"You brought this upon yourself!", why abusers use this phrase

name of illustration: "You Did Not Bring Abuse Upon Yourself"
image is © Lise Winne

Alternative phrases:
You had it coming.
You brought this on yourself.
You are responsible for this.
You deserved to be hit, bruised, insulted, raped, vilified, ostracized, etc.

According to Daryl Campbell the basic premise is this:

The abuser does wrong and expertly lays one hundred percent of the blame and responsibility for their actions on your shoulders ... Unfortunately many victims fall for it.

But assuming that some of us don't fall for it, why do abusers still keep trying to use it on us? When we still don't buy it, why do they try to get their flying monkey people to convince us?
And then when we still don't fall for the flying monkeys' pressures, guilt trips and insults, why do they still attempt to keep using it to "play the victim" and slandering us? Why won't they just give up on this crazy-making?

The reason why is because this phrase and the "You're ungrateful" phrase are some of the most used phrases by abusers (often referred to as blame-shifting). Most abusers have personality disorders (either Borderline, Narcissism, or Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and they are acting the script of their disorder -- see my post about what abuse is and who it is perpetrated by). 

At the heart of the "You brought this upon yourself" phrasing is that the abuser thinks you deserve to be hurt by them and/or rejected by them. It is a sign that the abuser does not want to care about you, your feelings, how he impacts you, what he does to your self esteem, or what he does to your life. Justice means nothing to him.

What I mean by "the discard phase" is that it is one of three steps that abusers typically use on their victims: idealize, devalue, discard (in that order). The devaluation phase comes when the victim of abuse is no longer giving the borderline, narcissist or sociopath the narcissistic supply they so desperately crave. Once the target shows that he will not stroke the ego of the abuser, the abuser will lash out (and usually abuse) his target. Then the "discard phase" usually follows (i.e. that you, and your issues, feelings and concerns no longer matter to him).

After these three steps is when you will hear the "You brought this upon yourself" phrase.

This wording particularly comes out when you are not stroking his ego, when you have found out that he is lying, stealing or cheating (or some other nefarious activity), when you show that you refuse to be his marionette, when you think of him as "less than perfect", when you show you want to do something for yourself for a change rather than what the abuser wants from you, for not sacrificing yourself for him. Sometimes it is simply because he is sick of you (personality disordered abusers do get tired of their relationships; indeed they get rid of important people in their lives, and sometimes even love to watch the destruction). They get rid of people primarily through a discard (silent treatment), usually accompanied by an uncaring attitude, but they can also be dangerous too. Expect them to talk in a haughty manner while twisting the truth about how they got rid of you when they attempt to retell what happened with others. During their discard, they are known for saying that they love someone else more who they feel will fulfill more of their needs. The discard could be over anything, but it is usually over one of these things, or something equally as unreasonable or petty.

Using "You brought this upon yourself" phrase achieves several things for them. They use it to excuse abuse as though the target "provoked them" to abuse. They use it to try to get control of their victims, as they count on their victims "kissing their ring" despite the abuse. They use it to acquire an uncaring attitude (if they can adopt an unsympathetic point of view, then they won't feel anything about what they have done, and can thereby justify it). They use it to shift the blame from themselves to someone else (blame-shifting is a tell-tale sign of a personality disordered abuser). They use it in hopes that they can use their target for continual blame (especially if it never gets challenged). They use it as an attempt to lower or change the target's self esteem, hoping the target will feel that he deserves abuse. They use it in hopes that the target will self reflect: "Did I, in any way, cause this to happen?"

In the end, "You brought this upon yourself" is a shocking, blame-shifting, brainwashing, horrendous, potent phrase. It is transformed to "He made me do it" or "She made me do it" when they explain away their abuse to authorities or pretend to be a victim (it is often the number one phrase that domestic violence counselors hear from batterers and abusers).

The point of this post is to:
1. make you realize that this is a typical phrase used by all abusers
2. make you realize that you did not bring abuse upon yourself (abuse is an aberrant, unjustified reaction to an interpersonal problem)

In another post I'll cover empaths and why so many of them believe in karma. The short of it is that empaths sometimes "worry" that they are as bad as abusers when they say "Karma will get them" (i.e. get my abuser).

But be assured that this is not the same kind of phrasing or the same kind of meaning as when abusers say "You brought this upon yourself." For one, if you are an empath, you did not abuse anyone. And if you did abuse someone without meaning to, you would apologize right away. You would be concerned about them and the relationship between you. This is in stark contrast to abusers who try to convince you that you are somehow bad, and deserve to be hurt by them, destroyed by them, lied about by them. Saying that "Karma will get them" is in response to their being abusive.

"You brought this upon yourself" is usually in response to their having "narcissistic injury", which they believe is your fault (i.e. them sensing you are finding fault with them about something, them not feeling admired or praised enough, you not kissing their ring, you not doing what you are told to do by them, you refusing to let them control you, you having an autonomous thought or action which is self-driven rather than looking for their approval).

There is a huge difference between the two. And yes, karma does "get" most abusers. I will also talk about that in another post.

If it is your parent who is abusive and rejecting, remember this. Even though you may have been told that you deserved abuse or rejection because you acted unloving towards them, or ungrateful towards them, or weren't trusting towards them, these phrases are most likely projection and they are all signs of a narcissistic disordered parent. Most reputable therapists and psychologists tell parents that their job is to love their children, period, and when they love and validate their children, their children will almost always love them back, and validate them as good parents. When parents are cruel, slandering, rejecting and punishing, children will not love them back, or think of them as good parents, plain and simple.

Also, children will not come out of the womb admiring and loving the parent. That is not their job even though a narcissist will insist that it is. The parent's job is to love the child, not the other way around. It is up to parents to teach their child what love and acceptance feels like by loving and accepting the child. When the child feels loved and accepted, the reciprocity of those feelings will come out as the child matures.

Edit on March 1, 2017: the above 2 paragraphs have to do with "abusive parents", not kind parents who live a life of integrity. I thought this edit was necessary to explain because of the comments I received on this post. -- thanks! Read How to Tell if You Have Abusive Parents if in doubt.

further reading:

definition -- from Free Dictionary

In an Abusive Relationship? Help Yourself Today -- from the Uncommon Help website

Characteristics of Abusers

Avoiding Victim Blaming -- from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness

Am I Bad? Recovering from Abuse (New Horizons in Therapy) -- by  Heyward Bruce Ewart III

“Is this abuse?”: A Guide For Aces -- from The Ace Theist blog

why abusers who punish use the ungrateful phrase

Updated 11/12/23
and 12/10/23 to include videos below

One of the major signs that you are dealing with either a narcissist or a sociopath is the phrase "You're ungrateful". This is especially likely if they are using it in tandem with abuse. The abuse can be verbal (insults, mocking, degrading, name-calling, raging at you), emotional (silent treatments, "punishing adults", gaslighting, slander, bullying, shaming), physical (pushing and shoving, unwanted touch, breaking property), financial or sexual -- please go here to learn more of what constitutes abuse.

It is one of the most common phrases abusers use to criticize and confuse their victims. They like to use it because, in their minds, it seems to excuse their abuse of you, while, at the same time, gives them an excuse to abuse.

People who have narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder are not only more likely to use the phrase, but they are more likely to use it frequently as well. This phrase accomplishes a number of things for them, which I will get to later.

Narcissists always need outside validation and enmeshment with their victims. If they feel that their victims are pulling away from them, or not sharing information with them, or are even slightly mistrusting of them, or if they feel they are losing power and control over their victims, they have temper tantrums by pulling a silent treatment (usually). As soon as they initiate the silent treatment, the "You're ungrateful phrase" usually comes up. Note the silent treatment is abuse. More here.

Malignant narcissists (those with sociopathic tendencies) are driven to feel more powerful than others around them. They insist on being authorities, and they are known to be patronizing and imperious in their speech. While narcissists are determined to keep a good image despite the destruction they do to others in their lives, sociopaths don't care about being popular so long as they feel they are manipulating people around them to give them something, so malignant narcissists are in between.

In order for narcissists and sociopaths to manipulate effectively, most of them are pathological liars and hypocrites to get what they want. Not all of them are physically abusive, but they are a lot more likely to be physically abusive and to break the law than the run-of-the-mill kinds of narcissists.

The difference between sociopaths and malignant narcissists from run-of-the-mill narcissists is that sociopaths and malignant narcissists are sadists. They enjoy threatening others, upsetting others, getting a rise out of others emotionally, they enjoy "punishing" victims for not doing what they want and they enjoy seeing their victims suffer from the consequences of investing in a relationship with them, and believing in them. Their major characteristic is a complete lack of empathy. They feel that they are admired regardless of how abusive they are. It is when they are "punishing" their victims that the "ungrateful phrase" comes out.

In contrast, normal adults, use the "ungrateful phrase" rarely, and they certainly don't like to see it used, or use it themselves in power struggles and abuse.

The phrase is an attempt by those who have personality disorders to manipulate, to confound, to disorient and to "manage down the relationship" with a victim of abuse. It is a way to make a victim feel indebted to the abuser and to excuse the abuse because of "the debt".

It also usually comes with incredible pressures to adopt toxic positivity (and in this case it would be to deny that you are hurt and that you find something in the situation to be grateful about instead). When you are dealing with toxic, abusive people, it is dangerous to deny what is happening. In the long run, it just doesn't work. In fact, they can, and do become more abusive when you deny your pain, and you become traumatized. 

According to author and professor Preston Ni (from this Psychology Today article):

Another way narcissists manipulate is through guilt, such as proclaiming, “I’ve given you so much, and you’re so ungrateful,” or, “I’m a victim—you must help me or you’re not a good person.” They hijack your emotions, and beguile you to make unreasonable sacrifices.   

At its core it is a diverting tactic; it takes away any discussion and acknowledgement of how a victim feels: hurt, in pain, sacrificed, belittled, insulted, etc. In order for the abuser to not feel that he is at all culpable for causing trauma, or owes his victim anything, he shifts the burden on to his victim instead,  telling the victim "You are ungrateful" as a way to expunge himself from any wrongdoing or culpability. In other words it is a ploy at turning the guilt away from the perpetrator(s) back on to the victim (blame-shifting away culpability is classic narcissistic personality disordered behavior, as well as antisocial personality disordered behavior). It is designed to cause shame -- trying to make the victim appear guilty and at fault, which, unfortunately works on children, even if it does not work on adults. It is also designed to cause confusion too, i.e. victims ruminate on the allegation: "Did I, in any way, cause this abuse to happen? Did I act ungrateful?". Its main purpose and design is to get victims to feel guilty and apologize to people who treat them badly.

As for "managing down the relationship", this means the abuser is trying to groom the victim to accept less and less good behavior, in bits and pieces, until the victim feels "grateful" for any crumbs at all. In these situations, the abuser uses the term "You are ungrateful" a lot. Indeed, it can be highly effective if the victim is a child, or he has more of a propensity to self reflect than to think about the agenda of the abuser.

Abusers of all kinds use the phrase so consistently that they are predictable: first: they abuse; second: the victim confronts the perpetrator about the abuse; third: the abuser justifies his actions and says "You're ungrateful", which is just another way of saying "you brought this upon yourself," another common phrase among abusers.

Most abusers treat their victims so deplorably, so unthinkingly, that go on for weeks, months or years, that many victims have plenty of time to ruminate about the allegations of "being ungrateful". Most will usually come to a point where they realize that their abusers accusations have always been projection.

And believe me, they are projecting.

I'll tell you why they are.

First off, your abuser is showing you that he is the one who is ungrateful about you, and his relationship with you. He is showing you that you don't matter to him, nor does he care about hurting you, not the other way around.

All abusers tell you what they think and feel by telling you what you think and feel. That is how you tell what their motivations are and what they are planning and thinking. If they tell you that you are evil, and planning evil deeds against them, what is really happening is that they are evil and planning evil deeds against you (time to take cover, and get protection). If they tell you that you are poison, they are poison, and mean to poison you and your life.

And, yes, it goes for gratitude too. If they tell you that you are ungrateful, what they are really saying is that they are ungrateful.

This makes them very easy to read in terms of their intentions (if you see their accusations as projections). Since narcissists and sociopaths only care what their own feelings and thoughts are, they cannot know yours, and they rarely ask, and if they do ask, they think you are lying. It is because they lie so profusely. So that leaves them no other choice than to project. This makes them not very intelligent or insightful when it comes to the emotions and motivations of others. Since they are all about what they think and feel, and all about projection and mirrors, they will always think that you think the way they think (though they couldn't be more off, and yes, they are the most un-insightful, predictable people on the planet).

If you have gotten abused to the point of being vilified, rejected (silent treatment), called names, been degraded, been scapegoated, played for a fool with their "strategically withholding affection games" during important events in your life, and they have told you that you deserved it because you didn't show enough gratitude, don't scratch your head and try to figure out what they are saying about you. Look at them instead. They are saying that they are ungrateful. Look no further. They are just looking in the mirror and telling you what they saw in the mirror.

Proof that they are just looking in the mirror is that they don't care what impact they are having on others beyond what it is doing to their reputations. One of the reasons they slander so much is that they don't want others to know that they victimize (so they pretend they are victims instead). That means that they only care about what they are going through. Most abusers cannot understand you beyond seeing you as an extension of them.

And wow, when they are ungrateful, are they ungrateful in spades, and cavalier about it too!

The abuser shows ingratitude to his victim(s) in so many ways. The most obvious way is through their typical idealize, devalue and discard way. They practice this in almost all of their relationships. If the people in their lives can prove to the narcissist or sociopath that they are undying sycophants and loyalists who will never criticize or shame them, or they are flying monkeys (flying monkeys is a term psychologists use for either helping or enabling an abuser to bully a victim) they may be spared, but not always because narcissists and sociopaths have been known to reject and terrorize over minutiae (see my post on erroneous blaming).

Other ways that abusers show ingratitude towards their victims is through silent treatments, vilification, constant blaming/shaming sessions, constant chiding, making you a laughing stock, talking at you like you were a child or a slave, refusing to listen to you, telling you what they feel and think and not being open to what you really feel and think, beating you, trying to destroy your relationships, trying to destroy your reputation, talking down to you (patronizing), rejection, trying to destroy you at the worst times of your life, talking disparagingly about you behind your back, putting you through love triangles, testing you to see if you would make easy prey for future blaming, being unfaithful, being two-faced, being glib, being unfeeling and uncaring, being fake and superficial. If you look closely, the abuser shows his ingratitude about all of his relationships, not just the relationship he has with you. He is a relationship killer and quitter. Abusers don't know their victims, even though they think they do: they only know them as they know themselves: when you aren't acting the way they want, you are prey; when you are acting the way they want, you are a "good girl mirror" or a "good boy mirror". They swing wildly back and forth between looking at you as prey and looking at you as a mirror.

So, when you are "a good little sycophant" you are grateful. When you resist being abused by them you are "ungrateful." It's as simplistic and immature as that.

As I have said in so many blogs, abusers are all about hypocrisy. Why hypocrisy? The abuser expects you to be grateful for his being horrible to you, while he can't show the slightest bit of gratitude unless you will lie on a sword for him, and even then he can get sick of you and reject you anyway.

Abusers are NOT grateful people. They are the princess and the pea with constant temper tantrums.

There is one exception about their feeling grateful.

Bullies will feel grateful if they are given the slightest attention from someone who they think is superior to them: someone overwhelmingly wealthy, or powerful, or more manipulative and psychopathic than they are. They can act just like the ashamed sycophants they expect others to be. They kowtow in the hopes that they, themselves will be able to reach the heights of power that their idols have reached.

In those situations, they will say "I am grateful" instead of insisting that their idols be grateful.

More about that in a post called "Hurting or Punishing Others to Teach Them a Lesson - Does it Work?"

From a blog post entitled "You Can Get PTSD From Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Jennifer Williams-Fields, a victim of marital abuse tells how abuse gradually and unknowingly seeped into her relationship. You'll see that the "ungrateful phrase" happened early on, in response to her complaining that her husband was out too late, that she wasn't willing to make him dinner when he finally came home (at midnight), and like so many victims, she thought about it and decided to try harder, realizing after awhile that trying harder never stops abuse, but seems to empower it.

In Alcoholic families and Narcissistic families, the "ungrateful phrase" is also used as a scapegoat tactic (the scapegoat is typically used by the family to heap all of the blame on to). If you are being told you are ungrateful, remember this: ingratitude is a feeling, and interpretive, not a condemnation of guilt. In other words, no educated and respected judge in a court of law would say: "We interpret your actions and feelings as ingratitude, thus you are sentenced to..." It is a primitive, irrational form of justice, not much different than accusing a member of a tribe for not feeling grateful as a reason for why the crops failed to grow, whereby the tribe makes the determination that the member should be exiled, tortured or sacrificed.

It is very common for people who love to scapegoat and abuse to attribute ugly meanings on a victim's feelings and use feelings (and also glances) to convict. It is desperate fault-finding. In religious abusive families, the phrase spawn of the devil is typically used in conjunction with you're ungrateful. In atheist abusive families, snake or serpent takes the place of spawn of the devil. Either way, spawn of the devil or snake or serpent is the abuser's irrational insult, not a concrete allegation. It is meant to hurt the victim, but has no weight as rational reason to convict and punish. 

"You're ungrateful" or "they are ungrateful" is used so much by abusers, and so little by empaths, that it can be a red flag letting you know that you may very well be talking to someone who is abusive (before you get involved: see my post on how to tell if someone is abusive before you get hurt).

All abusers tell you what you feel and think; they never think to ask. So, the "You're ungrateful" phrase is just part of it. It is a subcategory under erroneous blaming (erroneous blaming is a form of abuse -- see my post on erroneous blaming for more information). Abusers practically wear a sign of ingratitude and entitlement.

"You're ungrateful!" has also been attributed to abusive active alcoholics, since they misread emotions consistently, attributing negative interpretations on someone's intentions, and many of them are caught up in blame-shifting and lying already as a tactic to get people distracted from their drinking problem and illogical thinking (when drunk).

The real message, most of the time is, "You are ungrateful ... for not submitting to abuse!" ... or for the active alcoholic "you're ungrateful ... for not putting up with my drinking!"

All abusers have the ability to give "gifts". Emotional abusers might give money, child sex abusers might give candy or toys, batterers may wine and dine after they abuse their partners as part of a make-up strategy with their victim (see wheel of abuse). They count on "gifts" saddling their victims with feelings of shame and guilt. They feel entitled to forsake and discount their victim's pain, in exchange for justifying abuse. To them a gift justifies abuse.

All of it is designed to get the victim(s) to give into demands and domination.   

I'm sure this diverting tactic was even used on whipped slaves who attempted to escape from their owners: "Here we clothed you, fed you, put a roof over your head, and how do you repay us?! You run away, you ungrateful piece of crap! Now you will repay us!"

Over the years I have met many victims of childhood sexual abuse where the ungrateful phrase was lobbed at them by their abusers. Little girls are often told, with a soothing voice and a comforting caress after administering an act demanded by their adult sex abuser, "good girl" or "good boy". If the victim tries to get out of administering sex or runs away when they see their abuser, then they are often called "bad girl" or "bad boy" and "ungrateful".

"Ungrateful" in this connotation has more to do with the perpetrator's ego: sexual abusers have been known to think that their victims should feel privileged that they were chosen over a myriad of other attractive children and will accuse their victims of being ungrateful if they attempt to run away from the abuse. From all I have gleaned, it seems that most child molesters think that sexual abuse is desired by their victims, and indeed, they think all children want it, whether they are chosen or not. Unfortunately, almost all abusers have huge egos.

If these molesters receive the message that the abuse isn't desired, the perpetrators often try to convince their child victims that they are crazy, that there is something wrong with them for not wanting or enjoying adult sexual acts -- especially with the molester (whose ego is being effected by the acceptances and rejections of his victims).

Once a victim is deemed crazy by their abuser for not wanting to be a willing participant in a sex act, the perpetrators will sometimes try to make their victim a laughing stock, or otherwise humiliate the child in some way. Sometimes gaslighting is used too. If one style of abuse doesn't work, the threats and abuse increase in severity. As the child victim grows up, the abuser can often feel a sense of ownership of his former child victim and will feel enraged and betrayed as the victim gains more autonomy, is seen dating, getting married and having children, and finally, making a final escape from any more abuse. Most child sex abusers think they are special, and feel that children should view them as special too (they tend to be sociopaths and malignant narcissists).

Once an abuser labels a child victim as bad, the victim can endure punishments (abuse and terror) which is worse than performing the expected sex act.

"Punishments" on unwilling children can range from poisoning, administering medications like sleeping pills (while the sex act is performed), isolation, smearing the child's name, withholding school, temporary kidnappings, interfering with the child's friendships or work, high speed dangerous driving used to incite terror, hitting, slapping, shoving and yelling. There are many more, but the point is, that the abuse is escalated once the child resists -- and it is almost always accompanied by a myriad of threats designed to keep the victim silent, and the "ungrateful phrase" is used to keep the child compliant.

The result is that children often learn to feign enjoyment of abuse just to get through the experience and to stop escalations which feeds into the perpetrator's narcissism and makes their disorder worse.

Alternatively, some of the co-victims might join in on the taunting, bullying and name-calling just so they don't have to endure humiliations and can gain status and importance with the molester; perhaps it becomes a matter of survival to join the evil forces than to fight against them.

I have noticed that many childhood sexual abuse survivors who have become adults appear much more docile and malleable than they truly are and people around them are often caught off-guard and by total surprise when former victims assert themselves (there comes a point in many survivor's lives where the risk of buckling under is greater than the risk of assertion -- and that includes victims of abuse who learn to bend to others' wills).

All abusers have an issue with their victims' autonomy, attempts at asserting their human rights and truth-telling, whether that disapproval of their victims is expressed verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually or through threats. In essence, abusers unknowingly demand that their victims lie for them and lie about them (thereby pressuring their victims to become liars).

The result is an abuser who lives in a fantasy world, much like a hated king or queen who believes everyone is (or should be) worshiping him or her and is caught by total surprise when they are much more unpopular than they ever thought possible, and where a revolution threatens to de-throne them.

Perhaps victims live in a fantasy world too, of a different kind, in order to withstand the abuse. I have met survivors who attributed their survival to Mr. Rogers who would tell his child viewers "I like you just the way you are" (of the PBS series), to a picture of an angel on the wall guiding them out of the darkness of abuse, and so on.
  

As for the common bully-abuser or scapegoat-er (i.e. not a sex offender or a slave owner -- just the typical run-of-the-mill one)? I have noticed that if the phrase, "You are ungrateful!" is used in conjunction with, or as an excuse for abuse, more abuse usually follows those words. If you don't apologize to the abuser or recognize "the gifts" of the abuser, the abuse usually escalates and can get dangerous if you are still in their company.

If you end up apologizing to an abuser to keep the peace, the escalation process still happens because most of them take it as a sign that abuse works and that they can get away with treating you horribly. 

