When There is Favoritism of a Child in a Family, It is Usually a Sign There is an Abused Scapegoat Child Too. Comes With a Discussion for Teachers and Mandated Reporting.

 

"Trapped but Resilient"

c Lise Winne

This post is mainly written for teachers who are mandated reporters.
Note: I am a certified teacher and a mandated reporter who decided to research and study subjects on abuse. 

To get to the subject ... 

If you are a teacher, you are probably not going to find out who is a favored child by talking to a favorite child. Favorite children usually do not boast that they are a favorite. Some of the reasons for this are the following:
* "You're a Mommy's boy!" from jeering, teasing peers
* resentment from siblings
* shock and dismay from teachers
* disapproval of the favoritism by other parents 
* Parents who favor a child often deny that they do. 

In terms of abusive parents who use favoritism to hurt one or some of their children, it is often perpetrated by parents who display personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (the Cluster B personality disorders). Abuse can also be perspetrated by people with Cluster C personality disorders (dependent, abvoidant and obsessive compulsive). 

Since the Cluster B personality disordered perpetrate abuse more than those with Cluster C personality disorders, and because my blog is more focused on the Cluster B personality disorders, I will be referencing the Cluster B personality disorders for this particular post.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex disorder as there are four types of it, and one type can differ quite a bit from other types. One type can display abusive behaviors and another type can primarily express suicidal thoughts or behaviors, loner status, isolation, PTSD and depression to the point where they are too disabled to work or study. If you're not studied up on the four types, you may assume that all Borderlines are abusive if you know of a Borderline who is abusive. Or you might deny that Borderlines are abusive at all if you know of a Borderline who is suicidal and doesn't interact with many, if any, people, let alone partake in abusing them. 

To complicate matters Borderline Personality Disorder is often comorbid with other disorders. It can be comorbid with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, ADHD, Autism, PTSD, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety Disorder (very prevalent), Separation Anxiety Disorder (also very prevalent), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which can have many physical effects on the body and be painful, leading to Borderlines feeling hopelessness and self destruction), clinical depression (highly prevalent), suicidality (highly prevalent), eating disorders (also highly prevalent), and addiction (also highly prevalent). 

Because comorbidities are so highly prevalent among Borderlines, it makes it difficult to talk about them in terms of if they abuse, and how they abuse. A borderline with a comorbidity with Antisocial Personality Disorder is going to act quite differently than a Borderline with hopelessness, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and suicide ideation. 

There is nothing simple about talking about Borderline Personality Disorder in terms of how they abuse children (if they abuse them at all), as they can have comorbidities with the more unempathetic and violent types of Cluster B personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder, or have no comorbidities with these disorders at all and can show deep empathy for others. 

Most Borderlines have empathy, so that distinguishes them from the other Cluster B personality disorders. Their brain scans tend to be a little different than the other Cluster B personality types also and tend to have more in common with people with PTSD than the other Cluster B personality disorders. 

If I had to take a simplistic approach to how Borderlines abuse children, for those who do abuse, the simplistic take on it is that they tend to reactively abuse and primarily stick to emotional abuse. 

Some of them can abuse if someone disagrees with them, or if they feel they are in danger of being abandoned. However, people whom they believe are close to them and disagreeing with them can sometimes be seen by them as abandoning them too. In other words, Borderlines can become easily triggered and afraid of "the possibilities" of being abandoned.  

Do people with Borderline Personality Disorder show favoritism of children? Definitely yes, but again, this does not apply to all Borderlines.  

However, the more likely personality disorder to show favoritism are those people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And they tend to show it blatantly and do it cruelly, at least as far as the disfavored child is concerned. For them it is often a manipulative scheme, with a single-minded ambition for power, control and domination and narcissistic supply. Favoritism also tends to be transactional. They also tend to hurt disfavored children intentionally. In other words favoritism can come with a lot of abuse (not just from the parent, but the favorite sibling can partake in it too). 

As for the other Cluster B personality disorders, there is no research that indicates Antisocial Personality Disordered individuals have "favorites" beyond extortion, and for the Histrionic Personality Disordered folks, they are generally too inconsistent to have a consistent favorite child. 

If some of these personality disorders are comorbid with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is common (another link) then it is more likely. 

For the sake of awareness, it is good for any teacher to know the traits associated with the Cluster B Personality disorders, particularly from the DSM-5:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Antisocial Personality Disorder

Note: the statistics for people with Cluster B personality disorders in the general population only counts those who have been clinically diagnosed and reported, and since many people with these personality disorders do not seek help from mental health professionals, the numbers are probably much higher. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, an expert psychologist on narcissism, said that as many as 1 in 6 people in the United States could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder in one of her videos (meant to include narcissists who do not go to therapy and therefor never get diagnosed - this seems more accurate to me too than the 1 - 3 percent generally stated in textbooks ... however I would guess it is more like 10 percent). 

Anyway, to get back on-topic:

Since it is doubtful we teachers will ever learn of favoritism from a "favorite child" or a parent "who is favoring a specific child", we may learn about it from the child who is dis-favored and coming to us with complaints about it. 

Because I know that favoritism can come with abuse, and often does, I tended to take children who complained about favoritism seriously. Someimes it turned out to be a one-time situation, or did not warrant drastic action, but in general, I thought that issues of favoritism deserved constant vigilence and oversight to make sure the child was not being abused. 

But anyone could see how favoritism could be a set-up for abuse to happen. The favorite can get special privileges while the disfavored does not. The favorite can get to go on special trips with Mom or Dad,  while the disfavored is told to stay home.

And then it has a way of escalating from there unless the parent has a conscience and stops it: the favorite is constantly praised, while the dis-favored becomes the child who is constantly criticized. When one child is praised most of the time, and the disfavored child is enduring criticism most of the time, it's more or less when the abuse of the disfavored child begins. Since abuse almost always tends to escalate rather than de-escalate, I believe it is important to watch out for this first sign. 

How I tended to deal with "the favoritism issue" as a teacher:

I often tried to dig deeper to find out how the favoritism was being manifested. Was the favorite getting more resources while the child standing in front of me got less? Was the favorite getting more affection while the child talking to me got little or none? Was the favorite getting away with punching the child standing in front of me? Scratches? Verbal abuses? Were they called crazy at all? How many times? Were they singled out to be by themselves while the favorite was invited to be part of family activities? Were their feelings being ignored while the favorite's feelings were always taken into consideration? Were they blamed for what others did (DARVO'd)? 

Then I got into the physical abuse specifics. How were they touched by others in their family? I tried to dig deep if they were revealing any aggressive forms of touching (like punching, grabbing, scratching, biting, etc). 

How much were they blamed for things they didn't do, that the parent or a sibling did instead? How much were they made to take responsibility for what others do? Were they accused of having traits that the accuser(s) had (as this might show projection on the perpetrator's part, which is often an indication of Cluster B personality disorders)?

