"You brought this upon yourself!", why abusers use this phrase

name of illustration: "You Did Not Bring Abuse Upon Yourself"
image is © Lise Winne

Alternative phrases:
You had it coming.
You brought this on yourself.
You are responsible for this.
You deserved to be hit, bruised, insulted, raped, vilified, ostracized, etc.

According to Daryl Campbell the basic premise is this:

The abuser does wrong and expertly lays one hundred percent of the blame and responsibility for their actions on your shoulders ... Unfortunately many victims fall for it.

But assuming that some of us don't fall for it, why do abusers still keep trying to use it on us? When we still don't buy it, why do they try to get their flying monkey people to convince us?
And then when we still don't fall for the flying monkeys' pressures, guilt trips and insults, why do they still attempt to keep using it to "play the victim" and slandering us? Why won't they just give up on this crazy-making?

The reason why is because this phrase and the "You're ungrateful" phrase are some of the most used phrases by abusers (often referred to as blame-shifting). Most abusers have personality disorders (either Borderline, Narcissism, or Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and they are acting the script of their disorder -- see my post about what abuse is and who it is perpetrated by). 

At the heart of the "You brought this upon yourself" phrasing is that the abuser thinks you deserve to be hurt by them and/or rejected by them. It is a sign that the abuser does not want to care about you, your feelings, how he impacts you, what he does to your self esteem, or what he does to your life. Justice means nothing to him.

What I mean by "the discard phase" is that it is one of three steps that abusers typically use on their victims: idealize, devalue, discard (in that order). The devaluation phase comes when the victim of abuse is no longer giving the borderline, narcissist or sociopath the narcissistic supply they so desperately crave. Once the target shows that he will not stroke the ego of the abuser, the abuser will lash out (and usually abuse) his target. Then the "discard phase" usually follows (i.e. that you, and your issues, feelings and concerns no longer matter to him).

After these three steps is when you will hear the "You brought this upon yourself" phrase.

This wording particularly comes out when you are not stroking his ego, when you have found out that he is lying, stealing or cheating (or some other nefarious activity), when you show that you refuse to be his marionette, when you think of him as "less than perfect", when you show you want to do something for yourself for a change rather than what the abuser wants from you, for not sacrificing yourself for him. Sometimes it is simply because he is sick of you (personality disordered abusers do get tired of their relationships; indeed they get rid of important people in their lives, and sometimes even love to watch the destruction). They get rid of people primarily through a discard (silent treatment), usually accompanied by an uncaring attitude, but they can also be dangerous too. Expect them to talk in a haughty manner while twisting the truth about how they got rid of you when they attempt to retell what happened with others. During their discard, they are known for saying that they love someone else more who they feel will fulfill more of their needs. The discard could be over anything, but it is usually over one of these things, or something equally as unreasonable or petty.

Using "You brought this upon yourself" phrase achieves several things for them. They use it to excuse abuse as though the target "provoked them" to abuse. They use it to try to get control of their victims, as they count on their victims "kissing their ring" despite the abuse. They use it to acquire an uncaring attitude (if they can adopt an unsympathetic point of view, then they won't feel anything about what they have done, and can thereby justify it). They use it to shift the blame from themselves to someone else (blame-shifting is a tell-tale sign of a personality disordered abuser). They use it in hopes that they can use their target for continual blame (especially if it never gets challenged). They use it as an attempt to lower or change the target's self esteem, hoping the target will feel that he deserves abuse. They use it in hopes that the target will self reflect: "Did I, in any way, cause this to happen?"

In the end, "You brought this upon yourself" is a shocking, blame-shifting, brainwashing, horrendous, potent phrase. It is transformed to "He made me do it" or "She made me do it" when they explain away their abuse to authorities or pretend to be a victim (it is often the number one phrase that domestic violence counselors hear from batterers and abusers).

The point of this post is to:
1. make you realize that this is a typical phrase used by all abusers
2. make you realize that you did not bring abuse upon yourself (abuse is an aberrant, unjustified reaction to an interpersonal problem)

In another post I'll cover empaths and why so many of them believe in karma. The short of it is that empaths sometimes "worry" that they are as bad as abusers when they say "Karma will get them" (i.e. get my abuser).

But be assured that this is not the same kind of phrasing or the same kind of meaning as when abusers say "You brought this upon yourself." For one, if you are an empath, you did not abuse anyone. And if you did abuse someone without meaning to, you would apologize right away. You would be concerned about them and the relationship between you. This is in stark contrast to abusers who try to convince you that you are somehow bad, and deserve to be hurt by them, destroyed by them, lied about by them. Saying that "Karma will get them" is in response to their being abusive.

"You brought this upon yourself" is usually in response to their having "narcissistic injury", which they believe is your fault (i.e. them sensing you are finding fault with them about something, them not feeling admired or praised enough, you not kissing their ring, you not doing what you are told to do by them, you refusing to let them control you, you having an autonomous thought or action which is self-driven rather than looking for their approval).

There is a huge difference between the two. And yes, karma does "get" most abusers. I will also talk about that in another post.

If it is your parent who is abusive and rejecting, remember this. Even though you may have been told that you deserved abuse or rejection because you acted unloving towards them, or ungrateful towards them, or weren't trusting towards them, these phrases are most likely projection and they are all signs of a narcissistic disordered parent. Most reputable therapists and psychologists tell parents that their job is to love their children, period, and when they love and validate their children, their children will almost always love them back, and validate them as good parents. When parents are cruel, slandering, rejecting and punishing, children will not love them back, or think of them as good parents, plain and simple.

Also, children will not come out of the womb admiring and loving the parent. That is not their job even though a narcissist will insist that it is. The parent's job is to love the child, not the other way around. It is up to parents to teach their child what love and acceptance feels like by loving and accepting the child. When the child feels loved and accepted, the reciprocity of those feelings will come out as the child matures.

Edit on March 1, 2017: the above 2 paragraphs have to do with "abusive parents", not kind parents who live a life of integrity. I thought this edit was necessary to explain because of the comments I received on this post. -- thanks! Read How to Tell if You Have Abusive Parents if in doubt.

further reading:

definition -- from Free Dictionary

In an Abusive Relationship? Help Yourself Today -- from the Uncommon Help website

Characteristics of Abusers

Avoiding Victim Blaming -- from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness

Am I Bad? Recovering from Abuse (New Horizons in Therapy) -- by  Heyward Bruce Ewart III

“Is this abuse?”: A Guide For Aces -- from The Ace Theist blog

competition baiting with abusive co-workers or siblings

name of art: "Stop Workplace Bullying"

image is © 2016 by Lise Winne

watercolor and graphics

(for questions regarding use of images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)
poster dedicated to Joyce Decker

Please note: bullying is not a "relationship issue" or "relationship problem". It is an aggressive campaign against another person to disable them or destroy them. Disabling can mean disabling their self esteem, socially through bigotry or ostracism, emotionally by making them feel sad and isolated, and so much more. Please refer to this blog post to learn more.

Competition baiting" is one person (usually a bully) baiting someone else (usually a target/victim) to compete with him. Instances of competition baiting include:
* "I always do more than you; you hardly do anything."
* "They like me better than they like you"
* "They agree with me more than they agree with you"
* "They think I work harder than you work"
* "I have sweated on this project while you have done nothing, nothing at all, to make this a better project"
* taking your "project" or "assignment" over as a way to compete with you
* "I'd like you to write down all you have done, and I'll do the same and we'll see who has done more!"
* attempting to take control of a project so that you won't
* attempting to look superior to others by aggrandizing what they do and discounting what their target does
* pointing a finger at the "competition" in order to make the target "seem at fault"
* always lowering their prices compared to their target's prices to get an economic advantage over their targets
* making or selling the same products without creative input to differentiate
* taking ideas and claiming them as their own

Competition baiting is often bullying and abuse when it happens between siblings or between co-workers, particularly if there is verbal abuse and berating going on in tandem with it. See my post on verbal abuse to get a better understanding or check the links at the end of this post to get a better understanding of what verbal abuse is in a workplace setting (basically anything that is raging and berating).

Most competition baiting is also full of erroneous blaming where discounting or devaluing a target's contributions come from made up allegations, sometimes with a tiny bit of truth to them.

People who abuse and bully usually have personality disorders. Most abuse and bullying is perpetrated by people with cluster B personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. Sometimes active alcoholics have traits like people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I discuss in this post who are the typical perpetrators of abuse and how they act, and who victims tend to be and how they act.

Do not buy into the "You brought this upon yourself" phrasing that bullies are notorious for. You did not "provoke" their rage.

If you have interpersonal issues with a co-worker, please understand that it is not normal for that co-worker to rage at you, swear, insult, devalue you, humiliate you, treat you like a child, or tell you what to do. If they insist on keeping a matter private between you and they have proven that they are rage-a-holics, do not keep it private unless you feel you are in imminent danger (my advice ... if you are in imminent danger call the police). They want you to keep everything between you private because raging is so much easier for them when they can do it in secrecy, with no one watching, without it effecting their reputation. They do NOT respect the sanctity of privacy (bullies will slander you behind your back).

Victims of workplace bullying and sibling abuse tend to have the following characteristics:
* They are more empathetic than the average person (they overwhelmingly are in the "helping professions": nurses, school teachers, yoga instructors, therapists)
* They tend to be whistle blowers and many are involved in causes (civil rights, women's rights, victims of domestic violence rights, getting bullying laws changed, safety issues in the workplace, trying to get workplace laws changed, they tend to be into equality and democracy, they tend to be into calling out inequities in the workplace, and so on)
* Very loyal to their friends; going to bat for them in unjust situations
* They tend to be highly creative individuals with big ideas (many victims have careers in the arts)
* They tend to be polite
* They tend to be highly intelligent
* They tend to be high achievers, many of them out-doing their peers in a work environment in terms of projects, creative ideas and work ethic
* Sometimes scapegoated by other workers, or scapegoated within a family
* Most survivors have a combination of all of these traits

My own personal note here about victims:
I have been a part of survivor groups for years. I have noticed a trend. The women tend to be exceptionally beautiful (probably rated much higher in the "standard" beauty department). They also tend have an innocence about them in their appearance. They tend to look much younger than their years. They tend to be more creative than most people in the way of clothing.

Of course, being beautiful infuriates workplace bullies who tend to be incredibly jealous people, on top of being manipulative.

In fact, all of these qualities of survivors tend to enrage bullies, and they also see survivors as easy marks for bullying (because survivors tend to act polite, with an etiquette of integrity). The reason why bullies are enraged about these qualities is because most bullies are overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and envy. Borderlines experience jealousy intensely, and express it as outward rage, verbally tearing down their co-worker to anyone who will listen, and going into "berating rages" with people they are "competing against." They often practice slander too, but are not as careful about hiding their tracks as narcissists and the Antisocial Personality Disordered (sociopaths).

Narcissists and sociopaths usually experience jealousy as a simmering unbearable feeling bubbling in their systems, and they feel it almost all of the time. Narcissists are loyalty freaks, and will terrorize anyone who tries to mess with their self image as ideal: perfection personified. The jealousy they feel is so intense that they often make attempts to relieve it through gaslighting and subterfuge. Sociopaths will go the extra mile and steal. They want so badly what their targets have, that they feel entitled to take from them. They then slander their victims to the co-workers around them. The point of their assault is to toy with their victims' reputation in ever more ways, seeing what works and doesn't work, keeping up a campaign of making their victims lives miserable with "secret" reprimanding sessions, competition baiting, gaslighting, slander, insults, swearing and intimidation. The point of the bullies' intentions is to instill doubt in their peers about the target. They work on eroding the integrity, work ethic, sanity and abilities of their victims.

Bullies tend to feel very relieved when they verbally or emotionally attack and eviscerate their targets. You will notice that they look happy, confident, energized and gleeful after they attack their victims. They have a bounce in their step, and they become even more of a social butterfly than they were before, trying to get all eyes on them, and their achievements. Again, this is not normal behavior and points to a Cluster B personality disorder.

All workplace bullies and sibling bullies try to take credit away from their targets and make it seem that they "did everything" while their targets "did nothing". In fact the "I did everything and you did nothing" is very, very typical of workplace bullies and sibling bullies, because these personality disorders are known to possess black and white thinking.

They hope that "negative perceptions" of their victims will allow them to climb the social ladder, or be the family favorite, leaving the victims of their bullying in the dust, isolated, alone and without social support. Their whole work ethic in both the home (sibling abuse), and in the work place (workplace bullying) is to gain the favor of others, particularly authorities, and to isolate their victims, so that their victims (and competition) will be pushed out into the cold and regarded as trouble makers.

The most clever bullies can, and do, manage to isolate their targets pretty well. I will discuss strategies for disabling the isolation tactic from bullies in another post, but primarily it has to do with "exposure" of the bullying (and I don't mean just complaining to authorities). Bullies try to get away with lying, gaslighting and divide and conquer strategies (i.e. through triangulation) and acting commiserating with others, and setting up a kind of confidante rapport where they whisper about their competition (target of bullying) in disparaging ways, and they do it more frequently and with more intensity unless they are stopped in their tracks.

All of this can be disabled. If you can get toxic people out of your life, that is by far the best strategy. Even if you have crippled their ability to bully, they can still make you feel tense and sick.

Bullies want what their targets have. If their target has a certain job, privilege or skill, they want it too, and will try to jockey in position to get it. If their targets have more success, they don't try to get the same success through honest means; they try to do it through sly means and people maneuvering.

They work on other peoples' perceptions continually through ever more slander and ever more rumors and lies. Meanwhile, they are "super sticky sweet" to their other peers, often doing favors for them, trying to impress, and painting themselves as victims. In fact, they tell others that they are victims of their targets. It can be an insidious process (and cause PTSD in their victims) and they even succeed at sabotaging their targets if their targets don't take precautions, counter-manipulate and expose (counter-manipulation does have its drawbacks, though, because you are acting the way they act -- but sometimes it is necessary to get them to back off, of looking at you as easy prey that will serve as a dump-site for their rage).

I have talked about the ways sibling bullies try to compete with their siblings to get an upper advantage in terms of rewards and favoritism from their parents and other family authorities in other posts here and here and here.

One of the ways they do this (which contributes to them ending up with a Cluster B personality disorder) is to:
* try to get their siblings in trouble, to paint their sibling as the aggressor (when they are the aggressor)
* they may kick their sibling and then tell Mom or Dad that they were kicked and watch with glee as their sibling gets punished
* they may compete on chores and tell Mom or Dad that they did all of the chores while their sibling did none of the chores
* they may threaten and terrorize their sibling, but smile like an angel while around Mom or Dad.
* they may say subtle disparaging things about their sibling: "You know how my sister is" (with rolling eyes
* when they want to get their sibling in trouble they may carve their sibling's name in a piece of furniture and say "Why would I ever write her name in the furniture? If I was to do that, I'd write my own name, wouldn't I?"

Without putting a stop to sibling bullying and sibling competition, these "knife in the back" children will continue to bully as adults and end up like the nightmare co-workers I will talk about next.

Nightmare bullies exist in the workplace and do the same kinds of nasty maneuvers that a sibling bully child will do to another sibling. In their minds, they must have the upper hand, they must have control of the perceptions of others in the workplace, they must have what their competition has, and they must compete, even if they feel they have to do it through unfair unethical means.

When it comes to bullies in the work place, always remember the great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."

Bullies in the work place tend to feel inadequate. So they think that in order to relieve that feeling, they must compete with and attack their competition. Their focus is on manipulating people rather than on making a great contribution in their field of expertise.

I have talked about how narcissists do not care about what their targets feel, think or about their perspectives. Borderlines are much the same way, particularly when their agenda is to compete.

Borderlines rage by shouting, swearing and trying to intimidate. They are known for their volume. They maneuver to put you on the defensive, explaining yourself and defending yourself and trying to calm them down and appease them. They count on it. They feel acknowledged, and even loved, by people trying to please them so that they don't go off their rocker again.

It is very much like trying to calm down an unruly child. However, this also has the effect of condoning their behavior. They do not get better, and often get worse. Sometimes they become extremely narcissistic where they expect everyone in their lives to give in to what they want just to keep them from raging.

The difference between narcissistic rage and borderline rage is that narcissistic rage is often schemed and quiet and designed to make the most devastating impact, whereas borderlines "let it all out", with a lot of volume, without a thought as to what they are doing, how it effects others, how it effects their reputations or what the long term consequences are. They are so unconcerned about their reputations when they are in a rage, that they spend days and sometimes weeks afterwards with regrets, feeling paranoid, alone and abandoned. They are very impulsive, and if their bullying gets exposed, they are known to make drastic changes to their lives to avoid accountability.

Narcissists, on the other hand, are as careful about their reputations as they can be, but they rarely have regrets, and they avoid accountability by dodging, diverting, excusing, lying, covering up and playing the victim (narcissists really believe that their targets deserve abuse ... their common phrase is "You bought this upon yourself", whereas borderlines know they have messed up and can feel shame and guilt). 

Narcissists and borderlines feel paranoia pretty intensely, and both try as hard as they can to do damage control after their abuses have been exposed. They both try to act overly sweet to others so that they can appeal to as many people as possible, so that those people will doubt their targets.

One reason why narcissists most often use the silent treatment in place of shouting, swearing, and openly challenging their targets, is for the sake of reputation (make no mistake about it, though, the silent treatment is still a nasty form of abuse: see my post on the silent treatment). They can write off their silent treatment to their audience as: "We just don't get along", "We just don't see eye to eye", "We're in two different worlds", "We've never gotten along all that well", "She has her life and I have my life and if we see each other, great, and if we don't see each other, we have our own interests and our own lives". In other words,  they hide their passive aggressive abuses under the guise of "we're just having a normal time apart" -- a hoax.

The point I am trying to make is that both borderlines and narcissists often use rage and personal attacks to solve interpersonal conflicts, problems and issues. It is just that the manner of their attacks are different.

Borderlines see things in black and white terms. They are noted for more black and white thinking than even the most disordered narcissists and sociopaths. They also use always and never phrasing much more too (see my post on always and never phrasing in the verbal abuse post).

My personal experiences:

I have two to talk about.

They both took place in a co-operative gallery. The identities have been changed to protect the guilty largely because I don't want to damage the reputation of the gallery and its other artists.

The first is about two old lady artists and my relationship to them.

The second concerns an artist I recorded in the middle of a bullying session. I am sharing the transcript of that recording for my readers so that they see what it sounds like and how bullies maneuver to take hits on your self esteem.

This first one I will tell briefly. It is a very long story over a twenty year period, and I think that it deserves its own post (which I am working on). It is this story, and a few others, that made me want to research bullying and abuse.

The Gertrude and Janice story:

This story concerns two old ladies who I will refer to as Gertrude and Janice. Both were potters. I was also a potter in those days. The relationship was complicated in that it included working in a co-operative studio environment every day as well as in a co-operative gallery. in other words, we probably saw each other too much.

Gertrude was the bully, and the uninspired one, and often copied Janice's style and types of glazes. She also tried to undercut Janice in price for a comparable piece of pottery, and take the best display spaces for herself while moving Janice's pieces around to lesser locations that would not be so easily seen by customers. Janice would sometimes correct Gertrude's nasty display changes, but because Janice did it out in the open (as compared with Gertrude's doing it covertly), Janice was often blamed and seen as the aggressor. Eventually she was severely scapegoated by most of the membership. As in alcoholic families and families headed by a narcissist, the victim of abuse in a workplace can also be blamed and scapegoated and seen as the villain because no one takes the time to research what is really going on.

This is what happened to Janice and it is a heartbreaking story that took place over two decades. I am still trying to find justice to this story. I think the best way to get it, is to write about it so that it cannot happen to someone else so easily.

Like many survivors, Janice was outspoken. So Janice was often blamed for things just because she was outspoken about being treated so badly.

Gertrude spent an inordinate amount of time pointing the finger at Janice: "Look how hysterical she is! She is always putting me down! Real victims aren't so angry as Janice is!" She was one of the most sly sadistic underhanded bullies I have ever met, and she made every effort to ruin Janice's reputation and career, and to a slightly lesser extent, my career and reputation too. Gertrude was a master at acting, manipulation and "competition baiting", probably the most masterful I have seen. She would perpetrate ACT B, for instance, and then tell the social circle of the membership that Janice perpetrated ACT B instead. Janice was always, always on the defensive, while Gertrude would play this sticky sweet little grandmother role, acting nauseatingly unassuming, doing favors for others just to win their vote of confidence in her "war" against Janice, and coo-ing over members' "life issues". She was constantly maneuvering, using subterfuge, "isolation tactics", sabotage, stealing (which is against the law, but she was ballsy enough to do it, especially to Janice), making both of us "appear crazy" to the membership, playing the innocent and constant victim by calling up the display committee chair saying we were "bullying" her, giving her targets "the silent treatment on steroids", discounting our contributions, taking credit for our work and contributions, making herself appear to have a brilliant college education and to be a reputable teacher (when Janice and I actually had the degrees, and the real teaching experience), feigning concern over display of other members' works, disparaging Janice and me in a very quiet whispering victim voice, constantly lying, constantly acting, constantly stabbing us in the back, constant devaluing us at every turn.

In the studio the situation got so bad that Janice left and set up a studio in her house, and used a kiln in her backyard, while I worked around the ever-unpleasant Gertrude by wearing ear pods and a cassette recorder all day. When she'd give me her evil gloating smile, I tried a lot of creative ways of responding to it, including not responding, until I came upon something that stopped it once and for all.

It was dizzying how well she did her bullying. Janice and I wondered how Gertrude could get away with making us look so bad. I remember many times standing outside the gallery with Janice shaking our heads in dismay and being so utterly amazed at how convincing Gertrude could be. Her lies slid into other people's ears like candy. It seemed to us that everyone should be able to see the sabotage just because of how the gallery looked and was displayed most of the time. Most of the membership, in fact, called it the "pottery wars" because they found it so inconveniently uncomfortable to be reminded that we were unhappy -- even if for a good reason. It showed the two of us how little people care, and how little people research to find the real truth, and how little they are invested in justice and truth. Instead, they wanted to believe in some rhetoric.

We reasoned that it was like how religious cult leaders can persuade. In the Hale Bopp Comet cult, called Heaven's Gate, members were told that if they poisoned themselves, they would be able to take a ride on the comet. Janice and I thought that maybe it was a little like that, where the membership fell in love with words, a perspective and a person, refusing to see what was in plain sight, in front of their noses. They were enjoying the sweet-little-cooing-grandma-from-Hell giving them ego strokes instead.

Gertrude's bullying campaign was so relentless that she took her slandering outside the co-op studio and co-op gallery too. Gertrude took it into every aspect of our local artistic life: into submissions, group shows, openings, parties of invited artists, indeed everywhere in the local art scene. This should never happen, ever, so ever since, I have been active in the cause of stopping workplace bullying through laws and survivor training.

Unfortunately, Janice and I did not have the training then, and complaining made everything worse, though I will tell in the future post why I eventually started speaking up. Seeing so much injustice, group slander and group scapegoating at an early age (I was my twenties when it started), was difficult to witness, and I don't think the human psyche is meant to take relentless injustice anyway; I think our systems won't allow it, even if it takes a long time to make the situation "right" in some way. Since I grew up in a family with members who were invested in "just causes" like the civil rights movement, women's liberation, politics, and education, and assumed that "good people" were also invested in those things, I was ill prepared to know what to do for a long time.

Make no mistake, these people were "good people", but they were the kind of people who "don't want to get involved", who fancy themselves as Switzerland, the kind of people Martin Luther King talked about. His words:

We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. -- Martin Luther King

In bullying situations, neutrality and turning away actually escalates bullying. It does not rectify it.

Both Janice and I felt really, really alone in our struggle, even though we had each other.

I want to make one point however, before I go on to the next story. Many years ago, I tried being nice and bending over backwards for Gertrude. I agreed to fire all of Gertrude's pottery, both bisque firings and glaze firings because she feigned helplessness in that department. I wanted to see if she would let up on her bullying. No, she got so much worse. I tell why bullies do not get better, and why they actually escalate bullying, when you do them favors in the If you are good and show altruism and magnanimity, will that keep you from being abused? post.

I will tell how I finally overcame the bullying, and believe me, after twenty years of being on the losing end, I used a stealthy arsenal of unpredictable "surprises" to disable Gertrude's bullying and sabotaging activities for the remaining five years that she was in my life. As I said, I will share what those were at another time because it was a long process of trial and error, and I want to focus on the taped conversation with another bully from the same gallery instead to show what it actually looks like.

The next story is about a lesser bully than Gertrude, but still a bully none the less.

The Morgan and Lise story:

For this next segment, I wanted to show what "competition baiting" actually sounds like. It is a taped conversation of someone who became verbally abusive during a phone call: insults, baiting, swearing, slander, interrupting, reprimanding, devaluing, raging, attempts to isolate, gaslighting, character assassination, trying to control the conversation, and other kinds of inappropriate bullying in a business context.

I call this next bully Morgan (not her real name).

I suspect that Morgan has Borderline Personality Disorder, whereas Gertrude probably had Malignant Narcissism (Malignant Narcissism is considerably more evil, but also a good deal more "charming").

Morgan and I are the only card designers in the gallery. We have, roughly, the same amount of space, the same amount of inventory and we probably have similar sales (she sells more in the Spring, and I sell more during the fall and holidays).

Some differences between us include (and probably have something to do with the conflicts between us, and her competition with me, which I will explain later):
* I am educated in art; she is not
* I am more fine art oriented; she is more crafts oriented
* her art rarely evolves, mine evolves constantly -- probably too much so

I didn't know she had a penchant for bullying until very recently. We had an altercation many years ago when Gertrude was still part of the gallery, where she verbally attacked me, but as the years went by, the relationship between us was uneventful. I thought we were on good terms, and I didn't know that she was jealous of me (which probably has more to do with the differences I stated above than our similarities). I have noticed over the years that she is also insecure about labeling herself as an artist, and that may have something to do with her "competition" with me. Perhaps she doesn't feel on par with me in some way.

Anyway, I considered her to be in the "friendly camp." I don't do things for bullies any more, so seeing as how I hadn't been bullied until this recent incident, I did what friendly co-workers and co-artists do: I did favors for her, filled in work days for her when she had surgery, I made sure she had adequate display space in the center of the gallery (she is a high volume seller compared to many of the artists there), and I came up with ideas of trying to make both of our businesses grow.

Three weeks before this bullying incident, I had recently driven a piece of hers to a gallery show (which I helped to set up, making sure her piece was displayed properly: in the center).

I admit that the relationship I had with her was hard to figure out. It was distant and rather uneventful. She could be friendly, but she could also appear cold and uncaring. We did not talk about personal subjects. She also did not reciprocate with days I needed filled, or anything else other than ringing up sales of my work (I also rang up sales of her work -- it is part of being in a co-operative gallery).

She ran a social media site for our gallery, and she became involved with our brand new website.

Some background:

I had suggested to the gallery last January that we have a website. We had a mail-chimp account, a twitter account and a facebook account. I had discussions with a committee from our gallery about how it should be set up, what it should contain, and I made some mock-ups for the website design. My interest was primarily in promoting its artists, and trying to drum up more traffic. As time went on, Morgan seemed to want to take over the site and I noticed I was being excluded more and more from it. I did not know why, but I also had no particular desire to control the outcome and would just tell others who were working on the site: "Do what is best for the site. I'm just here to help if you need it." I wanted to be part of the blogging for the site, and setting up new member pages and bios.

Morgan told me a month ago that the website had too many differing opinions on its design from 3 members, and did not want my help on it any more because it would just be one more opinion to deal with. So, I backed off and made some birthday card designs instead.

I rewrote my bio for the website at her suggestion and she wrote back a curt, rather cold reply:

May 28:
Morgan: Hi Lise. I got the bio but Molly said you have not paid yet. Only members who have paid will be included.

May 28:
Lise: So I assume it is too late now? Okay. Unfortunately I was too busy with (an art show at the gallery), and forgot, and thought it was under discussion anyway because we had so much money in the account ...

May 28:
Morgan: If you get the money in then you will be included but just hurry. We are probably going live this week ... I am working very hard also and have pur (sic) in long hours on this web site and I don't want to take the time to take members off and then put them back in later when they pay. Just pay now or have Molly deduct it from your next check. Let me know what you are doing so I adjust the bios accordingly. Morgan

May 28.
Lise: Okay, I just e-mailed Molly about taking the fee out of the May sales. You can include me now.

May 28:
Lise: Let me know if you've received my e-mail about Molly deducting it from the paycheck.
Lise

(note: sometimes I am unsure if an e-mail gets through because of the type of e-mail account I have, which is why I sometimes send more than one e-mail)

May 29:
Lise: I told Molly to take it out of May sales. I am out of town until Wed. and a check would take until Fri or Sat. Let me know. I'd like feel I didn't go through all this writing (of the bio) for naught on a rare vacation. Lise

Tuesday May 31:
Lise: Molly, you told me to rush, and I did, and have not heard back from you. What are your plans when it comes to my inclusion on the website? Lise

June 1:
Morgan: If you get the money in then you will be included.

This is the e-mail that let me know that Morgan was most likely playing a game of "arbitrary answers". I felt that she was baiting me, expecting me to get "pissed off" and to approach her about it. In other words I felt that she was trying to bait a negative response from me, so that she could jump all over me (which she did as I will show).

One reason I suspected I was being "baited" is because I know enough about the subject of abuse to know that her response was not a normal response to someone who wants a "clear definitive answer" to the issue and is feeling worried about e-mails getting through (bullies, the Cluster Bs, show lack of empathy for how people feel).

My hunch that she was toying with me made me prepare a counter-offensive, which was recording her response without her knowledge.

Before I took Morgan's "bait" however, I decided to write the entire membership by sharing these same e-mails to see if anyone else was going through what I was going through at not getting answers.

If Morgan had written anyone else during that same 4 day time period, it might also show others that I was being "toyed with".     

Morgan responded back (respond-all, that is), asking me to call her. She also remarked that I was "distorting", even though I wrote the e-mails verbatim.

Following is the conversation I had with her (again, it is from actually taping her).

What may not be obvious, because there is no sound in type-written words, is that Morgan was shouting the whole time of our "conversation", almost always interrupting. Note, it is not normal to solve interpersonal or business issues and conflicts with ranting and attacks (that is definitely a sign of a bully). Most people will try to figure out what went wrong, to ask questions, and are interested in resolution.

My comments about the altercation is in pink type.

Lise: calmly So why didn't you get back to me? What's going on?

Morgan: Because I have a life! One thing I don't need is 50 friggin' e-mails sent over and over again! Note the exaggeration: borderlines typically exaggerate when in a rage. Like your little issue should be the most important thing in my life! It's always about you, isn't it!? I have a life, do you understand me!? Do you UN-DER-STAND!? Notice the repeat here: abusers often talk to targets as though they are small children who have a hearing problem and need to be reprimanded. Obviously you don't! You could have called me!

Lise: You know, we both have a life. I was up in Vermont, and I didn't have your num---

Morgan: mocking with disdain: Oh, you're in Vermont! Woohoo. Back to shouting: You know something!? This is a waste of MY time! You and your little concerns and your little world of crap! You're a WASTE OF MY TIME! Do you hear me!? I JUST DON'T FRIGGIN' CARE! Do you hear me? I DON'T FRIG-GIN' CARE ABOUT YOUR LIT-TLE WORLD!

Lise: facetiously: Nice. You know how to be polite. sighing with exasperation

Morgan: You don't friggin' do anything! You're too busy! with disgust and disdain: You're too this, you're too that! You make it sound like you're everywhere! goading, taunting, mocking: What IS IT that you DO all of the time anyway? Just who are you, exactly? What is so goddamn important in your life anyway! Huh? Answer me that!  competition baiting: You know I could outpace you at just about everything! I'd like you to write down everything you have done for the gallery and we'll compare notes one on one and just see who comes out ahead! I doubt you have done much of anything! In fact, you've done nothing!! It's about your self centered world, while I actually do things for the gallery! But I don't FRIGGIN' CARE because YOU are a waste of my time!? Do you hear me? I DON"T FRIGGIN' CARE!!!! Abuse has a way of sounding pretty trashy, not intelligent or inspiring, with many repeats. But I can tell she is feeling empowered by all of the shouting. Abusers also feel entitled to shout and berate you, because they feel it is all your fault that they are this way, and they feel they are more important and entitled to rage, so their rage takes precedence over just about every other kind of communication: like it must be listened to. 

Lise: That's interesting. So you don't care about other people's concerns. Okay, then.

Morgan: I care about other people's concerns! But you blow this way out of proportion! I'm certainly not going to take your concerns more seriously than anyone else's! Like your concerns should take precedence over other people's concerns! with disdain and taunting: Your little puny little life of LISE WINNE, the artist of all artists, is much more important than what others do! Or what I do! I worked hours and hours and hours on this website, asking the designers to move one period here and one colon there. And all you can think of is whether you are in it, or not, and all you can think to do (with disgust) is write about the members! Whoop-ee! Like that is all that you can come up with to contribute!

Lise: I can contribute more, but you seemed to want to take over the -----

Morgan: interrupting and sounding defensive: I put in over 20 hours of my time on it, and then when I need a break from it, I get 50,000 e-mails! I'm supposed to drop EVERYTHING for you! I had my (aunt) here! I have a life! Do you hear me!? I HAVE-A-LIFE!!

Lise: All I was asking for is just the word "confirmation" or something like that. You strung me out for 4 days! And then when you finally responded, you didn't acknowledge that I paid. It's not a good way to treat other p ----- .

Morgan: interrupting: When I send e-mails, they are PRIVATE e-mails! I don't want them shared all over the goddamn place! But, no, you can't respect that! You think this is SOOOOO important that it has to be shared with the world! Your little concern has to be broadcast all over the place!! That's what really got me! You have to share MY private e-mails with the entire membership! You are not to do that to me again! Do you hear me?! All of these people DO NOT have to get involved in your little --

Lise: interrupting: That's right. When I can't figure out why my e-mails aren't confirmed, I try to get to the bottom of it. The best way is through the membership, to see if they are going through the same issues that I am going through. And I also felt like I was being toyed with, so I go public when I'm being toyed with and treated like --- note: when I say I was being toyed with it refers to her competition baiting, the feeling that by keeping her responses arbitrary and as confusing as possible, she was hoping to have a chance at taking abusive pot-shots at me: in other words, I smelled a rat in her intentions towards me. My intuition was that she would provoke a response from me through the arbitrary response to make me nervous about being on the website, or taunting through keeping me off the website. If she got a response from me either way, it would be her chance to verbally undress me and abuse me, which is what most abusers salivate over. 

Morgan: interrupting: Why go public? What's the point?

Lise: This conversation and your rants are the reasons why. When things are hidden, and I'm sensing --

Morgan: interrupting: You know what this is? It's one BIG TEMPER TANTRUM! Yup, one big temper tantrum! Because you can't wait! Everything has to be done right now! Right away! Right this minute! You can't be satisfied with waiting, because that's how selfish, self centered people act! If you don't get your way, then you cry to the membership! Wah, wah!

Lise: It was four days. You started it with needing something from me, right away, demanding immediate action, which incidentally wasn't necessary after all, was it? But then when it comes to you, 4 days is right away --

Morgan: interrupts me on the words "right away" Note that interruptions happen because abusers are typically more focused on their next come-back, than their own contributions to what went wrong in the relationship, and their own hypocrisies. Abusers are typically NOT self-reflecting kinds of people and they are generally hypocrites in most of their accusations. They use rage to get what they want, and "I don't care" statements when they are caught at hypocrisies, as a way to divert, because it's the raging and denigrating that gives them that high they desire. For more on that see this post. It's like you haven't grown up! This is how little children act! They can't play nice when they don't get what they want right away! When they don't get what they want, then they go tell the authorities, they scream and cry until they get their needs met. If you don't fulfill a child's needs, they scream and cry more! This is what this is! I figured it out! Yup, it's one big childish temper tantrum! A three year old reaction to ---

Lise: interrupting: These are personal attacks and they are inappropriate to a business discussion. Stop with the personal attacks and get back to the real issues. The only reason I am still on the phone with you is that we have to work togeth --

Morgan: interrupting again: You know what your problem is? You don't see any other perspective than your own! One thing about abusers is that they use projection -- this abuser really did not know me beyond my art creations and a few superficial conversations, and so has no other choice than to project (it should be obvious that she does not listen: she uses an attack/defend strategy and is always thinking about her next attack when the other person is talking). She was also not interested in me beyond her own rants and competitive feelings about me. Most abusers in the workplace only think in terms of:  I'm in competition with her. She's too talented, I need to gain some leverage and superiority over her and the only way I know how to do that is to rip her character to shreds, rage at her, diminish her, take over her projects (website), and intimidate her. They compete in dirty ways, instead of inspirational ways. More calm, with a concerned tone: You should hear what people are saying about you! You're not going to believe it. Abusers often use slander, smear campaigns, and then they try to come back at the target with other people's opinions to try to rip apart their targets character some more and intimidate them further through isolating them via community opinion (which is another form of abuse, an emotional abuse). Usually verbal abuse escalates to emotional abuse, or it goes in tandem with emotional abuse.

Lise: I don't care. This has nothing to do with those other people and ---

Morgan: My point is that I wasn't getting the feeling that I did anything wrong! In fact, if anything, they gave me the feeling that I handled this the right way. That's my point! If I was so wrong, I wouldn't be hearing this! I called each and every member up, to make sure they were part of the website, and the conversation, to make sure they were paid up, and they were all very, very thankful for all I had done for them and gave me the feeling that you were ---

Lise: deep, serious, authoritative tone: Like I said, this has nothing to do with the other members. I'm not going to talk about the other members.

Morgan: sounding shaky: But my point is ---

Lise: I'm serious. I don't care. Stop talking to me about th ---
Telling an abuser that you don't care about opinions is actually a good strategy for many reasons. Sociopaths and psychopaths don't care what other people think (and most people are aware of that), so a borderline abuser will get worried that you are a sociopath or psychopath and usually stop ranting with such intensity, which she did. They begin to wonder if you are more dangerous than they are. They begin to wonder whether competing with you is in their best interests after all. They get nervous, like maybe you are one of those kooks with hair-trigger rage, or someone with a family member like that. They really don't know you so they start questioning themselves: like should they really be messing with you after all, should they have gone into a rage when they might be retaliated against? Hmmmm, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all. They begin to be worried and paranoid. Paranoia is the burden that all Cluster Bs carry around with them.
When public opinion as a weapon will not work, they really don't have many other weapons to use. Their rage tends to dissipate.
The other reason why I didn't care about "opinions" so much is because the old guard acted like brainwashed zombies in the days of Gertrude and Janice.
When you are a survivor (which I am), you learn not to be swayed by opinion anyway. You know that there will be other insecure bullies that want to take pot-shots at you too and may join in a team of bullies. You know that the opinions of your past abusers who told you that you were worthless no matter how hard you worked to gain their approval, and that your work and contributions were worthless or insignificant regardless (for instance) were something you had to give up on being concerned about, so you tend to be of an independent mind when it comes to other people's opinions (while still being polite). You understand that abuse escalates no matter what you do or don't do, what you say or don't say, so their opinions of you become pretty insignificant and useless. It is one reason why survivors are some of the most creative, brave, independent, trail blazing people you will ever meet. 

