Iced out of a holiday event? One good holiday cure when it comes to your narcissistic mother

original drawing/painting © 2017 Lise Winne

(Note: this post has to do with narcissistic mothers only. A similar one on narcissistic fathers will also be posted at some point).

As a lot of us survivors deal with a holiday of either "looks that could kill", insults, put-downs, from our narcissistic mothers or deadly silent treatments, smear campaigns and being cut out of family events (on purpose!), so I have a solution for your holiday blues that has worked for me.

I'll get to it momentarily, but first I have a couple of things to say about mothers who are either cruel, unloving or rejecting at holiday time.

I want to remind you that it is every parent's duty to love their child, not for the child to "make" themselves lovable to the parent, i.e. turn themselves inside-out to be "attractive or want-able enough for parental love".

If your parent doesn't love you for who you are, as you are, and all of your great qualities, it has to do with them, not you. It is hard to get our minds around that because we have been brainwashed to believe that we are so flawed that we can't be loved.

Your parent refusing to love you is along the same lines as prejudicy, bigotry, and witch hunts (vilifying). It is not commendable and it is irrational. Unfortunately it is what some of the more less evolved humans do: hate people they don't know or understand, or want to know or understand (they are often non-investigative and their reality is based on irrational belief systems). Narcissists are incapable of empathizing, and empathy is a key ingredient to love (that's the classic definition of a narcissist anyway: lack of empathy). Like bigots, narcissists judge instead, so their prejudicy can seem maniacal, even towards their own children.

Anyway, this prejudicy, this witch hunt to make you out to be the bad guy is mostly them trying to put the blame on someone for how they feel in their own lives. It may be that they feel overlooked the way they did in childhood (especially if they were a neglected child). It may be about feeling entitled to treat others in ways that they would not like to be treated. It may be about growing up witnessing bullying and abuse and wanting to do that too.

Basically unloving, rejecting, abusive parents are people who have very little tolerance for children who don't feel absolutely familiar to them -- and yes, that can include their own children. To them, a child can seem like someone from a different tribe, and in their paranoid minds, even from an enemy tribe. It's just a typical part of the narcissism: they like mirroring people, and people who mirror, and people who try to mirror, and people who adopt mirroring. Sometimes they want a mirror that does not show a speck of imperfection about them, one that says "You're right all of the time" or "You're beautiful all of the time" or "You win all of the time." They also tend to like people who think that their tribe is superior and worth belonging to even when it is just a pit of snakes for many of its members. They also think they are perfect, and any deviation from thinking that they aren't can be a great threat to them.

Think about it: isn't it incredibly BIZARRE that when so many narcissists feel criticized (operative word here is feel) that they go into an annihilating rage where they want to destroy you, their relationship with you, where you are suddenly and swiftly nothing to them?

The problem is: the more perfect that they want to be and the more destructive their temper tantrums are over it, the less perfect they seem to others. In fact, they seem like horrible mothers, and can even have the reputation of being evil.

Most of the time parental rejection has to do with what they grew up with and what seems most familiar to them. If they grew up with narcissistic parents who were neglectful, cruel, or dismissive, they may be neglectful, cruel and dismissive, or they may be attracted most to family members who act in those ways. If your parent grew up with addicted parents, they may be attracted to children who seem most like an addict. This is their choice, and you can't do anything about it because they like mirrors!!

Who wants to be their mirror? Us? Nooooooo!!!!

So, we just have to realize we are not "one of them" and be really proud of the fact that we are not "one of them."

Of all the narcissists that you know, do you envy any of them? I sure don't.

Most of the narcissists I have known in my life (and I have known too many unfortunately) are glib. They are not strong people, they do not fight for causes unless it directly benefits them or makes them look socially attractive or superior, they are seldom inventive, they are rarely honest or good sports, their lives seem empty, they work at occupations that I would never want, they grasp desperately at status and flattery even though most of them do not have status nor are worthy of half the flattery they demand. Most of the ones I have known do not like hard work either. They particularly do not like working at worthwhile relationships, preferring to move on in order to find a new source of narcissistic supply. In fact most don't like hard work all -- usually preferring to delegate.

And their relationships are the least enviable of all. Their relationships with their own children are terrible, even. Let's face it, children are NOT good sources of narcissistic supply because when they are small they are needy and they have an instinct to cry when they require something. When they are teenagers they usually want more autonomy, and this can include putting their peers first before their parents. For this reason, teens can be rebellious against their parents, an absolute nightmare for the parent who is counting on children to give them narcissistic supply. When children become adults, their main focus is on careers, and raising their own children and family. Almost no children idealize or idolize their parents, especially when they are past seven years old.

So why do narcissists endeavor to try to make their children into supply anyway? Why do they want it so badly that many will try to arm-twist their children into it, even when most children have no tolerance, liking or need to "praise Mom or else be punished". The arm-twisting to get narcissistic supply tells children right away they are bad parents. Many children leave arm-twisting parents in the dust.

So why do they do it when their best source for obtaining narcissistic supply is the criminal (and not kidding about that). A criminal will overlook all of their faults, play the sycophant, and flatter them to death, especially if your narcissistic parent has money.

And who envies that? Not me! I think we all know that narcissists attract these types and keep them around -- as if that will make their lives better.

If they don't have those kinds of people, they have scared co-dependents who rely on them for something whether that be money, intermittent approval, status, a job, lodging, or some other thing. The thing is, because the narcissist is so cruel, the co-dependent will usually have no trouble walking away when the money, approval, job, lodging, etc, dries up and is no longer available.

Who envies that kind of relationship? Not me!

In fact, these two extremes are usually ALL that narcissists are capable of in relationships. Can you imagine?

In fact, we are all attracted to what we know. What survivor of child abuse hasn't been through a string of love affairs or marriages with narcissists? Narcissists only make up one percent of the population, but somehow they know how to find us survivors, even though we don't want one more relationship with another narcissist for as long as we live, and tell the world that. But somehow, some way, these awful narcissists seem to find us anyway ... They are attracted to adults who were abused as children. They know how to detect someone with low self esteem, and they can sometimes even tell that we were expected to please an impossible-to-please narc parent.

Well, your parent attracts narcissists too, just like we survivors do, except they seem to want to keep them around. It's that being attracted to a mirror thing again. And it is probably liking being in a pack of predators too. A lot of narcissists who are flattery addicts end up with sociopathic narcissists even. The types of sociopaths who like narcissists may be step parents: someone who tries to figure out how to drive your narcissistic mother's children off with trumped up charges, someone who might try to seduce your narcissistic mother out of a committed marriage, someone who might plan a scheme to get total control of your mother, someone who senses there is money your narcissistic mother's coffers. Narcissists who are flattery addicts (most of them are) are vulnerable to sociopaths.

There is a much more rare breed of narcissist who spends their holidays with children who will bend over backwards for them, who will do anything for them, who the narc is turning into the ultra-servant. Sometimes the narc parent will keep out the children not willing to be servants. But usually, let's face it, if your parent prefers the company of empaths, they do NOT tend to leave anyone out: they are going to try to get the children and grandchildren in one big unit competing with one another as to who can bend over backwards for them the most. They want ALL of their children and grandchildren around, fighting it out.

... Not that being a servant is a bad thing, and taking care of a parent is commendable. But, most empathetic children are rejected and derided in narcissistic families. There is a breed of narcissist who makes it their preference to be surrounded by empaths instead of bullies. These would be your more extroverted and engulfing narcissists, either the life of the party, or the cult-leader type.