If I felt it warranted a report to Child Protective Services, that is what I did. 

This is to say that a child talking about the favoritism of a sibling rang the first alarm bells for me as to whether they were being abused in their family of origin or not (and most of the children who talked about favoritism of a sibling largely were). 

Usually when there is favoritism of a sibling, there is a scapegoat in the family too. I am providing some articles and links below that address that issue, as well as two Google AI articles (where you can access other articles on the subject through the articles). 

The other thing I noticed about child scapegoats being abused is that when answering questions, they were emotional and appeared exhausted when giving the answers.

If they got into a "I can't tell" phase with their answers, I tried to find a backdoor way of getting an answer. For instance, if I asked whether they were punched, they might tell me that they can't say, or that they don't want to talk about it, so I'd let it go, but then as I gained their trust, the backdoor way I got an answer was to ask, "If you get punched by someone, how do react?" ... "How do you protect yourself?" ... "How do you make plans to keep safe?" ...

Then that might lead to other questions such as: "How do you think this problem can be solved, or do you think there is no way to solve it?" ... "Has any grownup ever defended you?" ... "Does any grown up listen to your concerns and what do they do after you have told them that you feel hurt by their actions?" ... "Has your sibling always been a favorite, or does it pass around to you sometimes? And are you treated better during those times, or does it just seem like you are the favorite because your parent is trying to punish your sibling?" .... "Does the favoritism go back to the prior favorite sibling when they do what your parent wants?" ... "Do you feel seen or heard, or do you feel invisible?" ... "What do your parents punish you for?" Note: if it's something like a look on their face, their tone of voice, accusing them of feeling or thinking in certain ways, or accusing them of evil plans to hurt others - that is a huge red flag! I would not ignore this, because so often it is "perpetrator fantasy", an excuse to abuse - perpetrators who have fantasies about what their victims are feeling and thinking escalate abuse very rapidly - they are more prone to act out abuse fantasies that bring them "sadistic pleasure" than other types of abusers do (it's in the link) - and since teachers are usually mandated reporters (with not enough training, in my opinion, or enough workshops in up-to-date research), it is really, really important to know what children are being punished for and whether it resembles anything like this. 

And finally I would ask: "Does your parent ever apologize for the hurt they have caused you? And how long does that apology last in your opinion?" and "Does your sibling ever apologize for the hurt they caused you and how long does that apology last in your opinion?" 

These are just some of the questions I asked when teaching kids who let me know in some way that there was trouble at home. When younger children are acting out, I think it is important to get to the bottom of "why". Some will say, "I'm just a bad kid." Or "I'm just crazy" or "I'm going to try hard not to act that way. Can I go now?" I don't think any of these are good enough answers in the least bit. They may have been taught to think that way about themseves or to say that. So questioning gets to the bottom of what is truly ailing them, and how they think about things. 

"I care about how you feel and think about things" sometimes works wonders ... I often got sheepish or teary smiles when saying that. If you find out they are abused, probably very few people are caring what they think or feel.

I usually pointed out good qualities that I saw in them too, even if they had the reputation of being "a bad kid".

I think that if you focus on the good qualities of children, that gives them a future incentive and the beginning thought processes to focus on those qualities. The more you focus on those qualities, the more they will too.

If they were teenagers, I focused on their potential, their talents, their intelligence, and suggested activities that they might be interested in, and if they showed a lot of interest in something, I might mention a few careers, although I left a lot of that to guidance counselors as that is their specialty. However, the one thing about a teacher starting the conversation about careers, it shows that you have confidence in them, that they can "make it" in those careers. That kind of focus can continue to help them to think of the future instead of the present ("life as an adult"). 

Abused children and teenagers often think of themselves as losers, that they can't do anything right. Many of them are taught that they are inept - abuse is primarily a power and control issue, and if a parent or caretaker can convince a child that they are inept, it gives the parent or caretaker greater control to make life-long decisions for the child.

Obsessing over gaining more power and control is a "hallmark narcissistic trait" which often carries other issues like lack of empathy for their child, being antagonistically inclined, and a parent can blame shift on to a child when they exhibit unethical behaviors as a way to avoid their own accountability, and a host of other issues that can lead them to abuse their child (called narcissistic abuse, although narcissistic abuse usually escalates to other forms of abuse).  

Many people who seek more and more power and control, and put that agenda first in their lives, treat their children in such a way that will damage or break their child's self esteem, especially if the child is put in a scapegoat role.

Children often feel helpless, inept and hopeless to change their self esteem because part of being in a scapegoat role is that they are criticized a lot for what they don't do (unfairly blamed). They can often feel there is no way out of the constant unfair blaming and shaming, and no action to take to change the trajectory of their parent's bad opinions of them.

But if you have the time as a teacher to teach them something different about themselves, then that can be an impetus for them to think they are more special and valuable to others than they hitherto believed, rather than only valuable for the sake of a sunken self esteem in their families.

I will say it is an uphill battle to get them from sinking again and again into a lousy self esteem, especially if they are going home every night just to have it bashed up again, but I will say that I felt I  had some success, as a teacher in building some of it back up, especially if I kept reminding them of their best qualities.

Granted it worked better for younger children than for teenagers, but teenagers still have the ability to dream, to perk up when feeling valued, to imagine a life of being accepted, to feel they have something to offer than just a walking-on-eggshells, repressed, and a silenced persona with no traits other than what other people give them in a hounding or bullying way. 

The other thing you get by continuing to focus on their better qualities is a better behaved child because they aren't as likely to get attention and reactions by "being bad".

A good paying career and better self esteem can also be a way not to "have to put up with" abuse and low self esteem entrapments, and teenagers are aware of this, at least on some level.

Again, their focus on the abuse at home hijacks their mind to think only in the present: how to deal with the abuse, how to defend themselves, how to get away from the abuse, how the abuse is making them feel "hunted down", how the abuse is continuing to make them feel in general (or destroy them - a lot of abused teenagers feel hollowed out). 

A lot of abused children also feel they are being treated as though they are much younger than their age. In other words, they are treated as though they are seven when they are seventeen. 

When you focus on the fact that they'll be adults in xx amount of years and that skills will help them to survive as an adult, it challenges them to look at themselves as 17 again, rather than as a child (it's an ingognito way of saying "You aren't seven any more, and I'm not treating you like you are seven).

During school hours, they can start to imagine a future without emotional abuse, where they are in charge of their own lives, interests and ambitions if they are not too gripped with fear about what they will encounter at home.

If they felt competitive with the "favored sibling", I usually asked questions like this (mainly to teenagers): "Do you think your parents or a sibling set up a competition between you? Or is it something you actually and honestly feel is being generated in yourself?" I find that abused children really do not feel competitive, unless they feel they have a chance at some sort of advantage, and most of them don't. Possibly because the scapegoat role is a role which basically makes this clear: "You're the lowest on the hierarchy and I'm going to make sure that you stay there."

There are children who are so abused they don't even know that they are being set up to compete, who try to mediate and compromise a way forward instead so that both people are happy with the outcome. 

If they are from a narcissistic family, that just won't work.

If these teenagers did feel competition with a sibling, I told them that it could end by focusing on their own positive traits, talents, etc., and that it could be more of a choice of theirs on whether or what to compete about, or whether to distance themselves from the sibling. And guess what? When given that choice, most abused children prefer not to compete, and to distance instead. 

In fact, with teenagers in particular, I was focused on their adulthood a lot, and the temporariness of the teenage years. "You'll be out of here in two years, right? What skills would you like to acquire before leaving here so you can live your best life?" - I doubt that highly emotionally abused teenagers are asked these kinds of questions in their families, or even think about these questions. Again, their minds are hijacked with: "How do I keep safe? How do I get them to stop? What do I need to do to keep from being abused? How can I talk about the abuse without the abuse getting worse? I just wish they'd stop already."

Unfortunately, abuse escalates (usually no matter what).

I would like better emotional abuse laws in the USA, but for the meantime, we teachers only have present laws to work with.

Granted, school psychologists can make a big impact and should be part of any of these types of conversations, but since the USA has such poor emotional abuse laws, emotional abuse can go unaddressed aside from what schools can do to open up possibilities of a better future.

However, since abuse escalates, it's best to keep an eye on students who are emotionally abused, knowing that escalation is probably going to be going up. Once any physical abuse by siblings or parents start, then Child Protective Services will step in and give the family ultimatums, or take the child out of the home. Usually. So much depends on the state, the jurisdiction and the type of abuse taking place.

At any rate, before Child Protective Services can do anything (because of being hand-tied by present laws about emotional/psychlogical abuse even though emotional/psychological abuse is incredibly damaging and can have the longest effects), I felt duty-bound to help students who had the attitude of "I'm being told I'm nothing, so I guess I have no future." What a terrible thing to carry around in a place of learning skills, and a waste of human potential!

I think it is up to teachers that students see their potential and for students to reach goals they've set to be a highly functioning adult. 

Children should not be groomed to have a horrible self esteem, but tell that to any abuser. They don't care. Shame is what they prefer to dish out instead, and shame is what they will continue with. 

The best way for children to flourish and have a life that is meaningful, fulfilling, ethical and healthy is for them not to be abused. 

SOME FACTS AND WARNING SIGNS TO KEEP IN MIND

Characteristics of a family scapegoat

Characteristics of a child scapegoat with PTSD

How to tell if a child is being scapegoated in their family

Characteristics of abused children with very low self esteem

How to tell if a child is at risk for suicide

Abused scapegoat children often complain about favoritism of a sibling by a parent

Scapegoats often feel like they can't talk

Scapegoats often feel like they can't talk about the abuse they endure for fear of repurcussions

Scapegoats often feel they have to be silent about their pain

A radical drop in school grades is an indicator a child may be abused

Abused children often talk about the fact that they can't sleep

Abused childen often complain about stomach aches

Abused children often complain about headaches

Abused children often have a drastic change in weight

Abused children often complain about not feeling well

Abused children often seem distracted and confused

Abused children often appear as though they have learning disabilities

Abused children often cry easily

Abused children are often called crazy by their family

Abused children are often referred to as liars by their family

Abused children are often referred to as "too sensitive" by family members

Abused children often complain they are lonely

Abused children often complain they are being isolated from the family

Abused children can complain about neglect

Abused children may appear older than their age

Abused children cry more easily when they see pain in others

Abused children can suffer from a lack of identity

Abused children often show creative aptitude

A child who is crying from trauma is not the same as normal crying. How to tell the difference. 

Abusive parents often lack empathy

What are the signs of emotionally immature parents?

Can child abuse happen more easily with emotionally immature parents? 

Do a lot of immature parents have attachment trauma? Yes.

How to deal with emotionally immature parents - as a teacher

Dealing with difficult parents - for teachers

Dealing with a student's revelations about emotional or verbal abuse - for teachers

Dealing with a student's revelations about child abuse - for teachers

Six tips for teachers who see emotional abuse

Approximately 11 - 33% of girls are sexually abused before the age of 18. 

Approximately one in six boys is sexually abused before the age of 16. 

Approximately one in four children experiences some form of abuse or neglect over their lifetime

Infants and young children are at the highest risk for maltreatment and have the highest fatality rates from abuse

Fatal child abuse warnings

Article on: "Usually when there is favoritism of a child in a family, there is also a scapegoat child too" -  from Google AI copied in dark red (as of Nov. 2025; go through the link for present updates and articles):

Yes, favoritism in a family is often accompanied by a scapegoat, as these roles often coexist in dysfunctional family dynamics. In this pattern, one child is the "golden child," who is favored and praised, while another is the "scapegoat," who is unfairly blamed and criticized for the family's problems. This dynamic serves to project the family's issues onto one child while elevating another, creating a system where the scapegoat takes the blame and the golden child avoids it. 

Characteristics of the roles

The golden child

* Is favored and can do no wrong

* Has the family's hopes projected onto them

* May feel pressure to maintain their "perfect" status 

The scapegoat

* Is unfairly blamed and shamed

* Is often overlooked, dismissed, or disrespected

* May experience negative outcomes like low self-esteem or trauma 

Why this dynamic occurs

* Dysfunctional families: This pattern is common in families with dysfunctional or narcissistic parents who use favoritism to maintain control and project their own issues.

* Psychological projection: Parents may unconsciously project their own feelings of inadequacy or other undesirable traits onto the scapegoat child.

* Maintaining control: The scapegoating dynamic can be used to maintain control within the family and minimize the parents' own guilt or responsibility for negative events.

Hours after I posted the article above, I was given this new AI article, so it is good to go through the link I've provided if you really want more in-depth articles that are not just AI driven. Again, the same link: "Usually when there is scapegoating of a child in a famly, there is also a favorite golden child too" - copied here again in dark red:

Yes, it is very common in dysfunctional families, particularly those with a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent, for the roles of a scapegoat child and a golden child to exist simultaneously. These two roles are often the inverse of each other and are essential for the family system to maintain its dysfunction. 

Here is how these roles typically relate:

* The Roles are Complementary: The golden child is idealized and can do no wrong, serving as an extension of the parent's ego and a source of pride (narcissistic supply). The scapegoat, conversely, is the recipient of all the family's negative projections, blame, and criticism. This dynamic allows the parents to avoid taking responsibility for their own issues, as the golden child makes them feel accomplished and the scapegoat allows them to ignore that they are the actual source of the family's problems.

* A Mechanism for Splitting: This dynamic is often a result of "splitting," a defense mechanism where the parent sees things as either "all good" or "all bad". The golden child receives the "all good" projections, while the "all bad" projections are cast onto the scapegoat.

* Pitting Children Against Each Other: Parents often triangulate the children, comparing the scapegoat unfavorably to the golden child ("Why can't you be more like your sibling?"). This creates conflict and rivalry between siblings, which helps the parent maintain control and remain the center of attention.

* Role Fluidity: While sometimes these roles are fixed for life, they can also be fluid and shift depending on who is currently pleasing or displeasing the parent. If a golden child asserts their independence or challenges the parent, they may quickly fall from grace and become the new scapegoat.

* Shared Harm: Both roles are harmful. The golden child lives with immense pressure to be perfect and often has an unstable sense of self, while the scapegoat suffers from low self-esteem, chronic shame, and is vulnerable to complex trauma. 

In essence, the presence of one role often necessitates the existence of the other to maintain the family's dysfunctional equilibrium.

FOUND ON FACEBOOK

Introduction and Definition of an Alcoholic (or the more polite adopted term: a person with alcohol use disorder). Comes With an Introduction to Family Roles.

This post is mainly a link dump (i.e. full of links), but it is also a post about alcoholic family trends. 

Although the whole blog is mainly about victimizing, domestic violence, trauma from abuse, PTSD, scapegoating, bullying, abuse and rage (extreme anger), alcohol can play a role in how much someone else gets hurt, and how alcohol consumption can contribute to violence, including domestic violence, and other assorted issues like the manipulation of others, the power and control of others, fault-finding and rage. 

And in terms of family systems, the family systems can look a lot like narcissistic families. As in  narcissistic families, there is usually a golden child, and a scapegoat.

However, unlike narcissistic families, the scapegoat is usually the middle child or the youngest child (in other words, it is more decided by age than by whether a child is acting sycophantic enough). But there are also other roles, with the addict taking up one role, and others in more roles than you would see in a narcissistic family: the caretaker, the hero, the mascot, the lost child, and the enabler.

All of this keeps the family enabling addiction, and therefore enabling dysfunctional family relationships. 

In other words, the family roles enable addiction (of the addict from taking responsibility for his or her own actions, health and well being), and the addiction enables the family roles: 

Sometimes family counseling is the only way to help an alcohlic family get out of the cycle of roles which enable addiction and enable blaming and shaming of members who are not a willing participant in terms of taking responsibility for the alcoholic(s). If the family members get out of role, give up their roles, leave the family to their dysfunction, or the whole family stops enabling, there is more hope for healing from family roles (which are never just, fair or an honest way to deal with issues and problems, especially when it comes to constant blaming of a scapegoat child for the alcoholic's behaviors, constant ignoring of a lost child, constant relying on a hero child to give up their childhood to be a responsible grown up for the addict and other family members, and annointing a golden child to make the family look much better than a family in utter stress and dysfunction).

A caveat: although these roles are more likely to be given to children, they can also be given to adults. The father can become the hero, in constant rescue mode, and the mother the scapegoat because she does not want to enable the alcoholic in the family and is constantly blamed for her "outside stance" on not wanting to be shoved into an enabler. 

In this case, divorce may be the end result rather than a child estranged from the alcoholic family. 

These are also good reasons not to enable an addiction (whether it is alcohol or some other kind of addiction). 

According to Project Courage, an in-patient and out-patient service for addiction treatment,  there are many reasons to get help for mental health and behavioral reasons that are the result of addiction  (including Jekyll/Hyde behaviors, and sometimes criminal behaviors).

Overdosing also puts undue stress on family members, often leading to a family with estranged and divorced members who blame each other for not saving the addict, or for letting him go to the bar, or for not finding him on time when he has passed out and fallen to sleep in a snowbank and not quite made it home, or for not visiting him in the hospital enough while in detox, or for not taking care of him properly (what ever that might be), and any number of other reasons.

People with alcohol use disorder can often put significant financial burdens on family too over spotty work histories, not able to get promotions because of their addiction, not able to hold employment for very long, unable to have dreams for their life beyond their addiction, feeling entitled to family money where their siblings are left out, expensive rolling rehabs, constant wrecked cars for driving while intoxicated, needing money for child support because they can't work, failure to launch and so many other financial issues.

They also cite these health problems for the addicted member or members of the family:

Substance use disorders are a life-long battle that can bring family members into dangerous, illegal, and unhealthy situations. The long-term health risks of substance abuse include cancer, heart disease, stroke, liver disease, risk of blood diseases, dental disease, weight loss, and necrosis of bowel tissue. 

There are actually a lot more risks to health and brain function than this article reveals, but even the two sentences above should alarm the family and the addict in terms of health, quality of life, family finances, and turning the family into an enabling cycle of more addiction and more dysfunction.

But in order to get into this topic, I thought it might be best to define what a person with "alcohol use disorder" (an alcoholic) is.

For a quick definition, I give you Google AI's version first (copied here in dark red,or go through that same link to find other articles):

An alcoholic is a person who exhibits a pattern of excessive and compulsive alcohol consumption that leads to significant negative consequences in their life, including: 

* Impaired control: Inability to stop or reduce alcohol consumption despite its harmful effects. 

* Neglect of responsibilities: Problems at work, school, or in relationships due to drinking. 

* Tolerance: Need for increasing amounts of alcohol to achieve desired effects. 

* Withdrawal symptoms: Physical and emotional discomfort when alcohol consumption is reduced or stopped. 

* Health problems: Physical ailments such as liver disease, heart disease, and cancer. 

Alcoholism is a chronic disease that can be diagnosed by a healthcare professional based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) criteria. It is important to note that the term "alcoholic" can be stigmatizing, and it is preferred to use more respectful language such as "person with alcohol use disorder". 

Other articles go more in depth. Here are a number of them (and I follow up with my comments below):

What is the Definition of Alcoholism - by Pinelands Recovery Center of Medford
This article includes how many people in the USA have Alcohol Use Disorder, what differentiates a "drinking problem" from an addiction to alcohol, a definition of alcoholism, and why medical help when withdrawing or quitting is necessary (alcohol withdrawal can cause seizures and even death). 

Alcoholism - from Wikipedia
This is a pretty comprehensive article. It goes into the addictive nature of alcohol, and that it can damage all organs in the body including the brain, heart, liver, pancreas, and immune system. It can also cause cancer, especially breast cancer in women.
There are societal impacts as well, sometimes up to 6 percent of GDP for treatment of alcoholism, the damage to lives and vehicles while driving drunk, interpersonal violence while under the influence, attempted suicides and injuries from drunkenness and other issues connected to drinking.
Alcoholism tends to be caused by both environmental and genetic factors.
The article also includes why alcohol cessation should be controlled carefully, under medical care. 
The article also includes warning signs, physical effects, the psychiatric fall-out in terms of mental health issues like depression, panic disorder, anxiety, psychosis, confusion, brain disorders and dementia.
Common comorbid disorders range from PTSD, the Cluster B personality disorders, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and ADHD. 
The parts of the article I pay attention to in the interest of serving this blog are these excerpts:
... Alcohol misuse is associated with an increased risk of committing criminal offences, including child abuse, domestic violence, rape, burglary and assault.[72] ... 
... Drinking at inappropriate times and behavior caused by reduced judgment can lead to legal consequences, such as criminal charges for drunk driving[74] or public disorder, or civil penalties for tortious behavior. An alcoholic's behavior and mental impairment while drunk can profoundly affect those surrounding the user and lead to isolation from family and friends. This isolation can lead to marital conflict and divorce, or contribute to domestic violence. Alcoholism can also lead to child neglect, with subsequent lasting damage to the emotional development of children of people with alcohol use disorders.[75] For this reason, children of people with alcohol use disorders can develop a number of emotional problems. For example, they can become afraid of their parents, because of their unstable mood behaviors. They may develop shame over their inadequacy to liberate their parents from alcoholism and, as a result of this, may develop self-image problems, which can lead to depression.[76] ...
... Severe childhood trauma is also associated with a general increase in the risk of drug dependency.[86] Lack of peer and family support is associated with an increased risk of alcoholism developing.[86] Genetics and adolescence are associated with an increased sensitivity to the neurotoxic effects of chronic alcohol misuse. Cortical degeneration due to the neurotoxic effects increases impulsive behaviour, which may contribute to the development, persistence and severity of alcohol use disorders. ... 

On a personal level, I was told by a mental health practitioner that you can usually tell who has alcohol use disorder (the addiction to it and the problems associated with it) if they drink every day and it is more than one drink for women and two drinks for men. While one glass of wine in the evening with dinner is not a sign of addiction, it can be a slow sign that the person may be becoming "dependent" on it in the future. Most non-alcoholics (people without Alcohol Use Disorder) do not drink every day. Drinking only on weekends, even if a lot, is usually not indicative of Alcohol Use Disorder or an addiction to alcohol.

Also, the personality may change with drunkenness on the weekends, but otherwise stays stable throughout the week. Personality changes in those with Alcohol Use Disorder tend to change, and can change drastically, sometimes permanently, as the person becomes more addicted. The brain is trying to compensate and chronic symptoms start to show up. 

Furthermore, I was told that if a person who is drinking quite a bit more than a glass of wine at dinner every day, and is unusually aggressive or violent, it can be said that some of that aggression is likely to be attributed to the substance abuse disorder attributed to alcohol consumption. Many people with Alcohol Use Disorder become irrational and can see hostility in others when there isn't any hostility. Seeing alcohol-induced hostility can sometimes lead to violence (defensive violence, to ward off the hostility, or in this case, the illusion of hostility). 

In terms of growing up in an alcoholic family when I spent a significant time in ALANON it was pretty clear to me that a lot of alcoholic families do eventually turn into narcissistic families in a generation or two.

There can also be families with a combination of narcissistic family members, sociopathic family members and alcoholic/substance addicted members. In fact, narcissism in a family will increase risks for all of these other outcomes.

Also, as ACOA defines it, grandparents count if parents weren't alcoholics in terms of being labeled an "alcoholic family". 

And since children of alcoholics are more likely to grow up with the roles of golden child, scapegoat, etc, it will seem normal for them to put their own children in roles, even if they are not alcoholics themselves. As with the acoholic parent(s) or sibling(s) they grew up with, it is common for them to expect their children to perform "hero duties" or "lost child duties" or "enabling duties" or "take-the-blame-instead-of-me duties" (the scapegoat role) just as they saw in their own family of origin.  

When all of these personality disorders and substance addiction issues are going on in one family, it can feel like a mad-house of controllers, arguers, speech interrupters, silencers, shamers and blamers, "you must ---" dominators, peppering so much conversation with unsolicited advice, lots of instability, suspicions, walking on eggshells, ultra forms of gaslighting, ultra forms of fawning and rebelling, usually some crime, jockeying to get attention or jockeying to stay invisible lest the shame/rage bombs fall, verbal and emotional abuse, family get-togethers with lots of alcohol or illicit drugs on the sidelines, and wondering whether to get out of dodge or "go along to get along", or whether to skip family functions altogether. What ever you do, it can feel like "trouble", like nothing is truly working, as work you must, since membership and approval in these kinds of families is tentative.

Anxiety levels can be high for most family members and that is never okay, or healthy, for anyone. 

Each family member usually makes a decision as to what they are going to do with these toxic issues. And guess what? A lot of their decisions will fall into line as to what role they were thrust in. Scapegoats will usually leave the family first. They almost always do in most alcoholic, narcissistic and sociopathic families. Lost children will tend to "drift away" either psychologically (dissociating from family dynamics, remaining ultra-quiet, appearing to be most interested in anything but the family) or drifting away from the family itself. 

Also, alcoholics can be scapegoats too. For instance, let's say a father is a functional alcoholic with a serious drinking problem that keeps eroding his health and his ability to manage his emotions.  However, because he's the bread winner, he is enabled. However, the family also has a scapegoat son who they blame for all of the problems in the family, especially since the son is the only one who dares to talk about his father's alcoholism. In alcoholic families you are not supposed to talk about the "elephant in the room"; you are supposed to make life easier by enabling instead. 

Anyway, since the son is picked on so relentlessly, he becomes traumatized and deals with the trauma by drinking (just as his father has). In fact, he is accused of being "just like your father! You have something coming to you if you think we're going to take care of two alcoholics!" so they throw the son out of the family. 

He has been taught by example to get help and attention by being an alcoholic. And by the way, most scapegoats are treated with this kind of incredible hypocisy.

In terms of the hypocrisies:
In narcissistic families, criticizing, insulting, derisive comments, gossiping, calling others crazy, and  talking "trash" about family members and outsiders is the norm, but the scapegoat isn't allowed to do that, or even complain once about any of it or risk being shunned. "How dare you!!" is the reaction.

In alcoholic families, full time enabling of one alcoloholic family member is allowed, particularly if his presence is seen as "absolutely necessary", while not even showing concern, respect, or politeness for an alcoholic scapegoat child, teenager or young adult is common. In fact, an alcoholic scapegoat is blamed for everything that is wrong with the father's drinking and the family's burdens, and the scapegoat's pleas for help are ignored and largely not considered or allowed. 

I'd say this family dynamic with scapegoating is "a much bigger elephant in the room" than any primary alcoholic. 

So I will be discussing issues like this as I expand this blog to talk about the role of addiction in terms of abuse and toxic roles.  

FURTHER READING

Living with a High-Functioning Alcoholic: Signs and Support - by The Recovery Village (editor Melissa Carmona), medically reviewed by Dr. Jessica Pyhtila, PharmD for The Recovery Village

Alcohol Use Disorder (Symptoms and Causes) - by the Mayo Clinic

Understanding Alcohol Use Disorder - by NIH (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism)

Recognizing the Most Common Characteristics of an Alcoholic - by Dr. Richard Crabbe for Free by the Sea, Sunset View Drug and Alcohol Recovery Center

Neuroscience: The Brain in Addiction and Recovery - by NIH (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism)

The Cycle of Alcohol Addiction - by NIH (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism)

How can you reduce or quit alcohol? - Australian Government / Department of Health, Disability and Ageing

Treatment (alcohol misuse) - NHS (UK website)
article discusses Disulfiram, as well as other drugs, as an aid to keep you from relapsing

alcohol use disorder relapse rates - Google AI and Google Search

Enabling Behaviors - University of Pennsylvania Health System, Stairway to Recovery

The Five Most Common Trademarks of Codependent and Enabling Relationships
Do you enable your loved one? Here's the difference between enabling and support. - Hazelden Betty Ford Center

How to cope with a family member’s problem drinking - by HSE (Irish website)
excerpt:
When the situation is very difficult, it can be hard to imagine a different life. But change is possible, for you and the person drinking.
     There are ways to cope better when someone close to you is drinking in a harmful way. Building your coping skills and asking for help will make a difference. ... 

Living with an Alcoholic Spouse: The Risk of PTSD and How To Heal - by Diamond Recovery

Why Narcissists Keep All of Their Relationships Transactional, and What That Has to Do With Discarding Others in Their Life.

 
This post is primarily written so that you can be aware of this narcissistic trait and make your own decisions about whether you want to tolerate inter-personal relationships that are only transactional in nature, and have found out that the person you may be relating to seems like they have some, most, or all of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder as written in DSM5. 

This post gives you a little about what transactional relationships are with narcissists, what purpose it serves for them, and why you often get a discard from them when you are not doing exactly what they demand, or want, or if "they get sick of you". 

What I mean by discard:

* a swift cruel rejection
* an impulsive rejection
* a rejection without an explanation or an explanation that is short, or confusing, or twisted, or not logical, or is projection-oriented, or is hypocrisy-oriented. 
* a swift rejection where they will not consider talking out relationship issues between you
* a possible rejection where they believe they will get an apology from you, so that they can re-establish control over you and get more power in the relationship with you (more of a manipulation)
* a possible rejection to make you suffer financially, or emotionally in order to scare you sufficiently so they can get you back again and call all of the shots; i.e. control you better than they did before (more of a manipulation)
* a rejection to "play" with your self esteem, and to see if they can lower it or destroy it
* a rejection because you are perceived to be too difficult to control
* a rejection because they are bored (narcissists have little tolerance for boredom)
* a rejection because they have a new source of narcissistic supply that they think is better than your particular versions of it
* a swift rejection to get a reaction out of you (i.e. to gain negative narcissistic supply from you: anger, tears, begging, fear). 
* a rejection because they feel they have been criticized (note: narcissists give themselves the right to criticize others, even constantly, even with a lot of cruelty, but do not give you the same privilege - narcissists also tend to rage and punish if they feel criticized, and it doesn't take much for them to feel criticized)
For more information, go here. 

Do not take "discards" personally as most narcissists behave in this manner. 

It's a trait common to almost all narcissists, and a trait that is uncommon among the rest of us. They even discard their children, or one child (usually a scapegoat child) and a spouse or two. Dark Triads (people with the traits of narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism) are known to have blatant affairs in front of  their spouses to "play with" or damage their spouse's self esteem.  

Narcissists also do not have the empathy to care how discards make you feel. 

When dealing with another person's discard, you can think about whether you want to be in a relationship like this. Also realize that narcissists will often discard you again, and again, and that it is often a feature of their relationships and the cycle of abuse. Their promises to change, and to do better by you are often fake for the very reason that this has to do with their personality disorder, a disorder very unlikely to change. 

When narcissists get to know you, and as they take control of you, and your life, and get narcissistic supply from you, something is bound to happen where you either won't do what they tell you to do (where they feel they are losing control of you), or if they are generally feeling dissatisfied with the amount of power they have, or the amount of times they are getting their way, or they aren't sabotaging you enough to their satisfaction, they will probably eventually do a discard. The exceptions are narcissists without all of the traits in the DSM5, narcissists who are old and don't have the time to take great chances with their relationships any more, narcissists who are disabled and don't think they can successfully launch a discard that will go in their favor, and narcissists who feel they have more to gain keeping you than losing you, if you have a lot of prestige and clout and they feel they cannot "mess with a discard", and other issues where they feel they may go through more of a narcissistic collapse than getting more power by discarding you. 

This post is a combination of a "link dump" with quite a bit of commentary. You can look through the links dumped here (below), or go through the Google AI links to find more articles and studies in Google Search. 

I present this Google AI article first (but you can go through that same link to go through Google's Search engine for more articles):

Narcissists have transactional relationships because they view people as tools to fulfill their needs for attention, admiration, status, and power, rather than as individuals with their own feelings. Their impaired empathy prevents them from forming genuine emotional bonds; instead, they focus on what they can gain from a person, leading to relationships that are a calculated exchange of benefits rather than a connection of love and care. 

Why relationships are transactional for narcissists:

Lack of Empathy:

* Narcissists struggle to understand or value others' needs and feelings, making it difficult for them to form deep, emotional attachments. 

Self-Centered Motivation:

* Their primary motivation is self-interest and ego enhancement. They are only interested in relationships as a means to get what they want, such as constant admiration (narcissistic supply), power, or status. 

People as Tools:

* They see other people as objects or tools to serve their own purposes and needs. A person is kept around only as long as they are useful or provide "supply". 

Business Mindset:

* Relationships operate like a business transaction: the narcissist aims to get the maximum benefit for the minimum input, as noted by the Psychology Today article. 

No Genuine Connection:

* Instead of developing love, commitment, and intimacy, the narcissist sees these as drawbacks because they can restrict their options. 

Discarding When Unuseful:

* When a person no longer provides the desired benefits, the narcissist will discard them and seek a new source of supply, similar to discarding a used commodity. 

Exploiting for Needs:

* They will perform nice actions only if they expect a "payment" in return, such as consistent adoration and support, even if it's a small gesture on their part.

Do narcissists primarily insist on transactional relationships with their own children, a spouse or two, and their "best friends"? Yes.  

If you want a love relationship and are not happy with a transactional relationship, you are not alone. Most people want their closest personal relationships to be deep emotional, long lasting connections where both people are engaged in consistent love, empathy and trustworthy behavior. They do not like being used by narcissists for narcissistic agendas (which are almost exclusively about power, control, domination, exploitation and narcissistic supply and not much more than that). 

You simply cannot have deep, loving, empathetic stable relationship with narcissists and they blow up at you or discard you if they think you are unhappy with them or critical of them, if they think they are losing power over you, if they think you have differing opinions from them and so much more. Most narcissists are cruel, dysregulated people out for selfish ends or to sabotage people they are jealous of, or who they think might surpass them in some way.

That's a god-awful close personal relationship to be in, or stuck in. You aren't an anomaly if you think it's as awful as you feel it is. 

And it has nothing to do with you. You cannot change this trajectory through loving the narcissist more, or doing everything they demand, or by letting them take their aggressions out on you, or asking them to be kinder, or working harder and harder for them, or giving them continuous empathy, or even giving them continuous narcissistic supply throughout the day and night. It's a brain matter in them. The link explains: reduced gray matter in their insula, abnormal activity in the prefrontal cortex, probable dysfunctional connectivity in the frontostriatal pathway (this is still being studied), over-activity in parts of the brain that contributes to excessive self focus. 

The excessive self focus without being able to get out of it is something that is happening inside them, on a physiological level, which is why efforts towards healthy bonding with narcissists cannot work. Not only will healthy efforts not work by your efforts, they will cause enormous stress for you at the very least, and debilitating physical and psychological symptoms at the worst. What is more, narcissists will never care how those symptoms effect you because of their profound lack of empathy (which is also a brain matter for them). 

There are also adverse changes when healthy individuals get stuck in long term trauma bonded relationships with narcissists including the shrinkage of the hippocampus (which can grow back when the stress of being around the narcissistic individual is removed) and high levels of cortisol which directly effect the immune system.

So much of this is why I finally decided to be narcissist-free in my own life and so that I could fulfill a destiny of a lightworker. 

I continue some of this thought-line at the end of the blog post.

In terms of the question: How do most people feel about transactional relationships with narcissists I found this from Google AI: 

Most people feel negatively about transactional relationships with narcissists, experiencing confusion, unease, and a sense of walking on eggshells, as these interactions are characterized by a lack of true empathy, constant manipulation, and emotional punishment rather than genuine connection. People in these relationships often feel like their needs are ignored, they are being exploited, and they are trapped in a cycle of giving without receiving anything of genuine value. 

Negative Emotions and Experiences

* Unease and Confusion: Relationships with narcissists often leave people feeling confused and uneasy, constantly questioning the narcissist's mood and intentions. 

* Walking on Eggshells: Victims learn to be hyper-vigilant, constantly monitoring their words and actions to avoid anger, punishment, or withdrawal from the narcissist. 

* Lack of Genuine Connection: A fundamental lack of empathy prevents narcissists from forming deep, reciprocal relationships, leading to feelings of isolation and being unloved for who one truly is. 

* Emotional Abuse and Punishment: When expectations aren't met, narcissists may punish partners by withdrawing affection, attention, or emotional support. 

The Transactional Nature of the Relationship

* Self-Interest Driven: Narcissists approach relationships with self-interest, viewing others as having a function to fill rather than as separate individuals with feelings. 

* Exploitation and Control: The relationship is about the narcissist's needs, with the other person's empathy and contributions exploited to meet those needs. 

* One-Sided Exchange: The narcissist gives little and demands much, creating an imbalanced dynamic where the partner feels like they are constantly giving without receiving. 

* Replacement and Uselessness: If a partner fails to provide the necessary "supply," they are considered useless and may be ignored or replaced by others. 

Long-Term Effects on Individuals

* Mental Health Issues: These relationships can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). 

* Erosion of Self-Worth: The constant manipulation and disrespect chip away at a person's self-esteem and can make them feel like they must earn love or be perfect to be worthy of it. 

MORE GOOGLE AI ARTICLES
(narcissistic discard of relationships and the transactional relationships of sociopaths):

Are discards of people from their life the result of the narcissist looking at relationships as transactional? from Google AI:

Yes, a narcissist's discarding of a partner is a direct result of viewing the relationship as a transaction. In this framework, people are not viewed as partners but as "supply" to serve the narcissist's ego and needs. When a partner is no longer seen as useful, they are discarded. 

The transactional nature of a narcissistic relationship

For a narcissist, a relationship is not an emotional bond but an exchange, and their interest is conditional. The transactional view operates in distinct stages: 

* Idealization: In the beginning, the narcissist engages in "love bombing," showering their partner with affection and attention. This is not genuine intimacy but an investment to secure the loyalty and admiration that will serve their needs.

* Devaluation: Once the narcissist is sure they have captured their partner, the transaction shifts. The narcissist begins to devalue their partner with criticism and gaslighting. At this point, the partner's emotional well-being becomes secondary to the narcissist's need for control and superiority.

* Discard: When the narcissist becomes bored, feels their partner is no longer useful, or finds a "better" source of supply, they terminate the relationship. The discard is often abrupt and cold because it is not an emotional decision, but a practical one based on what the narcissist can gain. 

Discarding serves the narcissist's ego

The discard is a crucial part of the transaction, serving several self-centered purposes for the narcissist: 

* Reasserting control: The narcissist re-establishes dominance by causing confusion and keeping their ex-partner grasping for answers and reconciliation.

* Avoiding accountability: By discarding first, they avoid the risk of being rejected themselves or having to confront the problems they created in the relationship.

* Ego fuel: The ex-partner's pain and grief become a source of satisfaction, proving the narcissist's own significance.

* Securing new supply: Discarding one person clears the way to pursue new sources of validation and admiration. 

* Conditional love and the lack of empathy

A lack of empathy prevents narcissists from seeing their partners as individuals with their own feelings and needs. This means that the narcissist's "love" is always conditional—it lasts only as long as the partner is meeting their needs for admiration, control, and validation. When the partner sets boundaries or is no longer a useful "supply," their worth in the narcissist's transactional view is immediately diminished, and they become disposable. 

Since some narcissists also display Antisocial Personality Disorder  (sociopathic) traits resulting in Malignant Narcissism or the Dark Triad, I thought I'd give you some answers about their transactional types of relationships too. Note: Narcissists with sociopathic traits can have a little or a lot of sociopathic traits. If you see sociopathic traits, "You're in trouble" as the saying goes. 

from Google AI:

Yes, sociopaths primarily seek transactional relationships. Their relationships lack genuine emotional connection and are instead based on personal gain, such as power, money, status, or pleasure. For a sociopath, relationships are not about mutual care and emotional support but about what they can get out of the other person. 

How sociopaths use transactional relationships

* Manipulation: Sociopaths are skilled manipulators who use charm, guilt-tripping, and lying to influence others. In the early stages, they may engage in "love bombing," where they shower a partner with excessive affection to create a false sense of a deep emotional bond and secure the partner's loyalty and dependency.

* Lack of empathy: A key trait of sociopathy is a lack of empathy, making it difficult for them to form sincere attachments. Because they cannot truly understand or share in others' feelings, they view others as objects to be used, not people with needs and emotions.

* Control and exploitation: Sociopaths will often seek to dominate and control their partners or associates through various means, including emotional, financial, or physical abuse. This can include isolating their partner from friends and family to increase their dependence.

* Shallow and short-term focus: Their focus is on short-term gains and immediate pleasure rather than long-term commitment. A sociopath may drop a person once they have nothing left to offer and then move on to exploit a new victim.

* Opportunistic loyalty: Any loyalty they show is conditional and serves their own interests rather than stemming from genuine affection. When a partner no longer provides a benefit, that loyalty can end instantly. 

The consequences for their partners

A relationship with a sociopath can be emotionally and psychologically damaging. Partners often experience: 

* Feelings of confusion and betrayal due to the sociopath's deceit and inconsistent behavior.

* Eroded self-esteem caused by constant manipulation and gaslighting.

* Emotional distress, including anxiety, depression, and loneliness.

* Feelings of isolation as the sociopath works to sever their connection to outside support systems. 

MORE READING AND SOME VIDEOS

"Narcissists Seek Transactions, Not Relationships" - by Dr. Les Carter for Surviving Narcissism (You Tube channel)

Are narcissists even transactional with their own children? - yes. Google Search and Google AI

Are narcissists even transactional with their spouse? - yes. Google Search and Google AI

How narcissists transactional relationships lead to cruelty to others - Google Search and Google AI

How narcissists transactional relationships lead to divorce - Google Search and Google AI

How narcissists transactional relationships with their children lead to estrangement - Google Search and Google AI

Do narcissists ever give up on transactional relationships? - Google Search and Google AI

Can a transactional attitude towards close personal relationships lead to murder? - Google Search and Google AI

Narcissists promises are often fake - even the transactional promises they make (something to keep in mind) - Google Search and Google AI

How narcissists use "future faking" to get you back into a relationship with them, (i.e. hoping the transaction of making promises of "your dreams coming true" will mean more control and power for them) -  Google Search and Google AI

The Stages of Narcissistic Relationships - by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

Childhood Roots of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Nipping a toxic mental illness in the bud. - by Brian D. Johnson, Ph.D. and Laurie Berdahl, M.D. for Psychology Today

Understanding the Sociopath: Cause, Motivation, Relationship
The sociopath remains largely misunderstood. - by Seth Meyers, Psy.D. and reviewed by Abigail Fagan for Psychology Today

Exploring Romantic Relationships with Sociopaths - by the administrators of Our Mental Health
- comes with a number of videos

Can A Sociopath Fall in Love? - Adina ABA staff

Will You Be Seduced by a Sociopath?
Sociopaths use similar tactics in dating, law, business, and politics. - by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD for Psychology Today

Understanding the Sociopath: Cause, Motivation, Relationship
The sociopath remains largely misunderstood. - by Seth Meyers Psy.D. for Psychology Today

How to Spot a Sociopath in 3 Steps
It helps to know some of the warning signs of sociopaths. - by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD for Psychology Today

How to Know if You Are Dealing With a Sociopath
Sociopaths can be violent and dangerous. - by Scott A. Bonn Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Sociopaths: Impaired Sense of Smell
Sociopaths may have impaired olfactory functions. - by Stephanie A. Sarkis Ph.D. for Psychology Today

3 Hidden Powers of Sociopathic Bullies
Watch out for sociopathic bullies who make it seem like you are bullying them. - by Bill Eddy LCSW, JD for Psychology Today

When a Sociopath Is Hell Bent on Destroying You
If you've been abused by a sociopath, here are 16 focus points for recovery. - by Carrie Barron M.D. for Psychology Today

Why Narcissistic Sociopaths Objectify Women
Why some antisocial personality types objectify women and are drawn to politics. - by Clifford N. Lazarus Ph.D. for Psychology Today

THE SPIRITUAL ASPECTS OF DEALING WITH NARCISSISTS

I have tried to find out what a number of religious teachings, spiritual practitioners, spiritual teachers, spiritual groups, and the exceptionally empathetic think about narcissists in our world today. 

While many of them have different ways of dealing with narcissists, and different teachings about what narcissist's grand purpose in the world is, there seems to be a consensus that these are powerless people who attempt to gain power through teaching lessons that hurt others.

They are also most attracted to and want to get into the lives of super sensitive empaths, people in the helping professions, people who are highly evolved, highly intelligent or artistic people, people with a great deal of inner and outer beauty, people who are into causes and justice, lightworkers, great healers, great miracle makers, great peace makers, people who are unsettled by the amount of violence in the human race, and the destruction of the planet, etc. 

Not all of them are attracted to these kinds of people, but most of them are. 

What they want to teach when they meet super sensitive empaths, and people of that ilk, is not realized, as they cannot bring enlightenment into their teachings with envy in their souls, or with competition with their students as their agenda, and they cannot attain "staying power" by hurting others. That all has to be cleaned out before their teachings are to be taken seriously.

What is realized for these groups of people that narcissists tend to target, if not right away, is that the sensitives and empaths do not usually break and fall apart from the narcissist's dark teachings and techniques, but break a glass ceiling in their own consciousness and spirituality instead, and reach a better position where they are even more sensitive, more tuned in to helping humanity, and know more about how to do it than they did before, and are more inspired by peace, while becoming more intelligent, more grateful, more intuitive, more in tune with the truth, having a far better understanding of the workings of spiritual evolution.

In other words, it is breaking the ceiling to an internal transformation that takes place within oneself. 

For those spirit workers or empath workers who got clamped down with PTSD symptoms, the gradual disappearance of symptoms becomes like shedding the skin of a past life. You may find that old wounds you endured become diseased and have to be removed or reworked. As I said, it is like transforming or shedding, take your pick.

In some religious philosophies, the teachers of those religions insist that you thank the teacher/narcissist who helped in breaking the glass ceiling for you. It probably would not have been possible without them (and I believe that is true for a lot of us - sometimes you can't realize anything until you're thrust in the darkness as to where the light in you is).

And while you cannot dwell with that teacher in an unhappy transactional relationship, and weren't meant to, that transactional relationship helps you to break free of wanting a transactional relationship with anyone in the first place. You are as free as a butterfly.

You cannot go back because the reason you healed was to go forward and help others heal.

You would never tolerate it again anyway (for those of you who wonder why sensitives and empaths never go back) - you have graduated from those particular teachings.

According to many spiritual practices, there are always spiritual "energies", or "teachings from beyond" (each religion has their phrase), and you go forward into the light and eventually absorb and become the light. 

In my own life, without revealing too much about my spirituality and my journey with that, I believe that "my job" has been to study darkness, to understand its workings, dungeons and traits, to shine the light on it for others who might want a more peaceful world too and show where you will not find it, leading you, I hope, to where you will find it, and eventually show how healing yourself is the light, peace and love you've always wanted. 

In healing ourselves, we do heal others, even if we may not have started out with great healing energies or thoughts initially. It might not be obvious at first that it is our duty. But you know when you've arrived at that place where, when someone suffers, your impulse is not to withdraw, but to reach out and comfort.

* Some of the ways Christians deal with narcissists
* Some of the ways Buddhists deal with narcissists
* Some of the ways Pagans deal with narcissists
* Some of the ways Muslims deal with narcissists
* Some of the ways Gypsies (Romani) deal with people of bad intent
* How do Quakers view narcissism?
* Ways in which minorities deal with narcissistic authoritarians

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