How to spot a Narcissist before you get hurt, the narcissists' trade secrets are all about manipulation

name of cartoon: "A Narcissist's Soul Mate" 

image is © 2016 by Lise Winne

(for questions regarding use of images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Please note that when I talk about narcissism in this blog, I am talking about the disorder Narcissistic Personality Disorder (not self admiration). Narcissism belongs to the Cluster B personality disorders which include Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. Overwhelmingly, most abusers have a Cluster B personality disorder. Also note: active addicts and active alcoholics can mimic Narcissistic Personality Disorder (go here for more explanation).

What are the narcissist's trade secrets? Charm, flattery, idealization, "we have everything in common!", love bombing, swift falling in love.

But ... if it's too good to be true, then you very well might have met a narcissist.

Look into the closet of their past. Are there a lot of affairs?

Does he (or she) explain away any misdeeds? Does he (or she) make everything that has gone wrong in his (or her) life someone else's fault? Does he (or she) show any signs of personal reflection and look at all of the complexities of human interactions?

According to this Psychology Today post written by Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. on how to spot a narcissist:

No matter how charming, persuasive, or coercive they seem to be, if there is a consistent pattern of incongruity between what he says versus what he actually does, you could be dealing with a narcissist. Typically, narcissists are also quite clever in explaining away their broken promises, unsubstantiated claims, rule breaking, sudden neglect, phony merits, or boundary violations ... Keep an eye on whether this person has a consistent record of following through and keeping agreements, both to you and to others. Evaluate the narcissist based on facts and substance, not showmanship and persuasion. In personal situations, be sure the relationship is genuinely two-way and reciprocal, not one-sided and exploitative. Be careful not to be used ...

I found this graphic on Jason Elders blog to be informative:

1. One tell-tale sign of a narcissist is triangulation and a pattern of comparing himself to others, and of comparing you to others. Usually narcissists sound haughty and imperious (i.e. like know-it-alls) too when it comes to how they talk about others.

Narcissists are called narcissists because so many of them boast. The only problem is that non-narcissists boast too. The big difference is that when narcissists boast, they almost always do it in a way that puts someone else down. They have a pattern of denouncing the accomplishments and personality traits of others.

They are competitive, and they are addicted to flattery (they reward for flattery and punish for criticisms). The need for constant flattery and idolization makes them vulnerable to more extreme malignant narcissists, and especially to sociopaths. So they tend to be surrounded by other narcissists, or sociopaths, who take advantage of them through their constant need for flattery, especially later in life. But they are also chosen by narcissists and sociopaths because both personality types usually enjoy bullying and hurting others, and they like hurting others through team work (go to my movie review on The Tudors which discusses King Henry VIII to understand how this dynamic works in its ultimate form).

There is a brand of narcissist (a more social butterfly kind of narcissist who tends to be a leader) who is not so addicted to flattery, but uses triangulation in nearly every situation. They use flattery only as as a tool, whether that flattery is given or received. They flatter and receive flattery to gain respectability, social standing, to exceed and to manipulate/triangulate others. All narcissists use triangulation, but usually not to this extreme. These kinds of narcissists demand enmeshment at all times. In other words, they tend to be, what is termed as engulfing narcissists, but they seem to be a sub-species in that their tell-tale difference is the need to be surrounded by compassionate enablers and co-dependents than sociopaths and more devious narcissists. I talk about this brand of narcissist in this post.

So, is your date comparing himself constantly to others so that, in his stories, he looks better than another person? Does he shift his preference for one person in his family while ignoring another person? Does he try to control people in his family, and most of all, does he try to control what kind of relationship one family member has with another family member? Does he try to control the information in his family? Is he a busy-body who feels entitled to know what kinds of relationships each family member is having?

One sign of whether he is triangulating in his relationships is if he tries to tell family members who they should or should not associate with ("divide and conquer") or puts glib derisive labels on his family members.

If he is an authority figure in his family, does he have estranged or ostracized children? That is a dead give away of a narcissist. Unless the child is a criminal with a record, or battling a long addiction, most of the time estranged and ostracized children point to the parent being abusive (most abusers have personality disorders: narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths and psychopaths are predominantly people who abuse -- see my post about who perpetrates abuse).

Occasionally children are abusive to their parents, but it is extremely rare.

2. Narcissists get off on hurting others. While this may not be immediately apparent when you meet a narcissist, they can say things like "Let's make so-and-so jealous." Wanting other people to feel jealousy is a dead give-away of a narcissist.

3.  Another tell-tale sign of a narcissist is that when they are confronted, or when they receive a criticism, a critique or an honest look into their intentions and motives they have a pattern of being overly defensive and retaliatory.

If you want to know if a person is a narcissist, ask people around the narcissist questions. Do they blow up over the tiniest issue? Do they retaliate and reject others over issues where they might feel shame over something that they did?

In other words, in his past relationships, did he talk out issues or walk away from them? Did he do any self reflection, or did he blame? Did he give the silent treatment and discard? A history of dealing with conflict by blaming, giving the silent treatment and discarding others is almost always guaranteed to be a narcissist.

Emotionally healthy people do not act in these ways: in close personal relationships healthy people are open to self reflection, compromise and conflict resolution. They want to understand others who disagree with them.

4. Another sign of a narcissist is that they act intimate too soon: they show an interest in getting inside your head, your emotions, your life. They have an incredible desire to know EVERYTHING about you. They want to extract loyalty from you too soon. This can feel flattering, but it is a pitfall because most narcissists do not reveal much about themselves except in terms of accomplishments, and image related talk. And ... while they expect loyalty from you, they rarely give it in return. These relationships are not two-way or reciprocal. If you see these signs, keep a wide distance.

Some of the earliest tell-tale signs are mirroring your likes and dislikes, love bombing, imperiousness, grandiosity, arrogance, lecturing, giving unsolicited advice and telling you what you feel and think (i.e. not asking you what you feel and think).

5. Narcissists often contradict themselves. They'll say something, and then if you point out their contradictions, they deflect: "I didn't really mean it in that way", or "It was just a joke. You obviously can't take a joke."

6. Narcissists are notorious for erroneous blaming and they use it often in their close personal relationships. They try to find something (anything at all) to put blame on others. In fact, some narcissists are so into blaming (with triangulation), that nearly everything they talk about is a complaint (with blaming): they blame the politician they don't like, they blame the weather for why they failed to do something, they blame the boss for why they were fired, they blame family members for just about anything and everything, and the list goes on. For more on erroneous blaming see this post.

7. A lot of narcissists play the victim, especially when they are caught at covering up their misdeeds. If the person you just met spends his time telling you that he was always the victim in his past relationships, then that can be a sign ... Realize this: the real victims are usually in years and years of therapy. They go to groups with other victims of abuse and talk openly about their problems. They have been diagnosed with PTSD by a professional in the mental health field. Most likely, any victim of abuse will probably still be in therapy when dating others. That is because victims don't trust themselves when meeting potential lovers: they are skittish, reserved, go slow and get advice from their therapist as they go through the process.

From my own experience, I have never, ever met a narcissist in a self-help group, not one. Narcissists don't go because it is easier to blame others when things go wrong in their relationships. They figure, "Why go when I can just scapegoat someone who will be gullible enough to believe that everything is their fault?"

Adult children of narcissists are especially vulnerable to other narcissists coming into their lives in the way of friends, lovers and spouses. They are vulnerable because they have grown accustomed to parents who trash them, ignore dire needs and crises, abandon them when they are going through life tragedies, crash their boundaries and emotionally abuse them if they are not completely compliant. This sets up a pattern of the adult child getting sucked in by one abuser after another. Often the adult child of a narcissist feels that he has a target on his back when the reality is that he has never been taught by emotionally healthy parents how to avoid abuse, how to protect himself from abuse, how to set up good boundaries and spot abusive people. Since abusive parents also put enormous pressures on their children to reveal, to become enmeshed, adult children of narcissists tend to be way too open, and their openness is like honey to other narcissists and sociopaths.

Narcissistic parents primarily use emotional and verbal abuse (insults, put-downs, name-calling and labeling in derogatory ways, the silent treatment, favoritism, scapegoating, ranking children, gaslighting, expecting impossible perfectionism in looks and deeds, smearing, intimidating and isolating a child from the family for long periods of time when they don't like something their child did). All of this can escalate to physical abuse too, but it usually always starts with verbal and emotional abuse first. To find out what the tell-tale signs of child abuse are, go to this link.

Narcissistic parents can be protective of their children if the abuse comes from outside the family. Most narcissists are drastic in their reactions: they either make their child out to be totally faultless or they try to convince their child that he or she (the child) brought it on themselves. "You brought it upon yourself" or "they brought it on themselves" are typical narcissistic and sociopathic phrases when someone reports being abused.

Narcissists and sociopaths have also made exceptions about how they respond to abuse: they can say it is not okay for their child to be abused outside the family, but deserves abuse inside the family (narcissists tend to be very hypocritical). When their child is being abused by someone outside the family, some narcissists can seem to change their attitudes about abuse: they will give advice, listen for long hours, be solicitous of all details, offer financial support, hugs, and sympathy. Yet, from my experience, this doesn't mean they will have learned anything at all about abuse, or on how to be non-abusive. As a therapist once told me, it is hard to see it as a set-up at first: the parent is protective of the child because the abuse of their child reflects badly upon the parent, the parent having the attitude that "No one else has the right to abuse my child except for me." This is what can be heartbreaking for victims of parental abuse. Abusive parents, whether they help their children or not, almost always practice idealize, devalue and discard with their children, no matter what, just as they do in romantic relationships.

Narcissists aren't evolved enough to know how to react to children, or lovers, in any other way than the idealize, devalue and discard way when inevitable conflicts and differences in perspectives arise in their relationships. Narcissists are like six year olds in this regard. They keep alternating between idealizing, being bored and punishing, until they are distracted by someone else. They think that everything will go their way if they just punish enough. They use endless excuses and word salad arguments for why they punish and destroy others. They also desperately try to deflect to keep from being suspected and falling out of grace. They disable others emotionally or psychologically and then when their targets get therapy (usually for PTSD), the narcissists absolve themselves of any wrongdoing, by saying to others, "You see? I told you he was crazy! He's seeing a therapist!"    

To be the child of a narcissist, is to be on the receiving end of idealizations and discards, over and over again. Very few narcissistic parents change, nor do they want to change, and they are also seemingly incapable of change. Most children of narcissists are abused. The golden child, who is given special status by the parent, is sometimes spared the abuse, especially if the family can keep a family scapegoat from leaving the family, and especially if he can convince the scapegoat that he deserves to be blamed for everything. The protection and safety net for a child of a narcissist has a lot of holes in it. Love is taken away over and over again, swiftly and heartlessly, often over minutae, and without regard to circumstances. The betrayal, trickery, manipulations and loss can be overwhelming until the child learns how to separate himself from his parent. Usually a relationship with a narcissistic parent means going from total enmeshment and symbiosis, to one of being bullied, and being ostracized (discarded), over something most people would perceive as insignificant.

The extreme forms of damage done to children in these kinds of relationships should be warning enough to any and all potential lovers and close friends of a narcissist. Most adult children of narcissists are either in a stage of idealization, which can produce another narcissist, or they are in a stage of shunning. The shunned children usually had to endure a relationship with their parent that was destroyed over an issue where the parent went for domination, power and control over working it out through compromise, respect for differences, and a common goal of understanding the perspectives of one another.

If the narcissist is a boss, or a potential boss, be on the lookout. Narcissistic bosses fire for trivial reasons, do not listen to their workers, always appear to have to be right and do not care for their employees thoughts, issues, safety and well being. They are probably not worth working for. A prospective boss who has fired a lot of people, who is not concerned about how his actions effected others, who has had a string of relationship failures, who uses verbal abuse and shaming techniques to get what he wants, has used the silent treatment in the past and who appears angry when challenged, is probably not worth investing in.

Understand that narcissists rarely change unless they are hit with some very tragic events and wake-up calls. Even then, they are so addicted to blaming others, and interested in obtaining others' fear and flattery, that they may never wake up. They unrealistically expect that if they punish, blame and discard, that their victims will still want them, and will still feel obligated towards them. Narcissists and sociopaths think that they can always use guilt and fear to easily manipulate others.

This might work once on a victim, but as it becomes a noticeable pattern, or if the extreme over-reaction is over something too small to make sense of, then the victim's general trend is to separate from the narcissist. This is one reason why narcissists have very short term relationships.

As Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. states, from the same Psychology Today article:     

Since narcissists can be very charming and persuasive, it’s easy to fall under their influence and do what they want, for it might feel good to do so, at least initially. Very soon, however, you may discover that what you do with the narcissist is almost always on his or her terms, or the narcissist may begin to place upon you an ever increasing list of unreasonable expectations and demands. He or she may start to show a clear pattern of inconsistency, being there for you one moment and disappearing the next ...

In another Psychology Today article by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. tells how more Machiavellian narcissists operate:

People high in both narcissism and Machiavellianism ... are the ones who really get under your skin. Their antagonism makes them particularly hard to live with, and they’ll almost always get in the way of your accomplishing your goals. Machiavellian narcissists have mastered the art of one-uppance as they try to show their superiority while steamrolling over everyone else’s feelings and opinions.

Greg Zaffuto of the popular facebook site After Narcissistic Abuse tells in great detail what being in a relationship with a narcissist is like. Here is just a paragraph of his writing:

They lie, they are purely vindictive, they look down on everybody, they refuse to accept any responsibility, they are two-faced backstabbers, they live by no rules or laws, they prefer laughing at people rather than with them, they are pathological bullies, they are very childlike, they believe that no matter what happens they will prevail because they see themselves as invincible, they believe that whatever bad things they do they deserve forgiveness, they NEVER do anything wrong in their eyes, they are fearless to the point of being insanely unrealistic with their delusional attacks, their lies, and smear campaign, they are obsessed with their fantasies about power, success and wealth, they are incapable of compromise and need to win, they thrive on evoking reactions and emotions - both negative or positive because it gives them a Narcissistic high, chaos rules their life, they are out-of-control with their needs to secure supply from all people, they cheat on all of their partners, they break down their target/victim’s will through constant dehumanization and brainwashing to make them feel like they are the negative entity in the relationship and worthless. They are NOT capable of “real” love as normal people know it. --- Greg Zaffuto from After Narcissistic Abuse

FURTHER READING:

Narc-Sadistic Brainwashing: The 8 Ingredients Of Mind Control by Bree Bonchay, LCSW

20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You -- highly recommended. This is a long read (7 pages), but all of the "tactics" toxic people use are in this list. The article is written by Shahida Arabi, a popular author and You-Tuber (Self Care Haven) on narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic abuse.

