perfection in abusive relationships: parents and partners who expect perfectionism, and punish if they are not receiving it

name of cartoon: perfection in abusive relationships 
(an off-shoot of "Erroneous Blaming")
image is © Lise Winne
(for questions regarding use of images or contract an image for your next article
contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

(Note: a similar post to this one is erroneous blaming and erroneous punishments, with a cartoon that is almost identical. This post repeats a lot of the same subject matter as that post, so if you have read that post, there will be some repeated information -- "perfectionism" is just one of the facets of erroneous blaming)

Usually these kinds of abusers are very demanding. They want what they want, when they want it, and they expect you to perform perfectly for them (and all with accompanying "perfect attitudes").

They make a determination that if you are not performing to their specifications, you will have to pay the consequences: either silent treatments, withdrawing love, withdrawing consideration and kindness, withdrawing money or food, being isolated from your family, or being put through some sort of torture: physical, emotional, sexual, environmental, threats, neglect, it could be anything.

Often the point of their abuse and torture is to instill in you that you are not worthwhile (or only as good as they say you are), that they can live without you, and if they are to be kind to you at all, you will have to perform for them: to prove that you can do what they expect of you, "perfectly" and without complaint. You are to regard them as "perfect" as well: often hard to do because most abusers are liars, shams, cheaters, backstabbers, blackmailers, ruthlessly punishing (abusive), and many abusers put you through "love triangles" too. But you are expected to "pretend" to view them as infallible nonetheless, to turn a blind eye, and especially for their audience of superficial friends and "followers" (yes, they believe they have followers who adore them and hang on to every word). If you don't say "perfect" things about them, there is often a severe punishment (i.e. abuse), where they torture you. How they torture you depends on the abuser. They might give you the silent treatment for days, weeks, months or years, they might isolate you and/or try to ruin your reputation, they might withdraw money suddenly, they might poison you, or sexually abuse you, or batter you, or, if you are a child, neglect you (throw you in a basement without food, expect you to live in outside conditions in freezing weather, expect you to be locked in a room for weeks without basic necessities, ration your food, demand endless apologies that they deem to not be "good enough"; again it could be anything!). Most abusers are flattery addicts, unempathetic, lack integrity, which is to say that they are, by and large, hypocrites. 

And almost all of them think that their victims will be learning how to treat them better through these cruel kinds of acts.

In all abusive relationships, an expectation to perform "perfectly" and to speak "perfectly" is always present. "Perfectionism" can, and often means "perfect tone of voice", "perfect words with no complaining or criticism in them", "perfect execution of their demands", "perfect phrasing of words and emotions -- usually they want you to be emotionally flat and always polite" (even though they rarely are), "perfect altruistic motives towards them", and so on.

Abusers are known to punish if they interpret your attitudes, actions and looks as less than perfect. Even if you are doing everything to please them, they are known to say you aren't "perfect enough" as their way to justify more punishments, as abusing is how they feel important and in control. They also see it as their way to get what they need. Abusers even take command of telling you what you are feeling, thinking, and doing and why it is, or is not, good enough (or "a punishable offense"). It is their way of saying that they are in charge of everything: your feelings, your thoughts, your actions, and their interpretations of all of your feelings, thoughts and actions.

This is a part of erroneous blaming, which always goes hand in hand with perfectionism in abusive relationships. Other kinds of abuses including mocking, vilifying, smear campaigns, verbal abuse and gaslighting usually are also part of the arsenal of weapons perpetrators use when expecting perfectionism from their victims.

One of the first signs of an abusive family is that the authority figures tell you what you are thinking and feeling. If you are having an argument with them, they make it known that they don't care what you feel, that your job is to only care what they feel. That is why they usually say "No, you hurt me!" when you tell them that they egregiously hurt you. Abusive people don't care about how they hurt you; if anything they will try to endlessly excuse and justify it.

Abusive parents expect you to perform duties to perfection, even when you are no longer a child, and sometimes even when you are 60. Child abuse is a campaign that is leveraged upon their child for a lifetime unless the family gets help along the way (counseling).

If your parents punish you when you are an adult it is always abuse. The only person who has a right to punish another adult is a court appointed judge or jury in a legal system, or authorities if you are incarcerated, or an officer in a military situation. Sometimes bosses punish workers by firing them, but that can be abusive too if they don't follow legal procedures.

One way to tell if a child may be part of an abusive family is how parents react to their child. For instance, if the child got bullied in school (and yes, victims of child abuse are often the primary targets of school bullying) do they say to their child, "What did you do to get yourself in that mess?" or "What did you do to deserve it?". Note this is a "sign", not a definitive conclusion that they are abusive parents. The point is that non-abusive parents generally say, "I'm concerned," or "Are you okay?" or "How are you doing and how are you feeling about what happened?" or "What can I do to help my child?" They aren't trying to referee the bullying or trying to decide who is at fault right away, or what kind of "less than perfect thoughts, feelings and actions" brought on the bullying. Some abusive parents even argue with their child about how the child is thinking and feeling right in front of school authorities.  

In a post entitled The Perfectionist Tyrant, Sallie Culbreth, M.S. states that many survivors of abuse suffer from self esteem issues from pressures over perfection. Here is an excerpt: 

Perfectionism takes on many forms – from being an over-achiever to being an under-achiever. Perfectionism is a common malady among survivors of abuse, exploitation, and sexual trauma. At its core, it is the relentless drive to avoid powerlessness, but that drive is a tyrant. The tyrant sends you into a panic every time you feel the threat of being exposed as “less than.”

It is vital for you to remember that the experience of abuse educated you about your value. The problem is that those lessons are built around lies and manipulation. Nonetheless, they feel true and, over time, they become enmeshed with how you define your worth.

What do you believe about your worth based on the lessons of abuse? That you have no value. That you’re not good enough. That you’re disposable. That there’s something wrong with you. That you’re only good for one thing. These are the lies that feel very true, but please note: THEY ARE STILL LIES.

Now here’s where it gets dicey: perfectionism is your response to these lies, but it is so extreme that it can impair how you approach life and your ability to function in a healthy way. As I stated at the beginning, perfectionism can manifest in two seemingly opposite behaviors: over-achievement and under-achievement.

Over-achiever perfectionism screams at you that if you don’t work day and night to accomplish everything you do without any mistakes, then you’ll sink into those wretched definitions of the lies and feel completely exposed as a disposable, valueless idiot ...

... Under-achiever perfectionism screams at you that you’ll never be able to attain the goals you’ve set – that you’ll never be good enough – so why bother? You believe that everyone already knows your worth, so why risk failure and face that horrific moment when you’re reminded one more time that you’re “less than” and always will be. You find it easier to never take risks than to risk being less than perfect.

Both of these expressions are based on distorted ideas about self that come from the experience of being abused. It is one of the most insidious and stubborn beliefs that survivors must confront ...

If your parents punish you because of a complaint or a look, it is abuse. It is also about "perfectionism" at its core. Perfectionism is usually abusive because there is an implied threat of a "punishment" behind it: for instance, "If you give me that look I don't like, I'll hurt you!" or "If you complain about me one bit, I'll reject you!" Look to see if they are putting labels on your motives (and remember that these are ALWAYS their ways of perceiving you).

Abusers often interpret your look or speech the way they want to see you, not as who you are. They might see a look and interpret it as something they don't like or as impertinence. All abusers hate even the possibility of impertinence, so they are known to do pre-emptive strikes. Other things they don't like include what they perceive as a look of autonomy from their victims, a look of ingratitude, a look of rebellion, a look of disbelief, a look of appearing superior to them when they expect you to perceive yourself as inferior to them, a critical look, a quizzical look, a look that portrays to them that you might abandon them, a look of rolling your eyes, a look of smirking (which they might interpret as you laughing at them and thinking of them as inferior), and a look of disgust at what they are saying. Victims who have these kinds of thoughts about them are terrifying to them, so they punish over the possibilities first and escalate wildly if they actually become realities (most abusers are personality-disordered). It is because they, themselves want to know their victims look at them at all times as "perfect" and as "superiors" and the only way they know how to keep their victims from growing out of idealizing them is to punish.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths (who make up the most dangerous abusers) especially have absolutely zero tolerance for anyone who might be slightly or fleetingly feeling in ways they find threatening. They want so badly your childlike gullibility or they feel absolutely threatened by you to the point where they can become either scary or dangerous.

Why scary? Because they make threats. Their threats are NOT to be taken lightly. Even if they take their threats back, and promise not to use them after all, they have a propensity to be unstable, and cannot be counted on to do what they say. Also, if they have a history of severely abusing they are certainly not to be trusted. Severe abuses include silent treatments that last months, erroneous blaming sessions that never seem to end, only letting up on abuse after they see you begging and crying, physical abuse.

They are also dangerous because abuse usually escalates regardless, and abuse can also be deadly even if your abuser meant only to hurt you just so far without killing you. They also tend to get ever more sensitive to what your looks and feelings might be portraying as the relationship deepens: if they deem you to be resisting being perfect in the way they want, they can, and do, take abuse to another level. They can graduate from emotional abuse to physical abuse very, very quickly. Some signs to look out for include touch which is at all hostile, pushing, intimidating physical stances where they expect you to walk around them, breaking or smashing property, being rough with material things, destroying gifts you have given them (especially if it is your parents or partner who are destroying your gifts), yelling at you in your personal space (within 6 feet of you), leaning into you to command, lecture or stare you down, clenching their fists while talking to you. These are all the beginning danger signs in terms of physical violence.

Don't make the assumption that you will always be able to follow their demands (i.e. keep safe in that way). Many abusers expect you to eventually fulfill demands that are unethical, dangerous, self-sabotaging, self-sacrificing and self-harming. Almost all victims eventually come to the conclusion that they have to abandon abusive people because of these practices.

Be aware that their interpretation of your "imperfect looks" are really, underneath it all, them feeling threatened by you and afraid of you. What they are really saying is: "don't judge me, don't question me, don't disagree with me, don't investigate who I am or what my motives are, don't feel worthwhile, happy, successful and autonomous without my consent. Only look at me as perfect, please!" Alternatively they can be thinking "Only look at me as perfect, or else you will pay and pay and pay!" They are such utterly paranoid people that if you grimace, they are known to take it very personally, and put vilifying, dark interpretations on it with all kinds of erroneous guilt trips attached, just to scare you from even considering thoughts and feelings that they might not like. They don't ever want to be hurt by your thoughts or feelings and that is the purpose of all of their crazy-making guilt trips, which can often escalate to withdrawals and other punishments, just to make it known to you to keep your thoughts and feelings contained, in the dark recesses of your mind, to yourself, and even deny such feelings if you have them. To them it doesn't really matter whether you never meant to hurt them at all; what matters to them is that you never think to even entertain the possibility of having a thought or feeling that blames them for anything, that makes them culpable for anything, that is at all at odds with how they want to be perceived.

How you look at them, then, can become one huge problem that they feel they cannot ignore. This is the ultimate crux of their retaliations against you (and remember: retaliation in close personal relationships = always abuse).

See my post on erroneous blaming for more information.

Most abusers have personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. If they aren't making devious plans to physically disable you or to get rid of you, they may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If they want to cause you physical pain, or get rid of you, they are likely to have Antisocial Personality Disorder. In other words, narcissists usually emotionally abuse those closest to them (getting rid of you through silent treatments, disabling you socially) and antisocials usually physically abuse those closest to them (getting rid of you by planning your demise, disabling you physically and mentally). Unchecked and unchallenged narcissists can often join the ranks of the Antisocial Personality-disordered (sociopaths). Be aware that alcoholism in some people can mimic Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the difference being that when they give up the bottle entirely (rehab), they stop acting narcissistically.

What you can count on from narcissists and sociopaths is that there will be a lot of projection: they will see you as they are. They might see you as impertinent because they are impertinent; they might see you as someone who looks at their statements in disgust because they typically look at other people's statements in disgust; they might see you as disloyal and unfaithful because they are disloyal and unfaithful; they might see you as hyper-critical or condescending because they are hyper-critical and condescending; they might see you as evil because they are evil.

Unfortunately for victims, abuse for many narcissists and sociopaths is like a heroin fix: they get off on watching you suffer and "get punished" by them, and they get addicted to abuse because they get off on other people suffering. In order to get more satisfaction from abusing you, they escalate abuse. Most emotional and verbal abusers end up physically abusing. Abusers have also been known to make things up about you just to get their fix of abuse. It is just part of the escalation process no matter what you do or say.

When abusers graduate to more and more escalations of abuse, victims often realize there is a pattern and leave their abusers. Abusers then typically make promises to their victims not to abuse again. Unless they are doing an awful lot of therapy, and are treating you with the utmost respect, unless they are willing to respect every single last boundary that you put up, it is a ruse. It is just about them wanting to get their fix again.

Further reading:

In this post entitled Understanding the Trauma of Child Abuse by Richard Gold, he discusses how blame, victimization and the appearance of "perfectionism" often leads to severe trauma for the abused scapegoats of such families:
Excerpts (but the whole article is worth reading):
A child is blamed. It’s important to understand that abuse is not a “simple” hit or sex act. Abuse is coercive. The victim is blamed for the victimization. In the proc­ess, the abuser exerts control in ways that are torturous and terrifying.
A child feels ashamed. It’s important to understand that the failure of kindness and protection in the family is a profound wound to the child. The victim is deeply ashamed at this loss and carries the burden of feeling unlovable.
Beyond the circumstances of fragmentation and a sense of personal defective­ness, that reinforce one another and are further reinforced by blame and shame, there are powerful factors within abusive family systems that reinforce trauma.
Here are some of the factors in abusive family systems that reinforce trauma. Within a family, the abuser may not only be dominant, but idealized. And everyone in the family may measure themselves by the abuser’s moods ...

... Often there is an enforced isolation for the family, where the abuser passes judgment and controls outside contacts. This isolation limits the child victim’s opportunities for understanding and healing. Often in an abusive family there is a parent who is a passive enabler of the abuser, and this role is significant. The enabler makes it possible for the family to be a self-contained system. The en­abler may support or justify the abuser. The enabler may allow or even encour­age the child to serve as a target for abuse ...

... In the end, the abused child may carry the huge burden of preserving the family as an ideal – and therefore may carry a huge burden of guilt for failing in that impossible task ...
... In addition to messages from the parent that the child deserves blame for family problems, there are also significant messages that the parent doesn’t want the child to be happy or to succeed as a person beyond the abusive parent’s limited capabilities. So the child feels guilt and failure for its successes, as well for its victimizations ...

... One powerful theme throughout circumstances of abuse is the theme of secrecy. There are secrets that the child victim keeps from itself. There are secrets that the child victim keeps from the abuser, from the enabler, etc. – and vice versa. There are secrets that the abusive family keeps from society. The abusive family sus­tains itself with falsehoods ...

Narcissists Say “Mistakes Must Not Be Made” -- by Lenora Thompson
Sexual Abuse Takes Toll on Victims by Trish Kinney. Discusses that sexual abuse carries with it not only physical maladies (like cancer and IBS) that can show up years later, but many victims also develop "perfectionist personalities."

The Impact of Child Sexual Abuse on Adolescents by Sanford Health, includes withdrawing from the pain of abuse by trying to be perfectionist, people-pleasers, and overachievers.

Perfectionism plays a role in child abuse and spousal abuse from The Violence and Addiction Equation, Theoretical Conclusions in Sustance Abuse and Relationship Violence book by Christine Wekerle, Anne-Marie Wall   

Healing from Childhood Abuse: Understanding the Effects, Taking Control to Recover by John J. Lemoncelli -- it has a chapter on perfectionism and people-pleasing as being qualities of victims of abuse

Feeling you must be perfect, and perform perfectly can also be a form of self-abuse. This is just one post of many posts.

People obsessed with grammar aren't as nice as everybody else, study suggests by MJ Franklin

A forum topic is raised about "perfectionism" from a mental health provider, who still hasn't had time to heal from her own traumatic childhood ... many other people respond by telling of their experiences as well.

from Miramir.com:

A cool quote by Rebecca Eanes
copyright to respectful owner:

"Does being in a narcissistic relationship make you feel like you can't make a mistake?"
by psychologist Ramani Durvasula:

I thought this video by Scott Bassett was worthwhile (narcissists can't love

and don't really know what to do with it):

Here is another video by Scott Bassett explaining why narcissists need you to feel

that they can live without you, that they are not dependent on anyone

(basically it is fear-based because admitting to themselves

that they need relationships makes them feel weak, inferior and out of command):

financial abuse, money and bullying, in close personal relationships

name of art: "Financial Abuse"

image is © Lise Winne

india ink and graphics, 2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Financial abuse occurs in 98 percent of all abusive relationships. Money is used as a weapon to punish and control victims.

Female victims who leave their abusers most often suffer economically. The costs of court, finding a safe place to live, protection and therapy put a strain on women financially. Abusers sometimes try to sabotage women's jobs and careers too.  

In my own life, I have had two people who used money as a weapon. I was financially dependent on both of them (at different times). Both of them used the withdrawal of money as a form of punishment at the absolute lowest point of my life (a predator-to-prey kind of abuse). Not only that, but both times, I was discarded abruptly in the most hurtful and traumatic way. 

So I am using my own experiences as well as research to explain why you should never be financially dependent on someone who shows any (and I mean ANY) signs of verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical abuse. A link to a list of abuses is HERE.

And, by the way, the predator-to-prey kind of abuse is primarily practiced by people who are cold-hearted: narcissists, sociopaths and addicts/alcoholics with narcissistic tendencies. For further information, go HERE.

A normal person with normal amounts of empathy (i.e. not abusive) who doesn't want you to be financially dependent on them, usually makes an announcement. That announcement might be, "I need you to be financially independent of my money, therefore, I will withdraw money incrementally, by the month, until you can get back on your feet again." This is how you might approach a grown child who has fallen on hard times, or who has graduated from college, for instance. It is a way of saying, "You need to be financially independent of me, to do it through your own work, but if you fall on hard times, I'll try to be there for you, as long as you don't make a habit of it." This is good parenting anyway; it is respecting the adult in the grown child. It shows that you respect the autonomy of the grown child too.

And yet, a normal person with normal amounts of empathy is even capable of withdrawing money abruptly, especially if they have no more money to give. But where it becomes abusive is if it comes as a punishment (i.e. to purposely hurt) or with a punishment (i.e. as part of a way to purposely hurt), or as a way to control, or in a way that uses it as a weapon. 

Punishments that go with the swift withdrawal of money can be part of the silent treatment, insults, rejection, being ostracized, all as a tactic to keep you dependent and under their control. You aren't doing something for them, or you said something they didn't like that they took offense to, or because they are having a temper tantrum, anything that doesn't respect your autonomy is used as an excuse to hurt you and withdraw money. That is when it gets into the realm of abuse.

Control is another form of abuse with money. The most common form of control with money is a husband who rewards his wife for doing what he wants her to do, and withdrawing money from her if she is not doing as he wants. It can even extend into the welfare of their common children. This keeps her in a tentative position. She is either begging him for money, or grateful for having received money, instead of the money being common property with mutual respect for each other. She is put on an allowance. At the very least, she is walking on eggshells around the issue of money. This kind of relationship quickly becomes fear-based where the wife tiptoes around her husband's alternating rage and reasonableness, sanctions and magnanimity, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This kind of relationship is always written into the typical wheel of abuse that psychologists use to explain victimization. 

But, financial abuse can happen in any close relationship in the family.  

Personality disordered abusers often use the lure/seduction of money to get you dependent on them. Their belief system is that if their targets are financially dependent, it will give the abuser total control over his victim and endless avenues to abuse. 

In my own life, the first abuser said, "You don't need to work. I make plenty of money to support us both. You just need to take care of things around our home." This person left me long lists every day, chores that I was supposed to fulfill. 

This can be a typical domestic partnership or marriage set up. 

But where it went terribly wrong for me is when I discovered that this wasn't a secure position for me at all, and that I would probably be left high and dry. My main purpose in life changed: I had to make money and to be independent. This meant giving up on this person's priorities: our common home and his long lists. He tried to forcefully put me back in a dependent role again by sabotaging the starter in my car, and when my car no longer worked, trying to keep me from having another car. He made scenes at my place of employment and at the school I was attending. He tried to keep me from leaving to go to my classes or job. He used affairs with other women to tell me that if I only did what he wanted, he would stop cheating on me. He lectured and badgered me nearly every evening about how I was supposed to only be thinking of fulfilling his needs, using guilt over what he had previously done for me, using the ungrateful phrase, a common phrase among all abusers. He used any tactic to get total compliance, and escalated abuse when I dared to show independence. 

The second abuser in my life used a similar tactic. This person B constantly told me "You don't need to be successful! You just need to do ---" all the while shaking my forearm with digging fingernails and an insistent look. I saw terror on B's face a couple of times at the prospect that I might be a major success in my field. They would advise me in such a way that would insure (to them) that I would not be successful. There were many conversations about incredible opportunities that had come my way, where person B would tell me all the ways it was dangerous or not worthwhile, where it might be unfulfilling. Person B was a total Debbie Downer. When I would resist and counter back, Person B would say, "Well, you know, you never have to worry about money. You don't really need the success. You don't really need opportunities." 

The thing is, the money wasn't even close enough to pay the bills. It was money quite a bit below the poverty line. Most of us know that even the poverty line is much lower than it should be. Was it enough to warrant being unsuccessful, sitting on my laurels and eating bon-bons all day? Not even a little. Talking about my career with B was like walking on eggshells, so I tried to avoid the subject as much as possible or divert it to some of the projects I was working on that wouldn't be contrived as striving. Since I am an artist, I would steer the conversation towards design and composition instead. I avoided B's extremely long winded doomer advice (hours long, by the way, and sometimes over several days as well) as though I should look at my career as an insurmountable plague of stone walls.

By the way, these are all red flags. Control is absolutely what this is about.

In my case, the control was about trying to make me poor and impoverished enough so that I would be begging for money (and willing to do anything for either of these abusers) if the bottom fell out of my life. It was designed to keep me from being successful, autonomous and independent.

However, at the worst time in my life with too many tragedies to deal with, this is when person B decided to use a flimsy excuse to punish and abuse, and this included a swift withdrawal of money. Was I surprised? A little, but all the signs were there: trying to keep me financially dependent, discouraging success, trying to create an imbalance of power, wanting me to beg for money at the lowest point in my life, wanting me to be complacent so that I would be dependent.  

I have never known abusers to give a lot of money. Only minimal amounts of money are given so that abusers feel in control at all times. They want their victims to suffer if they suddenly withdraw money from them. Financial abuse is often the first step to other abuses. It is designed to get the victim under control again. When financial abuse happens, guilt trips about money are used later on, i.e. "After all I have done for you, and you won't allow me to abuse you! So ungrateful!"  Very few victims find that abuse is a good exchange for money, especially when it becomes obvious that the abuse is escalating.  

By the way, once you are free from abuse, financial abusers also love to show you that they are giving their money to your arch enemies, and living extravagantly, so brace yourself for this.

A word of advice. If you are dealing with an abuser who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder who has discarded you, beware of how the information of your successes and achievements reach them. While it may make you feel great to rub their noses in your great fortune and success (which you achieved without them), if they are in punishing mode they try everything they can to ruin it for you. This includes spreading rumors to your co-workers and boss, trying to seduce you back into their company again (to trip you up again), stalking you, apologies which aren't sincere, indeed anything that they can think of to damage you. Most victims are surprised at how far their perpetrators go to destroy their careers and reputations. Having read many forums on this subject, it is clear that NPDs leave you alone if they think you are leading a life of poverty, full of tragedies and unfulfilled dreams. Many victims pretend that they are living the way their perpetrators wish for them, for safety reasons (having found out the hard way). It is called the grey rock method. 

If you are in the public spotlight, this will be very difficult. My condolences go out to you.

Many victims of abuse use pseudonyms. You might consider this if you are emotionally abused too (since emotional abuse is often a precursor to other types of abuse, including physical abuse).

The following is a story I always remember when I  think of abuse and money (this is a true story, by the way; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent):

A woman, Carrie, in her mid-sixties, fell on hard times. Her mother, Anne, who was in her eighties, told her that she could come back home to live. The exchange for being able to live at home, was that Carrie would have to do the grocery shopping, make the meals, take her mother to doctors' appointments, do the household chores, keep the lawn and garden in shape, indeed, wait on her mother hand and foot. Carrie agreed to it.
Anne gave Carrie complete use of the car, the house, and she gave Carrie enough money to be able to provide for both of their needs. Anne also made Carrie the sole inheritor of Anne's estate, especially since Carrie was an only child.
Everything went well for five years for mother and daughter, until Carrie was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, a rare form where she would have to be treated at a facility far away. She put Anne, her mother, in an assisted living home and told her that she would retrieve her once she was done with her cancer treatments.
Anne did not want to be in the facility. Anne was furious with Carrie that she was breaking the deal between them. Carrie expected her mother to understand the extenuating circumstances and again told her mother it was temporary and to "hold on tight."
Carrie arranged for someone to look after the house and to look in on her mother.
As Carrie was preparing to leave, Anne arranged to block Carrie from all of the finances, took the car keys from her, took Carrie out of the will, and barred her from the house they had shared.
Carrie was left without a home, without money, without the wherewithal to pursue cancer treatments. 
It is obvious that Anne had nothing to gain from this. Without cancer treatments, Carrie cannot live to take care of her mother.

So now Carrie is in a homeless shelter. Her mother is still in a facility.

This is what Narcissistic Personality Disorder looks and acts like. Anne's whole agenda is about herself only, and punishing her daughter, with no empathy, no common sense or rationale behind the decision.

It is always a good story to remember!

Two very good videos on the subject:

"Narcissists and Financial Abuse, Part 1"

by Psychologist Les Carter and Therapist Shannon Thomas:

"Narcissists and Financial Abuse, Part 2"

by Psychologist Les Carter and Therapist Shannon Thomas:

healthy versus unhealthy relationships

Your relationship can be like this ... :

... or like this:

you choose.

© Lise Winne, 2014, Angry Heart and Lovey Heart
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

With Valentines Day so close, the focus is on relationships.

Maybe you wonder (as I did for so many years) what the difference is between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

A healthy relationship is one in which both voices carry the same amount of relevance and weight, where caring, respect, love, listening, admiration and devotion are mutual.

One view of an unhealthy relationship is HERE. Most unhealthy relationships are usually lopsided, with the most unhealthy being about an abusive angry power-and-control pit-bull pitted against a silent self effacing devotional meek mouse or two revenge seekers continually striving for the upper hand.

Here's the in-depth version:

An unhealthy relationship:
If people in your situation are thinking that the other person needs to do all of the work to make things right then you are in an unhealthy relationship. If someone is giving you the silent treatment and waiting for what they want from you (or they are feeling entitled to get certain responses, types of apologies, types of communications, types of reactions, types of groveling, types of admissions, types of accolades and appreciations, types of love and adoration) it almost always means pain, sadness and loneliness (more for the victim than the perpetrator perhaps, at least in the short term). 

Anyone who is trying to extract predetermined outcomes in any relationship, the relationship is usually full of strife. Life is a wild card: you can't even expect the sun to shine and then rain the next day. Life has a way of delivering lots of happenstance surprises, good and bad, unless you are one of those people who can predict with accuracy and be constantly showered with luck.

There are many people who feel so exceptionally entitled that you could stand on your head for them or even be dying and you wouldn't matter to them. They want what they want and how they want it and if you don't live up to their relationship expectations and perspectives on how you should act and provide, then you are rejected, shamed and shunned over and over again. You can be silent or you can speak out. Your silence can ensure suppression and oppression (as well as not rocking the boat); speaking up can ensure that these kind of people will "up the ante" so that they remain on top( really rock the boat). The goal for them is continual entitlement, to be in power and in control. "Power and control people" have one agenda and it is not your well-being or even the well being of a trusting loving relationship. If you are feeling lonely and hurt when in the company of someone, then you are probably with a "power and control" type of person. Run like hell. 

A healthy relationship:
It is better to be with people where honest, open, loving communication is more important than your submission to them. If you feel you have to give in or admit to things you didn't do, or admit they are right when they aren't just to keep the peace in situations where you are called names (i.e. crazy, bitch, bastard, snake, serpent, dog, worthless human being, nothing, etc), then you are just feeding an unhealthy relationship. Respect and love always works two ways. 

If you wonder what healthy communication and a healthy relationship is, here is an article I found on Huffington Post by Glennon Melton how healthy relationships flourish. Below I quoted some of the best nougats for my situation. What about you?

We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.

When did you feel loved today?

When did you feel lonely?

What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?

What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?

What can I do to help you right now?

I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.

~~ Glennon Melton

alcoholic family wheel of abuse

ALCOHOLIC FAMILY WHEEL OF ABUSE

drawn, configured, written and conceived by Lise Winne

© 1/30/2014

inquiries: lilacgrovegraphics (att) yahoo.com

The way this wheel works:

It starts on the red and then goes around and around until the victim

starts a new life after experiencing the grey part of the circle a number of times. 

If all family members get help, it increases the chances for a better outcome. 

This wheel was inspired by the cycle of abuse wheel (which is almost always portrayed as between two people). I go a little further than that for the alcoholic family and include all of the enablers in the wheel. 

Alanon is basically a program for recovery. When you are in recovery and learning to cope, you realize the coping methods can be used in your other relationships as well (including any toxic family members, co-workers, anyone). 

"When you're living with an alcoholic, it's ALL about them" is what I remember hearing in my first meetings by some of the attendees.

True, but....

Other people (and family members around the alcoholic) can be just as toxic as many alcoholics, even people who are sober. They can pick fights, send you a barrage of insults and labels, reject you for no apparent reason other than to see what kind of rise they'll get out of you, play with your emotions to see if you'll grovel or to see how valuable they are to you, pit people against each other, play nasty favoritism games, threaten and intimidate you, tell you that you're making mountains out of molehills when you're hurt, and so on. Some sober people can be as controlling, deceitful, angry, threatening and self centered as many alcoholics.

What I have witnessed with crazy, controlling, abusive, provoking, rejecting, upsetting families is that when a family member attempts recovery (through a program like Alanon) and they start setting up healthy boundaries or of challenging other members to stop a blame game (for instance) the other family members always seem to want to drag the person who is trying to be more healthy about communications back into the dysfunctional fray again.

Someone I know likened it to a bucket of crabs. If one attempts to get away, then the other crabs try to pull it back in again. Ugh...

"My whole family is about sick forms of communication: telling each other what to do every second of their time together, attack-then-defend situations at every turn, unsolicited advice, everybody's a busy-body, everyone is trying to take control, manipulate and teach someone something, everyone is talking over each other and not listening, then there's the jostling for alliances, power and betrayals which cause a lot of hurt, fighting and gossip, and then there's the abusive, self centered alcoholic at the center of everything," a woman told me, looking exasperated. Exactly. Most alcoholic families seem to be like this. 

By the time most people come to Alanon, they are in extreme pain from all of this nonsense. Many have been shunned from their families as a tactic to get them back in line again. A lot of Alanon members adopt each other as their new family, just so they can have some form of deep, respectful communication with people who are serious about working on themselves, who want real love without a myriad of conditions, so that they can enjoy fulfilling relationships somewhere in their lives. Many Thanksgivings and Christmases are planned with the adopted Alanon family members. I notice many are polite to their biological families, but keep them at arms length. The arms-length approach often takes their biological families seven years to accept (ouch! ... but until then, there is often a silent chasm -- the family often steps up the shunnings and insults, the cold hearted replies and rejections, the nitpicking criticisms and on-purpose hurtful acts). No one seems to like a person who is changing. Everyone wants them the way they used to be, even if the way they used to be was a person in an excruciating amount of pain with no voice and very low self esteem. What happened to the quiet malleable one we could mold? What happened to our meek little mouse we could insult if they got out of line? they ask. The sicker family members will insist on malleability, submission, drag-in-the-mud communications and dirty politics no matter what is at stake or for how long. They want the family member who is taking the brunt of all of the abuse to remain silent.

But silence in a situation like this is never golden. Every time the victim goes back to a dysfunctional abusive alcoholic family, it gets worse for them.

Shunnings in dysfunctional alcoholic families are as common as women in third world countries who are brutally raped being shunned by their families and stoned by their villages. It's the western version of it...