Groveling is what they want, and even then, they are known to say "That is not good enough." You will notice that abusers get a little smirk, a little smile when their victims are groveling, or trying to explain themselves, or apologizing even when they don't want to and shouldn't (perhaps they apologize just to stop the terror). That smile, that sadistic little smirk, is telling you that they enjoy abusing you, that they enjoy your pain, that they enjoy trashing you. Don't make the mistake that that will be the end of their getting high from abusing. They have decided they are a judge, and that the work of the victim is to treat the abuser as king, judge, jury and executioner.

Lastly, think about how the "You're ungrateful!" phrase is used. Is it used in close proximity to an incident of bullying, abuse or insensitivity to your plight or your feelings? If it is, then look at it for what it is: the most common tactic to divert the guilt away from themselves or the real people and issues that would make them accountable  -- and lastly, don't get caught in a trap where you are unwittingly apologizing for and excusing abuse.

You can find the ungrateful phrase on just about any forum for victims of abuse. Here are some posts and instances from forums that I found where abusers use the ungrateful phrase after they have been abusive (note: the parentheses are mine to clarify abbreviations):

from this forum link:
The thing is, I've tried so many times to tell them that they've hurt me and I got insulted and told I'm ungrateful etc ... I know she's playing the victim card with my extended family because of all their passive aggressive facebook posts about how some children are so ungrateful and moms love their daughters more than anybody can love someone and sometimes parents come off as the bad guy but they're only doing it out of love for you. OH! Really?! When my mom told me I was spawn of the devil and never should have been born because life would be so much better without me... that was out of love huh?" ~ Astrid (forum ID)
from this forum link:
Somehow certain PDs (personality disordered people) take the most responsible of their children and turn them into ungrateful, bratty villains while the GCs (Golden Children) get away with murder (and are celebrated for their wit and charm). It's crazy-making. ~HealingMeFL (forum ID)

Another topic I'll cover is the phrase "You brought this on yourself!" This is another favorite phrase of the abuser.

"Don't Be Grateful to Your Abuser"
by Professor Sam Vaknin (for the "Nothingness: Antidote to Narcissism" channel)
note: Same Vaknin is a psychologist and a self proclaimed narcissist. Is it worth hearing
  his perspective on not "being grateful" to abusive people,  and what goes through the narcissist's
mind in terms of whether people are grateful or not?
Perhaps it is, because it differs from the way the rest of us think:

"The Truth About GRATITUDE In Narcissistic Relationships"
- by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:

JonBenet Ramsey and Burke Ramsey: would parents cover up one of their children's murder for the other?

Some of you may have watched the recent CBS special where top investigators, forensic experts and agents tried to figure out who killed 6 year old JonBenet Ramsey, a pageant "star" from a wealthy family. Conclusion? They believed quite strongly that 9 year old Burke Ramsey killed his little sister with a flashlight at the time, possibly over some pineapple (the contents of JonBenet's stomach at the time of autopsy). The investigators proved that the skull fracture was just the right size for the flashlight end and the investigators proved it could be done by a ten year old (Burke was almost ten).

Here is the Rolling Stone overview of the CBS special.

Here is the CBS channel.

NBC also did coverage that was inconclusive as to who the killer was.

In the series, some people who knew the family were interviewed. It was revealed that Burke had a bad temper, and was known to have left his feces in JonBenet's bed (also found during the investigation) and smeared on a jar in her room (also found during the investigation). He also shows no trauma when interviewed by a psychiatrist and investigator (or fear that someone will come back for him, considering the parents are insisting on the "intruder theory"). Also, recently in a Dr. Phil interview, he was admonished by viewers and commentators for smiling through parts where he talked about how his sister died.

So, let us hypothesize and say that Burke murdered his little sister unintentionally with a blow to her skull with a flashlight. Why would the parents cover it up if Burke could not be tried in a court of law? What would the parents have to lose by calling the police and telling them that Burke struck his little sister with a flashlight and the child appears unresponsive. After all, most parents would have done that, and it would certainly have made their lives easier to just tell the truth (as their lives began to become a media circus and continued for twenty years, with a grand jury wanting to indict the parents over a cover-up and possible accessory to a crime, plus losing their fortune, plus extreme efforts on their part to impede investigations into their lives, and all kinds of other repercussions that people who might be running from the law typically have to live with).

If they had staged the ransom note, a note that took at least 20 minutes to write inside the Ramsey's home (and took practice runs on another sheet of paper), and made the body look like the work of someone being held captive (duct tape across the mouth, hands loosely tied, rope around the neck), why would parents go to those lengths?

Telling the truth would only have meant probable loss of custody of Burke and some reputation in their community (being "non-exemplary parents").

If you have read any parts of this blog, parents who go to great lengths to shield violent and bullying children from repercussion tend to be narcissistic parents (they can also be sociopaths, but sociopaths do not care too much about the praise of others). Narcissistic parents care much more about their reputations as being infallible parents than what is happening to their kids, or how their kids are interacting with each other. Most narcissistic parents take either a hands-off approach, letting the kids battle it out with each other without interference, or they actively promote the bullying (empathy is derided, and seen as a weakness in most narcissistic families). See
* Sibling Abuse and Sibling Bullying
* Parents Who Pit Siblings Against Each Other, a Folly That Fosters Abuse
* Favoritism: Fostering Abuse for Everyone in the Family, and Why a Narcissistic Parent Favors and Loves the Golden Child Most, and What It Does to the Whole Family
* Abusive Families who Triangulate (Love Triangles) -- Narcissists, Children, Lovers, et al

JonBenet was in many beauty pageants, a brainstorm of her mother. But it has also been reported that JonBenet also considered her trophies to be her mother's rather than hers. It seemed that the mother was trying to mold her child, and applauding acting skills, rather than authentic child reactions to what JonBenet was experiencing. Being a good "actor" is paramount to being a narcissist: you act out that you are better, more beautiful, more desirable, and especially "more perfect" than others, so that you can "get ahead" in the social sphere. It is a way of manipulating a vision that others have of you. Beauty Pageant mothers would say that it is "good discipline" for a child to be poised, and standing up straight, and being open to being judged, and to think carefully about her own reputation in terms of words and actions. It brings about manners. However, this sets up a certain kind of rigidity and formalism within a family: real feelings aren't talked about, and what is going on isn't talked about much either. So fatal violence can and does occur more easily in a narcissistic household than it does in a normal household.

In this context, the family unit is "everything", and its "infallibility" is everything, so yes, this kind of family could make up an intruder theory just to remain "socially acceptable" to their wealthy peers.

Narcissists are also known to fall off their pedestals because their lives are so engrossed in "keeping up with the Joneses", lying, posturing, keeping their reputations intact, thwarting honesty and honest investigations, and acting, that somewhere along the line, they can and do end up with nightmare lives like the Ramseys. Something gets found out because most people are hard-wired to find the truth, not to cover it up (this is one thing narcissists do not understand about others). It is hard to be upstanding in your community if acting and lying is the only way you get there, so in the end, some of these parents are shunned anyway. A shunned narcissist is not a pretty sight. They will deflect and deny accountability until they have no other choice, but then the "I have sinned" crocodile tear-soaked revelations that leave the public in disgust often do come out.

But why would parents defile the body of their daughter? How could they put duct tape over her mouth, and tie her hands, especially when she was already dead (a dead child from a blow to the head is horrific enough), and particularly as they made great pains to make her pretty most of her life? Wouldn't that be a contradiction? And what about that garrote?

The thing one has to remember is that this child was constantly handled, and touched much, much more than other little girls. She was also paraded around with the realization that many eyes would be looking at the child. Let us surmise that the idea of dressing her up to such an extent was to give her an appearance.

Clothes are unique to our species: it is how we present ourselves to our fellow human beings. The more made-up we are, and the more clothes we have, and the more the culture buys into being made up and having hundreds of outfits as a standard of beauty, desirability, wealth and acceptability, may be a sign that we are all trying to hide from something. Perhaps the more we are made up, the more we become divorced from our authentic selves. It was the public's opinion that being a little girl in constant beauty pageants was inappropriate, and sexualized her, and precipitated being the target of a murder. This may be true, even if the murderer was Burke, which I will get to later.

What I want to say first is that she was dressed up, so dressing her down isn't so hard to fathom, particularly when your children are primarily being used as accessories for your own reputation. Dressing her down, as much as dressing her up, was perhaps used for the same end. Dressing her up was about presenting the daughter as beautiful, cute, sweet, desirable, wealthy, pampered, loved, revered and especially about being from a respectable family who appeared to put their children first, even to the extent of putting them on a pedestal. Dressing her down to look like she was the victim of a "small foreign faction" of kidnappers, i.e. outsiders (never from the adoring family!), who took pains to restrain her, prod her and break her skin with pin points, who put a cord around her neck, was to show that parents would never do this to their own child, especially on Christmas (just too cruel and grisly), so it just HAD TO BE from an outsider. "HOW COULD YOU EVEN BEAR TO THINK WE COULD DO THIS TO OUR OWN CHILD?!?"

But, I believe, it is possible for a parent to do this to her own child for show, particularly a narcissistic mother who is already in the business of dressing her daughter to reflect upon herself.

Narcissistic parents are known for either putting a child on a pedestal, or they neglect and reject them. In other words, narcissistic parents' children look as though they've either been dressed with clothes that come from the finest tailors, designers and stores, with labels to match, like little dolls, or they are dressed down, to make their children, especially children they have deemed to be "problem children" with hopelessly out of date hand-me-downs, unisex clothes, clothes that need mending, clothes that are ill-fitting, sweat clothes, or clothes that literally look like they came out of a dump or the Salvation Army (and not kidding). Narcissists are imbued with a great deal of jealousy and possessiveness, even towards their own children, and it depends on how strong that jealousy and possessiveness is in terms of which extreme they take in dressing their children up or down.

As for the sibling angle, in the animal world, some siblings find a way to gang up on another sibling and kick them out of the nest, ostracize them, leaving them to fend for themselves, or out to die. It is a way to get more resources and attention from a parent. In some instances, losing siblings can also be a threat to survival, especially if the parent does not find its way back to the nest. So, the sibling relationship is complicated: it is both competitive and co-operative. Most adult siblings who have grown up in a normal atmosphere (i.e. non-narcissistic parenting), do end up with sibling relationships that are more co-operative and loving than even the relationship that they have with their own parents. Having a close, loving sibling relationship has more impact on quality of life than just about any other relationship, as studies have shown.

However, that doesn't mean we will end up with siblings who want a close relationship, or with parents who want their offspring to be close. In fact, if you grew up in a narcissistic household, you will probably not be all that close to your sibling. Narcissistic parents usually want children to live up to parental demands. They want children to compete for resources, attention and love. They want children to be either infantalized or parentified (and there is often no other choice but these two extremes).

So children in narcissistic households are usually not close. The exception is with a family scapegoat who has had enough of family dynamics, left the family, and set up an independent alternative for the other siblings to either follow or reject. If the parents are highly manipulative with money, rewards and words, rejection of the scapegoat by the siblings is more typical, but not always (I explain why in this post).

If one parent is spending a great deal of time with dressing up her daughter like a doll, and making sure she is pedicured, manicured, that every hair is in place, and every piece of clothing is spotless, and every piece of jewelry priceless, the boy (Burke) in the situation, is not going to get the same kind of attention, even if he gets the same amount of attention in terms of time. It is my contention that children can still feel very competitive with their other sibling, even though rationally they understand that the kind of attention they crave is not possible because of their sex.

The issue is: the parent is emphasizing a one-on-one relationship with their child, and at the same time, excluding the other child from these activities. This kind of intense concentration on an exclusive relationship with a child is more palatable the older siblings get, but at a young age, it is not so easily understood aside from intense feelings a child is having about what he is experiencing or not experiencing with his parent, or with his sibling.

In other words: the parent isn't emphasizing the sibling relationship, putting the two of them together in the sandbox, monitoring them playing fair, being a team, and other kinds of activities which foster closeness in the sibling relationship. She is spending a great deal of time in activities which the boy, Burke, cannot be part of.

For a brother to be depositing his feces into his sister's bed on a consistent basis tells a lot as to how the sibling relationship is going. So Burke may have resented JonBenet's beauty and her constantly pampered state. It is different to how a pedophile might view JonBenet, but it still sets up a situation where abuse can (and does) easily happen. This is especially true if a child sees his parents constantly comparing themselves with the Joneses or keeping up with the Joneses. Comparing others will always be on the mind of children too, and exceeding at being on top can also consume children's minds as much as it does the parents who are raising them. Burke may have built up resentment knowing he couldn't be an angel dressed in white, with blonde curls flowing down his back, floating around at a Christmas party, often in the laps of all the guests. Resentment, anger and jealousy can make a child hit a little too hard, especially if the rage is already stewing in his heart, from feeling second fiddle, even over a bowl of pineapple. It may have been his way of saying "I have had enough!!"

I'm still suggesting that the sibling relationship is in the normal realm of parenting, with each child given equal time. But the realities of narcissistic homes is that there is often not fairness, or equal time. Again, it is usually an all-or-nothing situation where the favored golden children often gets a great deal, the dis-favored ones get the bare minimum, and the scapegoats get isolated from all of them and treated as though they are pariah who needs constant ongoing punishments and incarceration. The deprivation of scapegoats is often across the board: social, mental and material, with the child often derided with labels. I have no idea whether this set of dynamics played in the Ramsey household, but they may have.

A lot has been made of Burke's appearance when interviewed as a young child and by Dr. Phil when he was 29 years old, about how inappropriate his facial expressions are, how his words don't fit his body language, how his eyes dart around, how he smiles when talking about his sister's murder, how he never appears heartbroken, concerned or traumatized, how he uses words like "sorta" and "ya know" and "kind of" and other unsure phrasing. Most of the time I suggest not convicting based on facial expressions and tics, because victims of abuse often get further abused and punished for erroneous looks across their face. It is never a good idea to judge, especially via looks and body language (as we know, language comes in many forms and your language may not be the same as their language).

Assuming that he did NOT kill his sister, the body language could be a matter of Aspherger's, nervousness, panic, PTSD, feeling flipped out by the nation-wide exposure, feeling the need to provide a polite front while not knowing how to do it (thus the constant smile), feeling awkward in the midst of his first interview, autism, anything. We just do not know.

Assuming that he DID kill his sister, his facial expressions could be sociopathic (i.e. "I am getting away with lies and altered stories and snowing everyone"), "I am keeping up a good front despite the fact that it is my first interview", "Nothing can happen to me because my parents have always protected me and will continue to protect me," and any other number of feelings and responses. But just like the NO KILL explanations, we just do not know.

The one thing we probably can all surmise is that he grew up in unusual circumstances, hounded by the media, seeing his sister on newspapers at the store, having to hide out with protective parents, probably lacking relationships and play-dates with his peers, and all of the other things that make for a "different kind of childhood than the norm" with alienation at its core.

If he is living with the fact that he killed his sister, and learned how to lie about it, or his parents insisted on his lying, then he is probably a tortured soul in many ways. Surely if he did it, his parents would have had some inner resentment towards him for making that tragic mistake. He had to learn to be inauthentic, to put on a face, to appear like an upstanding member of the family and community while living with the internal dread of having killed his sister. Holding on to that kind of secret has repercussions for the next generation, as they too will probably be expected to stuff their feelings and experiences. We tend to pass on what we know, unless we are committed to enlightenment and living in the truth. It is like holding onto a diseased organ within ones body. It is like holding onto a diseased mind too, not unlike Rodion Raskolnikov's mind in "Crime and Punishment".

Burke smiles, but he does not appear happy to me -- whether he did or did not commit the crime.    

In any case, narcissistic households are usually rife with sibling discord, ostracized members, suicides and attempted suicides, members with PTSD, alienation of children from their parents, alienation between siblings, members who are deemed "crazy" or "stupid" by parental authorities, parents who do not know where their children are or what they are doing, addicts, fake smiles, fake family togetherness, fake family loyalty, and yes, even grave injuries and murders between one family member against another family member, with cover-ups, and other assorted toxic family signs. In narcissistic households, bullying is often rewarded, and victimization often punished.

Being in a narcissistic family is a little too hard on its members. Most wish, even if the family is wealthy, that they had been born into another family.  

How to spot a Narcissist before you get hurt, the narcissists' trade secrets are all about manipulation

name of cartoon: "A Narcissist's Soul Mate" 

image is © 2016 by Lise Winne

(for questions regarding use of images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com)

Please note that when I talk about narcissism in this blog, I am talking about the disorder Narcissistic Personality Disorder (not self admiration). Narcissism belongs to the Cluster B personality disorders which include Borderline Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. Overwhelmingly, most abusers have a Cluster B personality disorder. Also note: active addicts and active alcoholics can mimic Narcissistic Personality Disorder (go here for more explanation).

What are the narcissist's trade secrets? Charm, flattery, idealization, "we have everything in common!", love bombing, swift falling in love.

But ... if it's too good to be true, then you very well might have met a narcissist.

Look into the closet of their past. Are there a lot of affairs?

Does he (or she) explain away any misdeeds? Does he (or she) make everything that has gone wrong in his (or her) life someone else's fault? Does he (or she) show any signs of personal reflection and look at all of the complexities of human interactions?

According to this Psychology Today post written by Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. on how to spot a narcissist:

No matter how charming, persuasive, or coercive they seem to be, if there is a consistent pattern of incongruity between what he says versus what he actually does, you could be dealing with a narcissist. Typically, narcissists are also quite clever in explaining away their broken promises, unsubstantiated claims, rule breaking, sudden neglect, phony merits, or boundary violations ... Keep an eye on whether this person has a consistent record of following through and keeping agreements, both to you and to others. Evaluate the narcissist based on facts and substance, not showmanship and persuasion. In personal situations, be sure the relationship is genuinely two-way and reciprocal, not one-sided and exploitative. Be careful not to be used ...

I found this graphic on Jason Elders blog to be informative:

1. One tell-tale sign of a narcissist is triangulation and a pattern of comparing himself to others, and of comparing you to others. Usually narcissists sound haughty and imperious (i.e. like know-it-alls) too when it comes to how they talk about others.

Narcissists are called narcissists because so many of them boast. The only problem is that non-narcissists boast too. The big difference is that when narcissists boast, they almost always do it in a way that puts someone else down. They have a pattern of denouncing the accomplishments and personality traits of others.

They are competitive, and they are addicted to flattery (they reward for flattery and punish for criticisms). The need for constant flattery and idolization makes them vulnerable to more extreme malignant narcissists, and especially to sociopaths. So they tend to be surrounded by other narcissists, or sociopaths, who take advantage of them through their constant need for flattery, especially later in life. But they are also chosen by narcissists and sociopaths because both personality types usually enjoy bullying and hurting others, and they like hurting others through team work (go to my movie review on The Tudors which discusses King Henry VIII to understand how this dynamic works in its ultimate form).

There is a brand of narcissist (a more social butterfly kind of narcissist who tends to be a leader) who is not so addicted to flattery, but uses triangulation in nearly every situation. They use flattery only as as a tool, whether that flattery is given or received. They flatter and receive flattery to gain respectability, social standing, to exceed and to manipulate/triangulate others. All narcissists use triangulation, but usually not to this extreme. These kinds of narcissists demand enmeshment at all times. In other words, they tend to be, what is termed as engulfing narcissists, but they seem to be a sub-species in that their tell-tale difference is the need to be surrounded by compassionate enablers and co-dependents than sociopaths and more devious narcissists. I talk about this brand of narcissist in this post.

So, is your date comparing himself constantly to others so that, in his stories, he looks better than another person? Does he shift his preference for one person in his family while ignoring another person? Does he try to control people in his family, and most of all, does he try to control what kind of relationship one family member has with another family member? Does he try to control the information in his family? Is he a busy-body who feels entitled to know what kinds of relationships each family member is having?

One sign of whether he is triangulating in his relationships is if he tries to tell family members who they should or should not associate with ("divide and conquer") or puts glib derisive labels on his family members.

If he is an authority figure in his family, does he have estranged or ostracized children? That is a dead give away of a narcissist. Unless the child is a criminal with a record, or battling a long addiction, most of the time estranged and ostracized children point to the parent being abusive (most abusers have personality disorders: narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths and psychopaths are predominantly people who abuse -- see my post about who perpetrates abuse).

Occasionally children are abusive to their parents, but it is extremely rare.

2. Narcissists get off on hurting others. While this may not be immediately apparent when you meet a narcissist, they can say things like "Let's make so-and-so jealous." Wanting other people to feel jealousy is a dead give-away of a narcissist.

3.  Another tell-tale sign of a narcissist is that when they are confronted, or when they receive a criticism, a critique or an honest look into their intentions and motives they have a pattern of being overly defensive and retaliatory.

If you want to know if a person is a narcissist, ask people around the narcissist questions. Do they blow up over the tiniest issue? Do they retaliate and reject others over issues where they might feel shame over something that they did?

In other words, in his past relationships, did he talk out issues or walk away from them? Did he do any self reflection, or did he blame? Did he give the silent treatment and discard? A history of dealing with conflict by blaming, giving the silent treatment and discarding others is almost always guaranteed to be a narcissist.

Emotionally healthy people do not act in these ways: in close personal relationships healthy people are open to self reflection, compromise and conflict resolution. They want to understand others who disagree with them.

4. Another sign of a narcissist is that they act intimate too soon: they show an interest in getting inside your head, your emotions, your life. They have an incredible desire to know EVERYTHING about you. They want to extract loyalty from you too soon. This can feel flattering, but it is a pitfall because most narcissists do not reveal much about themselves except in terms of accomplishments, and image related talk. And ... while they expect loyalty from you, they rarely give it in return. These relationships are not two-way or reciprocal. If you see these signs, keep a wide distance.

Some of the earliest tell-tale signs are mirroring your likes and dislikes, love bombing, imperiousness, grandiosity, arrogance, lecturing, giving unsolicited advice and telling you what you feel and think (i.e. not asking you what you feel and think).

5. Narcissists often contradict themselves. They'll say something, and then if you point out their contradictions, they deflect: "I didn't really mean it in that way", or "It was just a joke. You obviously can't take a joke."

6. Narcissists are notorious for erroneous blaming and they use it often in their close personal relationships. They try to find something (anything at all) to put blame on others. In fact, some narcissists are so into blaming (with triangulation), that nearly everything they talk about is a complaint (with blaming): they blame the politician they don't like, they blame the weather for why they failed to do something, they blame the boss for why they were fired, they blame family members for just about anything and everything, and the list goes on. For more on erroneous blaming see this post.

7. A lot of narcissists play the victim, especially when they are caught at covering up their misdeeds. If the person you just met spends his time telling you that he was always the victim in his past relationships, then that can be a sign ... Realize this: the real victims are usually in years and years of therapy. They go to groups with other victims of abuse and talk openly about their problems. They have been diagnosed with PTSD by a professional in the mental health field. Most likely, any victim of abuse will probably still be in therapy when dating others. That is because victims don't trust themselves when meeting potential lovers: they are skittish, reserved, go slow and get advice from their therapist as they go through the process.

From my own experience, I have never, ever met a narcissist in a self-help group, not one. Narcissists don't go because it is easier to blame others when things go wrong in their relationships. They figure, "Why go when I can just scapegoat someone who will be gullible enough to believe that everything is their fault?"

Adult children of narcissists are especially vulnerable to other narcissists coming into their lives in the way of friends, lovers and spouses. They are vulnerable because they have grown accustomed to parents who trash them, ignore dire needs and crises, abandon them when they are going through life tragedies, crash their boundaries and emotionally abuse them if they are not completely compliant. This sets up a pattern of the adult child getting sucked in by one abuser after another. Often the adult child of a narcissist feels that he has a target on his back when the reality is that he has never been taught by emotionally healthy parents how to avoid abuse, how to protect himself from abuse, how to set up good boundaries and spot abusive people. Since abusive parents also put enormous pressures on their children to reveal, to become enmeshed, adult children of narcissists tend to be way too open, and their openness is like honey to other narcissists and sociopaths.

Narcissistic parents primarily use emotional and verbal abuse (insults, put-downs, name-calling and labeling in derogatory ways, the silent treatment, favoritism, scapegoating, ranking children, gaslighting, expecting impossible perfectionism in looks and deeds, smearing, intimidating and isolating a child from the family for long periods of time when they don't like something their child did). All of this can escalate to physical abuse too, but it usually always starts with verbal and emotional abuse first. To find out what the tell-tale signs of child abuse are, go to this link.

Narcissistic parents can be protective of their children if the abuse comes from outside the family. Most narcissists are drastic in their reactions: they either make their child out to be totally faultless or they try to convince their child that he or she (the child) brought it on themselves. "You brought it upon yourself" or "they brought it on themselves" are typical narcissistic and sociopathic phrases when someone reports being abused.

Narcissists and sociopaths have also made exceptions about how they respond to abuse: they can say it is not okay for their child to be abused outside the family, but deserves abuse inside the family (narcissists tend to be very hypocritical). When their child is being abused by someone outside the family, some narcissists can seem to change their attitudes about abuse: they will give advice, listen for long hours, be solicitous of all details, offer financial support, hugs, and sympathy. Yet, from my experience, this doesn't mean they will have learned anything at all about abuse, or on how to be non-abusive. As a therapist once told me, it is hard to see it as a set-up at first: the parent is protective of the child because the abuse of their child reflects badly upon the parent, the parent having the attitude that "No one else has the right to abuse my child except for me." This is what can be heartbreaking for victims of parental abuse. Abusive parents, whether they help their children or not, almost always practice idealize, devalue and discard with their children, no matter what, just as they do in romantic relationships.

Narcissists aren't evolved enough to know how to react to children, or lovers, in any other way than the idealize, devalue and discard way when inevitable conflicts and differences in perspectives arise in their relationships. Narcissists are like six year olds in this regard. They keep alternating between idealizing, being bored and punishing, until they are distracted by someone else. They think that everything will go their way if they just punish enough. They use endless excuses and word salad arguments for why they punish and destroy others. They also desperately try to deflect to keep from being suspected and falling out of grace. They disable others emotionally or psychologically and then when their targets get therapy (usually for PTSD), the narcissists absolve themselves of any wrongdoing, by saying to others, "You see? I told you he was crazy! He's seeing a therapist!"    

To be the child of a narcissist, is to be on the receiving end of idealizations and discards, over and over again. Very few narcissistic parents change, nor do they want to change, and they are also seemingly incapable of change. Most children of narcissists are abused. The golden child, who is given special status by the parent, is sometimes spared the abuse, especially if the family can keep a family scapegoat from leaving the family, and especially if he can convince the scapegoat that he deserves to be blamed for everything. The protection and safety net for a child of a narcissist has a lot of holes in it. Love is taken away over and over again, swiftly and heartlessly, often over minutae, and without regard to circumstances. The betrayal, trickery, manipulations and loss can be overwhelming until the child learns how to separate himself from his parent. Usually a relationship with a narcissistic parent means going from total enmeshment and symbiosis, to one of being bullied, and being ostracized (discarded), over something most people would perceive as insignificant.

The extreme forms of damage done to children in these kinds of relationships should be warning enough to any and all potential lovers and close friends of a narcissist. Most adult children of narcissists are either in a stage of idealization, which can produce another narcissist, or they are in a stage of shunning. The shunned children usually had to endure a relationship with their parent that was destroyed over an issue where the parent went for domination, power and control over working it out through compromise, respect for differences, and a common goal of understanding the perspectives of one another.

If the narcissist is a boss, or a potential boss, be on the lookout. Narcissistic bosses fire for trivial reasons, do not listen to their workers, always appear to have to be right and do not care for their employees thoughts, issues, safety and well being. They are probably not worth working for. A prospective boss who has fired a lot of people, who is not concerned about how his actions effected others, who has had a string of relationship failures, who uses verbal abuse and shaming techniques to get what he wants, has used the silent treatment in the past and who appears angry when challenged, is probably not worth investing in.

Understand that narcissists rarely change unless they are hit with some very tragic events and wake-up calls. Even then, they are so addicted to blaming others, and interested in obtaining others' fear and flattery, that they may never wake up. They unrealistically expect that if they punish, blame and discard, that their victims will still want them, and will still feel obligated towards them. Narcissists and sociopaths think that they can always use guilt and fear to easily manipulate others.

This might work once on a victim, but as it becomes a noticeable pattern, or if the extreme over-reaction is over something too small to make sense of, then the victim's general trend is to separate from the narcissist. This is one reason why narcissists have very short term relationships.

As Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. states, from the same Psychology Today article:     

Since narcissists can be very charming and persuasive, it’s easy to fall under their influence and do what they want, for it might feel good to do so, at least initially. Very soon, however, you may discover that what you do with the narcissist is almost always on his or her terms, or the narcissist may begin to place upon you an ever increasing list of unreasonable expectations and demands. He or she may start to show a clear pattern of inconsistency, being there for you one moment and disappearing the next ...

In another Psychology Today article by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. tells how more Machiavellian narcissists operate:

People high in both narcissism and Machiavellianism ... are the ones who really get under your skin. Their antagonism makes them particularly hard to live with, and they’ll almost always get in the way of your accomplishing your goals. Machiavellian narcissists have mastered the art of one-uppance as they try to show their superiority while steamrolling over everyone else’s feelings and opinions.

Greg Zaffuto of the popular facebook site After Narcissistic Abuse tells in great detail what being in a relationship with a narcissist is like. Here is just a paragraph of his writing:

They lie, they are purely vindictive, they look down on everybody, they refuse to accept any responsibility, they are two-faced backstabbers, they live by no rules or laws, they prefer laughing at people rather than with them, they are pathological bullies, they are very childlike, they believe that no matter what happens they will prevail because they see themselves as invincible, they believe that whatever bad things they do they deserve forgiveness, they NEVER do anything wrong in their eyes, they are fearless to the point of being insanely unrealistic with their delusional attacks, their lies, and smear campaign, they are obsessed with their fantasies about power, success and wealth, they are incapable of compromise and need to win, they thrive on evoking reactions and emotions - both negative or positive because it gives them a Narcissistic high, chaos rules their life, they are out-of-control with their needs to secure supply from all people, they cheat on all of their partners, they break down their target/victim’s will through constant dehumanization and brainwashing to make them feel like they are the negative entity in the relationship and worthless. They are NOT capable of “real” love as normal people know it. --- Greg Zaffuto from After Narcissistic Abuse

FURTHER READING:

Narc-Sadistic Brainwashing: The 8 Ingredients Of Mind Control by Bree Bonchay, LCSW

20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You -- highly recommended. This is a long read (7 pages), but all of the "tactics" toxic people use are in this list. The article is written by Shahida Arabi, a popular author and You-Tuber (Self Care Haven) on narcissistic, sociopathic and psychopathic abuse.

13 Ways to Tell if It's Love or Manipulation -- a Psychology Today article

Shedding Light on Psychology’s Dark Triad: a dirty dozen test to detect narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy -- by Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

20 traits of Malignant Narcissism -- recommended. Not as good an article as 20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You in my opinion, but it covers the same territory. Malignant narcissists have most of the traits listed in the article which include pathological lying, scapegoating others, breaking promises and vows, never accepting responsibility (blame-shifting, i.e. putting the blame on the victims), pitting people against each other, pretending to be a victim, trying to destroy others when confronted about their behavior, rejecting others in a pre-emptive strike if they feel that their lies are being discovered and uncovered, gets off on being cruel to others (gleeful), brainwashes others, has poor impulse control, has lack of empathy, is opportunistic, pretends to be your soulmate, no respect for the rights of others, degrades others, takes wild chances with their relationships, can be violent.

The Secret Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Manipulate their Victims -- Elephant Journal Article by Via Shahida Arabi. Discusses the idealization, devaluation and discard phases in more depth.

Are You Dating an Emotional Predator? – Signs of Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths by Shahida Arabi

Great post on the blog, Psychopath Free -- "30 Red Flags of Manipulative People" -- these people often end up with abusive and rejecting behavior. Watch out for "You're my soulmate", mirroring your personality, values and interests especially if it comes in the first few months after you met

How Sociopaths Hook Empathetic People – With False Innocence and Appreciation -- by Jackson Mackenzie


5 Early Warning Signs You're With a Narcissist: learn how to spot the red flags for narcissism you might have missed -- by Craig Malkin, Ph.D. for Psychology Today

Sign of a narcissist: Narcissistic Chaos: Creating Turmoil on Purpose -- from Zari Ballard's blog.
Here are some excerpts from the post:
The narcissistic lover with a narcissistic personality will create chaos and turmoil on a regular basis (and on purpose) to keep you in a heightened state of anxiety. He/she will do this even when things are good – and especially when things are good – so that you least expect the kick to the curb. This is why the silent treatment always catches us off-guard, sending us into a tail-spin trying to figure out what happened. Creating chaos is one of the oldest narcissistic tactics in the book (next to the silent treatment, of course) and it is absolutely intentional ...
... This subtle creation of narcissistic chaos is a passive-aggressive, manipulative type of behavior and it gradually becomes an everyday occurrence when we’re involved with a narcissistic partner ... Narcissistic chaos could include starting a fight for no reason at all, Kissing you good-by and then not calling for days, or accusing you of the very thing that you’re fairly certain he’s doing. Creating passive-aggressive chaos is a powerful and effective way for narcissists and sociopaths to manage down our expectations of the relationship until we are perfectly willing to accept nothing more than crumbs ...
... Victims of this type of emotional abuse always feel in a state of heightened anxiety. We eventually have trouble focusing on jobs, children, friends, etc.

Profile of a Narcissistic Sociopath – Charming, Manipulative, Grandiose, Lying, Authoritarian, Secretive, Divisive from the Truth In Life, In Relationships, In Spirituality blog
 
Sign of a narcissist: loves to argue and debate. The sign is that they have to "win" arguments, rather than understand others' perspectives. So: Stop Wasting Time Arguing with Narcissistic People -- from the Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Flying Monkeys -- Oh My! blog.

Here are some excerpts from the post:

Narcissistic people are famous for using irrational argument tactics to time-suck and abuse unsuspecting victims. On the constant hunt for a “narcissistic supply source” that will pay attention to them, the more heated and volatile an exchange, the more likely a narcy person is to derive pleasure from the argument.

Narcy people thrive on hurting, confusing, bewildering, befuddling, and abusing others verbally. To destroy other people emotionally and socially, they oftentimes resort to using pathological lying, deliberate misinterpretation, word salad arguments, and a host of other dirty conversation tricks to entice an unknowing person into spending time listening to, talking to, pleading with, and trying their hardest to communicate effectively with them ...
... Again, resist the urge to debate with them. Resist the urge to share any personal information with them ... Understand that when they get verbally combative — or start manipulating covertly using NLP techniques used by kidnappers to manipulate and control the minds of their captive victims — that they are acting from a place deep within their subconscious nature.
The post also tells you how not to enable the abuser (i.e. keeping peace with them, letting their unethical tactics go, minimizing their abusive tactics as a "bad childhood", etc). It can turn you into one of their Flying Monkeys (helping them to excuse and downplay abuse).

Narcissists can turn into Sociopaths (Antisocial Personality Disorder). The Cluster B personality disorders run on a continuum, and as narcissists age, they tend to get worse (i.e. more sociopathic). Here are signs of sociopaths (from the True Love Scam blog -- endorsed by psychologist, Dr. Deborah Ettel, Phd.):
20 Characteristics of a Sociopath
1. Fun, charming and entertaining. Super polite when meeting people.
2. Impressively talented, knowledgeable or skilled, or lead us to believe they are.
3. Have profound perception; later it’s scary, like telepathy, even from a distance.
4. Are easily offended and vain. They fluster and bluster when offended and lash out.
5. Lie always. About all things – .01% of what they say might be true – such as their shoe size.
6. They believe they are better than everyone – and hold others in contempt.
7. Crave a good reputation. Defend their reputation with outrageous lies; see #5.
8. Crave status and power through possessions & money.
9. Have delusions of fame and importance.
10. Mimic our human emotions of affection, love, concern.
11. Have no capacity for care, concern or love. They are faking it. They imitate us.
12. Think of themselves as victims. They can cry fake tears at the drop of a hat.
13. Are sexually promiscuous and often simultaneously avoid sex with a primary partner.
14. Do anything they want to anyone.
15. Think their prey should be grateful.
16. Take pride in their scams. Run several scams simultaneously. Many women; many men.
17. Believe everyone deserves what they do to them.
18. Smear their victims when things end loudly, publicly, online and in court.
19. Have outbursts of rage. Can be violent.
20. Know they are monsters; they enjoy it.
I personally disagree with #3 because they are too caught up in "people manipulating" and power trips to have any deep understanding of what it is like to think, feel and to be a real empath. The fact that they have to fake empathy, and get tangled in lies they can't keep straight, and that they appear to have very few interests beyond mirroring and imitating others, tells me that they haven't the slightest clue as to who people really are. These are NOT sensitive and telepathic people (they are so out of touch that they have to gaslight in order to see anything that seems vaguely familiar to them -- think about that) -- my opinion.

5 Things Sociopaths Say to Make You Feel Crazy by Jackie MaKenzie

A video I found on Facebook:
Understand the gray area between love and control before a bad relationship escalates.

(sorry no picture, so click on link) 

Here is a video by Family Tree Counseling, by therapist Mark Smith on character mis-perceptions 

as it relates to predatory narcissists:

Dr. Phil is interviewed by Oprah Winfrey about the signs of toxic people:

Dr. Phil is interviewed on CNN about "Baiters":

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula claims you can tell if people are narcissists

based on eye contact in this video:

"Narcissists and Eye Contact"

by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:

 

Here is a video by Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love

on how to spot an abuser on a first or second date.
Sam Vaknin is a self-proclaimed narcissist, and he is a controversial figure
in the survivor community. Because he has the disorder, it is always wise
to take what he says with a grain of salt.
Many therapists, however, find his insights into the mind of narcissists invaluable
(it takes one to know one, and who better to tell you how they think and function than
someone living with the personality disorder).
I found this video to be consistent with writings about first meetings with narcissists
and how to watch for signs:

I found this great quote from my relative on this post from the Queen Beeing website: