narcissists, sociopaths and abusers: why is there so much lying, deceiving, rewriting history, secrets and false narratives?

Note: this is the first entry to this post and discusses studies on lying and deception, who deceives, and common lies and deceptions. I will be discussing the effects on victims and the expectations of upholding false narratives for abusive people in other posts.

In order to understand this post, most abusers tend to have Cluster B Personality Disorders (and sub-categories such as Grandiose Narcissism, Vulnerable Narcissism, Malignant Narcissism, and so on), or active addictions. Please see this post to understand what abuse is and who it is perpetrated by.

In many ways, this is a follow-up to my last post on invalidation and persecticide. That is because lying and false narratives wouldn't be possible without narcissists and sociopaths engaging in the on-going practice of invalidation and perspecticide.

I discuss lies, deceptions and false narratives in two separate posts, and use the same links for "further reading" in both posts. Each post will have different videos, however.

STUDIES ON LYING AND DECEPTION
AS IT APPLIES TO THIS POST

what we know about how easy it is to tell who is lying and who isn't

Studies have shown that narcissists and sociopaths believe they can tell who is lying more than the general population, that their perceptions about who is lying and who is not lying is superior to others. But actually, they are significantly less able to tell when a person is lying. Narcissists and sociopaths also falsely accuse more than the general population. They also invalidate other's experiences and feel "right" about doing so. They also accuse other people of lying much more than the general population.

Your average person without a personality disorder has a 50/50 chance of deciphering whether they are being lied to or not. 

Therapists, police officers and judges often feel they are best at being able to decipher lies too, but it is still only a 50/50 chance.

Where there is a slight advantage in being able to tell whether a person is lying is in people who have pronounced extroverted qualities; i.e. people who spend an extraordinary amount of time relating to others and to the public, who do not feel comfortable alone (i.e. become anxious and vulnerable), who are described as friendly, outgoing and "sunny". These people tend to be community and family oriented too. Note: sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists can also be extroverts, but the difference here is that they are not usually described as "sunny" because they criticize others, make fun of others, try to dominate others in conversation and decision-making and they try to hurt others. With sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists there is an underlying darkness, grandiosity, persuasion, and sometimes intimidation, where as your typical extrovert (the one who has no personality disorder) tends to talk well of people, and indeed almost all people. Why they have an uncanny ability to better decipher who is lying and who is not compared to others may simply have to do with being in the presence of others a lot, as well as being interested as to who others are. Some examples of typical extroverts would be Tom Hanks, Oprah, Bob Hope and Rosie O'Donnell. Some fictional characters who are extroverts who tell constant little white lies would be Robert Petrie of The Dick Van Dyke Show, Frankie Heck of The Middle, Louise Jefferson and Edith Bunker in All in the Family, Rachel Green of Friends and Leverne DeFazio and Shirley Feeney of Laverne and Shirley.

why are narcissists and sociopaths quite a bit less

capable of being able to tell who is lying and who is not

Several theories exist (shortened version):

On narcissists:

* the narcissist feels threatened in terms of their value to or dominance over another person: In this instance, the narcissist's natural proclivity would be to gain power and control (or to win something) over another person. If the narcissist feels "less than" someone else in terms of importance, stature, power, control, intelligence and sanity, they are likely to shame the other person, whether publicly or privately. When narcissists are exerting a lot of shame tactics on someone, or feeling an overwhelming amount of shame themselves, they are also likely to devalue that person. An aspect of devaluation includes "believing" that the other person is lying.

* the narcissist feels most comfortable with flatterers and sycophants: this might mean that the narcissist would tend to "believe" that the person doing the flattering and fawning is a truth-teller.

* the narcissist feels most comfortable with people who are blindly loyal: this might mean that the narcissist would tend to "believe" that the person who is "showing" the most loyalty to them (whether the loyalty is fake or real) is a truth-teller. However, King Henry VIII, who was most likely a malignant narcissist accused his most loyal sycophants as being the least loyal, especially later in life, so "most loyal" is not always a fixed perception in their minds. 

On sociopaths:

* the sociopath has grown up in an environment where a lot of lying and unethical behavior has taken place: this would mean that he perceives that people lie most of the time, and therefor cannot feel he can rely on someone telling him the truth. He concludes that people are lying most of the time.

On both narcissists and sociopaths:

* Both narcissists and sociopaths rely too heavily on these things to tell who is lying and who is telling the truth:
     Note: all of these have been deemed to be unreliable factors in being able to tell who is lying (discussed further in the post with sources), but narcissists and sociopaths tend to put a great deal of stock in them regardless: tone of voice, facial expressions, hostility, averted gaze, rolling eyes, anxiousness at being confronted or interrogated, defensiveness (I have put up more links to professional resources and studies about this on my post about punishments over facial expressions, vocal tones and glances).
     Note: all of these have been deemed to be unreliable in being able to tell who is telling the truth, but narcissists take these into consideration more than the rest of the population: an air of confidence, seeming to be sincere, seeming to be generous or kind, a "take charge" personality, overly assuring, seeming to be respected by others, seeming to be thoughtful.
     Narcissists and sociopaths tend to rely on these belief-based perceptions of theirs quite a bit more often than the general population, which is one reason, when they are committing crimes, they can be caught by investigators posing as "one of them".   

* Part of being able to tell who is lying and who is telling the truth means, for both narcissists and sociopaths, that they will be perceiving lies as the truth, and the truth as lies more than the general population. 

what we know about who lies the most

People who lie the most tend to be people with high levels of Cluster B personality traits. The people who lie the most out of the Cluster B spectrum tend to be sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists with some Antisocial Personality Disorder traits (malignant narcissists).

People who lie the least tend to be empaths, i.e people who have pronounced empathetic qualities.

Some active addicts can lie quite a bit too. They tend to do it in stages, according to how long they have been an addict. In the beginning they may lie about whether or not they have "used" (or in the case of active alcoholism, whether they have been drinking, and how much they have been drinking). Then it tends to graduate to other issues in their lives, where they might tell others how their kids are doing (even if they have not seen their kids in years), and then they can get to a point where they adopt false narratives for absolutely everything that is going on in their life. 

what we know about the difference between what sociopaths and narcissists

lie about and what the general population lies about (shortened version)

Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths tend to lie to hurt others, to make people feel bad, to make people feel "ashamed" or "different" or not part of "their tribe" or "their ranking in the pecking order", to make people feel sorry for them, and to redirect fault (when they are at fault) on to others. Studies have shown that people with these kinds of personality disorders lie in this way, on average, at least three times a day or more. 

People without personality disorders lie for the opposite reasons: not to hurt anyone, not to damage another person's self esteem, not to make someone feel bad or unwanted or "not beautiful" - what we would describe as white lies. For instance, another person asks you if you like their outfit, but you say "yes" even though you don't like it. You do it so that it doesn't hurt them or break their self esteem - this would be an example of a white lie. Studies have shown that most average, normal, working people tell one white lie a day, or every other day.

Empaths tend to tell white lies when they feel bad. In other words they may say they are "fine" when they actually feel hurt, bad, sick, injured, unhappy, abused, frightened, etc. so as not to bother or inconvenience other people with their problems. Child abuse victims may also lie about how they feel to keep safe and not trigger their abusive parent into a rage. You can probably surmise that narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths can be deadly to empaths.

Some of the studies I have talked about can be found here and below in the "further reading" section.

typical phrases that narcissists and sociopaths use when lying to partners

This comes from research by Baskin-Sommers, Krusemark, Ronningstam, Ford, King, and Hollender.  However, I am using a Psych Central article by Shahida Arabi who cites the same researchers in her article titled, 12 Of The Most Common Lies Sociopaths And Narcissists Tell, Translated Into Truth. She list the phrases as follows (but the whole article is worth reading):

1. "I would never lie to you." (- my note: very common and typical of sociopaths)
2. "He or she was obsessed with me."
3. "I was hanging out with friends." (- my note: when cheating)
4. "I am just so busy right now."
5. "It’s crazy how much we have in common." (- my note: a general sign of love bombing and mirroring)

6. "I miss you and love you. Just checking in." (-my note: a sign when they want to see if they can hook you into another round of honeymoon followed by abuse)

7. "Cheating is morally wrong." (- my note: they will say it to others, but not live it themselves)
8. "They mean nothing to me. You’re my one and only." 
9. "My ex was so dishonest and toxic."
10. "I’ve moved around a lot – I love to travel." (- my note: typical of sociopaths)
11. "I used to be a player, but now I am a changed man or woman. Now I want a meaningful relationship and a life partner."
12. "I am truly sorry, I really am. This is not who I am."

the most common false narratives that narcissists and sociopaths use

They inflate their IQ scores. Very, very common. Sometimes they inflate the scores to such an extent that it is beyond the scope of the test. They will also be competing with others in terms of how high their IQ scores are. If they are given an IQ test by a psychologist or psychiatrist, the scores are usually much lower than the narcissist or sociopath originally espoused. The narcissist or sociopath then tells the psychologist or psychiatrist that they weren't feeling well that day, or distracted. 

In general, they will be telling false narratives which put them in higher positions than others: that they are more intelligent than others, that they are more truthful than others, that they are more thoughtful and caring than others, that they are more skilled than others, that they are more stable and sane than others, and sometimes (if they think they can get away with it) more talented too, though narcissists and sociopaths typically are not creative individuals.

They refer to their exes as crazy, unstable and in need of psychiatric treatment. Malignant narcissists and sociopaths also refer to their exes as dangerous. All of this is pretty much a given because narcissists and sociopaths gaslight and use projection consistently in their relationships and once they are outside of those relationships too. 

When you are discarded by the narcissist or sociopath, you will be deemed crazy and unstable too.

If they have an estranged, or rejected, or ostracized child (which most of them do whether presently or in the past), they will say the same things about their child too: crazy, unstable and in need of psychiatric treatment - and sometimes dangerous as well. They sometimes say their child is evil too, especially if that child has been abused in the family system.

If they are a cheating narcissist or sociopath, they will be telling stories that their present spouses or past spouses cheated.

If you are a child who is being abused by a family member and told you are a liar by your narcissist or sociopath parent, the reason why they don't take it seriously and scapegoat you instead is because they are projecting that you are using a false narrative on them (that is because they use false narratives and don't believe others are not using them in the way they do). This is why you can't get protection, justice and validation for your suffering out of a parent who is a narcissist or sociopath, and why they reject you afterwards instead: because they assume all people are as unethical as they are, and falsely accuse people as much as they do.
     It is hard to understand, and many children in these positions feel as though their parents are just trying to hurt them by invalidating, excusing, scapegoating, doling out injustice, playing the victim, and rejecting, and that may be true in some cases since they really only care about their own pain and opinions, and how issues effect them and their reputations. But some of your pain may be mitigated if you train yourself to see them as projecting, then their insensitive horribly unempathetic responses make much more sense.
     In addition, if they reacted quickly without proper investigation, hearing you and others' out, then consider that projection is very, very likely to be at play. Impulsive reactions of invalidation, scapegoating and rejection over their child being abused is not something normal parents do.
     Also, perspecticide and invalidation are very, very common among narcissists and sociopaths when it comes accusations of abuse in the family, and especially anyone they idealize or have put higher in stature. This happens in business too, with narcissistic and sociopathic bosses where a person lower in stature brings a grievance or allegation against a worker in a higher position. If the company is mindful of laws, justice and keeping abuse out of the workplace (which they have a lot more to gain in terms of keeping the company running well), there will be investigations, interviews, other authorities will be brought in (like a psychologist, union president, mediator, lawyers representing each side, and so on), and a file kept with a written statement. However, if the boss is narcissistic or sociopathic, an impulsive judgement will occur and you will be encouraged to leave. In a really unethical businesses, you will be dismissed over a trumped up charge. It is very much like that in a family too. Many, many child abuse victims are also victims of trumped up charges. It is extremely common to the point where it should be expected in a family with child abuse in it.
     Narcissists are also so sure that their judgments and beliefs are "the truth" (even without a single investigation), and superior to anyone else's. If they do have doubts, they will be extremely sensitive to anything that might tarnish their reputations, and will usually try to "word salad" their way out of being wrong about their accusations, but that is usually only if they are being investigated themselves by an authority they deem can damage them. They won't just start showing mercy towards their child of their own accord.
      In general, their beliefs take precedence over investigations, truth, facts, others' experiences, corroboration, even if they weren't there to witness. This is not something that normal parents do.
     Also, when presented with your suffering over the abuse of a family member, they tend to take sides, and it depends on who they have put into which role, not on facts. This is also something that normal parents do not do.
     The problem for children who are in situations where they are being abused is if the parent has taken the side of the abuser (most narcissistic and sociopathic parents do), is that the abuse will escalate. If there is not another parent who will protect and mitigate the victimization, it can escalate very fast. The way abused children deal with abuse is to fawn or fight or disappear or avoid.
     Underage children will often fawn if their parent is abusing them in addition to another family abuser (to stop being abused or scapegoated by two or more people). But in the process they are blackmailed into denying or ignoring the truth. So children in this position can, and do, invalidate their parent for pushing false narratives. The abuse will usually escalate, so that eventually they will have no choice but to leave their families.
     If you are hostage (still underage), fighting brings more danger.
     If you disappear, you are without a family, and many child abuse victims take that route eventually and reason that their families have either little or no value in terms of "belonging", especially if they have been marginalized and invalidated for so much of their childhood through abuse. They are especially likely to reach that conclusion if there are a plethora of false narratives where they were victimized.
     If you try to stay quiet quiet and avoid, it buys time, but that is usually the only advantage.

If they are unethical in other ways, or break the law, they will sound like salesmen, and try to convince you that they are the most lawful, ethical people that they know. If they tend to swear a lot, but are in front of an authority figure who could impact their life, they will appear as though they never swear. They will be spending a great deal of time and words on why they are upstanding, trustworthy people who always put other people's needs first, and never lie. If they are in business and offering services and give you a rock-bottom price for their service, this is another sign that they may be unethical. With small jobs, do not give a down payment. For large jobs, the standard is one third down, a third half way through and a third upon completion. Make sure you have a contract without small print that "taketh away" and that it is a standard common contract. It is always best to go with contractors you know, or that your neighbors know and have worked with.

The other very common false narrative is the blame-shifting maneuver: if they are cheating, they will try to convince others that their spouse cheated instead. If they stole something from someone, they will try to convince others that they were stolen from instead. If they lie about something, they will try to convince others that they were lied to instead. Almost all narcissists and sociopaths play the victim, and they usually do it in this way. 

While these are the most common false narratives, they will be telling all kinds of false narratives whether big or small, throughout their lives with the twist that other people are cheaters, liars, crazy, stupid, criminal, emotionally unstable and out for an agenda.

In conclusion, most of their false narratives are about showing someone else in an unfavorable light while at the same time trying to boost their own character.

future faking

Narcissists and sociopaths use future faking a lot in close personal relationships. Future faking is lying with a broken promise or a promise that never materializes. 

Common future faking:

* the narcissist (or sociopath) promises that if you send him to school, he will support you going to school or financing a business you want to start. The promise never materializes.

* the narcissist (or sociopath) promises you that since he has been caught at cheating that he will never cheat again, and that he is (and will be) one hundred percent devoted to you. You find out after several years he has been cheating the entire time.

* the narcissist (or sociopath) promises you that he or she will never abandon you again (they are known for abandoning their close personal relationships), but when you fall on hard times, he or she abandons you yet again (typical: read my post HERE about that)

* the narcissist (or sociopath) tells you that you will never have to worry about finances for the rest of your life, and in fact, you can quit your job and have a child. After you quit your job and you become pregnant, he abandons you for another woman.

* the narcissist (or sociopath) promises that he will make all of your dreams come true. But not one of them ever materializes.

* the narcissist (or sociopath) promises that if you attach yourself to him or her that all of your dreams will come true. In fact, none of your dreams come true, but the nightmares do come true.

I link a video below about future faking and how to not fall victim to it from psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula. 

blame shifting

Note: not all blame shifting is a lie, but it can be, which is why I have included it.

When it is in the context of lying, it goes something like this:

* They abandoned you, but they tell stories to others that you have abandoned them

* They hit you, but tell others that you hit them (very common in sibling abuse)

* They cheated throughout the marriage, but tell others that you cheated on them instead (very common in marital abuse)

* You tell them that you are hurt by them and they never address it, and instead they go into how much you hurt them instead

Blame shifting is so insidious, common and teflon-like when it comes to narcissists and sociopaths that you will often feel frustrated by the experience, like you are talking to a brick wall. If they feel cornered into recognizing culpability, they will just keep blame shifting until you are exhausted with the tactic. They use blame shifting to protect their fragile egos and it will take precedence over any truth. This is why you can't talk to them about anything of import: your feelings, your thoughts, your experiences, your dreams and what you are suffering through and from. The incentive and addiction to lie and blame shift in order to not be culpable of anything will take precedence over any bond. It is one reason why they abandon close personal relationships, and devalue/discard instead of working on them.

gaslighting

In gaslighting, the perpetrator is not only deceptive but tries to make you believe that the deception is the truth. The most common way they do it is to try to convince you that your perceptions aren't right, or that your mind isn't right (i.e. that you are crazy or stupid).

Gaslighting is a bit more evil because it is about playing with your mind and perceptions so that they can control the narrative, and control you. Some of the statements they use include "You are unhinged", "You are in need of psychiatric care", "You can never get things right", "You're too sensitive" (usually after they have provoked you to react), "I never said that" (even when they did). At the same time they will be telling you need to be isolated from others (or in a psychiatric hospital or mental institution) so that you do not make a fool of yourself. They will use any label and any tactic that paints you as "less than" when it comes to your mind.

According to Psychology Today article, "11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting" by psychologist Stephanie A. Sarkis, P.hD.:

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality.

She goes on to explain common gaslighting phrases and techniques in the same article:

They tell blatant lies.
They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
They wear you down over time.
Their actions do not match their words.
They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
They know confusion weakens people.
They project.
They try to align people against you.
They tell you or others that you are crazy.
They tell you everyone else is a liar.

In child abuse, parents who gaslight children use all of these tactics and more. Hiding toys in secrecy and then putting them back in the child's room is a typical gaslighting strategy of narcissistic and sociopathic parents. 

Others are listed in this Psych Central article, Gaslighting: How a Parent Can Drive a Kid Crazy by mental health counselor, Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC. The way a parent who gaslights is by doing it in increments, gaining trust and then taking things away:

Establish trust.
Push the boundaries.
Gives surprise gifts.
Isolates from others.
Makes subtle statements.
Projects suspicions onto the child.
Plants seeds of imagination.
Attack and retreat.
Takes advantage of the victim.

Gaslighting is a given when it comes to narcissists (and sometimes sociopaths too) and primarily done to people who they deem to be vulnerable to suggestion, vulnerable to being taken advantage of, vulnerable to someone taking over their lives via power and control, vulnerable to believing lies, vulnerable enough to accept lies because of dependency, and in general, people they feel are beneath them in terms of intelligence, sanity, stature and finances. This would include their own children too.

