Why you should always apologize to your child when you hurt him or her (avoiding trauma in your child)

1. This post: Why you should always apologize to your child when you hurt him or her (avoiding trauma in your child)

2. Why You Should Not Force Children to Apologize (also discusses forced apologies in abusive narcissistic families)

more posts to follow 

Even if you don't understand why your child is hurt by you, apologies (and recognition) do several things:

* validate that your child is in pain
* teach the child to recognize pain in others, and to build the courage, morals and desire in them to apologize to others ("teach by example")
* teach the child that there are resolutions to pain on your end (and not making the child responsible for self-soothing, or feeling pressured to denounce or invalidate their pain or experiences to make you feel better instead, or ending up with trauma responses from your child including fight, flight, fawn or freeze (avoid), the trauma responses being about running away from painful situations, if even within the household.

The apologies should stick too, not be in a merry-go-round of "I'll apologize now just to smooth things out and decrease the tension." If you put children on a merry-go-round (love and comfort, followed by disappointment-irritation-devaluing-anger, followed by a punishing rejection or a blinding rage with physical abuse), then the apologies won't mean much to your child, and they will opt for more distancing from you.

Some may opt for inauthentic fawning to keep safe from your rage (i.e. fawning just to regulate your emotions - something that children should not be responsible for). If you put children in the role of smoothing out the tension between you, taking care of your super sensitive emotions, comforting you, helping you feel validated and whole again, boosting your ego, being super sensitive to your inability to accept any criticism or enlightenment about your behavior (walking on eggshells) and is always in the role of "apologizer", and you feel entitled to those things while rarely doing those things for your child, then you are parentifying your child. Parentifying is a form of child abuse (emotional abuse). Like sex (childhood sexual abuse), parentifying is something that children are not ready for, or built for, especially when it comes to emotionally soothing you, and it will cause trauma in them.

They might practice being a parent to dolls (and usually it is restricted to quasi-medical care, dressing, feeding, and pretend cooking - to get them to prepare to be a parent to their own children - not you).

To keep things healthy between you and your child, adopt the behaviors that you want to see in your child. If you can't, see a therapist or psychologist.

In fact, almost no articles exist with titles like "You Should Never Apologize to Your Child", or "Why Apologies Should Always Be Given By Your Child and Never By You".

Below, I feature some articles that do exist on the subject in terms of the most effective and healthiest ways to deal with apologies. Since I am a researcher, I thought this was the best way to tackle this particular topic. 

If you are experiencing a child who can't or won't apologize for his or her behavior, many parents turn to counselors and psychologists for the answers. There may be a budding personality disorder, or something in the home is not being attended to in terms of addressing children's feelings in an appropriate way that will harness healthy emotions for all involved. 

following are articles on the subject with my comments 

(my comments are in bold green):

Top 10 Reasons Parents Should Admit Their Mistakes - by Jim Holsomback, MA, ABT for Psych Central
the top ten (read the article for more elaborate explanations):
Parents who apologize reflect the importance of “I’m Sorry”
Apologies are key in building parent-child trust
It lets our kids off the hook
Apologies can soften our mistakes in the eyes of our kids
Apologies help teach the importance of “being effective” versus “being right”
Apologies often help others understand the wisdom in our intentions
Parents are role models and the most effective teacher of values
Parents who apologize have to get in the minds of their kids……and vice versa
I learned it from you!

Try to Avoid Looking for Mistakes

Parents who admit their imperfections and mistakes are actually more perfect in their children's eyes.

It shows that you are capable of self reflection. If you aren't capable of self reflection, your child is likely not to listen to you or want to hear what you have to say. 

Are You Psychologically Abusive to Your Children Without Realizing It? - by W.R. Cummings for Psych Central

excerpt:

Sometimes it’s helpful to stop ourselves before we speak and ask: Will my child have to recover from the way I’m about to treat them? Will interacting with them in this way negatively impact their ability to respond to certain situations in healthy ways? ...
... One example of psychological abuse (from parent to child) I’ve seen is when parents have emotional outbursts and then blame their outburst on their children. Even when our kids misbehave and we lose our control, it’s still our responsibility to control ourselves.
Another I’ve seen is the withholding of affection, affirmation, or respectful interactions when a child is behaving in undesirable ways. We can teach our children that their behavior affects the emotions of others without withholding respect and affirmation from them. One is teaching; one is manipulating.

One of the most subtle–yet most detrimental–forms of psychological abuse I’ve seen between parents and children is gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone belittles another person’s concerns by making them think their concerns are invalid. It’s a form of psychological manipulation that causes other people to doubt the validity of their own feelings.
Examples of this are:
Child: “Mommy, that hurt my feelings.”
Parent: “Honey, everything hurts your feelings.” (Makes the child doubt the validity of their own feelings) ...
... Child: “You’re not being very nice right now.”
Parent: “Well, it’s hard to be nice when you have a kid that’s always being bad.” (Makes the child believe that their parent’s behavior is their responsibility) ...
... Child: “That hurt my feelings.”

Parent: “Well, if I’m such a bitch, then…” (Makes the child believe they’ve accused the parent of something unmentionable, even when they haven’t) ...
... It’s important to apologize to children. It’s even more important to change your behavior after you apologize so they know that apologies should be accompanied by changed behavior. If we say we’re sorry and then keep repeating our harmful behavior, we teach them how to enter into abusive cycles and STAY in them. We teach them that saying sorry is enough and that changed behavior is not required.
We teach them that the real problem is them. If they’d only change THEIR behavior, we wouldn’t have to keep being mean ...

... No matter what our kids say, no matter what they do, no matter how they treat us… we must behave in ways that won’t cause them long-term damage to them because THAT IS OUR JOB as parents.
Parents and children are not equally yoked and should not behave as such. We are more mature, more practiced in controlling our emotions, and more responsible for the outcomes of our interactions. It’s our job to show them that instead of just saying it.

Parents owe it to their children to be regulated in their emotions because it will teach children to be regulated in their own emotions.

Parental rage (even quiet punishing rages like abandonment or freezing a child out of familial belonging) is frightening to a child and will not accomplish much in the long run except distance: the child not trusting the parent. Children in these situations also have to parent themselves (i.e. self soothe from a volatile parent or take their complaints outside the family: teachers, school psychologists, a school nurse, neighbors, a therapist, a foster parent, a camp counselor, a sympathetic aunt or uncle - when it should come from you).

Apologizing To Your Child: 5 Things Happen When You Don’t Say Sorry - from the editors of Mom Remade (Encouraging Mothers ... From the Other Side of Parenthood)

excerpt:

... And then some parents never admit they are wrong because they don’t think they are wrong. Ever.
This is faulty thinking. Apologizing to your child is a sign of respect for the overall relationship you have with him ...

Apologizing to Your Child: 5 Things Happen When You Don’t Say Sorry:

1. It Sabotages the Relationship:

... If there have been no apologies ever then resentment, bitterness, and eventually hatred will form in the heart of your child throughout his childhood ...

2. It Creates a Double Standard:

... They understand an offense and possibly how to make amends for their bad behavior. They know when they bite, hit or throw sand in someone’s face, it’s wrong. And mom is going to make me apologize when I do it.
When you do something that is obviously wrong to your child (yell, swear, slap, threaten, verbal or physical abuse, etc.), your child automatically thinks the same thing. There should be an apology. And a genuine change of behavior. It is a logical deduction.

3. It Sets You Up As God:

Not apologizing is confusing because your kids know you are sinful, but since you are the god of the house…they have to go along with it. Everyone has to keep up the perpetual lie that mom and dad are never wrong, nor are they to be questioned for their actions.

4. A Teachable Moment Is Lost:

Apologizing to your child is an opportunity to set a good example by calling out exactly what you did wrong, taking full responsibility, and making amends.
This not only restores the relationship, but it also reinforces you are not God. You have made yourself human and show that part of life is failing and starting again.

When you don’t apologize you have lost the chance to be a healthy adult by setting boundaries on what is okay and not okay for everyone in the family.

5. It Creates a Lack of Respect

Apologizing to your child is important so you create a common understanding of respect for each other. Children are smart. They know bad behavior when they see it.
Even young kids know yelling, threatening, pouting, silent treatment, intimidation, domination, etc. are not right. They cry, recoil, and go into self-protection mode due to fear and shame when a parent comes after them.
You can split hairs and rationalize all day about how adults are the ones in charge and they shouldn’t be questioned, but I ask you to step back and look at yourself.
If you could watch yourself on video, what would you see? Would you be able to show that video to your friends?
Think about whether you have created quiet contempt or heartfelt respect and admiration in the heart of your child. You can demand respect from your children through compliance, but you can’t demand respect from their hearts. That is earned.

- I would like to add that creating respect for your child (and not always expecting the respect to flow in one direction, towards you) also creates a respectful, polite society. If you feel the present society is becoming more hard-hearted, more divided, more narcissistic, more invalidating in terms of people hearing one another (opinion-based realities), less empathetic, more unruly, more corrupt, then create children who can respect adults, not strong-arm them into respecting, but by showing respect towards your children. Build yourself into an authentically respectful role model. A respectful role model is someone who sees the faults and shortcomings in themselves as much as the strengths, who understands the faults and shortcomings in their own upbringing and makes constant adjustments and changes.

Dos and don'ts mostly are about not using the sorts of tactics that narcissists use:
* don't be a hypocrite - probably the most important
* don't indulge in activities of a hypocritical nature like:
   - preaching peace and joining peace groups and going home to beat up your family
   - preaching women's liberation while expecting your daughter to be docile and subservient ... or having a favorite male golden child and a female devalued scapegoat
   - preaching being understanding and compassionate in conflicts, but being cruel and dismissive in conflicts yourself
   - preaching justice for the world while not being just towards your family members
   - rebelling, but then expecting your child to always say "yes" to everything you want
* don't be arrogant                 
* don't parentify
* don't infantilize (i.e. don't treat an adult child like an underage child)
* don't gaslight                       
* don't deceive or rewrite history ...  avoid as much as possible actions where you will keep damaging secrets and make up diversionary embarrassing explanations later on for bad behavior
* don't stick your child in a role
* don't idealize, devalue, discard
* avoid looking at your child as all good, and then all bad; make sure you are not Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde to them                                                               
* don't expect your child to be perfect or to perform tasks perfectly
* don't blame-shift (i.e. take the blame off of you and give it to your child instead)
* don't blame and don't shame - talk through things to gain perspectives and understanding, and help your child to express their own perspectives instead, and then state your perspectives without trying to talk him or her into those perspectives
* don't invalidate your child's feelings, experiences, perspectives, thoughts
* don't goad or taunt your child into a tearful or angry response (it is something school yard bullies do and is incredibly childish and inappropriate for a parent to behave this way - your child will lose respect for you and if I had a say, it would be grounds for losing custody of your child) 
* don't call your child names
* don't be cruel, vindictive, retaliatory, vengeful, play tit-for-tat games
* don't insult (includes not just your child but all people your child loves or is in contact with)
* don't try to get your way or dominate at all times when they are children (make sure his or her needs and wants are represented in the relationship as much as your own) ... and then when they are adults, see them as equals
* don't try to make a co-dependent, trauma bonded child (it's likely to backfire and leave you with an estranged child)
* don't expect your child to walk around on eggshells and be super sensitive to your feelings while ignoring or invalidating his or hers 
* don't be abandoning if you want a relationship with your child later on
* don't try to shame your child by ganging up on your child with other family members (i.e. create flying monkeys)
* don't have temper tantrums (which you dismiss as non-traumatizing your child) and then expect your child never to have a temper tantrum (or alternatively hit your child for having a temper tantrum). Realize that emotional regulation in yourself most often creates emotional regulation in your child.
* don't indulge in triangulation of your child, or family triangulation
* don't indulge in schadenfreude
* don't indulge in the silent treatment
* don't run smear campaigns on your child
* don't tell your child "don't talk to (another family member)"
* don't make up vilifying stories about your child that make him or her look bad and make you look like a saint (it won't go over with most people anyway)
* don't indulge in punishments that hurt your child (if your child states that it hurts, believe him or her and try to find another avenue that is not hurtful, to promote "self discipline" in your child ... and if necessary, get help from a therapist)
* don't turn on your child when he or she needs your support the most
* don't pit your children against each other
* don't compete with your child (leave competition to sports outside the family)
* don't argue (leave arguing to discourse outside of the family - especially these days)
* don't play head games
* don't indulge in parental alienation syndrome (trying to get your child to side with you against his or her other parent: it is child abuse as well as abusive towards the ex, but your child will suffer a lot more than your ex will).
* don't use guilt trips over money you spent on them when they were children, or in college, or when they were otherwise vulnerable, under age, or disabled (it won't work any way)
* don't punish your child for emotions, facial expressions, a tone of voice (it is sadistic and erroneous)
* don't take advantage of your child
* don't be selfish (i.e. put your needs way ahead of your child's needs)
* don't be entitled to receive special treatment and consideration from your child that you would not expect from yourself in terms of your child receiving the same kinds of considerations
* don't call your child's emotions "drama" (it is verbally abusive, and won't work anyway)
* don't indulge in having extra-marital affairs when you have children younger than 18 (your job is to raise your children, and going out on dates, meeting for sex, thinking about your lovers, fantasizing about them when you are separate, takes up time, attention ... plus affairs are usually ridden with deceptions, and can drive wedges with your children and within your entire family, often in ways you won't be able to see at the time)
* don't pit your spouse (their step-parent) against your child or their other parent
* have the best intentions towards your child

If you have knowingly, or unknowingly in toxic family tradition, indulged in any of these behaviors, an apology will go a long way in recognizing that you hurt your child.

Apologies and meeting half way are part of healing. If you are the dominating type (i.e. have made it clear that you want to dominate your child), your child will most likely not be comfortable and recoil from it.

If you are estranged because of the above actions, an apology still goes a long way. If your child has been deeply traumatized by you, you may not be able to have a relationship with him or her (too triggering perhaps), but at least your child may know that you are retreating from an attack mindset.

The high majority of estrangements are ended by parents, not children (the last statistics I saw from Britain were in the over-80 percentile region). It is not known why, but my guess is that most parents who do the don'ts are dominating and authoritarian, and insist on being the ones who control the script, even when the child rebels against the script. Which means that the child waits for the domination (in this case the apology) to begin. Wild guess ...

Again, parents are the role models, and if they are acting badly, selfishly and normalizing estrangement, the child will probably think of estrangements as normal too. Traumatized children can believe estrangement serves their needs at keeping safe from a "cruel, abandoning parent" too.

If you are the child of a narcissist, please be aware that "apologies" from your parent may not be real. See below, last article (Psychiatrist, Sharie Stines's article which I also comment on):

Making Amends and Apologizing to Your Child - by Bonnie Yates for Psych Central

excerpt:

My husband and I have many of the same hopes and dreams as other parents, for example, that our daughter will be happy, that she’ll do well in school, and that she’ll meet someone special and share her life with them. However, we also hope that she’ll learn to appreciate beauty and kindness, that she’ll care for and be compassionate towards others, and that she’ll be both resilient and humble when necessary.

I’m acutely aware of our influence as parents, and in particular that our daughter learns far more from what we do, than from what we say. With this in mind, I’ve made an effort over the years to share my mistakes and learnings with her (where appropriate), and to model the process of making amends.

What’s Wrong with Apologies and How to Make Them Right (Six steps to an authentic apology that is meaningful and healing) - by Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

How You Can Apologize to Your Children, or Should You? (Apologies to Kids Can Mend the Disruption of the Divorce) - by Ann Gold Buscho, Ph.D. for Psychology Today 

The Power of Apology (How to give and receive an apology. And it's worth it, on both ends) - by Beverly Engel for Psychology Today

excerpt:

I knew that it had taken all the courage my extremely proud mother could muster to say them, so I didn't have to belabor the point. The important thing was that she was saying she was sorry—something she'd never done before. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she truly regretted the way she had treated me.
Of course, this was only the beginning of the story. Although I believed her apology, I didn't yet know if her behavior toward me would be different. This I tested over time. But by apologizing she had acknowledged that I had a reason to be hurt and angry, and that was extremely empowering for me.
Apology changed my life. I believe it can change yours, as well.

The Narcissistic Family: A Narcissist, An Exhausted Spouse and Anxious Children - by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC for Psych Central

excerpt:

Most spouses spend significant chunks of the day cleaning up after the relational mess the narcissist leaves behind. There are friends to apologize to, children to console, neighbors to minimize the overheard outburst, and family to discount the latest narcissist rant. Then there are excuses to be given for insensitivity, employers/employees to mitigate any conflict, and forgiveness on behalf of the narcissist to be sought.

How Constantly Apologizing Affects Our Personal Relationships - by Veronica Monet for YourTango.com (also published by Psych Central ... including this link)

excerpt:

We are all familiar with people who say “I’m sorry” just so they can gain your trust and get themselves off the hook. It’s infuriating when we trust the words “I’m sorry” and let down our defenses, only to be hurt in the same way once again ...

... As children, most of us were admonished to apologize for things we did that displeased the adults in our lives. We might not have felt all that bad about our actions at the time, but when we were confronted with stern attitudes or shaming pronouncements we quickly learned to say we were sorry — even if secretly we believed we had not done anything wrong. The typical result was a forced and half-hearted “I’m sorry” directed toward our “victim” — often a sibling or playmate.

When a Narcissist Makes an Apology - by Sharie Stines, Psy.D

excerpt:

Do not be fooled by a narcissist’s apology. Realize that the relationship is no different than it was before the apology – you just now have more confusion on your plate (think, “cognitive dissonance”). You believe that maybe he means he’s sorry or that he won’t do whatever it was he did again. But, rest assured, the narcissist uses an apology as part of the “cycle of abuse.”
You see, the apology is all part of the narcissistic “game.” Things are hot and cold or good and bad within a relationship with a personality disordered person. An apology is part of the illusion of “good” in the relationship. You get hooked in with the emotions of hopefulness and relief when your narcissist apologizes to you. This hope is something that you need because prior to the apology you were hurt and shut out.
After the apology, you feel relieved and can relax again. This causes you to trust and bond with your loved one. This is all part of the creation of a trauma bond.
Understand that trauma bonds form in toxic relationships and are harder to break than healthy bonds. Trauma bonds occur by inconsistent reinforcement.
Narcissistic relationships are based on traumatic bonds rather than on normal connections. This is because people with personality disorders are incapable of mutuality, cooperation, or empathy – all ingredients necessary for a healthy human relationship.
In a narcissistic relationship the non-narcissist is merely an object. Narcissists participate in the relationship as a sort of token-exchange system. In essence, a narcissist believes that if you do what he wants then he will, in exchange, bless you with his presence.

If your parent acts in the ways of the don'ts above, then they are likely to have high narcissistic traits. Then the apology is likely to be a hoovering maneuver. I have yet to do a post on hoovering, but the premise is to get you back in order to control you or put you into some sort of role, so the apology is not likely to be genuine.
Narcissists hoover for a variety of reasons: their image, trying to contain you from damaging their reputation by showing others the truth, because they miss the narcissistic supplies you used to give them, trying to get you back because they are afraid that you don't miss them, they are trying to get you back into the cycle of abuse (the apology from them being a way to get you back into the honeymoon stage ... the devalue stage coming after). 
So should you accept the apology? 
My own feeling is that you should, but that doesn't mean you should let your guard down at all, or re-start the relationship, or trust them again, or give them the benefit of the doubt. "The benefit of the doubt" can be dangerous in some cases too. Get help from Domestic Violence Services and know what kind of abuser yours is before embarking on any kind of rendezvous (some abusers apologize so that they can get you alone and do damage to you and sometimes even kill you) ... and by the way, the link "know what kind of abuser yours is" takes you to abusers who are men, but abusive women are more or less the same except they tend to be more covert in their narcissism, i.e. present themselves as victims who have been wronged by you. They try to turn you into the perpetrator and themselves into the victim through gossip and triangulation (in fact, triangulation is more or less a requirement of the narcissist, and with covert narcissists, pretty much a full time occupation). 
"I accept your apology, and thank you" is as far as you need to go in many cases. If they show you over time that they have changed (it takes years and years),  then you can decide how close you want to be with them. 
If you are a scapegoat, realize that it takes a tremendous amount of gaslighting on their part to scapegoat you (typical gaslighting statements are like the ones in WR Cummings post above: "You're too sensitive" being the most common gaslighting statement to renounce that you are hurt by them; it is also a blame-shifting maneuver). Any gaslighting statements, any apologies that are followed by "but" and then a gaslighting presentation aren't real apologies. Realize that your parent is not capable of an apology. 
The thing about being a scapegoat is that your parent has given up on trying to control you and usually discards you instead. Being discarded means you can do what ever you want in life, be the kind of citizen you want, follow your dreams without your parent butting in and telling you that you should do it their desired way instead, etc. There is also no parent talking you into apologizing to an abusive sibling, or an abusive boss, or an abusive step-father. You are free to live life on your own terms and finally speak without hindrance or shaming.

hitting rock bottom in Alanon

name of cartoon/illustration: Hitting Rock Bottom in Alanon

image is ©2014 Lise Winne

(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Note: I am writing this post on 3/25/14, though I probably won't publish it until I have finished with some other posts waiting in the wings, so the date published by Blogger for the post will be different from the date I actually wrote it.

When a person starts going to Alcoholics Anonymous, it is said that they have hit rock bottom. 

It is said that when a person finally goes to Alanon, they have hit rock bottom as well. But from what I have noticed personally, it seems to come after a year in the program as the "spinning out of control" keeps gaining momentum, especially as the person in the program learns that he/she cannot control the drinking of the alcoholic -- ever -- and that they need to figure out what kind of life they are going to have (after having gained that knowledge) and how to set boundaries (as alcoholics generally have rage issues, disabilities, work-related issues). The Alanon member has to decide whether they are going to stay or leave the family member with the alcohol problem. Hitting bottom starts when the person realizes he cannot change other people and can no longer take the weight of the dysfunctional communications and relationships and takes the focus off of the alcoholic and the circle of excusers and enablers around the alcoholic. For every alcoholic, their disease directly impacts, on average, 16 other people. It is like a domino effect: the alcoholic's reactions keep radiating out and out and out...  

This is just one instance of how bad things can get by living with an alcoholic (and they can even get worse than that example). Imagine if there are children involved. Now it effects them as well. If they are married with children of their own: more people. It can radiate to children and parents of the alcoholic, siblings of the alcoholic, spouses of the children, spouses of the siblings, the grandchildren, step families, etc).

For instance, an elderly father, Mr. Bean, enables a beloved favorite son, Vincent. To the father, Vincent's drinking isn't as bad as other family members see it. Drink is part of the culture, right? Vincent has a lot of good qualities: honesty, integrity, a good work ethic (or at least he used to -- but to the father those qualities still exist in his son even if it is only in the father's mind). His son never caused any problems while growing up. In fact, he was a helper around the house and seemed to appreciate the father the most, so he also became the favored child. As with a lot of favored children, Vincent had feelings of entitlement, of playing by different rules.

Vincent has a wife, Carly, who he is divorcing because she began to be a constant nag (or at least that is what Vincent believes). Carly insists that Vincent's drinking and violent rages are the cause of the divorce as well as Mr. Bean enabling Vincent.

Carly's bitter complaints about the drinking seem like total nonsense to Mr. Bean, so he sides with his beloved son, Vincent, in this battle (of course).

Vincent also has four sons of his own. He is on speaking terms with two of them; the other two have ceased speaking to him and complain that he is a bully. Of the two that have ceased speaking to him, one believes that the cause is alcoholism, the other believes that the cause rests in the fact that their grandfather, Mr. Bean, is condoning Vincent's behavior. The two that don't speak to their father, also don't speak to each other (one of them is an alcoholic and the other one abstains and goes to Alanon). They had a falling out when their mother, Carly, became the victim of a domestic violence incidence with Vincent, their father, where she ended up in the hospital.

The two other siblings that still speak to their father are not on speaking terms with the ones who don't speak to their father. They reason that perhaps their father wouldn't have taken to the bottle so much if his sons hadn't pulled away from him.

The sibling that is in Alanon has a daughter that he doesn't want exposed to alcoholics, particularly Vincent. Vincent is drunk all of the time over the holidays and constantly groping the little girl.

Vincent's siblings, who have been verbally abused by Vincent, start blaming each other for "not acting right" ("the not acting right", they reason, is "making" Vincent drink: bunk, of course, because no one can make another person drink). On top of it all, the other siblings start resenting the fact that their alcoholic sibling, Vincent, is wrapping Mr. Bean, the patriarch, around his little finger, robbing him blind, getting bailed out by him and excusing everything including believing all of Vincent's lies.  

There are generations and siblings and cousins all being effected by one man's drinking. And all of it continues on and on (getting more and more toxic) while the one family member is in Alanon trying to find a way out of the pain at knowing his family is in shambles.

More about this dynamic from the Dysfunctional Alcoholic Family Wheel of Abuse.

As the family members argue with each other (common), the Alanon member is more and more ostracized. Hitting rock bottom is when the alcoholic and enablers are so toxic that the Alanon member has nowhere else to turn (usually). Healing starts when he stops worrying about what his family members are trying to do to him and each other (or threatening him with), and he starts working on himself, his own life and in building healthier relationships, even if those relationships have to be outside his own family. He can't change his family, he didn't cause the alcoholic to drink and be abusive, and he can't cure his family from engaging in hurtful behaviors like blaming each other.

Beginning the steps and focusing on oneself instead of the alcoholic is when the Alanon member decides to get well and whole again -- and I haven't seen that from most Alanon newbies until they have been in the program for awhile. It takes time to realize that other people (the alcoholic and his circle of enablers) do not want to change and most likely will refuse to change how they are relating and behaving. It takes awhile to deal with the fallout from that realization too: the obvious one is the grieving process of losing ones family (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and ones place in the family: a group of people who seem to not want to get well or give voice and compassion to those who are suffering the most from the alcoholic's drinking, rage and abuse.