An Update: Writing More Posts With Another Writer

Peep (not her real name) of the blog, Five Hundred Pound Peeps, and I will be publishing more posts together (this is her statement about that). The last post we published together was this one. 

We thought it might be more helpful for our readers. I do as much research and reading as I can on a topic, and she tells the personal side of the story. 

The next one in the series will be about rebellion and scapegoats. The title to mine is: "Are Scapegoats of Narcissistic Families Really Rebellious? Or Is It Just a Complaint by a Narcissist to Get the Scapegoat to Be More Submissive?" 

Another topic we will cover has to do with the positives and negatives of going "no contact" (dealing with family estrangement). I have shared a lot of personal stories of others in the post, A Psychologist Speaks Out About People Estranged From Their Family, and Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Speak Out About Suicidal Thoughts, Scapegoating, and Losing Their Entire Family of Origin, but I think this new post will add even more insights, especially details on positive aspects of going "no contact" as that one had a bit more to do with the negative aspects, and some anger towards narcissists. For instance, one of the more positive aspects is the ACON community (another link here, or try a twelve step group here, or go to your local domestic violence center and find a group there). I also offer some personal perspectives, and things I've tried, and things I would have changed in that post, and hers will be mostly about personal issues she has had with going "no contact." 

As you can tell, a lot of our posts are about scapegoats, and geared towards scapegoats and what they go through. We hope it is helpful to other scapegoats. 

Here are other topics we will be writing about in the future: 

* Do Scapegoats Really Resent the Golden Child? Or is it Just Something that Narcissists Make Up or Assume So That They Achieve Their Goals in Hurting the Scapegoat?

* Ways in Which the Scapegoat is Often Arm-twisted by the Family to Accept Bullying and Mobbing

* Muscle Aches and Pains When Traumatized from Abuse (with a Discussion on How Narcissists and Sociopaths Contribute to It)
     (note: this one requires a lot of study into the science of trauma and the physiological reactions to it in one's body, and some of it is hard for me to understand because I do not have a medical or science background - but it is interesting enough for me to pursue and hopefully explain it in a way that will be enlightening. It is one of the symptoms that can have a major impact on other organs of the body, causing more stress on the body, and once you have it, you have it in spades. It's hard to ignore, and if you aren't aware of conditions like Generalized Anxiety Disorder, you can think you have a bad case of Fibromyalgia or that you have a disease of the nervous system. It's systemic - every muscle is effected. It's one of the major physical symptoms, which many child abuse survivors experience along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It may take me awhile to publish compared to other posts, but it will hopefully be interesting to you as well as Peep's post where she will talk about when and how this set of symptoms came about, and her struggles with it on a personal level). 

Another post Peep has suggested to me is that we do one on "poverty and scapegoats". I think the way I'd like to tackle this is to get a lot of stories from scapegoats and to see if they went through a period of short term or long term poverty and if it is a common experience among them. My intuition would say yes, at least the ones who are either shunned (and I use the word "shunned" because narcissistic families are very cult-like - you aren't acknowledged in any way if they discard you - even the fact that you are alive is not acknowledged) or the scapegoat has left of their own accord.

I could also contribute to the discussion because I went through a period of poverty between ages 18 - 21 (and I had jobs during that period and at 19 was going to college full time too, and a story to tell about the bureaucracy hurdles of trying to get food stamps during that period). It was also a period of rampant sexism in America where young women made quite a bit less than men. Employers constantly told young female workers that they weren't going to get paid for extra work or overtime, and in my case, my boss withheld two weeks of pay because I was dating someone my boss thought I should marry. There was the constant "drone" that women had no place in the workplace and to get "hitched" and have babies instead. Young men made passes at you at work, and if you rejected their advances, they could lord it over you about the fact that they had more money, higher wages, and could get in higher positions over you, no matter how talented you were because no one liked "a pushy woman asking for a job." It impacted my life. 

I would like to do a post on scapegoats and sexism, and how many shunned or treated-like-a-minority scapegoats are vulnerable to sexual harassment, sexual abuse, sexual harm, sexual ostracism, being cheated on, and sexism. In terms of narcissistic families, I did hear somewhere that girls have a much higher rate of being scapegoated than boys do, as high as 13 - 1. If true, this may have to do with the fact that boys are favored in society too, or at least once were. We will see how a female politician fares against a male politician (but I would bet that if she does win, it is because women will go out in force to vote for her). 

At any rate, it is going to be harder for Trump to beat her with his usual insults and name-calling. Calling a woman "crazy", "lying", "nasty" and "stupid" is what domestic violence offenders call women. It is also what girls are often called too in child abuse situations. These are the most common words of violent perpetrators of women and girls at any rate. Perpetrators also indulge in false narratives and smear campaigns about women. It's going to cause any woman who has been called these names to vote for Kamala Harris (and I bet it would be significant numbers of them, at least that is what I predict from my mini corner of the planet).

If she does get elected, maybe it is a sign that "enough is enough" when it comes to male leaders and their agendas for women.

One of the reasons we are doing these posts together is to give you a wider breadth of a topic, what I have researched and discovered from hearing survivor stories, how it effected Peep on a personal level, and so that the most informed decision can be made, especially if you are a scapegoat of a family.

For instance, the most difficult and major choice you can make in your life if you are a scapegoat is whether to respond at all if you've been discarded or shunned by your family, what typically happens if you respond to a shunning, or if you've made the decision yourself to go "No Contact" after a life time of being treated like a second class citizen in the home and sometimes even in the world at large. That is one of the major topics we will be discussing.

Some other scapegoat posts I have written are listed HERE. 

Some Personal Gratitude to All Who Have Enlightened Me, and a Little on Why I Decided to Research Topics on Narcissism

This is a personal post for a change. And it comes with a picture I found on social media that grabbed my attention in a big way. 

(Whew! I had so many typos and rewrote this hours later!). To continue:

Most of my posts are research oriented and if you have been reading my posts, you know this.

But this one is about showing some gratitude to my readers and also the people who are in my present life, people who have informed me on this topic, and people who leave comments.

When I first started blogging, people weren't commenting much. I wrote anyway.

When I first started reading about this subject, it was the scariest, most depressing stuff I ever read. It wasn't something my 20 year old self would want to tackle at all. And yet, in some ways, I was writing about this quite a bit even then, only in short story formats.

My last post was about being silenced. But in the most silenced people, there is a story that needs to come out even if it is not in writing. It can be art, or dance, or even conversations with the most enlightened, or understanding people you've ever met. 

You walk around on eggshells for a co-worker, or parent, or partner, or sibling, and then after you can get away from it for any period of time, viola, you've made something out of the experience. 

For instance, a lot of my angel paintings were done during a time when the person I was attached to was not very angelic at all, for instance. I explored what it might be like to be angelic, to be thinking angelic thoughts. I thought about angelic intentions and intuitions. I thought about the mindset where you might think about angels in a lot of life situations and experiences, i.e. more than usual. Angels were the good people, or perhaps they were too good to inhabit a body, so they inhabited the spirit world instead, floating around mostly inaudible and unseen. Perhaps they didn't exist and perhaps they did. Perhaps it meant tuning in, such as you would a radio. Maybe they are stars that would blind us if we truly looked at them (so separate, but influential). Perhaps when you have really cruel people around you, your mind goes to angels so that the cruelty is not a constant reminder. Maybe, for me, I just didn't want to think about cruel people and what they tried to do to others, so the allure of traditional angels in their white gowns and soothing blue heaven with their ultra-compassionate energy and supernatural ability to read minds in an accurate way put me on that path for awhile. 

Most of all, this subject of narcissism that I write about is also about humans who are much more resistant to change than the rest of us, and really do not want to change, doubly scary and depressing. Dealing with the darker personality disordered means they are stuck with their personality disorder and you are stuck with it yourself if you are in their life in any way, whether that be at work, school roommates, your parents, your siblings, schoolyard bullies you barely know, or your friends. You come out of these relationships feeling like you've had the worst experience of your life, exhausted and sometimes sick, often with your life totally turned into tatters. You even wonder why all of their provocations and desire to hurt others were so necessary for them because they don't exactly seem better off for having gone that way; they seem worse off. 

Most of us find out that they have hurt a lot of people if you dig deep enough. And often they hurt them in the same way too. 

I mean, really. Why is it all so necessary for them?

"The necessary part" is the personality disordered part of them going to work, emanating from thoughts and desires of wanting to punish or bully. That's all. If you had narcissistic personality disorder, you'd be expressing things the same way they do. You'd probably be insulting and gaslighting others a lot. You'd be enraged if someone got an award that you think you should have been given. You would hate anyone who looked at you cross-eyed or who criticized you in the slightest. You'd want power, and you'd think you deserved it, and because you think you are superior to just about everyone on the planet, you would think it was owed to you. You'd be lecturing people a lot at the very least. And if you were Antisocial personality disordered too, you'd be a control freak and trying to take from others as much as you could get away with. You'd rationalize any sort of entitlement to other people's belongings, or their job, or their spouse, and you'd be planning on how to take from others, no matter the circumstances. And afterwards you'd have no remorse, as hard as that is to fathom. 

