What is New?


November 26: How to Gray Rock Narcissistic Family Members at Thanksgiving: post here and updated with a video by Dr. Ramani Durvasula (more about dealing with holidays here)
November 20: the first petition I have seen of its kind: Protection for Victims of Narcissistic Sociopath Abuse (such as the laws the UK has, and is being proposed for the USA): story here and here or sign the actual petition here
November 10: Psychologists are discussing whether Narcissism is an autism spectrum disorder. Link to one article here about it, with my comments afterwards
September 22: After seeing my images on social media unattributed, I find it necessary to post some rules about sharing my images
September 1: my newest movie review on Mommie Dearest, the quintessential child abuse movie

Friday, October 30, 2015

why narcissistic abusers pick the worst times of your life to inflict pain and do damage

name of cartoon: "Narc Happiness"
image is © Lise Winne

If you are being abused at the worst point of your life, your abuser probably has a personality disorder (most likely either Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder).

According to licensed social worker Bree Bonchay from her post The Timing And Motivation Behind Why Most Narcissists Discard Their Partners:

I have heard many stories where narcissists have dumped their partners right before a major holiday, or their partner’s birthday, or after their partner shared something very personal, or right before a special planned event, or when their partner was down on their luck, or grieving the loss of a loved one or even diagnosed with a serious illness and the list continues.

The narcissist will purposely choose the most heartless and shocking time in your life to discard you. They thrive off kicking you when you’re down. This increases the odds that you will come completely unhinged by the cruelty of their cold-blooded actions and sheer surprise of your expulsion ...

In short, it is because they get off on being cruel, and the more pain you express, the more they like it. It is called "narcissistic supply". Abusers are, in general, morally insane (unless they have learned the behavior). They usually plan discards for awhile. From the same article:

It gives them a temporary rush. Watching your heart break with agony is literally intoxicating to them. It’s the equivalent to a hit of cocaine. Their behavior, post discard, may appear almost manic as they become drunk in their own premeditated ego boost ...

... If you’ve been discarded, most likely it’s a tribute to your strength. You started seeing through their charade. You began challenging the narcissist on their lies and hypocrisy. You saw their mask slip and caught a glimpse of the evil, phony person that they have been hiding from you. At that point, you’re no longer a good source of supply. Your expiration date has arrived. Your inkling or glimpse of the truth of what has been hiding behind the mask cancels and invalidates the deluded image the narcissist has of themselves. Their cover has been blown and to survive they need to discard you so they don’t have to acknowledge the reality of their real, flawed self. To acknowledge the truth of their real-self would shatter the narcissist into smithereens from which they could never recover.

A lot of narcissistic abusers think they are smarter than others because they can fool others. Pulling the wool over others' eyes is largely why they feel superior. They have pretended to love you, to care about you, to enjoy your company, but inside they are thinking, "Sucker!!!! How stupid that they fell for that!! Ha, ha!" Or at least that is what a lot of narcissists admit to in forums.

It is kind of like a criminal mentality: trying to distract a shop keeper with accolades and good intentions while an accomplice cleans out the cash register.

But it is hard to understand the feelings of superiority that arise from acting like that, especially since most criminals get caught, or they have to live with the paranoia of getting caught on a daily basis.

It is like they purposely ride between two lanes on the superhighway of their life to cause a multi-car crash. Most of us think "sick-o" instead of "I admire him for being like that". People who build, are creative, who contribute big ideas, who are leaders of causes, are, by and large, the people we look up to in our society, not the people who pull others down, lie, cheat and enjoy watching destruction. Sure, destroyers get to be on TV if they've caused the unlawful variety, which is one part of the short-lived ego boost, but they are also derided and put away in prison for a long time, and some of them are lethally injected too. So it is hard to understand.

It is probably only understandable to someone who studies crocodiles: they look placid, then surprise attack, pull the victim in, drown them and trap them, feed on them and stash some of the meat away for another time. But having a predatory reptilian mind is superiority? Ew.

But perhaps that is part of the personality disorder to feel so arrogant and self satisfied from being glib, swindling, lying and damaging, traits most of us would be ashamed to have.

While the rest of the 99 percent of the population are in relationships for genuine reasons, to give and receive love, to intimately share life's struggles and to help one another, narcissistic abusers are never in relationships for those reasons. Most of these abusers keep as much of their own information as they can close to the chest while peppering others with questions and demands for disclosures and enmeshment, all the while planning on how to control the other person. Relationships to them are cat-and-mouse games, where winning something unfairly is all that matters to them.

So, many abusers feel victims are stupid for falling for lies, manipulations and sweet talk. A narc abuser might feel superior that you followed his bad advice so unquestioningly and innocently. He might feel superior because you didn't catch him at his lies right away. He might feel superior because you relied on him for some reason. And he might feel that you deserve to be abused because of it all, for being so dimwitted, innocent and so sensitive. Since narcissists are relatively dry emotionally (except for narcissistic rages and jealousy), they see sensitivity as a weakness, rather than as a good trait that has kept most of us from acting like Hitler when we feel slighted.

It is easier, but cowardly, for a narcissist to hurt you when you are down. It is evil and craven to get a high from the fact that you are preoccupied with grief and trauma, and that he added to it. The reason why he thinks it is so much fun? He thinks you will not be as likely to put up a strong resistance and counter-offensive to being abused by him, that you'll be an endless supply for his control, erroneous blaming, emotional expression and abuses. He thinks you will allow yourself to be abused because you are so weak! He thinks weakness gives him a chance to wield ever more power over you.

Don't ever share your personal struggles, personal information, health, plans or your financial status with anyone who has purposely hurt you in this way. Don't share much with people who know the abusers either. Abusers use love bombing to pump information from others, using a variety of techniques and tactics (sweet talk, promises of nondisclosure, gifts, etc).

Find a way to be completely self sufficient so that you will not be abused again.

You may very well be dealing with a narcissist, or worse, a sociopath.

And yes, narcissists can be dangerous. My post about that is HERE.

Are there adult bullies? Sure there are. I found this post about adult bullying by Claire Hunnam who described being bullied after her father passed away. Here is an excerpt:

I’ve encountered a whole host of adult bullies in my life, but none so obvious as the few who popped up after my dad passed away last year and taught me some serious lessons about handling jerks. I was fortunate — when he passed away, nearly everyone I love rushed forward to provide assistance and amazed me with the depths of their kindness. Sadly, though, grief and chaos bring out the true colors of the more destructive among us as well ...

More about unsolicited enmeshment, giving advice, lecturing, one adult punishing another adult, and trying to teach lessons through rewards and punishment in the abusive family in another post coming soon. And, yes, all abusive families use these practices in spades. It is important for survivors of family abuse to set up stringent boundaries against these practices to make their lives and homes bully-proof and to bar any more bullies from getting in.

other posts to look at for further reading:

Why Narcissistic People Love to Ruin Birthdays and Holidays from the Narcissists, Sociopaths and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My! blog

Why Narcissistic People Love to Ruin Birthdays and Holidays by Linda Greyman from The Mind's Journal

another post with the same title: Why Narcissistic People Love to Ruin Birthdays and Holidays from Health Cure


Narcissistic people ruin holidays and birthdays by refusing to be pleased -- from the Narcissists, Sociopaths and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My! blog

Here is one of three videos that support what I have been saying about narcissists attacking you when you are going through the most devastating period of your life:

This video tells you how to heal from it by putting an end to the trauma bond, staying in the present and distancing yourself from the abuser (words by Kim Saeed, narrated by Eva Gray):

 Here is the other video that goes into a little more depth about being abused and treated as prey when you are going through devastating life events by Begood4000 (a screen name):

I belong to a forum and the question was put out why narcissists enjoy being miserable and hurting others. The 105 answers were all pretty similar. Here are a few examples (identifiable sources not used):

* "They love hurting others whether their targets are feeling on top of the world or in the midst of a tragedy. The last time I was in the middle of a heartbreaking event, my narc mother relished, and I mean RELISHED, giving me the silent treatment for months. She tried to tell me she was hurt over something extremely insignificant in the middle of my tragedy even after I apologized! Suuuuure! She couldn't stand that my tragedy had to do with something else besides her, that's what it was! They are in love with their ability to effect others in drastic ways, and that means either rescuing poor hungry waifs, only to punish them later when they fatten up and get happy, or throwing a wrench in their target's success, or beating up their target emotionally when their targets are scared and unhappy over a devastating event. What ever they can do to make the biggest impact and bring attention to themselves is what they do! It's ALWAYS about them, don't forget that!"

* "Their whole psychosis depends on making others miserable. I would be in a good mood, dancing, laughing and having fun, and my husband would know just the right words to bring me down. He loved to kill my spirit, my happy mood and to see me miserable. I used to wonder why someone who supposedly cared about me had to ruin my happiness and mood ALL THE TIME. Now I know why, since researching narcissism. They love living in their misery, their emotional squalor, while we move on to become happy, fulfilled, independent, enlightened people."

* "Their lives are more of a hell than we can ever imagine which is why they need to put their misery, their jealousy, their hatred on us. They probably feel they would feel better if they hurt someone. How depraved is that? It is so awful for them to feel so horrible, so insignificant, so impotent emotionally and spiritually, and it burdens them so, and the way to derive more happiness for themselves, they think, is to make someone else more miserable than they are! Misery loves company! It is why they're condescending jerks, because they can't stand knowing someone is more intelligent, fulfilled, successful and happy than they are. The only way they can seek to relieve their misery and insignificant existence is to make themselves appear better than others, even if that comparison was imposed by them through hurting another person! If others are more miserable than they are they can say they are happy, even when they aren't. They are jealous to the extreme of anything that portrays joy. I decided long ago that if I tried to stay in a relationship with them that I had to like being an unhappy martyr to some degree, otherwise I'd leave. So, I left. You can't make peace with this kind of crazy-making."

* "It must be hard for these chauvinistic misery-loving males to find women who put up with them. Most women are financially independent these days. Poor babies. So hard to find women to destroy!"

* "From these descriptions, they might be called the Happiness Vampires. They derive pleasure out of sucking the happiness out of others."

from Heartfeltquotes.com:


  1. Vampires. Yes, my mother has showed delight in my misfortunes - and as I was growing up she sabotaged and denied permissions for the many opportunities that came my way - up to and including complete control over the social life I was not allowed to have. I made tissue paper people as a kid and would talk to them. She told me later (I was in my 40's) that 'was when she KNEW I was mad' I did not see the truth about my mother until I was 50. I spent couple of years researching and reading some excellent blogs (such as this one - thank-you!) Also journaling. I tried one more time at age 52 to have a conversation about our relationship - and she shut me down instantly saying 'I do not have to sit here and listen to this' and stormed off. No contact now for two years. Every time I get an urge to ring her up I quell it with 'do not feed the animals'as a mantra! funny thing - creative juices started flowing again for me after years of being frozen and stuck. I don't think I am alone on this one!

    1. No, indeed, you are not alone. I was just corresponding with Lenora Thompson the other day (who writes the "Narcissism Meets Normalcy" blog), and she has written many times in her blog about feeling sabotaged and trapped in a cult-like experience, and expected to be an everlasting child living with parents, and living up to continual everyday parental pressures and expectations.
      Being called crazy, mad, insane, or given a psychological label is par for the course with narcissistic parents (it is called gaslighting). As far as I know, they all do it without exception. It is a very, very common trait of NPD.
      They practice hypocrisy too. The mother feels she can call you mad about talking to tissue paper dolls, but runs away and says "I don't have to listen to this" when you want to say something about her behavior.
      You are also not alone in going "no contact" or of being inspired to do creative projects after going "no contact".
      I will be doing a post on why so many survivors of narcissistic abuse are in the arts -- hopefully soon.

    2. Thank you for validating my experience! When my Grandson was born 2 years ago - her first Great-Grandchild - she did every sneaky withholding thing she could think of to DENY me sharing my happiness with her. Yet another pathetic example of how these people ruin special occasions and steal joy. She has never seen me with my Grandson. And now, never will. I have found your blog very helpful - and I like your artwork too! It is inspiring to me to see what you have achieved....

    3. I think that in a lot of ways keeping your grandchild away can be helpful in terms of breaking the cycle and not letting it pass down the generations. Narcissistic grandparents have been known to triangulate with your own children to go against you. I cover that in the blaming post a little. It is also a very popular topic in forums.
      Thanks again for your feedback.


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