Why Do Narcissists Feel So Entitled and Why are They So Rebellious?

ENTITLEMENT

According to the Help Guide article Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

Sense of Entitlement:
Because they consider themselves special, narcissists expect favorable treatment as their due. They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get. They also expect the people around them to automatically comply with their every wish and whim. That is their only value. If you don’t anticipate and meet their every need, then you’re useless. And if you have the nerve to defy their will or “selfishly” ask for something in return, prepare yourself for aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder.

Entitlement is one of the major signs and symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (that whole article is worth reading if you are new to studying narcissism).

If you have a disagreement with the narcissist, expect that they will leave you with a list of demands that they expect to be fulfilled. If you don't fulfill them, you will be given the cold shoulder and they will try to smear your reputation and character. While it is extremely hurtful, don't take it personally - realize that it is part of their disorder.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula (whose video I have inserted below) makes a very good case that a narcissist's sense that they deserve entitlements that others do not deserve, has a deep connection to why they are not empathetic. I recommend it even though it's for narcissist's ears to hear, not their victims.  

In most relationships with narcissists, make-ups aren't a mutual effort. They expect you to make all of the efforts and overtures (that's often the first time you see their entitlement). If you don't do it, most of them just give you the silent treatment and try to sully your reputation. It is their way of showing you contempt for not doing as they please. Most of them go on to someone new who they think will better serve their needs. Usually that is as far as it goes. 

However, it can go much further where they are dangerous to you: stalking, threats, threats of physical or social harm, sexual abuse, financial threats and financial abuse, demands that put you in danger, kidnappings or false imprisonment, murder. 

You won't know how dangerous they are. It depends on their personal make-up and how distracted they are with their new source of narcissistic supply. It also depends upon whether they get similar narcissistic supply that they used to get from you. And it depends on how enraged they become over time about the contact or lack of contact you give them (a warning: they usually aren't happy with either so it is usually a no-win situation).

When they are "supply deficient", when their grandiosity is going through incredible challenges, when they are being called upon to deal with any kind of shame-related or illegal activities that they perpetrated, when they have expressed violent behavior in the past (with peers, or children, or animals), they can become dangerous. If you don't know enough about the violence or illegal activities they perpetrated in their past, the advice is to usually plan an exit, to stay away from them and keep law enforcement in the loop by keeping a record of aggressive texts, e-mails, conversations and actions. Talk to a domestic violence counselor and to police if you think you may be in danger.

Which is to say that their entitlement to initiate punishments and afterwards to receive apologies, attention, for you to be obedient towards them and their wishes, to put up with their abuse can become quite harmful and happen in ways you do not expect.

But ... while they seem fine without you, and even try to promote a separation, there can be a double bind: they usually hate to be ignored. According to the Healthline article, What Is Narcissistic Rage, and What’s the Best Way to Deal with It?

Narcissistic rage is an outburst of intense anger or silence that can happen to someone with narcissistic personality disorder ...

... We all desire attention and admiration from the people around us.

But people with NPD may react with narcissistic rage when they aren’t given the attention that they feel they deserve.

This rage may take the form of screaming and yelling. Selective silence and passive-aggressive avoidance can also happen with narcissistic rage.

Most episodes of narcissistic rage exist on a behavior continuum. On one end, a person may be aloof and withdrawn. Their goal may be to hurt another person by being absent.

The next article I'll present to you basically says the same thing with the caveat that it's a no-win situation for you if you ignore them (when they go silent and you accept the silence between you) or when you engage with them (which is likely to bring out their overt rage and the demand that you give into them): What Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist? According to 8 Experts by the editors of Up Journey: 

How will a narcissist react to being ignored:
If you ignore a narcissist and deny them their source, they may become enraged and try even harder for your attention – especially in ways that can be toxic or abusive. Ignoring a narcissist will enrage them because of their fragile egos. They’ll feel humiliated and lash out against you to protect themselves.

So for all intents and purposes, narcissists who hurt you by rejection and moving on to have a relationship with someone else, who forget about you or don't bother with you any more are a blessing compared to narcissists who become continually enraged that they didn't get what they wanted or expected to get from you (who are more likely to become dangerous). By the time you are discarded and they have moved on, perhaps you are exhausted from trying to please the impossible-to-please narcissist anyway. It certainly won't seem like a blessing at the time, but it can certainly be one later on as you realize that they were only in the relationship with you to attain more and more power, control and domination over you, and basically run your life.

However, if you are involved with a narcissist who is continually becoming enraged (or conversely hoovering and stalking you) over being ignored, what do most domestic violence counselors suggest that you do? 

Most domestic violence counselors will be making suggestions that will keep you safe. A good domestic violence counselor will always make that their first priority. So the general advice is to accept the silent treatment, move on with your life, and if they become enraged to the point where they "punish you" for not giving into them (giving them what they want), these counselors tend to advise getting law enforcement involved. Stalking, harassment (including unwanted communications from them), threats, stealing, slander (smear campaigns), restraining you, financial abuse, false imprisonment, attempted murder, attempted violence and physical abuse are all illegal. Eventually all states in the United States are likely to have coercive control laws to add to this list too. You have rights to peace, boundaries and safety and to not be controlled and manipulated by someone else. Note: people who are controlling in a close personal relationship usually have narcissistic traits. I encourage you to look at the other traits they tend to exhibit (some of them are listed on the right side of this blog) to make a determination if that is who you are dealing with.

