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June 23: edited my post on Gaslighting to insert a link to a very good video by psychologist, Ross Rosenberg, explaining how gaslighting starts in childhood, and how to heal from parents who gaslight.

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May 17: Turpin parents get 25 years to life for abusing their children. Final words from children and parents at sentencing. Click HERE for that.
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Wednesday, February 12, 2014

healthy versus unhealthy relationships

Your relationship can be like this ... :

... or like this:
you choose.

© Lise Winne, 2014, Angry Heart and Lovey Heart
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

With Valentines Day so close, the focus is on relationships.

Maybe you wonder (as I did for so many years) what the difference is between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

A healthy relationship is one in which both voices carry the same amount of relevance and weight, where caring, respect, love, listening, admiration and devotion are mutual.

One view of an unhealthy relationship is HERE. Most unhealthy relationships are usually lopsided, with the most unhealthy being about an abusive angry power-and-control pit-bull pitted against a silent self effacing devotional meek mouse or two revenge seekers continually striving for the upper hand.

Here's the in-depth version:

An unhealthy relationship:
If people in your situation are thinking that the other person needs to do all of the work to make things right then you are in an unhealthy relationship. If someone is giving you the silent treatment and waiting for what they want from you (or they are feeling entitled to get certain responses, types of apologies, types of communications, types of reactions, types of groveling, types of admissions, types of accolades and appreciations, types of love and adoration) it almost always means pain, sadness and loneliness (more for the victim than the perpetrator perhaps, at least in the short term). 

Anyone who is trying to extract predetermined outcomes in any relationship, the relationship is usually full of strife. Life is a wild card: you can't even expect the sun to shine and then rain the next day. Life has a way of delivering lots of happenstance surprises, good and bad, unless you are one of those people who can predict with accuracy and be constantly showered with luck.

There are many people who feel so exceptionally entitled that you could stand on your head for them or even be dying and you wouldn't matter to them. They want what they want and how they want it and if you don't live up to their relationship expectations and perspectives on how you should act and provide, then you are rejected, shamed and shunned over and over again. You can be silent or you can speak out. Your silence can ensure suppression and oppression (as well as not rocking the boat); speaking up can ensure that these kind of people will "up the ante" so that they remain on top( really rock the boat). The goal for them is continual entitlement, to be in power and in control. "Power and control people" have one agenda and it is not your well-being or even the well being of a trusting loving relationship. If you are feeling lonely and hurt when in the company of someone, then you are probably with a "power and control" type of person. Run like hell. 

A healthy relationship:
It is better to be with people where honest, open, loving communication is more important than your submission to them. If you feel you have to give in or admit to things you didn't do, or admit they are right when they aren't just to keep the peace in situations where you are called names (i.e. crazy, bitch, bastard, snake, serpent, dog, worthless human being, nothing, etc), then you are just feeding an unhealthy relationship. Respect and love always works two ways. 

If you wonder what healthy communication and a healthy relationship is, here is an article I found on Huffington Post by Glennon Melton how healthy relationships flourish. Below I quoted some of the best nougats for my situation. What about you?

We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.

When did you feel loved today?
When did you feel lonely?
What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?
What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?
What can I do to help you right now?

I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.
~~ Glennon Melton

2 comments:

  1. Hi Lise, I thought you might be interested in a new book I've edited and penned the foreword for. It comes out on Monday and is called Action Plan For Living With An Alcoholic http://tinyurl.com/nhjggan it's a fresh approach to an enormous demon. Kind regards, TW

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for letting me know. I have recommended her blog on this blog (right hand column under "other bloggers I recommend").
      Thank you for alerting me to this book too!
      Namaste

      Delete

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