Are abusers hypocrites?

name of cartoon/illustration: King of Hypocrisy

image is ©2014 Lise Winne

(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Those who spend their time looking for the faults in others usually make no time to correct their own. -- Art Jonak

I have found in my own life that people who are hyper critical and judgmental of others, are hyper sensitive to any criticism of themselves, even if that other person unwittingly and unconsciously does so. 

This is an excellent article on how hypocrites operate.

I have found in my own life that people who chastise others for being selfish will show that they are more selfish than you could ever think to be.

I have found in my own life that people who cry foul for hurting their feelings, will hurt your feelings with impunity, disregard, abandon and then further chastise you (or try to convince you that you are crazy) for feeling hurt.

I haven't met an abuser yet who isn't a hypocrite. 

People who look in the mirror before they treat others with disdain or a verbal lashing or an emotionally abusive tactic can very rarely get to the point where they can go through with it. Funny about that!

Why? Many abusers have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. What are the signs? Here is a good explanation (and the overall blog to that link is a good resource too).

what is the personality makeup of an abuser?

name of cartoon/illustration: The Narcissist

image is ©2014 Lise Winne

(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

(note: for further reading about what constitutes abuse, including more on the personality of abusers, and whether they can be rehabilitated, go to this post). 

SOME TELL TALE SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE IN A RELATIONSHIP
WITH AN ABUSIVE NARCISSIST:
(note: some active addicts display traits of abusive narcissism too)

1. Retaliates and punishes you for confronting them (or even for hinting at criticism)

2. Can never be wrong or they will be enraged

2. Diminishes and downgrades your feelings while being hyper sensitive if their feelings are hurt

3. When you beg a normal person to stop hurting you, they do, while narcissists love to take the opportunity to hurt you more

4. Pries into your feelings, thoughts and what you do to save it up to use it against you later while keeping their own motives, thoughts and feelings close to the chest

5. Plays favoritism games: is overly sweet and kind to one person while scapegoating and vilifying another

6. Will do anything to keep up an image even if they have to lie and reject you to do it

7. Believes they are more special than others and entitled to special treatment

8. Often sweet to strangers, but abusive to family members

9. Arrogant

I liked these power point presentations by Jeni Mawter on the subject:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

Red Flags to Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Moving on From Narcissistic Abuse

According to this article abusers come with several personality disorders: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder.  

Abusive mothers: This article (from my favorite source of identifying emotional abuse) and this article from Parrish Miller underlines some of the characteristics of abusive mothers. These include the following: secretive, keeps motives and plans close to the chest, violates boundaries and tries to keep you from having autonomy, plays favorites with one child and scapegoats another child, encourages the favored child to abuse the scapegoat, is never wrong about anything, minimizes or invalidates feelings and experiences, you are responsible for her feelings but she is never responsible for your feelings, hypocritical, whistle blowing by any of her children unleashes severe punishment and threats to remain silent, undermines, criticizes, demeans, denigrates, she makes you look crazy or insane as a tactic to gain control, smears you, lies and aggrandizes herself in stories about herself, overly sensitive to any criticism however small, extremely defensive, teaches her children to be wary of her wrath, will get even unless she is placated by getting what she wants, petty and punitive, exploitative, shaming and blaming, attention-seeking, and if she loses everyone and everything in the process of becoming so ruthless and abusive can become pathetic (and weepy  -- "Why does everyone hate me?"). From my reading, mothers seem to fall into the Narcissistic form of personality disorder than the other disorders mentioned.

Abusive fathers: Abusive fathers have some of the same traits as abusive mothers, but there are also traits that are exceptional to fathers. This article explains what they are. Some differences include perceiving wife and children as his personal property, children being disowned for disappointing him, putting career and interests above family, blaming his failures on others, rage that is often more violent and physical than abusive mothers display, makes promises only to consistently disappoint, has to be right and in control at all times, shames his children in front of others. Sexual abuse, slandering and stalking is much more prevalent among abusive fathers than abusive mothers.    

Abusive siblings: This article explains that sibling abuse can be sexual, physical, emotional or verbal. Abuse thrives in environments where there is parental favoritism, or when parents are emotionally withdrawn and unavailable, neglectful, absentee, are not positive role models of conflict resolution or are abusive towards children themselves. This article explains the difference between sibling rivalry and sibling abuse. Sibling abuse can lead to the abuser lacking empathy and having narcissistic qualities while the victim often has low self esteem and depression. I discuss sibling abuse in depth in this post.

Abusive male partners: This article cites some of the warning signs of male abusers with female abusers: jealousy, controlling behavior (which includes having to know every detail of your movements and life, trying to control your decisions), quick romantic sweep-you-off-your-feet obsession and involvement, blame-shifting for problems, blame-shifting for feelings, hypersensitivity, cruelty to animals or children (or anyone in a weakened position), playful use of force in sex, use of isolation as a control tactic, the word "consequence" is used during an argument, downgrading of others so that victim has doubts about others and will look to abuser for validation, verbal abuse, Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde personality, alcoholism or substance abuse, history of battering or sexual violence, negative attitude toward women, threatening violence, breaking or striking objects, use of force and intimidation during an argument. 

Abusive female partners: This article makes it clear that forty percent of all domestic violence disputes in Britain come from cases where the male is the victim. This article from Wikipedia says that it is probably under-reported because of stigma. This article and this article cite the same kinds of issues and patterns of abusive behavior that males exhibit. As with the men, it is also about power and control. However these characteristics are more prevalent in abusive female partners than male partners: for physical violence it manifests in terms of slapping and shoving, unreasonable jealousy, possessiveness, blames the victim for acts of aggression when she is the one who is perpetrating the abuse, blames the victim for having affairs when she is the one who is having affairs, paints her partner out to be a sex offender or domestic violence offender or gay or a philanderer, spreads rumors and lies, when she is criticized or feels hurt retaliates by having affairs or breaking things, uses the word "consequence" during arguments with the victim, fakes or inflicts injuries upon herself to get attention, over-spends or steals money from the victim, can never resolve disputes without having the upper hand. Tends to be more narcissistic than male abusers. Women are also much more likely to admit to abusing their men as evidenced by this British article.    

Abusive co-workers: Work place bullying has been linked to a rash of suicides as this article claims. This article claims that co-worker abuse and bullying can take many forms including taking credit for things you did, standing too close for comfort, gossiping behind your back, ostracism from lunches and parties and other worker hangouts, criticism for your performance, damaging or smearing your reputation, taking your ideas and presenting them to the boss, constantly bringing up your mistakes. Bullying at work is hard to combat. This article states that in 81 percent of cases, nothing appears to be done about the bullying (data compiled from workers who fill out surveys about their work place environment). This article states that many workers who complain about being bullied are let go whereas the bully is allowed to remain and often gets promoted. 

Abusive bosses: Huffington Post has a number of posts on how to deal with an abusive boss. However in the long run it can effect your overall physical and emotional health. This article gives you ways to think about whether you should remain in a job with a difficult boss. This Forbes article tells how to deal with an abrasive boss. I find it interesting that there are hundreds of internet articles on how to deal with an abusive boss and keep your job, but not a lot of articles that say it is plainly wrong to be abused by superiors in the workplace. Even psychology articles are written in such a way as to help workers find a way to put up with abuse through meditation, yoga, mental practices while you are being berated and screamed at and how to calm the situation with compassionate responses. Bull! Why the double standard? Why are bosses given free rein to bully, abuse and intimidate, but parents, siblings, partners and co-workers are looked at as aberrant and unnatural if they abuse? Interesting!! And not right...   

hitting rock bottom in Alanon

name of cartoon/illustration: Hitting Rock Bottom in Alanon

image is ©2014 Lise Winne

(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Note: I am writing this post on 3/25/14, though I probably won't publish it until I have finished with some other posts waiting in the wings, so the date published by Blogger for the post will be different from the date I actually wrote it.

When a person starts going to Alcoholics Anonymous, it is said that they have hit rock bottom. 

It is said that when a person finally goes to Alanon, they have hit rock bottom as well. But from what I have noticed personally, it seems to come after a year in the program as the "spinning out of control" keeps gaining momentum, especially as the person in the program learns that he/she cannot control the drinking of the alcoholic -- ever -- and that they need to figure out what kind of life they are going to have (after having gained that knowledge) and how to set boundaries (as alcoholics generally have rage issues, disabilities, work-related issues). The Alanon member has to decide whether they are going to stay or leave the family member with the alcohol problem. Hitting bottom starts when the person realizes he cannot change other people and can no longer take the weight of the dysfunctional communications and relationships and takes the focus off of the alcoholic and the circle of excusers and enablers around the alcoholic. For every alcoholic, their disease directly impacts, on average, 16 other people. It is like a domino effect: the alcoholic's reactions keep radiating out and out and out...  

This is just one instance of how bad things can get by living with an alcoholic (and they can even get worse than that example). Imagine if there are children involved. Now it effects them as well. If they are married with children of their own: more people. It can radiate to children and parents of the alcoholic, siblings of the alcoholic, spouses of the children, spouses of the siblings, the grandchildren, step families, etc).

For instance, an elderly father, Mr. Bean, enables a beloved favorite son, Vincent. To the father, Vincent's drinking isn't as bad as other family members see it. Drink is part of the culture, right? Vincent has a lot of good qualities: honesty, integrity, a good work ethic (or at least he used to -- but to the father those qualities still exist in his son even if it is only in the father's mind). His son never caused any problems while growing up. In fact, he was a helper around the house and seemed to appreciate the father the most, so he also became the favored child. As with a lot of favored children, Vincent had feelings of entitlement, of playing by different rules.

Vincent has a wife, Carly, who he is divorcing because she began to be a constant nag (or at least that is what Vincent believes). Carly insists that Vincent's drinking and violent rages are the cause of the divorce as well as Mr. Bean enabling Vincent.

Carly's bitter complaints about the drinking seem like total nonsense to Mr. Bean, so he sides with his beloved son, Vincent, in this battle (of course).

Vincent also has four sons of his own. He is on speaking terms with two of them; the other two have ceased speaking to him and complain that he is a bully. Of the two that have ceased speaking to him, one believes that the cause is alcoholism, the other believes that the cause rests in the fact that their grandfather, Mr. Bean, is condoning Vincent's behavior. The two that don't speak to their father, also don't speak to each other (one of them is an alcoholic and the other one abstains and goes to Alanon). They had a falling out when their mother, Carly, became the victim of a domestic violence incidence with Vincent, their father, where she ended up in the hospital.

The two other siblings that still speak to their father are not on speaking terms with the ones who don't speak to their father. They reason that perhaps their father wouldn't have taken to the bottle so much if his sons hadn't pulled away from him.

The sibling that is in Alanon has a daughter that he doesn't want exposed to alcoholics, particularly Vincent. Vincent is drunk all of the time over the holidays and constantly groping the little girl.

Vincent's siblings, who have been verbally abused by Vincent, start blaming each other for "not acting right" ("the not acting right", they reason, is "making" Vincent drink: bunk, of course, because no one can make another person drink). On top of it all, the other siblings start resenting the fact that their alcoholic sibling, Vincent, is wrapping Mr. Bean, the patriarch, around his little finger, robbing him blind, getting bailed out by him and excusing everything including believing all of Vincent's lies.  

There are generations and siblings and cousins all being effected by one man's drinking. And all of it continues on and on (getting more and more toxic) while the one family member is in Alanon trying to find a way out of the pain at knowing his family is in shambles.

More about this dynamic from the Dysfunctional Alcoholic Family Wheel of Abuse.

As the family members argue with each other (common), the Alanon member is more and more ostracized. Hitting rock bottom is when the alcoholic and enablers are so toxic that the Alanon member has nowhere else to turn (usually). Healing starts when he stops worrying about what his family members are trying to do to him and each other (or threatening him with), and he starts working on himself, his own life and in building healthier relationships, even if those relationships have to be outside his own family. He can't change his family, he didn't cause the alcoholic to drink and be abusive, and he can't cure his family from engaging in hurtful behaviors like blaming each other.

Beginning the steps and focusing on oneself instead of the alcoholic is when the Alanon member decides to get well and whole again -- and I haven't seen that from most Alanon newbies until they have been in the program for awhile. It takes time to realize that other people (the alcoholic and his circle of enablers) do not want to change and most likely will refuse to change how they are relating and behaving. It takes awhile to deal with the fallout from that realization too: the obvious one is the grieving process of losing ones family (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and ones place in the family: a group of people who seem to not want to get well or give voice and compassion to those who are suffering the most from the alcoholic's drinking, rage and abuse.  

    

stuff feelings, don't talk or trust, be invisible: the message of dysfunctional alcoholic families

name of artwork: Keep Feelings to Yourself, Keep the Dirty Family Secret

(inspired by the book title of Robert A Becker and the observations of Claudia Black)

image is ©2014 Lise Winne
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

This article by Pamela Weintraub in Psychology Today describes what living with alcoholic parents are like and why trauma is acute and common. Excerpts from the article:

The alcoholic family is one of chaos, inconsistency, unclear roles, and illogical thinking. Arguments are pervasive, and violence or even incest may play a role. Children in alcoholic families suffer trauma as acute as soldiers in combat; they also carry the trauma like an albatross throughout their lives.

Not only is the experience devastating, it's common, says Stephanie Brown, founder of the Alcohol Clinic at Stanford Medical Center, where she formulated the developmental model of alcohol recovery. Seventy-six million Americans (about 45 percent of the U.S. population) have been exposed to alcoholism in the family in one way or another, and an estimated 26.8 million of them are children... 

... Claudia Black, a leading expert on adult children of alcoholics and author of It Will Never Happen to Me, says these children grow up with three dangerous rules: don't trust, don't feel, and don't talk ... Since the parents inflict so much pain on their families, they teach their children to suppress their emotions just to survive. Indeed, alcoholic parents are prone to angry or violent outbursts that (along with the drinking itself) they end up denying, and children in such a home may buy the delusion, themselves. Since the children are inculcated to deny the reality around them, they develop a resistance to talking about urgent, important, or meaningful aspects of life. -- Pamela Weintraub

I have also personally witnessed and known some adult children of alcoholics who also expect their children not to feel anything in traumatic situations (and the children who do "feel" being labeled as crazy and over-reactive when hurt or abused by others), though I haven't been able to find any literature on the subject (note on 4/12/15: I did find some answers, and I wrote about them here). It is just something I note in my observations in meetings, group therapy situations and in experiences in my own life. As with active angry alcoholics, it is about walking on eggshells, keeping quiet and not having a voice (especially if it is about confronting, i.e. about important and meaningful subjects that may be mutually emotionally laden or controversial, none of which can be expected to be resolved in a healthy open-discussion manner)...

To find out more about the dynamics of how angry outbursts that end in abuse by a member of a dysfunctional alcoholic family get discounted and diminished by other family members, GO HERE TO THIS POST. 

is an anger management course possible with an alcoholic?

name of artwork: A Legacy of Too Much Anger and Rage
image is ©2014 Lise Winne
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

So, is an anger management course possible with an alcoholic? The answer is a resounding no!

A therapist explains why HERE. Or to explain it succinctly:

I want to stress that anger management is usually ineffective for a person who is angry and frequently using alcohol or other drugs. You can do anger management with such a person until you are blue in the face—and it will not work! ... Now that I know drugs are often the cause for anger, I refer this type of client to a substance abuse program. Once he/she has completed such a program, the anger is often gone. -- Buck Black, LCSW

who is in control in the alcoholic family?

name of artwork: King of Alcohol
(under the influence, of course!)
image is ©2014 Lise Winne
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

I found this as part of an article on  MyAlcoholic-Addict.com:

Who’s in control?

In general, the person with the most erratic behavior controls the behavior of those around them. Unless your family has even bigger problems than alcoholism, the alcoholic is in control of the alcoholic family. The rest of the family tends to cater to their desires or whims. Whether it is to avoid confrontation, deal with the fallout of their behavior or simply because it is easier to give in, everyone else goes along. This only changes when the family decides that they won’t put up with it any more – a very difficult decision. ~ myalcoholic-addict.com

Who lets it all happen? Enablers. Who are the enablers? This article explains how different family members make it all happen.

What about putting up with abuse in the alcoholic family? GO HERE to learn about the dysfunctional alcoholic family wheel of abuse. This is what it looks like, but you'll have to use the link in order to see the writing:

another view of the King closer up:

I draw to speak out (and also to help others find a way). Silence is never golden in these kinds of situations, that's for sure!

healthy versus unhealthy relationships

Your relationship can be like this ... :

... or like this:

you choose.

© Lise Winne, 2014, Angry Heart and Lovey Heart
(for information regarding licensing any images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) 

With Valentines Day so close, the focus is on relationships.

Maybe you wonder (as I did for so many years) what the difference is between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

A healthy relationship is one in which both voices carry the same amount of relevance and weight, where caring, respect, love, listening, admiration and devotion are mutual.

One view of an unhealthy relationship is HERE. Most unhealthy relationships are usually lopsided, with the most unhealthy being about an abusive angry power-and-control pit-bull pitted against a silent self effacing devotional meek mouse or two revenge seekers continually striving for the upper hand.

Here's the in-depth version:

An unhealthy relationship:
If people in your situation are thinking that the other person needs to do all of the work to make things right then you are in an unhealthy relationship. If someone is giving you the silent treatment and waiting for what they want from you (or they are feeling entitled to get certain responses, types of apologies, types of communications, types of reactions, types of groveling, types of admissions, types of accolades and appreciations, types of love and adoration) it almost always means pain, sadness and loneliness (more for the victim than the perpetrator perhaps, at least in the short term). 

Anyone who is trying to extract predetermined outcomes in any relationship, the relationship is usually full of strife. Life is a wild card: you can't even expect the sun to shine and then rain the next day. Life has a way of delivering lots of happenstance surprises, good and bad, unless you are one of those people who can predict with accuracy and be constantly showered with luck.

There are many people who feel so exceptionally entitled that you could stand on your head for them or even be dying and you wouldn't matter to them. They want what they want and how they want it and if you don't live up to their relationship expectations and perspectives on how you should act and provide, then you are rejected, shamed and shunned over and over again. You can be silent or you can speak out. Your silence can ensure suppression and oppression (as well as not rocking the boat); speaking up can ensure that these kind of people will "up the ante" so that they remain on top( really rock the boat). The goal for them is continual entitlement, to be in power and in control. "Power and control people" have one agenda and it is not your well-being or even the well being of a trusting loving relationship. If you are feeling lonely and hurt when in the company of someone, then you are probably with a "power and control" type of person. Run like hell. 

A healthy relationship:
It is better to be with people where honest, open, loving communication is more important than your submission to them. If you feel you have to give in or admit to things you didn't do, or admit they are right when they aren't just to keep the peace in situations where you are called names (i.e. crazy, bitch, bastard, snake, serpent, dog, worthless human being, nothing, etc), then you are just feeding an unhealthy relationship. Respect and love always works two ways. 

If you wonder what healthy communication and a healthy relationship is, here is an article I found on Huffington Post by Glennon Melton how healthy relationships flourish. Below I quoted some of the best nougats for my situation. What about you?

We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.

When did you feel loved today?

When did you feel lonely?

What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?

What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?

What can I do to help you right now?

I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.

~~ Glennon Melton