UPDATE

I planned to have a post published a couple of weeks ago, and I hope it can be published by the weekend, but there are a number of issues going on in my life. I am just one person who keeps the blog alive for my readers. 

The major work I have done on narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder as it relates to abuse is almost done. I was asked to do a post on "What is the real identity of a narcissist? And how can they go from such kindness to utter cruelty in the blink of an eye? Are they mostly cruel or are they mostly kind? Which is it? What's their real character? And why do they try to hide their cruelty and justify it? Do they really believe their cruelty is justified?" - in large part this question will be answered this weekend (hopefully), but not all of it, but you will be able to see why a lot more clearly. 
     (edit: published on August 31st, actually - later than I thought)

The other ones that I will be publishing (hopefully in quick succession) will be about:

- narcissists and envy and jealousy and what it has to do with abuse

- how shame and rage are intertwined in narcissistic abuse, and even why they discard people, why they can't really hear what you are saying, their propensity to have selective hearing, and why they are so destructive to others especially in self esteem matters when this is going on. This "trait" is pretty exclusive to them, and when you see it, you can't "un-see it". It can help you to make a choice as to how you want to relate to them, whether you want to back off, only see them twice a year at a public place, and so on. I think it is as "stand-out" and as important as their grasping for power and control in most interpersonal relationships. Most of us know that abuse is about power and control - that aspect of abuse has been talked about the most, and drilled into the public consciousness for at least three decades. But there is another aspect to their rage besides power and control and it is as important as the power and control issue, something absolutely imperative to look out for, and why it can be a marker and a warning sign for safety issues, for how much further to proceed, why it is such a big deal for them and not for us, and why they would take such big chances at destroying relationships over it. The first post I'll be publishing on "what kind of identity do narcissists have?" is a precursor to the shame/rage post. Without that one, it's hard to understand this topic.  

For these two posts, the writing is done except for some touch-ups. 

I also did a recent update on THIS POST about trauma and illness. Check that out.

Some shorter posts are in the works too, and are well known to this condition (however, I'll be interspersing them more with other topics that have more to do with trauma research and Borderline Personality Disorder as it relates to the topic of abuse). Some of the other posts in the works on narcissism include: 

- hoovering and sometimes stalking

- a much deeper dive into the narcissist's typical way of dealing with chronic or serious interpersonal problems (idealize, devalue, discard) often accompanied by either the silent treatment or hoovering, and how it relates to common trauma responses in the people that are dealing with this - it might be saved for when I begin the trauma section of this blog since they are so often linked.
  
- Narcissist's "superiority complex" - do they have reasons for this other than wanting power and control over others? Is persuading you that they are superior about trying to make you feel that you are hierarchically much lower than they are, even if you don't want to be in the hierarchy game and could care less about this narcissistic competition of theirs? Or is it about trying to get you to accept that they are the authority on subjects and issues and that you are not? Or is it about about feeding their ego? Sort of all of these things, but it is not really looking into the core of the matter. It actually has a lot more to do with "what kind of identity and character do most narcissists have?", the post-to-be-published next. But underneath it all, do they really feel like this "big know-it-all", bigger-than-life, bigger-than-thou, super confident, super-man or super-woman person most of the time? Hint: not so much, and especially for covert narcissists, and especially since this grandiosity fails them in big ways especially when they are older than 30 or so. They can't stand to admit it because then "the power and control agenda" is compromised and can be disputed, at least in their eyes, and most feel they can't have that questioned (most narcissists feel that power and control over others is imperative to their well being).

     The issue, really, has more to do with why they prefer superseding "who they really are" with this constant barrage of aggressive persuasion-oriented "I-know-the-answer talk" instead. In other words, "the superiority complex" is really a defense mechanism so much of the time.

- broken relationships, estrangements, divorces, affairs - most of this has to do with power and control demands, shame-rage issues, triangulation, lack of empathy, and the fact that most people don't know how to relate to the narcissist's tactics beyond trauma responses where non-narcissists are called upon to give up all of their personal power (autonomous decision-making) and boundaries and so much more of themselves ... which is to say that most people get trauma symptoms when they are in close personal relationships with narcissists. There are a few who don't get trauma symptoms, some who get mild trauma symptoms, and some who get full blown PTSD, and I'll be discussing that too.

- Why narcissists spiral down in terms of morals and ethics when they are challenged, or feel they have to "win something", or after they traumatize others (note: it is not always for sadistic reasons, although in some of them it is exactly for those reasons - these would be your malignant narcissists). Most of them don't really have any morals and ethics to begin with beyond what they find serves them (and where they make sure the ethics and morals are different for them than they are for you), but they also don't have many ethics and morals because of their childhood background too. You'll see why.

- the isolation tactic (trying to isolate you from others - it's partly why they gaslight, and it is why they triangulate to some degree, and it is used as punishment against you too) ... even so, they use it on just about everyone in their close personal relationships as an extremely "flawed" insurance policy to keep from being abandoned, to keep from losing power, and to keep you in the role that they have assigned to you. It doesn't garner the results they want all that well, and once they try to use it in the punishment stage, it is really quite in-effectual (unless they are keeping you under lock and key, but then it's not just an isolation tactic any more that we are talking about). You will understand why it is more masochistic than rewarding for the narcissist. So, if you feel like they are trying to control relationships, and who says what to whom, and they are trying to dominate conversations that you are having with others, or when they tell others what you feel and think, they have an agenda to keep you from forming deep attachments to others - usually. And you definitely see it when they are at the "smear campaign stage."
     It explains a lot of why, in narcissistic families, siblings are not close, or when children feel that their extended family has been told something they are not aware of because the family is not as welcoming and friendly as, say, the friends, teachers, neighbors, most other grown-ups, or your other side of the family. In the more extreme cases trying to isolate you is why narcissists threaten false imprisonment or go through with false imprisonment, why they constantly threaten abandonments too, and why they try to infantilize and parentify you and expect you to follow orders (i.e. micro-manage what you do and what you say to others), and it even has quite a bit to do with stalking, home invasion, the suspicious behavior they show, keeping track of your whereabouts including who you are seeing, what you are talking about with those people, and way too much interrogating, and more. This is an important one to understand too, but it may be published some time after I talk about Borderline Personality Disorder just so that you can see the difference between the two in this regard. 
    This is to say that one sub-type of borderline can make attempts to isolate you too (but in a different way and for somewhat different reasons), and your reactions to being isolated are treated differently by them too. 
     It is also to say that attempts to isolate don't always mean they are a narcissist. 
     In fact, sociopaths and psychopaths (the antisocial personality disordered) also isolate those people they are in close personal relationships with and can be much more dangerous about it than borderlines and narcissists.

- Tit-for-tat parenting. Quite the topic, isn't it? This has a lot to do with mirroring, but not in a love-bomb-y style, but in a revenge style. Both are very similar. It can, and does, create some fall from grace for the narcissistic parent, and cause others to sometimes say, "Who is the parent here? They are acting like a child!" Exactly. But this isn't one I'll publish any time soon, as it is not integral to the discussion on narcissism, and in order to get a better picture on abuse and trauma subjects in general, posts like this need to be sand-bagged for awhile. 

But all of these posts-in-the-works give you a very shortened version of what is happening with the rest of these narcissistic traits.  

Hopefully I can get to the goal I set before of introducing more trauma-related subjects and Borderline Personality Disorder research this fall. Maybe some posts on alcoholism can be part of the picture too. And of course, I have some posts to share on current events that are done, but can't be understood entirely without the ones on identity, shame-rage, and jealousy as it relates to narcissism. 

Thank you to the many readers who keep coming back. 

Lise