The Reason You Can't Make Up With Narcissists Has to Do With What Psychologists Refer to As "Splitting" (for both sides)

For a reference and a long explanation as to what splitting is, you can go to my own article on it  HERE. 

For a short explanation it is black and white thinking, "all or nothing" pronouncements, Jekyll and Hyde behavior, looking at people as all good or all bad and nothing in-between those two extremes, and "I have to have my own way or I want nothing to do with you at all" types of behavior. 

It is a very obvious trait for Borderlines, Narcissists and people with Antisocial Personality Disorder.  

It does not breed success in relationships, but with the exception of Borderlines, it is a "fixed" trait that you cannot change by complaining, reasoning, facts, asking them to stop it, expecting them to grow out of it, expecting them to "wake up some day", and all of the other ways that involve change. 

For this post, I wanted to discuss an article about "splitting" on political matters, particularly when it comes to fixed perspectives that seem threatening, but almost all relationships with narcissists have this dynamic going on. You can merely "disagree" on a statement, or perspective, and the narcissist casts you out as a "them", an alien, no longer an "us", no longer belonging to the family, or marriage, or friendship circle. 

Being on the receiving end of a narcissist's splitting is usually heartbreaking and shocking for most people, and a depressing set of circumstances once you realize that the splitting will never change. For narcissists, it's a preferred way of life for them, a preferred mental state where they protect themselves from giving up the on-going agenda of getting evermore domination, power, control and manipulating in every relationship that they are in.

To a lesser degree, it is also their way of protecting themselves from criticism too: unlike the rest of us, they rage and very often hurt us and punish us for perceived criticisms, or having the experiences, perspectives and feelings that they don't want us to have, whether the punishments are about insulting us, or discarding us in favor of looking for a new relationship where they can control the other person more easily, or beating us up, or committing crimes against us. 

Being in the orbit of narcissists means most of us will most likely be splitting too, at least when it comes to them, especially when the narcissist goes into a rage, decides to punish us, when they refuse to listen to us or resolve an issue where both people will be satisfied with the outcome. This comes from Dr. Ramani Durvasula. 

How much you "split" depends on a lot of factors, whether the events that led up to the narcissist's rage or punishment were traumatic for you, whether you were or have been already traumatized, whether you are dealing with physical illnesses or injuries, whether the narcissist clearly wants to or has said that they want to hurt you, your own resilience versus your vulnerabilities. Even when we aren't in the middle of a crisis, narcissists can and do manufacture one, and use it to grab more power and traumatize us. They've studied us long enough to know what will hurt us, and if they are trying to get more power at that time, there's no doubt you will be splitting then too, i.e. perceiving them as "all bad." 

I'd bet anything if a person really, really hurt you (with abuse as part of the picture) and you had traumatic reactions to the pain they caused you (lack of sleep, hypervigilance, stomach issues and/or headaches, muscle aches, lots of grief or pain), and no resolution which takes into account your feelings at all, and where the narcissist is consistently unempathetic and chronically trying to get their own way, it would be very rare for you not to split. You will likely see them as "all bad".

The big difference between us and them is that we go through considerable pain before reaching that conclusion whereas they can do it over the most minor of disagreements, or about a fact in dispute, or because they are momentarily not feeling grandiose, or they may even have a mistaken belief about our intentions towards them. A lot of them are suspicious and paranoid, particularly malignant narcissists. It's why they have a desperate need to control others, judge others and dominate.

But the end result is the same. So we can say we understand them if we've gotten to the point where we find ourselves not able to listen to them any more, no longer able to enjoy their company, no longer feel warm and fuzzy towards them, and feel our lives would be better if they weren't in it (kind of like a discard, only for us it is after our patience has been completely broken). Again, the big difference is that they discard us because they are finding that controlling us "isn't working, isn't enough for their standards" ("never good enough" being one of the major plagues of their disorder). It's a lot different than the way we experience discarding, usually after years and years of patience, trying to resolve un-resolvable issues, feeling sick and traumatized around them, and so on.

We are putting a lot of effort into the relationship, and often caving in to things we really shouldn't be caving into, but that is what all narcissists require. Our efforts, of course, would be deeply appreciated if we weren't doing this with a narcissist. It doesn't take the narcissist much time to get to the point where  they believe a relationship isn't worth their energy or consideration. 

When both narcissist and target reach the conclusion that the relationship cannot be saved, where there is too much stonewalling, contempt, ongoing defensiveness and where the decisions of both parties is that the other is "all bad", it is what Gottman discovered to be one of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, where the narcissist shows the contempt first (i.e. "splits" and sees you as "all bad") , which in turn sets up a chain reaction of a mutual "splitting", thereby turning away from each other and ending the relationship. 

Narcissists usually end relationships first: they "split", devalue the person they now view as "all bad", and then they "discard" the person from their life. For malignant narcissists it is "discard and destroy". 

What you go through instead is trauma, then you go through the five stages of grief, and finally acceptance. Once you reach the "acceptance stage" which can take 7 months to several years, you will most likely not be willing to go through it all again, so the relationship ends. 

Some narcissists try to keep this from happening, so they attempt to come back at some point before you get to the acceptance stage of grief where they try to talk you into going back to them, or how they've changed. If you've gone through the acceptance stage, I bet you can't get talked into anything by them, or even have the same capacity to hear anything they have to say the way you used to. If you see them, you get triggered instead (i.e. feel pain or anxiety, wherein you want to get away, or for them to leave you alone). 

I can even attest to the fact that I view all of the narcissists I've had in my life as "all bad" too, even "exceptionally evil", and I ranked very, very high on a part of the Five Factor Model test on Openness to New Experiences, Perspectives and Ideas (meaning I'm a lot less likely to be splitting than most people, and I do like to give people a lot of chances: whether to calm down, get their emotions under control,  be at peace enough to look at other perspectives, to get out of a defensive mindset, to sit down and talk things out - and by the way, this is not possible for most narcissists, and in contrast, they usually rank very low on Openness to New Experiences, Perspectives and Ideas unless they are entirely their own). 

The narcissists in my life hurt me so much, were extraordinarily punishing over the most inconsequential matters and resistances, and also lacked reason, empathy, ethics and any trace of fair-mindedness, and believed in assumptions as reality/truth. They were all misogynistic, even the female narcissists went against girls and younger women with a ruthless war-like mentality, slashing away at any sign of a young female's self esteem. All but one commit crimes. And I do not want any of them in my life at all. As the saying goes, "I've had it." 

I think for any of us, we "have had it" when, again, our patience has been tested to the limits, or when we are going through pain from another life event - an accident, or surgery, or chronic condition, or life-and-death event when we are most likely to see their lack of empathy and realize that it is much worse than we ever imagined ... and for Malignant Narcissists, they make it abundantly clear that they get off on our pain at such times.  

Before we get to the "had enough" stage, ranking so high on "Openness to New Experiences, Perspectives and Ideas" also means that we are able to listen with a much more open mind, and unfortunately, give way too many chances to people that most others would have been intolerant of and dropped long before we did. This is to say that it took some extraordinary events in my life to finally say "no more" to all of the tactics and head games they played. 

And I also found that I wasn't interested in hearing what people without empathy or ethics have to say.

In my own life, I take some pride in the fact that my attitude of "I've had it!" only applied to people with heavy narcissistic or sociopathic traits, the people among us who only seem to have some human qualities (and the worst ones). Granted, I understand that they have a personality disorder, and can't exactly grow empathy or a personality of their own because it was destroyed in childhood or abandoned by them in childhood. They may not have a choice in splitting either. But they do have choices about whether to gaslight or not, whether to go into a rage or not when they feel they are being  criticized or overlooked, whether they criticize others to the extent that they break others' self esteem, and they have a choice as to how they treat women. They also have a choice of whether to give ultimatums, about whether to use others to bully someone else, whether to scare people, and whether to hurt other people as egregiously as so many of them do, especially people who are going through tragedies (so diabolical of them, and even 100 times more so if they do all of this to a child).

I personally can no longer tolerate their lack of ethics and empathy, or deal with their head games and arrogance, especially with what I've lived through, and if no one else can either, their well-being is up to a therapist, not me.

I actually enjoy the fact that I've been able to spend most of my time with empaths in the many years since. The rest of the human race is not like narcissists and sociopaths, and what a difference it makes. I even enjoy other people's  different perspectives, something that they could never do themselves, or tolerate from me. I'm usually eager to hear what people have to say. It feels as though you get to see whole other ways of living, or worlds, beyond your own. Not that I feel I have to adopt theirs as my own, just as the Milky Way does not have to become part of, or mirror, Andromeda. But it's comforting to me that we are not all the same, or think in the same ways, that we all have expertise in diverse areas of work and study, that we don't have to be our own doctor, or our own teacher, or our own compass, or our own police force, and that there are even so many different species inhabiting the same planet who offer even more diversity in the way of thought and perspectives.

"Openness to New Experiences, Perspectives and Ideas" seems like a good mental state, and to some degree, I think it helps when attempting to live through, and heal from, the trauma that narcissists and sociopaths invariably inflict upon us. It would be hard to "move on" without overwhelming intellectual curiosities, enjoying new experiences and new people, and having a creative approach to life.

Anyway, here is the excerpt of the article:

I’m a Couples Therapist. We Can Address Our Political Divide. - by Orna Guralnik for The New York Times
excerpt of the article:
     ... As children, early in our psychological development, we all resort to a defense mechanism identified by the psychoanalyst Melanie Klein as “splitting.” To cope with negative or inexplicable experiences, we divide our perceptions of people into either all-good or all-bad.
     This splitting allows us to avoid dealing with feelings of vulnerability, shame, hate, ambivalence or anxiety by externalizing (or dumping) unwanted emotions onto others. We then feel free to categorize these others as entirely negative, while seeing ourselves as good.
     In political environments, this kind of splitting manifests in an “us versus them” mentality — where “our” side is virtuous and correct, and “their” side is wrong and flawed — which produces the kind of rigid, extreme, ideological warring we are caught up in now.
     The technologies that mediate our access to reality only exacerbate this dynamic. The algorithms used by social media prioritize sensationalist and divisive content, creating “bubbles” that limit our exposure to diverse perspectives, rather than fostering a balanced discourse.
     It’s important for us to recognize just how gratifying this process can be, both for individuals and larger groups. Splitting produces a kind of ecstatic righteousness. There’s an intoxicating thrill in hate — in feeling that you’re in the bosom of a like-minded brotherhood, free from complexity and uncertainty. In this state we’re prone to ignore information that contradicts our idealized version of ourselves; we become allergic to dissonance; and those with differing views are cast out or canceled.
     To protect this brittle and distorted version of reality, we resort to extreme defensiveness. We frame opposing arguments as a threat to our identity and values. In psychoanalytic terms we call this the paranoid-schizoid position. We all tend to drop into this state of mind when we’re under extreme threat. In certain circumstances, it can allow for powerful acts of courage, but it’s also a state in which nuance and complexity are intolerable, and it’s too easy to see difference as danger.
     What I find most striking when talking to people in my practice is how intensely afraid they are of what they describe as “the other side.” Much as Louisa and Isaac sometimes felt they no longer knew each other even after decades of marriage, many of us have become frightening strangers to each other across the political divide.
     So how do we make our way back from this paranoid-schizoid state? It can seem difficult to imagine — but I know that empathy, compromise and brutally honest self-awareness are the beginnings of reconciliation.
     In Kleinian psychoanalysis, the “depressive position” is the phase that comes after the paranoid-schizoid position, when one emerges into a more integrated and mature state. In the depressive position, individuals begin to see themselves and others as complex and multifaceted, capable of both positive and negative qualities.
     To make this shift, you have to grapple with feelings of guilt and responsibility as you become aware that your aggressive feelings can hurt others — and that these feelings can also coexist with love and respect for the same person. The depressive position represents emotional maturity, within which one can reconcile ambivalence, manage feelings of loss, take responsibility and repair harm in relationships.
     When I work with couples on coming back from great mistrust and animosity, the initial phase requires encouraging each of them to take a good second look at their partner — approaching the other with friendly eyes to gather new and honest information. I embolden them to seek an attitude of true curiosity: How did their partner come to feel the way they did? What motivated them? What matters to them? This entails a shift in rhetoric, away from a stance of suspicion, ridicule and derision toward friendly curiosity. Interest in difference is a place of potential growth and repair. ...

I would argue that emerging "into a more integrated and mature state" has to come with Openness to New Experiences, Perspectives and Ideas, at least a little. 

As I've said before, this is not a transition that narcissists will make. They get to the paranoid-schizoid state and stay there. 

You might think, "How can that be? Some of them seem to have regrets. Some of them come back and say that they will change." 

They may say that, but they really don't change (another link). And the reason they don't is that their version of splitting doesn't change. It is cemented into how they relate to other people. They won't and don't listen to you right away after a difference of opinion, or an argument, or just because you're an adult and want to make autonomous decisions about your own life without their input. It happens way before most people will stop listening to other people. It can easily be said that it is an extreme form of confirmation bias where even the most unsubstantiated and ridiculous beliefs and prejudices are revered by them. 

Anyone who has ever been hoovered by a narcissist knows that even if they say they are going to change, they go back to splitting and not hearing your perspectives, and often it happens instantly, in seconds, and stays stuck there for months, years and decades.

Most people who have been in close personal relationships with narcissists, also know that narcissists go back to raging, or violence, or discarding if they feel criticized, no matter how sorry they appeared to be, and in a worse way than they were before. We know that the ambitions for power, control and dominance are still there for the narcissist, and probably more so since they failed at it so miserably the last time you were in their life. Believe me, they want that again from you, and it's a pipe dream on their part. They are also extremely jealous, envious people, and unless you burn out your bright light just for them, they are going to hurt you over and over again. It has to do with "what you have" that they feel they are lacking, or wanting, whether that is beauty, money, talent, attention, popularity, youth, a job, or you have family members or best friends who they believe are better than their family members or best friends, or just something they perceive as hierarchically superior to them.  

And because they split so easily they will feel that you are "all superior" and that they are "all inferior" at such times, which at the very least will make them extremely angry and you anxious. 

When narcissists feel inferior they most often triangulate, spread smear campaigns about you, rage, call you crazy or other names, or play the victim so that your time is spent giving attention to them and empathizing with them instead of spending your time on something that makes your light shine brighter. Narcissists really don't like hoovering or showing any signs of pretend-empathy or regret unless they feel they absolutely have to, for the sake of their reputations, or because they've driven everyone away, or for Malignant Narcissists, because they want to make sure they get back at you by hurting you so that you will remain inferior, a loser, to them in their eyes (as if whether you are hurt or not is a sign of inferiority - but to them it is ... just look at how they treat the disabled, the poor, children, women who they perceive to have no power). 

By the way, hoovering means trying to get you back to either reinstate you as narcissistic supply, or to get you back into the role they have assigned you, or to abuse you some more, or to enact a revenge by softening you up via manipulative flattering words. Hoovering is about trying to reinstate a toxic relationship with you and not respecting your boundaries, or the separation between you, your rights to say no, or ignoring your rights to make your own decisions about your own life. There is a creepiness to it, especially if they've trashed your self esteem and are suddenly acting as though it never happened and that you are the love of their life - common. 

Often when their hoovering attempts don't work, they become enraged again, so there are some entitlement aspects to hoovering. 

Some narcissists resort to stalking when hoovering doesn't work for them. 

Hoovering is also highly unethical as it most often comes with lies and fake promises, and can be dangerous. 

Hoovering is also unhealthy for you as it can stir up feelings of fear (again), feeling oppressed or spied on (again), feeling a sense of doom (again), feeling frightened and hypervigilant (again), and getting symptoms of traumatization. 

Most of all, hoovering is a sign of splitting. Let's say they called you a "senseless waste of a human being", "a b*tch", "insane and stupid", and they leave you for another woman. Then one day they show up at your door with flowers and tell you that you "are the love of my life", "the sweetheart of all sweethearts", that you must go back to them "because I had the great epiphany that I can't live without you, that it changed me to my core. You don't have to worry about me ever cheating again, babe". That's a sign of splitting, but it's also the sign of hoovering. 

If they were very nice to you until you "dared to criticize" them, whereby they abandoned you because of the criticism, that's splitting too. If they have the attitude that they have rights to do anything they want but that you don't have the same rights, that's also a sign of splitting. If they come back after months of being away after your separation, that's splitting with hoovering. 

Can you ever trust a hoover? I wouldn't - speaking about myself in my own life. And I'll leave it at that. 

Hoovering and splitting can also be a sign that they are insecure. Let us say that they dumped you and you found someone new. It eats them alive, and then they want to get back at you to see if you are still open to a relationship with them. If they find that they have the power and persuasive abilities to get you back even if you are in another relationship, it's all they really need to know, and they often abandon you again once they have the information they sought. Again, their own power and persuasion tactics are more important to a narcissist than being in a mutual relationship. It's like putting a check mark on a chalk board next to their conquests' names (for instance, checks on Melissa, Janet, Sue and Karen in terms of women who will take them back if they want to go back, or feel they need something from any of them). Again, even this is splitting with hoovering.

THE ARTICLE TALKS ABOUT A DEPRESSION PERIOD.
DO NARCISSISTS GO THROUGH THIS PERIOD TOO?

It's not very likely because of why they are in relationships in the first place: for dominance, power and control of another person. 

Instead of depression, they tend to become very paranoid instead. They can't live with the fact that they are not in control of you, and cannot believe it either. "Why was this person so easy to control before, but they aren't now?" - the answer is because the controlled person was leaning towards peace in their everyday life and was walking on eggshells to achieve that peace. Most everyone does it at one point or another with narcissists.

Also, for narcissists, the paranoia is also about their inward self, that they don't have "the magic to control and dominate" enough, or "the magic to persuade" enough, like they thought they did, or even "the deviousness to control and have people believe in the false narratives of what happened." Sometimes they are happy when the people closest to them say, "Oh, I believe you!", but again, beliefs are flimsy and often built on magical thinking, not reality, not facts, not proven, not vetted, not seen from all sides, often not within reason even, and resemble what the population has about politicians, or religious leaders, or cult leaders.

In terms of believing a politician will save our jobs, or incomes, or statuses, we often feel let down, right? When they talk about how great everything is under their leadership, we feel left out, and some of us vote for the other guy from the other party over it. The same goes for looking to religious leaders to perform miracles. Or cult leaders showing empathy they do not really have. 

Narcissists undergo the same "disappointments" where they know that people look at their "leadership", or advice, or persuasions, or their bullies, as just another ruse of self serving nonsense. 

While the average human being gets depressed and draws inward, and ruminates for a long time about what led up to the event of the paranoid/schizoid state, and how they are going to relate to the person they disagree with going forward, the narcissist gets paranoid and seeks immediate narcissistic supply from someone else instead. Obviously this doesn't help matters, however it is not obvious to them. And when they gather yes-men who have been fooled into a certain narrative, or go further and get their bullies to attack you, it makes matters unresolvable. It's more of an impulsive and thoughtless defensive reaction on the narcissist's part.

But in that impulsive state they are trying to protect themselves from being wrong by staying in that aggressive and paranoid-schizoid state. And you'll notice that the aggression escalates as they try to prove to their partner over, and over again that they are right and that their partner is wrong, and is so wrong that they deserve to be shamed and/or abused a lot. The hurling of constant insults is even abuse, but it tends to go beyond that. 

The other part of this is that narcissists aren't "invested" in relationships the way the rest of us tend to be. They are attached to us in very, very superficial ways, and since power, control and domination are all that they seek in relationships, breakups are superficial happenings because they weren't able to dominate you or tell you what to do as much as they thought they were going to be able to. You'll notice that when you talk to narcissists, they'll either be playing the victim and spouting on and on about how crazy you are, or they will describe the break-up in an off-handed, non-traumatic, "I don't care" way, even if it is their spouse or their child or their best friend. 

As I've said in this post, narcissists can feel disappointed that their relationships don't work out, but not as much as that their relationships didn't feel "good enough" to keep. 

That's an attachment style that most of us cannot relate to at all, but it is important to know that for narcissists it is par for the course. It means, for the most part, that if you want to be in a relationship with a narcissist, you won't be allowed by them to disagree, or at least outwardly disagree with them. But it's also a fact of life that at some point during our lives, we will disagree with them about something. 

Sometimes that disagreement is a life-and-death issue that they won't take seriously. The narcissist then produces an ultimatum where you have to agree to their point of view, no ifs, ands, or buts, or otherwise endure a shaming session and a discard from them instead. You can't afford to put your life in danger, so you accept the end of the relationship. 

While life-and-death issues aren't always the reason, it can be because you were ill and they abandoned you - typical. It can be because they got angry and told you that you were worthless to them, but then acted like it never happened - also common.  It can be because of one of their enablers is a sadist, or because you are their adult child and aren't willing to divorce a spouse or get rid of a boyfriend at their command, or let your child live with them, or any number of reasons where you finally hit a wall and cannot "give into them" any more. 

And let's face it, relationships with narcissists are always about giving into them. There isn't much else to it.  

But more importantly, it often means that relationships with narcissists break apart because they are at the paranoid-schizoid level, and never get to the mature level. 

And it is apparent that the issues don't necessarily have to do with divisions over politics either. You can break up with narcissists over just about anything, even the most confusing, confounding reasons, particularly ones not imbedded in reality. 

It seems nuts that a parent would forbid a child to get married, when for most families they accept that it is part of having a human life (pairing), or for spouses to break up over who does the laundry, but again, for narcissists, they are willing to break up over these kinds of issues and differences regularly. Again, it's because they view their own opinions and thoughts as superior, and that because of that, their attachments to others are superficial. As Dr. Les Carter says, narcissists don't invest in relationships, they manage relationships. I would say "they see themselves as a manager" of other people at all times, whether it is wanted or not. Or maybe that's too nice. Maybe they take a dump on others, metaphorically speaking, since they are so negative about others, especially behind their backs. 

Their type of "managing others" is also what is referred to as utilitarian love. The idea is that falling in love with a person is like falling in love with a toaster oven that works until it seems broken. And they give a person as much consideration as a toaster oven too. They do not go deep. Their love does not include depths of compassion, wanting to understand and learn, exploration, admiration for individuality, admiration for talent and beauty, admiration for the intelligence of others, none of that "openness to new experiences, perspectives and ideas" that make long lasting relationships.  

Once the narcissist splits off from you and sees your perspectives as "all bad", everything else about you becomes "all bad" for them too. It resembles someone only looking at your black and blue fingernail and deciding that the rest of you is all black and blue too - i.e. it is fantasy-making. 

Only submission and agreeing with their perspectives, no matter how fantastical and child-like they are, is seen as acceptable behavior to them. It's another reason why hoovering can be dangerous. Narcissists who want you back usually only want you back in the role they assigned you - and in one way or another dealing with their manipulations again. They know that you are not going to agree with them on absolutely everything, and for most of them, that's the pre-requisite for being in a relationship with you in the first place. It's what they mean when they say, "Loyalty is the most important thing to me" (but they require that the loyalty only be in others; it's not a quality they want in themselves at all). 

Since they know you disagreed with them, it's suspicious when they want you back.

So for the hoover, there will be consequences for not having the loyalty to agree to everything they say they want or need you to be. 

If you do not agree with the pre-requisites of being submissive and agreeing, grandiose narcissists will tend to say you are crazy and stupid and they will have the stance that you never mattered to them much anyway. 

     Covert vulnerable narcissists are likely to want you to pity them, to feel endlessly sorry for them, and they play the victim and even take the reason for the break up and twist it around into a lie. Let's just say the narcissist is a male and he is pressuring his wife to do all of the laundry in the household, that it's a "woman's job." She feels they both work, and both bring in the same amount of income and contribution. He goes ballistic on her, rips up her clothes that are in the laundry bin, pushes her when she tries to save her clothes, shoves her into a concrete wall when she tries again whereby she has a concussion and is taken to the hospital, and she leaves him after she is discharged and files for divorce. The typical covert narcissistic response is: "We broke up over laundry! Can you believe it? I'd never expect a woman to do all of the laundry all of the time, but she wouldn't lift a finger and left our relationship over it! Can you believe it? What other poor sucker is she going to reel in to do her laundry?" - very common, very projection-oriented, and also a sign that suddenly looking at a person as "all unreasonable about laundry" and creating a version where they are "all bad" comes with plenty of lies, omissions, and for paranoid narcissists, fantasies. 

     For malignant narcissists, they will be seeking ways to hurt you for not being as submissive as they want, or submissive enough. If they beat you up and if they are your marriage partner, they'll often try to convince everyone they know that you were having an affair (when you weren't - they want their audiences to see their violent actions as a crime of passion; i.e. as reasonable justification over jealousy, to not take the wounds they inflict seriously). 

     If they are your parent, and they are committing crimes such as theft against you, they'll try to convince others that you are so crazy and that you lose things constantly (again, the lie covers up their criminality against their own child). 

BUT AREN'T BORDERLINES THE ONES WHO "SPLIT"?

Splitting has been attributed to Borderlines as a stand-out trait. But it is something that can be treated in them. Borderlines do have empathy, and self reflection, and that is where they differ from narcissists. 

The lashing out also tends to be impulsively driven, but also just as impulsively regretted afterwards. 

As with narcissists, they tend to grow up in abusive abandoning families too, but their empathy, abilities to self reflect, and potential, weren't destroyed in childhood like narcissists tend to be. 

And many tend to have a reactive form of PTSD too, especially when it comes to abandonment where their emotions fly from one reaction to another, the "I hate you; please don't leave me" kind of responses that Borderlines are noted for. In reality, the response has been attributed by some clinicians as a really rapid PTSD trigger flipping from one trauma response to another (fight, flight, freeze, fawn and avoid). The trauma responses are often so overwhelming that they don't know what they feel in the end, as they flip in and out of one impulsive traumatic response after another, and then finally freeze when they know they have been abandoned for good.  

So Borderlines can find themselves wanting to get out of the paranoid-schizoid state, of at least knocking harder on that door to let them enter "the mature state" (if they are not active addicts, that is - many of them tend to be, as it is part of "the impulsivity part" of Borderline Personality Disorder). 

Narcissists plainly can't get there, nor are they interested in a more "mature space". It's the lack of empathy that keeps them from entering "the mature space", but it also has to do with the fact that they feel safer, stronger, more self-managed, more in control of others and the emotional climate in a room if they can stay stuck in their accusatory aggressive patterns. 

Borderlines tend to be creative visionaries, and I'd argue that they are too creative for maintaining ongoing accusatory aggressive stances (like they have more openness to new perspectives, ideas and experiences than narcissists have). 

Borderlines also don't have the illusion that they self-manage very well. In fact, most of them agree that their lives are a mess. 

In contrast, narcissists have the delusion that they self-manage exceptionally well, and that all of the people around them don't or can't. And narcissists tend to think that way even when their lives are full of broken relationships, broken commitments, broken promises, feeling like no one and nothing is good enough for them, unremitted raging, the kind of aggressions that most people would regret. Their lives are often also filled with regretful affairs, firings, lies, pretending, shallow narcissistic pastimes like gambling, getting drunk, endless trash-talking about other people, going on endless trips to get away from something or someone, going to prostitutes daily or weekly, and taunting, goading and bullying others. They would never see their lives as a mess, and if there are some messes in their lives, they attribute those messes to others, always.

If they rape a woman, it's always deemed to be the woman's fault, or they will deny having raped her in the first place. - those kinds of messes. 

And, of course, if they can't convince the woman that she needs to say "I brought this upon myself" (which they actually entertain because they believe that they are *that special and charismatic* or teflon-like), or press her to say that it "never happened", she is deemed to be "all bad, all nasty, the most 'ugly horseface I've ever met', would never want to rape her let alone look at her, unbelievably stupid and will face consequences for having accused me of such aggressive, criminal acts." - i.e. the immature, never-accountable, side of them comes out. 

Borderlines are less able to go to these kinds of extremes in splitting, accusing victims, or even trying to make their victims the guilty party. In other words, if they don't have morals, or empathy, or if they spend lots of time blaming victims for everything, they are not Borderlines. They are probably Narcissists, or Sociopaths or Psychopaths. It's a good distinction to make (and yes, some Narcissists can be mis-diagnosed as Borderlines, and vice versa). 

FURTHER READING
AND VIDEOS

Why Narcissists Can Forget Their Own Bad Behavior Using "splitting" to expel bad behavior from their memory. - by Erin Leonard Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Splitting (psychology) - from Wikipedia

Narcissistic Behaviour Post-Separation: Understanding Splitting in Psychoanalytic Theory - by Sarah Squires for Get Court Ready, Improving Outcomes for Children in Family Court

Splitting - from the administrators of Mindset Therapy 

Narcissists and Splitting - by Dr. Ramani Durvasula (clinical psychologist), You Tube video
Note: interesting comments on this video too

When A Narcissist Shifts From Promising To Devastating - by Dr. Les Carter for Surviving Narcissism (You Tube)

A Narcissist's Outside Angel, Inside Devil - by Les Carter for Surviving Narcissism (You Tube)
Note: interesting comments on this video too. 

Splitting and Narcissism - Google AI from a number of articles written on the subject

splitting and a narcissistic discard - Google AI from a number of articles written on the subject

When narcissists "devalue" and "discard" (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships) - by Dr. Ramani Durvasula (clinical psychologist), You Tube video

Splitting in the narcissist relationship | Idealization and devaluation with the narcissist - by Mindset Therapy, PLLC (You Tube)

"SPLITTING" IN BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER : WHAT IT DOES TO US IN CHILDHOOD - by Dr. Kim Sage, Licensed Psychologist (You Tube)

Another reason making up with narcissists doesn't work: An Angry Narcissist's Non-Negotiable Stonewalling - by psychologist, Les Carter, for Surviving Narcissism (You Tube)

FOUND ON FACEBOOK

From "I Am a Queen" (poster from the Phillipines on Facebook)
I included it because there may be some truth to it?
 
Do narcissists plan to destroy their relationship from the beginning ?

The truth is that the narcissist never wanted a future with you. From day one, they saw you as something that was temporary. You were disposable.

When a person is in a relationship and they're thinking about their future with that person. They're going to take the necessary steps to ensure that everything turns out ok. It's like preparing for a storm. They're going to do everything they can to prevent destruction. To prevent anything from going wrong. But the narcissist never took any steps to protect your future with them. And although you could argue that there are storms in every relationship.

They never took any steps to make things right. When you look back at your relationship, you will see that the narcissist is the storm. They caused destruction in your life. They broke you down. They turned you into nothing but a shell of what you used to be. They destroyed you mentally and emotionally. They destroyed you financially. If they were considering a future with you, they would never have done any of that.

If they have a purpose for you in the future, they're going to treat you with dignity and respect. They're going to protect you from danger or harm. They're not going to abuse you. But that's exactly what these narcissists do. They abuse you to the point where there's no going back.

Where you're not going to serve any purpose for them in the future. Because those are their true intentions. They want to break you down. So that you're not going to be good for anyone after they're gone. They know that the relationship is going to end. They know that at some point you're going to leave them and move on to something else. Every narcissist knows this. They know that they're not meant to be loved. They know that you would not willingly desire to remain around them.

Two Types of Golden Children (The Favorite Child): Part I: The Empathetic Golden Child and a Discussion on the Handmaid and other Child Roles

This is part of a series
The Golden Empath Child part I (you are here)
and
The Bully Golden Child part II  

The golden child refers to the "favorite child" of a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A golden child can also emerge in alcoholic families, but for this post, I will be talking about the golden child in the narcissistic family (a family headed by a narcissistic caregiver/parent). 

Golden children come about because of roles that are assigned to children at a very early age, including the scapegoat child, the family mascot, the lost child and, of course, the golden child. These roles have everything to do with how much abuse is given out to each child (the scapegoat getting the most abuse and the golden child getting the least amount of abuse), how much each child is valued (the scapegoat is the least valued, and in fact may be devalued, and the golden child is the most valued), who gets blamed for when things go wrong in the household (the scapegoat is used for blame, and the golden child is deemed to be blameless). 

It all depends on hierarchy and status. Narcissists do not love the way the rest of us love. Narcissists see people in terms of usefulness to them and their agendas. Love is withdrawn easily depending on what you are willing to do and not do for them, and on what you are willing to put up with (including being abused or seeing others abused) as to whether you are valued, loved, in good standing, rated as useful and accepted. Where you find a narcissistic family, you often find estrangements from children (this can multigenerational as well as policy throughout the extended family).

Some of why roles are assigned by narcissistic parents is explained in these posts I have written:
- Favoritism in the Family
- Narcissists and Children
- Why Abusers, and In Particular, Narcissists, Demand You Play a Role ... Why Abusive Relationships are More About Role-playing Than a Real Relationship, Plus Looking at Prejudiced Perspectives
- the way they love: Love Bombing

Who gets what role can be anything from sex of the child, to hair color, and to what and how much a child can do for his or her narcissistic parent. Sometimes it can be a number of things. One thing that seems to be prevalent is who is most like the narcissist, who mirrors the narcissist most in terms of personality, likes and dislikes, looks, disposition and values. A lot of narcissists tend to favor the child who seems to be most like them, and disfavor (and scapegoat) the child who seems less like them.

In a lot abusive situations we find that there is a cycle of behavior which defines relationships that narcissists have (usually with partners): idealize, devalue, discard. Some psychologists prefer to label this as "love bomb, devalue, destroy" instead. Either way, the narcissist starts out idealizing you, and either gets bored or realizes you are "just a human", then they start to devalue you, and once they have devalued you, either discard you or abuse you (verbally, emotionally, psychologically and/or physically). 

The difference between partners and children is that the idealization usually goes to the golden child (often for life), and the devaluing and discarding goes to the scapegoat (often for life too). 

However, roles can change just as people change. Roles can also change depending on how serviceable you are to them.

The way you can tell if you've been devalued is when they say things like:
"You were never good at ----"
"You were never good enough for me."
"You really are stupid, aren't you?"
"You really are crazy, aren't you?"
"I hate your guts."
"You're no good."
"Who would ever want to be with someone like you?"
"You aren't worth my time!"
"You're nothing to me."
"You're a waste."
"You're useless."
Or they will try to prove all of these things by plainly abandoning you. But before they abandon you, they usually verbally abuse you first, and perhaps even call you names. 

In general, there is a lot of hate-talk and who they value most in the family, who is doing better than whom, what such-and-such a family member is willing to do to keep them happy, who to talk to and who not to talk to, how they are going to spend a lot more time with x family member and less time with you, how if you really loved them you would act like such-and-such a family member, how boys are all good and girls are a pain, and in general the "drama" phrase and the "useless" phrase are used a lot ... It is triangulation and prejudice (narcissists like comparing people a whole lot, even when it comes to themselves; i.e. most often comparing themselves to others in such a way that is boastful and better than how someone else is). 

So, since the narcissist tends to like mirrors, wouldn't it be fitting that the golden child would be a bully?

Not necessarily. There may not be a child who is like the narcissistic parent (the child is more empathetic than they are). So then what do they do?

They often choose the child who is most utilitarian for them: 
- Who is willing to babysit?
- Who is willing to cook and clean to the perfection standards of the narcissist?
- Which child is willing to co-parent with the narcissist?
- Who is trying to seek validation and praise from the narcissist? (i.e. who is the best bet for co-dependency and trauma bonding?)
- Who cares a great deal about the opinions of the narcissist?
- Who hangs on to every word the narcissist speaks?
- Who seems super sensitive to what the narcissist can do to them (trauma bonded, therefor stick with them through thick or thin so they won't be hurt or abandoned)?
- Who is willing to fight over the narcissist in order to be "the favorite" and "the chosen"?
- Who is willing to take commands without comment or backlash?
- Who is acting most dutiful?
- How much power and control can the narcissist have over a particular child? (this has the most to do with who is chosen because narcissists are all about being concerned with how much power, control and dominance they have over other human beings, and also with what their reputation is outside the family). 

The child who acts "most responsible", "most concerned with what the parent wants", who seems to sublimate the most, will be chosen as the golden child if a "clone" did not materialize in the birth room. 

This child can be an empath. This child can also be put in the role of handmaid for the narcissistic parent, and even the entire family. It is an age-inappropriate role where the child is expected to parent the narcissist, do chores consistently, and sometimes for all of the children too, and it can last well into adulthood as well as for a lifetime. 

The handmaid may be idealized, but only because they "do, do, do" for the parent, and not because of who they are, what their strengths are, or even for what their potentials are. If they stop the role, they can often be abused, threatened, discarded, get the silent treatment because the parent comes to expect the role, rather than it being voluntary. 

Sometimes a parent wants a sensitive empath for the role too because having a bully in the role may put the parent out of control. Some narcissists are aware enough to know that a bully is not only going to bully for the parent exclusively (ensuring that all the siblings stay in role; i.e. policing and tattling on siblings), but for themselves too. And it is easy for them to go from bullying for the parent to bullying for themselves. 

However, there are more bully golden children than empath golden children, more than half. Still the under-half is a pretty good representation of how many empaths are chosen for the role.

The other reason that sometimes an empath is chosen for the golden child role over a bully is because empaths are more susceptible to guilt trips, obligation lectures, "you should care" lectures, and victimization stories by the narcissist. They will want to take care of the narcissist. They will want to soothe. They will want to help them. They will feel guilty if they don't take care of the narcissist. 

Empaths are also more susceptible to being jerked around via the cycle of abuse (honeymoon, tension, explosion, reconciliation, back to honeymoon) because of their empathetic natures. They fall for the sob stories, the fake apologies, the not-really-mean-it overtures to do better next time, whereas a bully will only fall for it if there are rewards, power, money and control involved, or if they feel their reputation is at stake. 

Empaths are also more susceptible to being put in a handmaid role. The parent might say: "I need help and you need to help me with this", "Your baby brother is crying and he needs you to comfort him and I don't have the time", "You always need to think of others first and not for yourself," and so on.

The empathetic child is groomed to be ever more empathetic to the point where his (or her) thoughts are always on how the parent thinks and feels, and on how others in the family are thinking and feeling too. In fact, the point is to bring out evermore empathy in the handmaid.

Handmaids become so sensitized to how people in the family are responding, who needs what, often to the detriment of caring for themselves. Sometimes they are expected to be a martyr, and that is where the narcissistic parent may get some push-back.

The push-back can mean that this golden child gets knocked off the pedestal and scapegoated in the end. If the golden child has become too much of a martyr, they can manifest PTSD symptoms which make them less dutiful (they become triggered by commands; also one of the symptoms of PTSD is an inability to focus, so making mistakes is very likely - and one thing narcissists can't tolerate is mistakes!). 

Rejection becomes a huge blow to a child who always assumed they were valued. They find out they are only valued for being useful, and in the role. Now that they can't be in role, they are thrown away like trash.

Following are the four types of golden children that I have noticed in my years of contact with many survivors of child abuse and narcissism: the handmaid golden child, the "star" empath golden child, the empath clone child, and the empath golden child in an exclusive relationship with their parent. 

As stated before, the bully golden child is discussed in another post HERE. 

THE HANDMAID EMPATH GOLDEN CHILD

The handmaid golden child can alter between being a golden child and a lost child, depending on whether some other sibling outshines him or her (a sibling who has become famous, or won awards, or has become a whiz doctor, or who becomes an astronaut, a sibling that makes the parent "look good" may replace the handmaid in terms of value and attention eventually, thus becoming more of a lost child). 

The handmaid child is slightly more prevalent in alcoholic families than in narcissistic families, but the role can happen in both. In alcoholic families, the parents are too inebriated to take on all of the adult responsibilities of caretaking the children, and the chores around the house, so the handmaid child does them instead. 

This is the child in an alcoholic family who makes mixed drinks for the parent, opens their beer cans, is always at the ready to "fetch" things for the parent (a pair of glasses, a pen and paper, the phone, diapers for the baby, the remote for the television, the laptop computer from the other room, a straw to stir their parent's drink, some chips and salsa, and so on). These children also often make dinner for the parents. And they are continually relegated to chores: rake the lawn, dig a hole for the new tree, go get the eggs from the chickens, do the laundry, make sure your younger siblings have their raincoats on, soothe your mother who is having a meltdown and has had too much to drink, don't forget to make sure your mother goes to bed early so that she gets up in time to drive you to the doctors, and so on. 

They are often relegated as babysitters too, to their younger siblings, to make meals for their siblings, to change their siblings dirty diapers, to fetch toys and pacifiers for their sibling, to put their sibling in a high chair, to put their sibling to bed, to make sure their sibling has brushed their teeth, to make sure their sibling doesn't cross the road and get hit by a car (and take the brunt of blame if something goes wrong), "help your sibling(s) with their homework" - often every evening, "make sure your sibling has a clean set of clothes for the morning", etc. 

This is called parentification of a minor. I hope to be covering this topic soon and giving you a link where the bold type exists, but for now, read on: 

The handmaid role can also turn into the "fix everything" role too: fix the car, fix the mower, fix the dishwasher, get the viruses out of the computer, help the parent figure out why the refrigerator might not be working, see if there is a hole in the roof and see which roofer has the best recommendations, fix the reason why your parent has gone off the deep edge emotionally, fix the rage your parent is in, make sure you pass your driver's license so that you can do some chores like grocery shopping, etc.

Anyway, parentification can happen in a narcissistic family too, especially if the narcissist grew up with alcoholic parents who were inconsistent in their loving and in their caregiving, were authoritarian in their make-up, hypocritical (expected things from their children they would never expect from themselves), and were arrogant and/or selfish. When they mature and have a child of their own, they may feel that it is perfectly acceptable to have a handmaid child themselves (they have normalized it and now feel entitled to have a child in that role too). 

The new child might not be expected to make mixed drinks, but that's about it.

The problem with this role being expected (or else!) is that it will stunt the child's development. A child's real job is in growing up, in learning, in exploring activities, to figure out what their talents and specialties are that they can offer to their own future spouse and children (and/or to the world). When they are their parent's crutch and expected to be the parent's lifelong caregiver, fetcher, and fixer of every household issue, sibling need, and every family member's emotional melt-down, there will usually be some pushback at some point from the handmaid child. Their empathy is taken advantage of and exploited rather than truly appreciated. It also ceases to be a learning experience by the time they repeat the chores so many times. It can also cease when they become a teenager. 

Some handmaid golden children stay in this role for the rest of their lives, however. They live with the feeling that this is the only way they will be loved, get through life in one piece and accepted by their parents and family, and are terrified of losing their parents and family members since they have put them at the center of their world by attending to their every need.

Since narcissists tend to have a scapegoat child, and constantly threaten the scapegoat with ostracizing, they also notice how expendable a child can be. Very often it is a "either get bullied by the family or have no support from your family at all" kind of outcome. The terror that they will be ostracized too if they go out of role can overwhelm any other desires they might have: their desires for their own life, their own mate, their own house, and their own children.

Some of them live in with their parent, or nearby, and keep doing chores, fixing things, often expected to give their parent money, and become the primary caretaker and crutch to the parent for the rest of their lives. Taking care of their parent's every want and every need becomes the all-encompassing job. Some of them sacrifice having children, getting married, sometimes having a career (beyond the kind of career their parent wants them to have, that is). Everything they do becomes a parental or family decision too, i.e. the decision-making is taken out of the hands of the handmaid at every point of their lives, even when they are middle aged. They learn to only go places and do things that the parent will approve and not find threatening (or anything that is out of role).

But more often it is not a life long role, despite how many guilt trips and shaming the parent does when the child steps out of role. The reason is simple biology: becoming more autonomous as a teenager. Also teenagers begin to see their parents as mere mortals instead of in an idealized way (some even become somewhat disgusted or embarrassed by their parents), and they begin to re-focus their attention on the opposite sex, peer relationships, and on how they might want to make a living. Some people refer to this stage as "teenage rebellion", but it has more to do with the biology of becoming an adult (the beginnings of making their own decisions, and feeling like they don't need the validation of their parents nearly as much as they used to). 

This is all pretty normal behavior, but narcissists often cannot handle it, especially if they have come to count on their handmaid child making their, the parent's lives, better and easier. 

So, your question might be: shouldn't a child be helping with household chores and learning how to have empathy for siblings and a parent? Of course. But there are ways parents can do this so they aren't hindering and harming. 

The best way to do this is not to put any one child in a role. 

You put up a list of chores in a room like the kitchen. Children alternate on evening dishes, helping to cook, helping to sweep, doing outside work, etc. There are ways to make it fun and a productive learning experience. The more you can join in, the more the child likes it. The more you can model behavior that you want to see in your child, the better off you will be in terms of your child's participation. Children are very good hypocrisy detectives and if you want respect, you have to model the behavior you want to see in your child. Always. 

That is the short explanation. This post isn't about this, but you can find articles on the web about how to motivate your child to do dishes, do outside chores, to partake in cooking, to partake in family projects, in being empathetic towards other family members ... 

Next up is what happens when the handmaid child role is continually expected through the years: 

teenage years:

I have already discussed how the child with the handmaid role can start to go out of role as he or she becomes a teenager. 

Where it becomes toxic is if this role is expected to continue in the way it did before, or even get better. Narcissists don't necessarily know what is age-appropriate, and they assume all of the service is for them, not for the sake of evolving into an adult. That assumption is where the parent can get into a power struggle with the teenager. 

So, let us say the parent heats the house with wood. They count on the two oldest children, a boy and a girl, to keep split wood in the house at all times. Anyway, the girl teenager is staying after school for rehearsal of a school play, and when she is done, it is late, so she messages her parent that she won't be home until bedtime. The other teenager, the boy, has lot of homework, including an important test to study for. He decides to go next door to study with a friend.

The parent, a father, comes home late from work, and perhaps the bar afterwards, and notices that the woodstove hasn't been loaded and that there is no wood stacked in the bin inside the house. When the boy comes home, the father goes ballistic on the son for his failure to take the woodstove situation seriously. 

"What's the matter with you? Are you stupid?! You know that you're supposed to load the stove and make sure there is wood in the house!" - now this is disrespectful, and no one, not even a teenager, wants to be treated this way. 

The son talks about homework, tests, the pressures of school, what the teacher expects, and it goes right over the father's head. The father talks about responsibility, being aware of what needs to be done, "thinking about others rather than just yourself!", that "you know where you can take your attitude!", and "That's no excuse! You could have studied at any time!", and so on. 

The teenage boy is looking at the father as being unable to listen, unable to be concerned, unable to be empathetic and sympathetic, and the father is thinking the same about his son. 

Then the father physically pushes his teenager out the door and demands: "You get some wood for the house now! Right now, if you know what is good for you!" - so we have a threat from the father, and an insistence that he get his way. The teenager feels humiliated, disrespected and his manhood is being challenged. He is not a boy any more.

In order not to be humiliated in this way, he takes off for another neighbor's house and then wanders back home when his siblings are getting ready for bed. 

The father meets him at the door. "Oh, so you think you are going to just come in this door, do you? You think you are some big shot who can just dis-obey my orders!! Well, just for that, you are going to sleep in the barn tonight! It's going to be a very cold night, down to freezing, so you are going to need all of these blankets to keep warm!" he shouts shoving the blankets at his son. "Of course, I could let you freeze!"

"Damn it, Dad! I'll just go back to the neighbors and tell them that you want me to sleep outdoors for doing homework and studying for a test!"

"No, you won't! If you do that, the consequences are much worse! Take these blankets and make the barn your bedroom until you can behave yourself and apologize to me for what you have done!" The door slams in the teenager's face.

So now the father is threatening, and there are pretty tough consequences, and the teenager is being punished (which is humiliating and resentment-making for a teenager because many teenagers are starting to look at themselves as adults - they aren't full adults yet, but it matters to them in terms of being treated with the kind of respect you give an adult ... and it is necessary for the parent to meet them half-way if the relationship is going to have any semblance of mutual respect in the future).

The parent is also taking out his revenge on the child for failing to follow commands, and a failure to keep in the handmaid role, a role that he usually fulfills. Parental revenge makes no sense at all if you are still trying to teach your children, as the child may normalize revenge himself (and perhaps use it on the parent who started the revenge cycle). Disrespect makes no sense either in terms of modeling behavior you want to see in your child. Your teenager will look at "revenge" and "disrespect" as a normal way to work out relationship problems instead.

Sometimes teenagers capitulate under the pressure of punishments, retaliations, disrespect and dire consequences, but they also tend to resent their parents, and lose respect for them too. Teenage resentment will not necessarily ever go away unless there is an obvious enlightenment in the parent.

The way the father communicated with the son in this example, therefor, is age-inappropriate. But, by and large, this is how many narcissistic parents behave: the abuse and consequences escalate, the retaliations escalate too, the power struggle deepens and starts to divide father and son. The father thinks he will win this power struggle (because he has deemed himself to have way more power than a dependent son) and the son thinks he will win by making plans to renounce his father (devaluing and discarding), and relinquishing the role altogether.

Many teenagers, however, won't capitulate under pressure from an authoritarian parent no matter what. They won't because part of growing up is gaining more autonomy from your parent, including making your own decisions about how you will spend your time and your life. While the parent is pressuring the child to remain a child (infantilizing), the child is pressuring the parent to stop looking at them as a child. 

Some handmaids admit defeat in the face of a power struggle, and they can be afraid thereafter of getting out of role again, so they stay in this child role, being ordered around like a slave, sometimes relinquishing part of their adulthood just to please the parent, and because they are terrified of their parent, terrified of the awful consequences, terrified of the lack of support they will receive from an autonomous decision, and terrified of leaving. This is what trauma bonding looks like. 

The contrast to this story would be: "I understand that you were studying for a test, and that it was important for you, and it is important for me too that you pass this test, but I'm worried about the woodstove too and keeping the house warm. Could you load some of the bin or get a fire going with what is left in the bin before going next door? If not, I'll have to figure out something else. Or maybe we can figure this out together." And believe it or not, the high majority of teenagers will bring the wood in and stoke the stove. They actually like being regarded as mature and responsible. 

For more help on how to handle chores during teenage years, this can be researched on-line too. 

Anyway, I hope this illustrates how narcissistic parents try to keep a child in a handmaid role in teenage years. The parent views this type of golden child as only so good as to how much he can fulfill the role of being told what to do, of being empathetic towards his parent's concerns (while they show little empathy towards him), how much he can follow orders, how much perfection and thoughtfulness he exhibits while following the orders, and how many more orders he can take on to keep the household humming along. 

Many children equate their value and ability to be loved only by how useful and empathetic they are to the parents and anyone else who needs a duty or a problem solved. Narcissistic love tends to be "utilitarian love", a term coined from Dr. Ramani Durvasula. And you know it when narcissists put you in the handmaid role and rage and call you "useless", "worthless" and "a waste" when you can't or won't fulfill their commands - it is proof of it.   

twenties and thirties:

I notice a huge chorus of golden children in groups and forums complain they are still entrapped with their parent, kept from doing anything but being a handmaid, who are still living at home, and that they are envious of scapegoats. 

Envious of scapegoats!? The ones who are thrown away like so much garbage and often have to fend for themselves at such a young age, and who sometimes also become a suicide statistic because of the ruthlessness of the discard?

The answer is that neither of these situations are good. They are extremes. The scapegoat is expected to become a full autonomous adult with no family safety net at least by age 18 (and they often start by getting discarded by age 16: sleeping out in a cold barn, or given the silent treatment for long period of time, told they are worthless and that the parent doesn't want to see or hear them, relegated to a basement room with a hotplate, having to do all school activities alone, not having their parent at graduation, and so on). The handmaid golden child, in contrast, is expected to be a child until they are well into their thirties at the very least ("hopefully longer" - the parent might think, trying to manipulate an outcome to make it happen). 

In the case of these handmaid golden children, every tactic is used to keep the child entrapped:
- "There are dangerous predatory people out there in the world. You are safer with us." 
- "You don't need to go out on a date. You have everything you need at home."
- "You don't need to be successful outside the home. We already consider you successful just the way you are!" 
- "I'm sorry you thought we came in the middle between you and (your fiancé), but he was never good enough for you! You need a good (fill in the blank) man instead!" Although no man ever will ever be good enough, of course, because a handmaid is suppose to stay home forever. 
- Dressing them in frumpy styles so that no one will be attracted to them to take their handmaid away, or elope (God forbid!) -  these kinds of parents are known for still making decisions on what clothes their handmaid will wear, down to their shoes and coat, and I have heard stories that the parent lays the clothes out on the bed of their adult child too, as though they were still in grammar school!
- Constant lectures about why their parent knows best and why you should have the same values that they have.
- Often handmaids are expected to work the family business too, or some business that the parent has started just for their adult child, which the parent will run (because Mommy or Daddy deems themselves to know best at how to run a business!) and this keeps them even more entrapped.

All of this is very manipulative and cult-like in that there is constant indoctrination and control of their every movement. 

Again, some of them are terrified about leaving, so they will complain in a forum, but stay because of the repercussions of getting their own apartment, or their own job, or their own mate. 

Many of these situations have a heavy emotional incest component to them too, which makes golden children feel guilt-ridden if they so much as want to have an autonomous thought, or action.

And of course, if the golden child steps back instead of stepping ever-more forward into the role, the parent freaks out. If lectures and arm-twisting don't work, then the adult child is presented with an all-or-nothing situation: "Go ahead and live on your own then! Don't come back if you run into trouble! You are totally on your own and alone for the rest of your life! You have no idea how hard life is!" - the threats come out. 

What often happens in these situations, at least for these women who are in their twenties and thirties, is that they escape the household long enough to find someone to marry. Then they are free. They are still scapegoated in the end, punished in some way, but at least they are not totally alone in dealing with the situation. The parent is likely to reach back in eventually, especially if there is no one available as "fixer" or housemaid, or if there are grandchildren. They look for new recruits for the handmaid role, a grandchild is eyed for it, even a whole family if they can muster it. 

what can go wrong for the handmaid golden child:

it turns out to be a lot of things

babysitting: 

So suppose your parents left you with four younger siblings to take care of while they went out. You are only 13. 

You have a hard time dealing with these siblings while narcissistic Mom is out of the house. The three year old is particularly acting up, grabbing food out of the refrigerator and trying to get it on the counter, but more often dumping it on the floor because she can't reach the counter. To make matters worse the three year old starts eating the dip that Mom told you not to give any of the kids because it's for the party tomorrow. 

You are also trying to chase two brothers who are running through the house with squirt guns, and they have already knocked over a table. 

None of these siblings would act like this if Mom was in the house!

You keep taking the dip away from the three year old while you are also telling the boys to stop squirting at each other in the house. 

No one is listening to you. When the three year old goes to the refrigerator for the fourth time to get the dip out, you slap her on the hand and put her in her room and lock the door for twenty minutes while she wails and you chase the boys around the house. 

When Mom comes home she learns that you locked her sweet little three year old in her room, and slapped her hand. "How could you be so cruel! She only wanted dip!" - this happens with narc Moms by the way, these can't-win double binds. 

Your little sister punches you while she is wrapped up in Mom's arms and you feel bad that you hurt your sister. "Oh, she was such a meanie! But I'm here now! Mommy loves you!"

"I love you too," you say. "I'm sorry!"

"You best leave her alone now!" Mom retorts back. 

That's called triangulation, pitting siblings against each other, creating an environment among siblings of distrust that was never really there to begin with. 

Later on Mom scolds you: "What were you thinking! I put you in charge because you are responsible and nice! What happened to the nice girl I know! A nice girl would NEVER put her younger sister in her room for twenty minutes and let her cry like that! Over dip! Give me a break!"

"But I thought --" you say, but your mother waves her hand in a way that she doesn't want to hear what you have to say.    

you are always supposed to be nice (like a good sensitive empath should always be):

One problem with always being nice, and expected to always be nice is that it's a poor boundary for you. 

And anything that is "an always" in narc-speak has to do with the role: "You should always be nice," "You have always been responsible! What's the matter with you now?", "You should always think of others first before yourself! You've always shown that good side of yourself before! I expect it in the future!", "You always were bad at babysitting", "You were never good at deciphering what to take seriously! Remember that time your sister got into the dip? It was just dip! Bwahahaha!" - not so funny.  

Always/Never statements are unhealthy, especially for children. And it is black and white thinking besides, something that narcissists indulge in a lot. Judgements about your character in a black and white context is not fair; it is unjust; it is too simplistic for most situations; it does not use intelligence; and it is too opinion-oriented to be at all helpful. 

So, let's say that you were groomed to always be nice and always be empathetic towards other people: nice to your siblings, nice to your parents even if one of them did not treat you all that well, and well, nice to everyone:
"She's SUPER nice! Wow! You raised her well!"
"Such a nice daughter you have! You must be so proud!"
"Some kids are just so nice, you know what I mean? They are always so thoughtful of other people! How does this happen?! It must be genes!"
"Such a breath of fresh air to be served lemonade, a sandwich, and even dessert by such a nice sweet girl! She's only nine? Does she serve mixed drinks? Bwahahaha!" 

And then, because you are so nice, and your parents are smiling proudly, and your parent's friends are complimenting you and them so nicely, everyone expects you to continue to be nice. 

It can be a terrible and dangerous set-up for a lot of kids and young adults who have grown up with this role thrust on them. 

These are just some instances where it can work against you:

- A man stops you to ask for directions and you tell him how to get where he wants to go, but he says he can't hear you and waves to you to get closer. Then as you talk and point down the road to where he needs to go you do it with the utmost empathy. He's lost! His feeling lost makes you feel very sad because you've been so trained to be sensitive to how others may be feeling and their needs: and again, his needs are of the the utmost importance to you in that moment ... and then he grabs you!

- One of the siblings that you care for has been hanging out with a bunch of bullies at school, and has decided to try out bullying you too. He notices that your common mother orders you around a lot, and that if your mother doesn't get her way, she punishes you. He decides to try all of this out on you using a combination of what he has learned from the bullies at school and how the parent treats you at home. 
   He orders you around, and your parent is telling you to attend to his needs. 
   However, it becomes obvious this is just a little game to see how much he can order you around and how much you'll do for him. You have other chores to get to, and he follows you around telling you that you need to do what he wants you to do. At this point you laugh and say, "Good try!"
   But then he says he is serious. Then he throws his dirty clothes at you, and they land right in your face. "Ew! That's disgusting! I hope you didn't poop in any of these clothes!" 
   "What if I did! You wash my clothes now! You're supposed to be nice and wash our clothes!" 
   But you refuse to wash his clothes. 
   Then it becomes a power struggle to see what he can get away with. 
   You still refuse. Then he punches you in the gut really hard the way one of his bully friends does. 
   You run to tell your mother that your brother punched you in the gut, and her response is: "Why would he punch you in the gut!? He's never done that before. Did you punch her in the gut?"

   "No," he lies.
   "Mom, he's lying!"
   "Maybe you're lying!" she shouts back. "He would NEVER do that, would you?" - again, triangulation comes first in narc-world. 
   You are only a kid and you cry at the injustice. He looks a little sheepish and says, "I'm sorry. I was just trying to pat you on the stomach." It's another lie, and you walk away, seeing that there is not going to be any empathy, reasonableness, listening, research. 
   "You know what's the matter with you? You're too sensitive! A little pat! Cripe!" Your mother yells at you as you walk away.
   As the years go on, his bullying and lying get worse, and the continual response is that you should be nicer to him so that he won't want to hurt you and that you are too sensitive - typical. 
   You were groomed to be sensitive, and now it's become a fault. - it is a double bind, also typical. The double bind puts the fault squarely on your shoulders (blame-shifting), something that narcissistic parents do when they don't want to be the ones to resolve anything. They deem it is all your fault that you are too sensitive and that you are getting bullied.
   It is also the way victimization can happen so easily in families headed by a narcissist. 

- You are in your thirties and you desperately want to get out of the role of handmaid for your parent. You meet someone at the part time job your parents got for you. You secretly have lunch with him, and one day, he pops the question about wanting to marry you. 
   You accept the marriage proposal.
   At some point you have to tell your parent and it gives you extreme anxiety. As you expected, your parent goes ballistic, and also tries to break you apart. It doesn't work. 
   The parent also does not show up at the wedding - this is somewhat typical of narc parents - at least I have seen this happen in a number of situations. 
   Your groom takes note on how little support you have. 
   Three years into your marriage, it's a nightmare and you are in a worse situation than you were when you lived with your parent. He won't let you go anywhere; he orders you around the house constantly; it's like he's holding you prisoner; you are depressed, alone and lonely most of the time; and the domestic violence situations are piling up so that you are wounded a lot too. 
   This happens to children put in handmaid roles because they are taught to be nice to other people no matter what (even to be nice to bullies in the hopes that the bully will treat you better). 

   This is not teaching you good boundaries.
   Predatory types of people who become domestic violence offenders often are attracted to nice people who have few boundaries, who have been taught to please others to great lengths, and who have no familial support.
   In fact, you have been taught to be nice rather than to have boundaries. Good boundaries means having a good plan on protecting yourself against any bullying and domestic violence situations. Good boundaries also means a support system. A support system makes it harder for predators to go to the extreme lengths of hurting and traumatizing you to the extent that they are capable because they know that people will defend you.

- Abuse in the family: incest, bullying, co-ercive control, false imprisonment looks the same as being in a marriage with a domestic violence offender except it can seem there is no escape, especially if you are a child. In many narcissistic families, abuse is largely ignored. If someone complains, they are marginalized, treated with disdain, given the silent treatment, ostracized, or threatened. That is because narcissistic parents care more about their image than the events unfolding.
   Handmaids can especially be vulnerable to abuse. If they complain, they are told to be nicer.
   What I have seen when it comes to narcissistic families:
   A high proportion of children who complain about sexual abuse from stepfathers are ostracized. Their parent is even willing to let the state take control and put them in foster care. If other children come forward and complain (which is likely since sexual predation is repeated with other victims), then the parent may divorce and re-unite with their children.  
   Most sibling bullying is ignored in families headed by a narcissist, even egregious bullying. Some children call Child Protective Services (if they are aware enough), or a teacher does the calling. Child Protective Services will remove children who are enduring sibling bullying and often require the parents to go to counseling. This wasn't true a couple of decades ago, so you may have long lasting emotional scars that are still not healed or recognized by your parent(s).    

- If you go home to your parent after a bunch of traumatic experiences, they may decide that it was all your fault ("If only you were a little nicer!" - in other words, you are deemed to be not "nice enough" to keep yourself safe from violence and predation - whew! What a message, yes? - but I've seen this happen!) And of course the parent can punish you for going against their orders. And they will expect the same kind of sensitivity, duty, niceness, self effacement that you gave them before. 

Some handmaids commit suicide because they felt they were as nice as they could possibly be, that they had reached the apex of "niceness", altruism, unselfishness and self effacement and, in their minds, it still wasn't enough to keep them from being bullied and abused. They felt they were in a hopeless situation with this, and killed themselves. 

Girls, especially, are often taught to be nice and self effacing. Maybe they should be taught self defense instead, and that domestic violence and bullying is not their fault. Schools would be a good place to start since narcissistic parents are not likely to do it.

However, handmaid children may not have any abuse committed against them, but still there are drawbacks. Here are a few:

* Because handmaid children are so empathetic, and brought up to be so sensitive to the feelings of others, the narcissist cannot easily triangulate siblings. This kind of empath golden will care too much about how their siblings feel for the narcissist to break them apart (divide and conquer). 
   When the narcissist has a scapegoat, the empath golden will usually not take part in the family bullying against the scapegoat, and in fact may try to protect the scapegoat. Protecting the scapegoat can have consequences (narcissists will demand, even when it comes to bullying), but most of the time the handmaid is just removed from the golden role and put into the lost child role instead (a role where they are somewhat sidelined: somewhat ignored, perfunctorily engaged with, not provoked or bullied, not particularly doted on either, or noticed aside from making sure they stick to their role).
   It would be out of role for this kind of golden to be insensitive to a scapegoat sibling, and they often cry when asked to take part. "I just can't tell them what you want me to tell them! You always told me to be nice! Well this is cruel!" said through a lot of tears.
   Some of them can be talked into some insensitivity (especially when the parent spends a great deal of time comparing them much more favorably than the scapegoat), but on the whole, no; it won't work. 
   A lot of empath golden children work underground, out of view, to help siblings who are being abused. "I just wet the bed! Mom is going to KILL me for it! I didn't mean to do it! Help me!" and the golden child may do something to help hide it from Mom. 
   Some of them slip their siblings money when they are in dire straights. I also know personally of a situation where one of three daughters received a Will, but her two other siblings were left out. As soon as she received the money from the Will, she split the money evenly between all three of them. 
    The father's last ditch effort at triangulation did not work. Bravo for the three sisters who saw through this evil tactic and still have a very close relationship!  
   Christina, the child of Joan Crawford, from the movie Mommie Dearest gets enough money together to get her younger brother, who is a teenager, out of jail, and she also fights for an inheritance for him when they are both left out of Joan Crawford's Will. She succeeds. She gives her portion of the proceeds entirely to her brother. Christina also wrote in her autobiography that she did everything to protect her younger brother against Joan's rages and abuse. She would be a prime example of an empathetic handmaid child. 
   When the parent is a Malignant Narcissist or a very punishing breed of narcissist, they find all of this sibling togetherness too much of a direct hit to their fear that the power, control and domination they wield and want ever more of, will be compromised, so prefer the bully brand of golden child instead. But even that has as many pitfalls for them as putting an empath into a golden child role, if not more so (I will be explaining why when I get around to writing that post).
   Sometimes when a scapegoat child is bullied, the scapegoat child commits suicide. This happens a little too often, in fact. It can effect an empath golden greatly. They may carry around survivor's guilt for the rest of their lives as a result of this. They may also grow to hate their parents. They won't take kindly to hearing their sibling being talked about derisively when they know what really happened, and that the results of "the happenings" had everything to do with the sibling being bullied by the parent(s), even if their parent(s) spent an inordinate amount of time, lectures, and "convincing sessions" trying to blame-shift it off of themselves and on to their dead child. 

   I haven't seen that blame-shifts work in this regard, at any rate. I know of quite a few of these former golden children who left their parents for good, forever disgusted and heartbroken, without looking back, over the bullying and aftermath suicide of their sibling.

So, as you can see there are a lot of pitfalls to putting a child in a role like this, and also for you, if this was your role. 

The next type of empathetic golden child I will talk about more briefly, if only because they have a lot in common with the handmaid role:

THE EMPATH "STAR" GOLDEN CHILD

This role has most of the same kinds of expectations as the handmaid golden child, but in this case the role tends to go to a male whereas the handmaid role tends to go to a female (not always, but mostly). 

Also, the other difference is that not only is "the star" a parental and sibling caretaker, they are usually gifted at something too: it can be science, or the arts, or sports, anything. The parent usually does not notice until the kid wins a reward. If one reward does not get their notice, then a number of awards usually does. 

So the parent not only uses this child to show how nice he is, but how gifted he is too. They use him to show what great parents they are, really.

The other thing that sets "the star" apart from the handmaid is that when he is making lots of money at his gifts, he might be expected to use his money to put his siblings through college, to buy expensive things for the parents, to still be at their beck and call. 

There can be boatloads of guilt for "the star" if the bulk of his income is NOT spent on the family or on the parent(s) every want and need, in fact, even when he has his own children to raise!

"The star's" success can also be so intimidating to the parent's grandiose self, that "the star" often gets advice from the parent(s) like: "You don't need to be a star doctor! Working at the local hospital was always fine for you!", "You don't need to get any further in your career as a singer! In fact, you should probably think of retiring now before you lose your voice, your looks and your stage presence!" (even when they are only thirty).

I have already talked about how narcissist's envy is off the charts in other posts, and that goes for being envious of their children too, but they will also feel threatened by anything that threatens their grandiose sense of self (and therefor their abilities to wield power, control and domination). That's when you hear all of "You don't need to be successful!" kinds of lectures. That's when you hear all of the "It's not THAT big of an award!" kinds of putdowns. That's when you hear all of the "You could have done better than going to THAT (prestigious) University!" Well, you sure do need to be successful! Especially when they are narcissists!

Often a parent doesn't know what to do with this kind of child of theirs. Try to stick him with more obligations and babysitting to sabotage some of the success? Try to bring them down a notch or two, or all the way to the bottom in the "opinion department"? Try to only use him to show what great parents they are for having given birth to a "star child", but reject him and resent him in their own minds? What to do, what to do ...

One thing their siblings notice is that behind "the star's" back, the parent(s) both aggrandize him to strangers and friends, and tear him to shreds privately.

If he is rich, they like it when he invites them on exotic vacations and cruises, and they meet other "stars", of course, but they feel they deserve more, more of what they want, and they also put him down behind the scenes for flaunting his money when they don't have as much as he does (because they are always comparing people; it is what leads to all of the triangulation).

Often this kind of parent feels as though they are walking a tightrope of derision, resentment, and hatred towards "the star", plus getting praise, pride and attention they would not otherwise have received. They feel a lot of humiliation at being caught up in a situation like this, one where their grandiosity, power, control and domination are all very wimpy, and only limited to having given birth to him and raised him. He gets the bulk of the accolades, and they are on the sidelines of it. 

However, at the core of all of this for "the star" is sabotage because of the parent'(s) insecurities. How will they be able to count on you to put them first the way you used to do? How are they going to be able to dominate someone who is not vulnerable to domination, someone who can just throw them off and shout: "I don't need you! And you are NOT dominating me!"?

What I have noticed personally, that in the end, these narc parent(s) go in the direction of sabotage and rejection of "the star". Not always, but mostly. While they used him to help his siblings, they also don't like it that he is more of "the favorite" among the siblings than they are. That's the big difference with normal parents: they like it when the siblings foster closeness with each other. So, "the star" helped the siblings too much, in their eyes (that double-bind no-win situation again)! 

So then they deride him to the other siblings. They take the crown off of this empath golden and make up stories about him so that the children don't run to him for help, but to them instead. 

I know a lawyer, a doctor and a well known artist who were treated this way, and the narc parent not only tried to triangulate their siblings against them, but "the star's" own children too. Needless to say, this triangulation did not work. So, the bet that the parents were making of gaining more dominance, power and control backfired in a big way.

The artist's narc mother rejected her (the artist daughter) once she became "famous." The mother tries to use the "You're not good enough!" self esteem crushing tactic on her, but it doesn't work because she knows she has a narc mother (she educated herself on narcissism), and has loving children, a loving husband who is extremely supportive, and a great number of fans. The people who love her outnumber the single one who doesn't. It's amazing that the mother feels so threatened by her daughter's fame and success, and has to ruin it, even if ever so marginally for her, that she lets it stand in the way of a relationship with her, and her own grandkids! Whew - let that one sink in!

Both the lawyer and doctor have extreme boundaries in place so that their children are not exposed to the parents. The lawyer notices that the new golden child in her family is a home maker, a new handmaid. And the doctor is aware that the golden child in his family is a criminal in charge of his narc parent's medical care (you can't make this up, it's crazy-making! - but that's life with narcissists!).

THE CLONE EMPATH GOLDEN CHILD

Please note: I don't know any of these kinds of golden children personally, but other child abuse survivors have talked about them and there has also been some writing on the internet about them. In these cases, I only know of mother/daughter cases.

The children who assume a clone role seem to be born to a mother who displays sadism: vindictiveness, vengefulness and tit-for-tat spiteful behavior (whether the parents are malignant narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths is something I wasn't told).  

At any rate, sadism is usually a sign of malignant narcissism or antisocial personality disorder (the latter being sociopaths and psychopaths). 

Some sadists feel that sadism is necessary to get what they want (the arm twisters who think inflicting  pain on their child is going to reap good results for them, the parent: these would tend to be your malignant narcissists) and some of them actually get a thrill and a high from sadism, where the sadism is either something erroneous, felt, perceived, or over nothing at all, and is mainly sought to get the high of feeling grandiose and all powerful, and they really don't care what you feel in the slightest (these would more likely be your sociopaths and psychopaths). 

Anyway, the golden child has empathetic qualities throughout childhood and tends also to be put in a handmaid role, but because the parent is so sadistic, and never models empathy herself, her child feels that empathy might be a detriment. So she may have displayed empathy in her childhood to her siblings, but at some point feels she must keep it hidden, especially around her mother, and in situations where she might be shamed for showing empathy to a sibling who is being abused by the parent (it's that "go along to get along" kind of pressure). The parent is justifying that the abuse of one of her children is necessary and that no sibling should interfere with that. 

What happens is that eventually all qualities that the mother doesn't have are somehow deemed as detrimental in the child: "I can't be successful because Mom will be envious and ruin my life or reject me over it", "I can't show love and compassion to my siblings or I will be perceived as going against Mom", "I can't wear something different that would make her feel envious or critical because she'll hurt me if she is envious and critical", "I can't pursue any dream or career beyond what she has done with her life so that I don't trigger her envy and inevitable rage", "I can't have my own opinions because Mom will constantly pressure me to have her opinions", and so on. 

It may be unconscious, but eventually these siblings dress like the mother, have a haircut like the mother, mannerisms and speech patterns like the mother, repeat what the mother says in the same tones, if in a more robotic way, take up hobbies and jobs that are like the mother's, decorate their house like the mother, help the mother in such a way as to mirror how she does tasks. They look like and act like a twin, albeit a younger version of their parent. They tend to go shopping with their mother and buy the same clothes.

They also seem to grow into unemotional beings in that they don't allow themselves to feel anything the mother doesn't want them to feel. You also can't vote contrary to the way they vote; you can't be happier in your marriage than they are in theirs (or at least you have to pretend your relationship is the same); you can't keep a house differently; you can't even cut a pie differently or you will be lectured at as to how to properly cut a pie.

Who knows why this happens, but my big guess is that it is done out of fear. I think anyone with a narcissistic parent with dark traits (sadism, Machiavellianism) knows to downplay success to some degree, to appear to be unemotional when you can be, to agree on the small stuff that your parent wants you to agree with at the very least, but these kids take it to the extreme, become their parent just so they won't be attacked. They probably have a core self that is differentiated from the mother, but they don't dare show it (with the result that it becomes a dimmer and dimmer part of their makeup). 

Narcissists love mirrors and mirroring, so it appears to work.

500 Pound Peep wrote a story of a sister who became a clone of her mother called "Sister Light, Sister Dark" (her story is one of the seven stories that I know about personally). I recommend it, especially if you have noticed the same thing, because there isn't much out there on this breed of golden child.

In that story the sister goes from being an empath in childhood, starts to follow advice that will estrange her from her sister in highschool, to adult mirroring of her mother to such an extent that the narcissism is cloned too. 

I have tried to find some links on this phenomenon, but only found these to show you:

* Why would my narcissist wife want our daughter to be a mirror/clone of her? - a Quora question answered by Clinical Psychotherapist Karen Arluck.
excerpt:
People who suffer from NPD have often see their children as extensions of themselves. The more they view their child as being similar to themselves, the more loved, admired, and connected they are likely to feel towards them. Conversely, anytime your daughter chooses another interest, hobby, or preference that is completely different from their narcissitic parent, the more likely it is that the parent will feel rejected, uninterested, and less loving.
* What You Need To Know To Free Yourself From Narcissistic Parents - by David McDermott

 excerpt:
Remember that these parents use mind control to create clones of themselves and this would explain a lot of the narcissistic behaviors of these children.

* Your Narcissistic Mother Hates Your Body, and Here’s Why - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files
excerpt:
You exist as an extension of herself and an object in relation to her, not as a subject with your own valid and complex identity, traits, feelings, needs, preferences, and boundaries. Whether you function as a source of pride, embarrassment, and/or competition, your body is not your own but rather hers to control, judge, display, reject, or otherwise exploit, neglect, and abuse.
* Narcissist Parents Are Hurt Machines to Their Children - by Julie L. Hall for the Narcissist Family Files
excerpt:
Narcissist parents charge a high price for their favoritism: enmeshment and isolation. The narcissist “owns” her/his golden child and demands compliance and loyalty. If that child attempts to break away from the narcissist’s control and/or form relationships of her/his own, s/he faces a battalion of punishments, from guilt trips to judgment, rejection to abandonment, or worse.

I think all of us are capable of chameleon-like responses. In war, you might pretend to be one of the enemy if you are surrounded by the enemy, and you know their language and habits. You do it to get through it alive. 

Unlike a war where things are moving fast, being a life-long chameleon to a parent, however, seems like a harsh existence, especially if you have a full range of empathetic emotions underneath your chameleon role, but if your parent is violent, dangerous, highly abusive, and there are also some rewards, I can understand why some kids resort to this. It would explain why some children who are anointed the golden child role are anointed because they "seem" enough like the parent that the parent can keep molding them into evermore of a clone. An empath is not going to be like the parent, but if they have huge pressures from the parent to be a clone, and there are no apparent natural or inherent bullies to take the role, an empath might go down the dark path of being a clone just to survive the experience, and to keep surviving it. 

I would imagine that "the clone" would be attacked if she went out of role.

"You imposter!" the parent might say in a rage. "You fooled me! You are so evil to act like a clone and not really mean it!"

So this previously empathetic sibling may feel stuck in this role for the rest of their lives, afraid to reveal anything authentic, never understanding or exploring who they really are as a separate individual, what their opinions might be, what their interests might be, not even how they feel. Narcissistic parents love to tell their children how they feel even if it is not the truth. The clone golden child lets the parent do it, and is defined and imprisoned by the role.

The enmeshment is also at its apex, and with narcissists, if you withdraw from enmeshment, there are huge consequences.

So what can go wrong with having a clone or being a clone besides some of the things I talk about in the other type of goldens?

- You can't afford to show your mother that you might be an imposter, that you were just acting to keep safe.
- You have to put her first for the rest of your life because she and you are joined at the hip and what ever she wants is what you have to talk yourself into wanting too. 
- You can't have a relationship with the sibling that she hates (because you are supposed to be her and what ever she hates you have to hate too).
- Most people cannot live or deal with malignant narcissists, so everyone in the family may either be discarded or walk out. When you are all alone with a malignant narcissist and they cannot easily blame or abuse anyone else in the family, you turn into one part scapegoat and one part golden child. You will often be dealing with wild swings from your parent. 
- You have to ignore other siblings and cousins who have a strong identity, interests of their own, successes that they made on their own, talents they explored on their own, a fashion sense that is much more complimentary to their shape and hair than the "clone one" you have adopted - and by the way, a lot of success stories come from scapegoats. They rebelled against the unhealthy, spirit-stifling, emotion-stifling, intelligence-stifling, incredibly restraining and unethical "clone atmosphere" of the malignant narc or sociopathic family. 

- You have to put your mother's happiness always before your own even if you are miserable (she won't care if you are miserable anyway; you are supposed to have the emotions she wants you to have).
- You have to pretend to look the other way when she lies, says untrue horrible things about your other parent, including how she treats him. You are also supposed to look the other way if she steals, when she hurts others that you used to care about, when she ruins property you care about, when she makes fun of one of your children who you love and protect, when she sends a prospective spouse of yours away, when she insults your spouse, when your child is sick and she wants your undivided attention for days on end instead ... the price for favoritism from malignant narcissists is pretty darned steep and is usually tinged with immoral behavior ... and if you are a true empath underneath it all, it makes you feel a lot of self disgust that you can't seem to stand up to your parent: it just produces a lot of high anxiety and guilt instead.
- Your parent may dangle the "inheritance carrot" in your face, so you work hard for her just to get that reward, justifying all of the unethical situations. And then she decides she doesn't want you to have that money after all when she dies, the idea of you vacationing in the Caribbean or buying a mansion is too much for her (it triggers her envy to the point where she wants to hurt you): it is something she never got to experience! Remember: you are supposed to be her clone, and part of being one is that you don't get to experience what she was never allowed to experience! - very common, especially when it comes to narcissists with a sadistic mindset.
- Another situation where the parent dangles the "inheritance carrot" in your face:
   Say that your scapegoat family member has a wonderful house, a wonderful career, a wonderful spouse, and has never been estranged from any of her children in her life - and it all happened despite the fact that she was scapegoated and thrown away a long time ago. Your mother has told you that you will get the entire inheritance because the scapegoat is bad and doesn't need it anyway (even though your mother hasn't seen your scapegoat sibling in decades), and because she wants you to be well taken care of. The way she talks, she is going to leave you a million! Wow! You go to the lawyer's after her death, and she leaves you 30,000 dollars - also common. It's all that is left after she has spent it down. You have no pension because you've taken care of her your entire life, perhaps no social security for the same reason, and you are supposed to make it through old age on $30,000! 
- What happens if you get seriously sick or disabled? Let's say your scapegoat sister got thrown away when she was going through an incredibly difficult period of her life, but this would never happen to you because you are so much more special than she ever was to your mother, right? But the problem here is that you aren't a real clone if you are disabled and expect her to take care of you for a change! Malignant narcissists want you to put them first place, not the other way around. The role demands it, and you can't keep in role with your disability or illness.
   But unfortunately, let us say that your disability is progressive, and you won't be able to fulfill the role.
   So she throws you away at the height of your illness or disability  and gets in touch with the scapegoat, trying to convince the scapegoat that she loves that scapegoat after all, and that the golden child "disappointed her" - it happens. 

- And back to the scene where your sibling(s) are committing suicide because of the sadistic, cruel and abusive environment of the family (it happens: sometimes most of the family goes this way). You are now alone with your mother. Is being a clone going to keep you from the same fate? Will you grieve or put on an uncaring face the way she does just to "clone" her on this too? Will you explain away the suicides as she does: "all their fault?"

And what are the drawbacks for the malignant narcissist or sociopathic Mom? Here are just a few too: 
 

- You have driven almost everyone away with your cruelty and malice except your clone daughter. What happens if she dies? Will you try to convince your scapegoat daughter (or son) that you actually loved them when you've showed them otherwise most of their lives? Will you make a lot of excuses and cry pathetically to get your scapegoat(s) back again? Will it be believed? And what if the scapegoat(s) knows so much about narcissism, and knows that you will triangulate out of habit that she doesn't want you back again?
- What are you going to do with this compulsion to triangulate and dominate everyone in sight with people who no longer respect you and don't want your domination, your promises (that never materialize)? It's a mighty strong compulsion in you, but does it make sense to keep it?
- Do you like it that people feel like they are talking to a brick wall when they talk to you? That you can't compromise at all, and they get tired of this unwillingness to compromise?
- Are you happy that you drive people away with your insults, hyper criticisms, gaslighting, narcissistic tactics?
- I bet no narcissist will ever get through these questions because they will find them provoking (the rage will come out: "I'm not listening to this drivel by this two-bit author!"), but an empath golden child might - have a look around you: is it right to be pressured into an enmeshed exclusive relationship with your parent; is it right to force a sibling to get along with an abusive family member; is it right to feel elated because you have been chosen by a parent who is morally bankrupt?

THE EMPATH GOLDEN CHILD IN AN EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PARENT

   These golden children are not necessarily clones of their narcissistic parent, but the parent seeks to make them their best friend through rewards. You go on trips together and sleep in twin beds in the same room; you share the same house; you make dinner together; you share the same friends; you sacrifice a life of your own to be best friends with your mother (or father). 

You put your parent higher in priority than anyone else in your life, including a partner and children, or if you are unmarried, of having a partner and children. Your parent comes fist in every way.
   

Do you feel like there will be fall-out for being married? Or putting most of your attention into your children?

These golden children will even brazenly tell you that their parent is their best friend. 

They show great empathy towards their parent, but like the clone, that empathy does not necessarily extend to the other parent, or the scapegoat sibling, or any family members in the same all-encompassing way (you will know if you have a scapegoat sibling because the scapegoat's concerns are not addressed; they often are estranged or on the sidelines; they are often lectured to about getting along with a bully or sexual predator in the family, and they are called crazy).

One of the big drawbacks to having an exclusive "best friend" relationship with a parent that excludes your sibling, is that it isolates you with your parent. When your parent dies or gets sick, you may not have anyone else. Insensitivity and going along with insensitivity to other members' plights in order to have an exclusive relationship with a parent will breed some separation, loneliness for you, and resentment from them. It's like Martin Luther King's quote about "the appalling silence of the good people."  

When all you have left in your family are people you have treated with appalling silence and insensitivity to their feelings and plight, it can be make you feel very alone in the end. 

IN CONCLUSION

The golden child has a lot of decisions to make when it comes to being crowned. 

Will you insist on forging your own life, or be the parent's handmaid?

Will you be triangulated against your siblings? Your other parent? A stepparent? Your spouse? Your children? - because that is what happens in a lot of these situations.

Will you sit by while abuse happens to everyone else in the family even if it doesn't happen to you?

What will you do at family get-togethers: listen to endless insults, put-downs, and criticisms of family members you love and care about, or will you sit silent and let it happen?

Do you feel like you have to adopt their opinions, feelings about others, their perspectives, their world views in order to get along with them?

Are you afraid of your parent's reaction if you stand up to them when they are blatantly lying about people in the family? Or will you let them get away with lies and smear campaigns against your other parent, or other members of the family? Do you take part in it to keep safe?

Are you allowing a parent to tell you who in the family you can talk to and who you can't? Are there great pressures to be loyal only to them and their wishes?  

Are you hanging out in the toxic environment of the narcissistic family to get a reward like an inheritance (the thing that abusive parents use to get their kids to comply with domination and control of you)?

Something to think about:

Most people are concerned about their spouse first, their children second, their parent third and their siblings fourth. In narcissistic families, it doesn't tend to look like that.

A narcissistic parent will want you to put them first, always. Are you willing to put them first, and are you also willing to have your spouse on the back burner? And your children too? - Narcissistic parents are known to manipulate this. And all the while they will be trying to convince you that they are smarter and know how to run your life when it comes to how you relate to your spouse, your children and your siblings. If you are a true empath, where is your empathy for everyone else that inhabits your life? Or does your empathy only go to your parent, and exclusively to your parent?  

The narcissist and the golden child (Narcissistic Family Roles)
by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:

The narcissist and the handmaid (narcissistic family roles)

by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:

further reading:

The Terrible Dilemma of the Golden Child in the Narcissist Family: Part I - by Julie L. Hall for The Huffington Post

7 Traits Of The Golden Child (And How They're Influenced By Narcissistic Parents) - by the administrators of Last Tango

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED: Is it Better to be the Scapegoat or the Golden Child? (It sounds like a no-brainer, but the reality is a lot more complex) - by Amanda Robins for Medium.com

excerpt:

Being a golden child is like being the narcissistic parent’s mini me. They aren’t allowed to be themselves, nor are they allowed to be imperfect, because that would reflect badly on the parent. Whilst they seem to have it easy, the reality is that they are always on stage being scrutinised, usually suffering from a permanent and crippling case of performance anxiety. To be in the narcissist’s spotlight is to be constantly judged. Having one’s inevitable flaws held up to the cruel and critical gaze of the narcissist.

12 Unspoken Rules of Engagement in the Narcissistic Family - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

Enabling the Narcissist: How and Why It Happens - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

A Golden Child Story of Guilt in the Narcissistic Family - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

Why Narcissists Will Never Love You and It’s Dangerous to Love Them - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

Narcissistic Covert Incest: Being ‘Loved’ Too Much - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Healing Things to Do for Yourself Right Now - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

5 Things Children of Narcissists Wish Everyone Would Stop Saying - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

Are You Being Bullied by Narcissistic Monologuing? - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

How Narcissists Torture Others and Believe They’re Right to Do It - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

Understanding Narcissistic Rage and Why It’s Not Your Fault - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

Dear Therapist: You Missed My Husband’s Narcissism and It Devastated My Family - by Julie Hall for the Narcissist Family Files

The Narcissistic Family Tree (It can be pretty and decaying at the same time) - by Karyl McBride Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Narcissistic parents identify their children as either a favourite or a scapegoat, and they pit them against each other - by Lindsay Dodgson for Insider.com 

Golden Child and Scapegoat - by Tracy Culleton for Understanding and Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Scapegoat, Golden Child & More: How to Identify & Heal from Narcissistic Family Roles - by Terri Cole

What happens to the Golden Child of a narcissist - Quora, with psychologist Edward Tierney answering:

I don’t have access to any proper studies, but my own experiences would suggest the vast majority become narcs themselves. Scapegoats, no, if anything they become anti-narc, they have seen the dark side, so they veer away as soon as they become aware of the term. They have all the baggage that being a golden child brings- the arrogance, the insecurity, the hot and cold, jealousy, lack of empathy, lack of trust, no friends. You’d think they’d try very hard to avoid becoming like the parent, but it’s the opposite, and they always have kids, so it goes on down the line. All that toxicity in one family is truly appalling to behold. So when they become a narc themselves they behave as all narcs do, in a selfish, friendless, loveless way, and hurt everyone they come across. This is the dark side of narcissism. If it was all just boasting and flamboyant dress it would be tolerable if a bit annoying, but it is much darker than that. Narcs are unpleasant people, self-obsessed and simply not nice to be around. They damage people. So I am on a campaign to educate everyone about narcissism, and the dangers thereof. My little answers can only provide a snapshot, in relation to a tiny aspect of narcissism, and it is a big subject, so you need to study it to understand it properly. This will pay enormous dividends. You will be able to better deal with any narcs you are stuck with, like relatives, and will be able to see what is going to happen if you have the misfortune to be in a relationship with one, so I am recommending everyone learns about it by reading. And you will be able to spot one , and take evasive action. Everyone normal should become an expert on narcissism. This is surprisingly easy, because they always act the same, all the time, and they do the same things to people over and over again. There is a narc pattern. So one good book will do it. The best book I ever found on narcissism generally is Prepare to be Tortured- the price you will pay for dating a narcissist. AB Jamieson, Amazon ...

The Golden Child Syndrome - by the administrators of SchoolofLife.com

from Rebellious Goat (always a good source for quotes!):

ple, and topics