But suppose the golden child is the caregiving variety of co-dependent, super sensitive to all of your parent's every whim and ache, and you've been iced out because your life goal is not to be their full time caretaker or because your parent has rejected you too many times over nothing to feel secure in the parent-child relationship, or of making your parent a priority. Heck, I have known adult children who were rejected by a narc parent for a look on their face -- and that was ALL it was. Who needs that? Who even wants to bend over backwards for a parent who treats you like that?

So, your destiny may be to do something else, something grand. It's that making lemonade out of lemons thing -- and yes, I have been there, so I say it from experience, not just education. Sometimes scapegoats find that their purpose is to do something more than being a punching bag for a family, or trying to please a rejecting Princess and the Pea. If it wasn't for being "an outsider" of our family, we might never have become all we could be: invented something, or gone to school, or had a chance to travel, or moved to a place that was away from mom or dad, or been accepted into a more compatible family of choice. Sometimes their rejection is a blessing!

Who they will choose to spend the holidays with is not worth thinking about for all of these reasons and more. Do you look forward to a holiday where the jokes are all insecure veiled insults sometimes with threats or imperious judgments about other people? I sure don't!

Narcissists are either rejecting people, or they are engulfing people who can't let anyone alone. It's either ice or hot jungle, take your pick. There is no inbetween.

Most children of abusive narc parents have the ice variety, and if you have gotten this far in this post, I would bet that you are the kind of survivor who got iced out in some way by your narc parent.

There is something about being told you are a not-good-enough child. You tend, eventually, to think of your parent as not-good-enough either. Funny about that. It just tends to settle into that reciprocity and co-perspective, that fixed chasm, which I guess is just another mirror in the narcissist's world.

So, following is my cure for getting the narc parent out of our heads for the holidays:

What it is:

It is writing from hundreds of survivors and it is called "You Know You Have a Narcissistic Mother When --- ". Personally, some of it gets me laughing. Other posts are really sad and awful. Most of all it puts me in touch with a huge laundry list of what I'm not missing at all when it comes to spending holidays with narcs!  Believe me, if you don't want abuse in your life, you really, really want to miss out on many of the things abusive parent(s) or family do to ruin your holidays. Personally, when I go through this list, I get back to enjoying the hot cider, the beautiful tree, the Christmas songs and New Year's jamming with my musician friends.

These are all true stories. There were over 250 of them originally (not counting the even more copious amount of comments), so I picked the best of them. I put "when" in front of some of the entries to be consistent, cleaned up some of the grammar, and took names out.

If you have a narc parent, you can relate to most of it. So here we go!

You know you have a narcissistic mother when:

- When she accuses you of stealing her jewelry, and doesn't forgive you when she finds it later...in her bedroom!

- When you mention in conversation that you are going to shop for a new flat iron and she insists on going shopping with you to get it. When she sees it, it is the last one on the shelf, and she decides she has to have it instead and thinks nothing of buying it from right under your nose. Even smiles.

- When you talk about another person, any person, and she gets jealous, and looks like she wants to bite your head off.

- when she calls security like a dumb ass demanding to be in the labor room when you're birthing your child and screams "if it wasn't for me giving you life you wouldn't have this moment to treasure! So you owe me!"........
     comment: this is literally my nightmare. omg no
     comment: Mine was a nurse on the palliative care unit and wore her scrubs and ID badge onto maternity thinking she'd go unnoticed. When I needed an emergency c section only DH could go with me. But somehow she sneaked in even tho it was clearly stated to her. That bitch scooped up my daughter and held her before me and my husband could stop her. The last person I would want to hold my baby, let alone for the first time.
     comment: I hate to say it but what hideous bitches we all have as " moms" how any of us haven't seriously hurt them or ourselves is a miracle

     comment: Mine was FURIOUS she wasn't allowed to see the birth of my neice. We had to have the nurse kick her out.
     comment: I didn't want my nm there at all - of course she showed up -3rd husband she'd just married in tow and couldn't understand why I didn't want him in my labor and delivery room ... ?!?!
     comment: They think it's THEIR baby! They can't stand it that it's yours! Hate em

- When she gets angry that you don't call her on her birthday even though she's been giving you the silent treatment for months! lol
     comment: Ha! Ha! So funny!
     comment: We shouldn't laugh, but that is funny!
     comment: Lol omg true
     comment: So true! Has happened to me
     comment: My mom has been giving me the silent treatment for 7 months!! And I seriously felt guilty that I didn't call her this year and for all of the grandkids. I thought it was ALL MY fault. Wow! I never realized so many other people went through that too!! I'm learning so much!

- When you tell them how hurt you are by what they did, and they turn it around and tell you that you hurt them instead. It happens every time. Why can't they hear that you're hurt? Why is it always about them?
     comment: Gaslighting...classic! Hugs.
     comment: Yes, gaslighting, they do it every time! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! We've all been through it.
     comment: Yes. After decades of dealing with it, followed by years of trying distance (physical/emotional) and civility, I gave up and went NC. It's exhausting. I am beyond sick of any gaslighting. zero tolerance.
     comment: Yes, been there done that too many times. All done now!
     comment: These parents have no love for their kids. Blame them over any silly things to hurt them
     comment: Crazy parents who have to gaslight their kids just so they don't have to face the fact they hurt their kids.
     comment: Age old abuse tactic. Don't tell them anything. The only thing I found that works with gaslighting is to either talk like a robot with no emotion or go NC. They either get off on hurting their kids or they deny they hurt their kids. Most of us are done with it.

- When she doesn't call for a couple of days after you watched your dad die and says she wasn't going to the funeral because she wasn't that close to him anyways even tho they've been married for 30 years
     comment: Sorry
     comment: just like my mother
     comment: I'm so sorry

- When she presses fake charges against you, the cops show up to get your side of the story and you, the cop, the judge, and your attorney laugh about it after court is over.

- When they steal the carbon monoxide detector out of your house just to put it on their garage shelf.
     comment: I mean who really steals carbon monoxide filters??? Narcissists, of course! lol

- When she reams you out for being a bad mom because your baby is crying and.clearly hungry when you know you just fed him, and discovers her corsage has scratched his cheek and doesn't apologize
     comment: It was her corsage and not her tiara?
     comment: bahahaha!

- Here's one. Because it's classic:

     

     comment: yup

     comment: Omg .are we related!! I am in stun shock. God i get it!

- When she tells you she isn't going to leave you anything in her will. Duh, I just wanted her to be a mother!
     comment: classic
     comment: yes, you'll find a lot of that here
     comment: they love this threat. next.
     comment: that's the only desperate threat they have because they know they are shit mothers
     comment: we all know this one.

- When your inbox is totally full and its all from messages from her. In only 1 day!! :)))
     comment: I really want to parrot the typical manipulative response to be funny, but I don't want to post a trigger for someone else... *Biting tongue*
     comment: *spewing coffee!* Too funny and too familiar!

- When she comes back at you with, "How could you do this to me!" Especially when you tell her you are not a virgin lol

- When your mother says "You're looking kinda chubby, here's some zit cream." -Indian give presents for major holidays and to embarrass you.

- When you've never liked or eaten coconut, like your whole life, and your mom makes you a German Chocolate cake for your birthday. Oh yea, just happens to be her favorite. "Oh no! I didn't know that you didn't like coconut!".... Oh really, after I told you dozens of times.
     comment: Yes, they do that!
     comment: SO RELATE!!! Both my mother AND MIL have done this to me!!!
     comment: This is what they do. It's always about getting a reaction.
     comment: This happened to me and I was allergic to the food she put in the cake. "Here child, and croak on it while you are at it."
     comment: Yea, they hate us so much that they want to poison us or give us food we hate, and all on our birthday! Bitches!
     comment: This is kind of like Munchhausen by Proxy except they are trying to poison us emotionally (get us upset). They should make up a word for it like Emotionally Abusive Munchhausen. Terrible.
     comment: they are known for giving us stuff we don't want. Who among us has gone shopping with our mothers and actually got what we wanted?
     comment: not me
     comment: not me either
     comment: god forbid we should be happy over something we actually want!