Morgan: sounding slightly more uneasy and less rage-ful: Well there really isn't anything to talk about then. You're just really screwed up. You know what? You're crazy. You're probably mentally ill or disordered or deranged or something. I should feel sorry for you. It must be hard to be in your shoes. It must be hard to live in your little cold world. You have some major problems. You don't care what other people think, that's interesting. You don't care what I think, either. You just live in a bubble of your own opinions and your own making. A bubble only you understand. And you don't care that it makes you alone, and doesn't make sense to anyone else. It's kind of like living in a fantasy world all of the time. That's why you think you're so important because it's a fantasy that you're this big important person that --

Lise: This is gaslighting! I'm not going to be listening to gaslighting statements --
You can read about what gaslighting is to understand what I am talking about.

Morgan: interrupts by hanging up the phone

Some notes about what happened next, with some of my own thoughts about whether I would want to change my reactions to her.

I did call her back to tell her that I recorded our "conversation". This changed the course of things, as I will reveal in a moment.

My main impetus for recording is that there is less likelihood for slander (because of the recording). Slander is usually a part of any bullying process and it can make for an intolerable work environment, and severe symptoms of PTSD for its victims if it goes on for a long period of time. Recording is a counter-manipulation, but it works on people who are out to hinder and hurt you. The best offense and defense against slander is recording someone in a bullying rage. As soon as you hear someone in a rage, record, record, record.

Anyway, she tried to muster up a stance about her being recorded, that she was proud of what she said, and how she acted, and would stand by it, and that people would still judge her to be "the better person".

I said, "Not with this recording. Uninterrupted rage? I think not."

Then she started sounding pitiful, like a little girl, and she was getting very paranoid:
"Don't ever touch my stuff!"
"Don't hurt me!"
"I don't want you to pick up any more of my pieces or display any more of my pieces! Just leave my work alone!"
"I could never work with you again!"
"I could never trust you again!"
"Don't threaten me!"
"I feel betrayed!"
"I just want to be left alone!"
"I can't believe that you don't trust me! I don't trust you!"
Then sounding almost tearful: "I'm feeling really stunned right now. It's like I've been hit with a bolt."

Abusers really do feel like victims when you disarm them. The fact that she felt stunned is a normal response to "possible exposure", especially since so many scapegoats and targets of abuse seem so polite and unassuming, when they seem so reasonable, like they will absorb abuse forever without defense, when they seem so patient in the face of so much rage hurled at them, when they seem so passive, when they seem to be on the defensive all of the time, when they seem like such a perfect target or scapegoat for abuse. Recording them in these tirades makes them feel pretty darn defeated. It's a stealthy move, kind of like a judo or karate move in that you let your opponent wear themselves out taking swings at you, and then you take the force of their blows and put them on the floor in one swift move.

In the following days, she did a lot of "trying to save face." Her e-mails out to the membership were peppy, cheerful, and all about how much work she was doing on the website, and for all of the members. She even came up with little fun games, inviting the membership to play. She was trying to put on this cheerful helpful little goody-two shoes role.

And yes, I was included in on the website, another victory.

She did make it clear that she was taking over the website, and that someone else besides me was going to be part of that effort, but a friend thought it was "perfect" (laughing all the while). This other person thought I should be happy that I'm not saddled with the job. "Just think: you get to make all kinds of birthday cards, and make even more money than she is making, because she's saddled with a website! She'll see all of your new designs popping up, and get ever more jealous and resentful, while she'll be doing everyone else's work." This friend also suggested I use it as a strategy: that I pretend to want to do something very badly, and in her competitiveness she'll make a grab for it and try to take it away from me. "You give her all the unwanted jobs this way!!" *giggles*

It is the same mentality of a person I wrote about in this post. Basically the story is of another "friend" (and I use the "friend" term loosely) used my interest in a man to see if she could seduce him away from me. If she was successful, she would find a way to dump the man, because she couldn't continue to compete with me if she held onto him. So, in order to get her going after a different man than the one I was actually interested in, I found a decoy man 3 hours away, and talked him up as much as I could to her, feigning falling in love with him, over many weeks to get her interested in going after him. And the bait worked: she went after the decoy man, and since decoy man lived so far away, she never saw much of my real love interest. In fact, the real man I was interested in was kept from her as much as I could possibly muster. I had time, finally, to build on a relationship without her intrusions and sabotage. By the time she caught on, it was too late, and I eventually married him. It is a type of gray rock method, in that you are counter-manipulating (most Cluster Bs are very predictable, and you know they are competitive jealous people who want what you want, and are so uncomfortable with the envy they feel that they will do just about anything to relieve themselves of that envy, so it is easy to trick them, and get them going on wild goose chases).

I have also learned to enjoy the feeling of having bullies afraid of me. I like it that this bully is in a box, that she can't mess with me very easily again. I like that this recording exists and that she may be more careful about bullying others too. The gallery, and area art scene, may be a very hard place for her to find targets, to get narcissistic supply.

Narcissistic supply (and bullying) from raging only works in the dark, in the most private of conversations, and she knows I won't protect the sanctity of private conversations between us. She will have to go elsewhere for someone else to dick around with, rage at, and play for a fool, because she knows I'm onto her.

Borderlines sometimes find their lives so ruined by their own regrettable rages that some of them seek help.

Borderlines are the only Cluster B that has a chance at recovery (usually). Very few narcissists and sociopaths care to change their behavior.

As I said in this post, most bullies "don't have a life", as the saying goes. They are usually unhappy in some aspect of their life. If you think about it, anyone who puts time into trying to bait someone so that they can have an outlet for bullying and rage cannot be happy. Anyone who has to "competition bait" someone else must feel inadequate. Most bullies are not careful about whom they bully, and this altercation with Morgan should be proof of that. They are generally not discretionary, and they even "mess with" people who have the potential of having authority, or clout, or knowledge of laws, or psychopaths, or who have spouses or family members with those kinds of traits. They take foolish chances at bullying (kind of the way philanderers take foolish chances at having affairs). Morgan did not know me outside of very limited contact ... not too smart!

Anyway, she may be a lot more careful about bullying now, knowing that recording is being done a lot on cell phones these days.

She may still be able to rage in her own home, and that may give her the perfect excuse not to change her ways. I have a hunch that Morgan is married to a quiet, unassuming, reserved man who walks on eggshells around her explosive rages. I also suspect that she gets away with a lot of rages. It means that she will probably not seek help as long as rages are working for her in that arena. The problem with being recorded is that she will probably feel hampered and in a double bind in telling the whole truth to her husband.  Many Cluster Bs find they have to alter the story to appear as the real victims. But, she would also be paranoid too of the whole story leaking out. So many cluster Bs put lies and excuses on top of more lies and excuses. Oh, dear, the anxiety of it all!

Paranoia and not keeping lies straight is the big reason why borderlines, narcissists and sociopaths become depressed later in life. Their shame has a way of catching up to them, even though they have spent their lives trying to keep it away.

I could have done things differently, and it is never a good idea to sit through someone else's raging and belittling sessions. But since she had probably been taking pot shots at me behind the scenes for quite awhile (jealousy will do that), and slandering my reputation, I saw nothing wrong in holding down the record button.

It was validating. It may work for you too. Since you are the first one to listen to that recording, you can hear right away that the person raging is the selfish one (who won't let you talk), who is the crazy one (who has amnesia about your contributions in the work place), who is threatening (while you are polite), who sounds stupid (because they repeat inane phrases), whose rage and anger are unreasonable (because they rage at just about everything you say). Other people will see them that way too if they hear. Recording is empowering in terms of justice; that is why it is used so much.

I didn't get to this point with Gertrude until Gertrude did a lot of damage. I feel I have made quite a bit of progress. Since Gertrude was part of the co-operative gallery, some of her residual scapegoating of Janice and me were left behind for Morgan to pick up perhaps, and use as a continued mission.

I am thankful that this time I am only dealing with what appears to be a borderline, instead of a rabid extremely manipulative malignant narcissist. This borderline may still try things here and there to upset me, but she is too hobbled to make an all-out assault now. I would bet that she doesn't rage at me again. If she does, I will put up a link here and let you know how it has played out.

Learning to deal with bullies is a skill like anything else, and I'll touch more on those skills later on.

Further reading:

How to Deal with a Verbally Abusive Coworker by Freddie Silver 
excerpt:

Verbal abuse includes shouting and swearing as well as intimidating gestures and hostile body language. Insults, ridicule and criticism -- whether to your face or secretly to colleagues and supervisors ...

What is Workplace Verbal Abuse and Is It Harmful to You? 

excerpt:

One answer is to tape-record the person doing the verbal abuse at work as he berates you. Sometimes, showing a recorder to the bully and asking him if he minds if you tape the conversation can be enough to prevent the verbal abuse. Or, you can record the abuser without his knowledge which permits you to gather proof just in case you wish to report him.

15 Kinds of Verbal Abuse: The Abuser Feels More Powerful When He Puts Down His Victim by Berit Brogaard, D.M.Sci., Ph.D. -- a Psychology Today Article which can give you an over-view on verbal abuse

Verbal Abuse from the Out of the Fog Website, a good resource for all types of abuse

constant insults and criticism (verbal abuse), how to deal with them

name of illustration: "Verbal Abuse and C-PTSD"

image is © Lise Winne

2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Being around people who constantly criticize you, find fault with you, insult you, defame your character (verbal abuse), or try to teach you a lesson (inappropriate between adults if it is not solicited), can be very difficult to deal with. Most of these people think of themselves as superior to you, so however you respond will not be heard unless they hear that you agree with them. Many victims simply become silent: "I'm talking to a brick wall anyway. Why bother ..."

People who have Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder (which are all cluster B personality disorders), or who are active addicts and alcoholics with significant anger management issues, make up the majority of abusers in this country. People with these personality disorders are less likely to change how they behave (and they also overwhelmingly show that they don't want to either). Here are some basic reasons why:

*Active addicts and alcoholics: Active alcoholics with anger management issues tend to act narcissistically (see how and why narcissists verbally abuse below). Like narcissists, they cannot handle any criticism and tend to attack people who they think are criticizing them. However, they can be more violent, unpredictable, impulsive and unthinking than narcissists, especially when they are drunk. Addicts will almost always put their drug before any relationship. Ethics usually take a back seat to personal desires and needs. Many addicts sense that if they are being rewarded for being verbally abusive and manipulative, they will use it, especially if the topic includes their drug.

*Unenlightened borderlines cannot take a hint of a complaint or criticism. It is like the end of the world for them where they feel abandoned. They tend to be more verbally abusive (as well as emotionally abusive), than the general population. According to this article by A.J. Mahari: (The) core wound of abandonment, when one is very young and experiences it, is the experience of psychological death. It is intense and arouses the borderline to fight for survival while they experience the sheer terror of feeling like they might actually just die or be killed by what they are feeling. This heightened state of arousal is both psychological and biological – it is physiological. It is a strong drive to survive and rage is at its core. Rage is the most primal feeling generated and the most protective defense that a young infant can muster to try to have the caregiver return to once again provide some sense of being for the infant ... Feelings and reactions of rage are experienced by those who go on to develop BPD so early in life that they precede cognitive and verbal development. This is what makes borderline rage so primal, so intense, and in the case of the borderline so raw and unmanageable in terms of often triggered dysregulated emotion of those with BPD.

*Unenlightened narcissists make up the majority of narcissists because to be enlightened means to be willing to look as deeply within the self as outside the self. True intelligence means being able to honestly assess both. Narcissists cannot assess both. It is unclear whether they are incapable of it, or are unwilling to self reflect. Like borderlines, narcissists also cannot take a hint of a complaint or criticism. They do not try to understand themselves from other people's points of view. They will not admit, even a little, that they could be wrong. So they tend to react childishly to feeling wounded: they vehemently attack other people: they rage, deflect, berate, blame, shame and purposely hurt others. They attack other people's points of view even if they feel they have to lie to do it. They are highly resistant to therapy, anger management classes, couples counseling and family counseling (unless they are praised by a therapist, which is unlikely, given narcissists ruthless behavior). According to this Psychology Today article by Leon Seltzer, PhD, narcissists experience any hint or feeling of criticism as a grave injury to their core selves ("narcissistic injury" is the term for it). They then go into "narcissistic rage" where they attack their target personally, usually using a barrage of criticisms and insults (verbal abuse), and they can be emotionally and physically abusive too. According to the article:  (They have) this need to be viewed as perfect, superlative, or infallible that makes them so hypersensitive to criticism. And their typical reaction to criticism, disagreement, challenges-or sometimes even the mere suggestion that they consider doing something differently-can lead to the "narcissistic rage" that is another of their trademarks. To protect their delicate ego in the face of such intensely felt danger, they're decidedly at risk for going ballistic against their perceived adversary ... All of which indicates just how fragile their artificially bloated sense of self really is. Given the enormity of their defenses, they regard themselves not on a par with, but above others. Yet they're mortally threatened when anyone dares question their words or behavior ... they take great pains to devalue or invalidate the person criticizing them. To achieve such dismissal of the threatening other, they'll do everything possible to negate their viewpoint. And this can include much more than blaming or indignantly challenging them. For narcissists, when their position has been exposed as false, arbitrary, or untenable, will suddenly become evasive, articulate half-truths, lie (actually, as much to themselves as others), flat-out contradict themselves (and to a degree that can leave the other person gasping!), and freely rewrite history (literally--and audaciously--making things up as they go along). This is why at such times they don't seem adults so much as six-year-olds ... In short, they often become so brutal, and even dangerous in their abuses, that they are abandoned by others.

*Sociopaths are highly abusive no matter what the situation. These are not happy people, so they tend to be on the look-out for someone in their lives whom they can hurt. They tend to be abusive on all levels: verbally, emotionally and physically. According to the APA's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, text revision (DSM IV-TR) -- (Wikipedia link), defines antisocial personality disorder (Cluster B):[7]
A pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others, occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following:
... failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;
deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
reckless disregard for safety of self or others;
consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;
lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

*Psychopaths are like sociopaths except they can hold down jobs, pretend to fit in with society and they carefully plan hurtful, evil deeds, which may or may not include verbal abuse. Many studies indicate that psychopaths have a brain disorder, while sociopaths are a product of their environment.

*Some very insecure people are addicted to criticizing others. It makes them feel better about themselves if they can criticize and verbally diminish others. Once they become social outcasts, they are usually more willing to change their behavior than personality disordered human beings.

Abuse can be learned too, especially if the abuser's parent has or had a personality disorder. These are also the kinds of people who can change and are more willing to seek help. The impetus for change is usually the result of wanting to hold onto a personal relationship. The abuser no longer wants to be abusive. For people who want to sacrifice a need for power and control in order to be in intimate loving relationships, therapy can work wonders. Therapists have remarked at how trans-formative the process can be from going to a person who makes threats to a person who listens to others and expresses a desire to have both people's needs met.

But people who have learned abuse, can also be stubborn about wanting to change. How do you tell if someone is stubborn as opposed to open? By listening to their words. These are the kinds of words that tell you they don't want to change:

"I grew up with this kind of behavior and I came out okay."
"I grew up with this behavior and I'm not going to change now."
"I grew up where you had to be tough. So I'm tough. If you're not tough, you get trampled on."
"I am what I am, for better or worse."
"I grew up with this behavior and everyone seems to do it: it's normal! Get over it!"
"Sometimes I go off the deep end and let my temper get the better of me. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll do better next time" -- and then they don't do better next time.
"You're too sensitive. Get some street smarts, for goddsakes! It helps to toughen up!"
"If I went around and got sensitive over every insult, I'd be in the nut-house! You have to be able to take insults and that is all there is to it!"
"I have to insult you because you're a goddamn nutcase!"
"Comedians insult! It's part of our culture! Lump it or leave it!"
"I don't care if you don't like it! I have a right to insult you whenever I want to! And right now you deserve it!"

Victims of verbal abuse often find themselves in one of several roles:

1. Criticizing, insulting or retaliating right back to keep from shutting down in your personal relationship, to keep energized and defending against the abuse by going on the attack. And attacking can be a way to feel strong, invincible, intact. You shout over each other, verbally tear each other to shreds, compare each other to others or turn them into snakes or other lowly creatures, bring out "extras" like what happened in a past argument, educate yourself for your side of the argument or defense. You can also get out your fists if you want to over-power them some more (turning the fight into a domestic violence incident). But you only attack them and insult them if they start verbally tearing you down or insulting you first, right? "Giving it right back" definitely can help you have a sense of autonomy from the one who attacked you by putting you on the same level as they are, like equal weight fighters in a boxing ring. Like lawyers, you can fight for your positions, even persuade a jury, and if all else fails, find some flaw in the other person that you can attack endlessly every time you think you need to win your side of the argument.

The only problem is that fighting fire with fire sets up a situation where your partner gets bruised and you get bruised too. You both go around in pain by what the other person has done. Then soon after that, fear of each other enters the relationship too, creating feelings of avoidance of the other person. It destroys the intimacy little by little and the two people become "indifferent" to each other (for more, read my blog post about how relationships are destroyed: from ego, indifference or abuse).

Why is indifference so bad? It is what divorces and permanent separations are made of. Have you ever studied a relationship where the two people are insulting each other every time they have an argument? They become indifferent to each other's perspectives, right? They shout over each other. They are mostly only interested in attack and/or persuasion, right? They are only interested in their side of the argument.

It is like building up an army. They have their walls, their trenches, their armor, their ways of defending and ways of attacking, and so do you. The strategy might change over time, but basically every difference or argument is a war.

This is what can happen when dealing with two people who have learned abuse in their childhoods. These relationships and behaviors can change, but only if both people want to change. Therapy can make the process go a little faster because you have a third party picking up on all of the unhealthy ways the two people are relating to each other and making suggestions to change it.

With personality-disordered individuals, the process of asking the disordered person to stop being abusive is practically impossible. They can't even think of other alternatives to the destructive fight fire with fire dance. With borderlines and narcissists, you cannot even hint at a complaint without getting a strong over-reaction. Borderlines have been known to become awash in extremes of emotions over criticism. They often go through a gamut of emotions like anger, rage, retaliation, wailing, breaking or ripping up precious mementos that bring up memories of their beloved and the past they shared together, and feeling suicidal at the end of it all, as though they will shrivel up and die over the criticism. They have also been known to falsify stories and slander their loved ones to win their side of the argument, and that adds a whole other dimension to the jury they seek. Narcissists, on the other hand, react to criticism in a more cold and scheming way. They retaliate wildly at any hint of criticism. Their favorite weapon of choice is a prolonged silent treatment (which is one of the more damaging and nefarious emotional abuses). During their silent treatments away from you, they usually try to hurt you in other ways too: by using the time to have fun (used to provoke the victim: i.e. "I am having fun, and you aren't, and I don't care if you are suffering", a very childish and hurtful kind of reaction to a conflict), through lies and slander, through scheming, by betraying you through cheating on you or becoming intimate with your enemies, by withdrawing all affection, through divide and conquer strategies, through enlisting other bullies to take you down (so that they can blame their co-bully if things go wrong), in addition to insulting you and lecturing you to make sure you understand that they are superior to you (at least in their own minds). They also like to play the victim, accuse you of what they are guilty of.

While normal adults can learn bad behaviors from narcissists, especially if they grew up with them, the difference is that normal adults are usually able to self reflect. Most narcissists are totally inept at self reflection and run away from any situation where they are being asked to use it. Furthermore, they love insulting others because it makes them feel energized, omnipotent, and most importantly, superior (their life goal), while feeding off of the pain and emotions of their victims, which is like food for their unfeeling cold souls.

Borderlines and narcissists are often abandoned because they cannot fight fair, and narcissists have also been known to go in for the kill as much as they can get away with, without breaking the law.

As for the antisocial personality disordered (sociopaths), they don't care what others think or feel, and they don't care if they break the law either, as long as they can inflict harm and damage on their subjects.

Be aware that breaking the law can be as simple as false imprisonment; like barring you from leaving their lecturing/blaming/shaming session, for instance. However, many sociopaths are capable of more criminal behavior than that, and usually escalate criminality and abuse if they don't get what they want.

Usually you can tell the difference between sociopaths and narcissists by how they react when they hurt you.

Narcissists will pretend to care about your hurt feelings down the road (after they have punished you and hurt you enough with their silent treatment). They pretend to care for one reason: to get back into your life for more narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply refers to getting sated by more flattery and enjoying and scheming how to control you via the wheel of abuse.

Sociopaths, on the other hand, hardly ever show care if they hurt you, except as a ruse to lure you into danger, i.e. to abuse you some more, entrap you and ensnare you, and keep you from leaving until they have you under their total control, listening to their demands and ultimatums, using fear and intimidation to get what they want.

Narcissists get off mostly on flattery whereas sociopaths mostly get off on fear. Sociopaths feel increasingly entitled to hurt you the more you resist being lured into their trap to abuse you. Scheming ways to hurt you and get away with it can overwhelm their minds.

If you fight fire with fire with these kinds of individuals, you can end up dead, injured, your property destroyed, or with debilitating PTSD (robotic, depressed, difficulty functioning simple tasks, isolating yourself, traumatic recurring nightmares, extreme passivity, disassociation, hypervigilence, suicide ideation) or Stockholm Syndrome (loving and/or worshiping an abuser to survive abuse). That is why abandoning them is mostly your only option and it is what most victims prefer anyway, because a life of happiness, fulfillment, and joy does not come from abuse, or even the highs and lows of the cycle of abuse.

As for fighting fire with fire with alcoholics, Alanon strongly advises against this. As I have mentioned before, alcoholics can act narcissistic-ally, plus they are also impaired in their judgement. They often see animosity in others when there isn't any. Attacking back when a loved one is alcohol-impaired and verbally assaulting you is dangerous. They are very unlikely to hear any reason, or to hear you at all. They can take everything you say and any look you give as an act of aggression.

Fighting fire with fire is a mutually abusive relationship. Verbal abuse, belittling, being mean, constant chiding, constant verbal put-downs (even in humor), isn't attractive in either the person who initiated it, or the person who used it to retaliate. Unless you want to live like the Jerry Springer Show in your personal and family relationships, there is no other way than to seek a better solution and way of life either by getting out of the relationship, or by both parties committing to a different non-abusive way of relating to one another.

You don't have any more integrity than your abuser, no matter how many barbs and insults you throw back at your abuser. Nothing is accomplished where neither party is listening to or agreeing with one another and the only thing that matters is scorching your loved one by attacking him or her in defense of yourself.

Additionally, if one of you starts backing down, and closing the other out, or acting passively, or appearing flat and emotion-less, these are signs of PTSD. All of the fighting makes brain chemicals react to the onslaught of constant threat and the stress it creates.

The intimacy is being killed right before your very eyes.

Battlefields do not make for healthy environments.

2. Going along to get along.  Say you are being verbally abused on a constant basis and you do not react to it, or almost always try to react reasonably and agreeably to it, then what happens?

One way or another, the road to mutual indifference is still likely to happen.

Sometimes people practice passivity because they do not want to be engaged in conflict. Perhaps it is because they feel disgusted with themselves if they act like abusers and bulldozers after their own agendas. Perhaps they've been brought up to be considerate of others' feelings, to be polite at all times, to appeal to the goodness of all people, to love your enemies.

At any rate, they already know that tearing their loved one down verbally will not garner good results.

So they try their best to appease.

Perhaps they stay in the relationship for the kids, or because they view marriage as an eternal union by their religion, or they've invested so much time and energy into it that they aren't ready to bail even though it has become a nightmare. Or they believe that their partner should come first before all others, no matter how badly they act. Or they appeal to their partner for better treatment, i.e. they try to get their partners to give up the bad habit of insulting them and hurting them. Maybe the abusive partner hears you say that you are hurt by their words and makes efforts to change. Maybe they don't.

Perhaps passivity is a way to feel more holy; i.e. like a good or saintly martyr.

Except being a martyr to the constant onslaught of verbal abuse can create a constant state of suffering and depression. You may get PTSD or C-PTSD whether you react kindly or not to verbal abuse and put-downs. (for more on why being a martyr is bad for you and bad for the verbal abuser go to my posts, If You Are Good and Show Altruism and Magnanimity, Will That Keep You From Being Abused? and Forgiving Abusers: the "You're Better Than That" Family Culture That Expects Victims of Familial Abuse to Make Up With Their Abuser.

Sometimes people who have been scapegoated by their family of origin or brought up by a borderline, narcissistic or sociopath parent learn passivity because fighting back brings extreme forms of punishment. Parents with personality disorders usually punish their children more often and severely. Punishments can range from a child being isolated for long periods of time, toys destroyed, a child's goals sabotaged, precious possessions being taken from them, erroneous guilt trips and punishments (like being reprimanded and disciplined for "that look on your face" for instance), expecting the child to be happy when they are sad, deprivation, neglect, favoritism of a "sycophant golden child" which can set up a situation of sibling abuse (see my blog posts about sibling abuse here and here ... another post about Favoritism in the Family is also relevant). Indeed all manner of emotional or physical abuse can be practiced by a parent. See this post for a list of emotional child abuses.

People with personality disorders also have a habit of lying to justify their actions and make themselves look better than they really are, an extra challenge for a small child.

Being groomed to take abuse, which is what happens when a child is scapegoated, means the child has learned to react to abuse by either shutting down, cowering, disassociating and living with constant PTSD (C-PTSD). Abusive parents have been known to use the symptoms of PTSD in the child to explain to others that his child is crazy or a little off, thereby justifying more abuse. Disordered parents are notorious for using gaslighting too to cover up their abuses and lies by making the child look like someone who can't decipher or speak about reality. C-PTSD is even more pronounced if there is chronic sibling or sexual abuse. The child's only other choice (and I do mean only) is to become a real-life marionette to his disordered parent.

Scapegoats are less like marionettes than their other siblings however; that is why they are scapegoated.

The golden "favorite" child is the more likely boot-licker and many goldens mimic their parent's disorder (as the highest form of flattery) in order to receive special privilege. Golden children, however, can also be severely punished, because so much more is expected of them. It is hard to be a full time marionette no matter how golden you are, to never slip up on your super-sensitive-to-any-criticism parent, to never be allowed an autonomous thought or action, to sacrifice your spouse or children for the parent, to praise your parent at every turn even when you know they are wrong, to go along with lies and slander, to be quiet when you want to speak up, to be willing to bully and slander others at a moment's notice at their request even if you don't want to, to agree to everything they want at all times, to follow their advice about your own life even when you know they are saying it to sabotage you (a sabotaged child is a weak child, is a more desperate child, is more likely to be a sycophant out of desperation). Golden children are more likely to get Stockholm Syndrome than family scapegoats. But, looking through forums, it is clear the greater majority of golden children abandon their disordered parents like the prior family scapegoats have done, even if they are the last of their siblings to do so.

Why? Because if there aren't any scapegoats left, they become scapegoated too (the parent alternates between scapegoating and idealizing). Goldens aren't used to that, so they can walk away without ever looking back! Many goldens are fellow narcissists and grew up feeling "more entitled" than their siblings. They feel entitled to a privileged life without burdens, and if all of the other siblings are out of the picture, no other sibling is around to protest how the parent is treated or abandoned.

As for reacting to passivity to people with severe personality disorders, as I have said, children of these kinds of parents get C-PTSD, so why would anyone want to voluntarily be in a relationship of this kind? No amount of their being handsome or a beautiful knock-out, no amount of money, no amount of "special privileges", no amount of great sex or family connections, no amount of putting up with abuse is worth it! It is like working for a cult leader or tyrannical boss. Fear, abandoning your dreams, your dignity, your autonomy, your sense of right and wrong, your thoughts, and saying "yes" to many forms of immorality (giving up your soul), living through deafening abusive silent treatments, being willing to put up with someone who enjoys hurting others, is the price of being involved with a severely disordered person.

As for family scapegoats, they can often find themselves in other relationships with disordered individuals as they go through life. Why? Familiarity! Plus they are used to being expected to go along to get along. Their families have groomed them to take abuse and all blame for everything that goes wrong in relationships. Until scapegoats realize they are in a bad pattern of accepting narcissistic and sociopath lovers, spouses and friends in their life, and that abuse isn't their fault, they often feel they can't escape abuse. It just keeps showing up again and again. Additionally, narcissistic and sociopath predators have a way of sniffing out scapegoated prey and family "rejects" as an easy way to get the narcissistic supply they so desperately want. Scapegoats who end up going to a therapist often wake up to what their family has done to them, and find they can break the cycle.

From reading forums, it is clear that most scapegoats feel they must sacrifice their families and go off on their own. Narcissistic parents are especially known for punishing and rejecting children who do not completely disclose every aspect of their lives to the narcissistic parent. It doesn't matter if the child is 60! Failure to disclose brings about retaliation. It is impossible to trust a narcissist, so the scapegoat most often will not be willing to disclose which sets up the conflict. Some scapegoats manage a relationship with their narc parent by putting up stringent boundaries: only discussions about gardening, cooking, travel, etc and absolutely NO discussions about personal, financial, professional or health matters. Some narcissists are willing to accept the boundaries just to keep the child on a tentative string (just in case), but most are not.

Breaking the cycle of being in relationships with a series of abusers for a person who has learned to accept abuse via the scapegoat role from his family, means more grieving and severing relationships for a scapegoat. Many scapegoats who are in therapy are willing to go through painful breakups for the sake of a better life and the hope of a better future for their own children. It is like leaving an oppressive tyrannical country as a refugee and making a better life for yourself in a new democratic country. Sometimes you leave abusers with as little as a refugee too, with the clothes on your back.

Statistically, scapegoats endure more poverty than their peers, and certainly more than their other siblings, but they often end up as the most successful in their family of origin if their self esteem has not been totally shattered, because they were the least willing to become controlled and enslaved by a punishing parent. They had more strength to fight for themselves than their siblings did, and they find more strength to fight for a better life than their siblings too. Scapegoats often have no family support at all when they become adults.

The goldens have support, and often a lot of it, but are not so lucky in being the chosen one in other regards. They competed with their siblings to get to "the privileged spot", sometimes by bullying their siblings out of the way, not knowing that in order to be there they would have to please their parent at every turn and at every whim, no matter whether the expectations were reasonable or not. Many give up everything to be in that coveted spot, to take on anything, including the abuse of their parent, just to get something out of the parent, only to find they, too, are discarded along with the scapegoats. Alternatively, they sometimes sacrifice so much for the parent, they find that they are too heavily burdened by that parent, to the point where they cannot have a single autonomous thought or sustain themselves.

Scapegoats in therapy learn not to go along to get along with insults and verbal abuse by either extricating, putting up boundaries, or working with loved ones who are willing to change the dynamic. You can too.

3. "Don't treat me that way." What happens in this instance? You aren't putting up with being verbally abused and being criticized at every turn, and you aren't trying to fight fire with fire; you are letting a verbally abusive person know that you do not want to be treated badly and that they need to change their behavior.

This is fine if the abuser is willing to change their behavior, but be aware that many abusers are not willing to change. Why? Because most abusers have a personality disorder and many personality disorders are rigid and intransigent.

It is worth a try, and if they refuse to treat you better, you can always end the relationship.

"Don't treat me that way" is a much healthier way to react to verbal abuse, and it is the way most people react to abuse. Most people have been raised in loving homes and have been taught good boundaries by their parents. Most people do not put up with abuse.

One reason abused victims get PTSD and C-PTSD is because they are in situations of abuse they cannot effect. They are helpless to the onslaught of abuses and/or violence, so their brain tries to protect itself by reacting in a certain way.

When you say, "Don't treat me that way." "Don't talk to me that way." "You are not to insult me again." "What don't you understand when I say I will not engage with you on that level?" "You are not to go further with these threats and insults." -- it puts the control the abuser wants to take from you back into your hands.

The abuser has one choice: to treat you with respect, dignity, as a fellow human being, with care and concern, with politeness. If he isn't capable of that, then you can go to the next step (which is what healthy, non-co-dependent people usually do who have been brought up to make good boundaries): bailing out on relationships that are abusive.

4. Bailing on the relationship. If you are choosing this way of dealing with someone who is being verbally abusive, or criticizing you ad-nauseum (especially if they are using criticism to control and dominate you or ruin your reputation), make sure you will not feel guilty about it later. Make sure you mean to do it permanently. Do not give the silent treatment, hoping that they will come around as the silent treatment is a relationship-buster and you are just throwing another form of abuse back at them (the silent treatment is one of the worse forms of emotional abuse). Very few relationships survive the silent treatment. See my post about the silent treatment is abuse! for more information.

Remember: rejecting others is permanent. Even in the best case scenario, where the other person returns after therapy and a good attitude about treating you better (with respect), they will probably always carry some resentment and distrust when it comes to you.

Rejecting others because their behavior is so bad, so abusive, and so unchangeable is a good option though, and you should definitely be open to it.

But there are some other options you can try before you get to the point where you permanently get the verbal abuser out of your life.

Ultimatums about behavior can sometimes work such as:
"I suspect your verbal abuse is coming out of your alcohol addiction. When you are completely dry and have been in treatment, give me a call, and perhaps we can pick up then."
"I will not be verbally abused any longer. If you go to therapy and go to some anger management classes, perhaps we can pick up the relationship at that point."
"I cannot be in a verbally abusive relationship. If you would like to change your behavior, give me a call then."
"I would like to work with you, but I feel you are criticizing me over too many things. I can only respond to one request at a time (and I hope these are requests, not demands, not a permanent state of being criticized continually). If you are willing to work with me on a solution that will be beneficial for both of us, give me a call at that time."
"I suspect your verbal abuse is learned behavior. If you have any desire to change this behavior, give me a call and we'll both try to hammer out a solution."

There is also going "low contact" (LC): seeing each other a couple of times a year, not getting into heavy subjects, just giving one sentence answers when they ask how you are doing, keeping to uncontroversial subjects.

If that fails, there is "very low contact" (VLC): not seeing them unless it is absolutely necessary, keeping phone calls short, maybe a card or two once or twice a year, refusing to discuss any personal subjects.

LC and VLC are often used by many survivors of narcissistic parents. You may have to be in situations where you have contact with them, even if you don't want to see them. You also realize they cannot change. "Low contact" is a way to avoid them mostly, and ensures that subjects where they can construe or misconstrue criticism out of what you are saying cannot easily happen. You just keep to conversations to subjects like nature, cooking, decorating and travel. Many therapists recommend to patients of narcissistic abuse that they adopt VLC or LC. This makes family get-togethers possible, and where they are not so likely to attack you because the subjects are so banal and uninteresting (gray rock discussions). Narcissists like to be praised, so you can always tell them how nice they look and they might feel satisfied with that enough to leave you alone. Remember to ask those family members you are close to not to transfer information to the narcissists who have hurt you in the past, as many narcissists like to use information for nefarious purposes.

Other phrases that are either verbally abusive or that border on verbal abuse:
"You make my skin crawl."
"You drive me crazy."
"Your cooking sucks."
"I'm not in the mood to take shit from you."
"I really don't care what you think."
"I can't stand you right now."
"All I need is some peace from you."
"I hate you when you wear that dress."
"You drive me crazy with that music! Can't you play anything right?"
"I hate you when you do that! You are sooooo irritating!"
"I'm not in the mood for you. Leave me the fuck alone!"
"I don't want to discuss this!" on a consistent basis, especially if there is no history of abuse in the relationship.
"I don't have time for this! I need this done! Now! I can't deal with your problems! Figure out how to deal with your own problems! I have enough of my own!"
Always and never statements on a consistent basis:
"You are always late no matter what. Can't you get your shit together?"
"You never can function. You're always sick. I get sick and tired of this."
"You always start arguments after sex. Can't you ever just cuddle afterwards like normal married couples do?"
"You always forget!"
"Why can you never do things right?"
"It looks like I'll always have to live with you doing this" or "like this."
"It looks like you'll never change your habits."
"You always make a big deal out of nothing."
"You never want to please me; all you care about is yourself."
"You always were bad; now you've proven it for good."
"You can never do anything I ask you to do."
"I'm tired of you always thinking about that!"
"You'll never amount to anything; you have always been a failure." (destructive, abusive)
"Are you ever going to snap out of this? I'm tired of you always being out of it."
"I always take care of you! You have no right to complain!"
"You always put others before me! What about me?"
"You'll never fix that wall! I guess I'll have to do it! Thanks!"
"Why do you always put the heat up when I want it down? Don't you know you are ruining the environment with this energy consumption? Get with the program! I've said this a million times!"

Any combination of these on a regular, constant basis (every day or every other day) can anesthetize your partner against your perspectives and concerns because they are an onslaught of insensitivity: either outright mean or border-line mean.

Always and never statements on a constant basis are what many personality disordered people use as they are typically black and white thinkers. They don't weigh things. They don't investigate thoroughly. They tend to go with how they feel when they judge situations or people rather than by facts and research. They think something or someone is all good or all bad, all or nothing, all your fault and not my fault at all, all your doing and I didn't contribute to it at all, it's got to be all my agenda and not your agenda at all, my perspectives are all important and yours aren't at all.  Some of us may have learned to use always-never phrases by growing up with a parent who used them. If we are willing to self reflect and see how and why we use these phrases, and make steps to remove them from our present dialogue, then we can make our relationships better too.

As for complaining, why is constant complaining detrimental to our relationships? Because most people can only deal with one complaint at a time, or a week. They have to spend time processing the complaint and think about how they are going to address it (which means either fixing it, ignoring it, putting it aside to take care of bigger problems, or deciding it is not worth fixing at all).

For instance, if everything in a vehicle needs fixing, the vehicle is flawed; it is hardly worth the time and energy to fix it. If you are rattling off a hundred complaints, and you are not giving your mechanic time to write it all down, he will think of you as someone who likes to complain, rather than as a someone who has legitimate issues that need addressing.

Too much complaining about hundreds of issues, especially if the complaints are directed personally towards a partner you live with can make your partner shut down. It can also effect the self esteem of your partner. Lack of self esteem does not produce a can-do attitude in them. This is true especially if the complaining is severe, and much more prevalent than the praising. Alternatively, sometimes partners of complainers keep their self esteem intact by taking their partner's constant complaining with a grain of salt, through avoidance. They half-hear their partner rattling off the complaint-of-the-day, for instance. In that case they might feel that the constant complaining is an irritant they feel they need to put up with, but which they don't feel is in dire need of addressing. The lesson? Use complaints wisely, without overwhelming your partner.

Complaining, being mean, using too many always and never phrases can kill the intimacy, and may even kill the relationship. Even if you are in a committed relationship, it can make your relationship seem like you are roommates rather than two people who love each other and enjoy being around each another.

Research and links:

Patricia Evans has written extensively on verbal abuse. Her books on verbal abuse and controlling relationships on Amazon are HERE. She also has videos on You Tube HERE.

If You’re Saying These 5 Things, You’re Hurting Your Kid  -- Psych Central article by Peg Streep

What are signs that the verbal abuse is escalating to physical abuse -- Help Guide

What are signs that the verbal abuse is escalating to physical abuse? -- Yahoo answers

Signs you are verbally abused: part one
Signs you are verbally abused: part two

Some ideas on how to shush a constant fault-finder

Dr. Phil: are you a fault-finder? -- he also discusses "always and never" phrases

Oprah Winfrey: Verbal Abuse: How to Save Yourself

Ways to handle criticism

Why are People Mean? -- Psychology Today article

Always and Never Phrasing -- from Out of the Fog Website

The Cumulative Effect of Narcissistic Abuse -- by Lenora Thompson (talks about the cumulative effect of digs, insults, shaming on children of abusive narcissistic parents)
Why Narcissists Need You to Feel Bad About Yourself -- a study reveals that people with high self esteem usually perceive others favorably, but those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder compare others negatively to themselves, often using insults and focusing on flaws.

I found this on facebook and thought it was powerful. It is a drawing by Jenna Simon.

  "They're Just Words", © artwork by Jenna Simon, 2015

from healthyplace:

Here is a video I found on verbal abuse with a song called "Mad World" by Donnie Darko. The video is by ParodyWisp (screen name):

Remember children: