An Update: New Studies in the Field of Trauma Recovery and Reactions, 500 Peeps Latest Blog, and Some Other Thoughts on Sycophants in Today's Politics

 
From NICABM (features Pat Ogden, PhD, Stephen Porges, PhD, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, Janina Fisher, PhD, Kathy Steele, MN, CS, Deb Dana, LCSW, Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD   and Thema Bryant, PhD):

Treating trauma is some of the most demanding, complex work we do.

Eye contact can feel unsafe. Relationships can trigger survival responses. Clients can become overwhelmed and dissociate before they even begin processing their trauma.

That’s why we’ve gathered 18 of the world’s top trauma experts to share the latest insights on working with trauma in this Advanced Master Program.

When trauma takes hold, the nervous system goes into survival mode — trapping clients in patterns of fear, dissociation, and shame.

But new research is revealing groundbreaking strategies to help clients rewire their trauma response and break free from these cycles.

Join 18 leading trauma experts, including Bessel van der Kolk, MD, Janina Fisher, PhD, and Stephen Porges, PhD, in this advanced training.

One of the things these experts found out is that trauma survivors, and especially people with PTSD, don't do well in "talk therapy". There is a tendency to feel "flooded" in a talk therapy session - where you can hear the advice of the therapist for awhile, but then cognition starts to fall off, and then you can dissociate. This is especially true for people who feel the freeze response (fawn, fight, flee, and freeze being the main trauma responses). 

The freeze response is actually the most unhealthy of the trauma responses and that is where people (or clients) can dissociate or begin to have dissociative experiences. It starts out with minor dissociative experiences and then as traumatic experiences multiply, the dissociative experiences multiply too and also become deeper (i.e. where cognition of current events goes off-line in more extreme ways). 

The freeze response is particularly notable for child abuse victims because the fight and flee responses are more or less impossible for smaller children - and child abusers punish a child for having these responses anyway. I would also argue that the fawn response is not possible for children given the scapegoat role either as the caretaker rejects the fawning, or insinuates that the child doesn't mean it. So the only response that is left is the freeze response. 

However, this group of mental health experts also came up with other trauma responses, notably the Collapse and Submit Response, the Please and Appease Response, and the Attach and Cry for Help Response. 

I'd bet the Collapse and Submit Response as well as the Attach and Cry for Help Response have a lot in common with the Freeze Response in that they can lead to dissociation and an inability to be present at all times in conversations, and especially when lectured at, verbally abused, or told to do something that is wrong, or unethical, or repeatedly told to do things that you don't want to do (over years). 

The freeze response isn't just thoughts running through your head like "I don't know what to do" or "Nothing I do works", but it also has many, many physical ramifications where your ability to respond at all goes off-line. What responses you do have left feel frozen too: frozen screams, freezing up when you are touched, freezing up on choices you have to make (for the "mortal fear" of making the wrong choice), missing opportunities because you freeze up on responding, even thoughts freezing up (like becoming obsessive, or not being able to let a thought, or experience, or feeling die off). 

The freeze response is definitely one of the worst trauma responses in terms of what it does to the body and brain, especially for children exhibiting these responses. 

Because a child cannot express outwardly what he or she is feeling and because they are often silenced by the abuser too, the feelings have to be stuffed, to stay within the body, and this is where we find that it wreaks havoc on the head, heart, stomach, immune system, and muscles primarily, and probably other parts of the body too. 

It is one reason why scapegoats often prefer other trauma responses when they are finally able to do so (like in teen years or adulthood) such as running away, or fighting it out with lots of defenses, arguments, analysis and explanations, or being rebellious, or taking substances to get out of obsessive depressive thinking styles, feelings of utter exhaustion and retreating (often misunderstood as laziness), or feeling disgust for their torturers. 

Scapegoats also have a lot more ability to seek out real love than a golden child because narcissists most often neglect or discard their scapegoat children and those children often use those times to explore, and most often don't return, or return in a way where they are shoved back into their old role. But let's face it: most family scapegoats are expected to be scapegoats for life, thus most of them find their own way in the world.

Fawning isn't very effective for scapegoats because people who torture know that the amount of torture they inflict doesn't deserve a fawning response, so they suspect that it is "fake fawning". Fakeness  enrages narcissists, of course, even though they are a lot more fake and inauthentic than most everyone else on the planet. They figure you are them when you fawn. 

Freezing is the response of last resort (for golden children who mostly fawn, they can find themselves suddenly on the wrong side of a narcissist where fawning isn't producing good results, and may also use the freeze response, but it is usually only temporary, whereas for scapegoats, they may be reacting via the freeze response throughout their childhood and beyond).

Anyway, freezing is often an anxiety response, where the cortisol levels go up and cause stress to the body. Sometimes golden children will keep trying all kinds of fawning and flattering responses to get their systems and the narcissist to become more stable, as they were before. 

One of the leading trauma experts, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, found that trauma effects the entire brain, not just the hippocampus, prefrontal cortex and amygdala as has been touted for decades. Granted those areas of the brain are effected the most, but some parts of the brain become over-active, and other parts simply go off-line or don't function like they should, or used to. 

I always thought that had to be the case, but I was otherwise told it wasn't. It was great to finally be confirmed about what I knew from my own body and no longer be living in a state of denial about it. 

When I was around "bad people" (as I used to call them in childhood), I always got "whole head headaches" afterwards. Not that this proved then or later, that the whole brain was effected, but the physical ramifications were hard to miss.

The headaches could be very mild or severe and I always thought it gave me a gauge as to how dangerous or toxic a person was (although I didn't know the word "toxic" when I was a kid - I referred to it more as "too many nerves in my head that are making my head hurt"). I had plenty of other symptoms too including stomach aches, and a profound lack of sleep. And the lack of sleep also played a role in keeping the headaches going. 

And even when I had breaks from trauma-inducing experiences, there began to be a kind of feedback loop where the headaches produced a lack of sleep and the lack of sleep produced the headaches, and all of it made me uncomfortable living in my own body for a time until the symptoms could subside.

Anyway, when the whole brain is effected, I'd bet the entire body is effected too as another break-through study and course from NIACBM includes How to Work with the Limbic System to Reverse the Physiological Imprint of Trauma. 

Another hurdle that many victims of child abuse can relate to are feelings of "I'm not good enough" often transferred from a parent who does not love his or her child, or expects perfectionism in deeds, thoughts, facial expressions and looks, and especially if the child is rejected by a parent over these kinds of things. Parental "coldness" (not caring how you feel) is another way you can experience feelings of worthlessness. 

There is a new course for that too (mainly for therapists to get further education, but there is no harm in studying what is going on with beliefs like this). 

The course is called Practical Strategies for Working with a Client's Feelings of Worthlessness, also by NIACBM. 

What I have found most interesting is that feelings of worthlessness can effect the neuroplasticity of the brain. 

So much is happening in trauma research, types of trauma reactions and trauma therapies, and this is where I'd eventually like to take this blog, although I've started to discuss it in many of my most recent posts. It is a whole other research subject, and more interesting to me personally, but also tied to how to deal with abuse and the long term effects of it. 

500 HUNDRED POUND PEEP'S BLOG POST
ON SCAPEGOATS AND POVERTY
AND HOW SO MANY SCAPEGOATS ARE NOT TAUGHT LIFE SKILLS INSIDE THEIR FAMILY
AND ARE INSTEAD LAUGHED AT AND BLAMED FOR THE POVERTY THEY FACE INSTEAD

I had planned on writing a blog post myself on this subject, but Peeps, as I call her in public anyway, decided to publish hers before I could get mine done. That is what happened for another post on Do Scapegoats Rebel (one that I planned on publishing with her but still haven't totally finished).  

Yes, there are a lot of things distracting me at this time, so I understood her need to publish before I could get mine done. 

Anyway, I think her post on poverty is a really brilliant and much needed article and it is a subject that hasn't really been explored much, in research groups or through interviews, or even in terms of talking about individual experiences except in forums for survivors of child abuse and minorly in therapy groups. And why not, since most scapegoats experience it at least once in their lives? 

We know that narcissistic parents want to hurt their scapegoat children (most scapegoat children are abused and conspired against throughout their entire childhood unless the golden child screws up in some way that drives the parent to be angry enough to pit the golden child against the scapegoat child in a contest for Mommy or Daddy's love and attention). And what better way to hurt the scapegoat child than to thrust him or her into a black abyss of poverty, especially right when they turn 18 and can legally be thrown away like so much trash (until, again, the golden child does something that the narcissistic parent does not like). In other words, if you are discarded in the early part of adulthood, or at age 18, as so many scapegoat adult children are, they may very well intend to groom you to live in poverty and to tolerate poverty, intentionally, especially if you grew up with parents who had enough money to feed you, but you were being underfed, if they had enough money to dress you, but you were either given rags or dirty clothes, ill-fitting clothes, or hopelessly out-of-date hand-me-downs so that you were bullied and teased at school over them, if you were isolated from the rest of your family members so that they could not hear your side of the story and automatically assumed you were at fault for the absurd amount of punishments you received, and if you were treated like a second class citizen to your sibling(s). 

In addition, you were not taught how to traverse the world of adulthood, so you had no idea how to survive in it. 

I personally had to read her post in two parts as it starts out like a Russian novel and builds to most of  what scapegoats live through. 

Some of the passages I found to be particularly relevant and stood out for me are these:

* She talks about how ACONs (Adult Children of Narcissists) aren't taught how to live independently so they don't end up in poverty, about how they are mocked when they are a child ("You'll never live in a beautiful place like that!") instead of encouraged to do well "So that you'll end up with a beautiful house like that."
   "Slamming an ACON's self esteem makes it hard to learn important life lessons like this. Instead you are either laughed at for thinking living in a nice home is out of your reach, or taught to please and flatter your narcissistic parent as the most important lesson of your life."

* She talks about being an art teacher and director of art at a summer camp and why she chose it over other careers. I found this fascinating because that was largely my life too as well as selling in galleries and art centers.  

* I found this passage right out of the playbook of many ACONs:
     I saw it with Aunt Scapegoat, they seemed to derive joy listing off her horrific medical problems while clucking their tongues. Her poverty too often was the stuff of legends..."she hoarded food you know!", "Grandma had to buy all her clothes!'' "Her trailer was full of trash!" As a child, I lived in terror of ending up as poor as her, as she was put down constantly in front of me.  It would only occur to me later, that my mother had the means to make her life a lot better instead of letting her sink into such extreme poverty. I would end up as poor, though unlike her, we got some better working class years and her level of poverty was definitely worse.

*   I found this passage to be true to my own experience of talking to scapegoats with disabilities:
     I got into a discussion, talking about this issue. Family wealth for the scapegoat is not protection from poverty. One guy told me online on reddit that they should study what happens to the financial security of the disabled who come from better off families?
     He wrote: Do children of wealthy families with disabilities or visible abnormalities have a measurable difference in financial security relative to siblings, similarly-aged people from middle/upper class families, and comparable peers from poor families?
     He said that someone should do a graduate thesis on this, it would be an interesting sociological topic. I was in a disabled group, and a group for autistic adults [on Zoom] and a group for those with serious pain disorders and chronic disabilities [on Zoom]. I  did note that family support for the people I met, was far far higher. Many of the autistic adults lived at home with parents including 2 men at my level of autism, who were well into their 50s. There was a few married women like me, they encountered career problems and some were physically disabled, but they had supportive families. No one related to my level of poverty. It surprised me. One woman did live in subsidized housing but had a loving family which probably bolstered her feelings of independence.  In the pain disorder group, one lady who had lupus related problems but was still employed, lived with her mother and it seemed to be a positive situation. In the disability group, I met a man who lived with his brother, and another man who lived with his mother, who were locals and had about the same level of autism as me [what was referred to as Aspergers for decades] The latter man was very overweight at my size but he didn't have the same health problems and could still walk, function, drive and work.
     Many of these people had challenges, and in the case of the autistics, career troubles, were common, some did work very hard, and one man did volunteer work during his unemployed periods. Their families seemed to help them. The fellow fat man admitted to me he did face some judgment from his family but others seemed cared about and looked after. Their challenges were not used to reject them as people, like what happens with someone with narcissistic parents. My disabilities were seen as "my fault". All of them. The weight issues complicated that but they had no mercy for anything else including deafness and breathing problems. ...
     ... Some of the disabled people in my groups got really sick, and their families looked out for them. Sometimes it was hard for me to hear about because my situation was so opposite. I have a husband who has looked out for me so am not saying my glass is empty because he's definitely stepped up for decades. There's a lot of disabled people with serious health problems on their own. I get scared for them. It was just interesting to see the different attitudes of more loving families towards disabled members. It's pretty sick that narcissistic families will get out the hammer on people with serious health problems.
     But outside of illness, how many scapegoats find themselves in the streets? No home to go to? I dare say there's probably a lot of abuse victims who end up homeless who end up as "orphans" out in a harsh world. Social workers, churches and the world assume everyone has a family. This simply isn't true. For those of us without one, there's no one to turn to. No one has our backs. I learned the hard way, going no contact many years ago, no one in the family cared that I was gone. During my most extreme poverty in my 20s, no one cared about me. I missed meals [yeah I know that's ironic as fat as I am] and went without needed possessions, there were times I had literally nothing but ripped up clothes to wear.  ...
     

* This passage, I think, is super relevant to whether you can "make it" as an adult (trauma symptoms impacting your health and life):
      ... First and foremost due to ACE scores, stress, scapegoats can have health problems.You are on high alert, never can relax, your parents never let you sleep or even physically toss you on the floor from your bed. This wrecks children's health adding hormonal and obesity problems especially. As a child I never could relax or sleep. I was always on my parents schedule, for years I had severe insomnia, I never felt safe enough to fall asleep I always had to be on my guard.
     As your physical health is decimated, your mental health is at risk. Severe stress, and trauma all take their toll. Some people will get DID, disassocation, PTSD/CPTSD, anxiety disorders, depression and more. I have talked about this very much just here and there, but my anxiety disorders were very severe. They included almost daily panic attacks, and a feeling of "unease" and fear at all times. I have been diagnosed with PTSD/CPTSD by three different therapists, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and OCD issues during my life. My anxiety disorders were not career enhancers. I had to learn to hide my worries and anxiety because I realized my "neuroticism" made people angry. There were years, I was checking things for hours and having to hide this from roommates and others. My anxiety is in a far better place now, I still struggle but it's nowhere as severe as it was.
     Sometimes at work, I could barely keep it together. No one during my student teaching when I had to move back home knew I was going from working with kids all day to having people scream at and threaten me and I could barely get any food either, which oddly made me fatter. I saw some old pictures from myself from the 1980s, and I'm always cringing, I always look like I'm ready to dodge an incoming hit. Well I had to be ready to duck at any time.  ... 

* Super relate-able:
     ... Mean Parents Don't Teach Their Children Anything
     One thing many ACONs attest to is the lack of life skills, one does not acquire much knowledge from narcissists, they chase their kids out of the kitchen or garage and slap at kids who don't become instant experts. Dad's good at the stockmarket? He'll never tell you it's secrets. Dad's good at fixing cars? While he's screaming at you about being lazy and to hand the tools over quicker, he'll never give you the chance to try and fix it yourself. Mom's good at cooking? She certain doesn't want anyone to outshine her, so you don't learn one cooking trick. You are given low knowledge tasks like whipping the mashed potatoes or wiping the counter. The only way I found out what my mother actually put in recipes was by finding her old handwritten cookbook in a notebook.  Paying bills? That remains a mystery. Narcissistic parents won't tell you things like what the monthly budget is. You won't learn how to write checks, or buy a car or rent an apartment unless you are one of those lucky kids who gets a life skills class. At the same time you remain hopelessly ignorant, they get angry at you for not knowing things but then still don't tell you anything!
     They want you to keep you helpless so you are dependent on them and don't want you able to stand on your own two feet. They desire your failure so you are easily controlled. They don't want you financially independent. Some narcissistic parents will even sometimes give a scapegoat a little money or help, it's random, and for control to keep you in the game but you'll never see them give help, like with a job even if they have the means to do so. You aren't taught how to function and often your attempts to gain more independent and financial independence are thwarted. They tell you to pay high rent as you desperately try and save money to get out on your own. They ignore your health problems while telling you to work hours, they  would never dream of doing, such as when I had a 7am-11pm schedule every day during student teaching.
     This is a common way scapegoats are sabotaged. Many of us grow up and then realize with horror the depth of life lessons and practical know-how that were denied us. We don't know how to do anything. My struggle with life skills continues, some of this can be autism, but right now I am doing calculus in my head, to even figure out how to pay 5-6 different medical bills, the electric bill and how we are going to afford food next week. I keep an entire notebook dedicated to survival. It has housing lists in there, everything turned out be HUD programs we don't qualify for except for the one I am on the list of or they were in very bad areas or ones off the bus lines. Lists of where all the food pantries are, and what day of the month they are open, the number and address of the car repair charity place, and where one can get free furniture and clothing. When I was young I didn't even know where to go to get charity or how to utilize a food pantry.
     Yes. My parents were upper middle class. We lived in a neighborhood of million dollar homes where people hired live in nanny's housekeepers and or at least a cleaning lady on the regular.  Our house was more humble but at 5-6 bedrooms it was very large and there were other large homes around us and the million-dollar homes were just down the street. The country club was right around the corner from the house I went to in high school. Many ACONS are people who descended the ladder. The life I grew up in was not the life I got later. I was unprepared for what awaited me. I was prepared for a culture I never would live in as an adult. 

There is so much more to her article that will ring true to any scapegoat who had to live through a period of poverty. I think the very personal experience she writes about is decidedly better than what I have to say on this subject, although I do have some more statistics to add to the discussion. 

I only lived through a little less than two years of poverty myself from age 19 - 21 or so, and it was super challenging. The lack of food was one major issue (my meals were mainly "unpopular vegetables" with a little butter on them because they were cheaper than anything else: eggplant, turnips, rutabagas, those sorts of vegetables ... and only one meal a day so that I wouldn't run out). I also had trouble with the bureaucracy at the food stamps office where they required me to get a refrigerator - I think you can understand why it was impossible for me to retain one. So I went without help or food. And I was working and going to college at this time. 

As for my career in art and art teaching, I did have that in common with Peep. Was it a good career to choose for someone like me who was trying to rise out of poverty? 

Maybe not, but I thought it was at the time because when I was 18, I lived in a seaside tourist town where I met a potter who was not only able to live on the money he made from his sales, but support a wife and send two children to college. I don't think that is possible to do today unless you have a good trust fund from rich parents or grandparents, or are teaching in addition to making pottery, or you are a "star potter" with a huge following. 

Also at age 20, I learned about Camille Claudel and wondered if that was a warning sign for me. Beatrice Wood served as another warning for me in later years. Over the decades, having met many, many female artists, I have learned that most of the successful ones in my field are either hated or resented by their families (birth family, that is). Many have found solace and contentment in their marriages and in their children, but so many of them feel like outcasts of their family of origin.

Many of these artists complain that they feel they have to "turn off their talent", or "turn off their authentic selves" or "turn off the beauty in their work and focus on what's ugly in their pieces, or what's not working" or "turn off that they are artists at all" or pretend not to be as successful as they are in their art career around their family at least. Very odd, and something I'd like to explore a little deeper. 

Granted there is something cultural about critiquing art and artists as compared to most other professions, so that definitely holds some sway in terms of how visual artists are treated, but I find that the rate of alienation between female artists and their birth families to be alarming and severe, especially among fantasy artists, surreal-art artists and statement-oriented expressionist artists.

Female artists who practice abstract art, landscape art, art for textiles, artists who paint "cute animals", or flowers, or pretty young women in gardens mostly seem "safe" from alienation comparatively. I am trying to figure out why. 

At any rate, as in early childhood and early adulthood when I was a scrapper (looked hard for the minimum to survive very adverse childhood experiences), I was also a scrapper as an artist. My catapult into the art world was in Neo-expressionism or what I call "statement art", but I couldn't make it in that alone, and "something had to give". In other words, Neo-expressionism requires a nest egg, or fantastic luck, or a trust fund to start a career in it, to get into the museums that show this kind of work, so since I realized that, I "scrapped" together an art career with art teaching, being a curator, a studio manager, art director at a summer camp, display chair-person, entered local shows where "statement art" is not accepted and where landscapes, "pretty pictures" and abstract art is accepted instead, a greeting card business, a graphic arts business doing advertisements, creating Etsy and Zibbet banners for other artists, and later website design with my husband where we made and maintained websites for authors, artists, a museum, and others. I also performed music on the weekends, and practiced music in the evenings for upcoming gigs. 

It's probably not an exaggeration that I worked 70 hours a week at the very, very least. 

I think most artists and art teachers have to work these kinds of hours. 

From talking with Peeps, her life went largely in the same direction, but being disabled with many challenging medical issues stopped her from insane schedules. It also put her into poverty. 

I can't help but think that her life would have been even more like mine had she not been so ill. 

Anyway, a post on poverty and scapegoats will appear one of these days (and also another proper link to her post besides the one above), but it won't reveal much more of my own personal details than I have written here. 

SOME THOUGHTS SINCE THE INAUGURATION
OF A NEW PRESIDENT IN THE UNITED STATES
AND TRUMP'S DISMANTLING OF SO MANY GOVERNMENT AGENCIES

What a time it has been since the second inauguration of Mr. Trump! Like so many Americans, we are trying to navigate our way through chaotic policies, the whiplashes of high tariffs followed by taking them off, a stock market and government employees gone crazy with deep losses and sometimes gains, the higher-than-usual prices at the grocery store, waiting to see if Trump invades Greenland, or Panama, or Canada, and wondering what will happen with Ukraine, Syria and Gaza. 

It's been hard to follow the flood of headlines since the inauguration, and even harder to understand why they are being done. Let's face it: the Democratic and Republican answers to much of what is going on is rooted in speculations as to what it will achieve, one party having a more dire interpretation to all of it, and the other party a more Pollyannish view. 

I tend not to have Pollyannish views when it comes to politicians as I believe many are there to have lifetime memberships in their appointed positions and will do anything, sway any way that is convenient to do so. Not that they are all like that, but I speculate that a majority are. 

I have talked about how disturbing the war in Ukraine has been for me personally. There isn't a day I don't worry about what's happening there since the war started and whether or not it will end up to be about Ukraine caving into and being swallowed up by Russia, or discussions between the United States and Russia about carving up the world into "empire building" where Trump might say, "You can have Ukraine, the Baltic States and Syria if I can have Canada, Panama and Greenland without interference from you", not that this is happening, but I wasn't the first person to think about that possibility.

These are the worst case scenarios, of course.

Then which child abuse survivor didn't feel triggered, or at least have a Deja Vu by watching President Trump and Vice President Vance shout down Zelenskyy at the Oval Office? 
* conspiracy theories (check): such as Zelenskyy wasn't really elected ("a dictator without elections" was what was said to him) as well as "gambling with the lives of millions of people. You’re gambling with World War III. You’re gambling with World War III. And what you’re doing is very disrespectful to the country, this country ... " 
* Victim blaming: trying to convince Zelenskyy and the world that he and Ukraine are at fault for the war (check)
* Zelenskyy being silenced (check)
* Zelenskyy being talked or shouted over so that he couldn't respond (check)
* Zelenskyy told that he's "said enough" as though he's a little boy. (check - and by the way, wasn't this meeting supposed to be about negotiating? How can you negotiate with this going on?).
* Zelenskyy being told he's not expressing enough gratitude (check).
* Zelenskyy told he needs to apologize (check).
* Zelenskyy was asked why he doesn't wear a suit (check. As though everyone should dress in the same uniform - to reveal the sycophant side of themselves?).  

Certainly Zelenskyy is not making a mindless fix easy with unwavering won't-give-up-any-gains-Putin. Putin has violated ceasefires 25 times, and that is making it even harder for Ukraine to cave into Russian aggression, including Russians' gains of "dead cities" and land-grabs. So ending the war in a day isn't working out so well for Trump and it was a grandiose statement to make regardless, not a thoughtful one of taking into considerations how opposed Russia and Ukraine are in terms of what would make peace or a compromise possible. 

Maybe Trump needs the adulation of ending the war quickly so he can keep his word, and when it isn't given to him as quickly as he wants, the punishments come? Or he hands "a win" over to one of them? And what's in it for him? That he can end the war in a day, adulation, attention, blaming and blame-shifting, or something that's a bit more thoughtful than many of us have seen so far?

Is the message here you must make peace? You must compromise? You both must take some losses? "Russia, you must give Ukraine back its territory"? or "Ukraine, you must cede some territory to Russia"? 

Or is it going to be: "You must give something to bullies and invaders, and give into bullies and be grateful for what they give you, and for what you have left."

Is it any different than what child abuse survivors deal with in their abusive families? "Negotiate with bullies"? Is that the way this always goes no matter if it's in the family, in the community or on the world stage? 

And must bullies always win something to keep them from attacking you further? I think we know the answer to that. 

This is where my curiosity is at the moment: what will Ukraine have to compromise on, if anything? And how will they be treated going forward? 

At the time I write this, no more weapons are being given to Ukraine from the U.S.A. to defend itself, but what other punishments must it endure I wonder other than more missile attacks from Russia?  

So that issue being played out on the world wide stage is also bothering me, as well as the continual disappointment that human beings are so violent, still so unempathetic to other people's plight (at least for my tastes), that human beings display way too much sycophancy when they feel over-powered (and that has kept my attention more than any other subject in recent current events), so inept at fair negotiations, so inept about assessing their own abilities, and more ego driven than seems reasonable, sane or possible. 

But most of all, there is the sycophancy of senators, congressman, justices, cabinet members, voters, newspaper owners, media companies, law firms, churches, and world leaders. That is so stunning to me.

But I shouldn't be so stunned from all of the research I do on this subject, but somehow or other I was not prepared or aware enough of the numbers (!) of sycophants. I also wasn't prepared to see how much people were willing to give up for a leader, and give into a leader, and to repeat crazy-making statements of a leader, and prostate themselves to a leader no matter what they did, what they said, how they acted and whether there are ulterior motives for all of these things. 

Who knew that being led without any reservations was so popular, especially with the whiplash policies enacted and detracted by this administration. 

What happened to: "I agree with this policy, but not that policy", "I think this step is too unethical; I'd rather go in this direction", "Why don't we try ----", "What would you think if we had a 3% tariff instead of a 25% one, and saw how a lower rate played out before raising it? With the advent of serious trade wars, is it really wise to slap a 25% tariff on so many things Americans now rely on?" - Where are these kinds of discussions among Republicans? 

Then there is what Martin Luther King described as "the appalling silence of the good people." 

I wonder to what lengths and depths the sycophancy goes before they stop being sycophants? Or is there a bottomless pit of it to the point where they appear to have absolutely no convictions, no thoughts or minds of their own, no actions of their own, like one of those wind-up robot storm troopers who fall all over one another in Darth Vader's regime?

Or will they simply be lobotomized in a final act of taking every shred of a will if they dare anything other than mere puppet strings attached to their mind and soul? 

People who have literally lost their own minds in exchange for being dictated to can't really serve a country, let alone constituents, can they? 

So maybe I'll write an article on the sycophants themselves after a number of years have gone by just to see how much they will sell their soul, to see how much they give up on morals and truth-telling, to see how much criminal behavior they have let become normalized and "every-day", to see how much hypocrisy they allow in policies and laws, to see just how much the sycophants mirror their leader even in terms of speech, types of words, types of expressions, and types of dress and hair (as the "favored" children in abusive households often do), to see if they all get voted out or disfavored when and if Trump ever vacates the Oval Office. He has said that "you'll never have to vote again" ... another link from Reuters via You Tube, another from ABC 7 in Chicago via You Tube, another from SP ESPN (full clip of Trump's part of that speech via You Tube) so I doubt he's planning on leaving willingly.

And how will that play out? 

Trump may have to go to The Supreme Court, or ignore The Supreme Court for a ruling on that!

So why won't we be able to vote again? Because each and every loyal sycophant and their storm troopers will guard all of the voting booths throughout the land from being used? Will there be Marshall Law because America has invaded Canada or Greenland, or because the country is too broken to function?

And then there's the Department of Government Efficiency run by a guy on daily doses of Ketamine, Elon Musk, a non-native from South Africa, who said that "empathy is destroying American life" (and here's another link where he remarks that "The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy.") What could possibly go wrong with that? - said facetiously, of course! 

The dismantling of government agencies is startling, with many mistakes requiring re-hiring, which tells me that impulsivity and speediness are top agendas in these matters. "Destroy and build back if we need to"? But what if those workers find other jobs in the meantime?

In terms of the empathy deficit issue, the problem with having empathy (trying to mind-read Musk here) is that you can't just blindly and without reservation go fire thousands upon thousands of workers without feeling something about their plight, or about the beneficial jobs they did for the American people, or about the people who were reliant upon these agencies, or about any reactions to it at all? "We don't care about any reactions at all to the dismantling"? Is that it?

Without empathy, I'd bet you can destroy just about anything you want without thinking about repercussions fanning out into all aspects of society, culturally, personally (health, disability and education, transportation), and even ecologically, financially and internationally. 

Or is it a ticket to a couple of individuals feeling powerful and invincible 24/7? 

I heard from someone recently who lives in the northeast that their local Wildlife Reserve's building for its workers was without heat and lights, and that the government had taken them off of their website. So this is how they keep from firing workers directly, just make sure the heat and lights for the buildings aren't paid? Hmm, I suspect there will be other stories like this about government agencies or reserves, yes?

And then there are the tariffs (or at least the threat of very high tariffs). I agree with economics Professor Emeritus Richard Wolff on that. It's not about lowering taxes, the usual broad policy that American Republicans usually vote on. It's adding huge taxes of 25 % on imported goods when most of what we buy from food, to petroleum, to clothes, to construction supplies and everything in-between are mostly exported into this country. So it won't make the average Republican voter's life better; it will make their lives considerably worse. And it will cause inflation. 

As for Democrats who are willing to pay more taxes to get more services and safety nets, they've been let down too economically. The amount of taxes doesn't seem to add up to many services any more, at least not the kind of services you'd expect for the amount of money you pay, and not the kind of efficiency you'd expect. So they are disenchanted with the economic picture too, and probably even more angry than Republicans are that the tax money they pay are going to tax breaks for the billionaires. 

And the reason why the services are falling apart and getting dismantled more and more is because their taxes are being used to pay on the debt, at least partly. And who owns most U.S. debt? China and Japan. China has used the money to build their own big empire and to align with Russia, Iran and other dictatorships. 

Where do all of these facts I write about come from? Economists, and researchers and professors of economics (like Richard Wolff). Look them up yourself. 

Knowing all of this, I decided to take some time to reassess my own life and challenges in the present time, which is why I haven't been publishing posts for this blog. 

In the meantime, my general questions about humans who are granted power, attention or rewards run along these lines (talking about the sycophants among us mainly): 

* How often do humans give up their own convictions and moral codes to get more rewards, attention and power?

* What is the rate of abandoning convictions in terms of getting more rewards, attention and power?

* And are they more likely to give up convictions and moral codes of conduct when they feel threatened by a dictatorial person? 

* Are they willing to give up more convictions and moral codes of conduct to the more brutal dictators than the less brutal ones? 

* Are there any studies on whether sycophancy makes a person less intelligent, less able to make good decisions? Does it decrease cognition, shut off parts of the brain similar to PTSD, decreases the ability to decipher effective outcomes for problems that take a lot of detailed thought? Since all a person has to do is parrot, I wonder how much any kind of thinking goes off-line?

* Are sycophants more lazy than the rest of us? 

* Do sycophants primarily do what they are told to do to get the issues off of their back?

* Do sycophants fawn much more than they need to if they are yelled at or over-powered verbally (such as Trump did in the Oval Office when Zelenskyy tried to speak)? 

* Why do so many sycophants stay quiet when a leader is yelling at another person? Do they want to speak up? Or do they shrivel from speaking because they are frightened? 

* Which is more prevalent for sycophants: the freeze response or the fawn response, and in what contexts?

* What parts of the brain go off-line and which parts light up when they see their "dictatorial person" walk in the room looking angry? Looking calm? In a rage, even if they are just the bystander? In a blinding rage, even if the rage isn't making sense to them? Looking smug? Rolling their eyes? And so on ... (I'm sure these answers aren't available and haven't even been studied ... I haven't been able to find much of anything).

* Is the human race, in general, becoming more boot-licking or less? Are we evolving to become more fawning or less fawning? 

* And why do scapegoats of societies fight back against being expected to fawn? Are they really different in that way compared to most people? Is there something different about their brains even? And if fawning and sycophancy is "the normal way", do they feel outcast because they aren't like that? 

* How much do people respect sycophancy when it goes to more and more extremes such as normalizing constant raging, sins, ethics, crimes, and murders? Is there really no end to ever-deepening sycophancy once someone goes more and more in that direction? Do they even know what they think, believe, know any more? Or can it all change in an instant?

* Do they believe the dictator, or do they self-check? And if they do self-check, how much, and is it dependent on how ruthless the dictator is?

* And if "their great leader" falters and falls from disgrace, do they minimize the fall, or the unethical behavior and say things like, "He had his good points", "He's human. Like everyone, he made mistakes", "It really wasn't that bad", and so on. And do they tell others who were hurt by his actions to "forgive and forget", to "move on already!", to "think about the future", to "think about the good things rather than the bad things he did", to "be thankful for what you got rather than unthankful for what you didn't get", to "see him the way we did", and so on. 

* Do most sycophants have splintered personalities where they don't know who they are except as an arm and a brown-noser of a dictator? 

* Do sycophants like being similar to a dictator, or are their actions primarily fear-driven? 

* Do sycophants like being sycophants until their leader is disgraced? 

* Do they think that not being a sycophant isn't a normal human quality, that rebels are abnormal or sub-human? Do they have arrogance as a sycophant as compared to rebels? 

* Do they think that when they are a sycophant that they are showing gratitude, even if that leader has very few altruistic motives and very criminal ones? 

* Do all sycophants think in terms of loyalty and gratitude no matter what unethical policies are being enacted, or how many crimes are being committed (in other words, how common is this way of thinking for sycophants)?

* Are there more rewards for sycophancy, more acceptance, than speaking your own mind and having convictions? Or does it just look like more rewards with terrible down-sides towards the end of a reign? 

* How often do sycophants serve as flying monkeys to a dictator in the end (flying monkeys referring not to just enabling, but doing the dictator's bidding, dirty deeds, and crimes, and also taking the rap for those actions instead of making the dictator responsible and accountable)?

* How often do lawyers, prosecutors and judges become sycophants or enabling? What are the statistics on that? Does sycophancy in these professions lead to corruption? It would seem yes, right?

I'd really like to know the answers to these questions, but undoubtedly they have to be researched by bona-fide researchers at universities and colleges to make the research scientific, and I doubt there's anything but a handful of articles, if even that, written about this phenomenon. 

In the meantime, I'll watch congressmen, senators, judges, cabinet members, et al, to see how far they'll go into more sycophancy, to see if it is the popular personality type of the moment or of the years. I bet it gets tested to the max! And I'd bet this is what Trump means in terms of loyalty: "How much of a sycophant can you really be for me? And by the way, do you believe the 2020 election was stolen from me?"

FUTURE POST

Before I publish my posts on "Poverty and Scapegoats" and "Are Scapegoats Really Rebellious?", I finished another post on hoovering, a subject that is important in the study of narcissism and why survivors often go back to their abusers. Hoovering is also a precursor to stalking, and stalking is against the law.

Hoovering is something that I mention enough in my own posts, but there is either no link, or a link to other writers on the subject. Because it has been written about extensively I thought it would be a bit redundant or boring. 

No. It was actually pretty interesting and vital to the discussions and includes how narcissists use head games and manipulations to get you "back into your place" on their power and control hierarchy, where they take the lead, and you take the rear, of course. If you refuse to get back in place, I discuss the repercussions of that. And with narcissists there are always repercussions even with the ultimate in what they want: total and blind sycophancy. 

PART I: Some of How Trauma Bonds Are Formed with Narcissists

© Lise Winne
"Trauma Bond with False Narrative Blaming Cycle of Abuse" (all rights reserved)

In this post I discuss how trauma bonds can happen, and what is at stake for the recipient of the trauma bond. 

First of all, in trauma bonds there are always going be stark power differentials, where the person who holds the most power will want to take away from the person with less power. For narcissists, that usually means they want to take away the autonomous decisions, self esteem, and sense of peace from the person they deem as less powerful, so that they can gain more and more power over that individual for themselves. 

Ruminating that a less powerful individual that they've been taking power away from, even the power to take away autonomous decisions from that individual, will usually cause them to rage at, possibly reject, and resent that individual. 

Most trauma bonds in close personal relationships are between a parent and dependent child, between a parent and a disabled adult child, in a marriage where one partner lords power over their partner, and between siblings where one sibling (most often a favorite golden child who is financially and lovingly rewarded by parental figures) tries to control, damage and take something from another sibling (most often a scapegoat child who is financially punished by parental figures and where their love has been  withdrawn).

For the purposes of this post, I will be talking about situations between two adult partners in an intimate relationship, and mention more briefly the kind of trauma bond that is often formed between a parent and child. 

Since this is part of a series, I will be mentioning other kinds of trauma bonds eventually as they can occur between a boss and a worker, between an invader and the invaded, between soldiers and their captives, between a cult leader and their followers, between a president or national leader and the population, between a more powerful nation and a less powerful nation, between a drug dealer and addict, between a pimp and his prostitutes, between a perpetrator of child sexual abuse and his victim, and so on. A lot of these relationships can have violence and threats in them to make victims submit and to be more and more submissive.

On-going trauma bonds, particularly for children where the trauma bond is being instigated by a parent can be life long and can have a lot of adverse and devastating effects not only for the child, but for the parent, family, and for society will be discussed much later. Since trauma-bonding can effect the brain, brain development, and even what trauma survivors focus on (i.e. how to relate to perpetrators) it will also ultimately effect the evolution of the human species too. As a species, are we going to spend our time focusing on science, the health of a beautiful planet, the health of other people so that their attentions will be on the greater pursuits of human beings, the ability to make great, great works of art, architecture, beautiful cities, healthy joyful relationship building, or are we going to spend most of our time on the planet attacking and defending?

IN ADULT RELATIONSHIPS
(PARTICULARLY BETWEEN MARRIAGE PARTNERS AND INTIMATE PARTNERS)

To start off, I'm going to introduce you to a common way that power-hungry people (namely narcissists) decide to traumatize you and then intermittently award you for putting up with their rages. And I found a perfect example in a You Tube video by Dr. Ramani Durvasula called When narcissists HARM YOU and then expect a HUG... . I will expound on her video in this post so that you can see where this leads, and why, so often the narcissist abandons a person who is not falling in line with being controlled, some of the science as to why it doesn't work very well for them in any long term way even with an extreme power differential, and why the trauma bonded can also abandon the narcissist too. 

Following is some of what she said in that video (in blue type) to explain what can create a trauma bond. The "push-pull" reaction, and why the "Jekyll/Hyde" behavior that is on display here by the narcissist is what will create trauma in the other person.

I decided to write her words out, so that you can study them, and understand what is going on between both parties. 

     Trauma bonds are created by the alternation of bad and good, a good day and a bad day, idealization and devaluation. Sometime back in my podcast, the actress and writer Rebecca Humphries - she said it the most beautifully when she said in the narcissistic relationship she was in, it was like being pushed off a 100 story building and then the narcissist manages to be the one catch you just as you are about to hit the ground. So they are not just your abuser, they also become your savior.

And that is how trauma bonds get created and reinforced. ...
     Often in toxic relationships, they devalue, they demean, they insult, they argue, and once they feel better (it's like they let it all out), then they go in for the hug.
     Let's say it's a situation where they can't find their keys, and they believe that you've moved them. They say, "Hey, where are my keys!? Seriously, where are my keys!?"
     You may respond, "I don't know. I haven't seen them today."
     They say, "Yes! Yes you have seen my keys! You had to have seen my keys! I came home and I put them here, and you always move my stuff! You are so damned disorganized! Look at this mess! You don't put stuff away! I'm so sick of it! You have ruined my day! I need to go out in ten minutes to pick up that stuff and if I don't do it, then my entire day is going to be messed up! How could you do this to me!? How could you mess with my keys!?"
     Now imagine they are saying this relatively loudly like I was trying to show, and you really, really did not touch their keys. Some of you may go and try to look for the keys. Others of you may be having a freeze response where you're just sort of stuck. Some of you may fight back, but most of you will not feel well at this point. There will be more yelling. They are still trying to find them, then they say, "To hell with it! I am taking your car! Too bad if you need it!" And they grab their coat and put it on and viola: their car keys are in their pocket.
     They feel that pocket and they feel that jingle and they say, "Got 'em!" and then "I'm heading out!" and no apology. But as they are about to head out (and this is the part that's not okay), they may come in for a hug.
     They'll say, "Oh, come on! Let's make up!" and they'll come in for the hug or the kiss, and you mean well at this point, but you may feel sick, exhausted, depleted, scared, or triggered, but they may want to have a snuggle or a kiss and where "Let's make up!" makes no sense because they were the ones who were screaming at you for something you didn't do. It was largely a one-sided argument (if you want to call it an argument because there was no other side to it) ...
     ... If you freeze up and don't respond, they are going to tell you that you are difficult and unforgiving. But at a somatic level, to have the person who just psychologically harmed you, and then tried to touch you in a soothing or intimate manner (for lack of a better way to say it), it's kind of gross. And once again, you may feel that there is no response you're allowed to have - because if you push back or don't respond to them - it all starts again.
     It's always important to remember that narcissistic folks always use conflict to regulate. The yelling and screaming and abuse allow them to reassert their power, and as they shatter you, they feel better. So after they feel better (and that coupled with their lack of empathy), then as far as they're concerned, everything's fine. And they come in for the hug, and they just assume you want to snuggle because your argument is done. And they play upon your self-blame and your self doubt because when you push back and say, "I'm not hugging you!" and "We're going to have to talk about this more" and just say "This doesn't feel okay", then you become the bad person who can't let go of stuff.
     It feels very violating when someone swoops in for a hug or a snuggle, or a kiss after they have harmed you, and there has not been a period of time for you to talk it out, or work it through. Everything is on their time frame. And the more that happens, the worse it feels. Things that happen in the relationship feel like they are happening to you, and not with you. You are relegated to being an object, a sort of adult pacifier that they use to regulate, and when they are done with the yelling, they will want to regulate by being held. It's really not much different than a tantrum-ing toddler that screams and cries, and starts yelling in the middle of a store, and then they need a hug from the parent afterwards. But there's a big difference. That toddler is three, not fifty three. But many people are confused, and really put off ... It definitely reinforces, as you can imagine, the trauma bond. And it can also reinforce that somehow "You're the one who is closed off, you're the one who is mean. You're the one who is cold or unforgiving" if you don't just go with it. It's not true, but it is an absolute Catch-22 because there is no way you can talk to them about it and share your feelings. And then there is the stuck-ness, and that tees up the self blame.
     ... When someone goes from rage to affection, it's very normal not to want to hug back ... it's not about you holding back, or being distant, or holding a grudge, it's that other person not having empathy, or absolutely no awareness, of how their behavior is effecting you. So if that dynamic happens, be aware. It is quite harmful, and it reinforces a trauma bond.
     And when they constantly put themselves in this position of tyrant and tormenter, and lover and hugger and care-er, of perpetrator and savior, there's really no winning at that game, and it really helps you to understand why this relationship is not only so difficult to remain sort of sane in, but even more difficult ... to get out of. 

What Dr. Ramani doesn't fully explain in her video (although she does explain it in many of her other videos) is that while the trauma bond is building, the person on the receiving end of the rages and hugs is usually responding with these trauma reactions: fawn, fight, flight, freeze, or avoid. 

To a narcissist, these trauma reactions are narcissistic supply and they may very well be thinking these things (*trigger warning*):

Fawning: "You're going to fawn!? Good! That's what I want, for you to do everything I want, when I want it, and I'll correct how you're responding! Please me now! I'll guide the way on how you can please me!"

Fighting back: "You're fighting!? How dare you fight me! We'll just see who wins this fight! I'll win it, that's who! I'm superior and I'll knock you down a peg or two, and punish you! If you defend yourself, then that is your way of fighting with me too. I don't respect your defenses and explanations. I'll find a way to make you feel guilty and pay whether I'm the one who lost the keys or not! You are not to mess with my rages and perceptions! Got that!?"

Freezing: "You're just going to sit there in your frozen state! You're supposed to be reacting, or at least looking for my goddam keys! What's the matter with you!? Are you crazy or something!? This is important! This is what I hate about you! You're totally useless at a time like this! You're supposed to be looking for my keys! Anyone else would be looking for my keys! But not you! You're so incompetent. In fact, you're crazy! "

Fleeing (flight): "You're going to just walk away! You have better things to do than look for my keys which you moved on purpose!? I see that I'm high on your priority list! Always running away when there are important issues in this house! For all I'm getting around here, it's no wonder I'm not having an affair! You owe it to me not to escape and to help me find the keys that you actually moved! Maybe you moved them on purpose just to get me into that state! Did you do it!?" 

Avoid: "You weren't home when the keys went missing! What are you trying to do!? Avoid me!? Because if you are, I'm going to catch up with you! I never put those keys in my pocket, goddam it! You did it! I had to spend hours looking for them too! It's your fault, and as soon as you realize it, the better!" 

Some of this may not be said outright, but they are inferred. 

The partner of the narcissist is going to be undergoing situations that resemble the keys situation over, and over, and over, and over again. It won't just be about keys, obviously. It may, in fact take over every conversation depending on how controlling they are.

If they are true run-of-the-mill narcissists, they'll be telling you what you did, or thought, or felt, and they will be enraged about it. If you disagree with them, they'll be invalidating your disagreements because it doesn't fit in with their blaming narrative, and what they perceive as "the truth". I talk about why they do this below (it has to do with a number of traits that are particular to narcissists, and why, even when they are caught, can't readily admit why they screwed up. For the meantime I'll say it is a compulsion: they feel they need to blame and rage, even if they might not be in touch with reality, or what it is doing to the other person). 

Anyway, the same sort of situations will play out again and again that resemble "the keys" diatribe. It might happen when you forget to pick up the clothes at the dry cleaners. It might be about not putting enough gas in the car. It might be about not setting the table to the narcissist's exacting standards. It might be about why you weren't thanking them enough when they got you to the hospital after getting the car in an accident where you were the passenger. It might be about how you caused the accident because they told you they were tired, and you should have been the one to drive. It might be about how you didn't ask for forgiveness when they were giving you the silent treatment. It might be because they wanted to leave you the message that you were no longer allowed to talk to them about anything. 

The silent treatment is hard to figure out, and the reasons why narcissists use it are often indecipherable and muddy for a reason, but you can bet you aren't going to know the real reason, and you will surely fail at doing what they want when they go silent on you, so they refuse to discuss anything at all with you. If you do attempt to get to the bottom of it, you'll most likely get a similar kind of confusing blaming and rage session as the "keys incident", only much, much worse. 

Most narcissists don't communicate directly, but leave interpretations open-ended so that if you accuse them of the silent treatment, they can blame you for not really understanding what was really going on. It's a dirty mind game, of course, but this is a common narcissistic tactic that you should always be aware of. 

They may even do this cycle of erroneous blaming, then attacking (insults, yelling, threats) in about every situation in your joint relationship after awhile, and over every action and reaction you make, in a kind of micro-managing style as in the movie, Sleeping with the Enemy. The cycle is very common, even with the hug at the end, but I would bet that eventually you won't even get that, that the only reactions you'll get over time are the crazy blaming and rages. Most of your relationship, for them, will be about how you respond to the blinding rages, whether you respond, what you do when you respond, while they are blaming you for the next thing you didn't do. 

Or let us say that there are some situations where they are half-right, but they are not listening to the context or situation that it happened in, and they go on raging at you about what they believe really happened, and they still won't let you explain or defend yourself, or tell them what the situation is because they are on to the next false accusations ... 

They decide what you are doing, thinking, feeling, planning, and you're supposed to go along with what they believe, and respond to it all in such a way that they want, to show themselves that they still have control over you and how you react. As Dr. Ramani said in her video, they become addicted to treating you this way to get themselves emotionally regulated, feeling at peace within themselves and the relationship, and in charge, but it is all at your expense.

As the relationship progresses, the false accusations build up. Their suspicions (paranoia) build up at the same time about what you are possibly doing, what you are possibly thinking, and what you are possibly feeling - and whether you'll think of bucking their control over you, or whether you will hurt them, or run off on them when they start to rage for the 1,658th time in your relationship with them. Usually by the time they become really paranoid of your intentions (which is why there are false narratives to begin with, in part), many of them can't live with the paranoia or any reaction that isn't what they have come to expect, so they often end relationships at this point, suddenly, without explanation. They reason with themselves that they need someone ultra predictable, weak and timid, who can be groomed to be a better sycophant. 

The problem with abrupt endings to relationships, especially when you aren't getting anything but muddled confusing narratives, reasons and messages, is that there are usually matters to settle between you, even if it is just going to be about retrieving some of your clothes, or asking if they are going to be at a party you both were invited to (going to a party where the two of you are separated is difficult to deal with just after a break-up, and it's reasonable to ask your ex-partner if they will be there). 

But there, again, they are going to be raging at you over something, perhaps for accepting their rejection (and not working hard for their approval), or they'll be raging at you because: "I made it clear I don't want to talk to you! And I could care less whether you will be at that party or not! There's plenty of fish in the sea and I'll just ignore you! So there!" Or if it's about your clothes: "You're worried about your clothes at a time like this! I could care less about that pink cocktail dress you always thought you looked great in! It belongs in the dumpster and that's where I'm putting it! You must be crazy to want that back! I hate the color pink! But you were always too blind to see it! You are too blind to see anything that I like and don't like, apparently!"

Any response they have will be unpleasant to deal with.

These arguments (or actually diatribes) are most often no-win situations. Relationships with narcissists don't end the way most relationships do, with a lot of discussion beforehand, especially about compromises you could both make to solve a problem. In most relationships, the problem is the issue between you, but with narcissists, the problem is almost always going to be about what they believe about you, or what they think or falsely want to present to themselves and everyone else as an emerging problem with your character, mind, or perceptions. This is what gaslighting is about. 

Narcissists are, for the most part, compromise-resistant, and will be manipulating ways to keep you "in the game" without compromising on anything. If they are able to do a little bit of it, I'd bet anything that they'll be giving an inch to your mile in that department, and then try to hoard all of the power again later on.

Again this has to do with the fact that they can't admit they are wrong (it risks their vulnerability), and the entitlement that they have that you have to go along with them no matter how far from the truth they are. 

Narcissists will usually tell you that you are crazy and that no one would ever love you or put up with you except them (they'll try to make themselves out to be eternally patient), and in general they will try to wear down your self esteem and nullify your relationships. This the other gaslighting tactic, trying to make you feel that you are alone and will be surrounded by other attackers as long as you ignore their pleas to do what they tell you to do (make them faultless and make yourself at fault). 

But let's say that the narcissist says that he gave you the silent treatment because he wants you to coddle him, and try to please him more, and he gives you that as the reason for why he went silent on you. 

It is very unlikely he will change the way he treated you before. Because abuse escalates, it'll probably get worse. He is most likely trying to fine-tune the sycophantry and submissiveness that you provide. 

And you may be back in your old role over trauma bonding or co-dependency. There may be finances involved. There may be guilt involved: like the idea that you didn't try hard enough to please him. You might be frightened over a threat he has made. Maybe he is physically abusive and you are aware of the statistics of how many women are killed in the first few weeks of leaving their partner. You may not have a good plan in place on how to escape. Or you may just love the perpetrator. The reasons for staying are endless. 

You may be highly empathic, and every time your partner has a fit, there may be enough affection that you feel guilty for not accepting it. 

After enough of these episodes, and without some respite, or some kind of intervention (like a person who goes to bat for you), you are likely going to have full blown PTSD. 

PTSD symptoms are involuntary, with physical, mental and emotional repercussions.  If you are getting therapy for PTSD, these kinds of scenes (losing keys, silent treatments, and so much more) contribute to why your therapist may be insisting that going "no contact" may be the the only way to heal from the PTSD, and all of the symptoms that are present. It also gets you out of the loop of continual trauma responses, and giving in (bonding over and over again over the perpetrator's inclination to stir up traumatic situations where your life hangs in the balance, or finances, or your work, or children, or pets, or anything that is being threatened by them). 

One of the major symptoms of PTSD is not being able to sleep, of being in a hypervigilant state. At the point you aren't able to sleep, you are keyed up about the next impending false accusations or attacks by your partner. Your anxiety about all of this is such that it is keeping you awake at night. Your partner, on the other hand, may be sleeping just fine. Blowing off steam has regulated them enough so that they feel at peace, contented with the state of things. There is no looming danger to their authority or conscience about how they treat you. This may make them feel better, but for you, it is not only impinging on your happiness, wellbeing on all levels, ability to focus, ability to get through the next day with your best foot forward, it is literally driving you into more and more disability.

And aside from disability, narcissists are often trying to strip away any independence or autonomy you used to enjoy when you made your own decisions, had your own thoughts and feelings without someone countering you with what they want to believe, had your own relationships without the narcissist commenting on them or interfering in them. 

PTSD is a normal condition to being exposed to narcissistic fits day in and day out, but it can also be qualified as a disability, because the symptoms are such that they hobble your day to day ability to function at capacity. In the most severe cases you will be trembling from head to foot, and really won't be able to concentrate on anything people are saying to you, or about you.

To get a semblance of PTSD, try not sleeping for 3 days, and see how you feel. Then add in anxiety about being attacked or told what you think or feel (when you don't feel or think what they believe you do), and try to defend yourself in such a state, or get someone to start a crazy-making erroneous-accusatory argument with you after not sleeping for three days. See how well you do with their accusations, and how they try to manipulate certain negative responses from you. Get the person to rage in your face a few times too, and perhaps insult you in many, many ways (how incompetent you are, that they should just leave you to the dogs, that you never meant anything to them - just tell them to hammer you with this BS until you have that wide-eyed stare, and where you no longer seem to be comprehending what they are raging about). Then have them kick you once for not responding any more. See if your nerves are frayed after that episode, and take note of your symptoms, and imagine that the way they treat you largely goes on day after day, after day, and intermingle it with a few episodes of audacious and very confusing affections. Do you feel weepy? Are you begging them to stop it? And what happens when you ask them to stop it? 

They continue it, right? No one is going to stop them from their God given right to attack! Right? 

Now imagine you are so exhausted that you finally do fall asleep. But you have nightmares about being attacked by them. They are very vivid dreams. And when you wake up, there they are! Looking right at you with more rage in their heart. "You're done with sleeping! Get up and do something useful!" they shout at you. Take note of your symptoms after that. 

I'd bet you'd want to crawl under a rock. I bet you want them to just leave you alone already! Right?

And some of them do leave you alone, but not in a good way. They take all of the money out of your joint account, for instance. Or they get other people to lecture you about what a great, great person your abuser is. They run smear campaigns about you to other people. They taunt you with a new lover perhaps. They bait you about wanting to be left alone, as if that is totally unreasonable: "After all I have done for you," they say, "and all we have meant to each other, you're going to leave me in the lurch!?" - it's another blaming tactic and you're supposed to feel guilty, put your PTSD symptoms on hold somehow just for them, but your PTSD symptoms have the upper hand (usually).

The trauma bond at that point is starting to unravel apart because of the symptoms of PTSD in response to attacks, invalidations, and feeling hostage. Once your flight responses are more numerous than your fawn responses, or freeze responses, you are going to want to leave. It's actually better to leave before you get to that point, because you will leave much less disabled. The more disabled you are, and when you are at the point of thinking "I HAVE to get out of this! I WILL get out of this!" You will most likely have to build a new life from scratch, and the more disabled you are, the harder it will be to take on that monumental challenge. 

And it is monumental. Most survivors of narcissistic abuse go through retaliations by their exes, which again, is very confusing considering how much contempt they have shown you, and usually they are threatening to leave you or giving you the silent treatment, and usually they try to show you that they don't care about your feelings too. So why would they be angry and retaliatory if we leave? 

Some of the answers can be found in Jason Skidmore's video, a man diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder where admits to doing fake discards. Since narcissists often use other forms of stonewalling and silent treatments with their discards, it leaves it up to the survivor how they are going to interpret and respond to a discard. And what I have seen so far is that they tend to go in the direction of family values and family upbringing and what I mean by this is: Let us say that the recipient of the discard is from a family who thinks their daughter has been treated horribly, that discards have no place in an intimate relationship. She's more likely to take the discard as so unreasonable that it should not be responded to. Then there are other families who want you to talk to your partner, to work things out face to face, and to insist on it, or to go to counseling if both of you do not come to any conclusions, so you might try to talk to them, and report back to your family to get more advice from them. The other side of the coin are abusive families who expect women to beg their men to take them back, and sometimes, but not as often, for men to beg women to take them back - it's one way to ensure a trauma bond will go on and on. And then there are families with so many estranged members that the message is that if you attempt a return, nothing will work out, that there are no resolutions and that there is nothing you can do about it. 

Or let us say that you read survivor forums and go to meetings with other domestic abuse survivors and it becomes clear that not only were there no resolutions for the high number of cases (or quite often all of the cases), where the abuse got much, much worse when they went back. In some of these cases you will find that it became a life-threatening situation. 

To make matters worse, at the point of the discard, narcissists usually play the victim as well as spread more false narratives to get their co-bullies, enablers, and sycophants to attack you, or to tell you of the dire straights you left them in (when most likely they DARVO'd you). There will be all kinds of social pressures to get you back into the trauma bond again. It's a huge betrayal on the discarder's part, and for most victims, it seems scary, like how criminals act when they get caught and want to make it someone else's fault. My sense is that DARVOs don't work in bringing any survivor back; in fact, it creates a lot more barriers.

Then there are narcissists who get fixated on beliefs about you. The least obnoxious is that they believe that you have a permanent flaw of ingratitude. In fact, if you watch other videos by narcissists, they become quite fixated on that - and there are videos by Jason Skidmore of "The Nameless Narcissist" (mentioned above) where he talks about gaining leadership positions and being a mastermind in some games in friendship circles in high school and college where his friends bailed on him, and on how it hurt him greatly, where his mind went in the direction of wanting to hurt them for the "ingratitude" he perceived they had.  

But I have to say that it usually gets way worse than fixations of only "perceived ingratitude". After listening to so many survivor stories about the kinds of things perpetrators say about their victims, it can get really "far out". For instance, one parent became absolutely convinced that her daughter was bringing home fake report cards from school (because she was convinced her daughter was stupid), and even when her daughter told her mother to contact the teacher to see if the report card was real, the mother would find other ways to justify her belief such as the daughter talking the teacher into giving her better grades than she deserved, trying to play teacher's pet, and threatening the teacher. If perpetrators believe, or are stubborn about holding on to a false belief, you are not going to be able to say much without repercussions (whether they rage at you for convincing them or others that they were wrong - which narcissists hate - or they do everything they can to ignore the truth).

Another survivor's family was convinced that their physician family member was a clandestine prostitute on the side (and eventually it was found that the mother in that situation was a prostitute and assumed her physician daughter was one too). So a lot of it is projection.

Another survivor's family from a right wing community told all of the relatives that their daughter ran off with Antifa and was living in an LGBTQ commune when the real truth was that she left because of on-going physical abuse by her father as well as his propensity to continually make up things about her, isolating her further and further with him. What really happened is that she moved far away, was never part of a liberal community, and didn't know a single LGBTQ person, and was living alone scared out of her mind in an apartment. She was scared that her father's family and friends would beat her up over false accusations. In that case, it would seem the message was clear: "don't come back". Otherwise why make up such stories about his own daughter?

The most dangerous one was where a survivor went back to her abuser and the abuser beat her up badly at the doorway. She managed to get away and was hospitalized, but it became a case where the abuser believed he was in danger from the abused because if he had been abused like she was, he would have tried to kill the person who abused him. 

So part of the trauma bond is living continuously with fantasies, false narratives, dangerous assumptions and diabolical lies to get others to threaten you, abuse you, or kill you. And guess what? You often won't know which one it is. There are some signs, like the DARVO that can immediately put you on "DISTRUST ALERT", but most survivors are usually really surprised at how far their abusers will go to hurt them.

And, of course, narcissists can have Narcissistic Collapse where they feel that their egos or the image they are trying to portray to others is in immediate jeopardy, where they feel they will never be able to reach the heights they did before (even if those heights were illusory and were only propped by manipulations of other people), and where they can be on a mission to hurt a person, or type of people that remind them of someone who they believe provoked their narcissistic collapse. 

In that way, abusers can be like preppers. Preppers are known to build long tunnels on their property and store them full of food because they believe that a situation is building where their lives are under threat from world events out of their control. The one difference between them and abusers is that abusers "prep" for an attack by their victim.

It can be one of the reasons they attack you without provocation. It can be one of the reasons they spread false narratives and insist that people believe them, and protect them from phantom ostracism and victimization.

It can be one of the reasons they indulge in so many false narratives, as if you'll spread lies about them first and they'll be left without friends or family or a support group, so they do it to you as soon as they think you are not coming back.

It can be one of the reasons why they always left you out of social situations, or isolated you from family, or why they decided on estrangement over continuing the relationship they had with you, or why they took you out of their Will, because they falsely believe you will be trashing them and being as scary as they are. 

And it may even have to do with why they rage at you or abuse you if they perceive they have been criticized by you - because when they criticize there are many, many agendas behind their criticisms including trying to dominate you, take away your decision-making, take away your relationships, and take away your freedoms.

What this has to do with is that a lot of narcissists are paranoid, and some even have Paranoid Personality Disorder (another link), in addition to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which tends to be the more malignant brand of narcissism where there is sadism and/or violence being expressed. The combination can be deadly, so it may be best not to go back, at least to a private residence (if they tell you they want to talk to you, consider a public place). If they are spreading a lot of false narratives about you (smear campaigns) that seem really delusional with a lot of false victim stories, you can see why this might be dangerous.

You would think that with all of the blaming, contempt, criticisms and insults they have for you that they would be happy that you left, or that they instigated a silent treatment, but the fact is that, as Dr. Ramani said in her video (and which I transcribed above), "It's always important to remember that narcissistic folks always use conflict to regulate. The yelling and screaming and abuse allow them to reassert their power, and as they shatter you, they feel better."

In other words, they need you back in your role, taking blame and abuse so that they can feel regulated and in charge. Perhaps when they feel they can't use you as a rage receptacle, they discard and use the DARVO. This also has everything to do with why they gaslight. If we were to add gaslighting to Dr. Ramani's tale, the gaslighting would sound like: "You know, you're so crazy that you didn't know you lost my keys. You go around and take things of mine, and then put them in my coat pocket on purpose so that you know I'm not going to find them." 

Gaslighting just gets you to PTSD symptoms a lot faster.  

Narcissists do not care about PTSD, and the symptoms and disabilities it presents. If they are instructed by a health care provider or mental health counselor about strategies to keep a peaceful, calm environment, they don't do it. They look at PTSD as a weakness, in fact, and something that is inconvenient. They have a love/hate relationship with you, just as they do any disabled person. A disability to them means: a limited amount of narcissistic supply where they can rage and insult like crazy, where the disabled person is too disabled to defend themselves against the attacks, but cannot do much more for them than that. Any other potential ego trips are stifled by the disability. 

I taught school, and the disabled are often picked to bully the most because they have fewer defenses and less of a network of peer support than the bullies do (usually). Bullies aren't going to look at an individual with PTSD differently than someone with a physical disability. On the playground, they might refer to a child with PTSD as "stupid", "retarded" (because children with PTSD are often amygdala hijacked). In terms of the amygdala hijack, it means the capacity to learn has been hijacked by hypervigilance, and walking on eggshells to temper the narcissist's clockwork rages). They may be referred to as "a baby" because children with PTSD tend to cry a lot more, and can appear inconsolable and unaffected even when they are comforted or teased about their crying. That is because they are literally living in pain most of the time. They can be described as a kid "no one likes" because kids with PTSD tend to isolate and not trust others. 

In terms of adult bullying, many of the same kinds of phrases will be lobbed at the partner, but they might say things like "intellectually challenged", or "insane", or "socially inept" - the more grown up phrases. Or they may say things which denigrate your PTSD: "Oh, here we go again! Your PTSD is activated again! You know, I've just about had it with your PTSD! You've got excuses to cry and be spacey again! Boohoo! But guess what!? I didn't activate it! You're a weak person who can't take a little argument! Or an insult! Such a baby! Waaahhhhh!!!!"

In terms of the way adults bully, it is not much different than the way kids engage in schoolyard bullying.

I will talk about the set of traits that attract other bullies in another post. Every scapegoat, and ex-partner of a narcissist, should learn what those traits are so that you can work on them, and so that narcissists won't even notice you, and hopefully not want a relationship with you either. 

Anyway, the PTSD symptoms can go off every time the narcissist is around you: headaches, stomach aches, a deep kind of exhaustion, anxiety through the roof, your heart may even hurt or pound, and you can't even pay attention to what they are saying any more because your own body and mind are all that you can deal with. You feel like you are under constant siege, onslaught, hostage to their nitpicking and rages. And you may get to the point where you don't care about the narcissist any more than they care about you. You just want to escape and get out of the situation. 

If you stay, your symptoms get even worse. You may feel like you can barely function. So escaping is going to cross all of our minds eventually. 

None of us are meant to be under constant onslaught (and having nightmares about a partner, not sleeping, flinching over being touched, and doubled over with stomach aches) in a marriage. 

I came across this from researcher and popular book author, Shahida Arabi, on Facebook: "How is it that narcissists and psychopaths can love bomb their partners so heavily, only to suddenly withdraw, devalue, or attempt to “replace” one person with another? Why do you feel like the narcissist or psychopath no longer “sees” you, is bored with you or that you cease to exist when you challenge the narcissist’s ego by standing up for yourself? Psychologists have a surprising answer to these questions."

This ends up at her Thought Catalog article, The Reason Narcissists Love Bomb and Devalue Their Partners So Easily, According to Psychology. 
     Here is an excerpt from her article (written in blue):
     You’ve heard of the phrase, "out of sight, out of mind." But did you know it applies to the mindset of narcissistic and psychopathic individuals? Object constancy is a term to describe the ability to maintain a consistent perception of objects or people regardless of whether they are physically present or if there are changes to their behaviors, emotional states, or appearance.  For example, children exhibit object constancy when they begin to realize that when their parent has left the room, they have not abandoned them and will usually return. Adults have an expanded sense of object constancy in their relationships, as they are able to still maintain bonds and relationships to people even during minor, temporary conflicts or experiencing emotions of being upset at the person. Psychologists have suggested that narcissistic people can have a distorted sense of emotional “object constancy,” in relationships, which means they can devalue people they once put on a pedestal quite easily because they refuse to hold the simultaneous state of loving and maintaining a bond with someone, while also being upset with them. 
     However, as a researcher specializing in narcissism, I would say it’s more accurate to include that not only do narcissists have a distorted sense of object constancy, they also lack empathy and have an excessive sense of entitlement. These are the driving forces behind their harmful and aggressive behaviors. “Out of sight, out of mind” applies to them emotionally because if their ego is harmed or sense of entitlement rattled, they begin to devalue the very partners they once love bombed heavily without much empathy or remorse, not caring how building a close relationship with someone and then suddenly pretending that person doesn’t exist may affect the other person. 
     This lack of object constancy, lack of empathy, and distorted emotional permanence is also what drives narcissistic and psychopathic people to pit people against one other and maintain a harem of people to “play” with. They seem to devalue other people at the drop of a hat to pursue someone or something they deem more novel or exciting at a moment’s notice.  Narcissists do this because they are attracted to status and prestige, so they’re always on the lookout for people who can boost their image. They place people into categories of “high value” and “low value” based on what these people can do for them or offer to them at the time. That is why it may seem arbitrary and off-putting when they once put you on a pedestal, making you feel important and cherished, only to suddenly pursue another target.
     People who were married to narcissistic individuals can attest to the shock and betrayal they experienced, when, after being the object of the narcissist’s affections and hyper-fixation, they were suddenly devalued or triangulated with another target. Or, partners of narcissists share how they experienced the rage, gaslighting, stonewalling or silent treatment of the narcissist when they stood up to the narcissist, because the narcissist does not allow themselves to keep both states of, “I still have a close relationship with this person and love them,” and “They have hurt my ego,” in mind at the same time. Narcissistic individuals often opt to focus instead on how that person has challenged their ego and entitlement, rather than focus on how this bond can be improved with their partner’s feedback, or create an even stronger bond with more trust and vulnerability. ... 

The whole article is worth reading. 

The point of showing her article to you is that for a person who is not a narcissist or psychopath, this will cause trauma. The rest of us are not built to invest hours every day, and years of our time into a relationship that can go "non-existent" in a second over our partner's ego issues, or because they compulsively decided we are "too low value" for them. 

Okay, so let us say that we get that they have devalued us to "low stature", and we move on with our lives.

But sometimes narcissists circle back around to us because we might do something that gives them a double take. Maybe you are in a relationship with someone who is deemed to be "high value" to them. They might even be afraid that the other person is of higher stature than they are. Or we make a lot of money at something, which makes them feel insecure (that we are on a higher hierarchy of money than they are). I think any number of us can count the times narcissists "showed up" suddenly - one woman I know had an art show and her estranged cruel mother decided to show up to it, and wanted to buy all of the paintings. It was very possible that she wanted to buy the paintings to destroy them because she had destroyed most of her daughter's paintings before.

It can happen with exes too, and someone who had been cruel to me (complete with discard) just happened to show up (with a gift) when he heard the news that I was involved in a project that he had always said he wanted to be a part of. I knew enough about narcissism by then not to trust him at all. 

If narcissists decide to come back at some point, you can see from Arabi's article that they are not doing so for good reasons. It is either to enact a kind of Trojan Horse of reinstating the love bombing to get revenge or to enact a retaliation for their bruised ego, or because they want your success, or because they miss your brand of narcissistic supply and think you can help elevate them by the company you keep. Love for them means "You are of some utility to me"; it does not mean what the rest of us mean. 

If you do accept them a second time, I think you'll see that they'll do another discard no matter what they promise (narcissists do not keep promises, especially these kind). They might keep a promise for the most mundane of matters, and even there they make excuses and slip up. 

The second time they come back and do another discard it can be quite a bit more traumatic than the first time. What I have seen and heard in asking survivors of narcissistic abuse how they survived narcissistic discards twice are these take-aways. If you are discarded in your late teens or early twenties, and are never tempted to go back, you have the best chance of healing, leading a normal happy life, not obsessing over a discard, and building your life from scratch. You can forget about the people who hurt you more easily. If you are discarded again by that same person in middle age, or in your fifties or sixties, it is much, much harder, and I bet PTSD symptoms are through the roof too. Perhaps it is because we are built in such a way where when we are 18 - 20 years old, our lives are more about exploring a grown up world and peer relationships, and moving around a lot, and constantly getting to know new people, that to get bogged down in a toxic partnership/marriage is not as likely. The testosterone levels tend to be higher then for both men and women. You can move on from them more easily because most people in their late teens and early twenties have fluid changeable lives any way, and you are at your healthiest to endure what ever trauma symptoms may temporarily plague you. 

It does not always happen this way, however. When I was in my early twenties and part of a friendship circle of people my own age in my city, a young man from the group had been suddenly, and without explanation, discarded by his girlfriend, and hung himself after pleading with her numerous times to talk to him. I thought about him more than usual because another friend I saw a lot rented the apartment where he hung himself. I ruminated about his self esteem, whether his self esteem had been knocked down in childhood or in his teens before he met his girlfriend, or if it had only been knocked down by her. I never found the answer. 

The specter of suicide can be an issue. Seconds-long discards with cruelty behind them, and the silent treatment following the discard, and lots of stonewalling can, in some cases, produce a suicide. While most of us would care about that, be concerned with how he was handling the issue, and be effected by his suicide (certainly the friendship circle did), I somehow doubt that a narcissist would. As long as they feel they can say "It wasn't my fault" they move on. 

IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH CHILDREN

Obviously children experiencing a trauma bond with a parent or other care-taking adult, and an on-going cycle of the false narrative blaming cycle is going to be tremendously damaging to the child. It is nothing better than a hostage situation. And because children don't have choices like adults have, and because the power imbalance is so wide, the likelihood of child abuse, even physical abuse over the false things they are blamed for, is high. 

On their own, children don't have many choices when they are falsely accused. The only way that they might get help is through another adult calling Child Protective Services or a mandated reporter knowing that a child is being mistreated over a parent's false accusations continually. 

And narcissistic parents tend to falsely accuse other people and their own children (or more often their scapegoat child) a lot so that they don't have to feel shame. In a way, that is why they give a hug or some other form affection at the end of their diatribes (after they have found the car keys in their own pocket after accusing their child of taking them, for instance). It keeps them from having to apologize, admit that they are wrong, admit that they are hurting a child, admit that they are damaging a child with these continuous cycles of false accusations, or admit that any shame can be attributed to them. It is probably also done to ensure to themselves that they still have a bond with the child. 

But the damage is more likely to be extreme with children. All children are afraid of their parents going missing or abandoning them. All children are afraid that their parent won't be able to provide for them (food, clothing, shelter, teaching life skills). All children are afraid of divorce (for good reason). All children are afraid of punishments, especially unjust ones. All children are afraid of not being liked or loved by a parent (shown contempt or criticized instead). All children are afraid of adult rage and violence. All children are afraid of being so dependent on adults for their survival. All children are afraid that this survival dependence is also tied to attention and love from a parent (that it can be taken away). All children are afraid that if a parent doesn't love them that supervision, being fair, being protective and putting safety first, being just, being emotionally self regulated will be taken away -  and that if the parent isn't adult enough to take on challenges that a child cannot handle because of their age and size, then that can be pretty scary too. - there is a reason I wrote this in red ... 

Narcissists know these fears because they were once a child too. But they are more likely to play on these fears, take advantage of the fears, and use them repeatedly as threats, in dog-whistling comments, in head games, in manipulations, in power trips, and some parents, especially narcissistic parents who have some sociopathic qualities, actually go through with all or most of them to show a child (even an adult child) that the parent doesn't really love them, need them or want them. 

If one or two of these things from the list (in red above) is missing, like a parent not being able to provide for them, it is challenging for a child. It can also be traumatic depending on how bad it is. If half of them are missing, the child is walking around on eggshells wondering when the next crisis will happen. If all of them are missing, it is a game changer and PTSD is inevitable, as well as a really, really sick, toxic, and dangerous (for the child) trauma bond. 

Let me say it this way:

So let us say that the parent is a rage-a-holic, that any kind of consistent love is missing, that they are violent, that they don't protect you from the violence of others, that they provide meals that aren't particularly nutritious (like feed you boxed cereal for breakfast and dinner, where you get a real meal from school lunch or the neighbors), where they are telling you that they are going to get a divorce from a parent who actually loves you, where they tell you that you "Can run away any old time" or threaten to abandon you, that's only half of the issues above that you are forced to deal with. I would argue that one or two of these issues, like improper physical care coupled with an angry temper, is too much for children to deal with. But if you add in all of the rest of the ingredients from that paragraph, with even more like: erroneous unfounded blaming, gaslighting, silent treatments, some actual abandonments, actual withdrawals of love over short or long periods of time, hyper-criticisms, contempt for who the child is and the way they do things, comparing the child negatively to siblings or other children, and all of the other ingredients from that paragraph, it is way too overwhelming for any child, even the strongest most resilient of them. Then if you add in more than I have mentioned like exposing the child to a parent's alcoholism or drug addictions or to family members with those issues, being abused by others with no protection or resolution from the adults, retaliatory or tit-for-tat parenting, false imprisonment, sexual abuse, war, street violence, more criticism than love, that child is going to have PTSD so severe that it is likely to be life long. It can be mitigated in adulthood with trauma therapy, domestic violence therapy, and going "no contact" with people who display more than a few narcissistic traits, but it will never go away completely ... absolutely calm environments are the best bet. Even there it is not full proof: too many human beings seem to want to start wars, retaliate, start pointless grand-standing arguments, and destroy ... 

And by the way, most scapegoat children of families have to live with more of a predominance of the fears (that end up coming true) listed in the red paragraph. It's no wonder that so many scapegoats I have met all seem to go "no contact" and are "nature bugs". Humans are difficult animals to cope with, and especially when you've been brought up with so many loud arguments that never go in a positive direction (mainly because narcissists require that they chronically get their own way), you can't hear any more rages, criticisms, DARVOs, loud arguments, without symptoms or blanking out altogether. 

So how do trauma-bonded, scapegoated children act? 

There are so many symptoms other than an inability to sleep, headaches, stomach aches, nightmares and anxiety, that I'll take that up in other posts when I get more into the trauma section of the blog. At the very least, it can impact the developing brain, and all of that hypervigilance can effect the heart too (medical issues with the heart can happen early in life even if you have a good diet, and stay away from smoking, alcohol and caffeine). It is what Bessel van der Kolk writes about, and particularly for the well know book he wrote called "The Body Keeps the Score". 

All of the anxiety, hypervigilance, being on the powerless end of the relationship, being abused, condescended, insulted, used for diabolical  purposes, and abandoned can have significant medical issues sooner or later. 

In the meantime, here are some healthy videos and writings by various psychologists, researchers and experts: 

VIDEOS
(WITH SOME OF MY OWN COMMENTS)

"What Do Narcissists Gain by Your Trauma Bond"
by Dr. Les Carter for the Surviving Narcissism channel:

I have transcribed his video so that you can study his words carefully (his words are in a mustard color):

When you hear the concept of trauma bonding relative to a relationship with a narcissist, we often and rightly will focus on the difficult experiences that you have because of the narcissist's behavior towards you, and it's so necessary for you to understand the dynamic of trauma bonds. 

Today I want to help you find out how you're going to manage your end of the trauma bond with a narcissist by understanding what's going on inside of them, what they feel like they are gaining from having their side of the trauma bond with you. 

Now before we get too deep into all of that, let's first remind ourselves what we're talking about when we refer to having a trauma bond. When we talk about psychological trauma, basically we're talking about you receiving so much negative stimulation in that moment, you simply don't have the bandwidth, you don't have the inner wherewithal to process what's going on in front of you. It's too over-powering. And then we can add the word "complex trauma" and that implies that the trauma repeats itself over, and over, and over. Now when you have a trauma bond, basically what we're talking about is a relationship that's based upon a strong power differential. And guess what that equation you're on. 

Narcissists have an on-going need to keep you in the "down position". They're going to argue with you a whole lot. They can have major anger when ever you try to have a dialogue with them regarding any difference or difficulty. You're not going to have a constructive dialog at all. There is lots of character assassination. These individuals have a vested interest in keeping you feeling inadequate, or inferior. They'll put guilt and shame upon you. And specifically when I talk about shame, they want to keep you believing that your character is truly defective. They demand blind loyalty. They have extremely strong control features in the way that they come toward you. And lots of double standards. They'll isolate you from other individuals. As you can tell just from this description, a word that we often use relating to the trauma bonding is "toxic". This is a toxic way of engaging with other individuals. 

When we're talking about trauma bonds, we're talking unhealthy attachments that are on-going. 

Now I know that on your side of the equation, you can readily relate to certain feelings or experiences. You might end up trying to filter your decisions or priorities through that narcissist. "Well, am I going to set this person off?" Sometimes you just wonder "What's the next false move that I might make that's going to get them angry at me?" So you become guarded and calculating. You can commonly feel very angry in reverse towards them, and you can have a build up of hurt and pain, and resentment, and all that goes with that. Often there can even be times when you feel the need to cover for the narcissist's anger towards you because you can feel so embarrassed and humiliated by the experiences that you have. 

But then let's go to that question - we know that this has a debilitating effect on you - but what's in it for the narcissist? What are they hoping to gain by creating this illicit form of bonding with you? And it's so essential for you to understand what's in their mind, what drives them because the narcissist definitely wants you to think you're "the problem". When in fact, no, what's going on is that they're carrying a great deal - and when I say a great deal - of psychological damage from the inside out, but they want you to think you are deficient because of heir unwillingness to examine themselves.
(4:50)

So what does the narcissist gain by keeping you bonded in this traumatic kind of way? 

Now first, let's begin with the understanding that the trauma bond between the narcissist and you is all about the narcissist's pain management strategy. 

Now you may think that is truly strange. You see, these individuals are already damaged individuals in their own right. Frankly many of them are already living in their own version of Hell and some of the ones who grew up as the golden child already want to perpetuate the myth that they are special. But make no mistake. They operate with an illogic: "The way for me to manage my pain is to make you have more pain. The way to make me feel like an adequate person is to make you feel inadequate. When you are down, then I feel validated. I'm not as pitiable as you."

And so as a result, narcissists in their own strange pain management try to fend off their pain by putting it on to you. And they feed off of the fact that you're hurting because it's a way of reminding themselves, "See, there's the inadequate person right there."

Much of this is going on in a subconscious level, but none-the-less this is their strange psychological math: "I get rid of my pain by making you feel pain."

Now in addition, I mentioned trauma bonds are based upon a power differential. One of the things narcissists feel like they gain by maintaining the bond with you is it becomes a compensation of their own fear of powerlessness. In the mind of the narcissist, their assumption is that relationships are based upon dominance and submission. That's the psychological language they learn and so they've thought to themselves, "Well, I definitely don't want to be on the submissive end of it, so I'll be on the dominate end of it", and they will come at you with all sorts of power tactics, because they must keep you in subjection and subordination to them to build up their pitiable weak ego.

Another thing we can say is that narcissists carry on the inside - and again it can be that they won't admit this necessarily - but they carry a great deal psychological fatigue. You know and I know that relationships carry a great deal of work and concentration and patience for them to unfold for us to build a solid foundation, and narcissists have the thought, "I don't have time for all of that! I don't want to put in the work; I don't want to invest myself not knowing what the outcome is going to be", so in their psychological fatigue they go straight to the finish line and say, "Look, let's just establish that I'm good and you're not good. I'm excellent; you're terrible." And they refuse to live in the patience that's required to establish a healthy love of respect and honor. It just doesn't happen overnight. But to the narcissist it's like "I don't have time for that."

In addition, narcissists harbor a lot of self directed insults. And again, this is not what they will say out loud to you. But in their mind, they "Hate what people have done to me. And they think I'm going to take the inadequate side of the equation? No way!" Instead what they'll do is to go in the opposite direction and say, "Well, I'll tell you what. I actually hate what you are!" And it takes them away from hearing the message that says "People out there have rejected me. I just reject you." It's again, a compensation.

Or they can think to themselves, "I've been subjected to much judgement and condemnation, or being on the outside looking in, so if I can make you look worse than me, I'll be happy to judge you." And so they need you to be inadequate to take the focus off of their own internal psychological confusion, which is why they put so much psychological energy in to keeping you down. All of that anger, and all of that brash, and pushy and contemptuous way of living - it is all a part of their compensation for their inner sense of inadequacy. They have an empty interior. They do not have a well-conceived philosophy of what brings meaning or purpose to life. Instead it's all about being on a grading system, and they have to be on the high end, which means they require you to be on the low end. 

So, we go back to that question: "What does the narcissist gain by keeping you trauma bonded to them?" 

They gain a diversion from their own inner confusion. They gain the capacity to go into denial of their own fears and hurts (like: "That's not me!").

They gain dominance as a cover for their powerlessness.

And so much of what they do is such a matter of projection - they see in you all of the confusion that they refuse to come to terms with on the inside of themselves, and then along with projection, they love to gaslight. In other words, if they can keep you confused about what's really going on, they win. And so what we're trying to do here is to clear up some of that gaslighting, and remind us that the world view that they have is so inappropriate, and it is so illogical. 

I mean, for example, "My self respect arises from insulting you." That doesn't make sense. 

Or "My feeling of power arises from wiping out your ability to make decisions."

Or "My sense of pleasure is derived from you having pain." 

Or "My hostility I have on the inside is satisfied by displacing it on to another individual." 

I mean their whole world view makes no sense what-so-ever. So, basically by understanding what is going on inside the narcissist as they try to keep you bonded to them, I'm hoping that you can see that you're being used. And you're being used to prop up their poorly constructed interior. And you know, "If I'm on the receiving end of all of the messages and the abuse and condescension that goes with this, my response is, 'I didn't sign up for this. This doesn't help me, and frankly it doesn't help the narcissist, therefor I'm going to withdraw from the role that was assigned to me without my permission. I need my freedom.'" 

... I so want you to break free from the bonds that the narcissist holds you into. ... 

"THIS Is What Trauma Bonding With A Narcissist Does To A Decent Person"
by Dr. Les Carter for the Surviving Narcissism channel:

I have transcribed his video up until 7:13 so that you can study his words carefully (his words are in a mustard color):

... When you've been bonded with a malignant narcissist (inevitably that's who this person would be), it takes such a toll on you that you begin to wonder is "Is there something really and deficient about me?"

That's part of what trauma bonding does. 

And I'm here to tell you "No." You have to understand that the problem that happens with trauma bonding is that with a very pathological person, who themselves is very disturbed and dis-regulated, they are the problem. They want you to think you're the problem, and it's so necessary for you to see what they do to you so that you can recognize it is more about them than it is about you. So we need to adjust some of the thoughts and feelings that you carry about yourself. 

Now before we get into that, I've actually read quite a few comments I have seen from people who have been in trauma bonds, but let's remind ourselves what we're talking about when we use that term "trauma bonding". 

Basically the person who has been trauma bonded feels very self limited. They are mentally and emotionally exhausted and they feel very unworthy specifically because of an ongoing toxic relationship with a hyper controlling narcissist, a master manipulator. And one of the things we know about trauma bonding is that as time passes, the recipient of that toxicity begins to feel weaker and weaker relative to the narcissist, and of course the giver of the toxicity, the narcissist, becomes more and more diabolical. By the way, do you understand the meaning of the word, diabolical? We also have "diablo" in other languages. But it comes from a Latin root word that just means "the devil." It's evil. And it's truly evil when a malignant narcissist in their malignant mannerisms says "I need to make sure you know who's in charge around here." They grind you into the ground. They want you to have little to no belief in yourself, because they are going to fill you with them. And so the narcissist demands your subjugation ... Over time when you've been around someone that long, you become habituated to the game that they go to. You're trying to seek peace to get rid of conflict, that you feel that if you do leave, then you're disloyal, you're wrong or somehow you're the impossible one - that's the bond that happens. You stay stuck to them because the malignant narcissist lets you know "If you do something away from me then that means there is something terrible about you. You need to stay underneath my subjection."

Now I have a whole list here. I just sat down at my desk and I wrote it out and these are comments I've received from viewers such as yourself and from other individuals I've spoken with and I want to read these to you. And as I do, I want to see if you can identify with some or maybe all of these comments because this is what happens to a decent person when they have been trauma bonded to a narcissist, inevitably a malignant narcissist. Here we go - 

... "I totally lost myself. I can't tell you how hard I've tried to hold the relationship together. I constantly felt it was my job to make peace. Nothing, and I mean nothing, ever satisfied that person. I had to choose to be a 'yes person' or face serious wrath."
How many of you have worried about that one?
"There was lots of verbal abuse and constant shame."

You know what that's like?

"After all of the controlling demands, I would be left wondering 'Who am I? And how the Hell did I get here? I had to Comply," with a capital "C, "to that person. And I hated it. My worth, my self respect weren't just stolen, they were trampled upon. To this day, I struggle with doubt and profound grief." 

These are words from people who have been in trauma bonds. 

"I feel like damaged goods. Will I ever be accepted or lovable again?"

"I was told repeatedly if I left, 'it will not end well for you.' I felt so alone. I had to get away from the toxic fumes, but I felt terrified."

You know, I read through these kinds of comments and there are more and I know that many of you can recall or add to the list here. I read through comments like this and I'm thinking, "Yea. This is what happens. This is what trauma bonding does to a decent person. That narcissist who has such a strong control agenda and has somehow convinced himself or herself that it's a reasonable thing to grind you into the ground - they give you so many messages and there are so many experiences where they rob you of your own decency, that this is what happens to an otherwise decent individual." 

And I want you to understand that if you've been on the receiving end of this, you don't have to stay. We call it "trauma BONDING" - the narcissist wants to bond to you, but it really is okay to say "No! No! I can't do this." And so I want to give you a few thoughts here. If you've been associated with a narcissist who has tried to bond you to them through this trauma and toxicity, I'm going to see how we can figure out how to get away from that. ...    

When Dr. Carter talks about some of his clients, or the people leaving comments, who feel like they are half a person, an invisible person, a person they don't know or recognize within themselves is called an "echoist state". Who you are is constantly about a narrative that the narcissist has decided to be in control of, so it causes internal confusion: "Am I really as terrible as the narcissist says I am?" No, but that is their agenda in a trauma bond - to constantly make you feel that you are not up to their standards. They are judging you in the extreme to the point where you no longer recognize your version of who you are and sometimes their version of who you are either. You are confused, and in most cases you don't have time to think, because they have some other criticism to present to you. That's another subject I hope to take up soon too. 

In the rest of the video he tells how to psychologically break the trauma bond by noting that it is not your duty to protect, defend, constantly apologize to, be loyal to, and stay with a person who is continually putting you down, attributing the worst qualities to you, who treats you like you don't matter past what you can do to regulate their rage and need for power and control, and who is grinding you down to take control of you in every way they possibly can regardless of how it is making you feel (a very diminished version of yourself, or not knowing who you are at all other than the narcissist's constant overbearing berating and shaming sessions). 

The following video by Lisa A. Romano, a life coach specializing in healing from narcissistic abuse, is so good! Not only does she explain what is going on, she consistently has a warm compassionate delivery:

 RECOMMENDED:
"BREAKING TRAUMA BONDS WITH A NARCISSIST/" WHY it's SO HARD TO LEAVE A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP
by Lisa A. Romano, Life Coach:

"SIGNS YOU'RE IN A TRAUMA BOND AND TRAUMA TRANCE" - by Dr. Kim Sage (You Tube)

8 SIGNS OF MAMA TRAUMA BONDING: COMPLEX PTSD AND BORDERLINE/NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH MOMS - by Dr. Kim Sage (You Tube)

5 Tips to Help Support Someone with a Trauma Bond - by Doctor Donnelly Snipes (You Tube)

12 Potent Strategies Narcissist Use to Sabotage Breakup Attempts. "Humanization" Trick & Others - by psychologist Ross Rosenberg (You Tube)

Origins of Codependency (Self-Love Deficit Disorder). Recorded 2012. EMM = Pathological Narcissist - by psychologist Ross Rosenberg (You Tube)

12 Steps to Overcome the "Narcissistic Storm." Safely & Strategically Setting Boundaries - by psychologist Ross Rosenberg (You Tube)

Narcissistic Parents: When 'Honoring' Them HURTS you - by Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC (You Tube) 

Narcissistic Parents: The Damage of their RAGE & Explosive Outbursts - by Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC (You Tube) 

Narcissistic Parents: Ways You Are Invisible to Them - by Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC (You Tube) 

8 Signs Its A Trauma Bond, Not Love - Psych2Go (a consortium of psychologists), You Tube 

FURTHER READING

Traumatic Bonding - Wikipedia

6 Signs of Trauma Bonding - by Jenna Fletcher and medically reviewed by Lori Lawrenz, Ph.D. for Psych Central

Breaking the Trauma Bond Forged by Narcissistic Parents (Tips for undoing a dysfunctional parent's hold on you.) - by Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Narcissistic Parent - Wikipedia 

Narcissists Use Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement To Get You Addicted To Them: Why Abuse Survivors Stay - by Shahida Arabi, MA for Psych Central

How Having a Narcissistic Parent Impacts Young Adult Mental Health - Newport Institute (treatment center)

What Does a Trauma Bond with a Narcissist Look Like? - Mental Health Center of San Diego

PSYCHOLOGY AND RELATIONSHIPS (There are 2 styles of parenting that lead kids to become narcissistic adults, says psychologist who’s treated dozens of them) - by Aditi Shikant for CNBC (Make It section)

Break Free of the Trauma Bonds in Narcissistic Abuse - by Jay Reid, psychotherapist for his own website

10 Shocking Ways To Break A Trauma Bond With A Narcissist - by Shahida Arabi for Thought Catalog

7 Stages of Trauma Bonding: Why Leaving Is Hard and How to Stop It - by Gyenn Ow for Sofia Wellness Clinic

Are You in a Trauma Bond? - Lexie (Children and Family Worker) for Safer Places, UK

FOUND ON FACEBOOK

from NICABM on Facebook:

also from NICABM on Facebook:

From Shahida Arabi
Note: This one seems to be said to the gaslighters and not the gaslit: