This post is primarily written so that you can be aware of this narcissistic trait and make your own decisions about whether you want to tolerate inter-personal relationships that are only transactional in nature, and have found out that the person you may be relating to seems like they have some, most, or all of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as written in DSM5.
This post gives you a little about what transactional relationships are with narcissists, what purpose it serves for them, and why you often get a discard from them when you are not doing exactly what they demand, or want, or if "they get sick of you".
What I mean by discard:
* a swift cruel rejection
* an impulsive rejection
* a rejection without an explanation or an explanation that is short, or confusing, or twisted, or not logical, or is projection-oriented, or is hypocrisy-oriented.
* a swift rejection where they will not consider talking out relationship issues between you
* a possible rejection where they believe they will get an apology from you, so that they can re-establish control over you and get more power in the relationship with you (more of a manipulation)
* a possible rejection to make you suffer financially, or emotionally in order to scare you sufficiently so they can get you back again and call all of the shots; i.e. control you better than they did before (more of a manipulation)
* a rejection to "play" with your self esteem, and to see if they can lower it or destroy it
* a rejection because you are perceived to be too difficult to control
* a rejection because they are bored (narcissists have little tolerance for boredom)
* a rejection because they have a new source of narcissistic supply that they think is better than your particular versions of it
* a swift rejection to get a reaction out of you (i.e. to gain negative narcissistic supply from you: anger, tears, begging, fear).
* a rejection because they feel they have been criticized (note: narcissists give themselves the right to criticize others, even constantly, even with a lot of cruelty, but do not give you the same privilege - narcissists also tend to rage and punish if they feel criticized, and it doesn't take much for them to feel criticized)
For more information, go here.
Do not take "discards" personally as most narcissists behave in this manner.
It's a trait common to almost all narcissists, and a trait that is uncommon among the rest of us. They even discard their children, or one child (usually a scapegoat child) and a spouse or two. Dark Triads (people with the traits of narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism) are known to have blatant affairs in front of their spouses to "play with" or damage their spouse's self esteem.
Narcissists also do not have the empathy to care how discards make you feel.
When dealing with another person's discard, you can think about whether you want to be in a relationship like this. Also realize that narcissists will often discard you again, and again, and that it is often a feature of their relationships and the cycle of abuse. Their promises to change, and to do better by you are often fake for the very reason that this has to do with their personality disorder, a disorder very unlikely to change.
When narcissists get to know you, and as they take control of you, and your life, and get narcissistic supply from you, something is bound to happen where you either won't do what they tell you to do (where they feel they are losing control of you), or if they are generally feeling dissatisfied with the amount of power they have, or the amount of times they are getting their way, or they aren't sabotaging you enough to their satisfaction, they will probably eventually do a discard. The exceptions are narcissists without all of the traits in the DSM5, narcissists who are old and don't have the time to take great chances with their relationships any more, narcissists who are disabled and don't think they can successfully launch a discard that will go in their favor, and narcissists who feel they have more to gain keeping you than losing you, if you have a lot of prestige and clout and they feel they cannot "mess with a discard", and other issues where they feel they may go through more of a narcissistic collapse than getting more power by discarding you.
This post is a combination of a "link dump" with quite a bit of commentary. You can look through the links dumped here (below), or go through the Google AI links to find more articles and studies in Google Search.
I present this Google AI article first (but you can go through that same link to go through Google's Search engine for more articles):
Narcissists have transactional relationships because they view people as tools to fulfill their needs for attention, admiration, status, and power, rather than as individuals with their own feelings. Their impaired empathy prevents them from forming genuine emotional bonds; instead, they focus on what they can gain from a person, leading to relationships that are a calculated exchange of benefits rather than a connection of love and care.
Why relationships are transactional for narcissists:
Lack of Empathy:
* Narcissists struggle to understand or value others' needs and feelings, making it difficult for them to form deep, emotional attachments.
Self-Centered Motivation:
* Their primary motivation is self-interest and ego enhancement. They are only interested in relationships as a means to get what they want, such as constant admiration (narcissistic supply), power, or status.
People as Tools:
* They see other people as objects or tools to serve their own purposes and needs. A person is kept around only as long as they are useful or provide "supply".
Business Mindset:
* Relationships operate like a business transaction: the narcissist aims to get the maximum benefit for the minimum input, as noted by the Psychology Today article.
No Genuine Connection:
* Instead of developing love, commitment, and intimacy, the narcissist sees these as drawbacks because they can restrict their options.
Discarding When Unuseful:
* When a person no longer provides the desired benefits, the narcissist will discard them and seek a new source of supply, similar to discarding a used commodity.
Exploiting for Needs:
* They will perform nice actions only if they expect a "payment" in return, such as consistent adoration and support, even if it's a small gesture on their part.
Do narcissists primarily insist on transactional relationships with their own children, a spouse or two, and their "best friends"? Yes.
If you want a love relationship and are not happy with a transactional relationship, you are not alone. Most people want their closest personal relationships to be deep emotional, long lasting connections where both people are engaged in consistent love, empathy and trustworthy behavior. They do not like being used by narcissists for narcissistic agendas (which are almost exclusively about power, control, domination, exploitation and narcissistic supply and not much more than that).
You simply cannot have deep, loving, empathetic stable relationship with narcissists and they blow up at you or discard you if they think you are unhappy with them or critical of them, if they think they are losing power over you, if they think you have differing opinions from them and so much more. Most narcissists are cruel, dysregulated people out for selfish ends or to sabotage people they are jealous of, or who they think might surpass them in some way.
That's a god-awful close personal relationship to be in, or stuck in. You aren't an anomaly if you think it's as awful as you feel it is.
And it has nothing to do with you. You cannot change this trajectory through loving the narcissist more, or doing everything they demand, or by letting them take their aggressions out on you, or asking them to be kinder, or working harder and harder for them, or giving them continuous empathy, or even giving them continuous narcissistic supply throughout the day and night. It's a brain matter in them. The link explains: reduced gray matter in their insula, abnormal activity in the prefrontal cortex, probable dysfunctional connectivity in the frontostriatal pathway (this is still being studied), over-activity in parts of the brain that contributes to excessive self focus.
The excessive self focus without being able to get out of it is something that is happening inside them, on a physiological level, which is why efforts towards healthy bonding with narcissists cannot work. Not only will healthy efforts not work by your efforts, they will cause enormous stress for you at the very least, and debilitating physical and psychological symptoms at the worst. What is more, narcissists will never care how those symptoms effect you because of their profound lack of empathy (which is also a brain matter for them).
There are also adverse changes when healthy individuals get stuck in long term trauma bonded relationships with narcissists including the shrinkage of the hippocampus (which can grow back when the stress of being around the narcissistic individual is removed) and high levels of cortisol which directly effect the immune system.
So much of this is why I finally decided to be narcissist-free in my own life and so that I could fulfill a destiny of a lightworker.
I continue some of this thought-line at the end of the blog post.
In terms of the question: How do most people feel about transactional relationships with narcissists I found this from Google AI:
Most people feel negatively about transactional relationships with narcissists, experiencing confusion, unease, and a sense of walking on eggshells, as these interactions are characterized by a lack of true empathy, constant manipulation, and emotional punishment rather than genuine connection. People in these relationships often feel like their needs are ignored, they are being exploited, and they are trapped in a cycle of giving without receiving anything of genuine value.
Negative Emotions and Experiences
* Unease and Confusion: Relationships with narcissists often leave people feeling confused and uneasy, constantly questioning the narcissist's mood and intentions.
* Walking on Eggshells: Victims learn to be hyper-vigilant, constantly monitoring their words and actions to avoid anger, punishment, or withdrawal from the narcissist.
* Lack of Genuine Connection: A fundamental lack of empathy prevents narcissists from forming deep, reciprocal relationships, leading to feelings of isolation and being unloved for who one truly is.
* Emotional Abuse and Punishment: When expectations aren't met, narcissists may punish partners by withdrawing affection, attention, or emotional support.
The Transactional Nature of the Relationship
* Self-Interest Driven: Narcissists approach relationships with self-interest, viewing others as having a function to fill rather than as separate individuals with feelings.
* Exploitation and Control: The relationship is about the narcissist's needs, with the other person's empathy and contributions exploited to meet those needs.
* One-Sided Exchange: The narcissist gives little and demands much, creating an imbalanced dynamic where the partner feels like they are constantly giving without receiving.
* Replacement and Uselessness: If a partner fails to provide the necessary "supply," they are considered useless and may be ignored or replaced by others.
Long-Term Effects on Individuals
* Mental Health Issues: These relationships can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
* Erosion of Self-Worth: The constant manipulation and disrespect chip away at a person's self-esteem and can make them feel like they must earn love or be perfect to be worthy of it.
(narcissistic discard of relationships and the transactional relationships of sociopaths):
Yes, a narcissist's discarding of a partner is a direct result of viewing the relationship as a transaction. In this framework, people are not viewed as partners but as "supply" to serve the narcissist's ego and needs. When a partner is no longer seen as useful, they are discarded.
The transactional nature of a narcissistic relationship
For a narcissist, a relationship is not an emotional bond but an exchange, and their interest is conditional. The transactional view operates in distinct stages:
* Idealization: In the beginning, the narcissist engages in "love bombing," showering their partner with affection and attention. This is not genuine intimacy but an investment to secure the loyalty and admiration that will serve their needs.
* Devaluation: Once the narcissist is sure they have captured their partner, the transaction shifts. The narcissist begins to devalue their partner with criticism and gaslighting. At this point, the partner's emotional well-being becomes secondary to the narcissist's need for control and superiority.
* Discard: When the narcissist becomes bored, feels their partner is no longer useful, or finds a "better" source of supply, they terminate the relationship. The discard is often abrupt and cold because it is not an emotional decision, but a practical one based on what the narcissist can gain.
Discarding serves the narcissist's ego
The discard is a crucial part of the transaction, serving several self-centered purposes for the narcissist:
* Reasserting control: The narcissist re-establishes dominance by causing confusion and keeping their ex-partner grasping for answers and reconciliation.
* Avoiding accountability: By discarding first, they avoid the risk of being rejected themselves or having to confront the problems they created in the relationship.
* Ego fuel: The ex-partner's pain and grief become a source of satisfaction, proving the narcissist's own significance.
* Securing new supply: Discarding one person clears the way to pursue new sources of validation and admiration.
* Conditional love and the lack of empathy
A lack of empathy prevents narcissists from seeing their partners as individuals with their own feelings and needs. This means that the narcissist's "love" is always conditional—it lasts only as long as the partner is meeting their needs for admiration, control, and validation. When the partner sets boundaries or is no longer a useful "supply," their worth in the narcissist's transactional view is immediately diminished, and they become disposable.
Since some narcissists also display Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathic) traits resulting in Malignant Narcissism or the Dark Triad, I thought I'd give you some answers about their transactional types of relationships too. Note: Narcissists with sociopathic traits can have a little or a lot of sociopathic traits. If you see sociopathic traits, "You're in trouble" as the saying goes.
from Google AI:
Yes, sociopaths primarily seek transactional relationships. Their relationships lack genuine emotional connection and are instead based on personal gain, such as power, money, status, or pleasure. For a sociopath, relationships are not about mutual care and emotional support but about what they can get out of the other person.
How sociopaths use transactional relationships
* Manipulation: Sociopaths are skilled manipulators who use charm, guilt-tripping, and lying to influence others. In the early stages, they may engage in "love bombing," where they shower a partner with excessive affection to create a false sense of a deep emotional bond and secure the partner's loyalty and dependency.
* Lack of empathy: A key trait of sociopathy is a lack of empathy, making it difficult for them to form sincere attachments. Because they cannot truly understand or share in others' feelings, they view others as objects to be used, not people with needs and emotions.
* Control and exploitation: Sociopaths will often seek to dominate and control their partners or associates through various means, including emotional, financial, or physical abuse. This can include isolating their partner from friends and family to increase their dependence.
* Shallow and short-term focus: Their focus is on short-term gains and immediate pleasure rather than long-term commitment. A sociopath may drop a person once they have nothing left to offer and then move on to exploit a new victim.
* Opportunistic loyalty: Any loyalty they show is conditional and serves their own interests rather than stemming from genuine affection. When a partner no longer provides a benefit, that loyalty can end instantly.
The consequences for their partners
A relationship with a sociopath can be emotionally and psychologically damaging. Partners often experience:
* Feelings of confusion and betrayal due to the sociopath's deceit and inconsistent behavior.
* Eroded self-esteem caused by constant manipulation and gaslighting.
* Emotional distress, including anxiety, depression, and loneliness.
* Feelings of isolation as the sociopath works to sever their connection to outside support systems.
Are narcissists even transactional with their own children? - yes. Google Search and Google AI
Are narcissists even transactional with their spouse? - yes. Google Search and Google AI
How narcissists transactional relationships lead to cruelty to others - Google Search and Google AI
How narcissists transactional relationships lead to divorce - Google Search and Google AI
How narcissists transactional relationships with their children lead to estrangement - Google Search and Google AI
Do narcissists ever give up on transactional relationships? - Google Search and Google AI
Can a transactional attitude towards close personal relationships lead to murder? - Google Search and Google AI
Narcissists promises are often fake - even the transactional promises they make (something to keep in mind) - Google Search and Google AI
How narcissists use "future faking" to get you back into a relationship with them, (i.e. hoping the transaction of making promises of "your dreams coming true" will mean more control and power for them) - Google Search and Google AI
The Stages of Narcissistic Relationships - by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Understanding the Sociopath: Cause, Motivation, Relationship
The sociopath remains largely misunderstood. - by Seth Meyers, Psy.D. and reviewed by Abigail Fagan for Psychology Today
Exploring Romantic Relationships with Sociopaths - by the administrators of Our Mental Health
- comes with a number of videos
Can A Sociopath Fall in Love? - Adina ABA staff
Will You Be Seduced by a Sociopath?
Sociopaths use similar tactics in dating, law, business, and politics. - by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD for Psychology Today
Understanding the Sociopath: Cause, Motivation, Relationship
The sociopath remains largely misunderstood. - by Seth Meyers Psy.D. for Psychology Today
How to Spot a Sociopath in 3 Steps
It helps to know some of the warning signs of sociopaths. - by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD for Psychology Today
How to Know if You Are Dealing With a Sociopath
Sociopaths can be violent and dangerous. - by Scott A. Bonn Ph.D. for Psychology Today
Sociopaths: Impaired Sense of Smell
Sociopaths may have impaired olfactory functions. - by Stephanie A. Sarkis Ph.D. for Psychology Today
3 Hidden Powers of Sociopathic Bullies
Watch out for sociopathic bullies who make it seem like you are bullying them. - by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD for Psychology Today
When a Sociopath Is Hell Bent on Destroying You
If you've been abused by a sociopath, here are 16 focus points for recovery. - by Carrie Barron M.D. for Psychology Today
Why Narcissistic Sociopaths Objectify Women
Why some antisocial personality types objectify women and are drawn to politics. - by Clifford N. Lazarus Ph.D. for Psychology Today
While many of them have different ways of dealing with narcissists, and different teachings about what narcissist's grand purpose in the world is, there seems to be a consensus that these are powerless people who attempt to gain power through teaching lessons that hurt others.
They are also most attracted to and want to get into the lives of super sensitive empaths, people in the helping professions, people who are highly evolved, highly intelligent or artistic people, people with a great deal of inner and outer beauty, people who are into causes and justice, lightworkers, great healers, great miracle makers, great peace makers, people who are unsettled by the amount of violence in the human race, and the destruction of the planet, etc.
Not all of them are attracted to these kinds of people, but most of them are.
What they want to teach when they meet super sensitive empaths, and people of that ilk, is not realized, as they cannot bring enlightenment into their teachings with envy in their souls, or with competition with their students as their agenda, and they cannot attain "staying power" by hurting others. That all has to be cleaned out before their teachings are to be taken seriously.
What is realized for these groups of people that narcissists tend to target, if not right away, is that the sensitives and empaths do not usually break and fall apart from the narcissist's dark teachings and techniques, but break a glass ceiling in their own consciousness and spirituality instead, and reach a better position where they are even more sensitive, more tuned in to helping humanity, and know more about how to do it than they did before, and are more inspired by peace, while becoming more intelligent, more grateful, more intuitive, more in tune with the truth, having a far better understanding of the workings of spiritual evolution.
In other words, it is breaking the ceiling to an internal transformation that takes place within oneself.
For those spirit workers or empath workers who got clamped down with PTSD symptoms, the gradual disappearance of symptoms becomes like shedding the skin of a past life. You may find that old wounds you endured become diseased and have to be removed or reworked. As I said, it is like transforming or shedding, take your pick.
In some religious philosophies, the teachers of those religions insist that you thank the teacher/narcissist who helped in breaking the glass ceiling for you. It probably would not have been possible without them (and I believe that is true for a lot of us - sometimes you can't realize anything until you're thrust in the darkness as to where the light in you is).
And while you cannot dwell with that teacher in an unhappy transactional relationship, and weren't meant to, that transactional relationship helps you to break free of wanting a transactional relationship with anyone in the first place. You are as free as a butterfly.
You cannot go back because the reason you healed was to go forward and help others heal.
You would never tolerate it again anyway (for those of you who wonder why sensitives and empaths never go back) - you have graduated from those particular teachings.
According to many spiritual practices, there are always spiritual "energies", or "teachings from beyond" (each religion has their phrase), and you go forward into the light and eventually absorb and become the light.
In my own life, without revealing too much about my spirituality and my journey with that, I believe that "my job" has been to study darkness, to understand its workings, dungeons and traits, to shine the light on it for others who might want a more peaceful world too and show where you will not find it, leading you, I hope, to where you will find it, and eventually show how healing yourself is the light, peace and love you've always wanted.
In healing ourselves, we do heal others, even if we may not have started out with great healing energies or thoughts initially. It might not be obvious at first that it is our duty. But you know when you've arrived at that place where, when someone suffers, your impulse is not to withdraw, but to reach out and comfort.
* Some of the ways Christians deal with narcissists
* Some of the ways Buddhists deal with narcissists
* Some of the ways Pagans deal with narcissists
* Some of the ways Muslims deal with narcissists
* Some of the ways Gypsies (Romani) deal with people of bad intent
* How do Quakers view narcissism?
* Ways in which minorities deal with narcissistic authoritarians
The post convinces. Good to know that discards are part of the narcissistic picture/personality. No more "Why'd that just happen??"
ReplyDeleteNo more "Why'd that just happen??"- exactly.
Delete