For more information on gaslighting, go HERE.

word salad arguments

Word salad arguments indicate a conversation that is about dodging, diverting, distracting, deflecting and blame shifting in order to avoid culpability. Narcissists and sociopaths are known for arguing with others about how perfect they are and at the same time accusing others of how imperfect they are through smear campaigns or slander. In some instances it is also about re-framing stories and experiences so that the altered versions make the personality disordered person look good or better than the person who they want to make culpable.

For more on word salad arguments with an example, go HERE.

making themselves look like victims

Covert narcissists (termed vulnerable narcissists) and narcissists with sociopathis traits (malignant narcissists) commonly try to present themselves as victims of the people who they abuse.

Not only that, but they use situations that they are guilty of. For instance:

* They tell others that you were giving them the silent treatment when they actually gave you the silent treatment (initiated it).

* They tell others that you are a narcissist when they actually have all of the traits of narcissism.

* They tell others that you broke a promise when they broke a promise and initiated the breaking of promises and commitments.

* And most evil of all is that they often tell others that their spouse was cheating on them for their entire marriage when they were actually the one cheating during the entire marriage.
Some things they typically do after the dissolution of their marriage because they had an affair:
After the break up with their spouses, narcissists usually have a quick re-marriage, affair or cohabitation with a lover  right after they have split up from their ex, so that is just one sign of many as to who was actually cheating, although some of them know that it looks suspect, so they cover it up by saying that their ex was violent or crazy and that their new lover was protecting them - very common - so the truth has to be achieved through interviews, adultery in the divorce papers, and other kinds of investigation, not with assumptions of who you might believe or who is more likable or sad).

Pretending to be a victim is a given when it comes to narcissists and sociopaths. It takes the focus off of how they treated the other person (they tend to focus on how their victims react to their abuse as justification for why they are victims). They hope it also gets them out of any self reflection or any culpability and puts all of the blame 100 percent on their victims (blame-shifting).

stealing

Many narcissists and sociopaths will try to steal any evidence that you may have which makes them culpable or looked at as "at fault", even if they are only "partially" at fault. They are very invested in 100 percent "victim-hood", so that even partial guilt is usually not acceptable to them.

They also don't want their sycophants ever getting news that they are to blame in any way so that they can keep blaming their targets instead for the state they are in.

You can guard against it by always scanning copies of documents and any correspondences. Send them to yourself (and let them live on the server), keep a number of hard copies on and off site, give a copy to your counselor and people closest to you, and if you are keeping a record on them with the police, take the documents to the police too.

If you share documents which show their culpability, be aware that they may become extremely retaliatory (yes, they are that invested in appearing to be a 100 percent victim - being a "believable" victim also makes it much easier for them to continue to be a perpetrator and putting all of the blame on you).

Many also steal things that mean a great deal to you (to hurt you), but that is for another post.

In general, stealing evidence is deceptive and part of lying because it tries to paint the truth as something else. If they cannot steal evidence it does not make gaslighting, fault-finding, harsh judgments and smear campaigns very easy because evidence has a way of countering it.

In most situations where evidence is being collected and tactics like gaslighting, fault-finding, smear campaigns and "getting people to believe" the narcissist's or sociopath's perspectives, expect that the narcissist or sociopath will no longer want to talk to you or have you in their life. You are too much of a liability to the image they try to present to others as "always more right than others, always more perfect than others, always more intelligent than others, always more of a victim than their victims". 

IS THERE ANY WAY TO DETECT LIES?

Note: body language has been proven to not a good indicator of a lie. Looks of shame can appear on the faces of truth tellers as well as liars. Shame can also be an indicator of child abuse or of being among many authority figures who got compliance with demands through shame. In the case of child abuse, the person was shamed throughout childhood, and not because he or she lied, but the shame became embedded in the personality. Shame can be an indicator of feelings of low self esteem and low sense of self worth. Also gaze aversion is not an indicator of lying either, and for the same reasons. Gaze aversion can also be an indication of feeling uncomfortable, of being shy and introverted, of not being comfortable with other people, of preferring not to be part of most conversations, and so on. So none of these should be used to detect lying. 

Lie detector tests are also not a good indicator of lying either. Anxiety levels can go up or down for a number of reasons. For instance, psychopaths tend to pass lie detector tests because they have entirely different autonomic nervous systems. The article I have linked to in the paragraph explains why they are flawed.

Since facial expressions and lie detector tests are not an adequate way to decipher whether a person is lying or not, the best way to detect lying is deciphering a history of lying, broken promises, future faking, using perspecticide and invalidation a lot in close personal relationships. Serial cheating can also be a sign, especially if pathological lying was part of it. An unempathetic view of the partner's suffering or depression over the serial cheating can be an indication too.. A history of lying is an indicator that someone has more probability to lie in the moment. 

This means you have to know the person fairly well. 

Keeping an eye open for inconsistencies to stories, exaggerations, their need for power and control, and how much they put other people down while aggrandizing themselves in the stories they tell can be some indications that you are dealing with someone who plays with the truth.

Because narcissists and sociopaths are vague when they tell lies, if you have any doubts, ask them to elaborate and give lots and lots of details. In other words, always encourage an extensive narrative where you have many details on record.

Some other signs:

* They tend to tell lies in a concise, simple and vague manner where possibilities are left open. There are words and options that are left open, so that they can be retracted or reinterpreted later on. Phrases like "might" or "may" or "I think so".

    They do not give too much information in a communication, staying close to the truth but with some deviations, embellishing stories without verifiable research or information, telling a plausible story but embedding it with the truth and lies in equal parts.

* They tend to prefer to lie face to face rather than in written or recorded statements.

* They tend to exaggerate

* "An assumption of power":  they don't have the power that they espouse that they do

* Fabrications: they make up experiences which are used to protect them and the lies they tell. For narcissistic people, the lies tend to be stories where they are either the heroes or the victims.

* They tend to operate in the world through "a life of concealment"; i.e. "secrets" and clandestine experiences. In order to keep people from knowing the truth, they will often pit people against each other (overly criticize, insult, smear campaign so that each party hates the other party, or is suspicious of the other party) and make up stories about others in order to hide the "life of concealment". Because of this, they also tend to have a private self and a public self, where the private self will cause embarrassment to their public self if the private self is ever leaked by someone else (which it often is). The "life of concealment" also means punishing or hurting others who have revealed "their private self".

* They practice lying to get better at it. They also try to memorize their made up stories. They also tend to feign feelings when they tell lies (gaining acting experience).

 * They tend to tell their children both blatant lies and truthful stories but embed those stories with lies so that they can see if they can win at:
     - the "lying game"
     - the "blaming game" (i.e. the child accepts the blame even though it is known to both parties that he is not to blame, that it is a lie that the child is to blame) - this is done to see how far the child will go to stay in his parent's good graces
     - to see how vulnerable and gullible to lies the child is
     - to see how far the parent can lie until the child will not accept a fantastical lie
     - to see if the child will protest if a blatant lie is told
     - to test the loyalty of a child if he is fed a great number of lies embedded in truths
     - to test if he can manipulate the mind of the child into hating his siblings or other parent through false narratives, made up stories, lies and half truths
     - to test if the child can be manipulated to do something for the parent based on a lie
     - to test the child's intelligence and ability to decipher lies and false narratives that the parent tells
     - to see if the child will agree to the parent "reading minds" or "reading thoughts"
     - to test how much rage, withdrawl of love and care, and threats the child will withstand from the parent to accept the lie as a truth 
     - to see if the child will agree to have a low self esteem based on lies the parent says about the child's character and intentions (where perspecticide and lying go together)
     - to see if a child is vulnerable to looking at his parent as "the authority" on nearly everything, even if so much of what the parent says is a lie
     - to see if the child will "go along to get along" with the parent no matter how many lies are told, even if the child is not worshiping the parent, but the child still wants acceptance enough to "go along"
     - to see if the child will uphold all of the parent's lies and never leak them to anyone (the "trust game" that abusive parents like to play with their own children)
     - in the case of infidelity, to see if the child will go along with the infidelity, the lies about the infidelity to the other parent, and the affair of the parent without a reaction or a protest from the child (another loyalty challenge game) ... also will the child normalize infidelity and disloyalty in such a way that it benefits the abusive parent?

As you can see, children are used as guinea pigs to see what and how much the narcissist can get away with in terms of lying, disloyalty, abuse, affairs, expecting the child to uphold lies without feeling anything contrary to what the parent wants the child to feel, keeping the parents lies from leaking, agreeing to lies and false narratives in order to be accepted by the parent, and so on. And we wonder why so many abused children have trouble in school, or with trust in adults ...

* The best indicators for pathological lying is knowing whether the person is exhibiting personality disorders in the Cluster B spectrum. Use of charm, invalidation, perspecticide, gaslighting, low or no empathy, mirroring your interests, and all of the tactics to the right (the column listing abuse tactics here on my web page). We know that the overwhelming number of narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths lie, and that deceiving others is part of their disorder and their personality.

SO HOW DID THEY GET TO BE LIARS

WHO PRESS OTHERS TO ACCEPT THEIR FALSE NARRATIVES?
AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOING FORWARD?
CAN THEY CHANGE?

