perfection in abusive relationships: parents and partners who expect perfectionism, and punish if they are not receiving it

name of cartoon: perfection in abusive relationships 
(an off-shoot of "Erroneous Blaming")
image is © Lise Winne
(for questions regarding use of images or contract an image for your next article
contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

(Note: a similar post to this one is erroneous blaming and erroneous punishments, with a cartoon that is almost identical. This post repeats a lot of the same subject matter as that post, so if you have read that post, there will be some repeated information -- "perfectionism" is just one of the facets of erroneous blaming)

Usually these kinds of abusers are very demanding. They want what they want, when they want it, and they expect you to perform perfectly for them (and all with accompanying "perfect attitudes").

They make a determination that if you are not performing to their specifications, you will have to pay the consequences: either silent treatments, withdrawing love, withdrawing consideration and kindness, withdrawing money or food, being isolated from your family, or being put through some sort of torture: physical, emotional, sexual, environmental, threats, neglect, it could be anything.

Often the point of their abuse and torture is to instill in you that you are not worthwhile (or only as good as they say you are), that they can live without you, and if they are to be kind to you at all, you will have to perform for them: to prove that you can do what they expect of you, "perfectly" and without complaint. You are to regard them as "perfect" as well: often hard to do because most abusers are liars, shams, cheaters, backstabbers, blackmailers, ruthlessly punishing (abusive), and many abusers put you through "love triangles" too. But you are expected to "pretend" to view them as infallible nonetheless, to turn a blind eye, and especially for their audience of superficial friends and "followers" (yes, they believe they have followers who adore them and hang on to every word). If you don't say "perfect" things about them, there is often a severe punishment (i.e. abuse), where they torture you. How they torture you depends on the abuser. They might give you the silent treatment for days, weeks, months or years, they might isolate you and/or try to ruin your reputation, they might withdraw money suddenly, they might poison you, or sexually abuse you, or batter you, or, if you are a child, neglect you (throw you in a basement without food, expect you to live in outside conditions in freezing weather, expect you to be locked in a room for weeks without basic necessities, ration your food, demand endless apologies that they deem to not be "good enough"; again it could be anything!). Most abusers are flattery addicts, unempathetic, lack integrity, which is to say that they are, by and large, hypocrites. 

And almost all of them think that their victims will be learning how to treat them better through these cruel kinds of acts.

In all abusive relationships, an expectation to perform "perfectly" and to speak "perfectly" is always present. "Perfectionism" can, and often means "perfect tone of voice", "perfect words with no complaining or criticism in them", "perfect execution of their demands", "perfect phrasing of words and emotions -- usually they want you to be emotionally flat and always polite" (even though they rarely are), "perfect altruistic motives towards them", and so on.

Abusers are known to punish if they interpret your attitudes, actions and looks as less than perfect. Even if you are doing everything to please them, they are known to say you aren't "perfect enough" as their way to justify more punishments, as abusing is how they feel important and in control. They also see it as their way to get what they need. Abusers even take command of telling you what you are feeling, thinking, and doing and why it is, or is not, good enough (or "a punishable offense"). It is their way of saying that they are in charge of everything: your feelings, your thoughts, your actions, and their interpretations of all of your feelings, thoughts and actions.

This is a part of erroneous blaming, which always goes hand in hand with perfectionism in abusive relationships. Other kinds of abuses including mocking, vilifying, smear campaigns, verbal abuse and gaslighting usually are also part of the arsenal of weapons perpetrators use when expecting perfectionism from their victims.

One of the first signs of an abusive family is that the authority figures tell you what you are thinking and feeling. If you are having an argument with them, they make it known that they don't care what you feel, that your job is to only care what they feel. That is why they usually say "No, you hurt me!" when you tell them that they egregiously hurt you. Abusive people don't care about how they hurt you; if anything they will try to endlessly excuse and justify it.

Abusive parents expect you to perform duties to perfection, even when you are no longer a child, and sometimes even when you are 60. Child abuse is a campaign that is leveraged upon their child for a lifetime unless the family gets help along the way (counseling).

If your parents punish you when you are an adult it is always abuse. The only person who has a right to punish another adult is a court appointed judge or jury in a legal system, or authorities if you are incarcerated, or an officer in a military situation. Sometimes bosses punish workers by firing them, but that can be abusive too if they don't follow legal procedures.

One way to tell if a child may be part of an abusive family is how parents react to their child. For instance, if the child got bullied in school (and yes, victims of child abuse are often the primary targets of school bullying) do they say to their child, "What did you do to get yourself in that mess?" or "What did you do to deserve it?". Note this is a "sign", not a definitive conclusion that they are abusive parents. The point is that non-abusive parents generally say, "I'm concerned," or "Are you okay?" or "How are you doing and how are you feeling about what happened?" or "What can I do to help my child?" They aren't trying to referee the bullying or trying to decide who is at fault right away, or what kind of "less than perfect thoughts, feelings and actions" brought on the bullying. Some abusive parents even argue with their child about how the child is thinking and feeling right in front of school authorities.  

In a post entitled The Perfectionist Tyrant, Sallie Culbreth, M.S. states that many survivors of abuse suffer from self esteem issues from pressures over perfection. Here is an excerpt: 

Perfectionism takes on many forms – from being an over-achiever to being an under-achiever. Perfectionism is a common malady among survivors of abuse, exploitation, and sexual trauma. At its core, it is the relentless drive to avoid powerlessness, but that drive is a tyrant. The tyrant sends you into a panic every time you feel the threat of being exposed as “less than.”

It is vital for you to remember that the experience of abuse educated you about your value. The problem is that those lessons are built around lies and manipulation. Nonetheless, they feel true and, over time, they become enmeshed with how you define your worth.

What do you believe about your worth based on the lessons of abuse? That you have no value. That you’re not good enough. That you’re disposable. That there’s something wrong with you. That you’re only good for one thing. These are the lies that feel very true, but please note: THEY ARE STILL LIES.

Now here’s where it gets dicey: perfectionism is your response to these lies, but it is so extreme that it can impair how you approach life and your ability to function in a healthy way. As I stated at the beginning, perfectionism can manifest in two seemingly opposite behaviors: over-achievement and under-achievement.

Over-achiever perfectionism screams at you that if you don’t work day and night to accomplish everything you do without any mistakes, then you’ll sink into those wretched definitions of the lies and feel completely exposed as a disposable, valueless idiot ...

... Under-achiever perfectionism screams at you that you’ll never be able to attain the goals you’ve set – that you’ll never be good enough – so why bother? You believe that everyone already knows your worth, so why risk failure and face that horrific moment when you’re reminded one more time that you’re “less than” and always will be. You find it easier to never take risks than to risk being less than perfect.

Both of these expressions are based on distorted ideas about self that come from the experience of being abused. It is one of the most insidious and stubborn beliefs that survivors must confront ...

If your parents punish you because of a complaint or a look, it is abuse. It is also about "perfectionism" at its core. Perfectionism is usually abusive because there is an implied threat of a "punishment" behind it: for instance, "If you give me that look I don't like, I'll hurt you!" or "If you complain about me one bit, I'll reject you!" Look to see if they are putting labels on your motives (and remember that these are ALWAYS their ways of perceiving you).

Abusers often interpret your look or speech the way they want to see you, not as who you are. They might see a look and interpret it as something they don't like or as impertinence. All abusers hate even the possibility of impertinence, so they are known to do pre-emptive strikes. Other things they don't like include what they perceive as a look of autonomy from their victims, a look of ingratitude, a look of rebellion, a look of disbelief, a look of appearing superior to them when they expect you to perceive yourself as inferior to them, a critical look, a quizzical look, a look that portrays to them that you might abandon them, a look of rolling your eyes, a look of smirking (which they might interpret as you laughing at them and thinking of them as inferior), and a look of disgust at what they are saying. Victims who have these kinds of thoughts about them are terrifying to them, so they punish over the possibilities first and escalate wildly if they actually become realities (most abusers are personality-disordered). It is because they, themselves want to know their victims look at them at all times as "perfect" and as "superiors" and the only way they know how to keep their victims from growing out of idealizing them is to punish.

Malignant narcissists and sociopaths (who make up the most dangerous abusers) especially have absolutely zero tolerance for anyone who might be slightly or fleetingly feeling in ways they find threatening. They want so badly your childlike gullibility or they feel absolutely threatened by you to the point where they can become either scary or dangerous.

Why scary? Because they make threats. Their threats are NOT to be taken lightly. Even if they take their threats back, and promise not to use them after all, they have a propensity to be unstable, and cannot be counted on to do what they say. Also, if they have a history of severely abusing they are certainly not to be trusted. Severe abuses include silent treatments that last months, erroneous blaming sessions that never seem to end, only letting up on abuse after they see you begging and crying, physical abuse.

They are also dangerous because abuse usually escalates regardless, and abuse can also be deadly even if your abuser meant only to hurt you just so far without killing you. They also tend to get ever more sensitive to what your looks and feelings might be portraying as the relationship deepens: if they deem you to be resisting being perfect in the way they want, they can, and do, take abuse to another level. They can graduate from emotional abuse to physical abuse very, very quickly. Some signs to look out for include touch which is at all hostile, pushing, intimidating physical stances where they expect you to walk around them, breaking or smashing property, being rough with material things, destroying gifts you have given them (especially if it is your parents or partner who are destroying your gifts), yelling at you in your personal space (within 6 feet of you), leaning into you to command, lecture or stare you down, clenching their fists while talking to you. These are all the beginning danger signs in terms of physical violence.

Don't make the assumption that you will always be able to follow their demands (i.e. keep safe in that way). Many abusers expect you to eventually fulfill demands that are unethical, dangerous, self-sabotaging, self-sacrificing and self-harming. Almost all victims eventually come to the conclusion that they have to abandon abusive people because of these practices.

Be aware that their interpretation of your "imperfect looks" are really, underneath it all, them feeling threatened by you and afraid of you. What they are really saying is: "don't judge me, don't question me, don't disagree with me, don't investigate who I am or what my motives are, don't feel worthwhile, happy, successful and autonomous without my consent. Only look at me as perfect, please!" Alternatively they can be thinking "Only look at me as perfect, or else you will pay and pay and pay!" They are such utterly paranoid people that if you grimace, they are known to take it very personally, and put vilifying, dark interpretations on it with all kinds of erroneous guilt trips attached, just to scare you from even considering thoughts and feelings that they might not like. They don't ever want to be hurt by your thoughts or feelings and that is the purpose of all of their crazy-making guilt trips, which can often escalate to withdrawals and other punishments, just to make it known to you to keep your thoughts and feelings contained, in the dark recesses of your mind, to yourself, and even deny such feelings if you have them. To them it doesn't really matter whether you never meant to hurt them at all; what matters to them is that you never think to even entertain the possibility of having a thought or feeling that blames them for anything, that makes them culpable for anything, that is at all at odds with how they want to be perceived.

How you look at them, then, can become one huge problem that they feel they cannot ignore. This is the ultimate crux of their retaliations against you (and remember: retaliation in close personal relationships = always abuse).

See my post on erroneous blaming for more information.

Most abusers have personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. If they aren't making devious plans to physically disable you or to get rid of you, they may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If they want to cause you physical pain, or get rid of you, they are likely to have Antisocial Personality Disorder. In other words, narcissists usually emotionally abuse those closest to them (getting rid of you through silent treatments, disabling you socially) and antisocials usually physically abuse those closest to them (getting rid of you by planning your demise, disabling you physically and mentally). Unchecked and unchallenged narcissists can often join the ranks of the Antisocial Personality-disordered (sociopaths). Be aware that alcoholism in some people can mimic Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the difference being that when they give up the bottle entirely (rehab), they stop acting narcissistically.

What you can count on from narcissists and sociopaths is that there will be a lot of projection: they will see you as they are. They might see you as impertinent because they are impertinent; they might see you as someone who looks at their statements in disgust because they typically look at other people's statements in disgust; they might see you as disloyal and unfaithful because they are disloyal and unfaithful; they might see you as hyper-critical or condescending because they are hyper-critical and condescending; they might see you as evil because they are evil.

Unfortunately for victims, abuse for many narcissists and sociopaths is like a heroin fix: they get off on watching you suffer and "get punished" by them, and they get addicted to abuse because they get off on other people suffering. In order to get more satisfaction from abusing you, they escalate abuse. Most emotional and verbal abusers end up physically abusing. Abusers have also been known to make things up about you just to get their fix of abuse. It is just part of the escalation process no matter what you do or say.

When abusers graduate to more and more escalations of abuse, victims often realize there is a pattern and leave their abusers. Abusers then typically make promises to their victims not to abuse again. Unless they are doing an awful lot of therapy, and are treating you with the utmost respect, unless they are willing to respect every single last boundary that you put up, it is a ruse. It is just about them wanting to get their fix again.

Further reading:

In this post entitled Understanding the Trauma of Child Abuse by Richard Gold, he discusses how blame, victimization and the appearance of "perfectionism" often leads to severe trauma for the abused scapegoats of such families:
Excerpts (but the whole article is worth reading):
A child is blamed. It’s important to understand that abuse is not a “simple” hit or sex act. Abuse is coercive. The victim is blamed for the victimization. In the proc­ess, the abuser exerts control in ways that are torturous and terrifying.
A child feels ashamed. It’s important to understand that the failure of kindness and protection in the family is a profound wound to the child. The victim is deeply ashamed at this loss and carries the burden of feeling unlovable.
Beyond the circumstances of fragmentation and a sense of personal defective­ness, that reinforce one another and are further reinforced by blame and shame, there are powerful factors within abusive family systems that reinforce trauma.
Here are some of the factors in abusive family systems that reinforce trauma. Within a family, the abuser may not only be dominant, but idealized. And everyone in the family may measure themselves by the abuser’s moods ...

... Often there is an enforced isolation for the family, where the abuser passes judgment and controls outside contacts. This isolation limits the child victim’s opportunities for understanding and healing. Often in an abusive family there is a parent who is a passive enabler of the abuser, and this role is significant. The enabler makes it possible for the family to be a self-contained system. The en­abler may support or justify the abuser. The enabler may allow or even encour­age the child to serve as a target for abuse ...

... In the end, the abused child may carry the huge burden of preserving the family as an ideal – and therefore may carry a huge burden of guilt for failing in that impossible task ...
... In addition to messages from the parent that the child deserves blame for family problems, there are also significant messages that the parent doesn’t want the child to be happy or to succeed as a person beyond the abusive parent’s limited capabilities. So the child feels guilt and failure for its successes, as well for its victimizations ...

... One powerful theme throughout circumstances of abuse is the theme of secrecy. There are secrets that the child victim keeps from itself. There are secrets that the child victim keeps from the abuser, from the enabler, etc. – and vice versa. There are secrets that the abusive family keeps from society. The abusive family sus­tains itself with falsehoods ...

Narcissists Say “Mistakes Must Not Be Made” -- by Lenora Thompson
Sexual Abuse Takes Toll on Victims by Trish Kinney. Discusses that sexual abuse carries with it not only physical maladies (like cancer and IBS) that can show up years later, but many victims also develop "perfectionist personalities."

The Impact of Child Sexual Abuse on Adolescents by Sanford Health, includes withdrawing from the pain of abuse by trying to be perfectionist, people-pleasers, and overachievers.

Perfectionism plays a role in child abuse and spousal abuse from The Violence and Addiction Equation, Theoretical Conclusions in Sustance Abuse and Relationship Violence book by Christine Wekerle, Anne-Marie Wall   

Healing from Childhood Abuse: Understanding the Effects, Taking Control to Recover by John J. Lemoncelli -- it has a chapter on perfectionism and people-pleasing as being qualities of victims of abuse

Feeling you must be perfect, and perform perfectly can also be a form of self-abuse. This is just one post of many posts.

People obsessed with grammar aren't as nice as everybody else, study suggests by MJ Franklin

A forum topic is raised about "perfectionism" from a mental health provider, who still hasn't had time to heal from her own traumatic childhood ... many other people respond by telling of their experiences as well.

from Miramir.com:

A cool quote by Rebecca Eanes
copyright to respectful owner:

"Does being in a narcissistic relationship make you feel like you can't make a mistake?"
by psychologist Ramani Durvasula:

I thought this video by Scott Bassett was worthwhile (narcissists can't love

and don't really know what to do with it):

Here is another video by Scott Bassett explaining why narcissists need you to feel

that they can live without you, that they are not dependent on anyone

(basically it is fear-based because admitting to themselves

that they need relationships makes them feel weak, inferior and out of command):

constant insults and criticism (verbal abuse), how to deal with them

name of illustration: "Verbal Abuse and C-PTSD"

image is © Lise Winne

2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Being around people who constantly criticize you, find fault with you, insult you, defame your character (verbal abuse), or try to teach you a lesson (inappropriate between adults if it is not solicited), can be very difficult to deal with. Most of these people think of themselves as superior to you, so however you respond will not be heard unless they hear that you agree with them. Many victims simply become silent: "I'm talking to a brick wall anyway. Why bother ..."

People who have Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder (which are all cluster B personality disorders), or who are active addicts and alcoholics with significant anger management issues, make up the majority of abusers in this country. People with these personality disorders are less likely to change how they behave (and they also overwhelmingly show that they don't want to either). Here are some basic reasons why:

*Active addicts and alcoholics: Active alcoholics with anger management issues tend to act narcissistically (see how and why narcissists verbally abuse below). Like narcissists, they cannot handle any criticism and tend to attack people who they think are criticizing them. However, they can be more violent, unpredictable, impulsive and unthinking than narcissists, especially when they are drunk. Addicts will almost always put their drug before any relationship. Ethics usually take a back seat to personal desires and needs. Many addicts sense that if they are being rewarded for being verbally abusive and manipulative, they will use it, especially if the topic includes their drug.

*Unenlightened borderlines cannot take a hint of a complaint or criticism. It is like the end of the world for them where they feel abandoned. They tend to be more verbally abusive (as well as emotionally abusive), than the general population. According to this article by A.J. Mahari: (The) core wound of abandonment, when one is very young and experiences it, is the experience of psychological death. It is intense and arouses the borderline to fight for survival while they experience the sheer terror of feeling like they might actually just die or be killed by what they are feeling. This heightened state of arousal is both psychological and biological – it is physiological. It is a strong drive to survive and rage is at its core. Rage is the most primal feeling generated and the most protective defense that a young infant can muster to try to have the caregiver return to once again provide some sense of being for the infant ... Feelings and reactions of rage are experienced by those who go on to develop BPD so early in life that they precede cognitive and verbal development. This is what makes borderline rage so primal, so intense, and in the case of the borderline so raw and unmanageable in terms of often triggered dysregulated emotion of those with BPD.

*Unenlightened narcissists make up the majority of narcissists because to be enlightened means to be willing to look as deeply within the self as outside the self. True intelligence means being able to honestly assess both. Narcissists cannot assess both. It is unclear whether they are incapable of it, or are unwilling to self reflect. Like borderlines, narcissists also cannot take a hint of a complaint or criticism. They do not try to understand themselves from other people's points of view. They will not admit, even a little, that they could be wrong. So they tend to react childishly to feeling wounded: they vehemently attack other people: they rage, deflect, berate, blame, shame and purposely hurt others. They attack other people's points of view even if they feel they have to lie to do it. They are highly resistant to therapy, anger management classes, couples counseling and family counseling (unless they are praised by a therapist, which is unlikely, given narcissists ruthless behavior). According to this Psychology Today article by Leon Seltzer, PhD, narcissists experience any hint or feeling of criticism as a grave injury to their core selves ("narcissistic injury" is the term for it). They then go into "narcissistic rage" where they attack their target personally, usually using a barrage of criticisms and insults (verbal abuse), and they can be emotionally and physically abusive too. According to the article:  (They have) this need to be viewed as perfect, superlative, or infallible that makes them so hypersensitive to criticism. And their typical reaction to criticism, disagreement, challenges-or sometimes even the mere suggestion that they consider doing something differently-can lead to the "narcissistic rage" that is another of their trademarks. To protect their delicate ego in the face of such intensely felt danger, they're decidedly at risk for going ballistic against their perceived adversary ... All of which indicates just how fragile their artificially bloated sense of self really is. Given the enormity of their defenses, they regard themselves not on a par with, but above others. Yet they're mortally threatened when anyone dares question their words or behavior ... they take great pains to devalue or invalidate the person criticizing them. To achieve such dismissal of the threatening other, they'll do everything possible to negate their viewpoint. And this can include much more than blaming or indignantly challenging them. For narcissists, when their position has been exposed as false, arbitrary, or untenable, will suddenly become evasive, articulate half-truths, lie (actually, as much to themselves as others), flat-out contradict themselves (and to a degree that can leave the other person gasping!), and freely rewrite history (literally--and audaciously--making things up as they go along). This is why at such times they don't seem adults so much as six-year-olds ... In short, they often become so brutal, and even dangerous in their abuses, that they are abandoned by others.

*Sociopaths are highly abusive no matter what the situation. These are not happy people, so they tend to be on the look-out for someone in their lives whom they can hurt. They tend to be abusive on all levels: verbally, emotionally and physically. According to the APA's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, text revision (DSM IV-TR) -- (Wikipedia link), defines antisocial personality disorder (Cluster B):[7]
A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:
... failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

*Psychopaths are like sociopaths except they can hold down jobs, pretend to fit in with society and they carefully plan hurtful, evil deeds, which may or may not include verbal abuse. Many studies indicate that psychopaths have a brain disorder, while sociopaths are a product of their environment.

*Some very insecure people are addicted to criticizing others. It makes them feel better about themselves if they can criticize and verbally diminish others. Once they become social outcasts, they are usually more willing to change their behavior than personality disordered human beings.

Abuse can be learned too, especially if the abuser's parent has or had a personality disorder. These are also the kinds of people who can change and are more willing to seek help. The impetus for change is usually the result of wanting to hold onto a personal relationship. The abuser no longer wants to be abusive. For people who want to sacrifice a need for power and control in order to be in intimate loving relationships, therapy can work wonders. Therapists have remarked at how trans-formative the process can be from going to a person who makes threats to a person who listens to others and expresses a desire to have both people's needs met.

But people who have learned abuse, can also be stubborn about wanting to change. How do you tell if someone is stubborn as opposed to open? By listening to their words. These are the kinds of words that tell you they don't want to change:

"I grew up with this kind of behavior and I came out okay."
"I grew up with this behavior and I'm not going to change now."
"I grew up where you had to be tough. So I'm tough. If you're not tough, you get trampled on."
"I am what I am, for better or worse."
"I grew up with this behavior and everyone seems to do it: it's normal! Get over it!"
"Sometimes I go off the deep end and let my temper get the better of me. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll do better next time" -- and then they don't do better next time.
"You're too sensitive. Get some street smarts, for goddsakes! It helps to toughen up!"
"If I went around and got sensitive over every insult, I'd be in the nut-house! You have to be able to take insults and that is all there is to it!"
"I have to insult you because you're a goddamn nutcase!"
"Comedians insult! It's part of our culture! Lump it or leave it!"
"I don't care if you don't like it! I have a right to insult you whenever I want to! And right now you deserve it!"

Victims of verbal abuse often find themselves in one of several roles:

1. Criticizing, insulting or retaliating right back to keep from shutting down in your personal relationship, to keep energized and defending against the abuse by going on the attack. And attacking can be a way to feel strong, invincible, intact. You shout over each other, verbally tear each other to shreds, compare each other to others or turn them into snakes or other lowly creatures, bring out "extras" like what happened in a past argument, educate yourself for your side of the argument or defense. You can also get out your fists if you want to over-power them some more (turning the fight into a domestic violence incident). But you only attack them and insult them if they start verbally tearing you down or insulting you first, right? "Giving it right back" definitely can help you have a sense of autonomy from the one who attacked you by putting you on the same level as they are, like equal weight fighters in a boxing ring. Like lawyers, you can fight for your positions, even persuade a jury, and if all else fails, find some flaw in the other person that you can attack endlessly every time you think you need to win your side of the argument.

The only problem is that fighting fire with fire sets up a situation where your partner gets bruised and you get bruised too. You both go around in pain by what the other person has done. Then soon after that, fear of each other enters the relationship too, creating feelings of avoidance of the other person. It destroys the intimacy little by little and the two people become "indifferent" to each other (for more, read my blog post about how relationships are destroyed: from ego, indifference or abuse).

Why is indifference so bad? It is what divorces and permanent separations are made of. Have you ever studied a relationship where the two people are insulting each other every time they have an argument? They become indifferent to each other's perspectives, right? They shout over each other. They are mostly only interested in attack and/or persuasion, right? They are only interested in their side of the argument.

It is like building up an army. They have their walls, their trenches, their armor, their ways of defending and ways of attacking, and so do you. The strategy might change over time, but basically every difference or argument is a war.

This is what can happen when dealing with two people who have learned abuse in their childhoods. These relationships and behaviors can change, but only if both people want to change. Therapy can make the process go a little faster because you have a third party picking up on all of the unhealthy ways the two people are relating to each other and making suggestions to change it.

With personality-disordered individuals, the process of asking the disordered person to stop being abusive is practically impossible. They can't even think of other alternatives to the destructive fight fire with fire dance. With borderlines and narcissists, you cannot even hint at a complaint without getting a strong over-reaction. Borderlines have been known to become awash in extremes of emotions over criticism. They often go through a gamut of emotions like anger, rage, retaliation, wailing, breaking or ripping up precious mementos that bring up memories of their beloved and the past they shared together, and feeling suicidal at the end of it all, as though they will shrivel up and die over the criticism. They have also been known to falsify stories and slander their loved ones to win their side of the argument, and that adds a whole other dimension to the jury they seek. Narcissists, on the other hand, react to criticism in a more cold and scheming way. They retaliate wildly at any hint of criticism. Their favorite weapon of choice is a prolonged silent treatment (which is one of the more damaging and nefarious emotional abuses). During their silent treatments away from you, they usually try to hurt you in other ways too: by using the time to have fun (used to provoke the victim: i.e. "I am having fun, and you aren't, and I don't care if you are suffering", a very childish and hurtful kind of reaction to a conflict), through lies and slander, through scheming, by betraying you through cheating on you or becoming intimate with your enemies, by withdrawing all affection, through divide and conquer strategies, through enlisting other bullies to take you down (so that they can blame their co-bully if things go wrong), in addition to insulting you and lecturing you to make sure you understand that they are superior to you (at least in their own minds). They also like to play the victim, accuse you of what they are guilty of.

While normal adults can learn bad behaviors from narcissists, especially if they grew up with them, the difference is that normal adults are usually able to self reflect. Most narcissists are totally inept at self reflection and run away from any situation where they are being asked to use it. Furthermore, they love insulting others because it makes them feel energized, omnipotent, and most importantly, superior (their life goal), while feeding off of the pain and emotions of their victims, which is like food for their unfeeling cold souls.

Borderlines and narcissists are often abandoned because they cannot fight fair, and narcissists have also been known to go in for the kill as much as they can get away with, without breaking the law.

As for the antisocial personality disordered (sociopaths), they don't care what others think or feel, and they don't care if they break the law either, as long as they can inflict harm and damage on their subjects.

Be aware that breaking the law can be as simple as false imprisonment; like barring you from leaving their lecturing/blaming/shaming session, for instance. However, many sociopaths are capable of more criminal behavior than that, and usually escalate criminality and abuse if they don't get what they want.

Usually you can tell the difference between sociopaths and narcissists by how they react when they hurt you.

Narcissists will pretend to care about your hurt feelings down the road (after they have punished you and hurt you enough with their silent treatment). They pretend to care for one reason: to get back into your life for more narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply refers to getting sated by more flattery and enjoying and scheming how to control you via the wheel of abuse.

Sociopaths, on the other hand, hardly ever show care if they hurt you, except as a ruse to lure you into danger, i.e. to abuse you some more, entrap you and ensnare you, and keep you from leaving until they have you under their total control, listening to their demands and ultimatums, using fear and intimidation to get what they want.

Narcissists get off mostly on flattery whereas sociopaths mostly get off on fear. Sociopaths feel increasingly entitled to hurt you the more you resist being lured into their trap to abuse you. Scheming ways to hurt you and get away with it can overwhelm their minds.

If you fight fire with fire with these kinds of individuals, you can end up dead, injured, your property destroyed, or with debilitating PTSD (robotic, depressed, difficulty functioning simple tasks, isolating yourself, traumatic recurring nightmares, extreme passivity, disassociation, hypervigilence, suicide ideation) or Stockholm Syndrome (loving and/or worshiping an abuser to survive abuse). That is why abandoning them is mostly your only option and it is what most victims prefer anyway, because a life of happiness, fulfillment, and joy does not come from abuse, or even the highs and lows of the cycle of abuse.

As for fighting fire with fire with alcoholics, Alanon strongly advises against this. As I have mentioned before, alcoholics can act narcissistic-ally, plus they are also impaired in their judgement. They often see animosity in others when there isn't any. Attacking back when a loved one is alcohol-impaired and verbally assaulting you is dangerous. They are very unlikely to hear any reason, or to hear you at all. They can take everything you say and any look you give as an act of aggression.

Fighting fire with fire is a mutually abusive relationship. Verbal abuse, belittling, being mean, constant chiding, constant verbal put-downs (even in humor), isn't attractive in either the person who initiated it, or the person who used it to retaliate. Unless you want to live like the Jerry Springer Show in your personal and family relationships, there is no other way than to seek a better solution and way of life either by getting out of the relationship, or by both parties committing to a different non-abusive way of relating to one another.

You don't have any more integrity than your abuser, no matter how many barbs and insults you throw back at your abuser. Nothing is accomplished where neither party is listening to or agreeing with one another and the only thing that matters is scorching your loved one by attacking him or her in defense of yourself.

Additionally, if one of you starts backing down, and closing the other out, or acting passively, or appearing flat and emotion-less, these are signs of PTSD. All of the fighting makes brain chemicals react to the onslaught of constant threat and the stress it creates.

The intimacy is being killed right before your very eyes.

Battlefields do not make for healthy environments.

2. Going along to get along.  Say you are being verbally abused on a constant basis and you do not react to it, or almost always try to react reasonably and agreeably to it, then what happens?

One way or another, the road to mutual indifference is still likely to happen.

Sometimes people practice passivity because they do not want to be engaged in conflict. Perhaps it is because they feel disgusted with themselves if they act like abusers and bulldozers after their own agendas. Perhaps they've been brought up to be considerate of others' feelings, to be polite at all times, to appeal to the goodness of all people, to love your enemies.

At any rate, they already know that tearing their loved one down verbally will not garner good results.

So they try their best to appease.

Perhaps they stay in the relationship for the kids, or because they view marriage as an eternal union by their religion, or they've invested so much time and energy into it that they aren't ready to bail even though it has become a nightmare. Or they believe that their partner should come first before all others, no matter how badly they act. Or they appeal to their partner for better treatment, i.e. they try to get their partners to give up the bad habit of insulting them and hurting them. Maybe the abusive partner hears you say that you are hurt by their words and makes efforts to change. Maybe they don't.

Perhaps passivity is a way to feel more holy; i.e. like a good or saintly martyr.

Except being a martyr to the constant onslaught of verbal abuse can create a constant state of suffering and depression. You may get PTSD or C-PTSD whether you react kindly or not to verbal abuse and put-downs. (for more on why being a martyr is bad for you and bad for the verbal abuser go to my posts, If You Are Good and Show Altruism and Magnanimity, Will That Keep You From Being Abused? and Forgiving Abusers: the "You're Better Than That" Family Culture That Expects Victims of Familial Abuse to Make Up With Their Abuser.

Sometimes people who have been scapegoated by their family of origin or brought up by a borderline, narcissistic or sociopath parent learn passivity because fighting back brings extreme forms of punishment. Parents with personality disorders usually punish their children more often and severely. Punishments can range from a child being isolated for long periods of time, toys destroyed, a child's goals sabotaged, precious possessions being taken from them, erroneous guilt trips and punishments (like being reprimanded and disciplined for "that look on your face" for instance), expecting the child to be happy when they are sad, deprivation, neglect, favoritism of a "sycophant golden child" which can set up a situation of sibling abuse (see my blog posts about sibling abuse here and here ... another post about Favoritism in the Family is also relevant). Indeed all manner of emotional or physical abuse can be practiced by a parent. See this post for a list of emotional child abuses.

People with personality disorders also have a habit of lying to justify their actions and make themselves look better than they really are, an extra challenge for a small child.

Being groomed to take abuse, which is what happens when a child is scapegoated, means the child has learned to react to abuse by either shutting down, cowering, disassociating and living with constant PTSD (C-PTSD). Abusive parents have been known to use the symptoms of PTSD in the child to explain to others that his child is crazy or a little off, thereby justifying more abuse. Disordered parents are notorious for using gaslighting too to cover up their abuses and lies by making the child look like someone who can't decipher or speak about reality. C-PTSD is even more pronounced if there is chronic sibling or sexual abuse. The child's only other choice (and I do mean only) is to become a real-life marionette to his disordered parent.

Scapegoats are less like marionettes than their other siblings however; that is why they are scapegoated.

The golden "favorite" child is the more likely boot-licker and many goldens mimic their parent's disorder (as the highest form of flattery) in order to receive special privilege. Golden children, however, can also be severely punished, because so much more is expected of them. It is hard to be a full time marionette no matter how golden you are, to never slip up on your super-sensitive-to-any-criticism parent, to never be allowed an autonomous thought or action, to sacrifice your spouse or children for the parent, to praise your parent at every turn even when you know they are wrong, to go along with lies and slander, to be quiet when you want to speak up, to be willing to bully and slander others at a moment's notice at their request even if you don't want to, to agree to everything they want at all times, to follow their advice about your own life even when you know they are saying it to sabotage you (a sabotaged child is a weak child, is a more desperate child, is more likely to be a sycophant out of desperation). Golden children are more likely to get Stockholm Syndrome than family scapegoats. But, looking through forums, it is clear the greater majority of golden children abandon their disordered parents like the prior family scapegoats have done, even if they are the last of their siblings to do so.

Why? Because if there aren't any scapegoats left, they become scapegoated too (the parent alternates between scapegoating and idealizing). Goldens aren't used to that, so they can walk away without ever looking back! Many goldens are fellow narcissists and grew up feeling "more entitled" than their siblings. They feel entitled to a privileged life without burdens, and if all of the other siblings are out of the picture, no other sibling is around to protest how the parent is treated or abandoned.

As for reacting to passivity to people with severe personality disorders, as I have said, children of these kinds of parents get C-PTSD, so why would anyone want to voluntarily be in a relationship of this kind? No amount of their being handsome or a beautiful knock-out, no amount of money, no amount of "special privileges", no amount of great sex or family connections, no amount of putting up with abuse is worth it! It is like working for a cult leader or tyrannical boss. Fear, abandoning your dreams, your dignity, your autonomy, your sense of right and wrong, your thoughts, and saying "yes" to many forms of immorality (giving up your soul), living through deafening abusive silent treatments, being willing to put up with someone who enjoys hurting others, is the price of being involved with a severely disordered person.

As for family scapegoats, they can often find themselves in other relationships with disordered individuals as they go through life. Why? Familiarity! Plus they are used to being expected to go along to get along. Their families have groomed them to take abuse and all blame for everything that goes wrong in relationships. Until scapegoats realize they are in a bad pattern of accepting narcissistic and sociopath lovers, spouses and friends in their life, and that abuse isn't their fault, they often feel they can't escape abuse. It just keeps showing up again and again. Additionally, narcissistic and sociopath predators have a way of sniffing out scapegoated prey and family "rejects" as an easy way to get the narcissistic supply they so desperately want. Scapegoats who end up going to a therapist often wake up to what their family has done to them, and find they can break the cycle.

From reading forums, it is clear that most scapegoats feel they must sacrifice their families and go off on their own. Narcissistic parents are especially known for punishing and rejecting children who do not completely disclose every aspect of their lives to the narcissistic parent. It doesn't matter if the child is 60! Failure to disclose brings about retaliation. It is impossible to trust a narcissist, so the scapegoat most often will not be willing to disclose which sets up the conflict. Some scapegoats manage a relationship with their narc parent by putting up stringent boundaries: only discussions about gardening, cooking, travel, etc and absolutely NO discussions about personal, financial, professional or health matters. Some narcissists are willing to accept the boundaries just to keep the child on a tentative string (just in case), but most are not.

Breaking the cycle of being in relationships with a series of abusers for a person who has learned to accept abuse via the scapegoat role from his family, means more grieving and severing relationships for a scapegoat. Many scapegoats who are in therapy are willing to go through painful breakups for the sake of a better life and the hope of a better future for their own children. It is like leaving an oppressive tyrannical country as a refugee and making a better life for yourself in a new democratic country. Sometimes you leave abusers with as little as a refugee too, with the clothes on your back.

Statistically, scapegoats endure more poverty than their peers, and certainly more than their other siblings, but they often end up as the most successful in their family of origin if their self esteem has not been totally shattered, because they were the least willing to become controlled and enslaved by a punishing parent. They had more strength to fight for themselves than their siblings did, and they find more strength to fight for a better life than their siblings too. Scapegoats often have no family support at all when they become adults.

The goldens have support, and often a lot of it, but are not so lucky in being the chosen one in other regards. They competed with their siblings to get to "the privileged spot", sometimes by bullying their siblings out of the way, not knowing that in order to be there they would have to please their parent at every turn and at every whim, no matter whether the expectations were reasonable or not. Many give up everything to be in that coveted spot, to take on anything, including the abuse of their parent, just to get something out of the parent, only to find they, too, are discarded along with the scapegoats. Alternatively, they sometimes sacrifice so much for the parent, they find that they are too heavily burdened by that parent, to the point where they cannot have a single autonomous thought or sustain themselves.

Scapegoats in therapy learn not to go along to get along with insults and verbal abuse by either extricating, putting up boundaries, or working with loved ones who are willing to change the dynamic. You can too.

3. "Don't treat me that way." What happens in this instance? You aren't putting up with being verbally abused and being criticized at every turn, and you aren't trying to fight fire with fire; you are letting a verbally abusive person know that you do not want to be treated badly and that they need to change their behavior.

This is fine if the abuser is willing to change their behavior, but be aware that many abusers are not willing to change. Why? Because most abusers have a personality disorder and many personality disorders are rigid and intransigent.

It is worth a try, and if they refuse to treat you better, you can always end the relationship.

"Don't treat me that way" is a much healthier way to react to verbal abuse, and it is the way most people react to abuse. Most people have been raised in loving homes and have been taught good boundaries by their parents. Most people do not put up with abuse.

One reason abused victims get PTSD and C-PTSD is because they are in situations of abuse they cannot effect. They are helpless to the onslaught of abuses and/or violence, so their brain tries to protect itself by reacting in a certain way.

When you say, "Don't treat me that way." "Don't talk to me that way." "You are not to insult me again." "What don't you understand when I say I will not engage with you on that level?" "You are not to go further with these threats and insults." -- it puts the control the abuser wants to take from you back into your hands.

The abuser has one choice: to treat you with respect, dignity, as a fellow human being, with care and concern, with politeness. If he isn't capable of that, then you can go to the next step (which is what healthy, non-co-dependent people usually do who have been brought up to make good boundaries): bailing out on relationships that are abusive.

4. Bailing on the relationship. If you are choosing this way of dealing with someone who is being verbally abusive, or criticizing you ad-nauseum (especially if they are using criticism to control and dominate you or ruin your reputation), make sure you will not feel guilty about it later. Make sure you mean to do it permanently. Do not give the silent treatment, hoping that they will come around as the silent treatment is a relationship-buster and you are just throwing another form of abuse back at them (the silent treatment is one of the worse forms of emotional abuse). Very few relationships survive the silent treatment. See my post about the silent treatment is abuse! for more information.

Remember: rejecting others is permanent. Even in the best case scenario, where the other person returns after therapy and a good attitude about treating you better (with respect), they will probably always carry some resentment and distrust when it comes to you.

Rejecting others because their behavior is so bad, so abusive, and so unchangeable is a good option though, and you should definitely be open to it.

But there are some other options you can try before you get to the point where you permanently get the verbal abuser out of your life.

Ultimatums about behavior can sometimes work such as:
"I suspect your verbal abuse is coming out of your alcohol addiction. When you are completely dry and have been in treatment, give me a call, and perhaps we can pick up then."
"I will not be verbally abused any longer. If you go to therapy and go to some anger management classes, perhaps we can pick up the relationship at that point."
"I cannot be in a verbally abusive relationship. If you would like to change your behavior, give me a call then."
"I would like to work with you, but I feel you are criticizing me over too many things. I can only respond to one request at a time (and I hope these are requests, not demands, not a permanent state of being criticized continually). If you are willing to work with me on a solution that will be beneficial for both of us, give me a call at that time."
"I suspect your verbal abuse is learned behavior. If you have any desire to change this behavior, give me a call and we'll both try to hammer out a solution."

There is also going "low contact" (LC): seeing each other a couple of times a year, not getting into heavy subjects, just giving one sentence answers when they ask how you are doing, keeping to uncontroversial subjects.

If that fails, there is "very low contact" (VLC): not seeing them unless it is absolutely necessary, keeping phone calls short, maybe a card or two once or twice a year, refusing to discuss any personal subjects.

LC and VLC are often used by many survivors of narcissistic parents. You may have to be in situations where you have contact with them, even if you don't want to see them. You also realize they cannot change. "Low contact" is a way to avoid them mostly, and ensures that subjects where they can construe or misconstrue criticism out of what you are saying cannot easily happen. You just keep to conversations to subjects like nature, cooking, decorating and travel. Many therapists recommend to patients of narcissistic abuse that they adopt VLC or LC. This makes family get-togethers possible, and where they are not so likely to attack you because the subjects are so banal and uninteresting (gray rock discussions). Narcissists like to be praised, so you can always tell them how nice they look and they might feel satisfied with that enough to leave you alone. Remember to ask those family members you are close to not to transfer information to the narcissists who have hurt you in the past, as many narcissists like to use information for nefarious purposes.

Other phrases that are either verbally abusive or that border on verbal abuse:
"You make my skin crawl."
"You drive me crazy."
"Your cooking sucks."
"I'm not in the mood to take shit from you."
"I really don't care what you think."
"I can't stand you right now."
"All I need is some peace from you."
"I hate you when you wear that dress."
"You drive me crazy with that music! Can't you play anything right?"
"I hate you when you do that! You are sooooo irritating!"
"I'm not in the mood for you. Leave me the fuck alone!"
"I don't want to discuss this!" on a consistent basis, especially if there is no history of abuse in the relationship.
"I don't have time for this! I need this done! Now! I can't deal with your problems! Figure out how to deal with your own problems! I have enough of my own!"
Always and never statements on a consistent basis:
"You are always late no matter what. Can't you get your shit together?"
"You never can function. You're always sick. I get sick and tired of this."
"You always start arguments after sex. Can't you ever just cuddle afterwards like normal married couples do?"
"You always forget!"
"Why can you never do things right?"
"It looks like I'll always have to live with you doing this" or "like this."
"It looks like you'll never change your habits."
"You always make a big deal out of nothing."
"You never want to please me; all you care about is yourself."
"You always were bad; now you've proven it for good."
"You can never do anything I ask you to do."
"I'm tired of you always thinking about that!"
"You'll never amount to anything; you have always been a failure." (destructive, abusive)
"Are you ever going to snap out of this? I'm tired of you always being out of it."
"I always take care of you! You have no right to complain!"
"You always put others before me! What about me?"
"You'll never fix that wall! I guess I'll have to do it! Thanks!"
"Why do you always put the heat up when I want it down? Don't you know you are ruining the environment with this energy consumption? Get with the program! I've said this a million times!"

Any combination of these on a regular, constant basis (every day or every other day) can anesthetize your partner against your perspectives and concerns because they are an onslaught of insensitivity: either outright mean or border-line mean.

Always and never statements on a constant basis are what many personality disordered people use as they are typically black and white thinkers. They don't weigh things. They don't investigate thoroughly. They tend to go with how they feel when they judge situations or people rather than by facts and research. They think something or someone is all good or all bad, all or nothing, all your fault and not my fault at all, all your doing and I didn't contribute to it at all, it's got to be all my agenda and not your agenda at all, my perspectives are all important and yours aren't at all.  Some of us may have learned to use always-never phrases by growing up with a parent who used them. If we are willing to self reflect and see how and why we use these phrases, and make steps to remove them from our present dialogue, then we can make our relationships better too.

As for complaining, why is constant complaining detrimental to our relationships? Because most people can only deal with one complaint at a time, or a week. They have to spend time processing the complaint and think about how they are going to address it (which means either fixing it, ignoring it, putting it aside to take care of bigger problems, or deciding it is not worth fixing at all).

For instance, if everything in a vehicle needs fixing, the vehicle is flawed; it is hardly worth the time and energy to fix it. If you are rattling off a hundred complaints, and you are not giving your mechanic time to write it all down, he will think of you as someone who likes to complain, rather than as a someone who has legitimate issues that need addressing.

Too much complaining about hundreds of issues, especially if the complaints are directed personally towards a partner you live with can make your partner shut down. It can also effect the self esteem of your partner. Lack of self esteem does not produce a can-do attitude in them. This is true especially if the complaining is severe, and much more prevalent than the praising. Alternatively, sometimes partners of complainers keep their self esteem intact by taking their partner's constant complaining with a grain of salt, through avoidance. They half-hear their partner rattling off the complaint-of-the-day, for instance. In that case they might feel that the constant complaining is an irritant they feel they need to put up with, but which they don't feel is in dire need of addressing. The lesson? Use complaints wisely, without overwhelming your partner.

Complaining, being mean, using too many always and never phrases can kill the intimacy, and may even kill the relationship. Even if you are in a committed relationship, it can make your relationship seem like you are roommates rather than two people who love each other and enjoy being around each another.

Research and links:

Patricia Evans has written extensively on verbal abuse. Her books on verbal abuse and controlling relationships on Amazon are HERE. She also has videos on You Tube HERE.

If You’re Saying These 5 Things, You’re Hurting Your Kid  -- Psych Central article by Peg Streep

What are signs that the verbal abuse is escalating to physical abuse -- Help Guide

What are signs that the verbal abuse is escalating to physical abuse? -- Yahoo answers

Signs you are verbally abused: part one
Signs you are verbally abused: part two

Some ideas on how to shush a constant fault-finder

Dr. Phil: are you a fault-finder? -- he also discusses "always and never" phrases

Oprah Winfrey: Verbal Abuse: How to Save Yourself

Ways to handle criticism

Why are People Mean? -- Psychology Today article

Always and Never Phrasing -- from Out of the Fog Website

The Cumulative Effect of Narcissistic Abuse -- by Lenora Thompson (talks about the cumulative effect of digs, insults, shaming on children of abusive narcissistic parents)
Why Narcissists Need You to Feel Bad About Yourself -- a study reveals that people with high self esteem usually perceive others favorably, but those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder compare others negatively to themselves, often using insults and focusing on flaws.

I found this on facebook and thought it was powerful. It is a drawing by Jenna Simon.

  "They're Just Words", © artwork by Jenna Simon, 2015

from healthyplace:

Here is a video I found on verbal abuse with a song called "Mad World" by Donnie Darko. The video is by ParodyWisp (screen name):

Remember children: