What is New?

WHAT IS NEWEST ON THIS BLOG?
October 20 New Post: When Narcissists Pit Children Against Each Other to Win Their Affection, This is What It is Largely About
September 26 New Post: Dealing with Overwhelming Emotions From Narcissistic Abuse, an Introduction. Comes With a Discussion on Dysregulated Emotions.
August 21 New Post: Things Narcissists Get Wrong About Punishing Their Scapegoat Adult Children. Includes Some Discussion on Medical and Emotional Issues in Both.
August 11 New Post: If people don't want to hear what you have to say, it is normal for you to not want to hear what they have to say either. Comes with a discussion on narcissism
July 30 New Post: Is It Possible that Gen Z and Millennials Having to Work 2 - 3 Jobs Is Contributing to the Nationwide Trend of Estrangement With Parents in the USA?
July 21 New Post: Don't Narcissists Care About Hurting You?
July 14 (edited on 10/18/26) New Post: Reviews of "Narcissistic Rehab", "Narcissistic Detox" and "No More Narcissists" on Facebook
June 23 New Post: How I Came to Forgive the Narcissists in My Life (and it may not be what you think)
June 6 New Post: Why Do Sycophants Feel They Need to Follow Someone Who is So Unethical, Power Hungry, Cruel and Narcissistic? Comes with Personal Stories and a Deep Dive Into the Subject.
May 18 New Post: Family Obligation and the Scapegoat. Do You Owe Your Narcissistic Family Anything?
April 26 New Post: An Update: New Studies on Scapegoats of Narcissistic Families, Wills and Narcissistic Parents, Dissociation, and Some Other Topics of Note
April 6 New Post: Why Scapegoats of Narcissistic Families Are Unlikely To Turn Into Sycophants. Part II.
March 29 New Post: A Domestic Violence Situation and Tale - from a well known Canadian Musician.
March 9 New Post: Why Scapegoats of Narcissistic Families Find It Impossible to Turn Themselves Into Sycophants. Comes with a Discussion on Largely Involuntary Independent Thinking, C-PTSD and Healing.
PERTINENT POST: ** Hurting or Punishing Others to Teach Them a Lesson - Does it Work?
PETITION: the first petition I have seen of its kind: Protection for Victims of Narcissistic Sociopath Abuse (such as the laws the UK has, and is being proposed for the USA): story here and here or sign the actual petition here
Note: After seeing my images on social media unattributed, I find it necessary to post some rules about sharing my images
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Monday, July 13, 2020

Documentary Review: Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich (with a discussion about narcissism and how narcissism effected the victims)

Please note: the story with links and dates continues after the original post:

According to Wikipedia,
"Filthy Rich" is an American web documentary television miniseries about convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The miniseries is based on the 2016 book of the same name by James Patterson, and co-written by John Connolly and Tim Malloy. Filthy Rich was released on May 27, 2020. The four-part documentary features interviews with several survivors including Virginia Giuffre and Maria Farmer, along with former staff members and former police chief Michael Reiter, a key individual from the first criminal case against Epstein.
   Filthy Rich tells a stories of the survivors of Jeffrey Epstein, and how he used his wealth and power to commit these crimes.

In this review, I talk about the impact of narcissism and the trauma from abuse at play in this case, and as usual, I follow the article with reading sources and some videos on the subject. 

Since this criminal case is still unfolding with the arrest of Jeffrey Epstein's alleged Madame, Ghislaine Maxwell, I will be adding to the story as new information emerges. 

Jeffrey Epstein: Filthy Rich is a documentary in four parts, and it is well worth seeing. 

For one, it is a shocking documentary, so shocking, in fact, that a couple of nations around the world are paying attention to it because it portrays the dark underbelly of under-age sex crimes in the USA and abroad and how many prominent leaders in various governments allegedly took advantage of under-age girls. 

Many of the incidences happened before The Child Victims Act, and have followed a trend of investigations into the lives of high profile sex offenders, starting with Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby. With The Child Victims Act and help from the "Me Too" movement, the statute of limitations lengthened so that children-of-the-sex-trade could sue their offenders not just when they were 18, and still a teenager, but much later. The nation started taking the sexual abuse of minors more seriously too after the outcry. 

It also shows that incarcerating sex abuse offenders helps victims to heal (in the way of keeping safe from predators and in the way of keeping safe from the retaliation from predators too, who, as a rule, want to hurt victims for "telling" -- safety is a major part of healing), and keeps the society safe from the ballooning of sexual predator-ships, more victims, and more wealthy men thinking they can side-step laws. It also keeps the nation from normalizing the sexual abuse of minors. 

Because of the media attention, and the public displays of officials sympathizing with the victims, this has a powerful effect on other victims who want to come forward and get some protection, even from men who seem incredibly frightening because they seem so "all powerful" and "all admirable" to so many others around them. 

Being a victim in a crowd of powerful men who pat each other on the back in a love-fest way is a lonely life for that victim. Many victims report that they also feel shamed about being afraid, for being angry at the perpetrators, for being traumatized by what these perpetrators do to them, and for not admiring these men when public opinion says that they should be admiring them for the money they throw around at charities, political parties, liberal causes, education, elaborate pool parties, and vacations for politicians and presidents. The truth of who these men are can make you feel deeply depressed too, because if internationally esteemed men can molest an underage girl and get away with it without being detected, who else can? And it is especially lonely when men like this say things like "Those victims are all liars! I never recall ... I can't fathom ... I never saw her in my life! ... I will have my press secretary handle this ... I would never! ... I could never! ... I believe in liberal causes and don't condone the sexual abuse of minors ... I assumed the kid with braces on her teeth, no make-up and in a unicorn sweatshirt was an adult ... " and so on. 

My own real life experience with abusers is that most of them give to charity and pretend that they are die hard liberals. I think their fake liberalism is there to hide the fact that they are brutal, cruel, dictatorial, black-mailing, do not care how they effect others, do not particularly care about the truth either, and are not particularly upstanding or care about the causes they espouse. They are hypocrites through and through, espousing Women's Rights but being cruel to women, against sexual abuse of minors and sign some negligible bills for victims. They don't stop abuse, or call on men who engage in sex with minors. They especially don't when those men are powerful or wealthy. 

In terms of the perpetrators themselves, they abuse power; they are concerned only with power, and in keeping their image clean to gain more power (thus victim-shaming and throwing a tiny bone now and then to liberal causes which are contrary to how they act), in order that they may keep revolving around and around in powerful circles and getting a pass on suspect agendas. The pats on the back from other elites tell them they are winning this game (abusers love flattery as it keeps them going with their lies and abominable behavior with comfort and ease). 

Which is to say if you are an underground investigator, keep flattering these creeps over and over to get to the dirt on them, something that requires a lot of in-authenticity on your part, but it may be necessary to fight fire with fire for the good of the nation and to keep its population from being victims. Flattery is exactly the thing that takes them off guard. 

Dr. Todd Grande in this video, titled "Jeffrey Epstein Analysis | Was He Murdered? | Mental Health & Personality", states that Jeffrey Epstein displays all of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Dr. Grande does not go further than that except to say that Epstein could be classified as having Ephebophilia in addition to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Because of his sexual exploitation of young women, most of whom were teenagers, and some only 14 at the time that the assaults took place, Epstein easily has traits of the Malignant Narcissist as well. 

But Epstein also gave a lot of money away to charities and he had an almost-commune of co-conspirators, so he could also have a few traits of Communal Narcissism.

What is disturbing about his empire of coercive sex with underage girls, is how normalized it was for his co-conspirators, workers, girlfriend, and even his many visitors. His visitors allegedly included former president Bill Clinton (who has been known for his affair and sex scandal with 22 year old Monica Lewinsky when he was 49 years old, and was allegedly seen on Jeffrey Epstein's island with some of Epstein's victims), president Donald Trump (who allegedly took trips with Epstein a number of times and bragged that Epstein liked beautiful women too, albeit young ones), Prince Andrew who has largely fallen in terms of public opinion for his interview with the BBC concerning one of Epstein's victims, and many other very high profile men. 

So many of these men have denied they had ties to Epstein or were in with Epstein's crowd where workers and victims saw them (they are even in photos). We are used to a culture of lying, cover-ups, false narratives ("I NEVER met this person in my entire life!"), and blame-shifting culpability on to victims in this culture. We are used to ignoring victims and cries for justice, and either ignoring or condoning narcissism and narcissistic tactics.

Epstein allegedly had pin hole spy cameras throughout each room in his residences as well as the grounds which tied into recording equipment in another "secret room", and once bragged he had a lot of dirt on a lot of powerful men. One of the reasons for gathering so much dirt is to use it as blackmail to assure his safety ("get me out of prison or I will spill the beans"). However, this does not always equate to these types of men keeping him safe (it is speculated that Epstein was murdered in prison, a prison he was being kept in before his trial).

This was something I found in Wikidepia about the cameras:

   Epstein installed concealed cameras in numerous places on his properties to allegedly record sexual activity with underage girls by prominent people for criminal purposes, such as blackmail.[81] Ghislaine Maxwell, Epstein's close companion, told a friend that Epstein's private island in the Virgin Islands was completely wired for video and the friend believed that Maxwell and Epstein were videotaping everyone on the island as an insurance policy.[82] When police raided his Palm Beach residence in 2006 two hidden pinhole cameras were discovered in his home.[83] It was also reported that Epstein's mansion in New York was wired extensively with a video surveillance system.[84]
   Maria Farmer, an artist who worked for Epstein in 1996, noted that Epstein showed her a media room in the New York mansion where there were individuals monitoring the pinhole cameras throughout the house. The media room was accessed through a hidden door. She stated that in the media room "there were men sitting here. And I looked on the cameras, and I saw toilet, toilet, bed, bed, toilet, bed." She added that "It was very obvious that they were, like, monitoring private moments."[85]
   Epstein allegedly "lent" girls to powerful people to ingratiate himself with them and also to gain possible blackmail information.[86] According to the Department of Justice, he kept compact discs locked in his safe in his New York mansion with handwritten labels that included the description: "young [name] + [name]".[87] Epstein partially confirmed that he had blackmail material when he told a New York Times reporter in 2018, off the record, that he had dirt on powerful people, including information about their sexual proclivities and recreational drug use.[88]


According to this NBC News article, "New Jeffrey Epstein accuser: He raped me when I was 15 (Jennifer Araoz says she was recruited outside her New York City high school to provide sexual massages to the wealthy financier)" (by Sarah Fitzpatrick, Savannah Guthrie and Rich Schapiro), Jeffrey Epstein's victim, Jennifer Araoz, was raped by Epstein at age 15, and according to Araoz's mother had severe anxiety after the incident:

"I was really scared," the mother said. "She was so anxious but I couldn't figure out why. The anxiety got so bad that she couldn't function and I urged her to go to a doctor."

It furthers the suspicion that Araoz may have PTSD later in the article:

Araoz is now a makeup artist living not far from her childhood home in Queens. She said she's still grappling with the emotional damage of her teenage encounters with Epstein. "He took something from me that can never be repaired, never made whole," Araoz said.

Anyone who has had PTSD knows that this is what it looks like. The anxiety levels go up and in many instances you can't function because anxiety interferes with sleep. Lack of sleep and a hyper-alert state is what you experience when you have PTSD, and in many instances you experience headaches, muscle aches and gastrointestinal issues as well. Having your mind and body in "fight or flight" mode all of the time, racked with muscle aches (the anxiety will create tense muscles), headaches (headaches come from both the anxiety and lack of sleep), stomach issues (stomach issues come from stress, which manifest in different ways: panic meaning you will not be eating much, anxiety manifesting as stomach aches or tense sore muscles in the abdominal area, nausea manifesting when the "flight response" is activated) all add up to a mind/body system which will eventually mean dysfunction.

When you have a lot of dysfunctional victims, you also have a dysfunctional society. Not only are the victims acting in a dysfunctional way, but the perpetrators act in a dysfunctional way by committing crimes, using leisure for nefarious ends and narcissistic pastimes, by frittering away their former contributions to good causes by paying to keep out of jail instead. Instead of charity, the money goes to a money-soaking high powered legal team, the criminal justice system, the guards, and so on. It can waste at least two lives (and in some ways it ends up wasting many, many others because perpetrators want many victims, not just one or two).  

Psychologists know that roughly 88 percent of teenagers who are sexually assaulted or raped, aged 14 - 17, will experience full blown PTSD as a result of these experiences. They are also more likely to be raped than adult women. And it is more likely the trauma will live with them for a long time (sometimes a life time because of the age they were when they experienced the trauma). 

When perpetrators rape children and teenagers, they are not concerned with how it it is effecting their victims short term or long term. Even if you told a perpetrator that abuse can cause PTSD in victims, and that sexual abuse has a high rate of PTSD for its victims, it would probably not matter to them. They also might view it as an insult (which I explain later in this post).

In fact, some of them get sadistic pleasure that their victims may be traumatized for life (kind of like livestock branding, a scar on the body and psyche that may never go away - and especially if the teenagers are virgins which many of them were). The perpetrator can get narcissistic supply from them in terms of having brandished a virgin and had enough influence on her that the effects last for years, decades, or a life time. He is someone who she will never forget, and he will live in her mind, especially in terms of fear. People who behave this way are obviously sick, but this is what happens with a lot of narcissists who don't feel validated or credited enough for their liking: they think they will make a bigger impact by going to the dark side.

The problem becomes: when is the amount of trauma in their victims enough for their perpetrators? The answer is: it is never quite enough for any perpetrator unless they can procure, what they deem, a better source of narcissistic supply while discarding (deeming worthless) their victim, and forgetting about their former victim enough to release them. If they don't have a new supply source, or even very many supply sources, they tend to escalate abuse to such an extent that victims feel there is no place to turn.

The only way for many victims to heal is to get "un-traumatized enough" to protect themselves from further abuse: talking to someone they trust (often hard to find in situations like this, especially the girls taken to the private island), leaving, disappearing from view, calling police, calling a therapist, getting orders of protection, and so on.

That's why the gaslighting maneuver and love bombing (with flattery) is so popular among narcissists. Without it, they cannot convince victims that abuse is "good for them and should be considered as reasonable." In this case, he would have to convince his victims that sex between a man in his 60s and an adolescent who is 15 is so normal that they need to stick around to be rewarded, be willing to serve and to prove they are "good and saintly" girls, i.e. docile and agreeable at all times to command, and to "learn a lesson." Narcissists are all about the arrogance of teaching lessons, and teaching how to do sex was Epstein's self proclaimed "call of duty", allegedly with Maxwell's prompting. Those lessons are usually given to people younger than themselves, and they make those lessons sound benevolent on the surface, but they are almost always traumatizing to their victims and do a great deal of harm.

All of it is the hallmark of the kind of lack of empathy we see in Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and particularly Malignant Narcissism). What is more, because of the sadism (desire to hurt or increase the trauma), the victim predictably reacts by becoming more traumatized, which include mental, emotional and physical symptoms.

When victims of narcissists scream, "Stop! You are hurting me!" narcissists do not stop. Lack of empathy coupled with an insistence of having their desires met is why. When they are malignant narcissists, the sadism will mean they want to increase the pain and abuse, never to lessen it. Malignant narcissists are very vindictive, and sometimes "Stop! You are hurting me!" means that they take it as a criticism of them, their style of dealing with you, their style of teaching you, and their style of controlling you (which they try to teach you is this wonderful superior style compared to how others treat you). What do narcissists do when they feel criticized? They go into a rage and if they have dark triad traits (Antisocial Personality Disorder mixed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder), they often want to punish you more and more and make you pay for criticizing them and for not seeing them as the grandiose, omnipotent, powerful and in the right (authoritarian) kind of people they see themselves as being. So "Stop! You are hurting me!" can, to them, mean you are criticizing them.

So the victimization, abuse and sadism increase. And often the number of victims increase too, depending on their age and the status of their health.

The high majority of rapists and sex offenders have more than one victim, and most have many, many victims.

Not all malignant narcissists are sex offenders, but most malignant narcissists go about in the world as if they are above societal rules, regulations and norms, and feel they have a right to because they feel they are "naturally" endowed with superiority, rights and entitlements that the rest of us do not have. They are "rebellious" but expect their victims to be docile (never to rebel, never "to tell", never to go against what the narcissist wants).

When they get "sweetheart deals" as Epstein did when convicted and sentenced in Florida, these kinds of perpetrators would be even more inclined to believe they are "special", "deserve special treatment", and that they can get away with behavior that the rest of us would be held accountable for.

Predictably, Epstein chose the most vulnerable teenagers to victimize too: children from broken homes, children from poverty, children with low self esteem, and children with alcoholic or substance addicted parents.

I'm not sure what happened to these victims afterward, but many victims of childhood sexual abuse are often picked by other abusers. Abusers like traumatized victims because they count on the vulnerability (seen as "weakness" by them) to use for more perpetration of abuse and control.

This is how a nation becomes narcissistic, oligarchic, uncaring and corrupt too.

On a national level, narcissism starts creeping in when wealthy leaders try to brainwash and pay for the brainwashing of the public: that the people's pain or poverty or lack of protections is their own fault. Blame-shifting is a narcissistic trait. It has also become a national trait and an incredibly common event in political speeches. Almost every sentence uttered these days from people who have the most power in the country has the blame-shifting maneuver in it, and is embedded in new policies, pronouncements, commands, excuses and defenses.

Some people experience constant blame-shifting as confusion and cognitive dissonance.

People who know better or have lived through situations that were abusive, unlawful, or where they were disenfranchised in some manner, find it annoying or downright provoking.

However, for this period of time, narcissism is winning out in terms of the number of cases (the survey often comes from victims being treated for abuse because narcissists do not generally seek treatment for their behavior). It is also winning out in terms of a culture "in love with narcissism" (the money, the power, the girls, even if they are under-aged, the hedonism, the un-accountability, the every-man-for-himself mentality, and the move away from "a polite society" and "investigative journalism").

When we look at people like Jeffrey Epstein and all of the powerful and rich friends he could talk into breaking the law, that is a perfect case of how narcissism is worshiped, over-looked, coddled and hopelessly accepted in the nation. 

In Dr. Todd Grande's video (which I also feature below along with some of the other "characters" involved in this scandal, I transcribed some of his words for the sake of those readers who like to absorb the word without the visual distractions, style of speech (if you are outside the USA), and wondering what word may have been uttered. Here is some of the transcript (when there is "..." it means I left out some information in favor of brevity, and some time signatures are in for the sake of finding them on the video, i.e. (18:30)).

Dr. Todd Grande's words:

... So essentially, Epstein was a con-man who used his ability to manipulate and exploit victims in a number of ways. Epstein had offended against at least 36 different females during his criminal career; the vast majority were underage ...
My note here: some victims who have come forward have said the number of victims was actually over sixty.

... This is a profile of an extremely dangerous offender, someone who has superficial charm, shallow affect, lack of empathy, but is not necessarily impulsive or irresponsible outside the criminal acts ... 
  
... like many primary psychopaths, he didn't start with offending until he was in a situation where the risk was reduced. So for the most part, he waited until he had money and power that could protect him.
   Primary psychopaths make a calculation (risk versus reward) unlike secondary psychopaths. 
   Now, looking at Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there is evidence supporting all nine symptoms, but two really stand out here: fantasies of power and success and wealth. Not only did he have those fantasies, but he was able to realize many of them ... And manipulation: he manipulated just about everyone he came in contact with: victims, co-conspirators, employers, lawyers, and that prosecutor who gave him an incredibly favorable plea deal. 
   So what we really see here is a grandiose narcissist with communal qualities. Epstein donated millions of dollars to charity. (7:54) ...

... Now with the Antisocial Personality Disorder, like many psychopaths, his behavior seemed to align with enough of the criteria for the disorder, for example breaking the law, lying, and a lack of remorse, but not enough to represent a classic case, and there is a mystery of conduct disorder, symptoms present before the age of 15 that's required for Antisocial Personality Disorder. I'm not aware of any evidence that he meets that criteria.
   Now, Epstein was arrogant in a way that made it seem like he really enjoyed getting away with crimes while letting other people know that he was getting away with them. He wanted others to know he had true power, that he didn't have to hide from people or to be afraid of people. Now, of course, he did hide certain activities, but in other ways we see he was actually obvious, like keeping explicit photos on the walls of his Palm Beach mansion and bragging about how he had dirt on powerful people, suggesting that he could never be punished.
   Some criminals get away with crimes because they can convince people that they are nice, polite, and not the type of person who would commit a crime. Epstein did this initially: he did pretend to be a good and helpful person, but that wore off quickly. (9:22) That's that superficial charm, that shallow affect ... he was really about dominating people. He wanted to control witnesses and victims, and to a large extent, he successfully did that. He made people around him dependent on his resources like when he would pay to send his victims to school. 
   Some people became conflicted about Epstein. They certainly didn't want to be victimized, but they also wanted what he could provide. He "made" a difficult choice. He offered something of value, in a sense, to keep his victims quiet. Many of his employees were afraid to accuse him because he could make them suffer, so again, he leveraged power over people in many different ways for a long time. 
   The Epstein case highlights the dangers of allowing narcissists to gain power. 
   His crimes were a full expression of his fantasies. This is what happens when a narcissist has no limits.
   What is a narcissist capable of when they have hundreds of millions of dollars? Epstein's case really answers that question. 
   He perpetrated horrible crimes against scores of victims and would have offended more if he was not arrested ... (18:30)

   ... In the case of Epstein, he illustrates one of those circumstances that can lead to a conspiracy that is maintained over a long period of time. One person with enough power who has access to enough people who can be co-conspirators, can perpetrate a large scale criminal enterprise with immunity, again, at least for a period of time. Just like he knew how to target those that were vulnerable, he knew how to effectively recruit and obtain co-conspirators. 
   This is about one powerful person taking control of other people. And yes, many of those other people committed serious crimes perhaps, but they probably wouldn't have done that without Epstein. He really brought it together. He understood how the personalities worked together, how to keep people quiet, how to keep people productive. He really orchestrated this enterprise that could keep him safe. 

Following are some of the victims (whose stories are well worth reading and show how vulnerable girls from broken or impoverished homes can easily become victims of abuse and crime) followed by some other interesting facts around the case. I end with some videos by Todd Grande:

Virginia Roberts Giuffre - from Wikipedia (reported that she was trafficked by Epstein and Maxwell to Prince Andrew of Great Britain, hedge fund manager Glenn Dubin, attorney Alan Dershowitz, politician Bill Richardson, the late MIT scientist Marvin Minsky, lawyer George J. Mitchell, and MC2 modeling agent Jean-Luc Brunel.
Victims Refuse Silence is Virginia Roberts Giuffre's website.

Maria Farmer - from Wikipedia
excerpt from Jeffrey Epstein's Wikipedia page about what happened to Maria:
The affidavit says that in the summer of the following year, they hired her to work on an art project in billionaire businessman Leslie Wexner's Ohio mansion, where she was then sexually assaulted by both Maxwell and Epstein.[63][64] Farmer reported the incident to the New York Police Department and the FBI.[44] Her affidavit also stated that during the same summer, Epstein flew her then 15-year-old sister, Annie, to his New Mexico property where he and Maxwell molested her on a massage table.[65][66]
Farmer was interviewed for CBS This Morning in November 2019 where she detailed the 1996 assault and alleged that Maxwell had repeatedly threatened both her career and her life after the assault.[67]

Sarah Ransome - from the article by CBS This Morning: "Jeffrey Epstein accuser Sarah Ransome says she wants to face his alleged co-conspirators in court". Another article by The Miami Herald.

Jennifer Araoz - from the article by NBC News: "He Raped Me When I Was 15".

Katlyn Doe, Lisa Doe and Priscilla Doe (anonymous victims) - by Brendan Pierson for Reuters. Also this Rolling Stone article covers these three victims: Three More Women Detail Epstein Abuse Allegations in New Lawsuits (Convicted sex offender accused of forcibly using a sex toy on victim, pressuring another into marrying a non-U.S. citizen) ... also this article from NBC News on these three victims: Jeffrey Epstein preyed on women during jail sentence, forced victim to marry woman, lawsuits allege (Three lawsuits allege a complex web of companies employing "disciples" who saw to it that Epstein's sexual desires were met)

Teresa Helm - from article: Oakwood woman sues Jeffrey Epstein’s estate; accuses him of sexual assault from the Dayton Daily News by Wayne Baker

Teala Davies - Photo shows Jeffrey Epstein with alleged teen victim: "She did not yet realize he had a predatory plan for her" from CBS News

Note: not all victims came forward to reveal their identity. Some pressed charges with the name "Jane Doe". The Virgin Islands pressed charges too. And another Jane Doe pressed charges against both Epstein and Trump. These and other Jane Doe lawsuits are on Jeffrey Epstein's Wikipedia page.

Jeffrey Epstein - Wikipedia





Unpacking Donald Trump's Ties to Jeffrey Epstein, as Shown in Netflix's Filthy Rich (Here's how the president was connected to the late sex offender) - by Gabrielle Bruney for Esquire Magazine







Years later, Epstein's victims discuss the lasting impact of sexual abuse - Miami Herald (You Tube)

Former Teen Model Describes Jeffrey Epstein’s Sex Abuse | TODAY - Today Show (You Tube)

SHOCKING! The Epstein/JonBenét CONNECTION! - Ghislaine Maxwell Has Some EXPLAINING To Do - World Alternative Media (You Tube) - a speculative video about one connection between the Benets and Ghislaine Maxwell

Note: more updates after the post was written after the videos.


"Jeffrey Epstein Analysis | Was He Murdered? | Mental Health & Personality"
by Dr. Todd Grande:

In the video above, Dr. Grande makes the case for why Jeffrey Epstein probably committed suicide even though there are very "fishy circumstances" such as cameras not being on in his cell or around his cell, the broken bone in his neck being typical of a blow to the neck but not a hanging, the fact that his narcissism would be at work to get him another "sweetheart deal", with charges dropped, the fact that he might rely on "his close powerful friends" in a blackmail deal, or a plea deal, and so on.  

He was used to shifting culpability off of himself. He was used to getting away with breaking the law. He was used to enjoying the privilege of sentences which had "no bite". He does not have the profile of someone who would take his own life so early in the game with no trial, and no convictions, and who had dirt on so many people (adding up to a possible plea deal), except for the prior conviction in Florida many years before. 

However, when narcissists do feel there is no way out, they do take their own lives sometimes. But to me, it does not convince in the least because of the reasons I stated above.   

One of the reasons Dr. Grande makes the case for suicide (and it is the only case), is that the door to the suite of cells, which contained Epstein's cell, had a camera, and it was on all night. Grande does not consider that someone (a guard, another prisoner, someone in disguise) who entered that suite of cells could have been paid off to kill Epstein. Also someone could have been brought into an "empty cell" and to "lie in wait" to kill Epstein. And the plan could have even been set days before Epstein's incarceration there. 

In the world of powerful leaders who rule governments of all types, even overseas, they want to keep their image from taking a hit in the media and with the people they serve so that they don't lose power and credibility, so killing Epstein might be at the top of their list. 

I bet it was for one of them.

Some other videos about "the players" in this scandal follow:

"Ghislaine Maxwell Case Analysis | Mental Health & Personality"
by Dr. Todd Grande:

This last video is by Dr. Todd Grande too. He discusses Prince Andrew's interview with the B.B.C. One of Jeffrey Epstein's victims, Virginia Roberts Giuffre, claims she was trafficked to Prince Andrew three different times. One of the most important counter-arguments to Prince Andrew's interview is this issue (using Dr. Grande's words): 

Epstein was a friend he stayed with many times in many places all over the world, but said he didn't know Epstein well.

Hrrrmmmpphh. 
"Prince Andrew BBC Interview Analysis"
by Dr. Todd Grande:

Some of the comments are interesting to read underneath the video:
- "I did not have sexual relations with that island. -Bill Clinton.
Bill, we just asked if you were there. And we asked because we knew you were there."
- "Sorry to burst everyone's bubble, but Clinton and Prince Andrew will never set foot in a court of law, much less a prison cell. Punishment is only for those who can't afford to bribe judges and prosecutors." 
- "Bill Clinton: 'I never had sexual relations with those women'
Also Bill Clinton: I never actually lied because they weren't women at the time."
- "'Virgin Islands' takes on a whole new meaning....."
- "'The United States is a nation of laws, badly written and randomly enforced.'-Frank Zappa."
- "'I wish her well' means 'she's probably about to get suicided for exposing the Elites'" (referring to Trump's comments about wishing Ghislaine Maxwell well after she was arrested)

2021: Epstein’s Final Days: Celebrity Reminiscing and a Running Toilet (Newly released records show the disgraced financier living a mundane existence in jail before his suicide, while also spinning deceptions until the very end.) - by Benjamin Weiser, Matthew Goldstein, Danielle Ivory and Steve Eder for The New York Times

Ghislaine Maxwell Is Found Guilty of Aiding in Epstein’s Sex Abuse - by Benjamin Weiser, Rebecca Davis O’Brien and Colin Moynihan for The New York Times

Ghislaine Maxwell Is Guilty. What Happens Next Is Critical. - by Deborah Tuerkheimer for The New York Times (Ms. Tuerkheimer is a professor of law at Northwestern University and the author of “Credible: Why We Doubt Accusers and Protect Abusers.”)
excerpt:
     Ms. Maxwell’s conviction demonstrates that prosecutors can, in extreme cases, hold those who enable abusers criminally liable.
     But we should not be blind to the myriad ways of enabling that do not rise to the level of a crime. They are the ordinary acts of ordinary people that, however intentioned, combine to protect abusers — particularly men with status, wealth and privilege...
     ... One reason prosecutions like Ms. Maxwell’s are so unusual and so difficult is that the law forbids only the most extreme enabling behaviors. Although criminal statutes vary, absent a specific legal duty to act, people are generally not held responsible for omissions that cause harm. But when a person’s purposeful assistance is integral to another’s abuse, the outcome may be different, as it was for Ms. Maxwell. Under such narrow circumstances, criminal prosecution can play a part in dismantling a culture that protects abusers.
     By the accusers’ accounts, Ms. Maxwell didn’t just passively enable Mr. Epstein’s abuse; she facilitated it. This depiction was the essence of the government’s case ...

Ghislaine Maxwell was ‘a sophisticated predator,’ a prosecutor says. (As closing arguments started, a prosecutor, Alison Moe, said she would give eight reasons the jurors should find Ms. Maxwell guilty of sex-trafficking and conspiracy charges.) - by Colin Moynihan and Rebecca Davis O’Brien for The New York Times
excerpt:
     Ms. Maxwell identified and selected the victim: girls from troubled households, Ms. Moe said. Then she and Mr. Epstein gained access to the victim, inviting the girls over to their luxurious homes, without their parents or other adults. “They were isolating these girls for a reason,” Ms. Moe said.
     Ms. Maxwell and Mr. Epstein “made these girls feel special,” Ms. Moe said. They offered to pay for one victim’s voice lessons and paid for another’s trip to Thailand. “They were building trust for what was going to come next,” the prosecutor said
     Then, Ms. Moe said, “Maxwell helped Epstein normalize sexual encounters” — through foot massages, sexualized contact, topless lounging by the pool. “It escalated with sexualized massages,” she said.

A video by Dr. Ramani Durvasula on Ghislaine Maxwell's case (Jeffrey Epstein's enabler and co-conspirator) - You Tube video entitled "The fallout from Ghislaine Maxwell: A case study about narcissism"

Epstein’s Black Book REVEALED: Chris Rock, Richard Branson, OTHERS Associated With Criminal - The Hill (2023)

Here’s what we learned – and didn’t learn – from the Jeffrey Epstein unsealed documents - by Samantha Delouya and Lauren del Valle for CNN (2024)

Dozens more Jeffrey Epstein documents are now public. Here’s what we know so far - by David B. Caruso for AP News (2024)

The Epstein List: Full list of names revealed in unsealed court records so far (Prince Andrew, David Copperfield and Bill Clinton are among the names included in court documents) - by  Alex Ross and Io Dodds for Independent, UK (2024)

She accused Jeffrey Epstein and his co-conspirator, Ghislaine Maxwell, of recruiting her to join their predatory ring and sued Prince Andrew for sexual assault. - by Sam Roberts for The New York Times (2025)


With Epstein conspiracy theories, Trump faces a crisis of his own making - by Ali Swenson and Nicholas Riccardi of AP News (2025)

WATCH: Asked if his name appears in Epstein files, Trump claims Comey, Obama and Biden made them up - PBS News Hour (2025) 

Why We Want to See the Epstein Files
All of us can agree that we want wrongs to be righted and evil to be avenged.
- by Russell Moore for Christianity Today (2025)



In a lengthy Truth Social post, Trump called supporters "weaklings" for pushing the Justice Department to release more files related to Jeffrey Epstein. - by Megan Lebowitz for NBC News  (2025)

Feds Drop Bombshell New Video of Jeffrey Epstein - Law and Crime Network  (Youtube)
note: this video features an interview with Jeffrey Epstein's brother and mainly discusses the suspicions around Jeffery Epstein's, the coroner's report, the unusual way he died. (2025)

DOJ to Ghislaine Maxwell: Epstein Deal Won't Save You - Law and Crime Network  (You Tube) (2025) 

How Trump’s Own Conspiracy Machine Is Now Turning on Him | Explainer - by Heather Cox  Richardson (You Tube) on the Jeffrey Epstein case and why it makes a difference with the MAGA base. note: Heather Cox Richardson is a historian. (2025)

7 Bizarre Details of Epstein Accuser's Shocking Death - Law and Crime Network  (You Tube) (2025)

Trump Attempts to Kill a Conspiracy Theory That Boosted Him | 'Epstein Files' Controversy Analysis - Dr. Todd Grande (psychologist) - You Tube Channel (2025)

We Need to Talk About Jeffrey Epstein - by Adam Schiff (United States Senator for California California) for his own You Tube channel (2025)

Donald Trump was friendly for at least 15 years with Jeffrey Epstein, the multimillionaire financier and convicted sex offender who died in prison in 2019.  - by Luke Broadwater for The New York Times (2025)

Why Trump Can’t Shake Jeffrey Epstein - Ezra Klein Show and interview, The New York Times (2025)
excerpt:
     MAGA has a cosmology, a mythology: There is a corrupt elite — in the most extreme forms, it’s a corrupt, pedophilic elite — and that elite controls everything. And Donald Trump as a person, and MAGA as a movement, are justified in doing anything necessary to break that elite’s control and return this country to the people.
     There is a problem that movements like this face when they take power: What happens when the conspiracy isn’t there? What happens when you declassify the files and there’s nothing in them? What happens if you read the files and you realize there is some reason you can’t release them? What happens when you are the system? When you become the corrupt elite?
     Because here’s the thing: Donald Trump is a corrupt elite. He is now, and he always has been, selling out the people who believe in him.
     Liberals always want to make this point in the framework we have of the world. Here’s my version of it: Trump is a champion of people who are heavily dependent on Medicaid and SNAP. He just absolutely betrayed them. He cut about a trillion dollars of Medicaid and food assistance to finance tax cuts for him and his rich friends. He did that while denying he was cutting Medicaid — lying to the people who believed in him.
     In my framework of the world, that is corruption. That is what the worst elites do when they get power.
     But that’s not how the cosmology of MAGA works. His hardest core supporters knew what the problem was, and it wasn’t in the tax code or the safety net. For them, the problem was a conspiracy that reached to the highest levels of American government.
     Then Trump appointed people like Kash Patel and Dan Bongino to office — people who had been spreading and giving attention to these theories for years. By elevating Patel and Bongino, the message was: Trump knew what the problem was, too. And he was going to fix it.
     And then he didn’t. And now he’s lashing out at his own supporters for believing a story that he, and the people around him, were perfectly happy to promote when it served their interests.

The reporter who took down Jeffrey Epstein on what’s still hidden. - Ross Douthut interviewing crime reporter Julie K. Brown for The New York Times (2025)

Why Trump Can’t Make the Epstein Story Go Away
His brainwashing powers are finite. - by Jonathan Chait for The Atlantic  (2025)

Aides kept suggesting things to do. Trump kept saying no. - by Ashley Parker and Jonathan Lemire for The Atlantic (2025)

Sorry, This Epstein Stuff Isn’t Going to Hurt Trump - by Matthew Walther for The New York Times

What happens if Trump DOCTORS the Epstein files? - Bryan Taylor Cohen interviews attorney Marc Elias for Bryan Taylor Cohen You Tube Channel (2025)

For nearly 15 years, the two men socialized together in Manhattan and Palm Beach, Fla., before a falling out that preceded Mr. Epstein’s first arrest. - by Alan Feuer and Matthew Goldstein for The New York Times (2025)

President Trump, asked whether he would consider pardoning her, said, “I’m allowed to do it, but it’s something I haven’t thought about.” - by Glenn Thrush and Valerie Crowder for The New York Times (2025)

The long history of the right’s obsession with child trafficking means it won’t be easy for Trump to make this story disappear. - by Jia Lynn Yang for The New York Times (2025)

I Covered the Epstein Case for Decades. These Are 9 Questions We Actually Need Answered. - essay piece by  Barry Levine (Mr. Levine is the author of “The Spider: Inside the Criminal Web of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.” He began reporting on Mr. Epstein in the mid-2000s. The New York Times (2025)

A conspiracy wrapped in a conspiracy theory wrapped in an enigma - by Alexandra Petri for The New York Times (2025)

How Much Has the Epstein Case Hurt Trump? Polls Provide Some Answers. - by Kristen Soltis Anderson for The New York Times (Opinion Piece, 2025)

The siblings of one of Jeffrey Epstein’s most prominent accusers wonder what the president knows. - by Sarah Fitzpatrick for The Atlantic (2025)

In his seven-story townhouse, the sex offender hosted the elite, displayed photos with presidents and showcased a first edition of “Lolita,” according to previously unreported photos and letters. - by David Enrich, Matthew Goldstein, Jessica Silver-Greenberg and Steve Eder for The New York Times (2025)

The disgraced financier’s former companion said disclosure would harm her legal rights. “Jeffrey Epstein is dead,” her lawyers wrote. “Ghislaine Maxwell is not.” - by by Benjamin Weiser for The New York Times (2025)

The committee’s Republican chairman requested that the documents from the Justice Department and former government officials be delivered by Aug. 19. - by Michael Gold for The New York Times (2025)

The search continues in the documents for ironclad criminal conduct, but the story of a sexual predator given a free ride by the ruling class has already emerged. - by Robert Draper for The New York Times (2026)

Here’s who has resigned, is being investigated or has faced some other repercussion. - by Karen Yourish and Lazaro Gamio for The New York Times (2026)

Two dozen journalists. A pile of pages that would reach the top of the Empire State Building. And an effort to find the next revelation in a sprawling case. - by Interview by Patrick HealyWith Steve EderAndrew ChavezKirsten Danis and Dylan Freedman for The New York Times (2026)

King Charles III said he supported a “full, fair and proper process” regarding the investigation of his brother Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, adding that he backed the authorities involved. - Megan Specia and Michael D. Shear (reporting from London) for The New York Times (2026)

Jeffrey Epstein Hoped to Seed Human Race With His DNA - by James B. Stewart Matthew Goldstein and Jessica Silver-Greenberg for The New York Times (2026)

New Mexico probes allegation of bodies buried near Epstein ranch - by Andrew Hay for Reuters (2026) 

New Investigation Launched into Epstein’s 7,600-Acre Zorro Ranch. Here’s What We Know - by Rebecca Schneid for Time (2026)

Bodies Buried on Epstein’s Ranch? - Law & Crime Network (grabbed from YouTube)









 

Wednesday, July 1, 2020

Why You Should Not Force Children to Apologize (also discusses forced apologies in abusive narcissistic families)

Note: this is part of a series:
2. This post: Why You Should Not Force Children to Apologize (also discusses forced apologies in abusive narcissistic families)
more posts to follow 

Since this blog is about abuse, I will be talking about the difference between the healthy "prodding" of children to be empathetic (and therefor remorseful) when they have done something wrong versus strong-arming, threats, blaming and shaming typical of abusive parents to get children to apologize to people they probably should not be apologizing to.

The following articles are written for parents who are invested in "healthy parenting", who want to be the best models of healthy parents for their children, and who, through "healthy parenting tips", have kids who are "genuinely empathetic" and capable of heart-felt apologies.

If you have children who don't apologize for what the parent sees as "obvious transgressions and wrong-doings", usually something is either going on with the child, or with the parent, but most of the time the reasons are intricately linked in the relationship between the parent and the child.

While there are some exceptions like conditions and disorders that can make a child unempathetic, most of those conditions would mean the child having an unempathetic approach all of the time, in almost all situations (and becoming part of the personality). All children but future psychopaths are born with empathy. If empathy goes away over time, there is a reason for it (environmental reasons tied to how they were parented is usually the most common).

In some cases autistic children can present as appearing unempathetic, but on the inside of the child there is so much empathy and they feel others pain so deeply that they freeze (here is another link to another article on that phenomenon).

For the sake of this post, I will be discussing both the healthy style of parenting (where communication lines are open, judgments about what happened are kept open too, and empathy is calmly discussed) versus the unhealthy style of parenting (where parents push and strong arm their children to apologize, threaten or punish their child if an apology is not given, all with a lot of rage, blaming, shaming and impulsive judgments which are rigid).

But first we get to the health tips for parents who bend towards healthy resolutions with their kids.

You will notice in these articles that most psychologists strongly advise parents not to force children to apologize, but that apologies (which boil down to an outward expression of empathy) are best when authentically felt and expressed by the child. Many psychologists' advice is to talk to children more about empathy than a singular apology. Also the most long lasting impression for a child is seeing his or her parent making apologies, making amends, talking openly about how they have hurt or overlooked another person, and showing how they want to resolve it. Children learn from example more than from words.

I saw some parents once telling their kids to stop swearing once in this way: "Shut your f*cking trap! I told you both to stop swearing now! I mean it, you little sh#ts!"

Needless to say it doesn't work. The parents are now dead and the kids, in their fifties, still swear most of the time (every other word is a swear word in all their family get-togethers, but they mostly don't swear while out in public unless they are irate about something). So it is like the parents might as well have been talking to a brick wall in terms of the impact they made with their words on the kids.

It's the same with empathy: "You need to be sensitive to other people's feelings, you rotten, no-good  child! If you can't apologize to me right now (and I mean right now!) for crying in that store, you're going to get a good spanking on your little bottom when we get home! You want a sore bottom? You are really going to have something to cry about then! In fact, I hope you cry all night long! And it will hurt like Hell! You asked for it! You're going to get it good!" - A parent who talks this way is teaching the opposite of empathy. They are teaching cruelty. And the hypocrisy is rampant!

What is more, children can detect hypocrisy as young as seven years old, and furthermore, they know that it is wrong. You cannot fool children to do as you say and to ignore what you do. While we think of teens as having lost respect for their parents, young children can lose respect for a parent too. The parent will have a very hard time winning respect back once it is lost. Trying to force a child with commands to respect you because you are their parent does not work either. 

In this article by the online magazine "Fatherly" (written by Virginia Pelley) children want respect as much and as deeply as adults do:
The crux of the matter, however, is that parents who complain about kids being disrespectful often treat their kids with disrespect, says John Petersen, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in South Bend, Indiana ... 
... A helpful way to think of respect for you as a parent is to strive for cooperation, not compliance, Petersen says. When you’re ready to head out with your kid to do errands, for example, it can be trying to say calmly, “I know you’re having fun with your toy right now, so take another minute to play with it, but then we have to go pick up your sister at practice,” instead of, “Put it down and let’s go, now.” But the payoff is a kid who knows how to show respect for others ...
... You’re going to make mistakes. All parents do. You can mitigate the damage to your family relationships with an apology that makes them feel heard and understood, Petersen says.
First, ask your family what the experience was like for them. Listen, honor their emotional experience and summarize what they expressed, he suggests. Even if you see the situation differently, talk about what you’re prepared to do so it doesn’t happen again. 


In order to have a healthy approach to teaching your child how to have empathy and how to apologize, think about yourself as someone who is on stage in front of someone who is really impressionable (your child), and they are watching everything you do, and may very well be normalizing what you do too. If they are critical thinkers, they may not approve of everything you do even though you are their parent (it is actually natural for them to have different perspectives than you about your behavior: you cannot expect to be thought of as an exemplary parent throughout your life, and if you aren't narcissistic, you won't become enraged about that fact either - which is to say that narcissists become enraged at the thought that they aren't perceived as being "wonderful" or "better than other parents").

Parents should always understand that if they are critical, analytical and discerning of how other people behave, their children will probably be too. Likewise if you are critical of your children, they will probably be critical of you (even if they do it behind your back). Narcissists want to have the entitlement to criticize others on steroids while never being criticized themselves. Good luck with that.

Apologies will work the same way. Healthy approaches to apologies are about you, the parent, modeling good apologies towards a person or people you have hurt and want to make amends to.

If you are a child abuse survivor and reading this, realize that growing up in an environment where you were expected to apologize too much and too often, but never or rarely saw your parent apologize, it is crazy-making. These are really not teaching moments. I go into how it effects children when I flesh out the section for child abuse survivors below (recognizing what you went through and the symptoms you may have as a result of your upbringing). 

Following are the articles on healthy ways to help kids understand the impact they have on others. Note: I could not find a single article that suggested forced apologies were good parenting practices. 

After these articles, I talk about why abusers have such a hard time taking the healthy approaches as stated in these articles. But for the rest of us, I hope these articles (most of them written by experts in the field of child psychology) make sense:

Parents: Take a timeout before you force your child to apologize - by Laura Bailey from The University of Michigan
excerpt:
... Parents who force unremorseful kids to apologize to others before they’re truly sorry may do more harm than good.
That’s because the main point of an apology—to express remorse and repair relationships—is lost because children may dislike the apologizer even more after the insincere apology than before. Children know when you mean you’re truly sorry.
The new study from the University of Michigan looked at whether children distinguish between willingly given and coerced expressions of remorse—and they do ...
... “Coercing your child to apologize is going to backfire. Other kids don’t view that apologizer as likable. The teachable element of having the child apologize has gone away and the goal of the apology prompt—to help your child express remorse, soothe someone else’s hurt feelings and make your child more likable—is lost.”
(quote by Craig Smith, research investigator at the U-M Center for Human Growth and Development).
How can parents help their young children respond with empathy after they’ve upset another person, and ultimately deliver a willing apology?
“When your child is calm, help them see how the other person is feeling, and why,” Smith said. “An apology is one way to do it, but there are lots of ways. Research shows that even preschoolers value it when a wrongdoer makes amends with action. Sometimes this is more powerful than words.”


Children Are Wired For Empathy And Insisting On Apologies Is Not Necessary - by Adriadne Brill
excerpt of the headlines in the article:
* Children are Wired for Empathy
* A Child’s Apology Might Not Look Like One At All
* Going Beyond Just “I am Sorry”
* How to Teach Children To Say Sorry Without Insisting on Forced Apologies
* Creating opportunities for Children To Learn How to Make Amends
   1.Listen with Curiosity
   2. Avoid Blame (talks about having a blame free home)
   3.Activate Empathy
   4.Patience and Flexibility ("A rushed sorry is not nearly as valuable than thought out way apology")
   5. Notice the Sincere Apologies
   6. Model Making Amends (i.e. model apologies to others and your children)
* The Take Away
   "When it comes to helping children learn to say sorry, remember that more valuable than the words our children use, it is what they take away from each moment".

Why you shouldn’t force children to apologize - by Alison Bowen for the Chicago Tribune
excerpt:
In his latest research, released Nov. 19 in the Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, Smith and his co-authors found kids were aware when apologizers were coerced and didn’t like that — for them or the recipient.
Parents often urge children to immediately apologize, he said. And although that is not out of bad intentions, it can be counterproductive. Other children see a lack of authenticity, and a child forced to apologize is learning to feign remorse.
“One of the reasons I think we do it, with apologies, is because it’s a really accepted script that we use; it’s really almost an expected script,” he said. “We want to prepare them to be successful socially, and part of what that entails is being able to make amends.”
... The researchers wanted to explore whether children are sensitive to the fact that some apologies do not convey true remorse. Even young children, Smith noted, understand that an apology is a way of showing that someone feels bad about something. “They understand that if a victim gets an apology, they’re typically going to feel better than a victim who did not get an apology.” ...

excerpt:
A new study finds that making children apologize can make things worse.
When kids say fake "sorry" their victims dislike them even more.
Children respond most positively when regret is sincere.
"You did what? You apologize right now!"
That may be the sound of a grownup making a mistake. According to new research published by the University of Michigan this year, forcing a child to apologize when they don't mean it usually does more harm than good.
"Coercing your child to apologize is going to backfire," says the study's author, Craig Smith, of the University's Center for Human Growth and Development. "Other kids don't view that apologizer as likable. The teachable element of having the child apologize has gone away and the goal of the apology prompt — to help your child express remorse, soothe someone else's hurt feelings and make your child more likable — is lost."

Should Parents Make Their Children Apologize? (This is what decades of research say about children and apologies - by Denise Cummins Ph.D.
excerpt:
... Should parents insist that children apologize when they cause intentional or unintentional harm to another? The evidence seems to indicate the following practical course of action:
1. Encourage young children to apologize to each other because it will help mend hurt feelings, and very young children don't seem to distinguish between prompted apologies and spontaneous apologies.
2. As children reach elementary school age, spontaneous apologies have more impact, so parents should think twice about whether and how to prompt apologies. If your child's apology doesn't seem sincere, it will have less impact in mending broken relationships.
3. Offers to make restitution not only heal hurt feelings, they also make the repair to broken relationships. Parents can be helpful in making suggestions of how children can make up for the damage or hurt they caused either intentionally or unintentionally ...


There are many more articles on this subject, but they more or less say the same thing in different ways.

As you can see, most of these approaches are anti-authoritarian. The authoritarian approach is: "You MUST apologize!" And in cruel, punishing abusive families it is: "You MUST apologize or there will be dire consequences for you including our cruelty."

IF YOU HURT OR WHIP THE CHILD
DOES HE BEHAVE AND APOLOGIZE?
THE ABUSIVE APPROACH TO GETTING A CHILD TO APOLOGIZE
AND THE EFFECTS TO THE CHILD

One of the things people learned back in the olden times when torture devices and torture chambers were all the rage is that it did not necessarily work in getting the truth out of victims (if the prosecutor and the monarch were looking for the truth). The thing it tended to get out of victims is what the torturer wanted to hear - and it was done mainly to get the torture to stop. So a lot of people ratted on people who were innocent. Even the victim might be innocent. So you and the innocent people you ratted on might go to the stake or chopping block or get drawn and quartered. 

One of the reasons why America adopted "innocent until proven guilty" was because they had the foresight to reject these practices. 

Killing innocents probably did not move monarchs to much regret in these circumstances because the people who worshiped them ("Our Great Leader") were brainwashed to seeing them as close to God (and God's perceptions and benevolence). Also, there were so many documents to sign and court intrigues that the monarch often made hasty decisions just because he or she was overwhelmed by so many of them. There were also "persuasions" to listen to by cabinet members. If you killed a lot of innocent people, it was the cost of doing business, and you could find the real people responsible eventually and kill them too. 

And, of course, you had to find a few others who might be perceived as getting out of hand and kill them at the same time. Rebellions were not allowed and monarchs never thought much about the why part of rebellions. That got some of the monarchs killed themselves (the last Russian Czar comes to mind). 

For all intents and purposes, child abusers act like corrupt implacable monarchs. Like monarchs, they expect to be flattered. They will go into a rage if you don't flatter them. That is because there is an assumed hierarchy. They expect that you will follow their orders and conform even if the orders are clearly not to your benefit and cruelly designed. It is watered down monarchy, typically referred to as "authoritarian parents". 

Parents should never have been allowed to have as much power as they do. In the present legal system, if you want to make your underage child a slave to you and a whipping boy for everything that goes wrong in the life of the parent, or in the family, you can pretty much get away with it, especially if you home school or otherwise indoctrinate your children.

And a lot of psychologists think that after these child abuse victims have been damaged by years and years of this treatment that therapy can heal these victims.

But the problem should not look like this. It is really like this:

"You get to do anything you want to your child (and be sure to home school so there will be no eyes on the situation), be abusive, invalidating, cruel, scary and unhinged, and destroy your kid as much as you can ... because when he or she is 18, or 25, or 38, he or she might discover they were abused and seek therapy from us. Then we may be able to heal the child." - it is just wrong. It's like saying "Drive down the highway any old way you want, in which ever lane you want, and even recklessly, flex your 'freedom muscles', even drive drunk if you choose, and anyone that you hit? We'll be there for therapy for them."

There is a reason why we, as a society, should not expose people (and especially children) to danger. And yet, children under 12 are beaten a lot more than adults, are abandoned more than adults, they are raped quite a bit more more than adults, they are abducted far more than adults, and they suffer a lot more than adults because their constitutions are simply not ready for this level of cruelty.

Part of the problem is that narcissists have hair trigger rage (based on shame) which a child can never solve. It should never be a child's responsibility regardless. I have included a video below where psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula talks about the rage cycle of narcissists, the unpredictability of the rages, the vindictive part of the rages, and how the rages can be about something else but are taken out on you, the child, instead.

But ... in order for the narcissist to keep himself (or herself) emotionally regulated (i.e. out of experiencing the overwhelming rage-which-is-based-on-shame), they constantly want apologies from you. They want you to take on their shame so that they will not feel shame (and feeling so emotionally unhinged that they want to hurt you and the relationship they are in with you). Always remember, the discard stage happens around issues of their shame, and their inability to handle it.

If you don't offer the apology, or cannot be talked into an apology, the rage gets quite a bit worse in the narcissist and they become very vindictive, petulant and cruel to make you bend to their will. It's in the video.

Obviously this should never be a child's responsibility. We do have to have laws to keep this from happening to children. But in the meantime, children are counted on by these parents for regulating their parent's rage via apologies. Children who are abused for "lack of apology" often don't know what they have done and don't mean to hurt their primary caregivers anyway, and most of the time don't even understand what is going on, in the same way that a victim in the torture chamber says something to the torturer to end the torture. It doesn't work.

If you actually click on Dr. Ramani's video, you can see the comments from many, many child abuse survivors. The high majority of the people who comment tell others to walk away from these relationships.

If something has been un-fixable for 18 years, you don't keep trying to fix it. And by age 18, you know that all of the apologies over all of the "nothings" and erroneous stuff and the fantasies the narcissist has about your character and intentions (they are exceptionally bad at reading people), never ever fixed anything any way, at any time. I think every child gets to the point of "this is my last apology. I can't do this any more." And they walk away from their parent. The parent can cry the blues, make up even more stuff about the child, go on a retaliation binge (which they do), whine to their friends about how they are the victims and how much you wronged them (which they do too, and I bet if you are the child, you have lost a lot of respect for your parent for doing this), and you can be vilified to everyone you know without breaking your resolve.

The reason you don't give in to them is because these apologies are so wrong, and make you so ill, you can't do them any more. Adulthood gives you the strength to walk away. And it is like walking away from a cult where they will punish you if you try to run away with anything other than the shirt on your back.

Once you are out of the role of apologizer for all of these rages, the narcissist will hate you, and the hate will eat them alive. They become obsessed and possessed by thoughts and plans of putting any and all culpability on to you, their child, especially if you have served that role for them in the past (the scapegoats are the children in narcissistic families who generally get put into these roles). Sometimes the smear campaign is enough for some narcissists, especially if they can collect a lot of people, but often it isn't enough because part of narcissism is paranoia. They focus so much of their energy on people, and triangulating people, and manipulating people to get into positions of power and dominance, and vengeful thoughts and plans, especially if they are malignant narcissists, that hate is just another "people focused" thing of theirs that they get fixated on, unlike the rest of us who are just trying to bring up our kids in the healthiest way possible, keeping food on the table, working our jobs, and being with our spouses. They desperately want to harm you more, much more, but they don't know how to do it without narcissistic fall out (i.e. without the possibility of moral people ashamed of them).

And despite all of the hate they have for you, and all of the damage they want to do to you, all of the head games and chess matches they want to play with you, and the push-pull love-you-hate-you scenes, you just want out of the crazy cult of their paranoia-and-rage cycles and start a new life. That is obvious from the comments sections for children of narcissists.

Anyway, if that wasn't enough to deal with, you will be expected to apologize to other members of your family who are abusive and bullying. The strong-arming to apologize to other abusers is a big red flag of Malignant Narcissism. There is a reason why they want this so badly from you, and I will be covering it in another post.

In order to coerce and terrorize you to continually apologize for things you didn't do or say throughout your childhood, they have to do an incredible amount of gaslighting and invalidation of your experiences, feelings and thoughts. They can't really get you to apologize for nonsense without those tactics.

Children experience both of these tactics as confusion and anxiety. If you have seen the Gaslight movie you see how the main character becomes very confused and anxious, almost unhinged by the possibility that she does not know her own mind and perceptions. She gets talked into being crazy. If you have ever had terrible arguments where you are defending yourself over what you are feeling, or thinking, or experiencing, you know how infuriating or frustrating it is when the narcissist insists you were feeling or thinking or experiencing something else entirely - that is an instance of invalidation. When they feel entitled to tell you what your reality is, that is gaslighting.

And believe it or not, they even gaslight you and tell you what you were going through when they weren't there for the experience that you had. It happens more than you would think!

If you are a child, you may have even been punished for your narcissist's crazy-making fixed opinions about how crazy you are and the narcissists insistence that your feelings, thoughts and experiences are not valid. The only reality that the narcissist accepts is their own opinion about the feeling, thought and experience you were going through.

If a child is forced to apologize with all of this going on, and for at least 18 years of it, it adds up to trauma in the child. With other kinds of traumas added to the mix, the end result may be full blown PTSD (or C-PTSD - which is recognized by The World Health Organization but not by the Diagnosis and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders, the latter using the term PTSD instead).

The problem for children who have been put in the endless apologizing role where the apologies always go from the child out to the parent and extend to other abusers, is that their trauma cannot be resolved inside the family. One of the big reasons why it cannot be resolved is that narcissists lack empathy and self reflection. They aren't going to be soothing their child. They aren't going to be apologizing to their child for hurting them.

The common narcissistic apology, in fact is, "I'm sorry you feel that way" (I will be discussing the narcissist's apologies in an upcoming post). This is why tougher laws must be instated for victims of child abuse. This is why children need to be given some rights to go into foster care if they want to. I will also be discussing what I found were adult children's wishes about what they wanted in terms of stopping the abuse, but to give you a nibble, about half of all child abuse victims would have jumped at the opportunity to be placed into foster care. If you are psychologist, run these statistics yourself, and I think you will see similar numbers to what I saw.

Now some of the reasons why the forced apology with invalidation and gaslighting happens so frequently to victims of child abuse is that the parent may have suffered child abuse too. Alternatively, they could have been a Golden Child in their family of origin and feel that shame is beneath them, something for other people, never for them.

In terms of the non-Golden child abuse victims who tend to take on a victim-type mentality, and be the covert vulnerable type of narcissists: they could have seen or experienced too much shaming in their childhoods and cannot stand any more of it landing on them. So to make themselves feel better from all of the trauma triggers that shaming brings to them, they do what their parents did: put the blame and shame on the child instead. In fact, where you find covert narcissists, you often find that they are super-sensitive to any criticism and any hint of shame. They become wildly destructive over perceived criticisms and perceived shaming, in fact (and yet they dish out plenty of it). It is common for covert narcissists to present with cormorbid conditions like PTSD.

For the Golden Child types of narcissists (who tend to be more of the grandiose style narcissists), they were groomed to feel they could do no wrong, as well as not to feel empathy for victims of bullying, and to go along with flying monkey pursuits and agendas like bullying, shaming and smear campaigns for the head narcissist in their family of origin. While they, too, are rageful and sensitive to criticism, they are not as sensitive as someone who has had direct hits of erroneous shaming in childhood and is saddled with trauma. They appear smug and unmoved emotionally while shamed (much like Jeffrey Epstein when interrogated by police).

Not being able to handle shame in a healthy way other than to be vindictive and rageful would also explain why perpetrators often choose going to prison over intensive daily therapy and anger management classes. And they do. They cannot stand the thought of feeling or dealing with shame in a therapist's office, or in front of other perpetrators at classes, so they think that prison will be a lot easier for them.

It means that most narcissistic parents will not be practicing the kinds of healthy parenting tips I discussed at the beginning of the post. Without any consideration for healthier parenting approaches, not caring about how this impacts the child, no way out for the child unless the child knows to call 911 or Domestic Violence Services, you have a more and more traumatized child (something that society will be saddled with in terms of on-going cost for trauma therapy).

"The Narcissist and the Shame-Rage Spiral"
by psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula
(my hope is that this video of hers explains why you can't "win" with a narcissist
who wants you to take on all faults within a family):

further reading:

Gaslighting: is an apology necessary to heal after you’ve been abused? (Restorative justice is an approach to healing. But how is it possible with sociopaths, pathological liars, blackout drinkers who rely on fractured memory for truth?) - by Ariel Leve for The Guardian

Characteristics of Abusers 



The value of an apology in sexual assault claims - by Tracey Emmott

Apologizing When You’ve Done Nothing Wrong - by Laura Polk for Crosswalk.com

You’ll Be Sorry – Children and Apologies - by Janet Lansbury for Elevating Child Care

Cult leaders often have the same characteristics as abusive parents (or abusive heads of a household): here is an article I found on Psychology Today by Joe Navarro who explains the characteristics of cult leaders


What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Apologize - by staff of Sleeping Should Be Easy