For Scapegoats of Narcissistic Parents: "I'm being invited back into my family after being estranged, and I'm pretty sure my parents are narcissists. Have they changed? Is this an apology or something else?"

BEFORE I GET TO THE POST
FIRST, AN ANNOUNCEMENT

Before I get to what this post is about, I have an announcement.

I will be continuing my series on shaming, as promised, but during the holidays, I thought that this post and the topic might be more appropriate.

The last three posts in the series on shaming to be published are:

* How Being Exposed to Shaming, Erroneous Blaming, Perspecticide, Gaslighting, and Most of All Fawning, Can Create Narcissism in a Child, Plus a Tease About a Personal Story - that's the title, and the writing is completed. It's a deep dive into this subject. A minor graphic artwork has yet to be made. So, you can look forward to that.  

* A cartoon/illustration that will make a post in the series more understandable

* And another deep dive post into the shame/rage spiral

So you can look forward to that.

Now for this post:

PRELUDE

I was inspired to write this post from a number of sources. The sources are listed below.

Around this time every year, many scapegoats of narcissistic parents are asking the question: "I was thrown out of my family, but after xxxx years, they are inviting me to spend Christmas with them again. What is going on? Have they decided I'm not to blame for all of the things they threw me out of the family for, or are they apologizing for what they have done to me, or is it for something else? And should I find out for sure?" - or some variation of that. 

And invariably people who have had the experience of going back say "Don't do it! It's a trap! This is what happened to me ..." and they tell some horrific tale of abuse by the parent, or a sibling (often siblings don't want you back - they believe it threatens the family resources they feel entitled to), or the whole family starts abusing again, often beginning with an extraordinary amount of chiding and cruel put-downs that they try to cloak as humor at your expense.  

While the tales have their differences, the fact that they were scapegoated again when they rejoined the family is the part of the tale that rarely seems to change, and in the overwhelming number of stories they are scapegoated worse than they were before, often over the most flimsy of reasons and excuses. 

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?

Narcissists grew up in homes with too much blaming, shaming and criticizing. To avoid being targeted, they put fault on others, usually a sibling. If it worked, then they kept using it. Eventually they came to use it most of the time, and lied to keep from being targeted. Sometimes they were targeted regardless. In that case they were more likely to end up as the vulnerable covert kind of narcissist who seems more shy and less grandiose on the surface. If they got away with it time and time again, then they are more likely to be the overt grandiose style of narcissist. 

Once they become narcissistic parents, they put children in roles, usually by the time they are toddlers. All of the roles exist to pay service to, and enhance, the narcissist's ego. Almost all children who grow up with authoritarian narcissistic parents have shattered egos, and some even have a shattered sense of self, even the favorite less abused child, and they all react differently to being gutted. It's understandable why a scapegoat would have a shattered sense of self, but why would less abused children have one too? And the answer is that they developed a false self in order not to be scapegoated themselves (in other words, they acted).

Narcissistic parents punish, reward, play head games, and manipulate to keep you in the role they have assigned you.

The scapegoat role exists because the parent refuses to be accountable for anything that might tarnish their ego and an image they want to present, or that causes delays in their ambition to reach the top in terms of power, control, domination, superiority and an authoritarian role in the family, at work, and in their friendship circles. All of this is pretty common, and self deceptive, because their style of bringing up a family rarely works (the rate of divorce, the rate of cheating, the rate of lying, and the rate of estrangement from children is very high, and they don't have what most families have: mutual support and having each other's back - all of that usually falls apart).
     They don't gain superiority at work either because what they do at work is usually triangulating, constant complaints to the boss about others in the workplace, indulging in false gossip, manipulating bosses and workers to believe in conspiracy theories about workers they feel they are in competition with, and blame-shifting (they most often get fired eventually because their tactics are found out, or they are caught bullying, or stealing from the business, or their work isn't up to par because they are spending too much time throwing co-workers under the bus instead of working).
     They also don't have "real friends" the way most of us have because they engage in lying to friends about what is really happening in their lives, and they are, again, in certain friendships only for ego reasons, or because they think they will gain some sort of superior standing by associating with certain people. 