A lot of blogs having to do with narcissistic abuse (like the one I found here that is a great blog in terms of what happens when narcissists try to dismantle your reputation and life, but not a good one in terms of keeping safe). These kinds of articles will tell you to keep ignoring the narcissist as he or she ramps up the attacks via smear campaigns, however ignoring them also means they are ramping it up without resistance - quite abusive and dangerous. Abuse always escalates, and most of the time it continues to escalate whether you are talking to them or not. Smear campaigns are just abuse-by-proxy. So resorting to a strategy where you are just ignoring them and their aggressive behavior (or their passive aggressive behavior) and the problems and attacks they are perpetrating in your life are often not a great idea. Always remember that ignoring them (even if they are the ones who originally initiated a silent treatment or discard) can mean that their narcissistic rage is deepening into an obsession, to the point where they have to do something to you to get relief from the rage.

They are often thinking ahead on how to do destruction to you or your life, so you have to think ahead too on how to handle it. Being proactive in terms of reporting is a great way to achieve a record, and to get legal help when you need it. There are many other things to do, and for that a domestic violence counselor should be sought. 

Be aware, however, that victims tend to downplay the abuse and violence they are receiving. "It's not that bad", "He (or she) loves me", "He has a hard day at work, so I give him a little leeway", "She has to take care of all of our kids and I understand why she goes off the deep end sometimes", "I can put up with it", "He (or she) wouldn't be doing this if I had apologized more" and so on. Under-reacting happens because you are overwhelmed (and cognitively in a fight or flight mode), so it's natural to diminish abuse (but it is also dangerous).

Most of the people I know who are continually exposed to narcissistic abuse (including abuse-by-proxy) eventually feel they have to move, go no contact, contact a lawyer, get police involved, to get some sort of relief and legal protection to totally avoid the narcissist and the destruction they are trying to wield. However, moving is not always your preference, or do-able. But sometimes moving and going "no contact" is the best strategy with the present laws and types of protections we have in the United States (where there are too many loopholes in the laws and not a consistent form of training when it comes to police enforcement and protection).

As far as entitlement goes, abusers in general feel entitled to abuse you. They will make all kinds of excuses for why they have a right to abuse and to be emotionally dysregulated (i.e. rage off the charts). The excuses run the gamut:
- "I was abused too as a kid. It was all I ever knew" - while it may be true, they have an obligation to clean up their act.
- "I fed you and took care of you! I was a much better parent than my parent!" - it may be true, but they have an obligation to seek help to stop abusing you. 
- "It's just the way I am! I fly off the handle! If you don't like it, leave!" - good advice. Leave.
- "I'm sorry you're upset. I have a right to rage if I want to. I'm not obligated to be 'Mr. Smooth Emotions' around you." - this shows lack of empathy for what their rage is doing to you (one of the definitive characteristics of narcissism is lack of empathy). While technically rage isn't against the law, it is a form of intimidation that tends to get worse over time. Raging at you a lot is a power and control move: they count on their rage intimidating you enough where you will give in to what they want. It should be a deal-breaker in terms of trying to maintain a healthy relationship.
- "I'm sorry I insulted you so much, but you brought it upon yourself" - very typical phrase among abusers, and a sign of blame-shifting.
- "If you had vacuumed the room perfectly, I wouldn't have gone off on you like that.", "If you had taken all of the dishes out of the dishwasher when I told you to do it, I wouldn't have smashed up the kitchen" - perfectionism in an adult-to-adult relationship is a common expectation among abusers, and they use it as an excuse to abuse. Notice how imperfect they are and stop trying to reach their absurd standards of perfection ( I suggest the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" as that movie demonstrates the absurd levels of perfection that can be expected over time). 
- "Stop crying, or I'll strangle your scrawny little neck!" - they feel entitled to tell you when you get to express emotions. Most narcissists do not have empathy when you cry, and they find it irritating. Plus they get enraged when other people cry over how they are treated by them. It puts the abuser in a shame-rage spiral (when narcissists feel ashamed, unlike the rest of us, they rage - they also do not feel you have a right to shame them, which is another reason they rage). Also, believe them when they make threats of strangulation. They definitely feel entitled to threaten, abuse and rage when they are feeling ashamed by anything, including your crying.
     However, just to put this in perspective, look at how much they shame you and others - probably a lot. Shaming is a form of abuse. Don't take any of this behavior personally and don't put up with their hypocrisies. 
 
Some of the other common entitlements they expect:
- they often feel entitled to tell you what you think and what you feel and will often resist being corrected by you.
- they feel entitled to break your self esteem to teach you that they are more superior than you are, and that you should always be be their student.
- they feel entitled to teach you "behavior lessons" (i.e. to treat you like a child who needs to learn lessons from them on how to behave in ways that will make them happy and where they can feel emotionally regulated enough not to go into a rage)
- they feel entitled to shame you continually (to wreck your self esteem so that they can be in charge of what you do and what you say) 
- they feel entitled to meddle in your career or job. Some of them don't want you to work at all, especially if they are jealous (boss, co-workers, people you have hired, the type of work you do, etc)
- they feel entitled to pit your spouse, siblings, children, grandparents, nieces and nephews, friends, co-workers, and boss against you. 
- they feel entitled to treat their children like little slaves

- they feel entitled to break promises any time they feel like it
- they feel entitled to ignore your feelings

Need I go on? Narcissists can feel entitled to get everything they want, whether they hurt other people or not. The higher they are on the spectrum, the more entitled they will be.

WHY ARE NARCISSISTS SO REBELLIOUS?

One of the telling signs of a narcissist is road rage, going way past the speed limit, passing on the solid line, not letting you merge with traffic, hitting your car with their car and telling you that it was "all your fault". 

If you are riding with them and you get into an argument in the car and you aren't responding the way they want you to, they can threaten to drop you off in the middle of nowhere and make you walk. 

Some of the other things I have noticed personally:

* swimming in reservoirs (for drinking water) where there are clear signs that say things like "no swimming and no boating"
* on the Long Island ferry there are clear signs everywhere that cars should not be started until the boat docks and comes to a complete stop. But invariably the "entitled people" start their cars up anyway, sometimes way before they see land (to keep the heater on, to listen to music - gassing out the people in the car behind them). 
* during the mask ordinance, a lot of the people who didn't wear masks felt that they had special immune systems, or special medications, that they could dodge the virus while watching the rest of their countrymen die or get sick (because, they reasoned, the average citizens had "inferior immunity", and lack of knowledge about medical or herbal "cures") 
* break laws about nude swimming
* stealing
* if they are "financially challenged", and a car is unlocked with a wallet in the front seat, they might feel entitled to take it
* having affairs despite their marriage vows to stay faithful
* abandoning their children, and because they don't want to be embarrassed by that fact, they tell others that their children abandoned them instead
* they are caught cheating and to not be embarrassed it, they tell the person who caught them that their spouse is a domestic violence offender and that their new lover is saving them
* they indulge in domestic violence and child abuse even though it is illegal
* false imprisonment even though it is illegal
* trespassing even though it is illegal
* stalking, even though it is illegal
* threats to hurt their spouse or grown children if you don't do what they demand (illegal in some states in the USA under new coercive control laws, completely illegal in the United Kingdom)
* teaching a child how to shoot a pistol even though it is illegal
* killing wild animals out of season, harvesting more wild animals that is over the legal limit
* torturing wild animals in ways that are illegal
* setting traps where there are "no hunting, fishing or trapping" signs
* hunting on private property where there are "no hunting, fishing or trapping" signs, hunting within 100 yards of someone's house (both illegal) 
* consumption and trafficking of illegal substances
* trafficking children or other human beings
* lie about how much alcohol and drugs they consume
* lie about cheating
* lie about being victimized when they are the victimizers
* then there is Jeffrey Epstein who felt entitled to have sex with a lot of underage girls, breaking the law blatantly, because he was wealthy, had co-conspirators, manipulated prosecutors into giving him "sweetheart deals" and had "dirt" on other wealthy people - he had all of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder plus some of the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder and communal narcissism.   
* and then there are a lot of narcissists who don't want to care a shred about how you feel and what you've endured, and they also feel entitled to refuse to hear you out, but when you put up boundaries and refuse to talk to them about certain subjects, and want "out" of the relationship, they find it maddening and cruel 

Most of these incidences show rebellion. In other words, they feel entitled to act in these ways, but do not want others in their life to act like this towards them.

This is all so confusing when it comes to children: "Am I supposed to do what you do, or am I supposed to only listen to what you want me to do? And by the way, why do you get to do what you don't want me to do?" That's where the cognitive dissonance starts: wrong is right somehow, and right is somehow wrong. If you are a good kid and tell the truth, you are somehow bad, and if you lie a lot (especially for them) you are good. That's just a small example of the thousands of mixed up messages kids get. And to make it all worse, one kid from the same family practically gets away with murder, while another kid can't even get away with a facial expression the narcissist doesn't like without getting abused over it. That is because narcissistic parents put their children in roles. And to randomize this set of circumstances, some narcissists change the roles on their children so that no child gets comfortable with consistent treatment!

One of the greatest hypocrisies that most people notice early on in a relationship with a narcissist is that they expect complete compliance, conventional adherence, loyalty, and even hate any signs of rebelliousness from their victims, but are often over-the-top rebellious themselves, refusing to live by the standards they set for others.

They feel free to thumb their noses at societal norms, to be disloyal, to lie and over-inflate what they do and who they are, even break laws, and to top it all off, too cowardly to confess when they've broken laws. But others? They want complete confessions and reparations, especially if abuses, mixed messages and crimes committed against them. They have expectations of others that they would never live up to themselves. 

If they are so rebellious, why can't they give you a break when you are just a tad rebellious? Do they only give themselves a break to act out, and excuse themselves for acting out, and not you? 

The answer to this is "yes". 

And it is why it is so hard to respect them, or even listen to their defenses, lectures, insistences of compliance, and attacks on our character. We get fed up with their double standards and their "Do as I say and not as I do" stances and excuses. 

It's all about how they feel entitled to "special treatment", the typical definition found in just about every major medical description of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Entitlement, rebelliousness, "it's okay for me to act like this, but not okay for you" attitudes, and all of the glaring and myriad hypocrisies around their entitlements are too hard to live with day in and out, for anyone ... They are also some of the first signs that we see when we have gotten to know narcissists a little for who they really are. We come to understand that entitlement explains why they break promises without any kind of feeling or introspection, but feel that others should not only keep their promises to the narcissist, but do everything the narcissist wants. What kind of fantasy world do they live in?

A big one.

Their entitlement and hypocritical rebellions are also one of the biggest contributors to why they are incapable of hanging on to deep authentic close personal relationships. They can't be close to people because they have a compulsion to control them in ways they can't be controlled = bad outcome for relationships of longevity. 

