Is It Possible that Gen Z and Millennials Having to Work 2 - 3 Jobs Is Contributing to the Nationwide Trend of Estrangement With Parents in the USA?

 
As is customary of late, I asked Google AI "Is it possible that the trend of estrangement with parents has something to do with Gen Z and Millennials having to work multiple jobs to survive?" The answer I got was this (partial, in burgundy red): 

Yes, severe financial stress and working multiple jobs can contribute to family estrangement by draining mental energy and exposing clashing values over economic realities, though therapists primarily link the trend to a broader cultural focus on mental health boundaries rather than job counts alone.

* Exhausted bandwidth: Working multiple jobs causes severe burnout and money-driven anxiety, leaving young adults with little emotional reserve to tolerate difficult family dynamics or criticism.

One reason I asked this question was because in forums, this fact of life for Gen Z and Millennials is often brought up as one reason they had to split with their family in addition to negative family dynamics. The common negative family dynamics include criticizing them for who they are, or who they are dating, or what their interests or politics are, or how they measure up compared to their siblings, or they are too often expected to endure invalidation of their feelings, thoughts and experiences.

If the family dynamics seem a little too toxic, or are demanding, or the family is highly critical of them, that can add too much stress to the already stressful environment of working very long hours. They prefer to retreat into peer support and therapy, rather than seek out their family for comment or support. 

That link also makes these realities known: Therapy is normalizing "firm relational boundaries" over continually enduring family dysfunction in society in the present time. That link also points to this reality: 60 percent of Gen Zs are estranged from a loved one, usually a family member or members. 

Compared to older generations, these younger generations feel little obligation to parents who cannot accept them for who they are and how they conduct their own decisions and lives, or parents who cannot accept their limits and boundaries, and parents who are refusing to acknowledge them beyond highly critical judgements. 

To me, these reasons seem fair, but I'm sure at a sixty percent rate of estrangement (and the creation of a "cancel culture"), some parents are being cancelled just because an adult child can do it without blow-back from their own generation, or others such as the Millennials and the younger half of Gen X, and even experience peer approval and support over doing it. 

However, when I look at forums for adult children who have been abused, I see very little from members who do it "because it is a trend."

The last story I read was from a woman:
   As a little girl, she and her younger siblings were sexually abused by an older sibling. They felt that they had to take turns every night at staying awake so that if this older brother tried the door knob they could alert one another. Even after the complaints, the parents said they had talked to him, but it wasn't effective, and refused to intervene in ways that would stop him. As he grew older, he was labeled "a monster" by his siblings. Then the siblings all became estranged from the parents who enabled his behavior. The last comment she made was: "Sometimes parents don't abuse you directly, but they deeply enable a sibling to abuse you. I can no longer believe that our parents have our safety and well being in mind and I'm tired of being the target of my older brother. So I decided to 'go no contact' and to put my own safety in my own hands." 

That, to me, seems like a justifiable reason to be estranged.

Can the family work through it? Maybe if there is recognition of what the younger siblings went through, a lot of therapy, and a lot of accountability and accepting that their children distrust the parents for enabling the sexual abuse to happen. But should these children feel obligated to end the estrangement or "to forgive and forget"? 

This kind of situation is hard to forget, so pressures to forget are unlikely to happen. 
And forgiveness cannot be forced for it to be genuine.

And it depends what "forgiveness" means - putting yourself in harm's way when it comes to this older sibling who appears to his younger siblings to "have grown into a monster" at this juncture? 

In fact, I see almost no posts about being estranged for erroneous reasons. They are usually pretty dire situations like this one. 

But apparently many parents are saying that they care or cared deeply about their children, or a child, and the child still wanted estrangement, and even for some, the permanence of it. I'll look into that in another post, which is to say I've seen parents have concerns that this trend is so widespread that it is sweeping up adult children who are not, and were never, abused, and instead who are, and were, deeply loved and cared for, where parents were devoted to them for life.

They say that the estrangement trend is giving younger generations power over older generations (creating a generational split based on "unreasonable boundaries" - as some of these parents see them).  They are saying these adult children are telling parents to shut up about topics, even topics that aren't confrontational in the least, acting like what they say is of utmost importance while what older generations have to say is irrelevant, acting so narcissistic in conversation that the parents wonder if their child has this Cluster B disorder themselves, and is merely projecting his or her own personalities on to their parents, since narcissists project their own traits on to others). 

In my own life, I have on a personal level (not-internet based) known three people my age who were estranged from their children, but in all of those cases, the estrangement only went on for two years at most, and ended due to therapy with the estranged child.

However, I have also known even more parental figures my age who feel threatened by the generational trend of estrangement, and what they say is along these lines: "My parents told me to shut up a lot, that only they had the right to tell us when we could speak on a certain subject, or bring up a certain subject, and now I have children who are doing the same thing to me! Are we some kind of 'sandwich generation' of silenced people? I think what we lived through in our generation is pretty interesting, but neither generation wanted to hear anything about it; they judge us instead. So just like my kids, I am closer to my peers than to them, or anyone from other generations. I feel like my own generation goes out of their way to understand each other, but that no other generation wants to be bothered to understand us." 

That's a sad state of affairs, so I'm going to try to look at some other sides, though I won't have much compassion for adults who are "bashing" their children in forums as it seems that is what got their child to leave in the first place, or there was too much interference by the parent about how they were living, or even whether they measured up in terms of "parental approval". What adult child actually needs or asks for parental approval? Even when parents give it out of concern, or when asked, for instance, their child is either going to accept it, or reject it.

Children who are told to do things over and over again for parental approval are less likely to listen to their parent after a while. And "adult children" who are told to do things over and over again for parental approval are less likely to listen to their parent too. What the latter link reveals is that it is seen by most adult children as a power struggle, or a parent who is unwilling to give up control when the child becomes an adult. That link also says that it is far more effective to give validation and respect for a child's independence than to harp on issues that the parent sees as negative or too independent. 

One thing I learned when I taught Head Start was that children respond much better when you talk about their positive qualities than their negative qualities and I took that lesson with me when I taught school aged children 6 - 12, and teens 13 - 18. Instead of saying "Don't do that!" unless it is a grave issue or mistake, I'd distract the child and focus on something they were good at: "You're good at building castles. Would you like to help 'so and so' build one?" They get attention from misbehaving, and if you can get them to get 'better attention' from being helpful, they tend to put their focus on that instead of on misbehaving. 

With school aged children and teens who were misbehaving enough to keep them after school, I focused on what they were good at when they were in class: "Why would you want to do this when you're so talented in (that)?" 

It definitely works a whole lot better in terms of behavior than constantly giving negative attention to bad behavior, and quite a bit better than trashing their self esteem. Narcissists feel they cannot afford to do this because it means their child becomes more "independent" (fear of the child's independence from the parent is what really triggers narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage), but for those of us who are not narcissistic, and do not feel narcissistic rage over a child's independence, we can afford to focus on any child's better qualities than their worst ones.

In my experience, misbehaving tends to slowly disappear when positive assessments get more focus than minor misbehaviors, in teenagers and young adults. For 3 - 4 year olds, the behavior gets better much faster. 

It also gets them looking at others in positive ways. Modeling positive thinking towards others and in them means your child will probably be looking at others, including you, the parent, in positive ways too. It just makes sense. 

I also talk about how to avoid estrangement with your kids in this post. And remember that patience, patience, patience is always necessary when you want positive, or an enlightened, or a compassionate discussion with underage children and adult children. If they have been taught "negativity and intolerance" you have to be patient with them "unlearning it". It can be a habit, and may take as long for them to unlearn as it was to learn it.

When you teach in a classroom, your students may still be learning how to get attention from misbehaving, but you can give them a counteractive experience where their best qualities can shine, where acceptance rather than rejection is more of their experience, and where all children's feelings make a difference.  

So since I have an open mind, I'll be exploring what non-narcissistic parents are going through with this trend. We already know that narcissistic parents are trying to hurt their children more when the child chooses estrangement, and I've already covered that, so for another post, it will be about parents who are fine with their childrens' independence, and who are trying to make up with their estranged child or children.

In the meantime, some understanding that this issue may be partly attributed to over-work and economic woes may help a little in terms of understanding that generation and how much stress they can realistically deal with in their day-to-day lives. 

FURTHER READING

The American family isn't collapsing, it's adapting to reality | Opinion

This is the shift that unsettles older generations: a vision of the American dream untethered from property or possessions, rooted instead in lived experience and personal autonomy. - by Andrew Sciallo, opinion contributor to USA Today

Why Millennials and Gen Z are Going NO CONTACT with Their Parents - by Kati Morton (licensed mental health professional, USA) for her channel You Tube

Why adult children go no contact, according to science - by Dr. Ana (psychologist) for her channel on You Tube

Why people are going "no contact" with Oprah - by Dr. Ana (psychologist) for her channel on You Tube

I read an estranged mom's manifesto - by Dr. Ana (You Tube)

THE CRASH: The devastating consequences of permissive parenting - by Dr. Ana (You Tube)

What this estranged mom's book reveals about forgiveness - by Dr. Ana (You Tube)

I read another estranged parent's book... and oh boy - by Dr. Ana (You Tube)

This is what happens when you go no contact with a parent - by Dr. Ana (You Tube)

This is what happens when you repeatedly invalidate a child - by Dr. Ana (You Tube)

How estranged parents tell on themselves in the comments - by Dr. Ana (You Tube)

What Brooklyn Beckham just revealed about family estrangement - by Dr. Ana (psychologist) for her channel on You Tube

"No Future?" Why Gen Z Feels Doomed | EP517 | The Dr. Phil Podcast - by Dr. Phil (You Tube)

Why People Cut Off From Family? Here's What Psychology Says - by Mind Decoded (You Tube)

What Happens When Narcissistic Parents Lose Their Scapegoat - by Jerry Wise (You Tube)

Cutting Off Family: Why So Many Adult Kids Are Going 'No Contact' | Dr. Phil Primetime - by Dr. Phil (You Tube)

Psychology Of People Who Cut Off Contact With Their Families - by Apex Psychology (You Tube)

The Psychology of People Who Have Endured too Much Trauma - by Solentis (You Tube)

Toxic Parents? Gen Z Cuts Ties for Good | Dr. Phil Primetime - by Dr. Phil (You Tube)

Narcissistic Family: 9 Signs It's Time to Go No Contact - by Jerry Wise (You Tube)

The psychology of people who cut off contact with their families - by Koo Psychology and Pax Psychology

10 Innocent Behaviors That Signal Unhealed Childhood Trauma - by Inner Lens (You Tube)

11 Signs You Have Traumatic Intelligence, The Rarest Form of Smart - by Turn Wiser (You Tube)

Psychology Says These 6 Habits Are Signs Of Childhood Neglect - by Mind Decoded (You Tube)

Anti-estrangement therapists are wild, dude - by Dr. Ana (psychologist) for her channel on You Tube

If Your Child Has Cut You Out of Their Life, Watch This | Jefferson Fisher Clips - by Jefferson Fisher (You Tube)

Grief or Sadness on Mother's Day for Estranged Scapegoat Children of Narcissistic Families

 

From all I have heard, Mother's Day and Father's Day are often the saddest days of the year for estranged scapegoats. 

This post is about Mother's Day. 

I remember reading Toxic Mothers Don't Deserve Your Time On Mother's Day by Lenora Thompson years ago for Huffington Post. Then she wrote a column for Psych Central for years about what it was like to grow up as "an only child" in her family of origin. Her column was named "When Narcissism Meets Normalcy." 

We became friends and since then there have been many changes in her life with the death of a parent and grandparent, life challenges, and some different perspectives she has had since that post long ago. She is still estranged from her family, although death can sometimes challenge the often "fixed order" of narcissistic family childhood roles into more fluid, transforming and less challenging situations. Not everyone adopts a narcissist's perspectives even if they pretend to or "play dumb", especially after the narcissist has passed away. Sometimes even before the narcissist passes, the perspectives are regretfully adopted, even if temporarily, by some members over a narcissist's Will and Estate, or some kind of help, or accolades, or gravy train. Since narcissists base most of their relationships on winning or losing "their approval", be what it may, and on rewards and punishments, once the rules for approval and rewards go away, the fixed perspectives on who to hate often go away too.

For instance: "Mom always hated my oldest sister, but Mom always hated a lot of people. She was a very difficult person to get along with and we should have all gotten a medal for not running away. But I never hated anyone, especially a sister I barely knew growing up except for what Mom said about her. But none of us really trusted her as distorting reality was the name of the game for Mom! However if I didn't pretend to hate my sister too, Mom would have made my life a living hell! Now I'm trying to get to know my sister since Mom passed. I haven't had a relationship with her since I saw her last, which is when I was 15 years old, and even then, Mom tried to separate us from each other and tried to build a hate campaign towards her using us kids first. I never really knew her. Mom wanted my sister estranged from the family in the worst way, but we never understood why. We heard a lot of fights, and then my sister was gone forever from our household, though I found out later she had moved to Canada and now has two sons. No explanation was given to us by our mother except ones that made no sense and were filled mainly with emotion and vitriol." - those kinds of changes.

And they happen enough.

There aren't necessarily the same kinds of narcissists around either to smear the original narcissist's  scapegoats. And if scapegoats leave the family, and a scapegoat is needed for another generation, the hate will be for the new scapegoat, usually a child, not for some old white haired scapegoat they barely know, and haven't seen since they were kids, and no one knows where they live, or even if they're alive. With many new members, new in-laws, and new babies, they might not even know that someone served as a bullied scapegoat member of the older generation in the first place.   

I notice in workplaces that the scapegoating dynamic can change drastically with new people, and even more by new generations that come in, where the scapegoating of one worker can go out of style in a year or two depending on the change-over, and sometimes even be gone altogether when the old guard no longer works there or dominates. Some workers don't want a gossipy heavily competitive combative negative work environment to begin with. They are not into hearing negative talk about people they haven't gotten to know yet, or they are more empathetic than the people giving the "low-down" on such-and-such a worker. They want everyone to get along. And they may not understand what was wrong in the first place with a worker that the last group found so horrible as to bully them so relentlessly.

I still notice, on the whole, that the youngest, smartest, most talented, most justice-oriented, most kind, creative thinkers are the people most likely to be scapegoated in narcissistically oriented environments, especially when surrounded by older, less talented, more insecure workers. The fact that dynamics can change so rapidly in terms of a prior scapegoat no longer serving that role is testament to the fact that it's not that the person is bad, but that the role that workers and families put these people into is bad (the bullying is bad, as well as not justified, and obviously not justified to continue it forever). 

Only toxic environments have scapegoating and bullying in them, and if the toxicity vaporizes because of different attitudes and perspectives of newly hired workers, then the scapegoating and bullying goes away too. And the workers who were doing the bullying suddenly can become "the outsiders". I've seen it myself in two work environments (very drastic changes over two years in that way). The same can happen in a narcissistic family, but at a slower rate. I've also heard of that happening to survivors who were previously estranged from their entire family getting contacted by family members again once one of the family bullies has died.  

But in the meantime, while the scapegoating is "fixed" and the continuing bullying plan is in place, you might be feeling some grief and sadness on Mother's Day if you are estranged from your Mom.

Your Mom may not even be the bully. 
* Maybe the bully is your father or stepfather, and like all bullies, they have to separate the two of you so that they can have your mother all to themselves. 
* Maybe the bully is a sibling and they want your Mom's undivided attention, all of her worldly goods, all of her affection going to them, and you're estranged from your Mom because being around your sibling is dangerous. 
* Maybe you have all of this going on, and even your Mom has been brainwashed to hate you. 
* So maybe you stepped away, and didn't know what to do other than that. Maybe you were in shock that it was happening at all since you were always welcomed by your Mom before. You didn't know she could be talked into hating you so easily. Maybe suddenly your own children and spouse needed so much attention that you put whatever was happening with your Mom on the back-burner to think about for another day. By the time "another day" came, there weren't any solutions that were palpable, or were made available to you. Were you supposed to stay estranged just for the agenda of the bullies in your mother's life, or stay estranged because your mother was going along with the stories and hate-speech of others, or did your mother assume you were going to put up with bullying and then didn't know what to do once it became clear you weren't going to put up with it? 

A lot of families go silent during times of estrangement; they are not open to any kind of discussion. So you never really know, and then estrangement becomes your way of life out of default. You might feel devastated or mad and speak out, but usually when you do that in these kinds of situations, the silence continues, and so does the confusion. 

Sometimes you get an answer like a fleeting facial expression you had was taken out of context, or because of a singular phrase that most people would have over-looked or forgotten about. Or someone might have mentioned lack of object constancy to you. 

This is way more common than people realize as to who becomes estranged.

You might find out later from a therapist or two or three that bullying families are usually toxic families and get worse, and that the bullying gets worse and worse too no matter what you do, and can become life-threatening if those bullies feel you are defenseless or vulnerable. Maybe you seek a therapist, and they read off what the traits of narcissism are, and you notice those traits sound so much like the traits of the bullies you are dealing with. Narcissists are antagonistically inclined. So then you might become reliant on the advice of a therapist and they become who you go to for comfort, explanations, solutions, a way forward ...

But before you get to wanting advice from anyone, the confusion gets worse and worse, and the cognitive dissonance becomes extremely uncomfortable especially for making decisions. In the end, you may not go to a therapist. You may go to your family's minister, or Co-Dependent's Anonymous, or a close friend who has known you most of your life, or to someone you know who also had to deal with estrangement, or a psychic or fortune teller if you are inclined to go that way. At any rate, you are more than likely to go to someone to help you with the grief and confusion. Most scapegoats deal with a brick wall of silence from their family, or an uncharacteristically inflexible, unyielding "I have to win" attitude that didn't seem to be there before. And most people avoid bullies and bullying, so you, like most people in the world, are not going to take actions to place yourself in situations that are potentially bullying.

For most of us, our actions are going to be about getting answers we can understand.

Maybe all we have to understand is that either the mother, or the people surrounding her do not have object constancy when it comes to relationships, even relationships with children, siblings and mates. Lack of object constancy is just another trait of narcissism, so it further confirms someone or everyone in the group is narcissistically inclined.  

Estrangement becomes your new way of life as well as deepening relationships you've had all along, entering new relationships, dealing with the symptoms of being estranged, possibly dealing with some financial fall-out, or hanging out with other people who have become estranged - you've entered a new life, at any rate. You hope the door that you just walked through is sunnier than the dark traumatic one you've left behind. 

Like the change of the guard at a workplace, we can find that we are suddenly not bullied at all, and actually appreciated for who we are and what we bring to the table, with nothing in sight remotely like the scapegoating we endured before.

However, as the years roll by, you may sometimes wonder about your mother. 

"Did she really deserve not having contact with me at all?" you might ask. Wouldn't it be nice to drive to her house, give her some flowers, and take her out for lunch like you used to in the old days? But you hesitate. Can't go; the bullies are still there. Or maybe she never loved you in the first place; maybe it was all an act. Maybe she's adopted bullying herself, but you didn't really know it until you were estranged. Maybe she always thought of her real family as the bullies, and you were on the side for only a little while. Maybe she's so brainwashed that her own thoughts don't exist any more. Maybe she would never appreciate the flowers anyway. Maybe the bullies give her huge expensive bouquets of flowers that fill up her entire living room, and take her on vacations to the Italian Riviera, and your little bouquet and little lunch at a modest cafe would never be appreciated. "Bah, humbug! Not enough flowers! Not enough food!" Maybe this, and maybe that ... and all of the maybes don't lead anywhere except to more maybes. Maybe the advice you have been given about narcissists, and their isolation tactics, and their divide and conquer strategies is all of the "maybe" you need to know, and when you think about the scapegoating again when you no longer are a scapegoat in any part of your life, maybe that's what's keeping you away from another Mother's Day with your Mom.

Perhaps you just try to forget Mom and Mother's Day when there is no clear path that has revealed itself for yet another year of estrangement. Maybe taking a walk in the woods or celebrating your own motherhood with your child or children is how you go about Mother's Day now. At least there is no bullying or fear of bullying. It's a sweet holiday that you should enjoy precisely because there's nothing but flowers and love, and most of all, no bullying.

You may not even want to think about Mom because thoughts of Mom conjure up too many memories of the bullying and bullies. Or the violence. Or the sexual abuse. Or the stealing. Or the threats, intimidations, and the ordering you around as if you are a slave to a thankless family. Or however you were hurt by them. So you put thinking about her on the back burner just as you did when the estrangement first started.

Anyway, while Lenora Thompson's article for The Huffington Post is certainly a legitimate reason for not celebrating Mother's Day, and a lot of survivors go through "exactly that", what I'm saying is also the way survivors think about Mother's Day. It's more about the grief, sadness and confusion starting up again, and even of not wanting to remember the past. Especially since it came with so much confusion, a change of rules, or a change of judgements, or a change in someone's attitude. For instance they may have thought that estrangements are a good thing and should be done more often.

Since it never really made much sense to begin with except, perhaps, the very human tendency we all possess to flee from bullying (and wars, danger, violence, bombs, hate speech, prejudice, threats, intimidations, slaving, maybe even physical abuse, or being shamed for things you didn't actually do, or being treated as though you are vermin, Hitler's favorite phrase, or a recalcitrant sycophant-puppet). Everything that bullying and family wars bring seem so annihilating in so many ways, whether in whole or in part, whether they want to erase your personality, or your thoughts, or feelings, or reactions to the bullying, whether through making your health worse, or effecting your mind and body in negative ways. It's all so destructive and most things in life are all better than that kind of destruction. However, that doesn't make it less sad, especially on the day that celebrates parenthood. 

I just thought that this perspective on what can happen was as necessary as Lenora's.

Thank you. And I hope you are enjoying Mother's Day. 

For Scapegoats of Narcissistic Parents: "I'm being invited back into my family after being estranged, and I'm pretty sure my parents are narcissists. Have they changed? Is this an apology or something else?"

BEFORE I GET TO THE POST
FIRST, AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Before I get to what this post is about, I have an announcement.

I will be continuing my series on shaming, as promised, but during the holidays, I thought that this post and the topic might be more appropriate.

The last three posts in the series on shaming to be published are:

* How Being Exposed to Shaming, Erroneous Blaming, Perspecticide, Gaslighting, and Most of All Fawning, Can Create Narcissism in a Child, Plus a Tease About a Personal Story - that's the title, and the writing is completed. It's a deep dive into this subject. A minor graphic artwork has yet to be made. So, you can look forward to that.  

* A cartoon/illustration that will make a post in the series more understandable

* And another deep dive post into the shame/rage spiral

So you can look forward to that.

Now for this post:

PRELUDE

I was inspired to write this post from a number of sources. The sources are listed below.

Around this time every year, many scapegoats of narcissistic parents are asking the question: "I was thrown out of my family, but after xxxx years, they are inviting me to spend Christmas with them again. What is going on? Have they decided I'm not to blame for all of the things they threw me out of the family for, or are they apologizing for what they have done to me, or is it for something else? And should I find out for sure?" - or some variation of that. 

And invariably people who have had the experience of going back say "Don't do it! It's a trap! This is what happened to me ..." and they tell some horrific tale of abuse by the parent, or a sibling (often siblings don't want you back - they believe it threatens the family resources they feel entitled to), or the whole family starts abusing again, often beginning with an extraordinary amount of chiding and cruel put-downs that they try to cloak as humor at your expense.  

While the tales have their differences, the fact that they were scapegoated again when they rejoined the family is the part of the tale that rarely seems to change, and in the overwhelming number of stories they are scapegoated worse than they were before, often over the most flimsy of reasons and excuses. 

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?

Narcissists grew up in homes with too much blaming, shaming and criticizing. To avoid being targeted, they put fault on others, usually a sibling. If it worked, then they kept using it. Eventually they came to use it most of the time, and lied to keep from being targeted. Sometimes they were targeted regardless. In that case they were more likely to end up as the vulnerable covert kind of narcissist who seems more shy and less grandiose on the surface. If they got away with it time and time again, then they are more likely to be the overt grandiose style of narcissist. 

Once they become narcissistic parents, they put children in roles, usually by the time they are toddlers. All of the roles exist to pay service to, and enhance, the narcissist's ego. Almost all children who grow up with authoritarian narcissistic parents have shattered egos, and some even have a shattered sense of self, even the favorite less abused child, and they all react differently to being gutted. It's understandable why a scapegoat would have a shattered sense of self, but why would less abused children have one too? And the answer is that they developed a false self in order not to be scapegoated themselves (in other words, they acted).

Narcissistic parents punish, reward, play head games, and manipulate to keep you in the role they have assigned you.

The scapegoat role exists because the parent refuses to be accountable for anything that might tarnish their ego and an image they want to present, or that causes delays in their ambition to reach the top in terms of power, control, domination, superiority and an authoritarian role in the family, at work, and in their friendship circles. All of this is pretty common, and self deceptive, because their style of bringing up a family rarely works (the rate of divorce, the rate of cheating, the rate of lying, and the rate of estrangement from children is very high, and they don't have what most families have: mutual support and having each other's back - all of that usually falls apart).
     They don't gain superiority at work either because what they do at work is usually triangulating, constant complaints to the boss about others in the workplace, indulging in false gossip, manipulating bosses and workers to believe in conspiracy theories about workers they feel they are in competition with, and blame-shifting (they most often get fired eventually because their tactics are found out, or they are caught bullying, or stealing from the business, or their work isn't up to par because they are spending too much time throwing co-workers under the bus instead of working).
     They also don't have "real friends" the way most of us have because they engage in lying to friends about what is really happening in their lives, and they are, again, in certain friendships only for ego reasons, or because they think they will gain some sort of superior standing by associating with certain people. 

Likewise, giving a child a scapegoat role is self deceptive too because the child isn't really at fault for everything the parent wants them to be at fault for, of course. They may not be at fault for anything, no matter how hard the parent tries to put the fault on them, no matter how much gaslighting they do, no matter how many punishments there are and how severe they try to make the punishments, no matter how much hatred the parent throws at the child, no matter how many smear campaigns they run trying to get others to believe they have an all-of-the-time, all-at-fault child, because the parent isn't dealing with reality, and it isn't moral or ethical. They are just replaying their childhood family script. Someone in the family usually knows what the truth is anyway, especially siblings, though because the parent is exerting so much pressure, power and threats, the other children may never say anything because they are trauma-bonded, too threatened by the specter of becoming a scapegoat themselves. In order to keep that threat away from themselves, they too are likely to attribute anything they do that is "bad" to the same scapegoat child the parent is using. So then it can become a situation of family bullying. 

Because children who are given the scapegoat role have a difficult time not defending themselves when falsely accused of events that either did not happen, or did not happen the way the parent thought they did, they are likely to react strongly to being falsely accused. Defending yourself when wronged is very normal, and under these kinds of circumstances it is especially normal. And if you are a scapegoat, you know the drill when you react to being falsely accused: they will call you crazy for reacting or defending yourself, or tell you in some way or another that your reactions aren't appropriate or normal - the gaslighting starts, and it never ends over fantasy events and fantasy faults they try to saddle you with.

They'll often spend their entire lives punishing you if they fail to correct your perceptions, wearing you down, until you give in. If you don't give in, you are punished again, or banished. If you give in to get the issue off your back and to stop the coercion, you are a martyr and a liar. Then you are likely to be rewarded for being a liar by your parent, which causes all kinds of issues, both with the parent (lying under duress), people in the family who know you are lying to make the narcissist happy, and who begin to lie for their own outcomes. While the parent may be happy that you lied, and tried to please them, your own physical, emotional and ethical well being takes a huge hit.  

Most scapegoats of narcissistic families are banished at one time or another, or several times from their family. In fact, I'd bet that most children and adult children who are banished or estranged from their parents, and who haven't been charged with a crime or crimes, and who aren't going to rehabs over and over again, are scapegoats of narcissistic families. Alcoholic families have their scapegoats too, but there isn't the same kind of on-going consistency of hatred, attacks and never-ending fault finding that there are towards scapegoats of narcissists. The hate will deepen and become full of conspiracy theories when narcissists practice scapegoating.  

Scapegoating also happens because narcissistic parents tend to be full of rage, jealousy and resentment, and they have to take it out on someone. Why? Because they aren't as high on the superiority ladder as they would like, ever, and I mean ever. They want to be so high to the point where everyone takes their orders and advice without question, all of the time, under any circumstance. It boils down to this: narcissistic parents want their children to cater to demands, all of the time, and children who aren't caterers to every demand aren't of much use to them, and the child gets the cold shoulder and is neglected.  

They don't look into why some children might not want to cater, or why those children might feel resistant to catering, or why a child might be defending themselves. The parent just gets into the habit of abusing, punishing and rejecting children who don't cater, which increases the chances that the child won't cater past childhood because the science on this says that the abuse, punishing and rejecting caused them to distrust the parent and the parent's intentions towards them. 

Scapegoating and benevolence are total opposites. And, as I've said before, awards are not benevolent actions in narcissistic families - they are a manipulation to keep a child in role, and are most often accompanied by punishments, coercion, hounding to submit, and other actions that don't work long term.

Do most narcissistic parents know the science on why scapegoat children don't become reliable sycophants? Not likely. Do they care about this fact? Not a bit unless they feel it might ruin their reputation, or create adverse outcomes in their illusory climb to superiority. 

They manipulate children to fit into these roles too. While some of it is based on personality, a lot of it is not. Usually they pick the more bootlicking child to be the golden child, and the more resistant-to-control to be the scapegoat, although family prejudices and proclivities play the biggest role in who gets scapegoated. Note: roles are usually decided when children are mere toddlers, so the personalities can change and the narcissist won't notice. They've decided who is who and what is what at a very early stage when the child is pre-verbal where the narcissistic parent feels entitled to fill in the gap as to what the child is feeling, when the personality is unsure and fluctuating, when day to day behaviors with toddlers are at their most unreliable in terms of being a predictor of future behavior. 

But don't narcissists change, and see the error of their ways in how they treat others? I mean, how can they justify this forever? Isn't that why I'm being asked to return to the family fold, and especially at Christmas, which is supposed to be a time of peace and making up?

Couldn't it ever be because they have seen the light?

CAN NARCISSISTIC PARENTS CHANGE,
AND WON'T THEY WANT TO STOP THE SCAPEGOATING AT SOME POINT,
KNOWING THAT IT ISN'T PARTICULARLY WORKING?

The answer to this question, is that narcissists can change, but do they really want to?

There are several roadblocks to change and the things I have mentioned are that they feel they need a scapegoat - to take the blame off of themselves, to give themselves the sense that they are never at fault for anything, to give themselves the vision of superiority, and to silence any and all members who aren't giving them that, and who are complaining that the narcissistic parent is cruel, unjust, abusive, and won't listen. If the parent has full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they are highly likely to rage about any tiny thing that is not an ego stroke, where they feel they might be slighted or criticized, or where they might be called on to work out issues in the way most people do. They sit on their imaginary throne and wait for others to change and work out issues in their favor. When they don't get that, they rage. And rage, as we know, can turn into abuse and estrangement.

If they aren't willing to take any responsibility in their dealings with others, and they aren't sorry for scapegoating you and putting fault on you when it didn't belong there, then they probably only want you back to scapegoat you again, as there are many instances of shame they feel they cannot deal with without having a scapegoat to blame-shift it all on to.  

The reason why it might take years to invite you back is that they have probably been getting some satisfaction either by scapegoating someone else, or scapegoating you by proxy through false complaints, false gossip, telling others that you are "no good", smear campaigns, trying to bait you or "get your goat". If they scapegoat-by-proxy, most people around them get tired of this. Narcissists tend to be obsessed with hurting grown children they cannot control or manipulate, and people also grow more and more suspect when narcissists show they have contempt for their own child.

For most parents, raising children is about benevolence, self sacrifice, of insisting on the truth, of honest and sometimes herculean efforts to be emotionally regulated, of caring about their children's feelings and emotional health at all stages of life, of being fair even when they might be angry at a child, of being ethical and teaching ethics to their children. Narcissistic families don't raise children this way at all, quite the opposite, and they don't want to change the script because they feel they must scapegoat all of their parental failings on to one child, and sometimes their partner too.

"The reason I wasn't a good parent was because of my child" is the general message.  

So when they say goodbye to you and then decide they want you back for a big holiday event, if they can't take responsibility for what they have done, and they can't take responsibility for the way they have hurt you, is it worth it? Sometimes the invite is about trapping you, and abusing you until you give into them. Sometimes it might be an issue where they only have one child left, and they feel they can't risk losing that child too. And they know themselves enough to realize that disappointment is inevitable with that child too (children are actually not very good sources of narcissistic supply no matter what they do and how they act). Plus narcissists are never truly happy because they focus their attention on getting rewards predominantly. 

Disappointments can end up where they impulsively scapegoat, even when they don't want to. So both the parent and the only child left with a parent have a lot to lose without the original scapegoat present. However, the reasons behind wanting you back can be myriad. But more often than not (from reading forums from survivors) they try to get you back because they feel they need you in your old scapegoat role. 

Which is to say that they are not likely to change, even if they say they have changed, but there are also ways to tell if they have changed. I invite you to read on, as there are some definite signs to look for if you are wondering if they have truly changed, or if they are faking at changing: 

One of the most iron-clad ways that you can tell if they just want you in your old scapegoat role is if they show signs of contempt. The research on this originally came from John Gottman (another link), and many psychologists since him have run many experiments to discover that he was right.

I have also been doing some research on the psychology of hate, prejudice and resentment myself, and if a person is committed to hating and resenting certain individuals, or groups of people, and they have strong antagonistic traits like narcissism, they tend to get worse (spiraling down into more hatred and resentment) to the point where their hate becomes totally irrational, paranoid, and delusional. There is no more cognition applied in whether their stance on hating you is the right way for them to proceed. The hate becomes more visceral, automatic, impulsive and compulsive. 

In terms of hating their own child, there is also research that confirms that too much power can lead to more anti-social traits, including violence and corruption. Authoritarian types of power also block empathetic feelings  (another link, another link, another link and another link). This especially becomes an issue with narcissistic parents because they are obsessed with getting more power, control and domination no matter how old you are, no matter how many grandchildren you have, no matter how much power the narcissistic parent already has.

Children who have become full adults don't need to be controlled or dominated on any level. The expectation that the older you get you are expected to give more and more control and power over to your parent is absolutely crazy-making! 

On empathy ... They are already so low on empathy. Do we want to give them more power so that they can become even more unempathetic, and more sadistic (sadism being the opposite of empathy)?

Narcissists tend to be put out by children and adult children who need empathy too. Narcissists also tend to scoff at children and adults who have been traumatized. They are very much into blaming victims and viewing them as weak and incompetent (another link). One form of this kind of thinking goes like this: "If you had been smarter, you would never have been disabled when the bomb fell on your town. You would have realized that you should have left the area long before the war started." What this means is that narcissists bypass empathy by telling you what you should have done, and what they would have done, competing with you about how their strategic mind is superior to your reactive mind, making it into a diatribe of "the intelligence it takes not to get hurt."

When we need empathy, this is just cold hearted. 

Narcissism is also often comorbid with Paranoid Personality Disorder. But even when narcissists don't have the extra personality disorder, hatred and contempt can lead them to be paranoid, with a desire to hurt others or to get rid of them, to relieve themselves of the paranoia they feel, especially in regards to their image and the reputation they are trying to build. In addition, narcissists also look for reassuring signs that they have a right to hate and hurt others, and that is where prejudice comes in: based on sex, sexual orientation, race, cultural differences and political differences, mainly, and things like the disenfranchised, the poor, the minorities, the elderly, the over-weight and the disabled secondarily. In other words, they will tend to think, "See? I was always right to hate this person, and to treat them badly." 

This happens even when it is built on the flimsiest "evidence": their own beliefs, their thoughts about what other people's thoughts are, assumptions, what they want to believe, fantasy perspectives,  convenience (targeting "powerless" targets), cultural or biological differences, and so on. 

And one of the things we find that helps them come to the conclusion that they should be committed to hating, hurting and being contemptuous in such a strong way, if not a powerful way, is that they become as equally committed to criticism. Because they tend to only want to find fault outside themselves, they decide that being highly critical and judgmental is necessary to prop up their own insecure ego, to gain power and control, to gain prominence, to get attention.

For adult children of narcissists:

The surest way to tell if they haven't changed, and want you back as their scapegoat is if they show signs of both contempt and criticism. It often manifests in these ways:

Unsolicited advice is criticism. 

Condescension, which can be constant, shows contempt. 

Rage over what you have to say about being hurt by them is a form of contempt and criticism. 

Verbal abuse is definitely a form of criticism. 

Other signs of contempt are listed below in the next section. 

HOW DID THEY GET THIS WAY
AND CAN YOU DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT? 

I have talked about how they probably used blame-shifting as a child, but what I did not mention was that narcissists tend to grow up in environments where extrinsic values greatly trumped intrinsic values when it came to other people, so they will base worth on another person much more in terms of extrinsic values than intrinsic values. And those extrinsic values tend to be money, wealth and prestige, and have to match what they expect from the people who have these extrinsic qualities. 

The problem for narcissists is that they have decided that showing and displaying contempt is one of the ways that they feel superior (superiority is delusional thinking, but to them it only matters that they "feel" superior). In other words, they feel they must be critical and judgmental of others a whole lot in order to feel better about themselves. Usually contempt, criticisms, and being judgmental are signs of insecurity, that they are afraid they will find themselves on the outside of acceptability instead of inside acceptability. In a way, it is like passing the buck, where the more insecure they feel about acceptability, the more critical and judgmental they become, and this also fuels the demise of what ever empathy they used to have for others (usually empathy begins its wane in early childhood). In fact, it has everything to do with why they lack empathy. 

I'll explain:

When they are contemptuous, and cruel, and parental figures are laughing about people a lot (trash-talking), and when they are building their hate on assumptions, and lack of empathy, it actually turns the most intelligent of us off, rather than turns us on. It's not enlightening; it's not pleasant; and it doesn't actually convince a lot of us that they are superior, the goal they have in acting this way. 

In more powerless individuals, like children, hyper-critical behavior tends to produce anxiety at the very least, or a trauma bond at worst. If it produces fawning and ingratiating, realize that the fawning response is a trauma response.

If a person is fawning totally voluntarily, without fear or anxiety, or from being pressured, it is different than fawning over being intimidated, bullied, threatened or coerced into it. Fawning is actually the response of last resort when it comes to trauma responses, and it creates situations and outcomes that the narcissist doesn't like (which I will discuss in a future post).

If scapegoats aren't using trauma responses like defending themselves, or fawning, they can blank out when being criticized. I think the artwork I did in this piece explains how a scapegoat child can feel overwhelmed by criticism, so his mind shuts down. He might feel incredibly hurt as the art work shows, but cognitively he can't comprehend the hate unless he hates himself as much as the parent does. And some children get talked into hating themselves, and they can and do commit suicide over it too.

If you are a scapegoat, you know that the criticisms can overwhelm your entire autonomic nervous system because the criticisms from narcissists are often on all levels: your body, your mind, your interests, your personality, your emotions, your thinking, your perspectives, your experiences, the way you express yourself, the clothes you wear, the way you present yourself in public, how well you perform expectations, your sex, how much flattery you give narcissists - just about everything that you are, do and say, is met with criticism and contempt. When a child who is being criticized is blanking out and has that wide-eyed deer-in-the-headlights stare, they most likely have C-PTSD, and it is time to stop the contempt. But narcissists don't do that; they find him or her useless for not hearing anything, and continue to throw more criticism at the child for not responding to the original criticisms. Eventually when narcissists only get a PTSD stare, they neglect the child when underage, or banish when adult. 

At any rate, to insist that children fawn to abuse is to damn them to be in a prison of continued traumatization, whether that is conscious on the narcissist's part or not. Most narcissists are conscious enough to know that their scapegoat is hurt, grieving, and in pain, and that lots of pressure and bullying to "make them fawn" causes him or her a lot of anxiety. 

If I was betting, I would bet that narcissists know that they traumatize their children, otherwise why put on acts in public that they adore their children and care about them when they do not? Why spread lies and make up stories about their scapegoated children? 

HOW NARCISSISTIC CONTEMPT IS EXPRESSED 

I have already pointed out criticism. Usually scapegoated children are criticized in the extreme. Most narcissists criticize their scapegoats directly, and the remaining ones criticize their scapegoats behind their backs in a two-faced kind of way. All of it is destructive, and it is also part of the personality disorder of narcissism.

Any kind of destructive behavior towards their child's self esteem means contempt, that they don't like and love you the way that you are. Again, they only put extrinsic value in other people, whereas the rest of us put intrinsic value in others (it is why the rest of us take care of disadvantaged, disabled family members - narcissists would balk at doing that, and try to get the disadvantaged and disabled serving them instead, or they would just throw them away). 

A narcissistic parent will try to make the argument that a scapegoat child doesn't act right; that they don't dress right; that they don't look right; that they are too fat or skinny; that they are psychologically inept or damaged; that they are emotionally insane; that they are inept in terms of career and career goals. That's all part of what narcissists are up to, and what they do, and if you are a scapegoat, you are very aware that you've been treated this way most of your life. 

If you have been successful in love and career, and if they extend an invite, consider that the reason for it might be that they don't want you to be successful, that it will "ruin" their plans for you being the family scapegoat, and "ruin" what they have said about you, and therefor "ruin" the perception others have of you of being crazy or inept. Success mars their abilities to scapegoat effectively.

These are other ways they show contempt:

They get on their high horse and compare you to them (it sounds and is similar to what I've said in the previous chapter above, except it is about comparing themselves to you).
     What it can sound initially like:
"You can't say anything right",  "You can't do anything right", "Your mind and feelings are all wrong",  "You're too sensitive",  "You're crazy",  "I can't stand you", "You can't even dress right", "You'll never amount to anything", followed by: "I never had bad grades like you", "I had a lot more boyfriends at your age than you do", "I was always loved by my parents. It's too bad you aren't", "I never had zits. It's too bad you have so many of them", "I never was overweight, but you've spent most of your life being that way", "I was always well behaved. It's too bad you aren't good at it the way I was because you'd be a lot more liked if you did", "You have ratty hair. When I as a child, I never did and as a consequence, I could decide when I could get my hair cut, but you can't, so I'm going to cut your hair whether you like it or not", "I won so many awards! What have you won?", and so on. They will always deem a scapegoat to be quite a bit inferior to themselves, and even to almost everyone they know.

They also show contempt by comparing you to your siblings and other children, starting when you were very young.
     What it can sound like:
      "How come you can't do as well as Carl? Why can't you be as nice as Carl? I love Carl more than you, and I always have. I'm sorry I favor Carl, but he's a lot better at everything than you are. Carl was an easy child, and you were always difficult. Carl always knew I had his best interests at heart, but you always had to question it. Carl has always trusted me, but of course, he knows I'm trustworthy. He was always the sane one in the family, but your mind was always too messed up to realize I was always a model parent. What's wrong with you!?" - in fact, if they are still playing favorites with their children, and they are comparing you unfavorably, they still want to scapegoat you. 

Any gaslighting is the sign that they have contempt for the way you perceive things. Gaslighting is usually a sign of scapegoating. They want to dictate how you think, and what you should be thinking about and perceiving instead. It shows that they have no respect for the way that you think, or the way you experience things. It's also a nasty mind game. If gaslighting doesn't show a lot of contempt, I don't know what does.

If and when a family member insults you, abuses you, or assaults you, and they tell you that they don't want to hear it, or that you should deal with it on your own and in silence, it is a sign that they don't care about you. Narcissists generally discard scapegoats who complain about a family member's abuse and violence because they are afraid it will tarnish their image as the most superior upstanding parent. So the scapegoating becomes a must for them, more severe, more about portraying you as a villain.

If they advocate for your abuser and do not try to protect you, they probably prefer that others use you as a scapegoat too. Very few scapegoating parents protect their scapegoat child from any kind or form of abuse, because it would mean looking too carefully in the mirror at their own abuse. 

Another way they show contempt is that they eventually, after decades of scapegoating, disregard all of your feelings, thoughts, life issues, medical issues, and generally do not care to hear what you think at all, or how anything effects you. They do not show any respect towards you. When it gets to these extremes, they do not listen to what you have to say about much of anything. In other words, you will feel like you are talking to a brick wall. It can get to the point where they don't respect your boundaries, what you want and don't want from them (which can lead to invasive actions against you to prove they won't respect your boundaries regardless of what you want, like stealing, stalking, talking over you, pushing you around, kidnapping, imprisoning, physical abuse, home invasion, kidnapping, and so on). Usually when the contempt gets to the point of breaking boundaries and breaking the law, they have entered into a more anti-social personality disordered way of scapegoating (as I talked about above, where their power has caused such a degree of a lack of empathy, they can get to a point of justifying committing crimes against you). Once it has gotten to the point where they are indulging in criminal behavior, whether they still want to scapegoat you or not, should probably not concern you as much as your safety. 

the attitudes of contempt:

They have no interest in understanding you. They decide you are inferior, a second class citizen, and that they don't need to know you.

They feel they deserve good treatment from you (respect, honor, civility, praise), but don't treat you, their scapegoat child, this way by a long shot. In fact, they have the attitude that they deserve these entitlements/hypocrisies from all children, without realizing that showing a child respect, honor and civility is a more teachable moment than rattling off a bunch of rules that they cannot, and will not, follow themselves. It makes situations fake, and phony, where some children will adopt a "false self", including "fake-fawning" to narcissists and other people who they deem to have more power than they do, and talking derisively behind their back. 

They blame you in entirety for their hatred and anger towards you (we see this a lot in the prejudiced mind too).

They decide they don't need to invest in anything you want, or feel, or think (they come to believe that only their own thoughts, perspectives, and feelings are all that matter because to them, and it is all that matters to them most of the time). 

Lack of civility is always a sign of contempt. 

So is verbal abuse.

CONCLUSION

If they still want power, control and domination, they will probably still be scapegoating you.

If they can't take any blame, or they are trying to shift fault on to others, or they are engaging in talk about the faults and flaws of others, they are showing that they still need scapegoats.  

If they show a lot of contempt (even if it isn't you right away), they are still engaged in their "superior" fantasies, and blame-shifting and scapegoating is all part of it. 

Narcissists have tremendous hurdles in giving up scapegoating.

They would have to stop gaslighting, first and foremost, and they would have to stop being contemptuous of others (i.e. stop the trash-talking).

They would have to grow some ethics and empathy, and what chance is there of that?

They would also have to apologize for once in their lives instead of expecting others to do it every time there are issues, and what chance is there of that?

And they'd have to share the power instead of hoarding it all for themselves and telling people what to do and where to get off if others don't do what the narcissist wants, and what chance is there of that?

If you are tired of all of the narcissist's power games, and lust for power, and their manipulations to get more and more power, and trying to get them to talk to you in a respectful manner while they commit to threats and blackmail to get more power over you while trying to make you more and more powerless at the same time, even when it comes to your decisions about your own life, career, and relationships, then don't give them any more power. Be one of the individuals that cuts their destructive-to-everyone ambition off.

The reason they don't apologize is because not only do they not care about your feelings, they see apologies as weakness. For them it sets them back into not being the most superior faultless person on earth, and they feel they may be more vulnerable to being looked at as the same kind of faulty person that they make fun of. Remember, they've lied their entire lives, starting in childhood, keeping the faults going outward away from them, dumping them on to someone else, instead of inward.

In fact it is such a huge hurdle that they would have to give up on narcissism altogether, and be compromising and reasonable, and what chance is there of that?  

All of this is why psychologists prefer that their patients have as little to do with narcissists as is humanly possible, and especially if you are their scapegoat and have trauma symptoms or full blown PTSD. If it's obvious that they don't care about you emotionally and medically, or want to help you with your PTSD instead of making it worse, what does that say about them?  

WHO INSPIRED ME TO WRITE THIS POST

John Gottman's findings and research on contempt and how it effects the hater as well as the hated is probably the most profound inspiration for writing this post second to the many survivors who wonder if they should return to their parents after years of estrangement and a childhood as a scapegoat. 

Dr. Les Carter's video, The Sign That a Narcissist is Beyond Redemption says a lot of the same things I have said here. He also mentions John Gottman. 

My own research into the psychology of hate, prejudice and resentment played a big part in this post too, as well as research into how power corrupts and reduces empathy, sometimes to the point that they become antisocial personality disordered. There is a great piece you can read from PBS called The science behind why power corrupts and what can be done to mitigate it. It is an interview with Dacher Keltner and his research for his book called "The Power Paradox: How We Gain and Lose Influence" and it reveals these details:

Shoplifting is usually done by the wealthiest Americans, not the poorest. When given too much power, people become more unethical and think it is okay to be unethical. People with more power than those around them are more likely to stereotype. People with more power than those around them tend to stop caring about others. People with more power than those around them tend to try to broker deals that benefit them much more than the other person. People with more power than those around them tend to become much more greedy, unfair and to take a lot more resources from others than is respectful, right or fair. People with more power than those around them tend to be more exploitive. People with more power than those around them assume they can touch people any way they want without asking permission. Undoubtedly there is a lot more to explore in the actual book than in the PBS article, but the article gives you some idea of what is discussed in the book.

It also seems to explain so much about why our society seems to be getting more and more swamped by narcissistic "I-don't-care" unempathetic parenting styles and the kids who parrot them, why we seem to have approached another Gilded Age of wealth disparity where the have-nots are rarely listened to, or heard, or cared about, until it is time to vote again where politicians make the next future faking statements.

And it explains something that I had wondered about for a long time: someone who was quite wealthy in my own personal life got obsessed with stealing, hiding things, hoarding, taking way more than their fair share, and probably even breaking the law to do it. They were totally negotiation adverse too - they would just take and get "dupers delight", and a following high from it. Until I studied Antisocial Personality Disorder, and knew about the psychological impacts of gaining power over others, it made very little sense to me. 

I will have some more research articles to share with you in the post entitled "How Being Exposed to Shaming, Erroneous Blaming, Perspecticide, Gaslighting, and Most of All Fawning, Can Create Narcissism in a Child, Plus a Tease About a Personal Story". It would be redundant to list them here. 

Have a happy holiday, and don't let narcissists ruin it. 

Narcissistic Abuse with Parentification and Infantilization

 

Note: I injured my hand, and I couldn't manipulate my computer art programs, so I will be uploading a picture here at a future date ...

This post will primarily cover why and how narcissists parentify minors, and why and how they infantilize adults (both partners and adult children). Another post will cover why and how alcoholics and addicts can behave somewhat similarly, and why, if they have both conditions, it can be a stand-out trait which is difficult to ignore.

PARENTIFICATION OF A MINOR

According to this Wikipedia article, the definition of parentification is:

     Parentification or parent–child role reversal is the process of role reversal whereby a child or adolescent is obliged to act as parent to their own parent or sibling.[1][2]

     Two distinct types of parentification have been identified technically: instrumental parentification and emotional parentification. Instrumental parentification involves the child completing physical tasks for the family, such as looking after a sick relative, paying bills, or providing assistance to younger siblings that would normally be provided by a parent. Emotional parentification occurs when a child or adolescent must take on the role of a confidante or mediator for (or between) parents or family members.[2][3]

In that same Wikipedia article, parentification with narcissistic parents is described as:

Narcissistic parentification occurs when a child is forced to take on the parent's idealised projection, something which encourages a compulsive perfectionism in the child at the expense of their natural development.[21] In a type of pseudo-identification, the child is induced by any and all means to take on the characteristics of the parental ego ideal[22] – a pattern that has been detected in western culture since Homer's description of the character of Achilles.[23]

Negative effects are described as (from the same Wikipedia article):

     Parentification is harmful when it is unfair and significantly burdens the child.[20] As it may be adaptive or maladaptive,[5] it is not always pathological, but its destructive form (termed destructive parentification) is linked to maladaptive parenting, child maladaptation, physical abuse, sexual abuse, behavioral problems, decreased emotionality, and poor social competence.[3][20][24] Parentified children also have a higher risk of depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, and low self-esteem.[20][24] ...
     ... A significant byproduct of parentification is losing one's own childhood.[26] The child may also drop out of school to assume the parental role.[13] In destructive parentification, the child in question takes on excessive responsibility in the family, without their caretaking being acknowledged and supported by others.[27] By adopting the role of parental caregiver, the child loses their real place in the family unit and is left lonely and unsure.[12] In extreme instances, there may be what has been called a kind of disembodiment, a narcissistic wound that threatens one's basic self-identity.[28] In later life, parentified children often experience anxiety over abandonment and loss, and demonstrate difficulty handling rejection and disappointment within interpersonal relationships.[29]

For literary examples of parentification, look to Agnes Wickfield in the novel, David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens.

Then there are the terms, "emotional incest" and "covert incest" which are often used interchangeably. 

The definition given for emotional incest from GoodTherapy.org (from the article, Emotional Incest: When Parents Make Their Kids Partners by Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT):

     Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a dynamic that occurs in parenting where the parent seeks emotional support through their child that should be sought through an adult relationship. Although the effects of emotional incest can be similar to those resulting from physical incest, the term does not encompass sexual abuse.

In terms of why it happens (from the same article):

     Most often, emotional incest occurs when an adult marriage or relationship is fragile, a parent is lonely, or there is a broken family dynamic such as infidelity, mental health conditions, or addiction. One or both parents may seek to get their emotional needs met through the child instead of seeking support from adults. Sometimes a parent will undermine the other parent during an argument or separation/divorce proceedings by putting children in the middle or colluding with a child, which increases the level of the parent’s dependency on the child. The child, in turn, may become concerned about having to take sides or protect a parent. ... 
     ... Emotional incest also can impact the family dynamic as a whole. One partner typically experiences being shut out and may be denied opportunities for parent-child bonding. Additionally, other children may be neglected as the parent leans heavily on the “chosen child.”

In another article by GoodTherapy.com, the article, Enmeshment and Blurred Boundaries: Emotional Incest Explained by Fabiana Franco, PhD goes a little further in explaining how enmeshment (another kind of relationship feature that narcissists demand to feel both securely attached to their child, and also in control and in a state of domination with their child) can also lead to parentification. Here are some highlights of the article when it comes to narcissistic abuse:

     Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, has nothing to do with incestuous sexual abuse. Rather, it is an unhealthy emotional relationship between a parent and a child that blurs boundaries in a way that elevates the child into an adult role. The parent looks to the child for emotional support. In some cases, the parent also seeks practical support from the child.
     In an emotionally incestuous relationship, the child is expected to meet the needs of the parent rather than the parent meeting the needs of the child. This type of relationship, which is similar to enmeshment, is inappropriate and can be psychologically damaging for the child. ...
     ... Emotional incest occurs when the child believes they are responsible for their parent’s emotional well-being. This can happen when the parent talks to the child as though the child were an adult. The parent may request advice from the child regarding adult issues and can even place the child in the role of therapist. ...
    ... Elevating a child to the role of supporter and adult can lead to neglect and emotional abuse. A parent who is overly dependent on a child can also be critical and neglectful. Parents who have traversed or inverted parent-child roles can refuse or be unable to provide appropriate support for the child. This can result in a confusing mix of love and abuse (Hosier, 2015).
      When a parent relies on the child, the child’s needs are not being met. Children who are placed in the role of adults often do not know how to ask for help. They understand that their parent is unable or uninterested in providing emotional support, so they deny their own needs. ...
    ... Parents with narcissistic personality (NPD) may lack insight into how their behavior affects their child (Kriesberg, n.d.). They may also justify or deny their behavior and refuse to see that their child may be suffering.
     Narcissistic parents and parents who engage in emotional incest often need praise from their child. Questions such as, “Am I a good mother?” or, “How much do you love me?” can place the child in a precarious position, as the child is not allowed to complain or express their own needs. Instead, the parent is the primary one who needs care. This unspoken understanding that the child’s needs are not as important as the needs of the parent can have lasting effects and can cause difficulties in adult relationships.

There are several aspects at work when narcissists expect enmeshment with parentification with one or more of their children. 

But first, let us get to the definition of enmeshment (also from GoodTherpay.org):

     ... Enmeshment is a psychological term that describes a blurring of boundaries between people, typically family members. Enmeshment often contributes to dysfunction in families and may lead to a lack of autonomy and independence that can become problematic. ...
     ... While many families value closeness and intimacy, enmeshment goes beyond the bonds of a close family. Enmeshment may mean a parent centers their actions or emotions on the child(ren) and their successes or mistakes, attempts to know and direct all of the child’s thoughts or feelings, and relies heavily on the child(ren) for emotional support. ... 
      ... In enmeshed families, children may be brought up with the expectation that they will accede to their parents’ wishes and develop the same belief system and ideals. ...
     ... Most often, enmeshment occurs between a child and parent and may include the following signs:
- Lack of appropriate privacy between parent and child
- A child being “best friends” with a parent
- A parent confiding secrets to a child
- A parent telling one child that they are the favorite
- One child receiving special privileges from a parent
- A parent being overly involved in their child’s activities or achievements

Parentification can also occur in tandem with parental alienation. 

What is parental alienation? According to this Psychology Today article written by its staff members:

     Parental alienation occurs when a child refuses to have a relationship with a parent due to manipulation, such as the conveying of exaggerated or false information, by the other parent. The situation most often arises during a divorce or custody battle but it can happen in intact families as well.

Then there is parental alienation syndrome. According to an article by Amy J.L. Baker, aptly called Parental Alienation Syndrome, it is what can happen when a parent pressures a child to give up their other parent:

     Among the many areas of concern for social workers working with divorced or separated couples with children are two related problems: parental alienation, or the efforts on the part of one parent to turn a child against the other parent, and parental alienation syndrome, or a child’s unwarranted rejection of one parent in response to the attitudes and actions of the other parent.

Besides enmeshment and parentification, the narcissistic parent often expects:

- to dominate and control a child (even way past childhood)
- expect their child to flatter them and agree with their opinions (which is another sign of enmeshment and of exerting power and control)
- expects their child to play a role (the role is given by the parent to the child, and often means a lifelong role that the child cannot break out of unless they leave their parent)
- sometimes expects the child to "take the blame" (or the rap) when the parent commits the wrong, or when the child wants the parent to take some responsibility for the way the parent's relationships or life has worked out
- sometimes expects the child to believe, repeat and justify the known fibs of the parent.
- sometimes expects the parentified child to assist the parent in bullying, disciplining and in expecting perfection (in terms of deeds, looks, and behaviors that the parent wants from the other children in the household, but isn't getting, and looking to the parentified child to get the goal that the parent wants).
- sometimes expects the child to assist in terms of keeping the other children in the household walking on eggshells for the parent and making sure the other children in the household go along with the parent's rages being the fault of these other children in the household ( i.e. never the parent's fault)
- sometimes expects the parentified child to give up one or all of their siblings in order to serve the parent (a toxic combination of power and control, triangulation, rewards, enmeshment, playing favorites and the isolation tactic in order to get the child to submit).

All of it is held together by a kind of blackmail. The blackmail is more extreme and obvious for malignant narcissists and less extreme or obvious for communal narcissists on the whole. The black mail is more or less "You must validate me and follow my wishes at all times, or else you will be attacked like my scapegoat child or like the other children in the household." 

Usually the parentified child is awarded "favorite empathetic golden child status" or "favorite bully golden child status" depending on the parent's proclivities, and what she wants from his or her parentified child. Usually money, gifts and spending a lot more time with the parentified child is part of the mix.

One of the first ways you know that your parent expects emotional nurturing (a type of parentification) is when they look to you to tell them they are a good or great parent. If they don't get the answer they want, they withdraw either in self pity, with the silent treatment, or by overt raging and punishing you in some way. The reason they expect you to validate them as good parents can stem from:

- childhood emotional neglect, emotional or actual abandonment from a parent figure, or "insecure attachment" to a parent, all leading to the desire or entitlement to get emotional nurturance and emotional validation from their child or children instead. 

- they feel that what they want (true enmeshment and control) cannot happen when you don't prop up their ego or their entitlements to feel "grandiose" and "in charge". 

In other words, they expect their underage child to provide the emotional nurturance and supports that they did not get from their own parent or parents, which in turn can stunt the emotional growth of their child. The sad part is that this dependence can continue well into their child's adult years and old age. It can create children who "fail to launch" into true adulthood. It can also manifest as side effects in a child: crippling guilt, crippling "obligation" to serve their parent, and crippling fear (the fear of being abandoned if they do not parentify to the parent's standards). 

Narcissists are often still stuck in childhood and "child behaviors". 

The silent treatment, one of their favorite weapons, has often been described as "childish". Stealing or destroying another person's personal property (one of the favorite pastimes of malignant narcissists) is even more childish. It shows no more maturity than a very small child stealing cookies from the cookie jar and trying to get away with it.

It shows how destructive they get when they don't "get their way". "Getting their way" is very much a childhood dream of being a princess, prince, queen or king where tantrums like rage and threats are supposed to get them good results from their underling pretend-sycophant children. Contrast that with adult behavior and ways of coping: instead of the silent treatment, silent sulking, and playing the victim, the "fully launched adult" talks things out, has the ability to compromise, is capable of negotiating and listening with an open mind, is humble and is self assured enough to know that he doesn't know everything and can be open to new perspectives and experiencing things, has the strength of character and experience to know that he isn't always going to get his way, has the ability to see how he can effect others in a positive or negative way, and is grown up enough not to take opposing views as a personal insult. Instead of stealing, a "fully launched adult" will know why it is illegal and why it is hurtful, selfish, and often spiteful to steal (stealing deprives one person in order to fulfill another person). It's low, but it is also 3 year old behavior: "If Mommy doesn't give me that cookie, I'm going to steal it. If she asks me if I ate it, I'll lie." 

If you've got a genuine seven year old child trying to take care of an adult who has "failed to launch" past four years old, it's a little like the blind leading the blind. Most children are going to fail at being a parent to their parent. At best their emotions and desires will be ignored, and at worst they will be hit over having emotions. These children are likely to be taken for granted, or raged at and abused for not parentifying enough.   

If the four year old acting adult is giving the seven year old real child the silent treatment, the real child isn't going to really understand why: they are more likely to react: either an anxious-ambivalent style or an anxious-avoidant style. That is because most children who receive the silent treatment have been receiving it in similar ways most of their life (through neglect or a parent's resentment of having to raise a child). They have been receiving negative feedback, rather than soothing, since they were tiny babies. 

If the four year old acting parent is stealing or breaking the toys of the seven year old real child, the real child is not going to really understand why this is happening either. They might, in the best of circumstances, realize that it is unjust and that it hurts. 

All in all it creates a co-dependent "mess".

It definitely creates a dysfunctional and toxic family. In toxic families ruled by narcissists, you'll usually find other members who "failed to launch" as full autonomous adults too. Co-dependency is the main priority of toxic families. The other priority is "soothing the parent" rather than soothing the child. In fact, the child's feelings are often ignored in narcissistic families. Children are required to walk on eggshells around their supersensitive can-rage-at-any-moment parent, but if the child feels anything, they are told to squelch their feelings, or that their feelings are selfish and are being "used to get attention." It's normal for children to have trouble regulating their emotions and self soothing, but when the parent is worse at it than the child, it's a disaster.

And many children resent the fact that the only relationship that their parent will accept is an enmeshed, co-dependent one. Even rewarded golden children get sick of the lack of boundaries and triangulation that their parent uses to remain the number one focus. Some golden children will do just about anything for money and rewards, but they sacrifice their own well-being and many, many relationships in the process, even with their own spouse. 

In the end, the resulting co-dependency that happens over this, can create a normalization of the silent treatment, normalization of going ballistic over relatively small mistakes, stealing and breaking other people's personal property, especially if the parent looks the other way, coddles or rewards the real child. And often certain children are rewarded for being co-dependent or accepting a state of "emotional incest", and acting like the parent acts, as long as the parent doesn't have to fix the child's emotional dysregulations or rages themselves, and that the golden's rage or other outbursts go somewhere else for someone else to fix (possibly a sibling in childhood, and possibly a spouse in adulthood). 

But keeping the parent emotionally regulated and soothed isn't the only thing that their parentified child has to perform, usually. They may be called upon to take care of a younger sibling, their other parent, the parent's physical needs, health needs, psychological needs, financial needs, technology needs (like fixing a computer or resetting a home alarm system), nutritional needs and transactional needs (which can include getting on the phone with repairmen, doing grocery and bank transactions, dealing drugs at a young age for a parent's clients, being called upon by their parent to bully other family members -often called being a flying monkey). In some cases, the child may be called on to provide a parent's sexual needs, needs for sadism, or proxy raging.

Although parentification isn't child abuse per se, it often leads to child abuse. 

It also leads to stunting the child's emotional and intellectual growth. 

INFANTILIZATION OF AN ADULT

According to Wikipedia:

Infantilization is the prolonged treatment of one who has a mental capacity greater than that of a child as though they are a child.[1] Studies have shown that an individual, when infantilized, is overwhelmingly likely to feel disrespected. Such individuals may report a sense of transgression akin to dehumanization.[2]

Infantilization can happen in peer and partner relationships. In narcissistically abusive partnerships or marriages, the abuser tells his partner what to do, "how to behave", and assumes authority over them. 

In the article, The Effects & Examples of the Infantilization of Women from Study.com it states:

     The infantilize definition is when someone treats an adult as if they were a child, primarily through the use of demeaning practices. The infantilization of women is when others, usually men, treat adult women as children, most often concerning sexism and misogyny. Some common manifestations of infantilization are linguistic, such as over-simplifying explanations, using demeaning nicknames (e.g., "sweetheart" or "honey"), or suggesting that the infantilized person would not understand a topic without reason. Infantilizing behaviors can also be physical, such as pinching someone's cheek or offering a woman a hug when offering a man a handshake. The infantilization of women often also involves regulating their appearances and which social spheres they can occupy, such as what types of jobs they can hold. From a psychological perspective, someone using infantilizing behaviors conveys a sense of superiority over the other person and can cause psychological damage and is often frustrating to the infantilized person who can internalize feelings of inadequacy. ...

     ... Women have historically been infantilized in western society because their prescribed social role is lesser than a man's, rendering women lesser according to this structure and at a disadvantage to change the situation. Treating women as children is linked to objectification because it establishes an unequal power dynamic, stripping the woman of her autonomy. Often women are infantilized in the workplace because of their historical disadvantage in entering the professional realm. Many feminists have discussed infantilization as a gendered practice to illustrate how it further disenfranchises women, especially in the workplace. A seminal example of this argument is Simone de Beauvoir's The Second Sex, where she argues that sexist treatments of women (including infantilization) conceptualize women as "other" and men as "normal." Overall, men infantilize women more often than the opposite, but women can also infantilize other women. ...

However, it can also happen to men by their marriage partners too. It is not as common because narcissism is around 75 percent more common in men than women (male privilege or male golden child status helps to exacerbate the problem of men becoming narcissistically and arrogantly inclined), but when men are infantilized, such as when they are not in the dominant race or culture of the society, it can also make them feel as inadequate, invisible, dominated and "used" as any woman in the same position.

In the case of men, narcissistic women "use" men for money more than for sex.

A lot of divorces from narcissistic women are as hellish as divorces from narcissistic men. 

A good example of infantilization in a marriage can be seen in the movie, Sleeping With the Enemy. 

Then there is infantilization of adult children:

In the article, Causes Of Infantilization by Joy Youell for Better Help, infantilization when it comes to a relationship between someone who is narcissistic and their adult child looks like this:

     Infantilization happens when adults are treated like a child. This can occur, for example, when parents refuse to allow their child to grow up or when adult children treat senior parents as if they can’t make decisions on their own. Infantilization can feel demeaning, and can compromise a person’s mental health. It’s important for parents to recognize the signs of infantilization, so you can appropriately manage it in yourself or other parents. ...

     ... Some experts have closely associated infantilization with narcissism, where parents fear their children becoming adults and therefore their equals. To prevent this from happening, they attempt to stop time. Parents can limit their adult children by treating them like small children, and by treating them like a toddler or juvenile, it keeps them stuck in their youth and therefore is a safeguard for the parent to maintain control. Throughout this article, we’ll discuss some of the causes of infantilization, potential effects of infantilization, and what you can do to recognize and address infantilization if it appears in your life.  ...
     Causes of Infantilization
      The causes of infantilization can vary, but in general a person who treats someone like an infant often feels superior or needs to feel superior. Children who are now adults may find that their parents refuse to see them as such. Instead, these parents feel the need to express superiority in many ways, including micromanaging their adult children’s activities.
     Parents who exhibit narcissistic tendencies are inclined to infantilize their children because they likely see their children as an extension of themselves. A child’s independence is a threat to that relationship. Using infantilization, parents undermine that independence by doing things for their children in inappropriate ways or by trying to make their child feel incompetent when learning something new. ... 
     The article goes on to give examples of infantilization:
     Disapproval
     Interference
     Excessive Criticism
     The effects of it can add up to:
     ... For adult children, it can create a sense of dread around interacting with their parents. If the situation goes on long enough, the child may end up cutting off contact with their parents.
     In terms of infantilizing seniors the article states:
     ... On the other end of the spectrum, seniors can become dependent on their children for care. These adult children find themselves stepping in and making decisions for their parents, and they may not even consult their parents. In the end, they treat their parents as if they are incapable of making decisions for themselves, despite the fact that they may still have a clear mind. This could make the parent infantilized.
     Parents need to be willing to address these issues with their children, reminding them that they are adults as well. If necessary, legal protections can be put in place to keep adult children from overstepping the boundaries of the relationship. ...
     My own observation: if you are a senior, making sure you are not infantilized by your own children means not infantilizing them after they become full adults. Remember that you teach more by example than by words, and you don't want to normalize "infantilizing adults" of any age. 

Infantilization of adult children can go hand in hand with narcissistic traits too:
* perspecticide and invalidation: they deem that you are not worth listening to or hearing out because you are still being perceived as a child
* perfectionism: they deem that you are still a child who needs to know how to act perfectly, and to do things perfectly - usually for them. They deem you still need to be a parent-pleaser just like you were when you were six. In other words, they put themselves in the "teacher" position (which is annoying to any adult, even adult children). If they can't get what they want, they usually stoop to erroneous blaming and commanding behaviors to get what they want.   
* gaslighting: they treat you like an inept crazy child because you need someone (usually them) to boss you around and tell you what to do
* physical abuse: they deem that you need to be punished (to go around hurt) because you didn't act the way they wanted you to, or you didn't do what they wanted. The message is: "You need to behave yourself and the only way I know that will happen is if I hurt you!" Note: physical abuse of one adult towards another adult is illegal.
* emotional bullying: they also deem that you need to be punished (to go around hurt), but the hurt is emotional: triangulation, smear campaigns, the silent treatment, having affairs on you (if you are their spouse), only having a relationship with your other siblings (when you are their kid), circular arguments, stonewalling, a lot of attempts at trashing your self esteem. 
* Even their common statements like "You're ungrateful", "You create drama", "You brought this upon yourself" is not indicative of an adult conversation. All of their endless "behavior lessons" (when their own behaviors are hypocritical and dubious at best and incredibly evil and abusive at worst) is also just another round of infantilization.

Note: narcissists do not usually give up infantilizing you. It's how they feel powerful, dominant and in control (their unfortunate addiction). In terms of abuse, it is done by the narcissist so that they can keep assuming a role of power and control over you. It is harder for them to dominate and control you if they can't convince you that you are inept (i.e. childlike or disabled in some way). It is also how they get a grandiosity hit (again "hit" is used in the same way that the drug culture uses "hit" - i.e. taking the drug). If they get arrogant in the process of infantilizing you, you can practically bet that they are narcissists. 

If you ask them to stop with the infantilizing, and they don't, consider that they won't change and that you might want to put your attention elsewhere, on people who will treat you with respect, and as an equal.

As for other kinds of relationships: 

  

Infantilization can also happen in the work place, primarily from bosses or co-workers who are competitive, "bossy" and disparaging - it tends to happen to women more than men. 

It can happen to seniors (as in the article above).

And infantilization can happen to adults with disabilities. This means they will be trying to take away your rights more and more. They may insist on making all of the decisions for you. In order to avoid being exploited, it is important to see a lawyer.  

It can happen in a sibling relationship, especially if the narcissistic abuser is or was the golden child of your common parent and you were the scapegoat. In that case, you are infantilized in the same way that your sibling saw the parent do it to you. However, it can be quite a bit worse, and also a lot more dangerous because the parent does not see themselves as a rival to their child necessarily, as much as a sibling sees his other sibling as a rival.
     In sibling rivalry, the golden child may try to dominate you and lie about you to the parent to keep his or her status up (and to keep getting rewarded), and for your status to drop. So many of them put rewards from the parent absolutely first before any relationship with you, so that can make them dangerous as well. 
     Infantilizing can also be used by itself: to keep their status high and yours low by appearing to be ultra-competent, and you disabled and inept. 
     If your parent is heavily narcissistic, they will have created the hellish "sibling rivalry" themselves to make their children fight for their love (many children don't even realize this is going on until they are in therapy and when you begin to evaluate how your parent treated your siblings). But by the time they put your sibling first in almost all situations and transactions, usually by early childhood, and you last, it is fixed that way for life usually. If you are the parent's scapegoat, or the family scapegoat, then they are extremely unlikely to change (being able to hear anything other than their golden child's perspectives). They can be extremely cruel unless you repeat, puppet-like, that their golden child is all wonderful, all competent, all altruistic, while you are expected to self-flagellate and portray yourself as all inept and all wrong - not likely over the long term, even when your parent expects it and blackmails for it. It means that you are expected to lie about how great the golden child is even if and when they are a bully. 
     In those cases, there is nothing you can do to change their minds that you don't deserve the abuse of your sibling. They turned off your voice a long, long time ago. 
     Note: if your parent neglects that you are abused, or if your parent expects you to apologize to your abuser, you are a scapegoat of your family. Scapegoating is usually extremely dangerous because you have no advocates, no one to keep the abuse from escalating. And it can escalate very, very fast, especially if the sibling is scapegoating (treating you abusively while being nice to other people), and if they are physically abusive.  
     Also note: a parent expecting you to apologize to an abusive sibling, or arm-twisting you to do so, is also a form of infantilization and very, very common in toxic narcissistic families. Co-adults respect your decisions to separate from your sibling, no matter how uncomfortable it is for your parent. In most of these situations, holidays are split: Thanksgiving with one child, and Christmas with the other, for instance. If they insist on infantilizing you about your decisions to cut ties with the golden child sibling, and you are the family scapegoat, infantilization can mean dangerous situations coming from many directions.
     Most scapegoats leave their families because of escalating abuse, or have extremely limited contact (usually restricted to very large family gatherings, if that). 

Realize that infantilization can go hand-in-hand with parentification, and often does, causing you to feel confused and being prone to cognitive dissonance. 

If you are being "punished" in a marriage by your partner, or if you are being punished as an adult by your parents, that is almost always a sign that you are being infantilized and abused. Most domestic violence scenes have to do with both as well. 

I bet you'll be able to relate to the articles above as well as articles having to do with gaslighting, invalidation of your feelings and thoughts, walking on eggshells around your abusers rages, and other articles having to do with narcissistic abuse (found on the right column in this blog).

HOW INFANTILIZATION AND PARENTIFICATION
IS RELATED TO GASLIGHTING

In gaslighting, the main objective of the abuser is to dominate you, to obtain evermore power and control over you by trying to convince you that you are too crazy (and therefor inept) at being an adult, that you need to be told what to do, that you need to be reprimanded when you aren't doing things to their exact standards, and that you need to be punished if you act like an autonomous adult making your own decisions. 

But before they get to that point, they need to convince you that you are crazy first. And that's where the invalidation of your thoughts, feelings and experiences come in. 

They need to convince you that your thoughts aren't right. Phrases such as "That's not the way it happened", "You need to see a psychiatrist", "You've never been able to decipher reality from fiction", "That's conspiratorial thinking", "You can never get things right", "I'm not interested in what your thoughts are" are some common phrases.

Your feelings are also negated: "You're too sensitive", "You make a mountain out of a molehill", "If you had just done what I told you to do, you wouldn't be in pain now", "You're such a drama queen", "You really need to get a grip", "If you're going to cry, you'll get it!", "I can't stand you when you're upset", "You brought this upon yourself", "You don't feel that way! The way you really feel is -", "Oh, here we go again!" when you are upset, or when you try to bring up their abuse and, of course, "I'm not interested in what you feel".  

Your experiences are also negated: "It didn't happen that way", "Poor thing! You can't get a grip on reality", "The way it happened was - ", "If you can't agree with me on this, then I guess the relationship is over", "I don't want to hear what your experiences are" followed by "They are so boring!" or "This isn't relevant" or "Why would you think I want to hear about this?"

The reason why this is going on is that narcissists have very little empathy, and it is a power play to put themselves, their concerns, their emotions, their trials, their experiences ahead of yours. They want the attention going their way, and the inconvenience of dealing with your emotions, thoughts and experiences is irritating to a lot of them. 

They tend to be liars too. And the reason they lie is to get their own way, especially in the perspectives department. They reason that their "so-called", "lie-filled" reality needs to come before yours.

If they are being called upon to deal with your emotions, thoughts and experiences, they can discard you or at least shut your voice down. 

The reason for grooming you in this way is to get you infantilized, and hopefully parentified too: dealing with their rages by listening to why they rage: for you to take care of the issue they are raging at you about. Some of them advance to rages with threats. Often it is a blackmail maneuver, and also it is an assumption that you have empathy for them, which you probably do. The way rages relate to gaslighting is that if you don't agree to do something for them to get them emotionally regulated again, they are likely to call you crazy, and sometimes stupid as well, or at the very worst, beat you up, or run smear campaigns on you, or end the relationship with you completely.

They are all pretty predictable in this way. 

Dealing with their rages is a parentifying move. If they say they can't help but rage because you "are so --" (trying to convince you that you are the cause of their rages), watch them in public with some of the same issues. I bet they don't rage there. 

The infantilizing move, is to get you feeling incompetent enough that you will take orders from them. Infantilizing can also mean they will try to sabotage your adult dreams and ambitions, or at least try to control the details or give you lots of unsolicited advice about your career. They talk to you like you are a child who needs to learn lessons from them and to be lectured at. The worst of them try to micro-manage everything you do and say, even when it comes to your career. It is inappropriate to adult relationships. 

CONCLUSION

If you are being physically abused in addition to being infantilized, you can call a domestic violence hotline or check into a domestic violence center to assess the dangers, discuss safety plans, keeping your documents in a safe place, etc.

In another post, I will be covering parental alienation, something that often happens in conjunction with parentification and sometimes with infantilization too. 

FURTHER READING

Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (How narcissistic mothers manipulate and damage their sons.) - by 

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT for Psychology Today
excerpt:
     All children of narcissists suffer. Sons of narcissistic mothers suffer damage to their autonomy, self-worth, and future relationships with women.
     Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to nurture their children. They don’t see them as individuals, but as extensions of themselves. Their children’s feelings and needs are neglected and criticized, while their own take precedence. Narcissists feel entitled and insist on getting their way. They exact compliance through control, manipulation, guilt, and shame. It’s "their way or the highway,” and if you don’t oblige, they punish you with attacks, coldness, or withholding. Insecurity drives their insatiable, unrealistic needs for high regard and admiration. They take offense easily, triggering contempt and rage. Because they lack boundaries, they project—they shame and blame others for their own emotional discomfort, which they can’t tolerate. ...
     ... Just as daughters of narcissistic mothers experience their mother’s envy and competition, a narcissistic mother may be jealous of her son’s girlfriends and compete with his wife. No one will be good enough, because no one will measure up to her inflated self-image and standards. She must remain number one in his life. She may try to control and undermine his intimate relationships, criticize or disrespect his partner, or do so subtly with innuendo and manipulation. (See the movie Queen Bee.) Her son will feel hopelessly guilt-ridden and caught in the middle, trying to avoid hurting and angering his mother and partner (who may also be a narcissist or otherwise mentally unstable.) He feels guilty, is unaware of appropriate boundaries and unable to set them. ...
     ... Some sons of narcissists may develop a narcissistic personality disorder. Sons of narcissistic mothers have higher rates of narcissism. This may be because she’s more likely to idealize and aggrandize him rather than compete, as she would with a daughter.

Parentification: The Role of the Parentified Child in Narcissistic Families - by Carla Corelli for her own website
Note: this website also has other helpful articles

The Narcissist Parent’s Psychological Warfare: Parentifying, Idealizing, and Scapegoating - by Julie L. Hall, Contributor for the Huffington Post

The Real Effect of Narcissistic Parenting on Children (Narcissists raise children who suffer from crippling self-doubt.) - by Karyl McBride, PhD for Psychology Today

What is Infantilization? - by Brittany Loggins, medically reviewed by Ivy Kwong, fact checked by Aaron Johnson for Very Well Mind
excerpt:
     Infantilization is when an adult is being treated like a child, even though nothing about their mental, physical, social, or intellectual wellbeing requires such treatment.
     Oftentimes, parents are guilty of this to some degree as their children are growing up, particularly when they are teenagers and trying to forge their own path.

     That said, infantilization can also happen in both friendships and romantic relationships, especially if someone is trying to demonstrate superiority. Verywell Mind spoke with Dr. Sherry Benton, a practicing therapist and founder of digital the mental health platform TAO Connect, to find out more about what infantilization looks like and what impacts it can have.
     "Infantilizing is treating someone as less than they are," says Benton. "It is treating them as a child, a victim, and so forth."

The Infantilization of Women in Mainstream Media and Society - by Tavisha Sood for The Verdict Online

Why Narcissistic Parents Infantilize Their Adult Children - by Kaitlyn Vogel (medically reviewed by Nathan Greene, PsyD)

Please Stop Infantilizing Me — Especially In The Workplace - by Danielle Corcione for Ravishly

Parentification and the Codependent Four-Year-Old -- by Lenora Thompson for Psych Central

excerpt:

     ... "Over thirty years later, I realized that it’s unnatural for a four-year-old to be worried about their parents’ moods. A four-year-old should be coloring pictures, dressing dollies and making mud pies. Not worrying about whether their parent is too moody to laugh or not! ...

     ... I was a mature, responsible, down-to-earth, prematurely old carbon copy of my parents. There was no 'Lenora,' per se. I was too busy taking care of them, keeping them happy, not making any waves, trying to be inaudible and invisible, playing the clown to manipulate Dad into laughter. It wasn’t really safe to become an authentic, unique, opinionated person in my own right. That came later. I finished growing up in my thirties and no longer feel incomplete, un-grown-up ...

     ... I was always around, a paying, serving, shopping, helping personal assistant ...

     ... When you finally break from 'needy' parents, they will do everything in their power to make that transition hard for you. At the very least, they’ll ruin your joy in your new life." ...

found on Facebook: