Why Do Narcissists Hate Their Scapegoat Child?

* Note for my regular readers:
I was getting ready to do the cartoon for the "hoovering article" and publish everything, but noticed I had run out of smooth bristol board which is what I like to use for cartooning as it gives me the cleanest lines. So, I am publishing this article in the meantime and may publish others too until I can get to work on the cartoon.
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So to get back to the subject ... 

I went to Google Search to find some answers as to why narcissists might hate their scapegoat child and this Google AI article came up first (derived from other articles on the subject, some of them professional articles you can look through yourself). I copied the Google AI in red:

Narcissists often target a "scapegoat" in their relationships, family or social circles, and may seem to "hate" them due to a combination of factors related to their own psychological vulnerabilities and defense mechanisms. 

Here are some key reasons why narcissists may develop this intense dislike and mistreatment towards their scapegoats:

Projection of negative traits: Narcissists struggle to acknowledge their own flaws and insecurities. They may unconsciously project these negative traits onto the scapegoat, viewing them as embodying everything they dislike about themselves.

Deflecting blame and criticism: By making the scapegoat the target of blame and criticism, narcissists can deflect attention away from their own shortcomings and maintain their inflated sense of self-importance.

Maintaining control and power: Narcissists have a strong need to control others and their environment. By demeaning and criticizing the scapegoat, they can undermine their self-esteem and make them more susceptible to manipulation.

Projective identification: This is a psychological process where the narcissist not only projects their negative traits onto the scapegoat but also pressures them to behave in ways that reflect those projections, reinforcing the distorted narrative.

Envy and resentment: Narcissists may feel envious of the scapegoat's positive qualities, accomplishments, or independence. This envy can manifest as hostility and a desire to undermine and diminish the scapegoat's worth.

Seeking narcissistic supply: By treating the scapegoat poorly, the narcissist can gain a sense of power and dominance, which feeds their need for "narcissistic supply" – admiration, attention, or validation (even if negative).

Creating a controlled family dynamic: In a family setting, the scapegoat can become a way for a narcissistic parent to create a controlled environment. By focusing negative attention on one child, they can distract from their own dysfunctional behaviors and create a sense of unity (us vs. them) among other family members. 

It is important to remember that scapegoating is a form of emotional abuse and is never the fault of the victim. The narcissist's behavior stems from their own deep-seated insecurities and inability to regulate their emotions and take responsibility.

But what if the scapegoat leaves? Do the dynamics change then? 

Not really:

From the Newport Institute website:
     Blaming family members when things don't go their way (it's always someone else's fault) Only showing love when their children do exactly what they ask—withdrawing love otherwise. Not showing compassion for their children or other family members.

From the Narcissistic and Family Scapegoat Recovery website:
     When the scapegoat leaves, it is because remaining in the family has become intolerable. By blaming the scapegoat for all their problems, the family avoids looking at itself and making the necessary changes to heal. In fact, all roles in the dysfunctional family are designed for this purpose.

From the Pinch of Attitude website:
     The dysfunctional patterns within the family's dynamics may continue to persist even after the scapegoat cuts contact. It's like an ingrained habit that's hard to break. Blaming the scapegoat is often replaced with shifting the blame onto someone else, maintaining the toxic cycle.

The fact that so many narcissistic families pick another scapegoat after the original scapegoat leaves can help to unburden the scapegoat of guilt and remorse for leaving the family. It's what I discovered on my own from the stories of scapegoats. Also, being blamed for something erroneous or for something you did not do, or where you are not "the personality" the narcissist insists that you are, does not stick in the conscience or guilt of any scapegoat unless they are easily brainwashed into thinking everything is their fault even events they know nothing about, and unless their self esteem is so horrible that they think they can't do any better than to live a life of being falsely accused and blamed for anything and everything.

Narcissistic families spend an inordinate amount of time in blaming and shaming in general, and trying to pin it on to someone other than themselves who they think will either fight back (so that the family can feel they won some sort of blaming-shaming battle successfully by the sheer numbers "against the scapegoat" - again it's a child, so it's gross) or a member who they think will not fight back (like a disabled member, or a member with PTSD, or a member who is going through a rough time - because it is easy to blame and shame someone who you think is weakened). Either way, it is sick and toxic. 

Do narcissistic families mostly try to find another scapegoat if the original scapegoat leaves? Yes. Here is more from Google Search and Google AI on that:

Yes, it's very common for narcissistic families to choose a new scapegoat after the original one leaves or establishes boundaries. 

Why this happens:

Maintaining the dysfunction: Narcissistic families rely on a scapegoat to deflect attention from the family's underlying issues and maintain a sense of false normalcy.

Narcissistic Supply: The scapegoat serves as a punching bag and a source of negative narcissistic supply, allowing the narcissist to feel powerful and in control.

Blame-shifting: Narcissists cannot take responsibility for their own flaws and problems, so they need someone to blame.

Control and manipulation: The scapegoat's departure disrupts the family's dynamic, and the narcissist will seek to regain control by finding a new target. 

How the new scapegoat is chosen:

The narcissistic parent may select someone weaker or another family member to subject to abuse and mistreatment.

Other family members, fearing they will become the new scapegoat, may also participate in this process to win favor with the narcissist. 

What happens to the new scapegoat:

They may experience the same isolation, criticism, and blame as their predecessor.

They may be subjected to smear campaigns and manipulation by flying monkeys. 

In essence, the departure of the original scapegoat can trigger a reshuffling of roles within the narcissistic family, with the narcissist seeking to reinstate the scapegoat dynamic to maintain their control and avoid confronting their own issues. 

I read a book in 2014 called A Child Called It: One Child's Courage to Survive by Dave Peltzer after he left his family. His brother, Richard B. Pelzer who wrote A Brother's Journey: Surviving a Childhood of Abuse who went along with his mother in abusing Dave ended up experiencing the same abuse that Dave had been subjected to once Dave left the family. Richard had once been spared of the same kinds of abuse that Dave had been through. These were the first books of their kind to show how scapegoating can get passed around, while "professional studies" were going on to determine what happens to narcissistic families once they lose the first scapegoat - is this a phenomenon? And yes, they found out that it was.

Some of these stories will resonate with anyone who has been a scapegoat and been abused in a narcissistic family. I give a lot of credit to these men for pioneering in this way. 

The thing is that now that society knows how the scapegoat role gets passed to other family members, and why it happens. Now something has to change in terms of prevention. That still hangs in the balance and it shouldn't after this much time. 

Everyone who is and has been abused because of a scapegoat role being thrust upon them at an early age (at the toddler age - and not kidding) could write their own books, and flood the market with books just like Dave's and Richard's about their "shameful families" (putting the shame where it belongs for once), but it's just not practical. 

I'd say that new homeschooling laws (a law maker's job, whether through local representatives, or state representatives, or through national representatives) should be a first step to keep the more egregious cases from happening, i.e. not allowing a parent to take a child out of school to "homeschool", which can hide child abuse in secret, unless they agree to be constantly monitored so that the child's best interests are considered (they won't be considered by a narcissistic parent). In other words, homeschooling should have a lot of oversight.

There are so many cases on the books now where it is obvious that unchecked, un-investigated homeschooling is contributing to unchecked child abuse. Do scapegoats have to march in the streets together to get some laws passed to help other scapegoats? Do law makers really have a lot to deliberate when it comes to authorities checking homes and kids who are being homeschooled, and getting these kids on their own to get a sense of how they are dealing with being homeschooled, and whether they'd rather be educated in the public school system? After all, a scapegoat child is not going to be successful in fighting an abusive narcissistic parent to go to school outside the family home if that narcissistic parent is adamant about keeping them home in order to isolate their child and abuse them in secret. 

So do narcissists really hate their scapegoat children? It may seem so to the parent, the gushing of so many insults and criticism, the isolation from other family members to keep them alone, lonely, without support and hurt, and all of the silent treatments, abandonments, and smear campaigns, but if they were to take "their own projections and fantasies" out of the picture, along with their desperate need to have a scapegoat, I'd say the real issue is that they don't know their scapegoats at all and don't care to know them either. They either see a scapegoat fighting to be heard and denying that child "a say" about anything, or they see a scapegoat who is weak and therefor easy to blame and manipulate - and that's all they care to know about, period. Narcissistic parents are not into parenting to understand anyone (that's why they give them roles). 

They don't really love their children in ways that are healthy and nurturing for the child. They might show affection, validation, attention, or commend a child, or give a prize to a child who is giving them positive narcissistic supply, but that's about it, and it isn't love in the way most people use the word. It's especially not love when it is taken away so much of the time and so easily, and is only dependent on the narcissistic supply given, or whether another child is giving them more of it (oh, the competitions to be a flatterer!).

This kind of non-love is true for any child in the family by the way, except for perhaps, the golden child. The golden child has their own struggles to deal with however, especially if the scapegoat role has been passed around to other members or children who have had enough and are no longer around. Golden children have the burden of gauging their abilities to provide enough narcissistic supply and sycophancy to their parent in every situation and in every conversation with the narcissist. They do it to keep rewards coming. That isn't a love relationship either. 

Granted, a golden child can be a little more loose with narcissistic supply if no scapegoats are part of the family any more. They can have the attitude that "I'll leave like the others if you persist in this!" or they can be a little looser than other members were about how they verbalize emotionally laid subjects, or how they are being treated. However, since rewards and punishments always accompany narcissistic supply, and since golden children get those rewards over their siblings, they are also expected to "toe the line" in a huge way and work extra hard for approval to keep the rewards coming. They must be "a more perfect symbol of great sycophancy and supplier of flattery" than their siblings. If the rewards dwindle, the golden child can feel they are wasting their time as relationships (for them) often become reward driven since they grew up thinking rewards equals love, seeing and getting all aspects of how rewards are divvied out and why they are divvied out in a certain way, and being exposed to it all of the time, and beating out their siblings, sometimes unethically, for those rewards.

They can also become narcissists themselves (very common) because they see "love" in the same way their parent does, as transactional, as only reward-based, as only about narcissistic supply. And since they are expected to mirror the narcissistic parent (agree always, and never "agree to disagree" without tremendous fall-out, to be a "good little sycophant" child in an adult body), by absorbing the personality and proclivities of the parent, you can see why they might become another narcissist.

Better than being shamed and unrewarded like the scapegoat, right? At least that's a childhood thinking style about this that may stick with them forever. But not so fast. I'll explain why in another post. 

Hint: it has to do with the constant abandonments and cold shoulders over not being a co-junkie of narcissistic supply, and gaining enough genuine self esteem in one's own character, abilities and ethics to not rely on fantasy-driven, false-narrative driven, desperate scapegoating narcissists for your self esteem.