13 Ways to Tell if It's Love or Manipulation -- a Psychology Today article

Shedding Light on Psychology’s Dark Triad: a dirty dozen test to detect narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy -- by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

20 traits of Malignant Narcissism -- recommended. Not as good an article as 20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You in my opinion, but it covers the same territory. Malignant narcissists have most of the traits listed in the article which include pathological lying, scapegoating others, breaking promises and vows, never accepting responsibility (blame-shifting, i.e. putting the blame on the victims), pitting people against each other, pretending to be a victim, trying to destroy others when confronted about their behavior, rejecting others in a pre-emptive strike if they feel that their lies are being discovered and uncovered, gets off on being cruel to others (gleeful), brainwashes others, has poor impulse control, has lack of empathy, is opportunistic, pretends to be your soulmate, no respect for the rights of others, degrades others, takes wild chances with their relationships, can be violent.

The Secret Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Manipulate their Victims -- Elephant Journal Article by Via Shahida Arabi. Discusses the idealization, devaluation and discard phases in more depth.

Are You Dating an Emotional Predator? – Signs of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths by Shahida Arabi

Great post on the blog, Psychopath Free -- "30 Red Flags of Manipulative People" -- these people often end up with abusive and rejecting behavior. Watch out for "You're my soulmate", mirroring your personality, values and interests especially if it comes in the first few months after you met

How Sociopaths Hook Empathetic People – With False Innocence and Appreciation -- by Jackson Mackenzie


5 Early Warning Signs You're With a Narcissist: learn how to spot the red flags for narcissism you might have missed -- by Craig Malkin, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Sign of a narcissist: Narcissistic Chaos: Creating Turmoil on Purpose -- from Zari Ballard's blog.
Here are some excerpts from the post:
The narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional ...
... This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner ... Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs ...
... Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc.

Profile of a Narcissistic Sociopath – Charming, Manipulative, Grandiose, Lying, Authoritarian, Secretive, Divisive from the Truth In Life, In Relationships, In Spirituality blog
 
Sign of a narcissist: loves to argue and debate. The sign is that they have to "win" arguments, rather than understand others' perspectives. So: Stop Wasting Time Arguing with Narcissistic People -- from the Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My! blog.

Here are some excerpts from the post:

Narcissistic people are famous for using irrational argument tactics to time-suck and abuse unsuspecting victims. On the constant hunt for a “narcissistic supply source” that will pay attention to them, the more heated and volatile an exchange, the more likely a narcy person is to derive pleasure from the argument.

Narcy people thrive on hurting, confusing, bewildering, befuddling, and abusing others verbally. To destroy other people emotionally and socially, they oftentimes resort to using pathological lying, deliberate misinterpretation, word salad arguments, and a host of other dirty conversation tricks to entice an unknowing person into spending time listening to, talking to, pleading with, and trying their hardest to communicate effectively with them ...
... Again, resist the urge to debate with them. Resist the urge to share any personal information with them ... Understand that when they get verbally combative — or start manipulating covertly using NLP techniques used by kidnappers to manipulate and control the minds of their captive victims — that they are acting from a place deep within their subconscious nature.
The post also tells you how not to enable the abuser (i.e. keeping peace with them, letting their unethical tactics go, minimizing their abusive tactics as a "bad childhood", etc). It can turn you into one of their Flying Monkeys (helping them to excuse and downplay abuse).

Narcissists can turn into Sociopaths (Antisocial Personality Disorder). The Cluster B personality disorders run on a continuum, and as narcissists age, they tend to get worse (i.e. more sociopathic). Here are signs of sociopaths (from the True Love Scam blog -- endorsed by psychologist, Dr. Deborah Ettel, Phd.):
20 Characteristics of a Sociopath
1. Fun, charming and entertaining. Super polite when meeting people.
2. Impressively talented, knowledgeable or skilled, or lead us to believe they are.
3. Have profound perception; later it’s scary, like telepathy, even from a distance.
4. Are easily offended and vain. They fluster and bluster when offended and lash out.
5. Lie always. About all things – .01% of what they say might be true – such as their shoe size.
6. They believe they are better than everyone – and hold others in contempt.
7. Crave a good reputation. Defend their reputation with outrageous lies; see #5.
8. Crave status and power through possessions & money.
9. Have delusions of fame and importance.
10. Mimic our human emotions of affection, love, concern.
11. Have no capacity for care, concern or love. They are faking it. They imitate us.
12. Think of themselves as victims. They can cry fake tears at the drop of a hat.
13. Are sexually promiscuous and often simultaneously avoid sex with a primary partner.
14. Do anything they want to anyone.
15. Think their prey should be grateful.
16. Take pride in their scams. Run several scams simultaneously. Many women; many men.
17. Believe everyone deserves what they do to them.
18. Smear their victims when things end loudly, publicly, online and in court.
19. Have outbursts of rage. Can be violent.
20. Know they are monsters; they enjoy it.
I personally disagree with #3 because they are too caught up in "people manipulating" and power trips to have any deep understanding of what it is like to think, feel and to be a real empath. The fact that they have to fake empathy, and get tangled in lies they can't keep straight, and that they appear to have very few interests beyond mirroring and imitating others, tells me that they haven't the slightest clue as to who people really are. These are NOT sensitive and telepathic people (they are so out of touch that they have to gaslight in order to see anything that seems vaguely familiar to them -- think about that) -- my opinion.

5 Things Sociopaths Say to Make You Feel Crazy by Jackie MaKenzie

A video I found on Facebook:
Understand the gray area between love and control before a bad relationship escalates.

(sorry no picture, so click on link) 

Here is a video by Family Tree Counseling, by therapist Mark Smith on character mis-perceptions 

as it relates to predatory narcissists:

Dr. Phil is interviewed by Oprah Winfrey about the signs of toxic people:

Dr. Phil is interviewed on CNN about "Baiters":

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula claims you can tell if people are narcissists

based on eye contact in this video:

"Narcissists and Eye Contact"

by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:

 

Here is a video by Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love

on how to spot an abuser on a first or second date.
Sam Vaknin is a self-proclaimed narcissist, and he is a controversial figure
in the survivor community. Because he has the disorder, it is always wise
to take what he says with a grain of salt.
Many therapists, however, find his insights into the mind of narcissists invaluable
(it takes one to know one, and who better to tell you how they think and function than
someone living with the personality disorder).
I found this video to be consistent with writings about first meetings with narcissists
and how to watch for signs:

I found this great quote from my relative on this post from the Queen Beeing website:

taunting and goading is bullying (and bullying is abuse)!

name of cartoon: "Taunting and Goading is Bullying

and Bullying is Abuse"

image is © 2016 by Lise Winne

(for questions regarding use of images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

The definition of taunting (from Google) is:
noun
1. a remark made in order to anger, wound, or provoke someone.
synonyms: jeer, jibe, sneer, insult, barb, catcall; informal dig, put-down; teasing, provocation, goading, derision, mockery

verb
1. provoke or challenge (someone) with insulting remarks.
synonyms: jeer at, sneer at, scoff at, poke fun at, make fun of, get at, insult, tease, chaff, torment, goad, ridicule deride, mock, heckle, ride; informal rib, needle

The definition of goading (from Google) as far as abuse is concerned is:
verb
1. provoke or annoy (someone) so as to stimulate some action or reaction.
synonyms: provoke, spur, prod, egg on, hound, badger, incite, rouse, pressure

The noun of "goad" probably has something to do with the origin of the word:
1. a spiked stick used for driving cattle
synonyms: prod, spike, staff, crook, rod
"he applied his goad to the cows"

Usually both taunting and goading are used in tandem in abusive situations, along with verbal abuse and smear campaigns. Taunting and goading is usually where abuse starts (after making a laughing stock or derisive jokes). It is usually also the beginning of non-empathetic, cruel responses, and it usually escalates from there into a whole arsenal of other kinds of abuses.