If you were narcissistic and antisocial personality disordered, and you were in charge of a country, you'd want to invade countries without provocation, to take as much as you could possibly get, and if you couldn't, you'd want to destroy countries they live(d) in. Most of your thoughts would be consumed with how much you could get, in fact. Building up an army and an arsenal of weapons would be paramount in your thoughts. You'd be trying to influence other leaders with charm, some trading of goods and raw material, some purchases of weapons, maybe even some minor gifts, while Machiavellian-like you'd be working on plans which only suited you, and you'd also be spending an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out which lies or gaslighting strategies would keep you in power for as long as you want, and getting rid of enemies who criticize you or your ambitions. 

Why is it necessary, or even wonderful to them, to invade countries, take away people's land and homes, and torture them? Why is "man's inhumanity to man" still even on the radar of human activity and consciousness?

This is the kind of thinking that this subject requires, however. 

Otherwise, to a rational, empathetic person without a personality disorder, it makes no sense. And very few people are going to tell you it makes sense unless they are one of them, or enabling the behavior, kind of the way people can enable the terrible behaviors of alcoholics with domestic violence tendencies: "Oh, he was just drunk! He never meant it! Just forgive him already! He didn't know what he was doing, get it?" 

I was lucky early on to have a friend whose family is full of therapists walk me through everything that was said and done to explain how the personality disorder was speaking through that other person. 

I was lucky in high school to have a best friend who was living through similar circumstances I was going through, and offer solace and so much more perspective than I ever could on my own. 

Eventually there was so much knowledge at my feet, that writing about this subject became as "necessary" to me as all of the narcissists that perpetrate attacks on other individuals. I hope this knowledge provides some good defense strategies against narcissistic attacks, at least internally, at least in knowing that their way of thinking and feeling is never going to be the way that you think and feel. With the lack of empathy and lack of understanding that narcissists have in spades, they will not understand who we are, and unless we study their abuses and tactics, and why they all tend to use the same ones, we will never understand them either. 

If we imagine an organ in our body that has gone numb, that's what they are dealing with in terms of their lack of empathy. 

Anyway, your comments do help me to plunge forward into more and more discoveries. The fact that silent treatments that are long, confusing to most of us, and are meant to punish, are primarily found to be perpetrated by dark triad individuals (narcissists with antisocial personality disordered traits). It is the latest news about this subject, and nothing that I would normally find unless I was plugged into this topic. I had to pass it on to my readers.

It means you don't have to scratch your head if you get a punishing silent treatment, or try to figure out how to resolve it, or spend lots of time on what was said that could have set it off. It's just another narcissistic-sociopathic punishment at work, period. It's part of their "arsenal of weapons", if you will. 

It also means, in the end, that it's something that is pretty exclusive to them.  

The other side to this is that most of us are not equipped to deal with punishing silent treatments, just as most of us cannot live with active alcoholics who perpetrate domestic violence. And especially if it was done more than once. It's going to turn most of us into "runners" in terms of getting away from them. We know that too from the Gottman Institute because of the research that they'd done on this phenomenon, and that psychologists and psychiatrists have tried in similar experiments, to see if they came up with the same conclusions. Yes. 

Who knew that an aggression and responses to the aggression were so predictable? It takes research, and has to include people who bring these subjects to the public. 

So, to get back on topic, the comments keep me going forward.

I found out that a friend on Facebook had been reading my blog in the first years after I started it with the words "narcissists in the workplace" in a search engine. At first she didn't recognize that the article she was reading was from me. I have another life as a visual artist, and that was how she knew me, so she did not make the connection at first. And then she saw one of the art works I made on Facebook, and immediately recognized it and responded.

From searches, to trying to find out ways to heal from narcissists, people have been showing up.

So thank you!  

I do have another life away from this blog, and since I was inspired by the picture above, I decided to write about my own life in those terms too: 

     For me life is very much an artistic journey, whether I'm drawing and painting, putting designs on doors in my house, writing, and even my cooking mostly gets a creative spin on it and is different every time.
I feel lucky that I can look at everything as a creative project. Even my marriage is chock full of creative endeavors, a lot of intelligent thought and perspectives being put into experiences and projects we share together and apart, and we never run out of things to talk about. It's pretty much always a fascinating journey with him, very rarely mundane. And best of all, we are allowed to be ourselves, to be fully loved for who we are. Never under-estimate a good marriage, I say. We didn't start out this way (it was rocky and tentative at first), but I think the fact that we are both creative and share so many interests, and really appreciate what each other does, it's a dream to wake up each day with each other.
My life has had a lot of hurts in it, too many really, but even that gets a creative work-over with artistic expression, marriage, and even healing has its creative off-the-beaten-path avenues.

featured:

a painting I did last year that seemed appropriate to how I feel this year:

purchase a print or card if you want to