This post is part of a series. Here are the posts for the series:
1. A Neuroscience Video on Brain Studies of People with Clinically Diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Brain Studies on Veterans and Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
2. the post you are reading now: How the Reports on Brain Studies of Narcissists Effected How I Looked at Narcissistic Abuse, and My Ability to Go Forward Studying Narcissism. Includes a Discussion About Power. (part II)
3. to come soon: How the Reports on Brain Studies of Individuals With PTSD Effected How I Looked at PTSD and Some Studies About How Narcissists and People With PTSD Relate to One Another (part III)
In my last post which was about neuroscience studies of the brain of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as some other information on brain studies in terms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, particularly when it comes to soldiers who have fought on a battlefield and ended up with with either PTSD or C-PTSD, and women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse and ended up with either PTSD from a one time incident, or C-PTSD from multiple or prolonged incidents, I've been a bit stunned by that information.
Instead of going over what was written in that post, I would rather you went to that post yourself before you read this post to understand what is being said.
In this post, I will discuss how the studies affected me personally and in my writing, and some questions and brain-storming about how to deal with people (methods) with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder going forward.
For the sake of not having to spell out "people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder", I prefer to use the term "NPDers". For the sake of making brevity out of "people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", I prefer to use the term "PTSDers".
Possibly most of the things we feel frustrated about when we talk to NPDers can largely be attributed to how their brains function. Some of those are these:
Their lack of empathy. With the exception of children, and possible teenagers, and to a very small extent, people in their early twenties, this won't change. Even if we give them loads of empathy, they cannot return the empathy because it is missing in them. That part of their brain cannot be repaired. And it seems very likely that if you give an NPDer more power, or give into what they demand, or what they threaten, or bend under their torture and abuse (for NPDers who have Antisocial Personality Disorder mixed in the narcissism), it's bound to kill what ever tiny amount of empathy they have left. This is because of the studies that have been done when it comes power: too much power will always result in less empathy.
And too much wealth is likely to do the same thing.
If they have alcohol use disorder in addition to NPD, that can shrink parts of the brain that are essential for empathy too.
Furthermore, it can do even more damage to the anterior insula, the part of the brain that is already significantly atrophied in NPDers to cause very little to no empathetic responses when others experience pain or emotional distress (again, read my previous post about that if you want to know what I'm talking about).
Also, once narcissists achieve great amounts of power and wealth, they use their power to seek more of it. They probably don't know what to do with power as seeking more power with the power that they have already achieved is all that they have done with their lives. In other words, power with domination is all that really matters to them. If their power comes with a great deal of wealth, they may pamper themselves more, get servants, get paid pamperers to do more pampering of them, get more sexual partners to prove to themselves that they can get any sexually oriented narcissistic supply that they want, put taking care of their bodies first to have ever-lasting enjoyment of wealth and power, and ever more sycophants to fulfill their needs and exploitations, but aside from that, you're probably only going to get policies which greatly benefit them and their enablers.
Most everything else is still going to be dictated by their personality disorder: exploiting situations and people, and trying to get rid of people who complain or criticize them about their policies, which to them is often interpreted to mean complaining or criticizing them about their power.
But what if society and how most of us related to narcissists changed from the way we related to them now .... I get to that further in the post.
Power, with control and domination, is really all that matters to most of them. The drooling over it is pretty sickening to the rest of us, in terms of how much they want of it, especially if they already have plenty of it and are using it to abuse or to be cruel. I don't know why most of them are so obsessed with this since it isn't necessarily the path to happiness and fulfillment, and it isn't something that can be explained in terms of their brains, or even brain atrophy, but a wild guess is that they don't have much else going for them in terms of relating to people, so they choose a path of least resistance, and viola: getting people to admire them through a false front or persona is what works, and then getting people to do things for them by pretending to be a victim works too. From there, it may not be difficult to build on power and increase power as they go along.
Again, this is conjecture. I can't imagine how they achieve power and the ability to manipulate situations otherwise. Perhaps the bulk of them are also from wealthy families too where a constant source of money greases the way into getting the kind of attention that would bring them more power.
But to take a stab at the lack of empathy ... like what does a narcissist do with a lack of empathy except feel really uncomfortable in social situations? Everyone else seems empathetic, and the shame starts bubbling up because they're not feeling it, and narcissists will do just about anything to ward off shame, so they pretend to have empathy so they can be part of the social interactions. Some narcissists get into thoughts like: "Everyone fakes empathy. As soon as they are done pretending they care about one another, they go back home, have a few laughs, and never think about it again." Not all of them think this way, but maybe as many as half do. You can look this up yourself in forums for narcissists. Or head over to Jason Skidmore's channel (The Nameless Narcissist). And by the way, he was diagnosed with a mild form of NPD. *shudders*
Anyway, isn't this what we see in politics when we elect people who are already very powerful and wealthy, and who are displaying narcissistic and malignant narcissistic traits?
Even in close personal relationships, giving narcissists more power over you seems like an ill-fated, very bad decision that will mean quite a bit less empathetic responses from them when it concerns you, if not continuing more atrophy in parts of their brain.
Having no empathy comes down to more reptilian-ism. Thus: the cold, non-affectionate unconcerned responses when you are in pain, even a great deal of pain. And since they pretend at pain and victim-hood themselves to get people engaging with them and pampering them, they probably think we are like them. In fact, they do think we're like them - that's also part of what the brain studies reveal. There is very little that they can do to get themselves out of "only perceiving what they are going through" to begin to listen, absorb, let alone care what others are going through. That's a pretty major emotional disability.
So, knowing that this is all a brain matter in them, and not so much a choice (or it is a choice that they either abandoned in childhood or adolescence, or were shown to be of not much use to them by another narcissist, or perhaps something else altogether), it means that it is a fixed trait in them. The anterior insula has atrophied and that particular region cannot come back. Unlike the PTSDer, it's not even compensated for through in other parts of the brain.
It's gone.
It's good to be aware that this is the reality instead of banging our heads against the wall, asking them to be more empathetic. They can't be.
And do we want their fake empathy instead, which is what they do to compensate for the lack of it? I'd say definitely not. In fact I'd rather them come out and say things like, "I love my golden child so much more than my scapegoat child because he gives me such good positive narcissistic supply. I reward him for it and then he gives me more! My scapegoat seems useless in that department!" It would be shocking to most people these days, very shocking, but maybe it could be normalized eventually so that people would get used to it as a truth for them, and then figure out what societal approaches to take in terms of parents trying to turn children into narcissistic supply.
Maybe there could be adoption agencies for scapegoated children? Or after-school programs for scapegoats so that they can succeed since most of them get fewer family resources than their siblings and hardly ever get an inheritance?
And perhaps we'd be more inclined to stop abandoning NPDs if we knew the truth from the get-go. Abandonment of NPDers is very high for the younger generations. And for many of them, it is NPD they are running away from, going more and more silent with a parent, until the estrangement is complete. So much is published about NPD now, that they can figure out if they have an NPD parent usually by the time they enter high school if there is a computer in the house. You can look up favoritism and find out that if negatively expressed is primarily an NPD trait. You can find that gaslighting is primarily an NPD trait. Same with arrogance. Same with rage. Same with power and control. Same with going on rage bender when criticized. The silent treatment is now being attributed to Dark Triad individuals, but Dark Triads are part-NPD. And when you add it all together and go to a therapist, they are probably going to suggest no-contact. So going no-contact is happening more and more in families and in society in general. For Gen Z around 27 percent have gone no-contact.
Granted some Gen Zers are just going with the flow (peer pressure), but some of them are genuinely fed up with NPD, especially NPDs who are into power trips who feel compelled to control others, and hurt them in order to control. Considering NPD traits don't change, and that many NPDers are abusive, it is understandable why NPDers are being walked out on.
It's possible that going no-contact will wipe out NPD proclivities, especially if NPD was a choice, but if it is a brain matter? They will have to figure out what to do with their NPD traits at the very least. Probably many of them will feel they have to hide them a lot better than they used to, to wear a mask of full time NPD charm, which I imagine would be hard for them, if they don't want most people running away from them.
Even in work places, tolerating gossip is not cool any more, whereas The Silent Generation seemed to "take a bath in it" (at least in my world). This makes it a problem for NPDers who want power and popularity in work places. They are probably not going to get it by "talking trash" about other people any more.
So how should we proceed with the brain matter?
Should NPDers just do the opposite and tell the truth instead of feeling compelled to hide all of the traits of their disorder? Would that help anyone?
How would you feel if the following truth was told? "I'm sorry. I can't feel your pain because I have no empathy. I haven't felt any empathy since I was seven years old." Wouldn't we do the respectful thing, as we do with other disabled people, and not seek empathy from them, not burden them with our pain, our feelings and thoughts? Maybe talking about gray rock subjects really is much better for them and for us. Maybe they'd be more humble too, admitting to a disability.
While it does limit a relationship a great deal especially for those of us who put great value in empathy, especially in close personal relationships. NPDs might seek other NPDs to be their closest friends. Maybe even the power battles could be exclusive to their relationships with other NPDs.
Empathy is what most of us feel sets us apart from many in the animal kingdom, and it's going to be what is highly valued among other empaths, but if honesty were allowed to prevail, perhaps we could accommodate their disabilities in some way.
You wouldn't ask a person in a wheel chair to play basketball with you unless some drastic compromises and compensations were made where he or she could reach the basket, or where it was a different game altogether.
Likewise, why frustrate the hell out of oneself and them explaining your point of view. Again, their inability to understand, to know what you mean, to get outside their own perspectives enough to stop projecting isn't going to happen. Especially (most likely) for narcissists older than their early twenties. What would be the matter with honesty here too?: "I'm a narcissist, and I'm not going to understand you much, if at all. I'm too liable to go into a state of projection. I'm not going to have empathy for you either. I'm not the best person to talk to about emotional subjects, or injuries that you've had, especially if you need caring responses from me. I can talk about other things, however."
The fact is that they wear masks now, taking up different personas to come across as people who are something other than who they really are, pretending to be people who are not disabled in this much of a profound way is more of a horror show, traumatizing as all get-out, when the mask slips and you find out they are not empathetic, not loving, not emotionally regulated (i.e. rage-a-holics), not emotionally attached to you except in terms of the narcissistic supply you dish out to them, not comforting, not stable, addicted to positive and most importantly negative narcissistic supply, and some of them are even addicted to scapegoating. More often than not, they can't do much else than project who they are on to others, and therefor can't really hear you enough to comprehend your perspectives. ... what if society let them go around without a mask? Where they were allowed to show their disabilities like others show their disabilities?
After all, many of them feel awful that they trick other people (from looking at their forums). And then some of them feel awful and then say in their forums, "Everyone does it, so I shouldn't feel so bad about it." - that's just one sign that narcissists don't understand that their actions and lack of comprehension cause trauma. And then even fewer say, "They were so stupid to trust me! So they deserved it!" - Now that's pretty sadistically oriented, but most narcissists aren't that way unless they have a lot of Antisocial Personality Disorder traits.
But the problem that remains is this: Would we elect them to political offices knowing of these disabilities? Probably not. Would we prefer them over empathetic people to take care of our children? Probably not. Would we want them to be our nurse in a hospital? Definitely not. And that's where it gets tricky ... what to do with their lust for power ... And I do believe it is one of the more destructive addictions - destructive to self and to others. Narcissists, in general, are more prone to addiction than the general population, and especially alcohol. And a high percentage of them are controlling.
In terms of an addiction to power and control, it's also the increasing lack of empathy that makes them fall from grace and power so easily, so they are in danger of serious narcissistic collapses because of this. It means they and others will suffer when they lose power and control just as both do when they gain it. Power and control for narcissists is always about using others to gain it. Most will lose it eventually, whether from natural causes and death, from abandonments, from being voted out, from being a tyrant.
What is a person to do when the despotic tyrant is so ruthless, so cold, that what ever empathy they had left is shriveling away at lightening speed? How does a population prevent it?
The less empathy narcissists feel, the more likely it is they may turn sociopathic (Psychologist Dr. Les Carter talks about narcissists who go sociopathic if you want to explore that issue). Perhaps the least we could do is to pass laws where people who have been charged with felonies cannot run for office. That would, at the very least, weed out people who are found to be criminals, even if it does not weed out potential criminals or criminals who haven't been caught yet. Maybe brain studies need to be conducted on all people seeking public office. Maybe that's the future. Maybe it has to be that vetted so that we don't end up in a dictatorial mess with a murderous tyrant of a leader. I don't know ...
I have been reading a book on addiction, and it's pretty clear that what ever you are addicted to is probably bad for you. A caffeine addiction probably has the least amount of negative effects, but it does have some. For now it straddles good and bad (i.e. it is neutrally beneficial).
But it is not just substances that are addictive. There are pornography addictions, gambling addictions, gaming addictions, sex addictions, and even going through many, many cycles of abuse with narcissists. People compare narcissist's Jekyll/Hyde behaviors to a type of gambling addiction where if you please them, you are rewarded, and if you don't, you get a booby prize that hurts. I was never aware enough to know about the push/pull, hot/cold, love bomb/withdraw, reward/punish tactics of narcissists to get pulled into it or realize it was happening.
The only addiction I was aware that I had was work, but at some point I realized it was hurting me and the rest of my life, and I cut out the insane schedules. A work addiction can mean a diminished social life or a social life of rushed conversations, lack of sleep, lack of exercise if you're sitting a lot, a diet of convenient foods or repetitive meals, a lack of peace because you're on the run all of the time, a lack of nature if your job is inside a building all day and all night (too many all-nighters where every week I had 2 - 3 days of no sleep), and so much more. I became more judgmental of other people who didn't work like I did, but who I also found were happier (I think judging others negatively while also realizing they are living a better life is also part of an addiction).
Like any addiction it had rewards where you dream of even bigger rewards if you just do more of it, practice more of it, and have the right ideas. The heavy work load entailed 16 - 18 hour days which is insane. I realized there was never enough time, or enough practice, or enough ideas to implement all I wanted to do in my work life, and my health was taking a hit.
When I really took a good look at the issues around work, I realized it was an addiction rather than a part of a normal human life. In other words, I wasn't living life like most people did. At a time when I didn't need to be worried about money, I worried about it constantly, and when my finances were very low, I took many more chances on kinds of work that were less likely to reward. Figure out that psychology!
I wonder if narcissists could give up on power, control, domination and narcissistic supply agendas in the same way. If they were honest about their NPD, and it wasn't something that was shameful to them that they had to hide, then they might not be so impelled to hide these kinds of addictions? They could be more open about the fact that they've hurt others by being addicted to negative narcissistic supply and power. Maybe there could be AA-like meetings for narcissists to deal with all of their addictions, since many types of addictions are so much a part of their disability.
Maybe if society talked a lot more about narcissist's lust for power and control as "a problem addiction" that can cause many other people, including vulnerable children and young women, trauma. Perhaps treatment modalities could be set up to minimize narcissist's need for power, control and domination?
Perhaps narcissists would have more consequences for punishing others who are resisting their destructive control agendas.
I wonder what Gen Z will do with their own children to keep them from falling prey to narcissists who want to control and to exploit them for their own use? This may be the generation who finally does something about this problem, assuming they can find out exactly what is causing it. Brain studies certainly help. After all, cruel narcissists without empathy and a proclivity to abuse should be halted on getting more and more power over the vulnerable, right?
Trauma, especially C-PTSD, has shown to be a type of disability in its own right. So society would have two people with disabilities, the NPDer who abuses and produces a PTSDer. The problem with productivity in PTSD is that the type of work that PTSD individuals can do is limited, depending on how disabling their PTSD is. From what I know, it is often limited to the arts and social services mainly, and somewhat less to fixing things. Nursing certainly attracts people with PTSD, but some aspects of nursing seem to be a recipe for deepening PTSD (some of my nurses from being in hospitals last year seemed to have PTSD, and it is high in that profession - and PTSD causes lack of focus, short attention span, and losing a train of thought, not good symptoms when nurses have patients in critical conditions). In individuals with severe PTSD, they can't even work. In addition, narcissists tend to target people with disabilities and PTSD. And abusers in general (whether they are NPDers or not), tend to target people with disabilities.
So what's the point of having NPDers running rough-shod in society since they are prone to abuse others to gain more power for themselves?
In order to have fewer people with PTSD in society, and better productivity and peace, you have to get at the root causes of it, and it includes "what to do with the NPD issue in society". Let's face it: there are so many of them, and they are hard to ignore now that you can figure out from Google what is going on and come up with many, many articles on Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
A lot of psychologists and social workers think that all NPDers truly care about is masking themselves with various personalities (acting), getting narcissistic supply from others, and getting power, control and domination over others, that they have almost no other motivations in relationships beyond that, and that it is hopeless to try to get them to give all of this up. Thus the suggestions for the general public to go "no contact" with them.
That may very well be the case, but maybe other routes have not been considered, or seen, or tried through creative experimentation to see if that really is the case.
For instance eyeglasses were invented in 1280. Eyeglasses for the color blind were invented in 2002. Who would think you could read after age 45 with glass squares or circles close to your eyes in 500 BC? Who is to say that there won't be a correction for people devoid of empathy or who have a significant amount of brain atrophy as to cause them to have NPD by 2760? Or maybe earlier like 2076 instead?
In other words, I don't think we should endlessly think we have no other alternatives than to go "no contact" with them, or the other awful alternative: living through terrible trauma from them.
It might be just one change that would allow them be assimilated.
Maybe they'd even give up on the "It's all your fault! It's all you, you, you, you, you!" blame shifting tactic they all do if we were open to helping or finding a cure for their disability. Maybe they'd even see a little more clearly what we go through when they're trying to terrorize us into letting them control us more when we don't want it and are resisting it. Maybe some day they'd be more honest about whether it really works to sweet talk people only to terrorize and control them later?
HOW THE BRAIN STUDIES EFFECTED ME
AND A PERSONAL STORY ON HOW NARCISSISTS TRIED TO GAIN POWER OVER ME
Yes, it is usually a very covered up, disguised emotional disability, which makes it seem evil (i.e. they do their terrorizing in private). And if they've chosen you to exert their power and control over, and it's done slowly and insidiously, like an invasive species, all the while insisting without saying it out loud, that you turn your own power over to them through what ever means necessary, via their sweet talk, or their threats, it's not good, not good for them and not good for you. If they insist on holding on to that addiction, like any addiction, you don't enable it.
With other addictions like alcohol, almost all addiction counselors say that if you enable it, it will grow. If you enable it, the addict will die faster. If they don't want to quit, and no one is enabling them, they will probably get to a point themselves where they want to quit, and get to those thoughts of quitting much, much faster than if you enable them. It's hard to ignore an alcoholic's pleas for help if you are an empath. But alcoholics can bankrupt themselves and the people they love very fast as their disabilities deepen, and bankrupt their own health and the health of others via stress.
Alcoholics are heavy into guilt trips, and if you're low on self esteem, you're probably going to feel guilty.
I don't think it is that different than what you go through with NPDs. They are heavy into guilt trips. They are heavy into playing the victim to get narcissistic supply out of you (instead of alcohol and money for the "drinking lifestyle"). They don't want to quit their "power and control addictions", so they stress out you and themselves when they constantly want more of it. They are constantly jealous (at least this is what mental health practitioners have told me about NPDs) possibly because they are too addicted to power and power games that invariably lead to competition with others rather than co-operation with others. Power is a one-ups-man activity after all. If they weren't playing that game, they probably wouldn't be dealing with uncomfortable amounts and intensities of jealousy. They don't necessarily bankrupt you of money, but they bankrupt you in terms of your health, mental health, happiness, well being, peace, and life stabilities that help everyone emotionally regulate. Their addictions cause most of us trauma.
And if they really knew that the addiction to power mostly led to losing power eventually, then maybe they wouldn't want it so badly. The type of power they want isn't about helping anyone, let alone themselves. For most of them, coercive control (threats, manipulation and terrorizing) is part of getting more power and control whereby it sets off the "flight" trauma response in their victims, at least eventually, if not right away.
Who really needs an unhappy relationship like that? Not them, and certainly not us.
As with alcohol, I do believe you have to walk away not to enable it. Both types, people with NPD and alcohol abuse disorder usually punish you for not giving into their demands and addiction. They ghost you. They fight you. They sneer at you with contempt.
And if they feel they can get away with it, they abuse you. And if that still doesn't get them anything, they make it known that you never mattered to them, and they go find someone else. For alcoholics that would be someone who enabled their drinking to "continue the alcoholic lifestyle", and for NPDs, someone who was totally submissive to them no matter how much they were manipulated and abused by the NPD.
Again, who would want that? But for NPDs, they really, really do not want you in their life unless they are getting more and more power, control and domination over you, and here's the catch: it has to be easy for them too. Anyone who makes it hard for them is usually discarded without exception and without an explanation.
And you know why they don't give you an explanation? Because they'd have to say, "You're too hard to control and you're too hard to get narcissistic supply from, so I'm quitting to find someone easier." Imagine if you had a hidden recorder or the neighbors over-heard them say that? It's "embarrassment central" for them. So they walk away without explanations instead.
If you refuse to give them what they want, and need to communicate that with them, it's like you have to say: "Okay. Take note that your punishments of me won't change my stance against enabling." - just like you have to do with the alcoholic if you want them to even consider withdrawal, rehabilitation services, a commitment to AA, wanting a life free of addiction.
For both types, enabling keeps them in role. The narcissist's addiction remains unchanged, and the substance abuser's addiction remains unchanged too.
Enlightenment and growth often come from a great fall from our usual life and the everyday thoughts that we have.
With both the substance abuser and NPD, we are also in danger of going back to a co-dependent relationship. There are a lot of circumstances that cause this like getting involved in an alcohol addict's rehabs, and making sure they go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings afterwards, and making sure they are not drinking. And then finally if they do start drinking again, we have to figure out how we are going to handle it and respond to it. Help them? Tell them to stop? Give them drinks so that they won't go through withdrawal symptoms or drive them to the hospital to go through withdrawal with Benzodiazepines? - Withdrawal is dangerous without medical assistance.
Must we always save their lives with the drug that is killing them if it weren't for us enabling them, or do we take them to the emergency room to do their withdrawals every time they fall off the wagon (which they may do a lot if they aren't serious about quitting and you are their steady enabler)?
And again, any addiction counselor is going to tell you that codependent relationships are unhealthy and are not going to help solve the problem of the addict who is slowly killing himself with his addiction. Again, a person with an alcohol addiction is less likely to give up alcohol with a co-dependent in his or her life.
And for the NPD, they can't have power over individuals who aren't there to have power over. In both of these cases, they are more likely to fail at holding on to their addictions the less enabling you do.
If they find other enablers, realize that the enablers are there, in the addict's mind, to keep the addict comfortable with his or her addiction. Don't take it personally, though both types may try to make it your personal failure that you did not enable them, especially if someone else was willing to do it.
Also, for the NPD, being honest about their power addiction, and getting to a point where they actually want help, may be as profound as when an alcohol addict finally wants to give up the drink because it's effecting his health and life so badly.
It's pretty clear that NPDers are losing their children over their addiction. Many of them lose their spouses too.
One of the things lacking in the NPD's life is honesty. If they were more honest, and there were avenues for honesty without the shame and shock they'd get in the present (like being able to talk about their inability to feel empathy), maybe they wouldn't find power and control such a pie-in-the-sky goal after all. Maybe they'd feel more comfortable socially even, and not necessarily enjoy exploiting relationships.
In terms of my cartooning, I feel embarrassed by some of them now. "Picking on the disabled". So I know that going forward, that will change, and all of the posts I've been working on will undergo changes too. There are some cartoons that are already in the works, but I'll have to really give some thought to continuing following those few posts.
My bigger concern is actually scapegoats, and healing, so maybe I can change the focus by the end of the year (two years ago I talked about ending the NPD articles only to find a lot of pertinent information that I should not leave behind).
I was planning on "post-bombing" this blog with a lot of articles this month and every month through December, every week or every other week, to just get them finished and published, and move on to other subjects, but the brain studies changed some things for me (and for me personally) in terms of how I want to discuss the rest of the NPD traits going forward. Don't be surprised if there are a lot less cartoons and more illustrations, or just posts with no art work.
It's going to take some time for me to figure out a direction. Richard Grannon's video and some of the reading and resources afterward made quite an impact on me.
In terms of my personal life, I also think about the methods I've tried and how effective or ineffective they were. I've tried many methods with NPD, some of them disastrous, and some that worked a little better in terms of keeping myself "out of the muck" and not being dragged into arguments with NPDs. I didn't know that the method of staying out of arguments and endless pointless explaining was actually helpful in terms of dealing with their addiction to power and control.
None of the NPDs in my life were my boss, not even at any of the places I worked. In places I worked, they were mere co-workers, but they all acted like they were my boss.
What I would do now ...
I'm going to take a story from my own life, but I think any woman who has been through DV (domestic violence) can relate to this story. It's like so many other DV stories.
I began this blog by talking about "Johnny" - a fictional name about a real person. The post is HERE.
(edit: I had forgotten that I told this story before in another post as I finished writing this post. It is obvious to me that I need to find other stories, but since I put the time in, I'll keep it. It's the last time I'll tell it - apologies to my readers who have heard it before - there is a small amount of new information, and more about the sycophants, however it probably doesn't excuse redundancy) ...
I decided to re-tell that story from my first post because it has a lot to do with a power and control addiction.
What ended up between "Johnny" and me was that he was acting like the perpetrator in Sleeping With the Enemy. It was the same sort of ridiculous constant micro-managing, the insistence that everything had to go in its place in his own way. He kept being the center of attention by micro-managing me and by telling me what he wanted on a constant basis.
I did expect the micro-managing to wind down, thinking it was a kind of a joke or phase while the two of us settled in. This was my folly, assuming this. If I had nipped this from the get-go, I might be telling a completely different story. Might. Setting boundaries right away is important with anyone who is this bossy.
The micro-managing escalated instead and never let up.
Then came the insults, the rage and exceptionally loud complaining when his expectations of "perfect orderliness" were overlooked, or forgotten, with the same kinds of threats, the threatening atmosphere, and even psychotic-like confabulations that the movie presents. As it escalated further, add in constantly assaulting my self esteem with constant raging F-bombs from morning until night and drinking from morning until night too.
Eventually, he was physically aggressing and not just slamming fists like in the movie Maid. Worse. This was no ordinary NPDer, in other words, and I highly suspect that alcohol was making the NPD so much worse. In fact, I noticed that when he was really inebriated, it was quite a bit worse. I tended to disappear when I saw or heard drinks being made.
Otherwise, if certain other people came around, the Hyde personality would stop immediately, and then the Jekyll would sound calm with a soft voice, almost too sugary sweet to be believable (contrived), and he'd act thoughtful, more cerebral, tilt his head in a dramatic way as if he really cared, not swear at all, and as soon as the people left, the derision of others, including some of them, would start immediately along with the F-bombs.
If that's not masking in NPD style, I don't know what is.
It was the Jekyll/Hyde personality that set off the flight alarms in me first.
His wife did not help because she enabled his ranting about tiny issues (imagine Sleeping with the Enemy movie with someone else trying to normalize and defend someone like this).
Eventually I over-heard a phone conversation with his wife where he was lying about me and comparing me to his ex. Big made up stories about things I supposedly said, and complained about, and did on days when I was utterly silent to not rock the boat. Every single thing that he said to her was made up, a whole half an hour of it.
I was really spooked. Symptoms started, particularly lack of sleep. Any last respect I had of him also took a huge nose-dive. It was around this time I contacted a domestic violence counselor who said I might want to contact his ex to get the full story of what happened between the two of them from her perspective since I no longer believed what he had to say about her, that I might find some similarities between her story and mine.
I hesitated in doing this because "loyalty" was of the utmost importance to him (as it is with most NPDers, even though they aren't loyal themselves, quite the opposite - note: I did not know he was NPD at the time; I just thought he had a bad drinking problem, and "nasty drunk syndrome"). But I wasn't willing to take the chance at that point. I thought it might make more problems than less ones.
However, because of the lies, false narratives and false gossip, I was done with listening to him about much of anything. When ordering me around, I didn't actively challenge him. Instead, I quietly did what I wanted to do. If I thought he was right, I did it his way, and if I thought I was right, I did it my way. I reasoned that I wasn't going to be shouted at and go into a tailspin every time I disagreed with him, so I resisted his orders without saying a word.
One time I didn't do it his way, and he accosted me between rooms with his fists clenched, face red, eyes bugged out, "I told you to do ---!" But I didn't let him finish what he was saying. I left immediately when I saw him in that state.
Eventually, he wouldn't leave me alone and followed me around. I said something like: "You seem to forget that I am an autonomous adult, that I make my own decisions every day, that I have my own successful business and do not need a boss to run it for me, that I drive a car and get to places on time and do not need a boss to help me with that either, that I make constant decisions in my work; in fact they are more about making constant decisions than implementing other people's decisions. The tasks you want done your way are so simple minded that a three year old could do it. But I'm not a three year old. It seems that you think that I am by the way you are treating me, that you somehow think I need to be lectured at, taught how to do things, and if I have my own mind about things, you want to punish me for having my own mind. No. It's ending now."
From there the abuse escalated pretty dramatically, lots of pushing aside, the verbal abuse had reached the "You're totally useless." "You're a big nobody, do you know that?" "I hope I never see your ugly face again!", "You're nothing to me!", and so on.
A day after that, a woman who had a little more "real" power than he did, told the two of us to go outside and make up.
When we were both outside I said, "I just want to be left alone. You do things your way; I will do them my way. I don't have much to say to you other than what I've said before, and I would like you to respect that boundary. If you sincerely want a relationship with me, this agenda to have power, control and domination over me has to stop. What do you say?"
And his reaction to that was: "When I tell you do something I expect it to be done!" with reddened face, clenched fists, and popping blood-shot eyes.
"Nope I'm not having it. Respect my boundaries" and I walked away from him.
He looked furious.
The next day, I think he thought I was going to bend and submit by escalating the emotional and verbal attacks even more and by looking scary. He also told more false narratives. At this point I was constantly running away from him when he'd start in on me.
He could see I was unmoved. At one point he was particularly cruel as he approached me on some steps outside of the building, and I actually started to cry, and then I thought, "Why am I crying? I have to snap out of it!" and I stopped cold. First time in my life that I could stop it cold, in fact. It was like, "I have to have my wits about me, and emotions are going to keep that from happening!"
I knew that crying or pleading with him to stop would be a sign of weakness to him and he'd use it to inflict more pain. I knew not to show pain most of the time. He still insulted me and afterward he took off for a walk to complain to his wife. Although I did not hear that phone conversation (or at least the words being said), I assumed they were full of more false narratives where he would try to prejudice her more against me.
But some kind of emotion took hold after I saw him returning from his phone call, and my anger was at a boiling point. I said something like "You're just a mean drunk! You think cruelty is a good thing! You disgust me! I suppose you'll have to have a drink after I've said that just to feel better. Sure, have a drink so that you can feel super grandiose again, like you're better than every blessed person on the planet, right? Everyone needs your orders, right? If you just have a drink, you can be a Superman drunk that can insult others in a single bound!"
This was my big mistake. I lost it. So what I would have done differently was to keep the moral high ground, keep the calm, keep from getting sucked into argument traps. It was a learning experience, in other words.
At the time, I felt my anger outburst didn't come close to his constant insults, name calling, degrading comments, and the false narratives he was trying hard to push on others. At the time I didn't feel guilty considering how much I was provoked. Only later on. At the time, I thought, wrongly, that my outburst might stop him from aggressing and escalating, that he'd back off because I wasn't moved by any of what he was trying to do, that he'd give up trying to control me. Maybe he'd even give up alcohol because I could see some shame, some hiding of the drinks, especially the morning ones.
Wow, was I wrong! I didn't know how addictions were so gripping, that shame isn't going to stop either addiction. In fact, I could see that he was going to try and flip the shame on to me instead, scapegoat style. Looking back, it seemed so NPD of him.
It didn't work to flip the blame because I knew it was projection and I really didn't listen to him any more about his opinions or shaming or much of anything because I didn't respect him (again because of his false narratives), so it was like it went in one of my ears and out the other. I was fine with who I was. The only thing that was going awry was some of my experimental methods of dealing with him.
I never found any method that gave me great results, but the outburst garnered the most shame because I felt like I had lowered myself to his level. Since I didn't respect him, I didn't respect myself in that moment.
However, before I could figure out how wrong I was with my methods, I thought what would happen was that he might give up drinking now that I showed him "I knew", but I had to leave for a scheduled surgery.
Normally I would have left a situation like this permanently, but I was concerned for another person in this situation, so I only stayed to protect and monitor. I figured no highly vulnerable person should be under the influence of a Jekyll/Hyde personality with that much of a drinking problem lest the Hyde personality come out while I was gone. Otherwise I might have left.
And I did leave for a surgery and experienced a close friend die during the same period, and when I came back, the person I was protecting had a black eye. "From a fall," I was told.
None of what I was going through phased "Johnny". Usually most people have some empathy when you're going through a difficult part of your life, or when someone important to you has died. There wasn't any sign of empathy at all. Not even an acknowledgement. None.
Anyway, upon returning, the next escalation was pushing me around. "Get out of my way!" when he was walking through. Another time he pulled me by the wrist towards something I cannot discuss for privacy reasons and demanded I clean it.
I started to become concerned for my safety. But not enough. Like a lot of women who go through this, I minimized the danger. "Oh, it can't happen to me!" types of thoughts.
But the question was gnawing at me.
I decided to call his ex-wife.
Everything sounded so familiar especially the ultra-controlling behavior and micro-managing every move she made, the irrational made up "silly" non-consequential arguments, the projecting, the constant drinking, which in those days was beer. I was seeing hard liquor during my time in his company. But then when she described being injured to the point of getting medical treatment at a hospital twice from being slammed with fists, I became a lot more concerned. Apparently he was in the emergency room when she was getting bandaged up, so she didn't feel like she could talk about the domestic violence. He didn't know I contacted her, and for safety reasons it was thought best if he didn't know especially as he was still in my company.
Then from there it escalated really rapidly to him standing in doorways that I was trying to pass through. He would block the doorway, clench his fists like he was ready to slug me, shake with rage, with again, a red face and bloodshot eyes.
I called another domestic violence counselor and told her what was going on in the doorways, and the pushing and shoving, and asked if I was in danger.
"Absolutely! You need to get out of the situation now! Once the physical abuse starts, which it has, escalation is usually very, very fast."
I told her why I was finding that difficult, and that my husband was arriving soon, so she coordinated something in the meantime whereby there were people constantly coming in and out of the building, some of them mandated reporters, where slugging me would be nearly impossible for him to get away with without being caught and possibly arrested, and that most domestic violence offenders like to do their slugging in private.
She also taught me to use the JADE method (another method similar to the DEEP Method: "don't justify, don't argue, don't defend, and don't explain").
In tandem with this crowd, in the last days, Johnny's spouse was also there, and my husband. That changed the dynamic too.
Shortly afterwards, we parted ways.
So, the question for me for many months afterwards was why he escalated the abuse when I told him to stop with the power and control tactics? Like: why wasn't that respected? Not respecting it damaged our relationship for good. The power he wanted was lost because I didn't want him in my life beyond e-mails (if he had something to say to me). And frankly I had the right to decide who controlled me, who I did not want controlling me, and even whether I wanted or didn't want to be controlled. It was my life, my time, my decision about whether and how much control I wanted from others. Why did he think it wasn't?
That was when it dawned on me one day power was not a policy that they decide on, but an addiction!
You try to take what they are addicted to away from them, even if that addiction entails you providing it for them, it's going to enrage them! "How dare you not be controlled by me and NOT give into me so that I can get more power!!!" - something to that effect, with plenty of raging and swearing, "Johnny"-style. It's also part of narcissistic entitlement: "I deserve the upper hand, and I deserve people serving me because my needs are more important than yours or any other people's needs, and what I mean by that is that you're going to follow my orders even though I'm not your boss!" And if you resist, "You're useless to me! I hate you! Nothing you are is worth anything to me!" because all they want from you is submission to their power, to control you, to micro-manage you (micro-managing and domestic violence being the malignant brand of NPD).
They just leave out some words like "I have to control you!! It's my drug!!" or "I must micro-manage you and control you! Just please, please, please step into line and give me that!" - I think even they know that won't get them what they want, so they have to tell you that you are worthless so that you will figure it out for yourself and think, "Oh, if I give him control over me, he won't hate me!" ... But you actually have to respect a person's opinions of you to change your behaviors towards them, otherwise you're usually caught up in a flight response. So, frankly, I didn't care whether he hated me or not.
The only downside to being hated is that people who hate to this degree usually want other people to hate you too. I didn't know enough about NPD at that time to know about smear campaigns and the level to which they'll go to "divide and conquer" (triangulation is another NPD trait) until someone contacted me that "Johnny" was trying to prejudice others. I tried to explain what I had gone through to counter it.
It's the flying monkey tactic that happens with most NPDers.
Anyway, "Johnny" thought that terrorizing, and taking up all kinds of abuse, telling false narratives works? Maybe the constant bullying and threats work for seven year olds, but I was astonished to think that he was going to try to make it work on me. When I talk about the fact that narcissists don't know their victims, this is what I mean. Maybe through the lens of alcohol, I looked seven?
I actually think at this point that all of the typical tactics that narcissists use like gaslighting, triangulating, idealize-devalue-discard, and on and on, are addictive for them. It's why just about every narcissist uses them. They are, apparently, all default tactics when they are frustrated with how much power and control they can get, retain and build upon when relating to you.
I thought it would be all over, and then I'd never have to put up with or challenge his controlling behavior again.
But I was in the way of something else he wanted ...
Anyway, there were two people who I assumed both of us were close to. One of them was one of my confidantes, a person I shared personal information with, someone I had conversations with a few times a week, someone who wanted to know that I got to places safely when I travelled, someone I came to trust, and who seemed to care about me.
Anyway, I told them both that my relationship with Johnny was over.
They didn't like it and tried to control my decision.
More control? I am being expected to put up with that some more? In a dangerous domestic violence situation? No.
Anyway, I received a letter from one of them where it was as though "Johnny" dictated the letter. They wrote it all from his perspective as though it was the truth. These were people who never visited the building where "Johnny" and I worked, by the way. They didn't ask others in the situation what had happened. So how could they write it in a dictated style as though it was the truth?
Anyway, I've talked about sycophants before, how they puppet everything a narcissist says, how they don't research anything, how they don't want to hear yours or anyone else's perspectives that differ from what they want believe to be true in a situation, how they go along with one party because it is convenient for them or because they want something from them, how they come to conclusions in lazy ways where they don't have to think hard or explore. This is what I was dealing with.
I was silenced about what I went through. They didn't want to hear it. He was not. That should have told me that the only perspective they were open to and wanted to believe in was his.
It became clear that one of them wanted me out of the picture altogether, and preferred Johnny's company to mine, and my confidante (who became an ex-confidante) wanted a break from seeing me for awhile.
In terms of wanting a break, I waited and waited. And then I started "invites" at some point. My husband suggested to them that the four of us get together to talk it out. I also suggested a lunch out between the two of them and me and my husband to chat about the issues. I suggested a meeting between the two of us with our best friends in tow if she was concerned about being supported by someone. I suggested ALANON. I suggested she go to a therapist who specialized in addiction so that she could understand what I was going through, and the personal dynamics that happen around addicted individuals. I suggested therapy between her and me, and actually demanded it after awhile because I didn't see any other way forward to get our relationship back on track. Nothing.
When her needing a break came to a couple of years, I was done with waiting. During those years the situation was very, very painful. It wasn't getting better. I sent cards to her on her birthday without a thank you; it was a sign of ingratitude. For me it looked like an exercise in self-humiliation. I found myself not interested in establishing the relationship as anything like it had been before. And what do you talk to someone like that about? The idea of meeting with her was giving me a lot of anxiety. If she had asked me to meet her somewhere, I might balk or not find anything to say. She'd dominate the conversation, and I'd have to leave. I reasoned that probably at least half of the pain was due to this open-ended ridiculous waiting period, and that it wasn't reasonable. Most people tell you things like: "I'll get a hold of you in three months. Okay?"
If all I was going to receive was stonewalling on more invitations, it was just better to say goodbye and to know it was over so that I could move on with my life. I didn't trust her. It was a deep betrayal. And the two of them were seeing a lot of Johnny, so that sent a message. Giving up hope is sometimes what you have to do to move on. It was the right decision and the particular issues with that person faded away into my past (except when I write personal stories, but with none of the prior pain). I concentrated on other relationships and activities in my life.
A psychologist told me that this happens a lot: people tend to go with the perpetrators more than the victims. Not everyone, but he estimated maybe over half of them do in his experience as a clinician. Supposedly it's the combination of narcissistic charm and love bombing, premeditated attempts to get people to side with them, trying to isolate the victim, and looking strong, powerful and together.
Meanwhile the victim looks like they are falling apart, emotionally and physically, drained, and if they are having trauma they may look spaced out, exhausted and crazy. It's the same principal of voting for the authoritarian dictator-like "strong-man" who can threaten other countries in a single bound over the more intellectual, diplomatic, empathetic leader because I think many brains are wired to see arrogant authoritarians as people who will fight, defend, and provide strong economic policies. Narcissistic enablers and co-bullies also tend to target and bully people who they see as weaker, more vulnerable or disabled. Narcissists are also more concerned with appearances than people.
As far as sycophancy goes, they usually get rewarded in some way by the narcissistic perpetrator that they don't think they will get from the victim, and most of these kinds of people can be other narcissists.
So what were they getting from the perpetrator? European trips on luxury liners.
No morals, no sense of right and wrong, a glittery boat was more important than a long-term relationship. Shows where those people's priorities are.
I didn't know it then, but I was told much later from psychologists who specialize in NPD that if others defend or side with an abuser, and they have a choice to have a relationship with you both (as these two people did), let them go and either deepen the relationships you already have or find your own people. It's very good advice, so I'm passing it along.
In terms of choosing boat trips, and the whole DV experience, a therapist suggested that if I wanted to research or express my disgust, I could do it through a blog. I took his advice and very glad I did.
Since those days I haven't had any more narcissists in my life except for two brief employment situations.
In both situations, I was dealing with a "bossy" co-worker. When I refused to be bossed, in both situations they ran to the real boss to try to get me fired.
In the first place of employment, the boss wanted us "to work it out". Does this remind you of the woman who told "Johnny" and me to "make up"? Well, the situation went similarly except the co-worker didn't insult me, or swear, or have clenched fists. However, she demanded she get her way, and that she was entitled to it because she decided she was the "expert". I said, "It's not like what we're doing here is rocket science. Not even close! A toddler could do this job! This job doesn't need instruction, or even a boss. I have a Master's degree in teaching and know when it is time to teach and when it is time to let go of teaching them. They don't need more teaching. So, just lay off the bossiness, please, and we'll be fine." But she didn't stop, and went to the boss every time she had trouble dominating me. He would come to inspect us, and laugh and say, "Women! They can't get along with each other! Am I going to see a cat fight today?" Then one day she went to the boss and said he had a choice to make. If he didn't fire me, she would leave. She was there longer than I was, and so I was fired. After I left, I found out she got most other workers to leave via bullying them (they weren't fired; they just left on their own). Finally the business fired her, but it was too late: the business had no workers, and no one to re-hire.
In the second situation, the same sort of thing was happening: another co-worker was bossy. In that case, she ignored the real bosses and pretended that she had been given the authority to set me straight. She was more aggressive: constantly telling me that what I was doing wasn't right, purposely telling me to do the wrong thing (sabotaging) so the boss would have to constantly correct me and find me incompetent. I no longer listened to her, obviously. Really creepy, eyes on me almost all of the time. Sociopathic, I think. Anyway, for awhile the bosses thought it best to separate us, but she was still finding a way to invade my work space. Then she fired her.
So it seems to be true that around half of the time, people side with the victims, and half the time with the perpetrators.
After both jobs however, I decided not to deal with narcissists any more, even in places of employment.
Every single "trouble" I had with narcissists was usually over the narcissist's demand or coercion for more power and control. So I really don't know what any professional can do about it to assimilate narcissists into society when an addiction to power can cause so much "grabbing for more control of other workers", and destroy businesses, a peaceful work environment, employees who co-operate instead of being at each other's throats. Narcissists seem too destructive for most people who want peaceful progress.
Keep denying narcissists power and hope they'll lose interest in it eventually? Keep them separated from others in a work place? Put them with a bunch of empaths who won't tolerate them gossiping or unable to compromise?
In terms of putting them in with empaths, this may work. In one work place, the more NPD-inclined gossipy women got uncomfortable with a younger generation of empaths who disapproved of this behavior, and a lot of those gossips left.
I did talk to a business owner about this issue. He said he had one narcissistic employee and yes, this employee tried to gain power over co-workers, so the employee was transferred to the warehouse. He even became "trouble" there, so the boss split the warehouse into four sections, where the narcissist had his own section and wasn't allowed into the other sections. "Problem solved."
The NPD's addictions to power do not appear to be a brain issue. But perhaps it is a compensation for atrophy of a number of other regions of the brain? Or an easy way forward for not having empathy? Curious minds would like to know.
A side note: I did a cartoon of an inebriated man complaining about feeling weak, and hung over, going into a booth with limitless alcohol, putting on a superman-type costume coming out of the booth, and insulting one person after the other until shriveling up and becoming weak again and crawling back to the booth to be let in. I had trepidations about publishing that cartoon, as cartoons about drunks don't seem to be all that politically correct these days, but I personally felt much better making it. Comic relief.
Now what to do about the couple who prefers the drunken DV offender and the boat ...
12 Signs of a Controlling Person - by Cindy Lamothe, and medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, PhD, PsyD for Healthline
Recognising the Difference Between Love and Controlling Behaviour in Relationships: Warning Signs - by the administrators of National Legal Service (Great Britain)
The confusion between someone BEING CONTROLLING vs. CARING for you - Dr. Ramani, clinical psychologist (You Tube)