Likewise, giving a child a scapegoat role is self deceptive too because the child isn't really at fault for everything the parent wants them to be at fault for, of course. They may not be at fault for anything, no matter how hard the parent tries to put the fault on them, no matter how much gaslighting they do, no matter how many punishments there are and how severe they try to make the punishments, no matter how much hatred the parent throws at the child, no matter how many smear campaigns they run trying to get others to believe they have an all-of-the-time, all-at-fault child, because the parent isn't dealing with reality, and it isn't moral or ethical. They are just replaying their childhood family script. Someone in the family usually knows what the truth is anyway, especially siblings, though because the parent is exerting so much pressure, power and threats, the other children may never say anything because they are trauma-bonded, too threatened by the specter of becoming a scapegoat themselves. In order to keep that threat away from themselves, they too are likely to attribute anything they do that is "bad" to the same scapegoat child the parent is using. So then it can become a situation of family bullying. 

Because children who are given the scapegoat role have a difficult time not defending themselves when falsely accused of events that either did not happen, or did not happen the way the parent thought they did, they are likely to react strongly to being falsely accused. Defending yourself when wronged is very normal, and under these kinds of circumstances it is especially normal. And if you are a scapegoat, you know the drill when you react to being falsely accused: they will call you crazy for reacting or defending yourself, or tell you in some way or another that your reactions aren't appropriate or normal - the gaslighting starts, and it never ends over fantasy events and fantasy faults they try to saddle you with.

They'll often spend their entire lives punishing you if they fail to correct your perceptions, wearing you down, until you give in. If you don't give in, you are punished again, or banished. If you give in to get the issue off your back and to stop the coercion, you are a martyr and a liar. Then you are likely to be rewarded for being a liar by your parent, which causes all kinds of issues, both with the parent (lying under duress), people in the family who know you are lying to make the narcissist happy, and who begin to lie for their own outcomes. While the parent may be happy that you lied, and tried to please them, your own physical, emotional and ethical well being takes a huge hit.  

Most scapegoats of narcissistic families are banished at one time or another, or several times from their family. In fact, I'd bet that most children and adult children who are banished or estranged from their parents, and who haven't been charged with a crime or crimes, and who aren't going to rehabs over and over again, are scapegoats of narcissistic families. Alcoholic families have their scapegoats too, but there isn't the same kind of on-going consistency of hatred, attacks and never-ending fault finding that there are towards scapegoats of narcissists. The hate will deepen and become full of conspiracy theories when narcissists practice scapegoating.  

Scapegoating also happens because narcissistic parents tend to be full of rage, jealousy and resentment, and they have to take it out on someone. Why? Because they aren't as high on the superiority ladder as they would like, ever, and I mean ever. They want to be so high to the point where everyone takes their orders and advice without question, all of the time, under any circumstance. It boils down to this: narcissistic parents want their children to cater to demands, all of the time, and children who aren't caterers to every demand aren't of much use to them, and the child gets the cold shoulder and is neglected.  

They don't look into why some children might not want to cater, or why those children might feel resistant to catering, or why a child might be defending themselves. The parent just gets into the habit of abusing, punishing and rejecting children who don't cater, which increases the chances that the child won't cater past childhood because the science on this says that the abuse, punishing and rejecting caused them to distrust the parent and the parent's intentions towards them. 

Scapegoating and benevolence are total opposites. And, as I've said before, awards are not benevolent actions in narcissistic families - they are a manipulation to keep a child in role, and are most often accompanied by punishments, coercion, hounding to submit, and other actions that don't work long term.

Do most narcissistic parents know the science on why scapegoat children don't become reliable sycophants? Not likely. Do they care about this fact? Not a bit unless they feel it might ruin their reputation, or create adverse outcomes in their illusory climb to superiority. 

They manipulate children to fit into these roles too. While some of it is based on personality, a lot of it is not. Usually they pick the more bootlicking child to be the golden child, and the more resistant-to-control to be the scapegoat, although family prejudices and proclivities play the biggest role in who gets scapegoated. Note: roles are usually decided when children are mere toddlers, so the personalities can change and the narcissist won't notice. They've decided who is who and what is what at a very early stage when the child is pre-verbal where the narcissistic parent feels entitled to fill in the gap as to what the child is feeling, when the personality is unsure and fluctuating, when day to day behaviors with toddlers are at their most unreliable in terms of being a predictor of future behavior. 

