JonBenet Ramsey and Burke Ramsey: would parents cover up one of their children's murder for the other?

Some of you may have watched the recent CBS special where top investigators, forensic experts and agents tried to figure out who killed 6 year old JonBenet Ramsey, a pageant "star" from a wealthy family. Conclusion? They believed quite strongly that 9 year old Burke Ramsey killed his little sister with a flashlight at the time, possibly over some pineapple (the contents of JonBenet's stomach at the time of autopsy). The investigators proved that the skull fracture was just the right size for the flashlight end and the investigators proved it could be done by a ten year old (Burke was almost ten).

Here is the Rolling Stone overview of the CBS special.

Here is the CBS channel.

NBC also did coverage that was inconclusive as to who the killer was.

In the series, some people who knew the family were interviewed. It was revealed that Burke had a bad temper, and was known to have left his feces in JonBenet's bed (also found during the investigation) and smeared on a jar in her room (also found during the investigation). He also shows no trauma when interviewed by a psychiatrist and investigator (or fear that someone will come back for him, considering the parents are insisting on the "intruder theory"). Also, recently in a Dr. Phil interview, he was admonished by viewers and commentators for smiling through parts where he talked about how his sister died.

So, let us hypothesize and say that Burke murdered his little sister unintentionally with a blow to her skull with a flashlight. Why would the parents cover it up if Burke could not be tried in a court of law? What would the parents have to lose by calling the police and telling them that Burke struck his little sister with a flashlight and the child appears unresponsive. After all, most parents would have done that, and it would certainly have made their lives easier to just tell the truth (as their lives began to become a media circus and continued for twenty years, with a grand jury wanting to indict the parents over a cover-up and possible accessory to a crime, plus losing their fortune, plus extreme efforts on their part to impede investigations into their lives, and all kinds of other repercussions that people who might be running from the law typically have to live with).

If they had staged the ransom note, a note that took at least 20 minutes to write inside the Ramsey's home (and took practice runs on another sheet of paper), and made the body look like the work of someone being held captive (duct tape across the mouth, hands loosely tied, rope around the neck), why would parents go to those lengths?

Telling the truth would only have meant probable loss of custody of Burke and some reputation in their community (being "non-exemplary parents").

If you have read any parts of this blog, parents who go to great lengths to shield violent and bullying children from repercussion tend to be narcissistic parents (they can also be sociopaths, but sociopaths do not care too much about the praise of others). Narcissistic parents care much more about their reputations as being infallible parents than what is happening to their kids, or how their kids are interacting with each other. Most narcissistic parents take either a hands-off approach, letting the kids battle it out with each other without interference, or they actively promote the bullying (empathy is derided, and seen as a weakness in most narcissistic families). See
* Sibling Abuse and Sibling Bullying
* Parents Who Pit Siblings Against Each Other, a Folly That Fosters Abuse
* Favoritism: Fostering Abuse for Everyone in the Family, and Why a Narcissistic Parent Favors and Loves the Golden Child Most, and What It Does to the Whole Family
* Abusive Families who Triangulate (Love Triangles) -- Narcissists, Children, Lovers, et al

JonBenet was in many beauty pageants, a brainstorm of her mother. But it has also been reported that JonBenet also considered her trophies to be her mother's rather than hers. It seemed that the mother was trying to mold her child, and applauding acting skills, rather than authentic child reactions to what JonBenet was experiencing. Being a good "actor" is paramount to being a narcissist: you act out that you are better, more beautiful, more desirable, and especially "more perfect" than others, so that you can "get ahead" in the social sphere. It is a way of manipulating a vision that others have of you. Beauty Pageant mothers would say that it is "good discipline" for a child to be poised, and standing up straight, and being open to being judged, and to think carefully about her own reputation in terms of words and actions. It brings about manners. However, this sets up a certain kind of rigidity and formalism within a family: real feelings aren't talked about, and what is going on isn't talked about much either. So fatal violence can and does occur more easily in a narcissistic household than it does in a normal household.

In this context, the family unit is "everything", and its "infallibility" is everything, so yes, this kind of family could make up an intruder theory just to remain "socially acceptable" to their wealthy peers.

Narcissists are also known to fall off their pedestals because their lives are so engrossed in "keeping up with the Joneses", lying, posturing, keeping their reputations intact, thwarting honesty and honest investigations, and acting, that somewhere along the line, they can and do end up with nightmare lives like the Ramseys. Something gets found out because most people are hard-wired to find the truth, not to cover it up (this is one thing narcissists do not understand about others). It is hard to be upstanding in your community if acting and lying is the only way you get there, so in the end, some of these parents are shunned anyway. A shunned narcissist is not a pretty sight. They will deflect and deny accountability until they have no other choice, but then the "I have sinned" crocodile tear-soaked revelations that leave the public in disgust often do come out.

But why would parents defile the body of their daughter? How could they put duct tape over her mouth, and tie her hands, especially when she was already dead (a dead child from a blow to the head is horrific enough), and particularly as they made great pains to make her pretty most of her life? Wouldn't that be a contradiction? And what about that garrote?

The thing one has to remember is that this child was constantly handled, and touched much, much more than other little girls. She was also paraded around with the realization that many eyes would be looking at the child. Let us surmise that the idea of dressing her up to such an extent was to give her an appearance.

Clothes are unique to our species: it is how we present ourselves to our fellow human beings. The more made-up we are, and the more clothes we have, and the more the culture buys into being made up and having hundreds of outfits as a standard of beauty, desirability, wealth and acceptability, may be a sign that we are all trying to hide from something. Perhaps the more we are made up, the more we become divorced from our authentic selves. It was the public's opinion that being a little girl in constant beauty pageants was inappropriate, and sexualized her, and precipitated being the target of a murder. This may be true, even if the murderer was Burke, which I will get to later.

What I want to say first is that she was dressed up, so dressing her down isn't so hard to fathom, particularly when your children are primarily being used as accessories for your own reputation. Dressing her down, as much as dressing her up, was perhaps used for the same end. Dressing her up was about presenting the daughter as beautiful, cute, sweet, desirable, wealthy, pampered, loved, revered and especially about being from a respectable family who appeared to put their children first, even to the extent of putting them on a pedestal. Dressing her down to look like she was the victim of a "small foreign faction" of kidnappers, i.e. outsiders (never from the adoring family!), who took pains to restrain her, prod her and break her skin with pin points, who put a cord around her neck, was to show that parents would never do this to their own child, especially on Christmas (just too cruel and grisly), so it just HAD TO BE from an outsider. "HOW COULD YOU EVEN BEAR TO THINK WE COULD DO THIS TO OUR OWN CHILD?!?"

But, I believe, it is possible for a parent to do this to her own child for show, particularly a narcissistic mother who is already in the business of dressing her daughter to reflect upon herself.

Narcissistic parents are known for either putting a child on a pedestal, or they neglect and reject them. In other words, narcissistic parents' children look as though they've either been dressed with clothes that come from the finest tailors, designers and stores, with labels to match, like little dolls, or they are dressed down, to make their children, especially children they have deemed to be "problem children" with hopelessly out of date hand-me-downs, unisex clothes, clothes that need mending, clothes that are ill-fitting, sweat clothes, or clothes that literally look like they came out of a dump or the Salvation Army (and not kidding). Narcissists are imbued with a great deal of jealousy and possessiveness, even towards their own children, and it depends on how strong that jealousy and possessiveness is in terms of which extreme they take in dressing their children up or down.

As for the sibling angle, in the animal world, some siblings find a way to gang up on another sibling and kick them out of the nest, ostracize them, leaving them to fend for themselves, or out to die. It is a way to get more resources and attention from a parent. In some instances, losing siblings can also be a threat to survival, especially if the parent does not find its way back to the nest. So, the sibling relationship is complicated: it is both competitive and co-operative. Most adult siblings who have grown up in a normal atmosphere (i.e. non-narcissistic parenting), do end up with sibling relationships that are more co-operative and loving than even the relationship that they have with their own parents. Having a close, loving sibling relationship has more impact on quality of life than just about any other relationship, as studies have shown.

However, that doesn't mean we will end up with siblings who want a close relationship, or with parents who want their offspring to be close. In fact, if you grew up in a narcissistic household, you will probably not be all that close to your sibling. Narcissistic parents usually want children to live up to parental demands. They want children to compete for resources, attention and love. They want children to be either infantalized or parentified (and there is often no other choice but these two extremes).

So children in narcissistic households are usually not close. The exception is with a family scapegoat who has had enough of family dynamics, left the family, and set up an independent alternative for the other siblings to either follow or reject. If the parents are highly manipulative with money, rewards and words, rejection of the scapegoat by the siblings is more typical, but not always (I explain why in this post).

If one parent is spending a great deal of time with dressing up her daughter like a doll, and making sure she is pedicured, manicured, that every hair is in place, and every piece of clothing is spotless, and every piece of jewelry priceless, the boy (Burke) in the situation, is not going to get the same kind of attention, even if he gets the same amount of attention in terms of time. It is my contention that children can still feel very competitive with their other sibling, even though rationally they understand that the kind of attention they crave is not possible because of their sex.

The issue is: the parent is emphasizing a one-on-one relationship with their child, and at the same time, excluding the other child from these activities. This kind of intense concentration on an exclusive relationship with a child is more palatable the older siblings get, but at a young age, it is not so easily understood aside from intense feelings a child is having about what he is experiencing or not experiencing with his parent, or with his sibling.

In other words: the parent isn't emphasizing the sibling relationship, putting the two of them together in the sandbox, monitoring them playing fair, being a team, and other kinds of activities which foster closeness in the sibling relationship. She is spending a great deal of time in activities which the boy, Burke, cannot be part of.

For a brother to be depositing his feces into his sister's bed on a consistent basis tells a lot as to how the sibling relationship is going. So Burke may have resented JonBenet's beauty and her constantly pampered state. It is different to how a pedophile might view JonBenet, but it still sets up a situation where abuse can (and does) easily happen. This is especially true if a child sees his parents constantly comparing themselves with the Joneses or keeping up with the Joneses. Comparing others will always be on the mind of children too, and exceeding at being on top can also consume children's minds as much as it does the parents who are raising them. Burke may have built up resentment knowing he couldn't be an angel dressed in white, with blonde curls flowing down his back, floating around at a Christmas party, often in the laps of all the guests. Resentment, anger and jealousy can make a child hit a little too hard, especially if the rage is already stewing in his heart, from feeling second fiddle, even over a bowl of pineapple. It may have been his way of saying "I have had enough!!"

I'm still suggesting that the sibling relationship is in the normal realm of parenting, with each child given equal time. But the realities of narcissistic homes is that there is often not fairness, or equal time. Again, it is usually an all-or-nothing situation where the favored golden children often gets a great deal, the dis-favored ones get the bare minimum, and the scapegoats get isolated from all of them and treated as though they are pariah who needs constant ongoing punishments and incarceration. The deprivation of scapegoats is often across the board: social, mental and material, with the child often derided with labels. I have no idea whether this set of dynamics played in the Ramsey household, but they may have.

A lot has been made of Burke's appearance when interviewed as a young child and by Dr. Phil when he was 29 years old, about how inappropriate his facial expressions are, how his words don't fit his body language, how his eyes dart around, how he smiles when talking about his sister's murder, how he never appears heartbroken, concerned or traumatized, how he uses words like "sorta" and "ya know" and "kind of" and other unsure phrasing. Most of the time I suggest not convicting based on facial expressions and tics, because victims of abuse often get further abused and punished for erroneous looks across their face. It is never a good idea to judge, especially via looks and body language (as we know, language comes in many forms and your language may not be the same as their language).

Assuming that he did NOT kill his sister, the body language could be a matter of Aspherger's, nervousness, panic, PTSD, feeling flipped out by the nation-wide exposure, feeling the need to provide a polite front while not knowing how to do it (thus the constant smile), feeling awkward in the midst of his first interview, autism, anything. We just do not know.

Assuming that he DID kill his sister, his facial expressions could be sociopathic (i.e. "I am getting away with lies and altered stories and snowing everyone"), "I am keeping up a good front despite the fact that it is my first interview", "Nothing can happen to me because my parents have always protected me and will continue to protect me," and any other number of feelings and responses. But just like the NO KILL explanations, we just do not know.

The one thing we probably can all surmise is that he grew up in unusual circumstances, hounded by the media, seeing his sister on newspapers at the store, having to hide out with protective parents, probably lacking relationships and play-dates with his peers, and all of the other things that make for a "different kind of childhood than the norm" with alienation at its core.

If he is living with the fact that he killed his sister, and learned how to lie about it, or his parents insisted on his lying, then he is probably a tortured soul in many ways. Surely if he did it, his parents would have had some inner resentment towards him for making that tragic mistake. He had to learn to be inauthentic, to put on a face, to appear like an upstanding member of the family and community while living with the internal dread of having killed his sister. Holding on to that kind of secret has repercussions for the next generation, as they too will probably be expected to stuff their feelings and experiences. We tend to pass on what we know, unless we are committed to enlightenment and living in the truth. It is like holding onto a diseased organ within ones body. It is like holding onto a diseased mind too, not unlike Rodion Raskolnikov's mind in "Crime and Punishment".

Burke smiles, but he does not appear happy to me -- whether he did or did not commit the crime.    

In any case, narcissistic households are usually rife with sibling discord, ostracized members, suicides and attempted suicides, members with PTSD, alienation of children from their parents, alienation between siblings, members who are deemed "crazy" or "stupid" by parental authorities, parents who do not know where their children are or what they are doing, addicts, fake smiles, fake family togetherness, fake family loyalty, and yes, even grave injuries and murders between one family member against another family member, with cover-ups, and other assorted toxic family signs. In narcissistic households, bullying is often rewarded, and victimization often punished.

Being in a narcissistic family is a little too hard on its members. Most wish, even if the family is wealthy, that they had been born into another family.  

taunting and goading is bullying (and bullying is abuse)!

name of cartoon: "Taunting and Goading is Bullying

and Bullying is Abuse"

image is © 2016 by Lise Winne

(for questions regarding use of images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

The definition of taunting (from Google) is:
noun
1. a remark made in order to anger, wound, or provoke someone.
synonyms: jeer, jibe, sneer, insult, barb, catcall; informal dig, put-down; teasing, provocation, goading, derision, mockery

verb
1. provoke or challenge (someone) with insulting remarks.
synonyms: jeer at, sneer at, scoff at, poke fun at, make fun of, get at, insult, tease, chaff, torment, goad, ridicule deride, mock, heckle, ride; informal rib, needle

The definition of goading (from Google) as far as abuse is concerned is:
verb
1. provoke or annoy (someone) so as to stimulate some action or reaction.
synonyms: provoke, spur, prod, egg on, hound, badger, incite, rouse, pressure

The noun of "goad" probably has something to do with the origin of the word:
1. a spiked stick used for driving cattle
synonyms: prod, spike, staff, crook, rod
"he applied his goad to the cows"

Usually both taunting and goading are used in tandem in abusive situations, along with verbal abuse and smear campaigns. Taunting and goading is usually where abuse starts (after making a laughing stock or derisive jokes). It is usually also the beginning of non-empathetic, cruel responses, and it usually escalates from there into a whole arsenal of other kinds of abuses.

Why is taunting and goading abuse? The purpose of taunting and goading for bullies is the same as in all abusive relationships: to find a scapegoat who will absorb a person's or a group's rage, anger and blame, and to gain power and control over the scapegoat and others within the social sphere.

If a person seems different, to have a different perspective and philosophy than the group, to be alone in some manner, taunting and goading that person separates that person from the group further mentally and emotionally for both the perpetrators and the victim. The perpetrator looks upon the victim as "not one of us" and the victim looks upon the perpetrators as "different from me."

Taunting and goading is contempt with a challenge. It is to provoke or annoy in order to stimulate some action or reaction from the target.

Most taunting and goading in bullying situations is filled with insulting remarks or derision, or it can be passive aggressive too (a lot of silent treatments, stonewalling attempts to discuss and resolve, chiding, targeted jokes, saying under-handed things which imply a threat, or communicating an "I don't care what you are going through" kind of message that abusers are famous for, particularly when "they should care"). Taunting and bullying is used to incite someone into an emotional state. The bullies want their target to feel anger, or depression, or sad, or alone, or to have feelings of inferiority. They want you to have feelings that you are different from others (a "freak" not worthy of their company or respect). It is all an isolation tactic.

Bullies want you to believe that fairness and justice are not meant for you, that they exclude you, and are only meant for others. They hope that this will incite you to fight back. They hope also that you will be so enraged as to not be rational. Ultimately, taunting, goading, injustice and bullying are used to provoke you into defending yourself, displaying emotion, or debating with them, or to compete with them, or to go away, or to go on the attack. The bullies want a reaction, and count on it, so that they can continue with more taunting, goading and bullying. They rationalize in their minds that any reaction you have is justification for more bullying.

If you defend yourself, the defense often comes with revealing something. The bullies might get emotional information about you so that they know what weaknesses you have so that those weaknesses can be used for more bullying. Any information they can get is what is used for more derision and put-downs. Labels such as "stupid", "crazy" and "twisted" may be used too. These are verbal abuses with gaslighting (all of it is likely to escalate to psychological abuses, emotional abuses and physical abuses).

At any rate, kindness is not part of the vocabulary. That is the point of goading, taunting and bullying: it is to get you to understand that no one will be kind to you, no one has compassion or empathy for your issues or perspectives. In the end what it really communicates is that no one in the social circle cares about you, or your well-being, i.e. no one cares about you physically, mentally or emotionally.

Taunting, goading and bullying are meant to diminish the target's self esteem. Bullies hope that if they drill into a target that he is not wanted or liked, that he will feel unworthy of being wanted or liked himself (i.e. poor self esteem). But it is a falsehood, a campaign that was manufactured by the bullies.

In a social context, taunting and goading's purpose is to get others to see the victim as "less than", i.e. inferior to others in the social circle he belongs to. It is a type of vilification and scapegoating.

Most tauntings and goadings are used to disable a victim from feeling he can "win an argument". In other words, it is meant to instill in a target that he cannot win respect, dignity, regard, or a voice in issues which effect him.

The bullies also usually try to make it known to the target, that the target is overwhelmed by a lot of opposition, such as "no one likes you" or "no one agrees with you" or "You're not important" or "you're not an important member." It is used to isolate someone from the social circle. The target is usually also told there may be ever more bully recruits on the way who will go against him. The target feels like an outcast, and the bullies teach him that he is an outcast only deserving of derision from the group. Mocking, gossip and scorn are almost always used in tandem with goading and taunting. These other types of abuses are designed to wear a victim down further into some kind of reaction.

And it is natural to react to bullying and injustice, except reactions often get victims of bullying into a deeper hole with ever more abuse hurled at them. Any reaction at all from the victim, even silence, is usually used in some way by the bullies to dish out more abuse (incidentally, silence and shutting down are symptoms of PTSD). These are some instances of how bullies sometimes react to the targets who have PTSD and who have gone silent:
"What-sa matta? Cat got your tongue? You really are a wimp! And stupid too! You know you are, otherwise you'd have something to say!"
"Ha! Ha! Good you're silent! That means you know we are right!"
"Good! We like it when you're silent! Who wants to hear what you have to say, anyway!?"
"Good! I'm glad to see that you know that what you have to say isn't important!"
"Come on! Talk, talk, talk, talk!" -- with chanting.
"If you don't friggin' talk, then you know what the consequences are!"

Even defending yourself from a physical attack can result in a bully or bullies telling authorities that you un-provokingly hurt one of their brethren (see my post on Abusers Often Accuse their Victims of What They are Guilty Of coming soon -- or check out a similar topic: Projection).

Bullying is abuse and almost all abuse escalates no matter what a victim does, how a victim acts, what he says, how he dresses, who his friends are, who he tries to please, no matter how much he tries to fit in, no matter how ingratiating he appears to be. Bullying and abuse are aberrant reactions, and the fault of the abuse lies entirely with the perpetrators of abuse. To understand more about who abusers are (mostly people with Cluster B personality disorders), why they perpetrate abuse, and who they tend to target for abuse, go to my post HERE.

In family situations, taunting and goading is most often expressed as playing "favorites" with children. The parent(s) thinks that by playing favorites, it will spur all children to work harder (and especially to work hard for parental approval and love). If the child cries over the injustice, the abusive parent is sometimes known to get a little skip in their step, and be unmoved by the child's pain.

It is no different than bullies on the playground: they like upsetting their targets.

In the end, most children who are scapegoated by bullying parent(s) or bullying sibling(s) end up abandoning their family. Most children know that "real" parental love is not abuse with taunting and goading, or conditional upon unrealistic and hair-trigger expectations of "perfectionism" (see my post on perfectionism for better understanding). If bullying is carried on for any length of time, especially into teenage years, children can become highly rebellious. If it is carried into adulthood, estrangement from parents is more the norm. See my post on Favoritism in the Family for more information.

Alternatively, many parents reject children outright, hoping it will spur those children to want to be accepted. The problem with this thinking is that it negates feelings in a child of wanting to be accepted by abusive parents. The child cannot respect his parents, because his parents are abusive. So in the end, you may have parents who give up on a child who won't bend under pressure no matter how many "punishments" (i.e. abuse) are hurled at them. And you also have a child or children who will not bend under pressure because he has no respect for bullying hypocritical parents.

So, what is a person to do about taunting and goading?

What victims of bullying often find is that having a loner status is a detriment. So they often form their own group (perhaps other victims are part of that group) and defend each other from the attacks and isolation tactics of the bullies, much as a tribe defends its members against another tribe out in the jungle. The other analogy is to keep the "good people" together in a unit, a herd, so that the bullies (predators) cannot isolate out one victim at a time to feed on (i.e,. to get narcissistic supply from). Often the best offense and defense is associating with a group of fair-minded, ethical, peaceful people with a common goal. It is always important to find others outside of the sphere of influence of the bullies. These people should also have your best interests at heart.

Taunting and goading is only effective if you value the opinions of bullies.

Remember that empaths out-number bullies at least 96 percent to 4 percent in the general population, so empaths can overwhelm bullies if they choose to do so.

Where this might not work is in a "bullying family", i.e. families where the bullies outnumber the empaths. Most "bullying families" are headed by a bully, who condones bullying, who often favors and trains a child or children to be co-bullies. These co-bullies then try to get other family members to comply with the vision of the head bully, who then gangs up on a family member, usually one member, an assigned family scapegoat. Alcoholic families and narcissistic families tend to be bullying families.

Many targets go "no contact" with the social network of the bullies altogether and do any of the following: avoid, circumvent, move away, disguise themselves, disguise their location, disguise their ambitions, disguise their emotions, disguise their plans, disguise their status, and lie to the bullies to throw them off base or to get them going after a phantom.

If you are in a family and being bullied and taunted by a member or members, and you are an adult, my advice is to go to a counselor who specializes in abuse and domestic violence. If you are under-age, go to the school psychologist and tell him of the situation or seek help by walking into a domestic violence center. Being with other survivors can help (CoDA or group therapy), and connections you make can help you to stay on track from going back into abusive situations. It might be good to start building a psychological wall between you and the bullies, perhaps go grey rock, or divert their attention to uncharged discussions, until you can go "no contact" or "extremely low contact". I would make every effort to keep your feelings, thoughts and movements in your life (career, friends, interests, whereabouts, etc) to yourself until you can escape the abuse. Bullying is not "natural" and should not be thought of as tolerable.

If you are being bullied by a spouse or live-in partner, I would say the first place to start in ameliorating your situation is to go to counseling. Counselors who specialize in domestic violence and/or abuse are best. A therapist can help you gauge how dangerous your situation is (there are signs to watch out for in the escalation process -- and briefly they include any unwanted touch, close range raging, intimidating body language such as making a fist when the abuser is talking, a scolding type of finger in close range, or threats to isolate you from your family or your social circle) -- more on the signs of when emotional abuse is transitioning and escalating to physical abuse, in another post.

If you are in school and being bullied and taunted, I would suggest going to the school psychologist and telling them of the incidences. If you are in college, colleges often have counselors on hand. Perhaps ask parents to intervene and find a therapist who specifically specializes in abuse. Separate yourself as much as you can from bullies. Also remember that self sabotage and "suicidal thoughts" can be a typical reaction to bullying and abuse: it is part of the "flight" reaction, i.e. your body and mind telling you to get out of the toxic, stressful situation (often when victims get free of abuse, and their abusers, their self esteem recovers and suicidal feelings begin to subside).

If you are abused at work by a bully boss or a bully co-worker, I would suggest reading these following books and websites as it can be a complicated matter. It may be better to leave, it may be better to stay, or it may be better to hire an attorney. It all depends on the mind-set and attitudes of superiors in the situation. Some superiors are educated and evolved when it comes to bullying in the workplace, and some are not.

The Bully at Work: What You Can Do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job -- by Gary Namie, PhD and Ruth Namie, PhD

The Bully-Free Workplace: Stop Jerks, Weasels, and Snakes From Killing Your Organization -- by the same authors as above

Surviving Bullies, Queen Bees & Psychopaths in the Workplace -- by Patricia G. Barnes, J.D. (told from an attorney's point of view)

Adult Bullying--A Nasty Piece of Work: Translating Decades of Research on Non-Sexual Harassment, Psychological Terror, Mobbing, and Emotional Abuse on the Job -- by Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik PhD

The Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies & Bullying at Work: A Complete Guide for Managers, Supervisors, and Co-Workers -- by  Margaret R Kohut

Overcoming Mobbing: A Recovery Guide for Workplace Aggression and Bullying -- by Maureen Duffy and Len Spery

Bullyonline -- one of the first resources on the web about workplace bullying

What NOT TO DO When Being Bullied at Work -- an article by Sharilee Swaity for HubPages

Also see info-graphic at the end of this post.

If the abuser in your life expresses a desire to make up with you, realize that making up with you, saying I'm sorry or saying they realize you were important to them after all, is not real change. Warning: their overtures can be what is termed as hoovering, and often are. Real change comes from a commitment to on-going rehabilitation (i.e. giving up on bullying to solve interpersonal relationship problems altogether). This has to be done over many years with a counselor who specializes in abuse. The reason is: abuse is a habit, a very, very ingrained habit, and habits are hard to break. Putting into practice those things the therapist recommends, respecting every single one of your boundaries and respecting the boundaries of people in your life is the only "sign" you should consider as change when they are acting like they "can't live without you." Also learn about triangulation (as abusers are known to slip back into "abuse mode" by triangulating).

Begin to keep a record of abusive incidents by writing those incidents down, or recording those incidents. Keep another copy in a bank deposit box. If there are threats, contact the police, and ask them either to intervene or to keep a record.

Once victims get over the bullies in their lives, there is often a growth spurt, and better awareness of what is important in relationships.

The point is that we are all social animals and some of us are more evolved socially than others. We all need a voice, to feel that we belong, and live a life free of oppression, threat and abuse from others. Bullies, by nature, are not socially evolved people. They also are the most resistant to change. So it is important to find other socially evolved people who are on the same wave-length that you are on.

In this article Dr. Karen Siris, school principal and adjunct professor at Adelphi University weighs in on what bullying is:

We say behavior is bullying if it is repeated, continues over time, and is used to harass the same target. Teasing, name-calling, and exclusion are all bullying behaviors ...

She also has some advice on how to handle bullying:

Everyone must be aware that "kindness is cool; cruelty is not." This has to be taught in kindergarten and continue with a common vocabulary through high school.

In this Psych Central article, Erika Krull, MS, LMHP states that it is in homes that bullying starts first and is allowed to grow and fester, spilling over into the school environment. She also hypothesizes that blended families (step-families) may have more issues with bullying behaviors than biological families:  

Most of the news we hear about bullying is in the school setting. This absolutely needs to be addressed, no doubt. However, I wonder if many people generally accept some level of bullying as a part of regular family life. What some people get away with in their own homes may not be tolerated if their child was reporting the problem as coming from school.

I know that family bullying is more difficult to deal with because the situations often occur in private homes. Physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse – it’s all bullying ...

Bullying attitudes and actions often originate, or are allowed to develop, in the family. In many cases, a step-family has more opportunities for tension and competition between siblings for attention and acceptance. This certainly isn’t the case in all step-families, but the risk does exist because some sort of loss, pain, or displacement frequently comes with the deal. A family member who doesn’t handle this well may turn to bullying to feel some sense of control or power.

Just focusing on school bullying gets you about two or three steps past a more impactful starting point. However, this point is also far less accessible ...

... Every family needs to be watchful of potential bullying under their roof – 100% biological, adoptive, foster, half-siblings, whatever ...

Bullying is often perpetrated on children who are different, whether physically, emotionally, intellectually or verbally challenged. In addition, insecure children who are brought up in abusive homes who exhibit PTSD, can also be targets of bullies (because PTSD creates the urge to isolate, to protect oneself by "keeping low", and also produces depression and amygdala hijacking, making learning, concentrating and memorization extremely difficult resulting in an intellectually challenged child).

So how do you help your challenged or disabled child handle bullying and bullies?

In this Psych Central article about the intellectually challenged child, Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. has some words to say about what to expect when your child goes off to school as well as some tips on how to inoculate your child against bullying and low self esteem:

Such verbal abuse is what kids with disabilities live with day after day. “Re-tard.” “What are you – retarded?” “That’s a retarded thing to say – do – be.” The R-word has become part of the teen vocabulary. It’s in rap songs. It’s on TV. Search YouTube for “retardation” and most of what you’ll find is people doing idiotic things that result in injury. It’s so prevalent in the culture that kids use it nonchalantly to mean anything they find beneath them. Even adults fail to hear it for what it is – the ultimate putdown, the statement that people with cognitive challenges are somehow less, somehow deserving of disrespect.

In professional circles, the official label has changed in the last few years from “mentally retarded” to “intellectually disabled” (ID). It’s an improvement. It speaks more clearly to what the challenge truly is. But it’s only the latest in centuries of attempts to come up with a neutral term. “Cretin.” “Feeble-minded.” “Idiot.” “Moron.” “Imbecile.” Each began as simply a descriptor and became an insult. Each in turn was used first by adults, then by their children, as a way to say “I’m better than you are.”

Kids with intellectual disability are particularly vulnerable to being victimized. They tend to be gullible and don’t understand when they are being manipulated ... 

... Don’t fool yourself. If your child is different, he is going to be the butt of taunts, jokes, looks and eye-rolls.

Part of solving the bullying problem is to educate as many people as possible about what bullying looks like, what it sounds like, why it doesn't work in any relationship over the long run, what it does to victims, what it does to perpetrators, and what it does to by-standers. Bullying reduces the quality of life for both perpetrators and victims, and also shortens lives. There is no good that comes of it. Teaching kids how to co-operate instead of bully should start early, before it starts to be ingrained in a child's personality.

Don't play favorites with your children (if you are a parent) or your pupils (if you are a teacher). Favoritized children run more of a risk of becoming a bully (or even a criminal) than children who are treated with fair and equal treatment (for more on this subject see my post on favoritism in the family).

Bullying is debased. We can do better as a species.

From Innovative Teaching Ideasthe info-graphic I talked about in this post:

from e learning infographics:

Source unknown (found on Pinterest under Etsy)
quote by H. Milne P:

favoritism: fostering abuse for everyone in the family, and why a narcissistic parent favors and loves the golden child most, and what it does to the whole family

name of cartoon: "Favoritism"

image is © Lise Winne

cartoon, 2016
inspired by a conversation with Robert Davis, LCSW

(for questions regarding use of images or contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

As a Mandated Reporter for the State of New York, I am required by law to report signs of child abuse and when a child tells me that a sibling is being favored in his home, I take it seriously.

While some children merely perceive there is favoritism of a sibling, there are signs to look for in case it is abuse. Some of the things I hear from children that are red flags that need to be reported are:

"When my brother and I fight, I'm always the one to be punished."
"My mom always does fun things with my sister, but she thinks I'm bad, so I have to stay in my room most of the time."
"When my sister and I fight, my mother always listens to her and takes her side. She never listens to me."
"I keep getting hit by my brother, but my mother never does anything about it. She tells me to fight my own battles even though I'm smaller than him."
"I can't tell you what is going on because my brother is mean. Please don't tell my mother either. But I got really hurt last night and I couldn't do my homework."
"I wish my mother loved me, but she doesn't. She only seems to love my sister. It's like I don't exist."
"I wish I weren't so sad. My mom told me that if I wasn't sad all of the time, she would spend as much time with me as my brother."
"Every time I fight with my sister, my parents say I'm ungrateful."
"My brother can do anything he wants to me, but I always have to be polite to him. Mom says he's not in charge, but he is."
"I just can't talk to my parents about what my sister does to me. I just have to hide."

There are many more, but you get the idea! All of these are warning signs of an abusive narcissistic parent at the helm.

The worst part of favoring a child is that it seems to overwhelmingly foster narcissism in a child (typically referred to as a "golden child" in dysfunctional families). Narcissists tend to be abusive. In fact, the abuse tends to develop first in the home (as sibling abuse).

According to Brad Bushman of Ohio State University (link here from an article entitled How Parents Create Narcissistic Children), narcissism can start its development as early as eight years old. Here is an excerpt:

The results are quite clear: Parents who "overvalue" children during this developmental stage, telling them they are superior to others and entitled to special treatment, are more likely to produce narcissistic children -- who can grow up to become narcissistic adults, unless something is done about it.

"When children are seen by their parents as being more special and more entitled than other children, they may internalize the view that they are superior individuals, a view that is at the core of narcissism," the researchers wrote in a study released online Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. "But when children are treated by their parents with affection and appreciation, they may internalize the view that they are valuable individuals, a view that is at the core of self-esteem." ...

... (Authors Brad Bushman and Eddie Brummelman) also wanted to determine what differentiated narcissists -- who tend to be more aggressive and even violent than other people, and are at higher risk for depression, anxiety and drug addiction ...

Favoritism effects everyone in a narcissistic family negatively. It is a nasty family scourge that appears to have winners and losers, but the trends bear out that everyone loses as you will see!

The narcissistic personality disordered parent really does not love the favored golden child more. He (or she) uses the golden child just as he uses all of his children: for an agenda.

It has been said that narcissists feel jealousy more intensely than those of us who make up the rest of the 99 percent of the population.

They also feel that jealousy is being leveraged upon them as a provoking measure than is actually the case. Since jealousy is such a painful emotion for them, and since they feel that most people use it against them, the urge to use it against others becomes great, a pastime that can become full time, especially for a narcissist who has a life of leisure.

This is why they try to use jealousy as a retaliatory measure against relatively innocent people who mean them no harm. The narcissist sees goading in everyone and everything!

In the family it is no different. They act out their jealousy fantasies by having a favored golden child who they can parade around with in front of the other children with the intent of provoking those other children so that the other children will feel jealousy. The other children, meanwhile, are usually facing some degree of punishment from light to severe. Narcissists are in punishing mode most of their lives; they are always trying to hurt someone (if they can)! They cannot take a hint of criticism, even how a child looks at them (which they can interpret as a heartbreaking criticism). This is why narcissistic parents are notorious for using erroneous blaming and punishments.

Besides jealousy, there seems to be another part to the puzzle at work.

Narcissists believe they are special and deserve special treatment. It is what is written into most basic descriptions of narcissists in many articles and blogs. Special treatment refers to the following (not a complete list):

* believes he should be held to different legal and moral standards than others
* believes he has a right to criticize and insult others, but that they have no right to criticize and insult him
* believes that he should not be accountable for what happens in his relationships, but that others have to take the entire responsibility for how the narcissist feels and what happens in the relationship between you
* believes that he is better than others, and that others are inferior
* believes he should be able to rage at others, but that others should always be thoughtful and polite
* believes he should always be apologized to, but will never apologize to others
* feels that others should forgive him for his "human flaws", but feels he is entitled to carry around a grudge forever over "imperfections" in others and use it to punish others when things aren't going his way

The list goes on, but you get the idea.

So, when a narcissist has children, he projects this kind of thinking onto one child. The narcissist decides which child has to be better than the other children based on how that child is acting. Which child is mirroring the parent? Which of the children seems most self centered? Who seems clever and conniving? Who seems less emotional? Who seems most like the narcissist parent? Who boasts the most? The favored child also tends to be male (for both female and male narcissist parents). And that is how the golden child is chosen.

In order to make the golden child a mirror to the parent, the golden gets rewarded in ways that the other children don't. This reinforces that the golden is also better than the others and deserves special treatment. If the child has a fight with a sibling, he has rights and privileges that his sibling does not have. This is enforced by the parent who continually protects and defends the golden child and punishes any sibling who challenges the golden.

According to psychologist Ramani Durvasula, most consistently favored golden children end up being another abusive narcissist. It is not always the case, but it is mostly the case.

The children on the receiving end of being disfavored are usually crippled with low self esteem. Narcissistic parents are notorious for gaslighting disfavored children. This enables the parent to weed out the competition for the scapegoat role. The role is given to the child who is acting more sensitively to the narcissist's manipulations. The narc parent can label this child as "the crazy one", "the failure", "the bad child," "the difficult child." The injustices and erroneous punishments further the agenda of labeling the child as "over-emotional", as a child not capable of "controlling his or her temper" (thus "creating drama", a favorite phrase among narcissists), even when the child is provoked. All of the emotional outbursts of the child are used by the narc parent to point at the child and say, "look how emotional that child is; he's insane!" and other derogatory terms. Aside from provoking and laying blame, scapegoats are otherwise ignored. If they act up or protest, they are isolated from the family and punished for being emotional. The only time they are not ignored is when they have a notable achievement (this becomes a big concern for the narc parent, which I discuss later).  

Still, the golden child is actually not loved any more than the rest of the children, because narcissists cannot love. The golden is used for an agenda: he's as manipulated as the rest of the children. The narcissistic parent lavishes gifts, they take the golden out to dinner and on trips; he is treated like royalty at every turn while the scapegoat is expected to be a Cinderella for the family. Cinderella may take on most of the household chores while the golden focuses on a job or his education, or she may be expected to do babysitting of the golden's children at every request, so that he is free to do important work. The narcissist wants the scapegoats to feel subservient at all times, indebted, like it is their duty to serve, and to prove they are martyred saints. In effect they are disabled by the narcissist emotionally and financially compared to the golden. They are treated as "left behinds", out of favor, unattractive drudges, while the narcissistic parent gallivants around with the spoiled golden. The point is to send a subtle message to all of the other remaining children: "If you don't do as I say, you will end up like the scapegoat" and "If you do as I say, you may end up like the golden."

The narcissist hopes that his other children will pine: "Why am I not treated this way? Why am I always second fiddle?"

The real reason for the narcissists actions is to get children competing: "If only you did this like so and so, then we might --" "If only you entertained us like --" "If only you did what we wanted we would --" "If only you were as grateful as --" "If only you worked as hard for our love as --- we would --" "If you were just a little more like --" "I'm sorry. I just like your brother more than I love you. If you weren't so ---, then I might treat you better." "You need to learn your place --" "Girls aren't treated as well as boys! Get used to that fact! If you act like a girl and are pleasing then we might --" "If you are going to act like that, the consequence is that you won't get the privileges that --- has" "If you agree to doing (what is immoral or dangerous) then we might bestow upon you the same gifts that --- gets" "Pay attention! If you learn the lessons you are supposed to learn, then you might enjoy what he has ---" "You are lucky to get what you have. We don't reward bad children who criticize us --" "If you're going to be bad, you deserve what we give you, and don't complain -- "

Anything and everything is used for the agenda of making a child feel that if he competes with his elevated-to-god-like-status sibling, then he'll receive better treatment (and yet this rarely is the case -- see my post on triangulation in abusive families).

The narcissist enjoys rubbing the other children's noses in how much more he adores his golden.

It is the first clue of narcissistic parenting: a child complaining of a parent's favoritism. And in fact, narcissistic parents enjoy the suffering look on their children's faces at being left out, tortured and manipulated in this way. In fact, the more a child feels worthless and inconsequential, the more this kind of parent gets off on it. It is a sign to the narc that the manipulations are working!

Normal parents do not want to see their child suffer. They try to make everything as even as possible between their children. Normal children also prefer parents who treat siblings with an even hand. They want a fair referee. They want to be loved equally. A normal child's brain is not built for constant narcissistic abuse; that is why most children of abusive homes have C-PTSD.

Comforting a suffering child is a normal parental reaction. Comfort calms the child, and trust is established in the parent.

Narcissists, however, keep putting their children through misery and punishments indefinitely. The parent hopes that his already-suffering children will ask for mercy, promising that relief is achieved only through total and absolute compliance with the narcissist's triangulation games, that the child must give up his will to please the parent. At the very least, the parent hopes that the child's self esteem is so shot, that he will take the parent back and excuse all of the abuse, in case things don't work out with the golden.

The favoritism is used for one purpose: total control of all of the children. Since the scapegoat is the child deemed by the narcissist as the least likely to be controllable (they show lack of control by showing their pain, after all), the scapegoat is used for constant blame and retaliations. These punishments generally become more severe, more frequent and more long lasting as the child grows.

The point is to make the children always feel a bit love-starved, so that they will work for approval and a chance at the privileged spot.

As studies have shown, however, the pain of being forsaken in the nasty game of favoritism tends to bring out more resentment and distance than competition, especially in children over 10 and adult children. So what the narc parent often ends up with are resentful, distant, estranged children who do not trust them and do not want any part of the narcissistic triangulation game. Narcissism tends to breed contempt and disgust in victims, not adulation and compliance (though narcs have been known to be blind to this fact, so beware!).

Expecting children to compete very rarely works out for the narcissist. Children eventually catch on that they are all being played for fools, or they become aware of what constitutes abuse. Note: many children are being taught what constitutes abuse in school anti-bullying seminars, and favoritism is on the same list as the silent treatment, isolation for long periods, slander, mocking, denigrating, shaming and other forms of emotional abuse. Favoritism is emotional abuse because most of the time it is used to purposely hurt and control (the definition of abuse). In school bullying, favoritism is used to gain followers and co-bullies, to wear down a victim's defenses before escalating to other forms of abuse. Other forms of abuse can be mobbing, unwanted touch, threats, physical abuse, destruction of property, violence. It is not so different in the toxic family.

So how does the golden child keep his position? By being agreeable to the parent, by being able to hold his feelings in, by being able to command attention through his speech (the parent grooms the child to sound unemotional and authoritative), by being a sycophant to the narcissistic parent. He is also often groomed to be an authority figure in the family, to discipline the other children (which most often equates to bullying the other children). Being successful financially so that the parent can "keep up appearances" is sometimes one of the prerequisites too. All of these personality traits seem to win the heart of the narc parent (or lose, depending on whether you feel it is at all desirable to be used as a tool by drama-provoking abusers).

The golden's position isn't necessarily permanent. No child can be a perfect mirror, and even the parent can feel disappointed by this fact. Also, if the parent isn't always first place in the golden's life, or if the golden puts up any resistance to the narc's agenda, they can be discarded and punished like all previous victims of the family. Punishments of goldens can be more severe than punishments for their siblings because so much more is given to the golden, therefore expected from the golden. They are the narc's right hand man, after all. The narc also expects complete enmeshment with his golden child, which means, at the very least, disclosure of all experiences, dreams, ambitions and feelings, if not total co-dependency. The narcissist parent often feigns concern and caring for the golden in exchange for these disclosures. The parent uses the disclosures to advise the golden. The golden must follow the instructions/advice (or else!).

Autonomy, over time, is less and less allowed or tolerated by the narc. When the golden needs to make an autonomous decision, the narc can feel absolutely shattered and betrayed. The narc, in reaction to his golden's seemingly wayward decision, will tend to retreat, become more silent, sulking, threatening and distant, until a full-out silent treatment is used on the offending golden. The child, not wanting to lose position and the constant stream of gifts and favoritism that his parent bestows upon him, will work extra hard to retain the parent's approval by allowing his parent to take away more and more of his autonomy. But often a golden child will accept this, if only for the rewards, which can be great, but also come with a huge price. He will also have to endure the narc triangulating all of his relationships (i.e. allowing his narc parent to divide and conquer his children, spouse, siblings, inlaws, co-workers, anyone, in order to gain total control of him and them). This can sometimes mean the golden must sacrifice his spouse for the parent. He must, at the very least, look less favorably on his spouse than on the parent, and do what is expected of him (or else!).

Spouses of goldens are often criticized, insulted, lectured at, and made to feel uncomfortable in the narc family system. The spouse's opinions are not particularly appreciated, their own ways of doing things not respected; in fact, the spouses of goldens can end up with the same sort of derision as a scapegoat. For the spouse of a golden, it can turn from happy times into in-laws from hell. The golden may try to keep the peace by trying to make light of his parent's bad behavior, that it is all a joke, meant only in fun, something to be tolerated and accepted with hugs all around, that it is just chiding and part of the family fun games, but many spouses of goldens feel there is always a nefarious motive underneath the surface (remember that chiding and jokes usually lead to abuse later on).

For elder narcissists, the inlaws of a golden are most often viewed as a complete nuisance, an inconvenience and waste of time, and the opinions and needs of these people consume too much energy from the golden. If the inlaws are high status people with a lot to offer who can be used in some manner, then the narc will tolerate them. But for the most part they are in the way: a narc parent wants and demands full attention from her golden.

The parent always wants to recreate the kind of idolatry they experienced when their child was still a child, looking for its parent's approval and love at all times. It was also a time when the parent could influence who the golden played with. The fact that the golden is so intimate with his spouse is not something a narc parent finds agreeable or tolerates all that well.

Usually there comes a time when the golden will be expected to sacrifice his spouse or partner. The elder narcissist can sometimes do this surreptitiously: he will lie about the spouse, make up stories, try to sway opinions, roll eyes, disapprove, make off-hand comments, argue about politics, anything, and hopefully get the golden to confide in marriage troubles whereby the narc parent can manipulate the situation further.

Goldens typically sacrifice relationships with their siblings as well, with the narc parent's full consent. Goldens do this for several reasons: to keep their so-called coveted position and status, to be able to manipulate and bully the siblings with the parent's help and approval, to keep getting special gifts and consideration, to keep the parent satisfied so that he can keep getting praise and flattery for being the parent's pride and joy. Although the golden can play nice with his siblings, the parent makes a point to his other siblings that he is to be seen as an authority. And indeed eventually the golden believes he has more innate power than his other siblings. He gets away with behaviors the other children would never get away with, even a little. He can say hurtful insulting things to his siblings without punishment, but they never can utter one word of opinion or criticism about him without being punished.

The siblings find they can never fight back. But the golden pays a price in that he doesn't have a relationship with his siblings. Most siblings will not support another sibling who has a higher status than they do, and who takes from them without giving back. So, he must put aside all sibling concerns, feelings and perspectives to win a game that his parent set up for him to play. In effect, the game is ultimately about kissing butt to the narc. Fighting with his siblings for top spot is always encouraged. Since the parent supports the golden in any and all sibling confrontations, no matter who is right or wrong, often the message from the golden to his siblings is that the relationship has no significance.

Everyone is on the sidelines of the great relationship between the narc parent and golden child.

As time goes by, the golden may be free to insult, lie, cheat, rage, denigrate, bully, sexually molest and beat up his siblings. In fact, according to studies done by Dr. John V. Caffaro, sibling abuse is rampant in households that practice favoritism. The more narcissism a parent exhibits, the more the sibling bullying is ignored. In the notorious Kornegay family of Gainesville, Florida, the 16 year old bully golden had free rein to do to his 15 year old sister anything he wanted, including beating her, sexually abusing her, keeping her locked in a bedroom for long intervals (up to seven months), deny her access to a bathroom, with only a blanket and a bucket, all with parental blessing! The parents "discipline" of keeping their daughter in a room locked up with very few privileges where even taking a shower could be denied, was meant to keep their daughter from protesting, criticizing and complaining about how she was treated!

In the book by David Pelzer, entitled A Child Called It, an alcoholic mother plays favorites and scapegoats and isolates David to a basement. This is the Amazon Review:

... a devoted den mother to the Cub Scouts in her care, and somewhat nurturant to her children--but not to David, whom she referred to as "an It." This book is a brief, horrifying account of the bizarre tortures she inflicted on him, told from the point of view of the author as a young boy being starved, stabbed, smashed face-first into mirrors, forced to eat the contents of his sibling's diapers and a spoonful of ammonia, and burned over a gas stove by a maniacal, alcoholic mom. Sometimes she claimed he had violated some rule--no walking on the grass at school!--but mostly it was pure sadism.

Narcissists fantasize that if they lock up their enraged hurt children, it will make their children agreeable and automatically compliant. Obviously in the case of the Kornegay family, the fifteen year old girl dealt with her situation by trying to escape it, killing her golden child brother in the process. The parents were later found guilty of neglect and had to serve time in house arrest as well as sign away any rights to their children; their scapegoated child was absolved of the crime of murder, but convicted of burglary in a plea bargain and put in a foster home.

The reason why a bully-sibling (like the one from the Kornegay family) gets free rein to do anything he pleases to his siblings is because the parent cannot be taken to task for how this bully child treats everyone -- because narcs take it as criticism of their parenting and of their rules and preferences, and in the narc world, no criticism is allowed, only praise. When you are not praising your parent's behavior, even if it is wrong, immoral, illegal and hurtful, you are discarded, isolated and abused. Their rules are simple, but horrific.

Even simple crying, without words to go with it, is taken as an insult, which deserves even more punishment in the narc world. Narcs are notorious for saying to their hurt distressed children, "You want something to cry about!? I'll give you something to cry about!"

The unfavored siblings learn to stuff feelings, not to talk (as talking brings out more abuse from their sibling or the narc parent), and not to trust. "Don't trust, don't feel, don't talk" is the mantra of alcoholic families, but it is also the mantra of narcissistic families. Abuse becomes the dark family secret, never aired until a family member can no longer live with the situation and points the finger at the culprits.

From gleaning forums for adult children of narcissists, it is clear that many narc parents rage at and reject children who even so much as breathe a word about being bullied by their sibling, or their sibling being favored. The reactions from narc parents are extreme, and run the gamut of abuses (again, narcs believe that piling on more abuse will get the other children to shut up about being treated cruelly -- this is a fantasy peculiar to narcs; normal parents never think a tactic like this would work, plus they would never want to hurt their children). Abuses I have seen include outright rejection, erroneous arrests, stalking, physical abuse and all manner of threats. It is clear that favoritism and golden child bullying is a dangerous subject to bring up with a narcissistic parent, and should only be aired when you are in a safe place, with protective people around you. I would advise never bringing up the subject in the narc's home, for instance. Even if you feel you are on good-enough standing with your narc parent, this can be the subject that causes the narc to go wild with retaliation.

If you know of a child who complains about being locked up continually in a room and kept from the family, and of his sibling being favored, please call Child Protective Services! You could save a child from the fate of cruel escalating narcissistic abuse.

I want to make it clear that not all goldens become bullies, but the impetus to compete with siblings, and the signal from the parent to everyone in the family that this is a child who has authority, who can do no wrong ("special"), means that a door is wide open for the golden to take full advantage of the power that comes with that status.

Narcs continue to fantasize that favoritism and pitting children against each other will create a situation where they will be able to control everyone in the home, and even when it is clear this is not happening, they do not want to believe it isn't at least possible. So the narc parent will escalate abuse, or adopt new ways to hurt his child, just to bring about the outcome that he wants.

Very small children can be manipulated (for awhile). But the vast majority of children do NOT keep quiet, and they do NOT compete (except the golden). They usually plan on escapes, or they have already escaped. The reason why they usually escape is that very few people can live, or want to live, with being abused. As the abuse escalates, the symptoms of PTSD escalate too, make being in a cruel environment totally unpalatable (see my post on the silent treatment and C-PTSD).

This narc fantasy of abusing children to totally dominate them does not take into consideration normal human reaction. (I will discuss intelligence and empathy in another post; but for purposes here, I will just say that one of the reasons narcissists and sociopaths like Hitler, Napoleon and Saddam Hussein fail to win the war, is because they completely lack an understanding of normal behavior).

The narc parent also fantasizes that the unfavored children and the scapegoat will come to his or her senses and at least try to do as well as the golden. The parent lets them know that service and praising the parent are required in order for unfavor-eds to ameliorate their suffering, the parent's opinion of them and escape the escalating punishments.

If a golden has become a bully golden, the fact that any of the other children might be congratulated for services rendered, particularly a scapegoat, is threatening to the golden's prestige and position.

So, the golden will manipulate situations to make sure the goodies keep going in one direction: the golden's coffers. In order to make sure the other children are always down in stature and continually blamed, he will purposely minimize their completed work, or he will lie and state that he, the golden, did everything, while they did nothing. The golden also purposely starts fights with whomever he can. When the parent comes running to see what the fight is about, the golden points at the scapegoat, and the scapegoat is again punished and isolated. The scapegoat's perspectives on the situation are ignored and are unflattering to the parent besides, so the scapegoat gets nowhere; it is a hopeless situation. This is why it is impossible to escape the scapegoat role once it has been thrust on a child, except to leave the family entirely.  

Once one scapegoat has left the family, the abusive parent invariably chooses another scapegoat to pick on (I discuss why in this post and this post). In the narc world, there always has to be a scapegoat!

When all scapegoats have left, the golden bully is usually the only one left who will deal with his disordered narc parent. He becomes satisfied, even if on guard, that he was able to co-bully with his parent to get his competitions out of the way.

Assuming he is sure he can keep his siblings away, the golden eventually finds he is pitted against the parent narc, an unexpected situation for him. He has been groomed to be above others, but often sees that his status is tenuous, and dependent on keeping the narc parent happy at all times, a situation many goldens find will be impossible. The narcissism can be much more pronounced in the adult child than in the parent, especially if he has rarely been opposed by his parent, and where bullying and lying have been condoned and excused. Knowing that his position may be hanging by the thread of convincing acting, lying and pretend-fawning, the narc golden will wait to make his move when the parent is weakened enough to totally rely on him, and then go in for the kill. That's what narcissists do: they are predators who constantly game opportunities and gauge times and places to be opportunistic. The parent is usually oblivious to the narcissism in the child because an overwhelming number of bullies expect their co-bullies will be kind to them, a folly peculiar to narcs (and a lot of people remark at how smart narcs are! ... Not in this area!). This blind trust is a quality that is particular to scapegoating narcs especially; however there is a brand of narc who doesn't favoritize much at all, but divides and conquers just the same. I discuss that other brand of narc here.

At any rate, the narc parent is often so swept away by the constant flattery of the golden (narcissists are flattery addicts). The narc parent sees that his golden seems always willing to please with constant crocodile hugs, proposing status-lifting experiences, concerns via phone calls and texts, gifts, money, dinners, plus the enmeshment. Indeed, narcissism is easy to hide unless there is a lot of behind-the-scenes examination and interviewing.  

Even then, if the golden uses threats and coercion, people may not speak up for safety reasons or because they have moved on with their own lives and don't want to stir up the rage. Narc bully goldens have been known to be unusually servile if they think there is great reward in it for them. However, they usually rage, scream, terrorize, swear at and abuse most others: children, siblings, workers, co-workers, spouses, lovers. They only present themselves to the parent as completely soft, gentle and capitulating for one purpose: to get all of the goodies and to convince the parent that only they (the golden) deserves them all too. Often a narc parent isn't aware of the golden's motivations until it is too late.

Since many goldens become narcissists, like all narcs they are plagued with jealousies. They have to work really, really hard for the parent, shouldering all responsibility when the narc ages: all care, everything.

The scapegoats often seem fine outside the family; they may even be doing better than the golden because they don't waste their time investing in relationships where they they can be rejected at a moment's notice. They are free of the triangulations, threats, abuse, ultimatums, silent treatments ... they are out in the world free of it all. Because of this, they are also free to do as they please, to do important work.

So, many goldens eventually feel they are too shackled to the overly demanding parent. Many become jealous of the scapegoats. The autonomy the scapegoats exhibit can seem like a superior life than the one the golden is "saddled with." Goldens have been brought up to think they are better than the scapegoats, and the parent has to constantly try to prove to the golden that the scapegoats are indeed, inferior. The parent isn't so successful at convincing if the scapegoats have learned to become totally autonomous of the parent, and their careers are flying high (scapegoats tend to be over-achievers if their self esteem isn't totally shot). But narcissism means being jealous of what you don't have, and the thing the golden doesn't have is his own life, his own decisions, his own direction, his own identity away from the parent.

The lone golden has no scapegoat to blame if his parent doesn't like something. He can't push the responsibility off of himself onto his sibling, or lie about a sibling's actions. His is totally hanging out there in the breeze, responsible for what goes wrong. And in narcissistic households, a lot can go wrong. It doesn't take much for things to shift.

The narcissistic parent is generally not a generous parent, even with a golden (and especially if there is no competition going between siblings). So the golden can find that he is getting into financial hot water or that so much is expected of him that he's losing too much from his life: opportunities, relationships, direction. He might find that he is being expected to sacrifice his own dire health issues to take care of minor aches and pains of his parent. In other families, siblings share the responsibility for the aging parent; in a narcissistic family, the golden gets saddled with ALL of the responsibility, and he can become resentful of this, especially as his parent keeps trying to divide and conquer all of his other relationships. Even with the promise of all of the goodies, these goodies may not be enough to sustain him, or he may find that he really doesn't want to take on the responsibility of his swindling, lying, bullying parent (and yes, even goldens know their narc parent is disordered, and many goldens do not have any more respect for their parent than the daring scapegoats do, even though they may dance like marionettes, for awhile).

One of the reasons narc parents often become stalker parents when one of their scapegoats is doing well, and attaining success, is because the goldens become insecure. Narc parents have spent their lives trying to disable their scapegoats and make sure their goldens are ahead. If the golden gets jealous of a scapegoat, and wants what the scapegoat has, then the narc parent can lose the only child he has left.

This is when a narc parent is most likely to stalk a scapegoat, with apologies, pronouncements that they have changed and seen the light, with promises and enormous pressures to make up (which may include the help of other family members). It can sometimes mean the scapegoats will let their narc parent back into their lives ... but not all of the time, especially if a scapegoat has gotten burned too many times in this way and knows that it is a ruse. Many scapegoats get to the point where they can't believe anything their parent has to say, and will reject the parent no matter what the circumstance.

Anyway, the narc's agenda of getting back into the scapegoat's life again, is not necessarily to love the scapegoat; it is to find a way to disable the scapegoat again, to get the scapegoat in role once more as the punching bag for the family, the derided failure. This is not clear right away to many scapegoats, especially if the parent is crooning how much they love that scapegoat child: "I made such a big mistake!", "I'm so sorry I didn't see value in you!", "I can't believe I could sacrifice such a wonderful child such as you!", "You mean so much more to me than you can ever imagine!", blah, blah, blah. What scapegoat wouldn't want to hear it? At least for the first time after a life of endless punishments?

Unfortunately, it seems that a majority of scapegoats fall for the new pronouncements of love  ... at least once. Scapegoats have also been known to have the perspective that the parent is finally mellowing out, perhaps less likely to rage and abuse. But be aware that the narcissist rarely mellows out, and in fact, gets continually worse and more manipulative.

But it becomes clear of what the narc's intentions are when and if the scapegoat falters or has a tragedy. This is when the narc parent attacks or abandons, trying to bring destruction and devastation into the scapegoat's life again. (for further reading go to my post on the timing of abuse)

The betrayal of the scapegoat is huge, and the golden watches on the sidelines as his parent takes his sibling down. A lot of it is done for the golden, after all, as a way to say "You see? That scapegoat is nothing after all" and also to say, "If you ever dare to cross me, this could happen to you too!"

The narc parent will not always have the ability to disable the successes of a scapegoat, however. Scapegoats have been known to put restraining orders on parents they can no longer trust.

In this case, the narcissistic golden can lose the ambition to be with the parent. Why? Because a prize only seems to be a prize if he is fighting someone else for it. He begins to wonder if he likes his "prize" after all, especially if no one else wants it. He knows his prize parent has little integrity, has a past that is dubious and duplicitous, that the flow of money and gifts can be tenuous and dependent on a golden "acting perfect". There are so many strings attached in being rewarded. At some point the parent may be socially reviled, and being associated with this parent may be too risky for the golden's reputation.

A narc golden can feel very insecure of the successes of siblings who were supposed to be inferior to him. When it becomes clear to the golden that their status can be taken away at any time, especially if their parent is paying attention to the status and success of a scapegoat, they begin to wonder if the parent will break away from them, that they won't get the highest priority and all of the other goodies they have been promised. Most goldens realize how tenuous their position is, that it comes with overwhelming requirements, and can be taken away over trifles (as narcs are known to reject over issues that most people would find inconsequential: a perception by the narc that he is being made fun of, criticized, slighted over a preference for someone else, the golden putting his spouse above his parent in a situation, anything that can make a narc parent insecure about status and rage over it -- even a clever, conniving golden knows he can mess up so that the narc parent cannot be consoled or talked out of punishing). So, goldens often live with a lot of anxiety and paranoia unless they can self-medicate the feelings away.

Cinderella is a story about a narc stepmother who favors her oldest child, and treats her stepdaughter like a servant. Her oldest child is kind of an entitled biatch, so totally devoid of self awareness that she can't quite control her temper in order to appear normal and mannered in society. After Cinderella wins the man and becomes a princess, she throws her stepsister in with the narc stepmother, banished to a life of doing laundry.

Although narc goldens aren't always as unaware as the evil stepsister in the Cinderella story, many do understand if they become too associated with their disreputable narc parent, they may, like the evil stepsister, befall the same fate by association with their derided parent.

In fact narc goldens are always aware of the pitfalls, dangers, potential rewards and potential abuses that come with having an enmeshed relationship with a co-narcissist, and will abandon a narc parent should their own reputations suffer. They have been known to throw their parent under the bus if it doesn't suit them. They are also always assessing the situation for their own benefit. They may retreat a little if they want to make their parent insecure, especially if it is certain that the scapegoats are totally out of the picture. If the narc parent is appearing to wail and cry over what a scapegoat did, then the golden will get temporary relief and satisfaction that he is being preferred, and the go-to person for condolence.

Goldens who are saddled with all of the responsibilities of the narc parent can think the pasture is greener where the scapegoats are and abandon their narc parent, especially if it seems the goodies are not a guarantee ... which he knows they aren't (all bullies are known for not keeping promises or telling the truth).

Most bully goldens, however, stay with their narc parent. Goldens who have any empathy at all, however, can be overwhelmingly disgusted by how the parent conducts himself. If the golden is hopelessly narcissistic, the lies and betrayals won't bother the golden all that much because he is that way too, and plans his revenges and opportunistic strategies accordingly.

The overwhelming trend for narc parents is that if they find they no longer have access to one of their scapegoat children, the parent usually alternately scapegoats and coronates his golden. The golden can find that his life is constantly being controlled and micro-managed. He is expected to reveal all details of his life. He is chided (for reaction, information-gathering and narcissistic supply); his words, beliefs and ambitions may be mocked. He may be humiliated or other buttons pressed. He is constantly being demanded of. His career and work is often sabotaged or micro-managed in a way that is highly annoying and detrimental (a narc parent may no longer want a golden to be successful, especially if the scapegoats have made it clear they are no longer available to the narc parent). His spouse especially is known to get scapegoated in order to drive them away (unless the spouse has some status the narc can use). He is constantly being put in his place by the parent narc.

The problem for the golden is that he was always looked upon as someone who could do no wrong. Now he is expected to fulfill the role of scapegoat too!? To take up all of the burdens of the parent? "No way!" he thinks.

In real-life Cinderella stories, when Cinderella leaves, someone from the remaining children are expected to take on the job that Cinderella originally fulfilled. And in fact, Cinderella was supported minimally, because she could fulfill the role of being subservient to the others. The two golden children were happy so long as they could keep Cinderella in her role. So goldens have a lot to lose when the Cinderellas leave, even though they want it all, even the little bit that Cinderella receives. Remember, they tried to keep Cinderella from going to a ball to meet a prince who could raise Cinderella's status higher than all of them.

Since narc goldens have been raised to feel entitled, they will not stand for being scapegoated easily. If the parent scapegoats or complains about the golden, a weakening parent will find out that no unflattering comment toward the golden is allowed! The parent finds that he will have to dance to the golden's tune, and who better to enforce it than the golden's support network.

The golden will feign tolerance for his parent's flip-flopping ... but only for awhile! He waits until he knows he is secure and that the parent has no other support system. But he will carry around a lot of hidden rage to be used later on (just as his parent did).

So what happens later on is that there is a power struggle. Both narcs are used to getting their own way, all of the time, no matter what, using threats, bullying, charm, subterfuge, divide and conquer strategies and malevolent advice. It becomes a "battle royal" between the two narcs. The stronger narc will win, but protests and threats will usually be unleashed between both of them. The golden, knowing he has no siblings who will come to the parent's rescue or defense, can feel entitled to do anything he wants to do to the parent. If the parent protests, he may neglect and isolate the parent, just as he saw the discipline in his childhood home.

Do you think this can't happen? Remember the golden child from the Kornegay family that I wrote about above: he was beating, sexually abusing and locking up his 15 year old sister -- he was only 16 years old! If a 16 year old boy can learn to abuse like that, imagine what a 50 year old who has been bullying his whole life is capable of!

Many bully goldens make it their life-long ambition to be in charge at all times and in all situations. They may manipulate the parent in such a way as to appear fawning (learning this tactic from the parent), but in the end, when they feel secure, go in for the kill.

With the tables turned, the parent must praise and sublimate power to his golden child or the golden will rage and threaten. The golden bully will use everything he has learned and everything he has become to control the parent at all times. He will delegate to his spouse and/or children the unwanted jobs. If anyone protests about how the parent is treated, they too are threatened and shown the door.

Goldens were taught to mimic narcissistic bullying behavior at an early age, and they saw that they were rewarded for it. Mimic-ing was once the highest form of flattery for the narc parent, now it becomes the nightmare!

The scapegoats are still used as examples between the narc parent and the narc golden, even when the scapegoats have left.

The parent will threaten the golden: "If you don't do as I want, you will end up like the scapegoats!"

And the golden will threaten the narc parent: "If you don't do what I want, I will abandon you like the scapegoats did!"

Each of them expects the other to bend under the will of the other. Since neither of them ever learned team-playing, compromising, discussing, being fair, or self reflecting, threats are volleyed back and forth with impunity. Narcissism means putting oneself before others. Isolating, degrading, vilifying and rejecting others who are no longer serving the narcissist's needs and agendas is what narcissism is all about!

In bad western movies where a bunch of thieves work together to get the gold and divvy it up, and then spend the rest of the movie stealing from each other, and abandoning each other to get the entire bundle, it is the weakened or stupid thieves who are stolen from first. Their bullet-wounded compatriots are left to die. All of the bullies in the family who rely on each other, end up sort of like this: trying to take advantage of each other in the end.

In another post I will talk more about the aging narcissist, but suffice it to say that if you are hanging on to an abusive relationship with a narcissist because you want to be considered in their Last Will and Testament, forget about it because narcissists often change their will every month, or every six months, depending on who is pissing them off at the moment (and sometimes you don't even know who is pissing them off, or making them jealous, or if they are hiding their narcissistic rage over something someone said inadvertently). Most narc parents really don't want to leave their money to anyone: they want to take it to the grave if only they could. They rarely, if ever, have a "share and share alike" kind of will. While many narcs leave the bulk of their estates to a golden child, the narc parent can turn on them at the last minute too. You never know where you stand, and narcs lie about their wills anyway, so it isn't worth giving a single thought to their will.

I personally knew a woman who gave up everything to care for her elderly mother full time. There were no complaints from her mother for five years. Then she, the daughter, got Stage 4 cancer and had to leave her mother temporarily in an assisted living home while she pursued cancer treatments out of state. Her selfish mother changed the will, barred her daughter from the house they shared together ... The daughter had to go to a homeless shelter. This should be a warning to anyone that a narcissistic elder cannot be counted on for ANYTHING: not extenuating circumstances, a major health crisis, fairness, compassion, understanding, logic, promises or reason.
 
Anyway, many bully goldens will hang in until the parent signs and dots the Power of Attorney (because most goldens know how tenuous wills, and power of attorney can be). So once papers are signed and the golden has complete control without any interference, the narc parent is often abandoned anyway. Why? Because narcissists, even favored spoiled golden ones, feel they are entitled to a special privileged life without unflattering remarks from an elder, inconvenient truths, stress and worry. Self indulgence is their highest priority.

However, even if the golden never takes his rage out on an elderly dying parent, waiting patiently for his reward, seemingly almost flawless to his narc parent, the parent can still betray the golden in the end. Why? Because narcs are often completely overwhelmed with jealousy to the point where it is like a pressure cooker in their systems. They might be jealous of the fact that the golden gets to live, whereas they are looking at death in the face. They are jealous of their golden getting all of their money, money which they still want, money that they still want to control, money that they don't want spent for the golden's leisure activities, agendas and interests. So, they are sometimes known to leave their entire estates to charity. The golden can feel very betrayed and bitter, especially if he has spent years holding his tongue, taking care of his parent, doing everything the parent asked. Again, I have direct witness to a case like this.

As for the golden narcs who turn the tables on the elder narcs: as I stated before, the parent, beforehand, will usually try to pit the golden against the golden's spouse (just as the narc parent's offspring were pitted against each other). But unbeknownst to the narc parent, it is a two-against-one affair. This is the point where the golden gets the upper hand over his parent. The spouse enjoys higher status over his parent, and often is put in charge of his parent as well! Why? Because the spousal relationship is always stronger than the parent-child relationship. It isn't like the sibling relationship, where parental approval is needed for survival. Many narc parents fail to see that because they are so enthralled with the idea and possibility of ever more people fighting over them that they fantasize that they can triangulate with the golden's spouse too.

Most bully goldens have spouses who fully support them. Remember: narcs require either sycophants or co-bullies! The perfect spouse has both qualities!

A bully golden has been taught how to abandon when it suits him, and if the couple's lives become at all stressful by hearing anything remotely unflattering, they abandon just as their narc parent did. Narcs aren't naturally imbued with care, concern and compassionate responses (except what they can fake); they are used to taking from others, exploiting the services of others, leaving others high and dry in deplorable emotional states often over inconsequentials (not enough flattery, not enough praising, not enough pining, "that look on your face", anything insubordinate) and stealing if they can get away with it. They get off on the suffering of others to win what they want, they get off on delegating the hard work to others in the family (power trip), they get off on the threats and what it does to their victims. Being fair, gracious, good, honest and caring doesn't mean much to them, only insipid pastimes do: leisure, pampering, flattery, status, power trips, gambling of some sort, arrogance, keeping up appearances, and continually comparing themselves to others.

The narc parent has spent their life threatening and punishing others, so the tables are turned by the very child who should have been grateful for having been so adored, favored and spared the punishments. But unfortunately, that is usually not how it works: the bigger lesson the golden took away was not how to be grateful, but how to bully and exploit others to get what you want. Their whole lives are built around it, they have used it most of their lives, and they pass it on to their golden child, and he with his golden child, and so on and so on ... down through the generations ...

Being grateful is actually a compassionate response, not a narcissistic response. You actually have to feel what someone else is going through. When you are narcissistic, you aren't understanding anyone or reflecting on what they do or how they feel. You are only ingratiating yourself to get narcissistic supply. Therefore, a fellow narcissist who has been chosen to be a golden is not going to be focused on parental sacrifice, even if he might briefly say "Thank you" as a societal obligation.

(note: please be aware that "you're ungrateful" is one of the most common phrases among abusers. It doesn't mean you are ungrateful; it probably means they either want you to be distracted from their abuse by putting a guilt trip on you, or they want to use it as an excuse to abuse).

Ending up with a whole family of victims of abuse because of favoritism isn't always what happens, but it seems to be the overwhelming trend. So far, in most cases of narcissistic families, the trend is more powerful than what any member wants or plans. As long as there are disfavored family scapegoats and favored golden children in households with a narcissistic parent, the trend will keep going and going and going, throughout time, and generation after generation, until there is enlightenment and a movement afoot in the family, or in society, to stop it.

It is like a nasty disease which effects every last member of the family, from the scapegoats who have left with emotional scars and PTSD, to the ones who are still left in the game battling it out with each other ... all with the next generation looking in on the sidelines and taking notes ...

An inter-generational real story:

I am a member of a number of forums on narcissistic abuse. One member is a single mother who brought up a daughter and son in her narc mother's home. This is what happened (names changed to protect the innocent):

The narc grandmother (Gertrude) treated her daughter (Connie) deplorably, like a doormat, and with a lot of verbal abuse and commands, as narcs will do. Meanwhile, the children (Karen and Doug) were looking at how grandma Gertrude related to their mom, Connie.

The grand daughter, Karen, started treating mother Connie badly too, around the age of 11 (she is 15 now), leaving notes for her mother like: "Clean up your damn mess, Mom! I am not your maid!" and "If you can't stop being an emotional cry baby, you will no longer have a family" and "There is a reason you are not appreciated. You are a nutcase and you need help. See a psychologist, and then get back to us after you have been adequately treated." And so on.

Obviously this sounds like a teen age daughter who is out of control, who is disrespectful and has learned parentification and bullying from her grandmother. In fact, both grandmother and granddaughter gang up on Connie constantly. To make everything worse, Grandma Gertrude approves of the way granddaughter Karen is acting in all altercations between them, meaning that Karen feels free to escalate the abuse of her mother.

When mother Connie tells grandmother Gertrude not to interfere because they are her children, Gertrude won't respect it and gives her opinion anyway, throwing barbs and insults at Connie in the process.

Obviously, Grandma has made a golden child out of her grand daughter, Karen, all the while condoning the orders, the insults, the notes and the abuse (remember I said that narcs like it when you mirror their personality as the highest form of flattery? -- Well, Gertrude is loving it!).

In fact, Connie was wearing herself out trying to do the best she could for both of them, and the abuse only got worse.

Anyway, after awhile, Connie couldn't take it any more. So, she moved out of her mother Gertrude's house with her son, Doug.

One reason Connie came to the forums is that she fears she is favoring her son, Doug, and treating him like a golden child (he is the only one of her children who shows respect for his mother, Connie, who genuinely seems concerned for Connie and her state of mind -- she was beginning to close down). He was the only one in the household who was consoling towards Connie, who tried to reach compromises and talk things out. But Connie feels that it perpetuates narcissism to be neglecting her daughter Karen, leaving her to the "wolf " (her mother, Gertrude). She fears that she has condoned abuse by bringing her children up in a narcissistic household where insults and demanding, manipulative, disrespectful, abusive behavior is condoned.

For sure this is a toxic dysfunctional family, not much healthier than the family in the movie, August, Osage County, and in fact, it may be a lot worse.

Any time you are around narcs, or have your children and grandchildren exposed to narcs, there is always a danger of someone adopting abusive narcissistic tendencies. Narcs will enlist anyone they can to help them beat up their targets (scapegoats), even if it means enlisting the scapegoat's own children. No one is immune to being favored for the purpose of co-bullying a scapegoat. It is why many scapegoats feel they have no other choice than to leave and give up on close familial ties. In this case, Connie had to give up on her own mother and daughter: how heartbreaking! The family is splintered, like so many narcissistic families.

Meanwhile, her daughter only gets narcissistic lessons now since the "normals" have left. She is learning how to be an imperious bully in the family, just like her grandmother. She is feeling special and entitled because her grandmother adores everything she says and does. She is flattered constantly, that is, until her grandmother decides she is "not good enough" either -- the narcissistic tendency.

Karen will probably blame her mother for playing favorites with Doug at some point too, for neglecting her and leaving her with her mean grandmother. Since favoritism is a form of abuse, she may say, "You are an abusive parent and I want nothing more to do with you. You abandoned me. How was I to know what I was doing at 15? I had no role models other than you and Grandma! You are the mother: you are supposed to teach me and protect me. Instead you brought us up around Grandma who you knew you would never be able to get along with, and left me there to fester and learn more of her bullying crap, while you went off to live with Doug. You don't care about me. All you care about is making life easier for yourself! You are a sorry excuse for a mother!" -- all of this blaming and guilting is part of narcissistic families too. All of it began with favoritism and grew into bullying from there.

Sad.

In another post, I will talk about abuse as an inter-generational and multi-generational problem.

Some cartoons I made on the subject (with more reading and videos by others following):

cartoon image is © Lise Winne

2016

Further reading:

The Scapegoating Narcissist -- recommended excellent post by Gail Meyers
Excerpt:
     The very existence of a scapegoat in the family signals a problem because a scapegoat is only required in a family when someone chronically refuses to take responsibility for their own actions.

Narcissism in children has many causes, but it can be addressed by Gail Gross. She also states that if a parent waits too long to administer therapy to a narcissistic child, the child will eventually refuse therapy (a typical narcissistic trait) and be unwilling to self reflect and understand the perspectives of others.

How parents create narcissistic children by Lenny Bernstein

How not to raise a narcissist by Rebecca Jacobson

Narcissistic kid? Blame the parents, study says by Deborah Netburn.
Excerpt from the article: 

     ... here's one more thing to consider: A person doesn't have to stay a narcissist forever.

   "Although narcissism is often seen as a deeply ingrained personality trait, it can certainly change," Brummelman said. "When you are narcissistic at one time in life, you're not destined to be narcissistic decades later."

Narcissistic parents identify their children as either a favourite or a scapegoat, and they pit them against each other by Lindsay Dodgson

excerpt and quote from therapist, Shannon Thomas in the article:

"It's very hard to foster any authentic sibling connection in that environment because they're being used as pawns by the parents," Thomas said. "When the scapegoated child tries to talk about what their life is like with the narcissistic parent, the favourite child won't see it at all."
... This creates tension and "camps" within families, Thomas explained, because the favoured child may simply see their sibling as jealous of their attention ...
... Thomas said she believes what narcissistic parents experience is not love. There will be moments of perceived affection, like Christmases with extravagant gifts, or expensive summer holidays. But at some point, the mask will inevitably fall and the kindness will fade.

Kids' Perception Of Parents' Favoritism Counts More Than Reality by Nancy Shute

The Effects of Parental Narcissism on Sibling Relationships by Scott Thompson

Do you have a favorite child? by Shobha Bhaskar, M.D.

Confessions of a Favorite Daughter: My parents’ blatant favoritism made me a narcissist and my sister depressed. Is it too late for me to stop it? by Emily Yoffe

Discussion of Favoritism on the Sons of Narcissistic Mothers blog 

Selfishness and Narcissism in Family Relationships by Lynne Namka, Ed, D

Raised By A Narcissist by Jonice Webb PhD

You Discovered Narcissistic Parent’s Destructive Family Secret by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

6 Signs You Were Raised By A Narcissist by Anna Almendrala

Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist gives 5 ways to raise them to be kind by Amy Joyce

The relationship between a narcissistic golden child and the scapegoat from the Welcome to Daisy website 

Teaching empathy: What kind of parent are you? by Amy Joyce. One of the issues many people have with people with narcissistic personality disorder (and/or abusers in general) is that they are hypocrites. If you don't model caring behavior for your child, and insist that your child has a caring nature, while you are cruel and abandoning, it won't work.

These videos talk about what I have discussed in this post

(and I agree with the message):

© Narcissism Survivor (screen name)

This next video is about whether a narcissistic parent will swap out

the golden child for the scapegoat. It is rare, especially for any length of time.

It happens when (and if) the golden child is not dancing to every parental demand. 

It happens if the scapegoat has never experienced hoovering before and is vulnerable to it. 

When the golden child wants to re-establish his "preferred" status with the parent 

and give into the demand, the scapegoat goes back to being discarded 

(and also vilified, insulted, degraded, dismissed, mocked, lectured at,  

erroneously blamed and punished, and reviled yet again by the narc parent):

© Narcissism Survivor (screen name)

This next video is about a woman telling her story. 

She tells her story about how an older brother scapegoat left the family at 14.

Remember I mentioned that when one scapegoat leaves the family, that the narc parent

always replaces one scapegoat with another one from her remaining family?

This is what happened to this young woman:

From Golden Child to Scapegoat:

© Escape from Narcissism (screen name)
Her story is interesting and personal. She became an expatriate and moved to Spain and learned another language to get away from her narcissistic family (moving away and becoming as anonymous as possible by getting a PO box is what happens in an overwhelming number of cases where the scapegoating has become unbearable). To watch more of her tell her story click here.
These aren't great videos, and there are distractions in them (cat using a box, wind), but they are like listening to a friend. They may make you feel connected to the person. By the way, if you are a scapegoat, hearing others tell their stories is a way to heal. Listening to someone in person is always preferable to a video because you can establish a relationship with that person. However these kinds of videos can help when you are tossing and turning in bed all night, wondering what to do with your family situation, and feel an urgency to get a sense of how someone else is dealing with it all.

I found this one on Pinterest here

(originally from a facebook page that appears to have been taken down),

but worthy of being out on the internet:

I found this Peanuts cartoon on this blog, another good blog about dealing with a narcissistic family

(it should speak to those scapegoats who have been given the silent treatment
or have been ostracized):