Don't Narcissists Care About Hurting You?

 

"Mom Does Not Love. The Things Not Said"

Do narcissists care about hurting you? No. 

Is the reason why narcissists don't care about hurting you have to do with their lack of empathy? Yes.

Is the reason why narcissists dont care about hurting you have to do with their inability to form deep connections and sometimes prioritize your feelings over theirs? Yes.

Is the reason for narcissists' inability to have empathy for you have to do with atrophied parts of the brain, particularly the anterior insula and prefrontal cortex? Yes. 

When you feel distressed, do narcissists interpret your feelings as a nuisance for them? Yes (or a burden, an imposition, or inconvenience). What this link reveals is that your distress fails to trigger a comforting response from them, so you often feel alone with your feelings, that they aren't important to the narcissist. 

   What this link also reveals is that they can also respond with anger or invalidation to your pain. Common responses are also dismissal and minimization, blame and playing the victim so that your attention reverts to them. 

Do narcissists sometimes punish you for feeling hurt? Yes. Reasons why include feeling they are being criticized (narcissists are typically emotionally highly dysregulated, often with rage and indignation, when they feel they are being criticized resulting in narcissistic injury), a feeling that they are losing control of what you do, what you say and how you express yourself which can also trigger narcissistic rage in them, especially if they feel it is hurting their ego or challenging their superiority or ego-inflated narrative, and if you feel hurt because of something they did (because narcissists refuse to be held accountable for anything). 

What are types of punishments narcissists indulge in when you are feeling hurt by them? From the link: they escalate hurting you more as opposed to comforting you. They often stonewall or give you the silent treatment. They often gaslight and then blame-shift. They withold affection. They guilt-trip. They bait you to try to get you to react with anger or shame so that they can call you "the problem". 

What are types of punishments that malignant narcissists indulge in when you are feeling hurt by them? From the link: They often escalate abuse to regain dominance. They do the same kinds of things run-of-the-mill narcissists do, but they tend to be much more destructive, weaponizing everything they think they can, to get you to stop talking about being hurt by them. Escalating rage is common and dangerous in the hands of malignant narcissists.  

Do narcissists ever do double-takes later in terms of abusing you because you felt hurt by them? No. From the link: They are not capable of it because they do not make a point of being perceptive of your perspectives and why you might feel the way you do, plus they don't want to consider it because they find remorse and double takes as a weakness which would compromise their feelings of superiority. 

When you feel you can no longer tell a narcissist how you feel, working out resolutions is not possible. What that link reveals: meaningful dialogue about how you feel requires respect from the other person, and narcissists do not respect people who are hurt by them - they will not consider their own accountability, or any form of perspective-taking to understand where you are coming from. You will get blame-shifting, lack of empathy, and a competition where the narcissist will make it clear that they have to win at controlling you and controlling the narrative, and that your being hurt by them is trying to control them to feel guilt, and a "flawed perspective" of their intentions, the former being another "gaslighting attempt". 

Do narcissists understand that they hurt others, even egregiously? Yes, but they just don't care, and they refuse to react to the harm they cause in a way that is helpful or healing. From the link: they justify hurting you. They put up defenses right away, failing to recognize or verbalize any harm they have caused you. They minimize the impact. They often tell you that you are "over-reacting" or are "too sensitive" or that "your perceptions are flawed" (a type of gaslighting). They may rewrite the narrative and blame you for being hurt by their actions. Some narcissists pretend at feeling remorse to hoover you back or to get you from leaving, but most often they don't mean it. In fact, they refuse to feel any remorse if they feel they can get away with it, and instead of feeling remorse, they may escalate abusing you if they think you are trying to make them accountable. "You need to be punished", "the consequences are --" and naming something that will hurt you, threats to take something from you, would be signs, but that tends to be a malignant narcissist's or sociopath's way as run-of-the-mill narcissists are more careful not to label their punishments, threats, consequences, retaliations, abuses, rages, smear campaigns, discards and silent treatments as punishments, or desires to hurt you, so that they can deny they punished you or tried to hurt you at all if they want you back in the future - it is the ultimate gaslighting and hoovering trick: "Why would you ever think I'd want to punish you or hurt you!? Who do you think I am? You must be crazy to think that!"
   They have little to no capacity to respond in a healthy manner to you being hurt by them, and eventually discussing how they treat you becomes unproductive, if not dangerous for you.  What that link reveals: you are never likely to get an apology and any abuse, punishment or retaliation that you are receiving as it relates to them hurting you is likely to escalate. 

How do covert vulnerable narcissists act when you tell them they hurt you? What this link reveals: Covert vulnerable narcissists overreact to criticism to the point where even mild constructive feedback is perceived as a "humiliating, ego-shattering attack". They can also perceive a criticism as an "absolute rejection." However, most people don't know this because narcissists feel so free to criticize others. 
   How they deal with criticism is different from the way grandiose overt narcissists operate. So it becomes impossible to talk to covert vulnerable narcissists about the slightest hurt or issue you've received from them without severe consequences. Some of those consequences include the DARVO tactic, passive aggressive consequences like the silent treatment, deliberately feigning forgetfulness that it's your birthday or other holiday event, or deliberately slacking on promises they made to you, feigned helplessness, feigned victimhood to avoid accountability, guilt-tripping, trying to make you totally responsible for their moods, the attacks they perpetrate, and their well-being.
   Covert vulnerable narcissists operate from a victim mentality, and the more covert narcissists hurt you, the more they play the victim. This manipulation is to get you serving them, just as it is with all narcissists.
   The manipulation tends to work remarkably well, especially since most people are likely to get into "a rescue mode" and are empathetic. However, it does not work long term, especially as you begin to realize they use the victim card any time you have an issue with their behavior. It becomes more like "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" (seeing the manipulation behind claiming they are a victim). 
   However, they actually really do feel victimized in the moment when you have trouble with their behavior or put boundaries in place, however if they are highly critical of others, they don't believe they are doing any damage to the other person - or they believe it is justified, a pre-emptive self protection, or a justified retaliation for any resistance you may have to their control. 
   With malignant vulnerable narcissism, there tends to be a marked bully-victim cycle as well as a more sudden shift from "nice" to "punishing", from calm to blinding rage, more sadistic consequences for the slightest sense that you may be criticizing them or putting up a boundary, quite a bit more projection (blaming you for all of the sins they commit), and since many of them are violent, they can go from being violent towards you to victim stances ("Why don't you help me?", "Why don't you care about me?"). Malignant vulnerable narcissists can be dangerous.
   It can be hard to tell the difference between vulnerable narcissism from malignant vulnerable narcissism because they both act covertly, but the differences are spelled out HERE. The main way to tell the difference is that there is an element of cruelty, sadism and a definite punishing retaliatory mindset to the malignant type. At any rate, it can be exhausting trying to figure out what type they are without counseling or without researching the different types. If you feel they are trying to punish you or destroy you in some way (career, financially, self esteem, in belonging to a common family or friendship group, or resorting to crimes to hurt you), you are probably dealing with the malignant type (and no, malignant narcissists do not, and cannot change - the chances for "genuine" change are extremely, extremely  low - if they attend therapy, they are likely to revert back to the way they were before with new tools for more destructive behavior).
   Therefore, talking to any form of covert narcissist about anything interpersonal does not make sense, and especially talking about how you feel, or how they have hurt you. We do make mistakes sometimes because we don't always know we are talking to narcissists, but if you get a strong reaction and a victim mentality, you can usually make a bet it is due to covert vulnerable narcissism or malignant vulnerable narcissism, and decide how you will discuss things going forward. 

If a narcissist cannot hear you or treat you with respect after hurting you, who do you talk to? What the link reveals: Mental health practitioners, specialized support groups, trusted friends or family members. 

Is the only thing that keeps narcissists from hurting you more is their image and reputation? Yes, but it is not the only thing that holds them back. What that link reveals: Image and reputation management often come first and are part of every narcissist's obsession, but they also don't like losing the steady stream of narcissistic supply and the role you supply. If they hurt you too much, they realize they will lose you and the control of what you say and reveal about them, and since they are terrified of shame and the exposure of their abusive rageful side, they often opt to not go too far into hurting you. For some narcissists, fear of legal and financial repurcussions can also be part of the picture. 
   Having hesitations about hurting you is not part of a sociopath's make up however, so if they deeply and swiftly escalate hurting you, they are likely to have some Antipersonality Disorder traits. And note: narcissists can go sociopathic, especially if they are deeply enabled by others. One way you tell if you are dealing with a malignant narcissist (a person with both narcissistic and socopathic traits) is that they get narcissistic supply out of raging, frightening, and threatening you, and they tend to show sadism in either speech or deeds. They also let you know they hate you and that you deserve the worst treatment if you do not follow their orders. 
   In other words, be careful, as not all people who show the major traits of narcissism hold back on hurting you, especially if they feel their reputation, as well as the control and domination they have over you, is at stake. 

Narcissists don't care if they hurt their children either, right? Right. What that link reveals:
   Some of the hurt they cause to their children is intentional, and some of it is unintentional. The unintentional hurt they cause comes from being unempathetic, extremely self centered, and egocentric.
   Affection is given as a reward for compliance, and not for who the child is.
   Children feel they are only loved when they perform duties for their narcissistic parent.
   Narcissists will still balk at accountability when their child is hurt, and the narcissistic parent will still alter reality (gaslight their child), blame-shift, mock or rage at the child for being hurt.
   This often means that a child's safety, emotional needs and a child's milestones and accomplishments are often ignored unless the parent can use the milestones and accomplishments to make themselves look good and infallible to others.
   The consequence for a child being parented by a narcissist is that they often feel their feelings and emotions are invisible to their parent, and that they must sacrifice these parts of themselves to serve to their parent. What this link reveals: children often try hard to suppress their emotions and authentic selves, or adopt a "false self" to feel safe with their parent. Note: adopting a false self or mirroring the narcissist's opinions, abuse tactics, ways of relating, and prejudices can create narcissism in the child.
   Children also often adopt hypervigilence and fawning to keep safe.
   They also often feel trauma bonded with their parent too.
   Chronic attempts to reach the parent's perfection standards in deeds and emotions causes deep anxiety, and if they find they can never please their parent, they can develop CPTSD. Once a child develops CPTSD, suppressing emotional expression effects the nervous system and can produce either dysregulated emotions ("emotional storms"), living with emotions alone, dissociation, or emotional numbing (unreactive). 

How about narcissistic leaders of nations? Do they care if they hurt their own populace and the populations of other nations? Not really. What that link reveals: They look at it as "a necessary byproduct or collateral damage in the pursuit of their personal goals." 

How about if you tell a narcissist that it won't make your relationship better to punish you? Will they think about what you said? No. What that link reveals: It will rarely lead to changed behavior or self reflection. They typically believe you need to do the self reflecting, and change your behavior because they look at themselves as "the superior" in most relationships (i.e. the one who controls, dominates, is in charge of telling you what to do, and defining what the relationship is and what they determine are your responsibilities towards them, and any deviation from that is looked upon by them as "your moments of insanity or incompetence" or insubordination).
   They are not out to build a healthy relationship. They are out to control you, and if you tell them that they will make the relationship worse by punishing you, and the trust you have in them disappear, they will use what they know about you in this regard to inflict more pain. 

If you ask the narcissist kindly not to punish you or hurt you, what do they usually do? What that link reveals: they rarely stop the behavior. Instead they view your request as a vulnerability and will generally use DARVO and gaslighting tactics, plus increase the punishments (they look at the request as a boundary you are trying to set with them, and it can lead to narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury, as they feel entitled to control you - as in the scene above, the superiority complex they have assumes that they have a right to control you and dominate your decisions, even about personal boundaries).
   Obviously this can be a major issue for us if they are a malignant narcissist who is a domestic violence offender, a criminal narcissist, a paranoid narcissist who believes everyone is out to either compete with them or hurt them, and narcissists in public offices. 

What do narcissists think they get or achieve when they hurt other people? What that link reveals: They hurt other people to regain or maintain control of you, and to restore their self esteem.
   However, psychologists Dr. Ramani Durvasula and Dr. Les Carter have remarked in their videos that they hurt you to make themselves feel they are better than you, that by making you feel worse, they feel better in comparison. Narcissists are always in some sort of competitive frame of mind, so if they feel better than you do, even if they had a hand in making you feel worse, they feel they have won a "happiness competition". This is also referred to in psychology circles as a "zero sum game". 

Do narcissists ever put in the effort to stop hurting others? It is extremely rare, so no, on the whole they do not. What that link reveals: If they try, it's never really a genuine and sustained effort. They have litlle motivation to change because of their defense mechanisms, lack of emotional empathy, and because they are often deeply enabled by people around them. They also believe they will always get their own way, and that they have the upper hand in most situations. 

Does a narcissist hurt a lot of people during their life? Yes. What that link reveals in terms of who gets hurt the most: romantic partners and spouses, their children, their siblings, and their co-workers. Most narcissists know they cause pain and distress to others, but their makeup is such that they almost always prioritize their own satisfactions and desires over the well-being of others. 

Is it wise to try to leave narcissists who punish you for feeling hurt by them? Yes. What that link reveals: Even though narcissists cannot communicate about issues regarding their hurting or abusing others without resorting to negative reactions like rage and punishing (narcissists know they hurt others, but they aren't in the habit of ever admitting it), leaving narcissists over issues like this can present dangers.
   Initiating a split takes careful planning (I usually suggest domestic violence services to assess the dangers of the particlar person you are trying to leave, like whether they are the malignant brand, and the types of things you should take with you when you leave, as every person's situation is different). Narcissists can't even admit to themselves that they drove you away because you were continually hurt by them, instead resorting to smear campaigns like: "She left because she's crazy and a constant basket case", or "He left because he's selfish and never cared how I felt" (which is a type of DARVO), or "She left because I got tired of listening to her problems". They will never recognize the pain they caused you verbally, but if you return, they will punish you for leaving over the pain you felt (image preservation takes precedence). In other words, they thought you should "shut up and endure the pain without complaint". 

How about when it comes to narcissists feeling pain over something you did? Do they expect you to care about causing them pain when they don't care about causing you pain? Quote from Google AI: "Yes, narcissists expect you to care about their pain while ignoring yours."  Another quote from the same article: "They often demand that you prioritize their feelings, validate their struggles, and comfort their distress while giving up your own." - says it all.

After I came across the answer to the last question, I personally am done with this section, but you are free to pursue your own questions.

SOME FURTHER REPERCUSSIONS OF
NARCISSISTS NOT CARING IF THEY HURT OTHERS
APART TO WHAT IT DOES TO THEIR REPUTATION
AND THEIR ABILITY TO OBTAIN POSITIVE FORMS OF
NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY

What I have written in the previous section mainly has to do with narcisists in relationships with spouses, partners, and children, but when we take this into other types of human-to-human contact, it presents a serious problem. For instance:

* Let us say that a narcissistic person causes a serious car accident. They may not care enough about the occupants of the other car enough to call an ambulance. They may instead, be focused on trying to make the accident appear to law enforcement to be the occupants of the other car at fault entirely.  

* Another situation: A narcissist with sociopathic traits (a malignant narcissist) rises to power and starts an invasion of a neighboring country. Since he does not care about hurting other people, and since with the sociopathic traits he doesn't particularly care what it does to his reputation either, he commits war crimes by killing civilians, even children and babies. 
   However, he does care a great deal if people want to hurt him, so he kills people who he fantasizes want to kill him.
   He has a bunker built that he and his comrades can hide in. Eventually, the war ends because there are too many casualties. The soldiers either defect to the other side or march home despite what some of their commanders tell them to do. In fact, even the commanders start marching home at some point, refusing to fight for the malignant narcissist. 
   Most of the public wants the malignant narcissist out of power. When he is caught in his bunker, he acts like a victim and cries for mercy. 

* Another manifestation: A narcissistic person in the heat of an argument kills his mate in a rage. He didn't mean to kill her. He just wanted to hurt her (and frankly, he went too far in hurting her because his narcissism means he doesn't care if he hurts her). 
   He feels persecuted when a judge holds him accountable. 

Narcissists aren't just bad for their mates and families. They can be parasitic in society. 

FURTHER READING:

Do Narcissists Feel Guilty About Abusing Loved Ones?

It can be hard for people to realize how shallow narcissistic love is. - by Elinor Greenberg for Psychology Today

3 Phrases Narcissistic Partners Use During Conflicts

Words that let them withhold empathy, inflict guilt, and shift blame. - by Erin Leonard, Ph.D., for Psychology Today

SOME VIDEOS ON THIS TOPIC:

Do narcissists know they hurt you? - by psychologist, Dr. Ramani (You Tube)

Proof narcissists KNOW their behavior is unacceptable - by psychologist, Dr. Ramani (You Tube)

Unbound: Why Narcissists Need to Hurt You - by psychologist, Les Carter for Surviving Narcissism (You Tube)

The next two videos are from a Facebook public account (called "No More Narcissists"), and require you to sign into Facebook to see them, but they explain a lot of the issues you will encounter succinctly: 

4 Reasons Why Narcissists Feel Nothing After Hurting You

5 Insane Behaviors That Instantly Identify a Narcissist

FOUND ON FACEBOOK:

Don't Get Narcissism Mixed Up With Alzheimer's Disease. How Similar Are They? Comes With a Discussion on Brain Science in Narcissistic Families and in Alzheimer's Disease

One of the reasons I am bringing this to your attention is because I had mistakened dementia for narcissism with someone in my life at one time. In the beginning, she was sweet, thought extra-marital affairs were incredibly damaging to family and partners, was remarkably even-tempered and thoughtful, believed in a healthy diet, hated cigarette smoke, and appeared to love me and appreciate me. In fact she made big complicated meals when I'd go to her house for a visit.

Then she turned into the opposite as she aged, turning cruel - very unnerving. She was eating a lot of sweets constantly, and also let food rot in the refirigerator and even served it up that way. She took up smoking cigarettes, was having affairs, was inappropriate in touching someone, was dysregulated emotionally in a way I had never seen from her before. She got both paranoid and frightened but also careless and not frightened by issues that would normally frighten others. She was sensitive to the smallest slight where she hadn't been before. She seemed progressively intolerant of other people, seemed remarkably critical of others and unhappy in a way I hadn't seen before either. She blamed others for her unhappiness, raged about things that seemed inconsequential, created a "walking on eggsells environment", and was rejecting of others over minutae. Before then, she seemed to have no narcissistic traits. 

But because I wasn't studied up on psychology enough in those days, I assumed that she was a closet narcissist, perhaps of the vulnerable covert type that can suddenly surprise you, and not in a pleasant way. I had that "Oh, no!" kind of feeling upon seeing this drastic change in her.

Then I took care of her even though it wasn't my duty, and she wasn't my relative. She seemed quite vulnerable after an incident outside her house in the middle of the night. She was deaf and the incident was quite alarming, so I stayed with her until someone else could step in. 

At some point, I was unceremoniously kicked out and never knew why.

After years of silence between us, she contacted me and said that she missed me.

Then I thought she might be trying to hoover me in some way, and I grew suspicious, backed away, afraid it was an idealize, devalue and discard cycle which is an abuse cycle narcissists use. I just didn't want to be in that cycle, and I felt pretty sure I would be.

A month later she died of Alzheimer's disease in a nursing home.

Then I found out she had left me something in her Will. Upon being contacted about that, I felt so beside myself with guilt, so confused. I thought, "This isn't characteristic of narcissists! Did I get something wrong about her?"

I did get something wrong. She had Alzheimer's, and Alzheimer's can mimic narcissism. A lot.

If you read any post in this blog, I hope you read this one and do not make the mistake I did.

Here are some cross-over traits:

* Can a person take things really personally when they have Alzheimer's? Yes.  
* Can a person with Alzheimers over-react when they feel criticized? Yes, very common - this is one that threw me off personally. When someone gets snippy, overly defensive, and shows aggression, passive-aggressveness or hostility, the alarm bells go off in my head and I usually have the knee jerk reaction of backing off, and minimizing my presence in the relationship. After all, it's the big narcissism detector for a lot of people ... except it may not be narcissism; it may be Alzheimer's instead, something I did not know then. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to have a lack of empathy? Yes. For a person with Alzheimer's and a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder it is caused by brain atrophe, except the person with Alzheimer's will decline quite rapidly in cognitive abilities than the narcissist will. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's seem really manipulative? Yes, very much so. 
* Can a person with Alzheimers ghost you? Yes. 
* Can a person with Alzheimers appear to gaslight you? Yes. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's start blame-shifting a lot? Yes. Very common. 
* Can a person with Alzheimers appear to be antagonistically inclined? Yes.
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear selfish and self centered? Yes, frequently. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's reject you for no reason? Yes. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to do things just to get attention? Yes.
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to be hyper critical and mean? Yes. Even verbal abuse can be present. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to be exploitative? Yes. Symptoms include financial aggression and hoarding, impulsive spending, accusatory behavior, selfish and demanding behavior. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to be controlling? Yes. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to be domineering? Yes. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to be argumentative? Yes, even aggressive and angry. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to have a favorite child?  Yes. It's usually a child who offers the most stability and caretaking. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's cheat on their spouse? Yes. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's have impulsive or inappropriate sex? Yes. - that link points to an article about it (partial, copied here in dark red):
Yes, people with Alzheimer’s or other dementias can exhibit impulsive, inappropriate, or increased sexual behavior (hypersexuality) due to brain damage. This is a common symptom resulting from loss of inhibition, reduced judgment, or a need for affection, often caused by frontotemporal lobe atrophy. * Key Aspects of Impulsive Sexual Behavior in Dementia: What it looks like: Actions can include inappropriate touching, public undressing, masturbation in public, or explicit, uncharacteristic sexual comments.
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to stop loving their children? Yes. They may appear cold or to have forgotten their child.
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to be abusive? Yes. 
* Can a person with Alzheimer's be violent and dangerous? Yes, especially in mid - late stages.
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to be playing the victim of someone else? Yes.
* Can a person with Alzheimer's steal from others? Yes, but it is rarely with malicious intent.
* Can a person with Alzheimer's triangulate in relationships? Sort of. With real narcissists, there is a calculated, complex manipulation behind it or Machiavellian behaviors with dark triad type of personalities. With Alzheimer's it appears as drama, accusations and fear of abandonment.
* Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to be sadistic? Yes.

*But most of all: Can a person with Alzheimer's appear to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Yes.

In other words, you may not be able to tell the difference between someone with Alzheimer's and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, especially in the elderly. 

Except to make things confusing, what is the earliest age you can get Alzheimer's? 30s, 40s and 50s.

The person I am referring to above was comparatively young when she died. In most ways, she seemed like someone who would live to ninety or a hundred, just as people in her family did. It did not come to be. 

To make things yet even more confusing, look at this:

Do people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder end up with dementia more frequently than others do? Yes, there is increased risk and a more rapid cognitive decline once they are diagnosed. That link goes to an article, and a part of the article says this (typed in dark red):

Key Findings on Narcissism and Dementia

* Structural Brain Changes: Studies have found that individuals with narcissistic traits show reduced gray matter in brain regions responsible for empathy and emotional regulation, similar to areas affected in dementia.

* Increased Vulnerability: Research has indicated that high levels of "narcissistic vulnerability" (a facet of narcissism) may be linked to a greater risk of developing Alzheimer's disease, this study from Austin Publishing Group indicates.

* Exacerbation of Symptoms: Dementia often causes a person's underlying personality traits to become more rigid; in the case of NPD, this can intensify narcissistic traits, making the person more demanding, critical, and unmanageable.

* Diagnostic Challenges: Because narcissists may refuse to admit vulnerability or cognitive decline, they may avoid seeking medical help, which can lead to a delayed dementia diagnosis, according to this video on YouTube.

For me it begs the question, "Can Narcissistic Personality Disorder be a type of Alzheimer's?" For that I did not get a clear answer except that there are similarities and there can be a mis-diagnosis. The same answer came up when I replaced the word Alzheimer's with "dementia". 

BRAIN STUDIES

One thing I find over and over again in forums (this is just one) is that it is very common for a golden child to end up bullying siblings (go directly to Google AI and the suggested articles on the side). This is especially true as a narcissistic parent ages. You can also read what happened in this regard in Peep's comments section in this post. Or just Google around - there is plenty of information about this phenomenon. 

Also, narcissism often appears in children and then they grow out of it. A Golden child is less likely to grow out of it. And then they may get the kind of dementia that mimics the more severe cases of narcissism when they are old. If they are a golden child, they learn that they are entitled to special treatment, and exempt from rules or following ethics. They are also taught to compete to stay on top in terms of special privileges. When they are not "shining bright" and making the parent look good, this is the time that scapegoats may be hoovered temporarily to get the golden child jealous of the scapegoat. 

In contrast, family scapegoats become independent-minded and independent in their decisions, and experience rapid emotional maturity and adopt resilience because they learn at an early age not to trust because of the invalidations and gaslighting in narcissistic families, unless they can be brainwashed to believe in non-truths, that they are flawed, and other kinds of nonsense. 

We also know that the brains of narcissists and people with Alzheimer's are atrophied. 

And while family scapegoats don't have atrophied brains, their cognitive abilities can be impaired during times of abuse and high stress until they heal. Being traumaized interferes with the neuroplasticity of the brain too - that link tells how. What may be interesting about the link is that the brain "disrupts neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin",  producing a kind of on-going "sad effect" and depression. 

I think any scapegoat can relate to having depression. 

While the rest of the family gets rid of accountability by trying to transfer their own blame, unhappiness, depression, and sins on to the scapegoat, the scapegoat begins to feel like an outsider because of the hopeless situation of being chronically sad while the rest of the family indulges in happy pastimes.

Only when the chemical change happens (getting out of depressive and sad thoughts, and usually by greatly minimizing contact, or using techniques like the DEEP method, or ending contact with the family altogether), does the brain's neuroplasticity start to function the way it is supposed to function. 

In forums I've heard stories where a family tries to convince a scapegoat that they are crazy, stupid and inept. Sometimes poor grades exacerbate these judgements. However, once that scapegoat found out they had a narcissistic family and went low contact as a teenager, and no contact during college, they excelled, got on the dean's list, won scholarships, and got to the top in their careers. Most of the scapegoats I know are highly, highly successful (some are even famous), more successful than their peers by a long shot. Most did not party, or party as much as their peers in college, and are able to snap back even when sabotaged. Most of them are in the arts (music, visual arts, dance or writing), and considering what happened to them, it is remarkable that they excel in these hard-to-make-money careers. 

There are a few scapegoats who were too disabled or depressed, or went the way of addictions or on-going depression, or believed in the family brainwashing who aren't successful, but I found them to be in the minority. 

For scapegoats who pushed themselves to be successful in a field, the greatest challenge in life was giving up on their family of origin, the utter heartbreak of it all, the years of struggling to survive afterwards (often alone, with no support, and even sabotaged by proxy from members of their family), the realization that all members would be talked into false narratives, and all of the healing challenges that come afterwards - sometimes years and years of trauma therapy, or the compulsion to keep returning over and over again, only to find themselves in much worse conditions in their family than they were in before. 

Only until they can go through this "ring of fire" of "no contact" with narcissists, do their minds start to change, and their abilities and resilience have a dominant place in their life. Usually when depression and sadness are no longer part of your everyday experience, everything changes pretty drastically. That is what I have seen in scapegoats.

If I was to have some poetic license, I'd say that the scapegoat is like a rubber band that is sabotaged by pulling it back. However, when it is let go (through a narcissistic discard or through a scapegoat initiating no contact), they tend to fly. Perhaps the further they are pulled back, the further they fly. Why? Because a really subtle sabotage is more likely to be believed as necessary than an extremely obvious and hurtful sabotage.  

On the other hand, for the members who have gone down the narcissistic road, the less accountability and empathy a person feels, the more atrophied their brains are. - This link points to research that is significantly pointing this way at the time of this writing (go directly to Google AI and the 27 sites that discuss this). 

Anyway, using these facts, what I have to say in the next paragraph is both fact sprinkled with a little speculation (the links are usually facts). 

The more entitled golden child (as opposed to the "good-slave-for-the-parent" type of enabling golden child) is raised to be a fighter, to compete, to win, to please otherwise critical people or narcissists with power, to beat down competition and align with the powerful to get more power, prestige and money. They learn that power is the be-all and end-all in terms of both survival, types of relationships to be in, and the kind of resilience it takes to be first, way ahead of their siblings in terms of family resources, privilege, accomodation, and approval. And, like the narcissistic parent, they manipulate and triangulate so that they can stay on top. 

The scapegoat is raised to be independent whether that's the narcissistic parent's intention or not, to be resilient and mature because they go through childhood being intermittently ignored or rejected. They are taught, unintentionally I'd imagine, to be blamed for things that aren't true (gaslighting - where the signal to the scapegoat is to be independent of a narcissist's opinions, approval and reasoning processes), shamed over things that are speculative or belief-oriented (invalidations - where the signal to the scapegoat is to be perceptive, wary of the narcissistic parent, and resistant to false narratives and the potential of false narratives about them in most situations), to get triggered and highly anxious when they are expected to compete, and given a carrot stick every now and then to keep them in this awful game or role. And by the way, the role is seen as absolutely essential, so carrot sticks become necessary for the scapegoat's continued family involvement.

However, most scapegoats can't endure this role for a whole lifetime because they get sick both physically and mentally, and as I've remarked above, they are too sad to move forward in this role.

In order to continue to survive and be resilient they have to put in herculean efforts to heal (every day practices to change their brains and ways of thinking through procedures, methods, certain kinds body exercises, emotional excercises, and not giving into learned helplessness, not giving into despair and a disabled state - if they have the money for all of the therapy needed to get back on their feet). Depending on how long they've put up with abuse, and the varying types of abuse and stresses they've lived through, they have to heal or they'll die - at least that is what many of them come to think. For the family, the scapegoat's disappearance into healing is either an afront to their ego, their "perfect image" of themselves, and a cause for more punishments or aggression against the scapegoat, or the scapegoats who have left are treated like sacrifices to appease the Gods. Or the golden child. Or the parents of the golden child. Or the family legacy of "authoritarianism" and power hierarchies. 

In the Jewish tale of the scapegoat, the goat was packed down (literally had a pack on its back) with the objects that represented the communities' sins and sent out to the desert to die. If that isn't being sacrificed, I don't know what is. 

Most scapegoats of narcissistic families are sacrificed with the thinking that goes: "We'll be much better off without the scapegoat." 

However, these families mostly find they are not better off. Someone is likely to want to hoover the scapegoat back to take on all of the burdens the scapegoat used to fulfill, all of the family shame, all of the bullying and abuse. The family members who tend to take on the role of hoovering a scapegoat back tend to be siblings (they may see their more golden status start to crack and shift when the narcissist(s) show they absolutely need to have another scapegoat). 

Assuming the scapegoat cannot be hoovered, and assuming that scapegoat gradually heals, and no longer has symptoms of depression and sadness, they can and do say (from what I've seen) that they are much more capable, feel quite a bit smarter and wiser not being in a sabotaging, anxious state where they are required to feel fearful, flawed, unloved and hurt. 

Narcissists, in contrast, can decline. They have to find another scapegoat to feel their sense of "normal" and "uplifted". They usually do not have the ability to generate this themselves (they get validation from outside sources which is one reason they brag and tell people they've won many competitions, and are better than other people at winning). If you yank narcissistic supply away from an entitled narcissist, they usually go into a rage and get paranoid (often called narcissistic collapse). 

A narcissistic collapse means they will go from a grandiose state (ego stroked) to a victim state (not ego stroked). 

Some of what happens on a brain level during a narcissistic collapse can be found through this link. The shorthand version is this: They go through "heightened amygdala activation (fear/rage center) and decreased prefrontal cortex activity (rational, inhibitory center)". Their amygdala becomes hyper-active such that they experience lack of narcissistic supply as "an existential threat instead of a disappointment". The prefontal cortex stops functioning, leading to dysregulation of emotions with little to no impulse control (they become impulsive: reckless, or dangerous). It also effects the anterior insula and cingulate cortex (meaning they feel psychological pain). It can also mean a Dorsal Vagal Shutdown (depression, helplesness and emotional numbness). 

All of this comes from feeling "entitled" to have a scapegoat. Most scapegoats leave narcissists, so it shouldn't surprise them when their scapegoat decides on this path, but it does. And because they cannot see how much damage they are doing, or for the more sadistic narcissists, they get off on the constant pain of their scapegoats, they are often not prepared for a narcissistic collapse. If they could put themselves in their scapegoat's shoes, they'd understand, but they can't.  

So since the lack of empathy, the inability to understand the perspectives of others, and since desperate acts to hold on to power can mean less and less empathy, the brain can and does continue to atrophy.  

One other thing: Alcohol abuse disorder contributes to significant brain atrophy and alcohol use disorder tends to be a comorbidity of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. - meaning that narcissistic alcoholic families are impossible to live in. I can't emphasize how awful it is enough - truly horrific.

Even if it's only the grandparents with alcohol use disorder (and not children or parents), it still translates to incredible dysfunction and an unhealthy family dynamic - in other words, it tends to be generational trauma. However, usually parents or a child becomes an alcoholic because alcohol use disorder happens in families with personality disorders and abuse. 

Perhaps Alzheimer's has a more frequence occurance in alcoholic and narcissistic families - research suggests it does. And this is the speculative part: Perhaps with both disorders happening inside individuals they are already part of the way into Alzheimer's Disease. 

And this is quite controversial:

Perhaps the brain issue with narcissists is also as involuntary as the person with Alzheimer's? What do you think? Neither narcissism or Alzheimer's changes in any significant way and both tend to get worse. However, let's not get too far into "everything they do is never their fault." Certainly a lack of empathy is not their fault, and often caused by atrophy in the anterior insula, anterior cingulate cortex and ventromedial prefontal cortex, but abuse and manipulating other people is definitely a choice. 

And another speculation:

If there were strict rules, laws and severe consequences for the abuse of children, is it possible narcissists might actually give up on child abuse? Or never take it up in the first place? Is that possible? Obviously it is a choice because they often do not display child abuse in public.

Could a lack of child abuse in a society change human beings in terms of evolution so that there was more tolerance, more empathy, more compassion, better use of our brains, less alcoholism, less wars, and less Alzheimer's? What do you think? 

I tend to think, "yes." 

However, wouldn't addictions have to be given up to make the world more peaceful? Alcohol is the big one. But there are others:
* Addictions to computers which keep us from each other and don't teach us skills about healthy relating.
* Addictions to power, domination, controlling and manipulating others, getting narcissistic supply out of others in the way of flattery and emotional reactions - all of which lead to a lack of empathy. 
* Addiction to excess money, things, compulsive spending, compulsive desires for more things, compulsive self care (being pampered by others to the point of entitlement) - leads to a lack of empathy for others too.
* Addiction to over eating, and couch potato living (more of a new phenomenon as our ancient ancestors did not live that way)
* Addiction to compulsive sex (using others for sexual relief), pedophilia, sexual abuse of children, rape, and so on - you have to have a brain that says you are entitled to these forms of sex, so you are likely to not have empathy either. 
* Addiction to wars and invasions (ongoing "deterrent detractor thinking and obsessions", controlling populations, controlling other leaders of countries, controlling a population's preferred leaders, controlling opinions, border wars). A lot of people don't think wars are addictions but I think they are if human beings must always be involved in them and drawn to them - they present such unhealthy and dangerous situations, much like abuse with addictions do, and end up to equal more destruction, blowback and resentment than positive outcomes, at least during a war and for at least a couple of decades after a particular one has ended. 

Wars and child abuse are the leading contributors to PTSD. 

Many people think it's not possible for people to give up alcohol (or excessive alcohol) - that it will always be with us. Many believe that wars will always be with us, century after century of them with no let-up. In fact, many people believe that human beings will always develop addictions, and perhaps AI will be just another one to take up space in addictive personalities (you won't have to endure the inconvenience of thinking or problem solving any more because robots are so much smarter and are light years ahead of us in terms of capabilities). 

I've heard that in order to survive in an AI dominated world run by oligarchs, it will demand more narcissism from us. Why? Because to make a living in an AI world, you'd have to be a bastard to succeed.

And sometimes people think narcissism is becoming more dominant, that we can afford to live in a less and less empathetic world. They seem to want more dictatorial authoritarian governments (even voting them in), although some populations are beginning to do a double-take. 

And I do notice more and more empaths are retreating and drawing inward, as if they are being wounded by the brutal world. They are making peace sanctuaries out of their homes. Or they are making hoarding a full time occupation for when robots, oligarchs and invasive types of people take over. The main thing is that they are being crucified and taken advantage of because of their empathy. They are experiencing significant "burn out". 

I personally feel that we are all at a cross-road between war or peace, narcissism or empathy, authoritarianism or democracy, the human species becoming so narcissistic that we self destruct or the human species becoming more empathetic so that we evolve and grow into a more peaceful species. And it is all up to us. 

Now I'll move away from speculation and guessing the fate of the world ...

More on Alzheimer's Disease:

Alzheimer's appears more frequently in women who have had a hysterectomy. 

Alzheimer's Disease is a type of diabetes, linked to insulin resistance (often called "Type 3 Diabetes").

Alzheimer's Disease is more prevaent in people with alcohol use disorder (significant risk). 

Alzheimer's Disease is more prevalent in people who have C-PTSD.

Alzheimer's Disease is more prevalent in African Americans. 

Alzheimer's Disease is more common in women than men. 

Alzheimer's Disease is more prevalent in people who are overweight.

Alzheimer's Disease is more prevalent in people who have a family history of Alzheimer's.

War veterans have an increased risk of getting Alzheimer's.

Sexual abuse survivors have an increased risk of getting Alzheimer's Disease. 

Significant stress over your life time can significantly impact whether you get Alzheimer's Disease.

Heart disease patients have an increased risk of getting Alzheimer's Disease. - significant risk.

I hope this post has been helpful. 

VIDEO

Narcissistic relationships and dementia
by Dr. Ramani
(Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a clinical psychologist, writer, professor Emerita at California State University, Los Angeles, California and is a recognized expert on narcissistic abuse) 

FOUND ON FACEBOOK

Another Way to Tell the Difference Between Overt Grandiose Narcissists, Covert Vulnerable Narcissists, Malignant Narcissists and Communal Narcissists: How They Get Narcissistic Supply

I thought this bit of knowledge might be useful in terms of how to tell the difference between a number of types of narcissists. The subject has been discussed by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Dr. Les Carter, and is something that is taught in graduate schools in terms of the psychology of Cluster B personality disorders.

It is also a well-known way that psychologists tell the difference between the different forms of narcissism. It becomes necessary in order to know clients who are exhibiting narcissistic traits, or clients who are dealing with narcissists in their every day lives. 

So what is this post about?

It is about how particular narcissists get most of their narcissistic supply and what that can tell you in terms of what type of narcissism they have. 

Here is another link about narcissistic supply, which takes you to this link as supply is inexorably linked to narcissistic abuse, neglect, and exploitation, and to round it off to three links, here is another link. All of the articles say the same thing in different ways: it's about the narcissist getting attention, power, control, domination, and indulging in manipulating people to get what they want.  

The manipulations are otherwise known as tactics and many of them can be found in the right hand column of this page and continue to this page. 

This is the simplistic version (for now): 

Overt grandiose narcissists are more about what people assume about narcissism: the extroverted, bragging, charming, charismatic, attention-seeking, arrogant, "have to see it my way", bombastic, overtly "me first" type of narcissist.

Their main source of narcissistic supply is going to be about being the center of attention, that the attention is always on them, telling stories, talking over people, interrupting people, bragging, exaggerating their successes, flaunting fame or money, telling others how smart or beautiful they are, flaunting wealth, flaunting their hand-picked followers and sycophants, getting other people to invest in them personally or financially, appearing like a winner, and if they lose, telling others someone or something sabotaged them, that some sort of system was rigged against them.

They can play the victim to get attention in that way, but generally that's not their style (it's more the narcissistic supply of the covert vulnerable narcissist). They try to focus other people's attention on how popular, smart and God-like they are to other people, and that these other people will lose out if the narcissist is not a total leader, or if they are held accountable for the things they do (which, for all narcissists, will entail some lack of empathy or remorse for their victims). 

Overt grandiose narcissists generally punish others by being cold, rageful and interrupting so that they don't hear your side of things, demanding, commanding, telling you that you have to give them their own way, by trying to talk you into things, that they deserve to be in control (that they are smarter, more charismatic, more persuasive than you could ever hope to be). They are often obnoxious and their punishments are much more obvious in terms of gaining more power and control for themselves.  

Vulnerable covert narcissists are the more shy version of narcissists. Their scheme is primarily doing something obnoxious, hurtful, attention-seeking in a negative way, or neglectful, and "playing the victim" afterward. These narcissists are complainers: they complain they are not being seen as the "great parent", or "great friend" or "great spouse", or "great intelligent would-be leader". They whine about being overlooked in their jobs, in their family, in their friendship circles: in other words, not enough praise and leadership is going to them (and they are adamant that it should). They think they are superior and are being robbed of being seen as "the great authority" that they think they should be, and not being "given proper attention" or "praise" in most of their relationships.

Narcissistic supply for them is about getting pity, and playing "the pity card" constantly, in never-ending cycles. You're supposed to pity them, come to their rescue, pacify them, tell them how great they are again and again, soothe them, flatter them, and it's a never ending role. Sometimes they will want this pity, especially when other people's focus is on you, when you are going through the real tragedy. They have to create a scene that is somehow worse than yours so that the attention goes back to them and their concerns. 

And then when you can't give them your concerns in a kind of all-encompassing way because of issues unfolding in your own life, they will punish you for not coming to their rescue, and they will tell others with tears in their eyes, or in an angry petulant way: "What have I done to deserve this neglect? I've done everything I can to welcome her, and have her part of my life, but look at the way she treats me! I don't deserve this! And she's selfishly decided to focus on her own tragedy which happened two weeks ago! How much time does a person need to get over a tragedy!?"

One reason it is so covert is that not everyone catches on to these manipulations, and before you know it, they are not only using the event they want attention over to smear your good name and intentions, but giving you the silent treatment or discarding you because you failed in some way to give a lot of credence to the next victim story they tell, or told, or because you failed to praise them the way they wanted. And they have "exact ways" they want the praise and soothing to sound.

And of course, discards over not being praised enough with specific requirements of how the praise should sound is crazy-making, and will also rock your world if they do it a lot (and they tend to use it at times that they think are most advantageous to them). 

Covert vulnerable narcissists are much more reactive, hurt and enraged if you criticize them (although they have no trouble criticizing others - they tend to criticize you for years behind your back in a two-faced kind of way, because like all narcissists, they lack empathy and they want excuses for their potential discards - if they've been complaining about you for years, their reasons for a discard won't be as suspect - this is obviously unethical and hypocritical in a long term kind of way). They can and do end relationships over a criticism, their interpretation of criticism, or feeling slighted.

Which is to say that covert narcissists are more likely to use passive aggressive types of punishments in relationships: like the silent treatment, neglect of spouse and children who aren't cheerleading and praising them all of the time, telling false narratives or exaggerated stories with some truth and some lying behind their victims' backs, trying to paint their victims as either cruel, or crazy, or stupid, or ugly behind their backs, and usually indulging in a lot of smear campaigns. These folks are usually much more socially awkward, expect you to pacify and heal them, expect you to make the grand overtures in the relationship to make them feel more special, accepted and powerful. 

Sometimes the silent treatments and discards are "fake discards" as Jason Skidmore of The Nameless Narcissist likes to call them. The narcissistic head game is this (though, again, you may not be aware of it at all): They like people apologizing to them over and over again, even if it's a small matter. The narcissist will blow it up into a huge matter just to insist that an apology is due them. And guess who is always, always the apologizer? You, of course. This makes them feel superior to you, that you must always be the one to apologize (because they want you to believe like any narcissist wants you to believe, that you are the "flawed one" and that they are "the perfect one" in the relationship - "Why else would someone apologize to me all of the time?" they might say, "unless they have a reason to apologize?"). They can also prove that they do nothing wrong because they are never in the position of apologizer themselves.

They take these "facts" to their so-called friends, the people who they spend time disparaging you to behind your back. And part of the game is that if you are discarded by the narcissist in the end, they can prove how flawed you were because you were always apologizing to them.

However most people aren't aware of the games covert narcissists play, and the power differential in this kind of bullying, even if it is extreme, that often the more powerless person is feeling absolutely forced and terrified if they don't apologize in their trauma bonded way (with lots of terrible repercussions if the victim doesn't apologize in exactly the way the narcissist demands). Trauma bonds are formed with children, or the disabled, or the ill, people who are dependent on them for care and compassion. 

The victim can also be in a co-dependent relationship with the narcissist, where finances, children, a house, and friends are all shared (in other words, it's terrifying "not to apologize", especially if there are threats of repercussions like divorce and taking the children away, which there always tend to be if the covert narcissist insists on an apology and isn't getting one, or one like the one they demand). 

If they can make the case that people are always apologizing to them, and that they are so perfect that they never have to apologize to others, this is how narcissists separate and isolate their victims from not only connections, attention and love from others, but also from respect, knowing the victim's side of things, and so on.

Human beings, even the most intelligent ones among us, are still not bright enough to tell when they are being fooled by this story-line, and can go along with heresy.

This way of smearing their victims right at the start of their relationships with them is also how they get away with playing the victim and getting the pity going towards them than the real victims who are caught out in the cold with very little support. 

Again, it's unethical, and they do get duper's delight if they fool others, a sign that they have a few sociopathic traits (and most covert narcissists do have a few). Once you figure out this very, very common head game of the covert narcissist, the ethics behind the game can be so off-putting that you let them play their silent treatment game by deciding not to apologize, not to converse with them lest you get more head games (and you will), not to get entangled with them. You take yourself out of the game and let the repercussions fall where they will, even if it means starting a new life and giving up on people who believe that all they have to know is heresy from a narcissist to come to a conclusion of who is right and who is wrong.

And by the way, this game is especially destructive to children, and for them, as they are sacrificing the truth, their own dignity, and even being right, every time the covert narcissist wants to play this game with them.

It ties into why children of narcissists often find that they don't know who they really are just after they have a chance to escape in some way. 

It also ties into why so many children who have been abused by a narcissistic parent become extremely introverted. They get to a point where they don't say anything so that they will not have to apologize for anything. 

In the meantime, narcissists will keep inviting people to their endless pity parties, and it will be about how you did them wrong (when you didn't apologize to them for the next false, or blown up, accusation) until people get tired of listening to them rattle on about the subject over years sometimes.

Anyway, I bring this up to say that narcissists get plenty of narcissistic supply not only from holding pity parties, but from coercing vulnerable people into constantly apologizing to them, using passive aggressive abuses like fake discards and silent treatments. 

Communal narcissists tend to be the charitable types of narcissists, and give to causes, but they expect a lot in return such as loyalty and constant praise from their subjects, constant praise from the charity organizations - in other words, they want continual, often public, social recognition for what they do.

Most of us don't require constant praise for "giving"; we give because it is the right thing to do, the moral thing to do because we have "extra to give", and it's the right kind of cause. Some of us are even more humble and give anonymously. Communal narcissists won't have any of that: they require a spotlight on them. 

For them, narcissistic supply is about getting more and more admiration, attention, praise and loyalty, and of getting more and more power too, by showing they can be altruistic with their money and not just self indulgent. If they don't receive every kind of power they want, they punish the organization or the people receiving the donations, and even withhold from giving promised amounts. 

So their main source of narcissistic supply is going to be about being the center of attention in the media, or within a community, or among the rich and famous, or a commune type of setting with followers who praise them all of the time, ready to talk on their behalf for how benevolent they are, for "being their helper and angel of mercy". 

Benevolence is not the negative thing here. The head game here is to give donations in return for what the narcissist wants, which is narcissistic supply. So it's not likely to be "a gift" with no strings attached.

There is always likely to be shaming and lectures by the narcissist involved, and it keeps the culture enraptured with the wealthy and how much good or evil they do.

With malignant narcissism as part of their narcissism, they want to preach, "own" and isolate the people they give charity to. We only have to look at the headlines to see where these narcissists took a wrong turn in their benevolence: Jeffrey Epstein was quite benevolent to underage girls, even to the point of making their dreams of a college education come true, but with one caveat: to get them into silently prostituting themselves for him, or to his wealthy friends and clients; Jim Jones killed his followers via coercive suicide (and his followers were often the subject of racial discrimination and poor - again the power differential was extreme); David Koresh forbid his male followers to have sex with their own wives, but had sex with the wives instead.  

Any cult that practices isolationism, and keeps track of where members go, what they do, how loyal they are to the leader, and who they talk to, and anyone who insists that they have to be in the spotlight and praised endlessly for their benevolence, is usually narcissistic. A leader who tells a person they can't have sex with their own spouse (at their command) is probably narcissistic too. 

Malignant narcissists have Antisocial Personality Disorder traits and are more menacing. Their primary way to get people to do what they want is through both overt and passive aggressive threats, intimidations, micro-managing what you do, where you go, how you speak, how you dress, how you treat them, how you set the table, and place the napkins, what you give them, and managing you on all levels, often financially, emotionally, physically, verbally, socially, including how you conduct yourself in other relationships, who you see, and so on. 

Malignant narcissists are much more likely to indulge in crimes against you including domestic violence (physical abuse, threats of physical abuse, and intimidating body language), stalking, stealing, home invasion, erroneous lawsuits, false imprisonment, kidnapping your common children, and other illegal aggressions to make you feel hunted. This sometimes happens during the relationship, but it can often happen when you aren't doing what they require you to do, or have recently left them. 

Malignant narcissists usually have subcategories too like "Overt Grandiose Malignant Narcissist" and "Covert Vulnerable Malignant Narcissist" and "Communal Malignant Narcissist". 

Malignant narcissists get their narcissistic supply through making other people afraid of them and getting other people to feel intimidated by them. They tend to be sadistic to get this kind of supply. 

Fear and hurting others is always going to be the malignant narcissist's main supply and you can sometimes tell they get off on it by a smile on their face - most of them love to see people in fear, and being hurt. 

Also seeing someone fearful of them, and hurt, is their way of knowing they've got your attention, and power over you. Obviously, it's one of the more sickening and evil brands of narcissism, and one that tends to gradually get worse as they are rewarded by people who tolerate them getting off on their pain just to stay in a relationship with them. 

For malignant narcissists they have their scapegoats, and they can turn on the politeness and charm when a person isn't their scapegoat, thereby hiding their sadism. They can act like the sweetest, most caring person on earth, so it isn't always noticeable that they are the opposite of this. But to people who are hurt by them, the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality is very obvious (and often the first sign of malignant narcissism).

And the way someone gets to be a scapegoat of a malignant narcissist is if they do not do everything the narcissist expects them to do, and if the narcissist isn't successful in silencing you. They make it clear that you've got to take their aggressions, their orders and their sadism without comment or you will pay. 

Their secondary brand of narcissistic supply is being successful at micro-managing others - telling others what to do, and how to do it, constantly, without let-up. 

These folks, like the covert narcissist, can't take any criticism, or even an excuse as to why you need a moment or two of self care. You are always going to look selfish in their eyes (it is projection). They respond to criticism in a different way than covert narcissists do, with a barrage of threats, dares, physical altercations or violence, physical acts of dominance, breaking things and pounding their fists, and being a menacing presence. They are completely and utterly compromise resistant, and if they can't get their way, they take.  

They are hyper critical of other people, and demanding of others.

They have no concept of fairness. 

They have no ethics except as an acting job when it is important to another person - "pretend ethics". 

Their favorite phrases when they criticize others are "selfish" (because they are that way and assume others are too), and "lazy" (because they feel they get to determine how fast and diligently others work for them while they become "lazy delegators"). 

Another one of their favorite phrases is: "He (or she) deserved to get hurt." This can be over their victim not following their precise orders. Other similar phrases are: "She deserved to get cancer and die." "He deserves every bad thing that is happening to him." "He deserves not to get an inheritance for being disloyal" - even when narcissists are more disloyal than anyone on the planet. "I hope they die a miserable death" and so on. All of these sayings are very obviously sadistic, and when said to others is a warning that they will be happy to see you suffer too if you are not doing what you are told to do (putting themselves in charge of all of your actions is not only presumptive, but downright unhealthy in close personal relationships). 

With "Malignant Grandiose Narcissism" they get their narcissistic supply through fear, intimidation, threats AND overt types of aggression such as violence, stalking, stealing, false imprisonment, taking things other people want because they know it will hurt them, refusing to compromise on anything, being two-faced, being the life of the party and then criticizing everyone at the party when home, and in general, being a menacing, selfish, boorish, arrogant, overly antagonistic presence in their victim's life. When they get caught, they aren't as convincing at playing the victim (but they try) as the covert malignant narcissist because they usually brag about what they've done with someone else, or a number of people. They aren't introverted at all, and that's their downfall. 

With "Malignant Covert Narcissism", for instance, they get their narcissistic supply through fear, intimidation, threats, and stealing to hurt the other person (this and destroying personal property is usually their primary crime), AND through playing the victim afterwards. However, it should be said that they are not above injuring and murdering if it can be done in a way where no one sees (covertly) and planned - it depends on the amount of Antisocial Personality Disorder traits they have as opposed to narcissistic traits, and how much revengeful thoughts take over their system. 

As I've said before, they can become vengeful over you not apologizing, and not just give the silent treatment. Again, they enjoy hurting others, so they can commit crimes to make sure their wishes are carried through. 

They are masters of the DARVO technique to get out of being accountable, and can be more convincing than any grandiose narcissist, with their more sullen, quiet, measured, non-revealing, if very cold, demeanor.

Covert malignant narcissists can have significant Machiavellian traits (Dark Triad traits) - planning demises and revenges can take over every thought and ambition they have. 

With Communal Narcissism meshed in with Malignant Narcissism, we see crimes, most often against people with so little power, and who are so "wowed" by the narcissist, that they literally become a follower. But these narcissists commit crimes, isolate victims, whether it is sexual crimes against children and teenagers, or coercive crimes, child abuse, the stock-piling of weapons for a shoot-out with public officials like police, abuse against women, and some of them insist their followers commit suicide with a forced-on-them murder weapon.

"Drinking the Kool aide" has become a metaphor for going along with your own demise by following a dubious or diabolical leader or idealogue. It refers to the Jim Jones cult where the followers were coerced into drinking poisoned Kool aid and died. 

When we think of narcissists, and following narcissists who are leaders, "drinking the Kool aid" is definitely a warning not to be too enthralled, or too drawn in to a leader's victim stories, or enchanted with their charisma or followers, or too drawn in to letting them make decisions for you (being dictatorial in exchange for more-often-than-not fake promises), or too threatened by them enough to neglect yourself and your own self preservation.  

I hope this is helpful in how to differentiate between the different types of narcissists so that you can be better informed as to the type of narcissist you may be dealing with. 

Warning: sometimes it's hard to tell if the person is a malignant narcissist until the crimes start happening to you. Also remember that domestic violence is a crime (a real crime, not "a crime of passion" as some police used to call it). Also remember to look out for Jekyll and Hyde behavior, arrogance, controlling manipulative behaviors, and people who go into a rage when criticized. 

FURTHER READING

5 Types of Narcissism and How to Spot Each - by Courtney Telloian, and medically reviewed by Jeffrey Ditzel, DO for Psych Central

5 Types of Narcissism and How to Spot Them (No two narcissists are exactly alike. Learn how narcissism exists on a spectrum.) - by Katharine Chan, MSc, BSc, PMP, reviewed by Steven Gans, MD for Very Well Mind

7 Types of Narcissists (Covert, grandiose, and other types of narcissistic personality disorder) -  by Dr. Laura Dorwart, medically reviewed  by Elle Markman, PsyD, MPH

14 Types of Narcissism & What to Know About Them - by Brooke Schwartz, LCSW and medically reviewed by Kristen Fuller, MD for Choosing Therapy

Know the Kind of Narcissist You're Dealing With and Symptoms (Types of narcissists have different behavior, but they share two core symptoms.) - by Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT and reviewed by Davia Sills for Psychology Today