How to Gray Rock Narcissistic Family Members for Thanksgiving

Update: 2/12/20: I am no longer a proponent of this method for scapegoats as it can cause an unhealthy amount of suppression. See this post where scapegoat survivors weighed in on the effectiveness of The Gray Rock Method. 

If you aren't a scapegoat of your family of origin, and you don't see them often, this may be somewhat relevant (you decide):

This piece by @dont_gaslight_me_bruh (an Instagram account worth looking through) seemed to say it. Below are also some more tips on gray rocking:

This is an excellent video by psychologist Ramani Durvasula on gray-rocking (and although she never uses the "gray rock" term, the idea is the same). I would like to add that you should never talk about your successes in front of narcissists either. That will set them off in a different way. I list the ways that they cannot handle your success below the video:

"How to deal with being held hostage at the THANKSGIVING table"

by Ramani Durvasula:

Next are ways they can't deal with you talking about successes that you have had (i.e. don't talk about these subjects at all if you can help it: it is best to stick with subjects like the weather, how good the turkey tastes, how wonderful it is to gather together for the holidays, how pretty the skies look at this time of year, etc):

1. they are highly insecure, and any success that you have unless it is about getting that pie right for the first time, makes them feel two inches tall to the point where they will react by being:

   a. critical

   b. divert the conversation away from your success

   c. embarrass you

   d. give you endless advice and lectures on what to do with your success (if they are true narcissists they will be giving you advice that will be good for them and their insecurities, i.e. sabotage you). 

   e. ask you too many questions to figure out how they can get into a "superior position" over you that will satisfy their need for power and control

   f. laugh at you and your successes and make you the butt of their jokes

   g. sound haughty and say competitive things 

   h. sound like an expert in your field

   i. try to make you look foolish or pretend that your success isn't that big a deal

   j. find something to argue with you about so that you will no longer feel good about your success
   k. compare you unfavorably with someone else in your field
   l. try to get you to say more so that they can attack you later or find holes in your success story

2. they are highly jealous, and most narcissists want to relieve their jealousy by hurting you in such a manner that you cannot enjoy your success any more (many are "happiness vampires").

3. they aren't mature enough to treat the subject with respect and dignity (their emotional growth is stunted at about six years old).

4. they like things to go their way, and you talking about your success is putting too much of the room's focus on you for them. In one way or another they will want you to pay dearly for talking about your successes. In addition, they very much want the success that you have, but most often they cannot have it because they spend an inordinate amount of time on narcissistic supply issues, including competition, and gaining as much dominance, domination and control as they can with as little work as they can. Their minds aren't built to enjoy work for its own sake - they only want to work in a competitive environment, and competition tends to slow them down. Since many of them are obsessed with competition, the competition tends to take over their skills.

For Dr. Ramani's video (above), reading the comments, most people would rather stay home away from narcissistic family members, than to be around them. Some of those comments:

I no longer participate in family events. This is just fine with me! Now I do volunteer work so I'm not alone.

Awesome! This year I decided not to put up with any bullshit and I’m going to spend it alone and have a peaceful day:)

If you’re a narcissist’s favorite target, your issue is that you’re sticking around. Remove yourself from the situation. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

response to the poster above: ... not every narc abuse victim has the ability to leave. There are those who have serious health conditions (due to the abuse) that prevent them from functioning properly. Also, moving isn’t cheap. But I ask that you please be respectful / understanding and not make that sort of ignorant statement ever again.

I am so proud of myself. Making turkey dinner for my womanfriend and dog! We're gonna have a great time without narcissist blood sucking relatives. Yeah!

"Obligatory" family events are like a five course meal for a Narcissist. Let them starve.

I stopped attending, although I stop by the day prior with flowers & dessert from a bakery. Works for me.

I'm thankful that I'm not North American. I only have to deal with Christmas.

I never spend time with my family during the holidays and not just because I don’t believe in their validity. If you want your kids to have tradition, you can always start your own traditions as opposed to exposing them to your worst relatives. You don’t have to spend your precious free time with abusers. It’s not a requirement. Create opportunities for peace in your life by mitigating the amount of chaos you tolerate.