abuse and walking on eggshells, being ultra careful about what you say

art by Lise Winne, quote by Robert Davis, LCSW

If you are in a healthy relationship, you will know it, because you can say anything you want to say, as long as it is not abusive or untrue. Also what you say will be respected and heard.

If you are in a dysfunctional or toxic relationship, you will not be able to speak about a huge range of subjects, even if they are true and are not abusive. In addition, you will be expected to go along with lies. What you say will not be heard and it will not be respected. Furthermore, when you speak about anything they don't like, you risk being abused, rejected, betrayed and/or raged at from your abuser. You are lectured to, rather than the conversation being about understanding or enlightenment about different perspectives.

According to Wikipedia "Walking on Eggshells" means:

1. (idiomatic) To be overly careful in dealing with a person or situation because they get angry or offended very easily; to try very hard not to upset someone or something.
2. (idiomatic) To be careful and sensitive, in handling very sensitive matters.

Abuse always seems to be accompanied by the "walking on eggshells" phenomenon.

Abuse wouldn't be abuse without victims being expected to walk on eggshells and being afraid that their abusers will strike against them at any moment.

Who among us survivors hasn't gone through "punishments" because we said something the abuser did not like, or because we failed to say something, or because we grimaced or rolled our eyes in such a way that our abusers felt enraged?

To top it all off, most of us weren't even trying to hurt them or enrage them, and so we find ourselves confused ("Why is this happening? Why are my words being interpreted so darkly?" and so on). We find we are "walking on eggshells" most of the time when we are around them -- in order to keep the peace.

What is really going on in abusive situations where you are required to walk on eggshells is that the abuser wants to try to create peace and harmony in their lives, for themselves, at the expense of you. Some of the phrases abusers use are: "Can't I have just a little peace already?", "Why do you create so much drama? I just want peace!", "I want peace in my life, but you are the impediment to that." Then when you are deemed to ruin their sense of peace and tranquility, they punish you for it (whether that be verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse or financial abuse).

Requiring you to walk on eggshells around their highly sensitive feelings and explosive natures is also about trying to control you, and in this case it is about trying to control how you view them and how you talk to them. If you listen to them carefully, they will be giving you lectures and instructions on what is acceptable to them in terms of your speech. Most victims of abuse soon find out that most subjects of conversation become slowly and methodically taken away. The only subjects left seem to be flattery of them, telling them that they are always right, promoting the abuser, making excuses for the abuser and doing/saying what the abuser wants and expects. It is the main way that abusers get other people to give into them. Yes, they are game-players who feel that they must always and unequivocally win, and in the end, dominate.

It is, at its core, an arm-twisting tactic: "Only speak in the way I want you to speak or you will be punished". They provide the code of conduct that you are to perform for them (and age is not a limit: they talk down to grown-ups as much as they talk down to little children). They expect you to follow their code of conduct when it comes to relating to them, but they almost never use their own code of conduct themselves (abuse is, after all, an obvious anti-code of conduct, plus most abusers are hypocrites).

So, in this way, what they are doing is like stealing. Your need for peace and contentment is expected to be totally sacrificed for their need of peace and contentment.

Believe it or not, abusers enjoy "their subjects" walking on eggshells. Yes, most of them view themselves as kings and queens who will get things done if they just shout down at people enough. If their subject is recalcitrant, they will shut them out instead. They use intimidation, threats, temper tantrums, maneuvers, betrayal, emotional blackmail, back-stabbing and triangulation to get people to capitulate to them in terms of enforcing "the walking on eggshells expectations".

Again, this demand that you "must walk on eggshells for me and be hyper-sensitive to any hint of criticizing me, and any other easily bruised feelings I may have -- or else" is a quality peculiar to abusers (who overwhelmingly tend to have Cluster B personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder -- see my post on what abuse is and who it is perpetrated by).

Walking on eggshells feels a little like dancing on hot coals (trying to keep your feet up in the air enough so that the coals don't burn you). The abuser is the one who keeps shoveling more and more hot coals for you to dance on.

The hot coals represent what you can't talk about without getting burned, and the number of hot coals increases over time.

This serves several purposes: To make sure you are a 100 percent loyal subject/servant, to test how much rage and taking away of your freedom of speech that you will endure just to be in a relationship with them, and to conveniently find a reason, any reason, to escalate abuse.

Insisting that others walk on eggshells is premeditated, and therefor evil. It is just as malevolent as gaslighting, and is usually used in tandem with gaslighting. It is insidiously cruel, and for many victims, the rage and ensuing abuse they endure from it is initially shocking and confusing. Over time, most victims find there is no room in their mutual relationship with the perpetrator for their own views, perspectives, truths and experiences. It whittles away at their person-hood, their very presence in the relationship. 

Over time, it can and does cause PTSD too.

What are some instances of walking on eggshells in abusive situations? I have three to show you. One features a husband and wife, the next features a mother and daughter, and the last features a family scapegoating one child.

1.

A man tells his wife that he will be home at 5:00. He comes home at 6:00 instead. The following conversation ensues between husband and wife:

wife: I thought you were coming home at 5:00. What happened?

husband: I never said that! I said I'd be home at around 5:00. 6:00 is around 5:00 if you hadn't noticed.

wife: Well, to me, an hour later is not around 5:00. 

husband: Are you going to harangue me about the time? What's the matter with you? Do you have so much to do that I can't be an hour late? You really are trying to drive me nuts with this, aren't you? (getting testy): You're really trying to drive me over the edge. I'm warning you: you are provoking me!

wife: How did we get to the point of me trying to provoke you? I was just defining it, that's all ---

husband: (interrupting): You know what you think of yourself as? My boss! You think you can boss me around you little twerp! You think you can snap your fingers and say "5:00" and that I'll come running! But let me set you straight just in case you think you can pull that BS on me! 

wife: What?! Now you're really making up things to --

husband: (interrupting): Oh, so now you're going to call me crazy!? Just for that I'm not going to tell you when I'm coming home! I'll never tell you again, in fact! How do you like them apples?!

wife: How did we get to defining what late or around 5:00 means, to all of this? Please stop this!

husband: Forget it! You aren't going to have a husband at 5:00 or 6:00 or at any time! You've pushed me over the edge with this, and with your insanity! And I swear to God, if you continue with this, I'm gonna smack you in the jaw! Is that what you want? A nice big bruise to your jaw?

wife: Please stop this! (runs over to husband to hug him, but he throws her on the floor). 

husband: Look at you! You look pathetic! I used to think you were attractive, but no matter what you say, it is ALL ugly! It is ALL ugly little lies that you like to spread about me! Everything you say is one big fat lie, you evil little bitch! Don't ever tell me what I said again, do you hear me? I tell you what I said, and you believe it! And I'm not punching some clock at home!

wife: (cries on the floor)

husband: Next you're going to say why am I so mean to you? Right? Like it's my fault that you interpreted it as 5:00! Right, bitch? Right, bitch? Get up off the floor, and face the music, bitch! (gives her a little push with his foot)

wife: I suppose I should have said nothing.

husband: No, what you say is: "You came home when you said you'd come home: at around 5:00. I'm so thankful that you're home, sweetie." But no, you're too uppity for that, you ungrateful bitch! You can't appreciate someone who comes home to you, at any hour, so I'm leaving for the night. 

wife: So you want me to walk on eggshells and be careful of every little thing I say?

husband: Just think about it: if you hadn't said what you said, we would be having dinner together, but because you were a bitch, and ungrateful, I'm going out, and I'm going to think about whether I'm ever going to come back! And I'll also consider how much money of mine you'll deserve in a divorce. Not much, I'm afraid. You can stay here all night, sniveling on the floor, and think about what you have done, because that is what you deserve! (kicks her in the back)

Notice how he escalates it all. Almost all abuse escalates whether it is over a matter of minutes or over a matter of many years.

The wife in this situation really cannot say much of anything without risking enraging her husband, so many women in these situations go silent. 

Besides the wife having to walk on eggshells, notice:

* the blame-shifting and making it seem that she brought on the abuse by talking about the time

* the verbal abuse ("bitch", "evil little bitch", "little twerp", )

* the circular conversation and word salad arguments

* expecting perfectionism in words and deeds

* the threats

* the silent treatment (walking away) 

* telling her what she thinks and feels and what her plans are (this is what he makes up about her, and usually it is mostly a matter of the abuser projecting)

* defining her in a vilifying way (calling her evil, perceiving her as evil)

* notice how he treats her like a child who needs to be punished

* notice the interrupting 

* notice the lectures and imperious tone

* notice the common phrase that most abusers use: ungrateful

* notice the physical abuse: throwing her on the floor, taunting her with his foot, kicking her on his way out.