They are capable of change but an incredibly high percentage do not want to change and downright refuse to change. The general rule is to be very wary of pronouncements of change (especially if they are emotionally and psychologically abusive). Here is why:

The answer often lies in their childhood. Usually something was traumatic enough where they did not feel they could be their authentic selves and tell the truth. Perhaps their parent lied a lot, abused them and tried to convince them they were the perpetrator instead of the victim (that the child made the parent abuse the child). Or they watched on the sidelines while a sibling became a scapegoat and where that scapegoat was lied about and lied to. If the scapegoating was done without any push-back, they will feel they can do it too, with the same results.

At any rate, the parent molded them in this environment of lies and half truths, and if the lies weren't believed, where there were many, many consequences, excuses and more lies. Deceptions became part of the family dialogue.

Pathological lying and rewriting history tends to take place in authoritarian families (where you are often punished for not going along with what a parent expects of you, and the lies the parent wants you to believe), in families where marital infidelity (cheating) is the norm, in crime families where revenge fantasies are played out and where lying is used to extort money, power and things from others, in alcoholic families where the truth is such a slippery slope because the parents are so inebriated that they don't know what the truth is because they are in black-outs so much of the time and hide their alcoholism by making events up, where children can be viewed as an inconvenience that keeps the parent from drinking and where the consequence of that is child neglect, where there is family incest, and where there is generational family abuse and violence. Lying and pointing the finger at others is seen as needed to stay safe, because culpability, even if tiny, has extreme consequences, especially in an authoritarian family. Lying is also used to keep a family reputation intact, or some of the members enmeshed with each other.

The more these things are prevalent in the family home, and the more the child is expected and blackmailed into conforming to the lied version of stories, the more the child will accept lies, lying, and dis-empowerment. There is a good likelihood that some of the children will take up lying themselves. The golden child might lie about his siblings to stay on his parent's pedestal, the scapegoat might lie or agree to lies to stay safe, the mascot might lie about his family being wonderful when it is actually dysfunctional and abusive, and instead be led into looking at "the family as a comedy of characters", and the lost child might lie just to stay out of the turmoil and embroilment so that he can keep his focus elsewhere, and away from the family dynamics.

The problem is, lying and blaming others can become a run-away train, used in all situations where the child and adults do not feel comfortable or safe, and where the truth won't be believed any way. In authoritarian families in particular, the parents decide what the truth is, who is telling the truth, what truth or lie will protect the parent's reputation and image the most, which lie or truth will protect the parent's authority over the children the most, which of the children is expendable in terms of keeping the lies going and the appearances up, and so on.

On top of it all, there is the double bind (which I have yet to publish): a child is expected to uphold lies that his narcissistic or sociopathic parent wants him to uphold, while at the same time insist that the child tell the truth at all times, and then when the child tells the truth, the parent decides he is not telling the truth, and punishes the child. This kind of no-win "double bind game" is particularly used on scapegoats in a family.

This can turn into:
When the golden child lies, he is deemed by the parent to be telling the truth.
When the scapegoat tells the truth, he is deemed to be lying.

Remember that in the beginning of this post I said that there were studies done that show that sociopaths and narcissists are the least likely to be able to tell who is lying and who is telling the truth among the general population. A lot of this accounts for why they see the truth-teller as a liar and why they see the liar as a truth-teller. When you put children (and people in general) into roles, you are even less likely to be able to decipher who is telling the truth and who is lying. When you make impulsive judgments, even more ability to see the truth is taken away from you.

So lies and the truth are based on what the narcissist wants them to be.

The authoritarian parent tells the family what lies have to be accepted as the truth and what truths have to be accepted as lies in order to be a member of that family.

When the child grows up, he either rebels against lies and lying, or of upholding false narratives (which usually means he gets scapegoated) ... or he upholds it all and uses it for his own benefit in his own relationships and life (which usually means he gets a golden child status, even if he is manipulating his own parent in this way eventually, which he usually does: remember that it is "a way of life", not just some random slip).

Agreeing to go along with lies or not agreeing to go along with lies has an either/or component to it in the abusive authoritarian family, and terrible consequences for the children who have to decide what to do with all of these lies and false narratives ... including how to respond, how to look at lies and false narratives, whether to accept the lies and false narratives as they are or to question their validity, or reject them, whether it is a good way to live or a bad way to live, whether worshiping a parent who lies, smears, gaslights and tells false narratives is making them sick and anxious or whether it intrigues them as to how much the parent gets away with it, whether to go on with the family tradition of lying including punishing their own children for not accepting family lies, or whether to give up the family tradition altogether (which will most likely mean that the child will not have a close relationship with the parent who lies).

If your spouse is a pathological liar, he or she most likely came from a family like this. He adapted to lies in his family, and then took up lying himself, and was rewarded for both by the parent.

So if you are a spouse of someone like this (someone who repeatedly lies and feels little remorse), think about how he, as a child, was rewarded for it. Parental reward is absolutely huge for a child, and molds him and shapes him into being what he is today. Lying, if it is pathological, is like a drug addiction. It seems to him to have more benefits than losses.

Does he care about his lying causing you pain? No, because he grew up in a family where lying was not confronted, or at the extreme end, condoned. The child doing the confronting a lie was punished and scapegoated (usually), not the liar. So it is ingrained in his being that lying and false narratives bring him great results, sometimes rewards, will be condoned by the parent, with no consequences.

The consequence of his lying is that you are in pain, but one of the reasons he doesn't care about your pain is because to him, you act like the pathetic scapegoat in his family - yes, abusive families see scapegoats as pathetic, stupid and crazy, and are called those things repeatedly. The scapegoat is usually invalidated, his feelings don't matter to anyone in the family (and the parent tries to teach the other children in the family to ignore the scapegoat's feelings and then eventually the scapegoat altogether). That is why your feelings don't matter. He has been taught to be aneasthetized to others' pain. The scapegoat is also punished and/or rejected when the scapegoat confronts the parent about the parent's lies, so to him, lies are reward-able and the truth is punishable.

If your partner is a narcissist or sociopath like the parent who taught him to lie, he will parrot the parent: to blame and blame-shift any culpability on to you, that somehow something was wrong with you that made him lie. Or he will be gaslighting you instead: you better believe in what he is telling you or else you will be punished, after all he is your spouse and spouses are loyal (even though you have caught him at cheating). And most of the time the blame shifting escalates and gets worse in all kinds of situations.  As long as you are in pain, you are deemed to be pathetic, stupid and crazy, just like the one in his family who was abused the most.

He was taught to be unempathetic, cruel, blaming and gaslighting by a parent who did that to one of his siblings, or to the other parent, or both, and now he has taken what he learned from the abusive parent and is doing it to you.

If your partner or spouse grew up witnessing a lot of physical abuse in tandem with emotional and psychological abuse, and he is using all of the other tactics narcissists and sociopaths use, expect him to be physically abusive as well.

This is why it is not to your benefit to stay in a relationship with an individual like this, no matter how many affairs he is flaunting (which he does to make himself look desirable and worth competing for), no matter how many self esteem crushing things he says to you (which he hopes will make you believe that you are barely worthy of him because he has so many other ladies around for the taking), and no matter how much money and leisure he flaunts. None if it makes a bit of difference if you are trapped in an abusive controlling relationship where he calls all of the shots and shows no empathy for anything you go through.

Many children who have parents who are narcissists and sociopaths feel like they have been through a war (the only difference is that war is at home instead of on a battlefield, and the things they are fighting for are a voice, consideration for their feelings, compassion, respect, dignity, justice, an even hand, some choices in situations that are effecting them, a right to live without abuse or excuses about abuse, the right to have their own perspectives without being invalidated, the right to be consistently loved like other children, the right not to be pitted against a sibling by their parent, the right to non-retaliating or sadistic parental responses, the right to make decisions about their own lives without severe parental consequences, none of which they get if they have an NPD or ASPD parent). Do you think you can do any better than their children? And if you have children with people like this, your children will be living in a sea of lies, made up stories, often affairs that effect them even more than they effect you, and they will be emotionally scarred and punished depending on how they respond to lies. You will have to make the decision to protect your children. If you do protect your children, expect your spouse to rage, to be vindictive, to threaten divorce, rub affairs in your face, call you crazy and unattractive, and punish you and the child you are protecting. If they get the feeling that they cannot control you and how you relate to your children, they will usually put you through the nastiest divorce and custody battles that they can muster. If you stay, your children are likely to be blackmailed, pitted against each other, continually abused or abandoned, and anxious. Before you get in deep, please consider that these people are usually not worth competing for (the "competing" will never end anyway, and they pronounce themselves judge, jury and lawyer); they aren't worth reasoning with; they aren't worth having children with; and they are rarely even worth going to therapy with (because they will be lying to the therapist too, trying to enlist the therapist to co-bully-blame you, and putting on their charming Dr. Jekyll face, which are just additional lies you will have to deal with even if the therapist sees through the lies) ... "what glitters isn't gold" by a long shot. Receiving a flattering kind of love bombing from them, being good in bed or having a few interests in common isn't worth the nightmare you will have to endure.

IN CONCLUSION

In the next section (yet to be published) I talk about different ways people respond to being lied to, and how a lot of lies and false narratives in close personal relationships effect both victims and perpetrators. It even effects the brain functioning of both perpetrators and victims. I also discuss the common responses therapists suggest to deal with pathological liars (even ones who may be a sibling, a parent, or a spouse).

It is much too long to go into in this post, thus the need for another post.

The next two videos are highly recommended by Lisa Romano:

"What Happens When the Narcissist Knows You've Figured Them Out"

"Narcissist Pathological Liars/Deception and Shift Blaming/They Can't Tell the Truth"

This next one is by therapist Les Carter called
"A Narcissist's 3 Selves: Public, Private and Secret"
It's the secrets and the inability to discuss their own emotional issues
that give their narcissism away:

This next one is by psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula
who specializes in narcissism and relationships with narcissists
entitled "What is 'Future Faking'? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships):

Why are abusers, narcissists and sociopaths rejecting, violent and offended by facial expressions, glances and your tone of voice - my own post (with lots of research, experiments and studies on the topic). A lot of battered women are victims of this.

8 Common Narcissist Lies (Be on the lookout for these, before you’re exploited!) - by Preston Ni M.S.B.A. for Psychology Today

7 Gaslighting Phrases Malignant Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use To Silence You, Translated - by Shahida Arabi for Psych Central

12 Of The Most Common Lies Sociopaths And Narcissists Tell, Translated Into Truth - by Shahida Arabi for Psych Central

6 Toxic Arguing Techniques Used by Narcissists and Manipulators - by Darius Cikanavicius, Author, Certified Coach for Psych Central

Narcissists Promise You Everything, but Fail to Deliver (Who is the real “crazy ex” when a narcissist’s relationship falls apart?) - by Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D.

How Narcissists Use Future Faking to Manipulate You - by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central

“The Fix Is In”: How Narcissists Spin Your (Possible) Future Problems To Make Themselves Look Good - by Lenora Thompson for Psych Central

How Narcissists Pretend to Impress, Manipulate, and Use You- by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central

How Narcissists Blame and Accuse Others for Their Own Shortcomings - by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central

How Narcissists React to Information About Narcissism - by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central

8 Toxic Ways Narcissistic Mothers Emotionally Abuse Their Children - by Shahida Arabi for Psych Central

5 Things Sociopathic Parents Hide Behind - by Jonice Webb PhD for Psych Central

The Number 1 Way to Become Less Vulnerable to Narcissists and Sociopaths - by Jonice Webb PhD for Psych Central

Psychopaths are unable to love their own children — here's why (Experts say that narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths do not have a sense of empathy) - by Lindsay Dodgson for the UK publication, Independent

9 Signs Your Mom Might Be A Sociopath - by Carina Wolff for Bustle

What It's Like To Have A Parent Who Is A Sociopath (If you are the child of a sociopathic parent, I understand how tough it is) - by Brianna Wiatrak for The Odyssey Online

Narcissists & The Art of Future-Faking - by Zari Ballard for the Narcissistic Partners and Relationship Agenda website

The Fifty Future Fakes - by H.G. Tudor for the Knowing the Narcissist website 

What is the difference between gaslighting and lying? -from Quora

excerpt:

Gaslighting goes a step further as it is deception and telling lies. The intention isn't only to hide the truth but to outright deny things that the other person has experienced ...

I’ve counseled hundreds of victims of gaslighting. Here’s how to spot if you’re being gaslighted. - by Robin Stern, counselor, for Vox

Gaslighting: A Sneaky Kind Of Emotional Abuse - by Mary Elizabeth Dean for Better Help

excerpt:

Gaslighting is one of the most difficult types of emotional abuse to recognize. Most kinds of emotional abuse are easy to spot if you can look at the situation rationally rather than emotionally. Someone puts you down constantly, criticizes every move you make, shames you, blames you, calls you names, refuses to show you affection until they get what they want, punishes you, or keeps you away from friends and family - all in an attempt to control you. These are more obvious forms of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting is different, though. Instead of abusing you in obvious ways, the gaslighter controls you by manipulating, hiding, and distorting the facts of your situation. You become confused and disoriented because the gaslighter has caused you to doubt your sanity. Being controlled by someone else is never easy. Being gaslighted is especially hard to deal with simply because it's such a sneaky form of abuse. The person who gaslights you wants to control you, just like with other types of abuse. They just don't want you (or anyone else) to know they're doing it.

The Secret Façade of the Vulnerable Narcissist - by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC for Psych Central

The Secret to Spotting Subtle Narcissists - by Craig Malkin, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

The Nightmare of a False Accusation - by John Amodeo, Ph.D. for Psych Central

The Quandary of Being Falsely Accused and How to Deal with It - by John Amodeo, Ph.D. for Psych Central

Separating the Narcissist’s Delusion from Reality - by Sarah Newman, MA, MFA for Psych Central

4 Behaviors That Unmask Narcissists - by Peg Streep for Psych Central

5 Reasons Why Keeping Family Secrets Could Be Harmful - by Suzanne Handler, MEd for Psych Central

The Power of Secrets (They divide people. They deter new relationships. And they freeze the development on individuals) - by Evan Imber-Black for Psychology Today

Family Secrets (A therapist's guide to telling the truth — and healing) - by Evan Imber-Black, Ph.D., the director of the Center for Families and Health at New York City's Ackerman Institute, and the author of "The Secret Life of Families" for Good Housekeeping

Five Ways to Recognize a Toxic Family - by Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. for her own website

Toxic Family Secrets: Did you grow up in a home where there were toxic family secrets? - by Josephine Ferraro, LCSW for her own website

An area of psychology massively under catered for: both a thorough understanding and analysis of covert narcissistic personality disorder and covert exploitative tactics and specifically how to treat the type of devastating long term complex trauma and damage to an individuals psyche this kind of invisible abuse can cause. - by Richard Grannon, Life Coach

 Lenora Thompson of Psych Central in her article, 4 Truths for ACONS (Adult Children of Narcissists):
excerpt:

... from the tender age of six, I was expected to tattle on myself. Not just when asked either. To be proactive on confessing anything and everything wrong (including the stuff I now realize wasn’t wrong) I had done, said, felt, thought to my mother.

Then she lectured and/or punished me.

By any yardstick, that upbringing would be enough to turn anyone into a first class deceiver. A pathological liar.

But it didn’t. I’m still honest to a fault. That’s to my credit…not theirs.

Narcissists Never Talk About What They Did to Hurt You, Only How You Reacted - by Gerald Sinclair for Awareness Act
excerpt:

Narcissists are some of the worst people to have a conflict with because instead of working through the issues you’re both facing with one another, the narcissist closes off drastically. Instead of owning up to what they did to upset you, the narcissist will push your buttons until you explode and then act as if you reacted in an extreme manner over nothing.

abusers, narcissists, alcoholics, sociopaths and word salad arguments

© photo by Lise Winne

Word salad has different meanings, depending on the psychiatric illness or disorder of the person using word salad.

Most people associate "word salad" with dementia or schizophrenia. In people with these disorders it appears as words, phrases and sentences which can appear to be random, confused or unintelligible. In other words, in this case, the listener cannot extract meaning from them. Some alcoholics can also fall under this category, though when they are sober they become intelligible again.

Eventually the term began to be used by reporters for politicians who were trying to dodge, divert and deflect questions. The term began to be used for narcissists and sociopaths too, particularly in court.
The term "word salad arguments" graduated to being used in clinical situations as well.

Word salad in abusive homes (typically run by parents with Cluster B personality disorders, of which narcissism and sociopathy are two of the major ones) indicates a conversation of not only dodging, diverting, distracting and deflecting, but also of blaming and shifting focus away from themselves (and all culpability). Narcissists and sociopaths are known for arguing with others about how perfect they are, where as their accusers are often smeared and/or slandered. In some instances it is also re-framing stories and experiences so that the altered versions make the personality disordered parent look good/better than others.

The term also began to be used for the more functional intelligible alcoholics who were trying to keep the conversation away from their drinking.

For alcoholics, word salad can be used to shift conversations away from why they drink, how they act and react while under the influence of alcohol, health problems that are exacerbated from drinking, indeed it can be anything. Some alcoholics have been known to lose their morality, ethics, health, their major relationships, ability to work, ability to remember things clearly, former cognitive abilities and even the ability to be rational.

Most alcoholics "protect" the subject of their drinking because it is part of the addiction process. In order to be enslaved by an addiction, the slave must protect the seemingly benevolent master who is making the alcoholic feel good. "Feeling good" is exchanged for dependence. If the slave withdraws from the master, there are consequences (DTs, realizations of how he has treated others, looking at the state of his life which often deteriorates, the state of his health which also often deteriorates, and so on).  Word salad is just another way that some alcoholics explain away culpability for their actions.

For instance: say that the alcoholic drinks more than he usually does and gets in a fight at a local bar, and he beats someone up. The police are called and the alcoholic is taken to a jail cell for the night. When he wakes up, he wonders why he is in jail. He doesn't remember the bar fight and he thinks he has been "set up" by someone with an agenda to hurt him or make him culpable of a crime. So dodging culpability might sound like word salad: full of excuses, events that he swears are "the real truth", diverting the conversation to other topics, and dodging any responsibility for wounding someone else, denying "black outs" (amnesia) that many alcoholics experience, which takes focus away from "the drinking problem."

For narcissists, their main focus is on narcissistic supply (on-going attention and flattery, and a need for absolute power and control over people), and like an addict, they will do anything to get it. They also don't have empathy, so they use people in their lives, and get bored, and dump people, even their own children. They even expect their own spouses and children to idealize and aggrandize them. Many narcissists are self indulgent and don't care about the feelings of others around them, and they can be retaliatory if they are not getting what they demand, so they hurt just about everyone in their lives in their quest for endless amounts of narcissistic supply. Extramarital affairs, lying, stealing, hurting others, a haughty lecturing arrogant demeanor, acting and self indulgence can become their lifestyle to the detriment of all of the people closest to them. They can feel a lot more comfortable with strangers than with people who know them well because strangers are innocent to what they are about, and don't know what their agenda is (i.e. it is to get supply through love bombing or mirroring).

When it comes to word salad, they deflect and try to dodge any culpability. If you persist in making them culpable, many of them will "punish you", or somehow make a project of you with smear campaigns and outright lies, including trying to make you appear to be insane (this can, again, include their own children and spouse). They insist that everything that goes wrong around them or makes them feel bad about themselves is everyone else's fault -- they like to pretend they are victims, while the real victims, the people closest to them, who have been coldly cast aside or emotionally eviscerated and trampled on, are called the abusers. It is the extremely rare narcissist who will apologize for anything. If they do apologize, they are often "up against a wall" of societal shame, so the apology is not genuine or voluntary; it is to save face, period.

Sociopaths also use word salad, except they do it differently than narcissists. Narcissists dodge and weave to keep their social standing high, or intact (which means they try to keep a lot of the abusive, back-stabbing, under-handed stuff they do a secret, and terrorize victims who are not willing to let their immoral unethical behaviors go or who are a threat to the false image they are trying to present in their social circles). Sociopaths, who are usually socially awkward, if charming, use the guilt-trip as their deflection tool.

For instance, say that you caught them at an immoral act. They will immediately switch the conversation to how much you owe them. If you are their child, the guilt trip will be for that ice-cream they gave you when you were seven, and that twenty dollar fee they gave you to buy a costume for the school play, or that 150 dollar contribution to your college education. Sociopaths are cheap, but they don't forget about a single cent, and all gifts to them are IOUs. So they will hammer away at you about how evil you are, about how ungrateful you are, about how stupid you are, about how you don't measure up to anyone else they know, and how you owe them the world because of those small gifts. If you are their spouse, they will talk about how they purchased a nice house (even if tiny or falling down), how they took you on vacations (even if rarely), how they found you a doctor when you were sick (even if they waited until you were in dire shape). Gratitude is everything to sociopaths, and if you are deemed to be ungrateful, the punishments arise.

They threaten and they are sadistic in order to get that IOU, which really boils down to them thinking you owe them slavery, whether it is sexual slavery, child servant-type slavery, being a total sycophant in a marriage, etc. In other words, they feel a lot more entitled than narcissists.

I have mentioned before in this post that just about all child molesters and child sex abusers are sociopaths and malignant narcissists, but not all sociopaths and malignant narcissists are child molesters and child sex abusers. The IOUs in these cases can simply be the sociopath's feelings of entitlement to have sex with a minor. If they can avoid gift-giving, sex is obtained through threats leveraged at the child. Or if it is a family member, the child might be given some extra privileges or little gifts like candy, and the IOU would be a sexual demand. If the child is a scapegoat, the sexual abuse often is inappropriately dealt with by the parent as it was in this case because the child is in a permanent state of punishment and not cared for.

Having to supply sex to an adult when you are seven or eight, or even twelve, is deeply traumatic to a child (and I can't emphasize that enough). It does cause serious PTSD. It is especially traumatic because the child is under threat to keep it a secret. So any convenient IOU is used for even the most minor, brief kindnesses or relief from abuse.

Sociopaths almost never apologize or change. They often sit on death row telling everyone that their victims are to blame.      

For the rest of the post, I am focusing on giving examples of narcissists and their particular brand of word salad:

A 15 year old teenage girl finds out her mother is having an affair on her father: 

First of all, I'd like to say that a lot of narcissists indulge in extra-marital affairs. In a way they are sex addicts (they do it for narcissistic supply). The narcissists who use sex are generally referred to as somatic narcissists.

The overt narcissists have extra-marital affairs openly, and sometimes even to punish their spouse, or to make their spouse feel uneasy and insecure in the relationship. The message is: "I'm so awesome! Look at how many beautiful people want to screw me! You are in competition with THEM, so you can be NOTHING to me in no time flat, unless you do absolutely EVERYTHING I want, or else!"

The covert narcissists have extra-marital affairs "covertly", in secrecy, and they lie and dodge to keep their spouse from knowing about it. So the covert feels some shame about what they are doing, and how many people they are screwing, but all narcissists put their needs and wants first before all family members. They feel they need the narcissistic supply the sexual partners give them, but they prefer to get it covertly, so that they can look like an upstanding citizen (i.e. not like a whore). So they get their sex on the side by pretending to go out to a meeting, or a parent-teacher conference, or swimming at the gym, anything that is deemed suburban-acceptable. Anything non-threatening and common is used as an excuse to get out of the house and into the arms of their lovers.

The following story is more about a covert narcissist:

Angela, the teenager, is walking on a very quiet side street in her downtown and sees her mother in the doorway of a deserted store with their neighbor, Mr. Rick Reinaldo (made up name). Her mother is kissing him passionately; there are long embraces and when they part ways, she squeezes his hand and it appears that she says, "I'll miss you." Then Mr. Reinaldo pulls her back for another long embrace and kiss, and her mother gets on her tippy toes and presses her groin into his, until they finally part ways again.

Angela, of course is stunned, and she hates that Mr. Reinaldo lives in her neighborhood and is now going to be a constant threat to the security and sanctity of her family.

When Angela gets home she looks at her mother and feels disgust. She cannot bear to even look at her, so takes off to her room where she cries until supper. She obviously feels that her world is falling apart, that her mother isn't what she thought she was, that her mother probably doesn't care about her father if she would put the family and marriage at risk.

So Angela is, understandably, going through some trauma about the situation, as most kids do in these situations.

At the dinner table she can barely look at her mother. She also doesn't feel like eating (not eating is also a sign of trauma). Her father looks intently at Angela and notices that her eyes are all red and swollen. He reaches out to touch her, and asks her what is wrong. But he doesn't get an answer. The more he comforts her, the more inconsolable she seems to be.

So he looks at his wife, Helen, and asks her what is wrong.

"How should I know? You know how she is! Sensitive about everything! She'd be sensitive about a pea under ten mattresses!" -- this is typical of narcs, to see one of their children as "too sensitive."

"Hell I am! I caught you, Mom!"

"What the Hell are you talking about?! I made you your dinner you ungrateful little twerp! If you caught me making dinner, then yes, I do that!" Helen says. Narcs try to get the conversation moving in a different direction, even though they know what "getting caught" means.

"Mom, I caught you kissing Mr. Reinaldo."

Helen looks at her husband who looks shocked, walks up and whispers, "She's fifteen. She doesn't know anything yet. There is nothing going on. I'll talk to her about what neighbors are about."

So Helen takes Angela to her room and they sit on a bed together.

Helen begins to lecture Angela:

"Now Angela, sometimes neighbors greet each other and they are a little more friendly than other people out in the world. Now, you know Cathy and Bianca Reinaldo, nice kids, wouldn't you say?"

"Mom, I saw you kissing him! On the street!"

"Kissing a neighbor in a greeting is a lot of what neighbors do. You have to understand that this is a very close neighborhood where we have barbecues over at each other's houses. It is friendly here. You remember when you and Cathy Reinaldo found that little kitten? Wasn't that kitten cute? And we adopted him. But I'm sorry he ran off, Angela --"

"But, Mom, that wasn't a little peck of a kiss like neighbors give. I'm not stupid! You were deep kissing!"

Helen laughs. "Well, I don't blame you for having a vivid imagination!" (note this is gaslighting, which usually takes place in word salad arguments too). "You know, when you were young, you had all kinds of imaginative friends. You remember your teddy bears all had names and distinct personalities? That was such a wonderful time of your life! You should always remember those times! And now your imagination is making you into a formidable talent. I'd love to hear you write more songs and --" (note the diversions and dodging and buttering up -- this is all part of word salad).

"Mom, I don't have a vivid imagination! You were kissing him in that doorway of that store on Regent Street!"

"But you do have a vivid imagination! I see you as a brilliant songwriter, singing on stages, singing about songs that are all about love! It's no wonder you see love in everything! It's what you want! But you are too young to have a husband now. But some day you will --"

"Stop it, Mom! I'm not talking about my career or a husband when I grow up! Just stop it!"

Helen looks shocked. Her eyes dart around madly as if she is thinking about what to say. Then she comes up with it: "Well, I was just trying to get you into a better frame of mind! You need that, don't you? A little more happiness in your life? You don't need to worry about me!"

"Mom, I wasn't worried about you!"

"Yes, you were! You were worried, and you are soooo young, and you don't understand adults yet. Perhaps you were reading into it that you thought I loved Mr. Reinaldo, so you saw deep kissing when it wasn't ANYTHING; it's like worrying about a thunderstorm when you are in bed and cozy. That thunderstorm can't do anything to you, but you worry and fret about it when it is happening. And then you get all of us up in the middle of the night because you can't sleep because you think the gods are all thrashing about in the sky because your mind is that imaginative and good. Worrying will make you read way too much into situations. It happens, so I forgive you ..."

"Mom, stop with the vivid imagination already! I'm not so naive that I don't know what you did!"

"But that's the thing. You ARE that naive. If you go on like this, just like you do when there is a thunderstorm, you'll get your father all upset, worried and concerned. Don't you think he has enough on his plate with the mortgage and all? With all of his work responsibilities and keeping us all fed and happy? You get him out of bed in the middle of the night all of the time over the slightest rumble. I think you are playing this up to that extent too, and it's all right because you are such a great imaginative songwriter. You might want to try your hand at writing a love song, and I could critique it if you would like. You seem to be focused on love, and I could teach you what it really is about. I'm good at grammar too, and I --"

"Mom, why would you kiss him like that?"

Helen starts slitting her eyes and looking mean. "Mr. Reinaldo? Why were you downtown? Answer me that! You were supposed to be home doing homework! You aren't supposed to be anywhere until you do your homework! And I doubt you finished it if you were in town that early to --"

"Mom, today was 'free-for-all day', not regular classes. I took drama, a swimming lesson and played basketball, and in homeroom we had a big long party and a movie. Don't you remember the note the school sent home?"

"No, I don't. Hmmm, a drama class. That's good, because you ARE dramatic. In fact you are being a drama queen right now. It's always about drama and upsetting people, isn't it? Drama, drama, drama!" (note: this is a favorite phrase among narcissists -- they often accuse people around them of creating drama). "Anyway, I think you are lying. I'm sure you had homework to do. In fact, how about getting all of the facts and figures together for your composition? What happened to that?"

"I didn't have home work. That's the thing about 'free-for-all day'. No homework."

"Well, you still have that composition to prepare for."

"That's not due for a month."

"In fact, I think you still need to be punished. You accused me, and you were downtown snooping around. How dare you! Now I see that your imagination has taken hold of your senses to the point where you look so badly upon your own mother that you think she is a slut! I really can't believe this! After all I have done for you! I made your meal tonight which you were too uppity and ungrateful to eat or thank me for! So, you deserve to be punished!" -- another favorite diverting tactic is the "ungrateful phrase".

"I wasn't snooping. I was --"

"Yes, you were snooping! Now I have had enough of this talk! How dare you think that I was having an affair with Mr. Reinaldo! How dare you think that I was THAT kind of woman! If you are going to invent that kind of mother, there will be consequences! After all I have done for you, for your father and for this family! I really don't want to hear another word out of your mouth about Mr. Reinaldo! Now if you say another word about this to anyone, or get anyone upset about what you think you saw, then we'll add on another week, and another week, and another week of your punishment! Is that what you want?"

"So what is my punishment?"

"You are to come home from school and you are going to go immediately to your room! We'll do this for one week to start ... You are NOT allowed downtown until you can behave yourself!" -- narcs are famous for isolating their "naughty" intelligent children to a room. Isolation as a disciplinary tool does not work very well in normal circumstances, and especially as a way to "hide the evidence" by strong-arming the child.

In this situation, everything is on the child's shoulders to pretend that this a perfect family, with a perfect mother who would NEVER, not EVER, in a million years, have an affair! The punishment of the child who knows the truth or embodies the truth is typically marginalized in narcissistic and sociopathic "punishing families". Word salad and super-imposing an altered experience is part of the lexicon of abuse: gaslighting, bullying and erroneous blaming.

One of the problems is that it can build estrangement and distrust between mother and daughter. When the teenager grows into an adult, she will still remember being punished for knowing the truth about her mother (a truth that can't be denied by word salad). Once the child becomes an adult, Helen would feel that she had to make more word salad out of it (narcissists usually pile lies upon lies to excuse themselves): "Well, I didn't want you to be concerned over adult matters. I didn't want to upset you. I didn't think it was appropriate to talk to you about it at that time. I did it for your own good." -- narcs are famous for saying their injustices against you are for "your own good" or "the common good".

The response to "I did it for your own good" word salad arguments with children run the gamut. The children know that they had to "serve time" for what their parent did, that they were blamed for seeing it rather than the parent doing it. So children can have a lot of differing reactions including disgust, lack of respect for the parent who is supposed to have higher moral standards and ethics than the child (a parent with low ethics cannot discipline a child very well). The child may keep quiet and pretend to go along so as not to be targeted for another attack. The child may never trust the parent again, seeing the parent as duplicitous and a cheater. The child may see the parent as immoral and injust (for punishing her own child for "being keeper of the truth", which again effects the parent's ability to teach or discipline the child). The child may have disgust over the gaslighting. The child might display signs of cognitive dissonance. The child may be shocked and grieving over the loss of what she thought her mother was. There may be on-going anger over the injustice. Children who grow up with this kind of parent either keep very quiet (too quiet, even about their motivations and feelings about their parent) or they talk back. No matter what the reaction is, this word salad argument has long lasting effects, far-reaching consequences and can traumatize others far into the future. The additional problem is, word salad arguments tend to be used over, and over, and over again: sometimes narcs literally live on their word salad arguments to the point where they appear to be an empty shell or totally insane.

Most people cannot live with someone who repeatedly uses word salad to explain away their actions, which is why narcs abandon, or are abandoned, at a dizzying rate. Part of feeling narc-entitled to have affairs and lie consistently, is that you break people's hearts, minds and trust in you. You also break their belief in you. You are labeled as unethical.

Word salad is used primarily as a way to keep shame off of the narcissist, and in the process the narcissist puts the shame on to the child's shoulders instead, where it does not belong - this is called blame-shifting and it is absolutely horrific and abusive when used in this context.

But, narcs don't care about damaging their children. Children can be, and are, disposed of (usually through a silent treatment) if they object.

Now, sometimes instead of punishing a child who becomes privy to some kind of unethical truth, a narc parent can also try to turn the daughter into a "best friend", confiding in intimate details of the marriage with her father, confiding in how the new relationship with the lover is fulfilling needs, and asking the daughter for guidance, who to choose and other suggestions (completely inappropriate). But narc mothers do this because they feel it keeps the daughter from being an enemy -- and it does work on teenage girls. So narc parents either become completely enmeshed with a child, or they are rejecting of the child, and more often they go between total enmeshment to total estrangement: "idealize, devalue, discard".

For the sake of keeping this story simple, I am featuring a rejected punished daughter.

The next example features how damaging word salad can be to the whole family:

The father finds out his wife is having an affair, and it has been going on for two years:

Helen covers up the incident with Mr. Reinaldo by telling her husband, Bob, that their daughter, Angela, doesn't know the difference between a friendly neighbor kiss and a passionate kiss, that she is too young.

She goes on to explain to her husband: "Don't worry about it. You know I'd never be with a man like Rick Reinaldo anyway. All of those kids! And that big smelly dog of his! And that swimming pool full of leaves and grime! It's preposterous, but our little girl has quite the imagination -- which she needs to put into songwriting instead of this line of thinking! Ha!" Helen laughs heartily as though it is all a big joke. (Note: narcissists are fairly good at acting, which is why she gets away with the lies).

Sometimes, if you know they are narcs, you can know they are lying if they keep talking endlessly about the situation. The problem is that covert narcs are not so easily detected, so the conclusion that they are a narc usually comes way after you have been pretty substantially hurt by them. But just in case, narcs will go on and on and on with cover-ups: "If something ever happened to you, Bob, God forbid, Rick Reinaldo would be the last person I would even consider in my bed. I'd be up to my eyeballs in kids fussy fights, and having two kids of our own is enough for me! You know I don't like kids that much even if I've grown to love ours. No, there is no one but you for me, babe. You and I against the world!" With hugs and kisses ... So, Rick Reinaldo would keep coming up in this way, over and over again. He might even be the butt of the jokes between Bob and Helen. The exception to this rule? A really introverted narc tries to avoid talking about it altogether, or just mumbles things like "How dare you accuse me!"

But this story isn't over yet ...

One day, Bob is in the house alone and he gets a call from Rick Reinaldo's wife, Sharon. Sharon tells Bob that Helen and Rick are having an affair, that she's had enough and is moving out with the kids. Bob is shocked at the news, and asked how she found out and Sharon replies: "They have been having an affair for two years. I caught them in bed together at our house two years ago. Caroline was in a school play, so I took all the kids and we went. Rick stayed home because he had a stomach ache. While we were at the play, Bianca got sick, just throwing up buckets of vomit. We had to leave. So, anyway, we get home, and Helen and Rick are in the shower together, naked, laughing away, and he was telling her how good she was. It made me sick. I chased Helen out, but it just kept going on and on and on, at the office, in their cars, during so-called meetings. He made all of the usual excuses and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but no more. I'm just not living a lie any more. And I'm moving out. This is not good for the kids and they are my main concern. I know that Bianca took it out pretty hard on Angela one day for breaking up our family. I told Bianca not to blame it on Angela, that Angela has nothing to do with what Helen did, but you might want to talk to Angela so that she really understands this."

"So, Angela knows this?" he asks incredulously.

Sharon continues: "I thought maybe Angela would have told you by now, but Angela tells me that Helen is punishing her for being aware of the affair. One reason I'm telling you all of this is concern for Angela."

"I see. I'm in such total shock! I mean Helen has sworn up and down that she finds Rick unattractive, that she would never have an affair with him, that I was the only man for her. I feel like I've been knifed in the back, so I'll have to catch my breath about all of this."

"Bob, I'm so sorry I dropped this bombshell on you, but I figured you would find out sooner or later, and as you know, I'm concerned for the welfare of children, and I really think that Angela's falling grades, her estrangement from a lot of her friends, and what has happened between her and Bianca is too much for her to bear, along with keeping the awful secret of Helen's and Rick's affair to herself. It's not right for that child to live that way."

"No, I agree, it isn't."

When Helen comes home, she and Bob have it out. "What proof do you have? You know how Sharon is! She's jealous of us! She'd love to ruin our marriage! She'd like to have what we have! She's got a husband who is fat, and I've got one who is slender! We have a nice clean swimming pool, and she's got one full of leaves! I mean, how long does it take to rake out a few leaves? And they certainly have the money to hire someone to rake the leaves out for them. But, no! She takes it out on me! I have offered her my rake, and all of my expertise, and that is why I sometimes go over there, trying to get her some help. Let her have her messy yard, her falling down house, her grimy swimming pool. And the other problem is they have too many trees around their swimming pool!" -- you can see how the conversation derailed into typical word salad about a swimming pool instead of about the very dire situation they are in.

When Bob keeps trying to bring the conversation back to Helen's affair with Rick, it keeps getting derailed over and over again until Helen becomes incensed. She tells Bob that she has had enough of the accusations, and distrust, and finding fault. How dare he think she'd be having an affair with someone like Rick Reinaldo. In fact, she threatens that if he continues with this line of talk, she will take the kids away from him and make his life as miserable as he is making her life miserable with all of the accusations.

So, there are several ways these kinds of situations play out:

1. Bob gives in: gives his wife the benefit of the doubt -- the less likely outcome, especially since Sharon has raised his suspicions.

2. Bob doesn't want his kids taken away from him, especially if the mother is duplicitous: it would put the kids at risk. So he needs to have his wits about him and think things through.

3. Bob doesn't believe a word of what his wife says and files for divorce.

If he's a "regular guy", with an ability to keep a cool head, he is going to choose option #2. He is going to call a lawyer and get some idea of the possibilities of what the law can do for him. He might also hire a private detective.

So, he hires a private detective, and the detective finds Helen and Rick in all kinds of compromising situations: taking out a motel room together under an alias, having sex in a car, spending PTA night in another town dancing.

Then he tells her that he is filing for divorce because of infidelity.

At first Helen tries to deny it, saying that it wasn't what it seems (gaslighting). But this time the diverting and dodging isn't working. Bob keeps talking about divorce while she goes on and on and on about how she was forced to have sex with Rick, that there was coercion, control and blackmail involved.

Then Bob finally blows up at her. "I have had enough of the excuses and the lies, Helen! Look at you! You're disgusting!"

"Well, just for that, I'm going to take the kids away from you! And guess what? I'll get them! Because they always give custody to the mother!"

"Damn you, Helen, all you can think of is threatening me after being caught in lies that have been running out of your mouth for two years!? Two years, Helen!"

"You know why I had an affair? Because of how you are reacting right now! Because you have no control over yourself, your temper! You are the one who is disgusting! Look at you! As if screaming at the top of your lungs, and accusing me is attractive!" Note: narcs like to switch it so that your reactions to their immoral behavior are causing them to be liars, cheaters, abusers, bait-and-switchers -- this is also classic blame-shifting that narcs are famous for.

But Bob is onto this tactic and ignores her. He knows that he rarely has a temper, and he feels his temper is justified in this situation, so Helen's words go in one ear and out the other, as the saying goes.

When that isn't working, Helen's word salad switches to talking about how "Everyone has affairs. It's not a big deal. It's just sex. Affairs are as old as the human race."

But Bob doesn't listen to that either.

So she cries, and acts desperate, to appeal to his sympathy. He is taken in by that somewhat because he's an empath. They start counseling. But after several sessions where she seems, on the surface to be contrite, it is clear that Helen is using the sessions to talk about how inadequate Bob is as a sex partner, as a husband, as a father, and if he had just done certain things, she would have remained faithful.

So Bob works really hard for Helen. In fact, if she has a complaint, he resolves her complaint. The problem is, the more work he does for her, the more she complains about him, even to her own children -- typical. So, he wears himself out for her, while at the same time not trusting her entirely. Eventually, she starts going to an awful lot of meetings in the evening again, so he hires the private detective again.

One note here before continuing the story: couples therapy does not work in these situations. If anything, this is closer to a domestic abuse issue (betrayal trauma).

So to continue:

She gets caught again having sex with Rick Reinaldo.

This time the divorce is on.

She escalates by criticizing him even more than when they were in therapy, and starts to lob insults at him as well: ugly, slob, lazy. She tells him she never loved him anyway, that he was half the man Rick was, that he was like a sniveling little puppy dog with a tiny penis, that he could never satisfy her in a million years, that he was a "downright dweeb". Now the relationship has turned outright abusive. In fact, as the divorce is underway, she flaunts Rick in Bob's face, and even tries to bring Rick into the marital home to upset Bob. But Bob responds by calling the police and the police tell Rick that he is not to go into the house, or he will be arrested.

By this time, the whole neighborhood knows, and Helen explains in more word salad to the neighbors that Bob was having an affair for two years, and that she had had enough, and that Rick had helped her to see the light and protect her from Bob (who she explained to neighbors was torturing her in "that house"):

"In fact, he tortured me so much, that I tried to get Rick in the house to protect me from Bob's rages and beatings, but the police wouldn't let him be there. I understand why the police did that, but really! They need to have laws to protect the women and children in these situations!  We are so relieved about the divorce, and I can't wait another day until the papers are signed so that Bob leaves, gets out of the neighborhood and we can leave him behind! Rick will be such a great stepfather to the kids! Just look at how great he is with his own kids! Ever since that awful Sharon moved out, the swimming pool is finally clean; there aren't toys all over the yard; he's finally just able to focus on the kids and not on all of her problems and excuses about why she can't keep the place clean! My God, she was in that house for all of these years, and she has no job, and she had the messiest lawn of all of us! I hope we stay in the neighborhood to bring stability to our kid's lives. The kids need some nice grounding after what Bob did to them!" In the meantime Rick nods in agreement to all of these altered stories.

Yes, narcs are attracted to other cheaters, who can be other narcs or other cluster B personality disordered people.

All of the smear campaigns to make themselves look like victims and to socially isolate the real victim, Bob, is typical elementary 101 narc behavior. The word salad in this instance is used to make Bob appear as a perpetrator and make Helen and Rick appear as victims. This word salad can go on for years, and does. Sometimes narcs are so focused on punishing their exes, that they will keep trying to figure out a way to punish by proxy, and the endless smear campaign and isolating the ex from common friends becomes the easiest way to do it. From looking at forums, it is obvious that a lot of narcs even try to slander their exes with the exes parents! In fact, no one is off limits!

They have even been noted to target their own children for persuasion -- that their other parent is bad (in this case, Bob). This is called parental alienation syndrome, which, because of the damage it does, is illegal in a lot of states now ... if only there was a law for parents who try to punish and slander children who choose the non-narc parent in custody arrangements, perhaps name it child alienation syndrome. Anything that would disarm narcissists from doing vicious smear campaigns against their own children would greatly help to stem the tide of domestic abuse and domestic violence.

Having said that, most children end up wanting to live with the non-narc parent (in this case, Bob). That is because a normal parent offers stability, on-going love, and is someone a child can look up to. Ethics means more to children than "being a golden favored child" in the narc-world of "do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do."

You can almost count on narcs reacting vindictively to not being the center of attention in a family, especially an unmasked one (i.e. shown to be unethical and immoral). Word salad is their defense to keeping the false society-security mask in place. Without that mask, they cannot get narcissistic supply very easily.

If laws never change, and no one stands up to the narcs, they will continue to do more and more damage, and it becomes collateral: effecting inlaws who marry into the family, step children and grandchildren -- even if they appear to go off happy into the sunset with their Mr. Reinaldos at the outset. This is one reason why many therapists strongly urge their clients to go "no contact" because it does end up traumatizing and infecting your own children.

You can see that in just one to three word salad arguments, how damaging it can be to everyone in a family. The problem is word salad begins to be a run-away train with ever-more deflections, lies and re-framed stories. And it is not the only weapon used against members of their family. Gaslighting, erroneous blaming, smear campaigns, blame-shifting, discards and ostracism of children and other family members, injustice, constant threats and severe "punishments", scapegoating,  insults, financial abuse, being put into extremely unhealthy roles by the toxic parent, gang-bullying, triangulation, being accused of actions and types of mental processes that are actually projection, continual broken promises and favoritism are also part of the arsenal used in tandem with word salad. Some of this can turn into such "acceptable levels" within a family, that sibling abuse can arise too. How awful, right? Most members of narcissistic families are either dealing with more trauma than most people can ever imagine, or they are bullies themselves. It's easy to see why young children really are not capable of dealing with or defending themselves against all of these weapons that the narcissist uses on their own family members (which is why children from abusive homes end up with chronic PTSD).

The members who live on the outside of these types of families (whether they got there from being scapegoated, smeared, ostracized or volunteered to leave) are often the family members who endured the most abuse from this "weaponry", or who saw the most unethical behavior (i.e. the truth that the narcissist wants to hide). These members are usually the ones who have the most disabling PTSD symptoms too.

The problem with accepting or ignoring word salad arguments and the unethical behavior that often goes with these arguments is: what does it teach children? Does it teach children that if they, the children, constantly fib and use word salad it will be ignored too? This is how abuse passes from one generation to the next: no one is watching the foxes in the henhouse! -- the foxes being blatant abuse. I would put my money on it that 98 percent of abuse and bullying in the world starts in the childhood home, not in schools, not in work places, but with what children see and hear from their own parents, parents who are supposed to be setting limits, teaching morality, teaching justice, and most of all, teaching by example. Some research is being done now that supports my theory. When these kinds of parents blatantly fail at good parenting, they pass the abusive "tricks" and "weapons", like the word salad argument, on to the next generation. I am, in fact, seeing it with my own eyes.

Here is a video by popular life coach, Richard Grannon on "Covert Salad" 
(this has a lot of humor in it, unlike my post ...
any survivor will be able to identify and perhaps laugh at how ridiculous narc word salad can get):

10 Warning Signs of Word Salad -- from the Psychopath Free blog

How to End Circular Conversations  -- A Huffington Post article by Dianna Booher

10 Warning Signs of Word Salad -- from Sanctuary of the Abused website

The Narcissist is a Chameleon and an Empty Void -- a recommended post by Melanie Tonia Evans (not only discusses the narcissist's word salad arguments, but goes into why they practically shape-shift what they say to fit in with the company they keep)

A New York model’s marriage to a sociopath -- by Jen Waite, continued on a New York Post article, by Jane Ridley: My husband’s secret double life

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