"Introduction to Entitlement"

by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:
(my note: she makes the case that entitlement is deeply connected to their lack of empathy):

"Understanding the narcissist's entitlement (30 DAYS OF NARCISSISM) - Dr. Ramani Durvasula"

"When narcissists use their performance/accomplishments to justify their entitlement"
by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:

"Your Disobedience Toward A Narcissist's Control"
by psychologist Dr. Les Carter
for Surviving Narcissism

"7 Signs Of A Narcissist's Entitlement"
by psychologist, Dr. Les Carter:

"How To Handle A Narcissist - Dr. Phil"
with Dr. Phil McGraw:

also from Dr. Phil McGraw that I thought was really to the point
(he makes the case of why narcissists should not be in therapy):
What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

FURTHER READING

Narcissism and Entitlement: "Do I Have to Stand in Line?" (When living large means something different) - by Karyl McBride Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Covert Narcissist: Signs, Causes, and How to Respond - by Jodi Clarke, MA, LPC/MHSP, Medically reviewed by David Susman, PhD for Very Well Mind

Revisiting the Psychology of Narcissistic Entitlement (Not all narcissists are created equally when it comes to entitlement). - by Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Endlessly Entitled Narcissists: What to Look For - by Linda Sapadin, Ph.D for Psych Central

Do Narcissists Ever Grow Up? (New research investigates continuity and change in narcissism from young adulthood to midlife) - by Scott Barry Kaufman for Scientific American 

What Is Narcissistic Entitlement And What To Do About It - by Melanie Tania Evans, popular You Tuber and writer on narcissism

How to Think Like a Narcissist and Why They Hurt People (Understanding a narcissist's mind shields and empowers you to react effectively.) - by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT for Psychology Today

The Psychology Behind Sense Of Entitlement - by Robert Porter for Better Help

Tell Me All I Need to Know About Narcissistic Personality Disorder - by Christina Gregory, PhD
and Krista Soriano, medically reviewed by Jean Kim, MD for Psycom

Narcissistic Entitlement - by Roy F. Baumeister & Kathleen D. Vohs for Sage Knowledge

How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother - by Dr. Silvina Galperin, C. Psych. for CBT Psychology for Personal Development

The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer - by Jay Reid for Jay Reid Psychotherapy

Narcissistic Parents Are Literally Incapable Of Loving Their Children - by Joanna McClanahan for the Scary Mommy website 

5 Damaging Lies We Learn From Narcissistic Parents - by Shahida Arabi, Contributor, #1 Amazon Bestselling Author and Founder of Self-Care Haven for the Huffington Post

the smear campaign in abuse and bullying, why perpetrators slander and try to get others to deride you and hate you

title of illustration: "The Smear Campaign"

© art by Lise Winne

According to Wikipedia a smear campaign is:

an effort to damage or call into question someone's reputation, by propounding negative propaganda. It can be applied to individuals or groups ...

... Smear tactics differ from normal discourse or debate in that they do not bear upon the issues or arguments in question. A smear is a simple attempt to malign a group or an individual with the aim of undermining their credibility.

Smears often consist of ad hominem attacks in the form of unverifiable rumors and distortions, half-truths, or even outright lies ... the tactic is often effective because the target's reputation is tarnished before the truth is known.

Psychopaths and Narcissists

Smear campaigns have been identified as a common weapon of psychopaths[1][3] and narcissists.[4][5][6]

Legality

In many countries, the law recognizes the value of reputation and credibility. Both libel (a false and damaging publication) and slander (a false and damaging oral statement) are often punishable by law and may result in imprisonment or compensation or fees for damages done.

Words related to "smear campaign" include: psychological manipulation, character assassination, discrediting tactic, vilifying, shame campaign, false accusations and swift boating.

Slander differs slightly in meaning from "smear campaign". According to Wikipedia, slander is:

a false statement that harms the reputation of an individual person, business, product, group, government, religion, or nation.[1]

Under common law, to constitute defamation, a claim must generally be false and must have been made to someone other than the person defamed.[2] Some common law jurisdictions also distinguish between spoken defamation, called slander, and defamation in other media such as printed words or images, called libel.[3]

False light laws protect against statements which are not technically false, but which are misleading.[4]

In some civil law jurisdictions, defamation is treated as a crime rather than a civil wrong.[5] The United Nations Human Rights Committee ruled in 2012 that the libel law of one country, the Philippines, was inconsistent with Article 19 of the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights, as well as urging that "State parties [to the Covenant] should consider the decriminalization of libel".[6]

A person who defames another may be called a "defamer", "libeler", "slanderer", or, rarely, "famacide".

In other words, "slander" is used more as a legal term than "smear campaign" and tends to be in the form of publications than spoken words, though both have legal ramifications.

The point of using smear campaigns and slander for abusers is to isolate the victim of abuse. For victims of child abuse, the abuser will usually try to isolate you from your family members. For victims of spousal abuse, the abuser will usually try to isolate you from common friends or from your mutual children (called parental alienation, which can turn into parental alienation syndrome), or from co-workers and superiors (for victims of workplace bullying). In general, it is meant to hurt someone else socially. When victims are isolated socially, it makes victims more vulnerable to ever more attack, by ever more people, therefor making the victimization more probable. At its core it is a campaign to rouse others to vilify a target.

You can count on it being used in all abusive situations. It is so predictable, in fact, that if you are a target of abuse, count on it being used and prepare yourself!

The smear campaign in personal abusive situations is a bit different than political, religious or racial smears. For one thing, it is usually told behind your back. If it is in front of you, it is meant to bust up an alliance that you have with another person with fishy facts (divide and conquer). Most perpetrators use smear campaigns in the following way: lies to make you appear as a perpetrator of abuse and the perpetrator to look like the victim of abuse (this is called the DARVO tactic - very common).

The smear campaign feels so necessary to abusers because without attempting to ruin your reputation, you would not go through the maximum amount of "consequence" for what they perceive as "disloyalty" to them (yes, they view themselves as kings and queens). Most abusers want targets to go through the maximum amount of suffering, injustice and damage because they are sadists. Most of them try to do it in a way that does not get them in trouble with the law, however many perpetrators also aren't careful with the law because they assume their victims have higher regard for them than is really the case (that is one reason they are branded as narcissistic). Check with your attorney. Laws for victims are always changing.

Why is isolating a victim so necessary for a perpetrator?

Because they think like predators. If there is a herd, they try to separate the person from the herd.

They do this by trying to ostracize their targets emotionally first. They do it by steps. The first step is to taunt, chide and to dominate their target in what ever way they can in front of others. They try to establish themselves as the authority while at the same time establishing you as the underling (or listener). In the beginning, they try to pass off their derision as your words being funny, a party, a joke. They constantly gauge others' reactions to see if their agenda is working to their favor; i.e. at getting others to see their perspective. They feel if they can get people to agree with their perspective, then they can escalate the bullying. They also gauge how many people are defending the victims so that they can talk them into another perspective. Most of all, they want to see others joining in on laughing, chiding and taunting.

The target may even welcome the laughter at first, just to show he is a good sport. He may say funny things in return (self-mock, much as a comedian would), but in order to make sure others aren't liking the target too much in this stage, the perpetrator will escalate by throwing in a little dig.

It becomes apparent to the target before it becomes apparent to others that he, the target, is being used more than others as a laughing stock. He is also being used, ever-so-slightly, as the object of insults. If the target reacts with pain, the perpetrator might say, "Can't you just take a joke? Aren't you capable of fun? What is wrong with you?"

There is a reason why "What is wrong with you?" is part of the dialogue. It is to get others to doubt your ways of perceiving what is happening, your social competence. It is a way to set up a pecking order too, so that the perpetrator can dominate and control how others see you, the target. It is a way for the bully to become an authority on what the target is about, and especially to constantly whittle away at how the target is being perceived by others as well. The perpetrator might start saying other things along with the usual "What's wrong with you?" like "Why don't you understand anything? Why don't you see that this is just light fun? Why can't you see that we all love you and you're just being sensitive? Why can't you have a sense of humor along with the rest of us? Why are you backing off? Why can't you just go along? Don't be a drama queen!" and so on.

Basically all of this is a form of gaslighting, which is usually part of abuse too. Most gaslighting is slow and insidious.

In order to run a successful smear campaign, gaslighting is necessary in order to get the target/prey separated from the herd, and to get the herd to look at the member as not desirable or lovable, and eventually expendable and worthless.

If the abuser is a sibling, he may want total control of parents and for ALL of the family resources to go his way. If the abuser is a spouse, he may want total control of the kids, and what better way than to smear the other parent? Or he may want his spouse to be an under-ling, in a subservient role where he is calling all of the shots in the marriage. If the abuser is a co-worker, he may be trying to climb the ladder by vilifying and making up stories about his co-worker. If the abuser is a boss, he may be trying to shame you into working harder (ineffective -- in fact, self-sabotaging).

However, gaslighting can work effectively in the short run (as a quick fix) even if it is damaging in the long run.

If the initial gaslighting goes successfully, the perpetrator will then start to cut off as much influence as possible so that the target is no longer part of the herd, and shunned. If a member of the herd listens intently, the perpetrator might interject: "You poor soul! You're seeing her?" or "You're going to listen to her?" or "You know better than to take her seriously!" or "You shouldn't listen to her. You know what the truth is," or "Your ideas are so much better than hers. Why are you listening to her?" or "I swear to God, I'm sick of what she's done to me! How can you listen to her?" or "You can't be listening to her again! You know better than that!" or "You don't know her like I know her." Perpetrators shame other parts of the herd who listen to or have a relationship with the victim. They are also known to arm-twist people who are on the sidelines with rewards, punishments or threats.

It is all very evil ... and unfortunately planned and common among abusers. The whole point of the perpetrator's agenda is to get others to doubt the target more and more and more and more (subtly through time, going in one direction in the continual escalation of abuse), and to render the target voiceless, with perspectives and experiences not worthy of taking seriously or listening to by others in the group. The perpetrator might interrupt the target, find ways to cut off the target's speech, find ways to make a joke out of what the target said, find ways to denigrate what was said, find ways to re-interpret what was said so that it sounds bad, and so on. The whole point is to make the target appear ugly and undesirable to others, to assign ugly motives, ugly words, ugly perspectives, ugly philosophies, ugly incompetencies.

Sometimes both the targets and the herd are confused as to what is really going on, for awhile, but one thing becomes apparent: the target often withdraws, and sometimes goes completely silent, while the perpetrator seems to be dominating most of the time and is getting ever more arrogant, swaggering and blustering as the escalation progresses (I will talk about some reasons for arrogance in another post, so check back).  

If the others do join in, eventually what happens is that the perpetrator starts to escalate to the next level. If the target speaks up, or has a perspective that he wants considered, the perpetrator will either interrupt, find some way to cut the target off from expressing anything, or try to shame or accuse the target of some kind of fallacious wrongdoing.  

Then they try in subtle ways to work on others to see the target as flawed, whether that be calling the target stupid, crazy, ugly, incompetent, not worthwhile, untruthful, selfish, lazy, provoking, too sensitive, or all of it. More often than not, it is all of it, and I mean ALL of it, whether the name-calling is intellectualized or not ("intellectualized meaning replacing "mentally ill" with crazy, "intellectually challenged" for stupid, etc) -- it is all the same thing in the end as far as how abusive it is.

What is most insidious about this progression is that it is erroneous, called erroneous blaming, another form of abuse.

When perpetrators make their target a laughing stock successfully, they have won half the battle. If they have successfully enlisted others to deride the target, they have won all of the battle.

This is when you will notice that the perpetrator escalates by insulting, denigrating and humiliating the target. Even in this next step, they are constantly gauging other people's reactions to see how far they are willing to follow along with going along with abuses (called gang bullying or mobbing). It is a slow process, but absolutely intentional, and it can be deadly (as some targets are driven to suicide, especially if they have no other social networks).

There are challenges to this trajectory, of course, but that is for another post. In the meantime, it is important to put up strong boundaries and to pursue new relationships that they cannot infiltrate.

The smear campaign is an ugly political campaign.

It is probably the worst stage of abuse, especially if it is successful in isolating the target socially. Social isolation means that abusers will have an easier time getting away with abuses within the social group because no one will stand up for the target. Some people rate being gaslighted higher on the scale of being abused than all other forms of abuse, but I would rate the smear campaign higher if only because smears include a lot of gaslighting and lying with a gang mentality. It is like a criminal getting away with a crime, and continuing with more crimes against you, to destroy your life bit, by bit, by bit. It can negatively effect your self esteem and dreams for living in peace without abuse and coercion.

Smears are done to get a victim of abuse derided by any group of people that will listen to smears, and to take smears seriously, as truth. To a perpetrator, it is like getting a jury of peers to all agree. That group of people can include anyone close to you including your family, inlaws, spouse, children, co-workers, boss and friends. Some perpetrators of abuse try to smear your reputation to every person they know about in your social sphere through subtle stalking (I talk about that in this post about triangulation).

If you have gotten used to the silent treatment from an abuser, and prefer to live with it, and if the abuser has caught on that the silent treatment is not packing enough of a punch in terms of making you feel miserable, hoovering you back with love bombing can be the only way they feel they can get access to your latest social contacts and social influences to smear your reputation again and again. The more clever narcissists do feign that living without you has become impossible. They also feign that they are truly sorry for everything they have done, that they cannot live without you any more and will do just about anything to make it up to you. They have also been known to fake tears (crocodile tears) just to gain access to more of your social support. Beware!

The reason why you need to be wary? It is really the only way that they can do damage again, to control, to keep testing their smears with ever more of the people in your life. If they can influence other people's perceptions of you, they feel they have an endless avenue to keep up the abuses and smears. And if you won't let them back in your life, they can, and often do, send out their flying monkeys to lay guilt trips on you. They can even become dangerous stalkers who show up at events just to make you uncomfortable and to rattle you by their intense gazes, dirty looks, tisking and constant presence.

Hoovering often happens when you are getting successful or are successful at something in your life, i.e. when you aren't thinking about them any more. Perpetrators can't stand to be left out in the cold during your high-flying times, so their personalities can often switch to super sticky sweet with crocodile tears when they feel deflated and insecure again (i.e. when their arrogant steps start to flag).

Many abusers could be classified as insane if it weren't for their use of gaslighting and the smear campaign. Unfortunately, that is where evil departs from simple insanity.

Further reading:

This part will be brief as another post is in the works as to how abuse effects the whole family, and why it is such a multi-generational scourge. 

Psychological splitting "is not healthy for children and other living things." - the quote actually comes from a poster (artwork) that was circulating in the 1960s about the Vietnam War that said "War is not healthy for children and other living things." 

Many psychologists have said that domestic abuse is "war at home" and has the same psychological effects, physical effects, and emotional effects as war.  

For the child who is deemed all bad: the effects are feelings of anger at the injustice at being labeled that way (and many children catch on that their abusers like provoking injustice in their victims), feelings of hopelessness, depression, low self esteem (especially if they don't know why it is happening or they don't trust their expressions to come across the way they want to come across), living with constant threats or blackmail, living without the empathy of their parent, expected to please a parent who is shouting "that's not good enough!" when they try to please (because the parent labels you all bad no matter what you do because they can't get out of their own black and white thinking about people - even young children realize their parent is rigid, incapable of reasonableness, and unenlightened). But even when kids realize what is going on, it is terrifying when you are a child-hostage to this kind of parent. A lot of survivors go one of two ways:

1. stay quiet, try to fulfill dreams in their alone time, many are artistic, make plans way before they become full adults about what they will do with their lives, have constant fantasies about running away, are forced to be adults way too soon, and work really, really hard as they are aware that they may very well have to live without familial support. 

2. try to please, but then realize it isn't working (because the black and white thinking isn't changing). Then the child or teenager reacts: they rebel like crazy and do everything the parent does not like or want. They literally try to drive the parent crazy: "You don't like who I am? Well, now you're really not going to like who I am!" They stay out late at night, dress in ways which will make the parent embarrassed, talk about their parent in disparaging ways, they make off-hand remarks, they insult the parent right back, if the parent takes a swing at them, they take a swing right back (it becomes a mutually violent relationship). These are your "talk-back" kids. They try to make the parent feel as entrapped and miserable as the parent has been doing to the child. They lash out and expose the severe isolation and punishments (see above how psychological splitting contributes to abuse and severe punishing behaviors). The kid looks at the parent who has labeled them as all bad as the all bad parent, and the other parent, who, if they are not abusive, as the saint and all good parent. In other words, splitting in the adult sometimes causes splitting in the child. A non-empathetic view of the child creates a non-empathetic view of the parent. The parent is so all bad that they could care less if their parent lives or dies. They become hardened.

Sometimes there is a little of both going on, but usually one of these avenues is the predominant one, and most who are deemed to be all bad children by a parent choose avenue #1 simply because the second one is self-sabotaging (the parent is already sabotaging them, and if anything, they want to protect themselves from any more sabotage, and the best way to do that is to work hard).

And then there are domino effects:

Let's create a scenario that explains one way a splitting nightmare occurs (although there are many):

Let's say that it's the mother who sees her daughter as all bad. 

As the father is made aware that this is happening, and the abuse of the daughter is escalating and inevitable because of the labeling, he tries to protect the daughter. 

Narcissists are generally very childish, and also control freaks, and this narcissistic mother decides to retaliate against her husband for going against her views that the daughter is all bad. She stops cooking meals, she stops helping around the house, she stops the sex, she goes out shopping a lot with the money that he made, she basically "punishes him" (note that adult-to-adult punishments like this are labeled as "passive aggressive bullying" - typical of covert narcissists, malignant narcissists and high functioning sociopaths when they cannot extort certain viewpoints out of their mates). 

So, since she is not getting anywhere with her husband, she enlists their other child (let's say it is the big sister of the child the mother hates). Big sister agrees with the mother's views that her sister is all bad too, to stay in the mother's good graces, and hoping to be rewarded for it too. Eventually big sister is rewarded, so engages in psychological splitting in other ways: labeling, deriding, passive aggressive bullying, all in see-monkey-do fashion. Big sister becomes a narc, just like her mother. 

So the father tries to discipline big sister because he finds her doing unethical things to her younger sister. The mother tries to protect the big sister.

So then the family becomes "split":

Big sister and mother become one unit, and little sister and father become the other unit. 

The mother, meantime, escalates the punishments of her husband by having affairs. 

This creates more splitting in the family with mother, new husband and big sister all living in one house together, and little sister and father living in another house together.

The mother then tries to convince her new husband that her ex husband is all bad and that her youngest daughter is all bad too. Like any narc, she exaggerates or falsifies stories to look like a saint parent to her new husband. And the new husband goes along with the vision lock, stock and barrel - what does he have to lose in not going along with all of it? If he goes along with it, he shows her complete loyalty (which is what all narcs crave).

So everything "hums" along, except the youngest daughter and mother are becoming more and more estranged to the point where they rarely ever see each other. The youngest daughter is happy with the estrangement, remembering her childhood. 

For a narc parent, the problem of having an ex-spouse they are trying to vilify and make out as an all bad parent is that if the youngest child is so attached, praising him up and down, and telling their mutual friends about her mother's affair, their estrangement, how her father is the caring loving parent who is always there for her, it makes the mother feel insecure, and she's losing at the I am the great parent and my ex is the all bad parent, so tries to "win" the youngest daughter from her father by playing a "let's see who can give more" kind of game. 

The father is not too insecure about losing his youngest daughter's love over this, and he knows it is a game, but because the mother has smeared his good name so much, it makes him uneasy (like "What manipulation will she try next?"). In other words, to make her ex-husband look all bad to their mutual friends, she has to split father and youngest daughter. In order to do that, she now has to figure out way to find traits in her daughter that amount to all good so that she can finally vilify her ex-husband as all bad so that the mutual friends will take her side (so they are no longer split in their minds and indecisive). 

Big sister, in the meantime, wants to be loved by her father too, not just by her mother. But the mother resents big sister wanting to spend any time with the all bad ex

All of the sudden praise of the young sister makes big sister insecure, so big sister becomes disillusioned with the mother who has always given her a higher status over the little sister. Big sister becomes resentful, and goes to live with the father, thus creating another split. However, little sister isn't trusting of this big sudden change, especially as she has been seen as all bad and had to endure so much abuse from being looked at as all bad for most of her childhood.

Meanwhile the mother's sisters are all estranged from one daughter too (each of them). 

Dealing with the Narcissist's Smear Campaign (How not to get sucked in and wiped out and eventually recover) - by Peg Streep for Psychology Today

The Vindictive Narcissist -- by Joseph Burgo, PhD

Debunking the Narcissist’s Smear Campaign -- by Zari Ballard

Why Narcissistic People Lie, Smear Campaign, and Gossip About Victims -- from the Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My blog

Flying Monkeys Lie and Say Narcissistic Abuse Heals Over Time -- also from the Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My blog

Smear Campaign survival strategies recommended by and for Abuse Survivors -- also from the Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My blog

Smear Campaign: Is a Narcissist Trying to Ruin Your Rep? -- by Angela Atkinson for the Queen Being website

The Smear Campaign - View it as a Badge of Honor -- by "My Emotional Vampire" (facebook)

Narcissism and Parental Alienation Syndrome -- by Sharie Stines, Psyd

This part will be brief as another post is in the works as to how abuse effects the whole family, and why it is such a multi-generational scourge. 

Psychological splitting "is not healthy for children and other living things." - the quote actually comes from a poster (artwork) that was circulating in the 1960s about the Vietnam War that said "War is not healthy for children and other living things." 

Many psychologists have said that domestic abuse is "war at home" and has the same psychological effects, physical effects, and emotional effects as war.  

For the child who is deemed all bad: the effects are feelings of anger at the injustice at being labeled that way (and many children catch on that their abusers like provoking injustice in their victims), feelings of hopelessness, depression, low self esteem (especially if they don't know why it is happening or they don't trust their expressions to come across the way they want to come across), living with constant threats or blackmail, living without the empathy of their parent, expected to please a parent who is shouting "that's not good enough!" when they try to please (because the parent labels you all bad no matter what you do because they can't get out of their own black and white thinking about people - even young children realize their parent is rigid, incapable of reasonableness, and unenlightened). But even when kids realize what is going on, it is terrifying when you are a child-hostage to this kind of parent. A lot of survivors go one of two ways:

1. stay quiet, try to fulfill dreams in their alone time, many are artistic, make plans way before they become full adults about what they will do with their lives, have constant fantasies about running away, are forced to be adults way too soon, and work really, really hard as they are aware that they may very well have to live without familial support. 

