A Short Update

Hi everyone who has been reading my blog,

First:

For those of you wondering if I will be covering Borderline Personality Disorder as part of my discussions on the subject of abuse and manipulation, yes, but please understand that many Borderlines are not abusive or manipulative and can be more self harming, and suffering though life instead. Some of them have very little to nothing in common with the more aggressive styles of Cluster B personality disorders; others have more in common with them.

Some of this has to do with the fact that there are several sub-types of Borderline Personality Disorder. It's a complicated subject because of the sub-categories, and especially because Borderline Personality Disorder can be comorbid with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, substance addiction, and more. In other words, the subcategories and comorbidities make discussions about Borderline Personality Disorder complicated, and one individual diagnosed with it can be drastically different from another diagnosed with it.

The behaviors are not as predictable as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, for instance.  

I've been nudged about covering it, and so I will make an effort at starting the project sometime in the Autumn because I've got posts in the works that I would prefer to finish and publish.  

Second:

I will also be covering alcoholism when it comes to aggression.

Also the role of guns in domestic violence.  

Some upcoming posts that play a huge role in narcissism:

- How envy, jealousy and competitiveness are often an over-looked cause of narcissistic abuse, grandiosity, and why narcissists try to break apart your relationships 

- Sadism as a negative form of narcissistic supply, plus a little on why jealousy plays a part in it. 

- How over-reactive rage with shame can cause a downward moral spiral in narcissistic abuse. 

There will also be some shorter posts having to do with narcissistic abuse: co-bullies and enablers of narcissists; the tricks narcissists use to lure you into a cycle of abuse with them again; how narcissists try to get you into a role where you are seeking approval; arrogance and grandiosity in narcissism; and common things narcissists do to upset you.

I was working on a post having to do with estrangement in the family last summer, but discovered it was much too long, so I dropped it for the time being in favor of the other three subjects I talked about above. 

Third:

I have been jotting down notes on research having to do with relationship trends in the newest generation attending college. For the first time in history, a majority of college students are saying that they feel just as comfortable alone, if even more so, than in any kind of relationship. They are being brought up to succeed at a career and there is very little emphasis in childhood and adolescence on interconnectedness and relationship-building with others, making friends, establishing trust bonds, solving conflicts, having family get-togethers, and how to address the feelings of others. There is other research that many of them feel safer alone than with their families. One wonders what is going on there. Older generations who are part of these research projects often say they are at a loss as to how to relate to the younger generation, how to re-establish lost connections (and even contact) with children and other young family members, and that the younger generation feels it is less important to establish connections and re-connections compared to setting good boundaries in relationships.

It is surmised that this is all caused by a growing narcissistic culture as almost all psychologists agree that narcissism is on the rise in America.  

I'm also exploring other cultural topics.  

This is just to keep my readers up to date on what my intentions are and what I am working on.  

abuse means never having to say you're sorry

name of artwork: Abuse Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry
© 2014 by Lise Winne
(for inquiries regarding licensing this image contact LilacGroveGraphics ((att)) yahoo.com)

Have you ever felt that "Dr. Jeckyl/ Mr. Hyde" is living within someone? Especially someone who is abusive? Have you ever wondered what abuse is and if you're really being abused (especially if you aren't being hit)?

I found this article by Tamara Star to explain it best. In it she says, "controlling behaviors, shaming, refusing to listen, talking over you, blaming, emotional abuse, yelling, lying, neglecting ... intimidation and psychological manipulation are all examples of abuse."

My relationship with Johnny (the impetus for starting this blog) was all about the above. I never got any kind of break from it, ever. You can read my particular story HERE (for the in-depth version). It was also about:

- walking on eggshells

- keeping quiet to keep the peace (because anything could set him off)

- not speaking my mind to keep the peace (again because anything could set him off)

- trying to repair arguments only to be talked over, intimidated, belittled, lectured and screamed at
- allowing his hypocrisy, taunting, lack of fairness and heartlessness to flourish without comment in our relationship because I accepted too easily that his morality and integrity were hopelessly lost 
- forgiving and justifying his bad behaviors which only made the behaviors worse in him
- feeling relieved when he finally screamed that he hated me because it meant that I didn't have to be invested in whether I meant anything to him and that I could quit trying to appease or fix our relationship (he said it when I finally confronted him about his drinking) 

His drinking intensified all of the above, of course, i.e. the more he drank the worse his behaviors got. Since he started drinking between 9:30 and 10:00 every morning, I never got any relief. His drinking also made him paranoid and see provocations and conspiracies where there weren't any. His irritability knew no bounds (nor did his venting over a singular insignificant occurrence for hours on end).

I never got to the point where I lost my self esteem or started to question my worth though. He tried very hard, it seemed to me, but perhaps I've lived too long and have already experienced unconditional love and approval from people I respect so as not to need his love, admiration or approvals. I could also endure long, extreme bouts of "the silent treatment" because I am used to keeping company with myself and my work. But, I could see how even I could lose my self esteem after awhile if I had to endure years of it. I was extremely lucky to finally be out of this situation with him. Not everyone can be so lucky, particularly children.

At Alanon we learn that dealing with alcoholics is too much to bear alone, without the support of others. In fact, it seems to me to be impossible. I can see that an alcoholic who is in a continual state of irritation and rage (common) and where communication is always abusive (can be common in alcoholics who want power and control over others) could totally break another human being, destroy them. So many newbies come to Alanon looking so totally ravaged and dejected as to look gravely ill. It's not uncommon to have a triple whammy of psychological symptoms all at once: severe PTSD, suicidal thoughts and depression. The stomach is the first place where illness seems to manifest.

Ever since I have been active in this cause I have noticed that most people cannot live with angry alcoholics. The non-alcoholic may feel committed for awhile, but at some point it becomes too much and they make a break for it. Sometimes the angry alcoholic turns into the dysfunctional drunk who can't work and whose liver is giving out. Then it's not so likely that the alcoholic will be abandoned, but that is only because they entered another phase of the disease quickly before the victim could plan to leave.

As for the blog/article I opened this post about?
I left a comment on it and Tamara Star responded! My comment and her response below:

Lise: One added difference and dimension if the person is an *abusive alcoholic* is that the alcoholic often sees provocations and conspiracies when there aren’t any. Such a bad combo in addition to all you have stated above. And so awful for the people around them!

Worth exploring?

Tamara: Hi Lisa,

It’s a lethal combo, especially when combined with someone that refuses to get help ie: AA
Hoping whomever it is involved in this situation is getting the support they need to either be strong and hold tight as the person goes through AA, or to find the strength to walk away.

Jenny the Teetotaler with Alcoholics

how drinkers view Jenny, the teetotaler

how Jenny, the teetotaler, views the drinkers

© 2013 (artworks by Lise Winne)

(for inquiries regarding licensing these images contact LilacGroveGraphics ((att)) yahoo.com)

This is my latest cartoon (I finished drawing it last night). My partner asked why Jenny, the teetotaler, had a dark spike over her head in the second picture. My answer was because some alcoholics are angry (and can become belligerent or even violent over the slightest nuance -- from hearing stories at Alanon). Thus, there is no way for Jenny to feel "at home" in this situation!

Note: I realize that alcoholism is a disease and that it is very easy to become addicted, especially if you drink every day. I know it can creep up on the most disciplined among us. So, this cartoon is not about "judging" even though both sides here have "judgmental thoughts"; it is about perceptions, and "feeling out of league" and "feeling like you don't belong".

I think this kind of scene is more typical than most people are willing to admit. 

Here are some close-ups of the drinkers (note: Jenny didn't change much, so she is not represented here):

I draw to speak out.