When narcissists pit children against each other to compete for the parent's affection, validation and resources, the outcome has already been decided. It's not like this parent is thinking really hard about who should win each competition they set up, who should come first, who should get more affection and who should be shamed and shunned.
They put children in roles, usually at least by age four (at the latest - but I'd say that two year olds present the biggest challenge to a narcisistic parent because two year olds start being head-strong, exploratory and they wander off in ways that can be seen to be adverse to such a parent, and also there isn't the kind of "transactional relationship" that narcissists crave and often demand that can be extracted from a two year old, plus there is very little narcissistic supply you can get out of a two year old). So I'd say that is when it starts for a large number of narcissists.
In some narcissistic families roles are sometimes based on the sex of individuals, or the "perceived strength" and "power" of an individual "the child who appears most 'acceptable' to others, the most capable looking, the kid who is deemed to grow up to be the most accomplished, the kid who will make the parent 'look good', the kid who is more even-tempered or unreactive when provoked" ...
Anyway, it is these roles that decide the outcome: "the golden child can do 'no wrong'; the golden child can think 'no wrong'; the golden child 'comes first and is always best'". Then the attitude towards the scapegoat is "they 'can't do anything right', they can't 'think clearly and are inept in their thinking style or they are bat-sh*t crazy', and therefor the scapegoat must 'always be last', in importance, in getting affection, care, or family resources, or attention."
Narcissists feel they absolutely need, and they constantly crave "narcissistic supply" which is a fancy way of saying attention, importance, admiration, envy, respect, devotion, being able to control you and others in any and every situation, being the absolute center of attention, getting what they think they are entitled to get, getting people angry, getting people upset, getting 'the best transaction out of their children'."
And how do they get this out of their own children? - by setting up competitions between their children. A golden child can be bashing the hell out of a scapegoat sibling, and it often is met with cold indifference because the important thing to them is "They are fighting over me! How sweet!" - and by the way, that link is worth exploring.
And what makes this dynamic "double trouble" is that narcissists don't have the empathy to feel anything different.
Narcissists often need both positive narcissistic supply and negative narcissistic supply to tell themselves that they matter to other people.
Because the golden child is treated like gold, and wins these dreadful competitions over and over again, he's very likely to provide the narcissist with positive narcissistic supply: praise for the parent to get praise from the parent, affection for the parent in order to get affection from the parent, attention to every word the narcissist says in return for positive attention from the parent. And some golden children will do anything for the parent's approval in return for the parent's approval of them, allowing the parent to control them in return for even more approval. The darker side of this is that when the parent insists that the child ignore or bully a sibling or the other parent, or to disparage a sibling or other parent, the golden child may go along with it to keep receiving affection, accoldaes, prizes, attention, and loyalty from the narcissistic parent. It can get him the best kind of transaction from the parent, and the parent can get the best transaction from the child as well, and keeps other siblings from being rewarded, or even noticed much.
And because the scapegoat is treated like crap unless the "golden child has fallen off the narcissistic parent's imaginary pedastal", the parent is likely to get a constant flow of negative narcissistic supply out of the scapegoat. Narcissists crave as much negative narcissistic supply as they do positive narcissistic supply. They feel it is an "existential threat" to them if they lose, or are without. narcissistic supply. We only have to look to despotic world dictators with a lot of narcissistic traits to see that they crave this: doing invasions, breaking international laws by killing civilians and bombing their homes and communities, doing everything they can to get others to capitulate to their demands, getting positive narcissistic supply from some countrymen, and other dictators or would-be-dictators, for appearing invincible and audacious.
Most narcissists also take wild chances to keep the attention on themselves, much of it impulsively driven.
If they are malignant narcissists, which most despotic tyrants usually are, they get off on the suffering of others because it shows them that they can affect others negatively, and get what they want, and it's powerful narcissistic supply for them too ("I can make other people suffer so much; they have to think about me all of the time; and they will eventually capitulate to my great and invincible power, and be punished for defying me").
So what is negative narcissistic supply? Tears, fear, heartbreak, resistance from being controlled (especially if the narcissist targets those they see as too weak, disabled or ill to fight back - which they usually do), and singling out a scapegoat for narcissistic rage and prejudice. If necessary, they seek assistance from all family members and others so that they gain no resistance to their aggressions against the scapegoat.
