why narcissistic abuse can hurt so much

name of art: "Effects of Child Abuse"

image is © Lise Winne

watercolor, ink and graphics, 2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

People in healthy relationships work out differences by adopting these practices: "I am sorry." "I forgive you." "I want to understand what happened." "Let's work it out." "I want this relationship to work out, so let's talk it out." "I'm trying to understand where you are coming from." "Do we understand each other? I think that is what is most important right now before we hammer out a solution." "I know you are hurt, but I honestly didn't mean to do that." "I love you. The love is so much stronger than either of our agendas. So I hope there is a compromise we can both live with." "I'd love to resolve this with you so that we are both mostly satisfied, even if we can't be all satisfied." "This is a relationship. That means both of us have to be heard and considered." "You are so precious to me. I would love to work this out with you." "We can resolve this."  "I'm so glad we can talk things out." "Let's make up!"

Most relationships fall into that category. It's what most people expect when they are in new relationships too. Which is why it throws a lot of us off guard when we encounter narcissists.

There is a huge difference in the way conflicts are approached when you are with a narcissist.

Narcissists work out differences by going on the attack. They have reprimanding sessions. Their favorite phrase is "You have a vivid imagination." Other attacks include: "I always knew you were crazy!" "I would never say that!" "It's your fault." "You are to blame for ALL of this!" "You know what's wrong with you? I'll tell you!" "You need to learn a lesson!" "I don't care if this relationship works out or it doesn't. I just don't want to hear any more." "If you say one more thing ..." "You need to apologize!" "I'm not going to dignify that with an answer!" "If that's the way you feel, I'm warning you! You'll pay for it!" "I'm sorry you feel that way." (coldly). "You're better than that!" "Wow! You need to get a grip!" "Ha! Ha! Guess what? I don't care!" "You're a spawn of the devil!" "How dare you!!"

Big difference!

And this is not all! Narcissists love (and I mean LOVE) the silent treatment as a weapon. Every time you want to talk normal, in a healthy way, you are met with a barrage of more reprimanding, blaming, stonewalling, patronizing, insults, goading and the sulking silent treatment unless you say exactly what the narcissist wants to hear. Except you'll never know what they want to hear because they are notorious for saying, "It should be obvious!" or "As if you didn't know!" They think everyone should read their minds! So, it is a guessing game. If you don't get the guess right, they just give you more of the silent treatment. It is more indicative of how three year olds act when they do not have good communication skills and want an adult to understand what they are feeling and thinking at all times.

If that wasn't enough, they also expect you to apologize when they've abused you. You are supposed to feel that they can't help but be abusive, that you have to give them a different set of moral standards than they give you. They think that all of their abusive tendencies are because it's someone else's fault and because everyone else except them is flawed and is deeply provoking to the narcissist. That is why they are personality disordered: their view of the world is that they are perfect and no one else is, so everything that goes wrong, even if it goes a little wrong, the blame has to go away from them and onto someone else. When they feel someone is to blame, they retaliate in the most destructive way they can, and feel their victim deserves it. They are teflon people with huge egos.

They have been known to be totally shocked and surprised when therapists tell them they are not so special, that they are not better than others. They have also been known to be just as dumbfounded  when they've committed a crime and told they are as culpable and responsible for it as anyone who commits the same crime.

So, the result is that you can't work things out. The narcissist doesn't want to work things out; all he (or she) wants is for you to realize that your stature is lower than his, that you don't deserve equal treatment or to be considered, and that he has a right to belittle you, berate you, lecture you, insult you, dominate you, enslave you to his agenda and abuse you.

In the meantime, you are expected to walk on paper thin eggshells so that he doesn't attack you further.

People who have been brought up in normal households, mostly walk away from relationships with narcissists. Their parents have taught them good boundaries and what respect and understanding sounds like. When you grow up with addicted, neglectful, traumatized, psychologically disordered, abusive, borderline, narcissistic or sociopathic parents, your parents never taught you good boundaries, and your radar for sensing toxicity in a potential partner is compromised. Additionally, if you have been brought up as the scapegoat (where blame for everything that goes wrong in the family is heaped on you), or shaming (which is emotional abuse designed to make you feel worthless) or to feel you are flawed, then your guilt about it can override your boundaries. This is how narcissists slip into your life. Once they are in your life, they wreak havoc, bring misery and trauma, and they can even destroy you. And then you have to figure out how to safely extricate yourself from them (and make no mistake about it, safety is a big concern as perpetrators escalate violence when their target is just leaving, or right after the target has left).

The trauma is what is hardest to get over. Your "We can work it out" healthy attitudes are taken advantage of, stepped all over, and in the end, crucified. "We can work it out" in effect is met with an implied "You are crap! How dare you not capitulate to me!" or "How dare you criticize me!"

"We can work it out" should only be met with "Yes, we can work it out." If it is anything other than that, you are probably dealing with a toxic disordered person.

For a list of cluster B personality disorders that practice abuse and domestic violence go here.

To understand why narcissistic silent treatments are abuse and can cause trauma in their victims (C-PTSD), go here.

To understand why most abusers do not want to change the way they behave, go here.

If you think that you won't be abused if you do everything your abuser wants at all times, and that you are willing to be saintly and altruistic, think again and go here (abuse tends to escalate no matter what, and especially if you become docile, passive and don't fight for yourself).

Most abusers attack you on many levels: verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically, by triangulating, by raging and blaming, by expecting from you perfect execution of words and feelings that they approve of, through gaslighting, through blame-shifting and projection, through gossip and smear campaigns, through isolation tactics, through denouncing your feelings, through financial abuse or underhanded financial competition, through erroneous blaming, through any kind of injustice they can think of, through hypocrisy, and finally by pretending to be the victim of you. If your parent is abusive, they will most likely be playing nasty favoritism games between you and your siblings too, in addition to all of these attacks. If you are married, they are most likely putting you through love triangles. And if all of this is not enough, they get a gleeful attitude, a bounce in their step, a happy smile, which they try to make known to their target (victim) in any way they can -- in other words they "get off" on being abusive and getting away with abuse.

sign #1

Hopelessness coupled with the trauma of having been abused, is why it hurts so much. Depression, sadness and internalized anger are often the outcomes.

I found this on Peace's facebook page (he has written a number of books under that pseudonym):

remember children:

most long term relationships are destroyed by ego, indifference or abuse

name of cartoon: "Ego and Heart"

image is © Lise Winne

2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

(Note: for a list of abuses, emotional, verbal, physical, financial and sexual, visit this post)
A good rule of thumb in detecting whether you are being abused or not, is if the other person is intentionally trying to hurt you through words and actions. Blaming can also be emotional abuse if most or all of what is going wrong in the relationship is being attributed to you by your partner (i.e. all your fault) or you are being blamed for their abusive behavior.

The Buddhists knew it all along: relationships are destroyed by ego ... even the relationship you have with yourself! More on this later.

It is easy to figure out why relationships are destroyed by indifference: "I don't care!" spoken too many times to your partner means that you are putting up a wall, negating their perspectives, perceptions, experiences and life-force. Their needs, love, thoughts, responses and unique qualities are no longer important to you. This means that you are no longer having a relationship with them and the rift deepens as hurt feelings multiply and the wall that you have put up to block their perspectives widen.

The faux-apology like "I'm sorry you feel that way" when they are hurt by your non-loving responses or actions would come under this category as well.

But what about abuse? Why would anyone want to abuse their loved ones in a relationship? As I have stated in this post and this post, abuse can be learned, but most often it comes from personality-disordered individuals: borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder. Some addictions like alcoholism can mimic personality disorders, particularly narcissism.

I have talked a lot about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in many posts in this blog. Having this disorder is a crisis in ego. The NPD wants to control and dominate others. They want  followers and admirers first and foremost, over intimacy, over a connection of souls sharing the experiences of life, over building familiarity, commonality and trust.

In order to obtain admirers, masking is required. The mask of the NPD is where the NPD puts all of their pride, not in the authentic self.

Most NPDs break out into a rage if they feel they are criticized, critiqued, or indeed, if any words or actions from others they are close to are portraying autonomy, or a difference of opinion, even if it is not meant to hurt the narcissist. They take criticism and autonomy to mean that they are not valued. If people in their lives are not thinking about them on a consistent basis, they are like a plant that shrivels. If their loved ones are not admiring, praising, walking on eggshells around the narcissist and thanking them at every turn, they feel useless. If their so-called admirers aren't doing exactly what is expected, the narcissist's pattern is to retaliate and rage, then to move onto accusations and a torrent of blame-shifting, then to discard via the silent treatment and finding another person to take their place. They can alternately move onto someone else before they get to the silent treatment to send you the message that you aren't worthy of them. It is all very, very strategic abusive behavior on their part.

So why do they abuse if it will ultimately make their victims feel less admiring, less invested, less trusting, more distant, more disgusted, more resentful, more critical -- and haunt the abuser to the point where they feel they have to cover their tracks with endless excuses, more desperate erroneous blaming, diverting and lies to keep the safety of the mask on? Surely they know that once they abuse, that's the sign to their victims that the mask has come off, and all that will be left standing in its place is an abuser with very little decency and virtue.

Well, why do you think they run away so easily from responsibility and their relationships? It is because the mask is where all of their pride and self worth are invested and bundled; the authentic self behind the mask is deeply shamed and lacking in integrity. Indeed their real souls probably want integrity, so that they don't have to create so many lies and crazy-making counter defensive strategies, which can usually be undermined by more and more of their false stories being exposed, with the need for their ever-more desperate cover-ups.

But, most narcissists would rather falsify and cover up than take the relatively easier path of obtaining integrity through honest means. That's why it is a personality disorder: it is destructive to self and to others, and like an addiction, it creates an illusion of being happy and fulfilled, a life being well-lived. To a narcissist, it is easier to just go out and find another admirer or victim than to work on relationships and have integrity. This is why narcissists are known for having short term relationships that end abruptly, sometimes without discussion or reflection. The shamed self often is exposed when someone finds out the narcissist was or is abusive. They feel too entitled or lazy to work on relationships they are already involved in, so they cover up their shame by a barrage of blaming and diverting, never taking responsibility for their part in the destruction of their relationships (this is very similar to the way alcoholics and addicts act too). They lie to others about how their partners treat them (feigned victimization) so that they can preserve the mask at all costs, even if they risk getting caught, even if investing in that mask is a bad investment that will ultimately bring the narcissist to his knees.

If the ego was healthy, there would be no need to rage over others' perceptions and imperfections of oneself, or to lie about events to make themselves look better than they actually are.

Many normal people have a little bit of narcissism, but most of us don't act on it. We can be hurt by criticism, and perhaps even feel like lashing out and sulking in silence (silent treatment) for a few hours, or at most a day, but the difference is that most of us still don't react in that way because our empathetic natures are much more prevalent than our narcissistic natures. We care about what our actions will do to the people we love and the relationships we have invested in. People with normal doses of empathy have the ability to self reflect, and search within to see if the criticism is legitimate. If the criticism is legitimate, then we might want to respond or change for the better, or for the sake of the other person. Or we might express why we don't want to, and expect the other person to respect our boundaries and decisions about it. Most people don't try to hurt the other person in a relationship, or throw the relationship away (that is the territory of narcissistic behavior).

From an article on The Good Men Project, Joanna Schroeder states:

... marriages aren’t destroyed by a lack of knowledge, lack of innovation, or lack of grandeur. Marriages are destroyed by ego. And it is ego that keeps us from hearing the voice inside, which is whispering the answers we already know about how to make our marriages come alive ... Marriages aren’t healed with big things; they’re healed with small things done every day. They aren’t healed by doing new things; they’re healed by doing old things we used to do and quit doing somewhere along the way. And, if we can set aside our ego for a little while, we don’t need anyone to tell us what those things are. We already know. Beneath all of our hiding and pretending and protecting and defending and accusing and criticizing, there is a voice always whispering the answer. -- Joanna Schroeder

When a married person has an affair, or is seduced by another, and puts on a mask to his spouse that he or she is being faithful, the mask is hiding the fact that they are not faithful. When the mask comes off, there is usually a crisis. The person behind the mask is exposed as a liar and a cheater and it can be devastating to the spouse on the receiving end: "All along I thought you had integrity! All along I thought you were invested in our marriage! All along I thought you loved me! All along I thought you were honest! All along I thought you were the kind of person who would fight to keep your integrity and resist temptation!"

The trauma doesn't just happen in the spouse who found out; it is also in the person who got found out (exposure). What happens next is how to determine whether it was a lack in judgement, a lack of care and concern, or whether it is outright abusive behavior.

Does your partner admit to a failure in integrity or weakness with obvious shame? Do they try to make amends? Are they willing to attribute blame to themselves and take responsibility? Are they willing to stop the affair (i.e. to stop hurting you?). Are they willing to go to counseling with you? Do they care about how their actions effected you, your feelings, your trust, your security, your relationship?

If they don't care about what kind of effect their actions have on you, that is a red flag. That is a sign of some narcissism, i.e. "I mostly only care about what I want and you always will come after that." Be aware that alcoholics and addicts can display narcissistic or manipulative tendencies too: it is often a part of their disease -- and don't forget that sex addiction is a classified real addiction and it can mean your partner is putting their addiction before their marriage as well.

A strong indicator of your spouse abusing you by having an affair is any one of the following: putting the blame for their actions and their affair on you, excusing themselves of all responsibility, flaunting their lover in your face, expecting you to compete with their lover, continued signs of indifference to you or your feelings, expecting you to fix the marriage, expecting you to fix their desires to have affairs, expecting you not to feel, pathological lying when you have asked for the truth, blaming you for being hurt (i.e. being told "you create drama", "you're too sensitive", "you shouldn't be hurt", and blame-shifting like: "if you weren't hurt, sad and depressed all of the time, I wouldn't have an affair"), gaslighting ("you didn't see me kissing my lover; it was all in your imagination"), expecting preferential treatment because they are desired by someone else (i.e. "put your needs and feelings aside for what I want; it is your responsibility to save our marriage"). There are many more, but this is a start: in general, abuse is doing things to intentionally hurt you, destroy your self esteem, and/or blaming you for their actions.

Be aware that once abuse is part of your relationship, the frequency, duration and intensity all tend to escalate. There is often little choice but to get out.

In old age, the narcissist usually destroys the relationship they have with their own egos too. They have been abandoned or have abandoned others many times over. The elderly narcissist can be lonely and bitter. The people left aren't the healthy people with hearts who care about intimacy, ethics, compassion and justice. The healthy people have left long ago because health means living without the abuse and continued dominance of another, health means not living with falsified stories that shift and sway to an agenda, health means not being co-dependent with abusers.

Who knows why narcissists get rid of all of the good people with hearts in their lives, but I think it may be their soul's way of teaching itself a brutal lesson which is possibly karmic. There may be a good soul behind the mask of the abuser. That sounds weird to say that. How can "good person" and "abuser" be in the same sentence? Well, if it is stripped of the mask, it would have no choice but to work on the shamed self that caused all of the abuses because it couldn't stand itself otherwise. No more lies, no more spinning, no more blaming of others, no more arrogance and hypocrisy, no more expecting of others that they would never expect of themselves, means working hard on integrity, and keeping vigilant of it. The mask is used only to prolong, to obstruct the soul taking the right path, the path of authenticity.

Thus narcissists are often betrayed by the ones who are left in their world because the ones who are left are impervious to abuse; they are usually fellow narcissists willing to overlook the abuse of the elder narcissist. They look past the abuse for one reason only: to seduce and croon their way into the inner realm, waiting to swoop in to get the spoils. As soon as the elderly narcissist is weak, the fellow narcissists do what they do best: treat their aged fellow narcissist as prey: raging at the slightest protest, going back on their word, intolerant of criticisms, depriving them of a voice, abusing, discarding and exploiting with impunity.

An elderly narcissist that hasn't weakened yet will still have the ability to punish, and their grown children and elderly spouse take the brunt of it, but the narcissist's smear campaigns can be relatively ineffectual (because the family is onto them by the time they are old: the truth has a way of coming out in bits and pieces eventually). Their money and their looks are not much use to them except for providing essentials: they can't buy admiration, health and security, and they can't seduce more lovers.

The mask of the unhealthy ego which says I'm perfect and special and you are not, then, is at war with their real selves. By desperately trying to hold onto the one thing they've invested in for most of their lives at the expense of ALL relationships, the mask starts its disintegration when there are no more good people to exploit. Now it is their turn to be exploited. As their fellow crocodiles are attacking and chomping away at them, the mask is the first thing to go because it is the shield to what the crocs really want, the shamed, fearful, shivering, self, that the elder narcissist hid. The weakened elder is more and more at the mercy of their own shame, as the crocs bring it out in one layer of denial after another, expecting the weakening elder to capitulate to demands, and to cry for mercy and relief. Begging is the grand prize to all narcissists and it doesn't matter if the beggar is a fellow narcissist.

photo from After Narcissistic Abuse facebook 

(I also recommend reading the writing that goes with the link to the picture above) 

stuff feelings, don't talk or trust, be invisible: the message of dysfunctional alcoholic families

name of artwork: Keep Feelings to Yourself, Keep the Dirty Family Secret

(inspired by the book title of Robert A Becker and the observations of Claudia Black)

image is ©2014 Lise Winne
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

This article by Pamela Weintraub in Psychology Today describes what living with alcoholic parents are like and why trauma is acute and common. Excerpts from the article:

The alcoholic family is one of chaos, inconsistency, unclear roles, and illogical thinking. Arguments are pervasive, and violence or even incest may play a role. Children in alcoholic families suffer trauma as acute as soldiers in combat; they also carry the trauma like an albatross throughout their lives.

Not only is the experience devastating, it's common, says Stephanie Brown, founder of the Alcohol Clinic at Stanford Medical Center, where she formulated the developmental model of alcohol recovery. Seventy-six million Americans (about 45 percent of the U.S. population) have been exposed to alcoholism in the family in one way or another, and an estimated 26.8 million of them are children... 

... Claudia Black, a leading expert on adult children of alcoholics and author of It Will Never Happen to Me, says these children grow up with three dangerous rules: don't trust, don't feel, and don't talk ... Since the parents inflict so much pain on their families, they teach their children to suppress their emotions just to survive. Indeed, alcoholic parents are prone to angry or violent outbursts that (along with the drinking itself) they end up denying, and children in such a home may buy the delusion, themselves. Since the children are inculcated to deny the reality around them, they develop a resistance to talking about urgent, important, or meaningful aspects of life. -- Pamela Weintraub

I have also personally witnessed and known some adult children of alcoholics who also expect their children not to feel anything in traumatic situations (and the children who do "feel" being labeled as crazy and over-reactive when hurt or abused by others), though I haven't been able to find any literature on the subject (note on 4/12/15: I did find some answers, and I wrote about them here). It is just something I note in my observations in meetings, group therapy situations and in experiences in my own life. As with active angry alcoholics, it is about walking on eggshells, keeping quiet and not having a voice (especially if it is about confronting, i.e. about important and meaningful subjects that may be mutually emotionally laden or controversial, none of which can be expected to be resolved in a healthy open-discussion manner)...

To find out more about the dynamics of how angry outbursts that end in abuse by a member of a dysfunctional alcoholic family get discounted and diminished by other family members, GO HERE TO THIS POST. 

healthy versus unhealthy relationships

Your relationship can be like this ... :

... or like this:

you choose.

© Lise Winne, 2014, Angry Heart and Lovey Heart
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

With Valentines Day so close, the focus is on relationships.

Maybe you wonder (as I did for so many years) what the difference is between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

A healthy relationship is one in which both voices carry the same amount of relevance and weight, where caring, respect, love, listening, admiration and devotion are mutual.

One view of an unhealthy relationship is HERE. Most unhealthy relationships are usually lopsided, with the most unhealthy being about an abusive angry power-and-control pit-bull pitted against a silent self effacing devotional meek mouse or two revenge seekers continually striving for the upper hand.

Here's the in-depth version:

An unhealthy relationship:
If people in your situation are thinking that the other person needs to do all of the work to make things right then you are in an unhealthy relationship. If someone is giving you the silent treatment and waiting for what they want from you (or they are feeling entitled to get certain responses, types of apologies, types of communications, types of reactions, types of groveling, types of admissions, types of accolades and appreciations, types of love and adoration) it almost always means pain, sadness and loneliness (more for the victim than the perpetrator perhaps, at least in the short term). 

Anyone who is trying to extract predetermined outcomes in any relationship, the relationship is usually full of strife. Life is a wild card: you can't even expect the sun to shine and then rain the next day. Life has a way of delivering lots of happenstance surprises, good and bad, unless you are one of those people who can predict with accuracy and be constantly showered with luck.

There are many people who feel so exceptionally entitled that you could stand on your head for them or even be dying and you wouldn't matter to them. They want what they want and how they want it and if you don't live up to their relationship expectations and perspectives on how you should act and provide, then you are rejected, shamed and shunned over and over again. You can be silent or you can speak out. Your silence can ensure suppression and oppression (as well as not rocking the boat); speaking up can ensure that these kind of people will "up the ante" so that they remain on top( really rock the boat). The goal for them is continual entitlement, to be in power and in control. "Power and control people" have one agenda and it is not your well-being or even the well being of a trusting loving relationship. If you are feeling lonely and hurt when in the company of someone, then you are probably with a "power and control" type of person. Run like hell. 

A healthy relationship:
It is better to be with people where honest, open, loving communication is more important than your submission to them. If you feel you have to give in or admit to things you didn't do, or admit they are right when they aren't just to keep the peace in situations where you are called names (i.e. crazy, bitch, bastard, snake, serpent, dog, worthless human being, nothing, etc), then you are just feeding an unhealthy relationship. Respect and love always works two ways. 

If you wonder what healthy communication and a healthy relationship is, here is an article I found on Huffington Post by Glennon Melton how healthy relationships flourish. Below I quoted some of the best nougats for my situation. What about you?

We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.

When did you feel loved today?

When did you feel lonely?

What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?

What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?

What can I do to help you right now?

I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.

~~ Glennon Melton

alcoholic family wheel of abuse

ALCOHOLIC FAMILY WHEEL OF ABUSE

drawn, configured, written and conceived by Lise Winne

© 1/30/2014

inquiries: lilacgrovegraphics (att) yahoo.com

The way this wheel works:

It starts on the red and then goes around and around until the victim

starts a new life after experiencing the grey part of the circle a number of times. 

If all family members get help, it increases the chances for a better outcome. 

This wheel was inspired by the cycle of abuse wheel (which is almost always portrayed as between two people). I go a little further than that for the alcoholic family and include all of the enablers in the wheel. 

Alanon is basically a program for recovery. When you are in recovery and learning to cope, you realize the coping methods can be used in your other relationships as well (including any toxic family members, co-workers, anyone). 

"When you're living with an alcoholic, it's ALL about them" is what I remember hearing in my first meetings by some of the attendees.

True, but....

Other people (and family members around the alcoholic) can be just as toxic as many alcoholics, even people who are sober. They can pick fights, send you a barrage of insults and labels, reject you for no apparent reason other than to see what kind of rise they'll get out of you, play with your emotions to see if you'll grovel or to see how valuable they are to you, pit people against each other, play nasty favoritism games, threaten and intimidate you, tell you that you're making mountains out of molehills when you're hurt, and so on. Some sober people can be as controlling, deceitful, angry, threatening and self centered as many alcoholics.

What I have witnessed with crazy, controlling, abusive, provoking, rejecting, upsetting families is that when a family member attempts recovery (through a program like Alanon) and they start setting up healthy boundaries or of challenging other members to stop a blame game (for instance) the other family members always seem to want to drag the person who is trying to be more healthy about communications back into the dysfunctional fray again.

Someone I know likened it to a bucket of crabs. If one attempts to get away, then the other crabs try to pull it back in again. Ugh...

"My whole family is about sick forms of communication: telling each other what to do every second of their time together, attack-then-defend situations at every turn, unsolicited advice, everybody's a busy-body, everyone is trying to take control, manipulate and teach someone something, everyone is talking over each other and not listening, then there's the jostling for alliances, power and betrayals which cause a lot of hurt, fighting and gossip, and then there's the abusive, self centered alcoholic at the center of everything," a woman told me, looking exasperated. Exactly. Most alcoholic families seem to be like this. 

By the time most people come to Alanon, they are in extreme pain from all of this nonsense. Many have been shunned from their families as a tactic to get them back in line again. A lot of Alanon members adopt each other as their new family, just so they can have some form of deep, respectful communication with people who are serious about working on themselves, who want real love without a myriad of conditions, so that they can enjoy fulfilling relationships somewhere in their lives. Many Thanksgivings and Christmases are planned with the adopted Alanon family members. I notice many are polite to their biological families, but keep them at arms length. The arms-length approach often takes their biological families seven years to accept (ouch! ... but until then, there is often a silent chasm -- the family often steps up the shunnings and insults, the cold hearted replies and rejections, the nitpicking criticisms and on-purpose hurtful acts). No one seems to like a person who is changing. Everyone wants them the way they used to be, even if the way they used to be was a person in an excruciating amount of pain with no voice and very low self esteem. What happened to the quiet malleable one we could mold? What happened to our meek little mouse we could insult if they got out of line? they ask. The sicker family members will insist on malleability, submission, drag-in-the-mud communications and dirty politics no matter what is at stake or for how long. They want the family member who is taking the brunt of all of the abuse to remain silent.

But silence in a situation like this is never golden. Every time the victim goes back to a dysfunctional abusive alcoholic family, it gets worse for them.

Shunnings in dysfunctional alcoholic families are as common as women in third world countries who are brutally raped being shunned by their families and stoned by their villages. It's the western version of it...