PETITION: the first petition I have seen of its kind: Protection for Victims of Narcissistic Sociopath Abuse (such as the laws the UK has, and is being proposed for the USA): story hereandhereorsign the actual petition here
Note:After seeing my images on social media unattributed, I find it necessary to post some rules about sharing my images
Sense of Entitlement: Because they consider themselves special, narcissists expect favorable treatment as their due. They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get. They also expect the people around them to automatically comply with their every wish and whim. That is their only value. If you don’t anticipate and meet their every need, then you’re useless. And if you have the nerve to defy their will or “selfishly” ask for something in return, prepare yourself for aggression, outrage, or the cold shoulder.
Entitlement is one of the major signs and symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (that whole article is worth reading if you are new to studying narcissism).
If you have a disagreement with the narcissist, expect that they will leave you with a list of demands that they expect to be fulfilled. If you don't fulfill them, you will be given the cold shoulder and they will try to smear your reputation and character. While it is extremely hurtful, don't take it personally - realize that it is part of their disorder.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula (whose video I have inserted below) makes a very good case that a narcissist's sense that they deserve entitlements that others do not deserve, has a deep connection to why they are not empathetic. I recommend it even though it's for narcissist's ears to hear, not their victims.
In most relationships with narcissists, make-ups aren't a mutual effort. They expect you to make all of the efforts and overtures (that's often the first time you see their entitlement). If you don't do it, most of them just give you the silent treatmentand try to sully your reputation. It is their way of showing you contempt for not doing as they please. Most of them go on to someone new who they think will better serve their needs. Usually that is as far as it goes.
However, it can go much further where they are dangerous to you: stalking, threats, threats of physical or social harm, sexual abuse, financial threats and financial abuse, demands that put you in danger, kidnappings or false imprisonment, murder.
You won't know how dangerous they are. It depends on their personal make-up and how distracted they are with their new source of narcissistic supply. It also depends upon whether they get similar narcissistic supply that they used to get from you. And it depends on how enraged they become over time about the contact or lack of contact you give them (a warning: they usually aren't happy with either so it is usually a no-win situation).
When they are "supply deficient", when their grandiosity is going through incredible challenges, when they are being called upon to deal with any kind of shame-related or illegal activities that they perpetrated, when they have expressed violent behavior in the past (with peers, or children, or animals), they can become dangerous. If you don't know enough about the violence or illegal activities they perpetrated in their past, the advice is to usually plan an exit, to stay away from them and keep law enforcement in the loop by keeping a record of aggressive texts, e-mails, conversations and actions. Talk to a domestic violence counselor and to police if you think you may be in danger.
Which is to say that their entitlement to initiate punishments and afterwards to receive apologies, attention, for you to be obedient towards them and their wishes, to put up with their abuse can become quite harmful and happen in ways you do not expect.
Narcissistic rage is an outburst of intense anger or silence that can happen to someone with narcissistic personality disorder ...
... We all desire attention and admiration from the people around us.
But people with NPD may react with narcissistic rage when they aren’t given the attention that they feel they deserve.
This rage may take the form of screaming and yelling. Selective silence and passive-aggressive avoidance can also happen with narcissistic rage.
Most episodes of narcissistic rage exist on a behavior continuum. On one end, a person may be aloof and withdrawn. Their goal may be to hurt another person by being absent.
The next article I'll present to you basically says the same thing with the caveat that it's a no-win situation for you if you ignore them (when they go silent and you accept the silence between you) or when you engage with them (which is likely to bring out their overt rage and the demand that you give into them): What Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist? According to 8 Expertsbythe editors of Up Journey:
How will a narcissist react to being ignored: If you ignore a narcissist and deny them their source, they may become enraged and try even harder for your attention – especially in ways that can be toxic or abusive. Ignoring a narcissist will enrage them because of their fragile egos. They’ll feel humiliated and lash out against you to protect themselves.
So for all intents and purposes, narcissists who hurt you by rejection and moving on to have a relationship with someone else, who forget about you or don't bother with you any more are a blessing compared to narcissists who become continually enraged that they didn't get what they wanted or expected to get from you (who are more likely to become dangerous). By the time you are discarded and they have moved on, perhaps you are exhausted from trying to please the impossible-to-please narcissist anyway. It certainly won't seem like a blessing at the time, but it can certainly be one later on as you realize that they were only in the relationship with you to attain more and morepower, control and domination over you, and basically run your life.
However, if you are involved with a narcissist who is continually becoming enraged (or conversely hoovering and stalking you) over being ignored, what do most domestic violence counselors suggest that you do?
Most domestic violence counselors will be making suggestions that will keep you safe. A good domestic violence counselor will always make that their first priority. So the general advice is to accept the silent treatment, move on with your life, and if they become enraged to the point where they "punish you" for not giving into them (giving them what they want), these counselors tend to advise getting law enforcement involved. Stalking, harassment (including unwanted communications from them), threats, stealing, slander (smear campaigns), restraining you, financial abuse, false imprisonment, attempted murder, attempted violence and physical abuse are all illegal. Eventually all states in the United States are likely to have coercive control laws to add to this list too. You have rights to peace, boundaries and safety and to not be controlled and manipulated by someone else. Note: people who are controlling in a close personal relationship usually have narcissistic traits. I encourage you to look at the other traits they tend to exhibit (some of them are listed on the right side of this blog) to make a determination if that is who you are dealing with.
A lot of blogs having to do with narcissistic abuse (like the one I found here that is a great blog in terms of what happens when narcissists try to dismantle your reputation and life, but not a good one in terms of keeping safe). These kinds of articles will tell you to keep ignoring the narcissist as he or she ramps up the attacks via smear campaigns, however ignoring them also means they are ramping it up without resistance - quite abusive and dangerous. Abuse always escalates, and most of the time it continues to escalate whether you are talking to them or not. Smear campaigns are just abuse-by-proxy. So resorting to a strategy where you are just ignoring them and their aggressive behavior (or their passive aggressive behavior) and the problems and attacks they are perpetrating in your life are often not a great idea. Always remember that ignoring them (even if they are the ones who originally initiated a silent treatment or discard) can mean that their narcissistic rage is deepening into an obsession, to the point where they have to do something to you to get relief from the rage.
They are often thinking ahead on how to do destruction to you or your life, so you have to think ahead too on how to handle it. Being proactive in terms of reporting is a great way to achieve a record, and to get legal help when you need it. There are many other things to do, and for that a domestic violence counselor should be sought.
Be aware, however, that victims tend to downplay the abuse and violence they are receiving. "It's not that bad", "He (or she) loves me", "He has a hard day at work, so I give him a little leeway", "She has to take care of all of our kids and I understand why she goes off the deep end sometimes", "I can put up with it", "He (or she) wouldn't be doing this if I had apologized more" and so on. Under-reacting happens because you are overwhelmed (and cognitively in a fight or flight mode), so it's natural to diminish abuse (but it is also dangerous).
Most of the people I know who are continually exposed to narcissistic abuse (including abuse-by-proxy) eventually feel they have to move, go no contact, contact a lawyer, get police involved, to get some sort of relief and legal protection to totally avoid the narcissist and the destruction they are trying to wield. However, moving is not always your preference, or do-able. But sometimes moving and going "no contact" is the best strategy with the present laws and types of protections we have in the United States (where there are too many loopholes in the laws and not a consistent form of training when it comes to police enforcement and protection).
As far as entitlement goes, abusers in general feel entitled to abuse you. They will make all kinds of excuses for why they have a right to abuse and to be emotionally dysregulated (i.e. rage off the charts). The excuses run the gamut: - "I was abused too as a kid. It was all I ever knew" - while it may be true, they have an obligation to clean up their act. - "I fed you and took care of you! I was a much better parent than my parent!" - it may be true, but they have an obligation to seek help to stop abusing you. - "It's just the way I am! I fly off the handle! If you don't like it, leave!" - good advice. Leave. - "I'm sorry you're upset. I have a right to rage if I want to. I'm not obligated to be 'Mr. Smooth Emotions' around you." - this shows lack of empathy for what their rage is doing to you (one of the definitive characteristics of narcissism is lack of empathy). While technically rage isn't against the law, it is a form of intimidation that tends to get worse over time. Raging at you a lot is a power and control move: they count on their rage intimidating you enough where you will give in to what they want. It should be a deal-breaker in terms of trying to maintain a healthy relationship. - "I'm sorry I insulted you so much, but you brought it upon yourself" - very typical phrase among abusers, and a sign of blame-shifting. - "If you had vacuumed the room perfectly, I wouldn't have gone off on you like that.", "If you had taken all of the dishes out of the dishwasher when I told you to do it, I wouldn't have smashed up the kitchen" - perfectionism in an adult-to-adult relationship is a common expectation among abusers, and they use it as an excuse to abuse. Notice how imperfect they are and stop trying to reach their absurd standards of perfection ( I suggest the movie "Sleeping with the Enemy" as that movie demonstrates the absurd levels of perfection that can be expected over time). - "Stop crying, or I'll strangle your scrawny little neck!" - they feel entitled to tell you when you get to express emotions. Most narcissists do not have empathy when you cry, and they find it irritating. Plus they get enraged when other people cry over how they are treated by them. It puts the abuser in a shame-rage spiral (when narcissists feel ashamed, unlike the rest of us, they rage - they also do not feel you have a right to shame them, which is another reason they rage). Also, believe them when they make threats of strangulation. They definitely feel entitled to threaten, abuse and rage when they are feeling ashamed by anything, including your crying. However, just to put this in perspective, look at how much they shame you and others - probably a lot. Shaming is a form of abuse. Don't take any of this behavior personally and don't put up with their hypocrisies.
Some of the other common entitlements they expect: - they often feel entitled to tell you what you think and what you feel and will often resist being corrected by you. - they feel entitled to break your self esteem to teach you that they are more superior than you are, and that you should always be be their student. - they feel entitled to teach you "behavior lessons" (i.e. to treat you like a child who needs to learn lessons from them on how to behave in ways that will make them happy and where they can feel emotionally regulated enough not to go into a rage) - they feel entitled to shame you continually (to wreck your self esteem so that they can be in charge of what you do and what you say) - they feel entitled to meddle in your career or job. Some of them don't want you to work at all, especially if they are jealous (boss, co-workers, people you have hired, the type of work you do, etc) - they feel entitled to pit your spouse, siblings, children, grandparents, nieces and nephews, friends, co-workers, and boss against you. - they feel entitled to treat their children like little slaves
- they feel entitled to break promises any time they feel like it - they feel entitled to ignore your feelings
Need I go on? Narcissists can feel entitled to get everything they want, whether they hurt other people or not. The higher they are on the spectrum, the more entitled they will be.
WHY ARE NARCISSISTS SO REBELLIOUS?
One of the telling signs of a narcissist is road rage, going way past the speed limit, passing on the solid line, not letting you merge with traffic, hitting your car with their car and telling you that it was "all your fault".
If you are riding with them and you get into an argument in the car and you aren't responding the way they want you to, they can threaten to drop you off in the middle of nowhere and make you walk.
Some of the other things I have noticed personally:
* swimming in reservoirs (for drinking water) where there are clear signs that say things like "no swimming and no boating" * on the Long Island ferry there are clear signs everywhere that cars should not be started until the boat docks and comes to a complete stop. But invariably the "entitled people" start their cars up anyway, sometimes way before they see land (to keep the heater on, to listen to music - gassing out the people in the car behind them). * during the mask ordinance, a lot of the people who didn't wear masks felt that they had special immune systems, or special medications, that they could dodge the virus while watching the rest of their countrymen die or get sick (because, they reasoned, the average citizens had "inferior immunity", and lack of knowledge about medical or herbal "cures") * break laws about nude swimming * stealing * if they are "financially challenged", and a car is unlocked with a wallet in the front seat, they might feel entitled to take it * having affairs despite their marriage vows to stay faithful * abandoning their children, and because they don't want to be embarrassed by that fact, they tell others that their children abandoned them instead * they are caught cheating and to not be embarrassed it, they tell the person who caught them that their spouse is a domestic violence offender and that their new lover is saving them * they indulge in domestic violence and child abuse even though it is illegal * false imprisonment even though it is illegal * trespassing even though it is illegal * stalking, even though it is illegal * threats to hurt their spouse or grown children if you don't do what they demand (illegal in some states in the USA under new coercive control laws, completely illegal in the United Kingdom) * teaching a child how to shoot a pistol even though it is illegal * killing wild animals out of season, harvesting more wild animals that is over the legal limit * torturing wild animals in ways that are illegal * setting traps where there are "no hunting, fishing or trapping" signs * hunting on private property where there are "no hunting, fishing or trapping" signs, hunting within 100 yards of someone's house (both illegal) * consumption and trafficking of illegal substances * trafficking children or other human beings * lie about how much alcohol and drugs they consume * lie about cheating * lie about being victimized when they are the victimizers * then there is Jeffrey Epstein who felt entitled to have sex with a lot of underage girls, breaking the law blatantly, because he was wealthy, had co-conspirators, manipulated prosecutors into giving him "sweetheart deals" and had "dirt" on other wealthy people - he had all of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder plus some of the criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder and communal narcissism. * and then there are a lot of narcissists who don't want to care a shred about how you feel and what you've endured, and they also feel entitled to refuse to hear you out, but when you put up boundaries and refuse to talk to them about certain subjects, and want "out" of the relationship, they find it maddening and cruel
Most of these incidences show rebellion. In other words, they feel entitled to act in these ways, but do not want others in their life to act like this towards them.
This is all so confusing when it comes to children: "Am I supposed to do what you do, or am I supposed to only listen to what you want me to do? And by the way, why do you get to do what you don't want me to do?" That's where the cognitive dissonance starts: wrong is right somehow, and right is somehow wrong. If you are a good kid and tell the truth, you are somehow bad, and if you lie a lot (especially for them) you are good. That's just a small example of the thousands of mixed up messages kids get. And to make it all worse, one kid from the same family practically gets away with murder, while another kid can't even get away with a facial expression the narcissist doesn't like without getting abused over it. That is because narcissistic parents put their children in roles. And to randomize this set of circumstances, some narcissists change the roles on their children so that no child gets comfortable with consistent treatment!
One of the greatest hypocrisies that most people notice early on in a relationship with a narcissist is that they expect complete compliance, conventional adherence, loyalty, and even hate any signs of rebelliousness from their victims, but are often over-the-top rebellious themselves, refusing to live by the standards they set for others.
They feel free to thumb their noses at societal norms, to be disloyal, to lie and over-inflate what they do and who they are, even break laws, and to top it all off, too cowardly to confess when they've broken laws. But others? They want complete confessions and reparations, especially if abuses, mixed messages and crimes committed against them. They have expectations of others that they would never live up to themselves.
If they are so rebellious, why can't they give you a break when you are just a tad rebellious? Do they only give themselves a break to act out, and excuse themselves for acting out, and not you?
The answer to this is "yes".
And it is why it is so hard to respect them, or even listen to their defenses, lectures, insistences of compliance, and attacks on our character. We get fed up with their double standards and their "Do as I say and not as I do" stances and excuses.
Entitlement, rebelliousness, "it's okay for me to act like this, but not okay for you" attitudes, and all of the glaring and myriad hypocrisies around their entitlements are too hard to live with day in and out, for anyone ... They are also some of the first signs that we see when we have gotten to know narcissists a little for who they really are. We come to understand that entitlement explains why they break promises without any kind of feeling or introspection, but feel that others should not only keep their promises to the narcissist, but do everything the narcissist wants. What kind of fantasy world do they live in?
A big one.
Their entitlement and hypocritical rebellions are also one of the biggest contributors to why they are incapable of hanging on to deep authentic close personal relationships. They can't be close to people because they have a compulsion to control them in ways they can't be controlled = bad outcome for relationships of longevity.
"Introduction to Entitlement"
by Dr. Ramani Durvasula: (my note: she makes the case that entitlement is deeply connected to their lack of empathy):
"Understanding the narcissist's entitlement (30 DAYS OF NARCISSISM) - Dr. Ramani Durvasula"
"When narcissists use their performance/accomplishments to justify their entitlement" by Dr. Ramani Durvasula:
"Your Disobedience Toward A Narcissist's Control" by psychologist Dr. Les Carter for Surviving Narcissism
"7 Signs Of A Narcissist's Entitlement" by psychologist, Dr. Les Carter:
also from Dr. Phil McGraw that I thought was really to the point (he makes the case of why narcissists should not be in therapy): What Is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
I am exploring this on-going case of a woman (Gabby Petito) killed on a van trip across the west with her fiancé (Brian Laundrie) because it brought domestic violence issues into the national limelight, as well as narcissistic abuse (and includes why men kill the women they purport to love). It is an on-going case, so I will be adding to this post as news comes in.
New news is posted in green (i.e. writing I have done on this since October 9th).
A lot of survivors of domestic violence saw themselves in Gabby Petito's story (as well as the police videos which saw a distraught Petito in tears throughout the hour and a half police video defending her abuser). A couple of weeks after the couple's encounter with police she was killed.
I will be adding to this story as time goes on, and as information becomes available.
At the present date, the news is:
Laundrie returned to his parents house with Petito's van, and without Petito. He and his family lawyered up upon his return and he and his family refused to talk to the police. His family did not report Petito to be missing either, even though she had lived with the family for a year. Gabby's parents called and texted Brian's parents numerous times saying they were worried about both of them because they hadn't heard from them. The Laundrie's did not respond to the frantic and worried texts and phone calls.
Then his family went on a camping trip (and Brian went with them). Police found Gabbby's white van at the Laundries. Meanwhile, Gabby's parents filed "a missing person" report, and shortly afterward Gabby was found dead, and the death was ruled a homicide (a manual strangulation with throttling).
Then Laundrie went missing. Then the Petito family had a funeral for Gabby.
Other specifics come from Gabby Petito's closest friend, Rose Davis:
The last day Gabby was seen alive comes from Nina Celie Angelo, a witness, who noticed a big commotion between Brian and a hostess at the Merry Piglets Restaurant:
Some experts who are knowledgeable about narcissistic behavior (some of those experts are featured below) surmised that Brian could have been in a punishing mood towards Gabby after Gabby apologized for his behavior to the wait-staff at the Merry Piglets restaurant.
The reason why punishments are common for narcissists (especially malignant narcissists) when you apologize for their behavior are for these reasons:
- Narcissists are black and white in their thinking. They believe that you have to be 100 percent supportive of what they do and say, and have the same perspectives that they do, or you are deemed to be a "100 percent traitor", a disloyal enemy. They tend to go between these two extreme perspectives, depending on how the other person is supporting them. If you are perceived not to be supporting them, the outcome is usually their rage. They get into "fight mode" - you are deemed to be "the enemy" at such times.
- They also tend to idealize themselves (they truly believe they are greater than anyone else and that they are entitled to leadership positions)plus they are hyper-sensitive to criticism (even though they are generally super critical of others, because, again, they believe they are greater than anyone else),so people who challenge them in a critical way can be seen as "the enemy". Apologizing for their behavior to others will definitely set a narcissist into a shame-rage cycle, with the rage intensifying as he dwells endlessly on how you shamed him in front of the staff at a restaurant.
- Narcissists are entitled, and they practice infantilization (giving you constant lectures on your behavior and seeing you as a little child who needs to learn lessons) and they are also addicted to power and control and believe they should be calling all of the shots in the relationship (because you are deemed, again, to be too much of a child). So someone who apologizes for their behavior is seen as infantilizing them instead ("You naughty boy! Raging at the wait-staff like that! Since you can't apologize like a nice boy, I'll have to do it for you!" - this is how they see it!). In order to maintain power, control and domination, they have to convince you that you are the unruly child instead. And you know what happens to unruly children: they are punished. They don't think there is anything wrong with their aggressive behavior at a restaurant, and that you should support their every rage rather than apologizing for it ("if you know what is good for you" the narcissist typically thinks). And they don't think there is anything wrong with punishing either (they don't consider it to be abuse - they think of it as an entitlement to deal with, what they see as, your out-of-their-control behavior).
- Narcissists who have begun to express their rage in violent ways will usually escalate the violence as the cycle of abuse continues. Once physical abuse has started, it can escalate very fast, even to the point of murder. It obviously did for Gabby (allegedly). It took only days. Prior to the murder Gabby admits reluctantly (while crying) in police videos that Brian grabbed her face and shoved her using that same grip on her face to send her backwards (the altercation was also seen by witnesses which was the reason for the police stop). Pushing and shoving most often leads to bigger assaults. Physical assault to the face, head and neck is a huge red flag (lovers who murder their partners usually assault that part of their victim's body). Pushing and shoving is a dominance move, and Brian did that as well, but any kind of physical abuse can escalate to murder. The main dangers are controlling behavior, verbal abuse (tearing your character apart, devaluing, demeaning, contempt, etc), lack of empathy, and infantilization (teaching you lessons as though you are a child - generally with punishments involved). Telling you to be calm when you are traumatized by how they are treating you is also a huge red flag (and it is also gaslighting). Trauma and being calm do not go together; in fact anxiety and emoting is the natural by-product of trauma.
Brian sometimes tried to strand her while attempting to drive off without her in her van - he even admits it to police. Abandonment is also extremely common for narcissists, and the more traumatizing the abandonment, the more many of them like it (malignant narcissists are sadistic and it shows them that they are in control, and that their victim being an unruly child is bound to learn the narcissist's lessons the hard way: "to behave and support the narcissist in everything he says and does" or the narcissist will leave her high and dry again and again).
Leaving Gabby stranded in rural areas would definitely produce some trauma for Gabby, and if he tried to pick her up again she might acquiesce to his domination and demands more readily in order not to be stranded again (where infantilization/teaching a lesson to Gabby comes in).
- If Brian did not murder Gabby, how is it normal to drive her van home to his parent's house? - How is it normal for a non-murderer (assuming he wants people to see him as innocent), not to file a missing person's report? He knew she was missing in Wyoming. - How is it normal for him to unlawfully use a debit card (that is sparking an arrest warrant) just days after Gabby was killed. - How is it normal for his parents not to pursue looking into the reasons why Gabby was missing when Brian returned home in her van without her? Shouldn't they have done a missing person's report at the very least? - How is it normal for the Laundrie family to go on a camping trip when Gabby is missing? - How is it normal for Brian to go on a nature hike and go missing after Gabby's parents filed a "missing person's report" on her? - How is it normal for Brian to buy a burner phone with his mother after the murder from AT&T? - How is it normal for the Laundrie family not to help with the investigations by the FBI? Why are they and Brian so silent about what happened? - How is it normal for Brian Laundrie's father to be mowing the lawn less than 24 hours after Gabby Petito was declared strangled by the coroner?
Which is why so many people think that Brian murdered Gabby.
Other specific news that are making it hard for the FBI to find Laundrie:
Right now, I am writing from the perspective that alleged domestic violence scenes were perpetrated by Laundrie against Petito (as reported by several people who saw the incidences - in some of the videos below). She fought back in some instances, accounting for the scratches on Laundrie. Petito was killed several days after these occurrences and after talking to police (she was crying the whole time while Laundrie acted jovial and friendly). I have seen the entire video with their encounter with the police.
It's a heartbreaking image of 22-year-old Gabby Petito sitting in a squad car, crying, as her fiancé talks to police, calling her "crazy."
For one, I would like to remind police that domestic violence abusers often refer to their victims as crazy. It's the common gaslighting tactic. So, any police officer who is called upon to look into an incident involving domestic violence should be aware and have their suspicions up when that phrase (or like phrases) are used.
Another red flag is that perpetrators are often calm, charming, and even joke, while victims are falling apart at the seams emotionally, and often blaming their emotional expressions (and other incidences) on themselves so they aren't attacked again (perpetrators desperately want to hear victims say "everything is my own fault, it's all me - I must be crazy, or OCD, or anxious", or what ever it is. "I'm so sorry I'm crying" - they will often apologize for emotional expressions because in a lot of cases it is emotional expression which sets off the violence in the perpetrator). Perpetrators (who tend to be narcissists and sociopaths) lack empathy, so it is perfectly fitting that he would be charming, laughing about the incident, being jovial with the police.
Instead it's a competition: "I'm the jovial put-together person here, and my partner is a 'crying mess'. And by the way, Mr. Officer, who are you going to believe about this incident?"
And that's the problem in the first place, the "Who are you going to believe?" part of it. It should never be a problem that is solved through belief-oriented perspectives, ever. It should always be researched by domestic violence counselors where the whole relationship (and all domestic violence incidences are discussed). These are the best people to get to the bottom of the issues because victims are often in denial, down-play physical attacks, will talk about "the love between us", are emotional and distraught, fear if they don't take most of the responsibility for attacks that their abuser will stalk them and attack them more.
Professionals who are trained to respond to domestic violence incidences are best so that there won't be any more belief-oriented decision-making that will put more lives at risk. Professionals trained in trauma responses, and professionals trained in perpetrator and victim behaviors are best. Any professional in this area of expertise would know the classic gaslighting and charming behaviors of perpetrators, as well as the lack of concern for a partner who cannot stop crying for a hour and a half while being interviewed by police, and the trauma reactions from someone else inflicting initiative violence.
If police are trained properly to respond to domestic violence incidences, these should be the questions they ask in addition to the ones they asked:
To the victim:
- "Is he controlling in any way? How controlling?" - this is an important indication of danger. - "What other domestic violence incidences have happened between you?" - a history of domestic violence that is escalating is an indication of danger - "When he is angry does he handle your face, head and neck?" - huge indication of danger - "When he is angry or rageful does he insist that you give into him or do you talk things out?" - an important indication of danger. - "Do you find yourself giving into what he wants to keep the peace between you?" if the answer is yes, it's another indication of danger - "Do you often cry a long time when he is rageful or angry, or do you feel you can't say or feel anything in order to keep from setting him off"?" - if the answer is yes, this is a sign of trauma and feelings of helplessness in the victim. - "Does he go into a rage when he perceives he has been criticized, or when you tell him you are hurt by his behavior?" - if the answer is yes, this is a sign of narcissism and psychopathy, and it is also an indication that the relationship is too toxic for any kind of resolution. The violence WILL continue to escalate. - "Does he threaten to strand you" (when you are both traveling). "How often does this happen?" - "How many times has he taken away your phone?" - this is something that Brian did to Gabby and it is an indication that he didn't want her to call anyone.
To the perpetrator:
- "Does she cry a lot when you get angry?" - "How often do you get angry?" - "Does she give in a lot to what you want?" - "Do you think this incidence and most incidences like this are entirely her fault?" - saying yes to this when the victim has answered in a way that he is controlling, where there are continual incidences like this, when he is handling her neck or face, etc. is a sign of narcissism or psychopathy in the perpetrator. This means that he doesn't care enough about his victim to care about her safety either; he only cares about laying the blame on her.
In the incidence between Gabby and Brian, there is also the issue of "fighting back" when being slugged, or slapped, or shoved, or your face gripped with someone else's fingernails digging into your face, or being threatened with locking you out of your own vehicle and taking off and leaving you in an unfamiliar area. In a study done in Massachusetts, 37.3 percent of women fought back. You are certainly going to fight back if your perpetrator's intentions are to murder you. But even inflicting injury can mean fighting back to keep from being injured egregiously. Defense (a form of reactive violence) does not always mean abuse (or the person characterized as a "bully-victim", a term used by psychologists to describe people who perpetrate violence, but are also victims of violence). Also, the mind and body prepares to fight for itself, to keep oneself alive during attacks. It also keeps you from having debilitating trauma reactions. Much has been made about "the only way to solve a domestic violence situation is to leave", but that is not always possible, especially if you are in the moment of being attacked and your abuser has you pinned to the ground, for instance. Often the threat of leaving makes your abuser much more violent than usual. Then there is stalking, which certainly can be solved with various forms of legal and police protection, plus moving, but it cannot be solved in the moment the stalking is occurring.
In other words, the freeze response isn't all it is cracked up to be, and does not keep the attacks at bay. The fawn response mostly doesn't work either especially if the perpetrator considers you to be "the enemy", or feels the fawning is fake or an acting job (common). So in the heat of the moment countering violence with defensive violence becomes the only alternative for some women.
As for families with narcissistic abusers in them, they tend to be authoritarian families who are more concerned with image than they are with people. Empathy is in short supply, and threats not to talk to outsiders is common. Narcissistic families resemble cults more than they resemble the families most of us are in. Love in narcissistic families does not mean what it means in normal families, rather it is conditional upon roles, performance, willingness to be submissive, adopting toxic worshipping behaviors, being unhealthy emotionally, expected to adopt the beliefs and prejudicesof the cultish clan,andnormalizing abuse. Like cults, they can be anti-establishment and not trust the law. They are known to protect abusers too. The family keeping quiet, the silent treatment, stonewalling, refusing to be co-operative (with anyone, including the other parents, police, etc), being unempathetic to what someone outside the family is experiencing, refusing to co-operate when crimes are committed by one of its members, is cult behavior, but it is also how narcissistic families react. If you are an outsider who is fishing around in areas that might bring shame upon a valuable member to this kind of family, expect this kind of toxic cocktail of reactions. One thing we know is that the Laundrie parents are not talking to the sister of Brian (note: Brian and his sister are both born from the same parents). So the stonewalling and excommunication from the clan can radiate out to family members too, and without saying why.
The important thing to remember in this story, I think, is that Brian unlawfully used Gabby's debit card, so he already had a criminal mindset.
SOME TAKE-AWAYS
* Never stay with someone who is controlling and is physically assaulting you (even if they apologize). Physical abuse escalates and it can escalate very fast. Calling a domestic abuse hotline is usually the first step that many victims take.
* Relationships with narcissists don't work out. Signs of narcissism: controlling behavior, they insist on being in the dominant position (i.e. they don't share the power between you), they rage when they feel criticized or when their shame is activated, they gaslight, they display Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behavior, they lack empathy (they don't show they care about your feelings unless it is expedient to some agenda), the relationship between you feels tenuous. Many of them lecture you and give you "behavior lessons" as though you are still a child. The relationship feels as though there are many demands to please them at all times, but your feelings are barely considered. They are hypercritical of others behind their backs (two-faced). Most of them display deceit. Many of them want to socially isolate you so that they can control the narrative of what is going on with you. They call you crazy much more than other people do.
* Don't assume they love you in the way that it is generally meant. You may be useful to them. Useful-ness is not love. When narcissists say they love you, it usually means that you are convenient to them. Or it may mean they are attracted to you or some qualities in you. Attraction, per se, is not love. Real adult love is mutual disclosure, mutual trust in each other, a mutual understanding that both of your feelings and perspectives matter to each other, mutual honesty, the intentionality of keeping the peace between you (as opposed to sporadic peace with discord the rest of the time) and a mutual understanding and commitment that you will not "intentionally" hurt each other. "Intentionality to hurt" is generally termed as "proactive abuse". Some proactive abuse is in the form of the four horseman of the apocalypse: 1. CRITICISM: meaning constant criticism, unconstructive criticism, always/never statements, always bringing up things you aren't doing right (in their eyes), "behavior lessons", devaluing, shaming 2. CONTEMPT: disrespect, disgust, condescension, attempting to teach you lessons that leave you in a state of pain, ridicule, name-calling, sneering, mean-spirited joking or mocking, calling you stupid or crazy on a consistent basis, primarily focusing on qualities in you that they don't like, sabotage, insincere love bombing (trying to make you vulnerable to their attacks), "You are nothing" statements, "You will never be successful" statements, "You mean nothing to me" statements - in general, trashing your self esteem 3. DEFENSIVENESS: avoiding taking responsibility for their part in issues in your relationship, expecting the partner to always fix things for them, blame-shifting, blame-attacking, introducing new grievances to take the heat off of a discussion that has to do with their own grievances, refusing to listen to a partner's grievances, lying about events, playing the victim. 4. STONEWALLING: the silent treatment, refusing to talk about issues that are between you, intentionally obfuscating, insisting that they have to be in charge of the decision-making between you and threatening to abandon you if you do not acquiesce, abruptly leaving without telling you where they are going, expecting their partner to read their mind and if they don't, they assume a pose of silence, abandonment and rejection. The four horseman are often used to determine whether a relationship will fail or not. One of the four horseman can lead to a relationship failure, but narcissists tend to use all four horseman at once, especially when they are in a shame/rage cycle. Which is to say that when they feel embarrassed or ashamed, they rage, and then when their partner points out that the rage is hurting them, they feel ashamed and rage some more. If they are on the higher spectrum of narcissism, they rage and attempt to destroy the relationship, or you (using the four horseman of the apocalypse plus other tactics like triangulation, threats, blame-shifting and so on. The abuse can lead to a life-threatening situation).
* Don't think they will wake up and realize they have treated you deplorably and apologize for it. If anything, they will ramp up the abuse and tout themselves as the victim. This is the typical abuse pattern. The rule of thumb here is that once they start abusing, don't expect them to stop (abuse is an addiction for many narcissists - it is something I will discuss in another post).
* Many survivors who are still in relationships with their abusers get caught up in pursuing "our common dreams". You are ambitious to make the relationship work, and see through the things you have talked about together. However, abusers are not committed to, or invested in, "common dreams" (no matter what they say - it is merely a hook) and they will often take the rug out from under you no matter how many promises they have made to mutual agreements. Abusers on the high scale of narcissism are too disabled by their Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behaviors to see through anything, let alone a solid relationship. They won't say it, but their dream for the two of you is for them to have total domination, power and control over you, including isolating you from others, and controlling the narrative of what is happening between the two of you. They want you in a state of total submission. That's the reason for the abuse, treating you like a child, the imperious lectures, the gaslighting, the threats of abandonment or punishments, the lack of empathy, taking things from you that don't really belong to them, isolating you, even the stalking if they stalk. They will never see you as an equal autonomous able-bodied person; they see people in hierarchies, and to them, you HAVE to be lowered down in stature than they are no matter what (it's the reason they try to break your self esteem) - you are abandon-able, abuse-able, expendable (and expendable either through abandonment or through murder), "a nobody" (one of their favorite phrases), merely useful for the moment - it is a deplorable way to treat someone else in a close personal relationship ... so consider that this relationship is not very close at all. Putting stock in dreams with controlling narcissists is dangerous. Giving up on dreams is heartbreaking, but do-able, and sometimes even desirable if you have gotten to a point of "being sick and tired of being sick and tired" and it is the first step in obtaining freedom from abuse and the wisdom to know it isn't because you are unlovable: it is always about theiraddiction to domination, power and control of you and their need for higher and higher doses of it. If you deny them the higher doses, they can get dangerous and vengeful, not just rageful. This is the real reason for the domestic violence. Most narcissists believe that violence and other forms of punishment will force you to capitulate to their demands about submitting to them.
HOW THIS STORY EFFECTED ME PERSONALLY
I have known a lot of domestic violence survivors who are sunny, bright, incredibly empathetic, loving, pretty, talented and look like Gabrielle Petito. I cried for them when I saw this story. They were the lucky ones who got away, and some of them barely got away. Their light went out for awhile as they tried to heal in domestic violence shelters or anonymous houses and apartments (under police protection, or through an order of protection where their whereabouts could be kept secret), shuddered at the thought of trusting anyone again, were overwhelmed with grief, and felt lost as to what to do next with their lives. The trauma they experienced was still visible after a year for many of them. What monsters would want to do this to these kinds of women?
And I did find the answers: narcissists love to destroy women like this (explanation below). They are attracted to empaths, people with positive sunny dispositions, people from loving happy families, people who look like they can be controlled, people who are beautiful inside and outside, and because the narcissist isn't any of these things, they often seek to destroy qualities they don't possess. When beautiful people are destroyed, it takes the sun out of the world for the rest of us, and increasingly makes it more narcissistic for the very reason that they are the ones who are left.
There are many women I know who realize that the pushing and shoving they also experienced by a "loved one" ("loved one" said facetiously because abuse isn't love) could have meant a death sentence for them too.
So why focus on Gabby Petito and her runaway boyfriend? Because it's the right thing to do for ALL missing and murdered people. It gives a face to the problem of domestic violence. We need to do a lot more of it.
John Walsh (who is a parent whose 6 year old son was abducted in a shopping center and murdered senselessly afterward) dealt with his grief by hosting the show, "America's Most Wanted". That show was on a major network. There is nothing like it today, and it needs to come back. A lot of people are good at finding fugitives and murderers, and the show was successful in that way. Dr. Phil is keeping the heat on the story in this one particular case, but we need "America's Most Wanted" back again so that it shines a light on a lot more cases that need to be solved.
SOME OTHER TAKE-AWAYS SINCE PUBLISHING
* Narcissists can, and sometimes do commit suicide if they feel that their image will be forever tarnished or that their actions have caught up with them.
REASONS NOT TO TAKE A CROSS-COUNTRY TRIP WITH SOMEONE WHO IS CONTROLLING, DOMINEERING AND JEALOUS
JEALOUSY: I will be talking about jealousy and narcissism in another post, but be aware that narcissists walk around with a whole lot more jealousy than most of us do. In other words, jealousy is such a gargantuan element in their systems that it is a substantial part of their make-up. It is so overwhelming and uncomfortable for them that they feel they must do something about it to make themselves feel better, to give themselves some relief, whereas for the rest of us jealousy tends to be fleeting, and nowhere near overwhelming enough to pay much attention to beyond trying to do and be our best selves. So what does this mean for you? When narcissists are jealous, it means they WILL NOT be trying to be their best selves, because their "real selves" are ego-underdeveloped, or ego-dilapidated, or still at a 6 year old level, take your pick. Their egos are super fragile from what ever happened to them in childhood which is why they rage (and even get destructive) when they feel criticized or ashamed. There is a reason why they choose rage over sadness, but that is for another discussion. The point is that the rage is where you get a domestic violence outcome. They can also commit suicide too if the rage gets directed inwards, when there is no one to take it out on any more. Both criticism and jealousy make them feel angry, because, again, it is touching on their shame, and anything that touches their shame means attacks and destruction. Empaths tend to have very little, if any, jealousy because they spend so much of their time helping others, comforting others, thinking about the feelings of others that they are often not aware that the other person they are with may be dealing with a lot of jealousy. This is where empaths get in a lot of trouble with narcissists. Even if you find out that their jealousy is off the charts, you may not really understand what the jealousy is doing to them, and what it is going to do to the two of you. The narcissist doesn't feel empathy which is unfathomable to you and you don't feel jealousy which is unfathomable to them. You are opposites. Don't try to help them to feel more secure in themselves and more empathetic towards others because that takes your self-destruction. Again, narcissists operate on the premise that they must destroy what they lack in order to feel better. Guard your empathy, because when narcissists get a hold of you, they try to drain you of all of your strengths. Empaths get PTSD much more easily than the general population, and when you have PTSD, you tend to become disabled by it. You will have to heal yourself from the PTSD before you can be an effective empath again. When they are jealous, they tend to attack your self esteem via verbal abuse, put-downs and insults, and/or through trying to control who you relate to or where you go, or worse: through physical attacks. Their thought process basically comes down to this: "I won't feel as jealous of you if I destroy what is making me feel jealous." Does it work for them? Yes it does, for a short while (they feel higher in stature because you feel miserable). The only problem for them is that they had to make you miserable; some accident didn't just come along and create the misery you feel. So then blame is laid on them for attacking you, which of course makes them feel ashamed, and then they rage some more. They feel they must brainwash you to feel that the flaw lies entirely in you and with you (they will insinuate that you aren't loveable enough not to be attacked and insulted), so they can continue to treat you like dirt and destroy everything that is making them feel jealous. They don't try to take care of jealousy by other means. They go from jealousy/shame right into destroying. To make matters worse, their minds are so full of jealousy and inadequacy that they don't think they will ever measure up, so they don't try to be better. They just keep going down the rabbit hole of more and more destruction of you, thinking they will eventually get to a place where they never feel jealous of you again. They get angry when you cry because that is touching their shame again. They get angry when you are beautiful and command admiration and attention because they feel inadequate next to you, so they may attack you physically in the places where your beauty shines (such as your face). Eventually many of them scheme destruction. This is where isolating you, triangulating you, breaking your self esteem, abandoning you and stranding you, stealing from you, controlling your every movement, playing manipulation games with you, being a know-it-all blowhard lecturing fool comes in - it is there because they are jealous of you and anything that they aren't, must be destroyed in their minds for them to feel better. This is where an eventual murder can come in too.
CONTROLLING AND DOMINEERING: One of the reasons why narcissists are so controlling and domineering is because of their jealousy. They think that if they can control your perceptions, where you go, who you see, how you conduct yourself then it will make them feel better about themselves. The problem is that they have to spend inordinate amounts of their time lecturing you, giving you "behavior lessons" (commenting on how you behave from minute to minute, and how to behave better - for them, of course), and in general, commenting on when you are making them happy and when you aren't. For the victim of this puppet master, it is a miserable life. And they like your life being miserable because, again, it makes them feel better, less jealous. The problem is that if you "buck" or "rebel" against the constant lectures, monitoring and manipulations, and all of the control they are putting you through, they take it as a challenge which they are determined to win. They will punish and restrain you to extreme degrees, and they can even punish you in the ultimate way if you are not behaving in the way they taught you: by murdering you. Obviously a cross-country trip with someone who is jealous and controlling (and who acts like you are in "behavior training" to fit their concept of who you should be, and where you can't get away from them, will be intolerable).
"Gabby Petito Case Update | Was Brian Laundrie Controlling?"
with psychologist, Dr. Grande:
"Death of Brian Laundrie | Gabby Petito Case Update | Narcissism Warning Signs" with psychologist, Dr. Grande:
Next are some words of wisdom from Dr. Grande at the end of the video (transcript from the second video): What can people do to prevent situations like the Gabby Petito - Brian Laundrie case? Realistically, it is probably about mate selection more than anything else. Changing people is challenging; putting up with the violence is not a good idea. It's all about picking the right person initially. No positive emotion like love, affection, passion, excitement or comfort can outweigh high levels of anger, immaturity, narcissism and low levels of empathy and insight. The presence of the undesirable traits should be the primary consideration.
Some of the comments in the comment section of the video:
- After the police encounter, it’s likely Brian felt especially resentful towards Gabby, using his official “victim” status given to him by the police, reassuring his angry psyche that this was Gabby’s doing. - There really needs to be a public education component for young people, especially from puberty onward, so that they are better prepared to know what a healthy romantic relationship looks like and see the warning signs of a toxic relationship (kids should start learning about healthy friendships, boundaries, respect, and consent even younger than that). It won't entirely prevent the problem, but I believe this would have a positive effect in reducing the incidence of domestic abuse, leading to a healthier society. - Towards the end of that video, after they've been pulled over by the cops, Gabby passes on to Brian to remember his phone charger and that she loves him. This, along with her apology on behalf of Brian to the wait staff, speaks to their relationship and her state of mind over this time. She clearly remains emotionally invested and looking to 'fix things; while taking care of him and assuming responsibility for his actions. There are numerous red flags that she is in the thrall of a narcissist. The powerful combination of being gas lit, a touch of Stockholm Syndrome, separation from her friends and family, and the resulting reduction in her sense of self-worth (listen to her apologies to the cops and how prepared she was to take the blame) sadly are classic indicators of an abusive relationship. Perhaps the only good thing to come of this absolute tragedy would be if it was used to illuminate what living with a narcissist can look like. Given that it is almost impossible to change a narcissist, the best we can hope for is more conversations about Gabby, what her warning signs were, and what we, as friends, family, law enforcement, society, need to be aware of when one of our own, falls prey to another Brian.
"Inside the Gabby Petito murder investigation: Could she have been saved? | 60 Minutes Australia":
"Gabby Petitos Final Days Of Narcissistic Abuse. She Wanted To Get Out Of A Toxic Relationship" by The Royal We (channel specializes in narcissistic abuse):
More videos from The Royal We channel on this subject: this video talks about Brian's possible golden child status in his family of origin
How some people threw Gabby Petito a life line out of the toxic relationship:
a park ranger who warned Gabby that she was in a toxic relationship, the couple who called police and told them that Brian Laundrie was hitting Gabby Petito, and then the police. He ends by talking about how to stop narcissistic abuse and domestic violence:
Some of the comments to this video explaining why women like Gabby do not leave their abusers right off:
- On average the statistics state that there are 7 attempts for a woman to finally leave, an abusive relationship Unfortunately women might not make it to that 7th attempt. I pray for Gabby’s mom and family. Her family has handled this horrific situation with humility and grace. They understand that in the end love & light will always prevail over darkness and evil.
- I understand Gabby's side though. She was mentally trauma bonded to him and was too scared to risk him finding out that she outed him and what if he gets out and comes to find her and does worse. That's why the person won't always grab the life line
- Life with a manipulator narcissist sociopath warps ones mind. The longer one stays with a sociopath up is down, right is wrong, love and hate become the same thing. Cognitive dissonance is REAL. She was trauma bonded & looks to have Stockholm Syndrome as well after living with him on the road. There is a very fine line between victim shaming & advocating on behalf of a victim.
Kevin, your passion is clear! You are attempting to save someone else's life who is currently involved in narcissistic relationship. Your frustration is also evident, that it didn't have to be this way (like if she had only known what signs to watch for). Not because of what Gabby did or did not do but because she didn't know what she didn't know! That she was indeed involved with a wolf in sheep's clothing. In the police cam video she surely shows the signs of the classic "Stockholm syndrome" behavior by justifying his behavior. I believe that Gabby's loss will not be in vain. Her short life which ended so violently will bring a higher awareness to the danger of TOXIC relationships, the way law enforcement handles domestic conflicts as well as bring attention to missing people of all kinds. Knowledge is power, Kevin! Keep on doing what you do to help people find the courage, power and guidance to flee from unhealthy relationships!
I thought this was a good video (by the same vlogger above) at explaining why this case has become "the spotlight case" when so many native American women have gone missing in the country. Is it gripping us because Gabby is white and is model-pretty? His take on it is that the police videos speak to many, many people who have been in domestic violence situations: "Why Gabby Petito Matters: Missing White Woman Syndrome Or Spotlight On Toxic Relationships" by The Royal We channel:
These following videos are by attorney, Rebecca Zung on how to deal with dangerous narcissists who feel you have to pay for disrespecting them:
The next one up is based on her experience of dealing with malignant narcissists in her law practice
and the usual signs (victim blaming herself to keep from being punished by the narcissist, crying the whole time, while Laundrie is cool, collected and blaming it all on her too - very typical):
According to Wikipedia a burner phone is: Burner is a mobile application for iOS and Android made by Ad Hoc Labs, Inc. that allows users to create temporary disposable phone numbers in the U.S. and Canada. The app allows smartphone users to have a phone number that is anonymous and can be thrown away, for purposes such as online ads, while traveling, for business projects, or for dating profiles.
Gabby Petito's Father Speaks Out: The Dr. Phil Interview - Dr. Phillip McGraw for Dr. Phil my note: focuses on the bizarre circumstance of Gabby's fiancé driving half way across the country in Gabby's van without saying a word as to Gabby's disappearance or why he returned alone without her. The fiancé's family does not even respond to Gabby's parent's calls.
Gabby Petito Police Video - Therapist Reaction - Dr. Kirk Honda analyzing video and news for Psychology in Seattle My note: when he talks about perpetrators who are low in self esteem, willing to work on their abusive tendencies in therapy, he is talking about the Borderline type of abuser - these types have abilities to self reflect and do not use the blame-shifting tactic all that much. Narcissists usually cannot tolerate therapy, impulsively and constantly use the blame-shifting tactic when confronted, and are usually quite a bit more dangerous than the Borderline (note: not all Borderlines abuse; in fact, they tend to be much more self destructive than abusive, but some of them spill over into abuse cycles. The cycle is: abuse, withdrawal, intolerable grief, genuinely sorry, apologies and wanting you back, calm, feeling you will abandon them, abuse again ... also Borderlines who are in this abuse cycle tend to use reactive abuse, usually in response to threats or perceptions of abandonment, rather than proactive abuse). Differences: Borderlines rage and reject over perceptions of abandonment, and they don't tend to care about whether they have power and control over people. Narcissists rage and reject because they are trying to obtain more power, control and domination over you. Borderlines reject for short periods of time (a day to a couple of days) then they tend to freak out about the possibility that they may have lost their partner, thus the tears, the over-the-top apologies, the insistence that you take them back because they are trying to change. Whereas narcissists reject for longer periods of time, usually 2 weeks to 3 months, and they usually toy with your self esteem, and sometimes make it clear that they have someone on the side to replace you if you don't shape up and give them what they want. They can also apologize, but only to get back the power and control they once had. It will become obvious eventually that the apology is not real. Malignant narcissists are a lot less likely to come back and apologize. They tend to wait it out, try to get you to come to them and feel entitled to receive apologies no matter how cruel and scary they are - in other words, malignant narcissists are delusional, and instead of a shame rage cycle, they tend to be in a shame vindictive cycle instead. Stealing, smear campaigns, ignoring special events, sadism, back-stabbing, erroneous lawsuits, planned attacks and stalking are much more indicative of malignant narcissism than run-of-the-mill narcissism. They are very reward-oriented. If they laugh when you are hurt, or lecture you when you are hurt, that is another sign. Note: this won't necessarily happen in the very beginning of your relationship, but it will be very clear later on that their agenda is to hurt you and make you uncomfortable. Other differences: Borderlines tend to be very emotional and passionate when they speak. Narcissists are usually unemotional and appear dispassionate, but they can feign caring. Borderlines tend to have careers in the arts, including healing arts, and to have trouble explaining who they are (they don't appear to have a solid identity). Many of them also have PTSD and grew up with an invalidating parent (a parent who practiced perspecticide). Whereas narcissists tend to have careers where their power and control can manifest: law, politics, police work, private equity CEOs or managers (often found gutting companies for personal gain), as military professionals, some teaching positions (particularly where their black and white mindset can be best expressed, i.e. where there are right and wrong answers). There are also a lot of narcissists in the trades too (construction, et al), especially if they can be CEOs or sole entrepreneurs. Borderlines and narcissists are attracted to each other, and it is a disaster for the borderline. Many borderlines already have a proclivity to self destruct, commit suicide, take drugs and drink to cope, self mutilate or cut, and a relationship with a narcissist can tip them over the edge. There are more borderlines than narcissists, so when Dr. Honda talks about abusers that he has been able to work with, they are going to borderlines because narcissists tend to walk out on therapy. Narcissists don't care about relationships per se; they really only care about how much power, domination and control is in it for them.
A Sarasota County, Florida, judge ruled Thursday in favor of Gabby Petito’s family in a wrongful-death lawsuit against the estate of Brian Laundrie.
The final judgment awards $3 million to Petito’s mother, Nichole Schmidt, as the administrator of Petito’s estate. ... ... Petito’s family also filed another lawsuit in May against Christopher and Roberta Laundrie, alleging they knew their son Brian murdered Petito, knew “the whereabouts of her body,” and were working to help him flee the country, CNN previously reported.
Judge Calls Brian Laundrie's Family's Alleged Actions 'Callous and Cruel,' Denies Motion to Dismiss Suit (The Petito family's civil lawsuit will proceed to trial) - by Helling and Christine Pelisek for People Magazine (June 30, 2022) excerpt: A Florida circuit court judge has denied a motion to dismiss the civil lawsuit filed by the family of Gabby Petito against Brian Laundrie's family. The case will proceed to trial. The lawsuit alleges that Christopher and Roberta Laundrie knew the whereabouts of Gabby's body during the time in which authorities were pouring resources into a massive missing persons investigation. Gabby's parents, Joseph Petito and Nichole Schmidt, seek more than $30,000 in damages for the mental anguish they suffered due to the alleged deceit of the Laundries. The March filing also alleges that Christopher and Roberta helped Brian conceal Gabby's murder and were making plans for him to flee the country. The suit also alleges that instead of helping Joseph and Nichole locate their daughter, the Laundrie parents went on vacation with Brian and ignored pleas for help from Gabby's family — and that Roberta blocked Nichole's phone number and Facebook profile last September to avoid contact as Nichole sought answers about what happened to Gabby.
2024, hearing set for Roberta’s ‘burn after reading’ letter - by J.B. Biunno for NBC News Channel 8, Sarasota Florida A letter is found written by Roberta Laundrie to Brian Laundrie with the instructions, "burn after reading" on the envelope that was supposedly turned over to the F.B.I. Inside there statements such as, according to the article: references to a shovel, burying a body, and helping get Brian out of prison. While Reilly argues the letter demonstrates Roberta Laundrie’s knowledge of Brian murdering Gabby, lawyers for the Laundries say the letter isn’t dated and has no connection to the Petito case.
RECOMMENDED: How to Prevent Another Death Like Gabby Petito's. Domestic violence deaths are preventable. We asked experts how to stop them. - by Aja Romano for Vox.com excerpt: The nature of this case has given a public stage to law enforcement’s often shortsighted and faulty approach to handling cases involving intimate partner violence. “Law enforcement [doesn’t] take domestic violence seriously,” criminal behavior analyst Laura Richards told me. Richards is an authority on the study of “coercive control” in abusive relationships and the creator of a risk-assessment model widely used in the UK that aims to protect victims of domestic violence. “Cases like Gabby’s are not rare,” she said ... ... Agencies should also be able to identify intervention points that might allow them to help deescalate situations and prevent later violence from occurring. These might range from a routine home visit from an agency to a 911 call; hospital visits are also prime opportunities to identify domestic violence victims, but assessments in those settings are uncommon. A grounding in the theory of coercive control in relationships — to recognize abuse that may be emotional but not currently physical — can help police and other first responders see past the dominant narrative of a controlling partner ...
... “The best trainings on domestic violence for police officers train them to see any domestic violence call or domestic dispute as homicide prevention,” Molly Dragiewicz, a criminologist and co-author of the 2017 book Abusive Endings: Separation and Divorce Violence Against Women, told me. In retrospect, the police stop in Utah was a crucial intervention point for Petito and Laundrie — an opportunity for risk assessment and intervention that the police missed. “The crux here is that they got pulled over by the police and the police aligned themselves with the abuser,” said Dragiewicz. “One of the things that was really interesting about the police interaction in this case was that the police were very polite to her on the surface. But then they were also completely dismissive of what she had to say.” That dismissal might not have been so easy for police if a victims’ advocate — a trained authorized individual who works to ensure fair treatment and connect victims with resources and help — had been on the scene with them, or at least in direct contact with both police and with Petito, at the time of the event. Many police jurisdictions around the US and the UK work to bring multiple agency representatives into the scene of a domestic violence call; the logistics vary around the country, but many states and cities either bring advocates onto the scene or conduct risk assessments with the victim by phone at the time of an incident. Body cam footage could provide an opportunity for training Often even from the beginning, victims of intimate partner violence feel that law enforcement will not be on their side and that turning to authorities for help in such situations will exacerbate the conflict and abuse they’re experiencing. Often, they are right. The body cam footage of the police incident involving Petito and Laundrie may be a textbook example of how police can misread a situation involving domestic violence and misidentify the victim ... ... The body cam footage vividly illustrates how controlling partners in a relationship can often direct and manipulate the narrative for first responders. “A lot of nasty stereotypes about domestic violence come directly from the abuser’s mindset and way of talking,” said Dragiewicz. “So this idea that she’s crazy, that it’s mutual, she started it, right? Those are super common — or that she’s overreacting and hysterical.” The Utah police who responded to the domestic violence incident seemed to view Petito as histrionic and explicitly identified her as the primary aggressor — and Laundrie as perhaps the victim ... ... in the Petito case, for example, authorities would likely have been unaware that a history of intimate partner violence existed, and that, along with the couple’s young ages and their travel-heavy lifestyle, meant authorities might not have initially viewed Petito’s disappearance as suspicious ... The link between domestic violence and suicide needs to be more widely understood and considered during police investigations A lack of urgency over a missing woman often coincides with an inability or unwillingness on the part of authorities to retain the person of interest — which then may lead to the ending that accompanies some of these cases: a partner or person of interest dying by suicide. Laundrie’s death, Richards told me, had all the hallmarks of a death by suicide even before authorities concluded that was his most likely cause of death. Many people who may be aggressors in a partner dynamic involving domestic violence or coercive control have “felt less than” their partners. “Often [with] these individuals, there’s a control-related issue,” she said. According to Petito’s best friend Rose Davis, Richards notes, “Brian was always saying, ‘I know you’re going to leave me.’ You have this insecurity. And that’s what normally these crimes are about. It’s a power and control dynamic. It’s actually about insecurity and their will to want to control that person, to stay with them or to disappear them. The notion ‘if I can’t have you, no one will’ on separation and finality is the motive.” Because controlling partners will often use the threat of suicide to manipulate their partners, Richards’s risk-assessment model includes a question about whether the partner has been experiencing suicidal ideation. Authorities in the US also have such tools to help them identify whether suicide is a potential risk. This is a highly important concern, in part because suicidal partners far too often take other lives with them, for example in acts of family annihilation or mass shootings that have been linked to domestic violence. Authorities who’ve been properly trained to recognize the signs of controlling or violent relationships should ideally know when to treat suicide as a probable outcome in a case, and have the resources to respond accordingly.
Gabby Petito's Mom Calls Brian Laundrie's Notebook Confession 'Ridiculous': 'Wanted to Look Like the Good Guy' - by Steve Helling for People Magazine excerpt: The mother of Gabby Petito is speaking out about Brian Laundrie's notebook confession, in which he claims he killed his fiancée because he thought she wanted him to. "That was his character, even in his last moments," Nicole Schmidt told NBC News. "He wanted to make sure he looked like the good guy. That's ridiculous. We know how she died." Last month, Steven Bertolino, the attorney representing Laundrie's parents, released images of pages from the 23-year-old killer's notebook. "I ended her life," Laundrie wrote in the notebook, which was found in October 2021, after his death by suicide. "I thought it was merciful, that it is what she wanted, but I see now all the mistakes I made," Laundrie wrote. "I panicked. I was in shock. But from the moment I decided, took away her pain, I knew I couldn't go on without her."
Gabby Petito’s parents thought Brian Laundrie would ‘take care of her’ - by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon for New York Post My note: This is perhaps the biggest sting, the biggest heart-ache for these parents. Narcissistic sociopaths (assuming that Brian is one) can be masters at sweet talk and being two-faced. They seduce with their tongue and then stab you in the back. They appear to be confident and collected, whereas their victims seem to be emotional, vulnerable and hopeful. I can't imagine what it feels like to entrust my daughter to a guy who would murder her, then steal her money, steal her van to drive home to his parents, lawyer up without telling anyone she was missing. I can't imagine as parents calling frantically to the boyfriend's parents if they've heard from the kids and getting no answer from those parents, filing a missing person's report and then find out that the one you trusted to take care of your daughter has lawyered up and refuses to talk and has run away. And to rub salt into the wound, his parents decide to mow the lawn the day the coroner states your daughter died of manual strangulation (a common form of murder by domestic violence offenders). The horror! It's no wonder this story got so much press. The callousness and cowardice of the Laundrie parents and their son seems beyond the pale!
Abusers often present as ‘nice guys.’ Petito’s family, like so many others, may have mistaken Laundrie as charming and polite because that is likely how he wanted to appear to them. It is not uncommon for abusers to present themselves in this way in order to keep abuse hidden. “Abusers are often also master manipulators,” says Ann Papayoti, a relationship and life coach. “To stay in control and keep their victim off balance, taking the blame,” she continues, “Having other people experience them as a “nice guy” is a covert strategy in their game.” This allows abusers to continue to abuse, by keeping their victims’ loved ones oblivious to the reality of their relationship, they are able to prevent anyone from intervening. “Men that are abuse are very clever, smart, and extremely charming,” explains John G. Taylor in ‘Psychology Today.’ “Most of these men have a personality that draws people in because of their level of charm. This is part of their art to deceive and manipulate.”
note: I'm not a believer in body language as anxiety can change a person's demeanor to a more "closed position", but here are some videos on that subject for those of you who do believe in it:
