This post is mainly written for teachers who are mandated reporters.
Note: I am a certified teacher and a mandated reporter who decided to research and study subjects on abuse.
To get to the subject ...
If you are a teacher, you are probably not going to find out who is a favored child by talking to a favorite child. Favorite children usually do not boast that they are a favorite. Some of the reasons for this is the following:
* "You're a Mommy's boy!" from jeering, teasing peers
* resentment from siblings
* shock and dismay from teachers
* disapproval of the favoritism by other parents
* Parents who favor a child often deny that they do.
In terms of abusive parents who use favoritism to hurt one or some of their children, it is often perpetrated by parents who display personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (the Cluster B personality disorders). Abuse can also be perspetrated by people with Cluster C personality disorders (dependent, abvoidant and obsessive compulsive).
Since the Cluster B personality disordered perpetrate abuse more than those with Cluster C personality disorders, and because my blog is more focused on the Cluster B personality disorders, I will be referencing the Cluster B personality disorders for this particular post.
Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex disorder as there are four types of it, and one type can differ quite a bit from other types. One type can display abusive behaviors and another type can primarily express suicidal thoughts or behaviors, loner status, isolation, PTSD and depression to the point where they are too disabled to work or study. If you're not studied up on the four types, you may assume that all Borderlines are abusive if you know of a Borderline who is abusive. Or you might deny that Borderlines are abusive at all if you know of a Borderline who is suicidal and doesn't interact with many, if any, people, let alone partake in abusing them.
To complicate matters Borderline Personality Disorder is often comorbid with other disorders. It can be comorbid with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, ADHD, Autism, PTSD, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety Disorder (very prevalent), Separation Anxiety Disorder (also very prevalent), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which can have many physical effects on the body and be painful, leading in Borderlines to feelings of hopelessness and self destruction), clinical depression (highly prevalent), suicidality (highly prevalent), eating disorders (also highly prevalent), and addiction (also highly prevalent).
Because comorbidities are so highly prevalent among Borderlines, it makes it difficult to talk about them in terms of if they abuse, and how they abuse. A borderline with a comorbidity with Antisocial Personality Disorder is going to act quite differently than a Borderline with hopelessness, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and suicide ideation.
There is nothing simple about talking about Borderline Personality Disorder in terms of how they abuse children (if they abuse them at all), as they can have comorbidities with the more unempathetic and violent types of Cluster B personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder, or have no comorbidities with these disorders at all and can show deep empathy for others.
Most Borderlines have empathy, so that distinguishes them from the other Cluster B personality disorders who don't. Their brain scans tend to be a little different than the other Cluster B personality types also and tend to have more in common with people with PTSD than the other Cluster B personality disorders.
If I had to take a simplistic approach to how Borderlines abuse children, for those who do abuse, the simplistic take on it is that they tend to reactively abuse and primarily stick to emotional abuse.
Some of them can abuse if someone disagrees with them, or if they feel they are in danger of being abandoned. However, people whom they believe are close to them and disagreeing with them can someimes be seen by them as abandoning them. In other words, Borderlines can become easily triggered and afraid by "the possibilities"of abandonment in interactions with others.
Do people with Borderline Personality Disorder show favoritism of children? Definitely yes, but again, this does not apply to all Borderlines.
However, the more likely personality disorder to show favoritism are those people Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And they tend to show it blatantly and do it cruelly. For them it is often a manipulative scheme, with a single-minded ambition for power, control and domination and narcissistic supply. Favoritism also tends to be transactional. They also tend to hurt disfavored children intentionally. In other words favoritism can come with a lot of abuse (not just from the parent, but the favorite sibling can partake in it too).
As for the other Cluster B personality disorders, there is no research that indicates Antisocial Personality Disordered individuals have "favorites" beyond extortion, and for the Histrionic Personality Disordered folks, they are generally too inconsistent to have a consistent favorite child.
If some of these personality disorders are comorbid with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is common (another link) then it is more likely.
For the sake of awareness, it is good for any teacher to know the traits associated with the Cluster B Personality disorders, particularly from the DSM-5:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Antisocial Personality Disorder
Note: the statistics for people with Cluster B personality disorders in the general population only counts those who have been clinically diagnosed and reported, and since many people with these personality disorders do not seek help from mental health professionals, the numbers are probably much higher. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, an expert psychologist on narcissism, said that as many as 1 in 6 people in the United States could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder in one of her videos (meant to include narcissists who do not go to therapy and therefor never get diagnosed - this seems more accurate to me too than the 1 - 3 percent generally stated in textbooks).
Anyway, to get back on-topic:
Since it is doubtful we teachers will ever learn of favoritism from a "favorite child" or a parent "who is favoring a specific child", we may learn about it from the child who is dis-favored and coming to us with complaints about it.
Because I know that favoritism can come with abuse, and often does, I tended to take children who complained about favoritism seriously. Someimes it turned out to be a one-time situation, or did not warrant drastic action, but in general, I thought that issues of favoritism deserved constant vigilence and oversight to make sure the child was not being abused.
But anyone could see how favoritism could be a set-up for abuse to happen. The favorite can get special privileges while the disfavored does not. The favorite can get to go on special trips with Mom or Dad, while the disfavored is told to stay home.
And then it has a way of escalating from there unless the parent has a conscience and stops it: the favorite is constantly praised, while the dis-favored becomes the child who is constantly criticized. When one child is praised most of the time, and the disfavored child is enduring criticism most of the time, it's more or less when the abuse of the disfavored child begins. Since abuse almost always tends to escalate rather than de-escalate, I believe it is important to watch out for this first sign.
How I tended to deal with "the favoritism issue" as a teacher:
I often tried to dig deeper to find out how the favoritism was being manifested. Was the favorite getting more resources while the child standing in front of me got less? Was the favorite getting more affection while the child talking to me got little or none? Was the favorite getting away with punching the child standing in front of me? Scratches? Verbal abuses? Were they called crazy at all? How many times? Were they singled out to be by themselves while the favorite was invited to be part of family activities? Were their feelings being ignored while the favorite's feelings were always taken into consideration? Were they blamed for what others did (DARVO'd)?
Then I got into the physical abuse specifics. How were they touched by others in their family? I tried to dig deep if they were revealing any aggressive forms of touching (like punching, grabbing, scratching, biting, etc).
How much were they blamed for things they didn't do, that the parent or a sibling did instead? How much were they made to take responsibility for what others do? Were they accused of having traits that the accuser(s) had (as this might show projection on the perpetrator's part,which is often an indication of Cluster B personality disorders)?
If I felt it warranted a report to Child Protective Services, that is what I did.
This is to say that a child talking about the favoritism of a sibling rang the first alarm bells for me as to whether they were being abused in their family of origin or not (and most of the children who talked about favoritism of a sibling largely were).
Usually when there is favoritism of a sibling, there is a scapegoat in the family too. I am providing some articles and links below that address that issue, as well as two Google AI articles (where you can access other articles on the subject through the articles).
The other thing I noticed about child scapegoats being abused is that when answering questions, they were emotional and appeared exhausted when giving the answers.
If they got into a "I can't tell" phase with their answers, I tried to find a backdoor way of getting an answer. For instance, if I asked whether they were punched, they might tell me that they can't say, or that they don't want to talk about it, so I'd let it go, but then as I gained their trust, the backdoor way I got an answer was to ask, "If you get punched by someone, how do react?" ... "How do you protect yourself?" ... "How do you make plans to keep safe?" ...
Then that might lead to other questions such as: "How do you think this problem can be solved, or do you think there is no way to solve it?" ... "Has any grownup ever defended you?" ... "Does any grown up listen to your concerns and what do they do after you have told them that you feel hurt by their actions?" ... "Has your sibling always been a favorite, or does it pass around to you sometimes? And are you treated better during those times, or does it just seem like you are the favorite because your parent is trying to punish your sibling?" .... "Does the favoritism go back to the prior favorite sibling when they do what your parent wants?" ... "Do you feel seen or heard, or do you feel invisible?" ... "What do your parents punish you for?" Note: if it's something like a look on their face, their tone of voice, accusing them of feeling or thinking in certain ways, or accusing them of evil plans to hurt others - that is a huge red flag! I would not ignore this, because so often it is "perpetrator fantasy", an excuse to abuse - perpetrators who have fantasies about what their victims are feeling and thinking escalate abuse very rapidly - they are more prone to act out abuse fantasies that bring them "sadistic pleasure" than other types of abusers too (it's in the link) - and since teachers are usually mandated reporters (with not enough training, in my opinion, or enough workshops in up-to-date research), it is really, really important to know what children are being punished for and whether it resembles anything like this.
And finally I would ask: "Does your parent ever apologize for the hurt they have caused you? And how long does that apology last in your opinion?" and "Does your sibling ever apologize for the hurt they caused you and how long does that apology last in your opinion?"
These are just some of the questions I asked when teaching kids who let me know in some way that there was trouble at home. When younger children are acting out, I think it is important to get to the bottom of "why". Some will say, "I'm just a bad kid." Or "I'm just crazy" or "I'm going to try hard not to act that way. Can I go now?" I don't think any of these are good enough answers in the least bit. They may have been taught to think that way about themseves or to say that. So questioning gets to the bottom of what is truly ailing them, and how they think about things.
"I care about how you feel and think about things" sometimes works wonders ... I often got sheepish or teary smiles when saying that. If you find out they are abused, probably very few people are caring what they think or feel.
I usually pointed out good qualities that I saw in them too, even if they had the reputation of being "a bad kid".
I think that if you focus on the good qualities of children, that gives them a future incentive and the beginning thought processes to focus on those qualities. The more you focus on those qualities, the more they will too.
If they were teenagers, I focused on their potential, their talents, their intelligence, and suggested activities that they might be interested in, and if they showed a lot of interest in something, I might mention a few careers, although I left a lot of that to guidance counselors as that is their specialty. However, the one thing about a teacher starting the conversation about careers, it shows that you have confidence in them, that they can "make it" in those careers. That kind of focus can continue to help them to think of the future instead of the present ("life as an adult").
Abused children and teenagers often think of themselves as losers, that they can't do anything right. Many of them are taught that they are inept - abuse is primarily a power and control issue, and if a parent or caretaker can convince a child that they are inept, it gives the parent or caretaker greater control to make life-long decisions for the child.
Obsessing over gaining more power and control is a "hallmark narcissistic trait" which often carries other issues like lack of empathy for their child, being antagonistically inclined, and a parent can blame shift on to a child when they exhibit unethical beaviors as a way to avoid their own accountability, and a host of other issues that can lead them to abuse their child (called narcissistic abuse, although narcissistic abuse usually escalates to other forms of abuse).
Many people who seek more and more power and control, and put that agenda first in their lives, treat their children in such a way that will damage or break their child's self esteem, especially if the child is put in a scapegoat role.
Children often feel helpless, inept and hopeless to change their self esteem because part of being in a scapegoat role is that they are criticized a lot for what they don't do (unfairly blamed). They can often feel there is no way out of the constant unfair blaming and shaming, and no action to take to change the trajectory of their parent's bad opinions of them.
But if you have the time as a teacher to teach them something different about themselves, then that can be an impetus for them to think they are more special and valuable to others than they hitherto believed, rather than only valuable for the sake of a sunken self esteem in their families.
I will say it is an uphill battle to get them from sinking again and again into a lousy self esteem, especially if they are going home every night just to have it bashed up again, but I will say that I felt I had some success, as a teacher in building some of it back up, especially if I kept reminding them of their best qualities.
Granted it worked better for younger children than for teenagers, but teenagers still have the ability to dream, to perk up when feeling valued, to imagine a life of being accepted, to feel they have something to offer than just a walking-on-eggshells, repressed, and silenced persona with no traits other than what other people give them in a hounding or bullying way.
The other thing you get by continuing to focus on their better qualities is a better behaved child because they aren't as likely to get attention and reactions by "being bad".
A good paying career and better self esteem can also be a way not to "have to put up with" abuse and low self esteem entrapments, and teenagers are aware of this, at least on some level.
Again, their focus on the abuse at home hijacks their mind to think only in the present: how to deal with the abuse, how to defend themselves, how to get away from the abuse, how the abuse is making them feel "hunted down", how the abuse is continuing to make them feel in general (or destroy them - a lot of abused teenagers feel hollowed out).
A lot of abused children also feel they are being treated as though they are much younger than their age. In other words, they are treated as though they are seven when they are seventeen.
When you focus on the fact that they'll be adults in xx amount of years and that skills will help them to survive as an adult, it challenges them to look at themselves as 17 again, rather than as a child (it's an ingognito way of saying "You aren't seven any more, and I'm not treating you like you are seven).
During school hours, they can start to imagine a future without emotional abuse, where they are in charge of their own lives, interests and ambitions if they are not too gripped with fear about what they will encounter at home.
If they felt competitive with the "favored sibling", I usually asked questions like this (mainly to teenagers): "Do you think your parents or a sibling set up a competition between you? Or is it something you actually and honestly feel is being generated in yourself?" I find that abused children really do not feel competitive, unless they feel they have a chance at some sort of advantage, and most of them don't. Possibly because the scapegoat role is a role which basically makes this clear: "You're the lowest on the hierarchy and I'm going to make sure you you stay there."
There are children that are so abused they don't even know that they are being set up to compete, who try to mediate and compromise a way forward instead so that both people are happy with the outcome.
If they are from a narcissistic family, that just won't work.
If these teenagers did feel competition with a sibling, I told them that it could end by focusing on their own positive traits, talents, etc., and that it could be more of a choice of theirs on whether or what to compete about, or whether to distance themselves from the sibling. And guess what? When given that choice, most abused children prefer not to compete, and to distance instead.
In fact, with teenagers in particular, I was focused on their adulthood a lot, and the temporariness of the teenage years. "You'll be out of here in two years, right? What skills would you like to acquire before leaving here so you can live your best life?" - I doubt that highly emotionally abused teenagers are asked these kinds of questions in their families, or even think about these questions. Again, their minds are hijacked with: "How do I keep safe? How do I get them to stop? What do I need to do to keep from being abused? How can I talk about the abuse without the abuse getting worse? I just wish they'd stop already."
Unfortunately, abuse escalates (usually no matter what).
I would like better emotional abuse laws in the USA, but for the meantime, we teachers only have present laws to work with.
Granted, school psychologists can make a big impact and should be part of any of these types of conversations, but since the USA has such poor emotional abuse laws, emotionalabuse can go unaddressed aside from what schools can do to open up possibilities of a better future.
However, since abuse escalates, it's best to keep an eye on students who are emotionally abused, knowing that escalation is probably going to be going up. Once any physical abuse by siblings or parents start, then Child Protective Services will step in and give the family ultimatums, or take the child out of the home. Usually. So much depends on the state, the jurisdiction and the type of abuse taking place.
At any rate, before Child Protective Services can do anything (because of being hand-tied by present laws about emotional/psychlogical abuse even though emotional/psychological abuse is incredibly damaging and can have the longest long term effects), I felt duty-bound to help students who had the attitude of "I'm being told I'm nothing, so I guess I have no future." What a terrible thing to carry around in a place of learning skills, and a waste of human potential!
I think it is up to teachers that students see their potential and for students to reach goals they've set to be a highly functioning adult.
Children should not be groomed to have a horrible self esteem, but tell that to any abuser. They don't care. Shame is what they prefer to dish out instead, and shame is what they will continue with.
The best way for children to flourish and have a life that is meaningful, fulfilling, ethical and healthy is for them not to be abused.
How to tell if a child is being scapegoated in their family
Abused scapegoat children often complain about favoritism of a sibling by a parent
Scapegoats often feel like they can't talk
Scapegoats often feel like they can't talk about the abuse they endure for fear of repurcussions
Scapegoats often feel they have to be silent about their pain
A radical drop in school grades is an indicator a child may be abused
Abused children often talk about the fact that they can't sleep
Abused childen often complain about stomach aches
Abused children often complain about headaches
Abused children often have a drastic change in weight
Abused children often complain about not feeling well
Abused children often seem distracted and confused
Abused children often appear as though they have learning disabilities
Abused children often cry easily
Abused children are often called crazy by their family
Abused children are often referred to as liars by their family
Abused children are often referred to as "too sensitive" by family members
Abused children often complain they are lonely
Abused children often complain they are being isolated from the family
Abused children can complain about neglect
Abused children may appear older than their age
Abused children cry more easily when they see pain in others
Abused children can suffer from a lack of identity
Abused children often show creative aptitude
A child who is crying from trauma is not the same as normal crying. How to tell the difference.
Abusive parents often lack empathy
What are the signs of emotionally immature parents?
Can child abuse happen more easily with emotionally immature parents?
Do a lot of immature parents have attachment trauma? Yes.
How to deal with emotionally immature parents - as a teacher
Dealing with difficult parents - for teachers
Dealing with a student's revelations about emotional or verbal abuse - for teachers
Dealing with a student's revelations about child abuse - for teachers
Six tips for teachers who see emotional abuse
Approximately 11 - 33% of girls are sexually abused before the age of 18.
Approximately one in six boys is sexually abused before the age of 16.
Approximately one in four children experiences some form of abuse or neglect over their lifetime
Infants and young children are at the highest risk for maltreatment and have the highest fatality rates from abuse
Fatal child abuse warnings
Article on: "Usually when there is favoritism of a child in a famly, there is also a scapegoat child too" - from Google AI copied in dark red (as of Nov. 2025; go through the link for present updates and articles):
Hours after I posted the article above, I was given this new AI article, so it is good to go through the link I've provided if you really want more in-depth articles that are not just AI driven. Again, the same link: "Usually when there is scapegoating of a child in a famly, there is also a favorite golden child too" - copied here again in dark red:
