Iced out of a holiday event? One good holiday cure when it comes to your narcissistic mother

original drawing/painting © 2017 Lise Winne

(Note: this post has to do with narcissistic mothers only. A similar one on narcissistic fathers will also be posted at some point).

As a lot of us survivors deal with a holiday of either "looks that could kill", insults, put-downs, from our narcissistic mothers or deadly silent treatments, smear campaigns and being cut out of family events (on purpose!), so I have a solution for your holiday blues that has worked for me.

I'll get to it momentarily, but first I have a couple of things to say about mothers who are either cruel, unloving or rejecting at holiday time.

I want to remind you that it is every parent's duty to love their child, not for the child to "make" themselves lovable to the parent, i.e. turn themselves inside-out to be "attractive or want-able enough for parental love".

If your parent doesn't love you for who you are, as you are, and all of your great qualities, it has to do with them, not you. It is hard to get our minds around that because we have been brainwashed to believe that we are so flawed that we can't be loved.

Your parent refusing to love you is along the same lines as prejudicy, bigotry, and witch hunts (vilifying). It is not commendable and it is irrational. Unfortunately it is what some of the more less evolved humans do: hate people they don't know or understand, or want to know or understand (they are often non-investigative and their reality is based on irrational belief systems). Narcissists are incapable of empathizing, and empathy is a key ingredient to love (that's the classic definition of a narcissist anyway: lack of empathy). Like bigots, narcissists judge instead, so their prejudicy can seem maniacal, even towards their own children.

Anyway, this prejudicy, this witch hunt to make you out to be the bad guy is mostly them trying to put the blame on someone for how they feel in their own lives. It may be that they feel overlooked the way they did in childhood (especially if they were a neglected child). It may be about feeling entitled to treat others in ways that they would not like to be treated. It may be about growing up witnessing bullying and abuse and wanting to do that too.

Basically unloving, rejecting, abusive parents are people who have very little tolerance for children who don't feel absolutely familiar to them -- and yes, that can include their own children. To them, a child can seem like someone from a different tribe, and in their paranoid minds, even from an enemy tribe. It's just a typical part of the narcissism: they like mirroring people, and people who mirror, and people who try to mirror, and people who adopt mirroring. Sometimes they want a mirror that does not show a speck of imperfection about them, one that says "You're right all of the time" or "You're beautiful all of the time" or "You win all of the time." They also tend to like people who think that their tribe is superior and worth belonging to even when it is just a pit of snakes for many of its members. They also think they are perfect, and any deviation from thinking that they aren't can be a great threat to them.

Think about it: isn't it incredibly BIZARRE that when so many narcissists feel criticized (operative word here is feel) that they go into an annihilating rage where they want to destroy you, their relationship with you, where you are suddenly and swiftly nothing to them?

The problem is: the more perfect that they want to be and the more destructive their temper tantrums are over it, the less perfect they seem to others. In fact, they seem like horrible mothers, and can even have the reputation of being evil.

Most of the time parental rejection has to do with what they grew up with and what seems most familiar to them. If they grew up with narcissistic parents who were neglectful, cruel, or dismissive, they may be neglectful, cruel and dismissive, or they may be attracted most to family members who act in those ways. If your parent grew up with addicted parents, they may be attracted to children who seem most like an addict. This is their choice, and you can't do anything about it because they like mirrors!!

Who wants to be their mirror? Us? Nooooooo!!!!

So, we just have to realize we are not "one of them" and be really proud of the fact that we are not "one of them."

Of all the narcissists that you know, do you envy any of them? I sure don't.

Most of the narcissists I have known in my life (and I have known too many unfortunately) are glib. They are not strong people, they do not fight for causes unless it directly benefits them or makes them look socially attractive or superior, they are seldom inventive, they are rarely honest or good sports, their lives seem empty, they work at occupations that I would never want, they grasp desperately at status and flattery even though most of them do not have status nor are worthy of half the flattery they demand. Most of the ones I have known do not like hard work either. They particularly do not like working at worthwhile relationships, preferring to move on in order to find a new source of narcissistic supply. In fact most don't like hard work all -- usually preferring to delegate.

And their relationships are the least enviable of all. Their relationships with their own children are terrible, even. Let's face it, children are NOT good sources of narcissistic supply because when they are small they are needy and they have an instinct to cry when they require something. When they are teenagers they usually want more autonomy, and this can include putting their peers first before their parents. For this reason, teens can be rebellious against their parents, an absolute nightmare for the parent who is counting on children to give them narcissistic supply. When children become adults, their main focus is on careers, and raising their own children and family. Almost no children idealize or idolize their parents, especially when they are past seven years old.

So why do narcissists endeavor to try to make their children into supply anyway? Why do they want it so badly that many will try to arm-twist their children into it, even when most children have no tolerance, liking or need to "praise Mom or else be punished". The arm-twisting to get narcissistic supply tells children right away they are bad parents. Many children leave arm-twisting parents in the dust.

So why do they do it when their best source for obtaining narcissistic supply is the criminal (and not kidding about that). A criminal will overlook all of their faults, play the sycophant, and flatter them to death, especially if your narcissistic parent has money.

And who envies that? Not me! I think we all know that narcissists attract these types and keep them around -- as if that will make their lives better.

If they don't have those kinds of people, they have scared co-dependents who rely on them for something whether that be money, intermittent approval, status, a job, lodging, or some other thing. The thing is, because the narcissist is so cruel, the co-dependent will usually have no trouble walking away when the money, approval, job, lodging, etc, dries up and is no longer available.

Who envies that kind of relationship? Not me!

In fact, these two extremes are usually ALL that narcissists are capable of in relationships. Can you imagine?

In fact, we are all attracted to what we know. What survivor of child abuse hasn't been through a string of love affairs or marriages with narcissists? Narcissists only make up one percent of the population, but somehow they know how to find us survivors, even though we don't want one more relationship with another narcissist for as long as we live, and tell the world that. But somehow, some way, these awful narcissists seem to find us anyway ... They are attracted to adults who were abused as children. They know how to detect someone with low self esteem, and they can sometimes even tell that we were expected to please an impossible-to-please narc parent.

Well, your parent attracts narcissists too, just like we survivors do, except they seem to want to keep them around. It's that being attracted to a mirror thing again. And it is probably liking being in a pack of predators too. A lot of narcissists who are flattery addicts end up with sociopathic narcissists even. The types of sociopaths who like narcissists may be step parents: someone who tries to figure out how to drive your narcissistic mother's children off with trumped up charges, someone who might try to seduce your narcissistic mother out of a committed marriage, someone who might plan a scheme to get total control of your mother, someone who senses there is money your narcissistic mother's coffers. Narcissists who are flattery addicts (most of them are) are vulnerable to sociopaths.

There is a much more rare breed of narcissist who spends their holidays with children who will bend over backwards for them, who will do anything for them, who the narc is turning into the ultra-servant. Sometimes the narc parent will keep out the children not willing to be servants. But usually, let's face it, if your parent prefers the company of empaths, they do NOT tend to leave anyone out: they are going to try to get the children and grandchildren in one big unit competing with one another as to who can bend over backwards for them the most. They want ALL of their children and grandchildren around, fighting it out.

... Not that being a servant is a bad thing, and taking care of a parent is commendable. But, most empathetic children are rejected and derided in narcissistic families. There is a breed of narcissist who makes it their preference to be surrounded by empaths instead of bullies. These would be your more extroverted and engulfing narcissists, either the life of the party, or the cult-leader type.

But suppose the golden child is the caregiving variety of co-dependent, super sensitive to all of your parent's every whim and ache, and you've been iced out because your life goal is not to be their full time caretaker or because your parent has rejected you too many times over nothing to feel secure in the parent-child relationship, or of making your parent a priority. Heck, I have known adult children who were rejected by a narc parent for a look on their face -- and that was ALL it was. Who needs that? Who even wants to bend over backwards for a parent who treats you like that?

So, your destiny may be to do something else, something grand. It's that making lemonade out of lemons thing -- and yes, I have been there, so I say it from experience, not just education. Sometimes scapegoats find that their purpose is to do something more than being a punching bag for a family, or trying to please a rejecting Princess and the Pea. If it wasn't for being "an outsider" of our family, we might never have become all we could be: invented something, or gone to school, or had a chance to travel, or moved to a place that was away from mom or dad, or been accepted into a more compatible family of choice. Sometimes their rejection is a blessing!

Who they will choose to spend the holidays with is not worth thinking about for all of these reasons and more. Do you look forward to a holiday where the jokes are all insecure veiled insults sometimes with threats or imperious judgments about other people? I sure don't!

Narcissists are either rejecting people, or they are engulfing people who can't let anyone alone. It's either ice or hot jungle, take your pick. There is no inbetween.

Most children of abusive narc parents have the ice variety, and if you have gotten this far in this post, I would bet that you are the kind of survivor who got iced out in some way by your narc parent.

There is something about being told you are a not-good-enough child. You tend, eventually, to think of your parent as not-good-enough either. Funny about that. It just tends to settle into that reciprocity and co-perspective, that fixed chasm, which I guess is just another mirror in the narcissist's world.

So, following is my cure for getting the narc parent out of our heads for the holidays:

What it is:

It is writing from hundreds of survivors and it is called "You Know You Have a Narcissistic Mother When --- ". Personally, some of it gets me laughing. Other posts are really sad and awful. Most of all it puts me in touch with a huge laundry list of what I'm not missing at all when it comes to spending holidays with narcs!  Believe me, if you don't want abuse in your life, you really, really want to miss out on many of the things abusive parent(s) or family do to ruin your holidays. Personally, when I go through this list, I get back to enjoying the hot cider, the beautiful tree, the Christmas songs and New Year's jamming with my musician friends.

These are all true stories. There were over 250 of them originally (not counting the even more copious amount of comments), so I picked the best of them. I put "when" in front of some of the entries to be consistent, cleaned up some of the grammar, and took names out.

If you have a narc parent, you can relate to most of it. So here we go!

You know you have a narcissistic mother when:

- When she accuses you of stealing her jewelry, and doesn't forgive you when she finds it later...in her bedroom!

- When you mention in conversation that you are going to shop for a new flat iron and she insists on going shopping with you to get it. When she sees it, it is the last one on the shelf, and she decides she has to have it instead and thinks nothing of buying it from right under your nose. Even smiles.

- When you talk about another person, any person, and she gets jealous, and looks like she wants to bite your head off.

- when she calls security like a dumb ass demanding to be in the labor room when you're birthing your child and screams "if it wasn't for me giving you life you wouldn't have this moment to treasure! So you owe me!"........
     comment: this is literally my nightmare. omg no
     comment: Mine was a nurse on the palliative care unit and wore her scrubs and ID badge onto maternity thinking she'd go unnoticed. When I needed an emergency c section only DH could go with me. But somehow she sneaked in even tho it was clearly stated to her. That bitch scooped up my daughter and held her before me and my husband could stop her. The last person I would want to hold my baby, let alone for the first time.
     comment: I hate to say it but what hideous bitches we all have as " moms" how any of us haven't seriously hurt them or ourselves is a miracle

     comment: Mine was FURIOUS she wasn't allowed to see the birth of my neice. We had to have the nurse kick her out.
     comment: I didn't want my nm there at all - of course she showed up -3rd husband she'd just married in tow and couldn't understand why I didn't want him in my labor and delivery room ... ?!?!
     comment: They think it's THEIR baby! They can't stand it that it's yours! Hate em

- When she gets angry that you don't call her on her birthday even though she's been giving you the silent treatment for months! lol
     comment: Ha! Ha! So funny!
     comment: We shouldn't laugh, but that is funny!
     comment: Lol omg true
     comment: So true! Has happened to me
     comment: My mom has been giving me the silent treatment for 7 months!! And I seriously felt guilty that I didn't call her this year and for all of the grandkids. I thought it was ALL MY fault. Wow! I never realized so many other people went through that too!! I'm learning so much!

- When you tell them how hurt you are by what they did, and they turn it around and tell you that you hurt them instead. It happens every time. Why can't they hear that you're hurt? Why is it always about them?
     comment: Gaslighting...classic! Hugs.
     comment: Yes, gaslighting, they do it every time! EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! We've all been through it.
     comment: Yes. After decades of dealing with it, followed by years of trying distance (physical/emotional) and civility, I gave up and went NC. It's exhausting. I am beyond sick of any gaslighting. zero tolerance.
     comment: Yes, been there done that too many times. All done now!
     comment: These parents have no love for their kids. Blame them over any silly things to hurt them
     comment: Crazy parents who have to gaslight their kids just so they don't have to face the fact they hurt their kids.
     comment: Age old abuse tactic. Don't tell them anything. The only thing I found that works with gaslighting is to either talk like a robot with no emotion or go NC. They either get off on hurting their kids or they deny they hurt their kids. Most of us are done with it.

- When she doesn't call for a couple of days after you watched your dad die and says she wasn't going to the funeral because she wasn't that close to him anyways even tho they've been married for 30 years
     comment: Sorry
     comment: just like my mother
     comment: I'm so sorry

- When she presses fake charges against you, the cops show up to get your side of the story and you, the cop, the judge, and your attorney laugh about it after court is over.

- When they steal the carbon monoxide detector out of your house just to put it on their garage shelf.
     comment: I mean who really steals carbon monoxide filters??? Narcissists, of course! lol

- When she reams you out for being a bad mom because your baby is crying and.clearly hungry when you know you just fed him, and discovers her corsage has scratched his cheek and doesn't apologize
     comment: It was her corsage and not her tiara?
     comment: bahahaha!

- Here's one. Because it's classic:

     

     comment: yup

     comment: Omg .are we related!! I am in stun shock. God i get it!

- When she tells you she isn't going to leave you anything in her will. Duh, I just wanted her to be a mother!
     comment: classic
     comment: yes, you'll find a lot of that here
     comment: they love this threat. next.
     comment: that's the only desperate threat they have because they know they are shit mothers
     comment: we all know this one.

- When your inbox is totally full and its all from messages from her. In only 1 day!! :)))
     comment: I really want to parrot the typical manipulative response to be funny, but I don't want to post a trigger for someone else... *Biting tongue*
     comment: *spewing coffee!* Too funny and too familiar!

- When she comes back at you with, "How could you do this to me!" Especially when you tell her you are not a virgin lol

- When your mother says "You're looking kinda chubby, here's some zit cream." -Indian give presents for major holidays and to embarrass you.

- When you've never liked or eaten coconut, like your whole life, and your mom makes you a German Chocolate cake for your birthday. Oh yea, just happens to be her favorite. "Oh no! I didn't know that you didn't like coconut!".... Oh really, after I told you dozens of times.
     comment: Yes, they do that!
     comment: SO RELATE!!! Both my mother AND MIL have done this to me!!!
     comment: This is what they do. It's always about getting a reaction.
     comment: This happened to me and I was allergic to the food she put in the cake. "Here child, and croak on it while you are at it."
     comment: Yea, they hate us so much that they want to poison us or give us food we hate, and all on our birthday! Bitches!
     comment: This is kind of like Munchhausen by Proxy except they are trying to poison us emotionally (get us upset). They should make up a word for it like Emotionally Abusive Munchhausen. Terrible.
     comment: they are known for giving us stuff we don't want. Who among us has gone shopping with our mothers and actually got what we wanted?
     comment: not me
     comment: not me either
     comment: god forbid we should be happy over something we actually want!

- When it takes more than two to five minutes to solve a conflict with them...
     comment: How about a lifetime! The conflicts never end, and of course she is never at fault; everyone else is even if she has to make up some bizarre story to prove it.
     comment: Yours get solved?? Haha

- When you buy her a bday, xmas, mother's day gift, and she ends up giving it back bc "she'll never use it." After too many give-backs I thought about giving her a care package of toilet paper, toothpaste, and deodorant. LOL!
     comment: I bought my mom and step-dad a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant. Had to save up for it. A year later she regifted them...to me. I'm single.

- When you ask her to tell you the story of your birth and she says, "you were born not breathing, I had a bad cramp in my leg, none of the doctors or nurses cared about my cramp because everyone was crowded around you to get you breathing."
     comment: Translation: you're a pain in my leg.

- When she cuts out my face in her photo album where I'm with my children and puts her narcissistic face into the holes where mine was cut out, and doesn't see why I'm Pissed!
     comment: my mother is always cutting out family members in her photos. Pretty soon she'll have no one left to cut out. Kinda like her life
     comment: these mothers can't deal with what they do to their family members so they cut them out thinking it will make their lives better. Then when some non-family member picks it up cuz its left on the coffee table she tells them that it's her kids photo album, but none of her kids are in it!! lol.
     comment: that whole "lie on the fly" maneuver didn't work out so well, did it? Ha!
     comment: it's good when they are caught at being looney tunes
     comment: cutting their children out of photos is so classic. They don't really want us to exist after all.

     comment: she probably does understand why you're pissed. That's a lot of why they do it. To get a reaction. Like "Pissed is good. Now maybe I'll try something else to get her goat." Evil little plans.

- When she gifts your siblings the things you wanted.

- When your grandfather dies and she knows your dad will be coming into an inheritance, so rather than consoling her family, disappears to Macy's for four hours and returns with a new wardrobe.

- When your mom calls you and says the only reason you are on birth control is so you can go have all the sex you want behind your husband's back without getting pregnant. She has this great fantasy going on in her head that I cheat. That's because she does.
     comment: projection!

- when she gets mad that you won't let her control your wedding plans, the where, the when, the who etc. You finally stand up for yourself and she says, "you really are a fucking bitch." And then she boycotts your wedding and tells ALL your family members not to come. Since they are all scared of her, they don't come.
Wedding day...there are 64 family and friend members on my husband's side and 8 friends, step dad, (who NM cheated on) and sister on my side. Awkward much?! Sigh.
     comment: Ugh, they do that ... and at graduations, funerals, going into surgery, any time the event is about you. It gets to the point where you scratch them off the list.
     comment: So sad!!!
     comment: I think we could count thousands of posts and comments here where NMs have ruined weddings. 

     comment: Do they ever NOT ruin weddings?
     comment: best thing to do: tell your inlaws that you have an abusive crazy family. Show them evidence. Then if your mother ruins the wedding or gets too drunk or makes a scene, then they won't be surprised. Sometimes inlaws are the most supportive family we'll ever have.

- when you reply to an Oprah casting call looking for mother-daughter conflict and the producer calls and says "your mother is crazy." (I declined to appear because quite frankly, I thought she might kill me...and she might have)

- When you get a full scholarship for one of the top colleges in the nation and her reaction is - " well it's not that big of a deal, you'll never be as good as your cousin." PS - my cousin goes to community college.

- When you spend copious amounts of your hard earned money to create a perfect Christmas and she gifts you Q Tips
     comment: Seriously?
     comment: yes, #true story

- When she screams for 45 minutes at you in the car on your way to your first highschool art exhibit, telling you that you are a bitch, that she hates that you were ever born, that you are a spawn of the devil and that she NEVER loved you, and then when you get there, she turns her rage off instantly and acts nice, like you are her star child. Whoa! I'm standing there dumbfounded and stunned with a PTSD episode from hell and she tells all these other mothers about how proud she is of me and I'm looking at her suspicious. She comes over to hug me and I stand there as stiff as a tree. When I can't seem to move she tells em all that I'm a little crazy and that I'll snap out of it eventually. That was years ago. I couldn't take any more. I now believe in NC from here until eternity.

     comment: gaslight.

     comment: yup, gaslighting.

- When, as a child, she gave you a toy, and you love it, really love it, and it goes missing mysteriously, and you are heartbroken. Then it shows up in a present she gives your cousin.

- When she tosses your bedroom in search of your diary and when confronted she replies "you know I'm nosey, you should have hidden it better" then proceeds to get angry at you for discussing the violation of privacy and breaks all of your belongings

- When after your dad dies she rearranges the entire house and removes all the photos of you and your children and only keeps up ones of her and the GC. The GC and her family who haven't been around in 20 years! And then when you finally get the courage to ask her about why pictures of you aren't on the wall, she smiles and says all the pictures of you are in her bedroom. They were/are not.

- When you break your leg and all of a sudden her arm hurts really bad and she needs to tell you that it hurts worse than your broken leg.
     comment: you describe their behaviour and it's so crazy people think you're insane.
     comment: If a person hasn't experienced narcissism they can't truly understand it. Which shouldn't be a surprise, even those who've experienced it are often at a loss to figure it out.
     comment: Only those close to me understand. I gave up trying to explain any of it to anyone else. I guess we have to understand why people would be perplexed about a mother caring about some somatic thing in her arm when their kid has a broken leg and is in the hospital.

- When your 81 year old mother doesn't know how to use her smart phone and "butt dials" you while ranting about you. And you answer and hear the whole thing loud and clear through your bluetooth. And you tell her she did it and she claims to NOT KNOW what you are talking about. #truestory#Jesustakethewheel

- When she tells you in the car with all your kids, "you're lucky I didn't believe in abortions when I was pregnant with you"
     comment: OMG.. Mine told in me in front of my friends one day, "Well you should have been aborted but I didn't do that" and for no apparent reason.

- When you broke your toe and couldn't walk and asked your mother or sister to get you a pain killer and they both say no and watch you drag your foot across the floor in agony to get yourself painkillers.

- When you are 7, wake up to a garage sale at your house and she's sold all your toys.
     comment: happened to me too
     comment: That happened to me at the age of 9 . Not only that but she emptied us kid's bank accounts -leaving us for her boyfriend

- when I raise my voice at my son and put him in time out, she rages and abuses me, and thinks she can provide him a better life. Are you fucking kidding me? It's enough that I had to live with that nightmare! Not my kid!!

- when she's an alcoholic who made your childhood miserable and when she at last joins AA, she decides YOU have to "make amends" to HER.
     comment: She is not really getting what AA is about, is she
     comment from poster: I know AA works for a lot of people, but she totally turned me off it. She never worked the program yet became a beloved speaker and sponsor. Such a fake. When she died, we dutifully held a memorial per her wishes at her AA club. We should have won Oscars for being able to keep a straight face as people told us how lucky we were to have had her as a mother. Good thing they had no idea what a liar she was.

     comment: omg. only a narc would fake the 12 steps.

- When she calls the cops on for you trespassing on your own property!
     comment: ahahaha! Best one I've seen all night!

- When you were a young girl who started her period and never knew anything about the situation so you put your underwear in the bin and she goes through the bin, takes your underwear out and throws it all at your 13 year old innocent self and calls you a filthy slut.
     comment: Ouch. We share a similar story. I was ashamed and felt dirty so hid mine under the bathroom cabinet as I was overwhelmed. Of course she found them, called in my dad and ripped me apart and humiliated me and I wanted to die. Made me sick for a long time. Hugs
     comment: I yelled from the bathroom " mom , it's time " and in storms her 2nd husband accusing me of being pregnant...WTF ?!     
     comment: welcome to a narc mother's view of reaching womanhood. 

- When my brother recently committed suicide and she comments that she is more depressed than he ever was and his suicide was like he was in a car accident! Yea, that didn't go well! We haven't talked since the week before Thanksgiving.

- When she gives you the silent treatment for 10 years but wants you back because your sibling isn't so golden lately.
     comment: typical

- When you catch her at a lie and she says you need to see a psychiatrist

- When you take her to lunch and the waiter takes our picture together. Then she yells that I made her look old & fat & that I'm a terrible photographer. Even though I didn't take the picture since I'm in the picture too!
     comment: Bahaha!! So dumb. Our mothers are literally toddlers

- When, as an adult, she locks one of your shoes in her room so you can't leave.
     comment: That's actually against the law -- called false imprisonment. I learned the hard way.
     comment: good to know!

- when you say you "I love you" and she says "I know"!
     comment: Mine would say "mmm hmm"

- When your 14 year old self told her you wanted to be a dancer and she laughed in your face and said you loved food too much

- When she blames you because she left her moon roof open on her car, on a night it rains, and you get beat for it. I was in first grade.

- when what she said and did was so abusive and so fucked up I can't even tell people why I have no contact. "Her? Such a great lady!" as if I'm lying! And then they look at me like I did something to her. Now I make up lesser reasons or make it about myself."
     comment: we have all been through this. NMs wear a mask. they have a "bitch switch" that they turn on and off in an instant. they laugh at what they get away with. It's good we have this group.

- When you're 8 years old and alone in a house with a 2 year old and an infant, changing and washing cloth diapers, mixing bottles, making meals, cleaning. Then your toddler brother wakes you up because he had an accident and is terrified Mom will find out and needs your help to hide it. So you change his pj's and sheets and do the laundry and you're only 8 years old.

     

- When you're her only girl child and she says to the neighbor, right in front of you, "I like boys better."

- When she throws away your IVY league college acceptance letters and lies to you about what happened to them, just so you can't move away from them and go to college.

- When she puts bills in your name and doesn't pay them

- When they tell you to run off and kill your self

- when they tell you that they want your life to be a story that pays them money.

- when she bad mouths you to your son even when she's on her death bed and he believes her and berates you throughout her funeral, bad mouths his sisters, and walks away with almost her entire estate. C'est la vie.

- When they tell your grandmother that you are a prostitute. I've been a licensed medical doctor for over 13 years!
     comment: the shite they tell is laughable.
     comment: Like they haven't known us our whole lives! WTH is that all about?!

- When you realize that you act more mature than your mother... and your only 10 years old

- When you've had every counselling going since the age of 17 ..humanistic. .cognitive. ..psychodynamic. ..and at the age of 43...you read a book called ' I'm not crazy it's my mother' ..and suddenly then everything makes sense!!!

- When she says she doesn't understand why you hate her so much and exclaims, it's not like she was a bad mother to you growing up because she wasn't addicted to drugs or prostituting herself. Wow, the bar you set for yourself, dear mother, is so high! Not being a drunk or a slut must make you a great mother! Barf!

- When your mom takes all of your pain medication for herself after you have a medically necessary surgery at 12 years old and you get to recover with no pain relief at all

- When she tells you to divorce your hard working husband so you can qualify for public assistance like her! Of course, now she wonders why we are no contact, lol

- Wow. This thread is so incredibly eye-opening. I had no idea NMs could all be so terrifyingly similar. Heartbreaking and enlightening.

- When you're happily engaged to be married and she passes out your phone number to the loser men at the drive-thru at the liquor store
     comment: What an asshole! I'm dying laughing though! Dude, she couldn't even go for drive thru banking? She must want you to be with an alcoholic!
     comment by poster: yes, just like her. And to live in her southern cracker town
     comment: Omg omg please say they called!! Heya is you thurr? Wonderin if you wanted to split this *hick* discount jug of wine, I'm fixin *hick* to get off werk. Whatcher say, thar *hick* missy?
     comment: OMG I'm feeling lucky that my NM hates people enough not to give out my number to strangers!

- when she came to look after me after I had a horrible miscarriage and decided that while she was there she would have a facelift so I could take care of her! I kid you not!

- When your mom stages a fake car burglary with her new boyfriend. You're only 16. He was hiding in the backseat with a ski mask on and wrapped his arms around me from behind as we drove down the road in the middle of the night. They kept up the act for at least a few minutes of terrifying hell until they started laughing hysterically. Ya, real funny mom...
     comment: That is SO fucked up. I'm sorry!!!
     comment: That's sickening.

- When she puts her dog first and her grandchildren second
     comment: That's because they can train a dog to worship them lol
     comment: Exactly as if they are Almighty God.

- When she spends several hours diddling with her VCR, comes to you, her SG, and asks for help to get the tape out that is stuck. You discover the reason she couldn't get a tape out of the VCR is because there isn't one in there (LOL). You do your best to remain serious as she is quite upset about the machine eating a tape ... and explain there is no tape in the machine. She then insists that you must have stolen the tape when she wasn't looking. It's okay to roll your eyes and laugh now 😂

- When you cancel dinner plans with her and her friend because you're six months pregnant and have just finished a 10 hour work day and need sleep, so she doesn't speak to you for 10 years

     comment: Man that is a blessing!
     comment from poster: took me a while to realise it, but yes
     comment: Wish my mother did that. When you'd rather have a mother not talk to you than beat you ... I get it.
     comment from poster: I think because I was pregnant it gave me the strength not to beg her forgiveness as I always had done, I knew I didn't want my daughter caught up in her drama and nastiness so I stood my ground. It's not over though, she upped her game and her behaviour is psycho but at least now I know not to respond and that you can't reason with a crazy person.
     comment: Amen to that!

- When your husband dies and she calls all her friends over to support her through the terrible time and then yells at you for being too catatonic to entertain her friends while they're there supporting her. But it's my husband!

     comment: omg, that's awful
     comment: horrible
     comment: I'm so sorry

- My heart breaks for those of you whose NMs have told y'all they wish they had aborted you. I can't even imagine how that must feel or how hard that is to heal from. 
I don't think my mom ever wanted children. I think she just had us (or me anyway) because that's what she figured she was supposed to do, because that's what was expected. Push out some kids, make sure they stay alive and and voila! You're the best fucking parent ever! You did it. Congrats, NM. You're the fucking star of all of our posts. Asshole(s).
     comment: Mine got drunk (somewhat regularly) and admitted to me that if abortion had been legal in 1962...
     comment: How about she has 5 children and tells people that she hates kids. Lol. Or that she never wanted children. She would say it whilst in public even

- When your NM falls and breaks her wrist and shatters her leg to the knee cap ... She lays outside on the ground for seven hours in December snow, cold develops two huge clots in her lungs and she has a heart attack and barely survives. You take off a semester to practically live with her at the hospital for five months as she recuperates. Then the Golden Child Sister shows up for 4 days. From Another state. You find out that your Golden Child Sister is bragging to everybody that if your mother dies she gets everything in the estate. Sure enough a will surfaces while NM is fighting for her life and GC gets it all. When NM has lawyers draw up a new will the GC stomps off and goes back to her state mad. It's the wacky world of narcissists.

- When NM says she's never had a problem with either of my siblings. But the truth is that she punched one when he was trying to leave her then she had him sent to juvy and the other one she ended up trying to stab. Then she tried to kill herself. Why do NMs say things like they never had a problem with your siblings when they did all of this? Hard to understand.
     comment: they don't know what reality is because they lie so much, and they also can't figure out what they lie about, and what the details of their lies were. They al;so can't figure out which lies they told to which people. Who knows why they want to live that way.

- When your younger sister confides in your brother that she had been sexually abused by her father and NM calls the school and gets my sister on the phone and tells her she needs to apologize to her father for making up those lies.
     comment: This is one of those sad things that narcissists do, and all of them it seems. I have never heard of one that tried to stop sexual abuse -- maybe because they want their kids abused, sad to say.

- When you tell NM that you are being bullied by your brother and the only response you get is how much they did for you, and even contributed to your college (140 dollars - lol!), and that you're so ungrateful.

     comment: They like that ungrateful praise and will use it over the tiniest things. We need to be grateful for being smacked around, ignored, abused, because it's better than nothing - their narcissistic logic.

- when she gives you the silent treatment for ten years because you got married and had children. Then at a family event she comes up to you and wants to pretend that you and she and your kids are the biggest happiest family and have always had a great relationship. When you wince, and hate that she's even touching your kids, and you tell her to go away, because she's giving you the major creeps. What does she do? She looks at you and your kids like she wants to kill you and them. No remorse, no apology, no realization that ten years doesn't make her part of my family, just wants to strangle you for not going along with her attempt to pretend she hasn't rejected you for ten years.
     comment: it's all about the image!
     comment: image is EVERYTHING to them
     comment: strangers are who they live for and family is nothing to these people. They literally love anything superficial. 

- when my uncle tried to sexually abuse me when I was younger but I put up a fight. I had nightmares about it and opened up to my mother 2 years later. She told my sister what I told her and they were both laughing at me saying I was lying. I then found out a few weeks ago that my uncle was actually a convicted sex offender and she knew all about it. When I confronted her and asked her why she deliberately left me alone with a sex offender she got defensive and abused me and said how DARE I accuse her brother of being a pedophile, I then proceeded to tell her that he was a convicted sex offender and I knew everything that's why he was jailed for so long. I gave her dates of his convictions and she still tried to call me a liar, and how DARE I MAKE THINGS UP ABOUT HER BROTHER. I'm lead to believe that she intentionally left me alone with him and knew what he was like. He even raped his own sister.

- When your beloved younger sibling dies suddenly when you are 18, but you're not allowed to grieve just yet, because you're a singer and she insists on you singing at the service in front of several hundred people.
     
- When she threatens to tell the cops you touched your father when he nearly choked you to death. Two against one...wasn't gonna win that one

- When your sister and mother gang up on you and kick you to the floor whilst holding your hair and then call the cops and side up with each other so you get taken away in a dimmy van and never allowed back to your home.
     comment: I swear to god we have the same mother

- When she never, once, said she loved you. When she never once helped with homework but beat you if your grades were bad. When she never, once got up in the morning to fix you breakfast or to see you off to school. When she never had a conversation with you that wasn't used against you in some damning or embarrassing way.

- Here's one: So I used to be an army wife of 24 years. My husband was infantry. His 9th deployment in total this one, Iraq 04 05. His first Purple Heart, his humvee blown up, he received wounds to the left side of his body; arm, face, neck, jaw line, hand, wrist etc. He was in a coma for a little while. Two of the soldiers were killed as well..
Because, there was so much fighting going on in Iraq and there were so many casualties of u.s. armed soldiers, President George Bush and his wife flew to check on the families. Actually came to check on me but my own mother does not call for 30 days. We were interviewed by the BBC and CNN because of this. She still doesn't call. The planet acknowledges us, the news acknowledges us, the president and his wife fly Air Force One to our installation to check on us, because of the severity and the amount of casualties that our families were going through AND my own mother doesn't even f-cking call..
Around a month later, I called my mother she answers the phone, she asked me how I am... I told her what happened.... she says "Oh your sister told me that about a month ago, is he okay?". My response was "Someone tried to murder my husband, you didn't call! He was in a coma, you didn't call! I was almost a widow with 4 kids and you didn't call! The F-cking President came to see us and you couldn't F-cking call??? Wow you finally showed me your truest true colors! Am I starting to realize that you don't love me??" and I hung up on her. She didn't call back for years....

from Lessons Taught By Life: