perfection in abusive relationships: parents and partners who expect perfectionism, and punish if they are not receiving it

name of cartoon: perfection in abusive relationships 
(an off-shoot of "Erroneous Blaming")
image is © Lise Winne
(for questions regarding use of images or contract an image for your next article
contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

(Note: a similar post to this one is erroneous blaming and erroneous punishments, with a cartoon that is almost identical. This post repeats a lot of the same subject matter as that post, so if you have read that post, there will be some repeated information -- "perfectionism" is just one of the facets of erroneous blaming)

Usually these kinds of abusers are very demanding. They want what they want, when they want it, and they expect you to perform perfectly for them (and all with accompanying "perfect attitudes").

They make a determination that if you are not performing to their specifications, you will have to pay the consequences: either silent treatments, withdrawing love, withdrawing consideration and kindness, withdrawing money or food, being isolated from your family, or being put through some sort of torture: physical, emotional, sexual, environmental, threats, neglect, it could be anything.

Often the point of their abuse and torture is to instill in you that you are not worthwhile (or only as good as they say you are), that they can live without you, and if they are to be kind to you at all, you will have to perform for them: to prove that you can do what they expect of you, "perfectly" and without complaint. You are to regard them as "perfect" as well: often hard to do because most abusers are liars, shams, cheaters, backstabbers, blackmailers, ruthlessly punishing (abusive), and many abusers put you through "love triangles" too. But you are expected to "pretend" to view them as infallible nonetheless, to turn a blind eye, and especially for their audience of superficial friends and "followers" (yes, they believe they have followers who adore them and hang on to every word). If you don't say "perfect" things about them, there is often a severe punishment (i.e. abuse), where they torture you. How they torture you depends on the abuser. They might give you the silent treatment for days, weeks, months or years, they might isolate you and/or try to ruin your reputation, they might withdraw money suddenly, they might poison you, or sexually abuse you, or batter you, or, if you are a child, neglect you (throw you in a basement without food, expect you to live in outside conditions in freezing weather, expect you to be locked in a room for weeks without basic necessities, ration your food, demand endless apologies that they deem to not be "good enough"; again it could be anything!). Most abusers are flattery addicts, unempathetic, lack integrity, which is to say that they are, by and large, hypocrites. 

And almost all of them think that their victims will be learning how to treat them better through these cruel kinds of acts.

In all abusive relationships, an expectation to perform "perfectly" and to speak "perfectly" is always present. "Perfectionism" can, and often means "perfect tone of voice", "perfect words with no complaining or criticism in them", "perfect execution of their demands", "perfect phrasing of words and emotions -- usually they want you to be emotionally flat and always polite" (even though they rarely are), "perfect altruistic motives towards them", and so on.

Abusers are known to punish if they interpret your attitudes, actions and looks as less than perfect. Even if you are doing everything to please them, they are known to say you aren't "perfect enough" as their way to justify more punishments, as abusing is how they feel important and in control. They also see it as their way to get what they need. Abusers even take command of telling you what you are feeling, thinking, and doing and why it is, or is not, good enough (or "a punishable offense"). It is their way of saying that they are in charge of everything: your feelings, your thoughts, your actions, and their interpretations of all of your feelings, thoughts and actions.

This is a part of erroneous blaming, which always goes hand in hand with perfectionism in abusive relationships. Other kinds of abuses including mocking, vilifying, smear campaigns, verbal abuse and gaslighting usually are also part of the arsenal of weapons perpetrators use when expecting perfectionism from their victims.

One of the first signs of an abusive family is that the authority figures tell you what you are thinking and feeling. If you are having an argument with them, they make it known that they don't care what you feel, that your job is to only care what they feel. That is why they usually say "No, you hurt me!" when you tell them that they egregiously hurt you. Abusive people don't care about how they hurt you; if anything they will try to endlessly excuse and justify it.

Abusive parents expect you to perform duties to perfection, even when you are no longer a child, and sometimes even when you are 60. Child abuse is a campaign that is leveraged upon their child for a lifetime unless the family gets help along the way (counseling).

If your parents punish you when you are an adult it is always abuse. The only person who has a right to punish another adult is a court appointed judge or jury in a legal system, or authorities if you are incarcerated, or an officer in a military situation. Sometimes bosses punish workers by firing them, but that can be abusive too if they don't follow legal procedures.

One way to tell if a child may be part of an abusive family is how parents react to their child. For instance, if the child got bullied in school (and yes, victims of child abuse are often the primary targets of school bullying) do they say to their child, "What did you do to get yourself in that mess?" or "What did you do to deserve it?". Note this is a "sign", not a definitive conclusion that they are abusive parents. The point is that non-abusive parents generally say, "I'm concerned," or "Are you okay?" or "How are you doing and how are you feeling about what happened?" or "What can I do to help my child?" They aren't trying to referee the bullying or trying to decide who is at fault right away, or what kind of "less than perfect thoughts, feelings and actions" brought on the bullying. Some abusive parents even argue with their child about how the child is thinking and feeling right in front of school authorities.  

In a post entitled The Perfectionist Tyrant, Sallie Culbreth, M.S. states that many survivors of abuse suffer from self esteem issues from pressures over perfection. Here is an excerpt: 

Perfectionism takes on many forms – from being an over-achiever to being an under-achiever. Perfectionism is a common malady among survivors of abuse, exploitation, and sexual trauma. At its core, it is the relentless drive to avoid powerlessness, but that drive is a tyrant. The tyrant sends you into a panic every time you feel the threat of being exposed as “less than.”

It is vital for you to remember that the experience of abuse educated you about your value. The problem is that those lessons are built around lies and manipulation. Nonetheless, they feel true and, over time, they become enmeshed with how you define your worth.

What do you believe about your worth based on the lessons of abuse? That you have no value. That you’re not good enough. That you’re disposable. That there’s something wrong with you. That you’re only good for one thing. These are the lies that feel very true, but please note: THEY ARE STILL LIES.

Now here’s where it gets dicey: perfectionism is your response to these lies, but it is so extreme that it can impair how you approach life and your ability to function in a healthy way. As I stated at the beginning, perfectionism can manifest in two seemingly opposite behaviors: over-achievement and under-achievement.

Over-achiever perfectionism screams at you that if you don’t work day and night to accomplish everything you do without any mistakes, then you’ll sink into those wretched definitions of the lies and feel completely exposed as a disposable, valueless idiot ...

... Under-achiever perfectionism screams at you that you’ll never be able to attain the goals you’ve set – that you’ll never be good enough – so why bother? You believe that everyone already knows your worth, so why risk failure and face that horrific moment when you’re reminded one more time that you’re “less than” and always will be. You find it easier to never take risks than to risk being less than perfect.

Both of these expressions are based on distorted ideas about self that come from the experience of being abused. It is one of the most insidious and stubborn beliefs that survivors must confront ...

If your parents punish you because of a complaint or a look, it is abuse. It is also about "perfectionism" at its core. Perfectionism is usually abusive because there is an implied threat of a "punishment" behind it: for instance, "If you give me that look I don't like, I'll hurt you!" or "If you complain about me one bit, I'll reject you!" Look to see if they are putting labels on your motives (and remember that these are ALWAYS their ways of perceiving you).

Abusers often interpret your look or speech the way they want to see you, not as who you are. They might see a look and interpret it as something they don't like or as impertinence. All abusers hate even the possibility of impertinence, so they are known to do pre-emptive strikes. Other things they don't like include what they perceive as a look of autonomy from their victims, a look of ingratitude, a look of rebellion, a look of disbelief, a look of appearing superior to them when they expect you to perceive yourself as inferior to them, a critical look, a quizzical look, a look that portrays to them that you might abandon them, a look of rolling your eyes, a look of smirking (which they might interpret as you laughing at them and thinking of them as inferior), and a look of disgust at what they are saying. Victims who have these kinds of thoughts about them are terrifying to them, so they punish over the possibilities first and escalate wildly if they actually become realities (most abusers are personality-disordered). It is because they, themselves want to know their victims look at them at all times as "perfect" and as "superiors" and the only way they know how to keep their victims from growing out of idealizing them is to punish.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths (who make up the most dangerous abusers) especially have absolutely zero tolerance for anyone who might be slightly or fleetingly feeling in ways they find threatening. They want so badly your childlike gullibility or they feel absolutely threatened by you to the point where they can become either scary or dangerous.

Why scary? Because they make threats. Their threats are NOT to be taken lightly. Even if they take their threats back, and promise not to use them after all, they have a propensity to be unstable, and cannot be counted on to do what they say. Also, if they have a history of severely abusing they are certainly not to be trusted. Severe abuses include silent treatments that last months, erroneous blaming sessions that never seem to end, only letting up on abuse after they see you begging and crying, physical abuse.

They are also dangerous because abuse usually escalates regardless, and abuse can also be deadly even if your abuser meant only to hurt you just so far without killing you. They also tend to get ever more sensitive to what your looks and feelings might be portraying as the relationship deepens: if they deem you to be resisting being perfect in the way they want, they can, and do, take abuse to another level. They can graduate from emotional abuse to physical abuse very, very quickly. Some signs to look out for include touch which is at all hostile, pushing, intimidating physical stances where they expect you to walk around them, breaking or smashing property, being rough with material things, destroying gifts you have given them (especially if it is your parents or partner who are destroying your gifts), yelling at you in your personal space (within 6 feet of you), leaning into you to command, lecture or stare you down, clenching their fists while talking to you. These are all the beginning danger signs in terms of physical violence.

Don't make the assumption that you will always be able to follow their demands (i.e. keep safe in that way). Many abusers expect you to eventually fulfill demands that are unethical, dangerous, self-sabotaging, self-sacrificing and self-harming. Almost all victims eventually come to the conclusion that they have to abandon abusive people because of these practices.

Be aware that their interpretation of your "imperfect looks" are really, underneath it all, them feeling threatened by you and afraid of you. What they are really saying is: "don't judge me, don't question me, don't disagree with me, don't investigate who I am or what my motives are, don't feel worthwhile, happy, successful and autonomous without my consent. Only look at me as perfect, please!" Alternatively they can be thinking "Only look at me as perfect, or else you will pay and pay and pay!" They are such utterly paranoid people that if you grimace, they are known to take it very personally, and put vilifying, dark interpretations on it with all kinds of erroneous guilt trips attached, just to scare you from even considering thoughts and feelings that they might not like. They don't ever want to be hurt by your thoughts or feelings and that is the purpose of all of their crazy-making guilt trips, which can often escalate to withdrawals and other punishments, just to make it known to you to keep your thoughts and feelings contained, in the dark recesses of your mind, to yourself, and even deny such feelings if you have them. To them it doesn't really matter whether you never meant to hurt them at all; what matters to them is that you never think to even entertain the possibility of having a thought or feeling that blames them for anything, that makes them culpable for anything, that is at all at odds with how they want to be perceived.

How you look at them, then, can become one huge problem that they feel they cannot ignore. This is the ultimate crux of their retaliations against you (and remember: retaliation in close personal relationships = always abuse).

See my post on erroneous blaming for more information.

Most abusers have personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. If they aren't making devious plans to physically disable you or to get rid of you, they may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If they want to cause you physical pain, or get rid of you, they are likely to have Antisocial Personality Disorder. In other words, narcissists usually emotionally abuse those closest to them (getting rid of you through silent treatments, disabling you socially) and antisocials usually physically abuse those closest to them (getting rid of you by planning your demise, disabling you physically and mentally). Unchecked and unchallenged narcissists can often join the ranks of the Antisocial Personality-disordered (sociopaths). Be aware that alcoholism in some people can mimic Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the difference being that when they give up the bottle entirely (rehab), they stop acting narcissistically.

What you can count on from narcissists and sociopaths is that there will be a lot of projection: they will see you as they are. They might see you as impertinent because they are impertinent; they might see you as someone who looks at their statements in disgust because they typically look at other people's statements in disgust; they might see you as disloyal and unfaithful because they are disloyal and unfaithful; they might see you as hyper-critical or condescending because they are hyper-critical and condescending; they might see you as evil because they are evil.

Unfortunately for victims, abuse for many narcissists and sociopaths is like a heroin fix: they get off on watching you suffer and "get punished" by them, and they get addicted to abuse because they get off on other people suffering. In order to get more satisfaction from abusing you, they escalate abuse. Most emotional and verbal abusers end up physically abusing. Abusers have also been known to make things up about you just to get their fix of abuse. It is just part of the escalation process no matter what you do or say.

When abusers graduate to more and more escalations of abuse, victims often realize there is a pattern and leave their abusers. Abusers then typically make promises to their victims not to abuse again. Unless they are doing an awful lot of therapy, and are treating you with the utmost respect, unless they are willing to respect every single last boundary that you put up, it is a ruse. It is just about them wanting to get their fix again.

Further reading:

In this post entitled Understanding the Trauma of Child Abuse by Richard Gold, he discusses how blame, victimization and the appearance of "perfectionism" often leads to severe trauma for the abused scapegoats of such families:
Excerpts (but the whole article is worth reading):
A child is blamed. It’s important to understand that abuse is not a “simple” hit or sex act. Abuse is coercive. The victim is blamed for the victimization. In the proc­ess, the abuser exerts control in ways that are torturous and terrifying.
A child feels ashamed. It’s important to understand that the failure of kindness and protection in the family is a profound wound to the child. The victim is deeply ashamed at this loss and carries the burden of feeling unlovable.
Beyond the circumstances of fragmentation and a sense of personal defective­ness, that reinforce one another and are further reinforced by blame and shame, there are powerful factors within abusive family systems that reinforce trauma.
Here are some of the factors in abusive family systems that reinforce trauma. Within a family, the abuser may not only be dominant, but idealized. And everyone in the family may measure themselves by the abuser’s moods ...

... Often there is an enforced isolation for the family, where the abuser passes judgment and controls outside contacts. This isolation limits the child victim’s opportunities for understanding and healing. Often in an abusive family there is a parent who is a passive enabler of the abuser, and this role is significant. The enabler makes it possible for the family to be a self-contained system. The en­abler may support or justify the abuser. The enabler may allow or even encour­age the child to serve as a target for abuse ...

... In the end, the abused child may carry the huge burden of preserving the family as an ideal – and therefore may carry a huge burden of guilt for failing in that impossible task ...
... In addition to messages from the parent that the child deserves blame for family problems, there are also significant messages that the parent doesn’t want the child to be happy or to succeed as a person beyond the abusive parent’s limited capabilities. So the child feels guilt and failure for its successes, as well for its victimizations ...

... One powerful theme throughout circumstances of abuse is the theme of secrecy. There are secrets that the child victim keeps from itself. There are secrets that the child victim keeps from the abuser, from the enabler, etc. – and vice versa. There are secrets that the abusive family keeps from society. The abusive family sus­tains itself with falsehoods ...

Narcissists Say “Mistakes Must Not Be Made” -- by Lenora Thompson
Sexual Abuse Takes Toll on Victims by Trish Kinney. Discusses that sexual abuse carries with it not only physical maladies (like cancer and IBS) that can show up years later, but many victims also develop "perfectionist personalities."

The Impact of Child Sexual Abuse on Adolescents by Sanford Health, includes withdrawing from the pain of abuse by trying to be perfectionist, people-pleasers, and overachievers.

Perfectionism plays a role in child abuse and spousal abuse from The Violence and Addiction Equation, Theoretical Conclusions in Sustance Abuse and Relationship Violence book by Christine Wekerle, Anne-Marie Wall   

Healing from Childhood Abuse: Understanding the Effects, Taking Control to Recover by John J. Lemoncelli -- it has a chapter on perfectionism and people-pleasing as being qualities of victims of abuse

Feeling you must be perfect, and perform perfectly can also be a form of self-abuse. This is just one post of many posts.

People obsessed with grammar aren't as nice as everybody else, study suggests by MJ Franklin

A forum topic is raised about "perfectionism" from a mental health provider, who still hasn't had time to heal from her own traumatic childhood ... many other people respond by telling of their experiences as well.

from Miramir.com:

A cool quote by Rebecca Eanes
copyright to respectful owner:

"Does being in a narcissistic relationship make you feel like you can't make a mistake?"
by psychologist Ramani Durvasula:

I thought this video by Scott Bassett was worthwhile (narcissists can't love

and don't really know what to do with it):

Here is another video by Scott Bassett explaining why narcissists need you to feel

that they can live without you, that they are not dependent on anyone

(basically it is fear-based because admitting to themselves

that they need relationships makes them feel weak, inferior and out of command):

why narcissistic abuse can hurt so much

name of art: "Effects of Child Abuse"

image is © Lise Winne

watercolor, ink and graphics, 2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

People in healthy relationships work out differences by adopting these practices: "I am sorry." "I forgive you." "I want to understand what happened." "Let's work it out." "I want this relationship to work out, so let's talk it out." "I'm trying to understand where you are coming from." "Do we understand each other? I think that is what is most important right now before we hammer out a solution." "I know you are hurt, but I honestly didn't mean to do that." "I love you. The love is so much stronger than either of our agendas. So I hope there is a compromise we can both live with." "I'd love to resolve this with you so that we are both mostly satisfied, even if we can't be all satisfied." "This is a relationship. That means both of us have to be heard and considered." "You are so precious to me. I would love to work this out with you." "We can resolve this."  "I'm so glad we can talk things out." "Let's make up!"

Most relationships fall into that category. It's what most people expect when they are in new relationships too. Which is why it throws a lot of us off guard when we encounter narcissists.

There is a huge difference in the way conflicts are approached when you are with a narcissist.

Narcissists work out differences by going on the attack. They have reprimanding sessions. Their favorite phrase is "You have a vivid imagination." Other attacks include: "I always knew you were crazy!" "I would never say that!" "It's your fault." "You are to blame for ALL of this!" "You know what's wrong with you? I'll tell you!" "You need to learn a lesson!" "I don't care if this relationship works out or it doesn't. I just don't want to hear any more." "If you say one more thing ..." "You need to apologize!" "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer!" "If that's the way you feel, I'm warning you! You'll pay for it!" "I'm sorry you feel that way." (coldly). "You're better than that!" "Wow! You need to get a grip!" "Ha! Ha! Guess what? I don't care!" "You're a spawn of the devil!" "How dare you!!"

Big difference!

And this is not all! Narcissists love (and I mean LOVE) the silent treatment as a weapon. Every time you want to talk normal, in a healthy way, you are met with a barrage of more reprimanding, blaming, stonewalling, patronizing, insults, goading and the sulking silent treatment unless you say exactly what the narcissist wants to hear. Except you'll never know what they want to hear because they are notorious for saying, "It should be obvious!" or "As if you didn't know!" They think everyone should read their minds! So, it is a guessing game. If you don't get the guess right, they just give you more of the silent treatment. It is more indicative of how three year olds act when they do not have good communication skills and want an adult to understand what they are feeling and thinking at all times.

If that wasn't enough, they also expect you to apologize when they've abused you. You are supposed to feel that they can't help but be abusive, that you have to give them a different set of moral standards than they give you. They think that all of their abusive tendencies are because it's someone else's fault and because everyone else except them is flawed and is deeply provoking to the narcissist. That is why they are personality disordered: their view of the world is that they are perfect and no one else is, so everything that goes wrong, even if it goes a little wrong, the blame has to go away from them and onto someone else. When they feel someone is to blame, they retaliate in the most destructive way they can, and feel their victim deserves it. They are teflon people with huge egos.

They have been known to be totally shocked and surprised when therapists tell them they are not so special, that they are not better than others. They have also been known to be just as dumbfounded  when they've committed a crime and told they are as culpable and responsible for it as anyone who commits the same crime.

So, the result is that you can't work things out. The narcissist doesn't want to work things out; all he (or she) wants is for you to realize that your stature is lower than his, that you don't deserve equal treatment or to be considered, and that he has a right to belittle you, berate you, lecture you, insult you, dominate you, enslave you to his agenda and abuse you.

In the meantime, you are expected to walk on paper thin eggshells so that he doesn't attack you further.

People who have been brought up in normal households, mostly walk away from relationships with narcissists. Their parents have taught them good boundaries and what respect and understanding sounds like. When you grow up with addicted, neglectful, traumatized, psychologically disordered, abusive, borderline, narcissistic or sociopathic parents, your parents never taught you good boundaries, and your radar for sensing toxicity in a potential partner is compromised. Additionally, if you have been brought up as the scapegoat (where blame for everything that goes wrong in the family is heaped on you), or shaming (which is emotional abuse designed to make you feel worthless) or to feel you are flawed, then your guilt about it can override your boundaries. This is how narcissists slip into your life. Once they are in your life, they wreak havoc, bring misery and trauma, and they can even destroy you. And then you have to figure out how to safely extricate yourself from them (and make no mistake about it, safety is a big concern as perpetrators escalate violence when their target is just leaving, or right after the target has left).

The trauma is what is hardest to get over. Your "We can work it out" healthy attitudes are taken advantage of, stepped all over, and in the end, crucified. "We can work it out" in effect is met with an implied "You are crap! How dare you not capitulate to me!" or "How dare you criticize me!"

"We can work it out" should only be met with "Yes, we can work it out." If it is anything other than that, you are probably dealing with a toxic disordered person.

For a list of cluster B personality disorders that practice abuse and domestic violence go here.

To understand why narcissistic silent treatments are abuse and can cause trauma in their victims (C-PTSD), go here.

To understand why most abusers do not want to change the way they behave, go here.

If you think that you won't be abused if you do everything your abuser wants at all times, and that you are willing to be saintly and altruistic, think again and go here (abuse tends to escalate no matter what, and especially if you become docile, passive and don't fight for yourself).

Most abusers attack you on many levels: verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, by triangulating, by raging and blaming, by expecting from you perfect execution of words and feelings that they approve of, through gaslighting, through blame-shifting and projection, through gossip and smear campaigns, through isolation tactics, through denouncing your feelings, through financial abuse or underhanded financial competition, through erroneous blaming, through any kind of injustice they can think of, through hypocrisy, and finally by pretending to be the victim of you. If your parent is abusive, they will most likely be playing nasty favoritism games between you and your siblings too, in addition to all of these attacks. If you are married, they are most likely putting you through love triangles. And if all of this is not enough, they get a gleeful attitude, a bounce in their step, a happy smile, which they try to make known to their target (victim) in any way they can -- in other words they "get off" on being abusive and getting away with abuse.

sign #1

Hopelessness coupled with the trauma of having been abused, is why it hurts so much. Depression, sadness and internalized anger are often the outcomes.

I found this on Peace's facebook page (he has written a number of books under that pseudonym):

remember children:

How dangerous is my abuser? How do I get out of an abusive relationship?

name of art: "The Black Hole of Abuse"

image is © Lise Winne

india ink, watercolor and graphics, 2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) gmail.com)

(Note: I discuss more on detecting dangers in this post about Escalation of Abuse, With Discussions on Why It Happens, What to Do About It and How Dangerous It Is) 

Do you ever feel like you're in a black hole of abuse? That it just gets worse and worse no matter what you do or say? That is because an abuser tends to escalate.

Am I in danger?

If you feel you are in danger, you probably are in danger. It is important to get to a domestic violence center or shelter right away. Make every effort to keep your abuser from knowing where you are going. From there the center can help you get the help you need in the way of counseling, shelter, child care, financial assistance, legal assistance and advice. It's the first step to turning your life around.

You can also go to this post from CBS News on the 16 questions officers ask in order to determine whether you are at risk for being killed. Note: being choked, even if only a little by your abuser, or mock choking (having both hands around your neck), is on the top of the list in terms of your risk.

Jealousy is also on that list (almost all abusers are jealous, but it depends on how they express their jealousy, i.e. how much control they want over you and the things that you do, and how much they want to isolate you from others in determining how much immediate and imminent danger you are in).

Another thing that should be on that list, in my opinion, is erroneous punishing (punishing you for a look on your face, a tone in your voice, punishing you for a glance at something or someone, punishing you for a word or phrase they didn't like, and so on: a lot of initial domestic violence therapy starts with this phenomenon).

I will be doing posts on jealousy, isolation from others via smear campaigns, gaslighting, walking on eggshells, trauma bonding and erroneous blaming and other tactics of the abuser soon.

How do I know I am in danger?

Victims can be very bad at assessing how dangerous their situation is because many of them develop some form of Stockholm Syndrome (link here and here) and they can normalize abuse in their minds. Normalizing abuse means victims taking responsibility for how their abusers treat them and make them feel.

Some people do not realize that the subtler forms of abuse are indeed, abuse. Here are a few of them:

gaslighting: does your partner say "I would never do that!" "I would never say that!" "You're crazy!" consistently during or after heated debates, or an argument, or after discussing an uncomfortable subject? This is a subtle form of gaslighting that usually gets worse over time.

financial abuse: rewarding you when your abuser thinks you are good and withdrawing money or punishing you by not letting you have access to money when your abuser thinks you are bad. This tactic is only for little children. Even then, it can have some adverse effects as sibling rivalry and chronic sibling abuse can be the by-products of rewards and punishments that go with consistent and enforced over-compliance of children. If an adult is doing this to another adult in a close personal relationship, make no question about it: it is abuse.

blaming you for everything that is going wrong in the relationship: Most abusers will blame and blame-shift all responsibility for what goes wrong in your relationship on you. If they hear excuses, defenses, explanations and deflections, they will spend their time trying to persuade you otherwise. This goes for all kinds of abuse, whether verbal, emotional, physical or sexual. In addition, most murderers either claim they are innocent, or that their victims had it coming.

the silent treatment:  The silent treatment is always emotionally abusive, especially in close personal relationships if it follows a heated argument, a debate, or after discussing an uncomfortable subject, or when someone threatens punishment. The other person gets angry and then refuses to talk to you, shutting you out when you want to resolve it, when you attempt to discuss it further, when you rationalize and reason with the person, when you apologize or tell them you did not mean to hurt them, or when attempts to find a time and place to discuss the topic that brought on the silent treatment are rebuffed.
On average, most silent treatments last from 24 hours to two days (for people who are not personality-disordered).
For those who do have personality disorders, read on:
Borderlines vacillate wildly between thinking their loved ones are all saints or all evil, and when they feel their loved one is all bad, giving the silent treatment can be the end result, until the pendulum swings the other way yet again, depending on what their mood is (their moods and overwhelming emotions dictate how they feel about a person, and it rarely has to do with what their loved ones are doing or saying).
Narcissists use the silent treatment when they think they are being criticized. Like Borderlines, they are also very prone to black and white thinking about their loved ones, though they do it in a much more cold scheming way than Borderlines. Narcissistic silent treatments last, on average, for three months. The longer they last, or the more chronic they are, the more narcissistic and dangerous the abuser is (in general). Narcissists who use the silent treatment, use it in such a way as to control, threaten, intimidate, dominate and punish.
Antisocials (sociopaths) use the silent treatment in order to achieve what they want, but if they see it isn't working, they move onto another tactic they think will better achieve their goals. Unlike Narcissists who go to great lengths to impress people, sociopaths don't particularly care whether people like them and tend to be loners who spend an inordinate amount of time on their next move. While the silent treatment is used by them in the same way as narcissists, sociopaths are much more determined and persevering and spend time during the silent treatment planning and plotting elaborate schemes (whereas narcissists tend to stop thinking about their victims once their victims fight back; they move swiftly onto the next supply/victim). Narcissists do as much damage as they can get away with without committing a crime, whereas sociopaths don't care if they commit a crime or not so long as they achieve their goals. They do not feel remorse when they are caught torturing others or committing crimes. They tend to go after pets, children and weakened or needy adults. They have little to no connection with their past, whether family or friends.
In school anti-bullying seminars, children are taught that the silent treatment is 3 year old behavior, where if Suzy-Q doesn't get her way in the sandbox, and her friend isn't playing exactly as she wants, she gives that friend the silent treatment. In other words, the silent treatment is regarded as very immature behavior.
But be forewarned: the silent treatment in a close personal relationship is very, very abusive and destructive and you can get PTSD from it just as easily as most forms of physical violence and sexual abuse.

pushing and shoving: pushing and shoving can happen in a relationship with siblings, or between rivals at a school, or between a husband and wife. In the case of children, it is often thought to be normal childhood behavior, especially by the more unenlightened over 65 generation than the generations predominant today. It is not. Children who are being bullied and physically abused by a sibling can be removed from the home by Child Protective Services.
School bullies can also be removed from the school.
It is especially not acceptable behavior between adults. If someone came up to you on a street and starting pushing and shoving you, it would be illegal and you could have them arrested. Why should it be viewed any differently in the home?
If a husband, wife, parent or sibling is pushing and shoving you, know that it is abuse. Abusers who push and shove can escalate very fast into life-threatening forms of violence (this is especially true when abusers are under the influence of alcohol).

I discuss many other types of abuse here.

One reason victims normalize abuse is that they grow accustomed to excuses from their perpetrators: "I had a bad day and I was irritated at you for not doing ---", "Every time I ask you to do something, you can never do it right, so I had to treat you like that", "You didn't do the dishes, so I smashed up the kitchen", "I may have a bad temper, but it is the best I can do, and you are lucky to have me", "You always make my blood boil with your excuses, and I had to do that to you to get you to behave", "Anyone would do that to you", "You're nothing. If you were somebody, I'd treat you better", "I can't stand you. You deserve to be treated like this", "When I ask you to do something, I expect it to be done. If you don't do it, you'll pay, and that is all there is to it", "You are to blame for how I treat you", "If you are going to be a bitch, you'll get hurt", "You are to blame for everything! If you were blameless I wouldn't treat you like this", "How dare you challenge me!", "Stop with your complaining! You know you deserved to be hurt", "You're so much better than that to accuse me. If you didn't accuse me, then I wouldn't have found a need to hurt you", "If you stop complaining and criticizing me, then I won't hurt you any more. If you continue, you will pay, and pay dearly!", "Punch you!? It was just a little scratch!", "Give you the silent treatment? You could have broken it at any time if you just did what we demanded of you!", "That look on your face! You deserved to be punished! And we'd do it again", "How dare you cross me or question me!", "I deserve not to be criticized! If you continue to criticize what I do or say, you will pay, there will be serious consequences!", "If you don't do what I want, you are nothing to me!", "I have given you so much, and because of that I have a right to slip up every now and then. Everyone has a temper", "If you had shown more gratitude, you might have been entitled to better treatment, but because you didn't show enough gratitude, you don't deserve to be treated well",  "If you had done what I expected of you, I wouldn't have taken off -- or stolen from you -- or hit you -- or given you the silent treatment", "You're afraid of him? You should be shaking hands with that guy! You should be grateful, because you're a big, fat loser that nobody in their right mind would want!", "If you leave me, you will pay and pay and pay for it for the rest of your life!"

This is how you get Stockholm Syndrome, from listening to all of this crap (which happens to be psychological abuse) -- and letting it work on your mind so that you believe it. Abusers love to isolate their victims and keep them from hearing other perspectives (they use threats to make their victims comply, or they try to convince their victims that they are disabled or crazy, thereby putting the seed in their victim's mind that they need the perpetrator to help them). If all that you hear all day is how inferior and crazy you are, you tend to believe it. This is brainwashing; abusers use it right from the get-go, even at the luring stage. You are being groomed not to question, not to investigate, not to see hypocrisy, not to challenge bad treatment and dishonesty, to think of yourself as undeserving of love, respect, autonomy, financial independence, equality, talent and having a voice in matters which effect you. What you are really being groomed for, underneath all of the excuses for abuse is ... slavery.

Your abuser doesn't want to share power with you, he wants you to be subservient, so he puts you down. If you show autonomy or try to get your abuser to be reasonable towards you, he rises to the occasion to exert more control and domination over you. Verbal and psychological abuse are the first ways he tries to keep you down, and if he can't get anywhere with that, escalates the abuse. The escalations include financial abuse, emotional abuse, slander, breaking property, trying to keep you isolated, physical abuse, stealing, rough unwanted sex, forcing you into situations which are either unwanted or dangerous.

In the end, you are having a relationship with a dictator, not an equal.

Abuse is about someone wanting power, control and domination over you and purposely hurting and bullying you to get it. Lack of discipline over their emotions, lack of anger management is just a by-product of it all (used to terrorize you). Most abusers manage their anger just fine when there are witnesses about.
   
Have I done the right thing?

If you have trouble feeling as though you've done the right thing in getting out of an abusive relationship, read this post on how one person solved all of the inevitable doubts and desires to go back for one last try.

The experience a lot of victims feel is that once they begin to grow in self-worth and self-respect, they outgrow feeling victimized, and their systems won't tolerate abuse anymore anyway. It takes awhile to get there, especially if you have PTSD as a result of being abused (PTSD is easier to get than you would think!). The quality of life can be so much better when you are not under the siege of abuse. Many therapists find that victims become particularly productive members of society! You may have become conditioned to work really really hard for minute hopeful glimmers of respect or love. Imagine when you put that energy into something healthy, reciprocal and worthwhile! No more being dominated! No more walking on eggshells! It's just you and your productivity!

How to get an abuser disinterested in you:

(note: Don't try this with someone who is violent, has damaged your personal property in a rage, has or is stalking you, or has threatened you in any way, even financially or emotionally -- in these cases it is imperative to get help from a domestic violence center)

If you want to get gradual distance from your abuser, and have them understand that having a relationship with you won't be fulfilling for them, you can practice the gray rock method by Donna Anderson. The premise is that psychopaths want and need excitement. They want something from you at all times. They are driven by incredible feelings of envy, jealousy, selfishness and revenge, and most of all they want what you want! They love to see you either worshiping them, or upset and groveling! They love to abuse you! If you pretend that you are insufferably boring, emotionless, colorless, blending into the background, they will leave you alone. It is a way of camouflaging your brilliance, your sparkly personality, your intense interests. You pretend to be under the weather, a weary, dreary gray person, like a boring gray rock in a pile with other gray rocks. It is a tactic many animals and birds use when there is a predator about.

Another tactic birds use when they are attacked by a cat, for instance, is to lie still and pretend to be dead. The cat may let go of his prey briefly while he plays with it, or to make sure it is truly dead. Often the bird looks very dead, with a wobbly head, half closed dazed eyes. When the cat realizes that the bird is no longer moving and that it can't be played with, and shows disappointment and distraction, this is often when the bird surprises, takes flight and escapes. Human beings sometimes use the same practice unconsciously when they are trying to escape their abusers. Appearing sick, withdrawn, unattractive and overly compliant before making an escape is not only good planning, it is preferable for safety reasons too.

There are a lot of forums on the web about how to handle predatory family members, for instance. It is generally agreed upon that predators who are out to dominate, hurt and damage you, are happy and disinterested in you when they think you are suffering. They are also prone to leave you alone when you have nothing, when you are at the lowest point of your life, reeling with unsuccessful ventures, sick or impoverished. They love to discard you when you are at your lowest point, or when they find you boring and stuck in a rut.

When you are flying high in your career, love life or social life, you might be very tempted to rub their noses in it, but many forum users warn against doing that. When your abuser sees you in the spotlight is often when they worry that you will outshine them. This is when they get into stalker mode. I have read many forums now, and it is obvious that if given a choice between being stalked (and sweet talked) over the silent treatment, most victims would rather get the silent treatment any day, hands down.

In operation-stalk, abusers and narcissists either try to interfere with your success through slander and sabotage, or they come at you with apologies, crocodile tears and feigned interest in helping you. They may even apologize profusely to you for all of the hurt they caused you in the past just to get inside your life to screw you all up again. This is far more dangerous than their keeping the silent treatment going indefinitely with you. Why? Because when you reject their overtures of luring and seduction, which they put a great deal of stock into, they look at it as extremely unflattering and provoking if you do not take the bait. They've painstakingly rehearsed for the job, gone over how it will work many times in their heads, they've planned every step. In their mind they are deserving of the highest form of adulation and reward. Flattery is everything to them, and they are flattery addicts (they punish when criticized, and reward for being flattered -- more about that in another post). Their charming-glomming-you're everything hook which they put so cleverly in your path is left hanging there in a big sea or expanse with no one around, it is just a hook dangling there, unwanted. How dare you not desire them! How dare you walk away from them when they are so special! How dare you make them think about how they abused you in the past when they have tried so hard to give you a too-little-too-late apology! So, punishing you for not taking their bait overwhelms their thoughts. Their resentments run to extreme levels in their minds, and very often they retaliate more than they ever have.

In fact, they want you to accept them with open arms and no questions asked. They want very badly to punish you for letting them go, for not groveling to their silent treatments, insults and emotional abuses, for not being seduced by their tears, pleading, apologizing, rehearsed schemes, and at some point they may make their ambitions to hurt you and destroy you a reality. If they can! Some of them want notoriety, even if it is of the bad kind or criminal kind. They will never let their resentments towards you go until they feel they have adequately damaged you again. Unless by a very slim chance, they wake up (I discuss why this is unlikely at the end of the post).

They get into your life ... only to take you down again, and again, giving you plenty of bad advice and gaslighting through all phases. The best thing you can do around abusers in terms of talking about your promotions and successes is to downplay them, and find something to complain about. Complaining is another form of camouflaging and wearing gray. A lot of scapegoats who grew up with an abusive parent do this unconsciously, as a way to reward the parent by appearing uninteresting and very low in stature, so that the parent doesn't escalate abuse (they tend to escalate when they think a scapegoat is rising up in station or his voice is being heard in some corner of the family). From reading forums, it is clear that most scapegoats find a way to escape their oppressive family environments by slipping away unnoticed, keeping contact only through phone calls and writing, steering conversations to subjects like cooking, crafts, travel, car repair, home decorating and nature, never getting into the hot topics, never telling a parent where they are moving to.

The point is to let an abuser think that you are no big deal so that they will continue to see you as someone beneath them, leave you alone, and go on their merry way.

Another analogy is that it is like owning a house in an unpretentious neighborhood, keeping the outside of your house looking like a dump, all in order not to draw attention to what you have inside. This is in order to keep your property taxes down. The reality is that some places with lower taxes are a palace inside! This is the kind of masking that works wonders around people who are out to hurt you too.

Abusers also generally hate therapy. If you suggest that the only way for your relationship to survive is to get healthy through a therapy process with a domestic abuse counselor, he will most likely refuse to go, and not be able to withstand it if he does go (more on this in the next segment). He will show you that he will go off with someone else rather than go to therapy, and if you cannot take any more abuse without him seeing a counselor, making an ultimatum about therapy may work to your benefit as long as the relationship hasn't entered the physical abuse stage.

Is there any way to save the relationship without me getting abused again? Can't they just change?

I have discussed some of this topic in this post.

There are several huge challenges abusers have to overcome and many abusers are simply are not up to the task, and would rather just run to the next stop-gap person they have trained their minds to idealize rather than face difficult issues and problems.

lack of empathy or no empathy at all: Most abusers have very little empathy. Their empathy may be hidden in the far depths of their brain from when they were abused as children, or empathy may be totally lacking in their brain chemistry, or it may be hidden because they cannot believe or refuse to believe they are anything except exceptional and omnipotent to the point where people should admire, praise and love them no matter what, even if it means being endlessly abused by them, and sitting through their constant blaming-shaming sessions. There have been many studies indicating that brain chemistry and/or damage plays a part in how much empathy a person feels.
Many abusers don't experience empathy. They have no idea that empathy is a strong emotion like sadness, anger, laughing at jokes, and so on. In most of the population empathy is pronounced. In many abusers it is so dead that they spend their lives approximating normal behavior. They have to fake empathy to survive in society. How well they fake it, how well the acting job is, determines how much they slap themselves on the back for a job well done. They use their acting skills, in fact, as young children, and every time they meet a new person. If they think a person is worthwhile, they use it as part of their luring strategies. In fact, many abusers espouse civil rights, peace, women's liberation, equal pay for equal work, a women's right to choose, Head Start, the Peace Corp, liberal causes, but are tyrants and terrorists in their own households (most abusers are hypocrites).
By the time these personality-disordered individuals reach adulthood, they are adept at the vocal tones, the reaching out to comfort, the cock of the head to indicate they are empathetic people -- except they aren't at all. They get away so much with acting empathetic, that they learn to lie about many other things too. They use a myriad of tools to keep themselves unaccountable and blameless at all times including blame-shifting (blaming victims of abuse), rebutting, twisting, denying, condescending, deflecting, brandishing shock and anger, endless shaming sessions with their victims, gaslighting, slander and other tactics. Many abusers have the mentality of three year olds when it comes to how they conduct themselves in relationships.
Imagine what it is like to have no empathy. What is left is memory, the reasoning part of the mind, planning, containing facts, strategies to get what you need and want, dreams. Empathy puts the brakes on the predatory, selfish part of the mind. It makes us not only think of consequences, it makes us want to take care of others, it makes us want to ease suffering, and appreciate peace and understanding between ourselves and others. Some people are born with a lot of empathy; they live to help others. Without empathy, the human race would be in a perpetual state of war. Over-reactions and revenge would be the norm. It is doubtful we could even survive as a race.
Narcissism doesn't discriminate, even when it comes to narcissists' offspring. A lot of narcissists treat their children so badly that children get the message that they only exist to be dutiful sycophants who say yes to everything the parent wants.
"Honor thy Mother and Father" does not mean "Obey thy Mother and Father."
Many writers on abuse hypothesize that abusers and narcissists feel jealousy more intensely than the rest of the general population because they sometimes do have an inkling that they are not quite normal. On some level abusers and narcissists know others around them aren't just faking empathy, and they feel inadequate, secretive and guarded around them. They may actually be jealous of people with deep empathy, integrity and honesty. Abusers have been known to be very attracted to people who are exceptionally empathetic and honest, who wear their emotions on their sleeve, who fight for rights and causes (as I have written about in this post). While they like the team aspects of working with other abusers, they don't feel comfortable with them because on some level they realize abusers are all back-stabbers, jockeying for position, using a fake facade and lying to get what they want and just as likely to prey upon other abusers if there are no empaths around for the taking. This means they are always looking for more supply and acceptance from people with innocence, integrity, empathy, passivity, honor and prestige.
Abusers and narcissists tend to look at people in their lives as useful or non-useful, rather than as separate individuals who are fascinating and lovable because of differences. If a relationship doesn't appear to be a useful tool to the abuser any more, the abuser treats his victim like a broken toy, worthy of throwing away and abandoning, and goes shopping for another new one.
Toys that talk back are particularly irritating to abusers. That is why they feel rewarded and gleeful when their victims express sadness and hurt. "Bad toy! It should have known better when I was playing with its marionette strings, not to break, so it now deserves to be thrown away! Who cares if it gets more broken; it is broken already and I don't feel like fixing it, especially if it is going to talk back at me or fight against my manipulations!" That is the gist of how they regard others; again, it is 3 year old behavior.
In fact, if hurting you makes your perpetrator feel energized, powerful, smug and satisfied, you are probably dealing with a personality-disordered person. Normal people will act with concern if they hurt you; at the very least they will have a troubled look, they will say that they didn't mean to hurt you, and they will even listen to why you feel hurt, even if some criticism is involved in the telling (all without attacking you for it!).
If the abuser cannot feel empathy, how will he ever be a full partner in a relationship? With no empathy, the best you can hope for is more of the same: a relationship with an unfeeling, uncaring dictator. All the therapy in the world cannot correct his damaged brain or personality.
Having said that, some perpetrators do want to work on themselves (but only a very tiny percentage of them: some estimates put it at one percent of all perpetrators who voluntarily enter programs). In the mind of the perpetrator most relationships and people aren't worth the hard work, and they find therapy to be too grueling because they are criticized by therapists for being unfeeling, uncaring and exploitative. Therapists are focused on health and well being for everyone in a family or partnership, not on making one person happy, or saving a relationship that is beyond the point of ever being healthy.
Perpetrators mostly take the easy road: they avoid therapy, self reflection or working on anything by blaming, and if that doesn't work, abandoning their relationships and prowling around for a replacement relationship and person, hoping this time their toy soul mate won't talk back if it gets broken. Thus begins another idealize the new love stage (many abusers are in a constant vicious cycle of idealize, devalue and discard, always swapping out one victim/conquest for another).

pathologically jealous: Most abusers have jealousy that is off the charts (in other words, much more than the general population). For most of them, they feel it all of the time, whether it is in a mild version, or a over-the-top version. This is something they can't seem to control, and there is not much you can do or say to talk them out of a jealous perspective. In fact, if you try to talk them out of it, they have a tendency to think that you are trying to cover up the plan of "getting away from them". In other words, they tend to think you are lying. That is because they are constantly looking for more narcissistic supply, so it is a projection kind of thing. One reason they criticize and threaten you so much (and they are very much aware when you are listening to them when they are doing this), is to lower your self esteem to the point where you will believe that you don't deserve any better treatment than you are getting from them.
That is how they isolate you, by getting you under their control with endless criticizing and threats.
Even if you do everything you can to placate them, even if you agree to be isolated and micromanaged, it will be short-lived, because they live with simmering jealousy all of the time. Jealousy is part of their disorder and has nothing to do with what you do or don't do to reassure them.

addicted to flattery: As I mentioned before, most abusers, with the exception of sociopaths, are addicted to flattery (reward for flattery, punish when they feel criticized). Like all addicts, they lie to hide their addiction; they put feeding their addiction first before anything including any relationship, any personal honor or any cause. If they feel someone else will give them more flattery, more prestige and more unquestioning praise, they will drop their present relationships abruptly and without thought to pursue the high they get from a more effective sycophant. You mean nothing, except how much of your autonomy you are willing to give away to them, and how much flattery you are willing to give them, and how much abuse you are willing to take from them. You are not allowed to tell them that they have hurt you, without them either gloating about it, or going into a rage (because you telling them that they hurt you deeply challenges their flattery addiction).
How are they going to be able to withstand therapy with a therapist who will not flatter them? How will they be able to withstand a therapist who will focus on how they conduct themselves in relationships that is unhealthy for them and the people around them? Let's not forget: they think they are perfect and that everyone else is the problem! How will they be able to withstand critiquing, which is what therapy is about and what therapists do? The therapist's job is to get them on a diet of respectful caring responses so that they don't die of a heart attack, or broken heart, or give others a broken heart (with accompanying PTSD!). When perpetrators start World War III over even the slightest possibility of a critique, how long can they realistically last in therapy? How will they be able to stand someone peering into their psyche and childhood? How will they be able to transition out of blaming everyone else for what has gone wrong in their lives to having self reflection, especially if they have been dominating, adversarial and smug their entire lives?
Unless they want all of that peering and prodding and critiquing, it is hopeless.
An addiction to flattery makes therapy so much more challenging than any other addiction, because therapy is a direct bulls-eye challenge to it.

incapable or totally resistant to self reflection: Because they are addicted to flattery and are intolerant of anything that might sound like criticism, they are resistant to self reflection. See above.

a long history of being abusive: It is hard to get them to change from reacting to interpersonal problems with more healthy approaches. If they used the silent treatment to solve an interpersonal problem, they now have to change that to "I care how you feel, I care about our relationship, I care about resolving this with you and I'm going to stay in the conversation until it is resolved so that we can both live with the outcome comfortably." How many abusers do you know that find the latter approach at all palatable? Don't they always want to escalate abuse when there is an interpersonal problem instead of working it out, being caring and reasonable?
Don't forget that they don't feel empathy, so it is pretty impossible for them to say, "I care about you and your feelings, and I don't want to hurt you." The message more often is: "It's your fault that ----, you are to blame for ----, if you weren't so crazy and sensitive, you wouldn't be in this pickle ---, it's too bad you are so sensitive ---, I'm warning you, there will be consequences for feeling ---, if you don't fix this for me in the way I want, I am leaving ---, okay, I'm not dealing with your feelings because you are crazy."
The former paragraph is the healthy response and the latter is the disordered response.
Abusers feel they have to see everyone that challenges them as crazy, otherwise they cannot go about in peace with their addictions to flattery and idealizing potential sycophants. How likely is it that your abuser will treat you with respect when his mind tells him that he has to see you as crazy to feel that he is justified in behaving the way he does?
Also, how likely is it that your abuser is going to be able to go from the silent treatment and insults into caring, committed responses? Does he show any signs that he wants to be caring instead of being bullying and controlling? Does he show any signs of wanting to stop being punishing towards others when he doesn't get his way?
While a therapist can do a lot, the desire to change has to come from inside the abuser. It is a long history that has to be rehabilitated.
Do you have the patience while he or she goes through years of rehab and anger management classes, if that is what it takes?
What if he goes for a year, all the while espousing all of the wonderful things therapy is doing for him, and then he relapses back to his old ways, telling you that you were at fault the whole time, that he just went to therapy to see what it was like, to see what drivel you were believing in, and because he wanted to get you off of his back about it, that he never believed in any of it anyway, that therapy is only a big conspiracy plot? Can you live with the time invested, with how it all failed in the end?

Further reading:

How to Leave a Narcissist: Four key things to expect (step by step) -- from the Narcissists, Sociopaths and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My! blog

This Is What Happens When You ‘Discard’ An Abusive Narcissist First -- by popular author, Shahida Arabi

Practical Implications of Current Domestic Violence Research: For Law Enforcement, Prosecutors and Judges - The Department of Justice

Attorneys:

There are attorneys who understand narcissism and how the law can help you (by state) if you ever need a divorce, restraining orders and the like.

http://www.eleanorbrownn.com/

what is the personality makeup of an abuser?

name of cartoon/illustration: The Narcissist

image is ©2014 Lise Winne

(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

(note: for further reading about what constitutes abuse, including more on the personality of abusers, and whether they can be rehabilitated, go to this post). 

SOME TELL TALE SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
WITH AN ABUSIVE NARCISSIST:
(note: some active addicts display traits of abusive narcissism too)

1. Retaliates and punishes you for confronting them (or even for hinting at criticism)

2. Can never be wrong or they will be enraged

2. Diminishes and downgrades your feelings while being hyper sensitive if their feelings are hurt

3. When you beg a normal person to stop hurting you, they do, while narcissists love to take the opportunity to hurt you more

4. Pries into your feelings, thoughts and what you do to save it up to use it against you later while keeping their own motives, thoughts and feelings close to the chest

5. Plays favoritism games: is overly sweet and kind to one person while scapegoating and vilifying another

6. Will do anything to keep up an image even if they have to lie and reject you to do it

7. Believes they are more special than others and entitled to special treatment

8. Often sweet to strangers, but abusive to family members

9. Arrogant

I liked these power point presentations by Jeni Mawter on the subject:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

Red Flags to Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Moving on From Narcissistic Abuse

According to this article abusers come with several personality disorders: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder.  

Abusive mothers: This article (from my favorite source of identifying emotional abuse) and this article from Parrish Miller underlines some of the characteristics of abusive mothers. These include the following: secretive, keeps motives and plans close to the chest, violates boundaries and tries to keep you from having autonomy, plays favorites with one child and scapegoats another child, encourages the favored child to abuse the scapegoat, is never wrong about anything, minimizes or invalidates feelings and experiences, you are responsible for her feelings but she is never responsible for your feelings, hypocritical, whistle blowing by any of her children unleashes severe punishment and threats to remain silent, undermines, criticizes, demeans, denigrates, she makes you look crazy or insane as a tactic to gain control, smears you, lies and aggrandizes herself in stories about herself, overly sensitive to any criticism however small, extremely defensive, teaches her children to be wary of her wrath, will get even unless she is placated by getting what she wants, petty and punitive, exploitative, shaming and blaming, attention-seeking, and if she loses everyone and everything in the process of becoming so ruthless and abusive can become pathetic (and weepy  -- "Why does everyone hate me?"). From my reading, mothers seem to fall into the Narcissistic form of personality disorder than the other disorders mentioned.

Abusive fathers: Abusive fathers have some of the same traits as abusive mothers, but there are also traits that are exceptional to fathers. This article explains what they are. Some differences include perceiving wife and children as his personal property, children being disowned for disappointing him, putting career and interests above family, blaming his failures on others, rage that is often more violent and physical than abusive mothers display, makes promises only to consistently disappoint, has to be right and in control at all times, shames his children in front of others. Sexual abuse, slandering and stalking is much more prevalent among abusive fathers than abusive mothers.    

Abusive siblings: This article explains that sibling abuse can be sexual, physical, emotional or verbal. Abuse thrives in environments where there is parental favoritism, or when parents are emotionally withdrawn and unavailable, neglectful, absentee, are not positive role models of conflict resolution or are abusive towards children themselves. This article explains the difference between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse. Sibling abuse can lead to the abuser lacking empathy and having narcissistic qualities while the victim often has low self esteem and depression. I discuss sibling abuse in depth in this post.

Abusive male partners: This article cites some of the warning signs of male abusers with female abusers: jealousy, controlling behavior (which includes having to know every detail of your movements and life, trying to control your decisions), quick romantic sweep-you-off-your-feet obsession and involvement, blame-shifting for problems, blame-shifting for feelings, hypersensitivity, cruelty to animals or children (or anyone in a weakened position), playful use of force in sex, use of isolation as a control tactic, the word "consequence" is used during an argument, downgrading of others so that victim has doubts about others and will look to abuser for validation, verbal abuse, Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde personality, alcoholism or substance abuse, history of battering or sexual violence, negative attitude toward women, threatening violence, breaking or striking objects, use of force and intimidation during an argument. 

Abusive female partners: This article makes it clear that forty percent of all domestic violence disputes in Britain come from cases where the male is the victim. This article from Wikipedia says that it is probably under-reported because of stigma. This article and this article cite the same kinds of issues and patterns of abusive behavior that males exhibit. As with the men, it is also about power and control. However these characteristics are more prevalent in abusive female partners than male partners: for physical violence it manifests in terms of slapping and shoving, unreasonable jealousy, possessiveness, blames the victim for acts of aggression when she is the one who is perpetrating the abuse, blames the victim for having affairs when she is the one who is having affairs, paints her partner out to be a sex offender or domestic violence offender or gay or a philanderer, spreads rumors and lies, when she is criticized or feels hurt retaliates by having affairs or breaking things, uses the word "consequence" during arguments with the victim, fakes or inflicts injuries upon herself to get attention, over-spends or steals money from the victim, can never resolve disputes without having the upper hand. Tends to be more narcissistic than male abusers. Women are also much more likely to admit to abusing their men as evidenced by this British article.    

Abusive co-workers: Work place bullying has been linked to a rash of suicides as this article claims. This article claims that co-worker abuse and bullying can take many forms including taking credit for things you did, standing too close for comfort, gossiping behind your back, ostracism from lunches and parties and other worker hangouts, criticism for your performance, damaging or smearing your reputation, taking your ideas and presenting them to the boss, constantly bringing up your mistakes. Bullying at work is hard to combat. This article states that in 81 percent of cases, nothing appears to be done about the bullying (data compiled from workers who fill out surveys about their work place environment). This article states that many workers who complain about being bullied are let go whereas the bully is allowed to remain and often gets promoted. 

Abusive bosses: Huffington Post has a number of posts on how to deal with an abusive boss. However in the long run it can effect your overall physical and emotional health. This article gives you ways to think about whether you should remain in a job with a difficult boss. This Forbes article tells how to deal with an abrasive boss. I find it interesting that there are hundreds of internet articles on how to deal with an abusive boss and keep your job, but not a lot of articles that say it is plainly wrong to be abused by superiors in the workplace. Even psychology articles are written in such a way as to help workers find a way to put up with abuse through meditation, yoga, mental practices while you are being berated and screamed at and how to calm the situation with compassionate responses. Bull! Why the double standard? Why are bosses given free rein to bully, abuse and intimidate, but parents, siblings, partners and co-workers are looked at as aberrant and unnatural if they abuse? Interesting!! And not right...