- When it takes more than two to five minutes to solve a conflict with them...
     comment: How about a lifetime! The conflicts never end, and of course she is never at fault; everyone else is even if she has to make up some bizarre story to prove it.
     comment: Yours get solved?? Haha

- When you buy her a bday, xmas, mother's day gift, and she ends up giving it back bc "she'll never use it." After too many give-backs I thought about giving her a care package of toilet paper, toothpaste, and deodorant. LOL!
     comment: I bought my mom and step-dad a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant. Had to save up for it. A year later she regifted them...to me. I'm single.

- When you ask her to tell you the story of your birth and she says, "you were born not breathing, I had a bad cramp in my leg, none of the doctors or nurses cared about my cramp because everyone was crowded around you to get you breathing."
     comment: Translation: you're a pain in my leg.

- When she cuts out my face in her photo album where I'm with my children and puts her narcissistic face into the holes where mine was cut out, and doesn't see why I'm Pissed!
     comment: my mother is always cutting out family members in her photos. Pretty soon she'll have no one left to cut out. Kinda like her life
     comment: these mothers can't deal with what they do to their family members so they cut them out thinking it will make their lives better. Then when some non-family member picks it up cuz its left on the coffee table she tells them that it's her kids photo album, but none of her kids are in it!! lol.
     comment: that whole "lie on the fly" maneuver didn't work out so well, did it? Ha!
     comment: it's good when they are caught at being looney tunes
     comment: cutting their children out of photos is so classic. They don't really want us to exist after all.

     comment: she probably does understand why you're pissed. That's a lot of why they do it. To get a reaction. Like "Pissed is good. Now maybe I'll try something else to get her goat." Evil little plans.

- When she gifts your siblings the things you wanted.

- When your grandfather dies and she knows your dad will be coming into an inheritance, so rather than consoling her family, disappears to Macy's for four hours and returns with a new wardrobe.

- When your mom calls you and says the only reason you are on birth control is so you can go have all the sex you want behind your husband's back without getting pregnant. She has this great fantasy going on in her head that I cheat. That's because she does.
     comment: projection!

- when she gets mad that you won't let her control your wedding plans, the where, the when, the who etc. You finally stand up for yourself and she says, "you really are a fucking bitch." And then she boycotts your wedding and tells ALL your family members not to come. Since they are all scared of her, they don't come.
Wedding day...there are 64 family and friend members on my husband's side and 8 friends, step dad, (who NM cheated on) and sister on my side. Awkward much?! Sigh.
     comment: Ugh, they do that ... and at graduations, funerals, going into surgery, any time the event is about you. It gets to the point where you scratch them off the list.
     comment: So sad!!!
     comment: I think we could count thousands of posts and comments here where NMs have ruined weddings. 

     comment: Do they ever NOT ruin weddings?
     comment: best thing to do: tell your inlaws that you have an abusive crazy family. Show them evidence. Then if your mother ruins the wedding or gets too drunk or makes a scene, then they won't be surprised. Sometimes inlaws are the most supportive family we'll ever have.

- when you reply to an Oprah casting call looking for mother-daughter conflict and the producer calls and says "your mother is crazy." (I declined to appear because quite frankly, I thought she might kill me...and she might have)

- When you get a full scholarship for one of the top colleges in the nation and her reaction is - " well it's not that big of a deal, you'll never be as good as your cousin." PS - my cousin goes to community college.

- When you spend copious amounts of your hard earned money to create a perfect Christmas and she gifts you Q Tips
     comment: Seriously?
     comment: yes, #true story

- When she screams for 45 minutes at you in the car on your way to your first highschool art exhibit, telling you that you are a bitch, that she hates that you were ever born, that you are a spawn of the devil and that she NEVER loved you, and then when you get there, she turns her rage off instantly and acts nice, like you are her star child. Whoa! I'm standing there dumbfounded and stunned with a PTSD episode from hell and she tells all these other mothers about how proud she is of me and I'm looking at her suspicious. She comes over to hug me and I stand there as stiff as a tree. When I can't seem to move she tells em all that I'm a little crazy and that I'll snap out of it eventually. That was years ago. I couldn't take any more. I now believe in NC from here until eternity.

     comment: gaslight.

     comment: yup, gaslighting.

- When, as a child, she gave you a toy, and you love it, really love it, and it goes missing mysteriously, and you are heartbroken. Then it shows up in a present she gives your cousin.

- When she tosses your bedroom in search of your diary and when confronted she replies "you know I'm nosey, you should have hidden it better" then proceeds to get angry at you for discussing the violation of privacy and breaks all of your belongings

- When after your dad dies she rearranges the entire house and removes all the photos of you and your children and only keeps up ones of her and the GC. The GC and her family who haven't been around in 20 years! And then when you finally get the courage to ask her about why pictures of you aren't on the wall, she smiles and says all the pictures of you are in her bedroom. They were/are not.

- When you break your leg and all of a sudden her arm hurts really bad and she needs to tell you that it hurts worse than your broken leg.
     comment: you describe their behaviour and it's so crazy people think you're insane.
     comment: If a person hasn't experienced narcissism they can't truly understand it. Which shouldn't be a surprise, even those who've experienced it are often at a loss to figure it out.
     comment: Only those close to me understand. I gave up trying to explain any of it to anyone else. I guess we have to understand why people would be perplexed about a mother caring about some somatic thing in her arm when their kid has a broken leg and is in the hospital.

- When your 81 year old mother doesn't know how to use her smart phone and "butt dials" you while ranting about you. And you answer and hear the whole thing loud and clear through your bluetooth. And you tell her she did it and she claims to NOT KNOW what you are talking about. #truestory#Jesustakethewheel

- When she tells you in the car with all your kids, "you're lucky I didn't believe in abortions when I was pregnant with you"
     comment: OMG.. Mine told in me in front of my friends one day, "Well you should have been aborted but I didn't do that" and for no apparent reason.

- When you broke your toe and couldn't walk and asked your mother or sister to get you a pain killer and they both say no and watch you drag your foot across the floor in agony to get yourself painkillers.

- When you are 7, wake up to a garage sale at your house and she's sold all your toys.
     comment: happened to me too
     comment: That happened to me at the age of 9 . Not only that but she emptied us kid's bank accounts -leaving us for her boyfriend

- when I raise my voice at my son and put him in time out, she rages and abuses me, and thinks she can provide him a better life. Are you fucking kidding me? It's enough that I had to live with that nightmare! Not my kid!!

- when she's an alcoholic who made your childhood miserable and when she at last joins AA, she decides YOU have to "make amends" to HER.
     comment: She is not really getting what AA is about, is she
     comment from poster: I know AA works for a lot of people, but she totally turned me off it. She never worked the program yet became a beloved speaker and sponsor. Such a fake. When she died, we dutifully held a memorial per her wishes at her AA club. We should have won Oscars for being able to keep a straight face as people told us how lucky we were to have had her as a mother. Good thing they had no idea what a liar she was.

     comment: omg. only a narc would fake the 12 steps.

- When she calls the cops on for you trespassing on your own property!
     comment: ahahaha! Best one I've seen all night!

- When you were a young girl who started her period and never knew anything about the situation so you put your underwear in the bin and she goes through the bin, takes your underwear out and throws it all at your 13 year old innocent self and calls you a filthy slut.
     comment: Ouch. We share a similar story. I was ashamed and felt dirty so hid mine under the bathroom cabinet as I was overwhelmed. Of course she found them, called in my dad and ripped me apart and humiliated me and I wanted to die. Made me sick for a long time. Hugs
     comment: I yelled from the bathroom " mom , it's time " and in storms her 2nd husband accusing me of being pregnant...WTF ?!     
     comment: welcome to a narc mother's view of reaching womanhood. 

- When my brother recently committed suicide and she comments that she is more depressed than he ever was and his suicide was like he was in a car accident! Yea, that didn't go well! We haven't talked since the week before Thanksgiving.

- When she gives you the silent treatment for 10 years but wants you back because your sibling isn't so golden lately.
     comment: typical

- When you catch her at a lie and she says you need to see a psychiatrist

- When you take her to lunch and the waiter takes our picture together. Then she yells that I made her look old & fat & that I'm a terrible photographer. Even though I didn't take the picture since I'm in the picture too!
     comment: Bahaha!! So dumb. Our mothers are literally toddlers

- When, as an adult, she locks one of your shoes in her room so you can't leave.
     comment: That's actually against the law -- called false imprisonment. I learned the hard way.
     comment: good to know!

- when you say you "I love you" and she says "I know"!
     comment: Mine would say "mmm hmm"

- When your 14 year old self told her you wanted to be a dancer and she laughed in your face and said you loved food too much

- When she blames you because she left her moon roof open on her car, on a night it rains, and you get beat for it. I was in first grade.

- when what she said and did was so abusive and so fucked up I can't even tell people why I have no contact. "Her? Such a great lady!" as if I'm lying! And then they look at me like I did something to her. Now I make up lesser reasons or make it about myself."
     comment: we have all been through this. NMs wear a mask. they have a "bitch switch" that they turn on and off in an instant. they laugh at what they get away with. It's good we have this group.

- When you're 8 years old and alone in a house with a 2 year old and an infant, changing and washing cloth diapers, mixing bottles, making meals, cleaning. Then your toddler brother wakes you up because he had an accident and is terrified Mom will find out and needs your help to hide it. So you change his pj's and sheets and do the laundry and you're only 8 years old.

     

- When you're her only girl child and she says to the neighbor, right in front of you, "I like boys better."

- When she throws away your IVY league college acceptance letters and lies to you about what happened to them, just so you can't move away from them and go to college.

- When she puts bills in your name and doesn't pay them

- When they tell you to run off and kill your self

- when they tell you that they want your life to be a story that pays them money.

- when she bad mouths you to your son even when she's on her death bed and he believes her and berates you throughout her funeral, bad mouths his sisters, and walks away with almost her entire estate. C'est la vie.

- When they tell your grandmother that you are a prostitute. I've been a licensed medical doctor for over 13 years!
     comment: the shite they tell is laughable.
     comment: Like they haven't known us our whole lives! WTH is that all about?!

- When you realize that you act more mature than your mother... and your only 10 years old

- When you've had every counselling going since the age of 17 ..humanistic. .cognitive. ..psychodynamic. ..and at the age of 43...you read a book called ' I'm not crazy it's my mother' ..and suddenly then everything makes sense!!!

- When she says she doesn't understand why you hate her so much and exclaims, it's not like she was a bad mother to you growing up because she wasn't addicted to drugs or prostituting herself. Wow, the bar you set for yourself, dear mother, is so high! Not being a drunk or a slut must make you a great mother! Barf!

- When your mom takes all of your pain medication for herself after you have a medically necessary surgery at 12 years old and you get to recover with no pain relief at all

- When she tells you to divorce your hard working husband so you can qualify for public assistance like her! Of course, now she wonders why we are no contact, lol

- Wow. This thread is so incredibly eye-opening. I had no idea NMs could all be so terrifyingly similar. Heartbreaking and enlightening.

- When you're happily engaged to be married and she passes out your phone number to the loser men at the drive-thru at the liquor store
     comment: What an asshole! I'm dying laughing though! Dude, she couldn't even go for drive thru banking? She must want you to be with an alcoholic!
     comment by poster: yes, just like her. And to live in her southern cracker town
     comment: Omg omg please say they called!! Heya is you thurr? Wonderin if you wanted to split this *hick* discount jug of wine, I'm fixin *hick* to get off werk. Whatcher say, thar *hick* missy?
     comment: OMG I'm feeling lucky that my NM hates people enough not to give out my number to strangers!

- when she came to look after me after I had a horrible miscarriage and decided that while she was there she would have a facelift so I could take care of her! I kid you not!

- When your mom stages a fake car burglary with her new boyfriend. You're only 16. He was hiding in the backseat with a ski mask on and wrapped his arms around me from behind as we drove down the road in the middle of the night. They kept up the act for at least a few minutes of terrifying hell until they started laughing hysterically. Ya, real funny mom...
     comment: That is SO fucked up. I'm sorry!!!
     comment: That's sickening.

- When she puts her dog first and her grandchildren second
     comment: That's because they can train a dog to worship them lol
     comment: Exactly as if they are Almighty God.

- When she spends several hours diddling with her VCR, comes to you, her SG, and asks for help to get the tape out that is stuck. You discover the reason she couldn't get a tape out of the VCR is because there isn't one in there (LOL). You do your best to remain serious as she is quite upset about the machine eating a tape ... and explain there is no tape in the machine. She then insists that you must have stolen the tape when she wasn't looking. It's okay to roll your eyes and laugh now 😂

- When you cancel dinner plans with her and her friend because you're six months pregnant and have just finished a 10 hour work day and need sleep, so she doesn't speak to you for 10 years

     comment: Man that is a blessing!
     comment from poster: took me a while to realise it, but yes
     comment: Wish my mother did that. When you'd rather have a mother not talk to you than beat you ... I get it.
     comment from poster: I think because I was pregnant it gave me the strength not to beg her forgiveness as I always had done, I knew I didn't want my daughter caught up in her drama and nastiness so I stood my ground. It's not over though, she upped her game and her behaviour is psycho but at least now I know not to respond and that you can't reason with a crazy person.
     comment: Amen to that!

- When your husband dies and she calls all her friends over to support her through the terrible time and then yells at you for being too catatonic to entertain her friends while they're there supporting her. But it's my husband!

     comment: omg, that's awful
     comment: horrible
     comment: I'm so sorry

- My heart breaks for those of you whose NMs have told y'all they wish they had aborted you. I can't even imagine how that must feel or how hard that is to heal from. 
I don't think my mom ever wanted children. I think she just had us (or me anyway) because that's what she figured she was supposed to do, because that's what was expected. Push out some kids, make sure they stay alive and and voila! You're the best fucking parent ever! You did it. Congrats, NM. You're the fucking star of all of our posts. Asshole(s).
     comment: Mine got drunk (somewhat regularly) and admitted to me that if abortion had been legal in 1962...
     comment: How about she has 5 children and tells people that she hates kids. Lol. Or that she never wanted children. She would say it whilst in public even

- When your NM falls and breaks her wrist and shatters her leg to the knee cap ... She lays outside on the ground for seven hours in December snow, cold develops two huge clots in her lungs and she has a heart attack and barely survives. You take off a semester to practically live with her at the hospital for five months as she recuperates. Then the Golden Child Sister shows up for 4 days. From Another state. You find out that your Golden Child Sister is bragging to everybody that if your mother dies she gets everything in the estate. Sure enough a will surfaces while NM is fighting for her life and GC gets it all. When NM has lawyers draw up a new will the GC stomps off and goes back to her state mad. It's the wacky world of narcissists.

- When NM says she's never had a problem with either of my siblings. But the truth is that she punched one when he was trying to leave her then she had him sent to juvy and the other one she ended up trying to stab. Then she tried to kill herself. Why do NMs say things like they never had a problem with your siblings when they did all of this? Hard to understand.
     comment: they don't know what reality is because they lie so much, and they also can't figure out what they lie about, and what the details of their lies were. They al;so can't figure out which lies they told to which people. Who knows why they want to live that way.

- When your younger sister confides in your brother that she had been sexually abused by her father and NM calls the school and gets my sister on the phone and tells her she needs to apologize to her father for making up those lies.
     comment: This is one of those sad things that narcissists do, and all of them it seems. I have never heard of one that tried to stop sexual abuse -- maybe because they want their kids abused, sad to say.

- When you tell NM that you are being bullied by your brother and the only response you get is how much they did for you, and even contributed to your college (140 dollars - lol!), and that you're so ungrateful.

     comment: They like that ungrateful praise and will use it over the tiniest things. We need to be grateful for being smacked around, ignored, abused, because it's better than nothing - their narcissistic logic.

- when she gives you the silent treatment for ten years because you got married and had children. Then at a family event she comes up to you and wants to pretend that you and she and your kids are the biggest happiest family and have always had a great relationship. When you wince, and hate that she's even touching your kids, and you tell her to go away, because she's giving you the major creeps. What does she do? She looks at you and your kids like she wants to kill you and them. No remorse, no apology, no realization that ten years doesn't make her part of my family, just wants to strangle you for not going along with her attempt to pretend she hasn't rejected you for ten years.
     comment: it's all about the image!
     comment: image is EVERYTHING to them
     comment: strangers are who they live for and family is nothing to these people. They literally love anything superficial. 

- when my uncle tried to sexually abuse me when I was younger but I put up a fight. I had nightmares about it and opened up to my mother 2 years later. She told my sister what I told her and they were both laughing at me saying I was lying. I then found out a few weeks ago that my uncle was actually a convicted sex offender and she knew all about it. When I confronted her and asked her why she deliberately left me alone with a sex offender she got defensive and abused me and said how DARE I accuse her brother of being a pedophile, I then proceeded to tell her that he was a convicted sex offender and I knew everything that's why he was jailed for so long. I gave her dates of his convictions and she still tried to call me a liar, and how DARE I MAKE THINGS UP ABOUT HER BROTHER. I'm lead to believe that she intentionally left me alone with him and knew what he was like. He even raped his own sister.

- When your beloved younger sibling dies suddenly when you are 18, but you're not allowed to grieve just yet, because you're a singer and she insists on you singing at the service in front of several hundred people.
     
- When she threatens to tell the cops you touched your father when he nearly choked you to death. Two against one...wasn't gonna win that one

- When your sister and mother gang up on you and kick you to the floor whilst holding your hair and then call the cops and side up with each other so you get taken away in a dimmy van and never allowed back to your home.
     comment: I swear to god we have the same mother

- When she never, once, said she loved you. When she never once helped with homework but beat you if your grades were bad. When she never, once got up in the morning to fix you breakfast or to see you off to school. When she never had a conversation with you that wasn't used against you in some damning or embarrassing way.

- Here's one: So I used to be an army wife of 24 years. My husband was infantry. His 9th deployment in total this one, Iraq 04 05. His first Purple Heart, his humvee blown up, he received wounds to the left side of his body; arm, face, neck, jaw line, hand, wrist etc. He was in a coma for a little while. Two of the soldiers were killed as well..
Because, there was so much fighting going on in Iraq and there were so many casualties of u.s. armed soldiers, President George Bush and his wife flew to check on the families. Actually came to check on me but my own mother does not call for 30 days. We were interviewed by the BBC and CNN because of this. She still doesn't call. The planet acknowledges us, the news acknowledges us, the president and his wife fly Air Force One to our installation to check on us, because of the severity and the amount of casualties that our families were going through AND my own mother doesn't even f-cking call..
Around a month later, I called my mother she answers the phone, she asked me how I am... I told her what happened.... she says "Oh your sister told me that about a month ago, is he okay?". My response was "Someone tried to murder my husband, you didn't call! He was in a coma, you didn't call! I was almost a widow with 4 kids and you didn't call! The F-cking President came to see us and you couldn't F-cking call??? Wow you finally showed me your truest true colors! Am I starting to realize that you don't love me??" and I hung up on her. She didn't call back for years....

from Lessons Taught By Life:

why narcissistic abusers pick the worst times of your life to inflict pain and do damage

name of cartoon: "Narc Happiness"

image is © Lise Winne

2015

If you are being abused at the worst point of your life, your abuser probably has a personality disorder (most likely either Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder).

According to licensed social worker Bree Bonchay from her post The Timing And Motivation Behind Why Most Narcissists Discard Their Partners:

I have heard many stories where narcissists have dumped their partners right before a major holiday, or their partner’s birthday, or after their partner shared something very personal, or right before a special planned event, or when their partner was down on their luck, or grieving the loss of a loved one or even diagnosed with a serious illness and the list continues.

The narcissist will purposely choose the most heartless and shocking time in your life to discard you. They thrive off kicking you when you’re down. This increases the odds that you will come completely unhinged by the cruelty of their cold-blooded actions and sheer surprise of your expulsion ...

In short, it is because they get off on being cruel, and the more pain you express, the more they like it. It is called "narcissistic supply". Abusers are, in general, morally insane (unless they have learned the behavior). They usually plan discards for awhile. From the same article:

It gives them a temporary rush. Watching your heart break with agony is literally intoxicating to them. It’s the equivalent to a hit of cocaine. Their behavior, post discard, may appear almost manic as they become drunk in their own premeditated ego boost ...

... If you’ve been discarded, most likely it’s a tribute to your strength. You started seeing through their charade. You began challenging the narcissist on their lies and hypocrisy. You saw their mask slip and caught a glimpse of the evil, phony person that they have been hiding from you. At that point, you’re no longer a good source of supply. Your expiration date has arrived. Your inkling or glimpse of the truth of what has been hiding behind the mask cancels and invalidates the deluded image the narcissist has of themselves. Their cover has been blown and to survive they need to discard you so they don’t have to acknowledge the reality of their real, flawed self. To acknowledge the truth of their real-self would shatter the narcissist into smithereens from which they could never recover.

A lot of narcissistic abusers think they are smarter than others because they can fool others. Pulling the wool over others' eyes is largely why they feel superior. They have pretended to love you, to care about you, to enjoy your company, but inside they are thinking, "Sucker!!!! How stupid that they fell for that!! Ha, ha!" Or at least that is what a lot of narcissists admit to in forums.

It is kind of like a criminal mentality: trying to distract a shop keeper with accolades and good intentions while an accomplice cleans out the cash register.

But it is hard to understand the feelings of superiority that arise from acting like that, especially since most criminals get caught, or they have to live with the paranoia of getting caught on a daily basis.

It is like they purposely ride between two lanes on the superhighway of their life to cause a multi-car crash. Most of us think "sick-o" instead of "I admire him for being like that". People who build, are creative, who contribute big ideas, who are leaders of causes, are, by and large, the people we look up to in our society, not the people who pull others down, lie, cheat and enjoy watching destruction. Sure, destroyers get to be on TV if they've caused the unlawful variety, which is one part of the short-lived ego boost, but they are also derided and put away in prison for a long time, and some of them are lethally injected too. So it is hard to understand.

It is probably only understandable to someone who studies crocodiles: they look placid, then surprise attack, pull the victim in, drown them and trap them, feed on them and stash some of the meat away for another time. But having a predatory reptilian mind is superiority? Ew.

But perhaps that is part of the personality disorder to feel so arrogant and self satisfied from being glib, swindling, lying and damaging, traits most of us would be ashamed to have.

While the rest of the 99 percent of the population are in relationships for genuine reasons, to give and receive love, to intimately share life's struggles and to help one another, narcissistic abusers are never in relationships for those reasons. Most of these abusers keep as much of their own information as they can close to the chest while peppering others with questions and demands for disclosures and enmeshment, all the while planning on how to control the other person. Relationships to them are cat-and-mouse games, where winning something unfairly is all that matters to them.

So, many abusers feel victims are stupid for falling for lies, manipulations and sweet talk. A narc abuser might feel superior that you followed his bad advice so unquestioningly and innocently. He might feel superior because you didn't catch him at his lies right away. He might feel superior because you relied on him for some reason. And he might feel that you deserve to be abused because of it all, for being so dimwitted, innocent and so sensitive. Since narcissists are relatively dry emotionally (except for narcissistic rages and jealousy), they see sensitivity as a weakness, rather than as a good trait that has kept most of us from acting like Hitler when we feel slighted.

It is easier, but cowardly, for a narcissist to hurt you when you are down. It is evil and craven to get a high from the fact that you are preoccupied with grief and trauma, and that he added to it. The reason why he thinks it is so much fun? He thinks you will not be as likely to put up a strong resistance and counter-offensive to being abused by him, that you'll be an endless supply for his control, erroneous blaming, emotional expression and abuses. He thinks you will allow yourself to be abused because you are so weak! He thinks weakness gives him a chance to wield ever more power over you.

Don't ever share your personal struggles, personal information, health, plans or your financial status with anyone who has purposely hurt you in this way. Don't share much with people who know the abusers either. Abusers use love bombing to pump information from others, using a variety of techniques and tactics (sweet talk, promises of nondisclosure, gifts, etc).

Find a way to be completely self sufficient so that you will not be abused again.

You may very well be dealing with a narcissist, or worse, a sociopath.

And yes, narcissists can be dangerous. My post about that is HERE.

Are there adult bullies? Sure there are. I found this post about adult bullying by Claire Hunnam who described being bullied after her father passed away. Here is an excerpt:

I’ve encountered a whole host of adult bullies in my life, but none so obvious as the few who popped up after my dad passed away last year and taught me some serious lessons about handling jerks. I was fortunate — when he passed away, nearly everyone I love rushed forward to provide assistance and amazed me with the depths of their kindness. Sadly, though, grief and chaos bring out the true colors of the more destructive among us as well ...

More about unsolicited enmeshment, giving advice, lecturing, one adult punishing another adult, and trying to teach lessons through rewards and punishment in the abusive family in another post coming soon. And, yes, all abusive families use these practices in spades. It is important for survivors of family abuse to set up stringent boundaries against these practices to make their lives and homes bully-proof and to bar any more bullies from getting in.

other posts to look at for further reading:

Why Narcissistic People Love to Ruin Birthdays and Holidays from the Narcissists, Sociopaths and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My! blog

Why Narcissistic People Love to Ruin Birthdays and Holidays by Linda Greyman from The Mind's Journal

another post with the same title: Why Narcissistic People Love to Ruin Birthdays and Holidays from Health Cure

WHY NARCISSISTS DISCARD YOU AT THE WORST POSSIBLE TIMES -- from the Fact Rider . com website

Narcissistic people ruin holidays and birthdays by refusing to be pleased -- from the Narcissists, Sociopaths and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My! blog

Here is one of three videos that support what I have been saying about narcissists attacking you when you are going through the most devastating period of your life:

This video tells you how to heal from it by putting an end to the trauma bond, staying in the present and distancing yourself from the abuser (words by Kim Saeed, narrated by Eva Gray):

 

 Here is the other video that goes into a little more depth about being abused and treated as prey when you are going through devastating life events by Begood4000 (a screen name):

I belong to a forum and the question was put out why narcissists enjoy being miserable and hurting others. The 105 answers were all pretty similar. Here are a few examples (identifiable sources not used):

* "They love hurting others whether their targets are feeling on top of the world or in the midst of a tragedy. The last time I was in the middle of a heartbreaking event, my narc mother relished, and I mean RELISHED, giving me the silent treatment for months. She tried to tell me she was hurt over something extremely insignificant in the middle of my tragedy even after I apologized! Suuuuure! She couldn't stand that my tragedy had to do with something else besides her, that's what it was! They are in love with their ability to effect others in drastic ways, and that means either rescuing poor hungry waifs, only to punish them later when they fatten up and get happy, or throwing a wrench in their target's success, or beating up their target emotionally when their targets are scared and unhappy over a devastating event. What ever they can do to make the biggest impact and bring attention to themselves is what they do! It's ALWAYS about them, don't forget that!"

* "Their whole psychosis depends on making others miserable. I would be in a good mood, dancing, laughing and having fun, and my husband would know just the right words to bring me down. He loved to kill my spirit, my happy mood and to see me miserable. I used to wonder why someone who supposedly cared about me had to ruin my happiness and mood ALL THE TIME. Now I know why, since researching narcissism. They love living in their misery, their emotional squalor, while we move on to become happy, fulfilled, independent, enlightened people."

* "Their lives are more of a hell than we can ever imagine which is why they need to put their misery, their jealousy, their hatred on us. They probably feel they would feel better if they hurt someone. How depraved is that? It is so awful for them to feel so horrible, so insignificant, so impotent emotionally and spiritually, and it burdens them so, and the way to derive more happiness for themselves, they think, is to make someone else more miserable than they are! Misery loves company! It is why they're condescending jerks, because they can't stand knowing someone is more intelligent, fulfilled, successful and happy than they are. The only way they can seek to relieve their misery and insignificant existence is to make themselves appear better than others, even if that comparison was imposed by them through hurting another person! If others are more miserable than they are they can say they are happy, even when they aren't. They are jealous to the extreme of anything that portrays joy. I decided long ago that if I tried to stay in a relationship with them that I had to like being an unhappy martyr to some degree, otherwise I'd leave. So, I left. You can't make peace with this kind of crazy-making."

* "It must be hard for these chauvinistic misery-loving males to find women who put up with them. Most women are financially independent these days. Poor babies. So hard to find women to destroy!"

* "From these descriptions, they might be called the Happiness Vampires. They derive pleasure out of sucking the happiness out of others."

from Heartfeltquotes.com:

Forgiving abusers: the "You're better than that" family culture that expects victims of familial abuse to make up with their abuser

name of cartoon: "Take on a Little More Abuse"

image is © Lise Winne

2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: Sales (att) LiseWinne.com)

Note: similar posts I have Written on this topic include:
- Injustice, Victim Shaming and Blaming, and the Narcissist, with Other Types of Abusers Briefly Mentioned 
- Should You Forgive Abusive People (with a Discussion on Narcissistic Abuse, Forgiveness Shaming, and a Personal Journey)

I have asked myself this question many times when it comes to all issues of abuse whether it is school bullying, sibling bullying, family scapegoating and everything inbetween.

One of the big reasons for not making up with bullies and abusers is that all perpetrators generally escalate abuse and violence (even when there are laws against violence!)

There are signs that it is getting dangerous. Like: the perpetrator has been verbally and emotionally abusing you for awhile (see my post on What are Types of Abuse). The warning signs of physical abuse are: blocking a door so that you have to walk around them, pushing and shoving, leaning into your personal space to lecture you, leading you, pushing or pulling you, giving you ultimatums or orders while touching you, stealing from you, destroying personal property, dominating the decisions about personal property, pulling an implement out of your hand, snatching a telephone away from you, raging at you with clenched fists, false imprisonment (being kept from leaving or being made to go somewhere against your will), et al, that is the very beginning of the physical abuse stage. It escalates very fast from there.

If a perpetrator also drinks or uses drugs: watch out!

Abusers don't respect boundaries. They don't respect you. Making up with abusers can equate to ending up badly injured or dead.

Then there are the family advisers:
* "Well, if you just said things a little more softly, he might not blow up at you."
* "If you just gave him what he wanted, then he wouldn't have pushed you."
* "He was the one who was right. You were the one who was wrong. I'll tell you how you can get a better outcome ..."
* "He can lose his temper like anyone can; it's mainly how you deal with it."
* "I'm sorry you are so hurt by your brother. Maybe you should go to a therapist to feel better." (good advice, by the way, except therapists will advise you to end relationships with abusers -- and then your family may call your therapist a cult leader! -- it happens!)
* "I brought the two of you up to play nice. Now, I know you know how to do that. You apologize to him first, then maybe he will apologize to you."
* "No. Something has to be wrong with you because we brought him up to be a nice young boy who is always considerate and sweet to others. So, my dear, that means you must do the hard work of mending this fence." -- with the insinuation that you must mend the fence, that not having contact with your abuser is not an option
* "He wouldn't act this way unless you had done something. We have no problem with him. If you go to therapy and learn how to deal with other people, by -- what is it called? -- conflict resolution? -- then this relationship wouldn't be so hard for you. I'm sorry you're in such pain over it, sweetie, but you really, really need to get this in perspective!"
* "I know he hurt you, but can't you just be the reasonable sweet person we have always known you to be and put aside all of the fighting and pain and drama?"
* "I just don't understand why you can't just forgive and forget. Maybe if you go to church, you'll learn that forgiveness brings great reward and peace of mind."
* "You know, yoga and meditation really helped me to be calm and talk without so much emotion! If you feel hurt, just practice a little meditation and you'll feel better. That should help your relationship too."
* "If you send her a birthday card, and a nice long note, I'm sure that will help your relationship get on a better track. You need to make the first overture. Once you do that, then I'm sure that will grease the skids for better treatment from her."
* "It's unfortunate that he called you 'a waste of a human being', a 'nothing', a 'piece of crap', a 'goon', and took all of those belongings from you, but you know, you did call him an addict. You started it with that. If you were less confrontational, and you didn't bait him by saying that his addiction was causing him to rage and steal, you might be treated better. You need to start bettering yourself instead of focusing on him, and accusing him of being an addict. It has to start with you first!"
* "You've always been a difficult child. You've always been the emotional one. I'm sure your sister never meant to hurt you. It's just that you are sooooo sensitive!"
* "I don't think I could ever forgive you if you broke off that relationship. I know that forgiveness is a good quality to have, and I'm asking that of you now, but if you can't forgive your stepfather for what he did to you, that puts our relationship in jeopardy, and I have to go with him first over you. A wife's place is with her husband first whether anyone likes it or not. I know he has a temper, but I know you're the better person, and you really, really can rise above this. Do you hear me? You really can forgive and forget."
* "I can't believe for a second that he was the one who caused this. Men are usually the good ones and women are the bad, conniving and ruthless people. He has spent his life trying to be a good man, bring up good children and his wife obviously loves him. I know what I know, and he would never hurt a flea. So, because I know who he is, I know that you are at fault, so you will have to be the one to apologize. I can't do it for you. It will have to come from you. So, if you want to be part of this family at all, your place is to apologize and to make exceptions for him. I'm just not going to hear any more of this nonsense about a good man like him being abusive."
* "We have a right to make preferences about who we spend time with. You rejected him because you were so hurt, so now you are on the outside of family events and family fun. If you want to rejoin the family, simply forgive and forget and we'll do the same when it comes to you. You really are capable of the Christian values we brought you up on!"

It is difficult for families to understand that all of this is dangerous talk, and not at all palatable to a victim. The victim is already being abused, and now he's being pressured into accepting it and apologizing to the abuser, putting him in even more risk and danger!  

So how do you handle a family member who just can't believe that their sweet little baby-muffy-boo turned adult is now a domestic terrorist? They really can't see what the fuss is about. It is just a one-time bruise (surely!); it is just a couple of enraged words (surely he's polite most of the time!); it is just a temper tantrum (surely he doesn't act like that all of time -- look at how he acts around us! Model child! or husband! In fact, you should act more like he acts!). The excuses run the gamut.

I have met too many ostracized family members in my lifetime. What I have discovered is that people who have been bullied and ostracized from their families or peers are, by and large, the better members of their families and of society. Many of them are the best of humanity, the caring altruistic part of our race, some of whom act like compassionate nurses when you go to a hospital scared out of your wits.

But, also, people look to victims to carry burdens they shouldn't be responsible for shouldering at all.

There are a range of common responses to domestic abuse, all of which minimize abuse by people who are trying to help with a resolution, but who don't understand that a resolution is often dangerous. These include the following (from the Faces of Narcissism blog by Joanna Moore):

I’m sure we’ve all heard them. “Get over it,” “but she’s your mother!,” “forgive and forget,” “that was in the past,” “so-and-so had it worse”….” People who haven’t been abused can never really understand how serious it is, or how we are feeling. Because of that, their reactions are often non-helpful, or are even hurtful to us ... people who haven’t dealt with narcissists cannot understand what it is like to be a survivor of a narcissist ...

She also lists types of people who cannot hear about abuse. These include:

1. The Denier–The person who denies that abuse is abuse ... You can show them dozens of scientific studies showing that emotional abuse has long-lasting effects, but they will continue to deny the reality. They think the abuse victim is over-reacting and just needs to toughen up ...
2. The Rationalizer–The person who agrees that abuse is abuse, but doesn’t think it’s a big deal ... They feel entitled to attack people and they say that the victim deserved it. They use terms like “he had it coming,” or “she baited him.”
3. The Cheerleader–The person who is upset about the discussion and thinks it should end. They want to get back to happy subjects, and they demand that the talk about domestic violence be stopped because it isn’t fun ...
4. The Deserters–All the people who say nothing. In my opinion, these people do a great deal of harm by staying quiet. Many of them probably are against abuse, but don’t want to be targeted by the abusers or the people who think abuse should stay hidden ...

Here is one of the graphics she made for her blog, which I think is powerful:

  

In this Psychology Today article by Jeanne Safer, there is a trend in families where the family members believe the victim of sibling abuse should take "the higher road" and forgive their violent siblings. But this can have dire consequences for victims, as the article suggests. Here is a snippet from that article:

Under the pressure of promoting family harmony, parents who need to deny one child's viciousness and their own negligence often try to force the victimized child to be "mature" and "rise above it." These more intact, "good" siblings continue to make the same demands of themselves. Their willingness to accept bad treatment, to feel they deserve it, or to define it out of existence then extends beyond their families and damages their later lives ...

The article also goes into detail about the pressure parents put on victims of sibling abuse in order to make themselves look and feel better and to create the harmony that they want, rather than what is best for the victim and the abuser.

A daughter feels her parents are sometimes bullying her into making up with her abusive brother:

Sandy hasn't attended a family function with her brother since she received that letter. "I've taken a strong position that he's out of my life, even though my parents still try to bully me into capitulating. I know it's difficult for them to have two separate sets of holidays, but I forbid them to talk to me about it because their Pollyanna attitude enrages me."

Even in school bullying, victims are still, by and large, obligated to carry around the responsibilities of bullying (of course, this depends on the state, county and school system you are in; some school districts are better prepared, have more consequences for bullying, and are more educated about abuse than others). Victims are the ones who have to go to therapy and be talked out of suicide; they are the ones who have to be educated in how to avoid, side-step and ameliorate bullies; they are the ones who somehow have to get from class to class without getting bullied again, getting out of the way of the bullies' arrogant swagger and fast-fisted work. The bullies are much less accountable than the victims for what happens. I find this totally backward, unacceptable and even criminal since these are public institutions with mandatory requirements for all U.S. citizens.

It is not much different in the family. Invariably a family member who can't stand the discord in the family will say, "Can't you just get along? Can't you just appreciate that you are different people? Can't you just make up for our sake?" And who is pressured the most for making up? The victims!

The victims are looked at as martyrs who have already taken on so much abuse, so "Why not just take on a little more so that we can live in peace? Show you care about the family, show you're the better person!"

Except ... being a victim has dire consequences. It will make victims sick and stressed out and eventually unable to function (PTSD). Sometimes suicide is the end result. It is a selfish, unreasonable request (or challenge) to give a child or even an adult child. There is no holiness or sainthood that comes from being a willing victim and martyr of a family, a family who will only love you if you take on their escalating abuses and scapegoating and shoulder all of the peace-making and diplomacy efforts ... Any sainthood you might have received from your family is quickly challenged again the next time you can't take the torture. It is better to work the streets of Calcutta like Mother Theresa than to keep trying to prove to a bullying family that you are a good person who deserves better treatment.

In fact, many victims are too good for their families.

I've met many, many victims of family abuse, and they are, by and large, in the helping professions and the altruistic members of society (more about who abusers target here). They have often gone overboard for their families (baby sitting, hosting, caretaking, taking on the brunt of family diplomacy, spending decades keeping quiet about abuse to keep the family together, willing to work out family problems in therapy), but their families are often heavily resistant to working on anything: they keep looking to the victims over and over and over again to solve all of the problems in the family. They often seem totally incapable of healthy responses such as acknowledging their child's victimization, and will only consider a forgive and forget approach. While this doesn't necessarily mean victims are ostracized, the family is often put out at having to celebrate important holidays and events in separate locales.

The situation resembles a child who has to go between two divorced parents.

If you are from a narcissistic family or an alcoholic family with narcissistic traits and you were or are the family scapegoat (blamed for nearly every relationship issue and anything else that might expose the family dysfunctions and violence), then you won't be asked and lectured at to take on abuse and be the better person, you will be expected to take on abuse (or else!). The authorities of the family will use every arm-twisting and blackmail they can think of to shut you up and shut you out unless you show that you are willing to be their victim of family violence and abuse. You will be insulted, you may be referred to as an animal species so that they can look at you as sub-human (pig, snake, serpent, rat, vulture, worm, tarantula, shark, rabid dog, etc), they will focus all of their energy on telling you how ungrateful you are for not putting up with members' violence and abuses, they will focus on how you are flawed and ungracious because you are unable to adopt a forgive and forget attitude like a normal person, they will show no mercy in their agenda to hurt you. They do not care about what you went through, or how much danger you were in: if you don't do as they say and make up with family abusers, they will retaliate. In addition, they may very well flaunt how they love the abusive, violent member so much more than they love you!

In this case, you cannot expect them to understand. They aren't normal people who want you to make a decision, hoping that the decision you'll pick is to make life easier for them; they are people who will stop at nothing to add to the torture. They want to see you abused and to use you for family rage. What is more, they want to abandon you and hurt you if you do not live up to their expectations about this. They won't care about what happens to you whether you give in or don't give in: remember you are sub-human to them, and in their minds, there is no abuse and no violent act that is going too far, that their victim doesn't deserve (in their eyes).

By scapegoating, it condones and supports the perpetrator. He can do what ever he wants to do to the family scapegoat (and probably to other members as well). This makes escalation of violence a given, and a completely pardonable offense in the eyes of the family.

What about the law? These families are not above hiring the best lawyers and stonewalling investigations.

There is no choice but to walk away from the family if you are the scapegoat. They may very well use any weapon to get the decision about your own safety and well being out of your hands, and into theirs.

I watched a Law and Order episode one evening which I think was this episode. From what I remember, a brother murders his sister because she won't go along with what he wants, and the mother tries to cover up the crime her son committed because he is the only child she has left. This episode didn't seem so far-fetched to me given what I have seen.

In fact, there was a similar case in Delmar, NY, a suburb outside of Albany, the Porco case, where Christopher Porco was convicted of murdering his father and attempting to murder his mother (with an axe). His mother barely survived the attack, becoming severely disfigured, and she confessed to investigators that her son tried to kill her, but then backtracked and defended her son in court.

In any case, stop looking to victims to solve the family problems! Women went on the march to be seen as citizens who deserved the vote, deserved equal pay, who deserved to take control of what happened to their bodies, who deserved to think for themselves, who deserved to be looked at as real and equal, not just subservient extensions of their husbands. Victims of abuse need the same respect.

Resources and links:

Sibling Abuse and Sibling Bullying (my own post)

Parents Who Pit Siblings Against Each Other: A Folly That Fosters Abuse (my own post)

Favoritism: Fostering Abuse for Everyone in the Family, and Why a Narcissistic Parent Favors and Loves the Golden Child Most, and What it Does to the Whole Family (my own post)

Rejecting the forgiveness culture

Why you don't always have to forgive

Wikipedia article about what causes family estrangement

Wikipedia article about disownment

Why minimizing Narcissistic Abuse is always wrong from the Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Flying Monkeys -- Oh, My blog
Ending a relationship with an abusive parent, child or sibling

Child abuse and the role of parental denial

Parents who scapegoat one child

For all sibling murders, 78 percent are carried out by an adult sibling towards another adult sibling. Only 9 percent are carried out by a juvenile sibling towards another juvenile sibling. According to the research book, Family Violence in the United States, Defining, Understanding and Combating Abuse by Denise A. Hines, Kathleen Malley-Morrison and Leila B. Dutton: "In juvenile relationships, older siblings are generally the perpetrators of homicide against their younger siblings ... whereas the opposite is true in adult relationships: younger siblings kill their older siblings ... Furthermore there is generally less than a 5-year differential between the perpetrators and victims of siblicide ... Siblicide is also more common among males than among females. The most common type of siblicide is brothers killing brothers, followed by brothers killing sisters, sisters killing brothers, and finally sisters killing sisters ..."

As this Wikipedia article states: "Sibling abuse is significantly more likely to occur in dysfunctional, neglectful and/or abusive homes, and often reflects a lack of appropriate boundaries and discipline on the part of the parents." -- the whole article is worth reading.

What happened to one woman who was scapegoated and ostracized by her whole family

One woman tells how she was disowned by her family

Child sex abuse statistics -- 30 percent of children who are sexually abused are abused by a family member

This article states that most parents and step parents who sexually abuse their offspring have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The article also talks about why children think that they caused it (narcissists typically blame victims), and how families react. The author, a psychologist, believes that shattering the silence in the family is the only way for the victim to get help.

Step-fathers who kill and/or abuse their non-biological children is called The Cinderella Effect. According to Wikipedia: "Studies have found that not biologically related parents are up to a hundred times more likely to kill a child than biological parents.[4]"

A nurse loses her life to domestic violence (her husband says she made him angry -- so he had to kill her? ... but this is how it happens ... a son writes about his mother)

I found this on Facebook (I don't know the source):