WARNING: When people turn a blind eye to what the narcissist is doing, and validate, enable and enforce the narcissist for abusing, raging and scapegoating, even if the narcissist uses false narratives to achieve those ends, unless the scapegoat can escape, these acts will tend to escalate.
Part of negative narcissistic supply is also baiting the scapegoat to get angry.
Trying to get the scapegoat to feel fear is also part of negative narcissistic supply. And what do they want scapegoats to feel afraid of? Threats. Punishments. Being invalidated, proved unworthy of listening to or deserving of affection. The "absolute power" of the narcissistic parent to do anything they want to the scapegoat, including damaging outcomes. Of being excommunicated or shunned from the family. Of being "canceled out" and "threatened into renouncing their own autonomy to put the parent's needs and feelings first always". The absolute loss of autonomy. Being continually controlled and abused. Being mocked, degraded, and laughed at for the narcissist's family entertainment. Being isolated from any authentic affection, friends, caring family members, and belonging (i.e. total entrapment). Fear of the narcissist's smear campaigns. Getting others to withdraw any kind of authentic love, support or understanding of the scapegoat's plight (the narcissistic parent decides what kind of affection and attention a scapegoat is to receive from others, if any).
With malignant narcissists it can mean fear that they will launch a home invasion, stalk, steal from them, have things they've made or deeply valued destroyed. Having one's children and spouse turned against them. Fear of physical harm, and often fear of "their presence" in their life. Fear of them "intruding" in their life in some way, or knocking on the door, or "retaliating" in ways that will cause deep pain.
Note: The reason why narcissists want their scapegoats afraid of them and in pain is to get an internal surge of power which translates into a big dopamine high for them, but also to get the scapegoat to capitulate to being at fault.
Also note: Most scapegoats want a malignant narcissist out of their life instead because of the destruction they cause. It's just a matter of time until the destruction comes out.
When a narcissistic parent has at least two children, they are probably getting all of the positive and negative narcissistic supply that they crave (at least in terms of what children are capable of giving). They see this dual narcissistic supply as regulating their own self esteem, moods, and their feelings of "being great and superior to others".
* They don't feel empathy (they have cognitive empathy, i.e. realize someone is upset, and may feel remorse over it if they think it will ruin their public standing or feelings of superiority in their narcissistic supply's eyes). Lack of affective empathy in narcissists is a brain issue, but also narcissists really don't want to know what other people go through or are feeling unless it concerns their ego.
* They tend to think in black and white terms called "splitting": this means that the "golden child" will often be looked at as "all good, all of the time" and the scapegoat will be looked as "all bad, all of the time".
* Narcissists have an extreme form of confirmation bias and rarely investigate anything, and tend to go with their own opinions about events and judgements about others.
* Narcissists tend to project all of their own good qualities on to the golden child, and all of their own bad qualities on to the scapegoat. They rarely, if ever, try to put themselves in the shoes of others to understand their perspectives, or investigate, so they rarely have perspectives about others that change.
* Narcissists tend to be prejudiced, especially about their scapegoats.
* They pressure other people to alter reality so that the narcissist can avoid accountability for their actions, and to assure themselves that they are always in charge of how others speak, and of the narrative. ... (another link)
* Narcissists only appreciate scapegoats in terms of avoiding responsibilities for their own faults and flaws and to transfer the blame to the scapegoat. Once a scapegoat is no longer useful to them in this way, they generally discard the scapegoat.
* Scapegoat children are rarely appreciated, or even understood, but narcissists often try to entrap them so that they can have the narrative that the scapegoat is always at fault and to get the negative narcissistic they crave.
If you are a scapegoat and don't want to be someone's negative narcissistic supply any more, or are really sick and tired of giving any part of supply to them at all (and getting hypervigilant symptoms), you can choose to leave. Most scapegoats leave their narcissistic families anyway, this day and age or they are discarded for not staying in role.
Many people who are being abused in family and domestic situations seek out help from domestic violence centers to talk about how to leave safely and with enough resources to ensure survival, and to be able to "move beyond" the narcissistic family system. And by the way, "emotional abuse" counts as domestic violence at most domestic violence shelters and centers.
Other solutions aren't great, but you can always try gray-rocking, Jade and DEEP methods if you feel they might work enough while you consider alternatives to your life within or without the narcissistic family system.
Note: I recommend this following video by Jerry Wise, but some of your reactions may be different from what he states.
For instance, when I left a narcissistic system, I didn't feel guilt (what he says you can feel) as much as panic: heart racing, feeling I had to live up to my usual role in order to avoid the consequences of narcissistic punishments at a super challenging time in my life (explanation below).
I was used to trying to "regulate" narcissists, or at least "dodge and weave" the worst ones, and in a lot of ways programmed to do it (my intention of writing this little story is for the sake of differences with some of Jerry Wise's assertions, not to expose any particular narcissists, and I do keep them anonymous in this post).
Anyway, I was re-wording events so they didn't sound like "they'd be threats to a narcissist's ego" - yea, I know the job that keeps on giving you more jobs ... calming them down, or taking words back to re-word, and re-explain, and re-explain again. I thought I could slowly ease the situation and make things more clear, and, as most of us do when we feel we have to - explaining, explaining, explaining (most often to deaf ears), but also doing my best to keep to the reality of events too, and not just give into narcissistic denials and fantasies about what was happening.
So when the narcissists went off the rails after I pulled away for good reasons (medical crises at home, an accident of a loved one, and a host of other dire issues that would normally take precedence in anyone's life), I decided my attention should be on the more calamatous issues than being a regulator for a small ego issue. And to me, it was exceptionally small, but probably not to them as they were used to every ego issue being stroked by someone in their circle.
I called it "the princess and the pea syndome" at the time.
However, I did find myself in what little downtime I had, internally wrestling with the narcissist's issue. Sometimes it was all I could do to stop myself from being Ms. Regulator or Ms. Explainer for the umpteenth time, but I didn't: taking myself out of the other crises would not have been wise, responsible, reasonable, loving, or compassionate of me.
The inattention to the narcissist's ego made the narcissist have an ego-tantrum and breakdown.
When trying to explain, yet again, I was surprised that they took the Ms. Explainer role that I had always had, away. For the first time, they didn't want to hear explanations, so I was taken out of that job altogether, and the result is that I no longer had much to say (experienced as part relief, part injustice - it's possible to feel two things at once that are somewhat opposites). And frankly, I thought silencing me was pretty bad form, like only they get to talk? No, I wasn't having it, or the fantasies they were trying to re-invent around the issues between us.
Jerry Wise in the video also talks about how this kind of silence can feel "unsettling", and induce a "guilt-ridden state", however for me, it was just the opposite because I was exhausted from at least two years of non-stop crises. Rescuing the narcissist from some ego crisis, but "in silence" this time, was no longer my job as I saw it - or a job I knew how to do "in silence", or a job I wanted to do "in silence". Over time I felt their whole issue around their ego was bogus, a "power and control move" to get me to accept a lie, or force a lie on me, and I felt some shame that I ever thought "It was my job to fix an ego crash" and that "I had to do it, or else!" instead. No, I didn't need to be their rescuer.
I also had the realization that "they never rescued anyone else's ego; if anything they blasted people with too many criticisms."
I think usually when someone is trying to twist the truth, and when they don't want to hear what you have to say, and where the issue is silly (like regulating an ego should come first over the large load of "real crises" that I was carrying) wipes out the guilt. If there was a potential for guilt, the load I was dealing with didn't allow it.
If anything, I felt irritated that they wanted attention at a time like that. But narcissists and their fragile egos must come first for them as we all know!
And it is this thought that I ruminated on in the silence they imposed on me. I was exhausted taking on the role, and it was screaming "unethical" besides. And why shouldn't they be accountable for things they've done; why is it always up to someone else, or a group of members, to make it seem that they aren't? "Oh, you're perfect! You would never do that, would you?" - it's like trying to fulfill a childhood fantasy they never did anything wrong. Why go on with this charade at all!? Why not just tell them they are accountable, period, and let the chips fall where they may? Why does absolutely everyone around them have to deny the truth, or a flaw, or a fault, to make life easier for them, make reality more palatable for them, make explanations and words more palatable, or try to dodge and sway on issues for fear of enduring more rages and the awful consequences of their retaliations and punishments? They have no problem pointing out everyone else's flaws, so they should be able to take what they dish out, right?
Wrong (maybe, in the sense that it brings out more ire in them ... most psychologists who specialize in narcissistic abuse suggest that instead of pointing out these inconsistencies and hypocrisies, that pulling away more, putting even more distance between you, a lot more boundaries, and more silence is better than saying anything to them). Anyway, it was "a mistake", or "an experiement gone awry" more likely in the sense that the head narcissist put me through "a punishment" much more severe and a lot more immoral than I thought they would, and even the panic I felt of being out of role went away, as protecting myself from them took priority.
I think I also miscalculated what kind of narcissist they were (perhaps more dark triad than merely covert).
Then I learned of their smear campaigns. It made the separaton much easier, as they were also vindictive with the craziest false stories I ever heard about myself. That produced disgust and alarm - it further wiped out any feelings of guilt.
And it also wiped out hope. Before this series of events, I thought, with enough time, they'd come to their senses, see some of my perspectives, do some double-takes, the normal things that most people do.
But when getting advice on this whole issue from a series of professionals, they said it would be a miracle if it ever happened. "The narcissistic mind is stuck in a pretty severe form of confirmation bias" they said, and the only thing they will accept is total agreement with them and their perspectives, and most people can't do that after awhile. Sometimes it's even dangerous to do so, like if they have a co-bully who wants to hurt you. That's why they leave a trail of broken relationships, with broken down communications, and why they always have to look for ever more narcissistic supply. And it's not that they are just stubborn with their confirmation bias, they actually think their perspectives are superior to yours and everyone else's no matter how far from reality they get. They have to believe that they are great and that you have to worship their perspectives and decisions, and if you doubt them, they can start to feel their reputation is at stake, and then they feel an enormous amount of rage. And rage is what gives them a temporary sense of power again, that they can affect people that way. Then the vindictiveness inside of them takes over producing another "power feeling". Then they'll try to punish you and scare you to death - another way they compensate for an ego crash.
The fact that it happened in this way made it clear they were right, and made any potential hope disappear, and certainly any potential guilt I might have.
The audacious feelings they have at being held accountable for issues (when they actually are accountable) should be a child's full time anxiety ridden job to fix? Hell no!
And having a child in your life does make that seem like an evil expectation.
It resembles "snowplow parenting" where the parent removes every obstacle a child faces, where even any discomfort of emotion is cleared away, except it is in reverse, where the child clears out every uncomfortable feeling, every challenge to their parent's ego, every blockade to their lust for more power and control, and with scapegoats, doing it while still trying to retain the truth, and what ever the narcissist can stand as the truth. It's a degrading job, not meant for any child. Maybe it should be called "snowplow childrening", although it is certainly parentifying, a very sick version of it.
The rest of what he says, I think, is relevant, that being without the role, and knowing the smear campaigns afterwards are just the same desperate falsehoods needed by them to make you appear accountable and themselves appear unaccountable. They apparently also have to add in more false stories than ever and make you into a more pronounced villian than before. Icky.
And it is this feeling of "icky" that made me stop the role, and want to find out who I really was without their constant approvals and disapprovals, and judgements of others in general (in my experience, narcissists judge all kinds of people, and not in nice ways, throughout the day, or every minute of the day depending on what kind of narcissist they are). And that's hell to be around.
Their judgements tend to be so wrong too because with that many judgements, and that much negativity put into their judgements, most of them are bound to be wrong. It's not like they investigate, or want to listen to anyone, or want to understand anyone, or want to put themselves in other people's shoes, so it's "just opinions". And opinions don't mean much, or have much weight. They certainly aren't like facts and never will be.
We know how world tyrants come to conclusions about others. It's very much like that.
So once you are out of role, and not just a defender, or a person who "smooths things over", or "the reasonable un-prejudiced voice", or a fixer, or "an endless explainer", there is an identity crisis you face for sure. But I'd bet some of that unprejudiced voice that scapegoats have, the fixer, and defender of minority issues is just re-routed into "societal causes" you feel should be addressed. It also feels wonderful to get to know oneself on one's own terms and through other people besides narcissists, especially the creatives of the world, the empaths, the people who love all "god's creatures" including children and the care-takers of animals, the functional families who try to work out conflicts than to throw blame around and vilify the truth and a sole member, the self-aware, our partners if we are happily married, and the positive people with "authentic integrity" in our lives.
Now to the video:
by Jerry Wise,
(recommended by Dr. Les Carter):
FOUND ON FACEBOOK:
