Don't Narcissists Care About Hurting You?

 

"Mom Does Not Love. The Things Not Said"

Do narcissists care about hurting you? No. 

Is the reason why narcissists don't care about hurting you have to do with their lack of empathy? Yes.

Is the reason why narcissists dont care about hurting you have to do with their inability to form deep connections and sometimes prioritize your feelings over theirs? Yes.

Is the reason for narcissists' inability to have empathy for you have to do with atrophied parts of the brain, particularly the anterior insula and prefrontal cortex? Yes. 

When you feel distressed, do narcissists interpret your feelings as a nuisance for them? Yes (or a burden, an imposition, or inconvenience). What this link reveals is that your distress fails to trigger a comforting response from them, so you often feel alone with your feelings. What this link also reveals is that they can also respond with anger or invalidation to your pain. Common responses are also dismissal and minimization, blame and playing the victim so that your attention reverts to them. 

Do narcissists sometimes punish you for feeling hurt? Yes. Reasons why include feeling they are being criticized (narcissists are typically emotionally highly dysregulated, often with rage and indignation, when they feel they are being criticized resulting in narcissistic injury), a feeling that they are losing control of what you do, what you say and how you express yourself which can also trigger narcissistic rage in them, especially if they feel it is hurting their ego or challenging their superiority or ego-inflated narrative, and if you feel hurt because of something they did (because narcissists refuse to be held accountable for anything). 

What are types of punishments narcissists indulge in when you are feeling hurt by them? From the link: they escalate hurting you more as opposed to comforting you. They often stonewall or give you the silent treatment. They often gaslight and then blame-shift. They withold affection. They guilt-trip. They bait you to try to get you to react with anger or shame so that they can call you "the problem". 

What are types of punishments that malignant narcissists indulge in when you are feeling hurt by them? From the link: They often escalate abuse to regain dominance. They do the same kinds of things run-of-the-mill narcissists do, but they tend to be much more destructive, weaponizing everything they think they can to get you to get you to stop talking about being hurt by them. Escalating rage is common and dangerous in the hands of malignant narcissists.  

Do narcissists ever do double-takes later in terms of abusing you because you felt hurt by them? No. From the link: They are not capable of it because they do not make a point of being perceptive of your perspectives and why you might feel that way, plus they don't want to consider it because they find remorse and double takes as a weakness which would compromise their feelings of superiority. 

When you feel you can no longer tell a narcissist how you feel, working out resolutions is not possible. What that link reveals: meaningful dialogue about how you feel requires respect from the other person, and narcissists do not respect people who are hurt by them - they will not consider their own accountability, or any form of perspectve-taking to understand where you are coming from. You will get blame-shifting, lack of empathy, and a competition where the narcissist will make it clear that they have to win at controlling you and controlling the narrative, and that your being hurt by them is trying to control them to feel guilt, and a "flawed perspective" of their intentions, the former being another "gaslighting attempt". 

Do narcissists understand that they hurt others, even egregiously? Yes, but they just don't care, and they refuse to react to the harm they cause in a way that is helpful or healing. From the link: they justify hurting you. They put up defenses right away, failing to recognize or verbalize any harm they have caused you. They minimize the impact. They often tell you that you are "over-reacting" or are "too sensitive" or that "your perceptions are flawed" (a type of gaslighting). They may rewrite the narrative and blame you for being hurt by their actions. Some narcissists pretend at feeling remorse to hoover you or to get you from leaving, but most often they don't mean it. In fact, they refuse to feel any remorse if they feel they can get away with it, and instead of feeling remorse, they may escalate abusing you if they think you are trying to make them accountable. "You need to be punished", "the consequences are --" and naming something that will hurt you, threats to take something from you, would be signs, but that tends to be a malignant narcissist's or sociopath's way as run-of-the-mill narcissists are more careful not to label their punishments, threats, consequences, retaliations, abuses, rages, smear campaigns, discards and silent treatments as punishments, or desires to hurt you, so that they can deny they punished you or tried to hurt you at all if they want you back in the future - it is the ultimate gaslighting and hoovering trick: "Why would you ever think I'd want to punish you or hurt you!? Who do you think I am? You must be crazy to think that!"
   They have little to no capacity to respond in a healthy manner to you being hurt by them, and eventually discussing how they treat you becomes unproductive, if not dangerous for you.  What that link reveals: you are never likely to get an apology and any abuse, punishment or retaliation that you are receiving as it relates to them hurting you is likely to escalate. 

How do covert vulnerable narcissists act when you tell them they hurt you? What this link reveals: Covert vulnerable narcissists overreact to criticism to the point where even mild constructive feedback is perceived as a "humiliating, ego-shattering attack". They can also perceive a criticism as an "absolute rejection." However, most people don't know this because narcissists feel so free to criticize others. 
   How they deal with criticism is different from the way grandiose overt narcissists operate. So it becomes impossible to talk to covert vulnerable narcissists about the slightest hurt or issue you've received from them without severe consequences. Some of those consequences include the DARVO tactic, passive aggressive consequences like the silent treatment, deliberately feigning forgetfulness that it's your birthday or other holiday event, or deliberately slacking on promises they made to you, feigned helplessness, trying to make you totally responsible for their moods, attacks and well-being, feigned victimhood to avoid accountability, and guilt-tripping.
   Covert vulnerable narcissists operate from a victim mentality, and the more covert narcissists hurt you, the more they play the victim. This manipulation is to get you serving them, just as it is with all narcissists.
   The manipulation tends to work remarkably well, especially since most people are likely to get into "a rescue mode" and are empathetic. However, it does not work long term, especially as you begin to realize they use the victim card any time you have an issue with their behavior. It becomes more like "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" (seeing the manipulation behind claiming they are a victim). 
   However, they actually really do feel victimized in the moment when you have trouble with their behavior or put boundaries in place, however if they are highly critical of others, they don't believe they are doing any damage to the other person - or they believe it is justified, a pre-emptive self protection, or a justified retaliation for any resistance you may have to their control. 
   With malignant vulnerable narcissism, there tends to be a marked bully-victim cycle as well as a more sudden shift from "nice" to "punishing", from calm to blinding rage, more sadistic consequences for the slightest sense that you may be criticizing them or putting up a boundary, quite a bit more projection (blaming you for all of the sins they commit), and since many of them are violent, they can go from being violent towards you to victim stances ("Why don't you help me?", "Why don't you care about me?"). Malignant vulnerable narcissists can be dangerous.
   It can be hard to tell the difference between vulnerable narcissism from malignant vulnerable narcissism because they both act covertly, but the differences are spelled out HERE. The main way to tell the difference is that there is an element of cruelty, sadism and a definite punishing retaliatory mindset to the malignant type. At any rate, it can be exhausting trying to figure out what type they are without counseling or without researching the different types. If you feel they are trying to punish you or destroy you in some way (career, financially, self esteem, in belonging to a common famly or friendship group, or resorting to crimes to hurt you), you are probably dealing with the malignant type (and no, malignant narcissists do not, and cannot change - the chances for "genuine" change are extremely, extremely  low - if they attend therapy, they are likely to revert back to the way they were before with new tools for more destructive behavior).
   Therefore, talking to any form of covert narcissist about anything interpersonal does not make sense, and especially talking about how you feel, or how they have hurt you. We do make mistakes sometimes because we don't always know we are talking to narcissists, but if you get a strong reaction and a victim mentality, you can usually make a bet it is due to covert vulnerable narcissism or malignant vulnerable narcissism, and decide how you will discuss things going forward. 

If a narcissist cannot hear you or treat you with respect after hurting you, who do you talk to? What the link reveals: Mental health practitioners, specialized support groups, trusted friends or family members. 

Is the only thing that keeps narcissists from hurting you more is their image and reputation? Yes, but it is not the only thing that holds them back. What that link reveals: Image and reputation management often come first and are part of every narcissist's obsession, but they also don't like losing the steady stream of narcissistic supply and the role you supply. If they hurt you too much, they realize they will lose you and the control of what you say and reveal about them, and since they are terrified of shame and the exposure of their abusive rageful side, they often opt to not go too far into hurting you. For some narcissists, fear of legal and financial repurcussions can also be part of the picture. 
   Having hesitations about hurting you is not part of a sociopath's make up however, so if they deeply and swiftly escalate hurting you, they are likely to have some Antipersonality Disorder traits. And note: narcissists can go sociopathic, especially if they are deeply enabled by others. One way you tell if you are dealing with a malignant narcissist (a person with both narcissistic and socopathic traits) is that they get narcissistic supply out of raging, frightening, and threatening you, and they tend to show sadism in either speech or deeds. They also let you know they hate you and that you deserve the worst treatment if you do not follow their orders. 
   In other words, be careful, as not all people who show the major traits of narcissism hold back on hurting you, especially if they feel their reputation, as well as the control and domination they have over you, is at stake. 

Narcissists don't care if they hurt their children either, right? Right. What that link reveals:
   Some of the hurt they cause to their children is intentional, and some of it is unintentional. The unintentional hurt they cause comes from being unempathetic, extremely self centered, and egocentric.
   Affection is given as a reward for compliance, and not for who the child is.
   Children feel they are only loved when they perform duties for their narcissistic parent.
   Narcissists will still balk at accountability when their child is hurt, and the narcissistic parent will still alter reality (gaslight their child), blame-shift, mock or rage at the child for being hurt.
   This often means that a child's safety, emotional needs and a child's milestones and accomplishments are often ignored unless the parent can use the milestones and accomplishments to make themselves look good and infallible to others.
   The consequence for a child being parented by a narcissist is that they often feel their feelings and emotions are invisible to their parent, and that they must sacrifice these parts of themselves to serve to their parent. What this link reveals: children often try hard to suppress their emotions and authentic selves, or adopt a "false self" to feel safe with their parent. Note: adopting a false self or mirroring the narcissist's opinions, abuse tactics, ways of relating, and prejudices can create narcissism in the child.
   Children also often adopt hypervigilence and fawning to keep safe.
   They also often feel trauma bonded with their parent too.
   Chronic attempts to reach the parent's perfection standards in deeds and emotions causes deep anxiety, and if they find they can never please their parent, they can develop CPTSD. Once a child develops CPTSD, suppressing emotional expression effects the nervous system and can produce either dysregulated emotions ("emotional storms"), living with emotions alone, dissociation, or emotional numbing (unreactive). 

How about narcissistic leaders of nations? Do they care if they hurt their own populace and the populations of other nations? Not really. What that link reveals: They look at it as "a necessary byproduct or collateral damage in the pursuit of their personal goals." 

How about if you tell a narcissist that it won't make your relationship better to punish you? Will they think about what you said? No. What that link reveals: It will rarely lead to changed behavior or self reflection. They typically believe you need to do the self reflecting, and changed your behavior because they look at themselves as the superior in most relationships (i.e. the one who controls, dominates, is in charge of telling you what to do, and defining what the relationship is and what they determine are your responsibilities towards them to them, and any deviation from that is looked upon by them as "your moments of insanity or incompetence" or insubordination).
   They are not out to build a healthy relationship. They are out to control you, and if you tell them that they will make the relationship worse by punishing you, and the trust you have in them disappear, they will use what they know about you in this regard to inflict more pain. 

If you ask the narcissist kindly not to punish you or hurt you, what do they usually do? What that link reveals: they rarely stop the behavior. Instead they view your request as a vulnerability and will generally use DARVO and gaslighting tactics, plus increase the punishments (they look at the request as a boundary you are trying to set with them, and it can lead to narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury, as they feel entitled to control you - as in the scene above, the superiority complex they have assumes that they have a right to control you and dominate your decisions, even about personal boundaries).
   Obviously this can be a major issue for us if they are a malignant narcissist who is a domestic violence offender, a criminal narcissist, a paranoid narcissist who believes everyone is out to either compete with them or hurt them, and narcissists in public offices. 

What do narcissists think they get or achieve when they hurt other people? What that link reveals: They hurt other people to regain or maintain control of you, and to restore their self esteem.
   However, psychologists Dr. Ramani Durvasula and Dr. Les Carter have remarked in their videos that they hurt you to make themselves feel they are better than you, that by making you feel worse, they feel better in comparison. Narcissists are always in some sort of competitive frame of mind, so if they feel better than you do, even if they had a hand in making you feel worse, they feel they have won a "happiness competition". This is also referred to in psychology circles as a "zero sum game". 

Do narcissists ever put in the effort to stop hurting others? It is extremely rare, so no, on the whole they do not. What that link reveals: If they try, it's never really a genuine and sustained effort. They have litlle motivation to change because of their defense mechanisms, lack of emotional empathy, and because they are often deeply enabled by people around them. They also believe they will always get their own way, and that they have the upper hand in most situations. 

Does a narcissist hurt a lot of people during their life? Yes. What that link reveals in terms of who gets hurt the most: romantic partners and spouses, their children, their siblings, and their co-workers. Most narcissists know they cause pain and distress to others, but their makeup is such that they almost always prioritize their own satisfactions and desires over the well-being of others. 

Is it wise to try to leave narcissists who punish you for feeling hurt by them? Yes. What that link reveals: Even though narcissists cannot communicate about issues regarding their hurting or abusing others without resorting to negative reactions like rage and punishing (narcissists know they hurt others, but they aren't in the habit of ever admitting it), leaving narcissists over issues like this can present dangers.
   Initiating a split takes careful planning (I usually suggest domestic violence services to assess the dangers of the particlar person you are trying to leave, like whether they are the malignant brand, and the types of things you should take with you when you leave, as every person's situation is different). Narcissists can't even admit to themselves that they drove you away because you were continually hurt by them, instead resorting to smear campaigns like: "She left because she's crazy and a constant basket case", or "He left because he's selfish and never cared how I felt" (which is a type of DARVO), or "She left because I got tired of listening to her problems". They will never recognize the pain they caused you verbally, but if you return, they will punish you for leaving over the pain you felt (image preservation takes precedence). In other words, they thought you should "shut up and endure the pain without complaint". 

How about when it comes to narcissists feeling pain over something you did? Do they expect you to care about causing them pain when they don't care about causing you pain? Quote from Google AI: "Yes, narcissists expect you to care about their pain while ignoring yours."  Another quote from the same article: "They often demand that you prioritize their feelings, validate their struggles, and comfort their distress while giving up your own." - says it all.

After I came across the answer to the last question, I personally am done with this section, but you are free to pursue your own questions.

SOME FURTHER REPERCUSSIONS OF
NARCISSISTS NOT CARING IF THEY HURT OTHERS
APART TO WHAT IT DOES TO THEIR REPUTATION
AND THEIR ABILITY TO OBTAIN POSITIVE FORMS OF
NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY

What I have written in the previous section mainly has to do with narcisists in relationships with spouses, partners, and children, but when we take this into other types of human-to-human contact, it presents a serious problem. For instance:

* Let us say that a narcissistic person causes a serious car accident. They may not care enough about the occupants of the other car enough to call an ambulance. They may instead, be focused on trying to make the accident appear to law enforcement to be the occupants of the other car their fault entirely.  

* Another situation: A narcissist with sociopathic traits (a malignant narcissist) rises to power and starts an invasion of a neighboring country. Since he does not care about hurting other people, and since with the sociopathic traits he doesn't particularly care what it does to his reputation either, he commits war crimes by killing civilians, even children and babies. 
   However, he does care a great deal if people want to hurt him, so he kills people who he fantasizes want to kill him.
   He has a bunker built that he and his comrades can hide in. Eventually, the war ends because there are too many casualties and soldiers either defect to the other side or march home despite what some of their commanders tell them to do. In fact, even the commanders are marching home, refusing to fight for the malignant narcissist. 
   Most of the public wants the malignant narcissist out of power. When he is caught in his bunker, he cries for mercy. 

* Another manifestation: A narcissistic person in the heat of an argument kills his mate in a rage. He didn't mean to kill her. He just wanted to hurt her (and frankly, he went too far in hurting her because his narcissism means he doesn't care if he hurts her). 
   He feels persecuted when a judge holds him accountable. 

Narcissists aren't just bad for their mates and families. They can be parasitic in society. 

FURTHER READING:

Do Narcissists Feel Guilty About Abusing Loved Ones?

It can be hard for people to realize how shallow narcissistic love is. - by Elinor Greenberg for Psychology Today

3 Phrases Narcissistic Partners Use During Conflicts

Words that let them withhold empathy, inflict guilt, and shift blame. - by Erin Leonard, Ph.D., for Psychology Today

SOME VIDEOS ON THIS TOPIC:

Do narcissists know they hurt you? - by psychologist, Dr. Ramani (You Tube)

Proof narcissists KNOW their behavior is unacceptable - by psychologist, Dr. Ramani (You Tube)

Unbound: Why Narcissists Need to Hurt You - by psychologist, Les Carter for Surviving Narcissism (You Tube)

The next two videos are from a Facebook public account (called "No More Narcissists"), and require you to sign into Facebook to see them, but they explain a lot of the issues you will encounter succinctly: 

4 Reasons Why Narcissists Feel Nothing After Hurting You

5 Insane Behaviors That Instantly Identify a Narcissist

FOUND ON FACEBOOK: