My fantasy art -- always thinking about abuse survivors even then

"The Attraction"

© 2017 by Lise Winne

available for sale as prints and on home decor products HERE

original to be shown in a local gallery two-person show. Details HERE

Even when I make this kind of art, I am still thinking about survivors of abuse. You can click HERE (to my art blog) to find out why. Note: it is all about the symbolism.

Here is a piece where I dedicated the design to my fellow survivor bloggers, Lenora Thompson and 500 Pound Peep:

"Three Messengers"

© 2017 by Lise Winne

available for sale as prints and on home decor products HERE

original to be shown in a local gallery two-person show. Details HERE

I am looking forward to showing my art with Marina Petro, who I like to think of as my kindred spirit in art.

I will be back soon with a new post about how to tell if you have abusive parents and another post about trauma bonding. There are also more interviews in the works. And most importantly of all, some more posts on strategies I have discovered for healing from abuse and PTSD, my main concern and impetus for writing this blog in the first place. Getting us healed and moving on with our lives, and enlightenment about why we were in an abusive relationship in the first place, is how we heal.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy this interlude with uplifting company and art.

Peace. 

Part II: Never Get Involved in Abusive Relationships Again

"Three Messengers" (painted version)

© 2017 by Lise Winne

design dedicated to Lenora Thompson and Five Hundred Pound Peeps

This time, I'm not going to say as much on this topic because I have a great link at the end of this post.

If you read Part I on healing from abuse, you know that one of the first parts of healing has to do with not exposing yourself to your abuser any more, saying no to any more abuse.

I think many survivors feel as if they have lived in a war zone, and after it is all over, they feel as though they are thrown into a cold desert as well. It is not an easy ride, and is quite painful for most of us.

Your abuser has either become physically abusive, or he's discarded you (and discarded you without any support, and even taking away as much support as he possibly can: your mutual relationships, perhaps leaving you financially stranded as well, perhaps trying to take your kids away, or your dignity away with erroneous allegations and smear campaigns).

Abuse makes you feel alone. Everything feels depleted: there is no love (where you thought there was); there is no kindness (where you thought there was); there is no understanding (abusers mostly throw their interpretations in your face); there is no financial net (it seems they want you to become destitute or suffer in that way too). Abuse will make the huge majority of the people on the planet feel depressed (and grieving). And yet ... it is still not the end of the world!

You may feel alone because you either do not feel comfortable around people the abuser knows, or you don't totally trust them, and that is a big problem. These people will not necessarily become your support group either, or show that they care at all. It is a shock when you find that they love your abuser more. They may even invalidate your feelings, and refer to issues you have with your abuser as "your problem." Some people even laugh at you, as though they are at the movies, watching you suffer. This is shocking, but it happens. But even then, it is not the end of the world.

The awful thing is, you get used to it, the betrayal is like a domino effect. The people who really hear you are the people who are left standing by you. That is, believe it or not, a good thing. It is like everyone in your life is put on trial. Will they betray you, or will they stand by you? Will they take sides, or love you both? If they are your family, they are likely to love you both (which will still mean some discomfort, and separation, because abusers are very manipulative and pit people against each other to get the upper hand).

So, the best thing to do when you are alone in a desert bloodied and bruised from a war is to withdraw from people who know you both, at least in the beginning, when your feelings are too raw and tender, and find other survivors. People who are in all stages of recovery become your best support.

In my own personal life, I got to know many of them in Alanon and CODA. I intuitively knew I needed to withdraw from people I shared in common with the abuser, which was very early in the game, during the devaluation stage, not the discard stage. I knew from what my father told me, that I was going to be targeted (because he knew the people better than I did -- I was an innocent, and I believed that the people in question loved me, unconditionally even, and wow, was I wrong!! -- but he knew better, and I intuited that he might know better, thus seeking support).

When you are targeted, there is not much you can do about it. It's not like you can persuade someone against it. The only thing you have are boundaries, what you will and will not put up with.

For me, being a target had probably been set in motion by people in my life from the time I was a toddler (narcissistic evaluations of people never change, even when you are old, they are that rigid).

My instincts proved to be right about finding new people, and spending a lot of time with people not connected to the narcs, because what an amazing community they are! And most everyone can be contacted by telephone when you are going through a rough patch -- but I'll get to that later as it deserves a post all its own. I'm just giving you a heads-up now so that the desert does not look empty.

However, you have to be very careful at this stage.

The last thing you want to do is to get entangled with another narcissist, or sociopath, or psychopath, or batterer. Overwhelmingly these kinds of people are NOT in survivor groups -- it is too boring and emotional for them (i.e. not fun, and they are all about finding fun after a relationship has ended). They also find empaths sickening, and there is so much empathy-laden talk in these groups that it would drive any narcissist or sociopath away. Narcissists and sociopaths usually like to dominate, lecture, give advice and manipulate people to their way of thinking, and they can't do that either in these groups. However, the rare narcissist or sociopath might feel it is a good way to find vulnerable prey (as empaths are the people targeted for abuse), but if you make it clear that your boundaries are firm, that you are too wounded to be in another relationship, they will tire and give up the chase. Most survivors are raw with wounds: the last thing they want is to be seduced or talked into another enmeshed relationship.

That's a big difference between a perpetrator and a real victim: the real victims are too guarded and hurt to go after another relationship, whereas perpetrators pretend they are victims, but never seek help, live it up and love bomb new targets right away.

So, how do you keep narcissists and sociopaths away from you?

I didn't need to write this part/answer, because I found the perfect article to address this issue (with all of the detail and signs you need to look for to stay out of these kinds of relationships forever):

Never Get Involved with a Psychopath, Narcissist, Sociopath -- or any abuser -- Ever Again -- by Adelyn Birch

Another pertinent article:

5 Fresh Ideas for Keeping Narcissists Out of Your Life - by Lenora Thompson for Your Tango and Psych Central

from Higher Perspective:

co-dependent no more in the abusive family

name of art: "Followers as Zombies"

image is © Lise Winne

digital art, 2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Someone asked me once what co-dependency meant. I told them that in short, it is a dependency on a dysfunctional unhealthy relationship or person. However, that is a simplistic version. For the sake of better clarification, I'll focus on an encyclopedic meaning (from Wikipedia):

Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.[1] Among the core characteristics of codependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity.[1] ...

... In its broadest definition, a codependent is someone who cannot function from their innate self and whose thinking and behavior is instead organized around another person ...

... Codependency has been referred to as the disease of a lost self.[12][17] Codependent relationships are marked by intimacy problems, dependency, control (including caretaking) denial, dysfunctional communication and boundaries, and high reactivity ...

The article also talks about what it is like to be a co-dependent of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (two disorders that show high rates of abusiveness -- and yes, alcoholism can mimic Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

I thought this post by Melanie Tonia Evans from her blog, described what it was like to live with a narcissistic abuser and how she eventually got free from it. And, by the way, all of the things that work in normal relationships like asking to be heard, arguing your points, pleading, expecting decency, expecting the other person to meet you half way, does not work in abusive relationships. In fact, sometimes the more you try to work at resolving conflicts, the more the abuser tries to continue to hurt you, and the more severe the PTSD symptoms become. Your emotions and your life unravels. The abuser gets a high from all of it, all the pain and anguish you are feeling (they looooove all this drama, after all: all of your fussing to be heard and considered, all of your working, all of your overtures, all of your efforts at understanding, all of your emotions, and compromising, and pleasing, and pleading -- it is just delicious for them and makes them feel sooooo self-important!). It is disgusting, but unfortunately, it is the way it is. Here is part of the post from Melanie Tonia Evans:

As with all narcissistic abuse the ex-narcissist targeted my weak spots, my unfinished business, profoundly ...

... But rather than accept how his many abusive behaviours were diminishing me piece by piece … I stayed, I argued, I prescribed, I lectured … I fought back ...

... And I stayed even though there was no change or resolution that ever lasted ...

... My reactions got worse and worse … and I didn’t realise that this was wonderful for a narcissist – it granted him tons of attention. The knowing that he existed and had the power to affect another human being so significantly ...

... All of this drama was keeping him distracted from his own tormented inner being and alive ...
... The more I was hooked onto trying to get him to change his behaviour, the more I lost the ability to detach and look after myself, and as a co-dependent I had never mastered this skill previous to him anyway ...

... In this severely dangerous state of me being separated from being anchored in my own body able to create my own sanity, safety and peace, he was able to swiftly pull out the rug from beneath me, with violent threats and actions, intimidation and or abandonment – with me not letting go ...


Co-dependent relief, I believe, comes from being with others who are willing to share the power with you. And believe me, relief after being through this kind of hell is the right word.

In musical band terminology, sharing power is called "not having an ego."

Egomaniacs are bad for bands because they jockey for attention away from the other performers in order to get the audience to have eyes on them. They often play too loudly, or take too many leads, or they try to play a lead line when someone else is playing a lead, or they dance too frenetically and bump into the other musicians, or they always want to play their songs. One of the reasons why bands break up or go through a lot of members is because of problems with egos. As Alison Krauss said in this interview by Piers Hernu about performing with her band, Union Station:

I’ve been working with Union Station for 26 years now and with all the differences in personality, not being family, being raised all over the country and having different tastes, it is amazing that we’ve stayed together. The secret to working with the same group of people for a long time is lack of ego – no one person rushes to the front and is self-serving.

All long term relationships are like Union Station.

Just as in a band, if your voice is being drowned out by one, two, three or more voices in an abusive family that desperately needs co-dependents, you aren't really part of that family except in your genes. Abused members of families tend not to have voices. Or, to take the band analogy, their voices are drowned out; it is like playing a quiet acoustic instrument like a harp with no sound reinforcement while one or more of the other members are blasting their sound with neon electric guitars through huge speakers. And by the way, the harp analogy is a good one because many of the victims of family violence tend to be doves (and doves flock together, and are the symbols of peace and co-operation). 

If you leave your family, your contributions, your expertise on your instrument won't be missed, because it was barely audible to begin with. You could be playing your heart out, and be superbly talented, and be playing along note for note, adding tasteful flourishes here and there, but no one notices, and furthermore, they don't care how talented you are because they are EGOs: they only care about showing off their own talent ("and by the way, don't listen to that harp player way in the back; she's a nobody"). If you are a family scapegoat and act up in the back with your harp, and try to bring attention to the fact that you have something to contribute, it will be like your family will put a glass box around you and your harp, contain you from breaking out of the soundless role they want you to fulfill and the glass box they have put you in (and yes, being in an abusive family makes you feel like a prisoner). Furthermore, the whole band will be told to stand in front of the glass box so that no one in the audience will see you. And often when the family is done performing for others, it will expect you to be a Cinderella and clean off the stage like a stage hand. If the family performance was less than stellar, they will tell you, the harpist, that it was all your fault that the family sucked in their performance and that the audience wasn't pleased. And by the way, sucked is the right word: abuse tends to be crude in its vocabulary. If they are really abusive they'll call you names, spit at you, and kick you around.

So part of breaking out of the family prison and co-dependent role is to find a band of like minds (like Union Station): a band of people whose members can take leads and then be in the background when someone else needs to take a lead. It takes awhile to build a family of choice, because it is not always easy to tell if someone is going to dominate the group, until you've played with them for awhile. Therapists generally suggest one or two years to assess the situation correctly.

It is the supporting professions and the helping professions where one finds the most team players, and the least egos. It is not always the case, but it is mostly the case.

So back to our harp analogy: harps do not really go in a band of loud obnoxious electric guitars anyway, even when they are more audible. So, if you are a scapegoat and leave your family, whether that is forced upon you through shunning or it is your voluntary decision, one of the first things you will feel is that you "didn't belong in that family anyway." You feel different from them. It's like you were born to the wrong species. The idea of them prancing around on stage like a bunch of peacock GODS competing for guitar riffs makes you feel disgusted, sick to your stomach. The audience is just as craven and unsophisticated as the band is: all those drugged glazed zombie eyes in the audience seem to think that just because something is loud, neon, screaming to be heard, and that when one of the players amps up the sound on his guitar, that it means the music is good. In fact, to any critic that happens to come around, it sounds like a discordant mess (and yes, a lot of toxic families are loud and discordant). There are always fist fights breaking out in the mosh pit. There are usually arrests and a lot of illegal substances. The audience they attract seems as out of control as the band. In fact, the members of the band are now all turning on each other, especially since they don't have the harpist to blame any more. It is almost like they needed that harpist to keep themselves unified. They fight amongst each other about who is better, they shout over each other to give each other advice and commands, they are all in disagreement about who needs to stay in the background, and who needs to clean up the bloody mess after the show! It is an angry, gnarly situation which is attracting negative attention from the press. Venues stop hiring the band because they bring trouble.

So, let's just say your new band of choice has a cellist, a classical guitarist, an acoustic bassist and a multi-instrumentalist who plays recorders, penny whistles and a flute. Your harp sounds exquisite with these instruments. The audience you play to might be smaller, but they are attentive, respectful, quiet (they want to hear your music after all, and not just get shit-faced and throw empty beer cans at the stage). The seats are more expensive too than they were for your foul family band, so in the end you are making more money with a whole let less stress. You actually can sleep better at night because your ears aren't buzzing from the after-effects of ungodly decibels, watching near-murders in the mosh pit, watching the egos bump into each other and give each other dirty looks when the audience seems to prefer one over the other. Most of all, your life seems more serene because you made a definite choice (because making choices in a voiceless, hopeless, desperately toxic-to-your-health situation makes you feel in control of yourself and your own life, and takes the control out of your prisoners' hands). The press says "Where has this talent been hiding out?" When the reporters find out, you tell them, with embarrassment, that you made a big mistake in thinking your past band was a good fit. Finally, you have arrived at the peace you deserved all your life, and all along (if only you had been confident enough to know that your voice should have been heard sooner ... so you see, this was the problem all along: your family taught you that you weren't worthy of being heard, that you only deserved to be in a small glass box, and ignored).

       

In a nutshell, you leave a co-dependent role by being independent of abusers and finding a family of choice. If it takes awhile, then you can work on it little by little until you can escape. 

And sometimes it feels just like an escape too: you might escape with no money, with just the clothes on your back; you might be in as much danger from your abusers as escapees from kidnappers; you might feel they will try to do their damnedest to give you bad press (slander you); you might feel they will never stop at trying to stuff you in that glass box again; you might feel that they'll try to make you comply with the same toxic family rules and guilt trips every time you bump into them (and to this I say that even many child sex molesters pummel their victims with guilt trips! -- yes, it is true); and they might always be scheming at how to effect you negatively. 

It sucks being in an abusive family and it is hell when you are co-dependent with a family like this. But like all hells, they are like caves: there will be a way out eventually, especially if you search for the light and work hard and intelligently for the escape route.

One reason why a family becomes a bullying family (using one scapegoat as its punching bag) usually has to do with co-narcissism, which I'll talk about in another post. Basically there are generations of narcissists: junior narcissist became a narcissist to survive the abusive tendencies he or she saw from senior narcissist(s). Often it is the favored golden child (or children) in a family who carry on the tradition of being narcissists and perpetuating narcissistic abuse for future generations. 

Being a family victim of co-narcissists is totally unendurable for most people. It is like any abusive relationship except it is x 2 (and sometimes x 3, or x 4, or more). Having one abusive spouse or parent is hard enough on most people. Being abused by a bunch of co-narcissists all drooling to take pot-shots at you is like a singular person trying to fight an army. Don't do it. Find a way to escape.

note:

If any of you are wondering, I do play the harp (a Celtic harp)

I also have a lot of dove paintings. Some are here in my Artfire shop.

also note: 

for more information on how I made the art/illustration above, 

I have written about that extensively on my art blog here.

I found this on the Baton Rouge Counseling Center website:

The article where I found this graphic has some good advice as well:

Codependency can be very difficult to deal with unless you seek qualified help and support. The good news is that through counseling, recovery literature, and support, these codependent patterns and their origins can be recognized, faced, and overcome.

This wonderful post by Annie Reneau is a love letter to parents who keep minimal or no contact with their abusive families in order to bring up their own children in loving homes without dysfunction and abuse. As the article says, it isn't easy for the parent to renounce their family, but your kids will thank you for it.

healthy versus unhealthy relationships

Your relationship can be like this ... :

... or like this:

you choose.

© Lise Winne, 2014, Angry Heart and Lovey Heart
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

With Valentines Day so close, the focus is on relationships.

Maybe you wonder (as I did for so many years) what the difference is between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

A healthy relationship is one in which both voices carry the same amount of relevance and weight, where caring, respect, love, listening, admiration and devotion are mutual.

One view of an unhealthy relationship is HERE. Most unhealthy relationships are usually lopsided, with the most unhealthy being about an abusive angry power-and-control pit-bull pitted against a silent self effacing devotional meek mouse or two revenge seekers continually striving for the upper hand.

Here's the in-depth version:

An unhealthy relationship:
If people in your situation are thinking that the other person needs to do all of the work to make things right then you are in an unhealthy relationship. If someone is giving you the silent treatment and waiting for what they want from you (or they are feeling entitled to get certain responses, types of apologies, types of communications, types of reactions, types of groveling, types of admissions, types of accolades and appreciations, types of love and adoration) it almost always means pain, sadness and loneliness (more for the victim than the perpetrator perhaps, at least in the short term). 

Anyone who is trying to extract predetermined outcomes in any relationship, the relationship is usually full of strife. Life is a wild card: you can't even expect the sun to shine and then rain the next day. Life has a way of delivering lots of happenstance surprises, good and bad, unless you are one of those people who can predict with accuracy and be constantly showered with luck.

There are many people who feel so exceptionally entitled that you could stand on your head for them or even be dying and you wouldn't matter to them. They want what they want and how they want it and if you don't live up to their relationship expectations and perspectives on how you should act and provide, then you are rejected, shamed and shunned over and over again. You can be silent or you can speak out. Your silence can ensure suppression and oppression (as well as not rocking the boat); speaking up can ensure that these kind of people will "up the ante" so that they remain on top( really rock the boat). The goal for them is continual entitlement, to be in power and in control. "Power and control people" have one agenda and it is not your well-being or even the well being of a trusting loving relationship. If you are feeling lonely and hurt when in the company of someone, then you are probably with a "power and control" type of person. Run like hell. 

A healthy relationship:
It is better to be with people where honest, open, loving communication is more important than your submission to them. If you feel you have to give in or admit to things you didn't do, or admit they are right when they aren't just to keep the peace in situations where you are called names (i.e. crazy, bitch, bastard, snake, serpent, dog, worthless human being, nothing, etc), then you are just feeding an unhealthy relationship. Respect and love always works two ways. 

If you wonder what healthy communication and a healthy relationship is, here is an article I found on Huffington Post by Glennon Melton how healthy relationships flourish. Below I quoted some of the best nougats for my situation. What about you?

We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.

When did you feel loved today?

When did you feel lonely?

What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?

What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?

What can I do to help you right now?

I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.

~~ Glennon Melton