2. try to please, but then realize it isn't working (because the black and white thinking isn't changing). Then the child or teenager reacts: they rebel like crazy and do everything the parent does not like or want. They literally try to drive the parent crazy: "You don't like who I am? Well, now you're really not going to like who I am!" They stay out late at night, dress in ways which will make the parent embarrassed, talk about their parent in disparaging ways, they make off-hand remarks, they insult the parent right back, if the parent takes a swing at them, they take a swing right back (it becomes a mutually violent relationship). These are your "talk-back" kids. They try to make the parent feel as entrapped and miserable as the parent has been doing to the child. They lash out and expose the severe isolation and punishments (see above how psychological splitting contributes to abuse and severe punishing behaviors). The kid looks at the parent who has labeled them as all bad as the all bad parent, and the other parent, who, if they are not abusive, as the saint and all good parent. In other words, splitting in the adult sometimes causes splitting in the child. A non-empathetic view of the child creates a non-empathetic view of the parent. The parent is so all bad that they could care less if their parent lives or dies. They become hardened.

Sometimes there is a little of both going on, but usually one of these avenues is the predominant one, and most who are deemed to be all bad children by a parent choose avenue #1 simply because the second one is self-sabotaging (the parent is already sabotaging them, and if anything, they want to protect themselves from any more sabotage, and the best way to do that is to work hard).

And then there are domino effects:

Let's create a scenario that explains one way a splitting nightmare occurs (although there are many):

Let's say that it's the mother who sees her daughter as all bad. 

As the father is made aware that this is happening, and the abuse of the daughter is escalating and inevitable because of the labeling, he tries to protect the daughter. 

Narcissists are generally very childish, and also control freaks, and this narcissistic mother decides to retaliate against her husband for going against her views that the daughter is all bad. She stops cooking meals, she stops helping around the house, she stops the sex, she goes out shopping a lot with the money that he made, she basically "punishes him" (note that adult-to-adult punishments like this are labeled as "passive aggressive bullying" - typical of covert narcissists, malignant narcissists and high functioning sociopaths when they cannot extort certain viewpoints out of their mates). 

So, since she is not getting anywhere with her husband, she enlists their other child (let's say it is the big sister of the child the mother hates). Big sister agrees with the mother's views that her sister is all bad too, to stay in the mother's good graces, and hoping to be rewarded for it too. Eventually big sister is rewarded, so engages in psychological splitting in other ways: labeling, deriding, passive aggressive bullying, all in see-monkey-do fashion. Big sister becomes a narc, just like her mother. 

So the father tries to discipline big sister because he finds her doing unethical things to her younger sister. The mother tries to protect the big sister.

So then the family becomes "split":

Big sister and mother become one unit, and little sister and father become the other unit. 

The mother, meantime, escalates the punishments of her husband by having affairs. 

This creates more splitting in the family with mother, new husband and big sister all living in one house together, and little sister and father living in another house together.

The mother then tries to convince her new husband that her ex husband is all bad and that her youngest daughter is all bad too. Like any narc, she exaggerates or falsifies stories to look like a saint parent to her new husband. And the new husband goes along with the vision lock, stock and barrel - what does he have to lose in not going along with all of it? If he goes along with it, he shows her complete loyalty (which is what all narcs crave).

So everything "hums" along, except the youngest daughter and mother are becoming more and more estranged to the point where they rarely ever see each other. The youngest daughter is happy with the estrangement, remembering her childhood. 

For a narc parent, the problem of having an ex-spouse they are trying to vilify and make out as an all bad parent is that if the youngest child is so attached, praising him up and down, and telling their mutual friends about her mother's affair, their estrangement, how her father is the caring loving parent who is always there for her, it makes the mother feel insecure, and she's losing at the I am the great parent and my ex is the all bad parent, so tries to "win" the youngest daughter from her father by playing a "let's see who can give more" kind of game. 

The father is not too insecure about losing his youngest daughter's love over this, and he knows it is a game, but because the mother has smeared his good name so much, it makes him uneasy (like "What manipulation will she try next?"). In other words, to make her ex-husband look all bad to their mutual friends, she has to split father and youngest daughter. In order to do that, she now has to figure out way to find traits in her daughter that amount to all good so that she can finally vilify her ex-husband as all bad so that the mutual friends will take her side (so they are no longer split in their minds and indecisive). 

Big sister, in the meantime, wants to be loved by her father too, not just by her mother. But the mother resents big sister wanting to spend any time with the all bad ex

All of the sudden praise of the young sister makes big sister insecure, so big sister becomes disillusioned with the mother who has always given her a higher status over the little sister. Big sister becomes resentful, and goes to live with the father, thus creating another split. However, little sister isn't trusting of this big sudden change, especially as she has been seen as all bad and had to endure so much abuse from being looked at as all bad for most of her childhood.

Meanwhile the mother's sisters are all estranged from one daughter too (each of them). 

From Sacha Slone on how the smear campaign happens
(in her own words):
"Narcissists and Sociopaths pump targets for information, store it, and file it away in their brain to use against the target one day. The only solution is to NOT share personal information with people you don't know or trust 100%":

From someone who has been through a smear campaign
by Tom ("Narcissism Survivor")

found on Twitter:

from sun-gazing.com