But don't narcissists change, and see the error of their ways in how they treat others? I mean, how can they justify this forever? Isn't that why I'm being asked to return to the family fold, and especially at Christmas, which is supposed to be a time of peace and making up?

Couldn't it ever be because they have seen the light?

CAN NARCISSISTIC PARENTS CHANGE,
AND WON'T THEY WANT TO STOP THE SCAPEGOATING AT SOME POINT,
KNOWING THAT IT ISN'T PARTICULARLY WORKING?

The answer to this question, is that narcissists can change, but do they really want to?

There are several roadblocks to change and the things I have mentioned are that they feel they need a scapegoat - to take the blame off of themselves, to give themselves the sense that they are never at fault for anything, to give themselves the vision of superiority, and to silence any and all members who aren't giving them that, and who are complaining that the narcissistic parent is cruel, unjust, abusive, and won't listen. If the parent has full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they are highly likely to rage about any tiny thing that is not an ego stroke, where they feel they might be slighted or criticized, or where they might be called on to work out issues in the way most people do. They sit on their imaginary throne and wait for others to change and work out issues in their favor. When they don't get that, they rage. And rage, as we know, can turn into abuse and estrangement.

If they aren't willing to take any responsibility in their dealings with others, and they aren't sorry for scapegoating you and putting fault on you when it didn't belong there, then they probably only want you back to scapegoat you again, as there are many instances of shame they feel they cannot deal with without having a scapegoat to blame-shift it all on to.  

The reason why it might take years to invite you back is that they have probably been getting some satisfaction either by scapegoating someone else, or scapegoating you by proxy through false complaints, false gossip, telling others that you are "no good", smear campaigns, trying to bait you or "get your goat". If they scapegoat-by-proxy, most people around them get tired of this. Narcissists tend to be obsessed with hurting grown children they cannot control or manipulate, and people also grow more and more suspect when narcissists show they have contempt for their own child.

For most parents, raising children is about benevolence, self sacrifice, of insisting on the truth, of honest and sometimes herculean efforts to be emotionally regulated, of caring about their children's feelings and emotional health at all stages of life, of being fair even when they might be angry at a child, of being ethical and teaching ethics to their children. Narcissistic families don't raise children this way at all, quite the opposite, and they don't want to change the script because they feel they must scapegoat all of their parental failings on to one child, and sometimes their partner too.

"The reason I wasn't a good parent was because of my child" is the general message.  

So when they say goodbye to you and then decide they want you back for a big holiday event, if they can't take responsibility for what they have done, and they can't take responsibility for the way they have hurt you, is it worth it? Sometimes the invite is about trapping you, and abusing you until you give into them. Sometimes it might be an issue where they only have one child left, and they feel they can't risk losing that child too. And they know themselves enough to realize that disappointment is inevitable with that child too (children are actually not very good sources of narcissistic supply no matter what they do and how they act). Plus narcissists are never truly happy because they focus their attention on getting rewards predominantly. 

Disappointments can end up where they impulsively scapegoat, even when they don't want to. So both the parent and the only child left with a parent have a lot to lose without the original scapegoat present. However, the reasons behind wanting you back can be myriad. But more often than not (from reading forums from survivors) they try to get you back because they feel they need you in your old scapegoat role. 

Which is to say that they are not likely to change, even if they say they have changed, but there are also ways to tell if they have changed. I invite you to read on, as there are some definite signs to look for if you are wondering if they have truly changed, or if they are faking at changing: 

One of the most iron-clad ways that you can tell if they just want you in your old scapegoat role is if they show signs of contempt. The research on this originally came from John Gottman (another link), and many psychologists since him have run many experiments to discover that he was right.

I have also been doing some research on the psychology of hate, prejudice and resentment myself, and if a person is committed to hating and resenting certain individuals, or groups of people, and they have strong antagonistic traits like narcissism, they tend to get worse (spiraling down into more hatred and resentment) to the point where their hate becomes totally irrational, paranoid, and delusional. There is no more cognition applied in whether their stance on hating you is the right way for them to proceed. The hate becomes more visceral, automatic, impulsive and compulsive. 

In terms of hating their own child, there is also research that confirms that too much power can lead to more anti-social traits, including violence and corruption. Authoritarian types of power also block empathetic feelings  (another link, another link, another link and another link). This especially becomes an issue with narcissistic parents because they are obsessed with getting more power, control and domination no matter how old you are, no matter how many grandchildren you have, no matter how much power the narcissistic parent already has.

Children who have become full adults don't need to be controlled or dominated on any level. The expectation that the older you get you are expected to give more and more control and power over to your parent is absolutely crazy-making! 

On empathy ... They are already so low on empathy. Do we want to give them more power so that they can become even more unempathetic, and more sadistic (sadism being the opposite of empathy)?

Narcissists tend to be put out by children and adult children who need empathy too. Narcissists also tend to scoff at children and adults who have been traumatized. They are very much into blaming victims and viewing them as weak and incompetent (another link). One form of this kind of thinking goes like this: "If you had been smarter, you would never have been disabled when the bomb fell on your town. You would have realized that you should have left the area long before the war started." What this means is that narcissists bypass empathy by telling you what you should have done, and what they would have done, competing with you about how their strategic mind is superior to your reactive mind, making it into a diatribe of "the intelligence it takes not to get hurt."

When we need empathy, this is just cold hearted. 

Narcissism is also often comorbid with Paranoid Personality Disorder. But even when narcissists don't have the extra personality disorder, hatred and contempt can lead them to be paranoid, with a desire to hurt others or to get rid of them, to relieve themselves of the paranoia they feel, especially in regards to their image and the reputation they are trying to build. In addition, narcissists also look for reassuring signs that they have a right to hate and hurt others, and that is where prejudice comes in: based on sex, sexual orientation, race, cultural differences and political differences, mainly, and things like the disenfranchised, the poor, the minorities, the elderly, the over-weight and the disabled secondarily. In other words, they will tend to think, "See? I was always right to hate this person, and to treat them badly." 

This happens even when it is built on the flimsiest "evidence": their own beliefs, their thoughts about what other people's thoughts are, assumptions, what they want to believe, fantasy perspectives,  convenience (targeting "powerless" targets), cultural or biological differences, and so on. 

And one of the things we find that helps them come to the conclusion that they should be committed to hating, hurting and being contemptuous in such a strong way, if not a powerful way, is that they become as equally committed to criticism. Because they tend to only want to find fault outside themselves, they decide that being highly critical and judgmental is necessary to prop up their own insecure ego, to gain power and control, to gain prominence, to get attention.

For adult children of narcissists:

The surest way to tell if they haven't changed, and want you back as their scapegoat is if they show signs of both contempt and criticism. It often manifests in these ways:

Unsolicited advice is criticism. 

Condescension, which can be constant, shows contempt. 

Rage over what you have to say about being hurt by them is a form of contempt and criticism. 

Verbal abuse is definitely a form of criticism. 

Other signs of contempt are listed below in the next section. 

HOW DID THEY GET THIS WAY
AND CAN YOU DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT? 

I have talked about how they probably used blame-shifting as a child, but what I did not mention was that narcissists tend to grow up in environments where extrinsic values greatly trumped intrinsic values when it came to other people, so they will base worth on another person much more in terms of extrinsic values than intrinsic values. And those extrinsic values tend to be money, wealth and prestige, and have to match what they expect from the people who have these extrinsic qualities. 

The problem for narcissists is that they have decided that showing and displaying contempt is one of the ways that they feel superior (superiority is delusional thinking, but to them it only matters that they "feel" superior). In other words, they feel they must be critical and judgmental of others a whole lot in order to feel better about themselves. Usually contempt, criticisms, and being judgmental are signs of insecurity, that they are afraid they will find themselves on the outside of acceptability instead of inside acceptability. In a way, it is like passing the buck, where the more insecure they feel about acceptability, the more critical and judgmental they become, and this also fuels the demise of what ever empathy they used to have for others (usually empathy begins its wane in early childhood). In fact, it has everything to do with why they lack empathy. 

I'll explain:

When they are contemptuous, and cruel, and parental figures are laughing about people a lot (trash-talking), and when they are building their hate on assumptions, and lack of empathy, it actually turns the most intelligent of us off, rather than turns us on. It's not enlightening; it's not pleasant; and it doesn't actually convince a lot of us that they are superior, the goal they have in acting this way. 

In more powerless individuals, like children, hyper-critical behavior tends to produce anxiety at the very least, or a trauma bond at worst. If it produces fawning and ingratiating, realize that the fawning response is a trauma response.

If a person is fawning totally voluntarily, without fear or anxiety, or from being pressured, it is different than fawning over being intimidated, bullied, threatened or coerced into it. Fawning is actually the response of last resort when it comes to trauma responses, and it creates situations and outcomes that the narcissist doesn't like (which I will discuss in a future post).

If scapegoats aren't using trauma responses like defending themselves, or fawning, they can blank out when being criticized. I think the artwork I did in this piece explains how a scapegoat child can feel overwhelmed by criticism, so his mind shuts down. He might feel incredibly hurt as the art work shows, but cognitively he can't comprehend the hate unless he hates himself as much as the parent does. And some children get talked into hating themselves, and they can and do commit suicide over it too.

If you are a scapegoat, you know that the criticisms can overwhelm your entire autonomic nervous system because the criticisms from narcissists are often on all levels: your body, your mind, your interests, your personality, your emotions, your thinking, your perspectives, your experiences, the way you express yourself, the clothes you wear, the way you present yourself in public, how well you perform expectations, your sex, how much flattery you give narcissists - just about everything that you are, do and say, is met with criticism and contempt. When a child who is being criticized is blanking out and has that wide-eyed deer-in-the-headlights stare, they most likely have C-PTSD, and it is time to stop the contempt. But narcissists don't do that; they find him or her useless for not hearing anything, and continue to throw more criticism at the child for not responding to the original criticisms. Eventually when narcissists only get a PTSD stare, they neglect the child when underage, or banish when adult. 

At any rate, to insist that children fawn to abuse is to damn them to be in a prison of continued traumatization, whether that is conscious on the narcissist's part or not. Most narcissists are conscious enough to know that their scapegoat is hurt, grieving, and in pain, and that lots of pressure and bullying to "make them fawn" causes him or her a lot of anxiety. 

If I was betting, I would bet that narcissists know that they traumatize their children, otherwise why put on acts in public that they adore their children and care about them when they do not? Why spread lies and make up stories about their scapegoated children? 

HOW NARCISSISTIC CONTEMPT IS EXPRESSED 

I have already pointed out criticism. Usually scapegoated children are criticized in the extreme. Most narcissists criticize their scapegoats directly, and the remaining ones criticize their scapegoats behind their backs in a two-faced kind of way. All of it is destructive, and it is also part of the personality disorder of narcissism.

Any kind of destructive behavior towards their child's self esteem means contempt, that they don't like and love you the way that you are. Again, they only put extrinsic value in other people, whereas the rest of us put intrinsic value in others (it is why the rest of us take care of disadvantaged, disabled family members - narcissists would balk at doing that, and try to get the disadvantaged and disabled serving them instead, or they would just throw them away). 

A narcissistic parent will try to make the argument that a scapegoat child doesn't act right; that they don't dress right; that they don't look right; that they are too fat or skinny; that they are psychologically inept or damaged; that they are emotionally insane; that they are inept in terms of career and career goals. That's all part of what narcissists are up to, and what they do, and if you are a scapegoat, you are very aware that you've been treated this way most of your life. 

If you have been successful in love and career, and if they extend an invite, consider that the reason for it might be that they don't want you to be successful, that it will "ruin" their plans for you being the family scapegoat, and "ruin" what they have said about you, and therefor "ruin" the perception others have of you of being crazy or inept. Success mars their abilities to scapegoat effectively.

These are other ways they show contempt:

They get on their high horse and compare you to them (it sounds and is similar to what I've said in the previous chapter above, except it is about comparing themselves to you).
     What it can sound initially like:
"You can't say anything right",  "You can't do anything right", "Your mind and feelings are all wrong",  "You're too sensitive",  "You're crazy",  "I can't stand you", "You can't even dress right", "You'll never amount to anything", followed by: "I never had bad grades like you", "I had a lot more boyfriends at your age than you do", "I was always loved by my parents. It's too bad you aren't", "I never had zits. It's too bad you have so many of them", "I never was overweight, but you've spent most of your life being that way", "I was always well behaved. It's too bad you aren't good at it the way I was because you'd be a lot more liked if you did", "You have ratty hair. When I as a child, I never did and as a consequence, I could decide when I could get my hair cut, but you can't, so I'm going to cut your hair whether you like it or not", "I won so many awards! What have you won?", and so on. They will always deem a scapegoat to be quite a bit inferior to themselves, and even to almost everyone they know.

They also show contempt by comparing you to your siblings and other children, starting when you were very young.
     What it can sound like:
      "How come you can't do as well as Carl? Why can't you be as nice as Carl? I love Carl more than you, and I always have. I'm sorry I favor Carl, but he's a lot better at everything than you are. Carl was an easy child, and you were always difficult. Carl always knew I had his best interests at heart, but you always had to question it. Carl has always trusted me, but of course, he knows I'm trustworthy. He was always the sane one in the family, but your mind was always too messed up to realize I was always a model parent. What's wrong with you!?" - in fact, if they are still playing favorites with their children, and they are comparing you unfavorably, they still want to scapegoat you. 

Any gaslighting is the sign that they have contempt for the way you perceive things. Gaslighting is usually a sign of scapegoating. They want to dictate how you think, and what you should be thinking about and perceiving instead. It shows that they have no respect for the way that you think, or the way you experience things. It's also a nasty mind game. If gaslighting doesn't show a lot of contempt, I don't know what does.

If and when a family member insults you, abuses you, or assaults you, and they tell you that they don't want to hear it, or that you should deal with it on your own and in silence, it is a sign that they don't care about you. Narcissists generally discard scapegoats who complain about a family member's abuse and violence because they are afraid it will tarnish their image as the most superior upstanding parent. So the scapegoating becomes a must for them, more severe, more about portraying you as a villain.

If they advocate for your abuser and do not try to protect you, they probably prefer that others use you as a scapegoat too. Very few scapegoating parents protect their scapegoat child from any kind or form of abuse, because it would mean looking too carefully in the mirror at their own abuse. 

Another way they show contempt is that they eventually, after decades of scapegoating, disregard all of your feelings, thoughts, life issues, medical issues, and generally do not care to hear what you think at all, or how anything effects you. They do not show any respect towards you. When it gets to these extremes, they do not listen to what you have to say about much of anything. In other words, you will feel like you are talking to a brick wall. It can get to the point where they don't respect your boundaries, what you want and don't want from them (which can lead to invasive actions against you to prove they won't respect your boundaries regardless of what you want, like stealing, stalking, talking over you, pushing you around, kidnapping, imprisoning, physical abuse, home invasion, kidnapping, and so on). Usually when the contempt gets to the point of breaking boundaries and breaking the law, they have entered into a more anti-social personality disordered way of scapegoating (as I talked about above, where their power has caused such a degree of a lack of empathy, they can get to a point of justifying committing crimes against you). Once it has gotten to the point where they are indulging in criminal behavior, whether they still want to scapegoat you or not, should probably not concern you as much as your safety. 

the attitudes of contempt:

They have no interest in understanding you. They decide you are inferior, a second class citizen, and that they don't need to know you.

They feel they deserve good treatment from you (respect, honor, civility, praise), but don't treat you, their scapegoat child, this way by a long shot. In fact, they have the attitude that they deserve these entitlements/hypocrisies from all children, without realizing that showing a child respect, honor and civility is a more teachable moment than rattling off a bunch of rules that they cannot, and will not, follow themselves. It makes situations fake, and phony, where some children will adopt a "false self", including "fake-fawning" to narcissists and other people who they deem to have more power than they do, and talking derisively behind their back. 

They blame you in entirety for their hatred and anger towards you (we see this a lot in the prejudiced mind too).

They decide they don't need to invest in anything you want, or feel, or think (they come to believe that only their own thoughts, perspectives, and feelings are all that matter because to them, and it is all that matters to them most of the time). 

Lack of civility is always a sign of contempt. 

So is verbal abuse.

CONCLUSION

If they still want power, control and domination, they will probably still be scapegoating you.

If they can't take any blame, or they are trying to shift fault on to others, or they are engaging in talk about the faults and flaws of others, they are showing that they still need scapegoats.  

If they show a lot of contempt (even if it isn't you right away), they are still engaged in their "superior" fantasies, and blame-shifting and scapegoating is all part of it. 

Narcissists have tremendous hurdles in giving up scapegoating.

They would have to stop gaslighting, first and foremost, and they would have to stop being contemptuous of others (i.e. stop the trash-talking).

They would have to grow some ethics and empathy, and what chance is there of that?

They would also have to apologize for once in their lives instead of expecting others to do it every time there are issues, and what chance is there of that?

And they'd have to share the power instead of hoarding it all for themselves and telling people what to do and where to get off if others don't do what the narcissist wants, and what chance is there of that?

If you are tired of all of the narcissist's power games, and lust for power, and their manipulations to get more and more power, and trying to get them to talk to you in a respectful manner while they commit to threats and blackmail to get more power over you while trying to make you more and more powerless at the same time, even when it comes to your decisions about your own life, career, and relationships, then don't give them any more power. Be one of the individuals that cuts their destructive-to-everyone ambition off.

The reason they don't apologize is because not only do they not care about your feelings, they see apologies as weakness. For them it sets them back into not being the most superior faultless person on earth, and they feel they may be more vulnerable to being looked at as the same kind of faulty person that they make fun of. Remember, they've lied their entire lives, starting in childhood, keeping the faults going outward away from them, dumping them on to someone else, instead of inward.

In fact it is such a huge hurdle that they would have to give up on narcissism altogether, and be compromising and reasonable, and what chance is there of that?  

All of this is why psychologists prefer that their patients have as little to do with narcissists as is humanly possible, and especially if you are their scapegoat and have trauma symptoms or full blown PTSD. If it's obvious that they don't care about you emotionally and medically, or want to help you with your PTSD instead of making it worse, what does that say about them?  

WHO INSPIRED ME TO WRITE THIS POST

John Gottman's findings and research on contempt and how it effects the hater as well as the hated is probably the most profound inspiration for writing this post second to the many survivors who wonder if they should return to their parents after years of estrangement and a childhood as a scapegoat. 

Dr. Les Carter's video, The Sign That a Narcissist is Beyond Redemption says a lot of the same things I have said here. He also mentions John Gottman. 

My own research into the psychology of hate, prejudice and resentment played a big part in this post too, as well as research into how power corrupts and reduces empathy, sometimes to the point that they become antisocial personality disordered. There is a great piece you can read from PBS called The science behind why power corrupts and what can be done to mitigate it. It is an interview with Dacher Keltner and his research for his book called "The Power Paradox: How We Gain and Lose Influence" and it reveals these details:

Shoplifting is usually done by the wealthiest Americans, not the poorest. When given too much power, people become more unethical and think it is okay to be unethical. People with more power than those around them are more likely to stereotype. People with more power than those around them tend to stop caring about others. People with more power than those around them tend to try to broker deals that benefit them much more than the other person. People with more power than those around them tend to become much more greedy, unfair and to take a lot more resources from others than is respectful, right or fair. People with more power than those around them tend to be more exploitive. People with more power than those around them assume they can touch people any way they want without asking permission. Undoubtedly there is a lot more to explore in the actual book than in the PBS article, but the article gives you some idea of what is discussed in the book.

It also seems to explain so much about why our society seems to be getting more and more swamped by narcissistic "I-don't-care" unempathetic parenting styles and the kids who parrot them, why we seem to have approached another Gilded Age of wealth disparity where the have-nots are rarely listened to, or heard, or cared about, until it is time to vote again where politicians make the next future faking statements.

And it explains something that I had wondered about for a long time: someone who was quite wealthy in my own personal life got obsessed with stealing, hiding things, hoarding, taking way more than their fair share, and probably even breaking the law to do it. They were totally negotiation adverse too - they would just take and get "dupers delight", and a following high from it. Until I studied Antisocial Personality Disorder, and knew about the psychological impacts of gaining power over others, it made very little sense to me. 

I will have some more research articles to share with you in the post entitled "How Being Exposed to Shaming, Erroneous Blaming, Perspecticide, Gaslighting, and Most of All Fawning, Can Create Narcissism in a Child, Plus a Tease About a Personal Story". It would be redundant to list them here. 

Have a happy holiday, and don't let narcissists ruin it.