* notice the financial abuse (threats about money) 

* notice the gaslighting (making it seem that she is at fault for "provoking him": the "she made me do it" excuses that abusers are famous for, telling her that she is insane)

* and last, but not least, notice the lack of empathy (what most abusers are famous for)

2.

Here is one between a mother and daughter. These are actual screen shots of phone texting, but I have blocked out names in Photoshop. The daughter is telling her mother about a party for her toddler and telling her mother she is invited. However, the mother feels she is in competition with her mother-in-law (narcs are usually very competitive jealous people where they feel they deserve to come first, or have the right to decide who is invited and who is not):

It is amazing how an innocent invite can turn into this, isn't it? In order to make her daughter feel guilty, the mother refuses to go. This is very, very common narcissistic mother behavior, by the way. The daughter came to the forums asking us for advice. It seems very clear to most of us that however the daughter responds, it may be "the wrong thing" in the mother's eyes (narcs tend to be a Princess and the Pea, and get enraged over just about anything that is said or not said). What is more, they have been known to try to make their daughters believe they are responsible for causing this big mother-daughter rift.

The mother may give the daughter the silent treatment over this episode, and is giving her a veiled threat of it. The mother may also withdraw help, withdraw love, tell her daughter to "get everything you need from your mother-in-law. I'm done!" The mother may insinuate that she will only stop the silent treatment when her mother-in-law is out of the picture (permanently dis-invited). This is all too familiar to survivors of child abuse.

This text and story is also a good example of perfection in abusive relationships and erroneous blaming. It is also an isolation tactic (trying to isolate her daughter from having a relationship with her mother-in-law). All of these can be categorized as abuse.

3. 

A girl who is 11 (Angela) comes home from school and her brother who is 10 (Craig), throws a bunch of Styrofoam peanuts over her head as she walk through the door. He laughs at her surprise. She tries not to react and quickly heads outdoors, but is followed by him. 

Craig: I surprised you, didn't I? Admit it. (he laughs and points his finger at Angela, but she doesn't react)

Craig: Oh, so you are going to ignore me and pretend that it didn't happen? Just for that, I'll tell Mom that you did it! And we know how Mom is: she'll take my side! And you know it! (laughs out loud, pointing his head to the sky and doing a little dance)

He knows he is getting to Angela, because her shoulders hunch and she looks depressed.

Craig: Mom knows how crazy you are because she says it all of the time! (he walks up to Angela and tries to trip her)

Angela: Stop it, you little brat! 

Craig: Calling me a little brat now, are you? Well, just for that, here's this! (he runs towards her and punches her hard in the stomach. She doubles over and falls to the ground, lying there for awhile).

Mother: What is going on here? You both need to come back to the house. (Craig runs up to the house, but Angela is hurt so she walks slowly, clutching her stomach).

Mother: Oh, so much drama. Why are you holding your stomach?

Angela (upon approaching the door): You know why. You had to have seen it. He punched me in the gut.

Mother: I didn't see any such thing.

Craig: Mom, she punched me in the gut, so now she is pretending that I punched her in the gut. You know how she is.

Angela: No, Mom, he's lying.

Mother: Angela, go to your room!

Angela: Why am I always the one who is punished?

Mother: Because you're older and should know better.

(Angela heads off to her room and then the mother visits her there eventually)

Mother: Okay, so you punched him in the gut, and left those peanuts all over the floor. First you are going to clean them up and then next you are going to apologize to your brother.

Angela: But Mom, I didn't do it! I swear I didn't do it! Why won't you believe me? Didn't you see any of it?

Mother: No, I didn't. But I know who you are. Don't think you can fool me!

Angela: But Mom!! (she starts to cry and her mother doesn't comfort her).

Mother: You know what irritates me? All of this crying! You cry over everything! As if I'm this terrible, terrible mother! Well, I don't buy it! You want something to really cry about? (takes a toy off of Angela's shelf and smashes it).

Angela: (screams as if she has lost a long lost friend -- focuses her attention on the damage to the toy)

Mother: You know what you're going to do? You are going to clean up all of those peanuts, and you are going to put them in a trash bag, and put the trash bag in the garbage can, and you are definitely going to apologize to your brother. Then you are going to go right to your room every time you return home. This will be your punishment for a week. This is so you will stop making trouble with your brother and so that you will have time to think about how you are acting. Let's get going."

Angela: I want my father!

Mother: Your father is not going to rescue you! (laughs)

Tim, another sibling comes into the room. He is usually very silent, almost monotone, and unmoved by the struggle between mother and daughter. He asks if he can have a glass of milk, and the mother gives permission and he leaves. The mother nudges Angela, and Angela partially fights back by sprawling on the floor so she is like a dead weight. 

Mother: I'm warning you! I'm not going to drag you, but I WILL kick you if you proceed with this, so make up your mind about what you are going to do!

Angela gets up and puts the peanuts in a bag, takes them to the garbage can, and whispers "I'm sorry" to Craig. 

Mother: What's that now? I didn't hear it!

Angela: Sorry! But I still didn't do it!

Craig: Look, Mom, how she tries to get away with it! Look at how much of a liar she is! She even looks evil!

Angela: I'm angry because I didn't do it!

Mother: Yes, you did! (walks to the doorway and shouts down the hallway). Tim, come up here!

Tim: (he shows up in the bedroom) What do you want?

Mother: Do you see how she is acting? This is what I don't want! If either one of you act like this, this is what will happen. You will be sent to your room and you will stay there. Do you both hear me? 

Tim: Yea, I know. She's always in trouble.

Craig: Not just in trouble, she's horrible!

Mother: Okay, that's enough, Craig. You can leave now. I want you to hit the books.

Craig: Oh, of course! Thanks, Mom! I was just planning on it! (gives Angela a little knowing smile, runs down the hall with enthusiasm with Tim following) 

Mother: You see, if you acted more like him, then we'd get along a lot better too. This isn't doing you any good at all, but I suppose you'll have to learn about it in time. 

Angela: (rolls her eyes)

Mother: Don't you dare roll your eyes at me! You need to be quiet and contemplate what you've done! It's a wonder I haven't smacked you silly for that look! You are lucky I have a cool head and that I'm smart! If I wasn't educated on child rearing, you would be so bludgeoned right now! So count yourself lucky! (shouting): But, you will get to your books now!

Angela: Mom, I just want to say (looks frightened) ... never mind.

Mother: Never mind is right! Get to the books!

Hours later the father comes home.

Father: (talking to wife): Why is Angela in her room again?

Mother: She misbehaves. I try and try and try, and it is exhausting, but she just won't listen. She insists on starting trouble, so she is paying the consequences yet again!

Father: I don't like it that she's in her room again. I just don't see where you are having so many problems with her. I just never see it.

Mother: That's because you are away. Believe me, she starts it with everyone around here.

Father: Well, I don't like it that she's in her room all of the time. I'll take care of this situation now that I'm home.

Mother: That's the problem with you. You always undermine me!

This is absolutely terrible parenting, by the way. It is also typical of toxic abusive families. It is what happens in scapegoating. 

Angela would be the one who is blamed and punished for the transgressions of her brother and her mother. Angela has no voice, as well as no power to influence the outcome, so her victimization goes unnoticed by the whole family. Only her father seems to treat her with some consideration, though he is caught in the matrix of the family dynamic the mother is insisting on, and is trying to get him to adopt via persuasion. 

This is also not typical parenting. It is exclusive to parents who are addicts, Borderline, Narcissistic or Sociopathic. Favoritism among children is abusive because over half of families who practice scapegoating and favoritism end up in this way. The golden child in this situation becomes duplicitous, is allowed to be an authority on the truth, while the scapegoat is not. He is also a bully, while the scapegoat is continually silenced, gang-bullied and expected to endure it all (see my post on favoritism in the family). 

If Child Protective Services never catches on, this sibling and parenting dynamic can, and does, continue throughout adulthood, or until the parent dies. 

In terms of walking on eggshells, the scapegoat is heavily, heavily burdened with it. The other children aren't, so they never see the perspective of the scapegoat, and many of them don't care to. They go along with the perception of the parent that the scapegoat is a trouble-maker. Scapegoats really aren't considered at all in the family unit (they can easily be forgotten, even, especially if they have gone quiet). They are barely regarded as people with feelings, even, they are so vilified. Many scapegoats give up on talking about their victimization because it does no good within the family unit, and in fact, it is made known fairly early on that talking about it is a detriment in terms of escalating more "punishments". They grow up feeling that they are flawed, that their looks are flawed (from hearing too many times: "I should smack you silly for that look!" or "You need to be punished for that look!" or "Look at her! She's horrible!" or "She even looks evil!"). In these situations, most children understand that how the child acts towards the mother becomes more important than how the mother acts towards the child. 

Many scapegoats are extremely pressured to flatter, or to at least to talk well of their abusive parent, even with this dynamic going on!

For this reason, many scapegoats find the family situation unbearable. Suicide rates and addiction rates are high for scapegoats. Adult scapegoats are also often treated as pariah by their offending parent (dis-invited to special family events, ignored, taunted, goaded, lectured to constantly, expected to be a Cinderella, insulted, left out, and so on). The family is also brainwashed to see them as hopelessly recalcitrant.

Tim, the sibling who doesn't talk much, most resembles "The Lost Child" in family systems theory. More on the lost child in another post.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO ABOUT THIS SITUATION?

So what should you do: walk on eggshells or not walk on eggshells? And if you don't try as hard as possible not to be ingratiating, how bad will the punishment be? 

My answer to that is: only you can decide which way to go with this. My advice: "safety first" and to contact a domestic violence counselor. 

Remember that abuse escalates (gets worse over time, and can sometimes be life threatening no matter what you do or don't do), so most victims choose to get out, whether sooner or later. Abuser's lack of empathy also tends to get worse over time. The relationship between you is likely to be only about the abuser, their perspectives, their relationships, their deeds, their illnesses, their accidents and their agendas. Yours will most likely take a back seat or diminish altogether, to the point where you may feel you are non-existent to this person. It is an insecure place to be. In addition, they are likely to expect that only they will matter to you too, that you will sacrifice yourself for them. You become, what is termed as "voiceless" and slave-like. Abusers also tend to be much more jealous than the rest of the population, and intensely jealous people tend to intentionally hurt other people (a lot of them indulge in revenge fantasies and strategizing).

You will have to determine whether you can take any more of it, and if not, how to get out of it. Again, contacting a domestic violence center can help in terms of giving you options.

FURTHER READING:

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder / Edition 2 -- book by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder -- a Psych Central article by the same previous authors

How Not To Walk On Eggshells Around Emotional Abusers -- by Annie Kaszina, Ph.D.

Quiz: Are You Walking on Eggshells in Your Relationship? Part 1 -- by Neil Rosenthal, licensed marriage and family therapist

Emotional Pollution in the Home: Walking on Eggshells -- a Psychology Today article by Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

Are You Emotionally Abusive? -- another Psychology Today post by Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

Helping Clients Move Through Partner Emotional Abuse -- by Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, MEd

7 Signs You’re Sharing Your Bed with a Narcissist -- by Clinton Power, psychotherapist, for the Australian site, Clinton Power and Associates

WALKING ON EGGSHELLS EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE -- from the Australian site, Violence Hurts 

NO MORE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS: Domestic abuse survivors write haunting messages about their experiences on cracked egg shells to promote White Ribbon Day -- a UK art project by many survivors of abuse 

Walking on Eggshells -- a personal story from the blog, The Narcissist's Wife

Walking on Eggshells -- another personal story from a survivor of Narcissistic abuse

MARTHA’S STORY: A LIFETIME OF WALKING ON EGGSHELLS -- a DVD of a domestic abuse survivor by Terra Nova films

8 Reasons Arguments Escalate -- by Aaron Karmin (for Psych Central)

The Keys to Conflict Resolution -- by Aaron Karmin (for Psych Central)

here is a long video by Dr. Judy Rosenberg, Ph.D. on the subject:

why abusers who punish use the ungrateful phrase

Updated 11/12/23
and 12/10/23 to include videos below

One of the major signs that you are dealing with either a narcissist or a sociopath is the phrase "You're ungrateful". This is especially likely if they are using it in tandem with abuse. The abuse can be verbal (insults, mocking, degrading, name-calling, raging at you), emotional (silent treatments, "punishing adults", gaslighting, slander, bullying, shaming), physical (pushing and shoving, unwanted touch, breaking property), financial or sexual -- please go here to learn more of what constitutes abuse.

It is one of the most common phrases abusers use to criticize and confuse their victims. They like to use it because, in their minds, it seems to excuse their abuse of you, while, at the same time, gives them an excuse to abuse.

People who have narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder are not only more likely to use the phrase, but they are more likely to use it frequently as well. This phrase accomplishes a number of things for them, which I will get to later.

Narcissists always need outside validation and enmeshment with their victims. If they feel that their victims are pulling away from them, or not sharing information with them, or are even slightly mistrusting of them, or if they feel they are losing power and control over their victims, they have temper tantrums by pulling a silent treatment (usually). As soon as they initiate the silent treatment, the "You're ungrateful phrase" usually comes up. Note the silent treatment is abuse. More here.

Malignant narcissists (those with sociopathic tendencies) are driven to feel more powerful than others around them. They insist on being authorities, and they are known to be patronizing and imperious in their speech. While narcissists are determined to keep a good image despite the destruction they do to others in their lives, sociopaths don't care about being popular so long as they feel they are manipulating people around them to give them something, so malignant narcissists are in between.

In order for narcissists and sociopaths to manipulate effectively, most of them are pathological liars and hypocrites to get what they want. Not all of them are physically abusive, but they are a lot more likely to be physically abusive and to break the law than the run-of-the-mill kinds of narcissists.

The difference between sociopaths and malignant narcissists from run-of-the-mill narcissists is that sociopaths and malignant narcissists are sadists. They enjoy threatening others, upsetting others, getting a rise out of others emotionally, they enjoy "punishing" victims for not doing what they want and they enjoy seeing their victims suffer from the consequences of investing in a relationship with them, and believing in them. Their major characteristic is a complete lack of empathy. They feel that they are admired regardless of how abusive they are. It is when they are "punishing" their victims that the "ungrateful phrase" comes out.

In contrast, normal adults, use the "ungrateful phrase" rarely, and they certainly don't like to see it used, or use it themselves in power struggles and abuse.

The phrase is an attempt by those who have personality disorders to manipulate, to confound, to disorient and to "manage down the relationship" with a victim of abuse. It is a way to make a victim feel indebted to the abuser and to excuse the abuse because of "the debt".

It also usually comes with incredible pressures to adopt toxic positivity (and in this case it would be to deny that you are hurt and that you find something in the situation to be grateful about instead). When you are dealing with toxic, abusive people, it is dangerous to deny what is happening. In the long run, it just doesn't work. In fact, they can, and do become more abusive when you deny your pain, and you become traumatized. 

According to author and professor Preston Ni (from this Psychology Today article):

Another way narcissists manipulate is through guilt, such as proclaiming, “I’ve given you so much, and you’re so ungrateful,” or, “I’m a victim—you must help me or you’re not a good person.” They hijack your emotions, and beguile you to make unreasonable sacrifices.   

At its core it is a diverting tactic; it takes away any discussion and acknowledgement of how a victim feels: hurt, in pain, sacrificed, belittled, insulted, etc. In order for the abuser to not feel that he is at all culpable for causing trauma, or owes his victim anything, he shifts the burden on to his victim instead,  telling the victim "You are ungrateful" as a way to expunge himself from any wrongdoing or culpability. In other words it is a ploy at turning the guilt away from the perpetrator(s) back on to the victim (blame-shifting away culpability is classic narcissistic personality disordered behavior, as well as antisocial personality disordered behavior). It is designed to cause shame -- trying to make the victim appear guilty and at fault, which, unfortunately works on children, even if it does not work on adults. It is also designed to cause confusion too, i.e. victims ruminate on the allegation: "Did I, in any way, cause this abuse to happen? Did I act ungrateful?". Its main purpose and design is to get victims to feel guilty and apologize to people who treat them badly.

As for "managing down the relationship", this means the abuser is trying to groom the victim to accept less and less good behavior, in bits and pieces, until the victim feels "grateful" for any crumbs at all. In these situations, the abuser uses the term "You are ungrateful" a lot. Indeed, it can be highly effective if the victim is a child, or he has more of a propensity to self reflect than to think about the agenda of the abuser.

Abusers of all kinds use the phrase so consistently that they are predictable: first: they abuse; second: the victim confronts the perpetrator about the abuse; third: the abuser justifies his actions and says "You're ungrateful", which is just another way of saying "you brought this upon yourself," another common phrase among abusers.

Most abusers treat their victims so deplorably, so unthinkingly, that go on for weeks, months or years, that many victims have plenty of time to ruminate about the allegations of "being ungrateful". Most will usually come to a point where they realize that their abusers accusations have always been projection.

And believe me, they are projecting.

I'll tell you why they are.

First off, your abuser is showing you that he is the one who is ungrateful about you, and his relationship with you. He is showing you that you don't matter to him, nor does he care about hurting you, not the other way around.

All abusers tell you what they think and feel by telling you what you think and feel. That is how you tell what their motivations are and what they are planning and thinking. If they tell you that you are evil, and planning evil deeds against them, what is really happening is that they are evil and planning evil deeds against you (time to take cover, and get protection). If they tell you that you are poison, they are poison, and mean to poison you and your life.

And, yes, it goes for gratitude too. If they tell you that you are ungrateful, what they are really saying is that they are ungrateful.

This makes them very easy to read in terms of their intentions (if you see their accusations as projections). Since narcissists and sociopaths only care what their own feelings and thoughts are, they cannot know yours, and they rarely ask, and if they do ask, they think you are lying. It is because they lie so profusely. So that leaves them no other choice than to project. This makes them not very intelligent or insightful when it comes to the emotions and motivations of others. Since they are all about what they think and feel, and all about projection and mirrors, they will always think that you think the way they think (though they couldn't be more off, and yes, they are the most un-insightful, predictable people on the planet).

If you have gotten abused to the point of being vilified, rejected (silent treatment), called names, been degraded, been scapegoated, played for a fool with their "strategically withholding affection games" during important events in your life, and they have told you that you deserved it because you didn't show enough gratitude, don't scratch your head and try to figure out what they are saying about you. Look at them instead. They are saying that they are ungrateful. Look no further. They are just looking in the mirror and telling you what they saw in the mirror.

Proof that they are just looking in the mirror is that they don't care what impact they are having on others beyond what it is doing to their reputations. One of the reasons they slander so much is that they don't want others to know that they victimize (so they pretend they are victims instead). That means that they only care about what they are going through. Most abusers cannot understand you beyond seeing you as an extension of them.

And wow, when they are ungrateful, are they ungrateful in spades, and cavalier about it too!

The abuser shows ingratitude to his victim(s) in so many ways. The most obvious way is through their typical idealize, devalue and discard way. They practice this in almost all of their relationships. If the people in their lives can prove to the narcissist or sociopath that they are undying sycophants and loyalists who will never criticize or shame them, or they are flying monkeys (flying monkeys is a term psychologists use for either helping or enabling an abuser to bully a victim) they may be spared, but not always because narcissists and sociopaths have been known to reject and terrorize over minutiae (see my post on erroneous blaming).

Other ways that abusers show ingratitude towards their victims is through silent treatments, vilification, constant blaming/shaming sessions, constant chiding, making you a laughing stock, talking at you like you were a child or a slave, refusing to listen to you, telling you what they feel and think and not being open to what you really feel and think, beating you, trying to destroy your relationships, trying to destroy your reputation, talking down to you (patronizing), rejection, trying to destroy you at the worst times of your life, talking disparagingly about you behind your back, putting you through love triangles, testing you to see if you would make easy prey for future blaming, being unfaithful, being two-faced, being glib, being unfeeling and uncaring, being fake and superficial. If you look closely, the abuser shows his ingratitude about all of his relationships, not just the relationship he has with you. He is a relationship killer and quitter. Abusers don't know their victims, even though they think they do: they only know them as they know themselves: when you aren't acting the way they want, you are prey; when you are acting the way they want, you are a "good girl mirror" or a "good boy mirror". They swing wildly back and forth between looking at you as prey and looking at you as a mirror.

So, when you are "a good little sycophant" you are grateful. When you resist being abused by them you are "ungrateful." It's as simplistic and immature as that.

As I have said in so many blogs, abusers are all about hypocrisy. Why hypocrisy? The abuser expects you to be grateful for his being horrible to you, while he can't show the slightest bit of gratitude unless you will lie on a sword for him, and even then he can get sick of you and reject you anyway.

Abusers are NOT grateful people. They are the princess and the pea with constant temper tantrums.

There is one exception about their feeling grateful.

Bullies will feel grateful if they are given the slightest attention from someone who they think is superior to them: someone overwhelmingly wealthy, or powerful, or more manipulative and psychopathic than they are. They can act just like the ashamed sycophants they expect others to be. They kowtow in the hopes that they, themselves will be able to reach the heights of power that their idols have reached.

In those situations, they will say "I am grateful" instead of insisting that their idols be grateful.

More about that in a post called "Hurting or Punishing Others to Teach Them a Lesson - Does it Work?"

From a blog post entitled "You Can Get PTSD From Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Jennifer Williams-Fields, a victim of marital abuse tells how abuse gradually and unknowingly seeped into her relationship. You'll see that the "ungrateful phrase" happened early on, in response to her complaining that her husband was out too late, that she wasn't willing to make him dinner when he finally came home (at midnight), and like so many victims, she thought about it and decided to try harder, realizing after awhile that trying harder never stops abuse, but seems to empower it.

In Alcoholic families and Narcissistic families, the "ungrateful phrase" is also used as a scapegoat tactic (the scapegoat is typically used by the family to heap all of the blame on to). If you are being told you are ungrateful, remember this: ingratitude is a feeling, and interpretive, not a condemnation of guilt. In other words, no educated and respected judge in a court of law would say: "We interpret your actions and feelings as ingratitude, thus you are sentenced to..." It is a primitive, irrational form of justice, not much different than accusing a member of a tribe for not feeling grateful as a reason for why the crops failed to grow, whereby the tribe makes the determination that the member should be exiled, tortured or sacrificed.

It is very common for people who love to scapegoat and abuse to attribute ugly meanings on a victim's feelings and use feelings (and also glances) to convict. It is desperate fault-finding. In religious abusive families, the phrase spawn of the devil is typically used in conjunction with you're ungrateful. In atheist abusive families, snake or serpent takes the place of spawn of the devil. Either way, spawn of the devil or snake or serpent is the abuser's irrational insult, not a concrete allegation. It is meant to hurt the victim, but has no weight as rational reason to convict and punish. 

"You're ungrateful" or "they are ungrateful" is used so much by abusers, and so little by empaths, that it can be a red flag letting you know that you may very well be talking to someone who is abusive (before you get involved: see my post on how to tell if someone is abusive before you get hurt).

All abusers tell you what you feel and think; they never think to ask. So, the "You're ungrateful" phrase is just part of it. It is a subcategory under erroneous blaming (erroneous blaming is a form of abuse -- see my post on erroneous blaming for more information). Abusers practically wear a sign of ingratitude and entitlement.

"You're ungrateful!" has also been attributed to abusive active alcoholics, since they misread emotions consistently, attributing negative interpretations on someone's intentions, and many of them are caught up in blame-shifting and lying already as a tactic to get people distracted from their drinking problem and illogical thinking (when drunk).

The real message, most of the time is, "You are ungrateful ... for not submitting to abuse!" ... or for the active alcoholic "you're ungrateful ... for not putting up with my drinking!"

All abusers have the ability to give "gifts". Emotional abusers might give money, child sex abusers might give candy or toys, batterers may wine and dine after they abuse their partners as part of a make-up strategy with their victim (see wheel of abuse). They count on "gifts" saddling their victims with feelings of shame and guilt. They feel entitled to forsake and discount their victim's pain, in exchange for justifying abuse. To them a gift justifies abuse.

All of it is designed to get the victim(s) to give into demands and domination.   

I'm sure this diverting tactic was even used on whipped slaves who attempted to escape from their owners: "Here we clothed you, fed you, put a roof over your head, and how do you repay us?! You run away, you ungrateful piece of crap! Now you will repay us!"

Over the years I have met many victims of childhood sexual abuse where the ungrateful phrase was lobbed at them by their abusers. Little girls are often told, with a soothing voice and a comforting caress after administering an act demanded by their adult sex abuser, "good girl" or "good boy". If the victim tries to get out of administering sex or runs away when they see their abuser, then they are often called "bad girl" or "bad boy" and "ungrateful".

"Ungrateful" in this connotation has more to do with the perpetrator's ego: sexual abusers have been known to think that their victims should feel privileged that they were chosen over a myriad of other attractive children and will accuse their victims of being ungrateful if they attempt to run away from the abuse. From all I have gleaned, it seems that most child molesters think that sexual abuse is desired by their victims, and indeed, they think all children want it, whether they are chosen or not. Unfortunately, almost all abusers have huge egos.

If these molesters receive the message that the abuse isn't desired, the perpetrators often try to convince their child victims that they are crazy, that there is something wrong with them for not wanting or enjoying adult sexual acts -- especially with the molester (whose ego is being effected by the acceptances and rejections of his victims).

Once a victim is deemed crazy by their abuser for not wanting to be a willing participant in a sex act, the perpetrators will sometimes try to make their victim a laughing stock, or otherwise humiliate the child in some way. Sometimes gaslighting is used too. If one style of abuse doesn't work, the threats and abuse increase in severity. As the child victim grows up, the abuser can often feel a sense of ownership of his former child victim and will feel enraged and betrayed as the victim gains more autonomy, is seen dating, getting married and having children, and finally, making a final escape from any more abuse. Most child sex abusers think they are special, and feel that children should view them as special too (they tend to be sociopaths and malignant narcissists).

Once an abuser labels a child victim as bad, the victim can endure punishments (abuse and terror) which is worse than performing the expected sex act.

"Punishments" on unwilling children can range from poisoning, administering medications like sleeping pills (while the sex act is performed), isolation, smearing the child's name, withholding school, temporary kidnappings, interfering with the child's friendships or work, high speed dangerous driving used to incite terror, hitting, slapping, shoving and yelling. There are many more, but the point is, that the abuse is escalated once the child resists -- and it is almost always accompanied by a myriad of threats designed to keep the victim silent, and the "ungrateful phrase" is used to keep the child compliant.

The result is that children often learn to feign enjoyment of abuse just to get through the experience and to stop escalations which feeds into the perpetrator's narcissism and makes their disorder worse.

Alternatively, some of the co-victims might join in on the taunting, bullying and name-calling just so they don't have to endure humiliations and can gain status and importance with the molester; perhaps it becomes a matter of survival to join the evil forces than to fight against them.

I have noticed that many childhood sexual abuse survivors who have become adults appear much more docile and malleable than they truly are and people around them are often caught off-guard and by total surprise when former victims assert themselves (there comes a point in many survivor's lives where the risk of buckling under is greater than the risk of assertion -- and that includes victims of abuse who learn to bend to others' wills).

All abusers have an issue with their victims' autonomy, attempts at asserting their human rights and truth-telling, whether that disapproval of their victims is expressed verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually or through threats. In essence, abusers unknowingly demand that their victims lie for them and lie about them (thereby pressuring their victims to become liars).

The result is an abuser who lives in a fantasy world, much like a hated king or queen who believes everyone is (or should be) worshiping him or her and is caught by total surprise when they are much more unpopular than they ever thought possible, and where a revolution threatens to de-throne them.

Perhaps victims live in a fantasy world too, of a different kind, in order to withstand the abuse. I have met survivors who attributed their survival to Mr. Rogers who would tell his child viewers "I like you just the way you are" (of the PBS series), to a picture of an angel on the wall guiding them out of the darkness of abuse, and so on.
  

As for the common bully-abuser or scapegoat-er (i.e. not a sex offender or a slave owner -- just the typical run-of-the-mill one)? I have noticed that if the phrase, "You are ungrateful!" is used in conjunction with, or as an excuse for abuse, more abuse usually follows those words. If you don't apologize to the abuser or recognize "the gifts" of the abuser, the abuse usually escalates and can get dangerous if you are still in their company.

If you end up apologizing to an abuser to keep the peace, the escalation process still happens because most of them take it as a sign that abuse works and that they can get away with treating you horribly. 

Groveling is what they want, and even then, they are known to say "That is not good enough." You will notice that abusers get a little smirk, a little smile when their victims are groveling, or trying to explain themselves, or apologizing even when they don't want to and shouldn't (perhaps they apologize just to stop the terror). That smile, that sadistic little smirk, is telling you that they enjoy abusing you, that they enjoy your pain, that they enjoy trashing you. Don't make the mistake that that will be the end of their getting high from abusing. They have decided they are a judge, and that the work of the victim is to treat the abuser as king, judge, jury and executioner.

Lastly, think about how the "You're ungrateful!" phrase is used. Is it used in close proximity to an incident of bullying, abuse or insensitivity to your plight or your feelings? If it is, then look at it for what it is: the most common tactic to divert the guilt away from themselves or the real people and issues that would make them accountable  -- and lastly, don't get caught in a trap where you are unwittingly apologizing for and excusing abuse.

You can find the ungrateful phrase on just about any forum for victims of abuse. Here are some posts and instances from forums that I found where abusers use the ungrateful phrase after they have been abusive (note: the parentheses are mine to clarify abbreviations):

from this forum link:
The thing is, I've tried so many times to tell them that they've hurt me and I got insulted and told I'm ungrateful etc ... I know she's playing the victim card with my extended family because of all their passive aggressive facebook posts about how some children are so ungrateful and moms love their daughters more than anybody can love someone and sometimes parents come off as the bad guy but they're only doing it out of love for you. OH! Really?! When my mom told me I was spawn of the devil and never should have been born because life would be so much better without me... that was out of love huh?" ~ Astrid (forum ID)
from this forum link:
Somehow certain PDs (personality disordered people) take the most responsible of their children and turn them into ungrateful, bratty villains while the GCs (Golden Children) get away with murder (and are celebrated for their wit and charm). It's crazy-making. ~HealingMeFL (forum ID)

Another topic I'll cover is the phrase "You brought this on yourself!" This is another favorite phrase of the abuser.

"Don't Be Grateful to Your Abuser"
by Professor Sam Vaknin (for the "Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism" channel)
note: Same Vaknin is a psychologist and a self proclaimed narcissist. Is it worth hearing
  his perspective on not "being grateful" to abusive people,  and what goes through the narcissist's
mind in terms of whether people are grateful or not?
Perhaps it is, because it differs from the way the rest of us think:

"The Truth About GRATITUDE In Narcissistic Relationships"
- by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:

the silent treatment is abuse!

name of art: "The Silent Treatment Prison"

image is © Lise Winne

watercolor and graphics, 2015

(for questions regarding use of images or to contract an image for your next article

contact: LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

(Note, this blog is part of a series: 

*The first post is this one: The Silent Treatment is Abuse! 

*The second one is The Silent Treatment and C-PTSD 

*The third one is called Healing from the Silent Treatment)

Many people do not think that the silent treatment is abuse because it can't leave physical scars. But make no mistake about it, the silent treatment is abuse! It is most always defined and categorized as emotional abuse by any reputable therapist, social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist, especially if it is practiced between close family members, such as between a parent and child, between spouses or domestic partners. Long time friends where a lot of intimate details have been shared between two people can be traumatized by the silent treatment. If it is practiced as a way to hurt or punish another family member, victims can get PTSD from it just like any other form of abuse. In fact, it causes as much damage, or more damage, as sexual and physical abuse.

For a list of symptoms and ways to handle the silent treatment go to my blog post here about the silent treatment and PTSD.

Victims can and do commit suicide when they are bullied with the silent treatment, especially if other forms of abuse are present as well, which usually there are (please read my post about what constitutes abuse here).  

The only time it is not the silent treatment is when someone is preoccupied (such as grieving), or finding a topic too hard to deal with or focus on. But most people use the silent treatment for one purpose and one purpose only: to punish, as a threat, and to gain dominance and control of another person. If parents are practicing it on children for extended periods of time (isolating a child as a form of punishment), Child Protective Services should be notified. If the silent treatment is being practiced between adults as a form of punishment, there is no question that it is abuse, and proper measures should be used to protect yourself, or to exit the relationship. According to this wiki article the silent treatment is abusive if it is being being used as:

* A desire to inflict hurt. This person wants to teach you a lesson. Sometimes what is worse than hearing another's feelings, emotions and concerns is to hear nothing at all. If the attempt is to ostracize you, it can easily become a pattern of emotional abuse. This is subtle yet very real bullying. It may be a one-off, or it may be habitual.

*Control, manipulation and intimidation. This may occur if the person has a personality disorder, such as narcissism, or is simply someone who must dominate but refuses to communicate properly. It could be about testing your boundaries too, to see how much this person can get away with. If this person is close to you, it's possible that you've been subjected often to emotional abuse, and that this person is a habitual offender.

How does the silent treatment make someone feel who uses it? From the book Ostracism, the Power of Silence, Kipling D. Williams interviews a 65 year old woman who enjoys using it on a consistent basis:

I use the silent treatment whenever there may be a fight or confrontation. The silent treatment accomplishes for me all the things that fighting does for other people: control, power and punishment. It gives me pleasure and I'm in control. I also think it is funny how people grovel. I never feel guilty or ashamed ...

However, in the greater society, especially in the present day, it is considered shameful to use the silent treatment on others, particularly on a family member or friend, or in school. There is so much awareness about the silent treatment and other forms of emotional abuse, particularly since schools are teaching students what constitutes bullying, that most young people view its practice as Neanderthal: on the same level as bigotry, Klu Klux Klan lynchings and Nazi gatherings. In school anti-bullying seminars, the silent treatment is taught as a very immature three year old control tactic, where if Suzy-Q doesn't get her own way in the sandbox all of the time, she gives her friend the silent treatment. It is also taught as an exclusionary tactic, with some form of bigotry at its core; i.e. "you aren't good enough to play with us."

Mainly, it is thought to be used primarily by yesteryear throwbacks: people with a great deal of ignorance, aggression, bigotry and stupidity. It would probably have been covered in All in the Family if the show were still running today. Very old black and white films feature women who give men the silent treatment to get their own way.

In schools with children, it is taught as the first sign of bullying. A bully's main objective is to isolate a victim by shunning him, and what better way to do it than to let him know that he isn't good enough to associate with. A bully will often think that his clique are the cool kids, the ones who dress, act and are better than other kinds of kids (bullies and adult abusers are arrogant and believe they rank higher than others).

From there, manufactured stories or erroneous blaming are commonly used to build a coalition of bullies or assistants to bullying. Manufactured stories and erroneous blaming in the childhood atmosphere might include "You're missing your notebook? I think he took it" (he, meaning the victim). In fact, at every opportune moment, when things go wrong, the finger is pointed at the victim. In the teenage atmosphere this might be "I think she is trying to take your boyfriend. I saw her flirting with him."

They also practice forms of bigotry by labeling the victim in derogatory ways: "different, smelly, snake, fat, stupid, goon, dweeb, crazy, yucky, retard, a nothing, a buffoon, waste of a human being, a monkey" and so on. They make fun of the victim in this way behind the victim's back (for awhile). From there it escalates to saying these things right to the victim, using a whole coalition of bullies to drive home all of the various denigrating messages. Anyone who is a friend to the victim either gets the bully treatment too, or they are given the talk: "Do you know who you're talking to? He's the one responsible for taking all the missing notebooks in school" or "I saw him pee-ing right in front of the entire school on the front lawn!" "He's a retard. You should hang with us." "Don't you know that he has to go to a therapist to baby cry? He's a wack-o job!" "He's a dirty hippie. You want peace and love? Well you'll be beaten up too."

This is particularly devastating to a victim. The bullies attempt to work on the friends and siblings of the victim to further isolate the victim. The victim may become paranoid, unable to trust others. He usually becomes depressed and hypervigilent too. Hypervigilence is a beginning sign that a victim is just starting to get PTSD, a condition which will make it hard for a victim to learn and concentrate in class.

Who can learn when the brain is seized with fear, and pre-occupied with keeping safe?  

This is why many bullied victims and victims of domestic abuse have low grades or grades that are drastically falling.   

Once the name-calling becomes routine, it is common for the abuse to escalate to threats and physical abuse.

Threats might be: "You're going to do as I say or there will be dire consequences for you -- and your little sister over there." "Do you hear me? You're going to rub your snot on that girl's binder, or we're going to have a little meeting of minds after school." "You're going to give me the answers to that exam, and if I fail, I know where you live!" "See that guy over there? The one who is six foot six? The one who has the big muscles? He will do anything for me. And he'll grind you up like hamburger if you don't let me put this (drug) in your locker."

Physical abuse might mean a subtle push in a school hallway (to send a threat), throwing papers and other trash at a victim (common), to out-right physical assault with bruises and cuts or damage to organs.

Like a prisoner of war who is constantly beaten, a child can often feel he cannot escape. He cannot be safe. The symptoms of PTSD become unbearable. He has nightmares about his abusers. He cannot sleep. He cannot focus on his studies. He is failing. When he is called on in class, he appears distracted, as though he is daydreaming. No one likes him. He is beginning to believe in all of the insults. The victim can feel that his only escape is to commit suicide.

Suicide is much more prevalent among victims of bullying, than perpetrators of bullying, by-standers of bullying, or children who have not had any first-hand experience with bullying at all. If there is a lack of support at home, or if the parents or siblings are practicing domestic abuse, the combination of school bullying and domestic abuse can be devastating for a victim. All of it can push a child's mind into the realm of suicide ideation.

According to this info-graphic by Nova Southeastern University's Masters Degree in Education Program, "around half of children's suicides in Britain are related to bullying".

The story of Pheobe Prince (an Irish girl who was isolated, slandered and bullied in a Massachusetts school, who committed suicide, and where her bullies were subsequently tried and convicted) and three gay bullied teenagers who committed suicide brought the issue of bullying to the forefront of school policies.

In recent years in much of the country, part of preventing school bullying are the very popular bullying seminars for children. And ... one of the first signs of school bullying is shunning and isolating (the silent treatment).

The silent treatment as practiced in the family follows a similar trajectory as school bullying. Say, a parent gives the silent treatment to his child. Then he might enlist the other parent to co-bully or to assess in some way. Name-calling, insults, erroneous blaming (in desperate cases a "look" on a child's face is used to "punish" a child), vilifying, slander, favoritism via golden child and scapegoat, and other forms of abuse are used. But usually it starts with the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is abuse because it is being used to hurt the child, and the way that it hurts the child is extremely detrimental to the child as well as the relationship between the child and the adult. According to this article, Kipling D. Williams, PhD, a professor of psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, has stated that the cingulate cortex part of the brain responds to the silent treatment as if it was a physical pain.  

Other forms of discipline are much more effective and less detrimental. Silent treatments between a parent and adult child are always labeled as abuse. It is also often labeled in many journals as the worst form of emotional abuse, with studies revealing that it does as much damage to a child as sexual abuse. Why? Because the message behind the silent treatment is: "You don't exist."

Not all goes well for the perpetrators of the silent treatment either. It is clear from reading Ostracism, the Power of Silence by the same researcher (Kipling D. Williams, PhD)., that the silent treatment has very few rewards for anyone. The perpetrators are eventually seen as bullies, and avoided (shunned right back) for being intransigent, intolerant and single-minded. Since perpetrators treat their victims with callous disregard, as though the victim is dead or sub-human, it is hard for anyone to respect, feel compassionate about or have warm feelings for a perpetrator of the silent treatment, even when the perpetrator is on his knees, begging for forgiveness. If there is a history of silent treatments, or the silent treatment goes on longer than a couple of months, victims overwhelmingly never trust their perpetrators again. The damage has been done. With very little respect going towards the aggressors, this creates a conundrum as to the effectiveness of the silent treatment as a tool for manipulation. Often it is the abuser who comes to the realization that the silent treatment is too painful, enervating, heartbreaking and is leading to his own alienation, dejection and depression.

That is, unless the abuser doesn't feel empathy or have a conscience, the harbingers of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder. In the case of narcissism, the narcissist will never be able to understand why a victim wouldn't want them in their lives, or why a victim wouldn't trust them. That is because they think they are desirable no matter how abusive they are.
 
Unfortunately, a great majority of people who use the silent treatment for more than a few days do have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In this article, the narcissist employs the silent treatment as a way to punish others:

People with narcissistic tendencies (e.g., “I will punish you if you reject me, have any complaints about me, or suggest that I am lacking in any way.”), and people with antisocial tendencies (e.g., “If you cross me or disrespect me you will pay for it and I don’t care how it makes you feel.”) also use silent treatment. -- Dr. Steve David, clinical psychologist, Assistant Clinical Professor in the Department Of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences at the University of California, Los Angeles

There’s a certain high that comes from wielding the silent treatment as a communication weapon, “Let me see this person beg for my attention, squirm to fight their way back in.” ... Often, this feeling is what compels people to repeatedly use the silent treatment–because it feels so good to see someone beg, plead for attention. -- Yashar 

After a narcissistic silent treatment, at some point, the narcissist will want to hoover his victim back in again with false promises, false motives and false concern. According to this blog post by Zari Ballard:

The hoover usually follows a silent treatment (which is really a break-up in disguise) and comes long after the victim has been completely devastated by the silence. The narcissist may hoover in several different ways and for various reasons, with each hoovering event staged according to that pathological relationship agenda he lives by. This is an agenda that I am all to familiar with and one that I describe in detail in my book When Love Is a Lie.

In this article, the silent treatment (unhealthy) is distinguished from a cooling off period (healthy):
Usually the silent treatment occurs when you do something that the abuser does not like or approve of in their book. Or when you dare to disagree with them or actually point out something wrong that they did. And then Wham, you get punished by them not speaking to you for days ...

Do not confuse the silent treatment with something known as “the cooling off period”. The cooling off period is where one person is so angry or disgusted by the other person that they just cannot deal with the situation in that state, and need time to calm down before they begin to speak to this person. That’s normal and should be allowed in a relationship. But purposely ignoring and refusing to hear or talk to a person is wrong, intentional, manipulative, and demonstrates extreme calculation and cruelty on how to hurt another person... -- Patricia Jones, M.A.

In this blog post, the silent treatment is labeled abuse because there is "no closure" or "chance at reconciliation":

The silent treatment is a form of erasing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation. -- Greta Ella

From Dr. Allan Schwartz, PH.D:

On a deeper level, there is really a power struggle going on for the partner who has lapsed into silence. The silent treatment is really the expression of lots of aggression. The ultimate goal of the strategy is to win. The silent partner is expressing rage in a way that is passive aggressive. This is designed to get attention and to provoke feelings of guilt. Winning means that the target person admits to having committed some type of offense for which they are now begging forgiveness.

The paradox in this situation is that ultimately gets provoked is anger ...

Because the use of this passive aggressive weapon is so damaging to relationships ... Stonewalling does not promote intimacy, trust or marital and relational happiness.

From this Ebonny article:

The silent treatment can be intimidating and isolating, leaving a person at a loss as to how to cope and baffled as to why the person they love would want to be so cold and immature as to engage in such passive aggression over the smallest thing. They may spend many hours trying to understand things from the abuser’s perspective in an effort to reason with them and resolve things, often to no avail ... Regular occurrence of silent treatment is a slow but sure path to deep seated resentment which can be a death knell to the bond you once shared with your partner. Whether or not they are fully conscious of what they are actually doing, silent treatment is a form of passive aggressive abuse on the part of the perpetrator. The victim may be unaware that they are effectively being bullied and manipulated. 

This same author suggests taking yourself out of the game:

Some victims have noted their abuser becomes notably happier the more worn down and miserable they become. In order to cope, the victim must appreciate that a silent treatment abuser thrives on observing the negative effect they have on their target. Therefore it is necessary to stop “feeding” their desire for control and power.

This means NOT giving them the satisfaction of seeing the negative emotional affects of their immature behaviour. They can derive a great sense of self importance and triumph if you get irate, annoyed, upset, capitulate/apologise, weep or plead with them to talk to you. Starve them of these rewards for their unjust behaviour and they will likely eventually tire of engaging in the silent treatment and revert more quickly than usual to their normal demeanour ...

When they use sarcasm or will only speak to you in a patronizing manner, instead of getting upset or responding in kind, simply get on with enjoying something on your previously prepared silent treatment “Survival” list of things to do! Let them see that their attempt to rile you is a waste of their time and yours! Remember - do not “feed” their habit. 

In looking through forums on the silent treatment, the longer the silent treatment is practiced on a victim, the more the victim comes to prefer it over talking about the conflict that it originated from. There is a sense that if the silent treatment goes on for too long, the person who gave the silent treatment is psychologically disordered (sick), not reasonable and not worth talking to, especially because it will never resolve satisfactorily: there is a demand behind it (with the insinuation that if you don't give into their demand, they will use the silent treatment over and over again). Most people who use the silent treatment are emotionally childish and abusive in other ways too. So the silence becomes welcomed by the victim because it is better than listening to the perpetrators insults (verbal abuse), gaslighting (psychological abuse), threats (emotional abuse), spinning of the facts (psychological abuse), intimidations (emotional abuse), diverting and blame-shifting (emotional abuse) and intransigence.

This forum poster from the Out of the Fog website states that protecting yourself from a "punishing silent treatment" by removing yourself from relationships with people who practice it can make you feel absolved if you react to the silence with silence because it is protecting yourself from abuse:

Manners are for people who deserve them. Once the abuse starts, all bets are off! I don't think we're under any obligation to continue to be mannerly (AKA lie down and take the abuse) when people are toxic and abusive! "Hold still and let them punch you, dear. You don't want to be difficult." ... No I don't have to hold still...
Taking abuse is NOT taking the high road. Don't take the abuse -- and yes, the deliberate punishing silent treatment IS abuse. Protecting yourself by removing yourself from their silent treatment or blacklisting is good self-care and good self-protection, it's not "sinking to their level" either. Punishing is offensive and wrong. No contact is the consequences of THEIR abusive actions and it's good self-care and boundaries.  -- Sasha~ (forum ID)

In fact, the majority of therapists who specialize in domestic abuse, tell their patients to react to a perpetrator who is giving them the silent treatment by going no contact. This is especially the advice given when the silent treatment is practiced by a parent on an adult child, or between marital partners. If the perpetrator is using it to inflict pain and punishment, then there is not much choice other than putting up boundaries and not allowing people who want to use the silent treatment on you into your life, or at the very least, into your inner circle.

Of course, perpetrators will try to convince you that you are giving them the silent treatment right back. But in fact, what you are doing is protecting yourself from their silent treatment by putting up a boundary. Don't forget: they started it! They kept rejecting your overtures! In fact the boundary is about not responding to them when they decide they want you back in their life again; it is a good form of protection.

Dr. Phil in his top ten parenting failures, describes parents who use the silent treatment on their kids as "fumer parents". His quotes: " This is the parent that gives the silent treatment, invokes fear and makes them walk on eggshells." Another one that might apply is the I'm the Boss Parent: This is the “my way or the highway” parents.

Parents who chronically give young children the silent treatment, do it to break down a child's self esteem. The purpose of it is to starve the child of praise and attention, make them fearful of the parent, so that the child will be compliant of all parental wishes, including working very hard for parental approval and love. However, this kind of abuse is detrimental, and even dangerous. Children whose self esteem is too dependent on parental approval, and in keeping the peace in the family, can and do commit suicide, particularly during teen years when it is natural and necessary to forge some independence.

Parents who practice the silent treatment on adult children often end up with children who balk at discussing anything personal or intimate. The relationship becomes shallow, hollow and distant, and often non-existent in cases where the parent is continually trying to challenge the boundary of low contact and no-personal-subjects-discussed. If the parent has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the parent doesn't know how to respect boundaries. In this case, if they've been using the silent treatment to punish, without being rewarded by the demand behind it, they often end the silent treatment by becoming dangerous stalker parents (which is a gross disrespect of a boundary).

Most children of narcissistic parents, with the exception of the golden favored child, have usually been given the silent treatment throughout their lives, whether following a disagreement, a parental temper tantrum or because the parent didn't feel the center of attention, or favored by the child. If the adult child does not placate the narcissistic parent, then slander and acquiring co-bully family members to discipline or to bring down the adult child, is used by the offending parent. Narcissistic mothers, in particular, have been known to either look the other way, condone or advocate the golden child bullying his other siblings (more about that in this post).

Narcissistic parents who are confronted about the silent treatment by their grown children, often try to sidetrack the issue by trying to inflict guilt on their child. "After all we have done for you! So ungrateful!" is a common one for all abusers, and for narcissists in particular. It sends the message to their adult child that the parent has the right to abuse them with the silent treatment and other abuses because they gave them something. By the way, The "ungrateful" phrase is the most common phrase used on victims by the great majority of perpetrators to get victims to comply (see my post about that here). "You needed to be punished for that look on your face!" is also common for narcissists. The message is that they feel entitled to interpret your facial expressions in a dark way at any time in order to take their rage and abusive tendencies out on you (see my post on erroneous blaming for more information).

Guilt-ing is used when the adult child does not comply with parental wishes as a way to get the adult child to agree that punishments and abuse are needed in some way. In fact, very rarely does the child discipline ever end for narcissistic parents! They have been known to treat sixty year olds like misbehaving four year olds!

If your parent is trying to punish and discipline you as an adult, know that it is inappropriate, toxic, wrong, abusive and may be against the law in your state.

A spouse who chronically uses the silent treatment, or abandons his partner either physically or emotionally, also ends up with a spouse who doesn't trust him, and who eventually leaves him. Some partners use the silent treatment after a heated argument to starve their mates of attention and love. Some partners use a heated argument as an excuse to give the silent treatment and to pursue an affair. Either way, it is a form of spousal abuse.

If your partner seems gleeful and smug about hurting you in any way, your partner probably has one of the following personality disorders, either Borderline, Narcissistic or Antisocial (sociopathic). Normal adults will always be concerned and show concern if they hurt you (normal empathy is present in 98 percent of the population, after all).    

In my own life:

I view the silent treatment as a kind of stinky gas with poison in it ("sarin with a fart", if you like). It is stinky because it is childish, and it is poison because it ruins the relationship and all of the former trust, intimacy and respect that you used to share with that person. It is such an obvious play for power and domination, that it is disgusting. It can bring tremendous grief because it is a realization that the relationship never meant anything to the other person on its own merits. It only meant something to them if they could control you. As in school bullying, the silent treatment by a "loved one" is the first tip-off  to a narcissistic response, a narcissistic person, an incredibly toxic person.

There is no other choice than to retreat. This often means giving up on the relationship, along with hopes and dreams.

One of the things that I have noticed about the silent treatment is that the longer it goes on, the more your own world starts to take over and you forget about the person who wanted to punish you. Being in the moment starts to feel more important than yesterday. As you sit and write the fifteenth letter you will never send them, you realize that you don't want to send it anyway because it would just open up a can of worms again and you know you are dealing with someone who is totally unpleasant and unreasonable to talk to. Many people who use the silent treatment abuse for more than a day or two are not interested in your words, your thoughts, your research, how you want to be treated. They don't want to show respect or be polite. They don't care about the relationship; they only care about getting their own way all of the time, every time. You only exist as their tool to use. The tool has an on/off button -- on for "you are pleasing me" and off for "you are not pleasing me". It is a facile relationship without meaning beyond if you are a marionette for someone else ... no thanks! It becomes more objectionable to communicate with them than to just let them be, wrapped up in their smug silence.

I am a "fixer" and a team player by nature. And believe me, the silent treatment challenges all of that.

The fixer in me doesn't like the way a paint line looks, so I fix it. The fixer in me doesn't like the fact that there are dirty dishes in the sink, so I wash them. The fixer in me doesn't like the way the guitar string buzzes, so I put on a new one. Most narcissists who practice extended forms of the silent treatment aren't fixers: they are "abandon this because it isn't working and go onto the next supply/victim or project" kind of people. They are "You do all the sweaty hard work of fixing this for me because I'm too lazy and entitled, and do it exactly how I want it otherwise I don't want it fixed at all" kind of people. They are "I don't want it fixed; I'm totally getting off on your pain and enjoying your suffering too much to fix it" kind of people. They are high maintenance vampires. All of the narcissistic reactions over time make most people feel sick to their stomach. Dealing with narcissistic silent treatments can be compared to a leaky pipe that keeps leaking no matter how many patches and how much time you put into it -- because the pipe is flawed, not the fixing or expertise.

The team player exists in me because I've been a musician for most of my life. You have to be a good and fair team player to create great music with others. Musicians and artists self-critique and get critiques. That is how they get better at what they do and that is what they are used to. Narcissists can't stand to be criticized even for minutiae. They are the opposites of musicians. They are like the princess and the pea: anything they don't like, whether it be a phrase, an off-handed remark, or even a look can mean they want to punish you. They go into a rage with silent treatments that can last for weeks, months, years, or forever. The more you insist on fairness and team playing, the more they will try to dominate you. It is a no-win situation.  

For people who stonewall any overtures, such as reasonable apologies, invites and gestures to talk it out, or meet together, or to meet with a mediator or therapist if the issue is too big and involves too many people to handle, with the desire to come to some sort of resolution, or even just expressing a desire for a truce, or at the very least agreeing to disagree, reaching out actually becomes abhorrent because you know you will just come up against a brick wall again, or get abused by something else: verbal assaults, erroneous blaming and gaslighting are the common ones. This is especially true for people whose silent treatments send a message that whether you live or die doesn't matter to them, or people who put punishment agendas ahead of everything else in your mutual lives.

Among musicians, we have a phrase called "deal breaker." Some deal breakers include your fellow band member not showing up for a gig that you planned together. Or who put the priority of going with another band at the last moment because they are promised better pay, all of which leave the rest of the band extremely stressed, especially if you practiced together and have complex arrangements with solos. A member who insults other band members also creates undue stress because music is a team effort where respect and trust in your partners is a must. You also have to have the ability to be in the background when it is not your turn to solo. All of these are deal breakers because this is how a fellow musician can ruin it for the band, the audience, the composition, the sound, indeed everything can be compromised. Flakes, egoists and people who have temper tantrums really should not be playing music with others. Narcissism and music do not mix.

So, when someone acts like they've all but murdered you except physically, they really don't deserve your attention. They don't deserve your good heart. They don't deserve consideration. They don't deserve to be in a team. They don't deserve harmony. And indeed, people who practice the silent treatment a lot, and take it to its ultimate, tend to get rid of all of the good people and surround themselves with bad ignorant people, who also think it is good to use tactics like the silent treatment. No one who lives for harmony, enlightenment, understanding, love and helping others is going to be able to stand someone who loves the silent treatment as a weapon (or is a has-to-be-my-way-or-the-highway type of person, doling out emotional abuses 'til kingdom come!). Once you get through the grieving process, believe me, these kinds of people incite disgust, eye-rolling and irritation more than sadness or pain.

Except in the case of cartoons! Yup, I decided that silent treatments were cartoon-worthy (more on this in a later post). Why? Because it is a way to get the point across that it is disgusting in a funny way. I have also noticed that narcissists have a particular liking for cartoons (because they act like children, after all). They are so self centered in their thoughts and deeds that they are funny.

Take Hyacinth Bucket of Keeping Up Appearances. In the series she treats her husband as though he is a doll on a leash who needs to be commanded by her. She chastises him for not following her orders. She also chastises him when he does follow her hair-brained orders because they do not work out the way she had planned, another narcissistic trait that is not too endearing and often infuriating, but it makes great comedy. Hopefully I am contributing to laughs as well, and so can you. The more fun we poke at the practice of self centered-ness, blowing up over criticism, habitual silent treatments, treating mature normal adults as children, victim blaming and narcissism, the more enlightenment we can bring to the condition (hopefully), the more that narcissistic reactions (like the silent treatment) will be even more unpopular and shameful than they are already.

There is no worthwhile reward in talking to someone who habitually gives you the silent treatment. It definitely becomes impossible to reach out knowing they will get satisfaction out of abusing you again, setting up yet another situation where you will have to walk on paper thin eggshells where anything at all can cause them to blow up at you. It is like being on a yoyo: when the yo-yo goes up, you get abused, then when it comes down you start healing, but not enough healing takes place because your abuser tries to hoover you back in, the yo-yo is back up again (more abuse), up, down, up, down. The more cycles, the more bruises that don't heal, the more you are emotionally battered to the point where you can't make sense of your life or how you got into such a terrible situation, the less you do with your life, the more you are just surviving or in recovery mode from all of the abuse ... So unproductive! Such a waste of your life!

These are sick people. It is better to let them fester in their sickness and silence than to be drawn back in to their game. As this wiki article explains:

Do not become embedded in a friendship/relationship by silent treatment.There is a limit to how much you can try to cope with someone who keeps resorting to silent treatment behaviors. Soon, all you are doing is walking on eggshells and pacifying someone who has learned that this isn't such a bad way to control you. Relationships should be balanced. When someone keeps on giving you the silent treatment, they are always taking the "reins" by allowing or not allowing communication. This is a very emotionally abusive behavior. It usually leaves the person who is at the receiving end of the silent treatment frustrated, confused, and angry.
Lay healthy boundaries of what you are willing to accept in your relationships by informing people who use this tactic that you are not going to continue a relationship in that way.

Resources:

Why the silent treatment is abuse and why it is destructive in a close personal relationship -- recommended reading

How to get over the silent treatment

The Deafening Brutality of the Narcissist's Silent Treatment -- the narcissist using the silent treatment as an aggressive form of control and punishment for what his or her partner did. The motivation is about getting the victim to "behave." It is a nasty form of abuse.

A research post on ostracism

The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist’s Trick of the Trade of Emotional Abuse -- by therapist Andrea Schneider

The silent treatment in marriage

The silent treatment as childhood trauma that is difficult to heal from

Why Narcissists Disappear: Hint: It's Not Just the Silent Treatment! -- primarily a post about the silent treatment in a dating relationship

Parents who give their teens the silent treatment end up with teens who are resentful and aggressive. Many teens who have substance abuse issues were on the receiving end of a parent's silent treatment.

The silent treatment as the worse form of emotional abuse.

Time-outs are also becoming unpopular ways to punish small children. Time-outs became an alternative for spanking, and were used as an alternative. However, there is growing evidence that it doesn't work, or solve anything. While time-outs are not the silent treatment (time-outs are minutes, not days, weeks or years), problem-solving is compromised in children. Video explains it. 

The silent treatment used to abruptly end a relationship (typically a dating relationship) without an explanation is sometimes referred to as "ghosting"

Here is a graphic that I thought was pertinent to this day's topic:

Here is a graphic about Narcissistic blame:

A video by psychologist, Judy Rosenberg on The Silent Treatment: