When There is Favoritism of a Child in a Family, It is Usually a Sign There is an Abused Scapegoat Child Too. Comes With a Discussion for Teachers and Mandated Reporting.

 

"Trapped but Resilient"

c Lise Winne

This post is mainly written for teachers who are mandated reporters.
Note: I am a certified teacher and a mandated reporter who decided to research and study subjects on abuse. 

To get to the subject ... 

If you are a teacher, you are probably not going to find out who is a favored child by talking to a favorite child. Favorite children usually do not boast that they are a favorite. Some of the reasons for this are the following:
* "You're a Mommy's boy!" from jeering, teasing peers
* resentment from siblings
* shock and dismay from teachers
* disapproval of the favoritism by other parents 
* Parents who favor a child often deny that they do. 

In terms of abusive parents who use favoritism to hurt one or some of their children, it is often perpetrated by parents who display personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (the Cluster B personality disorders). Abuse can also be perpetrated by people with Cluster C personality disorders (dependent, avoidant and obsessive compulsive). 

Since the Cluster B personality disordered perpetrate abuse more than those with Cluster C personality disorders, and because my blog is more focused on the Cluster B personality disorders, I will be referencing the Cluster B personality disorders for this particular post.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex disorder as there are four types of it, and one type can differ quite a bit from other types. One type can display abusive behaviors and another type can primarily express suicidal thoughts or behaviors, loner status, isolation, PTSD and depression to the point where they are too disabled to work or study. If you're not studied up on the four types, you may assume that all Borderlines are abusive if you know of a Borderline who is abusive. Or you might deny that Borderlines are abusive at all if you know of a Borderline who is suicidal and doesn't interact with many, if any, people, let alone partake in abusing them. 

To complicate matters Borderline Personality Disorder is often comorbid with other disorders. It can be comorbid with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, ADHD, Autism, PTSD, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety Disorder (very prevalent), Separation Anxiety Disorder (also very prevalent), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which can have many physical effects on the body and be painful, leading to Borderlines feeling hopelessness and self destruction), clinical depression (highly prevalent), suicidality (highly prevalent), eating disorders (also highly prevalent), and addiction (also highly prevalent). 

Because comorbidities are so highly prevalent among Borderlines, it makes it difficult to talk about them in terms of if they abuse, and how they abuse. A Borderline with a comorbidity with Antisocial Personality Disorder is going to act quite differently than a Borderline with hopelessness, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and suicide ideation. 

There is nothing simple about talking about Borderline Personality Disorder in terms of how they abuse children (if they abuse them at all), as they can have comorbidities with the more unempathetic and violent types of Cluster B personality disorders, such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder, or have no comorbidities with these disorders at all and can show deep empathy for others. 

Most Borderlines have empathy, so that distinguishes them from the other Cluster B personality disorders. Their brain scans tend to be a little different than the other Cluster B personality types also and tend to have more in common with people with PTSD than the other Cluster B personality disorders. 

If I had to take a simplistic approach to how Borderlines abuse children, for those who do abuse, the simplistic take on it is that they tend to reactively abuse and primarily stick to emotional abuse. 

Some of them can abuse if someone disagrees with them, or if they feel they are in danger of being abandoned. However, people whom they believe are close to them and disagreeing with them can sometimes be seen by them as abandoning them too. In other words, Borderlines can become easily triggered and afraid of "the possibilities" of being abandoned.  

Do people with Borderline Personality Disorder show favoritism of children? Definitely yes, but again, this does not apply to all Borderlines.  

However, the more likely personality disorder to show favoritism are those people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And they tend to show it blatantly and do it cruelly, at least as far as the disfavored child is concerned. For them it is often a manipulative scheme, with a single-minded ambition for power, control and domination and narcissistic supply. Favoritism also tends to be transactional. They also tend to hurt disfavored children intentionally. In other words favoritism can come with a lot of abuse (not just from the parent, but the favorite sibling can partake in it too). 

As for the other Cluster B personality disorders, there is no research that indicates Antisocial Personality Disordered individuals have "favorites" beyond extortion, and for the Histrionic Personality Disordered folks, they are generally too inconsistent to have a consistent favorite child. 

If some of these personality disorders are comorbid with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is common (another link) then it is more likely. 

For the sake of awareness, it is good for any teacher to know the traits associated with the Cluster B Personality disorders, particularly from the DSM-5:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Antisocial Personality Disorder

Note: the statistics for people with Cluster B personality disorders in the general population only counts those who have been clinically diagnosed and reported, and since many people with these personality disorders do not seek help from mental health professionals, the numbers are probably much higher. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, an expert psychologist on narcissism, said that as many as 1 in 6 people in the United States could have Narcissistic Personality Disorder in one of her videos (meant to include narcissists who do not go to therapy and therefor never get diagnosed - this seems more accurate to me too than the 1 - 3 percent generally stated in textbooks ... however I would guess it is more like 10 percent). 

Anyway, to get back on-topic:

Since it is doubtful we teachers will ever learn of favoritism from a "favorite child" or a parent "who is favoring a specific child", we may learn about it from the child who is dis-favored and coming to us with complaints about it. 

Because I know that favoritism can come with abuse, and often does, I tended to take children who complained about favoritism seriously. Sometimes it turned out to be a one-time situation, or did not warrant drastic action, but in general, I thought that issues of favoritism deserved constant vigilance and oversight to make sure the child was not being abused. 

But anyone could see how favoritism could be a set-up for abuse to happen. The favorite can get special privileges while the disfavored does not. The favorite can get to go on special trips with Mom or Dad,  while the disfavored is told to stay home.

And then it has a way of escalating from there unless the parent has a conscience and stops it: the favorite is constantly praised, while the dis-favored becomes the child who is constantly criticized. When one child is praised most of the time, and the disfavored child is enduring criticism most of the time, it's more or less when the abuse of the disfavored child begins. Since abuse almost always tends to escalate rather than de-escalate, I believe it is important to watch out for this first sign. 

How I tended to deal with "the favoritism issue" as a teacher:

I often tried to dig deeper to find out how the favoritism was being manifested. Was the favorite getting more resources while the child standing in front of me got less? Was the favorite getting more affection while the child talking to me got little or none? Was the favorite getting away with punching the child standing in front of me? Scratches? Verbal abuses? Were they called crazy at all? How many times? Were they singled out to be by themselves while the favorite was invited to be part of family activities? Were their feelings being ignored while the favorite's feelings were always taken into consideration? Were they blamed for what others did (DARVO'd)? 

Then I got into the physical abuse specifics. How were they touched by others in their family? I tried to dig deep if they were revealing any aggressive forms of touching (like punching, grabbing, scratching, biting, etc). 

How much were they blamed for things they didn't do, that the parent or a sibling did instead? How much were they made to take responsibility for what others do? Were they accused of having traits that the accuser(s) had (as this might show projection on the perpetrator's part, which is often an indication of Cluster B personality disorders)?

If I felt it warranted a report to Child Protective Services, that is what I did. 

This is to say that a child talking about the favoritism of a sibling rang the first alarm bells for me as to whether they were being abused in their family of origin or not (and most of the children who talked about favoritism of a sibling largely were). 

Usually when there is favoritism of a sibling, there is a scapegoat in the family too. I am providing some articles and links below that address that issue, as well as two Google AI articles (where you can access other articles on the subject through the articles). 

The other thing I noticed about child scapegoats being abused is that when answering questions, they were emotional and appeared exhausted when giving the answers.

If they got into a "I can't tell" phase with their answers, I tried to find a backdoor way of getting an answer. For instance, if I asked whether they were punched, they might tell me that they can't say, or that they don't want to talk about it, so I'd let it go, but then as I gained their trust, the backdoor way I got an answer was to ask, "If you get punched by someone, how do react?" ... "How do you protect yourself?" ... "How do you make plans to keep safe?" ...

Then that might lead to other questions such as: "How do you think this problem can be solved, or do you think there is no way to solve it?" ... "Has any grownup ever defended you?" ... "Does any grown up listen to your concerns and what do they do after you have told them that you feel hurt by their actions?" ... "Has your sibling always been a favorite, or does it pass around to you sometimes? And are you treated better during those times, or does it just seem like you are the favorite because your parent is trying to punish your sibling?" .... "Does the favoritism go back to the prior favorite sibling when they do what your parent wants?" ... "Do you feel seen or heard, or do you feel invisible?" ... "What do your parents punish you for?" Note: if it's something like a look on their face, their tone of voice, accusing them of feeling or thinking in certain ways, or accusing them of evil plans to hurt others - that is a huge red flag! I would not ignore this, because so often it is "perpetrator fantasy", an excuse to abuse - perpetrators who have fantasies about what their victims are feeling and thinking escalate abuse very rapidly - they are more prone to act out abuse fantasies that bring them "sadistic pleasure" than other types of abusers do (it's in the link) - and since teachers are usually mandated reporters (with not enough training, in my opinion, or enough workshops in up-to-date research), it is really, really important to know what children are being punished for and whether it resembles anything like this. 

And finally I would ask: "Does your parent ever apologize for the hurt they have caused you? And how long does that apology last in your opinion?" and "Does your sibling ever apologize for the hurt they caused you and how long does that apology last in your opinion?" 

These are just some of the questions I asked when teaching kids who let me know in some way that there was trouble at home. When younger children are acting out, I think it is important to get to the bottom of "why". Some will say, "I'm just a bad kid." Or "I'm just crazy" or "I'm going to try hard not to act that way. Can I go now?" I don't think any of these are good enough answers in the least bit. They may have been taught to think that way about themseves or to say that. So questioning gets to the bottom of what is truly ailing them, and how they think about things. 

"I care about how you feel and think about things" sometimes works wonders ... I often got sheepish or teary smiles when saying that. If you find out they are abused, probably very few people are caring what they think or feel.

I usually pointed out good qualities that I saw in them too, even if they had the reputation of being "a bad kid".

I think that if you focus on the good qualities of children, that gives them a future incentive and the beginning thought processes to focus on those qualities. The more you focus on those qualities, the more they will too.

If they were teenagers, I focused on their potential, their talents, their intelligence, and suggested activities that they might be interested in, and if they showed a lot of interest in something, I might mention a few careers, although I left a lot of that to guidance counselors as that is their specialty. However, the one thing about a teacher starting the conversation about careers, it shows that you have confidence in them, that they can "make it" in those careers. That kind of focus can continue to help them to think of the future instead of the present ("life as an adult"). 

Abused children and teenagers often think of themselves as losers, that they can't do anything right. Many of them are taught that they are inept - abuse is primarily a power and control issue, and if a parent or caretaker can convince a child that they are inept, it gives the parent or caretaker greater control to make life-long decisions for the child.

Obsessing over gaining more power and control is a "hallmark narcissistic trait" which often carries other issues like lack of empathy for their child, being antagonistically inclined, and a parent can blame shift on to a child when they exhibit unethical behaviors as a way to avoid their own accountability, and a host of other issues that can lead them to abuse their child (called narcissistic abuse, although narcissistic abuse usually escalates to other forms of abuse).  

Many people who seek more and more power and control, and put that agenda first in their lives, treat their children in such a way that will damage or break their child's self esteem, especially if the child is put in a scapegoat role.

Children often feel helpless, inept and hopeless to change their self esteem because part of being in a scapegoat role is that they are criticized a lot for what they don't do (unfairly blamed). They can often feel there is no way out of the constant unfair blaming and shaming, and no action to take to change the trajectory of their parent's bad opinions of them.

But if you have the time as a teacher to teach them something different about themselves, then that can be an impetus for them to think they are more special and valuable to others than they hitherto believed, rather than only valuable for the sake of a sunken self esteem in their families.

I will say it is an uphill battle to get them from sinking again and again into a lousy self esteem, especially if they are going home every night just to have it bashed up again, but I will say that I felt I  had some success, as a teacher in building some of it back up, especially if I kept reminding them of their best qualities.

Granted it worked better for younger children than for teenagers, but teenagers still have the ability to dream, to perk up when feeling valued, to imagine a life of being accepted, to feel they have something to offer than just a walking-on-eggshells, repressed, and a silenced persona with no traits other than what other people give them in a hounding or bullying way. 

The other thing you get by continuing to focus on their better qualities is a better behaved child because they aren't as likely to get attention and reactions by "being bad".

A good paying career and better self esteem can also be a way not to "have to put up with" abuse and low self esteem entrapments, and teenagers are aware of this, at least on some level.

Again, their focus on the abuse at home hijacks their mind to think only in the present: how to deal with the abuse, how to defend themselves, how to get away from the abuse, how the abuse is making them feel "hunted down", how the abuse is continuing to make them feel in general (or destroy them - a lot of abused teenagers feel hollowed out). 

A lot of abused children also feel they are being treated as though they are much younger than their age. In other words, they are treated as though they are seven when they are seventeen. 

When you focus on the fact that they'll be adults in xx amount of years and that skills will help them to survive as an adult, it challenges them to look at themselves as 17 again, rather than as a child (it's an ingognito way of saying "You aren't seven any more, and I'm not treating you like you are seven.").

During school hours, they can start to imagine a future without emotional abuse, where they are in charge of their own lives, interests and ambitions if they are not too gripped with fear about what they will encounter at home.

If they felt competitive with the "favored sibling", I usually asked questions like this (mainly to teenagers): "Do you think your parents or a sibling set up a competition between you? Or is it something you actually and honestly feel is being generated in yourself?" I find that abused children really do not feel competitive, unless they feel they have a chance at some sort of advantage, and most of them don't. Possibly because the scapegoat role is a role which basically makes this clear: "You're the lowest on the hierarchy and I'm going to make sure that you stay there."

There are children who are so abused they don't even know that they are being set up to compete, who try to mediate and compromise a way forward instead so that both people are happy with the outcome. 

If they are from a narcissistic family, that just won't work.

If these teenagers did feel competition with a sibling, I told them that it could end by focusing on their own positive traits, talents, etc., and that it could be more of a choice of theirs on whether or what to compete about, or whether to distance themselves from the sibling. And guess what? When given that choice, most abused children prefer not to compete, and to distance instead. 

In fact, with teenagers in particular, I was focused on their adulthood a lot, and the temporariness of the teenage years. "You'll be out of here in two years, right? What skills would you like to acquire before leaving here so you can live your best life?" - I doubt that highly emotionally abused teenagers are asked these kinds of questions in their families, or even think about these questions. Again, their minds are hijacked with: "How do I keep safe? How do I get them to stop? What do I need to do to keep from being abused? How can I talk about the abuse without the abuse getting worse? I just wish they'd stop already."

Unfortunately, abuse escalates (usually no matter what).

I would like better emotional abuse laws in the USA, but for the meantime, we teachers only have present laws to work with.

Granted, school psychologists can make a big impact and should be part of any of these types of conversations, but since the USA has such poor emotional abuse laws, emotional abuse can go unaddressed aside from what schools can do to open up possibilities of a better future.

However, since abuse escalates, it's best to keep an eye on students who are emotionally abused, knowing that escalation is probably going to be going up. Once any physical abuse by siblings or parents start, then Child Protective Services will step in and give the family ultimatums, or take the child out of the home. Usually. So much depends on the state, the jurisdiction and the type of abuse taking place.

At any rate, before Child Protective Services can do anything (because of being hand-tied by present laws about emotional/psychlogical abuse even though emotional/psychological abuse is incredibly damaging and can have the longest effects), I felt duty-bound to help students who had the attitude of "I'm being told I'm nothing, so I guess I have no future." What a terrible thing to carry around in a place of learning skills, and a waste of human potential!

I think it is up to teachers that students see their potential and for students to reach goals they've set to be a highly functioning adult. 

Children should not be groomed to have a horrible self esteem, but tell that to any abuser. They don't care. Shame is what they prefer to dish out instead, and shame is what they will continue with. 

The best way for children to flourish and have a life that is meaningful, fulfilling, ethical and healthy is for them not to be abused. 

SOME FACTS AND WARNING SIGNS TO KEEP IN MIND

Characteristics of a family scapegoat

Characteristics of a child scapegoat with PTSD

How to tell if a child is being scapegoated in their family

Characteristics of abused children with very low self esteem

How to tell if a child is at risk for suicide

Abused scapegoat children often complain about favoritism of a sibling by a parent

Scapegoats often feel like they can't talk

Scapegoats often feel like they can't talk about the abuse they endure for fear of repurcussions

Scapegoats often feel they have to be silent about their pain

A radical drop in school grades is an indicator a child may be abused

Abused children often talk about the fact that they can't sleep

Abused childen often complain about stomach aches

Abused children often complain about headaches

Abused children often have a drastic change in weight

Abused children often complain about not feeling well

Abused children often seem distracted and confused

Abused children often appear as though they have learning disabilities

Abused children often cry easily

Abused children are often called crazy by their family

Abused children are often referred to as liars by their family

Abused children are often referred to as "too sensitive" by family members

Abused children often complain they are lonely

Abused children often complain they are being isolated from the family

Abused children can complain about neglect

Abused children may appear older than their age

Abused children cry more easily when they see pain in others

Abused children can suffer from a lack of identity

Abused children often show creative aptitude

A child who is crying from trauma is not the same as normal crying. How to tell the difference. 

Abusive parents often lack empathy

What are the signs of emotionally immature parents?

Can child abuse happen more easily with emotionally immature parents? 

Do a lot of immature parents have attachment trauma? Yes.

How to deal with emotionally immature parents - as a teacher

Dealing with difficult parents - for teachers

Dealing with a student's revelations about emotional or verbal abuse - for teachers

Dealing with a student's revelations about child abuse - for teachers

Six tips for teachers who see emotional abuse

Approximately 11 - 33% of girls are sexually abused before the age of 18. 

Approximately one in six boys is sexually abused before the age of 16. 

Approximately one in four children experiences some form of abuse or neglect over their lifetime

Infants and young children are at the highest risk for maltreatment and have the highest fatality rates from abuse

Fatal child abuse warnings

Article on: "Usually when there is favoritism of a child in a family, there is also a scapegoat child too" -  from Google AI copied in dark red (as of Nov. 2025; go through the link for present updates and articles):

Yes, favoritism in a family is often accompanied by a scapegoat, as these roles often coexist in dysfunctional family dynamics. In this pattern, one child is the "golden child," who is favored and praised, while another is the "scapegoat," who is unfairly blamed and criticized for the family's problems. This dynamic serves to project the family's issues onto one child while elevating another, creating a system where the scapegoat takes the blame and the golden child avoids it. 

Characteristics of the roles

The golden child

* Is favored and can do no wrong

* Has the family's hopes projected onto them

* May feel pressure to maintain their "perfect" status 

The scapegoat

* Is unfairly blamed and shamed

* Is often overlooked, dismissed, or disrespected

* May experience negative outcomes like low self-esteem or trauma 

Why this dynamic occurs

* Dysfunctional families: This pattern is common in families with dysfunctional or narcissistic parents who use favoritism to maintain control and project their own issues.

* Psychological projection: Parents may unconsciously project their own feelings of inadequacy or other undesirable traits onto the scapegoat child.

* Maintaining control: The scapegoating dynamic can be used to maintain control within the family and minimize the parents' own guilt or responsibility for negative events.

Hours after I posted the article above, I was given this new AI article, so it is good to go through the link I've provided if you really want more in-depth articles that are not just AI driven. Again, the same link: "Usually when there is scapegoating of a child in a family, there is also a favorite golden child too" - copied here again in dark red:

Yes, it is very common in dysfunctional families, particularly those with a narcissistic or emotionally immature parent, for the roles of a scapegoat child and a golden child to exist simultaneously. These two roles are often the inverse of each other and are essential for the family system to maintain its dysfunction. 

Here is how these roles typically relate:

* The Roles are Complementary: The golden child is idealized and can do no wrong, serving as an extension of the parent's ego and a source of pride (narcissistic supply). The scapegoat, conversely, is the recipient of all the family's negative projections, blame, and criticism. This dynamic allows the parents to avoid taking responsibility for their own issues, as the golden child makes them feel accomplished and the scapegoat allows them to ignore that they are the actual source of the family's problems.

* A Mechanism for Splitting: This dynamic is often a result of "splitting," a defense mechanism where the parent sees things as either "all good" or "all bad". The golden child receives the "all good" projections, while the "all bad" projections are cast onto the scapegoat.

* Pitting Children Against Each Other: Parents often triangulate the children, comparing the scapegoat unfavorably to the golden child ("Why can't you be more like your sibling?"). This creates conflict and rivalry between siblings, which helps the parent maintain control and remain the center of attention.

* Role Fluidity: While sometimes these roles are fixed for life, they can also be fluid and shift depending on who is currently pleasing or displeasing the parent. If a golden child asserts their independence or challenges the parent, they may quickly fall from grace and become the new scapegoat.

* Shared Harm: Both roles are harmful. The golden child lives with immense pressure to be perfect and often has an unstable sense of self, while the scapegoat suffers from low self-esteem, chronic shame, and is vulnerable to complex trauma. 

In essence, the presence of one role often necessitates the existence of the other to maintain the family's dysfunctional equilibrium.

Updated:
new article (12/23/25) fromThe New York Times called:
Do Parents Have Favorite Children? Of Course They Do.
And research shows the less favored children suffer for it. - by Teddy Rosenbluth
"Teddy Rosenbluth spoke to top favoritism researchers for this story. She is fairly certain she is not the favorite child."
(Note: this article is not about narcissistic family systems where favoritism tends to be much more "in your face" in terms of the unfavored child noticing severe differences, and even discards (discards meaning cruel, impulsive rejections). Rampant favoritism is also a given in narcissistic families, and a lot more research has been done on it than families without narcissism. In other families it is a lot more subtle, or not there at all. I grew up around plenty of my other peers that when I asked "Whose your mother's (of father's) favorite child?" they were shocked at the question and answered, "No one. Our parents love all of us. Why?" This article sheds some light on the more subtle displays of favoritism, like always spending the holidays with one offspring and their children).

FOUND ON FACEBOOK

Why "Obey Your Elders" Can Be Dangerous or Toxic

edited:
This is 9 year old Melina Galanis Frattolin
There was an Amber alert out on her disappearance, but she was found dead in Ticonderoga
just 14 hours after the alert was dispensed. 
Heartbreaking.

The police of Warren County, NY,  put out a statement on Monday, 7/21.
Her father, Luciano Frattolin was arraigned in court on 7/21.

If you have any information that you can add to this case, contact:
518 - 783 - 3211
NY police are also asking the public if they have any videos
or eyewitness accounts of a silver car travelling on I-87. If so call:
518 - 873 - 2750
or
crimetip@troopers.ny.gov

(photo from the Times Union and other publications circulating)

Since this post was originally about how "Obey your elders" can lead
to unwanted situations like predatory stranger abductions of children,
it will still be slanted that way.
However, since it has led to a homicide, allegedly by her father,
it deserves it's own post. I am waiting for more information
before I start writing that post, so in the meantime, this post is about
how "Obey your elders" can have detrimental effects like abductions.

Note, further edits in my post are in green

At around one forty five AM on July 20, my husband and I awoke to an Amber Alert that nine year old Melina Galanis Frattolin was abducted. She was reported to be last seen in a white van wearing the striped tee shirt you see here, with shorts and white Adidas sneakers, near exit 22 of I-87 near Lake George, NY. going south. 

That was the official story until it was redacted on Sunday, July 20, the following day. Apparently there were too many inconsistencies with father of Melina Galinas Frattolin. I think this timeline (published on July 21st, tells the initial first 48 hour story in the best way).    

Allegedly she was at a rest stop travelling south with her family and pulled into a white van by a stranger. Edited on 7/21: This was false information: she was with her father. They had both stopped in the city of Saratoga Springs to eat at a restaurant. Melina talked to her mother on the phone and said that she and her father were returning to Montreal (where she, her father, and mother lived). Shortly afterward she was found dead in a shallow area of a pond in the vicinity of Ticonderoga, NY, north of Saratoga Springs, NY). 

If the abduction had been true, it would be just one more rest stop incidence involving a crime (I have heard of more of these crimes effecting people I know personally over my lifetime than other places). However, most are deemed to be relatively safe, in terms of the traffic they receive, "the traffic they receive" is the mitigating factor as far as I'm concerned. 

Since this has turned into an active homicide investigation at this time involving her father instead of the Amber Alert we originally received on our phones, what I have to say for the rest of the post has to  be mitigated by that fact. 

However, it still holds true that whether it's your parent or a stranger, "Obey your elders" can take on a chilling effect. I have decided to keep the original text of my post as I still think it is relevant to the discussion, and add in more facts as the investigation unfolds in another post.  Note: links to articles on the beginnings of this case are located at the bottom of the page. 

ORIGINAL POST

Rest stops can be dangerous places because they are on super highways without any monitoring, and safety concerns are up to each motorist. For criminals, a super highway provides a quick get-away. For sadistic human predators it gives them more chances than most places to abduct the most vulnerable and innocent and get away fast from detection, consequences or, in some cases, being followed.

When I hear Amber Alerts on my phone, I am often reminded of the saying "Obey your elders." In this kind of situation, it's absolutely nuts to do so as "the elder" is an abductor. At the very least, it can be detrimental to one's own internal alert systems (dismantling your own intuition to follow an elder's orders). 

There are so many situations where it's just not wise to "go along to get along" with people who insist on obeying elders. I think we've all been around elders who didn't have our best interests at heart or were exploitive, or who were too self centered to listen to what we had to say even when we were hurt or it concerned a dire issue, or were too selfish to acknowledge that we had needs too, or were too gossipy and bullying for us to want to talk to them, or were too distracted with work or addictions to give us any relevant feedback, or were trying to seduce us in some way whether to their way of thinking or way of life, or to their fantasies, or their way of having control over us, or through trying to get us to do something we should not do. 

Being exposed to a lot of elders who are mean, or chronically rageful, or predatory, or exploitive, or liars, or jealous, or who try to force situations or relationships on us that are abusive or unsafe, or who have very little empathy can make some of us rebellious, or at least "not into listening to elders" in our childhood, and make us either too suspicious, or on the flip side, too trauma-bonded to adults, or too independent to take adults seriously - like trying to make adult decisions when we are 12 because we have parents who don't care about us either.

And by the way, scapegoats of narcissistic and psychopathic families can fall into any of these  categories. Sometimes your best safety plan when you are a child and you are trying to find a way to keep safe, and your parents are narcissists or psychopaths and don't care about you, is to either be adult-like, or a scrapper where you find resources, food or love other than from your family, or you get care and safety from other parents or adults, or find that being a total sycophant, even when you have drastically different thoughts of your own, seems to be the only way to keep from being abused. However in scapegoating families, the role of sycophant most often goes to the over-valued, over-rewarded golden child and not to a scapegoat, to the point where sycophancy is not even accepted by a scapegoat.  

Anyway, I went to Google Search and Google AI with why "obey your elders" can be dangerous, and this is what came up for the Google AI part of it (you can read all of the search results yourself ; the Google AI answer is written in dark red):

Dangers of unquestioning obedience to elders

While respect for elders is generally seen as a positive value, the notion of blindly "obeying" them can be dangerous and detrimental to an individual's development and well-being. Here's why:

1. Hinders critical thinking and independent decision-making
Unquestioning obedience stifles the development of crucial critical thinking and independent decision-making skills in children and young adults.
It encourages individuals to passively accept information and instructions, rather than engaging in thoughtful evaluation, which can hinder intellectual growth and make them susceptible to manipulation.

2. Potential for manipulation and exploitation
Dangerous individuals, including elders, can exploit children and young people who have been taught to obey without question.
Such individuals may struggle to identify and resist harmful requests or situations, potentially leading to abuse or exploitation, according to Parents.

3. Risk of perpetuating harmful practices or beliefs
Blindly adhering to the advice or directives of elders without critical evaluation can lead to the continuation of outdated, harmful, or unethical practices and beliefs within families or communities.
It can impede progress and limit opportunities for individuals and society to adapt to changing times and values.

4. Emotional and psychological harm
In some cases, demanding unquestioning obedience can be emotionally or psychologically harmful, especially if elders engage in abusive, manipulative, or controlling behaviors.
Being forced to comply with unreasonable demands can lead to feelings of resentment, fear, anxiety, and a diminished sense of self-worth.

5. Prevents individuals from setting healthy boundaries
Unquestioning obedience can make it difficult for individuals to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in their relationships with elders or other authority figures.
It can lead to sacrificing personal values, needs, and well-being for the sake of conforming to others' expectations.

Instead of unquestioning obedience, fostering an environment that encourages respectful communication, critical thinking, independent decision-making, and healthy boundary setting is crucial for the positive development of individuals and the establishment of healthy relationships between generations.

That is a pretty good explanation for why this phrase should be out-dated and sent into the history of stupid phrases that need to be replaced by something a lot more mindful. And while we are at it, The Silent Generation's phrase that "children should be seen and not heard" belongs in that same category (it sounds like a narcissist made up that phrase to promote child neglect, silencing of a younger generation, including silent treatments, invalidations, physical abuse and "know-it-all" elder behaviors thrust on a younger generation), which in turn created a huge generation gap between The Silent Generation and The Baby Boomer Generation, many of whom adopted the motto,  "Never trust anyone over thirty years old!". 

The end result was that the "silencer" part of the silent generation and the "need to talk to someone else other than my parents" part of the baby boomer generation seemed to be estranged in the sense that neither generation heard each other out on anything of much substance:
     "I can't talk to my old man. He's so sure of himself and he's terrible at listening. Every time I have something to talk about, he talks over me as though he has all of the answers. And he tells me to cut my hair as if a prejudice about long hair and the music we listen to is the real rift. He lives in a suburban fantasy that a lawn has to have no weeds in order for it to be acceptable. I'm not going to live that life. Boring and pointless. And he keeps saying, 'Obey your elders.' No thanks!" 
     "I can't talk to my son. So headstrong! He thinks having long hair and studying religious philosophy is going to get great results for him in life! He lives in a flower power fantasy about peace and love. This world has never been about peace and love! It's always been a dog-eat-dog world, full of wars and competition! And as soon as he realizes that, there's nothing to talk to him about. He can't respect the wise adage, "Obey your elders". He's determined to find out everything on his own. I can shout from tall buildings, and it's not making a difference! When he's poor enough and comes crawling back, maybe he'll understand I'm right, but until then, even grown children should 'only be seen and not heard'. I say, 'Good luck, son! You'll need lots of it!" 
     
And that's the problem with "Obey your elders" too. Not only does it promote arrogance by elders, an entitlement to "be obeyed", elder exploitations of a younger generation ("obey means you have to be my slave, or at least take a back seat to my importance and status because I'm in charge - still!"), and it gets carried way past childhood. Try past their adult child's 50th or 60th birthday even. 

No child who is an adult has to, or wants to, obey a parent or anyone else (unless they ask for it), when they are finding their own way in their twenties and thirties, settled down into their own routines and decisions in their forties and fifties, and getting Medicare and a Social Security check in their sixties, seventies and eighties. 

I think you can see how crazy "Obey your elders" can get, and especially when it is so self serving of the parent(s) or anyone else. And besides, very few grown up children are going to respect it. 

The worst part of "Obey your elders" is that it is also taken seriously and used ad nauseum by child abductors and child sex offenders. They'll use anything, and this phrase has a lot of power to it and is so  commonly used throughout society that an underage child is more likely to go along with it than reject it:

* "Didn't your parents or teachers ever tell you to obey your elders?"
* "Why wouldn't you trust me when everyone knows you should obey your elders?"
* "My van is white. That's the color of angels, God and clouds. What could possibly go wrong with riding in a magic van like that? Didn't your parents or teachers ever tell you to respect God and obey your elders?"
* "But your parents and everyone else told you to obey your elders. Why struggle to get away when most children accept that's the way it is?"
* "You don't know anything at your age. When you're my age, you know everything, and you need to know how to obey your elders so that you too can figure it out some day."

It takes on a chilling meaning when you look at it as the "child abductor's way" of getting victims. 

Instead of thoughtless memes like this, perhaps teaching children self defense, giving them a tiny tracking device somewhere on their clothes, or part of a plastic ring on their finger when they are traveling would be a better solution.   

I hope Melina will be found. I will re-visit this story for the latest updates. And I hope all of you will remember her picture in case you see her. Here she is again (I show her in a close up version of the picture above): 

Melina Galanis Frattolin

LINKS SINCE PUBLISHING

Father of girl found dead Sunday in Ticonderoga is in custody

The charges Luciano Frattolin faces were not immediately available but records show he was booked early Monday at the Essex County jail - by Mike Goodwin, Lauren Stanforth, Patrick Tine for The Times Union (July, 2025)
Note: This story said police ruled this case as a homicide, and that around 800 people called in with tips. She was found dead in Ticonderoga where a search team and a K9 unit concentrated their efforts to find her. The father is to be arraigned at 10:30 in Ticonderoga Town Court. 

Man Charged in Death of Daughter, 9, Reported Missing in Northern New York

On Saturday, Luciano Frattolin said that his daughter had been the victim of a possible abduction in Lake George, N.Y. On Monday, a day after her body was found, he was charged with second-degree murder. - by Johnny Diaz and Christine Hauser for The New York Times

9-year-old girl found dead after her father falsely claimed she was kidnapped in upstate New York: Police

Police said the girl was never abducted. - by Bill Hutchinson of ABC News (July, 2025)

Father arrested in New York in death of 9-year-old daughter he had reported missing

State Police said Luciano Frattolin reported the girl missing and possibly abducted on Saturday, leading officials to issue an Amber Alert to enlist the public’s help in finding her. - by The Associated Press for NBC News (July 21, 2025)

SHOCKING! Missing 9 Year Old Girl: Did Her Father Hide a Deadly Secret? - Untold Crimes and Affairs (You Tube) (July 21, 2025)

New York State Police speak after missing 9-year-old found dead; father arrested - Fox 35 Orlando (You Tube) ... The police appear at 6:53 in the video, report on the on-going case, and then take questions from the press. (July, 2025)

Missing girl Melina Frattolin found dead in NY; father charged - by Melina Khan for USA Today (July, 2025)

Cause of Death Revealed for Melina Frattolin, 9, as Father Faces Charges
A preliminary autopsy determined Melina Frattolin died of asphyxia due to drowning and her death - by Nicole Costa for People magazine (July, 2025)
excerpt:

     A preliminary autopsy completed by Dr. Michael Sikirica on Monday, July 21, determined Melina died of asphyxia due to drowning and her death was ruled a homicide, New York State Police announced in a press release on Tuesday, July 22.
     The final determination and report are pending further laboratory testing, state police said.

Girl Whose Father Was Charged in Her Death Was Drowned, Authorities Say

The body of Melina Galanis Frattolin, 9, of Canada, was found in Ticonderoga, N.Y., on Sunday, one day after her father falsely reported that she had been abducted, the police said. - by Neil Vigdor and Rylee Kirk for The New York Times (July 23, 2025)

Trial postponed for man accused of killing 9-year-old daughter - WRGB Staff writers, WRGB News (December 5, 2025)

Court document shows how police zeroed in on father Frattolin in Melina Fattolin case - by Patrick Tine for The Times Union (February 6, 2026)