Why is taunting and goading abuse? The purpose of taunting and goading for bullies is the same as in all abusive relationships: to find a scapegoat who will absorb a person's or a group's rage, anger and blame, and to gain power and control over the scapegoat and others within the social sphere.

If a person seems different, to have a different perspective and philosophy than the group, to be alone in some manner, taunting and goading that person separates that person from the group further mentally and emotionally for both the perpetrators and the victim. The perpetrator looks upon the victim as "not one of us" and the victim looks upon the perpetrators as "different from me."

Taunting and goading is contempt with a challenge. It is to provoke or annoy in order to stimulate some action or reaction from the target.

Most taunting and goading in bullying situations is filled with insulting remarks or derision, or it can be passive aggressive too (a lot of silent treatments, stonewalling attempts to discuss and resolve, chiding, targeted jokes, saying under-handed things which imply a threat, or communicating an "I don't care what you are going through" kind of message that abusers are famous for, particularly when "they should care"). Taunting and bullying is used to incite someone into an emotional state. The bullies want their target to feel anger, or depression, or sad, or alone, or to have feelings of inferiority. They want you to have feelings that you are different from others (a "freak" not worthy of their company or respect). It is all an isolation tactic.

Bullies want you to believe that fairness and justice are not meant for you, that they exclude you, and are only meant for others. They hope that this will incite you to fight back. They hope also that you will be so enraged as to not be rational. Ultimately, taunting, goading, injustice and bullying are used to provoke you into defending yourself, displaying emotion, or debating with them, or to compete with them, or to go away, or to go on the attack. The bullies want a reaction, and count on it, so that they can continue with more taunting, goading and bullying. They rationalize in their minds that any reaction you have is justification for more bullying.

If you defend yourself, the defense often comes with revealing something. The bullies might get emotional information about you so that they know what weaknesses you have so that those weaknesses can be used for more bullying. Any information they can get is what is used for more derision and put-downs. Labels such as "stupid", "crazy" and "twisted" may be used too. These are verbal abuses with gaslighting (all of it is likely to escalate to psychological abuses, emotional abuses and physical abuses).

At any rate, kindness is not part of the vocabulary. That is the point of goading, taunting and bullying: it is to get you to understand that no one will be kind to you, no one has compassion or empathy for your issues or perspectives. In the end what it really communicates is that no one in the social circle cares about you, or your well-being, i.e. no one cares about you physically, mentally or emotionally.

Taunting, goading and bullying are meant to diminish the target's self esteem. Bullies hope that if they drill into a target that he is not wanted or liked, that he will feel unworthy of being wanted or liked himself (i.e. poor self esteem). But it is a falsehood, a campaign that was manufactured by the bullies.

In a social context, taunting and goading's purpose is to get others to see the victim as "less than", i.e. inferior to others in the social circle he belongs to. It is a type of vilification and scapegoating.

Most tauntings and goadings are used to disable a victim from feeling he can "win an argument". In other words, it is meant to instill in a target that he cannot win respect, dignity, regard, or a voice in issues which effect him.

The bullies also usually try to make it known to the target, that the target is overwhelmed by a lot of opposition, such as "no one likes you" or "no one agrees with you" or "You're not important" or "you're not an important member." It is used to isolate someone from the social circle. The target is usually also told there may be ever more bully recruits on the way who will go against him. The target feels like an outcast, and the bullies teach him that he is an outcast only deserving of derision from the group. Mocking, gossip and scorn are almost always used in tandem with goading and taunting. These other types of abuses are designed to wear a victim down further into some kind of reaction.

And it is natural to react to bullying and injustice, except reactions often get victims of bullying into a deeper hole with ever more abuse hurled at them. Any reaction at all from the victim, even silence, is usually used in some way by the bullies to dish out more abuse (incidentally, silence and shutting down are symptoms of PTSD). These are some instances of how bullies sometimes react to the targets who have PTSD and who have gone silent:
"What-sa matta? Cat got your tongue? You really are a wimp! And stupid too! You know you are, otherwise you'd have something to say!"
"Ha! Ha! Good you're silent! That means you know we are right!"
"Good! We like it when you're silent! Who wants to hear what you have to say, anyway!?"
"Good! I'm glad to see that you know that what you have to say isn't important!"
"Come on! Talk, talk, talk, talk!" -- with chanting.
"If you don't friggin' talk, then you know what the consequences are!"

Even defending yourself from a physical attack can result in a bully or bullies telling authorities that you un-provokingly hurt one of their brethren (see my post on Abusers Often Accuse their Victims of What They are Guilty Of coming soon -- or check out a similar topic: Projection).

Bullying is abuse and almost all abuse escalates no matter what a victim does, how a victim acts, what he says, how he dresses, who his friends are, who he tries to please, no matter how much he tries to fit in, no matter how ingratiating he appears to be. Bullying and abuse are aberrant reactions, and the fault of the abuse lies entirely with the perpetrators of abuse. To understand more about who abusers are (mostly people with Cluster B personality disorders), why they perpetrate abuse, and who they tend to target for abuse, go to my post HERE.

In family situations, taunting and goading is most often expressed as playing "favorites" with children. The parent(s) thinks that by playing favorites, it will spur all children to work harder (and especially to work hard for parental approval and love). If the child cries over the injustice, the abusive parent is sometimes known to get a little skip in their step, and be unmoved by the child's pain.

It is no different than bullies on the playground: they like upsetting their targets.

In the end, most children who are scapegoated by bullying parent(s) or bullying sibling(s) end up abandoning their family. Most children know that "real" parental love is not abuse with taunting and goading, or conditional upon unrealistic and hair-trigger expectations of "perfectionism" (see my post on perfectionism for better understanding). If bullying is carried on for any length of time, especially into teenage years, children can become highly rebellious. If it is carried into adulthood, estrangement from parents is more the norm. See my post on Favoritism in the Family for more information.

Alternatively, many parents reject children outright, hoping it will spur those children to want to be accepted. The problem with this thinking is that it negates feelings in a child of wanting to be accepted by abusive parents. The child cannot respect his parents, because his parents are abusive. So in the end, you may have parents who give up on a child who won't bend under pressure no matter how many "punishments" (i.e. abuse) are hurled at them. And you also have a child or children who will not bend under pressure because he has no respect for bullying hypocritical parents.

So, what is a person to do about taunting and goading?

What victims of bullying often find is that having a loner status is a detriment. So they often form their own group (perhaps other victims are part of that group) and defend each other from the attacks and isolation tactics of the bullies, much as a tribe defends its members against another tribe out in the jungle. The other analogy is to keep the "good people" together in a unit, a herd, so that the bullies (predators) cannot isolate out one victim at a time to feed on (i.e,. to get narcissistic supply from). Often the best offense and defense is associating with a group of fair-minded, ethical, peaceful people with a common goal. It is always important to find others outside of the sphere of influence of the bullies. These people should also have your best interests at heart.

Taunting and goading is only effective if you value the opinions of bullies.

Remember that empaths out-number bullies at least 96 percent to 4 percent in the general population, so empaths can overwhelm bullies if they choose to do so.

Where this might not work is in a "bullying family", i.e. families where the bullies outnumber the empaths. Most "bullying families" are headed by a bully, who condones bullying, who often favors and trains a child or children to be co-bullies. These co-bullies then try to get other family members to comply with the vision of the head bully, who then gangs up on a family member, usually one member, an assigned family scapegoat. Alcoholic families and narcissistic families tend to be bullying families.

Many targets go "no contact" with the social network of the bullies altogether and do any of the following: avoid, circumvent, move away, disguise themselves, disguise their location, disguise their ambitions, disguise their emotions, disguise their plans, disguise their status, and lie to the bullies to throw them off base or to get them going after a phantom.

If you are in a family and being bullied and taunted by a member or members, and you are an adult, my advice is to go to a counselor who specializes in abuse and domestic violence. If you are under-age, go to the school psychologist and tell him of the situation or seek help by walking into a domestic violence center. Being with other survivors can help (CoDA or group therapy), and connections you make can help you to stay on track from going back into abusive situations. It might be good to start building a psychological wall between you and the bullies, perhaps go grey rock, or divert their attention to uncharged discussions, until you can go "no contact" or "extremely low contact". I would make every effort to keep your feelings, thoughts and movements in your life (career, friends, interests, whereabouts, etc) to yourself until you can escape the abuse. Bullying is not "natural" and should not be thought of as tolerable.

If you are being bullied by a spouse or live-in partner, I would say the first place to start in ameliorating your situation is to go to counseling. Counselors who specialize in domestic violence and/or abuse are best. A therapist can help you gauge how dangerous your situation is (there are signs to watch out for in the escalation process -- and briefly they include any unwanted touch, close range raging, intimidating body language such as making a fist when the abuser is talking, a scolding type of finger in close range, or threats to isolate you from your family or your social circle) -- more on the signs of when emotional abuse is transitioning and escalating to physical abuse, in another post.

If you are in school and being bullied and taunted, I would suggest going to the school psychologist and telling them of the incidences. If you are in college, colleges often have counselors on hand. Perhaps ask parents to intervene and find a therapist who specifically specializes in abuse. Separate yourself as much as you can from bullies. Also remember that self sabotage and "suicidal thoughts" can be a typical reaction to bullying and abuse: it is part of the "flight" reaction, i.e. your body and mind telling you to get out of the toxic, stressful situation (often when victims get free of abuse, and their abusers, their self esteem recovers and suicidal feelings begin to subside).

If you are abused at work by a bully boss or a bully co-worker, I would suggest reading these following books and websites as it can be a complicated matter. It may be better to leave, it may be better to stay, or it may be better to hire an attorney. It all depends on the mind-set and attitudes of superiors in the situation. Some superiors are educated and evolved when it comes to bullying in the workplace, and some are not.

The Bully at Work: What You Can Do to Stop the Hurt and Reclaim Your Dignity on the Job -- by Gary Namie, PhD and Ruth Namie, PhD

The Bully-Free Workplace: Stop Jerks, Weasels, and Snakes From Killing Your Organization -- by the same authors as above

Surviving Bullies, Queen Bees & Psychopaths in the Workplace -- by Patricia G. Barnes, J.D. (told from an attorney's point of view)

Adult Bullying--A Nasty Piece of Work: Translating Decades of Research on Non-Sexual Harassment, Psychological Terror, Mobbing, and Emotional Abuse on the Job -- by Pamela Lutgen-Sandvik PhD

The Complete Guide to Understanding, Controlling, and Stopping Bullies & Bullying at Work: A Complete Guide for Managers, Supervisors, and Co-Workers -- by  Margaret R Kohut

Overcoming Mobbing: A Recovery Guide for Workplace Aggression and Bullying -- by Maureen Duffy and Len Spery

Bullyonline -- one of the first resources on the web about workplace bullying

What NOT TO DO When Being Bullied at Work -- an article by Sharilee Swaity for HubPages

Also see info-graphic at the end of this post.

If the abuser in your life expresses a desire to make up with you, realize that making up with you, saying I'm sorry or saying they realize you were important to them after all, is not real change. Warning: their overtures can be what is termed as hoovering, and often are. Real change comes from a commitment to on-going rehabilitation (i.e. giving up on bullying to solve interpersonal relationship problems altogether). This has to be done over many years with a counselor who specializes in abuse. The reason is: abuse is a habit, a very, very ingrained habit, and habits are hard to break. Putting into practice those things the therapist recommends, respecting every single one of your boundaries and respecting the boundaries of people in your life is the only "sign" you should consider as change when they are acting like they "can't live without you." Also learn about triangulation (as abusers are known to slip back into "abuse mode" by triangulating).

Begin to keep a record of abusive incidents by writing those incidents down, or recording those incidents. Keep another copy in a bank deposit box. If there are threats, contact the police, and ask them either to intervene or to keep a record.

Once victims get over the bullies in their lives, there is often a growth spurt, and better awareness of what is important in relationships.

The point is that we are all social animals and some of us are more evolved socially than others. We all need a voice, to feel that we belong, and live a life free of oppression, threat and abuse from others. Bullies, by nature, are not socially evolved people. They also are the most resistant to change. So it is important to find other socially evolved people who are on the same wave-length that you are on.

In this article Dr. Karen Siris, school principal and adjunct professor at Adelphi University weighs in on what bullying is:

We say behavior is bullying if it is repeated, continues over time, and is used to harass the same target. Teasing, name-calling, and exclusion are all bullying behaviors ...

She also has some advice on how to handle bullying:

Everyone must be aware that "kindness is cool; cruelty is not." This has to be taught in kindergarten and continue with a common vocabulary through high school.

In this Psych Central article, Erika Krull, MS, LMHP states that it is in homes that bullying starts first and is allowed to grow and fester, spilling over into the school environment. She also hypothesizes that blended families (step-families) may have more issues with bullying behaviors than biological families:  

Most of the news we hear about bullying is in the school setting. This absolutely needs to be addressed, no doubt. However, I wonder if many people generally accept some level of bullying as a part of regular family life. What some people get away with in their own homes may not be tolerated if their child was reporting the problem as coming from school.

I know that family bullying is more difficult to deal with because the situations often occur in private homes. Physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse – it’s all bullying ...

Bullying attitudes and actions often originate, or are allowed to develop, in the family. In many cases, a step-family has more opportunities for tension and competition between siblings for attention and acceptance. This certainly isn’t the case in all step-families, but the risk does exist because some sort of loss, pain, or displacement frequently comes with the deal. A family member who doesn’t handle this well may turn to bullying to feel some sense of control or power.

Just focusing on school bullying gets you about two or three steps past a more impactful starting point. However, this point is also far less accessible ...

... Every family needs to be watchful of potential bullying under their roof – 100% biological, adoptive, foster, half-siblings, whatever ...

Bullying is often perpetrated on children who are different, whether physically, emotionally, intellectually or verbally challenged. In addition, insecure children who are brought up in abusive homes who exhibit PTSD, can also be targets of bullies (because PTSD creates the urge to isolate, to protect oneself by "keeping low", and also produces depression and amygdala hijacking, making learning, concentrating and memorization extremely difficult resulting in an intellectually challenged child).

So how do you help your challenged or disabled child handle bullying and bullies?

In this Psych Central article about the intellectually challenged child, Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. has some words to say about what to expect when your child goes off to school as well as some tips on how to inoculate your child against bullying and low self esteem:

Such verbal abuse is what kids with disabilities live with day after day. “Re-tard.” “What are you – retarded?” “That’s a retarded thing to say – do – be.” The R-word has become part of the teen vocabulary. It’s in rap songs. It’s on TV. Search YouTube for “retardation” and most of what you’ll find is people doing idiotic things that result in injury. It’s so prevalent in the culture that kids use it nonchalantly to mean anything they find beneath them. Even adults fail to hear it for what it is – the ultimate putdown, the statement that people with cognitive challenges are somehow less, somehow deserving of disrespect.

In professional circles, the official label has changed in the last few years from “mentally retarded” to “intellectually disabled” (ID). It’s an improvement. It speaks more clearly to what the challenge truly is. But it’s only the latest in centuries of attempts to come up with a neutral term. “Cretin.” “Feeble-minded.” “Idiot.” “Moron.” “Imbecile.” Each began as simply a descriptor and became an insult. Each in turn was used first by adults, then by their children, as a way to say “I’m better than you are.”

Kids with intellectual disability are particularly vulnerable to being victimized. They tend to be gullible and don’t understand when they are being manipulated ... 

... Don’t fool yourself. If your child is different, he is going to be the butt of taunts, jokes, looks and eye-rolls.

Part of solving the bullying problem is to educate as many people as possible about what bullying looks like, what it sounds like, why it doesn't work in any relationship over the long run, what it does to victims, what it does to perpetrators, and what it does to by-standers. Bullying reduces the quality of life for both perpetrators and victims, and also shortens lives. There is no good that comes of it. Teaching kids how to co-operate instead of bully should start early, before it starts to be ingrained in a child's personality.

Don't play favorites with your children (if you are a parent) or your pupils (if you are a teacher). Favoritized children run more of a risk of becoming a bully (or even a criminal) than children who are treated with fair and equal treatment (for more on this subject see my post on favoritism in the family).

Bullying is debased. We can do better as a species.

From Innovative Teaching Ideasthe info-graphic I talked about in this post:

from e learning infographics:

Source unknown (found on Pinterest under Etsy)
quote by H. Milne P:

do abusers project their thoughts and feelings onto others?

name of cartoon: "Abusers Project Their Feelings
and Thoughts Onto Others"

image is © 2016 by Lise Winne

(for questions regarding use of images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

The answer to "Do abusers project their thoughts and feelings onto you?" is yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes (and what is more, just about ALWAYS, especially when they are being abusive or when they are thinking about abusing).

In fact, their accusations are usually so drastically different to what you actually feel and think, that how they read you can almost assuredly be their projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you, especially when they accuse you of something.

Projecting their feelings on to you, is just another part of erroneous blaming, which I go into detail about in this post (recommended).

Because I have written so much about projection in the Erroneous blaming post, the
Perfection in Abusive Relationships post and the Why Punishers and Abusers Use the Ungrateful Phrase post, this post will be a little more brief than those posts.

Projection, when used in conjunction with "a punishment" is always, always abuse. It is abuse because they are accusing you of certain personality traits, feelings and thoughts, and trying to make you believe that those traits, feelings and thoughts actually belong to you. If you don't believe it, they often escalate to doing everything in their power to convince you. If that doesn't work, they escalate to gaslighting you (see this post on the gaslighting technique, another form of abuse used in conjunction with their projections).

After making up things about you, they then use them as an excuse to purposely hurt you (purposely hurting someone else is the definition of abuse: go to my post on what abuse is and who it is perpetrated by to get a better understanding about what I am talking about). Note: abusers most often use the term "punishment" instead of "abuse" (most of them feel that "punishment" is a better term: it sounds more "acceptable" to them. Why? For them "punishment" refers to a child, someone insane or criminal. But make no mistake about it, "punishment" is always abuse and often unlawful unless the person administering the punishment is a court appointed judge or by an official in the US military services to a lower ranking military figure. Incarcerated individuals might also be "punished" with further "time", but this is an official with accreditation. Parents do not have a right to punish children over the age of 16, and even under the age of 16 certain kinds of punishments can cause them to lose their children or to be incarcerated).

From beginning to end, the whole process of projection goes from erroneous blaming, graduating to erroneous convincing, ending in the erroneous punishment.

Also the whole process is being used by them as an excuse to punish and hurt you (most abusers get off on watching their targets suffer).

Basically, if someone is screaming at you things that you are not feeling or thinking, such as that you are ungrateful, or that you are evil and have evil motives, or insulting you (usually with animal names: snake, serpent, rat, ass, pig, vulture, or the "it" label may be used, as David Pelzer was called in his years as a severely abused child), their observations are almost assuredly to be about them, or their plans about you. If you were a child who got smacked around or ostracized because of a look on your face, or for something equally erroneous, do not look at why you are being seen as villainous (do not make the mistake of thinking you have a target on your back), see it as their personality/feelings/thoughts projections onto you.

Why? Abusers do not generally ask you what you think and feel, instead they tell you what you think or feel. They want to be in charge of how you think and feel and supersede any of your own perceptions with their perceptions. Not asking you what you feel and think, and attributing qualities to what you think, is also one sign of an abusive person, before you get any deeper into a relationship with them. They are not psychic, not even a little, though they like to pretend they are (they are as far from being psychic or understanding as anyone can be -- their perceptions are almost assuredly paranoid and off-the-wall and about what they want to see).

You are being groomed to think that you are too stupid to know your own mind and feelings (most abusers label their victims as crazy, over-reactive and too sensitive, another gaslighting technique).

Why is it likely they are projecting when they accuse you?

1. Abusers do not take time to know their victims, except in ways where they can use information for the purpose of terrorizing, exploiting, backstabbing, arm-twisting, blackmailing and abusing ("punishing"). There is a phrase that Ram Dass is noted for: "If a pickpocket meets a saint, all he sees are his pockets" (a phrase he learned from a spiritual teacher). Abusers know their targets about as well as a pickpocket knows a saint, i.e. not very well, only as well as to notice he has pockets, nothing more, nothing less. He does not know him well enough to judge (and certainly not well enough to accuse). In other words, abusers are noted for filing away tidbits of information and using this information at a later date. This information is not at all inclusive: it is only to be useful, a tool for more prying, more labeling, more manipulation, more accusation, and in the end, only to be utilized for the purpose of abuse and gaining control over you; in other words, its purpose is NOT to build intimacy, understanding, mutual love and trust with a person.

2. Abusers spend a lot of time putting their targets through "punishments". Almost all abusers use verbal abuse and the silent treatment, a form of emotional abuse, at one time or another. A different version to the silent treatment is leaving you to be with a new love (triangulation). A person cannot know you when they put up a wall of "silence" between you and them, or when they are actively pursuing a better sycophant. None of these acts are about knowing you. Also, their minions and worshipers (generally referred to as flying monkeys in psychology circles) are not likely to know you either; in fact they know you even less than the abuser. The flying monkeys' main alliance is to the abuser, and they generally only come forward in your life to take pot-shots at you, to look at you suspiciously, to gather enough information where they think it will incriminate you, to help run smear campaigns against you and to help the abuser with bullying activities.

3. Most abusers have personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. People with these personality disorders tend to be self-involved and self absorbed. The least self involved and self absorbed is the Borderline, and the most self involved and self absorbed is the Sociopath (Antisocial). People with these personality disorders tend to attack wildly if they feel that others are viewing them critically, or less than perfect. Borderlines can control the impulse to attack and abuse best; whereas narcissists and sociopaths have extreme difficulty in controlling these impulses. Sociopaths do not even want to try to control this impulse, nor do they tend to respect the boundaries of others. While narcissists can commit crimes, their abuse tends to be non-physical (silent treatment, smear campaigns, gaslighting, goading, chiding, insulting, name-calling, vilifying, financial abuse, triangulating, emotional blackmail, terrorizing you when you are going through traumatizing life events, ignoring your special events such as graduations, birthdays, etc), whereas sociopaths are willing to take chances at physically abusing you, hoping they won't get caught.

4.  Since abusers are so self absorbed, self-admiring, labeling their targets feelings and thoughts without inquiring (as well as telling their targets what to think and feel about situations), they cannot know their targets in the slightest. The abuser, then, is projecting.

Please note: if an abuser tells you that you are evil and that you are planning evil deeds, run like hell. It usually means that the abuser is planning evil deeds against you, nine times out of ten.

When you train your mind to think of what they are saying as projection, this is an excellent way to keep safe from abuse.

Abuse almost always escalates, no matter how much you are explaining your side of things to them, no matter how much you try to defend yourself, no matter how much you try to get the abuser to understand your perspectives, no matter how kind you are to your abuser, no matter how much understanding and love you express to your abuser, no matter how much you do for your abuser, no matter how steadfast you are to your abuser, no matter how many orders you follow from your abuser. Abuse has nothing to do with you. And it's escalation has nothing to do with you either (again, it is like their drug, their high, and a high needs a bigger dose). Abuse has everything to do with them, period, never you, end of story.

The empath as the target for abuse and projection:

Empaths are usually the targets for abuse.

If you are an empath, you were chosen for abuse. Why? Because abuse is simply easier to instigate against people who care about the feelings, thoughts and needs of others. The abuser uses your concern for others for guilt trips to incite you to stay and work for them, caring for all of their needs, concerned with their judgments and thoughts about you, and keeping you thinking about them all of the time. You are also groomed to be unselfish at all times, to put their agendas always first.

Abusers also tend to use the lazy term to describe you (and their other targets), in order to keep you guilt-ridden if you take a time-out for self-care. The reason they want you to see yourself as lazy, is to guilt-trip you, and then thereby inspire you to work harder at what they demand of you. But if you notice their own actions in regards to laziness, they are almost always assured to take a lot of time for self care. Their time is spent delegating.

It is a form of slavery, or if they are giving you a little money, indentured servitude. Abuse is the whip to keep you complying with their needs and agendas.

And abuse in exchange for compliance can work for the abuser for awhile, especially if they use gaslighting to keep you in a state of confusion about their real intentions.

But once empaths realize they are being used, played for fools, deliberately gaslighted, receiving undeserved treatment, lied to, tricked, used in love triangles, slandered, abused, taken for granted, with nothing reciprocated, the agenda for the empath then changes too. Instead of complying, they think about escaping instead.

One reason why empaths make poor narcissistic supply more quickly than other types of personalities for narcissists and sociopaths is that empaths care about honorable actions like real love, real caring, real kindness, real peaceful conflict resolution, real team-work, and they realize that the narcissist or sociopath was fake about these things the whole time.

When empaths catch narcissists and sociopaths at dishonorable deeds, the abusers come under suspicion. Suspicion is not something narcs and sociopaths like, and it scares them, so they usually do a pre-emptive strike and reject the empath before the empath can reject them.

In some ways, empaths project too: they project good honest qualities on to others (sometimes before doing enough research into the person), though when empaths are lied to so much, it really isn't projecting after all, is it? It is being tricked and fooled and mind-fucked, thus the reason why therapists often refer to narcissistic and sociopathic abuse as emotional rape. Like rape, the empath is lured in by a sweet-talking impostor, someone who tells them they are loved and valued, but does not really mean it. They use the empath for narcissistic supply, and then dump the empath like so much garbage when the empath is not pleasing them. Being dumped is also referred to as the silent treatment (or ostracism if a family member did this to you). See my post on the silent treatment for more information.

Empaths value honesty, integrity, self reflection, responsibility for one's role in events, hard work, altruism, kindness, depth, enlightenment -- qualities that abusers generally do not have. Narcissists and sociopaths cannot keep their masks on forever (the masks tend to slip). So once they are caught at a lie, or some other nefarious act, an empath will feel shocked, and then eventually disgust.

Disgust is something narcs and sociopaths cannot deal with. Their usual way of dealing with being found out is to say, "I wish you hadn't done that", i.e. listened to someone else, investigated what they said, accused them of being duplicitous, and so on. Once they realize that you are investigating them and suspicious of them, they will usually go into a rage (over-react), and either do a disappearing act (the silent treatment), or they scheme at how to get rid of the suspicion much as a criminal tries to get rid of evidence.

Some of the other things they say at being found out is:

* "If that is the way you see me (or feel about me, or think about me), we're done."
* "There are consequences for that, and now you will have to pay."
* "I can't fathom why you would believe in that shoddy evidence over my own words! Why wouldn't you ask me first and let me explain?" -- and watch them explain away all of their misdeeds.
* "How could you do this? How could you do this to our wonderful life and to our home?"
* "How can you love me, and yet believe in these accusations at the same time? Don't you hold me in higher regard than that?!"
* "How can you not believe me? I am tired of being accused! This is so unwarranted! I need a break from you and all of your accusations!"
* "You actually believe what you are told? I can't believe you would do this to me! Accuse me like this! You need to sit down and get a hold of yourself! You need to get calm and take your mind off of this, or you might end up in an insane asylum. I'm worried about you."
* "You would do this to me, and to us? All of the love-making gone out the window because you believe in this tripe? If you think I am such a creep, then you should leave."
* "You wouldn't know the truth if it looked you in the eye! You're too crazy, and that is the end of this discussion!"
* "Look at what you have done! You have destroyed our relationship with this information!"
* "You shouldn't believe everything you are told. If you had listened to me, then we wouldn't be in such a pickle and I wouldn't be trying to get away from you."
* "You need to get a grip! There are some people who are out to get me! Don't be one of them! Support me! Stop believing in everything or you'll go crazy with all of this misinformation (poor thing), this witch hunt against us! They are seeking to break us up and destroy us! Just relax and believe in my intentions. Don't join those evil minions." -- downright creepy -- in fact, it is probably better to be rejected; this kind of phrasing at being caught can be a sign of a dangerous psychopath

Note: in the above statements, the abuser is trying to push responsibility on to you: for listening to and believing in evidence. The hallmark of abusers is that they do a teflon-like blame-shift to make others seem accountable in some way, even if they have to split hairs to do so. They then try to do elaborate cover-ups. Their first response is about how not to be accountable for what they have done. They try to make you accountable instead: for ruining the dream life you were supposedly trying to build together before you found out evidence which crushed your so-called mutual dream.

Fellow empaths will not act this way or treat you this way.

Alternately, some abusers cry rivers to convince you that they have changed and that you should stick by them despite the evidence you have uncovered. This is usually an act. Unless they are voluntarily going through a lot of therapy, or going through a long, difficult spiritual or karmic process, and not blaming you for any of it, they are not really sincere, or to be trusted. Also note: rehabilitation takes a long time, with advances and setbacks, and should be on-going.

Uncovering evidence is often when narcissists and sociopaths become dangerous, so be aware.

Some empaths may stay with abusers because of Stockholm Syndome, or because they believe they deserve it for something they did in the past (karma), or because of financial dependence, but the great majority of empaths do not stay with abusers, and know they did not deserve the abuse.

Empaths most often feel that they deserve reciprocity for being a good person. Most people walking around on the planet have good intentions, as well, so when empaths leave abusers, they will not have a hard time finding others who are as good as they are.

Narcissists and sociopaths do not have good intentions, but they pretend to for the sake of seeming normal in society. In order to feel above others, they usually dictate to others, and that means dictating what others feel and think, even. Since they have no real information, and cannot understand people regardless of whether they have information or not, they project onto people who they are.

They convince themselves that others are scheming ways to take them down, use them, lie to them, and abuse them ... all because that is the way they are. That is one reason why they play the victim after they have abused someone, and erroneously accuse you of motivations which don't exist, and why they punish so severely when you do not agree with their assessments of your thoughts and motivations. They are also so self-involved, where scheming to get something or arm-twisting their way through life is all that they focus on. If they cannot see others for who they really are, then they have to project to fill in the enormous blanks in their perceptions.

When empaths are out of abusive relationships, they are almost assured to be able to dust off their feet, and find other empaths who they can be in a reciprocal relationship with ... unless their self esteem is so shattered and shot that they find themselves in one abusive relationship after another, trying to figure out what they did wrong, which unfortunately happens to many of them.

When abusers are out of relationships with empaths, they are almost assured, over time, to be with other abusers (whether that be with a golden child-turned-narc, or a conniving spouse who won them in one of their super sick love triangle games, or another "suitor" who wants to surreptitiously get into their lives to get rid of the narc's circle of influence -- in other words, narcs tend to attract people just like themselves). According to psychologist Ramani Durvasula over half of favored golden children end up as bullies, and these are the children who tend to be in charge of the narc's finances and health issues when the narc abuser is old. One abuser is not going to care about how another abuser acts, so will endure the relationship with his own nefarious motives to get what ever goodies the abuser has.

Studies show that abusers never get over the relationships with the empaths they have sacrificed, whereas empaths usually get over their abusers, even if not right away, after separation (unless the empath is still stuck on ruminating about what they might have done wrong that made them a target for abuse). Also, with empaths living away from them, with histories, stories and evidence, abusers can become completely unhinged by paranoia. Their smear campaigns can become desperate and non-believable. They can also become jealous, because the empath will have what they don't have: a healthy life with healthy people, real love with other empaths, and real integrity.

Empaths can out-smart abusers (abusers tend to be personality disordered: borderlines, narcissists and sociopaths; the last two are not self reflecting types of people or willing to change except when they have no other choice at all: like when there are no more enablers, or they are destitute, or utterly alone, or sick with no one to help them, or a victim of war or violence, or the victim of a life-altering tragedy). Sometimes even homelessness doesn't change them (they can somewhat resemble The Lady in the Van if they can't find anyone to admire them).

The reason empaths can out-smart abusers is because they are not projecting. Since you know abusers almost always are projecting, abusers become pretty darned predictable. It is this predictability that makes it easy to guess their next move with accuracy.

They also generally only regard other people in terms of whether they can manipulate them (or not). They want to be able to talk people into things; it is what they live for. However, if it looks too hard for them, or they are dealing with someone who challenges them, who is onto their game, they tend to move onto an easier target. They like really insecure innocent people to pick on, and they can't stand smart, successful people. They are so enraged with jealousy most of the time, over someone, that they can barely think straight other than to be scheming retaliations and triangulations that they think will relieve them of feeling jealous. That is a huge vulnerability of theirs, it is their achilles heel.

The other area where they are vulnerable is in their paranoia. They tell so many lies and gaslight so much that they can barely keep anything straight. Having their lies and abuses exposed is their greatest fear, their biggest vulnerability. They can't even stand the possibility, so they try to bury one lie under another lie, or a bunch of lies. If they feel they haven't lied effectively enough, or deflected it, reworded it, played innocent and dumb, pretended they didn't hear right, blamed you for having to make them lie, used their lie to get into word salad arguments, or split hairs, or any of their other foolish and known strategies, they tell themselves 1. they managed to fool people somehow or 2. that the lie was no big deal  or 3. they count on people to be more empathetic than they are, and less punishing.

If you listen to narcissists' and sociopaths' opinions about your career or ambitions, they are always trying to give you advice that will set you up for failure, or they will come right out and say, "You really don't need to be working so hard. Success isn't all that important for you right now." Knowing they want you to fail (unless it makes them look good, is their other vulnerability -- and there are good strategies for bringing shame upon them for it, and shame is the last thing they want to feel; they do everything they can to run away from it).

When you know these predictables, it is always to your advantage. Since they are always trying to find some way, some little teeny tiny way to manipulate and tell people what to do, they can also be challenged in ways they could never dream up because they aren't creative in their thinking; they spend an inordinate amount of time in the attack/defend, controlling mode instead, another vulnerability of theirs.

I will talk about strategies in another post, but the real question is whether you want to even bother with it. Most people do not. Here is why:

They are sadists and they feel they have to win (sometimes at all costs). If you win anything at all they will always want to get back in the ring with you.

One analogy I have for this is this:

First ... let me preface the analogy by saying that most people regard abuse as disgusting. We don't like it when we hear people have been abusive to their child, or spouse, or to a co-worker. We tend to feel let down. When we find that a self-righteous holier-than-thou preacher has been cheating his whole life, we feel disgust at what he has done. When we find that a politician has been trying to cut back on funding social programs for the poor, but is caught at embezzling money from the government, we feel disgust. Let's face it: abusive people are disgusting: all of the gaslighting (disgusting), all of the triangulation (disgusting), all of the cheating (disgusting), all of the bullying, threatening, controlling maneuvers and trying to find narcissistic supply (disgusting), all of their erroneous punishments and blaming (disgusting), use of the silent treatment as a weapon (disgusting), feeling so puny and small that they have to insult other people in order to feel validated as a living being (disgusting); indeed it is a potpourri of unhealthy toxic pastimes, that it will leave any one of us who comes into contact with these people feeling sick, either mentally, emotionally or physically. It especially makes us sick because they feel good being abusers, and don't want to change. It reminds me somewhat of Pig-Pen of the Charlie Brown series in that Pig-Pen is oblivious to how he effects others with his cloud of dust. Abuse is right up there with porn movies featuring children. Ew! Just brushing past known toxic people on a street can make you feel sick to your stomach or give you a headache for a few seconds if you are highly tuned to your environment. So let us imagine a boxer that really, really stinks of the worst possible odor imaginable. Imagine all of these following toxic smells exuding from this person: vomit, poop, skunk, rotting garbage, dead animal, stale smoke, next-day alcohol, sulfur, decaying cabbage, and urine. Imagine that it is the strongest odor you have ever come into contact with. You are another boxer in the ring. You can barely stand his stench when you are on the opposite side of the ring. He is so disgusting that you immediately feel sick to your stomach, and then vomit when you have to proceed with the match by getting close to him. The stench is so overwhelming and noxious that you don't want to box. All you want to do is to leave him there in the ring by himself. The fight doesn't seem to matter any more; getting away from him is what really matters.

When you have dealt with enough toxic people, you eventually come to the conclusion that it is best to leave them alone.

The exceptions are these:
Are they causing harm to others?
Do they have access to children?
Are they in your workplace messing with your work, your career and your reputation?
Are they dangerous?

Posts on these 4 concerns will be forthcoming. In the meantime, listen to their projections to see where they stand in terms of these 4 issues.
          
For more information on what is abuse, who instigates abuse, and who tends to be the targets of abusers, go HERE.

further reading:

Why Abusers Who Punish Use the Ungrateful Phrase -- my own post which covers why the phrase is so common among abusers, and why it is often projection

The Surprising Reason You Become Deeply Upset With Your Partner -- discusses projection from the Hearts in Harmony website

a great little video-lecture on projection by Sacha Slone:

a video from Spartan Life Coach, Richard Grannon

(There is one thing he says that many therapists disagree with: that scapegoating and mobbing

one member of the family is common. It is only common in highly abusive families and alcoholic families. Most families do not come under that definition ... the rest of the video is worthwhile):

   

From Tom "Narcissism Survivor" (screen name), a survivor of narcissistic abuse
also talks about projection
(he makes special mention as to why many abusive parents who were sexually abused
as children, do not try to stop their own child from being sexually abused,
or to seek justice via police involvement, arrests and lawsuits --
it is to hurt them in the way they were hurt):

edit on 6/21/16:
This is someone I have been following on You Tube for a long time.
I have seen every video he has ever made. He is the first survivor to go public,
so he is a trailblazer in that regard.
When I announced on twitter about this post (and his video being part of it),
he wrote me back the following (I was so thrilled!):

from SimpleReminders.com:

from healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com: