Family Obligation and the Scapegoat. Do You Owe Your Narcissistic Family Anything?

In this post, I ask some questions, link to articles, have a further reading section plus a couple of articles from Google at the bottom of the page. 

Anyway, do you feel you are, or might be, the family scapegoat, and do your family members feel that you owe them a lot? 

If you want to check out if you were the scapegoat of your family you can always get the book, Rejected, Blamed and Shamed by Rebecca C. Mandeville. Does the questionairre in the book describe you? 

If you don't want the book, you can always go to Laura K. Connell's site to decipher if you can relate to the 9 signs of scapegoating. 

Or do you score high on the ACEs test? - that test is on-line, and that test can give you a sense of how you were treated as a child. 

If you were scapegoated by a parent, parents, a step parent, or a sibling (and your parent took your sibling's side) repeatedly, your family may feel that you owe them something, or even a lot more than you can realistically give them, or want to give them, but what, if anything, do you really owe them?

And have you tried to fulfill some of the obligations they thought were owed to them in the past? Did you still feel hurt, exhausted, and as though nothing was enough? 

Being scapegoated is a situation where your family has decided to blame you for what ever dysfunctions exist in the family. Most scapegoating families accuse you of being "crazy", or mentally ill, or "mentally inept", or not "doing things right" repeatedly, and according to them, that makes you the problem for anything and everything that goes wrong in the family. 

Most scapegoating families reject you in one way or another too, whether that means silencing you (and what you went through), invalidating you (and what you went through), giving you the silent treatment, neglecting you, chronic lack of attention while growing up, ignoring you and your needs, showing you a lot of contempt or showing you that they favor your siblings, discarding you or outright rejecting you, hurting you on purpose (whether that is emotionally, psychologically, verbally or physically ... another link on emotional, psychological and verbal abuse and ... another link on physical abuse), ignoring you or raging at you any time you want to compromise or find a solution which satisfies all parties, or when you become withdrawn, sad or emotional. 

Scapegoating families also try to isolate their scapegoats. By calling you crazy, inept, or mentally challenged, they press other members not to listen to you, or engage with you (because if they were to listen to you, you might talk about all of the rejections you've experienced, as in the above paragraph). They want other people to treat you differently too, and if they can't get those family members and friends blaming and shaming you too, they try to convince them why it is necessary. 

By scapegoating you, they get to go around feeling absolved of any faults, short-comings, short-sightedness, fairness, kindness, investigative inclinations, self-blame, psychological issues they have, toxic actions they take, abuses they make towards you and others, thinking beyond the usual "you are at fault" monologue they have always adopted and given you, or frankly, any kind accountability at all.

In my opinion, that's enough service for a lifetime, and if it was on-going and severe, several lifetimes. 

If you feel obligated or indebted to them, perhaps consider they are highly likely to keep scapegoating you. 

Here are also some links as to why you don't owe them anything:

How to recover from being the family scapegoat - by Laura K. Connell (her own website)

Signs of toxic people and how to deal with them - by Laura K. Connell (her own website)

The Hidden Trauma of Neglect in the Narcissistic Family.
Neglect is the most common form of abuse. - by Julie Hall, reviewed by Gary Drevitch for Psychology Today

The Narcissist's 5 Parenting Rules
Narcissistic parents often share common behaviors. - by Jamie Cannon, MS, reviewed by 
Jessica Schrader for Psychology Today

Narcissistic Parents: Everyday Things They Twist Into Guilt Trips - by Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC (You Tube)

Narcissistic Parents: The Most Personal Choices You Should Never Debate With Them - by Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC (You Tube)

Why Scapegoat Survivors Might Want to Question the “Angel” on Their Shoulders - by psychotherapist, Jay Reid (You Tube)

Ungrateful Children: Overcoming The Debt Your Parents Believe You Owe Them
Understanding and dealing with the false sense of duty - by Anastasia Summersault for Medium

In Panic, We Human Sacrifice, Scapegoat - by Professor Sam Vaknin (note: Professor Sam Vaknin was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so he talks with the perspective of someone who has the disorder, as well as citing research on the disorder) (You Tube)

Mimetic Scapegoating in Narcissistic Households (Mimetic Desire, Violence) - by Professor Sam Vaknin (see above) (You Tube)

You don't owe your narcissistic parents! - by Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC (You Tube)

Narcissistic parents tend to treat their children as if they owe them - Mental Healness (You Tube)

If you are a parent and want to make up with your child, you can go to my post HERE where I talk about actions that may work. 

"Why do narcissistic parents feel children owe them?": Google AI (in blue):
   Narcissistic parents feel their children owe them lifelong obedience, attention, and care because they view parenting as a transactional investment rather than an unconditional responsibility. They fundamentally believe the child exists to serve their ego, validate their self-worth, and fulfill unachieved personal ambitions.
   The expectation of this "payback" stems from a few core psychological dynamics:
   * The "Gift of Life" Fallacy: Narcissistic parents often use the mere fact of bringing a child into the world as an ultimate, unpayable debt. They use this to demand unending gratitude, disregarding that the child did not ask to be born and that parents are legally and morally obligated to provide care.
   * Transactional Affection: In their minds, every basic need met—such as food, shelter, or clothing—is framed as an extraordinary sacrifice rather than a baseline duty. They use this "generosity" as leverage to induce guilt and demand subservience.
   * Narcissistic Supply: Narcissists require constant external validation to maintain their fragile self-esteem. They view their children as captive audiences and extensions of themselves. When a child asserts independence, the parent feels robbed of this required attention and views it as an act of betrayal.
   * Projection of Regret: These parents often view their children as do-overs for their own missed opportunities. When a child pursues their own path, the parent subconsciously projects their own feelings of loss and expects the child to forfeit their freedom to make up for the parent's regrets.
   Understanding these dynamics can help in recognizing that the expectation of indebtedness is a manipulation tactic meant to retain control. For resources and support regarding this type of family dynamic, you can explore the Out of the FOG  network or find peer support on communities like the Reddit Raised by Narcissists forum.

"Owing narcissistic parents": Google AI (excerpt, partial, in blue):
   Children do not owe narcissistic parents anything for raising them. You did not consent to be born, and providing basic necessities like food, housing, and schooling is a parent's legal and moral obligation, not a favor.
   Narcissistic parents manipulate this dynamic to create artificial, lifelong debt.
   Understanding the dynamics of this, and how to unburden yourself from the guilt, involves several key areas:
   * The "Debt" Trap: Narcissistic parents often weaponize the sacrifices they made to keep you subservient.
   * Basic Needs vs. Gifts: Providing a roof over your head and food to eat are minimum legal requirements to avoid charges of child neglect. These are not "gifts" you are required to pay back.
   * Control Tactics: They often use guilt, obligation, and emotional enmeshment to maintain their "narcissistic supply," acting as if your mere existence is a service they provided.
   What You Actually "Owe" Them
   * In a healthy, functional relationship, love and respect are freely given and earned, not extorted. With narcissistic parents, your primary responsibility is to your own health and well-being. You do not owe them obedience, unlimited access to your life, or the sacrifice of your own happiness.

"Do you owe a family anything if you were scapegoated by them?" Google AI (excerpt, partial, in blue):
   You do not owe your family anything. When you are scapegoated, you are subjected to emotional abuse and unfair blame to protect the family's dysfunction. You have no moral or ethical obligation to maintain contact, provide support, or endure further harm from people who mistreat you.
   Navigating the emotional aftermath of family scapegoating requires prioritizing your own well-being. Several factors can help you process your situation:
   * Unconditional Obligation is a Myth: Children do not owe their parents or family members anything just for being raised or provided with basic necessities. Healthy family dynamics are built on mutual respect, safety, and love—not on a transactional debt for taking care of you.
   * No Contact is a Valid Choice: Stepping away, also known as going "no contact," is a completely valid and often necessary tool to heal from chronic scapegoating. You are allowed to protect your mental health by removing yourself from toxic or abusive environments.

FOUND ON FACEBOOK