they seek approval from external sources - called narcissistic supply - an opposite of what scapegoats usually seek), and they can never give up narcissistic supply seeking, and are therefore not good candidates for reconciliation from children they have hurt, or scapegoated.
     If you aren't a narcissist and can give up on "looking superior" (which also won't work with non-approval seekers) and you can share the power equally with your child, then you are closer to reconciliation than any narcissist will ever be.
     Some of the other traits that defines reasons for narcissistic supply includes arrogance, needing validation they are superior to others, needing constant admiration, needing on-going good and bad attention, and needing constant flattery even when exploiting or threatening others.
     It should all be left behind in favor of what is really happening moment to moment and hearing clearly what is really going on. If you can watch a heartbreaking movie and cry because you are identifying with the character, you can listen to your own child in the same way. 
     In fact, giving up narcissistic supply needs is preferable, and if you are not a narcissist, it should come easy. If you are a narcissist, you won't even want to read this suggestion. To real narcissists, others should want accolades, approval, attention at all times, constant validations and admiration just like they crave. It seems unfathomable to any narcissist that narcissistic supply isn't necessary to function. 
     But if narcissistic supply needs are such a necessity, why are so many narcissists estranged from children, divorced from spouse(s), estranged or disliked by siblings, fired so often from jobs? And most of them are. I can't see that narcissistic supply is a route to a happy life. And neither do most children who see all of this.
     The narcissistic supply they give and get is very, very temporary, and can be downright annoying (as annoying as narcissists in the public eye - as well as exhausting and irritating in terms of their latest schemes to supply themselves with more of it).
     Leaving behind a need for any kind or source of narcissistic supply for the rest of us I would think would be very free-ing as well as "dealing with the reality of situations instead of being hopeful or rejecting of situations." Perhaps feelings of "never-enoughness" go away too. 
     You're also able to approach difficult emotional situations with humility, and the desire for deep understanding and knowledge (as again, it's about dealing with realities, not beliefs, not hopes, not dreams, not disappointments, not boredom). You are enjoying a type of intimacy rather than "future illusions" of what can and can't be. And most of all, you aren't putting a child in a role or expecting something from them - you are letting reality be what it is. 
     It puts you in a much better position for reconciliation among equals - which is really what Millennials and Gen Z tend to demand from their relationships in general, from both parents and peers. 
     You would be way ahead of narcissistic parents if narcissistic supply is not on your mind and agenda when thinking about reconciliation with a child. 

Other things to avoid that look and sound narcissistic:

* Don't gaslight your kids, call them crazy, or spread smear campaigns about them in order to get support from others. This is true especially in trying to force a child to give up "no contact". It won't won't work and it is likely to widen the rift. 

* Don't call your kids stupid or inept, or insinuate it. Again, it's a sign of contempt and contempt is a sure predictor of a relationship that will fail. 

* Don't assume you know what your child is feeling, thinking and experiencing. If you stick to opinions on this, it can mean you will be wrong about half the time at least. It's not good to be wrong that much. It will mean your child won't have respect for your opinions. Going "no contact" over parental perpecticide is often one of the top reasons for "no contact" among adult children in today's "estrangement revolution" in the USA.
     Perspecticide is an excuse for not listening, not understanding, not engaing, and it is destructive. Children can use it on you too when they get to the point that it is no longer worth it to explain themselves "to deaf ears".
     When perspecticide is used a lot by a parent, it doesn't seem like a "real relationship" to a child. It becomes an anxiety ridden painful endurance test instead. 
     Another reason not to use it: narcissists use it in spades. They are exceptionally tethered to unchanging beliefs, a severe form of confirmation bias, instead of exploring the realities of what their child is experiencing. 
     That just doesn't work for any child - there is, in essence, a turning away by both parent and child over constant misunderstandings. In order to avoid "no contact", confirmation bias should not be used or taught to children either verbally or through one's own actions.
     Openness to perspectives should be the guiding light.

* Don't play financial games and favoritism games with children. This is also a narcissistic trait you may want to avoid.
     You are not their boss and they are not your subordinate worker.
     If your children go insubordinate on you, what message does this send? "You're fired?" - the sign of rejection? 
     What happens to bosses who are cruel, or humiliate, and fire their workers? Either the worker makes promises and buckles down for awhile, or they look for another job while working for you or they quit on their own terms, or they get another job right away. 
     Is this what you really want a relationship with your child to be like? 
     And what message does it send? That it's okay to treat family members as workers? And what if other family members, or neighbors, or other authoritarians want your child to work for them too? It opens the door to exploitation, which opens yet another door to trauma. 
     It's better to leave work in the workplace where there are rules and regulations with legal protections. 

* Even if you are deeply hurt by the estrangement, I would avoid the very common narcissistic phrase, "ungrateful". I can see how parents who have put a lot of energy, time, money, thought, and consideration into parenting, only to see their child run off and avoid them at all cost. Where is the reciprocality, the acknowledgement that you did good things for them? 
     But I would avoid it because it's a word most narcissistic parents use about at least one of their children. That link categorizes that narcissistic phrase as a guilt-inducing manipulation to get a child compliant. And what's more, most children know why it's being used, and most therapists know that it is used to sidestep the real issues.
     It's also an aggressive form of perspecticide where the parent doesn't have to listen or deal with the real issues, or the difficult ones, that probably led to "no contact".
     Adult children who are dealing with this side-stepping of real issues and are traumatized by it also will not listen to how ungrateful they are. It achieves absolutely nothing of value. At best it achieves nothing except deaf ears from the adult child and from the parent - neither want to hear what the other has to say. 
     Most likely the issues don't have to do with ingratitude anyway. Your child may be perfectly grateful, and in ways you prefer, but he or she may be bullied by a sibling and you never did anything to stop the tajectory of violence, and when they've endured enough, you tell them to apologize to the violent sibling.
     Or your child may feel unnaturally controlled and invalidated by you and feel you are not able to address it (real narcissists aren't able to address it - but if you aren't a narcissist it may be to your benefit to tell your child that you will address it when they are ready to break "no contact").
     Or he or she may have gotten a terrible illness and felt no empathy or concern from you about it. 
     Real narcissistic parents will never get beyond thinking "ingratitude" about their child because narcissists are chronic guilt-inducers who get stuck in it. It's like they sink in it too. They must believe that nothing is their fault and that all problems and issues are someone else's fault, especially a child who has gone "no contact". 
     If you can get beyond getting stuck in an "ingratitude" thinking style and want to meet halfway to solve the relationship issues between you, again, you are way ahead of real narcissists who most often  get stuck for life on this one merry-go-round style of thought and never think beyond it. 

* Do you have a lack of empathy? Do you feel you have to pretend to feel empathetic? The reason I ask is because it is a narcissistic trait. 
     I'm not sure what can be done about it, but it may cause estrangement with people in your life and probably has already - a lot. 
     I'm not sure what the answer is here except to try to understand what people are going through cognitively and imagining yourself in the situations they are going through.
     In fact, imagine yourself going through those same situations over and over again. Do it a lot and often, especially if your child is estranged and you don't want the estrangement to continue. Even partial understanding is a kind of bridge, or a prevention from a widening rift. 
     If you can't do it, or don't want to do it, there is your answer as to how much you'll understand and what kind of knowledge you are going to receive, if any. 
     Children aren't toys, and if you have estranged children, you know they don't want to be toys. 

     
Other reasons for why children go "no contact":

* Disrespect for boundaries. No always means no. You may be accused of being a narcissist because of crashing through boundaries even if that's the only trait of narcissism you have. 
     Why do children set boundaries with their parents? 
     What is stated through that link is that children set boundaries with their parents to "establish autonomy, protect their mental health, and foster mutual respect. These limits, common in adulthood, often arise from a need to manage toxic behaviors, such as overprotecting or controlling, and to navigate differing values or past hurt."
     If they are retreating because they feel the need for more autonomy, or to protect their mental health, because they are hurt from past traumas or abuse (isolating), or they simply want to manage their own lives, or because they have different values and opinions than you do, or because there are shifting priorities and that most their attention needs to go to their spouse and children, crashing through these boundaries is not going to make them loosen boundaries; it is going to make them toughen up the boundaries. It is a sign of disrespect to push against boundaries.
     Respect is a two-way street. The more you sow respect for a child, the more respect they will show you - usually. 
     Since narcissists make it their agenda to crash through as many boundaries as possible even to the point of stealing from their children for malignant narcissists, it's just not a good idea to disrespect boundaries. Reconciling over broken boundaries becomes impossible when too many boundaries are broken. 

* Lifestyle reasons. They feel you will reject them over a lifestyle, and they really identify with people in that lifestyle. 

* Moving: if they move far away, you aren't going to be the center of their world. Again, this is a fact, rather than something to try to change. Pressure to live closer can create more distance. 

* Broken promises.

* Political reasons. A lot of people in America are experiencing estrangements over politics. That link points to 1 in 5 Americans reporting being estranged from a family member due to politics. Political perspectives at the moment are becoming very divisive. Politicians are also promoting, going along with, or enabling the divisiveness. Realize that constantly contrasting themselves to other politicians is a "get the vote tactic" and does not need to be in your livingroom, diningroom, or any room. 
     But it is being recreated in livingrooms now. Many liberals and people of color feel punished and distrustful, and most conservatives feel elated and empowered (that may be waning a bit at the present time).
     Does a personal relationship need to be like what politicians do to each other?
     While I think, generally, that silencing family members is not a good idea, perhaps tolerance is. No one has your personality and brain and because of that there are always going to be differences between people when it comes to politics. Some families have reached the consesus that politics should not be discussed in the home so that relationships between them aren't infected by it. 
     Politics may be the main reason there are family rifts. 1 in 5 is 20% as a reason for being estranged from a family member. It is close to the 30% of Gen Z going "no contact" with a parent. So who knows. It isn't clear whether politics figures into one of the reason for going "no contact", but it may actually be a bigger reason than other reasons, including narcissists in the family, or maybe some families with deep devotion or deep disgust are narcissistic enough that they cannot tolerate a child of a different political persuasion in their midst. 

Sometimes chidren can be the ones who are narcissistic.
It's common for narcissistic children to name their parents as narcissists since projection is part of the narcissist's game. 
     Narcissists will also discard their parents when they are no longer useful to them. 
     Narcissistic children will also put parents through honeymoon and rejection cycles just like any narcissist will do. 
     Here are the more common ways that children adopt narcissistic traits:

* Growing up with shaming is at the head of "how" they become narcissists. It doesn't mean that this particular child is shamed. It can, and most often means, they are listening to shaming statements of other people, or siblings, or from one of their parents, or other children. If there is a scapegoat child in the midst of the family, there is likely to be a profusion of shaming going on. If parents have prejudices and put other people down, it adds to it. 
     Hearing adults shame others is likely to picked up by a child. If they see that an adult gets what he wants out of shaming, or raging, they will think that's a good way to get what they want too. And then the empathy for others goes away, and eventually that adult child puts their focus on what they can get out of shaming. 
     If they see an adult shaming someone by discarding someone else, and then the other person comes back pleading, they may think that "no contact" will have those same results: that people will come back pleading and they will get everything they want. After awhile discarding becomes a bad habit, and they use it on their parent too. 
     It is one reason why discards and shaming should not be used in family relationships - these are the number one ways that children become unempathetic narcissists who discard others when they aren't getting what they want. They will discard their parents, siblings and children if they feel they are not getting enough narcissistic supply. With parents it can mean "not getting enough money", "not getting enough flattery","not getting enough privileges", "not coming first" (narcissists believe they are superior to others), "not getting something they expected".
     Children most often become narcissistic from contact with narcissistic adults. It can sometimes be a much older brother or sister, or a close friend with narcissistic qualities, but usually it's parents, and secondarily, grandparents, uncles, aunts, or a much older sibling
     Narcissistic adults who are shaming others in the ear shot of children, can't deal with shame themselves without becoming highly dysregulated emotionally, even lashing out at their children, but dish it out in copious ways. If they are dishing out constant shaming to a child, children aren't capaple of dealing with it, and either become deaf and independent to it, or freeze and dissociate when they hear it, or learn to fawn and shapeshift into different "admirable", "acceped" or scheming personality styles to deal with it all - and it is the fawners and shapesifters who are the most likely to become future narcissists.
     There is a lot more to this subject, but those are "the basics".   
     This can create entitlement and feelings of being special, spared, loved exclusively, getting loyalty and the bulk of family resources, and arrogance. Empathy in this case, is not being encouraged in this child, or by this child. When someone else, especially another child, is being shamed aggessively and constantly, and the narcissist-to-be is not receiving the same treatment, it often means a child who is being molded into a budding narcissist with the false sense that they are better and superior in comparison to shamed children. 
     Comparing themselves to others is very much a part of a narcissist's inner world, and it becomes part of the budding narcissist's world too.
     Even if the narcissism is detected before the child becomes an adult, it is often too late to turn these traits around. Children learn empathy early on, and if they are never encouraged to have empathy, and to compete instead, they probably never will have empathy. If they don't have empathy as a young child, or it disappears during childhood, it's pretty much a given that they will never have it.
     This narcissism eventually can be turned on the parents as "no contact" or a discard that is hard to understand. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and expert on narcissism, has made the statement that shaming has no place in a child's life or in child rearing. 
     Instead of shaming, understand what children are feeling and why, soothe and de-escalate, teach siblings co-operation and empathy as they play together - it is a much better way to avoid having a narcissistic child. 
     Some other things that create a budding narcissist:
* Seeing or hearing adults bully children.
* Seeing or hearing adults talk haughtily about the exploitation of others. 
* Seeing or hearing adults be elated and celebratory when they hurt other people
* Seeing or hearing another child receiving gaslighting from an adult (the budding narcissistic child learns to manipulate others when they observe gaslighting) 
* Seeing or hearing elation about an adult giving someone the silent treatment and how they got their way when the silence was broken
* Seeing or hearing adults reject/discard their own children
* Seeing or hearing adults who are unethical and reveling in getting away with being unethical
* Seeing or hearing how adults feel after they have gotten a divorce and the destructive arguments around issues of divorce
* Seeing or hearing adults deal with cheating in a marriage (shows children how to get away with things, shows how much empathy is required of people who hurt other people, shows a child what is reasonable for a break-up with another person, shows what fighting fairly and unfairly looks like and what the repurcussions are, and what to adopt)
* Seeing or hearing adults not being empathetic of people who they have hurt
* Latch key kids or neglected children often do not have the ability to self regulate or know what proper behavior is (they are left alone to figure all of this out for themselves, and are even expected to guess their way through it). Children are naturally narcissistic, and they may very well be narcissistic as they deal with their siblings alone in a house. And since they get used to being so alone without adults around, they can live without parents when they become adults too. 
     Children tend to be taught by actions rather than by lectures. However, there can't be hypocrisy in lectures to be effective learning experiences for the child. 
     When narcisistic adult children go "no contact" with a parent, it will often feel like a manipulation rather than a "I can't deal with the pain from being in this relationship."
     The narcissistic child after discarding a parent will often turn to a "high lifestyle of partying", or extreme sports, and often focus on money, building wealth, competing, drinking, drugging, travel, sex, power, control and getting narcissistic supply, and feel superior, on top of the world, bullet proof, and arrogant, whereas the latter "suffering kind of child" who goes "no contact" with a parent because they are in pain, will be dealing with unsolved emotional issues, getting a lot of counseling, will go through a period of cognitive dissonance (and perhaps some pleading before giving up on you), and will be traumatized, depressed, isolating themselves from you or the entire family, and become more withdrawn, introverted and choosy about who they get close to. They become more closed to communication, insulated, and they batten down the hatches, finding refuge in their own home.
     Narcissistic children can be a parent's worst nightmare. A child whose focus is on money, power, exploiting others, partying, a high lifestyle, and narcissistic supply, is not really into taking care of older people or solving relationship problems. "Everything that my parent is going through is their fault" will be the attitude.
     Knowing that you have a narcissistic child without empathy can be a shock to your system and traumatizing. Narcissistic children do their discards and love bombing repeatedly, and get distracted by "better narcissistic supply" often.
     In this case, counseling may be the best option in terms of help in finding the best ways to heal from it, and deal with it. 

FOR CHILDREN:
IS YOUR FAMILY REALLY TOXIC
AND ARE YOUR PARENTS REALLY NARCISSISTS?

Discussion about narcissistic parents:

First of all, do your parents really fit the official diagnoses in the DSM 5?

Or is it just a few traits? If it is just a few traits, some progress can probably be made in terms of understanding, comprehension and reconciliation. 

However, going through this list is often not enough. 

Here is what a lot of children of narcissists go through:
* Trauma symptoms
* Hightened anxiety, jumpiness, heightened hypervigilance, fear of seeing or having to deal with their parent
* Disturbed sleep, profound lack of sleep, jumpy and awake at the slightest sound
* Nightmares about their narcissistic parent hurting them or who seem elated at seeing them hurt
* Nightmares about their narcissistic parent stalking them
* Nightmares about adverse situations they want to forget
* Intrusive vivid memories about a traumatic event or events at inconvenient times
* Easily triggered by sights and sounds of traumatic events that featured their parent in the past
* Easily triggered by being around other family members that remind them of their narcissistic parent
* Easily triggered by hearing or seeing arguments, shouting, swearing, name-calling, loud voices, rage, belligerence, goading, taunting, threats, blackmail, gaslighting, arguments that are intensifying
* Easily triggered by love bombing (people coming on too strong, flatterers) 
* Easily triggered and depressed being around people who threaten abandonment of others (often resulting in the freeze trauma response)
* Easily triggered by people telling others to shut up or to stop talking
* Easily triggered by commanding, demanding, bossy people
* Easily trigered by individuals who show profound confirmation bias
* Easily triggered by people who pretend to be a victim
* Easily triggered by violence, violent movies, wars, war footage, thrillers
* Easily triggered by controlling, antagonistic, raging, arrogant people
* Sometimes triggered by competitions and games
* Sometimes triggered by triangulation
* Sometimes triggered by fireworks, loud banging noises, loud pops, fizzles
* Sometimes triggered by dangerous sports
* A profound sense that they need to heal the hurt and constant intrusive memories that they can't seem to stop on their own, and that seems to follow them around. Most victims of narcissists go to a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist (and yes, many of them will suggest going "no contact" to keep your child from further slides into more trauma)
* A desperate need for peace in private life and in the world at large (peace being "the great healer")
* Severe cases: A profound feeling that they should be alone, that they can no longer deal with human beings
* Sometimes: body aches - all of the muscles of the body can freeze up, be effected, but otherwise it feels like the kind of body aches you get when you get the flu except they are there all of the time
* Often: Stomach aches, stomach upset, IBS, celiacs, and in extreme cases: nausea, vomiting with an inability to calm nerves enough to stop it
* Severe cases: Involuntary body movements (jerking, shivering, mimicing restless leg syndrome)
* Severe cases: Involuntary body freeze responses where you can't move, the body stiffens like a corpse, and can barely breathe (can get worse with someone shouting or making commands - there has been a lot of research into this trauma response lately - I'll be talking about this when I get to the trauma section of this blog)
* Severe cases: Suicide ideation, hopelessness
* Severe cases: Inability to ask for help or trust people in the helping professions
* Often: Heart problems: palpitations, pressure and tightness in the chest, heart rhythm problems. Heart disease is very common among victims of narcissistic abuse. Heart problems also include light-headedness, faintness, dizziness and respiratory distress. 
* Often: Headaches. In severe cases: Headaches that never go away, that go on day after day, week after week, month after month. Stress headaches and tension headaches are the most common and often come with tenderness in the scalp, neck and shoulders with fatigue. Can come with ocular symptoms such as sensitivity to light, eye strain, and eye pain. It can also mean the symptoms worsen when triggered. Doctors treating headache sometimes also suggest "no contact" to minimize the issues setting off the headaches, especially if a mental health counselor has also suggested it. 
* Extremely common: Autoimmune diseases. The most common are IBS, IBD, Crohn's, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Asthma, Celiacs, and Thyroiditis.  
* Common: Increased risk for cancer. Most prevalent are gastrointenstinal cancers, female cancers, and skin cancers. More here and here. 
* Often when anxious or afraid: pacing, walking fast, repetetive motions
* Sometimes (moderate to severe cases): problems talking: stuttering, repetetive words, slurred speech, hoarseness, weak voice from shallow breathing, getting emotional or teary while talking because of the frustaration of getting their point across, difficulty finding the right words, losing train of thought, inability to speak (freeze response) about certain subjects. Trauma specialists can also suggest "no contact" when speech impediments show up in their patients.
* A desperate feeling that they need to heal from physical symptoms associated with trauma and PTSD 
 
Note: this is not a full list.

This list also doesn't necessarily mean your parent is a narcissist, so I have another answer for that. 

There are alot of other narcissistic traits that are not in the DSM, so I took the time to list the more important traits (with links) to be aware of, especially in close personal relationships, to help you decipher whether your parent really is a narcissist. 

Some other traits of narcissists are: 

* Tendendecy to become prejudiced. 
* They enjoy creating drama and chaos
* They often rage if they detect any criticism or difference of opinion from theirs - in other words they tend to think they are right all of the time and will not tolerate being shown they are wrong.
* They enjoy arguments that have no resolution. They turn arguments into personal attacks instead.
* They tend to have destructive arguing styles. 
* They tend to blame shift.
* They have a tendency to be cruel. 
* Narcissists will insist that they chronically have to have their own way
* As far as they are concerned, there is no place for compromise, co-operation or understanding; they have to have their own way. 
* They often play the victim if they aren't getting their way. 
* You may tend to feel invisible around them because narcissists are often too self centered, self focused, and self involved to notice that you are a different person with different traits.
* They tend to have extra-marital affairs and to be disloyal in general.
* Narcissists tend to be highly manipulative and controlling.
* They tend to feel more superior in comparison to other people.
* They cannot fathom that they are not superior to other human beings (delusions of grandeur)
* Narcissists feel that arguing gets them their way by wearing down the other person (zero-sum game, chronically dominant oriented)
* Narcissists feel that being dominant at all times is the only way they feel emotionally regulated
* Narcissists feel they must be dominant in order to enjoy a relationship.
* They tend to feel threatened by the success of others. 
* They tend to feel more jealousy and envy than other people do. 
* They tend to be intolerant of others except sycophants.
* Narcissists tend to be exploitive. 
* Narcissists tend to silence others or talk over them to control the narrative. 
* Narcissists tend to lie (a lot) to serve their reputation. They have no commitment to the truth. 
* Narcissists have no moral or ethical convictions, but tend to appear to have them to serve their reputation. They also display moral hypocrisy, i.e., holding others to saint-like ethical standards that they never practice themselves. 
* Narcissists tend to express more ingratitude about their relationships than satisfaction.
* When narcissists don't get their way, they tend to run smear campaigns on you.
* Narcissists tend to use the silent treatment on people closest to them to get their own way.
* They gaslight.
* Narcissists practice love bomb, devalue, discard - the cycle of abuse in close relationships and with at least one child.
* Narcissists can become highly retaliatory and vengeful. 
* Narcissists can turn to crime if they don't get their way.

These are "the basics" of how most narcissists relate to other human beings they are close to.

If your parent can compromise, and discuss issues without insisting they get their way, and they can argue points fairly and equitably, and still have empathy and consideration for your feelings, you may not want to close the door on them (they are likely to go through trauma by your "no contact"). 

Assuming your parent is not a narcissist, once trauma symptoms take hold, the nervous system goes into survival mode. The body and brain go into shock, the sympathetic nervous system releases cortisol and adrenaline, and the person finds themselves eventually "on guard" and hypervigilant to attacks. The initial phases may mean a freeze trauma response, a fight trauma response, a flee trauma response or less likely with a child a fawn trauma response.

The "fight trauma response" can have some controlling aspects to it, but it doesn't necessarily mean they are a narcissist unless they are in that mode most of the time. ... In other words, if their major traits are these: aggression, highly critical of you or others, argumentative, antagonistic, micro-managing or exceptionally controlling, disrespectful, lying, unempathetic ... all with an inability to take criticism or complaint without raging and/or threatening, but fighting back with a plethora of criticisms themselves - the latter being an important marker for narcissism since narcissism is primarily an "I can do what I want, but I'm going to make you miserable if you think you can do what you want. I'm going to control you and dominate you and call all of the shots - or else." - they may not say it exactly this way, but they'll say it in other ways. It is a major part of their personality disorder. 

Assuming they aren't a narcissist, in the beginning they try to avoid people and places as they try to absorb the loss. 

Then the grieving starts. And the confusion. Then persistent longing, distress, grief that has no closure, often social stigmas (usually for both parent and child, depending on the social circles), and high levels of stress and depression. Sometimes these set of symptoms, if they don't let up, mean gettting PTSD. 

PTSD often comes with triggers (which are a short hand way of saying panic attacks and anxiety). This can mean that if they are ever in your company again, they will likely feel highly anxious and distrusting. They may be barely be able to speak. They may feel they can't speak, that they are walking on eggshells. They may cry and walk away from you. They may feel frozen and unresponsive. 

However, the opposite can happen too, where they want to talk issues out with you. They may suggest therapy for both of you. They may show that they are up for resolution, compromise, accomodation, short visits or a long term commitment to healing wounds each has inflicted on the other, openness to understanding your point of view - Note: narcissists can't do any of these things. 

In fact, if you tell a non-narcissistic parent that you need a break, they will understand and sometimes tell you that they'd like to resolve issues with you at what ever future date you'd like to schedule something.

If you never do it, even though the door is open, what do you want, if anything, that is causing this rift to be on-going? 

Because if it's control over your parent, it won't work, and in general, most therapists will say there is no room for parents to have a major agenda to control an adult child, or for an adult child to control a parent once both people are adults. 

Part of a parent understanding an adult child is letting go of control and expectation, and part of a child understanding who their parent is means letting go of control and expectation too. If you have children and you're too controlling, your child may be controlling too (they've learned it from you), so letting go of control has a better chance of mending a rift than increasing control. An agenda to control can also make you blind to who the other person is. 

In general, agendas get in the way of truly knowing and understanding a person. If other reasons over-take, a relationship will never be satisfying. 

If it's a toxic family matter where your uncle is a pedophile and you are not getting support and safety from your parent (or are blamed for the incidents instead), it's another matter which I bring up in the next section.  

It is hard to re-establish a relationship or reconcile after "no contact", especially if your parent went through trauma after your "no contact". The bond between parent and child is usually strong, so strong that breaches to it will usually cause trauma symptoms. 

In contrast, a true narcissisic parent can get over relationships by the usual mechanisms they use of "induce guilt first, and when realizing the relationship is over, deny wrong-doing, blame the other person 100 percent, and then run smear campaigns on them" (even if nothing they say is true). It's the default way all narcissists deal with relationships that split apart.

They also aren't invested in relationships. They are in relationships to control and dominate other people which makes it easy for them to reject people they can't control, or to get over them if the other person goes "no contact" on them. They are blind to who other people are mostly, and what their thoughts and feelings are because relationships are nothing more than power grabs and projections - it's what relationships have always been for them. 

Most likely in their smear campaigns you will get projections of how they behave (in other words, they tell you that you and others that you have their worst qualities because they do not know you). It's a defense mechanism that works very well for them and keeps them shielded from most feelings of heartbreak. 

And they will also think that your "no contact" is the way they do their "discards" of other people, to manipulate people and get more power over them. 

One big difference between narcissists and non-narcissists is that narcissists seem to get over relationships really fast, being haughty and calloused afterward, have attitudes like "blech, I never liked him or her anyway!" (even when it comes to their own child), and they party or indulge themselves with spending, cruises, parties, drinking and drugging, clothes, and covorting with your enemies or with people who have hurt you - all another sign of narcissism. 

In contrast, parents who are not narcissists will be going through a tremendous amount of grief and trauma. 

If you want to reconcile with a narcissist, they often think you want to have domination or power over them (that's because that is what they do when they try to get others back in their life). So they are likely to reject you. 

If they let you back, they may appreciate the narcissistic supply for awhile, but from knowing the stories of adult children of narcissists, the adult children were pretty severely punished soon afterward for going "no contact" in the first place. Their parent's retaliation became the major theme of their life shortly afterwards, which of course, usually means the adult child is dealing with more abuse which mostly turns into a life long rift or a lot more trauma. 

If they pursue or sweet talk you, it's often to get you back in role serving them (the roles are discussed in this post) or to punish you. 

Real child abuse survivors often find themselves wanting to get away from arrogant people, aggressive hostile people, conflict oriented people, argumentative types, controlling personalities, micro-managers, people who threaten other people to get their way, and antagonistic oriented people. They just want peace and safety, and that's their real reason for "no contact" - not to punish the parent.

And who is at the top for threatening, hostile, arrogant, antagonistic traits? Narcissists. In fact, even if you don't have many of trauma symptoms (yet), with enough exposure to narcissists, you will start to feel some of them gradually and it can get to the point of a disability. That's the other legitimate reason for "no contact". 

Most people do not want either a parent's control or their need for a role, and it's why a lot of adult children go "no contact" too, with the real narcissistic parents at the advice of a therapist (trauma therapists especially advise it because you cannot heal when narcissists are in your life - narcissists cause trauma in most people via the traits they have, the most difficult traits I listed above). 

Discussion about toxic dysfunctional families:

What are toxic families? According to Google AI these are some of the ingredients that make up a toxic family (copied in dark red): 

A toxic family is a system of relationships characterized by consistent, dysfunctional behaviors—such as manipulation, emotional or physical abuse, and control—that harm members' well-being and mental health. Instead of offering support, these families often create environments of fear, guilt, and stress, frequently causing members to feel drained, belittled, or trapped.

Some other things discussed in the article are lack of boundaries, manipulation and gaslighting, emotional/verbal abuse, conditional love, constant conflict, substance use/addiction, triangulation, scapegoat/golden child roles are evident. 

This is the definition of a dysfunctional family according to another Goole AI article:

A dysfunctional family is a family unit characterized by chronic conflict, poor communication, neglect, or abuse, where relationships are impaired and members cannot find support or safety. Such families often lack healthy boundaries, feature rigid roles, and exhibit behaviors like addiction, emotional unavailability, or excessive control. 

Some other things discussed in the article are poor communication, neglect and abuse, unhealthy boundaries, lack of empathy, rigid roles, substance abuse or mental illness, poor emotional regulation. 

If I had my druthers, I'd switch the definitions as I personally tend to think of toxic extended families as full of members who are dealing with rigid roles and extremely unhealthy emotional dynamics in their own special way: through drinking and drugging, having a mental illness or personality disorder, PTSD or C-PTSD, full of both sycophants and rebellious members, incest or pedophilia, members who avoid their family, insufficient parenting, toxic emotional passtimes like making a laughing stock out of a member, hate speech, marked by more extra-marital affairs than loyalty to a partner, marked by more divorces than "sticking together", parents estranged from children, sibling estrangement, criminal behaviors, kids with conduct disorder, lots of poor conflict resolution skills, kids with debilitating auto-immune diseases, members who steal from other members, way too much conflict and drama, lots of unreasonable expectations, more arguing and unsolicited advice than pleasant conversation, lots of silencing of members, way too much "walking on eggshells", an entitled cruel older generation only concerned with outside appearances, marked by very little morality if any at all - basically families that are a mess and traumatizing. 

I know at least two families with all of these issues going on in their family, personally and in depth, and the family in the movie, August Osage County, is so very, very tame compared to these two families. One stands out with many estranged daughters (women and underage girls), and the other with incest and a murder in it. They are both generationally wealthy families, so what does that tell you? 

If your parent can deal with you being an ex-member of such a family and having just a relationship with you without other family members present, then that's a step in the right direction and an acknowledgement of why you want to back off and navigate your own life without the family's  interference and influence. Insisting you get along with abusive, or criminal, or incestuous members is never okay.

I have no problem, personally, with withdrawing from families like these. They are very hard on members, especially children. And who needs, as an adult, to expose one's own children to this and make a mess of their lives and mental health too? - this becomes the more important reason to go very, very low contact or no contact at all. If you have parents who emotionally abuse you and treat you like dirt under their feet, that can teach your children and other family members to treat you this way too. 

You can, of course, try to keep contact with a few members, but often families like this are so enmeshed and deeply enabling of criminal and cruel behaviors that it can mean "no contact" in the end, with all of them (except, perhaps, other estranged members).  

Also families with this much toxicity and dysfunctionality in them, usually have, at their core, the worst members sticking together and condoning each other's child abuse, or pretending there is no alcoholism or incest in the family, or making the family unsafe by excusing and enabling members for committing crimes. 

The worst part of it all is that these are usually the members who retaliate and plan revenges for  members who are in pain from family members' actions, and can no longer tolerate the egregious illegalities or cruelties, excuses, and enabling of the bad actors in their family. 

If adult children cannot find support, peace, love, affection, reasonable expectations in terms of tolerance and are controlled in negative ways, and every step of the way about fulfilling perfectly normal aspirations and decisions about their own life, they have a right to divorce their families and find it elsewhere. 

That's the way I feel about it. 

Upcoming:

In another post I'll be talking about the positives and negatives of what I call "The No Contact Revolution" with Millennials and Gen Z leading the way on it.

Post script on 2/19/26: Instead of responding to this post in the comments section below, Peep wrote a whole post as a comment HERE. Perhaps the two of us will continue to post about this issue as new information becomes available on this trend. At this moment I don't see it as much different than the trend of high divorce rates in the 1970s, but perhaps it is. Does it hurt more than the trend from the 1970s? Maybe, maybe not, so I'll look into this subject more. 

FOUND ON FACEBOOK

Once Narcissists Try to Hurt You, They Don't Want to Stop. It's One of Many Reasons Why Most Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Eventually Leave Them.

(edited)

So, before you shame the next victim of narcissistic abuse for divorcing their spouse, or for a child who prefers to be estranged from a parent or sibling, or for letting a rift come between two best friends, consider that the reason may be that one of them has many or all of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that this narcissist is actually on a campaign to hurt the person they claim to love.

And if they do have this personality disorder, plus some power over you, and they have hurt you once, and continued to try to hurt you, consider that narcissistic traits in the "hurter" might be the culprit.

Some reasons why narcissists want to hurt other people, and why they go on retaliation and revenge binges:

* when they feel hurt over your complaints or criticisms about them, or in situations they manage
     They take complaints and criticisms as insults to their ego, an ego they feel must be worshipped, not found to be at fault. When dealing with others' complaints and criticisms, narcissists rage. They feel disappointed in the messenger of those complaints and criticisms. For covert narcissists and malignant narcissists, they most often want to seek revenge.
     Take note however: most narcissists believe that you have no right to complain about or criticize them because they put themselves in higher status and value than others, whereas they criticize other people in extreme ways: insults, degrading comments, false narratives, smear campaigns with only a little truth, fantasy scenes which make you seem to be the instigator.
     They call on others to have a bad opinion of you even if they don't know you, calling on others to hurt you.
     In fact, they try to out-do you in extreme ways with complaints and criticisms, as well as take on aggressive behaviors. 
     This shows a number of things:
     -first: that they have narcissistic traits, and maybe even the whole personality disorder, and possibly even other personality disorders too, especially if the revenge is so extreme that you wonder when they'll be done, or they use sabotage, crimes, physical abuse, and physical injury or attempted murder  to make their point, the sign of either malignant narcissism or psychopathy. 
     -second: entitlement. Narcissists feel entitled to hurt you, but that you aren't entitled to walk away from them because of the hurt they caused. They also believe you are not entitled to defend yourself against their attacks, or to call the police if a crime that they instigate or get someone else to instigate against you seems connected to them, or to live happily ever after without them. They can't stand any of these, so there is a great resentment against others' boundaries. 
     -third: boundaries. They believe they are so special that they have a right to traverse and crash everyone's boundaries. This includes emotional, mental and often physical boundaries. It also includes a right to interrogate you, or demean you.
     If they are home invading, stealing, stalking, trespassing, and sabotaging, this points more towards Antisocial Personality Disorder or Malignant Narcissism.  
     
* when they feel slighted when you don't invite them to important events in your life, or to a party, and believe it means they have a right to seek revenge over it
     Narcissists feel too important to be taken for granted, forgotten about, overlooked, or to be unwanted company.
     They assume they control others more than they actually do (they even think they control others' thoughts and opinions), that they are always the most important person in the room, that people always listen with baited breath to what they have to say while disregarding what others have to say, that others will always be careful not to step on their ego ("walking on eggshells"), that they "own" the event to which they are invited to some degree. They are not at events to get to know others except in gleaning information on how much influence they, the narcissist, can insert into conversations. This is one way they find both new narcissistic supply and new victims.
     Since "not being invited" is a bruise to their ego, their highly crafted "perfect persona", and sense of importance, entitlement and grandiose visions of themselves, they tend to get hurt and retaliate. 
     They may do a tit-for-tat and stop inviting you to their events too, but more likely they will go way beyond that in revenge-seeking. 

* when they feel they are losing control and power over you or over the events in your life that they believe they have a right to control
     One of the big things narcissists feel they have a right to control are the weddings of their children (and to some extent their grandchildren). This includes the cake, the guest list, the dress or tux, and anything else they can think of. It's the rare narcissist who says, "You can run your wedding any way you want to. If you need my support, I'm here for you." That is so obvious in forums for child abuse survivors. 
     That is the more well known control they exert, but there are also plenty more.
     If you are in a close personal relationship with them, they also feel entitled to control what you say, how you say it, where you go, what you do, what you tell them, who you have relationships with, what career you choose, how you manage your career, how you dress, what you do with your hair, everything. They are even known to try to micro-manage situations they aren't part of and know nothing about. 
     If you are in a work environment with them, they typically use gossip, tell false narratives to the boss, sabotage your work, take credit for your work and other maneuvers to make sure they are promoted and that you are demoted (or fired). Note: if bosses don't look into situations carefully, they can be taken in by narcissists. If they are adamant that the narcissist is right, then you can't talk them out of it. You can read my post on enablers and flying monkeys in narcissistic abuse to understand the dynamic. The work environment is likely to get more toxic than less toxic if narcissists are promoted. 
     If they've gained that kind of control over you, and feel they are losing it later on, or if you've come upon a false narrative or two that they've told about you, and you are showing distrust of them over these facts, then they are likely to go on a revenge binge. 
     They don't like losing power and position, and have to know they are always going to get more power, not less of it, and while rage is certainly part of losing power for them, it's a rare narcissist who won't retaliate too. 

* when you aren't walking on eggshells for them
     Narcissists feel they are too sensitive, that they need special care and that your duty is to be careful around their super sensitive feelings. 
     Fine, but they aren't sensitive to other people's feelings by a long shot because of their profound lack of empathy. 
     This makes it very difficult to be super sensitive to them when they are hammering away at you with such callousness. 
     When you've had enough, they'll play the victim. The only person they notice who is hurt is them, always and forever, because again, they don't care about your feelings (because of their lack of empathy). 
     If you don't come rushing to their aid immediately, when they want it, they feel you are a calloused brute who can't toughen up when they hurt you. So they want to hurt you more. 
     There is so much hypocrisy in these situations that it is hard to turn yourself inside out to address their feelings when most likely, because of their narcissism, they instigated it, they took hurting you to such extremes, they never offered a realistic resolution, and all you want to do is leave.
     Their playing the victim in these kinds of situations perhaps nauseates you too. 
     When you aren't taken in by their being the victim instead of acknowledging that they victimized you, then they start playing the victim in front of others, inserting a lot of false narratives about what happened between the two of you, making sure they turn you into the instigator, making sure they make everything that happened totally your fault, etc. Believe it or not, a lot of narcissists still expect you to save their sorry ass. 
     When you don't save their ass, they go on a revenge binge. 

So let's say they have decided the best way to react to being hurt is to go on a retaliation spree. Where does it end? How much destruction satisfies them? And do they keep wanting to hurt you once they have started?

Yes to all of it. 

For part of this answer, I went to Google AI and Google Search. I give you the Google AI answer below in dark red, and you can search through articles through the same link. 

There's a saying, "Hurt people hurt people," and it often applies to individuals with narcissistic tendencies. While it might seem counterintuitive to keep hurting someone they've already harmed, several factors contribute to this behavior: 

Lack of Empathy and Self-reflection

* Narcissists struggle with empathy, meaning they have a diminished ability to understand or share the feelings of others.

* They may not fully grasp the depth of pain they inflict because their reality is distorted and focused on their own needs and perspectives.

* This lack of self-awareness makes it difficult for them to recognize the impact of their actions or take responsibility for causing harm. 

Underlying Insecurities and Fragile Ego

* Despite appearing confident, narcissists harbor deep insecurities and a fragile sense of self.

* To protect their ego, they may employ defense mechanisms like projecting their flaws onto others and blaming them for their own insecurities or past traumas.

* Hurting others can be a way to regulate their own emotions and boost their self-esteem, even if it's temporary. 

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

* Narcissists may engage in a cycle of abuse that includes love bombing, devaluation, and discard stages, where the victim is idealized, then criticized and put down, and finally cast aside.

* When a narcissist feels challenged or threatened, they may lash out in narcissistic rage, which is characterized by intense anger and a need to regain control.

* This cycle perpetuates as the narcissist struggles to maintain a sense of superiority and control, and may repeat hurtful behaviors to ensure the victim remains under their influence or subservient to them. 

Pleasure from seeing others suffer

* Some narcissists, especially those with sadistic or malignant traits, may derive pleasure from the pain and humiliation of others, according to Medium.

* They may see it as a way to prove their own superiority and get the "narcissistic supply" they need to feel good about themselves. 

It's important to remember that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder or strong narcissistic traits are operating from a place of deep pain and insecurity. While it's crucial to acknowledge the harm they cause, it's also essential to understand the underlying psychological factors driving their actions. 

If "the retaliations" are scary and seem like the actions of a "disturbed person" and they are escalating, this article by Psychology Today called "The Hidden Danger of the Homicidal Narcissist

When ego threats, perceived slights, and romantic rejections can lead to murder" might be helpful.

Note: Most victims of narcissistic abuse tend to downplay the amount of danger they are in (meaning they are usually in much more danger than they realize). 

So here are some traits to watch out for to tell whether you are in any danger. The more of these things there are, the more dangerous the person is.

* A need to get negative narcissistic supply from you
Negative narcissistic supply would mean the narcissist is feeding on these emotions from you:
      being upset and sad: being upset means, to them, that they have control over your emotions, that if they try to upset you, they will realize they have that kind of power over you. It's another sign to them that they can make a puppet out of you. If you are bothered by them throwing out your clothes, they'll be sure to "up" throwing your clothes away just to upset you, and then play dumb afterwards. 
If you are sad, to them it means they have managed to effect you in a negative way. They may do things that upset you more. If you don't like your dog running in the street, they will send your dog out to run in the street and then play dumb afterward. If you don't like ginger cake, they'll buy you a ginger cake especially for your birthday. If talking about a certain subject makes you feel sad and you don't like to re-visit those sad memories, they'll make constant excuses as to why they need to keep bringing it up. 
     sabotaging you: a lot of negative narcissistic supply comes from sabotaging you. Let's say you get a promotion at work, and they not only do not celebrate the event with you, they also decide to rage at you and start an erroneous argument so that your attention is on them instead of your promotion. They might call your boss up at work and tell them you didn't deserve the promotion because you have serious psychological problems (when you don't). Then they refuse to talk to you for three days. 
     getting you angry: They provoke you and bait you in ways that they know will get you angry and reactive. Once you become reactive, they tell you that you have serious mental health problems to get that angry at them. Then they tell you the argument was all your fault without taking accountability for provoking and baiting you for a response. This is also a bullying tactic, by the way. 
     getting you jealous: Again, they provoke you and bait you to get you jealous. They talk about what great sex they had with their ex. They talk about how attractive a woman is at work. If you go to a dance, they spend most of the night dancing with others and keep looking at you to see if you are reacting. In extreme cases they have affairs and flaunt them in your face, but then act surprised, devastated and vengeful when you file for divorce. They can even say things like "You never cared about me to file for divorce!" 
     controlling the conversation to get negative reactions out of you: blaming you for things you did not do, blaming you for things you did not say, blaming you for thoughts you do not have (called perspecticide). Any actions that show that they do not value you, who you are, what you do, or what you have to say is usually to get a reaction out of you. Stonewalling and silencing you is also one of the ways narcissists try to control what is discussed, when it is discussed, and how it is discussed. If they don't get their own way in this regard every single time, they have a tantrum, and often refuse to talk to you at all. 
     sending the message that no one cares about you: This usually is a bullying technique meant to make you feel alone and lonely, without support from a single soul, an outcast, a shunned person that no one in the world will accept. Except that it usually comes with false narratives about you, and lots of smear campaigns to get other people doubting you and siding with the narcissist way before they want others to shun you. In other words, it is premeditated, an insurance policy in case you "buck" their control.
     Part of why they do this is to get you wanting to get approval from them and the group, especially their brainwashed group. This tends to work in their favor in the short term, but not in the long term. If this is the first time they do this, the negative reaction they want is probably what they will get: you'll feel alone, lonely and shunned. 
     If they keep doing it, you'll probably figure out it is an obnoxious game they want to play to get you afraid and reacting, and to keep you from seeking other avenues of genuine support, instead of the very tenuous support they show you.  
     getting reactions out of you where you feel afraid, intimidated, threatened, anxious and/or hunted: This is generally referred to as coercive control. This is the most dangerous of negative narcissistic supply, but I bet it comes with all of the others I have mentioned first or in tandem with it. If it includes sadism too, there is even more danger to it. 
     Their wanting to get negative narcissistic supply out of you doesn't get better, and can get much worse.
     The amount of narcissistic supply they get from others is never enough. They always want more. Now imagine that their main source of narcissistic supply is the negative kind. This means they'll be increasing the amount of hurt they give you, sometimes to the point of sadistic acts. 
When therapists tell you that abuse escalates, listen to them. Getting negative narcissistic supply is part of it. 
     
* If there is gang bullying going on, it can be more dangerous than one sole narcissist bullying you because brainwashed fools in numbers tend "not to be smart".
     They aren't being smart about what they are doing because they are brainwashed. They have given up any kind of moral convictions in order to please the narcissist. They have also given up on their own independent thoughts to act on the narcissist's behalf.
     The dynamic doesn't change because of the number of people involved (and the co-supporters of the bullying will justify each bullying incident)
* When family mobbing becomes dangerous (Google Search and Google AI)
* When the golden child participates in family mobbing (Google Search and Google AI)
* The enabler parent in the narcissistically abusive family - by therapist, Jay Reid (You Tube)
* Dirty Secrets: The Hidden Truth of Family Mobbing and Scapegoat Abuse #scapegoat #toxicfamily - by Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT Scapegoat Abuse Expert (You Tube)
* An INSIDIOUS type of narcissistic BULLYING - by Dr.Ramani Duvasula (You Tube)
* Family scapegoat, prized, needed and envied | Diane Collins | TEDxFederalHill (You Tube)
* Are family scapegoats sometimes killed? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Signs Your Family is Using You as the SCAPEGOAT - by Psych To Go (You Tube)
* Are authoritarian families more abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Are authoritarian parents more abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Family mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Friendship mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Workplace mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Why are daughters more at risk in family mobbing? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Who Fares Worse?

How boys and girls of narcissistic mothers can be impacted. - by Claire Jack Ph.D., and reviewed by Devon Frye for Psychology Today
* Why do narcissistic mothers hate their daughters? (Google Search and Google AI)
* 10 symptoms of daughters of narcissistic fathers (Google Search and Google AI)
* 10 symptoms of sons of narcissistic fathers (Google Search and Google AI)
* When your father is a malignant narcissist (Google Search and Google AI)
* My family is a narcissistic bully and keeps bothering me. What should I do? - Quora question
* What are the 3 R's to break the cycle of violence? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Domestic Violence (professional definition) - by Martin R. Huecker, Kevin C. King,  Gary A. Jordan, William Smock, for University of Loisville, Muhlenberg Community Hospital Greenville, University of Tennessee, National Library of Medicine (professional research paper)
* Signs and Effects of Workplace Bullying - by Sherri Gordon  and reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS for Very Well Mind

* Insults are a sign of danger too.
     This means they are devaluing you. When they've devalued you, they don't care what you feel, or how you feel, or how much damage they've done. Not caring about how you feel gives them the entitlement to treat you badly, with even more insults - or at least that is what they tend to think. To them, you've lost their esteem of you. 
How insults contribute to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)

* Arrogance is a sign of danger because it means the narcissist won't really hear you or listen to you because they have the attitude that they know best, that their mind and perspectives are better than yours. So if you want to tell them how you feel, grandiose narcissists will talk over you (not let you get a word in edgewise), covert narcissists will tell you that isn't how you really feel (and lecture you about how you feel something else instead), and malignant narcissists will tend to get angry because they don't want to talk about how you feel (it simply doesn't matter to them at all). 
     Arrogance tends to contribute to narcissists having confirmation biases and being blind to knowing anyone else other than themselves, so they will not necessarily care if they put you in danger, or someone else does. 
How arrogance contributes to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)

* Controlling behaviors:
Coercive control consists of threats, humiliation and intimidation. Usually there are fear tactics, interrogation tactics, revenge tactics if you are prone to autonomous thoughts and decisions, isolation tactics to keep you from relating to common friends and family, and gaslighting tactics to get you to question your own mind. Coercive control usually goes with domestic violence or precedes it. Therefor it is dangerous. 
Managing you as though they are your boss, teacher, or spiritual leader, and trying to keep you from your own autonomous decisions is a common type of coercive control. This means if you have an autonomous thought or ambition you are being talked out of it to take on the controller's perspectives, ways of doing things, thinking style and opinions. Sometimes you might experience revenge or threats from them if you don't "do what you are told to do" or "think the way they want to think" or "feel the way they want you to feel". Usually this kind of action is only for their benefit, not for yours. They also tend to give you negative reinforcement than positive reinforcement to get you back under their control. Negative reinforcement always comes with dangers. 

* A Guide to Coercive Control

How to recognize this subtle yet dangerous form of domestic abuse - by Shelley Flannery for Domestic Shelters
Excerpts:
     ... Evan Stark, Ph.D., a forensic social worker and author of Coercive Control, estimates between 60% and 80% of female domestic abuse survivors have experienced coercive control beyond physical and emotional abuse. And a brief on the subject by Andrea Silverstone, RSW, executive director of Sagesse Domestic Violence Prevention Society in Canada reports more than 95% of domestic violence victims experience coercive control. ... 
     ... While coercive control can be found in any type of relationship, it’s most common in heterosexual relationships in which the man uses coercive control against the woman. In fact, about one in three women who experience intimate partner violence report being the victim of coercive control as compared with about one in 20 male victims of domestic abuse. Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, says she believes this is due to pervasive sexism. ... 
     ... Coercive control may not be explicitly outlawed in every state, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a red flag. In a review of intimate partner homicides in New South Wales, Australia, 100% of cases involved prior coercive control while just over half of offenders had previously been physically violent toward their partners. In other words, violence doesn’t always escalate incrementally. In more than 40% of intimate partner homicides, offenders who had previously used coercive control against their partners killed them with no reports of physical violence in between. ... 
* Does coercive control lead to domestic violence (Google Search and Google AI) 
* Does coercive control lead to criminal behavior (Google Search and Google AI)  

* Who is most at risk of becoming a victim of coercive control? - Women's aid, under the article, "What is Coercive Control?"
* 9 Signs of a Relationship with a Controlling Partner - by Hilary I. Lebow and medically reviewed by  Lori Lawrenz, PsyD for Psych Central
* Recognising the Difference Between Love and Controlling Behaviour in Relationships: Warning Signs - by the administrators of National Legal service Solicitors (UK)
* Why is coercive control illegal? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Why isn't coercive control illegal in many states in the USA?  (Google Search and Google AI)
* What do you call someone who wants to control everything? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Do criminals use coercive control? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Isolating you from others is often part of every narcissist's agenda. Again, this usually comes with a lot of smear campaigns with false narratives that they tell others long before your relationship with them seems to be in trouble. Narcissists use smear campaigns as their insurance policy to hoard the people that you both know with fake charm and false narratives about your sanity, so that you will be shunned and unsupported by their sycophants and other minions when you do break up with the narcissist.
     If these minions are brainwashed for a long time, they won't want to hear your side of things.
     Isolating is another aspect of Coercive control that can be more obvious than other traits. 
* How domestic violence offenders try to isolate their victims (Google Search and Google AI)
* ISOLATION TACTICS – How victims of Domestic Abuse fall into the trap - National Centre for Domestic Violence
* How isolating a victim contributes to victimization (Google Search and Google AI)
* How does isolation lead to victimization? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age - by Günnur Karakurt and Kristin E Silver for Violence Vict., and National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology, Pub Med Central (professional paper) - section on isolation

* male perpetrators who are loners, outcasts or have endured loneliness and social isolation for years or decades: The Cultural Roots of Loneliness and Violence

* Research with boys helps us understand the roots of loneliness and violence. - by Niobe Way Ed.D. for Psychology Today

* Entitlement can mean they feel entitled to do anything and get away with anything. 
How does entitlement figure into domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI)
Can spoiled children become abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Breaking your property is often a precursor to physical abuse. It is also a type of revenge, and revenge in any close personal relationship is definitely a more serious kind of danger. 
Property Damage in the Domestic Violence Context - by D. Kelly Weisberg, UC Hastings College of the Law, for UC Law SF

* Lack of empathy is another danger sign. If they don't care about you, they won't care how things affect you unless they are into negative narcissistic supply and sadism.
     Lack of empathy with threatening, menacing behavior? Particularly dangerous.
Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders (Google Search and Google AI)

* Lack of any regret or accountability for hurting you - more dangerous. A sign of Antisocial Personality Disorder which can co-exist with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 
     Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders is particularly dangerous.
     However, even if they have a habit of apologizing, it doesn't necessarily mean they've reformed. It doesn't necessarily mean they have regrets either. This is especially true if they keep hurting you in the same ways over and over again via a cycle. 
* Lack of remorse or regret in Antisocial Personality Disorder - (Google Search and Google AI)
* The Remorse of Abusers
Too much can lead to more abuse. - by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. for The Resilience Center of Houston

* Criminal past, criminal tendencies, or a criminal mindset - even more dangerous. A lot of narcissists will break codes of conduct, like having extra-marital affairs on partners (the partner thinks they are in a monogamous relationship and is shocked to find they are not, for instance), or playing around with damaging gossip, or hiding addictions, or saying "I do" for the fifth time in terms of being faithful in their marriage, and insulting others in institutions like schools that expect polite discourse, but most of narcissists fall just short of committing crimes. 
     For those narcissists who do commit crimes, there is usually some element of Antisocial Personality Disorder. 
     The crimes can be taking things that aren't theirs but have no value on the lower end of criminal activity. Murdering you is on the higher end of criminality obviously. The amount of Antisocial Personality Disorder that is mixed in with Narcissistic Personality Disorder depends largely on what they do and say.
     A person that cannot take any complaint or criticism without wanting to hurt you in extreme over-reactive ways might be someone high in Antisocial Personality Disorder, especially if they cannot tolerate any kind of autonomous decisions or thoughts from you either. 
     Micro-managing you in extreme ways so that you are constantly being monitored and told how you are making mistakes, and raging at you about the mistakes you are perceived to make, and punishing and insulting you for your perceived mistakes, especially when you are a full adult, is another trait of Antisocial Personality Disorder. 
     Sometimes it is hard to tell what criminal deeds they've done until after the fact since narcissists also have a strong need for positive validation from society tend to put hiding their criminal acts first.
     The truth can come out as late as when they've been arrested for some other crime in the past, or it comes out in court from the prosecution lawyers that they've committed crimes before and have many victims. 
     So don't necessarily assume they've never committed crimes.
If they have strong Machiavellian tendencies that can be a sign of a criminal mindset as the focus is mostly on deceit and self serving interests.
     A "criminal mindset" can mean they are focused a lot on "getting their own way" in issues where property is joint, or children are joint, or where they make plans to "get" what they want out of a relationship without considering you or your feelings. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often much more focused on revenge over matters which aren't meant to hurt them. While normal minds can be focused on revenge, it is more episodic and rarely carried out. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting money, material possessions, lying about other people to gain favor, and rewards at the expense of others. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting rid of people or manipulating people to get an unfair advantage over them (power) or to take something from them. 
     A "criminal mindset" uses an incredible amount of charm, politeness and love bombing in order to gain favor and entry into someone else's life in order to gain something for themselves. They also use it in cases where their real motivations are not easily detected. Most narcissistic criminals are much more charming and affectionate than non-criminals. They act over-familiar, and over-intimate. The love bombing is usually intense, with a lot of flattery, a lot of mirroring of your likes and dislikes, and memes that you later find out were insincere. However, if you're not bowled over by them and their love bombing, or accept them right away (take things slowly), they can be rejecting, snippy, feel insulted and angry - that shows their entitlement. Entitlements is another danger sign.
     A "criminal mindset" is also about getting away with things as much as possible.  
     A criminal mindset is very unlikely to change. If you tell them how you feel, how their actions effect you, the damage their actions have done, or the repercussions in their own life, or with their own family and society at large, they are still not likely to change a bit. These people are "all about themselves and what they want" so much so that they really can't focus on others. They will not have empathy, and they tend to act on impulse when their needs become "overwhelming" to them.
     Some of them make elaborate plans "to get the most out of situations that aren't immediately rewarding them". It is who they are, in other words.
     They may promise to stop stealing, or stop home invading, or stop dealing drugs, or what ever their specialty is, but overwhelmingly they don't unless they feel that arrest for their crimes and attempted crimes is imminent. They tend to go for more vulnerable victims, victims who are not suspecting or show weakness at being talked into things. 
     A lot of people describe criminal narcissists and psychopaths as intelligent. However, committing crimes and lying about their intentions is not difficult. The difference is that if we act like they do, we feel sick. If they do it, they don't, and have very little conscience about their actions. They use your empathy and trust to gain access to you, to take from or manipulate you for their own gains. The real word for criminals is "predatory" and "Machiavellian" instead of "intelligent". The latter uses plans and deceit to get what they want, but many criminal plans usually can be detected by law enforcement, especially with technological advancements: DNA, social media and sightings, warning signals, cameras in every city and most businesses, drones and satellites, among other investigative techniques. Thus most criminals do not have "unusual intelligence" to go undeciphered. If you have a sense that something is "not right" about a person, or someone you know has the traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder, never meet with them alone. Crowds are best. 

     Narcissism is often described as a personality disorder with arrested development. When a child is born, they focus overwhelmingly on their own needs, and on getting those needs met by a caregiver. However, as they grow older, and as empathy develops in a normal way, they stop thinking of the world as "I got to have --" and "I have to get my needs met by others", and "I'm the most important person in this relationship".
     As the enmeshment with the caregiver weakens, either in a slow or fast way depending on the caregiver, the child also takes on more autonomous thinking, doing and planning. Narcissists and narcissists who commit crimes never get to this point. Their minds are still on "how to get from others" and "I'm the most important person in this relationship."
     Entitlement to control or take from others can come from having most every need and want met, especially compared to other children in the family - important distinction. As children, budding narcissists probably receive very little explanation for why they can't have everything and anything they want, (i.e. they are not taught "resource lessons") . Many of them are not taught basic lessons like: "Do not take from others," or "Those aren't your toys," or "You aren't entitled to receive more than your sibling."
     This is especially true if they are taught by example that they are "special" and deserve more rewards than others (arrogance).
     Thus when they believe that they deserve more than others, and also deserve to be "treated special" in terms of "getting", it is this entitlement, often mixed with envy, that drives them to exploit situations and others to "get more". If others show weakness in terms of the exploiter (malignant narcissist) gaining easy access, a trusting person can become a victim.  
     Children who grow up in narcissistic families are often taught that boundaries are not acceptable when it comes to family members, and this is what can cause them to be victims with people outside of the family too. Boundaries are one of the first steps to becoming safe and autonomous if you are in a narcissistic family. Criminals especially love people who have poor boundaries, poor self defense, poor self esteem, poor knee jerk reactions to being exploited and taken from, and high empathy and trust. 
     Criminality doesn't preclude doing damage to you in terms of taking your finances, your assets, your mental health, your trust in others, your peace of mind, and your very life. If they've gotten away with a lot of crimes, they can feel especially emboldened to hurt you and take from you again by other means. In other words they like scheming against you because of your vulnerability. 
* Can a criminal mindset contribute to domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Domestic Violence and Deviant Behavior - by William D. Norwood, Ernest N. Jouriles, Renee McDonald, and Paul R. Swank. This research was supported by grant number 98–WT–VX–0005 from the National Institute of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice. (professional paper)
* Men are more likely to commit violent crimes. Why is this so and how do we change it? - by Rick Sarre, Andrew Day, Ben Livings, Catia Malvaso for The Conversation, re-published at The University of Melbourne, Australia
* Is domestic violence a violent crime? (Google Search and Google AI) - the answer? - yes, it is. 
* Narcissism and criminal behavior (Google Search and Google AI)
* An exploration of the link between narcissism, masochism, and crime in a post-incarcerated sample - by Hannah I. Piros , Amy Bauman  and Brendan Clark for Journal of the National Medical Association, Volume 115, Issue 5, October 2023, Pages 488-495, and Science Direct (professional paper)

* Physical abuse? - even more dangerous still.
* Rates of homicide in physical abuse (Google Search and Google AI)
* Danger Assessment - Women'sLaw.org
* Is pushing and shoving assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is shoving someone physical abuse? (Department of Justice USA)
* Is pushing and shoving abuse? (Government of Canada)
* Is throwing objects at you considered an assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is grabbing a hold of you considered assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is spitting on you considered assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* What to do if a child is punched in the stomach (Google Search and Google AI)
* Child Abuse - Mayo Clinic
* Definition of Domestic Violence (Government of Delaware, USA)
* Abuse Almost Always Escalates

Bad news: If you’re trapped in a cycle of abuse, it’s most likely going to only get worse - by Amanda Kippert for Domestic Shelters
excerts:
     ... While an abuser may say they “lost control” or “didn’t mean it” when their abuse escalates, that’s not true. Escalation is a choice abusers make when they feel like they’re losing control of the survivor or when they want to send a very clear message—they hold the power in the relationship. ... 
* Why would my boyfriend say he loves me but when he gets mad, he says mean things? - Quora question
* RECOMMENDED: How To Know If My Abusive Husband Is Changing – Claire’s Story

Learn how to safely observe if he's truly changing or if it's just more grooming and gaslighting. - Betrayal Trauma Recovery (a podcast, but by scrolling down, you can read the transcript)

* Any assaults to the face, head and neck - especially dangerous - can put you in imminent danger of losing your life, even. Includes slapping your face, digging fingernails, pushing your face, clawing your face or neck, touching your neck in an aggressive way, choking, punching, karate chopping at your head or neck, slamming your face or head into an object, pulling your head, kicking your head, face or neck, jerking your head to one side. 
* Assaults to the face head and neck in domestic violence (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is a slap across the face assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* How dangerous is strangulation? Domestic Violence and Strangulation…4 Facts and 4 Myths - by Sarah Swiston for Wings, Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence
excerpt: 
The odds of homicide increase 750% for victims that have been previously strangled by their partner. If an abuser has access to firearms, the odds of female homicide increase by 1,100%.
* Domestic Violence and Traumatic Brain Injury: The Chilling Truth of This Hits Home - American Brain Foundation, American Academy of Neurology 
* What are the most common injuries from domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI) - answer: head, neck and face
* Domestic violence, assaults to the head (Google Search and Google AI)
* Understanding Domestic Violence as a Cause of TBI - Brain Injury Association of America
* What to do after getting hit in the head? (Google Search and Google AI)

When you are in danger, often a number of these things are at play. Whether it's two of them or ten of them, it's still dangerous. Yes, some of them are more dangerous than others. But when I visit forums for battered women, most of them are surprised that their so-called lover was that violent, was that calloused about how the violence was effecting his victim(s), was that blind as to how "at fault" he was. 
     Most of these women are surprised that they ended up in the hospital with severe injuries that needed in-patient care. In other words, they didn't see it coming. And for a lot of them, only verbal abuse, or emotional abuse precluded this kind of violence.

Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are not to be taken for granted. 

FURTHER READING

The Psychology of Revenge (and Vengeful People)

When it comes to watching your back, hone in on narcissism and anger. - by Peg Streep, and reviewed by Matt Huston  for Psychology Today
excerpt:

     ... Not everyone is inclined to vengeance and some are much more inclined than others; additionally, certain emotions, such as anger, are much likely to up the possibility of revenge as well. People who set great store by their reputations, for example, are more likely to seek revenge if they feel they and their honor have been unfairly impugned. But the clear top-scorer on the vengefulness scale is the person high in narcissistic traits. Up next? The one high in neuroticism.

     The narcissist and revenge

     One study by Ryan P. Brown explored the link between lack of forgiveness and vengefulness; was being unforgiving a guarantee of revenge? It was true enough that people high in forgiveness were low in vengefulness, but being unforgiving per se didn’t predict vengefulness. The deciding factor? Narcissism. The people most hell-bent on revenge were both low in forgiveness and high in narcissistic traits.  ...

Narcissists = REVENGE-Seekers - Dr. Rhoberta Shaler for Help for Toxic Relationships (You Tube)

NOTE

I hope this post wasn't too link-heavy for you, but I thought the links were important to understand so that it wouldn't look like an opinion piece. 

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