A Major Publication, The New York Times, Talks About "The Gray Rock Method"

"Leaves with a Mossy Rock"
© Lise Winne
(available HERE)

The article is here:

How to ‘Gray Rock’ Conversations With Difficult People (Some say that becoming as dull as a rock is an effective way to disengage.) - by Christina Caron for The New York Times

The article starts with these words:

     Take a moment to imagine a small gray rock sitting in the palm of your hand. It’s silent, smooth and otherwise unremarkable.
     Are you bored yet? If so, that’s kind of the point. 

The article mentions Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who studies, specializes and is an expert in Narcissistic Personality Disorder and how this antagonistic personality style effects the rest of us as we engage with them in all walks of life. 

I have also discussed her writings and videos many times in my blog. 

The gray rock method, according to Dr. Durvasula is to keep conversations neutral, "trim and slim" and not to reveal anything that would otherwise garner interest, a competitive response, a lecture, a response that puts the narcissist in control of the narrative, an antagonistic response, or be used against you. These are all issues when talking with narcissists. 

Dr. Ramani Durvasula learned about the technique from Donna Anderson, which is where I think I learned about it too. I'm not totally sure, but I read an awful lot of Donna's posts when I started my own blog. 

On TikTok and various other social media sites, there are people who teach you how to use it without being too disengaged and ice cold in your deliveries. I haven't tried it myself except in work situations, preferring to stay disengaged with narcissists, but for those who want to delve into this space, I have heard that it is helpful. There are various demonstrations on how to be as neutral as you can (not friendly, or unfriendly). The Times article mentions briefly where you can find one of these videos. 

The article goes on to mention Tina Swithin, who suggests something she made up called "the yellow rock method" when divorcing a difficult or narcissistic husband where you have to share custody. She also made a "wheel", designed after the power and control wheel called the Post Separation Abuse Wheel - really creative, and so true when it comes to what happens in these situations. 

Anyway, Tina Swithin's yellow rock method is similar to the gray rock method, except you are more friendly and accommodating. You say things like "Let's agree to disagree on that one", "You have a right to your feelings about me, but I don't see myself the way you see me", and driving the conversation back to the kids and their welfare at every opportunity so that it's not a pointless lecture or argument by the narcissist at what a failure you are (and any subject that is about crushing your self esteem). Here is a video she made about how to use it - again, very creative, and helpful to those mothers who care about their kids first, and want to avoid any more of being drawn into the narcissist's penchant for being antagonistic, insulting, revenge oriented, and hurtful. 

The article also mentions Lara Fielding, a behavioral psychologist, who doesn't think the gray rock method should be used for long periods of time, only in "crisis mode", and as a way to keep safe from attacks both physical and emotional. In other words, it shouldn't be used as the basis of a relationship, to keep in touch or to have a minimal relationship with a difficult person. 

She states that in the long run, it is about being inauthentic which can cause psychological harm to yourself.

My note: A narcissist really doesn't like or love anyone, and trying to accommodate them in this way over the long term will bring criticism from the narcissist ("You're vapid!"; "You don't want to talk about anything other than this B.S.!?", "I know about the gray rock method - I'm not stupid - and I'm not playing that game with you young lady, so you're going to cut it out now!!"). It will be just like the other things you do and say that garner criticism and contempt from them.

It doesn't do much except to keep the more egregious abuse at bay in the short term. 

She suggests the V.A.R. method instead, something else that the Times article talks about, which is more about creating healthy boundaries. 

It is never easy to know what to do when you are in conversations or a relationship with a narcissist. Everything is literally "trial and error" and what works best for your own situation. Even when you go through trials and errors of relating to them, the narcissist's reactions are often extreme, especially rage, and it is hard to tell what is best: let them rage, smooth things out (smooth the sharp edges of the rage), soothe them, walk away, let them walk away, show that it hurts (or doesn't hurt - either one can often make a narcissist rage more), or do you talk business-like to them, let them know that rage isn't helping either of you solve the problem, or ignore the rage because if you show you don't think it is helpful, or that you don't like it, they are more likely to keep doing it, which is to say that in a lot of situations you may or may not like the outcome, and nearly everything is unpredictable in how they are going to deal with certain issues. Some methods if done repeatedly can work better than other methods. In extreme cases (when they are over-reacting in the extreme), they discard people, give them the silent treatment, start false narratives and smear campaigns about you, or if they are violent, hit you. They are going to try to make sure that what they want always comes first and that is about it (and it is nearly impossible to talk them out of it - narcissists aren't built to care about the fate of others, at least in any kind of consistent way; they lack empathy). 

But some of this advice and this Times article about how different avenues other than gray rocking may be helpful. 

I have written my own article on the gray rock method for scapegoats of narcissistic family systems. What I learned was that it was minimally effective for scapegoats, but in terms of mental health, not the best method to be using. A scapegoat's concerns, feelings and even their voice on issues is mostly ignored anyway, unless a member wants to transfer blame, i.e. "their own sins", on to a scapegoat which can lead a scapegoat to defend themselves. Invariably, whether the scapegoat defends themselves or has given up on being heard, it eventually leads to family abuse against the scapegoat. It's certainly not a good method on "how to deal with family abuse" by a long shot. A very high majority of scapegoats leave their family of origin sooner or later, to live out the rest of their life without the burdens of being scapegoated and blamed by personality disordered members and their enablers.