Once Narcissists Try to Hurt You, They Don't Want to Stop. It's One of Many Reasons Why Most Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Eventually Leave Them.

So, before you shame the next victim of narcissistic abuse for divorcing their spouse, or for a child who prefers to be estranged from a parent or sibling, or for letting a rift come between two best friends, consider that the reason may be that one of them has many or all of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that this narcissist is actually on a campaign to hurt the person they claim to love.

And if they do have this personality disorder, plus some power over you, and they have hurt you once, and continued to try to hurt you, consider that narcissistic traits in the "hurter" might be the culprit.

Some reasons why narcissists want to hurt other people, and why they go on retaliation and revenge binges:

* when they feel hurt over your complaints or criticisms about them, or in situations they manage. They take complaints and criticisms as insults to their ego, an ego they feel must be worshipped, not found to be at fault. When dealing with others' complaints and criticisms, narcissists rage and feel disappointed in the messenger of those complaints and criticisms.  in narcissists, and for which most of them want to seek revenge. Take note however: most narcissists believe that you have no right to complain about or criticize them because they put themselves in higher status and value than others, whereas they criticize other people in extreme ways: insults, degrading comments, false narratives, smear campaigns with only a little truth, fantasy scenes which make you either the instigator, calling on others to have a bad opinion of you even if they don't know you, calling on others to hurt you.
     In fact, they try to out-do you in the extreme with complaints and criticisms, as well as take on aggressive behaviors. 
     This shows a number of things:
     -first: that they have narcissistic traits, and maybe even the whole personality disorder, and possibly even other personality disorders too, especially if the revenge is so extreme that you wonder when they'll be done, or they use sabotage, crimes, physical abuse, and physical injury or attempted murder  to make their point, the sign of either malignant narcissism or psychopathy. 
     -second: entitlement. Narcissists feel entitled to hurt you, but that you aren't entitled to walk away from them because of their self appointed entitlement to hurt you, or to defend yourself against their attacks, or to call the police if a crime that they instigate or get someone else to instigate against you seems connected to them, or to live happily ever after without them. They can't stand any of these, so there is a great resentment against others' boundaries. 
     -third: boundaries. They believe they are so special that they have a right to traverse and crash everyone's boundaries. This includes emotional, mental and often physical boundaries. It also includes a right to interrogate you, or demean you.
     If they are home invading, stealing, stalking, trespassing, and sabotaging, this points more towards Antisocial Personality Disorder or Malignant Narcissism.  
     
* when they feel slighted when you don't invite them to important events in your life, or to a party, and believe it means they have a right to seek revenge over it.
     Narcissists feel too important to be taken for granted, forgotten about, overlooked, or to be unwanted company.
     They assume they control others more than they actually do (they even think they control others' thoughts and opinions), that they are always the most important person in the room, that people always listen with baited breath to what they have to say and disregard what others have to say, that others will always be careful not to step on their ego ("walking on eggshells"), that they "own" the event to which they are invited to some degree. They are not at events to get to know others except in knowing how much influence they, the narcissist, can insert into conversations. This is one way they find both new narcissistic supply and new victims.
     Since "not being invited" is a bruise to their ego, their highly crafted "perfect persona", and sense of importance, entitlement and grandiose visions of themselves, they tend to get hurt and retaliate. 
     They may do a tit-for-tat and stop inviting you to their events too, but more likely they will go way beyond that in revenge-seeking. 

* when they feel they are losing control and power over you or over the events in your life that they believe they have a right to control. 
     One of the big things narcissists feel they have a right to control are the weddings of their children (and to some extent their grandchildren). This includes the cake, the guest list, the dress or tux, and anything else they can think of. It's the rare narcissist who says, "You can run your wedding any way you want to. If you need my support, I'm here for you." That is so obvious in forums for child abuse survivors. 
     If you are in a close personal relationship with them, they also feel entitled to control what you say, how you say it, where you go, what you do, what you tell them, who you have relationships with, what career you choose, how you manage your career, how you dress, what you do with your hair, everything. They are even known to try to micro-manage situations they aren't part of and know nothing about. 
     If you are in a work environment with them, they typically use gossip, tell false narratives to the boss, sabotage your work, take credit for your work and other maneuvers to make sure they are promoted and that you are demoted (or fired). Note: if bosses don't look into situations carefully, they can be taken in by narcissists. If they are adamant that the narcissist is right, then you can't talk them out of it. You can read my post on enablers and flying monkeys in narcissistic abuse to understand the dynamic. The work environment is likely to get more toxic than less toxic if narcissists are promoted. 
     If they've gained that kind of control over you, and feel they are losing it later on, or if you've come upon a false narrative or two that they've told about you, and you are showing distrust of them over these facts, then they are likely to go on a revenge binge. 
     They don't like losing power and position, and have to know they are always going to get more power, not less of it, and while rage is certainly part of losing power for them, it's a rare narcissist who won't retaliate too. 

* when you aren't walking on eggshells for them. 
     Narcissists feel they are too sensitive, that they need special care and that your duty is to be careful around their super sensitive feelings. 
     Fine, but they aren't sensitive to other people's feelings by a long shot because of their profound lack of empathy. 
     This makes it very difficult to be super sensitive to them when they are hammering away at you with such callousness. 
     When you've had enough, they'll play the victim. The only person they notice who is hurt is them, always and forever, because again, they don't care about your feelings (because of their lack of empathy). 
     If you don't come rushing to their aid immediately, when they want it, they feel you are a calloused brute who can't toughen up when they hurt you. So they want to hurt you more. 
     There is so much hypocrisy in these situations that it is hard to turn yourself inside out to address their feelings when most likely, because of their narcissism, they instigated it, they took hurting you to such extremes, they never offered a realistic resolution, and all you want to do is leave.
     Their playing the victim in these kinds of situations perhaps nauseates you too. 
     Then they start playing the victim in front of others, inserting a lot of false narratives about what happened between the two of you, making sure they turn you into the instigator, making sure they make everything that happened totally your fault, etc. Believe it or not, a lot of narcissists still expect you to save their sorry ass. 
     When you don't save their ass, they go on a revenge binge. 

So let's say they have decided the best way to react to being hurt is to go on a retaliation spree. Where does it end? How much destruction satisfies them? And do they keep wanting to hurt you once they have started?

Yes to all of it. 

For part of this answer, I went to Google AI and Google Search. I give you the Google AI answer below in dark red, and you can search through articles through the same link. 

There's a saying, "Hurt people hurt people," and it often applies to individuals with narcissistic tendencies. While it might seem counterintuitive to keep hurting someone they've already harmed, several factors contribute to this behavior: 

Lack of Empathy and Self-reflection

* Narcissists struggle with empathy, meaning they have a diminished ability to understand or share the feelings of others.

* They may not fully grasp the depth of pain they inflict because their reality is distorted and focused on their own needs and perspectives.

* This lack of self-awareness makes it difficult for them to recognize the impact of their actions or take responsibility for causing harm. 

Underlying Insecurities and Fragile Ego

* Despite appearing confident, narcissists harbor deep insecurities and a fragile sense of self.

* To protect their ego, they may employ defense mechanisms like projecting their flaws onto others and blaming them for their own insecurities or past traumas.

* Hurting others can be a way to regulate their own emotions and boost their self-esteem, even if it's temporary. 

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

* Narcissists may engage in a cycle of abuse that includes love bombing, devaluation, and discard stages, where the victim is idealized, then criticized and put down, and finally cast aside.

* When a narcissist feels challenged or threatened, they may lash out in narcissistic rage, which is characterized by intense anger and a need to regain control.

* This cycle perpetuates as the narcissist struggles to maintain a sense of superiority and control, and may repeat hurtful behaviors to ensure the victim remains under their influence or subservient to them. 

Pleasure from seeing others suffer

* Some narcissists, especially those with sadistic or malignant traits, may derive pleasure from the pain and humiliation of others, according to Medium.

* They may see it as a way to prove their own superiority and get the "narcissistic supply" they need to feel good about themselves. 

It's important to remember that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder or strong narcissistic traits are operating from a place of deep pain and insecurity. While it's crucial to acknowledge the harm they cause, it's also essential to understand the underlying psychological factors driving their actions. 

If "the retaliations" are scary and seem like the actions of a "disturbed person" and they are escalating, this article by Psychology Today called The Hidden Danger of the Homicidal Narcissist

When ego threats, perceived slights, and romantic rejections can lead to murder might be helpful.

Note: Most victims of narcissistic abuse tend to downplay the amount of danger they are in (meaning they are usually in much more danger than they realize). 

So here are some traits to watch out for to tell whether you are in any danger. The more of these things there are, the more dangerous the person is.

* A need to get negative narcissistic supply from you.
Negative narcissistic supply would be these emotions coming from you:
      being upset and sad: being upset means, to them, that they have control over your emotions, that if they try to upset you, they will realize they have that kind of power over you. It's another sign to them that they can make a puppet out of you. If you are bothered by them throwing out your clothes, they'll be sure to "up" throwing your clothes away just to upset you, and then play dumb afterwards. 
If you are sad, to them it means they have managed to effect you in a negative way. They may do things that upset you more. If you don't like your dog running in the street, they will send your dog out to run in the street and then play dumb afterward. If you don't like ginger cake, they'll buy you a ginger cake especially for your birthday. If talking about a certain subject makes you feel sad and you don't like to re-visit those sad memories, they'll make constant excuses as to why they need to keep bringing it up. 
     sabotaging you: a lot of negative narcissistic supply comes from sabotaging you. Let's say you get a promotion at work, and they not only do not celebrate the event with you, they also decide to rage at you and start an erroneous argument so that your attention is on them instead of your promotion. They might call your boss up at work and tell them you didn't deserve the promotion because you have serious psychological problems (when you don't). Then they refuse to talk to you for three days. 
     getting you angry: They provoke you and bait you in ways that they know will get you angry and reactive. Once you become reactive, they tell you that you have serious mental health problems to get that angry at them. Then they tell you the argument was all your fault without taking accountability for provoking and baiting you for a response. This is also a bullying tactic, by the way. 
     getting you jealous: Again, they provoke you and bait you to get you jealous. They talk about what great sex they had with their ex. They talk about how attractive a woman is at work. If you go to a dance, they spend most of the night dancing with others and keep looking at you to see if you are reacting. In extreme cases they have affairs and flaunt them in your face, but then act surprised, devastated and vengeful when you file for divorce. They can even say things like "You never cared about me to file for divorce!" 
     controlling the conversation to get negative reactions out of you: blaming you for things you did not do, blaming you for things you did not say, blaming you for thoughts you do not have (called perspecticide). Any actions that show that they do not value you, who you are, what you do, or what you have to say to get a reaction out of you. Stonewalling and silencing you is also one of the ways narcissists try to control what is discussed, when it is discussed, and how it is discussed. If they don't get their own way in this regard every single time, they have a tantrum, and often refuse to talk to you at all. 
     sending the message that no one cares about you: This usually is a bullying technique meant to make you feel alone and lonely, without support from a single soul, an outcast, a shunned person that no one in the world will accept. Except that it usually comes with false narratives about you, and lots of smear campaigns to get other people doubting you and siding with the narcissist way before they want others to shun you. In other words, it is premeditated, an insurance policy in case you "buck" their control.
     Part of why they do this is to get you wanting to get approval from them and the group, especially their brainwashed group. This tends to work in their favor in the short term, but not in the long term. If this is the first time they do this, the negative reaction they want is probably what they will get: you'll feel alone, lonely and shunned. 
     If they keep doing it, you'll probably figure out it is an obnoxious game they want to play to get you afraid and reacting, and to keep you from seeking other avenues of genuine support, instead of the very tenuous support they show you.  
     getting reactions out of you where you feel afraid, intimidated, threatened, anxious and/or hunted: This is generally referred to as coercive control. This is the most dangerous of negative narcissistic supply, but I bet it comes with all of the others I have mentioned first or in tandem with it. If it includes sadism too, there is even more danger to it. 
     Their wanting to get negative narcissistic supply out of you doesn't get better, and can get much worse.
     The amount of narcissistic supply they get from others is never enough. They always want more. Now imagine that their main source of narcissistic supply is the negative kind. This means they'll be increasing the amount of hurt they give you, sometimes to the point of sadistic acts. 
When therapists tell you that abuse escalates, listen to them. Getting negative narcissistic supply is part of it. 
     
* If there is gang bullying going on, it can be more dangerous than one sole narcissist bullying you because brainwashed fools in numbers tend "not to be smart". They aren't being smart about what they are doing because they are brainwashed. They have given up any kind of moral convictions in order to please the narcissist. They have also given up on their own independent thoughts to act on the narcissist's behalf.
     The dynamic doesn't change because of the number of people involved (and the co-supporters of the bullying will justify each bullying incident)
* When family mobbing becomes dangerous (Google Search and Google AI)
* When the golden child participates in family mobbing (Google Search and Google AI)
* The enabler parent in the narcissistically abusive family - by therapist, Jay Reid (You Tube)
* Dirty Secrets: The Hidden Truth of Family Mobbing and Scapegoat Abuse #scapegoat #toxicfamily - by Rebecca C. Mandeville LMFT Scapegoat Abuse Expert (You Tube)
* An INSIDIOUS type of narcissistic BULLYING - by Dr.Ramani Duvasula (You Tube)
* Family scapegoat, prized, needed and envied | Diane Collins | TEDxFederalHill (You Tube)
* Are family scapegoats sometimes killed? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Signs Your Family is Using You as the SCAPEGOAT - by Psych To Go (You Tube)
* Are authoritarian families more abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Are authoritarian parents more abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Family mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Friendship mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Workplace mobbing and bullying (Google Search and Google AI)
* Why are daughters more at risk in family mobbing? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Who Fares Worse?

How boys and girls of narcissistic mothers can be impacted. - by Claire Jack Ph.D., and reviewed by Devon Frye for Psychology Today
* Why do narcissistic mothers hate their daughters? (Google Search and Google AI)
* 10 symptoms of daughters of narcissistic fathers (Google Search and Google AI)
* 10 symptoms of sons of narcissistic fathers (Google Search and Google AI)
* When your father is a malignant narcissist (Google Search and Google AI)
* My family is a narcissistic bully and keeps bothering me. What should I do? - Quora question
* What are the 3 R's to break the cycle of violence? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Domestic Violence (professional definition) - by Martin R. Huecker, Kevin C. King,  Gary A. Jordan, William Smock, for University of Loisville, Muhlenberg Community Hospital Greenville, University of Tennessee, National Library of Medicine (professional research paper)
* Signs and Effects of Workplace Bullying - by Sherri Gordon  and reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS for Very Well Mind

* Insults are a sign of danger too. This means they are devaluing you. When they've devalued you, they don't care what you feel, or how you feel, or how much damage they've done. Not caring about how you feel gives them the entitlement to treat you badly, with even more insults - or at least that is what they tend to think. To them, you've lost their esteem of you. 
How insults contribute to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)

* Arrogance is a sign of danger because it means the narcissist won't really hear you or listen to you because they have the attitude that they know best, that their mind and perspectives are better than yours. So if you want to tell them how you feel, grandiose narcissists will talk over you (not let you get a word in edgewise), covert narcissists will tell you that isn't how you really feel (and lecture you about how you feel something else instead), and malignant narcissists will tend to get angry because they don't want to talk about how you feel (it simply doesn't matter to them at all). 
     Arrogance tends to contribute to narcissists having confirmation biases and being blind to knowing anyone else other than themselves, so they will not necessarily care if they put you in danger, or someone else does. 
How arrogance contributes to violence against others (Google Search and Google AI)

* Controlling behaviors:
Coercive control consists of threats, humiliation and intimidation. Usually there are fear tactics, interrogation tactics, revenge tactics if you are prone to autonomous thoughts and decisions, isolation tactics to keep you from relating to common friends and family, and gaslighting tactics to get you to question your own mind. Coercive control usually goes with domestic violence or precedes it. Therefor it is dangerous. 
Managing you as though they are your boss, teacher, or spiritual leader, and trying to keep you from your own autonomous decisions is a common type of coercive control. This means if you have an autonomous thought or ambition you are being talked out of it to take on the controller's perspectives, ways of doing things, thinking style and opinions. Sometimes you might experience revenge or threats from them if you don't "do what you are told to do" or "think the way they want to think" or "feel the way they want you to feel". Usually this kind of action is only for their benefit, not for yours. They also tend to give you negative reinforcement than positive reinforcement to get you back under their control. Negative reinforcement always comes with dangers. 

* A Guide to Coercive Control

How to recognize this subtle yet dangerous form of domestic abuse - by Shelley Flannery for Domestic Shelters
Excerpts:
     ... Evan Stark, Ph.D., a forensic social worker and author of Coercive Control, estimates between 60% and 80% of female domestic abuse survivors have experienced coercive control beyond physical and emotional abuse. And a brief on the subject by Andrea Silverstone, RSW, executive director of Sagesse Domestic Violence Prevention Society in Canada reports more than 95% of domestic violence victims experience coercive control. ... 
     ... While coercive control can be found in any type of relationship, it’s most common in heterosexual relationships in which the man uses coercive control against the woman. In fact, about one in three women who experience intimate partner violence report being the victim of coercive control as compared with about one in 20 male victims of domestic abuse. Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, says she believes this is due to pervasive sexism. ... 
     ... Coercive control may not be explicitly outlawed in every state, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a red flag. In a review of intimate partner homicides in New South Wales, Australia, 100% of cases involved prior coercive control while just over half of offenders had previously been physically violent toward their partners. In other words, violence doesn’t always escalate incrementally. In more than 40% of intimate partner homicides, offenders who had previously used coercive control against their partners killed them with no reports of physical violence in between. ... 
* Does coercive control lead to domestic violence (Google Search and Google AI) 
* Does coercive control lead to criminal behavior (Google Search and Google AI)  

* Who is most at risk of becoming a victim of coercive control? - Women's aid, under the article, "What is Coercive Control?"
* 9 Signs of a Relationship with a Controlling Partner - by Hilary I. Lebow and medically reviewed by  Lori Lawrenz, PsyD for Psych Central
* Recognising the Difference Between Love and Controlling Behaviour in Relationships: Warning Signs - by the administrators of National Legal service Solicitors (UK)
* Why is coercive control illegal? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Why isn't coercive control illegal in many states in the USA?  (Google Search and Google AI)
* What do you call someone who wants to control everything? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Do criminals use coercive control? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Isolating you from others is often part of every narcissist's agenda. Again, this usually comes with a lot of smear campaigns with false narrative that they tell others long before your relationship with them seems to be in trouble. Narcissists use smear campaigns as their insurance policy to hoard the people that you both know with fake charm and false narratives about your sanity, so that you will be shunned and unsupported by their sycophants and other minions when you do break up with the narcissist.
     If these minions are brainwashed for a long time, they won't want to hear your side of things.
     Isolating is another aspect of Coercive control that can be more obvious than other traits. 
* How domestic violence offenders try to isolate their victims (Google Search and Google AI)
* ISOLATION TACTICS – How victims of Domestic Abuse fall into the trap - National Centre for Domestic Violence
* How isolating a victim contributes to victimization (Google Search and Google AI)
* How does isolation lead to victimization? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age - by Günnur Karakurt and Kristin E Silver for Violence Vict., and National Library of Medicine, National Center for Biotechnology, Pub Med Central (professional paper) - section on isolation

* male perpetrators who are loners, outcasts or have endured loneliness and social isolation for years or decades: The Cultural Roots of Loneliness and Violence

* Research with boys helps us understand the roots of loneliness and violence. - by Niobe Way Ed.D. for Psychology Today

* Entitlement can mean they feel entitled to do anything and get away with anything. 
How does entitlement figure into domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI)
Can spoiled children become abusive? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Breaking your property is often a precursor to physical abuse. It is also a type of revenge, and revenge in any close personal relationship is definitely a more serious kind of danger. 
Property Damage in the Domestic Violence Context - by D. Kelly Weisberg, UC Hastings College of the Law, for UC Law SF

* Lack of empathy is another danger sign. If they don't care about you, they won't care how things affect you unless they are into negative narcissistic supply and sadism.
     Lack of empathy with threatening, menacing behavior? Particularly dangerous.
Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders (Google Search and Google AI)

* Lack of any regret or accountability for hurting you - more dangerous. A sign of Antisocial Personality Disorder which can co-exist with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 
     Lack of empathy in domestic violence offenders is particularly dangerous.
     However, even if they have a habit of apologizing, it doesn't necessarily mean they've reformed. It doesn't necessarily mean they have regrets either. This is especially true if they keep hurting you in the same ways over and over again via a cycle. 
* Lack of remorse or regret in Antisocial Personality Disorder - (Google Search and Google AI)
* The Remorse of Abusers
Too much can lead to more abuse. - by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. for The Resilience Center of Houston

* Criminal past, criminal tendencies, or a criminal mindset - even more dangerous. A lot of narcissists will break codes of conduct, like having extra-marital affairs on partners (the partner thinks they are in a monogamous relationship and is shocked to find they are not, for instance), or playing around with damaging gossip, or hiding addictions, or saying "I do" for the fifth time in terms of being faithful in their marriage, and insulting others in institutions like schools that expect polite discourse, but most of narcissists fall just short of committing crimes. 
     For those narcissists who do commit crimes, there is usually some element of Antisocial Personality Disorder. 
     The crimes can be taking things that aren't theirs but have no value on the lower end of criminal activity. Murdering you is on the higher end of criminality obviously. The amount of Antisocial Personality Disorder that is mixed in with Narcissistic Personality Disorder depends largely on what they do and say.
     A person that cannot take any complaint or criticism without wanting to hurt you in extreme over-reactive ways might be someone high in Antisocial Personality Disorder, especially if they cannot tolerate any kind of autonomous decisions or thoughts from you either. 
     Micro-managing you in extreme ways so that you are constantly being monitored and told how you are making mistakes, and raging at you about the mistakes you are perceived to make, and punishing and insulting you for your perceived mistakes, especially when you are a full adult, is another trait of Antisocial Personality Disorder. 
     Sometimes it is hard to tell what criminal deeds they've done until after the fact since narcissists also have a strong need for positive validation from society tend to put hiding their criminal acts first.
     The truth can come out as late as when they've been arrested for some other crime in the past, or it comes out in court from the prosecution lawyers that they've committed crimes before and have many victims. 
     So don't necessarily assume they've never committed crimes.
If they have strong Machiavellian tendencies that can be a sign of a criminal mindset as the focus is mostly on deceit and self serving interests.
     A "criminal mindset" can mean they are focused a lot on "getting their own way" in issues where property is joint, or children are joint, or where they make plans to "get" what they want out of a relationship without considering you or your feelings. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often much more focused on revenge over matters which aren't meant to hurt them. While normal minds can be focused on revenge, it is more episodic and rarely carried out. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting money, material possessions, lying about other people to gain favor, and rewards at the expense of others. 
     A "criminal mindset" is often focused on getting rid of people or manipulating people to get an unfair advantage over them (power) or to take something from them. 
     A "criminal mindset" uses an incredible amount of charm, politeness and love bombing in order to gain favor and entry into someone else's life in order to gain something for themselves. They also use it in cases where their real motivations are not easily detected. Most narcissistic criminals are much more charming and affectionate than non-criminals. They act over-familiar, and over-intimate. The love bombing is usually intense, with a lot of flattery, a lot of mirroring of your likes and dislikes, and memes that you later find out were insincere. However, if you're not bowled over by them and their love bombing, or accept them right away (take things slowly), they can be rejecting, snippy, feel insulted and angry - that shows their entitlement. Entitlements is another danger sign.
     A "criminal mindset" is also about getting away with things as much as possible.  
     A criminal mindset is very unlikely to change. If you tell them how you feel, how their actions effect you, the damage their actions have done, or the repercussions in their own life, or with their own family and society at large, they are still not likely to change a bit. These people are "all about themselves and what they want" so much so that they really can't focus on others. They will not have empathy, and they tend to act on impulse when their needs become "overwhelming" to them.
     Some of them make elaborate plans "to get the most out of situations that aren't immediately rewarding them". It is who they are, in other words.
     They may promise to stop stealing, or stop home invading, or stop dealing drugs, or what ever their specialty is, but overwhelmingly they don't unless they feel that arrest for their crimes and attempted crimes is imminent. They tend to go for more vulnerable victims, victims who are not suspecting or show weakness at being talked into things. 
     A lot of people describe criminal narcissists and psychopaths as intelligent. However, committing crimes and lying about their intentions is not difficult. The difference is that if we act like they do, we feel sick. If they do it, they don't, and have very little conscience about their actions. They use your empathy and trust to gain access to you, to take from or manipulate you for their own gains. The real word for criminals is "predatory" and "Machiavellian" instead of "intelligent". The latter uses plans and deceit to get what they want, but many criminal plans usually can be detected by law enforcement, especially with technological advancements: DNA, social media and sightings, warning signals, cameras in every city and most businesses, drones and satellites, among other investigative techniques. Thus most criminals do not have "unusual intelligence" to go undeciphered. If you have a sense that something is "not right" about a person, or someone or you know the traits of Antisocial Personality Disorder, never meet with someone with these traits alone. Crowds are best. 

     Narcissism is often described as a personality disorder with arrested development. When a child is born, they focus overwhelmingly on their own needs, and on getting those needs met by a caregiver. However, as they grow older, and as empathy develops in a normal way, they stop thinking of the world as "I got to have --" and "I have to get my needs met by others", and "I'm the most important person in this relationship".
     As the enmeshment with the caregiver weakens, either in a slow or fast way depending on the caregiver, the child also takes on more autonomous thinking, doing and planning. Narcissists and narcissists who commit crimes never get to this point. Their minds are still on "how to get from others" and "I'm the most important person in this relationship."
     Entitlement to control or take from others can come from having most every need and want met, especially compared to other children in the family - important distinction. As children, budding narcissists probably receive very little explanation for why they can't have everything and anything they want, (i.e. they are not taught "resource lessons") . Many of them are not taught basic lessons like: "Do not take from others," or "Those aren't your toys," or "You aren't entitled to receive more than your sibling."
     This is especially true if they are taught by example that they are "special" and deserve more rewards than others (arrogance).
     Thus when they believe that they deserve more than others, and also deserve to be "treated special" in terms of "getting", it is this entitlement, often mixed with envy, that drives them to exploit situations and others to "get more". If others show weakness in terms of the exploiter (malignant narcissist) gaining easy access, a trusting person can become a victim.  
     Children who grow up in narcissistic families are often taught that boundaries are not acceptable when it comes to family members, and this is what can cause them to be victims with people outside of the family too. Boundaries are one of the first steps to becoming safe and autonomous if you are in a narcissistic family. Criminals especially love people who have poor boundaries, poor self defense, poor self esteem, poor knee jerk reactions to being exploited and taken from, and high empathy and trust. 
     Criminality doesn't preclude doing damage to you in terms of taking your finances, your assets, your mental health, your trust in others, your peace of mind, and your very life. If they've gotten away with a lot of crimes, they can feel especially emboldened to hurt you and take from you again by other means. In other words they like scheming against you because of your vulnerability. 
* Can a criminal mindset contribute to domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI)

* Domestic Violence and Deviant Behavior - by William D. Norwood, Ernest N. Jouriles, Renee McDonald, and Paul R. Swank. This research was supported by grant number 98–WT–VX–0005 from the National Institute of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice. (professional paper)
* Men are more likely to commit violent crimes. Why is this so and how do we change it? - by Rick Sarre, Andrew Day, Ben Livings, Catia Malvaso for The Conversation, re-published at The University of Melbourne, Australia
* Is domestic violence a violent crime? (Google Search and Google AI) - the answer? - yes, it is. 
* Narcissism and criminal behavior (Google Search and Google AI)
* An exploration of the link between narcissism, masochism, and crime in a post-incarcerated sample - by Hannah I. Piros , Amy Bauman  and Brendan Clark for Journal of the National Medical Association, Volume 115, Issue 5, October 2023, Pages 488-495, and Science Direct (professional paper)

* Physical abuse? - even more dangerous still.
* Rates of homicide in physical abuse (Google Search and Google AI)
* Danger Assessment - Women'sLaw.org
* Is pushing and shoving assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is shoving someone physical abuse? (Department of Justice USA)
* Is pushing and shoving abuse? (Government of Canada)
* Is throwing objects at you considered an assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is grabbing a hold of you considered assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is spitting on you considered assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* What to do if a child is punched in the stomach (Google Search and Google AI)
* Child Abuse - Mayo Clinic
* Definition of Domestic Violence (Government of Delaware, USA)
* Abuse Almost Always Escalates

Bad news: If you’re trapped in a cycle of abuse, it’s most likely going to only get worse - by Amanda Kippert for Domestic Shelters
excerts:
     ... While an abuser may say they “lost control” or “didn’t mean it” when their abuse escalates, that’s not true. Escalation is a choice abusers make when they feel like they’re losing control of the survivor or when they want to send a very clear message—they hold the power in the relationship. ... 
* Why would my boyfriend say he loves me but when he gets mad, he says mean things? - Quora question
* RECOMMENDED: How To Know If My Abusive Husband Is Changing – Claire’s Story

Learn how to safely observe if he's truly changing or if it's just more grooming and gaslighting. - Betrayal Trauma Recovery (a podcast, but by scrolling down, you can read the transcript)

* Any assaults to the face, head and neck - especially dangerous - can put you in imminent danger of losing your life, even. Includes slapping, digging fingernails, pushing your face, clawing your face or neck, touching your neck in an aggressive way, choking, punching, karate chopping at your head or neck, slamming your face or head into an object, pulling your head, kicking your head, face or neck, jerking your head to one side. 
* Assaults to the face head and neck in domestic violence (Google Search and Google AI)
* Is a slap across the face assault? (Google Search and Google AI)
* How dangerous is strangulation? Domestic Violence and Strangulation…4 Facts and 4 Myths - by Sarah Swiston for Wings, Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence
excerpt: The odds of homicide increase 750% for victims that have been previously strangled by their partner. If an abuser has access to firearms, the odds of female homicide increase by 1,100%.
* Domestic Violence and Traumatic Brain Injury: The Chilling Truth of This Hits Home - American Brain Foundation, American Academy of Neurology 
* What are the most common injuries from domestic violence? (Google Search and Google AI) - answer: head, neck and face
* Domestic violence, assaults to the head (Google Search and Google AI)
* Understanding Domestic Violence as a Cause of TBI - Brain Injury Association of America
* What to do after getting hit in the head? (Google Search and Google AI)

When you are in danger, often a number of these things are at play. Whether it's two of them or ten of them, it's still dangerous. Yes, some of them are more dangerous than others. But when I visit forums for battered women, most of them are surprised that their so-called lover was that violent, was that calloused about how the violence was effecting his victim(s), was that blind as to how "at fault" he was. Most of these women are surprised that they ended up in the hospital with severe injuries that needed in-patient care. In other words, they didn't see it coming. And for a lot of them, only verbal abuse, or emotional abuse precluded this kind of violence.

Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are not to be taken for granted. 

FURTHER READING

The Psychology of Revenge (and Vengeful People)

When it comes to watching your back, hone in on narcissism and anger. - by Peg Streep, and reviewed by Matt Huston  for Psychology Today
excerpt:

     ... Not everyone is inclined to vengeance and some are much more inclined than others; additionally, certain emotions, such as anger, are much likely to up the possibility of revenge as well. People who set great store by their reputations, for example, are more likely to seek revenge if they feel they and their honor have been unfairly impugned. But the clear top-scorer on the vengefulness scale is the person high in narcissistic traits. Up next? The one high in neuroticism.

     The narcissist and revenge

     One study by Ryan P. Brown explored the link between lack of forgiveness and vengefulness; was being unforgiving a guarantee of revenge? It was true enough that people high in forgiveness were low in vengefulness, but being unforgiving per se didn’t predict vengefulness. The deciding factor? Narcissism. The people most hell-bent on revenge were both low in forgiveness and high in narcissistic traits.  ...

Narcissists = REVENGE-Seekers - Dr. Rhoberta Shaler for Help for Toxic Relationships (You Tube)

NOTE

I hope this post wasn't too link-heavy for you, but I thought the links were important to understand so that it wouldn't look like an opinion piece. 

FOUND ON FACEBOOK

Is Blatant Favoritism of a Child by a Narcissistic Parent a Sign of Abuse? Comes With a Discussion on Scapegoating

 (edited)

When does favoritism become abuse? To get some answers, I turned to Google Search and Google AI. What I found from Google AI was this (written in dark red):

Favoritism, while sometimes an unintended consequence of personal preferences or rapport, can become abusive when it creates a consistently unequal and harmful environment for those not favored, impacting their well-being, opportunities, and overall sense of worth. 

Here's how favoritism can cross the line into abusive behavior:

In families

Defensiveness and justifications for unfair treatment: Parents who exhibit favoritism may become defensive when confronted about their behavior, offering excuses for the preferential treatment of one child over others.

Unfavored children struggling for affirmation: One child may constantly strive for parental approval without success, while the favored child receives abundant and often undeserved affirmation and privileges.

Creating a sense of entitlement in favored children: Favored children may develop inflated views of themselves, feeling entitled and believing that rules don't apply to them, which can impact their relationships and behavior in the long run.

Diminishing self-esteem in unfavored children: Unfavored children may develop a negative self-image, feel defeated, and struggle with low self-esteem and even depression.

Excessive praise for one child and criticism for others: When a parent consistently praises one child while ignoring or criticizing others, it can create a toxic dynamic where some children feel constantly undervalued.

Negative impact on the favored child: Even favored children can experience negative consequences, such as pressure to maintain a "perfect" image, difficulty with intimate relationships, and feelings of guilt due to resentment from siblings.

Strained sibling relationships: Favoritism can lead to deep-seated resentment and jealousy among siblings, creating lasting rifts in their relationships. 

In the workplace

Undermining meritocracy: When promotions, opportunities, or rewards are based on personal relationships rather than performance, it can demotivate employees and create a sense of injustice, according to Fisher College of Business.

Lowering morale and engagement: Employees who perceive favoritism may feel undervalued and disengaged, leading to decreased job satisfaction and commitment to the organization.

Leading to resentment and conflict: Favoritism can breed resentment among colleagues, potentially causing conflicts and harming teamwork.

Increased turnover: Talented individuals may leave an organization where they feel undervalued and believe they lack fair opportunities for advancement, notes the Global Coach Group.

Risk of discrimination and legal issues: When favoritism is based on protected characteristics like race, gender, age, disability, or religion, it becomes illegal discrimination.

Creating a toxic work environment: Favoritism can contribute to a toxic workplace culture where negative behaviors are normalized, impacting employee well-being and productivity. 

In essence, favoritism becomes abusive when it consistently undermines an individual's worth, denies them fair opportunities, and negatively impacts their emotional and psychological well-being. It creates an environment where personal biases overshadow objective criteria and fair treatment, leading to lasting harm for those subjected to it. 

But why does this happen? What does a parent get out of blatantly favoring one child over another?

For that answer, I turned to this Psychology Today article. Here is an excerpt from the article (again, written in dark red):

What is critical is that all children trust that they are loved and appreciated for what makes them special. Love is unconditional, whereas favoritism is not. Favoritism depends upon children behaving in ways that gratifies parents.

I also turned to Quora and found this:

     Favouritism is in and of itself not abnormal, but favouritism that results in abandonment, comparison, and emotional neglect IS abuse.
     All parents have some slight favouritism, but if they’re actively keeping a child under valued then yes.

The one thing that the answer does not include is scapegoating. If a child is scapegoated, then it can be described as an egregious form of "favoritism abuse" because it is usually a number of family members using one child for blame, blame shifting, silencing and many other kinds of abuse from physical abuse, mental abuse (which includes a lot of manipulation by other family members, especially gaslighting, prejudice and the abuses I write about featured in the right column of this blog and continuing to this page). 

But what do parents get out of it? What could possibly be a positive outcome for them, considering that these kinds of abuses can destroy their child, or at least make them depressed and retreating, and destroy the relationship with their child because what child wants to live a life of defending oneself all of the time, explaining to deaf ears, and in self-protection mode?

You can even see how favoritism could turn ugly, and into a form of abuse by siblings. It might start with the favored child keeping the scapegoat child "out of commission" or it might start with the parent. The parent might try to get the favored child to co-discipline, co-abuse or to be a co-conspirator as a way to support the parent in keeping the scapegoat under-valued, silenced, invalidated and unimportant. 

This is where parental narcissism and psychopathy come into play.  Here is a run down of what a parent might get out of it:

* As a Baiting Technique to get an Emotional Reaction Out of a Scapegoat, and as a Technique to Get All Siblings Fighting for "Favoritism Rewards":
     Narcissists, on the whole, don't like it when they favoritize a child and their other children don't notice, or their other children are too involved with projects, friends, school, hobbies and other activities to care much. Maybe they never liked the favorite child, or they found him to be a liar, or too wrapped up with the parent to have much of a relationship with, or because they find him to be too much of a sycophant and don't respect him because of that (children and adults tend to be disgusted by the sycophantic behavior of others). 
     So in order for the parent to get narcissistic supply (attention), they have to "up" the obviousness of preferring one child over another. 
     Let's say that "upping attention" on the golden child doesn't work either, at least in terms of "the amount" of narcissistic supply they are getting from all of their other children.
     Something has to be more obvious about the favoritism to get their other children working harder for parental attention, approval and affection. 
     What often happens is rewards: the golden child (the favorite) gets more rewards, and most of the other children get fewer rewards to the point where it may even be straddled this way: most rewarded (golden child), sometimes (family mascot), a little less (lost child) and none (scapegoat). 
     Now the children notice this because it is very obvious; it's not just a feeling the parent has of liking one child more, but a downright policy. 
     This may or may not spark competition between all of the siblings depending on whether and how much they are able to win this game, and whether they want to play it. 
     Because of the rigidity of roles, no child other than the golden child wins this game very well. They can either get brutalized by their siblings, especially if "the winning" is unjust, or the hard work of one of the children is overlooked, or if there is any sycophancy involved (and usually there is), if there is any sibling abuse involved, perpetrated by the more sycophantic children (and usually there is), and if the parent always sees their child in terms of these unchanging roles (and usually they do), and if the parent only sees their children as narcissistic supply givers (and usually they do). 
     This is a pretty dangerous game to initiate between children, but often narcissists aren't aware of it, and they don't particularly care either because narcissistic supply from this game always comes first. 
     Where the baiting comes in for the scapegoat is usually in this way:
     Scapegoats give up on trying to win this game or even of participating in it way before their other siblings. And the further they get from the game, the more disgusting it seems to them. Most of them, anyway. The more traumatized scapegoats don't even particularly notice the game; they have always felt more "outside of the family" than in it because of how they are treated: often with contempt. So the thinking here would go more in the direction of: "I'm not part of this game because I could never win it anyway. Mom (or Dad) hate me anyway. This game isn't even appealing to begin with. Everyone is fighting." 
     For those scapegoats who are disgusted by how their siblings are all stepping on each other, and over each other, and fighting with each other to get approval and rewards, these scapegoats start telling of the flaws of the game instead, which enrages most narcissistic parents because they expect their children to notice the game enough to want to compete in it, but not notice it enough where they see any flaws in the game. Also finding flaws in the game is a threat to their parent's ego and grandiose vision of themselves as being an excellent parent.
     In other words, by focusing on "the flaws of the game", it's basically saying their parent is a  "manipulator", which would be true, but narcissists feel they can't be criticized without going into a rage, so into a rage they go, and often abuse the scapegoat over a perfectly healthy response to this dog-eat-dog competition between siblings. 
     Most scapegoats do end up revealing and talking about the game inside and outside the family. There is a reason why scapegoats are often referred to as "the truth tellers" of the family. This would be one reason. And for a family who is living in the bowels of this much narcissism, truth is not appreciated unless there are other siblings who want to drop out of the game.
     So in order for the parent to get narcissistic supply from a scapegoat, they'll have to count on negative narcissistic supply instead of positive narcissistic supplies. Positive narcissistic supplies are flattery, sycophancy, elevating the narcissist's status and power, and brainwashed suppliers. Negative narcissistic supply is baiting a subject into being afraid, hurt, upset, angry, and often stonewalled, insulted, hated and neglected. When narcissists can't feel any positive narcissistic supplies coming from their children, the parent will revert to getting negative narcissistic supplies instead.
     The one thing narcissists don't see is that all of this flattery and sycophancy can be a manipulation, a manipulation between siblings, and a manipulation of the parent in order to get rewards. So it teaches manipulation, and that relationships are transactional. The transactional part is that the child is rewarded for "the right kind of narcissistic supply" or the child is punished for the "wrong kind of narcissistic supply". Once a child adopts enough manipulative behavior, and is doing his own transactions in this way, he's in danger of becoming another narcissist. 
     When it comes to the scapegoat, negative narcissistic supply is achieved by attacking and baiting the scapegoat. 
     The baiting and attacks go like this:
     * starting erroneous arguments and erroneous blaming sessions with the scapegoat. They either pick something they "think" will elicit guilt from the scapegoat, however small, or if necessary, made up.  
     * aggressive emotional outbursts at the scapegoat
     * blaming them when a sibling hurts them ("You brought this upon yourself!" and other sayings ... remember that scapegoating is about blame shifting, taking blame off of themselves and other family members they put on a higher hierarchy and giving it to the scapegoat). 
     * lots of criticism and contempt
     * trying to make the scapegoat feel insignificant, or ignored, or unwanted
     * trying to lecture them about negative traits they are perceived to have (some of them will be made up - common)
     * trying to convince them that they are crazy (gaslighting) and that the only way to be "un-crazy" is to be a sycophant of the narcissistic parent
     * starting smear campaigns about their child which have a little truth to them, but are mostly lies; telling others that their scapegoat child is crazy and should not be talked to or listened to
     * for overt grandiose narcissists, trying to get the scapegoat to say "I have a great parent", and for covert vulnerable narcissists, trying to get the scapegoat to feel sorry for them. Either way, it's a pleading attempt to get the child to focus on the narcissist and the narcissist's feelings rather than on the games the narcissist is playing. 
     * trying anything to get scapegoats involved in the game rather than looking from the outside of it by distracting them with baiting them for negative emotional responses (which, when looked at from the outside, also adds up to being manipulated).
     * for malignant narcissists, sadism and sadistic acts.
     It still does not garner the results that narcissists want. 
     For one thing, all of this contributes to a scapegoat getting traumatized. The more traumatized they become, the more retreating they will do in terms of the parent and the game, the more disassociating they will do, the less they'll want or need approval from the parent in terms of getting any narcissistic supply for themselves.  
     Scapegoats tend either to be not addicted to narcissistic supply for the very reason that they are very rarely rewarded, or they are so vilified, even if falsely, and feel so entrapped in vilification and symptoms from trauma. Some scapegoats go into a radical acceptance frame of mind, keeping their own dreams alive of a better life ahead, or until they feel they can escape effectively. Some of them commit suicide, or have enough suicidal thoughts and trauma symptoms as to be largely disabled by them, mostly manifesting in obvious ways around puberty to age 16 years old.
     Another reason scapegoats feel they aren't dependent on narcissistic supply, is that in contrast, their narcissistic parent may have grown up giving narcissistic supply (or approval or flattery) to their own parent, and got rewarded for it. It's the Pavlov Dog's theory.
     Somehow they got rewarded a lot by someone anyway. 
     This also has a lot to do with why narcissists take criticism so hard (they associate it with being "unrewarded"). 
     For scapegoats, Pavlov's Dog theory doesn't exist. 
     However, for the parent, they don't realize this. Thus they always expect rewards if they flatter their scapegoat, or give them some breadcrumbs as an attempt to keep them in the game, even if they are floating off into their own minds, hopes and dreams most of the time.
     Why would any kind of approval or disapproval work when a parent is so wrong at assessing the scapegoat, including all of the smear campaigns which are even more wrong than anything the narcissist says directly to the scapegoat? It's an eye-rolling event for most scapegoats.
     So a lot of scapegoats, maybe even a majority of them, do not look for approval from their narcissistic parent, nor care whether their narcissistic parent approves or disapproves of them, or is on yet another "bender" of disapproving of someone (and these kinds of parents are always negative on many others in their life too, and often for similar reasons, with lies and false narratives part of the story). 
      Thus the reason why giving or withdrawing narcissistic supply to a scapegoat (and these can be drastic yo-yo events), is because so much is made up about the scapegoat, including traits they don't have, things they don't do, words they don't say, motives they don't have, and fights they did not start. They come away from the experience feeling "not known", and "invisible", with disapprovals that have no impact other than that they are invisible.
     The scapegoat, especially one who has other non-narcissistic adults in their life, is going to come away from a lot of it thinking, "Who cares what my parent thinks!"
     Thus the scapegoat becomes independent minded (the most unaddicted to narcissistic supply in the whole family) and the golden child the most addicted to it. 
     That doesn't prove that fighting a competition game with your siblings is a good idea. 
     Major fail!

* Getting Sadistic Pleasure out of "Disfavoring":
     Sadism can also be described as negative narcissistic supply. The narcissist or psychopath has largely given up getting positive narcissistic supply, so he (or she) counts on negative narcissistic supply: getting someone else upset, or angry, or fearful, or begging, or disgusted, or wanting justice, and the perpetrator making sure it is all in the hands of himself, that only he will control the outcome.  
     Narcissists who don't get much positive narcissistic supply, or have long or frequent narcissistic collapses can go psychopathic (the secondary type of psychopathy, often referred to as sociopathy). 
     When narcissist's shame gets activated, and when they keep falling from grace, they go into a shame-rage cycle. What this means is that when their shame is activated, they rage, unlike the rest of us who feel hurt instead. For the collapsed narcissist, this can take on a more menacing quality: revenge and retaliation, even if their victim is innocent or a seven year old. 
     If the narcissist has no remorse, and shows no empathy for having made you suffer, then they have entered the realm of psychopathic traits or psychopathic personality disorders (often referred to as Antisocial Personality Disorder). 
     Usually signs of sadism mean they get their narcissistic supply from a lot more negative narcissistic supply than positive narcissistic supply, particularly from instilling fear as well as unjustified and unjust punishing of their victims. 
     Sadism can also mean they have given up on getting positive narcissistic supply, and have decided that negative narcissistic supply will do. It's still attention, and the reward centers of the brain can react in a positive way from seeing someone afraid of them or traumatized by injustice. 
     Young male school shooters in their early twenties are usually collapsed narcissists with heavy doses of paranoia. 
     Child abductors and parents who practice false imprisonment and on-going abuse of a child usually prefer negative narcissistic supply too. 
     For narcissists who display both grandiose narcissistic traits and psychopathic traits, they rely on positive narcissistic supply to get them into power (popularity with future faking), and then display negative calloused revenge oriented traits once in power, particularly to anyone who opposes what they are doing, in order to keep themselves in power. "Divide and conquer" is another stand-out trait you will see. 
     In terms of scapegoats who tend to be "unfavored", a parent who gets off on the negative emotions of a scapegoat child is going to have some psychopathic traits. The more obvious the favoritism is to the point of neglecting and abusing the scapegoat, laughing or getting calm when the scapegoat cries over issues of injustice, stonewalling when the scapegoat wants to talk about the favoritism, and in general, any kind of satisfaction that a parent gets out of the suffering of the scapegoat by the favoritism, you can bet that parent has psychopathic traits. 
     Complaining, and telling a parent you are hurt because of the favoritism is not going to do any good; it's how the parent gets their narcissistic supply, your being hurt over the issue. Not only will this not be resolved so that you will feel "less hurt", but the parent will "up" the favoritism, "up" the hurting to new intensities and different forms of it, and then flaunt more favoritism. 
     If that's not a sign of sadism and psychopathy, I don't know what is. 
     In addition, scapegoats who are discarded from their family after they bring up the favoritism issue, and the narcissistic parent is not showing any care or empathy for where their child is or how they are faring after the discard, and is actually acting as though they are really enjoying it, and having fun with it, and laughing about it, and deriding the scapegoat more, has psychopathic traits; you can count on it. 
     The presence of sadism is, unfortunately, a sign the parent is too deep into their personality disorders to change or have remorse at any time afterwards.
     If they want you back (usually many years or decades after they've discarded you - that's the trend of hoovering for narcissists with psychopathic traits), and show remorse, you can almost always count on it being "fake remorse" with more egregious abuse to follow. 
     The only reason for this kind of parent to want you back is because they need to keep you in a scapegoat role, and feel you have escaped it too much for their comfort, or because they feel they need a scapegoat with your qualities (maybe you accepted the scapegoat role in the past more than your siblings are willing to fulfill the role).

* As a Baiting Technique to Mind-control and Brainwash:
     The idea here is similar to the "competition game" with siblings to get narcissistic supply from the parent by fighting with your siblings in order to get it. 
     By the narcissistic parent focusing conversations with the scapegoat on everything that is right with the golden child, and why they favor them so much, they hope to influence the scapegoat to act more like the golden child. They hope that this will mean the scapegoat will be constantly searching for approval and affection from the parent just like the golden child is, constantly seeking positive reinforcement from the parent like the golden child is, letting the parent make all of the decisions for them just like the golden child does, and so on. 
     But this requires that the scapegoat see the golden child like the parent does. But often they don't see the golden child in anything close to the idealized way that the parent sees. 
     Again narcissists indulge in behaviors where the role of the child is way more important than who the child is, and what the child really thinks and feels, so how the parent perceives the golden child can be drastically different than how a scapegoat experiences the same golden child. 
     If the scapegoat experiences the golden child as menacing, duplicitous, disgustingly sycophantic, and/or contemptuous, then it won't work, and rarely does a parent care to know how one child is experiencing another one of their children. The only thing that matters to them is whether their child is acting more like the golden child. 
      So, let us say that no progress is being made. The scapegoat child isn't turning themselves inside out to mimic the golden child. It is the more common outcome. The scapegoat wants to be loved for themselves, not make themselves into someone else.
     This is not to say that there aren't any scapegoat children who mimic, but they aren't common. In fact, I have a post started on this subject, and most of the time if there is mimicking by a scapegoat, it's  because the golden child is exceptionally talented, high-achieving or paraded around by the parent in beauty pageants or some kind of sport. This kind of golden child isn't bullying or menacing either for a scapegoat to want to "be them". This presents a host of other kinds of issues that narcissists don't consider and won't be happy with, but for the meantime, I will leave that discussion to that other post. 
     Anyway, since most narcissistic parents can't seem to make their scapegoat turn themselves inside out to be "just like the golden child", narcissists will always choose the punishing route when their manipulations do not work. 
     So the punishing route is to try to brainwash the scapegoat into thinking that they, the scapegoat, has all kinds of negative qualities compared to the golden child. In other words the parent tries to separate them: the golden child is all that is good, and has all of the qualities that are required by the parent, and the scapegoat is all bad (and crazy too, as all scapegoats are called crazy even when they aren't). 
     This can be a day in and day out experience for the scapegoat. 
     "Oh, here we go again! Your drawings are terrible. Look at your brother's! You shouldn't even try."
     "You're so sure of yourself! Your sister is a lot more humble. Why aren't you?"
     "Another B! Don't show me that when you are just as capable as your sister of getting an A."
     "I always knew you were more stupid than your brother."
     "You don't stand a chance. Your brother is way ahead of you now because you didn't try hard enough." 
     "You'll never be a 'great anything'. In fact, I'll put my money on it that your brother is way more successful in life than you. You're too flawed and disappointing to be great."
     It's ground into them constantly, all of these comparisons and negative judgements. I have listed a lot of the negative comments that scapegoats receive from their narcissistic parents HERE. 
     In a lot of religions, there are clauses to "not judge." A lot of religions were about keeping people in the faith, keeping children in their families, stabilizing society. Judgements tear people apart because they are, in effect, contempt. And of all the four horseman of the Apocalypse (the deciding factor of which relationships will fall apart), contempt will assure that the relationship will not survive. 
     When you are deemed to be so "flawed" that it is the only thing a parent sees about you, and a scapegoat takes those judgements seriously, they interpret it as contempt. They can work on plans to leave or run away. They can and do commit suicide over it too. In fact, suicidal thoughts are more likely than turning themselves inside out to be exactly like the golden child, a golden child they may not want to be anything like. 
     And believe it or not, for the sickest narcissists, suicides are another source of narcissistic supply with more false narratives.
     The other alternative to suicide is the same route I've discussed before: the scapegoat stops caring about whether their parent approves of them or not. The parent's false narratives will assure the scapegoat won't care, and listening to how they are so flawed won't work either if false narratives pepper the story. Plus the contempt will assure a "gone scapegoat" and a "broken damaged relationship".  
     The other thing that narcissistic parents do is, as I've said before, is to try to brainwash their scapegoats that they are crazy and can't understand reality and that they need to follow the constant directions, advice and commands of the parent so that they don't make mistakes. This isn't just relegated to their child's childhood years, but throughout life. The ultimate reason a parent would do this is to have complete control over the child at all times: what the child does, what they say, who they talk to, what they talk about - the narcissistic parent wants to control all of it. Trying to isolate the child from other familial relationships is all part of the agenda, as well as smear campaigns about the scapegoat's mental health behind that child's back. So a lot of betrayal is part of gaslighting a child. 
     Assuming the child gets brainwashed to think they are so crazy that they have no free will, it will damage a child's ability to form a free will, to ward off other predators and narcissists, as well as create the idea that they cannot survive in the world because they are crazy. I go into the issues of gaslighting a child in this post (under the gaslighting category towards the bottom of the page). 
     I'm not sure this is all manipulation either since all narcissists do this to their scapegoat child (it is just one of those weird anomalies that all narcissists with Narcissistic Personality Disorder share). Scapegoats can show symptoms of trauma, and that can be interpreted as "My child is crazy" by a narcissist. 
     But there is something consciously evil and intentional about gaslighting too, because it sounds less concerning and more contemptuous when narcissists are trying to brainwash in this way. They also tend to be abusive of children they deem to be crazy. Also because they are so addicted to power, control and domination, gaslighting provides an instant, easy and fast route to get to a place of absolute dominance and hidden abuse. 
     In terms of favoritism, scapegoats are often compared negatively to the golden child in terms of sanity, in terms of mental acuity, in terms of factual acuity, in terms of mental stamina, in terms of intelligence, and in terms of school grades (falling school grades are often influenced by the trauma of scapegoats). 
     If a scapegoat believes all of this, they know they will never get the positive treatment that the golden child gets because narcissists are typically prejudiced of people with mental illnesses, mental handicaps, children with falling grades, and they like to give their scapegoat children diagnoses and reasons why they are rejectable and a laughing stock because of their minds. 
     It takes only one parent or adult to get a scapegoat child to question why a parent is doing this. 
     Sometimes it's because a parent does not want to continue to parent their scapegoat child. They want an excuse to either abandon parenting or use neglectful parenting, and trying to promote the idea that their child is insane makes it a lot easier to do so.
     Telling everyone that their golden child is absolutely sane keeps their reputation intact because they aren't saying that about all of their children. 
     Whether the child gets brainwashed into thinking of themselves as insane is, again, dependent on a lot of factors. If they aren't called crazy in any other part of their life and relationships, then they feel simply betrayed and unloved instead. If their parent is using it with a lot of false narratives, then it isn't effective either. If the golden child is not a picture of sanity to the scapegoat, that will, again, mitigate the effectiveness of calling the scapegoat crazy compared to the golden child. With enough lies and false narratives by the parent and the golden child, children who are called crazy can either dissociate during those periods, or simply not trust what the parent has to say. 
     Being blamed for things they didn't do (gaslighting a child to think they do things they aren't aware of) will also mean the child won't respect what the parent has to say about them. 
     Many scapegoats don't realize the extent of the gaslighting until they spend most of their time with another adult, or when they go "no contact", or when they are bringing up their own child. 
     There is no reason to call a child crazy, even if it may be true, or especially when it is not true.
     A lot of narcissists like to use it as a form of prejudice and to silence their scapegoats. And they use it to compare them negatively to the golden child. 
     Psychologists think that gaslighting is the most egregious kind of abuse that narcissists do to their scapegoat children. It certainly is the most evil, but it's the kind of abuse that tends to work slowly and insidiously on a child and can be mitigated by other adults who are not convinced the child is insane, so I would still say that the Jekyll/Hyde behaviors of narcissists seem more immediately egregious and dangerous (in other words, trauma symptoms are immediate and noticeable, as well as their own responses, namely flight responses).  

* As a Baiting Technique to Keep Children in Role (the Golden Child as Supporter of the Parent, and the Scapegoat as the One to Carry the Family Member's Own Bad Traits and Motivations):
     You can see this in politics today where the leaders of a party accuse a number of politicians in the opposing party for the traits and activities of themselves. 
     Blame shifting and projection has always been a part of the enormous amounts of political blaming, shaming, shifting blame, hypocrisy and hatred. In fact, blame shifting and projection are seen as useful to staying in power. If something goes wrong, blame the past opposing party's administrations. It is all part of the "political game" as well as part of "political theater". 
     I'm often surprised that it works, at least in the short term, until it becomes an obnoxious pattern that hardly anyone likes.
     If you were to try to insist on co-operation, peace between the parties, reasonable government policies, projects, actions and discourse which takes the needs of all citizens into consideration, you'd probably be a scapegoat. It's like everything one party does has to be opposed in a huge way by the opposite party. It's like the unspoken rule is that the rift has to widen, not narrow.
     Granted there are drastically opposing views in the country, people who want very little government, an incredibly small tax burden, and a simple dictatorship with few, if any, government workers, and people who want big government, lots of safety nets, a compassionate government that helps those in need, and even more democratic solutions that aren't just decided by an oligarch of wealthy political donors.
     Trying to close the rift can set you up to be a scapegoat of one or both of them. Both will insist that you choose sides. 
     Because they find both "not choosing a side" and "choosing a side that is not enough on 'their side'", they will often "bait" you to make sure you stay in a scapegoat role until you choose to be a loyalist (a sycophant with all of the "talking points" of the political party). 
     In terms of the family, the same can be applied. If your parents are in continual opposition and they hate each other as vehemently as the two American parties do, what you say to close the gap won't be appreciated.
     This is why scapegoats often do not want any part of competitions inside the family (between their parents or between their siblings). They are burdened enough by being thrust into the scapegoat role to begin with, and they know they are going to lose no matter which side they choose, or which side they try to entreat to be fair and open-minded, or even just to explain something so that one parent understands the other parent better, or the siblings understand that there is an "opposition game" going on that one or both parents set up. It's the Karpman's Triangle made manifest.
     Usually when there is a Karpman's Triangle in family dynamics, it's a sign of toxicity. The more rigid the roles are in the triangle, the worse the toxicity is, especially for the scapegoat. 
     In terms of the triangle, scapegoats are often accused of being the persecutor (a lie, but it's only because someone wants them to choose sides). Often the push to choose sides puts the scapegoat in the role of mediator (the role of rescuer in the Karpman's triangle), ending up being the victim because the push to compromise and be reasonable is not accepted. 
     Narcissistic parents thrive on opposition, conflict, rifts, chaos and blame shifting (each of these tactics has their own link, by the way). This means they have a vested interest in not resolving conflicts, in not mediating, in not being reasonable and open to different perspectives. Their main agenda is power, control and domination and a narcissistic parent is going to look at mediation and resolving conflicts as "giving up power". It's also narcissistic supply for them, as again, negative narcissistic supply will do.
     For the rest of the family, however, it is crazy-making and traumatic.
     It's why a lot of narcissists are stuck with other narcissists and sometimes even psychopaths in old age because most people do not want to be part of a family of ongoing conflicts and made up chaos, least of all, scapegoats. 
     The end result if everyone stays is that the conflicts stay and widen into all kinds of other issues, usually between the parents and all of the siblings, and why the Karpman's Triangle is always part of family dynamics. As long as narcissists are in the family, the toxic triangle stays. 
     Since narcissists thrive on rifts, conflicts and blame shifting, it stands to reason that they are going to bait someone to keep the rifts, conflicts and blame shifting alive. 
     For narcissists, they engage in new conflicts with their scapegoats as a way to keep the scapegoats engaged, defending themselves, explaining themselves, and taking insults personally. Until a scapegoat  learns the DEEP method or realize that these conflicts are being used for the narcissistic supply of their parent, the scapegoat will usually engage in defending and explaining, until they, the scapegoat, no longer wants a life riddled with constant arguments and baiting by their narcissistic parent.
     Which is to say that narcissists will always create new conflicts for the scapegoat to face if the old ones are not serving them, the parent. So what do narcissists do to keep the conflicts and the scapegoat's defenses and explanations going?
     Bait the scapegoat. Any reaction to anything the narcissist can dig up, even false narratives will do because they are still "narcissistic supply" even if they are negative sources of it.
     This is just one reason abuse escalates. More conflicts are necessary because more narcissistic supply is necessary in terms of the narcissist's way of thinking. 
     Most baiting and hoovers with betrayals usually target the scapegoat of a narcissistic family. "What will upset my scapegoat the most? Why, I think showing blatant favoritism will upset him (or her) the most! In fact, I'll deprive them of almost everything, feed them all of the foods they hate, not give them attention or presents, send them to their room all of the time, while lavishing my golden child with all of the foods he (or she) loves, keeping them at the dinner table, lavishing most of my attention on them, and barely notice my scapegoat exists! That'll teach my scapegoat to give me more positive narcissistic supply! But I'll take them being upset if they can't see me as the best parent that ever lived!" - I'm not sure it is as conscious as this because there is a lot of black and white thinking that goes into scapegoating, so it may be at levels that are sub-conscious, and not be as manipulative as what I wrote  sounds, but there is certainly some manipulation. 
     And by the way, how is a scapegoat supposed to give them more positive narcissistic supply when they are treated like this? It's a type of narcissistic reasoning that seems particularly flawed and out of touch with real human behavior. No one who is sane is going to give positive narcissistic supply to someone who punishes and starves them out in this way; even narcissists wouldn't do it.     

* As an Expression of Hatred and Prejudice:
     There is some research that suggests narcissists are more prejudiced than other kinds of people.
     Having a scapegoat is a kind of prejudice. 
     Whether scapegoating one child or a whole group, the type of actions prejudiced folks take is similar. Narcissists take similar approaches in how they treat people from one narcissist to another. 
     Societal scapegoats are hated; family scapegoats are hated. There is a call to remove societal scapegoats; there is a call to shun a family scapegoat. Narcissists need societal scapegoats to divide and conquer and get more power; narcissists need a family scapegoat for the same reason. Narcissists can't take blame themselves, so when they are blamed, they deflect and have scapegoats to put the blame on instead, whether they be societal scapegoats or family scapegoats.
     Narcissists also tend to go along with a crowd in terms of who to hate. If they are surrounded by Democrats they will hate most Republicans. If they are Republican narcissists they will "go with the flow" with the latest prejudice - at the present time, Latinos, and especially Mexicans and undocumented workers, and in the past they may have hated African Americans.
     If they grew up in a family that rejected and disparaged women of a younger generation, they tend to go with the flow and reject and disparage women of a younger generation themselves. 
     Narcissists don't put much thought into who to hate. They simply hate people who are popular to hate in their given circle. They also hate people who don't agree with them and who don't go along with what they want. They look at others as either loyal to them or disloyal to them (loyal meaning "willing to be mind-controlled") without taking a second look into how disloyal they are all the way around. Narcissists aren't committed to people, to promises or much of anything or anyone. 
     In terms of favoritism, societal prejudice would look like "only whites in our organization". In terms of familial prejudice, "only men in the family", or "only people I favoritize", or "only people who are willing to be my sycophants."
     Most people find prejudice to be disgusting and morally objectionable, and narcissists generally know this. So they try to hide their prejudices and hatreds except with people who have the same views. Many of them sound like narcissistic politicians who like to disparage and insult other politicians from another political party.
     There isn't much difference when it comes to how they talk about their own family members, including their children from how they talk about a political party or leader they oppose.
     Familial prejudices are even more morally objectionable to most other people, so many narcissists make up stories or conspiracy theories to justify their hatred and rejection of their own children or anyone else in their family they don't like. Narcissists tend to be intolerant of a lot of people.
     Positivity about other people is not one of their strong suits. 
     Prejudice can be dangerous when you are the target, particularly when there is favoritism of people who are abusive and threatening towards you, and conspiracy theories (perspecticide) are involved. 

* As an Expression of Conspiratorial Thinking Patterns:
     Conspiratorial thinking often involves getting to the truth of a matter, but when the conspirator isn't  satisfied with the truth, it adds to making more conspiracies. 
     According to Todd Grande, a psychologist, this is most often the case. 
     This means that conspiracy theorists generally have a limited capacity for the truth, and a high capacity for confirmation bias. 
     When I asked Google search and Google AI "Do conspiracy theorists have a strong capacity for confirmation bias?" the answer was yes, with a lot of explanations as to why they do. 
     But what is the psychology of conspiracy theorists? 
     I found this article by Psychology Today on the subject. The key points in the article were these:
     * Conspiracy theories thrive on cognitive biases, mental shortcuts that allow us to make sense of the world.
     * "Proportionality bias," leads people to believe that significant events must have substantial causes.
     * In an environment with high mistrust in authorities, conspiracy theories can flourish.
     In terms of narcissists, they tend to be more conspiratorial than others. 
     While there is not a direct link towards conspiratorial thinking in psychopaths, some research suggests a positive correlation between certain aspects of psychopathy and belief in conspiracy theories. - quote taken from the linked article.
     So seeing that favoritism is both a narcissistic trait and can also be a dark triad trait for which narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism are part of the Dark Triad personality disorder, it stands to reason that the main perpetrators of the kind of favoritism that is abusive and scapegoating are going to come mainly from these two Cluster B Personality Disorders. Plus they are both likely to be conspiracy theorists with confirmation biases. 
     The combination of ingredients here, the conspiracy-type thinking patterns, with personality disorders, and confirmation bias, can also inspire violence and extremist views, making the combination of scapegoating, favoritism and rigid beliefs dangerous for a child, at least in terms of escalating abuse and violence.
     Again, prejudice also plays a role in who is a scapegoat, and familial prejudices play the biggest role, whether that is sexism, cultural differences, political differences, religious differences or racial differences. Who in the wider family is being abandoned, abused, not spoken to, talked about in derisive ways, is being referred to as having either mental health problems or problems with the law (with no facts to substantiate such claims), and what do they all have in common? That will probably lead you to where the family prejudices lie and to who is scapegoated and why they are scapegoated. Are they the young women in the family? Are they the artists in the family? Are they politically the most left-leaning members? Are they the most disabled members? Are they LGBTQ+ or in an inter-racial marriage? Are they wary of authoritarianism? Are they the most independent minded members, members who don't stick with a party line, but who explore different perspectives and statistics (intellectual prejudice)? - all of these are the most common scapegoats in narcissistic families in present times, however it can be almost anything the greater family has decided to fear, hate and reject.
     When we take prejudice, confirmation bias, a penchant to manipulate with black and white thinking about other people, meaning they see people in terms of "all good" and "all bad", the fact that narcissists and psychopaths lie and manipulate a lot to get their own way and literally live in a fantasy world because of that alone, it stands to reason that this would all influence conspiratorial thinking. It also explains why scapegoats can never get out of role without going "no contact" with their families of origin. Being stuck in a scapegoat role for the first 18 years of life is enough for one lifetime. Very few people can tolerate being a scapegoat for much longer than that without heavy consequences to their mental and physical health, the other relationships they are in, and as I've said, it can get dangerous, especially with siblings who are trying to "go along to get along" with an abusive parent.